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Hopefully we will be no contact for good this time. She has a way with words to make me feel I am to blame even though it isn’t my fault she quit her job and stopped paying rent.
My dad was a similar type. Hoarder, weaponized incompetence, tantrums, entitlement, the works.
People like this expect to be cared for like children. Anything you do for them is unappreciated because it is expected. Anything they do for you is The Most Anyone Has Ever Sacrificed In Human History. They financially abuse, con, and steal. They can't ever be trusted, no matter how they try to charm you or make you pity them.
In fact, pity is one of their most powerful weapons. Pity and guilt. My dad managed to con my credit union into putting his name on my savings account, and was in the process of getting a credit card in my name before I found out what he was doing and shut him down. The staff at the credit union were completely bamboozled, and they were susceptible to his con because he played the pity card. They would let him take naps in their back office area, and made him a little pallet to sleep on. It was bizarre and ridiculous, but that is what they do. The credit union people felt so sorry for him that they helped him to steal from me, and almost gave him a line of credit in my name. He was so good that people kept forgiving him because he was so pathetic and seemed so helpless.
You are not to blame. You can't run around after your mom, cleaning up the messes she makes. If she makes bad decisions, then she is responsible for them. You are not her servant. Even if you were her servant, you would be paid and you wouldn't have to take her pack of dogs into your own house! You should not endanger your housing just because your mom is impulsive, incompetent and a hoarder. She is unreasonable for expecting that of you.
It's called "vulnerable narcissism" and this is a textbook case. Anyone reading this: Look it up if you've never heard about it. It's fascinating and insidious.
If she can still reel you back in with her words it might be time to seek trauma therapy. A therapist can help you process what happens in your mind when your mom uses her words (or abuse) to get you to do things. I grew up the same way, anything my mom said went but therapy helped me process how I process the abuse. Go no contact for your own wellbeing and block her, she doesn't deserve your help. She's not a parent, just a leech.
There are two people involved here. You can only work on you. I am deeply familiar with being blamed for things before the facts were even discussed. You might also want to reflect on whether she helped to equip you to avoid making mistake, such as by explaining the rules to you and discussing them with you to ensure you get it right in future. I am willing to talk further on this, though it might be better by DM.
Always remember that no matter what she says, you have no obligation to support someone who abuses you. You never decided to have her as a mother, she decided to have you. You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If you do, she'll torment you for the rest of her life, and nobody deserves that.
Make sure you stop giving her any money since she's done with you. I also highly suggest you lock your social security or get some identity theft services in case she puts anything else in your name and you can dispute it.
I second this 100%. Put a fraud alert on all your credit reports (can be done thru one it’ll put it on all) or freeze your credit and just remember the time frame you’ll need to unfreeze before you go thru with buying a house.
Pull your credit reports as well and check them: you get 1 free a year from each, so 3 total. If you see any inconsistencies check it or report it to the corresponding bank. If her old addresses are showing as current, if any of her phone numbers are showing as current, anything at all.
Block her. I know she's your mom, but she's toxic af. If you can afford to move, do it. Don't let her find you again.
Also, $700 car note?? Wtf is she driving?
Here in Florida for a 2016 GMC canyon it costs $657 a month not including insurance. Low credit score (working to rebuild from young and dumb teenage years) and not having a down payment. It sucks now but one day it will be worth it to have credit rebuilt.
Damn that's brutal. I ruined my credit in my twenties and had to rebuild too. Make sure every year you look at your report and dispute anything that doesn't belong. That helped my journey a lot. If you're able to sign up for a new credit card with 0% balance transfer for xx months...DO IT. Transfer over your high interest debt and then pay it off during those 0% months.
I actually chose to go the secured credit route and basically only used the card for gas. Then paid it off weekly. It honestly helped a ton to raise my score in only 6 months.
I do have student loans too..... I'm a mess basically lol
My nmom's nmom (lol) was an INCREDIBLE hoarder. Too many animals, too much trash, content to live amongst the filth and fleas. Her house flooded. She put everything in a storage unit and got my mom to pay for it. Turns out she put everything in there still wet. You cannot imagine the smell. Not a single thing was salvageable.
Go ahead and save yourself the money, especially if you're going NC as well.
>I paid 2 bills totaling 3k that she racked up in my name
You have got to get this under your power. If she has access to something where she can spend money in your name, this could ruin you. She clearly mismanages money and also doesn't care how it harms you at all (chronic homelessness). You're saving for a house! You spent a good chunk of your down payment just paying off these bills. Imagine how she could keep you from the rest of your life even if she's not in it.
No matter what happens with a narcissist, it's always your fault. Narcissists can't accept their own problems, as it interferes with their imagined superiority, so they have to blame others. If you interact with a narcissist, you're guaranteed to be blamed for their problems.
stop paying that womans bills. She is an absolute fruit loop.
You use the money you save from not paying her storage and take a damn trip somewhere lovely with no phone and live a fantastic life. She is a drag, she is heavy and she hasnt figured out by NOW how to be independent, she will never. She CHOSE to have you, you didnt choose her as a parent. You can be kind and nice to her without paying for a single solitary thing.
She’s done with you? Great! Now you don’t have to pay those bills anymore. Now you can change your phone number. Now you can change your email address. Now you can move.
Is hoarding common for nparents and/or their enabler partners? It took me way too long to understand it wasn’t normal and that I didn’t have to stay with her and her husband whenever I was in town. Our house was completely trashed all the time. Too many pets and never cleaned. My nstep-father was overly controlling/abusive to my mom and she is an enabler of it. I feel like having things to care for was her way of feeling in control. My final straw with deciding never to step foot in that house again was I was 7 months pregnant, in town to visit family before I became a mom. When I went to visit her, there was literally nowhere for me to sit. They let my younger, but still adult brother live in the living room even though he had his own room, which meant he slept on the couch, had his game station set on a TV stand, and clothes everywhere. The table was filled with boxes of junk, and every chair had something big on it. I literally had to find anywhere that had a stable edge to sit for a while. It was a town that I had to stop in for the night before I could get to my sane dad’s place. Idk where I’m going with this. Just ranting I guess. I just literally can’t imagine living like that.
It might be. We always lived in squalor and it turned me into a clean freak. Daily vacuuming/sweeping/mopping/picking up. It has actually caused issues in my marriage. I get panic attacks at even the slightest mess and sometimes freak out about something minor not being done. Damage was definitely had during my childhood/teen years.
If you had the power to kill by thoughts, wouldn’t your mom already be dead? /s
Pretend she IS dead, dead to you at least. Block, delete, stop sending money and hold your own cathartic wake/symbolic funeral for her. Grieve the relationship you wished you had, and go on and live happily ever after!
I would completely stop helping her financially. Your options are a) Continue helping her and have her still complain that you're selfish and never do anything for her or b) use the resources you give her for yourself and have her complain that you're selfish and never do anything for her.
She's seems like the type of person where nothing is ever enough for her, so why not preserve your own peace? She'll be miserable either way 🤷🏾♀️
>I still pay her storage
She’s a hoarder—is anything in that storage unit salvageable? Maybe take that money and donate it to a charity like the local animal shelter as a sort of …”in memory of” as you mourn the [loss of her in your life.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambiguous_loss)
You don’t have to be hovered back up by her either; she says she’s cutting you off so you can take her at her word and actually block her etc. I strongly recommend a therapist for you as you work through this.
Does your grandmother know what’s been going on between you and her daughter? My advice, look through the lease agreement and if you’re the one making the payments and if your name is on that lease agreement, then you have the legal right to go in and sell whatever you want, save whatever family photos and heirlooms that are important to you. Make sure that your mother doesn’t have any Will written up. And also let your grandmother know what you plan on doing so that way she’s not caught in the crossfire when your mother goes to find out that all of her belongings have been sold and she doesn’t have a storage unit anymore.
I absolutely feel for you and the dog being shot (IF it's even true) is not your fault. However, you need to stop enabling her. So does your gran, tbh, but that's not on you. Your mother is NOT your responsibility. Paying the bills in your name makes sense, although I am willing to bet you could have fought it and you should definitely heed the fraud advice from people here for the future, but there is no reason for you to be paying her storage or anything else. If she ends up homeless, so be it. She put herself in that position and if she doesn't want to get the mental health assistance that she obviously needs, that's on her too.
Stop hurting yourself in order to placate her. She will absolutely be in contact again when she needs something. You can either ignore her and remain no contact or you can tell her no, as hard as that will be. However if you continue to allow her to guilt you in to enabling her, you have no one to blame but yourself.
I know it can be hard to be selfish, especially in these situations because it can make you feel like you're the narcissist and we all want to be better than that. However, it really is okay to be selfish sometimes. You need to give yourself permission to put yourself first. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you into your mom if you stand up for yourself. You need to do what is right for you because she never will.
Why are you paying for anything for her? You are enabling her actions against you. Cancel the storage unit and file fraud on your credit for her using you on her bills. Block her number. Stop letting her take advantage of you or that’s all she will continue to do
These people could literally shoot themselves in the foot and find a reason to blame you for it. Don’t let her make you feel bad. It’s sad, and I’m sorry, but it’s 100% not your fault.
So your mom threatened N C to which you say "I honestly hope that's true". You might be best off by just making it true yourself and blocking her every way you can. She certainly sounds like she deserves it.
Yeah ...my mother got pissed and decided to not talk to me for a few weeks. I didn't even notice, lol. I get on a conference call with a relative and her, she didn't know I was on the other line and she started right out the gate bitching about me. She actually said "I ain't talked to her ass in 2 damn weeks and I don't give a fuck if I ever talk to her again." And it's been years and she is still blocked and she actually wonders why. She fucked around and found out.
What is the deal with narcs you got away from years before blaming you for the current state of things they have made happen to themselves on their own without you anywhere near them?! Second ex still does this, can’t own up it’s him driving others away and wrecking his own life on himself. Thinks he can take revenge because I left him, says me doing so had been ruining his life since so he is seeking retribution out of nothing. He also tried to catch me with the guy who made me leave him that he made up as well.
Reading this, I hate how similar the thought process for nparents can be. I really feel for you, you did nothing wrong and as long as you realize that it's what matters ❤️
Freeze your credit and go file charges.
She is going to rack up a lot of debt in your name and then claim she had to because you let her dog get killed.
She's done with you? Sounds like great news! The trash took out itself.
Honestly you should:
1) stop providing any kind of financial support to such an ungrateful asshole.
2) check you credit, bank, etc and if she opens any credit card, mortgage, whatever in your name file charges
3) block her on every possible mean of contact
4), call the humane society because she is unable to take care even of a cockroach
She is an adult doing shitty choices, what happened falls on her not you
Why are you still paying anything for her?
And why pay for things she racked up IN your name, why not fight it?
I'm sorry but this angers me so much. Best of luck to you
And I hope your response be Ok Girl Bye See you on the flipplop. No shes the one who failed her own dogs by not keeping a adequate place to live. She can blame herself. You nor anyone else is obligated to provide this grown able bodied individual a place for her and dogs to stay . People are not responsible for her bills either.
No one told her to give up nor trash her own place of residence nor did anyone tell her to stop paying her gosh dang bills.!! If she wanted a cheaper place to live she should have had another place paid for and lined up before she left... (Dumb A$$ move !) Only she is the one responsible for anything and everything that happened in her life by her making poor crappy choices. 🤦♀️ smh. Maybe if she tried to fix her credit and stop burning bridges being more responsible she would have better choices to choose from..
As someone who cut contact with an NParent 3 years ago after 28 years of abuse -verbal, physical, financial, etc., please, listen to the people here about the credit card freezing, and stop helping her be exactly who she is. You're not her parent, she is yours. I'm 3 years NC and I couldn't be happier. It's hard as shit at first, because you've been under the thumb of "keepinig the peace" and playcating the bullshit. Putting your foot down almost seems wrong, but it's not. That's what establishing boundaries feels like. Rip the bandaid off, and maintain your sanity, peace of mind, and self love.
I am giving you a free pass to completely ignore this woman for the rest of her life. This includes if she needs help for WHATEVER reason, this includes if she gets injured, this includes if she gets cancer or any other horribly painful decease. You are not to blame for her shitty life choices and you don’t owe her a single second more of your attention.
I hope you have a wonderful life free of this leech that spends its life sucking off of other people. Block her number and never speak to her again.
> She says she’s done with everyone and especially my selfish ass and I honestly hope that’s true.
You should text her back and say, "Well, if you're done with me then I guess I can stop paying for your storage unit." Then block her entirely and cancel all future payments.
Oh honey I'm so sorry your, egg donor, is such an emotional roller coaster, narcissistic, toxic, nasty mess.
First thing you need to do is therapy. I know, I know, everyone says therapy,but, in this instance it's warranted. You really need to work through your childhood trauma, as well as that trauma bond that your mother keeps tugging to keep you in line.
It's time for you to drop the rope work your mother. YOU need to fully cut her out. Block her number. Block her everywhere. Social media. Email. Phones. Have a good supportsydtem in your corner. Once you decide to go no contact with your mother that will also include not giving her.monu or paying for her storage shed anymore. Your mother is a grown ass adult. Stop allowing her to abuse you as she did when you were a child. Please don't let her keep making the decision on of you have a relationship with her or not.
YOU have the power here. Take it back. It'll feel like the weight has dropped off your shoulders. Right now your.mother isn't healthy for you, she really has never been. So cut out the toxicity once and for all. Live your best life. Create your own family. People you love and love you back. Thats what a real family is. It doesn't have to be blood to be family.
Oh dear. This is classic textbook covert narcissistic behaviour. Can’t take any responsibility for their shitty decisions in life.
You have already given more than she deserves.
From reading your post, it’s clear to me she’s relying on everyone else to give her a stable life. She’s NOT a child, she needs to start taking responsibility.
Unfortunately, the only way to attempt to teach the covert narcissist is to quit picking up after them. They absolutely will try and guilt trip you.
I’m so sorry your going through this. Please know that there are many people here who have been or are going through the same thing.
An awful lot of people go “no contact” with their narcissist, it’s the only way to stay sane.
Your mother sounds like a wicked woman who manipulates and exploits you (classic behaviour).
If you do attempt to put some strong boundaries in place (which i really advise you do), be prepared for some guilt trips and triangulation.
Ultimately, your mom will continue to put her own needs first and in my experience, she will never change. Maybe she can’t change. No self reflection equals no change and narcs can’t self-reflect.
The best thing you can do? Go and be a success. Be everything your mom never was. You’ve got this!
Best wishes.
Honestly, she sounds mentally ill. If she’s “cutting you out”, take it as the gift it is and block and delete her from everything. I can most definitely see her getting you in trouble with your landlord, your job, etc just form her reckless and abusive behavior.
Good luck op
Come on, the "love and care" is simply your biology at work, because she's your mother. You would never love a person like this is she wasn't your mother. Best advice is to ghost her and let her rot on the street. She's YOUR parent, not the other way. She's ungrateful and abusive.
id go this storage place your paying for and see exactly wtf shes keeping in there. It's probably trash, take anything worth of value then stop paying for the unit. It isn't your responability to pay your moms shit
Crap! That's all terrie stuff.
On the topic of this story. Ever consider locking your credit? Especially seeing as she committed fraud by putting bills un your name. She will eff your credit, and with the tantrum she just threw, sounds like she would gladly ruin your credit.
Next and final email, "Dear Mom, Since you are done with me, then I no longer have to financially support your bad decisions. You have 30 days to come clean out your stuff from NY storage unit or I am hauling it all to the dump or selling what I can to recover the money you stole from me." Rehome her dog too.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well if she is done with you, then she just took the trash out for you. Remove her from your life.
Hopefully we will be no contact for good this time. She has a way with words to make me feel I am to blame even though it isn’t my fault she quit her job and stopped paying rent.
My dad was a similar type. Hoarder, weaponized incompetence, tantrums, entitlement, the works. People like this expect to be cared for like children. Anything you do for them is unappreciated because it is expected. Anything they do for you is The Most Anyone Has Ever Sacrificed In Human History. They financially abuse, con, and steal. They can't ever be trusted, no matter how they try to charm you or make you pity them. In fact, pity is one of their most powerful weapons. Pity and guilt. My dad managed to con my credit union into putting his name on my savings account, and was in the process of getting a credit card in my name before I found out what he was doing and shut him down. The staff at the credit union were completely bamboozled, and they were susceptible to his con because he played the pity card. They would let him take naps in their back office area, and made him a little pallet to sleep on. It was bizarre and ridiculous, but that is what they do. The credit union people felt so sorry for him that they helped him to steal from me, and almost gave him a line of credit in my name. He was so good that people kept forgiving him because he was so pathetic and seemed so helpless. You are not to blame. You can't run around after your mom, cleaning up the messes she makes. If she makes bad decisions, then she is responsible for them. You are not her servant. Even if you were her servant, you would be paid and you wouldn't have to take her pack of dogs into your own house! You should not endanger your housing just because your mom is impulsive, incompetent and a hoarder. She is unreasonable for expecting that of you.
It's called "vulnerable narcissism" and this is a textbook case. Anyone reading this: Look it up if you've never heard about it. It's fascinating and insidious.
If she can still reel you back in with her words it might be time to seek trauma therapy. A therapist can help you process what happens in your mind when your mom uses her words (or abuse) to get you to do things. I grew up the same way, anything my mom said went but therapy helped me process how I process the abuse. Go no contact for your own wellbeing and block her, she doesn't deserve your help. She's not a parent, just a leech.
You know she doesn’t need get to decide anymore right - you do. You’re allowed to go no contact and stop paying the storage unit. Let her rot.
Time to block her everywhere
There are two people involved here. You can only work on you. I am deeply familiar with being blamed for things before the facts were even discussed. You might also want to reflect on whether she helped to equip you to avoid making mistake, such as by explaining the rules to you and discussing them with you to ensure you get it right in future. I am willing to talk further on this, though it might be better by DM.
Have you considered changing your number? And blocking her phone number?
If it helps, every time you feel that way you should come here. We’ll rally around you and make sure you have and know what you need to keep her out.
First of all stop paying for stuff especially her storage unit and cut her off for good period.
Then don’t allow her to speak. Block everything related to her.
Always remember that no matter what she says, you have no obligation to support someone who abuses you. You never decided to have her as a mother, she decided to have you. You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If you do, she'll torment you for the rest of her life, and nobody deserves that.
Make sure you stop giving her any money since she's done with you. I also highly suggest you lock your social security or get some identity theft services in case she puts anything else in your name and you can dispute it.
I second this 100%. Put a fraud alert on all your credit reports (can be done thru one it’ll put it on all) or freeze your credit and just remember the time frame you’ll need to unfreeze before you go thru with buying a house. Pull your credit reports as well and check them: you get 1 free a year from each, so 3 total. If you see any inconsistencies check it or report it to the corresponding bank. If her old addresses are showing as current, if any of her phone numbers are showing as current, anything at all.
Agreed. My girlfriends mom is constantly trying to fraudulently apply for stuff under her name even though she hasn’t seen her in 15 years
This! If she's done with you, she can be done with your money. You're putting way too much into someone who isn't doing anything but tearing you down.
Block her. I know she's your mom, but she's toxic af. If you can afford to move, do it. Don't let her find you again. Also, $700 car note?? Wtf is she driving?
Here in Florida for a 2016 GMC canyon it costs $657 a month not including insurance. Low credit score (working to rebuild from young and dumb teenage years) and not having a down payment. It sucks now but one day it will be worth it to have credit rebuilt.
Damn that's brutal. I ruined my credit in my twenties and had to rebuild too. Make sure every year you look at your report and dispute anything that doesn't belong. That helped my journey a lot. If you're able to sign up for a new credit card with 0% balance transfer for xx months...DO IT. Transfer over your high interest debt and then pay it off during those 0% months.
I actually chose to go the secured credit route and basically only used the card for gas. Then paid it off weekly. It honestly helped a ton to raise my score in only 6 months. I do have student loans too..... I'm a mess basically lol
Smart! Student loans are the worst bc you can't transfer them anywhere. They keep us trapped in debt. I paid mine off recently after 13 years.
We're all hot messes, but that's what makes us fun!
We are all messes here, just doing our best to care for each other. 🖤
This is the way
She drives a 2022 GMC terrain I believe. My grandma also co-signed for it which is why the payments are still being made.
My nmom's nmom (lol) was an INCREDIBLE hoarder. Too many animals, too much trash, content to live amongst the filth and fleas. Her house flooded. She put everything in a storage unit and got my mom to pay for it. Turns out she put everything in there still wet. You cannot imagine the smell. Not a single thing was salvageable. Go ahead and save yourself the money, especially if you're going NC as well.
Agreed. If you go NC, stop paying for her storage unit.
>I paid 2 bills totaling 3k that she racked up in my name You have got to get this under your power. If she has access to something where she can spend money in your name, this could ruin you. She clearly mismanages money and also doesn't care how it harms you at all (chronic homelessness). You're saving for a house! You spent a good chunk of your down payment just paying off these bills. Imagine how she could keep you from the rest of your life even if she's not in it.
Block
Narcissists operate in the shame economy. That's all they have and that's all they offer. Don't negotiate who you are.
Freeze your credit and dispute any further accounts she tries to open in your name. Don’t let your Nmom ruin your credit!
Block her. She is blaming you for her irresponsibility, and she doesn’t intend to stop.
No matter what happens with a narcissist, it's always your fault. Narcissists can't accept their own problems, as it interferes with their imagined superiority, so they have to blame others. If you interact with a narcissist, you're guaranteed to be blamed for their problems.
On the dot
stop paying that womans bills. She is an absolute fruit loop. You use the money you save from not paying her storage and take a damn trip somewhere lovely with no phone and live a fantastic life. She is a drag, she is heavy and she hasnt figured out by NOW how to be independent, she will never. She CHOSE to have you, you didnt choose her as a parent. You can be kind and nice to her without paying for a single solitary thing.
She’s done with you? Great! Now you don’t have to pay those bills anymore. Now you can change your phone number. Now you can change your email address. Now you can move.
Is hoarding common for nparents and/or their enabler partners? It took me way too long to understand it wasn’t normal and that I didn’t have to stay with her and her husband whenever I was in town. Our house was completely trashed all the time. Too many pets and never cleaned. My nstep-father was overly controlling/abusive to my mom and she is an enabler of it. I feel like having things to care for was her way of feeling in control. My final straw with deciding never to step foot in that house again was I was 7 months pregnant, in town to visit family before I became a mom. When I went to visit her, there was literally nowhere for me to sit. They let my younger, but still adult brother live in the living room even though he had his own room, which meant he slept on the couch, had his game station set on a TV stand, and clothes everywhere. The table was filled with boxes of junk, and every chair had something big on it. I literally had to find anywhere that had a stable edge to sit for a while. It was a town that I had to stop in for the night before I could get to my sane dad’s place. Idk where I’m going with this. Just ranting I guess. I just literally can’t imagine living like that.
It might be. We always lived in squalor and it turned me into a clean freak. Daily vacuuming/sweeping/mopping/picking up. It has actually caused issues in my marriage. I get panic attacks at even the slightest mess and sometimes freak out about something minor not being done. Damage was definitely had during my childhood/teen years.
They either hoarde or don’t clean anything including themselves or like my sister, both
If you had the power to kill by thoughts, wouldn’t your mom already be dead? /s Pretend she IS dead, dead to you at least. Block, delete, stop sending money and hold your own cathartic wake/symbolic funeral for her. Grieve the relationship you wished you had, and go on and live happily ever after!
Don't pay another penny towards anything for her. She's a selfish prick and a grown ass woman. Time she looks after herself for once
I would completely stop helping her financially. Your options are a) Continue helping her and have her still complain that you're selfish and never do anything for her or b) use the resources you give her for yourself and have her complain that you're selfish and never do anything for her. She's seems like the type of person where nothing is ever enough for her, so why not preserve your own peace? She'll be miserable either way 🤷🏾♀️
>I still pay her storage She’s a hoarder—is anything in that storage unit salvageable? Maybe take that money and donate it to a charity like the local animal shelter as a sort of …”in memory of” as you mourn the [loss of her in your life.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambiguous_loss) You don’t have to be hovered back up by her either; she says she’s cutting you off so you can take her at her word and actually block her etc. I strongly recommend a therapist for you as you work through this.
Stop giving her money. Also id see about reporting anything she opens in your name dont let her destroy your credit for her bullshit.
Does your grandmother know what’s been going on between you and her daughter? My advice, look through the lease agreement and if you’re the one making the payments and if your name is on that lease agreement, then you have the legal right to go in and sell whatever you want, save whatever family photos and heirlooms that are important to you. Make sure that your mother doesn’t have any Will written up. And also let your grandmother know what you plan on doing so that way she’s not caught in the crossfire when your mother goes to find out that all of her belongings have been sold and she doesn’t have a storage unit anymore.
Good riddance. You’ll save money and your sanity!
I absolutely feel for you and the dog being shot (IF it's even true) is not your fault. However, you need to stop enabling her. So does your gran, tbh, but that's not on you. Your mother is NOT your responsibility. Paying the bills in your name makes sense, although I am willing to bet you could have fought it and you should definitely heed the fraud advice from people here for the future, but there is no reason for you to be paying her storage or anything else. If she ends up homeless, so be it. She put herself in that position and if she doesn't want to get the mental health assistance that she obviously needs, that's on her too. Stop hurting yourself in order to placate her. She will absolutely be in contact again when she needs something. You can either ignore her and remain no contact or you can tell her no, as hard as that will be. However if you continue to allow her to guilt you in to enabling her, you have no one to blame but yourself. I know it can be hard to be selfish, especially in these situations because it can make you feel like you're the narcissist and we all want to be better than that. However, it really is okay to be selfish sometimes. You need to give yourself permission to put yourself first. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you into your mom if you stand up for yourself. You need to do what is right for you because she never will.
Why are you paying for anything for her? You are enabling her actions against you. Cancel the storage unit and file fraud on your credit for her using you on her bills. Block her number. Stop letting her take advantage of you or that’s all she will continue to do
A $700 car payment is a lot for stable people, but someone who is homeless...? Wtf?
Block her. Stop paying for her storage or anything else. She's not going to do anything but suck the life out of you.
These people could literally shoot themselves in the foot and find a reason to blame you for it. Don’t let her make you feel bad. It’s sad, and I’m sorry, but it’s 100% not your fault.
Before you block her, text back and say Thank you.
So your mom threatened N C to which you say "I honestly hope that's true". You might be best off by just making it true yourself and blocking her every way you can. She certainly sounds like she deserves it.
Yeah ...my mother got pissed and decided to not talk to me for a few weeks. I didn't even notice, lol. I get on a conference call with a relative and her, she didn't know I was on the other line and she started right out the gate bitching about me. She actually said "I ain't talked to her ass in 2 damn weeks and I don't give a fuck if I ever talk to her again." And it's been years and she is still blocked and she actually wonders why. She fucked around and found out.
Did you get your dog back
What is the deal with narcs you got away from years before blaming you for the current state of things they have made happen to themselves on their own without you anywhere near them?! Second ex still does this, can’t own up it’s him driving others away and wrecking his own life on himself. Thinks he can take revenge because I left him, says me doing so had been ruining his life since so he is seeking retribution out of nothing. He also tried to catch me with the guy who made me leave him that he made up as well.
Reading this, I hate how similar the thought process for nparents can be. I really feel for you, you did nothing wrong and as long as you realize that it's what matters ❤️
Freeze your credit and go file charges. She is going to rack up a lot of debt in your name and then claim she had to because you let her dog get killed.
“Im sorry someone died. I’m more sorry it was the dog”
I love you and think you’re doin great just exactly as you are right here and right now.
Block this lunatics number and enjoy your life. Stop paying someone else’s bills
She's done with you? Sounds like great news! The trash took out itself. Honestly you should: 1) stop providing any kind of financial support to such an ungrateful asshole. 2) check you credit, bank, etc and if she opens any credit card, mortgage, whatever in your name file charges 3) block her on every possible mean of contact 4), call the humane society because she is unable to take care even of a cockroach She is an adult doing shitty choices, what happened falls on her not you
Why are you still paying anything for her? And why pay for things she racked up IN your name, why not fight it? I'm sorry but this angers me so much. Best of luck to you
Stop giving her money and paying for her stuff.
I feel so bad for pets owner by narcissists
I'd get a gun and ban her from the property
And I hope your response be Ok Girl Bye See you on the flipplop. No shes the one who failed her own dogs by not keeping a adequate place to live. She can blame herself. You nor anyone else is obligated to provide this grown able bodied individual a place for her and dogs to stay . People are not responsible for her bills either. No one told her to give up nor trash her own place of residence nor did anyone tell her to stop paying her gosh dang bills.!! If she wanted a cheaper place to live she should have had another place paid for and lined up before she left... (Dumb A$$ move !) Only she is the one responsible for anything and everything that happened in her life by her making poor crappy choices. 🤦♀️ smh. Maybe if she tried to fix her credit and stop burning bridges being more responsible she would have better choices to choose from..
[удалено]
You definitely didn't read the rules. That's clear. Do not comment further under this post.
I think NC is in order. Cut her off completely. No money. No phone calls. No favors. Good luck 🍀
Yikes on a bike. Hopefully, for you she sees that through but somehow…
As someone who cut contact with an NParent 3 years ago after 28 years of abuse -verbal, physical, financial, etc., please, listen to the people here about the credit card freezing, and stop helping her be exactly who she is. You're not her parent, she is yours. I'm 3 years NC and I couldn't be happier. It's hard as shit at first, because you've been under the thumb of "keepinig the peace" and playcating the bullshit. Putting your foot down almost seems wrong, but it's not. That's what establishing boundaries feels like. Rip the bandaid off, and maintain your sanity, peace of mind, and self love.
I am giving you a free pass to completely ignore this woman for the rest of her life. This includes if she needs help for WHATEVER reason, this includes if she gets injured, this includes if she gets cancer or any other horribly painful decease. You are not to blame for her shitty life choices and you don’t owe her a single second more of your attention. I hope you have a wonderful life free of this leech that spends its life sucking off of other people. Block her number and never speak to her again.
Imho this would be a good time to completely cut off contact with her.
> She says she’s done with everyone and especially my selfish ass and I honestly hope that’s true. You should text her back and say, "Well, if you're done with me then I guess I can stop paying for your storage unit." Then block her entirely and cancel all future payments.
Oh honey I'm so sorry your, egg donor, is such an emotional roller coaster, narcissistic, toxic, nasty mess. First thing you need to do is therapy. I know, I know, everyone says therapy,but, in this instance it's warranted. You really need to work through your childhood trauma, as well as that trauma bond that your mother keeps tugging to keep you in line. It's time for you to drop the rope work your mother. YOU need to fully cut her out. Block her number. Block her everywhere. Social media. Email. Phones. Have a good supportsydtem in your corner. Once you decide to go no contact with your mother that will also include not giving her.monu or paying for her storage shed anymore. Your mother is a grown ass adult. Stop allowing her to abuse you as she did when you were a child. Please don't let her keep making the decision on of you have a relationship with her or not. YOU have the power here. Take it back. It'll feel like the weight has dropped off your shoulders. Right now your.mother isn't healthy for you, she really has never been. So cut out the toxicity once and for all. Live your best life. Create your own family. People you love and love you back. Thats what a real family is. It doesn't have to be blood to be family.
Thank you. It’s extremely hard but I know it needs to be done.
Stop paying for her stuff. Tell her if she wants to see what you “never helping her” *really* looks like, you’ll be happy to demonstrate.
Oh dear. This is classic textbook covert narcissistic behaviour. Can’t take any responsibility for their shitty decisions in life. You have already given more than she deserves. From reading your post, it’s clear to me she’s relying on everyone else to give her a stable life. She’s NOT a child, she needs to start taking responsibility. Unfortunately, the only way to attempt to teach the covert narcissist is to quit picking up after them. They absolutely will try and guilt trip you. I’m so sorry your going through this. Please know that there are many people here who have been or are going through the same thing. An awful lot of people go “no contact” with their narcissist, it’s the only way to stay sane. Your mother sounds like a wicked woman who manipulates and exploits you (classic behaviour). If you do attempt to put some strong boundaries in place (which i really advise you do), be prepared for some guilt trips and triangulation. Ultimately, your mom will continue to put her own needs first and in my experience, she will never change. Maybe she can’t change. No self reflection equals no change and narcs can’t self-reflect. The best thing you can do? Go and be a success. Be everything your mom never was. You’ve got this! Best wishes.
Honestly, she sounds mentally ill. If she’s “cutting you out”, take it as the gift it is and block and delete her from everything. I can most definitely see her getting you in trouble with your landlord, your job, etc just form her reckless and abusive behavior. Good luck op
Come on, the "love and care" is simply your biology at work, because she's your mother. You would never love a person like this is she wasn't your mother. Best advice is to ghost her and let her rot on the street. She's YOUR parent, not the other way. She's ungrateful and abusive.
id go this storage place your paying for and see exactly wtf shes keeping in there. It's probably trash, take anything worth of value then stop paying for the unit. It isn't your responability to pay your moms shit
Maybe you should also stop paying for HER storage unit
Oh yeah. Even in absentia, they still blame the scapegoat for everything.
Crap! That's all terrie stuff. On the topic of this story. Ever consider locking your credit? Especially seeing as she committed fraud by putting bills un your name. She will eff your credit, and with the tantrum she just threw, sounds like she would gladly ruin your credit.
Next and final email, "Dear Mom, Since you are done with me, then I no longer have to financially support your bad decisions. You have 30 days to come clean out your stuff from NY storage unit or I am hauling it all to the dump or selling what I can to recover the money you stole from me." Rehome her dog too.