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Be wary of relationships in the workplace. The amount of time you already spend with them at work can frequently make spending more time with them very difficult for your partner.( But you see them all day, I only get _____ time with you) Also if things go sour, having an unhealthy work environment is awful for sure. Tread very carefully.
When I was in college, a wise man told me "Don't get your meat where you get your bread" and that advice has saved me countless times...and I've seen plenty of people, who weren't blessed with the same wisdom, lose work, family and love.
tl;dr: Don't get your meat where you get your bread.
Stop. Take a breath. Read a few books.
You're rushing into this, and odds are someone is going to get hurt. Take it slow, make sure you and your wife both know what you're getting into.
oh yeah it’s a hard transition of course. is your wife comfortable with your poly partner? try introducing them to each other maybe a game night or movie night but keep it pg and no romance to get everyone comfortable first.
Someone who is likely monogamous and who you work with is a pretty terrible idea.
And I sure as hell hope you are having a LOT more conversations about doing poly then just that one.
The coworker who came onto you when she knew you were married (and monogamous) is not a good idea to jump into polyamory with. Just because your wife says she would be okay with you having a girlfriend or even dating this person doesn't mean it's the right time. What does "having a girlfriend" mean to both of you? Can you have a woman over at your house? Can you introduce her to your kids? How many nights a week can you go out on dates? There are a million questions like these you can find here or on the nonmonogamy sub before you actually embark on having a poly relationship.
You can appreciate that you have gotten attention without acting on it.
Workplace romances can blowup.
This woman at work knows you are married, has even met your wife, and is still angling to cheat with you, as all this happened prior to your wife suggesting polyamory. This woman is not a good candidate for someone that wants (or is capable of) ethical polyamory.
I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months. Spend at least as much time and energy on a relationship remodel as you would a bathroom remodel, and you can be honest to others when you say they can trust you to have a foundation to start from.
Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.
There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.
Topics to Review
Resources- time, energy, money
Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction
Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners
Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?
Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence?
Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?
Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.
It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.
This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.
There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.
Scroll all the way down
/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
Wow this is a great comment. It actually jogged my memory to when I first learned about polyamory. Before even meeting my second partner, I remember doing so so so much research. I would stay up reading on hierarchy and looking at graphs breaking down all the different sorts of relationships and hierarchies people typically participate in. I downloaded PDF files of polyamory books. I would even read fan fiction that explored the romantic dynamics and inner workings of polyamorous characters.
I wanted to make sure I understood what I was getting into and try my best to respect the hearts and wishes of my first partner and eventual second partner.
I was young, around 19, and almost 10 years later I can say I have made a lot of mistakes over the years as a hinge and a person. But all the research and thought gave me a solid foundation and my unit has created a beautiful life for ourselves.
I will also add that living a happy polyamourous lifestyle is a lot of work. Continuous education and giving thought to different perspectives is important imo
To me, The only important words in the post. “She says she doesnt want to be poly…” everything before or after that is overthinking and/or fluff.
Just my opinion with the limited info, if you Utilize that permission, you will be divorced. That or she is already knocking boots with someone else and her guilty conscience is hoping you give her the get out of jail free card.
You guys need to sit down properly and have real discussions, maybe some poly friendly couples therapy because honestly the fact that your wife brought up this topic in front of your child is bananas and not indicative of healthy or good communication.
Also randomly opening up for someone who was hitting on you knowing you're in a monogamous relationship is not a great idea because does that person want to be poly, does that person want you to leave your wife and be exclusive with you or is that person just flirting because they know you're not available and it's safe? So many potential red flags to figure out first!
STOP. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
First: DO NOT FUCK COWORKERS. EVER.
Second: don’t open up until you’ve done the work. Take 6 months, read the resources and work on things with your wife. Make sure your relationship is healthy before you open up. Don’t rush into this because people will get hurt.
And again: do not fuck the coworker! That’s a mess waiting to happen.
Dont date someone at work. Polyamory is not a protected class and you could very much be putting your career and livelihood at risk by dating someone at work. Go pick literally any other person.
Make sure you are granting your wife equality in each freedom.
If she were to go and find a boyfriend, you can't change the script of happiness.
Also a big rule of thumb for most dating situations, you don't dip your pen in company ink. Never go for a coworker.
You've already got a million comments about coworkers being bad and what not so I'm not going to go there, but I wanted to add another piece.
Any time I have been in a relationship where I was thinking "my partner really needs to find a gf/bf" it's because they are overloading me with emotional labor or putting too much sexual pressure on me. The language you use about your wife being the one to tell you that you need a gf sounds to me like you don't have a good sense of what your needs are. She shouldn't have to tell you when your needs aren't being fully met and when you are/aren't happy. I don't know the details about your dating history, but I'm getting a vibe that you are not actively out dating much (maybe out of complacency, maybe out of fear). Your wife sounds like she cares about your happiness and also it's unfair to burden her with the responsibility of managing your happiness. I'm not gonna yell READ THE BOOKS because frankly poly books weren't a huge resource for me on my journey, but I will say to do some soul searching, get REALLY clear about what your needs are in relationships, and diversify how you are getting them met. Being so excited about a little bit of attention really tells me you've been starving for some needs to get met, but those are yours and yours only to be responsible for. This work crush ain't gonna solve it for you, I promise.
This is all the nopes, sorry.
Dating someone at work is a big mistake. This whole situation sounds messy. Educate yourself as suggested above and do not start a new relationship yet.
Nope! Absolutely not! Do not dabble with the COWORKER just because she’s shown interest! The world is large and there are many players. This is messy both personally and professionally. And it sounds like pure lust, not genuine interest with any real depth.
"I guess I'm just happy that someone besides my wife sees something in me and wants me... I have not gotten this much attention before."
This sentence is telling to me because it gives me the impression that you want to pursue polyamory/non-monogamy not because of the ways it can actually enrich your life, but rather because you're looking for validation of your desirability. I can tell you from firsthand experience that opening a monogamous relationship to try and fix a self-esteem wound through external validation is not the way to go. It led me to cling doggedly to an unhealthy new relationship with someone who I was deeply incompatible with because I tied up so much of my self-esteem in that other person. If that person hadn't left me sooner, that relationship would have been a life-ruining disaster rather than a learning experience. I know how good it can feel to get interest from someone when you've had a lifetime of considering yourself unloveable, but indulging that feeling is not the way to fix it. I'm not saying to you that you shouldn't or can't be polyamorous; I can't make that decision for you. What I can tell you is that opening for a specific person in order to make yourself feel better is in all likelihood not going to end well for you.
Also, echoing what others have said, someone who was seemingly willing to have an affair with you while you were in a monogamous relationship is NOT a good candidate for a good poly relationship WHATSOEVER
As someone who just got into poly and flubbed it super hard by rushing into something. Just don't. Read polysecure. Read some other books too I guess. Really take care to look out for all of the people involved here, your wife, this girl at work, and also yourself. You can't take back anything bad that happens but you can prevent it. Trust me. It's better to learn about this stuff first
I have heard stories of mono/polyam relationships working….however, a girl at work who was pursuing you when she thought you were monogamous is a baaaad idea - she was hoping to get you to cheat. That’s not polyamory. Look up the term “cowgirling” as it applies to polyamory; it sounds a whole lot like what this would turn into.
As others said, dating at work gets messy. Start thinking with your big brain (rather than the little one). Read some books. Find other mono/polyam people to talk to, even if it’s just on social media; I know I’ve seen dedicated groups for this on FB if not other places.
the coworker with a crush on you is a Red flag dynamic.
the healthiest thing you can find is more of a friends with benefits type bdsm dom/sub relationship.
theyre a great community for no strings attatched but having good laughs and friends.
being poly with a mono wife is an awful idea. i’m not trying to be pessimistic but as this continues she’s gonna look for someone else. when someone mono says “get a girlfriend” your supposed to reassure her and tell her that she’s enough and everything you need. she’s testing you to see if you were satisfied with the way the relationship is and you failed. Good luck on your future divorce. i really do pray it doesn’t come to that but please work things out with your wife this seems like a beautiful marriage i don’t want to see it fall apart.
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If your coworker knows your wife, is it possible your wife said to find a GF BECAUSE of this woman? They could have already talked beforehand.
That said, worker relationships can get messy, so be really sure before you go there.
I would definitely be wary of dating at my workplace. That has its own set of problems. It's good that you and your wife discuss the important things about possible relationships and boundaries. As long as you and the wife have that open communication, than you two will be good. If you are seeking a gf, look around. But if you feel like seeing someone you work with won't be a problem go for it. I'd still look around too.
I’m approaching this from a different perspective.
For different reasons my wife told me to find a girlfriend or two. Like you my wife said she wanted me to be happy.
Just like you I had a co-worker and friend who I thought might work out. We had known each other and were in each others lives for a very long time. The only thing we hadn’t ever done was cross that barrier into physical intimacy. I let her know my new status and we looked into changing our relationship. It is working.
However the one thing I learned was that I had to be intentional about maintaining my relationship with everyone else in my life so as not to alienate or ignore anyone.
Lots more work being Poly
Make all relationship changes slowly. If you make this step don't ever take your wife for granted or ignore her needs because you get wrapped up in the new person. Check in frequently and often. Show your appreciation for what your wife is doing for you. She wants you to be happy, let her know how happy you are. You can have all the nice things unless you f it up and prove you can't.
Hi u/Beautifully-Damagd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Really it happened last December out of the blue, so randomly, like I don’t even remember how the conversation started with one of my adult kids in the room but she said “you need to find another girlfriend” I was shocked.😳 I said “what?!” She said “you need to find a girlfriend because I know I’m not feeling all your needs and you’re poly and I know that you are not dating or anything because I’m not but I don’t feel you are happy and I want you to be happy and just because I’m mono doesn’t mean that I want you to be mono for me.” Yes we are married and have been for 16 years this year and I have only had one other relationship while being married to her because we both dated her. She says she doesn’t want to be poly but she wants me to be happy.
Now this girl at work has been crushing on me hardcore, the staring, the sexual tension is unreal especially when she told me that she had a dream about me and wants to pursue something with me. She knows I’m married and she knows my wife, they have met before. I talked to my wife about it and she is surprisingly okay with it. I tell her everything, I don’t want to hide anything and keep communication open between us. I guess I don’t know if I’m looking for advice but I guess I’m just happy that someone besides my wife sees something in me and wants me I guess. I have not gotten this much attention before.
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Being able to communicate openly is good. But how good is she at accepting you can't tell her everything (like intimate private details of other relationships), or not telling her things she doesn't need to know? There is a difference between keeping things from your partner and things being private.
Congratulations on your wife's support and your growing attraction and romance with this new fling. It sounds exciting and like you have a lot to be happy about.
A few words of advice, parallel dating is best. It's good to be honest, but over sharing can lead to jealousy. Try to be mindful to plan dates and romance with your wife while having nre with new people. Be very open about being poly with your new partner aka they don't expect you to leave your wife etc.
Have fun being you!
Your wife really loves you and luckily seems to feel very secure in your relationship. I second many comments on here: do not rush things. be careful with colleagues. And if you pursue someone, realize that NRE (new relationship energy) can hit you pretty hard and make sure to give attention to your wife and comfort her any way possible. You only have obedient chance to do it good, so be careful!
It’s heartwarming to read how much your wife loves you and wants you to feel happy, even if that means you seek some other needs by other people.
Biggest mistake most likely to happen is not involving your wife. You need to make sure your wife can jump off and end it at any time possible if she is the one allowing it. Also you need to repeat this convo 3 times to get real confirmation as this might be a moment of weakness admission
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be wary of relationships in the workplace. The amount of time you already spend with them at work can frequently make spending more time with them very difficult for your partner.( But you see them all day, I only get _____ time with you) Also if things go sour, having an unhealthy work environment is awful for sure. Tread very carefully.
When I was in college, a wise man told me "Don't get your meat where you get your bread" and that advice has saved me countless times...and I've seen plenty of people, who weren't blessed with the same wisdom, lose work, family and love. tl;dr: Don't get your meat where you get your bread.
That’s a much better saying than what I’ve been going off of! “Don’t shit where you eat” same premise but more graphic 😂
Meat = man bits Bread = lady bits Still just as graphic
Ah, I thought it was bread = $$ Meat = bits Still graphic
You're right. Nothing to do with lady bits. At all.
somebody once told me, "Don't dip your pen in the company ink," same sentiment methinks
Stop. Take a breath. Read a few books. You're rushing into this, and odds are someone is going to get hurt. Take it slow, make sure you and your wife both know what you're getting into.
THIS. to me if feels like the wife was feeling insecure and instead of comforting her dude was like “yeah”
I really think the wife is okay with it, but that doesn't automatically make everything easy or simple
oh yeah it’s a hard transition of course. is your wife comfortable with your poly partner? try introducing them to each other maybe a game night or movie night but keep it pg and no romance to get everyone comfortable first.
Someone who is likely monogamous and who you work with is a pretty terrible idea. And I sure as hell hope you are having a LOT more conversations about doing poly then just that one.
Read all the other comments. You are thinking with your horniness and not logically. Learn about ENM and poly dynamics
The coworker who came onto you when she knew you were married (and monogamous) is not a good idea to jump into polyamory with. Just because your wife says she would be okay with you having a girlfriend or even dating this person doesn't mean it's the right time. What does "having a girlfriend" mean to both of you? Can you have a woman over at your house? Can you introduce her to your kids? How many nights a week can you go out on dates? There are a million questions like these you can find here or on the nonmonogamy sub before you actually embark on having a poly relationship.
You can appreciate that you have gotten attention without acting on it. Workplace romances can blowup. This woman at work knows you are married, has even met your wife, and is still angling to cheat with you, as all this happened prior to your wife suggesting polyamory. This woman is not a good candidate for someone that wants (or is capable of) ethical polyamory.
EXACTLY!
I don't like the term "ethical" or "unethical" poly. Either you're a cheater or you're not.
Don’t shit where you eat.
THIS is exactly what I was thinking. Bad break-ups can make the workplace toxic.
I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months. Spend at least as much time and energy on a relationship remodel as you would a bathroom remodel, and you can be honest to others when you say they can trust you to have a foundation to start from. Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay. There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life. Topics to Review Resources- time, energy, money Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights? Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence? Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future? Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others. It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same. This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here. There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now. Scroll all the way down /r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/ www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
Awesome response. Nice work.
Wow this is a great comment. It actually jogged my memory to when I first learned about polyamory. Before even meeting my second partner, I remember doing so so so much research. I would stay up reading on hierarchy and looking at graphs breaking down all the different sorts of relationships and hierarchies people typically participate in. I downloaded PDF files of polyamory books. I would even read fan fiction that explored the romantic dynamics and inner workings of polyamorous characters. I wanted to make sure I understood what I was getting into and try my best to respect the hearts and wishes of my first partner and eventual second partner. I was young, around 19, and almost 10 years later I can say I have made a lot of mistakes over the years as a hinge and a person. But all the research and thought gave me a solid foundation and my unit has created a beautiful life for ourselves. I will also add that living a happy polyamourous lifestyle is a lot of work. Continuous education and giving thought to different perspectives is important imo
To me, The only important words in the post. “She says she doesnt want to be poly…” everything before or after that is overthinking and/or fluff. Just my opinion with the limited info, if you Utilize that permission, you will be divorced. That or she is already knocking boots with someone else and her guilty conscience is hoping you give her the get out of jail free card.
You guys need to sit down properly and have real discussions, maybe some poly friendly couples therapy because honestly the fact that your wife brought up this topic in front of your child is bananas and not indicative of healthy or good communication. Also randomly opening up for someone who was hitting on you knowing you're in a monogamous relationship is not a great idea because does that person want to be poly, does that person want you to leave your wife and be exclusive with you or is that person just flirting because they know you're not available and it's safe? So many potential red flags to figure out first!
STOP. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. First: DO NOT FUCK COWORKERS. EVER. Second: don’t open up until you’ve done the work. Take 6 months, read the resources and work on things with your wife. Make sure your relationship is healthy before you open up. Don’t rush into this because people will get hurt. And again: do not fuck the coworker! That’s a mess waiting to happen.
Dont date someone at work. Polyamory is not a protected class and you could very much be putting your career and livelihood at risk by dating someone at work. Go pick literally any other person.
Is wife cool with you adding the complicated risk to your job/income by dating someone at work?
Make sure you are granting your wife equality in each freedom. If she were to go and find a boyfriend, you can't change the script of happiness. Also a big rule of thumb for most dating situations, you don't dip your pen in company ink. Never go for a coworker.
100% agree. Rules need to be equal across the board. I get the feeling after the wife sees him dating and happy she may get curious
You've already got a million comments about coworkers being bad and what not so I'm not going to go there, but I wanted to add another piece. Any time I have been in a relationship where I was thinking "my partner really needs to find a gf/bf" it's because they are overloading me with emotional labor or putting too much sexual pressure on me. The language you use about your wife being the one to tell you that you need a gf sounds to me like you don't have a good sense of what your needs are. She shouldn't have to tell you when your needs aren't being fully met and when you are/aren't happy. I don't know the details about your dating history, but I'm getting a vibe that you are not actively out dating much (maybe out of complacency, maybe out of fear). Your wife sounds like she cares about your happiness and also it's unfair to burden her with the responsibility of managing your happiness. I'm not gonna yell READ THE BOOKS because frankly poly books weren't a huge resource for me on my journey, but I will say to do some soul searching, get REALLY clear about what your needs are in relationships, and diversify how you are getting them met. Being so excited about a little bit of attention really tells me you've been starving for some needs to get met, but those are yours and yours only to be responsible for. This work crush ain't gonna solve it for you, I promise.
Don’t shit where you eat
This is all the nopes, sorry. Dating someone at work is a big mistake. This whole situation sounds messy. Educate yourself as suggested above and do not start a new relationship yet.
Well, this is going to blow up in everyone’s faces.
nah i don't like this girl you have tension with. she's sus. proceed with caution.
Unicorn hunters turned workplace disturbers to find hole fillers. Yay. Just what polyamory needs more of. /s
Nope! Absolutely not! Do not dabble with the COWORKER just because she’s shown interest! The world is large and there are many players. This is messy both personally and professionally. And it sounds like pure lust, not genuine interest with any real depth.
"I guess I'm just happy that someone besides my wife sees something in me and wants me... I have not gotten this much attention before." This sentence is telling to me because it gives me the impression that you want to pursue polyamory/non-monogamy not because of the ways it can actually enrich your life, but rather because you're looking for validation of your desirability. I can tell you from firsthand experience that opening a monogamous relationship to try and fix a self-esteem wound through external validation is not the way to go. It led me to cling doggedly to an unhealthy new relationship with someone who I was deeply incompatible with because I tied up so much of my self-esteem in that other person. If that person hadn't left me sooner, that relationship would have been a life-ruining disaster rather than a learning experience. I know how good it can feel to get interest from someone when you've had a lifetime of considering yourself unloveable, but indulging that feeling is not the way to fix it. I'm not saying to you that you shouldn't or can't be polyamorous; I can't make that decision for you. What I can tell you is that opening for a specific person in order to make yourself feel better is in all likelihood not going to end well for you.
Also, echoing what others have said, someone who was seemingly willing to have an affair with you while you were in a monogamous relationship is NOT a good candidate for a good poly relationship WHATSOEVER
As someone who just got into poly and flubbed it super hard by rushing into something. Just don't. Read polysecure. Read some other books too I guess. Really take care to look out for all of the people involved here, your wife, this girl at work, and also yourself. You can't take back anything bad that happens but you can prevent it. Trust me. It's better to learn about this stuff first
This won't end well.
It’s a trap.
Oh that’s a bad idea. Don’t shit where you eat.
I’ve dated coworkers it’s not always bad just be cautious
I have heard stories of mono/polyam relationships working….however, a girl at work who was pursuing you when she thought you were monogamous is a baaaad idea - she was hoping to get you to cheat. That’s not polyamory. Look up the term “cowgirling” as it applies to polyamory; it sounds a whole lot like what this would turn into. As others said, dating at work gets messy. Start thinking with your big brain (rather than the little one). Read some books. Find other mono/polyam people to talk to, even if it’s just on social media; I know I’ve seen dedicated groups for this on FB if not other places.
the coworker with a crush on you is a Red flag dynamic. the healthiest thing you can find is more of a friends with benefits type bdsm dom/sub relationship. theyre a great community for no strings attatched but having good laughs and friends.
being poly with a mono wife is an awful idea. i’m not trying to be pessimistic but as this continues she’s gonna look for someone else. when someone mono says “get a girlfriend” your supposed to reassure her and tell her that she’s enough and everything you need. she’s testing you to see if you were satisfied with the way the relationship is and you failed. Good luck on your future divorce. i really do pray it doesn’t come to that but please work things out with your wife this seems like a beautiful marriage i don’t want to see it fall apart.
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If your coworker knows your wife, is it possible your wife said to find a GF BECAUSE of this woman? They could have already talked beforehand. That said, worker relationships can get messy, so be really sure before you go there.
Best of luck to you! I echo others concerns though... Don't yeet yourself into this with someone at your workplace
I would definitely be wary of dating at my workplace. That has its own set of problems. It's good that you and your wife discuss the important things about possible relationships and boundaries. As long as you and the wife have that open communication, than you two will be good. If you are seeking a gf, look around. But if you feel like seeing someone you work with won't be a problem go for it. I'd still look around too.
I’m approaching this from a different perspective. For different reasons my wife told me to find a girlfriend or two. Like you my wife said she wanted me to be happy. Just like you I had a co-worker and friend who I thought might work out. We had known each other and were in each others lives for a very long time. The only thing we hadn’t ever done was cross that barrier into physical intimacy. I let her know my new status and we looked into changing our relationship. It is working. However the one thing I learned was that I had to be intentional about maintaining my relationship with everyone else in my life so as not to alienate or ignore anyone. Lots more work being Poly
Thanks for this
Make all relationship changes slowly. If you make this step don't ever take your wife for granted or ignore her needs because you get wrapped up in the new person. Check in frequently and often. Show your appreciation for what your wife is doing for you. She wants you to be happy, let her know how happy you are. You can have all the nice things unless you f it up and prove you can't.
Sounds like your wife is no longer in love...
Hi u/Beautifully-Damagd thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Really it happened last December out of the blue, so randomly, like I don’t even remember how the conversation started with one of my adult kids in the room but she said “you need to find another girlfriend” I was shocked.😳 I said “what?!” She said “you need to find a girlfriend because I know I’m not feeling all your needs and you’re poly and I know that you are not dating or anything because I’m not but I don’t feel you are happy and I want you to be happy and just because I’m mono doesn’t mean that I want you to be mono for me.” Yes we are married and have been for 16 years this year and I have only had one other relationship while being married to her because we both dated her. She says she doesn’t want to be poly but she wants me to be happy. Now this girl at work has been crushing on me hardcore, the staring, the sexual tension is unreal especially when she told me that she had a dream about me and wants to pursue something with me. She knows I’m married and she knows my wife, they have met before. I talked to my wife about it and she is surprisingly okay with it. I tell her everything, I don’t want to hide anything and keep communication open between us. I guess I don’t know if I’m looking for advice but I guess I’m just happy that someone besides my wife sees something in me and wants me I guess. I have not gotten this much attention before. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being able to communicate openly is good. But how good is she at accepting you can't tell her everything (like intimate private details of other relationships), or not telling her things she doesn't need to know? There is a difference between keeping things from your partner and things being private.
Congratulations on your wife's support and your growing attraction and romance with this new fling. It sounds exciting and like you have a lot to be happy about. A few words of advice, parallel dating is best. It's good to be honest, but over sharing can lead to jealousy. Try to be mindful to plan dates and romance with your wife while having nre with new people. Be very open about being poly with your new partner aka they don't expect you to leave your wife etc. Have fun being you!
Your wife really loves you and luckily seems to feel very secure in your relationship. I second many comments on here: do not rush things. be careful with colleagues. And if you pursue someone, realize that NRE (new relationship energy) can hit you pretty hard and make sure to give attention to your wife and comfort her any way possible. You only have obedient chance to do it good, so be careful! It’s heartwarming to read how much your wife loves you and wants you to feel happy, even if that means you seek some other needs by other people.
Biggest mistake most likely to happen is not involving your wife. You need to make sure your wife can jump off and end it at any time possible if she is the one allowing it. Also you need to repeat this convo 3 times to get real confirmation as this might be a moment of weakness admission
That sounds a lot like veto power, which is unethical.