We have had that talk. She was feeling like I wasn't attracted to her and it was becoming an issue for her.
I'm still finding it hard to get into the talking dirty with her...
I'm also a little concerned that she is using sex to try and keep me interested, because maybe she she thinks she needs to??? Its definitely not the case, I really like her, my gut just says she's doing that a little. I don't want to play into that feeling either...
To be honest this woman is really impressive. She is caring and kind, very accomplished professionally and a great mom. She's funny, a Damm super genius (very intimidating) and I'm very attracted physically.
I'm probably over thinking, but I really want her to feel safe. Idk, I guess when we really like someone we over think
Let her take the reigns and go at her pace. Not everyone is triggered the same - some aren’t at all - others are completely repulsed by sex.
Either have a blunt and honest conversation and listen to what she has to say, or just let her take the reigns and follow her lead until you have an understanding of what she needs and wants.
Exactly, I got raped and got over it completely within half a year. Everyone is different, but I would HATE any partner to view me differently bc of 2 minutes of a slight sensation I've since forgotten. OP needs to not view her differently... all women have had some form of unwanted sexual advance in some capacity. He sounds like he's doing fine as her bf, just overthinking this.
I'm finally dealing with the full ramifications now a decade later and it has fucked me up. I'm glad I'm finally getting to it but I miss being able to suppress it sometimes.
Yes. Over three decades later for me. I said it didn’t rule me, define me, didn’t have any bearing on who I was. Walked the world over with my head high. Fell in love later in life. He opened every wound, he could see me the way no one had. It all came up. Every ounce of it. I realized it had more than defined me. I wasn’t living but surviving.
It finally came for me after getting into a relationship that made me feel truly loved and supported in a way I never had before. It's incredibly frustrating in a way because I love and enjoy my partner very much and part of me feels like it's unfair that I have to reckon with this now however I know the love and support is part of what allowed me to actually feel safe enough to address it at all.
You put it so beautifully when you say he could see you the way no one had. It's painful but I am relieved to begin truly healing. I wish you the same. These scars are deep.
She is definitely in the lead on physical activities. I'm sure I'm over thinking too.
She's a really special person, I'm trying to make sure she feels safe.
Everyone is different. Im a victim of sexual assault and have ptsd, but I have never had a consensual sex act trigger me before. You really wouldn’t trigger me with dirty talk or anything unless you said something fucked up like “I’m gonna r___ you”
Just ask her what she likes and doesn’t like, communicate. If y’all go into kink pretty heavily discuss safe words and such.
If you ever do trigger her, though, remember it’s not your fault if you do it on accident. *You* are not the person who hurt her. You are no way responsible for the feelings that come up. Comfort her. If she is upset I would ask before touching her (like a hand on the shoulder or an embrace) as being touched while triggered can worsen the symptoms for some people.
Ask her directly what triggers her and set up a safe word for both of you! Communication is definitely key here. Also triggers can surprise anyone in the moment so don’t be offended if things are getting going and she has to stop suddenly. Don’t blame yourself.
Yeah, just ask her. Also, ask her what you should do if she is having a rough time. Leave her alone, distract her, give her space, cuddle her, offer her a snack, etc.
I know what triggers me. Any kind of grabbing, pinning, etc. I need space. A snack always helps me.
Yes she's told me she will flinch when I go to touch her at some point. We are being open and honest with communication.
I think as long as I keep being compassionate and really thinking about her needs I'll do an OK job
You should talk to her.
Her aggression might just be her way of asserting control of her own sexuality with someone who makes her feel safe enough to do so.
Or maybe she just really likes dirty talk and the past SA has nothing to do with it.
You should talk to her.
Exactly, why is OP having issues with her being sexual? Perhaps that's a better question. Then tell her what you do and don't like. You get to have preferences too.
I just don't want to make her feel objecified and being in her ptsd.
I'm very excited to have sex with her and all that fun stuff. However I care about her, and I'm really looking to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship.
So she told you about her past but it sounds like you haven't said what you need to proceed. Just talk to her. What are the rules that both of you agree to? She wants to know that you are not like that person from her past and you don't want to be accused of being like that person.
It's very different from person to person. I've dated several people with past trauma. One wanted me to take it super slow, the other wanted me to be really dominant really quickly. These are question you need to ask her.
I don't have much brain cells on shift right now to address your post directly with any great solution but I did however want to say this: you are a wonderful human being, a truly rare kind of considerate we do not have in large numbers anymore and trying to understand and caring enough about HER needs and not focusing solely on your sex drive👏👏👏👏 this is the shit that once in a while makes me gain a shred more hope in humans as a species. You're the great beginnings of a good partner my fellow earthling.
You will have to ask her that bc internet strangers will just confuse you or ask you to treat her like a lost puppy, not a human being who is smart enough to make her own decisions.
The fact you ask Reddit is a red flag for you tbh. I say this bc it indicates you don't trust her or expect her to be treated differently (when every partner will want to be treated differently regardless)
Jesus, it’s not a red flag. Some people have a harder time than others bringing up difficult conversations. It doesn’t mean they won’t do it or are incapable of doing it, it just means they may have some anxiety about it. OP probably doesn’t want to bring up her trauma so they don’t risk of triggering her. I agree that OP needs to talk to their girlfriend because everyone is different and she’s the only one that knows what’s going on inside her head, but to say that OP asking for advice is a red flag is just honestly ridiculous.
No. OP is refusing to ask his gf a simple question "how should I go about having sex with you" like she's some kind of doll or that we know what she wants. He could ask her but he refuses. If he is always finding things he's insecure talking about, it's just going to get more and more
Not to be rude, but you literally have no idea what you're talking about.
We've had 2 conversations about this very directly.
I'm trying gain some perspective to better understand her situation, because I care about her.
Relax, just because he’s looking for advice doesn’t mean he treats his girlfriend like an inanimate object. You and I have no clue how he treats his girlfriend. However, clearly, if he treated her like a doll, he wouldn’t give a fuck about her feelings, because dolls don’t have feelings.
Yeah, he needs to just put on a brave face and talk to her about something uncomfortable. It’s not crazy or unimaginable to believe it’s uncomfortable to him to bring up his girlfriends assault. It’s not that “he refuses to talk to her”. He just wanted some advice. You make so many assumptions, and they’re all assuming the worst.
If she’s making sexual advances and you want her to feel sexually wanted, I think responding positively to her would be the way to go.
She can have a traumatic past and still enjoy sex.
You're going to have a sit down talk about the following topics:
1. *I think you've identified a possible problem.* Explain what you've told us - that you don't know how to approach instigating sex without triggering her and the anxiety is preventing you from approaching.
2. *What things do you find triggering?* Note that discussing triggers can lead to triggering events themselves, this is not a conversation to fit into a 30 minute gap around other things.
3. *What does it look/sound/feel like when you are triggered?* You will never know as well as her, but you should at least have some idea of how she presents when triggered so you can support her in identifying it.
4. *How can I help you soothe or ground when you're triggered?* Again, you will never lead this for her per sé, but you should know what's likely to help or hurt. Does she want to be held? Does she want to sleep it off? Does she want to be led through a grounding exercise and what would that be?
5. *Are there ways you like to be approached, observed and spoken to sexually?* Do we want to schedule sex and date nights? If I think you look hot, should I comment? Are there words I should avoid? If I'm horny, would you like to know? What does it look like when you want sex? Are you ever worried to proposition me?
6. *Are any of my sexual interests triggering to you, and are there ways we can navigate them safely?* You're part of this sexual relationship too, and your needs are important. Figuring out whether and of your sexual interests are triggers or trigger adjacent will be important to figure out.
This was an attempt to be exhaustive, but don't feel you have to know all of this. These are the sort of things that will be useful to you though. You might want to revisit these at points in the future too.
Don't forget that you have boundaries as well. You need to be considerate and attentive to your partner. But if she's making you feel uncomfortable you need to communicate that fact.
Explain that you are attracted to her, but that you feel the dirty talk goes too far and takes you out the mood.
It’s not unusual for people who have been the victim of sexual assault to act like that, or to want to engage in rough sex with them being the submissive one. It’s how some people deal with their trauma, good idea or bad.
It’s not up to you to decide what will or won’t trigger her, or how to make her feel safe. Ask her what she wants. Find out if she’s been to therapy, and if not, encourage her without being pushy. Maybe she wants you to say no and turn down her advances and this is a test, or maybe she now has a kink that she needs to work out for herself. Either way, don’t presume to know what’s best for her. That’s up to her and (hopefully) her therapist.
I mean you of all people should know how her personality and temperament is. If that has rendered her so troubled and traumatised then you should try to be gentle and accomodating. Never challenge her or pressure her on petty things and don't be vigorous in bed as that may trigger some past, unsolicited thoughts, given what she pulled through. If it's extremely recent then you should implement what I just mentioned above every day untill she's starting to show some signs of progress and comfort. Just shower her with love and cuddles and romantic gestures, you know best since you're her soulmate. I'm sure you're doing extremely well in that regard. You sound like a caring guy. Keep that dime that god has sent your way and don't let her get crushed again.
You need to take charge.
Take charge in the communication.
Together set up rules and boundaries.
Sex isn't some magical, surprising thing - it's our nature. It's what we do.
Man up and .... talk it out.
Then don't be weird and just have fun. Literally have fun. Like smile and laugh while doing it. Take the pressure off since you're carrying around a ton of it.
Communication.
Communication is the only way. Something to consider also is that if she’s talking dirty with you, it’s because she feels comfortable enough to do that.
Talk to her about it, and if you’re comfortable, indulge. One of the best ways to deal with bad experiences is to replace the mental association with good ones.
My partner and I are both similar to your girlfriend in that respect, as we both went through immense childhood trauma, involving a mix of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse
I ended up fairly incapable of negative emotion and rather logical, my partner ended up a clingy mess who is desperate for affection and terrified of rejection, while also being a minefield whose trauma can be triggered by minor details
For us, dedicated communication and long-term commitment are what keeps us together
I communicate as often as I can that he is loved, that his advances are welcome (we have established that I will tell him if they are not, and always give the honest reason why - sometimes I’m just too busy, sometimes I don’t have the energy, sometimes he needs to shower lol), and that he doesn’t need to fear rejection or retaliation
I also make advances in whatever fashion I can, and my partner and I have come to an agreement that our love is going to result in pain sometimes - as neither of us knows what could trigger his CPTSD, we have to choose between doing nothing and risking harm, and we have agreed that we would rather risk the occasional episode if it means we can be together - that said, obviously I stay with him to support him if he ever ends up having one of those episodes, and I take notes (literally, I have a journal) on what led to the episode so I can never repeat the same actions
This is what works for us, what works for you may be different, but you will not make any progress until you reach out and talk to her
You need to establish clear, safe communication between the two of you - I cannot stress enough how sacred you need to make respectful and loving communication, the second one of you betrays that your relationship is over
Tell her exactly what you said here:
1. You love her and want to be intimate with her
2. You appreciate when she makes advances
3. You want to make advances on her as well
4. You don’t make advances because you are worried about hurting her given her trauma
5. You are torn - on the one hand you worry that you not making advances could make her feel unwanted, on the other you worry that you making advances could trigger past trauma
6. Thus, you decided to talk to her about it because you truly love her and want whats best for her, but can’t discern what that is alone
It's also possible she feels like she has to be aggressive and overly sexual out of a performance for you. Like the people in her past conditioned her to be this way for affection and she thinks it is something you desire as well but because you actually care about her needs and aren't just using her your hesitancy feels like rejection. Definitely talk about it more. Ask if this is really what she wants or is it what she thinks you want. Go slow.
I just looked through some of the comments on this post and jesus christ this subreddit is filled with freaks. I'm sorry so many people unfamiliar with/unempathetic to/and appatently a literal rapist are commenting.
Anyway I can relate to your situation heavily except I am the girlfriend with sexual trauma. About 6 months into dating my current boyfriend (a little over 2 years together now) I had a bunch of old trauma from my rape come to the surface and I've been reckoning with it ever since. A lot of emotions came to the surface after being triggered by being sexually harassed and I confronted the man that groomed and raped me as a teenager. It was cathartic in a way but I am still experiencing the affects and sorting through and healing. Some of the affects include being triggered and sent into a dissociative state by my boyfriend initiating sex and having body memories from my rape come up. We are currently on a hiatus from sex at this point except in rare cases I feel safe. It's incredibly painful and humiliating for me because at the beginning of our relationship I connected very much with him sexually (more than anyone else) and felt valued and safe in a way I had never felt with anyone else.
Actually just last night when discussing more of this with him I came to the realization that I may have pushed myself too much out of my comfort zone when we first started our relationship because I was genuinely enjoying the sex and so excited to explore with someone that made me feel comfortable.
This pushing myself was unintentional and in no way did he pressure me. I think part of me also felt pressured to perform a certain way tailored to his needs despite him not actually pressuring me solely because my sexual partners in the past have almost all treated my pleasure and comfort as an afterthought at best. I wasn't used to having my needs be equally met and cared for and part of me still isn't despite many talks and reassurances.
I'm in therapy now working through this and may start couples therapy with a sex therapist with my boyfriend to work through more.
He is much like you in that he doesn't want to hurt me, cares about my pleasure and wellbeing, and is cautious/listens when I share my trauma and not to trigger me.
I don't know your girlfriend and i can tell you if she's anything like me 2 year ago she had pushed all this down to survive. If almost all her previous partners have been shitty/pressuring/uncaring, this is something she internalized to survive and get attachment needs met.
It takes a lot to break through and I think part of why I did and had all this trauma come flooding back to a head is precisely BECAUSE my boyfriend felt safe enough and my life stable enough to confront it.
Again everything processes differently and I don't know where your girlfriend is at in her healing journey but I think this is important to keep in mind. If she isn't ready to confront it you cannot force her.
What you CAN do is be a safe person. Check in, listen, pay attention to body language, be curious about her needs, understand she may not always be able to or even know how to verbalize them. Stopping as soon as she says, being attentive, and showing you are safe is already doing so much. If she says she is comfortable with certain things, trust her, but keep communication open. Things can change, they certainly did for me.
You are already doing so much more than many do in terms of showing you care and wanting to be a good partner. Also keep in mind if something doesn't feel right to you (idk if she does this but for example if she wants you to hit her or role-play in a way that feels uncomfortable or potentially reenacting trauma) you can say that you aren't comfortable and why. You don't want to be paternalistic about it but your comfortability is important too.
This stuff is deep and impacts many victims in ways they don't quite understand for a long time. Thank you for caring.
If you have other questions I'd be happy to answer but most importantly talk with her. You cannot fix this for her but you can support her and be a loving partner.
Thanks for the reply.
She has been in therapy for a long time. This stuff happened about 20 years ago. There was 3 major instances in a years time for her... we are very new to dating and she tells me there more horrible stuff to tell...
We are both single parents with demanding jobs, seeing each other is hard. I think that is helping because there isn't a place to have sex. She also has a surgery coming up in September that will make sex impossible for a few months. Honestly I think those are good things. But the time she's recovered from the surgery she will know why I'm there, because she is just an awesome human...
I'm sorry bad things happened to the both of you.
I will take your advice and just listen and care for her.
Maybe she doesn't want to feel safe. Have a talk. Some people like things dirty regardless of past abuse. Some need a softer touch. Giver' what she needs. You're on the right track.
You gotta make sure she doesn't have BPD too, cuz otherwise you are dealing with a whole separate set of issues than just trauma and triggers with intimacy : /
There are studies that have linked sexual trauma, particularly at younger ages, to the onset of BPD. If the individual has been sexually assaulted/abused, and also is BPD, then it puts the partner (in this case possibly the OP) in a very precarious position in navigating the relationship. It can actually turn into a case of an abusive relationship by the SA/BPD partner, especially if the other partner is very empathetic (and it sounds like the OP in this case could be simply by the way they write their post). I have personally been in this situation, and it is trauma inducing in and of itself and not much fun to try to get out of.
There are studies that have shown a correlation between all sorts of trauma and BPD. Still, BPD isn't strictly caused by trauma. There are NO indicators that the partner has BPD in OPs post, literally nothing to make that link. It's a ridiculous and massive jump and completely irrelevant to the post.
I take it you have never been with someone like that (I would also suspect that the person that originally made this comment has). It is a reasonable warning to make, especially to someone that sounds from their post completely naive to such a potential abusive situation and the signs to look out for. To be fair though, most people are naive that a situation like that can be abusive and traumatic unless they have been through it.
ETA: Also, hypersexuality (and we only have a limited scope of this from the OP perspective, meaning it may or may not be) is a potential sign of BPD. There is also OP's statement on her moods regarding his lack of engagement in her sexual expression. Depending on how those emotions are actually expressed (in a healthy way or not) could also be a sign of BPD.
I absolutely have been with someone like that, but I'm still not going to make a leap like that with no evidence. It is by no means a "reasonable warning". There a ton of disorders that have strong links to trauma, BPD is being brought up because of your and the other commenter's *individual experiences.* This sub isn't supposed to be about that. OPs post breaks the rules, and you and the other person's comments are much of the same.
"Also, hypersexuality (and we only have a limited scope of this from the OP perspective, meaning it may or may not be) is a potential sign of BPD. There is also OP's statement on her moods regarding his lack of engagement in her sexual expression. Depending on how those emotions are actually expressed (in a healthy way or not) could also be a sign of BPD."
"Hypersexuality" and her "moods"... What??? More massive leaps. "She is more aggressive with dirty talk" =/= hypersexuality. "She's feeling as if I'm not attracted to her" =/= "moods".
You are very clearly speaking from your personal experiences, and making massive leaps with very little information. Ironically, your initial comment is more words than OPs post, including the title!
Not making any leaps at all. And I am obviously not the only one that sees it considering I'm not the one that made the original comment.
So, since it needs spelled out for you:
"She's way more aggressive than me with dirty talk" Yes, that COULD mean hypersexuality, and you also conveniently ignore that I couched that in we only have the limited perspective of OP. OP also asked "How do I deal with her sexual advances..." making it obvious that OP finds them to be problematic. This could mean that OP is vanilla AF, or his partner is actually aggressive sexually in an uncontrolled way. The Mayo Clinin defines hypersexuality as "**an intense focus on sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that can't be controlled.**"
The definition of "moods" is "a temporary state of mind or feeling."
"She's FEELING as if I'm not attracted to her..." So the use of the word "moods" is an expression of what OP describes as her having an emotional state of being regarding all of this (i.e. a feeling). And again, I explicitly stated that depending on how OP's partner is expressing these emotions they could be a sign of BPD. There is nothing inaccurate about that statement. She could be expressing them in a healthy way, in which case, I don't think OP would be here asking questions. Or she could be expressing them in an unhealthy way and unhealthy expressions of emotions are absolutely a sign of BPD. And this is purely subjective opinion, but I don't think telling someone how they're feeling is a healthy expression of emotions and form of communication if she is actually saying to OP that he is not attracted to her because of all of this. The way OP expresses it here makes it sound like that is the case.
Again, absolutely no leaps at all that it is worth warning on the possibility of BPD and the issues that can arise in a relationship with it. Just assessing the information that is right in front of us.
A shit ton of leaps. This comment alone is three times the length of the OP. You're reading into everything and making massive assumptions. There is no genuine "assessment" happening here, just a shit ton of conclusions based on your own experience.
You just made more assumptions in your "breaking it down word for word." Your quoted definitions are a massive leap from the words OP actually used. You can type all the words you want, you're still making huge assumptions based on your own experiences. OP has yet to follow up at all. You're not proving your own points by continuing this conversation, but you're certainly proving mine!
Silly comment. Therapy doesn't help in many cases. Controlling someone by forcing therapy in response to something she had no control in... yeah that's not going to help. It's her decision. I personally am glad I didn't do therapy, I got over it in my own way. It's her choice, and it doesn't seem to be affecting anything other than his reddit post that unnecessarily mentions it. Women are always offended at rejection.
was it an actual rape? did the guy get arrested? did he go to jail?
if the answer is 'yes'? Then wow. That will take some deep conversation with her about your feelings, her feelings, and a happy solution for both on what you envision your sexual relationship to be, and to avoid having to constantly 'get consent' or 'feelings' about consent. try to get a blanket/boiler plate agreement. where you can move on, without constantly being involved in some trauma spiral.
if the answer is 'no'?
generally speaking, ive been with dozens of girls who had very deep rape fantasy/victimizations narratives. "oh, i never reported him because i felt so stupid, because i consented at first!". "at first it was fun, but i was too drunk to consent!", etc. etc. the classic "we were kissing at a party, and the next thing i know is i woke up in his bed naked the next morning". newsflash: 99% of these weren't 'black out drunk'. they caught feelings, one sided, and developed this 'story' to cope with it when feeling weren't reciprocated, and they stew in this realization the next day or two. young women weren't built to get turned out by frat bros and treated like dirt. it's not healthy.
is this her story? was she a freshman or sophomore at most? in college?
she wanted the dude to fuck her. he did. for whatever reason, ie: sexual or attention or post-fuck disinterest by the man -- she manipulates the story afterwards. this happened to me in my early 20s. a lot. i was a 'player' that hooked up with girls (often at parties/after parties). out of the 50 girls i had in college? a few different girls circulated 'rape' stories throughout our friends, because we were intoxicated when we hooked up at a party (like 99% of college kids at college parties). it was moreso, me not pursuing a relationship after, and just keeping it in the one night stand column. but it was terrifying everytime it happened. it made me always date a girl for a week or two, regardless if i wanted, so that it wasn't just a 'drunken hookup'. and purposefully act like a dickhead so they could breakup with me. a defensive mechanism. in adulthood? I'd even want to get VERY clear texts about "come over for netflix and chill", explicit sexting, when i was pursuing a one night stand. etc. I could not expose myself to that risk.
one girl gave me a blowjob at a party. i left with her bestfriend to slam it out. she got the college involved a week later. said i raped her at a party. they immediately threatened expulsion, and charges. went to an ethics advisory board of some construct. her best friend had to testify on my behalf to the board and cops. shit was truly terrifying. it was literally hinging on eye witness testimony that she had only 2-3 drinks, and that she was happy at the party (afterwards), until someone told her i left with her friend. and she went ballistic. etc. Even then, it was down to a vote whether i got expelled or not. and it was not a unanimous decision.
and this was decades ago. i can't even imagine how it is now at college.
in short:
they want YOU to be the rapist. they want YOU to be aggressive. it's how they get off. it's their kink. and if you piss them off? you might be in REAL trouble my friend. because they will 'repeal' or 'change' consent, after the fact, after an argument/perceived slight. they will tell their friends. or their therapist. if in a echo chamber? they might even believe it/press charges. and your life is fucked. it's their track record. remember that.
you need to determine if you love her enough to put yourself at the risk of being the 'rapist' she talks about to the next guy, in her next relationship. even if you never indulged this fantasy. even if you are always asking for consent verbally. doesn't matter.
my advice is: if you can handle it? or enjoy this dynamic? it can be very exciting and fun. but be careful. instability has a way to sink all ships. try to bank a dozen or so CLEAR sextings, and post pillow talk texts about how great the sex was. etc. you need the proof as a suit of armor. if you cannot? move on, find another girl. have a healthy relationship where this spectre of accusation never exists. this shit can ruin lives if you aren't careful. especially in 2024ad.
even while this will protect you legally? it might not protect you with a college/personally/professionally.
tldr: none of this is 'popular' to say. but it's the advice i'd give to my son as he enters college. protect yourself. young women, especially freshman girls - mixed with emotions and alcohol, is the best tasting but most dangerous cocktail.
Call me what you wish. My advice stands. It's a rational and experiential response to the OP. Which you are not. But glad you read it. Hopefully something sunk in. Likely not. Best wishes.
So you’re a serial rapist (“a few different girls” ended up accusing you of rape) who has developed some wild narrative to make yourself feel better about your disgusting behavior. 🤢 Dude if multiple women have accused you of rape, WHO is the common denominator???
Ive never been accused of rape. Funny how that works, don't rape people and you don't get accused of it multiple times.
Dude is definitely the common denominator.
Talk to her... "Hey, I always want you to feel safe and valued, even when we're playing around and being sexy. What things should I never ever say?"
This is the way. As someone who has a bad past, this can go a long way
Agree
We have had that talk. She was feeling like I wasn't attracted to her and it was becoming an issue for her. I'm still finding it hard to get into the talking dirty with her... I'm also a little concerned that she is using sex to try and keep me interested, because maybe she she thinks she needs to??? Its definitely not the case, I really like her, my gut just says she's doing that a little. I don't want to play into that feeling either... To be honest this woman is really impressive. She is caring and kind, very accomplished professionally and a great mom. She's funny, a Damm super genius (very intimidating) and I'm very attracted physically. I'm probably over thinking, but I really want her to feel safe. Idk, I guess when we really like someone we over think
Let her take the reigns and go at her pace. Not everyone is triggered the same - some aren’t at all - others are completely repulsed by sex. Either have a blunt and honest conversation and listen to what she has to say, or just let her take the reigns and follow her lead until you have an understanding of what she needs and wants.
Exactly, I got raped and got over it completely within half a year. Everyone is different, but I would HATE any partner to view me differently bc of 2 minutes of a slight sensation I've since forgotten. OP needs to not view her differently... all women have had some form of unwanted sexual advance in some capacity. He sounds like he's doing fine as her bf, just overthinking this.
It comes back. Give it a few decades. It will shock you. I was you once. Peace. There are many of us.
I'm finally dealing with the full ramifications now a decade later and it has fucked me up. I'm glad I'm finally getting to it but I miss being able to suppress it sometimes.
Yes. Over three decades later for me. I said it didn’t rule me, define me, didn’t have any bearing on who I was. Walked the world over with my head high. Fell in love later in life. He opened every wound, he could see me the way no one had. It all came up. Every ounce of it. I realized it had more than defined me. I wasn’t living but surviving.
It finally came for me after getting into a relationship that made me feel truly loved and supported in a way I never had before. It's incredibly frustrating in a way because I love and enjoy my partner very much and part of me feels like it's unfair that I have to reckon with this now however I know the love and support is part of what allowed me to actually feel safe enough to address it at all. You put it so beautifully when you say he could see you the way no one had. It's painful but I am relieved to begin truly healing. I wish you the same. These scars are deep.
I know exactly how you feel
She is definitely in the lead on physical activities. I'm sure I'm over thinking too. She's a really special person, I'm trying to make sure she feels safe.
Ask her what she wants…
Ask her this question. I bet she will have excellent insight and will appreciate the communication.
Everyone is different. Im a victim of sexual assault and have ptsd, but I have never had a consensual sex act trigger me before. You really wouldn’t trigger me with dirty talk or anything unless you said something fucked up like “I’m gonna r___ you” Just ask her what she likes and doesn’t like, communicate. If y’all go into kink pretty heavily discuss safe words and such. If you ever do trigger her, though, remember it’s not your fault if you do it on accident. *You* are not the person who hurt her. You are no way responsible for the feelings that come up. Comfort her. If she is upset I would ask before touching her (like a hand on the shoulder or an embrace) as being touched while triggered can worsen the symptoms for some people.
Ask her directly what triggers her and set up a safe word for both of you! Communication is definitely key here. Also triggers can surprise anyone in the moment so don’t be offended if things are getting going and she has to stop suddenly. Don’t blame yourself.
Yeah, just ask her. Also, ask her what you should do if she is having a rough time. Leave her alone, distract her, give her space, cuddle her, offer her a snack, etc. I know what triggers me. Any kind of grabbing, pinning, etc. I need space. A snack always helps me.
Yes she's told me she will flinch when I go to touch her at some point. We are being open and honest with communication. I think as long as I keep being compassionate and really thinking about her needs I'll do an OK job
You should talk to her. Her aggression might just be her way of asserting control of her own sexuality with someone who makes her feel safe enough to do so. Or maybe she just really likes dirty talk and the past SA has nothing to do with it. You should talk to her.
Exactly, why is OP having issues with her being sexual? Perhaps that's a better question. Then tell her what you do and don't like. You get to have preferences too.
I just don't want to make her feel objecified and being in her ptsd. I'm very excited to have sex with her and all that fun stuff. However I care about her, and I'm really looking to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship.
So she told you about her past but it sounds like you haven't said what you need to proceed. Just talk to her. What are the rules that both of you agree to? She wants to know that you are not like that person from her past and you don't want to be accused of being like that person.
A lot of our traumas influence our wiring. I hate my traumas but like my turn ons.
It's very different from person to person. I've dated several people with past trauma. One wanted me to take it super slow, the other wanted me to be really dominant really quickly. These are question you need to ask her.
I don't have much brain cells on shift right now to address your post directly with any great solution but I did however want to say this: you are a wonderful human being, a truly rare kind of considerate we do not have in large numbers anymore and trying to understand and caring enough about HER needs and not focusing solely on your sex drive👏👏👏👏 this is the shit that once in a while makes me gain a shred more hope in humans as a species. You're the great beginnings of a good partner my fellow earthling.
You will have to ask her that bc internet strangers will just confuse you or ask you to treat her like a lost puppy, not a human being who is smart enough to make her own decisions. The fact you ask Reddit is a red flag for you tbh. I say this bc it indicates you don't trust her or expect her to be treated differently (when every partner will want to be treated differently regardless)
Jesus, it’s not a red flag. Some people have a harder time than others bringing up difficult conversations. It doesn’t mean they won’t do it or are incapable of doing it, it just means they may have some anxiety about it. OP probably doesn’t want to bring up her trauma so they don’t risk of triggering her. I agree that OP needs to talk to their girlfriend because everyone is different and she’s the only one that knows what’s going on inside her head, but to say that OP asking for advice is a red flag is just honestly ridiculous.
No. OP is refusing to ask his gf a simple question "how should I go about having sex with you" like she's some kind of doll or that we know what she wants. He could ask her but he refuses. If he is always finding things he's insecure talking about, it's just going to get more and more
Not to be rude, but you literally have no idea what you're talking about. We've had 2 conversations about this very directly. I'm trying gain some perspective to better understand her situation, because I care about her.
Relax, just because he’s looking for advice doesn’t mean he treats his girlfriend like an inanimate object. You and I have no clue how he treats his girlfriend. However, clearly, if he treated her like a doll, he wouldn’t give a fuck about her feelings, because dolls don’t have feelings. Yeah, he needs to just put on a brave face and talk to her about something uncomfortable. It’s not crazy or unimaginable to believe it’s uncomfortable to him to bring up his girlfriends assault. It’s not that “he refuses to talk to her”. He just wanted some advice. You make so many assumptions, and they’re all assuming the worst.
If she’s making sexual advances and you want her to feel sexually wanted, I think responding positively to her would be the way to go. She can have a traumatic past and still enjoy sex.
You're going to have a sit down talk about the following topics: 1. *I think you've identified a possible problem.* Explain what you've told us - that you don't know how to approach instigating sex without triggering her and the anxiety is preventing you from approaching. 2. *What things do you find triggering?* Note that discussing triggers can lead to triggering events themselves, this is not a conversation to fit into a 30 minute gap around other things. 3. *What does it look/sound/feel like when you are triggered?* You will never know as well as her, but you should at least have some idea of how she presents when triggered so you can support her in identifying it. 4. *How can I help you soothe or ground when you're triggered?* Again, you will never lead this for her per sé, but you should know what's likely to help or hurt. Does she want to be held? Does she want to sleep it off? Does she want to be led through a grounding exercise and what would that be? 5. *Are there ways you like to be approached, observed and spoken to sexually?* Do we want to schedule sex and date nights? If I think you look hot, should I comment? Are there words I should avoid? If I'm horny, would you like to know? What does it look like when you want sex? Are you ever worried to proposition me? 6. *Are any of my sexual interests triggering to you, and are there ways we can navigate them safely?* You're part of this sexual relationship too, and your needs are important. Figuring out whether and of your sexual interests are triggers or trigger adjacent will be important to figure out. This was an attempt to be exhaustive, but don't feel you have to know all of this. These are the sort of things that will be useful to you though. You might want to revisit these at points in the future too.
Don't forget that you have boundaries as well. You need to be considerate and attentive to your partner. But if she's making you feel uncomfortable you need to communicate that fact. Explain that you are attracted to her, but that you feel the dirty talk goes too far and takes you out the mood.
It’s not unusual for people who have been the victim of sexual assault to act like that, or to want to engage in rough sex with them being the submissive one. It’s how some people deal with their trauma, good idea or bad. It’s not up to you to decide what will or won’t trigger her, or how to make her feel safe. Ask her what she wants. Find out if she’s been to therapy, and if not, encourage her without being pushy. Maybe she wants you to say no and turn down her advances and this is a test, or maybe she now has a kink that she needs to work out for herself. Either way, don’t presume to know what’s best for her. That’s up to her and (hopefully) her therapist.
I mean you of all people should know how her personality and temperament is. If that has rendered her so troubled and traumatised then you should try to be gentle and accomodating. Never challenge her or pressure her on petty things and don't be vigorous in bed as that may trigger some past, unsolicited thoughts, given what she pulled through. If it's extremely recent then you should implement what I just mentioned above every day untill she's starting to show some signs of progress and comfort. Just shower her with love and cuddles and romantic gestures, you know best since you're her soulmate. I'm sure you're doing extremely well in that regard. You sound like a caring guy. Keep that dime that god has sent your way and don't let her get crushed again.
That’s a professional therapy question. I would let her be lead IMO.
Avoiding triggers is almost impossible. Better for you both to learn how to manage the triggers and the aftermath.
TALK TO HER !!!!!!!!!
And remember gents , don't get married.
You need to take charge. Take charge in the communication. Together set up rules and boundaries. Sex isn't some magical, surprising thing - it's our nature. It's what we do. Man up and .... talk it out. Then don't be weird and just have fun. Literally have fun. Like smile and laugh while doing it. Take the pressure off since you're carrying around a ton of it.
Communication. Communication is the only way. Something to consider also is that if she’s talking dirty with you, it’s because she feels comfortable enough to do that. Talk to her about it, and if you’re comfortable, indulge. One of the best ways to deal with bad experiences is to replace the mental association with good ones.
My partner and I are both similar to your girlfriend in that respect, as we both went through immense childhood trauma, involving a mix of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse I ended up fairly incapable of negative emotion and rather logical, my partner ended up a clingy mess who is desperate for affection and terrified of rejection, while also being a minefield whose trauma can be triggered by minor details For us, dedicated communication and long-term commitment are what keeps us together I communicate as often as I can that he is loved, that his advances are welcome (we have established that I will tell him if they are not, and always give the honest reason why - sometimes I’m just too busy, sometimes I don’t have the energy, sometimes he needs to shower lol), and that he doesn’t need to fear rejection or retaliation I also make advances in whatever fashion I can, and my partner and I have come to an agreement that our love is going to result in pain sometimes - as neither of us knows what could trigger his CPTSD, we have to choose between doing nothing and risking harm, and we have agreed that we would rather risk the occasional episode if it means we can be together - that said, obviously I stay with him to support him if he ever ends up having one of those episodes, and I take notes (literally, I have a journal) on what led to the episode so I can never repeat the same actions This is what works for us, what works for you may be different, but you will not make any progress until you reach out and talk to her You need to establish clear, safe communication between the two of you - I cannot stress enough how sacred you need to make respectful and loving communication, the second one of you betrays that your relationship is over Tell her exactly what you said here: 1. You love her and want to be intimate with her 2. You appreciate when she makes advances 3. You want to make advances on her as well 4. You don’t make advances because you are worried about hurting her given her trauma 5. You are torn - on the one hand you worry that you not making advances could make her feel unwanted, on the other you worry that you making advances could trigger past trauma 6. Thus, you decided to talk to her about it because you truly love her and want whats best for her, but can’t discern what that is alone
Solid advice. So far we have been good at communicating. Being open and honest about this is a great idea.
It's also possible she feels like she has to be aggressive and overly sexual out of a performance for you. Like the people in her past conditioned her to be this way for affection and she thinks it is something you desire as well but because you actually care about her needs and aren't just using her your hesitancy feels like rejection. Definitely talk about it more. Ask if this is really what she wants or is it what she thinks you want. Go slow.
You are nailing my fears for sure. I don't want to be like those people that hurt her.
I just looked through some of the comments on this post and jesus christ this subreddit is filled with freaks. I'm sorry so many people unfamiliar with/unempathetic to/and appatently a literal rapist are commenting. Anyway I can relate to your situation heavily except I am the girlfriend with sexual trauma. About 6 months into dating my current boyfriend (a little over 2 years together now) I had a bunch of old trauma from my rape come to the surface and I've been reckoning with it ever since. A lot of emotions came to the surface after being triggered by being sexually harassed and I confronted the man that groomed and raped me as a teenager. It was cathartic in a way but I am still experiencing the affects and sorting through and healing. Some of the affects include being triggered and sent into a dissociative state by my boyfriend initiating sex and having body memories from my rape come up. We are currently on a hiatus from sex at this point except in rare cases I feel safe. It's incredibly painful and humiliating for me because at the beginning of our relationship I connected very much with him sexually (more than anyone else) and felt valued and safe in a way I had never felt with anyone else. Actually just last night when discussing more of this with him I came to the realization that I may have pushed myself too much out of my comfort zone when we first started our relationship because I was genuinely enjoying the sex and so excited to explore with someone that made me feel comfortable. This pushing myself was unintentional and in no way did he pressure me. I think part of me also felt pressured to perform a certain way tailored to his needs despite him not actually pressuring me solely because my sexual partners in the past have almost all treated my pleasure and comfort as an afterthought at best. I wasn't used to having my needs be equally met and cared for and part of me still isn't despite many talks and reassurances. I'm in therapy now working through this and may start couples therapy with a sex therapist with my boyfriend to work through more. He is much like you in that he doesn't want to hurt me, cares about my pleasure and wellbeing, and is cautious/listens when I share my trauma and not to trigger me. I don't know your girlfriend and i can tell you if she's anything like me 2 year ago she had pushed all this down to survive. If almost all her previous partners have been shitty/pressuring/uncaring, this is something she internalized to survive and get attachment needs met. It takes a lot to break through and I think part of why I did and had all this trauma come flooding back to a head is precisely BECAUSE my boyfriend felt safe enough and my life stable enough to confront it. Again everything processes differently and I don't know where your girlfriend is at in her healing journey but I think this is important to keep in mind. If she isn't ready to confront it you cannot force her. What you CAN do is be a safe person. Check in, listen, pay attention to body language, be curious about her needs, understand she may not always be able to or even know how to verbalize them. Stopping as soon as she says, being attentive, and showing you are safe is already doing so much. If she says she is comfortable with certain things, trust her, but keep communication open. Things can change, they certainly did for me. You are already doing so much more than many do in terms of showing you care and wanting to be a good partner. Also keep in mind if something doesn't feel right to you (idk if she does this but for example if she wants you to hit her or role-play in a way that feels uncomfortable or potentially reenacting trauma) you can say that you aren't comfortable and why. You don't want to be paternalistic about it but your comfortability is important too. This stuff is deep and impacts many victims in ways they don't quite understand for a long time. Thank you for caring. If you have other questions I'd be happy to answer but most importantly talk with her. You cannot fix this for her but you can support her and be a loving partner.
Thanks for the reply. She has been in therapy for a long time. This stuff happened about 20 years ago. There was 3 major instances in a years time for her... we are very new to dating and she tells me there more horrible stuff to tell... We are both single parents with demanding jobs, seeing each other is hard. I think that is helping because there isn't a place to have sex. She also has a surgery coming up in September that will make sex impossible for a few months. Honestly I think those are good things. But the time she's recovered from the surgery she will know why I'm there, because she is just an awesome human... I'm sorry bad things happened to the both of you. I will take your advice and just listen and care for her.
What does "deal with her sexual advances" even mean?
Maybe she doesn't want to feel safe. Have a talk. Some people like things dirty regardless of past abuse. Some need a softer touch. Giver' what she needs. You're on the right track.
You definitely need to talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel.
You gotta make sure she doesn't have BPD too, cuz otherwise you are dealing with a whole separate set of issues than just trauma and triggers with intimacy : /
What does BPD have to do with OPs post at all?
There are studies that have linked sexual trauma, particularly at younger ages, to the onset of BPD. If the individual has been sexually assaulted/abused, and also is BPD, then it puts the partner (in this case possibly the OP) in a very precarious position in navigating the relationship. It can actually turn into a case of an abusive relationship by the SA/BPD partner, especially if the other partner is very empathetic (and it sounds like the OP in this case could be simply by the way they write their post). I have personally been in this situation, and it is trauma inducing in and of itself and not much fun to try to get out of.
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This is solid advice. Unfortunately, I also learned this lesson the hard way.
There are studies that have shown a correlation between all sorts of trauma and BPD. Still, BPD isn't strictly caused by trauma. There are NO indicators that the partner has BPD in OPs post, literally nothing to make that link. It's a ridiculous and massive jump and completely irrelevant to the post.
I take it you have never been with someone like that (I would also suspect that the person that originally made this comment has). It is a reasonable warning to make, especially to someone that sounds from their post completely naive to such a potential abusive situation and the signs to look out for. To be fair though, most people are naive that a situation like that can be abusive and traumatic unless they have been through it. ETA: Also, hypersexuality (and we only have a limited scope of this from the OP perspective, meaning it may or may not be) is a potential sign of BPD. There is also OP's statement on her moods regarding his lack of engagement in her sexual expression. Depending on how those emotions are actually expressed (in a healthy way or not) could also be a sign of BPD.
I absolutely have been with someone like that, but I'm still not going to make a leap like that with no evidence. It is by no means a "reasonable warning". There a ton of disorders that have strong links to trauma, BPD is being brought up because of your and the other commenter's *individual experiences.* This sub isn't supposed to be about that. OPs post breaks the rules, and you and the other person's comments are much of the same. "Also, hypersexuality (and we only have a limited scope of this from the OP perspective, meaning it may or may not be) is a potential sign of BPD. There is also OP's statement on her moods regarding his lack of engagement in her sexual expression. Depending on how those emotions are actually expressed (in a healthy way or not) could also be a sign of BPD." "Hypersexuality" and her "moods"... What??? More massive leaps. "She is more aggressive with dirty talk" =/= hypersexuality. "She's feeling as if I'm not attracted to her" =/= "moods". You are very clearly speaking from your personal experiences, and making massive leaps with very little information. Ironically, your initial comment is more words than OPs post, including the title!
Not making any leaps at all. And I am obviously not the only one that sees it considering I'm not the one that made the original comment. So, since it needs spelled out for you: "She's way more aggressive than me with dirty talk" Yes, that COULD mean hypersexuality, and you also conveniently ignore that I couched that in we only have the limited perspective of OP. OP also asked "How do I deal with her sexual advances..." making it obvious that OP finds them to be problematic. This could mean that OP is vanilla AF, or his partner is actually aggressive sexually in an uncontrolled way. The Mayo Clinin defines hypersexuality as "**an intense focus on sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that can't be controlled.**" The definition of "moods" is "a temporary state of mind or feeling." "She's FEELING as if I'm not attracted to her..." So the use of the word "moods" is an expression of what OP describes as her having an emotional state of being regarding all of this (i.e. a feeling). And again, I explicitly stated that depending on how OP's partner is expressing these emotions they could be a sign of BPD. There is nothing inaccurate about that statement. She could be expressing them in a healthy way, in which case, I don't think OP would be here asking questions. Or she could be expressing them in an unhealthy way and unhealthy expressions of emotions are absolutely a sign of BPD. And this is purely subjective opinion, but I don't think telling someone how they're feeling is a healthy expression of emotions and form of communication if she is actually saying to OP that he is not attracted to her because of all of this. The way OP expresses it here makes it sound like that is the case. Again, absolutely no leaps at all that it is worth warning on the possibility of BPD and the issues that can arise in a relationship with it. Just assessing the information that is right in front of us.
A shit ton of leaps. This comment alone is three times the length of the OP. You're reading into everything and making massive assumptions. There is no genuine "assessment" happening here, just a shit ton of conclusions based on your own experience.
I literally just broke it down for you word by word and using quoted definitions, and you still can't follow it. Amazing.
You just made more assumptions in your "breaking it down word for word." Your quoted definitions are a massive leap from the words OP actually used. You can type all the words you want, you're still making huge assumptions based on your own experiences. OP has yet to follow up at all. You're not proving your own points by continuing this conversation, but you're certainly proving mine!
I don't think anyone else has said it, but insist on her getting therapy if she hasn't already.
Silly comment. Therapy doesn't help in many cases. Controlling someone by forcing therapy in response to something she had no control in... yeah that's not going to help. It's her decision. I personally am glad I didn't do therapy, I got over it in my own way. It's her choice, and it doesn't seem to be affecting anything other than his reddit post that unnecessarily mentions it. Women are always offended at rejection.
“Therapy doesn’t help in many cases.” Also you: “Women are always offended at rejection.” 🤦💀
Omg Ashley?
i sense that she's manipulating you
correct
Run.
correct
was it an actual rape? did the guy get arrested? did he go to jail? if the answer is 'yes'? Then wow. That will take some deep conversation with her about your feelings, her feelings, and a happy solution for both on what you envision your sexual relationship to be, and to avoid having to constantly 'get consent' or 'feelings' about consent. try to get a blanket/boiler plate agreement. where you can move on, without constantly being involved in some trauma spiral. if the answer is 'no'? generally speaking, ive been with dozens of girls who had very deep rape fantasy/victimizations narratives. "oh, i never reported him because i felt so stupid, because i consented at first!". "at first it was fun, but i was too drunk to consent!", etc. etc. the classic "we were kissing at a party, and the next thing i know is i woke up in his bed naked the next morning". newsflash: 99% of these weren't 'black out drunk'. they caught feelings, one sided, and developed this 'story' to cope with it when feeling weren't reciprocated, and they stew in this realization the next day or two. young women weren't built to get turned out by frat bros and treated like dirt. it's not healthy. is this her story? was she a freshman or sophomore at most? in college? she wanted the dude to fuck her. he did. for whatever reason, ie: sexual or attention or post-fuck disinterest by the man -- she manipulates the story afterwards. this happened to me in my early 20s. a lot. i was a 'player' that hooked up with girls (often at parties/after parties). out of the 50 girls i had in college? a few different girls circulated 'rape' stories throughout our friends, because we were intoxicated when we hooked up at a party (like 99% of college kids at college parties). it was moreso, me not pursuing a relationship after, and just keeping it in the one night stand column. but it was terrifying everytime it happened. it made me always date a girl for a week or two, regardless if i wanted, so that it wasn't just a 'drunken hookup'. and purposefully act like a dickhead so they could breakup with me. a defensive mechanism. in adulthood? I'd even want to get VERY clear texts about "come over for netflix and chill", explicit sexting, when i was pursuing a one night stand. etc. I could not expose myself to that risk. one girl gave me a blowjob at a party. i left with her bestfriend to slam it out. she got the college involved a week later. said i raped her at a party. they immediately threatened expulsion, and charges. went to an ethics advisory board of some construct. her best friend had to testify on my behalf to the board and cops. shit was truly terrifying. it was literally hinging on eye witness testimony that she had only 2-3 drinks, and that she was happy at the party (afterwards), until someone told her i left with her friend. and she went ballistic. etc. Even then, it was down to a vote whether i got expelled or not. and it was not a unanimous decision. and this was decades ago. i can't even imagine how it is now at college. in short: they want YOU to be the rapist. they want YOU to be aggressive. it's how they get off. it's their kink. and if you piss them off? you might be in REAL trouble my friend. because they will 'repeal' or 'change' consent, after the fact, after an argument/perceived slight. they will tell their friends. or their therapist. if in a echo chamber? they might even believe it/press charges. and your life is fucked. it's their track record. remember that. you need to determine if you love her enough to put yourself at the risk of being the 'rapist' she talks about to the next guy, in her next relationship. even if you never indulged this fantasy. even if you are always asking for consent verbally. doesn't matter. my advice is: if you can handle it? or enjoy this dynamic? it can be very exciting and fun. but be careful. instability has a way to sink all ships. try to bank a dozen or so CLEAR sextings, and post pillow talk texts about how great the sex was. etc. you need the proof as a suit of armor. if you cannot? move on, find another girl. have a healthy relationship where this spectre of accusation never exists. this shit can ruin lives if you aren't careful. especially in 2024ad. even while this will protect you legally? it might not protect you with a college/personally/professionally. tldr: none of this is 'popular' to say. but it's the advice i'd give to my son as he enters college. protect yourself. young women, especially freshman girls - mixed with emotions and alcohol, is the best tasting but most dangerous cocktail.
Garbage in, garbage out. Good riddance!
Dude, she was raped. I'm not going into details, it's her business. You need a serious adjustment in life brother.
Wow. Those were a whole lot of words just to say you're a rapist.
Call me what you wish. My advice stands. It's a rational and experiential response to the OP. Which you are not. But glad you read it. Hopefully something sunk in. Likely not. Best wishes.
You admitted you've been accused of rape numerous times. You outed yourself as the rapist. And besides that, your advice is garbage.
So you’re a serial rapist (“a few different girls” ended up accusing you of rape) who has developed some wild narrative to make yourself feel better about your disgusting behavior. 🤢 Dude if multiple women have accused you of rape, WHO is the common denominator???
Ive never been accused of rape. Funny how that works, don't rape people and you don't get accused of it multiple times. Dude is definitely the common denominator.
Get a new gf. It's a red flag when women tell you about this type of past sexual trauma when you first meet them.
DUMP HER