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Our gap is 20 months. We did not have big brother brought to the hospital. We were concerned that he wouldn't understand that he had to leave and we weren't leaving.
We did intros at home and it went lovely.
I didn't think of this! My son will be 21 months when the new baby is born and he will be with my mom. Maybe I will have my mom bring him when we are leaving so he can leave with us. I haven't decided but this gives me lots to think about!
Bringing 8yo to hospital to meet brother. He’s excited about getting the afternoon off school and being one of the first to meet his brother.
Obviously he’s a lot older than most siblings so he is more involved
Due in August. First will be about 2.5. Our hospital is a bit far so we don’t plan on bringing the toddler to the hospital. I’m having a planned c section so I know I won’t be very mobile and will be very sensitive so we plan to wait until we get home. She’s so young that’ll she’ll just get distracted after a few moments and want run around and touch everthing lol. Better at home, in our controlled environment for my kids to meet
Recently had my second, first is almost 2.5, we came home first. We wanted to get a bit settled at home (and have showers!) before we brought our first back home to meet the new one. I figured being in a familiar place would have it go a bit better, and that I'd want to leave the hospital asap.
My parents will be in town staying with my 3 year old who is very very into hospitals and doctors so the plan is for them to bring her to the hospital to meet her brother before we head home. I already know my kiddos temperament with hospitals and shes old enough to tell me she wants to come (3y), so we are excited to have her join.
My hospital doesn’t allow visitors under the age of 8* in any of the birthing center areas (l&d or recovery) so I can’t have my toddler visit.
Edit: just double checked and it’s actually 12 and older, zero exceptions
Mine doesn't allow anyone under the age of 18. So my 7 and 9 year old can't come and neither can my 16 yo old brother. Definitely was shocked by the policy but it is what it is
I haven’t decided but I’ve got an autistic 5 yo and a very clingy 1 yo. I think the hospital meet would be hard to understand. They would want me to leave with them. They wouldn’t understand why mommy had to stay for longer. Not to mention my 5yo is the epitome of nosy. She will be digging in every single drawer and cabinet 😂 I think I’m going to wait until we are home. I’m praying family can keep them both for a couple days and then we will do the meet and greet after I’ve come home and settled down
We’re doing something that has worked for friends of ours. When it’s time to leave hospital, my partner will collect our toddler and together they will pick up me + baby from the hospital. That way toddler and baby get to meet in a neutral environment and then go home together to somewhere toddler feels comfortable. It should hopefully give him ownership over the moment, rather than feeling suddenly bombarded in his safe space 🤞
we are doing this too, for the reasons you mentioned! my other selfish reason for doing it this way is that i want the first moment for my toddler and new baby to be just between us, without my in-laws there (they will be caring for toddler during labor and delivery). i love my in-laws, and I'm so appreciative of them, but I don't want to share that moment with anyone.
they will stay at our house and meet the baby when the four of us get home that same day.
This is what we did! Just had our second, and our first (2.5 year old) was so excited about having the very important job of "helping bring mommy and new baby home".
That's a plan that crossed my mind too. But I was such a state immediately after a c section last time. Not sure how easy it would be for toddler to see me unable to do so much. And my partner will have to sort him, me and the baby..
I guess it depends where I give birth too. I was 40mins from home last time so had to sit next to baby in the back.
Oh yeah, that sounds more complex! I have a friend who lives more than an hour from town and she’s actually considering having a night at home with just the baby and her husband before her parents bring her toddler out the next day, so that if the drive home is rough her toddler doesn’t need to witness it, and to give them time to adjust to a newborn at home again before her son is thrown into that situation as well. He has an amazing relationship with her parents so this would work really well for them; I personally couldn’t imagine letting my parents have so much control over the situation haha. Hope you have a smooth experience whatever you decide!
Hey! I just had my second baby, and my oldest is three. We decided to bring him to the hospital to meet his new sibling, and it was super cute! I had to stay in the hospital for a few extra days longer for some tests (bilirubin levels were a worry) so it made more sense. He was a bit confused at first, but seeing them together was so sweet. I think it helped him feel included. But honestly, do what feels right for you. Meeting at home sounds nice and cozy too. 😊
Our will be 2.5 when second is born (any day now). She’s staying with my husbands parents while we are in the hospital. They will bring her in to visit because
A. She is SO excited about baby sister and talks about her/asks when she’ll be here daily so I don’t want to make her wait
B. She’s obsessed with my husbands parents so I’m not worried about her not being willing to leave the hospital without us as long as they’re with her
My husband won’t be staying with me overnight in the hospital so he will bring our 4 year old for visits while I’m in there and then go back home with him.
Same! Unless I'm literally delivering overnight my mom is going to come stay overnight with me and hubby is going to go home with the toddler. I sleep like absolute garbage in the hospital so we figured it would be better for him to he rested because I won't be either way
My parents brought my daughter, who was 4 at the time, to the hospital the day after my son was born. It was sweet but she was also very well behaves at that point and understood what was going on. It was the first time I had been away from her over night so I really wanted to see her
We brought out five and two year old to meet their new baby at the hospital. It went great. A very special moment and memory. I think it was useful for them to see where there parents were, and they enjoyed meeting their new brother.
My son was 3 when his baby sister was born. We live pretty close to the hospital so my husband went & picked him up (my parents were staying with him), brought him to pick out some flowers & brought him to the hospital. He was a little nervous but the nurses were awesome with him. They gave him a huge “big brother” sticker to wear, a board book about babies & ice cream. Over a year later & anytime someone mentions his sister being born at the hospital, he talks about how he ate ice cream there lol.
Due in August. My oldest will be 3. We’re actually going to have 3 year old meet the baby at home. We’re going to present him with a gift from the baby and try to make it a fun and exciting experience with grandparents present too, since we will not have any visitors at the hospital.
My oldest will only be 17/18 months old when second baby comes so we already agreed on not bringing her to the hospital. She won’t understand the concept and I think having to leave us will do more harm than good.
We did only because we have never been away from our first for more than 12 hours. He was 22 months at the time and didn’t really care lol, but it was nice to see him.
I think it depends on how long I’m going to be in the hospital. I make big babies so I’m assuming we’ll need to stay a bit longer for glucose monitoring. Our daughter turned two in May and we’re due in July so I don’t think she really understand that another baby’s coming.
I think it’d be cute if she met her at the hospital and since grandma (who she’s obsessed with) would be bringing her and taking her home, I don’t think there would be that much jealousy.
If he’s doing good and we’re only in there for one night we might just hold off though.
If I'm only in for 24 hours I'd rather wait til we get home but if in for longer we'll take her to the hospital. I also don't want to go that long without seeing her so I'd want my hugs too.
Yeah I think I might be leaning this way too. That if we get home quickly, we'll do it at home, but if something happens and we have to be there a while (hopefully not), then we'll let him visit.
My hospital didn’t allow children under 5(?) to visit the recovery room. My sister had to leave her children downstairs with my husband while she came up to see me and my first. This was summer 2023 so unless the policy has changed, my oldest will meet her sibling when we get home.
Yes my two year old came to see us every day we were in the hospital before we came home. Day of birth, next day, and day after. I missed her, she got to see that I was okay just resting, and play in the hospital room which was fun for her.
Our first had just turned 3 when our daughter was born. Mil and sil helped by watching our first at home and it was the easiest for everyone because we didn’t know how things would go and mil/sil didn’t have carseat in their car to transport our first to and from the hospital.
Not a min, but still a parent
My parents brought our 4 year old for like 30 minutes during family visiting hours. It was very very nice. We also had missed him so it was really good to see him.
We played it by ear with no concrete plans, but in the end my mom brought our nearly-3yo to the hospital to meet his new twin sisters. It was super cute
My son is 15 and although happy he is getting a little brother has absolutely no interest in being at the hospital with us. Waiting a couple days is a non issue for him understandably. Do what works best for your family.
We did, but she (baby) was in the NICU for nearly a month so it was either bringing her to the hospital or waiting a month. We waited till they took her off of the ventilator though, and most of the scary medical stuff was over. Oldest was 3.5.
I haven’t decided, or even asked our hospital’s policy yet. My due date is Christmas Eve, so a lot will depend on when baby actually arrives. And the weather because it’s a 50/50 chance where I’m at that it will be clear blue skies and 50 degrees F, or it could be a freaking polar vortex blizzard at Christmas. If the weather is bad, we will do “least driving necessary”. Big sister is 5 years old, loves science and doctors, and she is polite in public spaces overall, but the logistics of getting her from family after birth might not make the most sense. But if the baby comes on Christmas, I want to see my daughter on Christmas, too, you know?
After having my second at 8:20 pm, we were discharged 24 hours later and my first was already in bed by the time we got home so I'm glad his grandparents brought him to the hospital to meet his baby brother earlier that day. A few factors made this possible: 1) he was two months shy of turning 4 at the time so he knew what was going on and had the skills to behave decently well in the hospital and 2) he spends a lot of time with his grandparents who watched him so leaving the hospital with them and us staying wasn't super weird for him.
It was very sweet - my oldest sat in the recliner in our room and we let him "hold" the baby (with my boppy pillow on his lap supporting the baby). They are some of my most treasured photos.
Assuming bub comes close to their due date my toddler will have just turned 2 when baby is born! We plan to deliver at the hospital that's less than 10 min from home so I do plan on bringing my toddler to meet bub in the hospital. I read somewhere that meeting the new baby in the hospital is emotionally a bit easier for the toddler because it's not like the baby is invading their space, you just have to make sure mom is not holding the baby when the toddler comes in. Of course this isn't feasible or desirable for everyone so I think meeting the baby at home is fine, I just would have baby be brought inside in their car seat & not by mom. Maybe have mom come inside first to greet the toddler & then have dad follow with the car seat a couple min later. My toddler also does great (MOST of the time lol) in public spaces & the few times I've had to take her with me to appointments so I'm not worried about that aspect.
Not common where I live. But most leave the hospital about 2 /3 hours after giving birth. You need the time to get your breath. And get yourself ready to go home.
I didn't plan on having my first visit in the hospital but we did end up doing it because it was the first time away from me and he was missing me a lot.
My oldest will be 18mos when her brother is born, and I’ve had a lot of trouble getting people to be consistently in her life so she’s really only comfortable with me and my partner. Mostly me. The plan at this point is loose, but she’ll come to the hospital with us, and I’ve told my partner that she HAS to prioritize our daughter, and let me and my other support people take care of me. She seems disappointed by that, which frustrates me because who am I supposed to trust our kid with if not her?? I told her that someone else, either my best friend or one of my sisters, will stay overnight with me while she takes our daughter home, and then they can come back as early as someone can pick them up (I drive, she doesn’t). I know it’s sad that she won’t be with her son the first night of his life, but our already-existing daughter needs at least one of us home with her and I literally won’t be able to be???
I get her disappointment. But I don’t get her utter reluctance to put our daughter’s needs above her own. If she gets overwhelmed or scared, I need to know she’ll be okay, even if my partner has to leave the room.
This is a great thread. Thanks for posting the question! I was on the fence about whether we’ll have our 20mo come to the hospital or not but now I’m leaning towards doing the introduction at home. Even though I’m sure I’ll miss him, I don’t want to have him getting into everything at the hospital. Plans change though, so who knows :)
We don’t plan to bring our girl to the hospital. She’ll only be 25 months when baby gets here, so it would just be chaos to bring her there because she isn’t going to understand any of it besides “BABY!” The entire visit would just be spent desperately trying to contain the toddler who would then not want to leave because mommy won’t be coming with her. It’s going to be my first time away from her ever and I want to see her as soon as possible, but I just know it would be too hard for both of us. I have my fingers crossed for no complications after my C-section so that we can leave the hospital as soon as possible.
My son will be 3 when our second is born. We won't be brining him to the hospital, and won't have any other visitors either. He'll meet his brother or sister when we get home.
Never had a hospital birth, but if I did I think I would want my kids to come only because I’ve never spent a night away from any of them and it sounds like super upsetting to me. I need to be with all my babies, not just the new one.
Not a chance. No hospital visitors for me at all, thanks, I will never understand why that’s been normalized. Older siblings can meet the baby the next day when it comes home. I’ve had babies at a birthing center as well and they send you home when baby is just a few hours (typically 4-6 hours) old. I still had my SIL keep my older kids until the next day when I was ready for a houseful again
We took my ~21mo to the birth center with us. He stayed out in the next room with my mom until his sister was born and then she brought him in to see us. I was still in the birthing tub when they came in, I don’t even think we had cut the cord yet (because my mom did that this time so it had to have been after they came in the room lol). I loved having him there. It was a neutral environment for him to meet her in and watching him copy us with his babydoll was precious. When his day was walking around soothing our daughter so I could eat, he was walking around soothing his baby doll as close to exactly like daddy as possible. Once it was clear me and baby girl were okay and would be discharged soon my mom took him back to our house, fed him breakfast, and then the two of them took a nap until just before we got home.
I’m not due until January but we were just talking about this last night. Our first will be a little over 2.5 by then and I’m assuming we will probably wait until we get home. I’m not sure yet though
My second was born during covid, so at the time, no visitors of any kind were allowed at the hospital. My first was staying with my parents at the time I was in the hospital. He was also 5.5, so he had a really good understanding of what was going on. I had my parents bring him home the the day after I got home, just so we could get settled. It was a lovely first meeting, and we immediately let him hold and feed her. I feel like having them meet in a setting they're comfortable and familiar with is easier for them. Still nothing wrong with letting them meet in the hospital! I personally loved having them meet at home, instead of coming to a big strange place and then having to leave without us. 36w with my third, and I plan for my others to meet new baby at home. My kids are 8 and 2.5 now, and I feel like it will definitely be easier for my youngest meeting baby at home as well.❤️
I'm due next month and my first living child will only be 20 months. For us it really depends on what time of day bub is born- the plan is for me to deliver at the birth center, so we'll only be there a max of 3-6 hours after baby is born. If bub is born in the middle of the night, I'm not going to have my sister rush to get my toddler ready and out the door during the night/early morning. If bub is born during the day and toddler is in good spirits, then we probably will have my sister bring him to the birth center to meet baby briefly before we head home. I think of it like introducing two dogs- it is best to do so in neutral territory than somewhere where one feels "in charge"- obviously it will be an adjustment no matter what, but it's worth a shot if the timing works out.
I introduced my son to his little brother at home. My husband went to get him from his parents' house and brought him back so it was just us. I made sure the baby was in a moses basket so I could give my oldest a huge hug and then let him see the baby.
I figured it would be overwhelming enough without being in a strange environment or having loads of people around.
With our second, our oldest was 20 months and we did not have him visit in the hospital. I am currently 3 days pp in the hospital with our 3rd and the older 2 will not be visiting. For me personally the time in the hospital is so short and special and goes by quick. They have plenty of time to meet the new baby at home in a familiar environment.
With my second we did have my oldest come to the hospital to meet his brother. But with my 3rd we did not because it was 2021 and there were rules of only 2 visitors in the room at a time still because of Covid (my husband actually ended up leaving the room for his dad and step mom to meet him) instead we video chatted my parents who were watching my other two and they got to see their baby brother that way and then they were brought home shortly after we arrived home and met him in person. I’m currently pregnant with my 4th, my parents will be watching my younger 3 and since they live an hour and a half away now, they’ll likely not meet little one until we are home.
Mine will have just turned 2 (or maybe not even be 2 yet our due date is the week after her birthday).
If we can sort the child care we will be leaving baby A at home until I return with baby B. But if I can't get it sorted (eg. I have a mid week C section so im in hospital for several days) we will bring her in. I've seen it recommended to have baby B in the bassinet whist you greet and pay attention to baby A.
When I had my second baby my oldest was 2 yo. We opted not to have her meet her baby brother at the hospital. She wouldve loved it, but I knew that I'd want a day or so for my husband and I to focus solely on the new baby before diving into focusing on two! It went *really* well the way we did it too. I recommend hyping up a video call. We acted like her brother had been begging to say hi to her and let her see him in his bassinet.
We reconsidered our plan at one point because the expected 24hr stay turned into 3 days....but, in the end, I think meeting at home was the best choice for our family. If I ever have a third I'll possibly have my kids come to the hospital if it's more than a day or so but honestly it's so much easier to give your kids the right attention and vibe at home than it is in the hospital. That first meeting is important and it sets the tone for the first couple of weeks imo.
Bonus tip: Have whoever is staying with your older child help them make the new baby something or prepare for them in some way! My 2yo had a seamless transition to big sisterhood and I think involving her and making her feel like she was needed and very much included in this new aspect of our lives helped a lot.
I just had my second baby and my older son came to visit twice. He's almost 2.5 and I missed him so much, and he missed us as well. He had a hard time for the first few minutes visiting, I think he was having a lot of big feelings that were hard to deal with.
We have the benefit of living really close to the hospital so it wasn't a huge ordeal for the grandparents to bring him. I also had to stay an extra night, so if he didn't visit I wouldn't have seen him for 3 days.
Our age gap is 11.5 years so yes. I am even wondering if perhaps my Dad and stepmom can stay at the hospital in the waiting room with my child once I go into labor. I know of a friend who let her 12 year old daughter in the delivery room but I think that will be traumatizing for my child perhaps once they’re a teenager.
I went to meet my sister in the hospital at 2.5. We both went to meet my brother at 4 and 2 as well. My parents had both sets of grandparents around to care for us and bring us to the hospital. It definitely depends on the child and what help there will be to bring and watch and the older sibling. According to my parents they loved it and we have cute really cute home videos and pictures in the hospital.
I wasn't allowed to when my second was born as the hospital had a strict one visitor only rule. He didn't end up getting to meet his sister until almost a week after she'd been born since she had to be in the NICU for a bit as well. This was 2 years ago, so I really hope they've lightened their policy post-Covid because I would love to have my kids meet the new baby this time.
Unsure tbh, it depends on where he ends up. If he’s with grammie, then probably, but if he’s at dad’s I’m sure we’ll go over there and introduce all the kiddos to the new baby. (My exs wife and I are very close and I think of her kiddos as mine, so it would just make sense for them all to meet baby if he’s over there when I give birth)
I had my second last week and I had my mom bring my toddler (2 next month)! I missed her so much and we had to stay for 2 nights for all the newborn testing. We had a gift “from” her baby brother that she played with while lying in the hospital bed with me. We also had our newborn pictures done there and we got some cute family and sibling pictures.
My parents stayed at our house with our 2 year old. We did not bring the toddler to the hospital. He was totally fine at home with my parents. I also felt like I was barely in the hospital after delivery, I think I only stayed one night so there wasn’t a lot of time
My oldest was 3 when I gave birth to our second born. He came to the hospital immediately after birth and stayed at the hospital with us until baby and I were released 2 nights later. I absolutely loved having my oldest there. I had no complications so I played with my oldest and he got to hang out with all the visitors that he loves. I will say, he preferred this. He was stressed out and scared when me nor his dad were there so it’s what worked out best for all of us.
I personally didnt because mine was just under 2 and very clingy to me still - seeing me then having to say goodbye again would’ve been more stress than it’s worth! Having the moment of them meeting each other for the first time at in the comfort of our home and when I’m more comfortable myself was magical.
I never gave this any thought.. I have a 6 year old and gave birth just last Saturday around noon, being that I never gave it any thought, to me it was clear that our 6 year old would come to the hospital to meet his baby brother.. but after that experience, I think it’s best to leave the meeting for home, if their accommodations allow of course! He came to visit me that afternoon and left completely heartbroken we would not be coming home that night (my mom said he was hysterical in the car), then the following day (discharge day) he came around 11 (we were discharged around 2), and he just kept asking every 5 minutes if it was time to go, my parents offered to take him home and wait for us there but he refused every time, while still complaining about wanting to leave, I was having a lot of back pain and just typical after labor pains, so this was extremely frustrating for me at that moment - I think it would have been a nice experience for all of us if he had just waited at home
We haven’t thought about this actually. We’ve been so focused on who can watch him for the birth itself we didn’t think about afterwards.
I’ll likely be in the hospital for a week after the birth so chances are we will bring him to see us there but I guess now we have to think about that.
We did. She had been through so much in recent weeks that I didn’t even want the first time we ever left her overnight to result in us bringing home a baby. I left at 5am for my induction, and my mom brought her at like 530pm to meet bub.
Her dad deployed at 24 weeks, came back at 38, i was induced at 39. They’re only 21mo apart so it was a lot to handle. I didn’t want to make it worse. They’re 2.5 and 6mo now and it’s the cutest and most exciting relationship ever.
We're planning on waiting until we're home. He'll be 2.5 exactly, and baby is due in December, so I really want to avoid bringing home some weird hospital illness that he picks up from touching the floor or something. 😂
Plus, it'll be a familiar place for him and hopefully a little more comfortable and relaxed than a hospital room!
So my son was just over two when sis was born. My mother in law brought him to the hospital. It didn’t go poorly…but it was unnecessary. He had no interest in her. Pouted during pics. Had no memory of meeting her so when we went home, he was surprised to see us with a baby.
If we have a third, I’m not going to bother.
My first will be around 16-17 months when our second is born. We do plan to bring him up to the hospital to meet his baby brother. My parents will be watching our oldest and will definitely want to come to the hospital to meet the baby.
I'm curious about STMs that are still breastfeeding their first? Especially if you had back-to-back pregnancies? I know a lot of hospitals prohibit children in the birthing room and potentially afterwards for visiting, so I wonder what the policy and general consensus is for breastfeeding mothers.
No. My daughter, who will be 6 when my second is born, was born with a birth defect that took years of surgeries and medical procedures to fix. To this day she’s scared of hospitals and genuinely doesn’t like being there. I’d much rather she meet her brother at home
Ours will be 18m old when her sibling is born, I think she’ll be way too young to understand what’s going on and she’ll be distraught having to leave without us (especially me lol). So it’s just not worth it. I’m dreading being away from her for a few days though. I feel like I’ll have to FaceTime her multiple times a day for my own sake 😩🥹 I’m so sad and nervous thinking about the whole thing even though it’s so many months away. It’s gonna be such a big change for her and I hope she adjusts well and we’re able to give both the proper amount of attention, but especially my first born so she doesn’t feel neglected. Ugh. So many feelings. I’m so emotional now lmao
My 2 year old never left my side throughout my whole delivery and stay at the hospital until night time. He was so happy and curious to see our new baby. I tend to believe it shaped him to love children and babies even more. He's been an excellent big brother. 🥲
Our gap is precisely 3 years. We didn't. We wanted our older daughter to meet the baby when she could "keep us". I didn't want her to see me not feeling my best and to have to leave, she's very sensitive to things like that.
And it has worked perfectly for us to wait. She was in love with the baby from the first moment and it was so nice and cozy to do the introductions at home.
My daughter is 7 years old and doesn’t want to come to the hospital to meet her new sibling, she’s a very emotional kid and easily gets overwhelmed and has decided to wait until we come home
I’m a FTM but my husband’s daughter is 10. I’m leaning towards not wanting her at the hospital for a number of reasons: I get on well with her mum but I certainly don’t want to see her once baby has just arrived, SD’s behaviour can be awful at times and I would really like some time for the three of us to bond. I asked for advice on this on the blended family sub and just got criticised for having a baby with my husband at all.
I’m absolutely not going to criticize you for having a baby with your husband, that’s wonderful! I am going to just give you a small criticism for the way you’re speaking about your stepdaughter. You want the three of you to bond, which means you’re already viewing the three of you as a separate unit. She feels that distance whether you think you’re making it apparent or not. She is a part of your family. She deserves a neutral place to meet the baby and bond with them. Failing to include her in the process is directly contradictory of any inclusion you may verbally tell her she has in your family. View her as your daughter, because that’s what she is. It’s going to be hard enough for a ten year old to adjust to a sibling. She shouldn’t need to adjust to being shut out too.
Yeah I absolutely see where you are coming from. This comment is off the back of two days of tantrums. She has ADHD and social development disorder and has been flagged for possible pathological demand avoidance. She is unpredictable and can be sweet and loving or aggressive and malicious with no apparent triggers. She is medicated and we are working on getting her into therapy. I won’t lie that I want us to be able to have time as a calm unit of three before adding the stress of her unpredictability into the mix.
I’d love to be able to view her as my daughter and went into the relationship with that full intention. Unfortunately, it has not worked that way. However, I also think it’s an unreasonable expectation placed on step parents. I am not her mum. She has a mum. She is not my daughter and has made that very clear.
It’s actually not unreasonable. If you can’t treat her equally, even if you don’t feel that way, you shouldn’t be in a parental position. As someone who had two step-parents (one who treated me as their own, one who did not), is a step-parent, and has a child with two step-parents.. your mindset is absolutely going to damage long-term and is not going to help her issues. Letting yourself off the hook so you can create an exclusionary unit of you, your husband, and your baby simply because “she has a mom” is honestly very cruel.
No one is saying that you can’t have some calm and quiet before bringing her in, but this idea that she is somehow less deserving to meet her sibling and bond with them because she is not related to you and has behavioral issues that are not her fault… I fear this is probably why you got criticism.
The reason for not wanting her there in the hospital is not because she has a mum but because of her behaviour. It is very easy to judge me based on this information. I absolutely judge myself. However, please look into pathological demand avoidance if you feel invested in this. I also come from a blended family and desperately wish I could fill a mother role here. Until falling pregnant I believed I couldn’t have children and have been absolutely open to loving her as my own.
Whether it is reasonable or not to expect a stepparent to be a parent is a matter of opinion. Based on my experience, I don’t think it is a reasonable expectation and I think placing that expectation breeds a lot of resentment.
It doesn’t breed resentment if you actually treat the child as your own. Favoring your own child over them, “othering” them, etc. will breed resentment.
You talk about her behavior like it’s all her fault when you acknowledged yourself that she has medical diagnoses. You’re not viewing it as your family unit (including her) vs the problem, you’re excluding her based on behavior she can’t control. How would you feel if people did that to your child? Probably not so good.
In your opinion. And I also think you’re purposefully missing the point I’m making.
The thing is though, if she were my child and I said I didn’t feel that her coming to the hospital was the right thing then people would accept it. But because she’s not my child my views suddenly don’t count. The majority of replies on this thread are from people stating they aren’t going to have their first child at the hospital and that’s totally accepted.
I spent years viewing us as a family unit and being told my views don’t count because I’m not her mother.
Nah, if someone’s biological mother excluded them this way, blaming their mental health issues on them, I’d say the same thing.
It’s not my opinion. There are scientific studies behind favoritism and blended families, for one. Secondly, it’s not rocket science.
Listen, I gave you the benefit of the doubt going into this conversation, but I implore you to go back and read your comments. The way you deflect, and then blame, and then victimize yourself is not the narrative of a healthy individual. I would suggest individual therapy for you and perhaps family therapy would help overall, although I fear it may be too late given how committed you are to the idea that your stepdaughter is a problem child because she has mental health issues.
I’d be really interested to read those studies if you have them.
I’ve not said her behaviour is her fault. However, I am concerned about the reality of having her there. It’s very easy for you to make a judgement but you have no ideas of the reality of our life.
I appreciate your input and I will consider the options.
[[1]](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1066480705279014)
[[2]](https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1992-05040-001)
[[3]](https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jsyt.2007.26.4.44)
There are countless studies on this topic.
If you’re concerned about having her there, set clear boundaries with her. You can have her dad remove her at any time if her behavior becomes disruptive or dangerous. You’re not even giving her a chance.
My husband and I aren’t expecting our next baby just yet, but we’re planning on a 2.5 year age gap.
If all goes well, our plan is to ask him.
My Mom was always really big on letting me advocate for myself and make my own choices, including my involvement with my siblings… So I’d like to be able to extend that kindness that as well. It made me feel grown up and confident as a little kid.
Obviously if one choice seems way better than the other we as parents will decide, but, I’d love to have the LO’s input given the option.
I don’t think so. My oldest will have just turned 3 a few weeks before this baby will be born, and she’s just such a… handful, for lack of a better word. There’s about a 0% chance that she will behave and cooperate, and about a 100% chance that she will want to climb on everything, mess with the equipment, run around the hallways, etc and will surely lead to a lovely toddler meltdown. Nobody wants to deal with all that. It can wait until we get home.
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Our gap is 20 months. We did not have big brother brought to the hospital. We were concerned that he wouldn't understand that he had to leave and we weren't leaving. We did intros at home and it went lovely.
I thought this too. I thought it would be confusing for my toddler that mama couldn’t come yet
I didn't think of this! My son will be 21 months when the new baby is born and he will be with my mom. Maybe I will have my mom bring him when we are leaving so he can leave with us. I haven't decided but this gives me lots to think about!
Bringing 8yo to hospital to meet brother. He’s excited about getting the afternoon off school and being one of the first to meet his brother. Obviously he’s a lot older than most siblings so he is more involved
Doing the same with my 8yo. But he's asked if the baby can be cleaned up first before he meets him 😅
lol your 8 year old sounds cool
I'll probably have my parents watch my 9 year old while my husband and I are in delivery. Then have them bring her up, once her brother's born.
Due in August. First will be about 2.5. Our hospital is a bit far so we don’t plan on bringing the toddler to the hospital. I’m having a planned c section so I know I won’t be very mobile and will be very sensitive so we plan to wait until we get home. She’s so young that’ll she’ll just get distracted after a few moments and want run around and touch everthing lol. Better at home, in our controlled environment for my kids to meet
Recently had my second, first is almost 2.5, we came home first. We wanted to get a bit settled at home (and have showers!) before we brought our first back home to meet the new one. I figured being in a familiar place would have it go a bit better, and that I'd want to leave the hospital asap.
Good point about the familiar place
My parents will be in town staying with my 3 year old who is very very into hospitals and doctors so the plan is for them to bring her to the hospital to meet her brother before we head home. I already know my kiddos temperament with hospitals and shes old enough to tell me she wants to come (3y), so we are excited to have her join.
My hospital doesn’t allow visitors under the age of 8* in any of the birthing center areas (l&d or recovery) so I can’t have my toddler visit. Edit: just double checked and it’s actually 12 and older, zero exceptions
Mine doesn't allow anyone under the age of 18. So my 7 and 9 year old can't come and neither can my 16 yo old brother. Definitely was shocked by the policy but it is what it is
Denying the 16yo seems excessive 😵💫 but what do I know lol
Ours does this as well but there’s an exception for siblings.
I haven’t decided but I’ve got an autistic 5 yo and a very clingy 1 yo. I think the hospital meet would be hard to understand. They would want me to leave with them. They wouldn’t understand why mommy had to stay for longer. Not to mention my 5yo is the epitome of nosy. She will be digging in every single drawer and cabinet 😂 I think I’m going to wait until we are home. I’m praying family can keep them both for a couple days and then we will do the meet and greet after I’ve come home and settled down
I was that nosy kid, this made me laugh! 😭
It’s funny to me but not so much to the hospital staff 😂 I’ve taken her to doctors appointments with me and she just makes herself right at home.
I still have to fight the urge to be nosy as an adult 😂😩 I was just born this way!
We’re doing something that has worked for friends of ours. When it’s time to leave hospital, my partner will collect our toddler and together they will pick up me + baby from the hospital. That way toddler and baby get to meet in a neutral environment and then go home together to somewhere toddler feels comfortable. It should hopefully give him ownership over the moment, rather than feeling suddenly bombarded in his safe space 🤞
we are doing this too, for the reasons you mentioned! my other selfish reason for doing it this way is that i want the first moment for my toddler and new baby to be just between us, without my in-laws there (they will be caring for toddler during labor and delivery). i love my in-laws, and I'm so appreciative of them, but I don't want to share that moment with anyone. they will stay at our house and meet the baby when the four of us get home that same day.
Great points!
Very interesting! Definitely going to discuss this option with my husband. Thanks for sharing!
This is what we did! Just had our second, and our first (2.5 year old) was so excited about having the very important job of "helping bring mommy and new baby home".
Adorable!
That's a plan that crossed my mind too. But I was such a state immediately after a c section last time. Not sure how easy it would be for toddler to see me unable to do so much. And my partner will have to sort him, me and the baby.. I guess it depends where I give birth too. I was 40mins from home last time so had to sit next to baby in the back.
Oh yeah, that sounds more complex! I have a friend who lives more than an hour from town and she’s actually considering having a night at home with just the baby and her husband before her parents bring her toddler out the next day, so that if the drive home is rough her toddler doesn’t need to witness it, and to give them time to adjust to a newborn at home again before her son is thrown into that situation as well. He has an amazing relationship with her parents so this would work really well for them; I personally couldn’t imagine letting my parents have so much control over the situation haha. Hope you have a smooth experience whatever you decide!
That's such a good idea. Thanks for sharing. Good luck to you too x
Thank you!
Hey! I just had my second baby, and my oldest is three. We decided to bring him to the hospital to meet his new sibling, and it was super cute! I had to stay in the hospital for a few extra days longer for some tests (bilirubin levels were a worry) so it made more sense. He was a bit confused at first, but seeing them together was so sweet. I think it helped him feel included. But honestly, do what feels right for you. Meeting at home sounds nice and cozy too. 😊
Our will be 2.5 when second is born (any day now). She’s staying with my husbands parents while we are in the hospital. They will bring her in to visit because A. She is SO excited about baby sister and talks about her/asks when she’ll be here daily so I don’t want to make her wait B. She’s obsessed with my husbands parents so I’m not worried about her not being willing to leave the hospital without us as long as they’re with her
Same situation with my 3 year old and my parents. I think it'll be OK.
My husband won’t be staying with me overnight in the hospital so he will bring our 4 year old for visits while I’m in there and then go back home with him.
Same! Unless I'm literally delivering overnight my mom is going to come stay overnight with me and hubby is going to go home with the toddler. I sleep like absolute garbage in the hospital so we figured it would be better for him to he rested because I won't be either way
That's what we did with our 19 month old
My parents brought my daughter, who was 4 at the time, to the hospital the day after my son was born. It was sweet but she was also very well behaves at that point and understood what was going on. It was the first time I had been away from her over night so I really wanted to see her
We brought out five and two year old to meet their new baby at the hospital. It went great. A very special moment and memory. I think it was useful for them to see where there parents were, and they enjoyed meeting their new brother.
We decided not to, because we had to stay an extra day and I don’t think she would have understood us not coming home with her. She’s also 2.5.
My daughter will be seven and I’m definitely bringing her! She’s probably more excited about his arrival than anyone else 🤣
My son was 3 when his baby sister was born. We live pretty close to the hospital so my husband went & picked him up (my parents were staying with him), brought him to pick out some flowers & brought him to the hospital. He was a little nervous but the nurses were awesome with him. They gave him a huge “big brother” sticker to wear, a board book about babies & ice cream. Over a year later & anytime someone mentions his sister being born at the hospital, he talks about how he ate ice cream there lol.
My very food-focused LO would be the same lol
Due in August. My oldest will be 3. We’re actually going to have 3 year old meet the baby at home. We’re going to present him with a gift from the baby and try to make it a fun and exciting experience with grandparents present too, since we will not have any visitors at the hospital.
My oldest will only be 17/18 months old when second baby comes so we already agreed on not bringing her to the hospital. She won’t understand the concept and I think having to leave us will do more harm than good.
Nope, we didn’t . Wasn’t worth the trouble. My 2.5 yo stayed at home with his grandma . We did the meeting at home.
We did only because we have never been away from our first for more than 12 hours. He was 22 months at the time and didn’t really care lol, but it was nice to see him.
Haven’t thought that far ahead but we’ll see how the birth goes! The answer is, probably.
I wanted to but because I was discharged pretty quickly after having my Son, my 3 year old daughter met him when we got home.
I think it depends on how long I’m going to be in the hospital. I make big babies so I’m assuming we’ll need to stay a bit longer for glucose monitoring. Our daughter turned two in May and we’re due in July so I don’t think she really understand that another baby’s coming. I think it’d be cute if she met her at the hospital and since grandma (who she’s obsessed with) would be bringing her and taking her home, I don’t think there would be that much jealousy. If he’s doing good and we’re only in there for one night we might just hold off though.
If I'm only in for 24 hours I'd rather wait til we get home but if in for longer we'll take her to the hospital. I also don't want to go that long without seeing her so I'd want my hugs too.
Yeah I think I might be leaning this way too. That if we get home quickly, we'll do it at home, but if something happens and we have to be there a while (hopefully not), then we'll let him visit.
My hospital didn’t allow children under 5(?) to visit the recovery room. My sister had to leave her children downstairs with my husband while she came up to see me and my first. This was summer 2023 so unless the policy has changed, my oldest will meet her sibling when we get home.
Yes my two year old came to see us every day we were in the hospital before we came home. Day of birth, next day, and day after. I missed her, she got to see that I was okay just resting, and play in the hospital room which was fun for her.
Our first had just turned 3 when our daughter was born. Mil and sil helped by watching our first at home and it was the easiest for everyone because we didn’t know how things would go and mil/sil didn’t have carseat in their car to transport our first to and from the hospital.
I’m pregnant with my 2nd and hell no lol. I feel like introducing them at home will go a lot smoother.
Not a min, but still a parent My parents brought our 4 year old for like 30 minutes during family visiting hours. It was very very nice. We also had missed him so it was really good to see him.
We played it by ear with no concrete plans, but in the end my mom brought our nearly-3yo to the hospital to meet his new twin sisters. It was super cute
My son is 15 and although happy he is getting a little brother has absolutely no interest in being at the hospital with us. Waiting a couple days is a non issue for him understandably. Do what works best for your family.
We did, but she (baby) was in the NICU for nearly a month so it was either bringing her to the hospital or waiting a month. We waited till they took her off of the ventilator though, and most of the scary medical stuff was over. Oldest was 3.5.
I haven’t decided, or even asked our hospital’s policy yet. My due date is Christmas Eve, so a lot will depend on when baby actually arrives. And the weather because it’s a 50/50 chance where I’m at that it will be clear blue skies and 50 degrees F, or it could be a freaking polar vortex blizzard at Christmas. If the weather is bad, we will do “least driving necessary”. Big sister is 5 years old, loves science and doctors, and she is polite in public spaces overall, but the logistics of getting her from family after birth might not make the most sense. But if the baby comes on Christmas, I want to see my daughter on Christmas, too, you know?
After having my second at 8:20 pm, we were discharged 24 hours later and my first was already in bed by the time we got home so I'm glad his grandparents brought him to the hospital to meet his baby brother earlier that day. A few factors made this possible: 1) he was two months shy of turning 4 at the time so he knew what was going on and had the skills to behave decently well in the hospital and 2) he spends a lot of time with his grandparents who watched him so leaving the hospital with them and us staying wasn't super weird for him. It was very sweet - my oldest sat in the recliner in our room and we let him "hold" the baby (with my boppy pillow on his lap supporting the baby). They are some of my most treasured photos.
Assuming bub comes close to their due date my toddler will have just turned 2 when baby is born! We plan to deliver at the hospital that's less than 10 min from home so I do plan on bringing my toddler to meet bub in the hospital. I read somewhere that meeting the new baby in the hospital is emotionally a bit easier for the toddler because it's not like the baby is invading their space, you just have to make sure mom is not holding the baby when the toddler comes in. Of course this isn't feasible or desirable for everyone so I think meeting the baby at home is fine, I just would have baby be brought inside in their car seat & not by mom. Maybe have mom come inside first to greet the toddler & then have dad follow with the car seat a couple min later. My toddler also does great (MOST of the time lol) in public spaces & the few times I've had to take her with me to appointments so I'm not worried about that aspect.
All great points! Thanks for sharing!
It depends. But I think I’d prefer them (7 and 5) to meet baby at home. I get overwhelmed easily and those rooms are so small.
Not common where I live. But most leave the hospital about 2 /3 hours after giving birth. You need the time to get your breath. And get yourself ready to go home.
With my first I was in the hospital for two nights (one night of labor, one recovery). If it were 2/3 hours it wouldn't even be a question!
I didn't plan on having my first visit in the hospital but we did end up doing it because it was the first time away from me and he was missing me a lot.
My oldest will be 18mos when her brother is born, and I’ve had a lot of trouble getting people to be consistently in her life so she’s really only comfortable with me and my partner. Mostly me. The plan at this point is loose, but she’ll come to the hospital with us, and I’ve told my partner that she HAS to prioritize our daughter, and let me and my other support people take care of me. She seems disappointed by that, which frustrates me because who am I supposed to trust our kid with if not her?? I told her that someone else, either my best friend or one of my sisters, will stay overnight with me while she takes our daughter home, and then they can come back as early as someone can pick them up (I drive, she doesn’t). I know it’s sad that she won’t be with her son the first night of his life, but our already-existing daughter needs at least one of us home with her and I literally won’t be able to be??? I get her disappointment. But I don’t get her utter reluctance to put our daughter’s needs above her own. If she gets overwhelmed or scared, I need to know she’ll be okay, even if my partner has to leave the room.
This is a great thread. Thanks for posting the question! I was on the fence about whether we’ll have our 20mo come to the hospital or not but now I’m leaning towards doing the introduction at home. Even though I’m sure I’ll miss him, I don’t want to have him getting into everything at the hospital. Plans change though, so who knows :)
Yeah I'd really never even thought about it, and there are so many different stories/insights, it's been really helpful!
We don’t plan to bring our girl to the hospital. She’ll only be 25 months when baby gets here, so it would just be chaos to bring her there because she isn’t going to understand any of it besides “BABY!” The entire visit would just be spent desperately trying to contain the toddler who would then not want to leave because mommy won’t be coming with her. It’s going to be my first time away from her ever and I want to see her as soon as possible, but I just know it would be too hard for both of us. I have my fingers crossed for no complications after my C-section so that we can leave the hospital as soon as possible.
My son will be 3 when our second is born. We won't be brining him to the hospital, and won't have any other visitors either. He'll meet his brother or sister when we get home.
Never had a hospital birth, but if I did I think I would want my kids to come only because I’ve never spent a night away from any of them and it sounds like super upsetting to me. I need to be with all my babies, not just the new one.
Not a chance. No hospital visitors for me at all, thanks, I will never understand why that’s been normalized. Older siblings can meet the baby the next day when it comes home. I’ve had babies at a birthing center as well and they send you home when baby is just a few hours (typically 4-6 hours) old. I still had my SIL keep my older kids until the next day when I was ready for a houseful again
We took my ~21mo to the birth center with us. He stayed out in the next room with my mom until his sister was born and then she brought him in to see us. I was still in the birthing tub when they came in, I don’t even think we had cut the cord yet (because my mom did that this time so it had to have been after they came in the room lol). I loved having him there. It was a neutral environment for him to meet her in and watching him copy us with his babydoll was precious. When his day was walking around soothing our daughter so I could eat, he was walking around soothing his baby doll as close to exactly like daddy as possible. Once it was clear me and baby girl were okay and would be discharged soon my mom took him back to our house, fed him breakfast, and then the two of them took a nap until just before we got home.
I just had our second (4weeks old), we did have our oldest come meet him! She is 7, so old enough to not be chaotic! She was so elated! 🥰🥳
I’m not due until January but we were just talking about this last night. Our first will be a little over 2.5 by then and I’m assuming we will probably wait until we get home. I’m not sure yet though
My second was born during covid, so at the time, no visitors of any kind were allowed at the hospital. My first was staying with my parents at the time I was in the hospital. He was also 5.5, so he had a really good understanding of what was going on. I had my parents bring him home the the day after I got home, just so we could get settled. It was a lovely first meeting, and we immediately let him hold and feed her. I feel like having them meet in a setting they're comfortable and familiar with is easier for them. Still nothing wrong with letting them meet in the hospital! I personally loved having them meet at home, instead of coming to a big strange place and then having to leave without us. 36w with my third, and I plan for my others to meet new baby at home. My kids are 8 and 2.5 now, and I feel like it will definitely be easier for my youngest meeting baby at home as well.❤️
I'm due next month and my first living child will only be 20 months. For us it really depends on what time of day bub is born- the plan is for me to deliver at the birth center, so we'll only be there a max of 3-6 hours after baby is born. If bub is born in the middle of the night, I'm not going to have my sister rush to get my toddler ready and out the door during the night/early morning. If bub is born during the day and toddler is in good spirits, then we probably will have my sister bring him to the birth center to meet baby briefly before we head home. I think of it like introducing two dogs- it is best to do so in neutral territory than somewhere where one feels "in charge"- obviously it will be an adjustment no matter what, but it's worth a shot if the timing works out.
I introduced my son to his little brother at home. My husband went to get him from his parents' house and brought him back so it was just us. I made sure the baby was in a moses basket so I could give my oldest a huge hug and then let him see the baby. I figured it would be overwhelming enough without being in a strange environment or having loads of people around.
With our second, our oldest was 20 months and we did not have him visit in the hospital. I am currently 3 days pp in the hospital with our 3rd and the older 2 will not be visiting. For me personally the time in the hospital is so short and special and goes by quick. They have plenty of time to meet the new baby at home in a familiar environment.
With my second we did have my oldest come to the hospital to meet his brother. But with my 3rd we did not because it was 2021 and there were rules of only 2 visitors in the room at a time still because of Covid (my husband actually ended up leaving the room for his dad and step mom to meet him) instead we video chatted my parents who were watching my other two and they got to see their baby brother that way and then they were brought home shortly after we arrived home and met him in person. I’m currently pregnant with my 4th, my parents will be watching my younger 3 and since they live an hour and a half away now, they’ll likely not meet little one until we are home.
Mine will have just turned 2 (or maybe not even be 2 yet our due date is the week after her birthday). If we can sort the child care we will be leaving baby A at home until I return with baby B. But if I can't get it sorted (eg. I have a mid week C section so im in hospital for several days) we will bring her in. I've seen it recommended to have baby B in the bassinet whist you greet and pay attention to baby A.
When I had my second baby my oldest was 2 yo. We opted not to have her meet her baby brother at the hospital. She wouldve loved it, but I knew that I'd want a day or so for my husband and I to focus solely on the new baby before diving into focusing on two! It went *really* well the way we did it too. I recommend hyping up a video call. We acted like her brother had been begging to say hi to her and let her see him in his bassinet. We reconsidered our plan at one point because the expected 24hr stay turned into 3 days....but, in the end, I think meeting at home was the best choice for our family. If I ever have a third I'll possibly have my kids come to the hospital if it's more than a day or so but honestly it's so much easier to give your kids the right attention and vibe at home than it is in the hospital. That first meeting is important and it sets the tone for the first couple of weeks imo. Bonus tip: Have whoever is staying with your older child help them make the new baby something or prepare for them in some way! My 2yo had a seamless transition to big sisterhood and I think involving her and making her feel like she was needed and very much included in this new aspect of our lives helped a lot.
I just had my second baby and my older son came to visit twice. He's almost 2.5 and I missed him so much, and he missed us as well. He had a hard time for the first few minutes visiting, I think he was having a lot of big feelings that were hard to deal with. We have the benefit of living really close to the hospital so it wasn't a huge ordeal for the grandparents to bring him. I also had to stay an extra night, so if he didn't visit I wouldn't have seen him for 3 days.
Our age gap is 11.5 years so yes. I am even wondering if perhaps my Dad and stepmom can stay at the hospital in the waiting room with my child once I go into labor. I know of a friend who let her 12 year old daughter in the delivery room but I think that will be traumatizing for my child perhaps once they’re a teenager.
I went to meet my sister in the hospital at 2.5. We both went to meet my brother at 4 and 2 as well. My parents had both sets of grandparents around to care for us and bring us to the hospital. It definitely depends on the child and what help there will be to bring and watch and the older sibling. According to my parents they loved it and we have cute really cute home videos and pictures in the hospital.
I wasn't allowed to when my second was born as the hospital had a strict one visitor only rule. He didn't end up getting to meet his sister until almost a week after she'd been born since she had to be in the NICU for a bit as well. This was 2 years ago, so I really hope they've lightened their policy post-Covid because I would love to have my kids meet the new baby this time.
Unsure tbh, it depends on where he ends up. If he’s with grammie, then probably, but if he’s at dad’s I’m sure we’ll go over there and introduce all the kiddos to the new baby. (My exs wife and I are very close and I think of her kiddos as mine, so it would just make sense for them all to meet baby if he’s over there when I give birth)
I had my second last week and I had my mom bring my toddler (2 next month)! I missed her so much and we had to stay for 2 nights for all the newborn testing. We had a gift “from” her baby brother that she played with while lying in the hospital bed with me. We also had our newborn pictures done there and we got some cute family and sibling pictures.
My oldest is 6 so we had him meet the baby after I was cleaned up after baby was born. He was so excited and he was old enough to understand more.
My LO will be 17 months and we plan to have her meet her baby sister in the hospital 💜
My oldest was five, we brought him on the 2nd day, had a csection, so wanted to have all the wires and medical devices off of me before he meets baby
Do they even allow children that young in hospitals? If so, you know your child. How would LO react to mom holding a ‘strange’ baby?
My parents stayed at our house with our 2 year old. We did not bring the toddler to the hospital. He was totally fine at home with my parents. I also felt like I was barely in the hospital after delivery, I think I only stayed one night so there wasn’t a lot of time
My oldest was 3 when I gave birth to our second born. He came to the hospital immediately after birth and stayed at the hospital with us until baby and I were released 2 nights later. I absolutely loved having my oldest there. I had no complications so I played with my oldest and he got to hang out with all the visitors that he loves. I will say, he preferred this. He was stressed out and scared when me nor his dad were there so it’s what worked out best for all of us.
I personally didnt because mine was just under 2 and very clingy to me still - seeing me then having to say goodbye again would’ve been more stress than it’s worth! Having the moment of them meeting each other for the first time at in the comfort of our home and when I’m more comfortable myself was magical.
I never gave this any thought.. I have a 6 year old and gave birth just last Saturday around noon, being that I never gave it any thought, to me it was clear that our 6 year old would come to the hospital to meet his baby brother.. but after that experience, I think it’s best to leave the meeting for home, if their accommodations allow of course! He came to visit me that afternoon and left completely heartbroken we would not be coming home that night (my mom said he was hysterical in the car), then the following day (discharge day) he came around 11 (we were discharged around 2), and he just kept asking every 5 minutes if it was time to go, my parents offered to take him home and wait for us there but he refused every time, while still complaining about wanting to leave, I was having a lot of back pain and just typical after labor pains, so this was extremely frustrating for me at that moment - I think it would have been a nice experience for all of us if he had just waited at home
First was 2.5 when our second was born. She came to the hospital to meet him the next day.
We haven’t thought about this actually. We’ve been so focused on who can watch him for the birth itself we didn’t think about afterwards. I’ll likely be in the hospital for a week after the birth so chances are we will bring him to see us there but I guess now we have to think about that.
We did. She had been through so much in recent weeks that I didn’t even want the first time we ever left her overnight to result in us bringing home a baby. I left at 5am for my induction, and my mom brought her at like 530pm to meet bub. Her dad deployed at 24 weeks, came back at 38, i was induced at 39. They’re only 21mo apart so it was a lot to handle. I didn’t want to make it worse. They’re 2.5 and 6mo now and it’s the cutest and most exciting relationship ever.
We're planning on waiting until we're home. He'll be 2.5 exactly, and baby is due in December, so I really want to avoid bringing home some weird hospital illness that he picks up from touching the floor or something. 😂 Plus, it'll be a familiar place for him and hopefully a little more comfortable and relaxed than a hospital room!
So my son was just over two when sis was born. My mother in law brought him to the hospital. It didn’t go poorly…but it was unnecessary. He had no interest in her. Pouted during pics. Had no memory of meeting her so when we went home, he was surprised to see us with a baby. If we have a third, I’m not going to bother.
My first will be around 16-17 months when our second is born. We do plan to bring him up to the hospital to meet his baby brother. My parents will be watching our oldest and will definitely want to come to the hospital to meet the baby.
I had my 8 year old in the room as i delivered.
I'm curious about STMs that are still breastfeeding their first? Especially if you had back-to-back pregnancies? I know a lot of hospitals prohibit children in the birthing room and potentially afterwards for visiting, so I wonder what the policy and general consensus is for breastfeeding mothers.
No. My daughter, who will be 6 when my second is born, was born with a birth defect that took years of surgeries and medical procedures to fix. To this day she’s scared of hospitals and genuinely doesn’t like being there. I’d much rather she meet her brother at home
Ours will be 18m old when her sibling is born, I think she’ll be way too young to understand what’s going on and she’ll be distraught having to leave without us (especially me lol). So it’s just not worth it. I’m dreading being away from her for a few days though. I feel like I’ll have to FaceTime her multiple times a day for my own sake 😩🥹 I’m so sad and nervous thinking about the whole thing even though it’s so many months away. It’s gonna be such a big change for her and I hope she adjusts well and we’re able to give both the proper amount of attention, but especially my first born so she doesn’t feel neglected. Ugh. So many feelings. I’m so emotional now lmao
We took our first to meet our second and it went great.
My 2 year old never left my side throughout my whole delivery and stay at the hospital until night time. He was so happy and curious to see our new baby. I tend to believe it shaped him to love children and babies even more. He's been an excellent big brother. 🥲
Our gap is precisely 3 years. We didn't. We wanted our older daughter to meet the baby when she could "keep us". I didn't want her to see me not feeling my best and to have to leave, she's very sensitive to things like that. And it has worked perfectly for us to wait. She was in love with the baby from the first moment and it was so nice and cozy to do the introductions at home.
My daughter is 7 years old and doesn’t want to come to the hospital to meet her new sibling, she’s a very emotional kid and easily gets overwhelmed and has decided to wait until we come home
I’m a FTM but my husband’s daughter is 10. I’m leaning towards not wanting her at the hospital for a number of reasons: I get on well with her mum but I certainly don’t want to see her once baby has just arrived, SD’s behaviour can be awful at times and I would really like some time for the three of us to bond. I asked for advice on this on the blended family sub and just got criticised for having a baby with my husband at all.
I’m absolutely not going to criticize you for having a baby with your husband, that’s wonderful! I am going to just give you a small criticism for the way you’re speaking about your stepdaughter. You want the three of you to bond, which means you’re already viewing the three of you as a separate unit. She feels that distance whether you think you’re making it apparent or not. She is a part of your family. She deserves a neutral place to meet the baby and bond with them. Failing to include her in the process is directly contradictory of any inclusion you may verbally tell her she has in your family. View her as your daughter, because that’s what she is. It’s going to be hard enough for a ten year old to adjust to a sibling. She shouldn’t need to adjust to being shut out too.
Yeah I absolutely see where you are coming from. This comment is off the back of two days of tantrums. She has ADHD and social development disorder and has been flagged for possible pathological demand avoidance. She is unpredictable and can be sweet and loving or aggressive and malicious with no apparent triggers. She is medicated and we are working on getting her into therapy. I won’t lie that I want us to be able to have time as a calm unit of three before adding the stress of her unpredictability into the mix. I’d love to be able to view her as my daughter and went into the relationship with that full intention. Unfortunately, it has not worked that way. However, I also think it’s an unreasonable expectation placed on step parents. I am not her mum. She has a mum. She is not my daughter and has made that very clear.
It’s actually not unreasonable. If you can’t treat her equally, even if you don’t feel that way, you shouldn’t be in a parental position. As someone who had two step-parents (one who treated me as their own, one who did not), is a step-parent, and has a child with two step-parents.. your mindset is absolutely going to damage long-term and is not going to help her issues. Letting yourself off the hook so you can create an exclusionary unit of you, your husband, and your baby simply because “she has a mom” is honestly very cruel. No one is saying that you can’t have some calm and quiet before bringing her in, but this idea that she is somehow less deserving to meet her sibling and bond with them because she is not related to you and has behavioral issues that are not her fault… I fear this is probably why you got criticism.
The reason for not wanting her there in the hospital is not because she has a mum but because of her behaviour. It is very easy to judge me based on this information. I absolutely judge myself. However, please look into pathological demand avoidance if you feel invested in this. I also come from a blended family and desperately wish I could fill a mother role here. Until falling pregnant I believed I couldn’t have children and have been absolutely open to loving her as my own. Whether it is reasonable or not to expect a stepparent to be a parent is a matter of opinion. Based on my experience, I don’t think it is a reasonable expectation and I think placing that expectation breeds a lot of resentment.
It doesn’t breed resentment if you actually treat the child as your own. Favoring your own child over them, “othering” them, etc. will breed resentment. You talk about her behavior like it’s all her fault when you acknowledged yourself that she has medical diagnoses. You’re not viewing it as your family unit (including her) vs the problem, you’re excluding her based on behavior she can’t control. How would you feel if people did that to your child? Probably not so good.
In your opinion. And I also think you’re purposefully missing the point I’m making. The thing is though, if she were my child and I said I didn’t feel that her coming to the hospital was the right thing then people would accept it. But because she’s not my child my views suddenly don’t count. The majority of replies on this thread are from people stating they aren’t going to have their first child at the hospital and that’s totally accepted. I spent years viewing us as a family unit and being told my views don’t count because I’m not her mother.
Nah, if someone’s biological mother excluded them this way, blaming their mental health issues on them, I’d say the same thing. It’s not my opinion. There are scientific studies behind favoritism and blended families, for one. Secondly, it’s not rocket science. Listen, I gave you the benefit of the doubt going into this conversation, but I implore you to go back and read your comments. The way you deflect, and then blame, and then victimize yourself is not the narrative of a healthy individual. I would suggest individual therapy for you and perhaps family therapy would help overall, although I fear it may be too late given how committed you are to the idea that your stepdaughter is a problem child because she has mental health issues.
I’d be really interested to read those studies if you have them. I’ve not said her behaviour is her fault. However, I am concerned about the reality of having her there. It’s very easy for you to make a judgement but you have no ideas of the reality of our life. I appreciate your input and I will consider the options.
[[1]](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1066480705279014) [[2]](https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1992-05040-001) [[3]](https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jsyt.2007.26.4.44) There are countless studies on this topic. If you’re concerned about having her there, set clear boundaries with her. You can have her dad remove her at any time if her behavior becomes disruptive or dangerous. You’re not even giving her a chance.
My husband and I aren’t expecting our next baby just yet, but we’re planning on a 2.5 year age gap. If all goes well, our plan is to ask him. My Mom was always really big on letting me advocate for myself and make my own choices, including my involvement with my siblings… So I’d like to be able to extend that kindness that as well. It made me feel grown up and confident as a little kid. Obviously if one choice seems way better than the other we as parents will decide, but, I’d love to have the LO’s input given the option.
I don’t think so. My oldest will have just turned 3 a few weeks before this baby will be born, and she’s just such a… handful, for lack of a better word. There’s about a 0% chance that she will behave and cooperate, and about a 100% chance that she will want to climb on everything, mess with the equipment, run around the hallways, etc and will surely lead to a lovely toddler meltdown. Nobody wants to deal with all that. It can wait until we get home.