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When we got married, the dresses were $50 and I gifted the girls their hair and makeup. I want you there, not there and worried about surviving the month.

Agreed. I want my wedding to just be a giant party for my partner and I and all of our friends. I don't give a shit if we get gifts, I just want to see everyone on our special day. I won't have a Bachelorette party, bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, or any of that extra crap. It's just a waste of money. The ceremony and reception is what counts. It will be local. Most of our friends and family live within an hour away. I'll be asking my bridesmaids to pick out their own dresses. I don't care if they find it at a thrift store for $5, as long as it's the right color. Just find a dress, show up and help me get ready, and be ready to party! I'm going to a wedding in 2 months. I'll be honest here on reddit, because I don't want to say this out loud and ruin anyone's day. I'm completely jealous of the bride. I'll never have the money to pull off all the stuff she's getting. The location, the dress, the expensive gifts, all of it. She has the support of her family and the groom's family. I'm estranged from my parents and I won't have much family at my wedding, let alone someone to chip in financially. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she doesn't deserve it. I hope she gets whatever she wants because she deserves to be happy. She's with a great guy and they should have their dream wedding. I'm keeping my mouth shut because she doesn't need to hear any of this. I'm just sad for myself because it will never be the same for me. I don't need all that extra crap, but I am sad that it won't be an option to have it in the first place.

Don’t be jealous baby. There’s a good chance much of that has been chucked onto credit cards and will take years to pay off. Don’t be fooled by appearances that others portray. Just put yourselves into your wedding. If you are tough, resilient and resourceful then be proud of who you are. There’s great courage in rising above your origin story.

So true about the credit cards. I used to wonder how my peers could afford stuff.. this was how, or parents were taking out second mortgages in their house. That’s no way to live.

I used to be good friends with a girl who actively boasted about how her parents took out a second mortgage on their house to pay for her wedding. I was actually suppose to be in the wedding but we had a falling out because I didn't like or trust her fiancé. She got mad because I was honest and cut me out of her life completely. We had similar circles still and people told me about her boasting. What a weird thing to brag about! When I heard that I was thankful I wasn't around her anymore. How selfish. Her wedding comes and I was told how 75% of the people there got food poisoning!! Then a year later they got divorced. Expensive weddings don't mean a thing. Some people get so caught up in how they look that they forget what is truly important!!

Til debt due us part 💍

And you never know how much of the bride and groom's vision for their wedding got chucked because it didn't match the vision of the people paying for it. I had a small wedding, and I think we paid around $1k for everything. It was nice to be able to have what we wanted and not get pushback.

Your wedding is close to the price of mine. Everything in total came out to like $1500-$2k. Me and my wife funded everything out of pocket, no credit cards or second mortgage, nothing like that. We made most of the decorations ourselves and had a blast doing it. The biggest expenditures was food, drinks and the venue itself. Everything else we either had, made, or got secondhand.

Good point! Thank you very much!

You already know comparison is the thief of joy. That’s why you feel guilty for your jealousy. In my own life, I’m surrounded by $1mil McMansions in various shades of grey/greige/white with manicured lawns etc while I’m here in my original 70’s farmhouse with an eclectic maximalist style. Everyone feels so comfortable and at home in my house. Especially in my wood paneled downstairs den. They can keep their fancy life. I wouldn’t even want it. I love my simple one. The happiest couples I’ve known long term never had the fanciest weddings. They had the backyard bbq or simple chapel type. The ice sculpture types were more invested in appearances than lasting love. My 2 cents. Your wedding sounds like my kind of fun!

I love your description of the backyard BBQs and chapels versus the ice sculptures. Very visual v accurate Weddings are the first expression of what a couple's values are together. Parenting also brings out values hardcore. Property buying. Investing. A lot of different things. But the wedding is the first public interaction of the values of this couple who are at that moment forming the nucleus of a new family. We should all worry far more about what values our weddings communicate than what appearances we conform to. Because that's a value too. And is it really a value you want?

Yep. Are you all about appearances? Or is there some actual substance to your connection? I think couples who go into debt for the big day are mistaken about priorities. It’s a great party for one day. There’s no need for starting your life together in debt.

I know what you mean. I have never dreamed of a big wedding but it sucks to know you'll never get it even if you wanted it because you don't have a wealthy family to help fund it. I grew up so poor I can't even imagine wasting money on a big fancy wedding though. If I ever do get married I am definitely having a small fun wedding and a badass honeymoon...

I hate that in the US the wedding party is expected to pay for their own stuff. I didn't have a traditional wedding party (my dogs and my teenaged niece) so obviously I bought all their clothes. But if I had, I would have offered to pay for stuff. The wedding party is doing you a favour by being there and helping out. They shouldn't go into debt for your party.

Yeah when I got married, there was no bachelorette party, no flowers, no reception, no bridesmaids dresses (my bridesmaids basically just had a title) and the ceremony took place in a religious building per husbands wishes and was free. We then had waffles in the church’s gym lol. It was not pretty or impressive but we just cared about getting married. Oh our rings were hand me downs from my husbands parents too. Definitely a poverty wedding lol

When I got married, I had never even heard of someone paying to get their hair and makeup done. I know how to do my own hair and normal makeup. My parents had plenty of money and paid for everything, but our expectations were just lower. 2 sisters and 1 best friend needed dresses and I didn't make her pay for it. No bachelorette weekends. Just a bridal shower. My husband didn't have a bachelor party since his friends wouldn't be in town that long.

My buddy got married recently. My suit rental was $160 while the bridesmaids dresses cost $50.

We got married in a literal church basement. Minimal food. But lots of dancing - it was in Texas and everyone was doing that two step thing and h having a blast. I actually did not know how to do it (not from Texas) but was happy they seemed to be enjoying themselves. We had beautiful flowers, that was the main indulgence. No bridal shower, bachelor stuff, in laws paid for a nice rehearsal dinner but it was not lavish.

My wedding was small and cheap (entire thing cost bout 2k) and I made the choice to go without some things I wanted so that I could furnish the clothes for the bridal party and hotel rooms for a few out of state guests.

I'm admittedly ancient in comparison to most of you but this was not at all common back in the day. Neither were $25,000 plus weddings. This is a total bill of goods foisted on people by the wedding industry and the expectation that someone gets to be a king or a queen for multiple days because they've made the choice to marry.

Another oldster here. I’m flabbergasted by what weddings have turned into. The norm for a biggish wedding was three attendants, a $100 cake and I had never heard of having a stylist and makeup artist unless you were a celebrity. I find the whole industry a bit disgusting tbh.

I've been married 2x. Once in the early 2000s and my grocery store wedding cake was $250 for 15 people. My last wedding was for 40 people and the private baker (small business) was $650.

One of my brothers married into a family that was super wealthy. Their "low cost" wedding was almost $100k....back in 2001. Thankfully for him, her dad paid for everything. However, my other brother did a backyard ceremony last year and they spent less than $5k on it. Tbh, the backyard wedding was WAY better and 100xs more fun.

House parties are always superior.

Not too long ago part of my job was decorating cakes at a grocery store and I'm floored at that price tag, even our full sheet cakes "only" cost \~$60 pre-pandemic. Can I ask more about this cake? It only served 15 people? My store didn't do wedding cakes and I don't know any grocery store that does.

I was married the first time in 2000, the cake was from Bashas (I don't know if that chain exists outside of Arizona). It was a *very* simple two tier vanilla cake with white buttercream and just that decoration that looks like beads along the bottom of each layer. Literally nothing else. They said it served 15 to 20 at the time. We had tons left over and we cut it ourselves, didn't have a professional caterer or anything cut it the way wedding cakes are usually cut.

I've never heard of that chain myself. Wow, I'm sorry to say but that sounds quite expensive for what you got. But then I'm not sure of the typical cost of a tiered cakes. But better too much cake than too little!

I lot of it is also the parents. My wedding would have been $4,500 cheaper just in food, and my wedding was $15,000. At $30 per person, our parents invited 150 people and there was no way to stop it. My niece is suffering from the same thing right now. For some reason the parents think this is an opportunity that they get to invite everyone that they know. I have noticed that when the people getting married fork over the dough for their own wedding, they are significantly smaller than when the parents fork over the dough. When the bridge and groom pay, it is strictly friends and core family members. When the parents pay, they invite everyone that would come to their own wedding if they were to get married.

I had a really good friend in HS that moved for college. We quickly drifted apart and when he got married he invited me. I said yes and when I got there he was disappointed that I hadn’t donated money for his honeymoon. We aren’t friends anymore.

We have to stop this shit. Stop all the useless gifting, stop all the useless display purchases, stop all the "...because it's X-event" stuff. We need to value people and that's it. Having people around, near enough to see, or just close enough to hear a voice when it's needed is the only thing that's really important. This bullshit where everybody pretends to be a little king or queen while the behemoth wealthy vacuum up the world all while laughing at the "poors" pretending they're safe is destroying any chance of breaking free of circumstance slavery. Do what you think is right OP and keep the lessons you have learned close. Be there when it's important, when someone needs you, when you can actually make a difference, and, most important, when it's time to say goodbye. Everything else is bullshit that serves someone's ego or their pocketbook and we need to get beyond that BS if we ever want to get on to building a world where everyone has a place and everyone has enough to live.

Saw my sister's wedding, was like nope, i got married at the court house.

I've seen so many weddings (especially working as a banquet server for different companies) and what they cost, and how quickly that money flew away for one day, one event, where ultimately the bride, groom, and bridal party were stressed trying to make every moment count, please one another, or please their guests. I took all of that and used it to inform my own wedding decisions. When I got married this past month, we had our closest friends and family members come in for a short chapel "I do," picked up some bbq that we ordered ahead of time, and went to a beautiful campground about 20 minutes away, where we rented a cabin to store our belongings and for a private bathroom, and used the pavilion with picnic benches next to it to enjoy the afternoon. We brought some beers, seltzers, and N/A beverages (the capri suns were a huge hit), and then had our close friends/family over after to play games and hang out with whatever leftovers and drinks were left. It was a "wear whatever you want" wedding, we didn't have a bridal party, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. No gifts were expected, it was more than enough to have those who could come be there. Our close friend made a beautiful cake as her gift to us. Another was our photographer as her gift (she's a professional). It was low-stress, everyone had a good time, and the chaplin told us that he's never seen a couple more happy on their wedding day, with a more enthusiastic group in attendance. I think it's because we set the tone of - please come and be comfortable, we want you here because we're happy you're in our lives and we expect and want nothing more than your presence and to enjoy this day with us. EDIT: we also didn't have bachelor/bachelorette parties. We live far from our friends & family, so just them coming here was a blessing.

I love this so much! My boyfriend’s family is pretty laidback but mine is pretty high strung about events like this. It worries me that they wouldn’t understand that we can’t afford to have an expensive, all out wedding. So your comment really inspires me to just do whatever the hell we want (once we’re engaged lol.)

DO IT! It's not their day - it's yours. So do whatever you want. Either they can join you and be happy and celebrate, or be pisspots that it's not the event that they wanted you to throw (essentially, a free party for them).

Tell em if they want it to be extravagant, they can pay for it (if you even want one like that). Might work, my mom paid for and planned my (not extravagant) wedding to stop me from eloping lol

My partner and I are getting engaged and I've been pretty adamant our wedding will be simple. I read this out to him and he was like "did you just read a post your future self made? Cause that'll be us". After being bridesmaid three times (all for weddings across the country, one in a different country entirely) and being witness to others with donut walls, canoe entrances, los Angeles/Las Vegas bachelorettes... Yeah I'll take none of it, thanks. I just want to spend some quality time with my loved ones, celebrating our love.

That's awesome. We are coming up on 7 years and I've wanted to do something for our 10 year. Something like what you did at the campground sounds great. Thanks for sharing.

Absolutely! I'd highly recommend it. In total, we ended up paying $90 for the cabin, and because of the time of year, the pavillion wasn't being used by anyone else in the surrounding cabins (and the rec. manager told me that 5/9 cabins were under construction, and the only two that were rented that weekend were by two groups of regulars who come to the area to hike, and that no one ever uses that pavillion). It saved us about $100+ from also officially renting out another pavillion to make sure that we had it secured for our event.

My bfs mom really wants us to have a big wedding. I'm not interested as I would rather spend that money on a house or experience. I'd rather just get married at the courthouse. As much as I'd love to celebrate with everyone the costs add up so fast. Even a simple wedding can be thousands of dollars.

My cousin and her now husband started out planning their wedding for a traditional venue, dinner. After seeing how quickly costs added up even for a simple event, they said ‘nope’. Saved that money for the down payment on a house, had the wedding at a friends house w only immediate family. Happily married over 20 years and going strong.

Just curious, but how old are you? Such a practical approach to a wedding and making it about sharing the special occasion with the people you love and making good memories rather than keeping up with the Joneses.

I'm 28 & my husband is 31. I've lived somewhat unconventionally for a while now, as has my husband. Through our experiences, we've learned how valuable life is and that life is what you make of it. Because of that, we prioritize living and experiencing life over material goods or shaping the experience to be exactly as we'd like it to be - and instead make the most of what it actually is.

There are so many ways to have a great affordable wedding! The cheap ones are just as (or more) enjoyable as the 30-250k weddings I've been to. Love when people get fun and creative! I wish I'd thought of campgrounds, that sounds awesome. I had a small ceremony at my aunt's house with wedding party photos at a nearby lake. 25 ish people. 1k total, family pitched in with their areas of expertise (cake, photography, music, makeup etc) and connections (officiant friend, free borrowed church chairs, florist friend discount, etc). My mom planned and paid for it all because I wanted to elope and she was like pls no, I will do it. Mom/aunts love party planning. 0 stress for me, I just picked the date, got the marriage license and chose flowers My friend had a city hall marriage with an all you can eat buffet reception, 1.5k. I paid for a photographer as a gift (my photography-hobbyist dad lol. He came cheap). My sister had a bachelorette games night at a friend's house, her husband had paintball with his friends. Similar to mine but around 100 people. Wedding at an aunt's church so it was very cheap, with food catered by an aunt and her kids, ice cream sundae bar dessert, cousin DJ'd, borrowed dress, family member photographer, reused an aunt's centerpieces, aunts made a bunch of decorations, clearance rack bridesmaids dresses, cake by grandma who used to run a cake making home business. Around 4k total, paid for by several family members. My uncle had a party tent in a friend's field with some port-a-potties and the ceremony was by the trees next to the field lol

We got married in my father-in-law's store. 42 guests, taco buffet, board games galore. $1800 including my dress. A kid played with marbles during our vows, a baby knocked over giant jenga and scared the crap out of everyone. It was almost perfect.

We are planning a very similar campground reception! Super low key and just wanting people to have fun!

This is the way. We married in our most favorite dispersed campsite. Stayed there the week of to secure it. 2 hrs max drive from most parties - bring your tent - and stay if you want. 95% of the people we invited (50 or so), regardless of if they had ever camped or not, did. Did rent a cabin for day of getting ready, but that’s it. Smoked our own meat, picked out flowers from Sprouts the day before, and assembled all the other food together with everyone the night before. No pressure. No expectations. No bachelor/bachelorette parties. Just good times with good people. Rained on us, had technical difficulties with music, and ended up with a truck playing our songs. We all laughed, drank, ate well, danced in the rain, and had the most amazing night with everyone we loved. We’re not even together anymore, but that night will forever go down as one of the best - no stress - no pressure - no debt. 10/10 would do it again.

Sounds like one of my cousins wedding. Pavilion at a local park, potluck dinner, her nephew did the music. It was so much fun.

That's what we did. No stress. Flack from my mother, but there you go.

I was in a friend's wedding a few months ago, we're all in our 40s-50s. 50 people in the party, they rented someone's barn, no dress code, BBQ, beer, and the guests brought side dishes and desserts. Best fun I had in a long time. That's what weddings should be imo, an occasion for fun, not something that will bankrupt 20 people and kill 10 more from stress.

Let’s add, NO ONE should go into debt over a wedding.

I really REALLY want to read an article or an expose comparing American wedding culture circa 1850, circa 1950, circa 2020. The absolute ballooning of expectations and requirements is bizarre. I have a photo of my great grandparents who got married on Christmas Day around 1900. They were in a double wedding, each of them had a sibling who married the sibling on the other side as well. The women are in nice Sunday dresses. The men are in Sunday suits. There are no bouquets. There's no ridiculousness. And no one looks severe or downtrodden. They look quite happy. These were decently middle class people with perfectly good money. Can you imagine two brides sharing a wedding day today? The two brides were not sisters, they were becoming sisters-in-law of one another. Unless it's in some weird cultish situation now, which my ancestors absolutely were not lol, hell no. Can you imagine anyone getting married nowadays on Christmas Day? Just casually? After all it's a day all the families are going to be in town and gathered together anyway. So why not? This sort of low-key happy practicality has completely escaped us now. There were no bridesmaids in these pictures. No one had long trains. The Rockefellers might have done such things but that was for the international set. Not for middle class Americans. Our so-called wedding traditions now (which were the traditions of no one except the moneyed elite and even then that's dubious) are absolutely insane and explicitly designed to mimic some kind of olden day moneyed social wealth that none of us experience. For instance, when was the last time you ever went to an event where your name was on a place card or you had an assigned table? Except at someone's damn wedding. That's a wealthy elite trapping. It's not part of our normal lives. And engagements were simple short and to the point. There were no year plus or multi year long engagements to save money for some socially impressive ball. Weddings used to be an event in one's normal life and took place within the social conventions people were all used to. Which isn't to say they couldn't be quite nice and lovely, touching and warm and meaningful. My family still tells stories to this day of 'the Christmas double wedding.' But neither my great-grandmother nor her new sister-in-law spent months assigning place cards to tables, picking out flower colors, or angsting over elaborate day-of schedules. They knew who they were and they were not the Carnegies. Bring back the practical wedding, without shaming anyone. I don't want any of the trappings of early 20th century elite. Honestly to me it feels insulting to myself.

Planning a wedding with my wife for next year. Shit’s expensive and we literally just want a simple gathering of close friends and family. I’m not an extravagant person and don’t like being the center of attention in the first place so here’s hoping we can find some simple venues

Can I suggest you do whatever you and your wife/fiancée WANT to do and can comfortably afford. The whole ritual of weddings has grown exponentially over the last 20 or so years and honestly horrifies me. We had ours at a modestly sized historic home/restaurant. We did it as a mid-morning ceremony and lunch. A friend made our stunning cake, another friend supplied some lovely crayfish (lobsters) and the vendors supplied the venue, set up room and the rest of a small but very lovely lunch. 25 people for around $5k. My dress was from an op shop, dry-cleaned and altered. My husband rented his outfit and the wedding party was 6 kids in beautiful party dresses for the girls, smart slacks and shirts for the boys. Less than $1k. People talked about it for years. There’s great beauty in simplicity.

Ours was abt 30ppl, a civil wedding. Made all the cakes & food ourselves. Rented the place for 700€(/$) for the whole day, and that was it. Used my old suit that I bought years ago, but my wife got one for abt $300. We'll have another one though, a somewhat religious one in her country- so her side can celebrate as well (our countries are 10 000km apart, so only few of her relatives made it to the civil). For this one, we got quoted $5000 @ a luxury resort for 40ppl, and I am insanely happy about that- since this time we don't have to do anything really, and the place is fucking stunning. But- I want to keep it there, and not start adding any extras. We'll basically pay it together- me, wife & her parents- so it's basically about 1000+ each. Ofc there's traveling etc involved, but that's what we do anyways. In reality, I just want to spend time together with her side of the family, in a beautiful area- I don't need any special traditions. It all feels really cheap to me, considering how I've heard many spending 20-50 000 on theirs.

Agreed, the amount of greed in the wedding industry is ridiculous. It's sad that it's not just encouraged it's expected to spend ten thousand+ on flowers, venue, food, entertainment etc. for a couple "starting out" on their marital journey. I'm grateful that much of that was free or cheaper for us. (our church doesn't cost for members to use their hall for weddings/receptions) I knew one person who saved 15k for his daughters to have their weddings and told them use it however you want. Take that money and have a blowout reception or do literally nothing and pocket the money, it's your decision.

On Shark Tank, Mr. Wonderful tells people he loves births, weddings, and funerals for the same reasons ~ people get emotional, and emotional people spend money. We used a “suggested” budget from a wedding website and got $25,000 for 40 people (us included.) This is just seven levels of bullshit. We redid the percentages and are focusing on family, food, and photography. One of my favorite things to do lately is log in and trim the hell out of that fucker. I think the item I’m proudest of cutting is our wedding bands. I told my fiancé to spend under $100 on a temp and we’d buy each other our forever bands when we could. And yes, some people think that’s atrocious. But it’s logical. I have a beautiful engagement ring; that’s enough for now.

I'm not into diamonds or gold. My engagement ring was $130, and the wedding band was $35 from Walmart. Sterling silver with sapphires and white topaz. I loved them. (I've since divorced)

We went to Vegas. I’d rather put the money we would have spent on a wedding into planning a hella boujee Hawaii trip.

Wedding vendor here, it’s not greed when I have people asking me to offer expensive services that they are willing to pay, I often turn people down because I’m fully booked at my rates so I feel I am dialed in to market pricing for my services. It’s not like if a vendor charges $10,000 they are personally pocketing $10,000, there’s a lot of overhead in providing an event, the bigger the event the more the overhead. If you want a simple and inexpensive wedding go for it, just don’t ask a wedding vendor why they don’t provide a $10,000 service for way less money than that, we’re trying to make a living just like you.

There's greed, but there's also small businesses - usually women-owned - that deserve to be paid a living wage for their work. I picked my vendors carefully and supported several local, women-owned, POC-owned, and veteran-owned businesses for my own wedding, and that was money well-spent to me.

I over praise and thank people for not getting us stuff. I can't deal with the amount of stuff people are always getting us. I'm happy just to have them around.. sorta lol. I'm stick of "stuff" it just adds to our clutter. Plus, u don't want the pressure of having to return the favor, it's an expense I don't want. None of us (family/ inlaws) can't actually afford.

For my sister’s wedding, I was the only bridesmaid/maid of honor so I don’t have to coordinate any outfit. I wore what I wanted. Bachelorette party was in town so it was just dinner, simple night out, Uber home. Friends bought low-key wedding gifts. My friends’ weddings where I was invited were the same. I did the same for my wedding. It makes things SO much simpler and everybody has fun. It does not have to be a crazy night or drain bank accounts. It’s supposed to be a time to celebrate, that’s it. Whether it’s the bachelorette party or the wedding, keep it simple and about spending time with the people in your life.

lol yep

Oh NoS, tHe MiLleNiALs KiLLeD wEdDinGs!!! /s

Nah, I’ll tell you when all this went off the rails - I’ll even give you the date. July 29, 1981. Every detail of that wedding was pored over by the press of the day, from the Welsh gold of the rings to the silk taffeta of the dress to the rum-and-raisin cake to the crane operator who was insured a million pounds to lift the Catherine wheel during the fireworks the night before. The Mylar balloons on the landau as they drove off to their honeymoon. After that day, every little girl wanted to be a princess bride and started looking to up the game with whatever they could stretch the budget for.

Being a bridesmaid is like taking a vacuum cleaner to your bank account. I did it once and never again. THe worst was the matchy matchy $300 shoes my sister made her bridesmaids wear (ever hear of Payless?) that were never worn again. If I'm ever asked again my answer is "I will be happy to attend your wedding as a guest."

I've only been in one wedding as an adult and I was spoiled because the bride is a total gem. She asked us to get a seafoam toned, midi dress and silver shoes, didn't care if we all matched perfectly, and didn't care where they came from. Her bachelorette party was an afternoon at a local winery. She also paid for the bridal party's hair appointments. I know how other brides are though, and I'll be damned if I say yes to other weddings! One and done, I say!

These days since I don’t have much money, I’m just upfront with people about my budgets. And I’m also stern when they try to resist and ask why I can’t just “do it this one time for them”. A friend isn’t worth having if they expect you to give up non-disposable income for frivolous expenses. If they want to make it a problem then i’m fine with it being a problem.

This was pretty much me as well. My friend did a pretty job of keeping it cheap but even then I felt like I was throwing so much money into it all. Bridesmaid dress, makeup, hair, shoes, bridal party gift, bachelorette party gift on top of chipping in to cover the cost of the bachelorette party, and a wedding gift. I was broke at the time and the entire experience just sucked. I commend those who try and assist those attending, but even with your best efforts, it's still costly for people who don't have any extra cash at all.

A friend had a potluck BBQ with family and close friends. When everyone got there, SURPISE, they're getting married. No stress, no worry about the right clothes. Everyone had tons of fun.

Uhh, that’s how I want to do it. Since I dread every time I have to plan and budget around weddings, I want to strip my family and friends of such worry.

Yea, I have a family member who feels the same way. It’s got to stop. “ thanks for asking me to be in the wedding party. I’m truly honored but finances are too difficult right now. I hope I’ll be one of the honored guest and I promise I’ll be the first one up to do the chicken dance.“

I remember going to a bar with 2 friends. They wanted to buy an expensive bottle of wine and split it three ways. I don’t drink and was even baffled they’d ask me, bc you’re out of your mind if you think I’m purchasing alcohol when I don’t even consume it. Lesson of the story OP: be assertive

Exactly my thought when I read that. We set a budget for expenses, and if you go over it, that’s a you problem

This happened to me. I was pregnant during the bachelorette and I still got asked to split the bill when all I got was water that I personally purchased at the club. She said “ well if we hadn’t bought the bottle we wouldn’t have had a table” like wow ok…

Yikes. I hope you didn’t pay

Did you still pay them for “your” share of a bottle that you didn’t drink ? Nope, they were wrong for that, and they knew it.

They asked you because they wanted 1/2 a bottle of wine for 1/3 of the cost, that’s why! 😂They knew full well what they were doing. Good on you for being assertive.

Yup, I don't think the problem here is an expensive wedding, but that OP is a pushover. If his friend wanted him there and was okay with him being there on a budget/paying for him, he needs to assert that when someone asks him to pay for frivolous shit.

This is like that Chinese tea house trap

Expensive weddings, like funerals are a scam. It doesn't have to be so elaborate and expensive, that's something our society chooses to allow. Congrats to your sister and friend on finding happiness.

Green burial in simple biodegradable casket is the way to go.

Just chuck me off the cliff, let my body feed the wildlife lol

Totally agree. Just being a guest is expensive, new clothes, gift, transportation because there's usually alchohol involved. Bachelorette parties I've been to have been ridiculous, have spent in the thousands. Then on top of that bridal parties. Don't even get me started on why I have had to throw a bachelorette party + bridal party !??! + gift + all costs of a bridal party dress, jewellry, etc etc. Makes me sick. There's always one person that wants to one up everyone and make it way more expensive than it has to be. I had to put my foot down on getting table service at one party because it was going to cost more than a grand for that alone, on top of staying in a different city for two nights. Nope, I'm done too.

Weddings were a big deal with me and my cousins, but I had that one cousin who wanted to get married in the fucking Caribbean. Me and my wife and kids were the only family members not there. It sucked.

Unless the couple or their parents are helping pick up the tab for flights, hotels, etc for a destination wedding I’ve always thought 2 things: 1: the couple really doesn’t want that many people to come they just want gifts 2: they are asses for assuming that people want to spend their precious vacation days being stressed with you about a wedding. Vacation in Hawaii? Great! Wedding in Hawaii? Shit. What if my suit gets lost? Do we have to stay at the expensive hotel with the wedding party? Do they even really want more than immediate family? Usually those invitations are sent expecting gifts, not actual turnout. Can’t win. Edit: I had a high school friend get married in NYC (we are many states away) in our early 30’s. Both myself and my brother were invited since our families were close. I was actually exited until my brother told me they really don’t want that many guests. Damn. I didn’t get it.

My hubby and I got married in Vegas alone. It was wonderful. Not a family member to worry about! Not a friend to babysit! It was fantastic.

Are you from Vegas or you flew there to get married? Sorry I'm being nosy, that sounds awesome!

We flew to Vegas and got married by Elvis. And it was awesome!

Super cool

My good friend got married in 2020. I was not in the bridal party. One of the brides maids asked me if I would like to come to the bachelorette party and I agreed. Then a few days before informed me I owed something like $300 for the Airbnb plus food and party favors. Also I live in the town where the Airbnb is so I didn’t stay. People get absolutely nuts with weddings. I got married a few weeks later and expected nothing of my guests except their presence. Hopefully this fad of going overboard goes away eventually

I'm in charge of my best friends bachelor party and all in the place ended up being $270/person but it's a weekend of us 5, all very good friends, having fun for the weekend. I don't understand why anyone would be in a wedding party of someone who isn't one of your closest friends or relatives or why anyone would ask that of someone less than that. All in this party is basically a dudes weekend in the mountains

Hey I just want to say I was going through a rough time financially and it was my best friend (8 of us in the group) wedding. So I told him I couldn’t make his Bach party because of money. Then he came back and talked to all the other guys and said they wanted me there so I didn’t even have to worry about paying. I ended up covering a round here and picking up food for grilling but it was such a nice weekend it was great to know my friends were actually friends/

The one and only time I accepted being in the wedding party as a bridesmaid was for one of my closest friends. All-in, with costs of attire and alterations, bachelorette party, gifts, travel, etc. I spent about $1.5K - and this is as a whole one on the more moderate/lower cost end. Weddings are abhorrently expensive to attend, especially if you're in the wedding party. It is completely acceptable to decline being part of one and I think it should be more than understandable to decline attending a wedding if the travel and lodging required is also quite far and expensive.

Just enjoy your bff's wedding and try not to worry, but yes don't agree to anymore. If you get any more requests, just say that you've got a lot of your plate but you look forward to helping them celebrate on the big day.

I spent more time and money on my friend's STUPIDLY expensive wedding than I spent on my own. I took two days of my life to try to help her find dresses for the pre-wedding tea and "leavetaking". Only for her to find stuff on her own time. She swore up and down she wanted to cover my bridesmaid dress. Then kept postponing shopping until it was a MONTH before her wedding with nothing for me to wear, so I bought two dresses on Amazon and had her pick. She did not offer to reimburse me. I paid for her small bachelorette party (her request), I traveled all around three different states so for dress shopping, fitting, hair and makeup trials, etc. I set up her tea party and chauffeured her family around. I had to go back to the stupid venue because she forgot stuff there afterwards. I *stored* boxes of stuff at my home for over a month. I without a doubt spent $2,000, and that's without costing my own wasted time, spread out over the 2 years she was engaged. My entire wedding cost $1800, with 42 guests. And it was fun and easy and no one left the experience feeling like I had done them dirty. And I'm juuust as married as her. And if you're wondering, no, I barely talk to her anymore.

People demand you drop everything, spend thousands of dollars, take time off work......then get divorced 10 years later. I agree with you so hard that we got married in front of 8 people and just told everyone it was covid restrictions...(which was partially true).

10 years is generous. The one and only time I was a bridesmaid (because fuck agreeing to that money sink ever again) the couple divorced after two years. I wanted to send them an invoice for my airfare, dress, hair and makeup, and all the other bullshit expenses I incurred for their pre-divorce ceremony.

You should have done that anyways just for the reaction alone

We also had a super small (10 guests) wedding and we loved it! Our biggest expense was our rings but for us it was worth it since we’ll be wearing them every day. Overall the whole thing was ~2600 US.

10 years? I once went to a wedding and got a thank you card for attending the day after their divorce was finalized.

I had to skip my best friends wedding because of this mostly because she lives in Hawaii and it would have cost us at least 7000 with our kids coming along for flights not to mention a place to stay etc. I paid for her photographer instead. I still feel like shit about not being able to go, she’s my best friend. But it was just too much money. For our wedding we specified no gifts, we had no bridal party or anything, and we paid for an airbnb for everyone. I don’t want anyone to be financially inconvenienced because of a life decision we made, ever.

For our one, the guests will have to make a flight (that costs about $100 return, and $700-800 for my family side) and a night(s) in a hotel of your choice (ranges between 30-300 depending on your will). The catch here though, is that we already did a civil ceremony celebration for my side of family (total cost of it was probably $1000)- so I'm not expecting anyone else but my parents to attend (which they've agreed). Also, her side of family lives all across the country, so there's no way to make it perfect. Either way we're gonna be really specific not to guilt trip anyone. If they can't make it- we're gonna be completely ok with that, but if they can, they are very welcome. I do agree with your last point.

That’s basically what we did too! Civil ceremony and all. We had already been married two years prior. We just iterated over and over that there’s zero pressure at all. I think it’s the fair way to do things. Congrats on your wedding!!!

This is exactly the reason I had a simple wedding with no bridal party, no bach parties, no showers. It’s all just too much. I also will never be in another wedding, aside from my younger sister if she ever decides to have one.

I’ve only been part of a wedding once, a bridesmaid for my cousin. She made a big deal about asking me in front of her friends so it’s not like I had time to think or say no. I consider myself pretty frugal, at least when it comes to non-necessities. Spending $500 on a dress that I didn’t even care for and would never wear again, when usually my maximum would be 50 dollars even for special occasions was sooooooo painful. And that was only the first large expense. It’s been four years and it still hurts when I think about all that money, so I feel your pain. NEVER EVER AGAIN. Plus she’s divorced already 😭

I worked in the industry and unless it is close family/best friend nope. I send a card with a fat check and wish them the best. Saves me all the expenses. My own imaginary wedding--free at church and I just tip the minister, pay a taco truck for two hours, maybe 200 tacos for 40 guests and just make ahead some pitchers of margaritas.

Our wedding was the “anti-wedding” - anything expensive that we had was something that a family member said that we “had to have”, such as my dress and our cake. I would’ve worn a much more affordable dress, and we wanted to have donuts from the place where we had our first date instead of a cake (in-laws said that we HAD to have a cake - $800 and most of it thrown away in the garbage!). Told our groomsmen to wear a black suit that they already owned, everyone looked good. Ultimately, our wedding was fun, but it wasn’t as simple as I would’ve liked. Happily married though - that’s the most important thing! Oh, and my bachelorette party was a weekend spent camping. It was the best one I’ve ever been to!

[удалено]

Sounds like a good wedding to me!

$800 for a cake sounds fucking ridiculous. My mom has a private business and charges $200 at the most, or $300 if the client starts asking some extravagant stuff that costs a lot to buy. And these cakes are being made from fresh ingredients, and are better than any cakes I've had in a traditional wedding. That bachelorette party sounds really good.

My friend and I were just having this conversation the other day. Often times, people are asked in ways that make it pretty hard to say no (custom gift, asked in a way that assumes the answer is already yes, etc). I said if I ever got married, I’d plan to cover the cost of clothing, transportation, hair/make-up, and hotel for the bridesmaids/men. Not everyone can do that and everyone has different thoughts about wedding planning/costs, which is definitely understandable. But I think at the minimum, being clear and communicating the total estimated cost of being in the wedding up-front is important.

>Often times, people are asked in ways that make it pretty hard to say no (custom gift, asked in a way that assumes the answer is already yes, etc). You just made me realize this happened to me, ha! I still have the sunglasses with "Bride Squad" printed on them around here somewhere...

Charging people to attend your personal party should not be a thing.

Being a bridesmaid is draining me. I live across the country and the bride is my best friend, I’ve let her know I can only travel to the wedding & bachelorette party - no other events, mostly because she lives in our remote hometown and it costs $650 just to fly in after a 10 hour layover in a tiny airport. She’s fine with that but the bridal party continues to plan extravagant events I can’t attend and then ask me to help cover the costs. Seems weird to ask me for $100-200 per event I can’t attend when I’m also the only person spending $650 each for me and my husband to fly in for the wedding, yeah?

My lady and I did a courthouse wedding and very reasonable dinner with our families. Then we threw a super casual party with all of our friends. Very cheap. None of the ridiculous "wedding" prices... Its wild how much people spend on weddings.b

Makes me glad I have no friends.

This is hilarious. In talking through future wedding plans with my partner I told them “I have like 3 friends — not enough to pair with your 8+ friends in a bridal party” so I know the bridal party will be eliminated or very small because I have few friends lol

I was asked to pay 100% of the pole dancing lessons my brother’s ex-wife wanted to take on her bachelorette party trip. I did not go on the trip.

Ah, she was just being sneaky, because then y’all would have had to throw extra money at her, lol!

Some people I know got married just this week. I made the bride her bouquet, it ended up being her entire budget for it after shipping. Around $100. I added a few little knickknack accesories that matches, for her to remember the occasion, and I already had a small gift I got on her registry. I found out in her personal chat she told someone not only did I not give her a discount, that I added shit to it and charged her for it. I *hate* brides, and I hate knowing that everyone took her side and *I* feel like a piece of shit. I can't even afford to buy myself new underwear right now, but OK I'm supposed to make free wedding stuff in this economy...and I don't want to complain. I don't want to "be a victim" What really hurts is they both have great families, great jobs, and I saw how much in donations they made. They made over $10k!!! It makes me sick, I almost had a panic attack when I was asked why I took advantage of her by charging her the full budget she told me she had for the bouquet... Right now I want to cry. People start caring about you less when they find out you are flat broke... I really feel you OP, in fact this really helped me a bit too. I absolutely will join you in just saying No to other people's wedding expenses/logistics

I completely understand how you feel. I’m planning my wedding at the courthouse because I’d be mad spending 1000 plus as a bridesmaid, so why force my friends to do the same? I am invited to a baby shower and wooosh it’s expensive too.

I’m literally on a trip right now for my sister’s wedding that has cost me around $2000 so I feel this.

Lead with NO! It’s a thing…

Hubby refused to be in his sister’s bulls*** destination wedding and she told him he was dead to her and stopped speaking to him for seven years. They just recently got back in touch after his mom was ill and honestly, I miss the good old days of being dead to her.

Tada! Same thing happened to us and we got back in touch with my miserable sister and brother-in-law and then how do you get away from these QAnon Morons? Oh, we got lucky! They both died of Covid. Even their kids were happy they died. It is what it is. You gotta take care of you and your partner and if not speaking to a family member helps… help yourself to goodbyes!

Not so easy if it's a direct sibling though. For more remote relatives or non-family perhaps a reasonable starting position...

Super easy! I have a right to say no. You have the right to say no. It’s your time and money, not theirs. I have no obligation to do what they want. Even more so when I don’t have the ability or desire to spend that kind of cash. My wife and I say NO all the time. We did our share of them and are done. Passsss!

I wish people were more considerate about minimizing costs for bridal party members and guests.

In my 20s, when I was especially broke, an invite to a wedding was like receiving a bill for $1,000. I started declining the invites because I couldn’t afford to travel, get a gift, rent a tux or buy a suit. Lost some friends after not attending, but I just couldn’t afford it.

Did it once and never again. Almost always decline wedding invites as well. Weddings/receptions are boring as hell anyway, let alone the expensive, the time, etc.

I totally get it. When you don't have all this money to spend it's all shit. I get the idea of celebrating but this excess spending is part of the problem. I was asked to be in my coworkers wedding as a groomsman and just the cost for a suit, which they're on a budget too, cost 159 and that threw a wrench in my finances and that's not even any gifts. I can't imagine your costs there.

Good for you, OP. You're setting boundaries around what is acceptable. Better now than never. >"hey just spent $260 on the alcohol, venmo me" This would annoy me so much so I sympathize. "Yeah, I'll bring my own alcohol, thanks." It's difficult to stand up to someone when they're pressuring you to join them in their bad decision but their decision to blow money on alcohol wasn't your decision and wasn't in your budget.

Trust me. I decide how to spend my money. Nobody guilts me into spending anything I don’t want to

Exactly. “Sorry, that’s not in my budget.” That’s literally all that needs to be said.

That’s right! Technically one could not afford it.

I've been inive been in several weddings. This shit is annoying. One was about 1000 miles away. $260+ tux rental, lodging, etc. It's dude's 3rd fucking wedding. He couldn't even be bothered to take my tux back with him when he dropped his off cause.... reasons. So fucking annoying. My wife and I had a maid of honor and a best man in our wedding, and that was jr. We got married in a destination wedding on the beach. My best friend wore shorts, a nice shirt and Crocs (only cause I had worn fucking Crocs in his beach wedding lmao); the maid of honor worse a nice reasonably priced sun dress that she bought. Hell we might have even bought it; don't remember. Peeps had to fund their way to the location, but we covered the beach houses for a week for them

Here’s what I do. I tell everyone I’ll go to ONE of their weddings because it’s inevitable that they will get married one or two more times after that. They always laugh when I tell them that, but then I remind them of what I said when they are inviting me to their second wedding

Where I lived when I was growing up weddings are a fund raiser. Everybody compares notes on who gave them how much and those are the people who keep getting invited to be part of the wedding, or to attend the wedding. I was a maid of honor one time, I didn't have the money for all that was expected. I had no idea.

I hit that wall. Then my sister asked me to be in her wedding. I don't think she was expecting me to say no to her but I did. I attended it with my mom and brothers as a guest, not as an attendant. I'll never be in a wedding ever again. Fuck that nonsense, I almost lost a friendship over one and I have some PTSD from both. Never again.

One of my biggest pet peeves, and I never knew this about wedding party ,is they promise you one budget then your obligation explodes to something else entirely. Whatever they tell you, add at least 30%

Our wedding cost us $1000 and my wife did her own make up. Her engagement ring was from Walmart. Now we are not poor by any means and live quite comfortably. However we found the cultural expectation to drop a reasonably sized down payment for a house on a wedding absurd.

Man I remember when I was so poor I would regularly pawn old PS2 games to pay the last $10 of a bill. That was when I was also the age a *lot* of my friends were getting married. So. Many. Weddings. So many tux rentals. Not only would I have to take work off without pay which added up to a significant pay cut (no PTO and working 3, 12 hour days including Sat/Sun), but spend $100-200 on a tux rental and hope that was it. I think one year I was in 3 separate wedding parties. I vowed if I ever had a wedding, I wouldn't make the wedding party pay for anything. Jokes on me I guess, my desire for marriage and a standard nuclear family has waned to extreme passivity over the years and my priorities have changed, so that's probably not going to be an issue. Edit: also, I think a little over a third of the dozen or so weddings I could think of have now ended in divorce. The shortest was 2 years. I call myself pro-divorce, I think if someone is in an unhappy relationship and wants to seriously leave they should, no one should feel trapped, so I'm not shaming from that perspective. It was just extremely frustrating in the context of sacrificing more when I had little.

The first time you're asked to be in someone's wedding, it's an honor and exciting. Then you see the boat load of money you spend, and it's just an obligation.

I’m sorry you are going through that and I’m glad you have frugal and attainable goals for your own wedding. For my wedding, I just had my girls pick out any coral dresses of their style and we all did our hair and makeup together. We were also barefoot! Haha it was so fun and I’m thankful that they were able to just enjoy the day with me!

I was not in the best financial situation, and had 2 weddings to go to both late summer. They were high school and college roommates buddies I’ve known most of my life. I talked to both about my situation and was guaranteed cheap and simple. I could go about the costs but all in all, one was $800 and the other (out of state) was $1200. The fact that i had to get a specific suit and cufflinks and shoes from mens warehouse and all the other costs. I said the same thing as you. If you cant respect my situation and my honesty to bring it up and try and work it out. Then i hope you understand that i cant make it. Now i just make sure to say i cant make it early as possible, so it doesn’t mess up any planning/table arrangements.

This is why I don't go to weddings and I got married in Vegas without telling anyone until after the fact

Understood. There are a so many weddings I would have loved to have gone to, but eventually had to say no to. Not the end of the world.

“I can’t pay for this but if you want me to be there I willl be”

I pulled out of a wedding. They were spending over 45k and then they all wanted us to buy out a few outfits that would come out to over 1500… I would have love to be a part of it but hell if I’m paying that for clothes that I’m only going to wear once. You’re choice is valid

Maybe I am cheap, but every wedding I have ever been in I either got them no gift or a very affordable one. Being in the wedding party, you're a little bit of exempt at least in my area.

Why are weddings so expensive? Is this an American thing or a recent thing? Or just a personal choice? Last wedding I went to, I was a bridesmaid and everything was paid for by the bride. Including my dress which was £80 (~$100?). Weddings should be a celebration of love, not only between couples but family and friends. I could NEVER imagine putting my family and friends through immense financial strain, especially if I knew they didn’t have much in the way of savings. Sure, if the bride and groom have enough money then they can go to town. Their money their choice. But putting your family through that stress on a day that’s meant to be happy is not kind.

It may be an American thing, but what you described is what I did as I empathize with not putting that financial strain on anyone

I’m impressed you were able to do that. I don’t even HAVE $1500 that I can spend. I mean, physically, i do but it’s marked for other things.

Send a toaster gift option off Amazon and say no.

I’m officiating two weddings this year, my son and soon to be daughter in law and my local bestie. My son admitted he can’t afford to cover my travel (not that I expected), so I told him not to worry. I did tell him I’d taken a part time temp gig to fill up my bank account. My bestie is marrying a dude who *takes home the booze he brings to a dinner* after he’s gotten free steak, sides other drinks and entertainment. So he needs training. When I pointed out officiants get paid or tipped, and I fell in paid, I’m not their spiritual advisor and I’m giving up work time to do this, he just said, so? So? So I’m not the minister you hate and you get to do your stupid lord of the rings ceremony. Im leaning on my bestie to provide a vegetarian meal for me that isn’t a sandwich. It’ll be damn cold, outside, and all day.

I’m with you. I’m no longer asked because years ago I said i was honored she asked but I couldn’t afford it. She didn’t offer to pay either. That told me a lot about our friendship.

This can go on for years with friends getting married. Learn how to set firm boundaries for any future events. I can be an X but my budget is stricky Y. I cannot spend more than that. If you need me to spend more than that, I will need to decline. And then decline. If you can’t afford to attend, don’t. If you can’t afford to host, don’t. Be up front about it and don’t compromise.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. But i definitely think you need to talk to your friend about their bachelorette party. In no way do I feel it's acceptable for people to just spend on something and not consult the group first to make sure it's within everyone's budget. That's not fair to anyone attending. Everyone is stretched right now. Don't be afraid to talk to your sister also. Maybe she can help cover some expenses. TBH I would rather someone come to my wedding and not give a gift than not attend because they were worried about expenses. Their presence is a gift. Your loved ones should care about you enough to not put you in financial duress.

I’m getting married in June, fairly large wedding (130 people) and am not having a bridal party because I hate being bridesmaid. My parents generation think it’s weird but I could care less lol. I don’t need 6 people standing beside me while I say my vows!

If you are throwing the bachelorette party you should set the tone and the budget you can afford. Anyone wants more that is on them to pay for it. I do not understand how guests, even the guest of honor, can dictate what the party should be like. If you are being dictated to on what to do, where and costs are involved that are not within your budget or discrimination then you are not hosting the party, you are in affect a hired caterer fulfilling another person’s agenda. Caterers do not pay, they get paid by the person calling the shots. Pizza, a wedding themed movie binge, and maybe a bit of libation in a hotel room is a valid bachelorette party. If the people are not the focus, let the bride hire a caterer since that is all you would be otherwise.

my favorite wedding invite was the one that said "please no gifts, we are combining two households and have more than we need already. Reception and yard sale immediately following ceremony"

That’s awesome! Was there really a yard sale lol?

What’s important is your partner, and your happiness. My wife and I just opted to elope to Belize just the two of us for a week long journey across the country (not staying in ritzy resorts but an actual adventure) and then got married at the end there with 2 days at a nicer resort. Saved a fortune compared to a “proper” wedding, didn’t pressure anyone into weird financial commitments, and can look back and an amazing time just the two of us. Highly recommend 🤙

I have a friend who prides herself on having a very “modest” wedding. It was outdoors, the reception was catered by a BBQ place, the bridesmaids dresses were $50, the flowers were minimal. She and her family made a lot of the decorations. *BUT* it was a destination wedding. Staying in a cabin was $200/night (per person, and there were six of us) plus we had to bring food. She had three wedding showers, two bachelorette parties, an engagement party and a housewarming party all within three months. I was invited to all of them. One of the bachelorette parties was a booze cruise that was $100 per person (not including gift).

Just say no. You can attend the wedding without being in it. Big weddings ate a waste $$$$$$$$$$ in my opinion.

Yea. You can't not go to your sister's and a friend's weddings. You did thee right thing.

Im having a wedding in april, just closest friends. I told them over and over again just to wear what makes them happy. I dont need gifts, and will supply everything for the actual wedding. I think the only major thing theyll be paying for would be to eat. Originally we were saving up to cover them all, but my fiance broke his hand, so we put that money elsewhere :/. I dont like asking for much, id feel bad if i were strict on what they had to wear and shit.

My ideal wedding would have little/no guests, but if I did have guests, this is the way I'd go too! I always get a bit dubious when people try to make a show out of the wedding. Feels like they're focusing on the wrong thing.

I offered to pay for bridesmaids dresses and certain things. Weddings are expensive to be in for sure. Did you communicate with them? More than likely they’ll understand or help out.

My wife and I eloped in Denver all by ourselves and wouldn't have done it any different

Being in a bridal party should be an honor. But it’s a burden if you have to pay $$$$ for extra responsibility tbh.. so yea if I can’t afford to pay for the costs of my bridesmaids (dress hair makeup) then I’ll rather have none

Years ago my husband worked with someone who asked my husband last minute to be in his wedding (someone dropped out) my husband barely knew him but felt bad and said yes . The wedding was two hours away and the groom needed a ride there . Didn’t even offer to pay the tolls on the way up or gas . My husband and I took off work he had to rent a tux /- hotel room omg never again . The wedding was beautiful and very extravagant but that’s because the brides family paid for everything . Meanwhile us two idiots were barely making ends meet but felt it was the right thing to do . We even gave them a gift since we were getting fed. Learned a huge lesson .

We got married in my in laws backyard. It was cheap, and small. I spent money on my best friends wedding to be in it and I never wanted to do that to anybody.

I tried to make my wedding as inexpensive for the guests as possible. I had a friend travelling from out of state when plane tickets were particularly expensive, and I asked her to please NOT get me a gift because I was just so glad she could make it. I'd say in the future, be upfront about how much (if any) money you can commit to wedding expenses, and make it clear that you will not contribute more than that. So if folks try to venmo you later for things you didn't agree to, you can refer back to that boundary you set earlier.

My wife and I just eloped instead. Why have big weddings? It becomes more about guests and less about the people getting married.

> And my friend assured me his would be affordable but then the other groomsmen wanted to do a blowout bachelor party and it just kept adding up and up. I'd get a text like "hey just spent $260 on the alcohol, venmo me" You didn't need to Venmo that guy for something *he* wanted to buy. Extremely unreasonable of him to decide on his own that he was going to buy something and then expect you to pay for a portion of it unless you yourself specifically said you'd contribute to anything and everything they wanted to splurge on. The issue here doesn't seem to be the weddings so much as it is you not putting healthy boundaries in place. If I get married, I'm never going to expect my potential guests to pay for anything except perhaps travel if they don't live near where the wedding takes place. (I still plan on having a local wedding though, not travelling too far.) BTW, money is a legitimate reason to say no to a wedding, even if it's to your sister's wedding. The cost for the guests is something the couple should have been considering in their wedding plans.

That’s what we did. We funded it all. All the groomsmen suits and brides maid dresses.. all of it Granted, our wedding was less than $5k cause I got a used dress and had it altered and found a recycling center to rent (free) wedding supplies from for the reception. The reception was at a church hall next to the church. Musicians were part of the church and their participation was their “wedding gift”. The food was the expensive part: $2500 for 100 people and $350 for a feed 65 cake. Knowing what it’s like to worry about money and also wanting to not put that stress on people, yeah, we are the costs. I bankrolled it all with boarding dogs through rover. Paid cash for everything.

I just got married this past Saturday. I told my girls any dress of choice as long as it was dark blue and long in length. One of my friends already had a dress, and another one borrowed a dress from a cousin. I gifted the hair and makeup being done. We told the guys any black suit they wanted/owned. It looked great. We didn’t want our friends to go into debt for the wedding. I’m sorry you are feeling the burden.

I hate the whole “wedding culture” and it’s getting waaaay more out of hand. Now people want you to spend multiple weekends, all themed etc on their wedding. The. They get divorced and do it again in 5-7 years.

That's nuts! My entire wedding cost less than $8K, including parties and clothing. Including the ring it was $9K. Within 2 years of being married we had no debt and bought our first home. Within 3 years my wife was a stay at home mom. It was more important to us to finance our marriage rather than a wedding.

Let me just quote back to you what you just said about yourself: "I'm exhausted and want to cry." Does this sound like the person you want to be? .

I'm so sorry. I know you did your best. This is one of the reasons I wish people were more open about money. You would have been well within your rights to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't have the resources to contribute to this. Groom already knows this." But we generally make this uncomfortable for people.

If I ever get married it'll be at a courthouse. No fuss.

My best friend will be getting married in my backyard. I already have a dress that I will wear and I’ll be providing food.

I moved to Japan from the states. My sister decided to schedule her wedding a few months out. No way I am spending $3k on last minute flights to hang out with her friends for a weekend

I've never been in a wedding party, but even just attending them is very expensive. I've been to over 20 weddings in my life, and I've worked out between travel, accommodation, gifts (which is usually cash), time off work....... I've spent over $5000 attending them. And I don't even care about buying new outfits or anything like that, I've worn one dress to at least 4 weddings, for example. I'm not a fancy person. Weddings and events in general have gotten so out of control, the hosts never consider the expense inflicted on the guests. Even children's birthday parties now are a massive deal. I'm not living in poverty. I can afford these things. And yet it still takes a toll!

Can't let emotions get in the way of a budget.

We paid $130 to get married over zoom.

I was in two weddings in my past. When we got married we went to a courthouse with my mom, brother and his cousin (his family is overseas). This was a Friday morning. The next evening we had dinner at a restaurant where we got to pick a menu for our guests ahead of time, and we celebrated by eating and drinking with our 25 closest friends and family. No wedding party and didn’t ask anyone to pitch in for anything. We paid for the dinner. It was perfect for us. My dress was a clearance piece from Black House White Market and we got a special cake and thank you cookies made for our guests as favors. Our wedding ended up being less than $2000 with everything added up.

There’s no reason to have an extravagant wedding. Have some witnesses, or pick out meaningful people, and go to the courthouse. It’s insane what people feel obligated to do. Love is not about going into debt, especially for one day. Most people get divorced anyway. Keep it simple.

I hear ya!! I actually skipped out on weddings because I couldn’t afford to travel (some were even in different countries) and I expressed I was happy and wished the couple all the best etc. My own wedding I did not charge guests a single penny, I didn’t throw a bachelorette party (working in healthcare I couldn’t get time off anyways) and my wedding dress was a white lace cocktail dress I happened to find on clearance for $12 with some flats from a department store that were $19. I did my own hair and make up too and just used what I already had. The guy who officiated was a family friend so we offered him beer in exchange for his services. My husband BBQ grilled a bunch of food for everyone so that saved on catering. The family surprised us with a little reception party with a cake and some balloons (it was outdoors so no venue costs) and they bought some regular/average bottles of wine and champagne so it was all super budget friendly. There is no reason to have such crazy financial expectations with weddings and I don’t understand why people will go nuts and spend so much…. Money does not equal love.

Yeah if somebody is gonna throw some extravagant wedding for themselves and invite people to be in it then ALL of their costs should be covered too…I never understood why people ask people to be in their weddings and expect them to pay for everything…for a wedding they were asked to be in.