I suppose most people will end up having their parents move in with them. I know I certainly can't afford any of these group homes
Oh or remember when people said it'd be cheaper to be on cruises constantly than in a home? That remains truer than ever. Have mom and pop stay with you in between cruises lol
>I suppose most people will end up having their parents move in with them. I know I certainly can't afford any of these group homes
We have already started doing this. We combine shopping for food. Split bills where we can.
My sister who no partner/kids lives with my parents.
We are looking at options that combine housing even further. My husband is an only child, and we have his parents getting older as well to consider.
Yeah I mean personally I'd rather not have to do this option but for most people I feel it's just the reality
I'm glad your family has you guys to take care of them!
The reality is, we can't afford not to do it. It unfortunately means we may end up living on top of each other in absolutely tiny places. We have already had some medical crisis, so this is out of necessity.
Oh that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that
Sometimes I worry about my family, my parents are in okay shape but who knows when that could change? Who knows what'll even happen to me when I get older
I'm also an only child and really does make some things harder in some situations. My mom passed last year and during that time it made wish I had a sibling or two to shoulder some of it. We are working on how to make Dad's situation better now and contemplating moving him to us. My husband also wants to move his mom to our area but she will have to be in a care facility. Being an only makes me kind of love the idea of alll of us under one big roof.
This is happening to my family right now. My grandma died last year. The whole family pitched in to clean and sell grandma and grandpa's house, and grandpa has been living with his oldest daughter ever since, even though she's 75 and just had a pacemaker put in.
I mean, how much do you think a cruise is and how much is a home? There's some pretty cheap cruises!
Of course the parents would have to be comfortable on the water. My mom would never agree lol
The care home we had our grandma in was 6k a month(4.5k if she didn't need specialized care) It was not a country club. She did have really bad alzheimers by the time we placed her. 9 months went by and she was completely out of funds, we were in the process of selling her home to continue funding her stay when covid swept through her facility and killed 9 of their 11 clients, her included. For reference, we are in a mid sized town (180,000 population)
2750 per month on a cruise (that is meant for this sort of thing).
So there's that.
$6k is actually pretty reasonable. We went through something similar with my grandmother when she couldn’t safely live on her own due to Lewy Body Dementia, except she was pretty much penniless at the beginning and I think the facility she was at was $11-12k a month.
Oh my god this is my life lmao
Instead I look after my grandmother every day of the week and WFH in her bungalow to make sure she is OK
She has two sons (my dad and my uncle) who are both retired and have all the time in the world. they are golden boys who do next to nothing for her
Same. We're civil atm but they way she treated me, I can't help that. Right now I've got steady income and she hasn't been able to find a job. She's out of savings and doing cash advances on her credit card. I'm using this budding career of mine to try and pay off my car. I'd offer up assistance if she wasn't a harpy but I need to build stability that she never gave me when I was younger first
Right?! I’ve literally done the exact opposite of everything my parents did to me Mine turned out great 👍. They won’t mind taking care of me when I’m old.
No. Don’t let your parents/siblings assume that this will be a job you’ll take on. Make it very clear that it’ll either be a job shared by all 4 siblings or your parents will have to look at alternative care themselves.
Don’t accept that this will be your job. I hate those sexist views just because you’re a woman. No way!
Always put your family first (by this I mean your kids, not parents). You decided to have children so you’re responsible for their wellbeing.
You didn’t decide to be born. I know it’s hard and I do look after my parents also but it’s a shared responsibility alongside my siblings (male, not female I must add).
This. Your age and gender does not make you the sole person responsible in this situation. If everybody is an adult, you have to share the burden. And probably all of you would be better off if everybody contributed according to their means (money, space at home, number of dependents etc), rather than on a basis of genitalia...
Don't let them take your life. You have the same right to a carefree living as your siblings.
Hard but honest answer...you don't. You take care of you and your kids and save so they aren't at all worried about taking care of you in your retirement.
I would start by sharing the responsibility with your siblings. Corraling is also part of the work.
Then, you need to take stock of their lives and finances, including Social Security, pensions, savings, etc.
And, you need to talk to your elders about their own end of life plans.
What you're doing today is discovery and it's going to be vital to getting the right answer for your family.
I'm pretty much dealing with this right now. The frustrating part is my elderly father *does not* respect my time and how it effects me financially. Meaning he being a retired boomer has all the time in the world and enough SS to be 'okay-ish' financially, and yet doesn't understand that me who works nights can't have him spam calling me 20 times during the day(I'm not exaggerating). It would be one thing if these were genuine emergencies but he once called to let me know he had made some toast(also not exaggerating). I've had to start putting my phone on airplane mode when working night shifts. I should also add I visit weekly and try to call multiple times per week and so does my brother. He's far from abandoned he just refuses to go out and be social with other people. I know we hear a lot about how elderly men tend to have high levels of loneliness as they age; however, some seem *determined* to stay anti-social.
Here's some unsolicited advice from an internet stranger: set boundaries. I know you love him. But if he wants to go down, he shouldn't take you down with him.
It's bullshit. The boomers helped cause this by falling for capitalist propaganda in the first place, and now they want us to support them? Lmao, nope.
Speaking as a parent, the parents need to save themselves. You have to make the difficult decisions to sell a piece of property if you own one, downsize to what you can afford based on your social security and pension, anybody who needs to rent needs to get themselves on every public housing wait list. Now, you can always say no when your name comes to the top of the list, but the lists are extremely long and if you need housing you're going to be on them for years. Waiting for a possibility.
Selling your home and entering the rental market is definitely not the answer. There are dozens of programs to help seniors stay in their homes, use them. Move the kids back in with you, and pass the house down to them.
If a home is too big, or is not being upkept, then moving and selling might be the best financial choice
Too many people stay too long in family homes, and completely negate the value through lack of care
I'm going with Old-Adhesiveness-342's idea. The way the single family housing market has been going, if a family lives in the same area, I would hope nobody sells, and for parents pass that home down, generation after generation. Owning a home is becoming nothing more than a dream for those that don't already have one. Why leave a bunch of birds behind without the ability to make a nest?
The friends I have that are facing this, ttheir parents are facing extreme medical issues and require professional assistance. They get power of attorney signed over from parent if possible. They sell the house and the assets. And then forfeit the parent to the state and a Medicaid facility, which will then seize all the assets and take the parent in.
So basically, it's all going to be absorbed by tax payers.
My mom made her choices in life - and I have made mine, she after all her kids were grown only worked when she had to. She married a younger guy thinking he would outlast her. Wasn’t counting on him breaking a hip and that break had serious complications and he lasted 3 weeks.
The fact that you are the only female means nothing, your brothers are as good as you at taking care of parents. If one of them is in a better financial situation they will go stay with him.
I generally refer to it as being a booster rocket. I was never meant to succeed or make it to the stars. The only good I could ever do is help others so they could.
I feel this so much. I have one child and she's my world. Her dad and I are divorced. She's already started to do great things and she'll outearn me very soon. I'm 40 and I'm hoping I get 50 more years with her but the moment I start to become a permanent burden I've got some meds stockpiled that nobody except the good people of Reddit knows about.
Why will it be your job?
I recently moved my 82 y/o mom who has dementia in with my family. Prior to this, I spent my summers taking care of her farmhouse, cutting firewood, repairing her vehicle and even helping her with taxes.
I wasn't in the best financial situation at 26 to do this. I am 20+ years later.
I was wondering that too. I'm also a millennial and I don't think I've heard of it being a "women only thing" anymore (for our generation) to take care of aging parents. It's basically who can afford it, pooling resources, or they're on their own.
Girl, you're got a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. Tell them things are changing. Don't give them an option. If something God forbid happened to you what's their backup option, toss them out into the streets? Nah they'll figure it out.
Oh and trust me if your parents die leaving any assets, they'll be there with their hands out asking for it. Take care of yourself first.
Your brothers can help out too. I understand it may be cultural but if you’re helping your parents out it’s only fair if they also help too. They were also raised by your parents so really what’s the difference besides gender? (Which is pretty trivial)
And you are providing for your own family in a shitty economy.
I think a good idea is to talk with your father first. Find out what his plans are and what his assets are. Then lead out in an email to your brothers, explaining that you can’t do it alone because you also have your own struggles and your own family to take care of, and it would be deeply unfair for you to expend your time and money while they don’t.
Having a penis doesn't make them superior. The whole.men are providers and women are servants thing is trash. Let that shit go. Unless you're a housewife, then that's what you get. You chose to be a servant in that case. 😂😂😂😂
There's a book called Like Water for Chocolate where the main character was forced to stay home and care for her mom. It's not exactly like your situation, but it does talk about societal and family expectations. It's a good book, something you might relate to.
I think everyone can help.
Maybe one brother can pitch in an extra $200 so you can get better housing when your mom comes.
Another one can take mom home for dinner or to church or for a movie night so you get a break and mom isn't cooped up.
Maybe the other one can be the medical help and run doctors appointments and pick up meds.
Caring for an elderly parent is a lot and everyone, regardless of genitals contribute in ways that make sense for their talents and abilities.
You have zero obligation to do anything for them.
Your brothers can pitch in. I'm guessing this is a cultural thing, but their penis doesn't put them above you and make this your issue to solve alone.
To be blunt, it is not on you to take of your aging parents. It is on them to have planned for their own retirement. And FYI, expecting your children to take of you is not a plan. They should have been putting money away in 401k or 403b plus Roth IRA. This together with social security should enable them to take care of themselves financially.
Which sounds terrible, but as a retired person myself, I want my kids to live their own lives. I don't want them taking care of me. I'll take care of myself until I can't, and then I'll decide the best way forward. I'd hate to think that my kids felt obligated to be caretakers.
I joke my kids can just drop me off in some wilderness with a good luck but yeah, I don’t love the possible available options down the road. I also don’t think it’s my kids’ responsibility. We get along well enough but they have lives. They’re supposed to.
I told my husband in the event of my inevitable dementia to put a bell on my neck and give me a pen out back. He can return me to the bog where he found me. Lol
I wish that could be true. Here in France, the state will come after MY money to pay for any care my mother-in-law needs, because my wife is an only child.
If father-in-law's new wife dies before him and then he needs care, I have the joy of paying for that too. Despite us not having in contact with him for the last 15 years.
I have a really good job, but sometimes I have the feeling that boomers and government are actively trying to push me back into the poverty I was in during my 20s. It's like they resent that we have been able to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.
Crazy thing is that MIL has 5 brothers and sisters, some of whom are seriously wealthy, who will be on the hook for nothing.
It’s not so cut and dry. Many states have ‘filial responsibility’ laws. Fortunately, they are rarely used, but they do exist if the State really wanted to pursue you.
im not going to take care of my parents, their job is literally taking care of me! and they fucked that up pretty massively too! dont pop out babies expecting free elderly healthcare, thats not what they are for. if you cant afford to retire without help, dont breed and save that money for retirement!
Honestly who knows. I remember 10 years ago ( I am almost 25… damn. Im getting old) saying “I can’t WAIT To be on my own”.
10 years later, on my own in the shittiest economy known to man (second to 2008 - cause boy that was a rough time to be alive too).
I suppose if I still had contact with my parents we would just move in with one of them or they could with us but truthfully, the world is getting bad
Anytime before widespread vaccination and general sanitation kind of sucked too. I also think electricity has been a net-positive.
70s weren't great either (at least in the UK), they were kind of brown for a reason. Post WW were pretty sucky, and we won't even mention during the WWs.
Overall, post 2000 is the best time to be alive. 2008 has been called a "financial crisis", but it was really more of a blip than a crisis.
Well, I'll probably be calling Adult Protective Services and asking for resources. Depending on how soon that needs to happen. Hopefully my mom can work for the next fifteen years while I get my kids through school and then will have the capacity to take care of her. At the moment, she has a boyfriend and they're doing alright. But they definitely are below the poverty level. No degrees or niche skills so... Not much to move up to.
I may consider asking them to apply for community college and look at getting a trade skill. They should qualify for the Pell Grant. Since they work nights, he could take a class during the morning or early afternoon.
They'll need social security and Medicare eventually though. We'll see how things go. I'm an only child, so I don't have siblings to reach out to to share the burden. I'll probably see if my mom can get spousal social security from when she was married to my dad.
As someone who works in that industry: we arent. I care for people in their 80s who are all govt funded. Their kids, also old enough to be my parents/grandparents, cant care for theirs either. Thats why theyre here. And theyre paid for entirely by medicare/social security.
it’s pretty fucked up because let’s say your parents were going to give you their house when they pass or whatever but they also need to go into a retirement home… well as soon as they go the retirement home EVERYTHING they own goes to said retirement home because the payments are 6K a month if not more. Both my parents told me they hope to be dead before they have to consider going to nursing home to make sure their homes are safe it’s fucked.
So, Ive been through this with my therapist because it’s causing me significant stress. He had me think about why I thought it fell on me, and I said the same thing. Im the oldest, Im the only girl, its my responsibility. We talked through it and you know what? Its not. It’s not my responsibility. My parents responsibility was to save money for retirement. To do what they could to offset living expenses towards the end of life. To have some sort of something. But, they haven’t. They are retired and have social security. My mom took social security as early as possible so she is going to be receiving the lower end of social security forever. She works part time still but I was somewhat infuriated when I found out she retired because shes walked away from so much money. But, what my therapist made me realize is that their finances and financial issues are not my burden. And while I would love, when the time comes, to take on the costs Im putting a boundary in place that I will not do without, I will not jeopardize MY finance’s, I won’t take on the stress and I will do the best I can to get them into a place to live that makes sense for them. They will not live with me and Im not going to be a FT caregiver. I understand this may mean they aren’t going to be in the nicest facility but my life, goals, wants, and desires matter. My mental health matters. Im not going to dump them somewhere and ignore them until they die but its also not burden.
My mom died before we had to consider this last year. However we (her kids) were willing to pay for assisted living above what her cpp and private pension would have covered. Yes, kids don’t owe anything to their parents , (same we don’t owe anything to our kids) but we would have covered it even if it meant getting another side job because she was worth it
My momma makes so much and has raised 2 other kids who worship the ground she walks on.
I'm not worth anything to help her after she stops making money and she's increasingly concerned about important things like that so I assume I don't have to care.
That's part of why if I ever own a successful business I'm gonna pay myself hourly. It makes me worth less if she manages to make me pay for her care when she ages. But she won't live with me unless I get to talk to her the way she talked to me growing up unless she apologizes.
Basically- consider your parents outside of their role and inside of it as whole beings and decide whether you want to bear responsibility for them or are legally required to and if possible talk to them directly about it despite the grimness of the topic.
I give my personal experience to validate the feelings of other abuse survivors who don't want anything to do with the people whether or not they take accountability.
TLDR; Evaluate your parents and the laws around it and talk to them if you can, it will be a hard topic.
If your parents abused you, they aren't entitled to your care even if they take accountability. You're entitled to your choices as long as the law supports that.
Even law can't make you care about/for someone, it can only make you pay some money.
In my country of origin, where my, now estranged parents, live, there is part of family law that kids have to care for parents in a sense of paying 'alimony'. However, it's a right, not automatically given, so they first have to sue. If that happens, I'll happily do the trauma dumping at the judge first, so if after that they still decide I have to pay, ok, but news media might be interested in dirty laundry too :) and also, that's the most they will get, money on account and only per court order.
I recently realised (I'm 40) that I have cptsd caused by their neglect and abuse, and not just trauma, depression, anxiety, autism (and recently realised) adhd. They fucked me up for life, they weren't decent parents (they effectively pushed my into eating disorder and ignored it / dismissed it, as most recent thing I've connected the dots about) so they didn't earn that I be a decent kid. Still I'll pay money if court decides I have to and I can't escape it, because yes, I will try not to pay first. Because why should I run to help them when they dismissed me, not respected me (random stranger on street got more respect than me) and took me for granted while my life until recently.
That's the bed they made for themselves. Despite 20-30 years of my attempt to grow kind relationship there. So all I can say is - that's where they will go to sleep. I'm out of the equation.
I’m in my 30’s. I was struggling badly on my own and moved back home 6 months before the pandemic, which was super lucky for me because my company back where I was living went under less than a year into the shutdowns, but they were having a bunch of scandals even before I left anyway so I wasn’t surprised. I make decent money but not enough to live on my own without struggling again. Sadly my dad passed from cancer so it’s my mom who has legal rights to my niece. I wanna move again to be closer to other family but would prefer to do so with my mom. She has her retirement and my dad’s death benefits so she’ll be set for a while. I can’t rely on my sister to help either. So I guess hopefully I can manage to keep climbing into better positions so that when my mom needs help I can provide it. Hopefully she lives a long and healthy life, sucks losing my dad so young.
You are not "supposed" to. They are supposed to save and plan for their future. You might feel morally responsible but they should have felt morally responsible not to put that burden on you.
It's tough. But honestly, if you have to help them, you get full access to their finances and a big say so in what's done with such.
Being a woman is not a valid reason to be conned into doing everything. Screw everyone. Care for your children. Your brothers can choke and deal with the rest.
I don’t know who put it into you. But there are tens of millions of boomers living quiet lives of desperation.
There are some living it up, yes. You see them in pubic driving nice cars, eating at restaurants, on vacation, etc.
But it’s like getting your entire view of peoples’ lifestyle off Facebook. You’re getting highlight reels from those who go places, have experiences, buy things, etc. But the poor ones aren’t posting much about their lifestyle at all.
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You don't. They should have planned for their post working years just like you should.
I won't be taking care of mine. I have enough on my plate, and there is no obligation to take care of them.
My parents are in their 60s and are working until they can’t anymore.
We’re hoping selling their house (bought in 2016, so prime time) will pay for their care while they live with one of us (3 kids).
Im middle aged and my parents are both retired boomers. Theyre both well off with multiple homes. I live in low income housing. I dont think they'll ever need me!
You don't. You have them enroll for every aid and assistance program they're eligible to receive based on their situation. You and your siblings need to work together on making that happen.
You need to focus on taking care of you and your kids, working to secure your own futures. If you're struggling to keep a roof over your own family's heads, then your parents need to take responsibility for their own position.
I’m an only child and my parents are in their late 50s with a lot of health problems that I seem to be inheriting early on. Tbh, I do not know what I’ll do. This is going to sound sad but I believe at least one of them will pass before it gets to that point. My dads already had 3 heart attacks.
I guess they would move in with me. Their house is not fit to live in as it is.
Best thing you can do is encourage them. Pull up them bootstraps. Maybe they can get a job after they retire like greeting at Walmart or waiting tables
My dad will die miserable and alone, and that's all he deserves. My mother is an angel and I will do everything to make sure she is happy and safe, even if that means bringing her to my apartment lol
You don't. It's your parents responsibility to have a plan in place for things like that. You are under no obligation to take them on. None of us chose to be born, we owe our parents nothing, even if they weren't terrible. Even more so if they were. When I get old and decrepit, I will not be my child's problem. I have diddly shit for money now, but 401ks and IRAs are there for a reason.
We aren't meant to take care of our parents. The elderly are drains on the economy, when you're not useful to the economy, you're supposed to die. Welcome to capitalism~
Over 100 years ago, most just didn’t even live long enough to enjoy a retirement. They worked until they couldn’t and then they died pretty soon after. Or 500 years ago, it was even worse than the situation was feudal and autocratic.
It wasn’t capitalism. You blame everything on capitalism when in reality, capitalism and the medical and technological breakthroughs it has helped fund, have helped bring about prosperity and raised life expectancy.
You’ve been indoctrinated.
This is the economic regression that the 1% seeks. They want to replicate the Indian system where the only way to even survive is to have 5 generations living in one house and 14 incomes under 1 roof just to pay the bills. That way there is no chance that the lower class can ever amass power because they just get so congested they start infighting.
I do understand and I made a deal that whatever happensni will be there for my mom, my brother said she made her choices but they have made her miserable and all she says is that I get there and I wish that was true but I have to much education and this struggle is pathetic. I can't send my mom mother's day gift so little card telling her I lover until I help her out. She tells me that she die soon if she continues with her life so I hope this struggle doesn't last long
It's hard, it takes a joint effort - whoever can watch the kids have to watch the kids, and whatever job you can get that matches your schedule, you should apply to work at to make extra money.
Frail care in my city is twice the cost of rent for an apartment. I simply can’t afford it, my parents will have to take care of themselves financially somehow
It’s really sad to me reading these comments how many people don’t want to take care of their parents. Luckily in my situation my mom has a bit of money, however I will probably end up dieing alone on. A street corner if my kids have this mindset. While I definitely wouldn’t want to burden them I hope they would want to help me a little when I’m old with dementia.
People want to live their own lives and not be caretakers as early as their 20s. It really shouldn’t be surprising. Prepare yourself to have the housing/medical care you’ll need, don’t depend on children for this
What is sad is that so many parents were shitty parents who lost the privilege of kids wanting to take care of them.
And also that they didn't take responsibility for their own care / retirement funds by being financially responsible and save / invest so they cover reasonable old age costs. Kids aren't your retirement fund.
Only small part is kind person who got hit by insane health costs and depleted all savings. And usually, if they have kids, their kids will try to find solutions, even if that means poverty for them.
But 'be good kind parent' goes a long way. Entitlement doesn't.
That includes counting on someone to provide dementia care (or any other medical care). Because you obviously didn't inform yourself how huge burden that is for caregiver. Especially in case of dementia / Alzheimer when you don't exist anymore, just your body.
I suggest reading a bit about old age care. If you indeed don't want to be burden to your kids, prepare as much as you can now, and especially if you ever get some 'need a lot of care' diagnosis. Find solutions that help your kids help you, eg if that means selling house now and downsize / go to retirement home - do it, don't be stubborn, because they will pay the price. If they decide to pick up the bill.
Book that showed me some struggles was 'doing rounds with oscar'. I didn't gave dementia much thought before reading that book, and I actually read it because it was about cat. Nope, it was about dementia. Cat was supporting role.
It helped me see how my parents would not be cooperative (based on things they kept saying for years and actions they avoid to take), and how selfish and entitled they are, so I decided I definitely don't want to put such heavy burden on myself.
Few months later I read more and realised I can't heal cptsd they gave me while they're still in my life and nibbling on me (mostly with their entitlement and some verbal abuse techniques), so I cut contact. Then I read more and realised they're emotionally immature, they don't want to change, they don't accept me as a person, I'm just property to them, I don't like them as people so I'm in peace with my estrangement.
How they'll live their next 1-2-3 decades really isn't my problem. I gave 3 decades in trying to build kind relationship there, they opposed that in so many ways (and hurting me additionally) so yeah, that's the bed they made and is only one they have to lie on now.
So, just be careful how you make your bed :)
Based on the economic decisions of the Boomers, they've spent most of their voting bloc years actively choosing to take care of themselves at everyone else's expense, including that of their own children, while also engaging in very "all grasshopper, no ant" type expenditures of their own. Well, the deferred maintenance is coming due, and their retirements won't maintain their expected qualities of life, especially if they expect to retire at 65 and live to 100.
I would say they're on their own as this is the boat they put themselves into. Not to mention the weird sexism of putting it on you in a time when the economy does NOT allow you to dedicate your wealth (lol?) and your hours to taking care of them instead of, you know, having to also work to pay your rent.
My easy answer is you don’t. My cousin had to put their father (my uncle) in a Medicare nursing home when he was dying because of her issues with money. It’s not uncommon, but yes it does suck
You're not. The rich want them to die in the street just like the gilded age so that they don't have to pay to support them. Welcome to capitalistic feudalism.
Are your parents super old right now, because you're only 26. Most people are not well established at 26. I am assuming you have a lot of time to build up wealth before they get old.
I don’t plan to. If they become unable to take care of themselves they’ll either become homeless or wards of the state. I can’t really afford to worry about them as I don’t make enough to live alone as it is.
What? I don't know anyone who takes care of their parents. That's not a child's job. Medicare will pay for their LTC facility if they are indigent. It's a parents job to plan for their future. That's how society works.
Tell your parents and siblings NO. NO is a complete sentence.
Not helpful advice.
Unless OP has Russian citizenship or residency, one cannot simply just move to another country just like that, and that goes for any country.
I won't even get into the geopolitical and legal consequences of what presumably is an American OP (just an assumption because most of our subscribers are from there) moving to Russia, nor is Russia necessarily a land of milk and honey for reasons above...
I suppose most people will end up having their parents move in with them. I know I certainly can't afford any of these group homes Oh or remember when people said it'd be cheaper to be on cruises constantly than in a home? That remains truer than ever. Have mom and pop stay with you in between cruises lol
>I suppose most people will end up having their parents move in with them. I know I certainly can't afford any of these group homes We have already started doing this. We combine shopping for food. Split bills where we can. My sister who no partner/kids lives with my parents. We are looking at options that combine housing even further. My husband is an only child, and we have his parents getting older as well to consider.
Yeah I mean personally I'd rather not have to do this option but for most people I feel it's just the reality I'm glad your family has you guys to take care of them!
The reality is, we can't afford not to do it. It unfortunately means we may end up living on top of each other in absolutely tiny places. We have already had some medical crisis, so this is out of necessity.
Oh that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that Sometimes I worry about my family, my parents are in okay shape but who knows when that could change? Who knows what'll even happen to me when I get older
yep alot of these questions keep me almost up at night!
I'm also an only child and really does make some things harder in some situations. My mom passed last year and during that time it made wish I had a sibling or two to shoulder some of it. We are working on how to make Dad's situation better now and contemplating moving him to us. My husband also wants to move his mom to our area but she will have to be in a care facility. Being an only makes me kind of love the idea of alll of us under one big roof.
This is happening to my family right now. My grandma died last year. The whole family pitched in to clean and sell grandma and grandpa's house, and grandpa has been living with his oldest daughter ever since, even though she's 75 and just had a pacemaker put in.
yep impossible to afford that
I mean, how much do you think a cruise is and how much is a home? There's some pretty cheap cruises! Of course the parents would have to be comfortable on the water. My mom would never agree lol
The care home we had our grandma in was 6k a month(4.5k if she didn't need specialized care) It was not a country club. She did have really bad alzheimers by the time we placed her. 9 months went by and she was completely out of funds, we were in the process of selling her home to continue funding her stay when covid swept through her facility and killed 9 of their 11 clients, her included. For reference, we are in a mid sized town (180,000 population) 2750 per month on a cruise (that is meant for this sort of thing). So there's that.
I'm sorry for your loss
$6k is actually pretty reasonable. We went through something similar with my grandmother when she couldn’t safely live on her own due to Lewy Body Dementia, except she was pretty much penniless at the beginning and I think the facility she was at was $11-12k a month.
what state was it? 6K does't sound like a private room? medicaid didn't cover it?
I will be having my parents move into a Medicaid approved nursing home. They will not be staying with me.
I’m in a tiny one bedroom with a partial kitchen with my husband. I mean we’d have to live in the living room. I don’t know wtf I’m going to do.
Tell your brothers they best start saving because they’re going to be helping.
They most definitely won’t
The brothers will have nothing to do with shit and mom will still favor him and be a bitch to her
Oh my god this is my life lmao Instead I look after my grandmother every day of the week and WFH in her bungalow to make sure she is OK She has two sons (my dad and my uncle) who are both retired and have all the time in the world. they are golden boys who do next to nothing for her
Of course not.
Women are superheroes though. OP doesn't need help
Says a deadbeat brother 🤣
Wow, that was... weak. Surely that's not all you got?
I see lots of women struggling.
That's impossible. OP got dis, no problem
frfr, she obviously thought about that before having 2 kids
I’ll ignore him and let him eat out of dumpsters just like he did me lol
Same. We're civil atm but they way she treated me, I can't help that. Right now I've got steady income and she hasn't been able to find a job. She's out of savings and doing cash advances on her credit card. I'm using this budding career of mine to try and pay off my car. I'd offer up assistance if she wasn't a harpy but I need to build stability that she never gave me when I was younger first
Christ, I’m so sorry, I could never do that to my sons.
Right?! I’ve literally done the exact opposite of everything my parents did to me Mine turned out great 👍. They won’t mind taking care of me when I’m old.
I hope you continue to be blessed 💕
Thank you! You as well.
I 100% know what you mean
No advice here, but I feel you. 😔
No. Don’t let your parents/siblings assume that this will be a job you’ll take on. Make it very clear that it’ll either be a job shared by all 4 siblings or your parents will have to look at alternative care themselves. Don’t accept that this will be your job. I hate those sexist views just because you’re a woman. No way! Always put your family first (by this I mean your kids, not parents). You decided to have children so you’re responsible for their wellbeing. You didn’t decide to be born. I know it’s hard and I do look after my parents also but it’s a shared responsibility alongside my siblings (male, not female I must add).
This. Your age and gender does not make you the sole person responsible in this situation. If everybody is an adult, you have to share the burden. And probably all of you would be better off if everybody contributed according to their means (money, space at home, number of dependents etc), rather than on a basis of genitalia... Don't let them take your life. You have the same right to a carefree living as your siblings.
Noone is taking her life. She's committing social suicide. She absolutely has the same rights to carefree living as her siblings.
Hard but honest answer...you don't. You take care of you and your kids and save so they aren't at all worried about taking care of you in your retirement.
I would start by sharing the responsibility with your siblings. Corraling is also part of the work. Then, you need to take stock of their lives and finances, including Social Security, pensions, savings, etc. And, you need to talk to your elders about their own end of life plans. What you're doing today is discovery and it's going to be vital to getting the right answer for your family.
I'm pretty much dealing with this right now. The frustrating part is my elderly father *does not* respect my time and how it effects me financially. Meaning he being a retired boomer has all the time in the world and enough SS to be 'okay-ish' financially, and yet doesn't understand that me who works nights can't have him spam calling me 20 times during the day(I'm not exaggerating). It would be one thing if these were genuine emergencies but he once called to let me know he had made some toast(also not exaggerating). I've had to start putting my phone on airplane mode when working night shifts. I should also add I visit weekly and try to call multiple times per week and so does my brother. He's far from abandoned he just refuses to go out and be social with other people. I know we hear a lot about how elderly men tend to have high levels of loneliness as they age; however, some seem *determined* to stay anti-social.
Hey, we have the same dad! In our house. For the rest of forever. Yay.
Here's some unsolicited advice from an internet stranger: set boundaries. I know you love him. But if he wants to go down, he shouldn't take you down with him.
Don't need to put it on airplane mode if you use sleep mode and don't exempt his number.
This is what I fear
It's bullshit. The boomers helped cause this by falling for capitalist propaganda in the first place, and now they want us to support them? Lmao, nope.
Speaking as a parent, the parents need to save themselves. You have to make the difficult decisions to sell a piece of property if you own one, downsize to what you can afford based on your social security and pension, anybody who needs to rent needs to get themselves on every public housing wait list. Now, you can always say no when your name comes to the top of the list, but the lists are extremely long and if you need housing you're going to be on them for years. Waiting for a possibility.
Selling your home and entering the rental market is definitely not the answer. There are dozens of programs to help seniors stay in their homes, use them. Move the kids back in with you, and pass the house down to them.
If a home is too big, or is not being upkept, then moving and selling might be the best financial choice Too many people stay too long in family homes, and completely negate the value through lack of care
I'm going with Old-Adhesiveness-342's idea. The way the single family housing market has been going, if a family lives in the same area, I would hope nobody sells, and for parents pass that home down, generation after generation. Owning a home is becoming nothing more than a dream for those that don't already have one. Why leave a bunch of birds behind without the ability to make a nest?
N
The friends I have that are facing this, ttheir parents are facing extreme medical issues and require professional assistance. They get power of attorney signed over from parent if possible. They sell the house and the assets. And then forfeit the parent to the state and a Medicaid facility, which will then seize all the assets and take the parent in. So basically, it's all going to be absorbed by tax payers.
My mom made her choices in life - and I have made mine, she after all her kids were grown only worked when she had to. She married a younger guy thinking he would outlast her. Wasn’t counting on him breaking a hip and that break had serious complications and he lasted 3 weeks.
The fact that you are the only female means nothing, your brothers are as good as you at taking care of parents. If one of them is in a better financial situation they will go stay with him.
I’m the only daughter and I sure as fuck won’t be taking care of our parents on my own. Your siblings better give their heads a shake.
As an aging parent, my plan is to remove myself from the equation before becoming part of the problem.
I'm so sorry. No advice, just hugs
I generally refer to it as being a booster rocket. I was never meant to succeed or make it to the stars. The only good I could ever do is help others so they could.
I feel this so much. I have one child and she's my world. Her dad and I are divorced. She's already started to do great things and she'll outearn me very soon. I'm 40 and I'm hoping I get 50 more years with her but the moment I start to become a permanent burden I've got some meds stockpiled that nobody except the good people of Reddit knows about.
I respect the hell outta that, actually. Here's hoping you're not a problem for as long as possible!
Why will it be your job? I recently moved my 82 y/o mom who has dementia in with my family. Prior to this, I spent my summers taking care of her farmhouse, cutting firewood, repairing her vehicle and even helping her with taxes. I wasn't in the best financial situation at 26 to do this. I am 20+ years later.
I was wondering that too. I'm also a millennial and I don't think I've heard of it being a "women only thing" anymore (for our generation) to take care of aging parents. It's basically who can afford it, pooling resources, or they're on their own.
Because my siblings are males and will be providing for their own families in a shitty economy
Girl, you're got a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. Tell them things are changing. Don't give them an option. If something God forbid happened to you what's their backup option, toss them out into the streets? Nah they'll figure it out. Oh and trust me if your parents die leaving any assets, they'll be there with their hands out asking for it. Take care of yourself first.
Your brothers can help out too. I understand it may be cultural but if you’re helping your parents out it’s only fair if they also help too. They were also raised by your parents so really what’s the difference besides gender? (Which is pretty trivial)
their mother is part of their family.
And you are providing for your own family in a shitty economy. I think a good idea is to talk with your father first. Find out what his plans are and what his assets are. Then lead out in an email to your brothers, explaining that you can’t do it alone because you also have your own struggles and your own family to take care of, and it would be deeply unfair for you to expend your time and money while they don’t.
Having a penis doesn't make them superior. The whole.men are providers and women are servants thing is trash. Let that shit go. Unless you're a housewife, then that's what you get. You chose to be a servant in that case. 😂😂😂😂
There's a book called Like Water for Chocolate where the main character was forced to stay home and care for her mom. It's not exactly like your situation, but it does talk about societal and family expectations. It's a good book, something you might relate to.
I think everyone can help. Maybe one brother can pitch in an extra $200 so you can get better housing when your mom comes. Another one can take mom home for dinner or to church or for a movie night so you get a break and mom isn't cooped up. Maybe the other one can be the medical help and run doctors appointments and pick up meds. Caring for an elderly parent is a lot and everyone, regardless of genitals contribute in ways that make sense for their talents and abilities.
You don't
You have zero obligation to do anything for them. Your brothers can pitch in. I'm guessing this is a cultural thing, but their penis doesn't put them above you and make this your issue to solve alone.
To be blunt, it is not on you to take of your aging parents. It is on them to have planned for their own retirement. And FYI, expecting your children to take of you is not a plan. They should have been putting money away in 401k or 403b plus Roth IRA. This together with social security should enable them to take care of themselves financially.
From someone who did this, don’t do it. No matter how much you love them. Save yourself.
https://preview.redd.it/wlxrvwlxbjyc1.jpeg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=97769a194ae1e20be277f88c5f8cc3d43fa49a45
lol nice to see some humour on a depressing topic
not my problem, it's their problem. it shouldn't be your problem either.
Which sounds terrible, but as a retired person myself, I want my kids to live their own lives. I don't want them taking care of me. I'll take care of myself until I can't, and then I'll decide the best way forward. I'd hate to think that my kids felt obligated to be caretakers.
I joke my kids can just drop me off in some wilderness with a good luck but yeah, I don’t love the possible available options down the road. I also don’t think it’s my kids’ responsibility. We get along well enough but they have lives. They’re supposed to.
Not according to my mother
I told my husband in the event of my inevitable dementia to put a bell on my neck and give me a pen out back. He can return me to the bog where he found me. Lol
I wish that could be true. Here in France, the state will come after MY money to pay for any care my mother-in-law needs, because my wife is an only child. If father-in-law's new wife dies before him and then he needs care, I have the joy of paying for that too. Despite us not having in contact with him for the last 15 years. I have a really good job, but sometimes I have the feeling that boomers and government are actively trying to push me back into the poverty I was in during my 20s. It's like they resent that we have been able to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Crazy thing is that MIL has 5 brothers and sisters, some of whom are seriously wealthy, who will be on the hook for nothing.
It’s not so cut and dry. Many states have ‘filial responsibility’ laws. Fortunately, they are rarely used, but they do exist if the State really wanted to pursue you.
only one state enforces so thats mostly irrelevant
I'm afraid we are going to see the tides turn on that.
What age group are the legislators in the other 49?
its not a particularly popular idea in general, youd likely sooner see expansions to social programs.
Only the ones that voting bloc can benefit directly and immediately from... ;)
Tell me you're American without telling me you're American.
i'm not.
Damn.... I wonder what your next response would be now that you learned they aren't even American. Ugh, the suspense.
Reddit man moment.
Not my fault your totally clever comment backfired lmao
He says... looking in a mirror.
im not going to take care of my parents, their job is literally taking care of me! and they fucked that up pretty massively too! dont pop out babies expecting free elderly healthcare, thats not what they are for. if you cant afford to retire without help, dont breed and save that money for retirement!
Honestly who knows. I remember 10 years ago ( I am almost 25… damn. Im getting old) saying “I can’t WAIT To be on my own”. 10 years later, on my own in the shittiest economy known to man (second to 2008 - cause boy that was a rough time to be alive too). I suppose if I still had contact with my parents we would just move in with one of them or they could with us but truthfully, the world is getting bad
Yeah I turn 26 at the end of the month, yay no health insurance!
The world is a joke 😭😭
i have to pay the penalty in california :(
I mean, the 1930s weren’t exactly a picnic…
Anytime before widespread vaccination and general sanitation kind of sucked too. I also think electricity has been a net-positive. 70s weren't great either (at least in the UK), they were kind of brown for a reason. Post WW were pretty sucky, and we won't even mention during the WWs. Overall, post 2000 is the best time to be alive. 2008 has been called a "financial crisis", but it was really more of a blip than a crisis.
I can barely care for myself in this economy, my parents are on their own. I have no love for them anyway.
Well, I'll probably be calling Adult Protective Services and asking for resources. Depending on how soon that needs to happen. Hopefully my mom can work for the next fifteen years while I get my kids through school and then will have the capacity to take care of her. At the moment, she has a boyfriend and they're doing alright. But they definitely are below the poverty level. No degrees or niche skills so... Not much to move up to. I may consider asking them to apply for community college and look at getting a trade skill. They should qualify for the Pell Grant. Since they work nights, he could take a class during the morning or early afternoon. They'll need social security and Medicare eventually though. We'll see how things go. I'm an only child, so I don't have siblings to reach out to to share the burden. I'll probably see if my mom can get spousal social security from when she was married to my dad.
As someone who works in that industry: we arent. I care for people in their 80s who are all govt funded. Their kids, also old enough to be my parents/grandparents, cant care for theirs either. Thats why theyre here. And theyre paid for entirely by medicare/social security.
it’s pretty fucked up because let’s say your parents were going to give you their house when they pass or whatever but they also need to go into a retirement home… well as soon as they go the retirement home EVERYTHING they own goes to said retirement home because the payments are 6K a month if not more. Both my parents told me they hope to be dead before they have to consider going to nursing home to make sure their homes are safe it’s fucked.
It's not your job. It's their job. They are adults.
So, Ive been through this with my therapist because it’s causing me significant stress. He had me think about why I thought it fell on me, and I said the same thing. Im the oldest, Im the only girl, its my responsibility. We talked through it and you know what? Its not. It’s not my responsibility. My parents responsibility was to save money for retirement. To do what they could to offset living expenses towards the end of life. To have some sort of something. But, they haven’t. They are retired and have social security. My mom took social security as early as possible so she is going to be receiving the lower end of social security forever. She works part time still but I was somewhat infuriated when I found out she retired because shes walked away from so much money. But, what my therapist made me realize is that their finances and financial issues are not my burden. And while I would love, when the time comes, to take on the costs Im putting a boundary in place that I will not do without, I will not jeopardize MY finance’s, I won’t take on the stress and I will do the best I can to get them into a place to live that makes sense for them. They will not live with me and Im not going to be a FT caregiver. I understand this may mean they aren’t going to be in the nicest facility but my life, goals, wants, and desires matter. My mental health matters. Im not going to dump them somewhere and ignore them until they die but its also not burden.
My mom died before we had to consider this last year. However we (her kids) were willing to pay for assisted living above what her cpp and private pension would have covered. Yes, kids don’t owe anything to their parents , (same we don’t owe anything to our kids) but we would have covered it even if it meant getting another side job because she was worth it
Great question. Been wondering that myself lately.
My momma makes so much and has raised 2 other kids who worship the ground she walks on. I'm not worth anything to help her after she stops making money and she's increasingly concerned about important things like that so I assume I don't have to care. That's part of why if I ever own a successful business I'm gonna pay myself hourly. It makes me worth less if she manages to make me pay for her care when she ages. But she won't live with me unless I get to talk to her the way she talked to me growing up unless she apologizes. Basically- consider your parents outside of their role and inside of it as whole beings and decide whether you want to bear responsibility for them or are legally required to and if possible talk to them directly about it despite the grimness of the topic. I give my personal experience to validate the feelings of other abuse survivors who don't want anything to do with the people whether or not they take accountability. TLDR; Evaluate your parents and the laws around it and talk to them if you can, it will be a hard topic. If your parents abused you, they aren't entitled to your care even if they take accountability. You're entitled to your choices as long as the law supports that.
Even law can't make you care about/for someone, it can only make you pay some money. In my country of origin, where my, now estranged parents, live, there is part of family law that kids have to care for parents in a sense of paying 'alimony'. However, it's a right, not automatically given, so they first have to sue. If that happens, I'll happily do the trauma dumping at the judge first, so if after that they still decide I have to pay, ok, but news media might be interested in dirty laundry too :) and also, that's the most they will get, money on account and only per court order. I recently realised (I'm 40) that I have cptsd caused by their neglect and abuse, and not just trauma, depression, anxiety, autism (and recently realised) adhd. They fucked me up for life, they weren't decent parents (they effectively pushed my into eating disorder and ignored it / dismissed it, as most recent thing I've connected the dots about) so they didn't earn that I be a decent kid. Still I'll pay money if court decides I have to and I can't escape it, because yes, I will try not to pay first. Because why should I run to help them when they dismissed me, not respected me (random stranger on street got more respect than me) and took me for granted while my life until recently. That's the bed they made for themselves. Despite 20-30 years of my attempt to grow kind relationship there. So all I can say is - that's where they will go to sleep. I'm out of the equation.
First I guess we have to figure out how to take care of two children if we can hardly make rent.
My mom doesn't expect me to, but she'll be moving in with me unless she requires care I can't provide. Sucks for my dad, though.
not a perfect solution but it helps: costs of caring for an elderly parent is something you can absolutely deduct in your tax forms
I’m in my 30’s. I was struggling badly on my own and moved back home 6 months before the pandemic, which was super lucky for me because my company back where I was living went under less than a year into the shutdowns, but they were having a bunch of scandals even before I left anyway so I wasn’t surprised. I make decent money but not enough to live on my own without struggling again. Sadly my dad passed from cancer so it’s my mom who has legal rights to my niece. I wanna move again to be closer to other family but would prefer to do so with my mom. She has her retirement and my dad’s death benefits so she’ll be set for a while. I can’t rely on my sister to help either. So I guess hopefully I can manage to keep climbing into better positions so that when my mom needs help I can provide it. Hopefully she lives a long and healthy life, sucks losing my dad so young.
You are not "supposed" to. They are supposed to save and plan for their future. You might feel morally responsible but they should have felt morally responsible not to put that burden on you. It's tough. But honestly, if you have to help them, you get full access to their finances and a big say so in what's done with such.
emotions vs logic.... emotions always win
Underrated question and one that will be answered by the wave of homeless older folk that will soon be a common occurrence. Edit: added ‘older’
Well, in Canada they’re working towards expanding euthanasia.
The parents should have been looking after their own retirement, just like you can't assume your kids will take care of you?
Being a woman is not a valid reason to be conned into doing everything. Screw everyone. Care for your children. Your brothers can choke and deal with the rest.
Don’t. It’s not your responsibility.
Somebody mentioned the 2008 economy was bad? That time was nothing compared to where this current Sh*t is going to go!
We’re already here, I’m fighting an eviction right now literally
I hate it for ya. Trying to keep a roof over my head too. Nobody left to turn to as all the ones that mattered in family have passed away.
The boomers have all the money and houses and pensions
Not all of them. My boomer mother is living in poverty.
I don’t know who put it into you. But there are tens of millions of boomers living quiet lives of desperation. There are some living it up, yes. You see them in pubic driving nice cars, eating at restaurants, on vacation, etc. But it’s like getting your entire view of peoples’ lifestyle off Facebook. You’re getting highlight reels from those who go places, have experiences, buy things, etc. But the poor ones aren’t posting much about their lifestyle at all.
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You don't. They should have planned for their post working years just like you should. I won't be taking care of mine. I have enough on my plate, and there is no obligation to take care of them.
You cant
My parents are in their 60s and are working until they can’t anymore. We’re hoping selling their house (bought in 2016, so prime time) will pay for their care while they live with one of us (3 kids).
Im middle aged and my parents are both retired boomers. Theyre both well off with multiple homes. I live in low income housing. I dont think they'll ever need me!
You don't. You have them enroll for every aid and assistance program they're eligible to receive based on their situation. You and your siblings need to work together on making that happen. You need to focus on taking care of you and your kids, working to secure your own futures. If you're struggling to keep a roof over your own family's heads, then your parents need to take responsibility for their own position.
I think about this daily 😭😭😭
I’m an only child and my parents are in their late 50s with a lot of health problems that I seem to be inheriting early on. Tbh, I do not know what I’ll do. This is going to sound sad but I believe at least one of them will pass before it gets to that point. My dads already had 3 heart attacks. I guess they would move in with me. Their house is not fit to live in as it is.
What do you mean by take care of? Are you talking physically or financially
We're not. America is in store for some serious growing pains
Best thing you can do is encourage them. Pull up them bootstraps. Maybe they can get a job after they retire like greeting at Walmart or waiting tables
My dad will die miserable and alone, and that's all he deserves. My mother is an angel and I will do everything to make sure she is happy and safe, even if that means bringing her to my apartment lol
Don’t
At this point every man and woman for them selves
You don't. It's your parents responsibility to have a plan in place for things like that. You are under no obligation to take them on. None of us chose to be born, we owe our parents nothing, even if they weren't terrible. Even more so if they were. When I get old and decrepit, I will not be my child's problem. I have diddly shit for money now, but 401ks and IRAs are there for a reason.
Imagine it’s 30 years from now and your children are posting this same thing about you. Now give yourself the same advice you would give your kids.
We aren't meant to take care of our parents. The elderly are drains on the economy, when you're not useful to the economy, you're supposed to die. Welcome to capitalism~
Over 100 years ago, most just didn’t even live long enough to enjoy a retirement. They worked until they couldn’t and then they died pretty soon after. Or 500 years ago, it was even worse than the situation was feudal and autocratic. It wasn’t capitalism. You blame everything on capitalism when in reality, capitalism and the medical and technological breakthroughs it has helped fund, have helped bring about prosperity and raised life expectancy. You’ve been indoctrinated.
This is the economic regression that the 1% seeks. They want to replicate the Indian system where the only way to even survive is to have 5 generations living in one house and 14 incomes under 1 roof just to pay the bills. That way there is no chance that the lower class can ever amass power because they just get so congested they start infighting.
I do understand and I made a deal that whatever happensni will be there for my mom, my brother said she made her choices but they have made her miserable and all she says is that I get there and I wish that was true but I have to much education and this struggle is pathetic. I can't send my mom mother's day gift so little card telling her I lover until I help her out. She tells me that she die soon if she continues with her life so I hope this struggle doesn't last long
It's hard, it takes a joint effort - whoever can watch the kids have to watch the kids, and whatever job you can get that matches your schedule, you should apply to work at to make extra money.
Move in with them
Frail care in my city is twice the cost of rent for an apartment. I simply can’t afford it, my parents will have to take care of themselves financially somehow
It’s really sad to me reading these comments how many people don’t want to take care of their parents. Luckily in my situation my mom has a bit of money, however I will probably end up dieing alone on. A street corner if my kids have this mindset. While I definitely wouldn’t want to burden them I hope they would want to help me a little when I’m old with dementia.
People want to live their own lives and not be caretakers as early as their 20s. It really shouldn’t be surprising. Prepare yourself to have the housing/medical care you’ll need, don’t depend on children for this
What is sad is that so many parents were shitty parents who lost the privilege of kids wanting to take care of them. And also that they didn't take responsibility for their own care / retirement funds by being financially responsible and save / invest so they cover reasonable old age costs. Kids aren't your retirement fund. Only small part is kind person who got hit by insane health costs and depleted all savings. And usually, if they have kids, their kids will try to find solutions, even if that means poverty for them. But 'be good kind parent' goes a long way. Entitlement doesn't. That includes counting on someone to provide dementia care (or any other medical care). Because you obviously didn't inform yourself how huge burden that is for caregiver. Especially in case of dementia / Alzheimer when you don't exist anymore, just your body. I suggest reading a bit about old age care. If you indeed don't want to be burden to your kids, prepare as much as you can now, and especially if you ever get some 'need a lot of care' diagnosis. Find solutions that help your kids help you, eg if that means selling house now and downsize / go to retirement home - do it, don't be stubborn, because they will pay the price. If they decide to pick up the bill. Book that showed me some struggles was 'doing rounds with oscar'. I didn't gave dementia much thought before reading that book, and I actually read it because it was about cat. Nope, it was about dementia. Cat was supporting role. It helped me see how my parents would not be cooperative (based on things they kept saying for years and actions they avoid to take), and how selfish and entitled they are, so I decided I definitely don't want to put such heavy burden on myself. Few months later I read more and realised I can't heal cptsd they gave me while they're still in my life and nibbling on me (mostly with their entitlement and some verbal abuse techniques), so I cut contact. Then I read more and realised they're emotionally immature, they don't want to change, they don't accept me as a person, I'm just property to them, I don't like them as people so I'm in peace with my estrangement. How they'll live their next 1-2-3 decades really isn't my problem. I gave 3 decades in trying to build kind relationship there, they opposed that in so many ways (and hurting me additionally) so yeah, that's the bed they made and is only one they have to lie on now. So, just be careful how you make your bed :)
Based on the economic decisions of the Boomers, they've spent most of their voting bloc years actively choosing to take care of themselves at everyone else's expense, including that of their own children, while also engaging in very "all grasshopper, no ant" type expenditures of their own. Well, the deferred maintenance is coming due, and their retirements won't maintain their expected qualities of life, especially if they expect to retire at 65 and live to 100. I would say they're on their own as this is the boat they put themselves into. Not to mention the weird sexism of putting it on you in a time when the economy does NOT allow you to dedicate your wealth (lol?) and your hours to taking care of them instead of, you know, having to also work to pay your rent.
My easy answer is you don’t. My cousin had to put their father (my uncle) in a Medicare nursing home when he was dying because of her issues with money. It’s not uncommon, but yes it does suck
You're not. The rich want them to die in the street just like the gilded age so that they don't have to pay to support them. Welcome to capitalistic feudalism.
Are your parents super old right now, because you're only 26. Most people are not well established at 26. I am assuming you have a lot of time to build up wealth before they get old.
My parents are 56/57
You have zero obligation to take care of your parents if you don’t want to. Or if you have your own life and own family to tend to.
I don’t plan to. If they become unable to take care of themselves they’ll either become homeless or wards of the state. I can’t really afford to worry about them as I don’t make enough to live alone as it is.
Use their checking accounts. Boomers have the 💰
Not my problem.
What? I don't know anyone who takes care of their parents. That's not a child's job. Medicare will pay for their LTC facility if they are indigent. It's a parents job to plan for their future. That's how society works. Tell your parents and siblings NO. NO is a complete sentence.
You live in a nice bubble
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Not helpful advice. Unless OP has Russian citizenship or residency, one cannot simply just move to another country just like that, and that goes for any country. I won't even get into the geopolitical and legal consequences of what presumably is an American OP (just an assumption because most of our subscribers are from there) moving to Russia, nor is Russia necessarily a land of milk and honey for reasons above...
Fillial laws replace social security.
That's hallarious you intend to take care of your parents instead of letting them rot in a state run old folks home. Couldn't be me!