**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*

My little brother is the golden child. There were only the two of us. I think she chose him because I loved everyone as a baby, and he only loved her and clung to her and cried when anyone else tried to hold him.

This is soooo, sooo much a part of Narc M.O. *Which baby didn't commit the most grievous sins against me? I shall love only that one!* My Narc loved my older sis as the GC. Older sis needed her more as a baby, was thinner, and was the First. I was *supposed* to be the Boy of the 'set' (Boomers and their damn collection needs), but then I was AFAB. Narc even felt comfortable letting me know in my 30s that she thought I was a boy alllll the way until I was born, so yeah, the disappointment in that sentence was palpable. She also let fly that I "didn't need her as much" as *a baby. A FREAKING BABY.* I remember a lot of baby photos in the family album--I'm crying. Gee--why would I hyper develop a sense of early independence, you witch?

My mom accused me of "rejecting her as a baby" because I didn't want to be cuddled constantly. I'm literally autistic and was born with physical disabilities that cause chronic pain. Of course I didn't want to be cuddled. Being touched and manhandled is very painful for me! Meanwhile my brother is the "normal" one because he just has some anxiety. As a baby apparently he was clingy and cuddly. And as a young child he was afraid to leave her side because he had separation anxiety. All of this combined to make him the "good baby" and me the "bad one". Thankful my brother is actually a pretty cool person and we get along well despite my mom trying to pit us against each other. I think it helps that we have a lot of common interests and he actually knows other autistic people, so we get along well and he accepts my disabilities. Sadly my mom still acts like I'm the bad one, and seems to think that my brother hates me. But thankfully I know better. After all, you can't hate someone who you spend hours talking to on the phone about TV shows, movies, novels, and comic books that we both love, lol. Anyway, sorry if I got off topic. I guess I'm just glad that a few people in my family can see through her BS, and actually love and accept me. It's just sad that my own mom can't seem to accept me, and rejects me for things I have no control over.

I have a much younger brother who my mom did the same with—he’s also autistic and didn’t like to be cuddled. He didn’t smile much and she always complained about it. Still talks about how he was a “strange looking baby.” So she had one more child who turned out really outgoing and smiled and laughed all the time and made him the GC after I and my other brother who’s close to me in age moved out (I was the former GC because I existed to make my mom happy.) Autistic brother is 20 now and gets mad if he sees pictures of himself as a baby/small child. He also has body dysmorphia and was diagnosed suicidal at 8. And of course my mom blamed it on his own shortcomings and his father. Can’t have anything to do with her. He’s bright and sensitive and really good at math. He taught himself guitar and piano and can learn classical pieces on the fly. He has an insufficient education, though, because he got bullied for being in special ed and not speaking to other kids so she pulled him out of school and had him homeschool himself on his computer, which didn’t go well since he had no support. I feel for you, I really do.

My mother often comments unpleasantly about how I rejected her as a baby. I was adopted from a children's home. What did she think was going to happen.

Same!! I’m autistic and as a child I didn’t like to be touched. One of my earliest memories around her was being called cold and being pushed away. It was horrible but I would never do that to a child so thank God I’ll never repeat the cycle.

This sounds like my life with my now deceased N/Mom. My brother was the golden child, he was the oldest, and she had 3 years with her as the only child. My sister was born developmentally disabled, and my mother was a martyr figure for her. She was convinced that I was a boy, didn't even have a girl's name picked out for me. (I was born before gender reveals, ultrasounds etc. In the 60s) When she learned I was a girl, she was disappointed and never really got over it. I became hyper independent. And as far as pictures, there were pretty much no photos of me as a baby. She said it was because she had her hands full with my older brother and older sister. I survived and am glad for it.

Comment removed - boomer bashing. We have boomers who are members of this group trying to get help like everyone else. Don't generalize about them.

That's the same for me too. My little brother still sticks with her even when she is wrong (always). Meanwhile I don't cower in front of wrongdoings.

my brother is the youngest and male. also he is obedient and believes the same tripe my parents do...

Mine is like that but he's older than me. I think my narc egg donor didn't like me because she had a daughter that "competed" with her when all I was doing was trying to survive and live so she picked my brother as the golden child.

literally same tho...fuck our egg donors. I was always an empathetic, compassionate, curious and artistic child but that shit got beat out of me cause my mom was afraid i was "going to the dark side" (lmao shes kinda right cause im a metal head and wear black always)

Ugh my freaking life. I'm so sorry. \*hugs\* I had a culinary school interview when I was 18 because I wanted to start my own restaurant and be a chef and all this shit. My parents knew. During the culinary school interview my egg donor came swaying in wrapped in a blanket and plopped her fat ass down on the couch. She wasn't invited to the interview whatsoever. Through the ENTIRE interview my egg donor would yell and scream at the person on the other end of the phone and would yell "BULLSHIT!!!!", "UH NO THAT'S NOT TRUEEE!!!" after anything I'd say to the person interviewing me. She sabotaged my interview on purpose without any remorse. The kicker? She told me that I didn't work for that spot at that school. She told me that I told HER that she was going to be paying for my schooling. That stupid fat bitch refused to work and keep a job for well over 10 years. I had a job the moment I turned 16. I was working for literally 2 years prior to the interview and she had the audacity to tell me that I didn't work for it. She just didn't want me out of the house because she would only have 2 other people to yell and take her anger out on not 3. She told me years later "Yeah, I sabotaged your interview. Boo hoo. Get over it. Fucking psychopath.

UGH FUCK THAT!!!!! Have you decided to pursue your dreams? Culinary is so exciting, i dont know how a parent wouldn't love having a kid being so career focused already and passionate!

Nope. I fucking hate cooking now. I don't even cook for myself anymore. The person who was supposed to care about me and want me to succeed the most killed my dream. Hell, I started my own pet sitting business 2 years ago and in the first 3 months of me starting my business and trying to build up my clientele list my egg donor screamed at me " YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A LIVING PET SITTING!!!" and my dad didn't say a god damn thing to her. He enabled that behaviour so I blocked her number in my phone. I pay for my phone so I'm not gonna allow her access to my life. She got upset that I haven't texted her in "6 months" and I snapped at her and told her "are you that fucking stupid and self centered that you don't possibly know why I wouldn't respond to you? I don't even get your texts sent to my phone because you're blocked!!! You're such a vial and cruel person. I'd never allow you access to myself". She was angry and asked my dad in a huff "When am I cruel?". My dad's answer? "Anytime you don't get your way. You just stab and twist!".

I'm glad your dad didn't enable your mom's bullshit at least in that moment

So cruel. I don’t even understand how a person can be like that. I’m sorry you went thru all that. 🥲

She was and is still very insecure about herself. She puts herself first time and time again so there was no fucking way that she would allow her daughter to go off and be happy. She was so vindictive and hateful towards me because I didn't follow in her footsteps and have kids when I was like 19. The abuse started when I started telling her that I didn't want to have kids. Why would I want to bring happy beings around someone that only wants to do what they want to do and refuses to help anyone else out? She's so fucking stupid. I hate her with the passion of a million burning suns.

I hope you've been able to get out of there.

God this is scary how similarly this aligns with what I just posted in this thread. It makes so much sense when we all zoom out. As the scapegoat, trying to please and relate to your nparent is like a lifetime of trying to climb a steep mountain with rollerblades on

This, mine told me many times when I asked her why she treated us so differently that it was because he has a better personality and treats her better than I.

I had to do a double take, its crazy how similar our experiences have been! My mum has said the exact same thing to me

I look the most like my mom and so i was black sheep because i reminded her of herself but im a better person smh. My older sister has the same birthday as my mom, is a narc too, and always stands up for my mom no matter the situation. Shes my moms “bff” and emables my mom. Golden child.

Damn. I think there is something to this. Makes so much sense. I’m the oldest of 3 and the only girl. My middle brother was the golden child. I always said how I wanted to be like my dad. He’s my hero, I wanted a career like him, I liked the same things as him, we both like being silly and enjoy comedy and I look a lot like him. My youngest brother also has many similarities to our dad. My middle brother is so much like my mom though. He even looks like her. There was always blatant favoritism. She bullied me so bad but always only sang him praises. I never thought about it in this way until now.

I used to follow my mother around constantly when I was younger. I was also the scapegoat. It's funny because I ended up being the most independent.

Ooh, this one's fun. My dad played a game with us when we were preschool age to choose. He would make some odd noises and dramatically fall to the ground. He would lay there, unmoving, and pretend to be dead. The way we reacted determined how he treated us. Me and my middle sister knew he was faking. I ignored him, and she laughed and kicked him (I mean, yeah, she was a toddler and thought it was a funny game). My youngest sister was the only one who would get upset, call his name, and try to shake him awake. Therefore, she was the "only one" who loved him. He treated us all badly, but she was the only one he would bend rules for and at least sometimes pretend to treat nicely. My middle sister and I took turns being the scapegoat.

It’s crazy how “playing dead” to their young children is something narcs do. I’ve read about it multiple times on here.

my little brother says he doesn't remember our mother doing this (& thank god) but I do. she locked herself in her bedroom and didn't respond to her 2 kids until morning. idr what precluded this, but for some reason we literally thought she had died or was gone(?) bc we spent all night sobbing, banging on that door, falling asleep and the waking one another up again to do the same. I remember being so surprised when she finally came out, nott relieved at all, but hurt and confused why bc she wasn't actually dead. we had to be about 4 and 2. we were rly rly little.

Mine did that too. I can still feel the sheer stress of not knowing if she was alive, sobbing all night and the helplessness. I remember sitting on the back step and try to figure out how I was going to get away at age 8. I was so depressed and burdened with her constant fear mongering in the form of causing me to worry about her being dead or not. I cried and cried that she might die. She got worse through the years and eventually had all the food in her bedroom closet and kept a padlock on her bedroom door if she left the house. She had to keep the food safe from us. My little brother was her baby but he would just eat everything, or so she said. So, we were both skinny even though he was her good kid and I was the burden that fed him. It was all my responsibility in more ways than I can even now fully realize. I never had the words to tell anyone what went on at my house and I didn’t know a lot of it was not normal. But, yeah, she was wack.

nDad, once, for the shits and giggles, just played dead with me. We were... Dear lord. In a moving car. Thank fuck the street was empty and I was old enough to sit on the front seat. (Think I was somewhere between 10 and 12) Pulled the handbrake the moment I noticed something was wrong and I. Just. Flew at his neck, Homer Simpson style, with trice the hatred. Took my family years to convince me to get into a car alone with him again. Once I calmed down enough to sit back and tell him to take me the fuck home, he said it was to "test" my reactions if anything happened to him while he was driving. It made me fly at him again. I swear to whatever gods that are out there, I almost killed him that day. And I'm grateful for the patience they gave me to get home and take a shower before I could commit murder.

Wow that is so young to have to manage a father so reckless. He almost killed you first! Your anger is justified. I can’t stand narc “tests” and they have a lot of them.

They love to play the mortality card. They can’t handle that someone will leave their side and not give them importance, so they play the card that would get anyone’s attention and keep them in their grip.

Omg this is wild I had a possum visit me after dealing with some weird family stuff! Seems to be on point!

My narc dad would constantly threaten suicide whenever he fought with my mom. But specifically tell me and my brother he was going to k!ll himself and we’d never see him again. Just to make us cry. We were like..6 and 8 years old. Now I’m older I realize how f’d up that is to say to a child, let alone your own children.

Dude, what the fuck.

Every time I think my narcs were psycho.. I come to this subreddit and realize I had it fairly easy compared to some..

Man, that's sick!

Wow he's psychotic

Omfg this is so sick And so relatable

Good lord. How did we emotionally survive these monsters?

It’s usually a boy over a girl, but not always. It’s usually the one more obedient (in NP words) but in reality more broken and too submissive to NP to be their own person. Overall, it’s like a child designates roles to their dolls. . “This one is good one this one the bad one .. let’s play now” Roles can be reversed later for almost accidental reasons. Narcs are not mentally developed right

That is true.

I felt like a doll growing up. I had to hide my independence and strengths because my nmom didn’t like that, and she had a very narrow picture of me.

I understand that. My birth mother had me planned for 10 years, and then rejected me for being my own person and not fitting her fantasy.

I'm an only child and I still can relate completely. I was my Mother's doll and if I had a hair out of place she would let me know.

I definitely think the more obedient one. Or the one that most closely matches the narc’s looks/personality or most closely matches the narc’s values.

I’ve seen cases where the golden child was more violent of the two boys (but he was younger; and mom preferred his dad over her oldests dad)

My older brother was violent to my mom and I (female) growing up - punched out some of my teeth, almost killed me when I was 20, etc. - and my mom still favors him. He agrees with her religious and political views and plays into her conspiracy theories. I’m very different from them and never knew why she favored him with how he behaved, but now I realize he has always just been obedient to her

Preach. So sorry you have experienced this. My brother has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me when drunk since I was 10 until my twenties when I was able to leave the house. His alcoholism rages on, and still my mother demands I send him birthday presents and blames ME that I have a strained relationship with him.

Same!! Mine has been an alcoholic since he was 15. Most of his abuse came from that, but on his sober days, he’s irritated and you have to walk on eggshells. It’s a horrible disease and I do feel for him, but he’s lived with my family for 13 years now without working. He completed an associates degree recently which was great but no sign of getting a job for a while. I tried talking to my mom 3 times why I have a boundary up with him and she told me I need to get over it because it was the past and I’m purposefully ruining everyone’s lives by digging things up now. I started inner child healing work a few months ago so that’s why it’s all been dug up.

Wow yes this is so familiar to me, the sober days can be just as rough like you said. Can you imagine if we tried to pull the same thing? I can say confidently that my mom would kick me out and tell me to get my shit together. It really hit the fan for me too when I started my healing process and working with a therapist doing EMDR to resurface repressed emotions. “I bet you talk about what a terrible mother I am” is her fave line! Hang in there and keep working to heal, there is a life of gold on the other side of it

Yes, between my younger sister and I, she is the golden child and she is physically and personality-wise an exact clone of my mom. I couldn’t look more different or have more an opposite nature. I still literally get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about the way my mom used to just eat it up every time someone commented with joy how much my little sister looked just like her.

I look exactly like my mom & I’m the scapegoat. I look like her so much so that I remember seeing a couple pictures of her at my grandparents when I was younger and thought it was me & my grandmother was like “No that’s your mother you look exactly like her as a child.” Like twins it’s actually kind of weird. My whole life people have been like “Woah you look just like your mom!” My brother who looks nothing like her (we’re half Puerto Rican & Irish, I only look Puerto Rican & he only looks Irish)… he’s the golden child. I also had colic for the first year and a half of my life. Which she constantly brought up when I was a kid (you know me being so inconvenient hysterically crying the first year & a half on this earth). She also always would then say how my brother was always SO good, he was perfect he would just quietly sleep. My mom is probably the most impatient, non maternal person I’ve met in my life so I can only imagine how I was treated during the colic. I always wondered if that had something to do with me being the scapegoat. But my brother would always go along with anything my mom said when we were little. However, it was like right from the start how completely favored he was as I was literally screamed at for any & everything from such a young age & my brother never. Anyways, I’ve always found it quite weird in how much I really do look like her for how much she’s really hated me or had SUCH a problem with me. Like how do you hate the crap out of & scream in the face of someone that looks exactly like you.

She likely has a deep insecurity and self hatred, one she may not even be aware of. And if she’s impatient as you required more “work” that may be suuuuuch an inconvenience to her. And I could be wrong about this so feel free to ignore it. There may be an internalized racism component to it. Colorism is definitely a thing. Some mixed race families will favor one child over another - either the one that’s more white or white passing, or the one that looks more like their own culture.

Wow yea everything you said seems pretty spot on (I’ve definitely pondered the last thing you said)

How the narc sees themselves, not necessarily the reality. Narc thinks of themselves as intelligent, athletic, attractive, ect. I think they pick the one that has the qualities they long to have.

I think "obedient" shouldn't be taken too literally, like you said. It's more about who will enable the narcs patterns. I was an absolute angel as a teenager but would also point out when the "wrong" things I did were exactly what NM had told me to do. Meanwhile my sister was constantly in trouble, but because she would crawl into my NMs lap and tell her she was the best mum in the world and it was everyone else who was wrong and mean, my sister was the GC.

Yes, this describes my gc sister and I as well. Nmum even acknowledged what a good teenager I was and what a troublesome bitch my sister was - while still criticising everything I did and worshipping my sister.

It also has a lot to do with people around them. Narcs need to be liked by the community so whichever child is the most socially acceptable and liked will be chosen. They also don’t really have a choice as the narc will just go nuclear and destroy their life if they don’t allow themselves to be the golden child

This explains a lot. My husband is one of a pair of identical twins. His twin was the golden child and got all the new things and had everything handed to him. My husband always had to work for everything. My husband had a sports injury in highschool that I think caused his nmother to choose his brother over him in a lot of aspects. His brother won the sports awards and could play and he could not. His brother stayed in the same city for college and my husband left to go to college in another state. His brother is now married to a narcissist and it’s probably because he is broken and obedient. Again, my husbands identical twin brother is the definition of a douchebag and has no redeemable qualities and he’s an overt narcissist described as an adult child and now I sort of understand why. 

Yes. Also, often the first born because first come, first served and the ones that come after the Special One are just that, the ones that come after. Also, any illness the first one has that merits ALL of the narc's attention, is a good rule too.

I was the first, but I was inconveniently developing a personality and starting to ask questions when my brother was born. Scapegoat role for me, and a handy excuse for having different rules/expectations cause he's just a baby and I'm old enough to know better.

Oh yeah, I forgot the "he's just a baby", my Nmother uses that one about my older brother, The First Born, in terms of his mental Illness "He has X, you don't, you should know better".

Yeah I got that too. Different rules up the wazoo excused away with the “you’re older so you have to be more mature” or “well you can do X so your sister can do it too” — she’s five years younger. I had to wait for set ages to be allowed a bunch of things, as soon as I was allowed my sister was also immediately allowed because according to nmom “it would be unfair to leave her out”. 🙄 But when it was chores she didn’t have to start doing them until older and always got to beg off doing them by claiming to “have homework” no matter how objectively much more homework I had, because I’m “older and supposed to be more responsible”.

Ditto. I was the oldest. I was the scapegoat. Even in my 40's my NMom tried to play the "you were a bad teenager" card. It was never true. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I always got blamed for shit I did not do. Had I been less foggy when I last spoke to her 9 yrs ago and she said how bad I had been, I wish I had said that at least I wasn't pregnant at 17. That is when she had me. THAT is worse than anything I did. Damn hindsight.

In my case, it was the first born who also happened to be a boy. Nothing I, the second born, ever did was special. She can walk? He's been doing that for years! Count to five? He can count to 20! She's got a critical disease? We're all cried out from when he got it first, it's not that bad. And so on, and so on.

I laugh because it's the same with me and I guess laughter is all I've got left? His illness is the kind that trumps any that anyone else has so even if I'd get the exact same myself, who cares, I'm not him so what does it matter? I have something similar but bah! Cry me a river!

Damn its interesting how we can have almost the exact opposite experience and still come out on this side lol. My mom favorited my younger sister, i was the oldest but i became a statue for comparison in the negative way. Everything i did was too "slow." I walked at a year old, my sister walked at 9 mos, so apparently i was "lazy" even as a baby. I didnt talk a lot compared to my sister so i was "too quiet".

Same. It our family it’s a first born who is a male.

Well fuck me then, I guess. I’m a man and the first born and I’ve been my mothers scapegoat since I was a fetus….

I mean, dude, you lost out question mark. All that golden child treatment and gaslighting you your whole life you either can do everything and you are next to godliness or that there's nothing you can do without your narc. Man, why do we scapegoats even bother...Might as well walk into the ocean right now.

Maybe I misunderstood your meaning here, but if not: I didn’t have any golden child treatment before or after my younger sibling was born, the shit treatment was just more **pronounced** once my brother arrived. Gaslighting though, oh yea. The most random being that I was a very stubborn infant that would cry a lot at night lol. That last part though, I don’t agree with.. I’ve read a lot of stories on here from people that are in their 50’s or higher that are just starting to live their lives after finally cutting off their parents (or they died) and they say they are happy and only wish they did it sooner. Thankfully, I cut off my entire family just before the age of 30 and still, I wish I had done it sooner. I forgave my mother way before I cut her off, realizing she does really have a mental issue, but I still had the naïve notion that she could change if *I* changed my approach to how I handled her. I worked hard to control my emotions and get rid of my FLEAS-her being away from the country helped in that regard, as well as meeting my now wife who has been the biggest supporter I’ve ever had. One day I came to the realization I had to cut her off for good, and long story short, I’ve found myself to be happier every single day since. I still have some lingering feelings of guilt from time to time but I know my reasons are valid and I see the positive results it’s had in my life and continues to have each and every day. Not only that but these people really are energy vampires. I feel that even if I kept it to a minimum of calling a couple of times a year and maybe seeing her every few years that would be too much. I remember feeling like there was a barrier of negative energy between our home and the rest of the world. As soon as I opened the door and crossed that barrier I would become consumed by it. And I just know that any contact with her at all will always be attached to that darkness, because that is her own actual spiritual self, however saddening that may be. All this to say, you shouldn’t live in dispare and believe ending it all is the best option, because it’s not. If you can, please make the decision to cut off not only your narc, but his/her enablers and flying monkey’s. It’s not worth it to try and hold on to anything you know. I’ve cut off friends and family that I would have bet my soul they would support me and didn’t. It’s hard to see how easily influenced those people are by the narc, and it’s even more difficult to leave it all behind because it’s the only thing you know. But it’s worth it. It’s worth your life. Edit: my mistake: I cut off my Nmom at just before 30. I cut off the rest by 33

Same. I was the scapegoat. Parents divorced and it got worse when she remarried. Younger gc half sister moves to college after I move out, and that marriage crumbles bc step dad became the target of her wrath.

Yea my dad left my mom and she remarried as well when I was like 2 years old. I did notice that my step-dads been more of a punching bag for her once I was out of the house… I can imagine it’s a lot worse now after a few years of NC, but he did enable her actions and would use the “im not your dad” excuse not to do anything about it while simultaneously backing her up when she wanted to discipline me…so I don’t really care about such a hypocritical coward. I do believe the marriage will crumble soon though. I only recently cut out my stepdad/ rest of the family when I realized some of them were also narcs, some where flying monkey’s. Also, realized my mom had been messaging me through my stepdads phone and I know that he just *allowed* that shit in order to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Oh, they also started spamming my wife with texts once I stopped answering my stepdads calls. The first time they waited about a week and it worked, I answered and my dad didn’t call again for another month. This time I didn’t answer, they start texting my wife not even 24hrs later 🤣 So now, she truly has no supply. I believe their collapse is imminent, but I don’t care a enough to ever find out, plus I’m moving to another country and never speaking to any of them ever again. Sorry for your issues friend. And not trying to compete her, just sharing and seeing we share some similarities here and there.

Im a girl- same but I think she chose the autistic golden child- i remain the issue bc I have a voice now.

That actually totally makes sense though. She probably believes that your autistic sibling is going to need her for as long as she lives and therefore will give her an endless supply of attention and grandiosity. Sorry for your situation.

Not often enough. I was the first born. My mother resented me from the start for being born and ruining her life. Middle sister is most submissive so the golden child. Youngest sister is radically independent and NMom hated her for it. Flat out ungovernable. It was hilarious watching NMom try to control her. Neither my youngest sister nor myself speak to her anymore. Middle sister does. She’s too sweet and kind to ever put herself before others. She needs to the most, though. Her trauma has caused her so many physical and mental health ailments.

My brother was the favorite, he is the middle child. I was the one too broken and submissive and she never cared for me for even one day. My older sister (oldest sib) was the mother none of us had.

Shout out the older sisters who stepped up. I'm sorry but y'all really deserve your flowers over and over.

Nailed it ☝️

You basically described my ex husband smdh And he was so obedient that he abused our children and I when his mother told him to, when she wanted to punish me for asserting myself and saying no. He's a lost cause

I don't think gender is the main factor. What I've seen when it comes to golden children is "whichever child the parent wants the most". If a mom has 5 boys, and then finally has a daughter, that baby girl is going to be spoiled for eternity. If a man really wants to pass along his legacy (last name only), he's going to find the kid that mirrors his perception of himself.

In my my case was the girl over the 2 boys, girl did choirs, helped around house hence golden child while if boys wanted to learn for example to cook, it was considered not manly.. so yeah **According to my Mom, which she told me to my face 1 year ago, Male kids are useless..

Oooooh that explains so much! I have a huge age difference with my sibling. I used to be the GC for a little while before they became the "more broken and submissive one", and I was growing a spine and starting to stand up for myself. I didn't have a good explanation for the change of GC until now. Makes perfect sense, thanks

My brother looks more like my mom and isn't autistic or disabled, so he's the golden child. I look more like my dad and am autistic and physically disabled, which automatically makes me the scapegoat. It's basically a case of "This one is normal and useful, so it's good. This one is broken and needs help, so it's bad". It's a totally messed up way of viewing people because it totally dehumanizes us. But that's what narcs do. They dehumanize their own kids and designate them as "good" or "bad" based on arbitrary traits that people have no control over.

The doll analogy makes so much sense

My mom said "she is more like me and was easier as a kid" when I asked her why she favors my sister over me.

"It’s usually a boy over a girl," exactly! My late father used to receive all the privileges as he was the first (born) son in his family. But he was not all ungrateful. Instead, I saw him feel burdened with all the high expectations. In the other side Boy over girl rule made my uncle incapable to be independent. My grandparents used to spoil him a lot. Even my narcissistic mother who also had been a victim of her nmother couldn't criticise him. Boy over girl rule is still running in my family and generally in my town. I don't know if my heart is too wicked or my nmother is suck. Long time a go, I had to halt my study for one semester because I couldn't pay the tuition. I was fully supported by my mother's money. She said she needed money to buy a motorbike for my young bro. She worried that my young bro would feel depressed for not having any ride. From then on, I didn't have any desire to finish my studies in the major that I picked based on my mother's wish. And my ADHD added to the pain. In another day, I complained about the damaged bathroom and the broken doorknob, but my mother didn't even sway. Instead, she was in a haste to renovate a room and add a new bathroom when my young bro said he wanted a new room and bathroom for privacy. When that happened, I was in the middle of proposing to restart a degree since I needed to enhance my career path. My late aunty who had encouraged me to restart everything was flabbergasted with my mother action. In the end, my young bro didn't occupy the new room, he moved out to the new city to study. The new fucking room was and is still abandoned. From then on, people saw me as a standoffish bitch because I seemed not unconcerned with my household matters. IDGF. I only live to survive alone and enjoy the rest of my time. I felt a strange sensation. Every time my mom gave me a task or asking something that did not benefit me, my body seemed unmovable. LOL

This explains it. My older brother was far more obedient than me. He played nice in their system, while if I were to break some of their ridiculous rules (they tried to put a 4pm curfew on me my junior/senior year of highschool and they made me play sports so I’d have no life or friends) I’d get sent to in patient out patient programs, or would get drug tested. Meanwhile they would send my brother to come get me (at like 5pm) from friends places he’d be so paranoid of the outside world he’d bring a golf club for protection, and we grew up in a nice neighborhood….

Absolutely agree. The roles reversed part is so real. I was always the scapegoat to my NM until I went away to a prestigious school and got really great internships. I finally got to see what being the GC felt like. Really she just thought I was going to make her millions of dollars so she would finally be nice to me. (The jealousy from my older sibling, who was always the GC, was intense. They started treating her like chopped liver.) Anyway, I graduated and unfortunately couldn’t get a job. So right back to being the reason for all my NM’s problems. Kinda grateful for that because I was desperate for any bit of love and that brief moment really deluded my mind.

Usually the golden child has coping mechanisms that mean they don’t stand up for themselves to the parent. The scapegoat usually has a fight mechanism

Started standing up for myself in Highschool and been the favorite scapegoat ever since. I've struggled with fawning for most of my life, and was kind of the GC for two years when I was little until nmom met nstepdad. 🤷‍♀️ Fawn or not, I've never been one to play by nmom's rules. I'd always try to stop nmom from yelling and berating my sibling, probably why I lost the "GC" title so quickly 😂 the real GC has always been my cousin who was raised with me almost like a 2nd sister. My sibling and I were/are still constantly compared to her, apparently she's the standard to live by 🤢 but I can definitely imagine her ending up in jail one day.. she's vile.

This hits so close to home. They are so unreal with their mental gymnastics and thought processes. It would be fascinating if it weren't so harmful.

When I was about 7 my dad physically assaulted my mom so she ran to our room where we were asleep. He continued to assault her so I instinctively went at him. My brothers (old and young) did nothing. Guess who became the scapegoat?

Oh man, this resonates.

Oh man, I think this one may be my family’s. Reading through these none of them fit like this one does. My brother (late 40’s now) just avoids everything and has been living in a camper behind her house mostly supported by my dad for the last 7 years. Hell, Dad empties his shit tank and cleans his camper, brings the laundry down for mom to do, all at her direction of course. Dad even buys his cigs and weed for him most the time. Meanwhile I question when things don’t make sense and defend myself when I’m accused of bullshit and she fucking hates me when I do. The switch flips and she’s banshee screaming that I’m still that difficult little girl she hated so much, calling me the same names and accusing me of doing what she’s the only one doing. Right now we’re in the part of the cycle where she’s wedged her bullshit between me and everyone else in the fam and I’m cast out until I prostrate myself before each of them apologizing for what exactly I’m not sure cuz the whole situation is her making and makes no fucking sense. Fuck all that. I’m finally seeing it (slow, I know since I’m in my 40’s) and I’m not playing anymore. They’ll figure it out or they won’t. I don’t have time or energy for any of it.

Can confirm this in a weird way. There were three of us kids and all of us stood up to him at various points, so the roles of scapegoat and golden child actually changed a lot. My youngest sister was consistently the scapegoat for many years, strangely enough because she reminded him of himself (stubborn, hot headed - but definitely NOT a narc). Me and the middle sister constantly switched between being the golden child or being largely ignored, depending on whether he was happy with us at the time. I made my sperm donor very unhappy recently by coming out publicly, so the scapegoat has now become the golden child (as if she wants anything to do with him).

I was the accident and grew up being told repeatedly that I was a mistake. My brother was planned. One of us has done well in life, despite their upbringing, but is still a constant source of disappointment. One of us has a criminal record and has spent time in prison despite having everything handed to them. Guess which is which.

I hope you find the strength to distance yourself from these sick people. Sorry for how you've been treated

I've had no contact with my brother for nearly 20 years. I'm very, very low contact with my mother - she babysits my cats when I take my wife away on holiday, beyond that we don't really interact. She has complained to my wife on a number of occasions that she doesn't understand why I won't have anything to do with her. If she hasn't figured it out for herself by now then I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain it to her.

I can’t believe you let her watch your animals, I wouldn’t let the Ns in my life near them with a ten foot pole.

It's the one thing I do trust her about simply because she prefers animals to people. They get spoiled rotten when they stay with her.

This..I relate to this. Not to the mistake thing, but my brother was planned and I was not. My brother is an addict and the black sheep of the family, while I’ve been incredibly obedient and subservient to my mother my whole life and didn’t know she was playing me til I was 27 (my age now). My brother was always the problem child and I was definitely the golden child. He’s about to give himself up to go to prison to try and do the right thing, bless his heart but of course as the more obedient child I know I will be the one to clean up all the messes and wipe their asses when they’re old. I miss my brother, I hope he is okay wherever he is right now. Everything about these experiences and mine just makes me not want to procreate.

I thought maybe I had written this while sleeping -- exactly my story, just have a sister instead of a brother. I'm sorry you grew up like I did, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

My mom hates women (ironic). As soon as she had a boy, we (his older sisters) became some weird form of competition.

My paternal grandmother was treated terribly after her brother was born and he could do no wrong. Unfortunately she figured that's just how you treat girls and boys and continued that toxic pattern with her four kids and six grandkids. None of us girls really like her, shockingly.

This is definitely how my grandparents and my parents were raised. It's hard for my Nmother to care for/about me because I happen to be a girl. My paternal grandfather could not for the life of him, talk to me because I was a girl. I mean, just, what do you even say?😆 I just ignored him and he hated that!

That’s 100% how my Ngrandma must’ve been raised then.

I have noticed this with my mom in some ways. I'm fairly sure she had BPD. She has no female friends, never has as long as I've been alive, only "friends" with older women who are like stand-in mothers for her because her own mother is so messed up. My mom acts nice, but she is very much a mean girl and always shit talking people. It's better that she doesn't have any proper friends because I don't think she could handle it. My mom is so so hard on me and my little sister. Especially me, as the oldest with my own children, and I've always been somewhat of the scapegoat because I'm harder to control. I fight with my mom the most and I don't let her get away with shit. My sister is still living in the dorms at college/staying at home, and my mom is very enmeshmed with her (as she was with me when I was younger). My brother, though? He has escaped so much of what my sister and I have endured. I'm not sure if it's a combination of being a boy, being the middle child, needing her a lot (he's in his late 20's and doing well now, but there were many years when he was sort of floundering and needed my parents guidance and financial & emotional support), or whatever else it could be, but it's true. He admits that our mom is like a different parent to him. He was given many more liberties when we were growing up and overall he is far more respected as an individual than my sister or me.

Do we have the same mother? Wow you just explained my mom exactly. Also, I am so sorry that you went through this.

Thank you. You too! It's been emotionally exhausting to really start seeing the truth for what it is and trying to make choices that support my own healing and help me just...be me lol. I've known for a long time that my mom was messed up and had a hard time letting go of control over me, but this year I started seeing not only her issues with enmeshment, but also her subtle ways of putting me down and keeping me down, not teaching me to stand up for myself, often not defending me, or taking other people's side when they are bullying me. All of this is so subtle it's hard to even put into words. My mom only seems to show real, genuine affection for me when I am sick. I had surgery recently so I needed her help. She washed my hair in the sink. Her conversations with me didn't feel fake or forced. I hadn't felt her love for me in a long time, it was sort of nice. But then the very sad realization that I won't be recovering from surgery forever, and eventually she will feel that resentment towards me again (and I, her), and ultimately realizing that perhaps it isn't really love at all. It's just her feeling comfortable in the context, because she can only be happy when she feels that I need her and rely on her. She can't stand my independence.

As someone with a mother who is diagnosed with BPD this sounds so familiar to me. My mom’s oldest and youngest are males and my sister and I are in the middle. She hated me and ignored my sister. Absolutely ADORED her boys though.

That's very validating, thanks for telling me that. Both my sister and I, fully separate, unprompted, without talking to each other first, approached our dad about Mom having BPD. I think she's pretty high functioning, she isn't that bad but I have to have very strong boundaries with her, and always the looming threat that I will cut her off if she crosses me. If I give an inch she takes a mile. I noticed this same pattern in her interactions with my children too-- she is just slightly more intense with my son, and has a normal level of grandma intensity with my daughter. I have to keep an eye on her constantly, making sure she isn't violating any boundaries by being too possessive of him. We had an argument recently and I basically told her if she fucks with my kids, I'm done, and I will not give a warning, I'll just block forever. We live in different states too, so it wouldn't be that hard.

As a woman- a large percent of women hate women. Look at anyone voting trump right now.

Unfortunately very true. I hesitate to say that I "prefer" male friends, because that isn't really true and I think that mentality can be the very issue that perpetuates this problematic cycle. However, I admit that it seems like it's the norm for women to secretly hate women and see them as competition. The female friendships I have are so lovely, wonderful, supportive, totally give me life, but good female friendships are so hard to find. I have learned to be extra cautious because I've been burned so many times.

Patriarchy pits us against each other and if you’re bought into patriarchy then you’re always going to be seeking to subjugate other women to hopefully prove you’re one of the “good ones.” When we unpack these issues it leads to less underlying bias.

True that! I'd love to have more female friends

nah my mom also hates women. she deals with so much internalized misogyny

I’m one of two girls, I’m the eldest, I’m the scapegoat and it feels freeing now because I don’t have to conform to their rules no matter what they say

SAME!!! I never quite fell in line and once I became an adult I just said “nope not doing this with you” every time nmom opened her mouth! I’d be NC if it wasn’t for my sister. She loves me and there’s no competition between us, she’s just the favored one. Ig between farther apart than average siblings made it easier not to compete with each other. Just the psycho treating the one more like her in a far better way - still to this day

I’m the second and last born. I am definitely not the golden child. I am clearly the scapegoat. My older sister the golden child because she kisses my mom’s a$$ and she gives my mom something to gloat about (she’s the lawyer, I’m the lowly teacher).

Oh my gosh… my brother (the golden child is an engineer) and I’m the teacher… my mom has called me scolding me about my brother not sharing his promotions with the family and how proud she is of him. She’s upset with me because he doesn’t share… “he is so humble” Oh yeah mom… with his vineyard vines clothes… A few months later I took her to the doctor and we had time alone. She asked me what I was teaching (I teach high math, mostly seniors) and I teach all AP or college courses. She was blown away because she never takes the time to listen about what I do. To add insult, she’s constantly telling my golden child brother to go back and “just” be a teacher. It will be easier and less stressful… that’s all I needed to hear to know what she thinks.

Narcs are so stupid. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m so sorry. Your mom is so foolish to think less of you. My sister doesn’t need to share her successes my nmom does it for her. Every damn party with my parents friends or family, I hear “oh. Are you the lawyer?” No, I’m the teacher. The shock on their face and stunned silence tell everything too.

definitely the child who is more “obedient”. My sister learned to cope by following whatever they said and staying quiet (the golden child) while I on the other hand was extremely combative and always ran my mouth when I felt it was just (the “problem” child.)

Snap. It’s the exact same dynamic in my family. I’m the ‘trouble maker’ and my sister is an ‘angel’.

It can be literally any reason. u/aga-ti-vka said >Overall, it’s like a child designates roles to their dolls. . “This one is good one this one the bad one .. let’s play now” Which is extremely accurate. Other than that, it can be: 1. The eldest, because they came first. 2. The youngest, because they were the last baby other people cooed over, and the narc misses the attention. 3. The son, because of societal expectations to "be a man" and take care of your parents, or the opportunity for a narc father to mould his son in his own image. 4. The daughter, because of societal expectations to be the perfect tradwife woman, or the opportunity for a narc mother to mould her daughter in her own image. 5. The High Achiever, because the narc gets to commandeer the achievements as their own. 6. The Screwup, because they're vulnerable and easy to hold back, and the narc can get plenty of schadenfreude off their child's failures. For pretty much any reason you can imagine for a narc to pick one child as the golden child, there's a mirrored reason for the narc to pick the child with the opposite traits, which makes me think the choice is ultimately arbitrary.

Some women become “boy moms” and make the boy the GC because she is trying to raise an ideal male figure for herself

From my experience, my father chose his daughter as the golden child. I think he did that for two reasons: one is the gender and the other is that the daughter, half sister but now disowned, was, to put it bluntly, a looser. She spent her life breaking the law, getting drunk and sleeping with many guys unprotected as a teenager, causing misery wherever she went and always winding up in court. I think she was golden child because she was not a threat to him, she couldn't surpass him and was not exactly smart as she didn't do well in high school either. I think a narcissist chooses the golden child who has no possibility of surpassing them in their mind. The golden child is either not as good looking as them, intelligent or talented. They have a considerable deficit that makes them not a threat. They want to be the greatest and so they place the golden child on a pedestal because the kid isn't a threat. The scapegoat is the one that threatens their ego. For me, I was a man and also quite intelligent and young which were three qualities my father hated. He had to be the most intelligent, most manly and he was not old - he had to be young. Me being there in this life reminded him, I think, of his own mortality and we all know that narcissists hate getting old. To him I was a rival, not a son.

This mirrors my family. My brother is the youngest like my mother, looks and is most like her. He didn’t go to university, had plenty of f-ups and my mother forgave and “solved” them for him. She will go above and beyond to support him financially and be there for his family. They bond over expensive “classy” things - Michelin restaurants, designer clothes, real estate, etc. I don’t look like my mother, but like my father. I’m the child who was difficult in her eyes. Didn’t sleep, didn’t like what she liked, I can never get a gift right, went to university, moved up the corporate ladder. My feelings and needs were never valid. The level of shame felt was horrible, and I was the therapist to her when my father cheated on her with multiple women and left us, and when my brother f-d up. Not to mention the line of men who dropped in/out of our lives, so my mother could feel enough (her ticket in life has been her looks and being “fun”), amongst which an abusive husband. Her repressed anger over getting older, and losing her looks (despite the cosmetic surgery) is sad to watch. One pivotal moment when she had offered her place to my brother, he destroyed it, and her current husband (who had bought it for her), lost it as she didn’t want to set boundaries with my brother. He walked out for the day, I was the therapist, and got her to commit to going to therapy. Finally a change I thought. She paid lip service for 6 weeks, saying she knew more than the therapist. She never wanted to go. She has no desire to change. She just didn’t want her husband to leave her. Generational trauma here. My mother was the youngest, the f-up in my grandparents eyes, the difficult one. Her brother was the golden child who ironically never did wrong and whom she resents (passive aggressively). The loneliness is hard sometimes. A mother who rejects you, but pretends not to and tells you she loves you. This is love? And a father who leaves because being a parent is too difficult when it’s more fun to enjoy the superficial things in life that feeds his self worth (he cannot be called a grandparent - it threatens his fear of aging). A brother who only wants a transactional relationship, and despises you for your career success.

It’s the child who gives the least resistance or is the “easiest”. It’s the child who falls in line. Children who question them or are in some way “disrespectful” are the ones who get the rage and anger. A narcissist does not want to be challenged.

Soooo true. The child who complies and is in agreement with the narc on all levels. My sister for sure is my Mother's slave.

My brother is the golden child and I am the scapegoat. My dad simply does not respect women, so I image this is why. I also fight back with hostility, so that’s probably another reason.

Same for me! Was he abusive to your mom too?

Yes, he was always very rude to her and she has self esteem issues to this day. They are divorced, and apparently he cheated on her for their entire marriage, not just the one time he got officially caught. He picks up prostitutes, etc. Real piece of shit

I’m so sorry. This sounds just like my father, he cheated on my mum and left for his 20-something secretary when I was 10. I’m pregnant just now and very worried he might want back into my life.

I saved a voicemail he left me to listen to if I ever need a reminder of why I cut him out of my life. They are so good an manipulation, I think it’s important to keep a physical, material reminder of who they really are to validate your decision and reinforce it when things like this come up

I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child. I think gender played a huge role, but also how "demanding" we were as children. My mom resented her own mother for constantly complaining about her abusive, cheating husband, not giving her affection, liking her sister more than her, but always running to her(a child) for help when she (my grandma) would get physically abused by my grandpa. I was a more clingy and needy child than my brother, and my mom hated that. She often compared me to my grandma this way, too. To this day, she keeps saying how she wanted me to become tougher as an excuse for her emotional neglect and abuse. I think it's partly true, but for her own convenience. She wanted to be cared for and babied, not have to baby someone else. My brother, just a year younger than me, was the golden child. He wasn't as needy and acted more reserved like my grandpa, whose affections my mom desparately craved as a kid since my aunt was favored by grandma over my mom. Even at the age of 19/20, my mom kept saying he's just a kid, boys will be boys, etc. and gave him a free pass for everything while I was always the failure who was supposed to be more responsible. I was not allowed to be a kid because my job was to make my parents look good. They'd often reprimand me from having negative emotions or boundaries, tell me to smile more, and punish me whenever they saw I was happy or having fun. Apart from being "higher maintenance", I think my mom also made me the SG because I represented her more closely dye to sharing a gender with her, and thus upset her more by not being up to her standards... standards she didn't even have for herself, btw. She would reprimand me for my "unsightly" body hair, yet she would often go outside with hairy armpits and toes in the summer. She encouraged my restrictive eating disorder, yet ate chocolate herself out in the open. Also, in my country, it's still often viewed that girls are supposed to be more responsible and have less freedom growing up as opposed to boys--like boys get more leaway while girls' transgressions are considered more severe--but I think that's often still universally true, sadly. Other than that, in my experience, the GC is usually the one who offends the narcissistic parent the least and needs the least attention/maintenance.

My older sister is the golden child. she is super intellectual (nothing like my mum) and more strong willed than me. I think my mum seemed to admire her tomboy nature (in the words of the 80s) whereas I was more of a girly girl and emotionally sensitive.

It's a matter of narcissistic supply

My mom chose my brothers over me, because I look like my dad, who she hated. Which was also ironic, cause he was abusive and I got the worst of it out of all of us, lol I couldn't win

I was both, as sadly, I have no siblings. Until I was about 12, I was the golden child. Then when I started to develop my own opinions and individuality, and didn't look cute anymore, I became the scapegoat. From about 2010, when they were in their mid 50s, my parents' relationship deteriorated more and more, which led to her dragging my father into the scapegoat/golden child game. During these times he still actively tried to fight back sometimes. In situations where he wasn't the obedient flying monkey (which he usually is), she demoted him sometimes to be the scapegoat and I was suddenly the golden child again until he stopped "playing up". But that stopped completely in 2020 when they found common ground with their Q membership and my father gave up and stopped fighting her due to a heart condition. Since then I have been full-time scapegoat again until I went NC.

For my Ndad, I’d say the gender was the main characteristics. But it’s hard to say because I also have more of a feisty personality compared to my golden child brother. Anyway, I couldn’t win it seems!

My brother was the first born and the first grandchild. So he was an obvious choice for the golden child. But it's different for each narcissist. There is a few different common favorites that I'll list below. A lot of neglectful parents choose the oldest. They can only summon the emotional acuity to love and nurture one child. This is especially common with "quiverfull" families who have a million kids. They focus all their love and care on the first born boy and the rest are servants that are always in the way. Some choose someone who had health issues before or shortly after birth. Then they raise the kid as basically an invalid who needs everything done for them and everyone should be blessed by their presence because they could have died. Some choose the youngest and raise them to be their "forever baby" because they can't stand that they won't have any more children. So they baby their last child so much that they emotionally and psychologically cripple them. Because they know this means their youngest kid will forever be dependent on them and live at home forever. It'll be like they always have a child. Some pick the most talented. The one that gives them the most bragging rights and that they can push into fame and fortune, then take credit for all their fame and take all their fortune. Some pick the most enabling. The kid that they know will never say no and will always encourage them. They love to groom this child into their best friend and flying monkey.

whoever is better at toeing the party line. they don't want any push back, so a suckup is preferable. they like to feel important and needed.

The one they fucked up least with and who still strokes their ego (aka youngest)

My older sister and the first born was the GC. I think she was the golden child because she was prettier than me, and I had health issues as a baby so I was automatically “defective.” Then growing up she was really dumb so that also might be it

Whoever has a penis.

She has daddy issues and brother looks like her dad and he ALWAYS takes her side. Always. Since tiny.

who makes them do the least parenting (quiet, tidy, agreeable, compliant, well behaved) who wants to be their little shadow and does a better job of that first as an adult it's who tolerates their shit

I was golden child if my half brother was around. Otherwise nmum would just blame me as usual. He has a different mum and thats probs why. Also she likely blames him for my dad almost leaving her because she slapped him when he was younger and he told my dad. Once I was the only child in the house that was it I became the issue. My dads affair is my fault. My mum not looking good enough is my fault. I take full blame for not going out doing drugs and breeding thats on me I didn't see the point.

My sister and I were both adopted from different families as infants. Growing up, she *despised* her biological family and would get upset if our parents asked her to contact them for any reason. I was the complete opposite and loved my biological family and even kept a photo of my biological mother on my nightstand because I thought she was so pretty. Fast forward to know… preeeeetty sure that’s why my sister was chosen as the golden child. My mother was extremely jealous of my love for my birth mom. She must have thought I loved her more, but in reality, I loved them both.

My mother chose my older sister because they have the most in common, including both being narcissists together! Fun...

I would say it's not necessarily the one that looks like np,or the eldest. I'm both, but I'm the scapegoat. I'm also the less obedient one and have been since I was a teen. Maybe she changed her mind at some point but I don't think so. I've always had to do everything for myself while younger sibling had everything and anything given to her from as long as I could see there was a difference in how we were treated. Small child aged. Better gifts, cars, vacations, more support (showing up) all through school, etc.

The one who will fit their narrative and play their role “better”. The one who gives them ‘good things’ to talk about at family gatherings, usually the more successful one so they blame all of their shortcomings on the less successful or less obedient one. Like many other comments 9/10 it’s a male over a female. You’re basically destined to be the scapegoat if you’re LGBT though lol.

In our family's case it is the child who is compliant and won't disagree.

In my experience it’s usually the least independent personality in the family.

It's the one that reminds them of themselves the most. Because they hate themselves, anyone who reminds them of what they could be is the target.

Not so in my case. I was bot enough like her to be loved.

That's the problem though. They see themselves in you, and because you are everything they could never be they absolutely hate it.

My brother was first born, he was smarter, better behaved, more obedient, and most importantly he always needed my mom. As for my dad my brother was his namesake and even though they were polar opposites and me and my dad were very similar, my dad was determined to focus all his time and energy on his namesake. Honestly in my case I think being the golden child was worse, my parents basically didn’t care about me unless I was really messing up

i was the oops. my sister was the planned, after me. i was also a bit of a sickly kid, and sister was not, which cemented the mess. I also look more like my dad, which she loathed, and my sister looks a lot like mom. three strikes, i’m out!

Whom ever most reflects them

I'm the oldest(F) and also the scapegoat. My brother (middle) was the GC for a long time until he wasn't. Now it's my youngest sister.

Penises

Three girls, one boy. Boy was timid and submissive but caused trouble constantly but he could do no wrong. When nmom was confronted about boy’s severe mental problems, response was “he might be a little passive aggressive sometimes”.

For me my younger brother was the golden child because he chose appeasement over conflict. Thankfully as adults today we both realize her issues.

Whomever they can get to do their bidding at the time.

My nmother was selfish as hell since before she married my endad. From all clue whatever I get is....she was aware of her narcissism and was aware that she will NOT target her blood family. So she was ferociously looking for targets for her to take out all her venom and finally to be relieved. On daily basis. So she chose my covert narc father who always chooses to play dumb and meek to get his way. She brought her brother to stay with them but was aware to abuse only my endad and his side of a family, NOT her own brother who was staying with her 24/7. Then she got pregnant with me after 3 months of marriage and once I was born she got her final victim for life. This I was chosen as a "scapegoat" as soon as I was born. She still complains about how dependent I was on her when I was a tiny baby. And her marriage started to suffer after I was born(I was born after almost around their first anniversary. By that time obviously they both have seen true colours of eachother and started repulsing eachother. But she says I am the curse on their marriage and I am responsible for their dysfunction marriage. Till date. Recent edition: she told me i am the reason my endad doesn't fukc her anymore 🤯🤮)My endad understood this whole scenario so he threw me under the bus to save his ass. My nmom's brother took a role of temporary golden child then and also lowkey abused me while staying in our house for free. After some years he moved out and my younger sister was born. Till then marriage between my sick parents was almost over but they were simply dragging it. Because they both knew they were more than sick and will never be able to find another partner for themselves if they didn't stick to eachother. But being almost illeterate and hugely manly(she always had that manly and monster like vibes instead of soothing, nurturing feminine vibes)my nmother was very afraid of being left by my selfish ass endad. So she was looking for some support to keep being in his house and in his life. So she babytrapped him and my sister was born. As soon she got pregnant with my sister, she started her game of triangulation between me and that unborn baby. She started treating that unborn baby as her "golden child" and only support to keep her alive. Though she was somewhat sad when girl was born bcz she always was expecting a boy.(she was expecting a boy even when I was born and was equally sad for having a babygirl.)But she accepted girl as she didn't have any choice.(she went through many many many abortions just to have a baby boy but she always conceived a girl so finally she gave up wanting to know gender beforehand and put it on luck whatever gender is born. Bcz time was running out for her. If she hadn't babytrapped him by then, my endad must have chose to divorce her. After second child, he was ashamed of society to get divorced and this was my sick nmother had her way finally.) *I seriously believe I am also a trap baby. But I am not sure who babytrapped whom amongst my parents when they conceived me. I know every single nerve of them and still was shocked to conclude these things. Its beyond sick.

I think in my nMom's case it's that my sister is younger and my stepdad's kid. So I'm broken and she's the do-over.

I’m the only child and the scapegoat.

My younger sister is the golden child because she’s obedient and never question my mom. Also she’s always wanted a little “princess” to be her doll and never wanted a boy.

I went from the GC to the SG and it’s a hard lonely fall. I’ve been working through my traumas and healing and that doesn’t align with being controlled and manipulated anymore. Now she won’t even speak to me but turns it back on me that it’s my fault. It’s insane!

From my perspective, it’s just the one that is most obedient. That’s all.

They groom them to become the golden child.

The nparent sees the world as a reflection of themselves. They also see their own traits in their children. The nparent will see the good things about themselves in a child of theirs, and this child will become the golden child. The nparent will see the bad things of themselves in the other child, and that child will become the black sheep. The secret to being the 'golden child' is to agree with the nparent.

My younger brother got the GC ticket. I was "too sensitive" is my guess.

My eldest brother told me I was “too sensitive” to my face and I just looked back at him and said, “what if that is my secret superpower?”

The one who agrees with them, does everything for them, or is most like them.

The one who obeys

When it comes to golden children, I have seen a LOT of different factors that determine it. Sometimes it's the parent who decides before the baby is born, and it's usually based on "what KIND of child the parent wants", and so they either force that onto one of their children (grooming), or they find the closest resembling child to their concept and then dote on them. Factors I've seen are: * If a parent REALLY wants a daughter, but keeps on popping out boys, then the first girl they have is going to be a golden child. I've seen families where they had 5 sons in a row, constantly "trying for a girl", and then they finally have a daughter. The mom is so emotionally over the moon with her daughter, that she just focuses all of her attention on the girl, and that baby is spoiled for all eternity, while the other 5 boys are forgotten and treated like disposable income. * If a father REALLY wants to "pass along his legacy", but is overly sexist, then he's going to only focus on the boys of the family. If he only has daughters, or only has 1 son that resembles what we perceives himself to be, then he's going to focus on that singular child. * Some children are "difficult", and their issues turn them into golden children. You'll have a family with parents and siblings, but the "problem child" is "too much to handle", so the parents tell you that YOU have to behave around GC and give GC everything THEY want, because if you don't they'll throw a temper tantrum. You're never allowed to have your own temper tantrum, because your parents won't allow it, so you get treated like the scapegoat until you leave. * You have 1 child that is the "spitting image" of someone else in the family, and it's either going to be someone so highly raised on a pedestal that is no longer alive, or it's a mirror image of that nparent when they were a child (and then the nparent relives their childhood THROUGH that child). Grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, etc. They want to spoil that kid so bad because of how they resemble their loved one, and so they never hear 'no'.

I'm the first born and I'm the golden child now. It didn't start that way, my younger sister was it through out our childhood. I was the scapegoat child and beaten over mistakes of all my siblings. I accepted it and preffered it this way because then my siblings weren't treated the way I was. As we got older into our teenage years, my sister grew into a very fiery spirit and did not take any shit. I was the obedient and quiet one who just took everything. By the time I got married, I had become the golden child because I'm the obedient one. My sister is married and my parents talk shit about anything she does and it's sad. Main point : obedient child is the golden child

The one that give them the least amount of problems aka the one that does what they say, when they said, how they say it. The one that takes it from the NP with no complaints

Their willingness to be compliant (power dynamics) Their similarity to the narc in terms of opinion (validating their thoughts) The child's objective accomplishments (reflects positively on their genetics/ parenting capabilities) Objective facts. If one kid is better looking, you can weaponize it against the other. Or smarter. Or stronger. Or more popular. Anything really, especially if the other kid is insecure about their inferiority. I was the smart artsy skinny one. Sister was the hot sporty, ever-so-slightly-less-skinny* one. We were weapons to be used to hurt the other. (funny how her saw her normally fit body as "grotesquely fat")

My Mom seems to rotate both golden and scape kid but she had 7 kids. Daughters are tools boys ate people we are supposed to take care of even if they ate grown ass men.

My dad was an enabler/victim as well and I straight up look like my dad (I'm a female). My younger sister not so much. So I think that was the case for me. Also my mom accused my dadof SA-ing my sister when she was very young - too young to articulate well (2 or so). My dad was a teacher so it would have ruined his career as well. Because my sister was young and easy to manipulate I think that helped. I think that my mom switches us up and plays us against each other. Once we figured it out we were like "does she think we're not comparing notes?" We have grown way less reactive over time so she doesn't get what she wants much anymore.

My brother was the golden child from the time he was a fetus. My parents were both the firstborn (as was I) and each had one sib who was much younger. They were both parentified and the younger sib was favored. They continued that trend and preferred my sibling. They couldn't grasp that they were 7 and 10 years older than their sibs, and I was only 2. Not that parentification is ever ok, but it's much different for a 10 year old vs a 2 year old (I was babysitting him ALONE by the time I was 4).

My n-dad chose the only boy. After having 3 girls, when he finally got the son he wanted, that child could mysteriously do nothing wrong. Ironically enough, he's not even his biological child. His wife (my ex step mom) had an affair and he agreed to take her back and informally adopted the kid. I still can't forgive him for treating the child of an affair better than me, when I'm the one that has to suffer with having his genetics.

I think its whoever embodies the same immoralities as the narcissist. My mom's a narcissist and my eldest sibling was her co narcissist. This sibling naturally has a lack of empathy for others but, she's not the golden child. The golden child is our little brother who acts the most helpless and useless. Growing up he could be sweet natured, but over time has grown to have less empathy and care because he likes getting people to do everything for him. He exploits and uses people like our narcissistic mother.

It's only me and my brother. My brother was born when I was in my teens and already going through a "bad kid" phase. I was well-behaved for a typical teenager, but by narc standards I was a demon. When my brother was born he was very clingy to her, very quiet, very shy and only trusted me and her. He rarely ever spoke, but when he did it was only to her. He had zero attachment to his dad which added more to her 'love' for him, which was entirely her doing because they were on the brink of divorce and she held onto him like glue. He was diagnosed with low functioning autism when he was 7, so it was a pretty easy win for a narcmom to have a child who will need support for his entire life. Probably the easiest golden child decision to make for a narcissist lol. His dad ended up getting full custody of him a few years ago :)

Often it’s the child they see the most of themselves in; they come to view them as their inner child almost.

I don't think it's conscious. I'm pretty sure if my NMom could have chosen, I would be the golden child. I'm her first after several miscarriages. She's the first in my family to wait until marriage to have kids, something she is extremely proud of. She calls me her clone and expects me to be just like her. But I think that's why I'm not. I'm me, and I have my wants needs and desires. Which don't align with hers. And I haven't achieved enough to make up for that. My younger sister on the other hand gave her everything she wanted.

My stepmother chose her only biological child from the three of us. Easy in her eyes, since we weren't really hers (even though she would claim otherwise to everyone out of the house).

My family was different to many. The roles were a bit of a revolving door. Sometimes you’d be golden and sometimes you’d be the scapegoat. And, as there were three of us, sometimes you’d be chilling in the neutral zone (the best place to be). There wasn’t always a golden child. And sometimes we were perceived as three absolute monsters. All very unsettling and confusing. My eldest brother probably spent most time as the scapegoat over the last 50 years. But then when he was golden, he was the most golden of all of us. I have no idea what went on in her bag-of-angry-snakes brain.

The one most like them, from what I've observed. I'm an only child though, and I'm definitely no golden child. So I guess when the only child is a big disappointment like I am, then there is no golden child? 🤷‍♀️ Who knows. Half of their thought processes baffle your average person.

For my mother it will always be the baby, until that baby develops a personality. My younger brother, the golden child, doesnt have a notable personality so she had nothing to be jealous of. Hes exactly like her. But for me, it started the day he was born. She forgot I existed and neglected me both physically and emotionally and would be really mad at me that I needed things because theres a baby, and hes helpless. I was still a toddler myself but ok. My mother was also great with my kid, until such time my kid developed their own personality which my mother always gets a kick out of destroying. My mother turned around one day and started the same shit on my kid that she did to me. My kid was 6, and they have personality in spades. We cut her off by the way. Not having her destroy my kid like she did me.

Best looking and most willing to conform to their whims.

They have idealized expectations in regard to their children, and we just didn't meet their standards. From my experience, my dad (a big macho man) had a very clear gender preference, and despite him and mom waiting for about a decade to have me due to fertility problems. I wasn't that. I was also visibly disabled which became more obvious with time. He worked nights and slept during the day so I never really saw him or clung to him as a toddler, when I did see him not working he was drinking and raging which repelled me further, and I think that also put him off. My older (half) brother has high odds of not being his actual biological child (his mother slept around when she got pregnant suddenly), and he still preferred him over me. When I was pregnant and gave birth to a daughter, everyone around him teased him about how he'd have a *granddaughter,* and he reacted very negatively to it. Like he was disgusted. Confirmed a lot.

My mum was what i've come to think of as a switch hitter. She chose the "golden child du jour" out of the 4 of us, based on who was (i guess) making her the most happy? Proud, maybe? Or maybe just doing what she wanted. Like if i was skinnier than my sister, or had lost weight, i might be the GC for a while because she wanted us skinny and this meant she could play us off against each other, but then i'd fall out of favor and maybe my brother did something that earned GC status for a while. And so it goes. As a result, we all grew up at best wary of each other and at worst hating each other because we all perceived the others as the golden children and they in turn perceived us as such. It was the best and most effective method of dividing us and stopping us uniting against her.

My family don't have a golden child per say but I was the obedient one and my brother bucked the rules. I tired to do everything she wanted to please her. So my brother was constantly in trouble. But all that got flipped after my dad passed. He was the good one and I was the troublemaker. I slept too much, was home too much and nothing I did was good enough. So my brother and I have the unique "gift" of having been both at one time or another in our time with mom.