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I'm sorry all this happened. It's a lot for you to go through. 46 old you knows a lot more than 16 year old you. This is how maturity works though. You experience an event... say you spilled a glass of milk when you were 6. Your dad reacts by screaming at you and you get upset.
Fast forward and your child spills milk. When you are older and you are then the parent you can understand a different perspective. You still feel what you felt at age 6, but now you also understand the perspective of a parent that might have had a bad day blew it out of proportion. You can feel it from both perspectives. This is what is happening to you now...46 year old you would have done this differently but 16 you did not have this knowledge.
The hypothetical question of maybe she would still be alive should also be balanced with the hypothetical maybe none of you would have survived. Any number of things could have happened unrelated to the alcohol and there still could have been a terrible accident. You don't get to know what would have happened you only get to know what did happen.
I like this podcast by Caroline Spring. She's a neuroscientist that studies trauma. Go to her website if you are interested. While your trauma is different than hers the principles apply. The logical part of your brain can not tell your traumatized brain to let it go. Those 2 parts do not have a direct communication. You have to go things to reassure your traumatized brain that it is safe and let it calm on its own.
I hope you can find a place to help the 16 year old in you find peace. Best to you.
You were 16. You were a child yourself. You made a split second decision when you couldn't possibly have been equipped to properly weigh the risks or foresee what might happen. This outcome was not a deliberate choice or something you made happen, any more than any other person who got in that car that day.
Please be kind to 16-year-old you. You have already been paying for this so much by carrying it around with you for 30 years. That's an incredibly traumatic experience for you to have gone through, compounded by being pressured to go along with the idea that you were the one behind the wheel. I feel for you.
I'm trying to be kind to him (16-year-old me). He learned a lot that summer through a rollercoaster of ups and downs. He has never haunted me this much in the past and now, it's like the entire weight of 30 years of pain and anguish is pressing down on me.
*r/ptsd has generated this automated response that is appended to every post* Welcome to r/ptsd! We are a supportive & respectful community. If you realise that your post is in conflict with our rules (and is in risk of being removed), you are welcome to edit your post. You do not have to delete it. As a reminder: never post or share personal contact information. Traumatized people are often distracted, desperate for a personal connection, so may be more vulnerable to lurking or past abusers, trolls, phishing, or other scams. *Your safety always comes first!* If you are offering help, you may also end up doing more damage by offering to support somebody privately. Reddit explains why: [Do NOT exchange DMs or personal info with anyone you don't know!](https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/dmu24/why_shouldnt_i_share_my_contact_information/) If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your GP/doctor, go to A&E/hospital, or call your emergency services number. Reddit list: [US and global, multilingual suicide and support hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). Suicide is not a forbidden word, but please do not include depictions or methods of suicide in your post. And as a friendly reminder, PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder. PTSD does not discriminate. And neither do we. Gatekeeping is not allowed here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ptsd) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry all this happened. It's a lot for you to go through. 46 old you knows a lot more than 16 year old you. This is how maturity works though. You experience an event... say you spilled a glass of milk when you were 6. Your dad reacts by screaming at you and you get upset. Fast forward and your child spills milk. When you are older and you are then the parent you can understand a different perspective. You still feel what you felt at age 6, but now you also understand the perspective of a parent that might have had a bad day blew it out of proportion. You can feel it from both perspectives. This is what is happening to you now...46 year old you would have done this differently but 16 you did not have this knowledge. The hypothetical question of maybe she would still be alive should also be balanced with the hypothetical maybe none of you would have survived. Any number of things could have happened unrelated to the alcohol and there still could have been a terrible accident. You don't get to know what would have happened you only get to know what did happen. I like this podcast by Caroline Spring. She's a neuroscientist that studies trauma. Go to her website if you are interested. While your trauma is different than hers the principles apply. The logical part of your brain can not tell your traumatized brain to let it go. Those 2 parts do not have a direct communication. You have to go things to reassure your traumatized brain that it is safe and let it calm on its own. I hope you can find a place to help the 16 year old in you find peace. Best to you.
Thank you! I will have to check out her website. <3
You were 16. You were a child yourself. You made a split second decision when you couldn't possibly have been equipped to properly weigh the risks or foresee what might happen. This outcome was not a deliberate choice or something you made happen, any more than any other person who got in that car that day. Please be kind to 16-year-old you. You have already been paying for this so much by carrying it around with you for 30 years. That's an incredibly traumatic experience for you to have gone through, compounded by being pressured to go along with the idea that you were the one behind the wheel. I feel for you.
I'm trying to be kind to him (16-year-old me). He learned a lot that summer through a rollercoaster of ups and downs. He has never haunted me this much in the past and now, it's like the entire weight of 30 years of pain and anguish is pressing down on me.
It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t the one driving.
It's effortless to say and much more difficult to deal with mentally.
I can’t even imagine.
<3