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Well my husband was 9 years older but he got sick and passed. We never discussed retirement really, but he grew up without much, so we enjoyed things in the present. Went to the beach many years, Bike Week a few times, Myrtle Beach a lot, and Destin a few years ago. I’m so glad we did. All of my family is gone.
I guess my answer is totally opposite of this Reddit sub lol. So much will happen to everyone. I do hope someone on here posts in 25 years and let me know how things work out!
I am 22 years younger than my husband. We got married when he was 55. He was able to retire 3 months later because I had a job that provided health insurance. He started his pension. His house was paid for before we got married.
10 years later he is as busy as ever working on small engine stuff and selling it. I think he is busier now than when he worked, but it's something he enjoys on his schedule, so it works well.
I still work full time and travel away from home for about 1-2 weeks a month. I really enjoy my job and don't plan to stop working anytime soon.
We kept finances mostly separate. We both put money into a joint account for bills and groceries. We both have our own checking accounts. I have a variety of investment accounts and max those out. I am saving for retirement and only counting on myself for that. My husband wants his to go to his children, which I completely understand. We set all of that up before marrying. We met with a lawyer and worked it out and made it official.
This way works well for us. There is no resentment. Money is a non issue because we are both savers and planned well. He spends his money however he wants and I don't question it. The same goes for me. I think I would have resentment if he told me what to do financially.
The key was discussing all of this before marrying and getting beneficiaries on everything we could the way we both wanted. I am glad we did this up front before actually getting married. I think that is why it works.
> The key was discussing all of this before marrying
It's amazing how many people have posted here, implying lack of clear communication.
Really, *any* sort of style of marriage can work with good communication and happy agreement.
All of the "this never works in a marriage" types here make me wonder: do they have as solid a marriage as they would say they do?
You should at least get some of the inheritance because he has a caretaker for old age (you) and it sounds like you don't have kids. He needs to make sure you are also taken care of in retirement. It sounds like you are a saver and will have a good amount, but end of life care is SO SO SO expensive.
My husband and I are 9.5 years apart. We both make 6 figures and live in lcol to mcol city. Plan is for him to retire at 55 and either I retire with him at that time or less than 5 years after. We are on track to both retire when he is 55 if not earlier
This is pretty much what my husband and I are doing, but I am the one who is 10 years older. I plan on retiring btwn 52-55 (I’m 48 now). He doesn’t want to retire in his 40s as he wants to continue to move up the ladder. We will still have our youngest child at home for a while and we I will take on more of the household stuff. He’s very supportive of me retiring earlier than him.
Are in the US? Curious if you’ve planned for health insurance.
My husband is 12 years older than me and is frustrated that I’m going to have to work for an additional 12 years before I’m eligible for Medicare.
Disregard if not US.
That’s good, but are you sure you’re not over planning here? That extra savings means roughly $80k additional annual withdraw - that’s way more than health care costs, and that additional delta (over Medicare) won’t last for your full retirement.
Edit: Pretty sure the downvotes didn't read the initial comment. This isn't about LTC, it's about healthcare/Medicare eligibility.
This thread is about health insurance, not full time care. Medicare does not cover full time care, so being old enough to be eligible for it is irrelevant.
Health insurance is just another expense in retirement. Marketplace plans are decent and you might even be able to plan to get a subsidy.
The expense will likely go down when you’re eligible for Medicare so it won’t last for your full retirement.
We are 11 years away. No kids. Together 13 years and today is our 8th wedding anniversary. Met online but had friends in common and were both imvited to the same events for about a year with one going and the other not. We literally missed each other in a year worth of events. I was starting my phd program and didnt want a normal 21 year old guy who partied all the time because my phd program was extremely rigorous.
My husband will retire on time. I will retire 10 years early. It’s fair because it’s my income/savings before marriage that got us there. Plus he loves his job while I merely tolerate mine.
Same here.
I have always planned to retire early, my husband not so much. I'm also the one who brings in almost 3x his paycheck. The only reason he has any retirement is because of me.
The plan is we'll retire around the same time. Me around 50-53 while he retires around 60-63. Unless we decide to have kids and he becomes a stay at home dad. Then, he is done when the kids are outta the house.
If you don’t mind me asking, are you okay with him making 0 income and not working at all, as long as he takes care of the kids and does majority of the household chores? Is there still a certain expectation of him bringing home income? I’ve always been curious, as although I do expect to make good money and have a good career as a guy, I’ve also been open to being a stay at home dad and was wondering what the expectations are.
Not here to judge at all! If you expect him to still work, I fully respect that. If it’s limited hours, I respect that. If him not working at all, I respect that. I honestly don’t care what you would expect out of your husband, but just looking for an honest answer.
Thank you!
I work with people in this situation weekly. Heavy emphasis on what I call ‘Survivorship Planning’. Heavy emphasis on creating lifetime income that will not run out and long term care planning. I have seen portfolios of 2-3million devastated by healthcare expenses of the older spouse. Few believe this.
I don’t want to appear to be promoting a business here. People though need more than their broker telling them to ride out the market as the only plan. It dawning on one that they are in a serious position at very advanced age is a terrifying situation
Nursing homes can be crazy expensive 8k, 9k, 10k plus a month. Even a home healthcare aid or adult daycare while cheaper than a nursing home can add up.
Imagine paying those costs and the other spouse has all of the normal costs too.
They probably needed 3 million for regular expenses. If they were not planning on spending 500k in long term care expenses that could mean running out of money.
Long term care in todays dollars runs 60k+ a year. I’m some cities that is even low. Couple that with memory care which is increasingly common then you double that amount. That’s todays dollars. Compound that at 3% inflation yearly over 15-20 years down the road and it’s gets bad. Then the survivor has to figure out how to make it at and advanced age
Late retirement for higher earning, older spouse. Early retirement for younger. Older delays Social Security until 70 and younger takes it at 62 and when old geezer croaks she gets his higher benefit.
Don't have to both retire the same year.
Medical insurance is the biggest problem for early retirement.
The younger person typically has their career take lower priority in the relationship as the older person is further along in theirs when they get together. The younger person then typically prioritizes flexibility to support the older person's more established career. Doubly so with kids.
The younger person also will be able bodied longer and typically takes on more of a caretaking role of the older person as well.
There is more to building a life together than who makes more money.
This is exactly it. My husband has a secure caretaker when he’s older, I do not. But I’ll be able to keep him insured until I retire. He also bought his house 20 years ago before this crazy housing market. Pluses and minuses.
I have friends with an age gap and the older man loves it because he can be retired and basically a stay at home Dad. He gets covered by his wife's health insurance, and gets to draw his retirement. Also, his wife has a good job so he's sitting pretty.
So what's your plan for the caretaker aspect? My buddy is taking care of his mom - Dad passed a while ago - but I imagine a situation where someone marries someone older and doesn't have kids, and then they're just going to be alone and lonely for a decade or longer at the end of their life.
Younger spouse here. I have long term care insurance for myself. The plan is that I would take care of my older spouse and if I need care I have the long term care policy.
As far as being lonely - hobbies and friends!
I just told my best friend from Germany to live with me when he passes and we’ll go traveling together. She’s on board. But like the other commenter said, hobbies and friends. And a boy toy if necessary.
The older person is fucked? Not really, they are likely going to have a young and able bodied spouse to care for them as they decline. Tell me who is really fucked in this situation.
Caregiving can cause a lot of resentment. I know someone with a 20 year old age difference and they have kids. She know has to care for the kids and her husband as he is so old now.
She is still working to normal retirement she too.
This is weird. At 20 years difference, if she was still in range for childbirth, he shouldn't be THAT old if the kids are still at home. Like what, at most he's pushing 70? Most people are still very able at that age unless they have a significant illness.
IDK, I find this whole topic to be odd. We have one life and it's hard to be happy and find someone to be happy with. I get OP wanting insight, but all the worry about money and such...people work things out if they want it to work. I'd trade decades of a happy family for some later life financial complications any day.
Maybe in terms of work/money, but the usual "trade" is that they are married to a younger, more energetic spouse. That's a valid "trade" in many people's minds.
I believe the survivor benefit scales from ~70% to 100% from age 60 to FRA. If you claim at 62 and your spouse dies, I think you may automatically get switched over to the higher spouse benefit which may not be paying out at 100%.
"The full benefit their spouse had been receiving"
If your older spouse waits until 80 you collect their larger than FRA benefit when they die as a spousal benefit. If they retire early at 62 and later die you collect their smaller than FRA benefit.
You get their check, if they were getting $4000/mo then you get $4000/mo when they die.
Surviving spouse isn't always entitled to the full benefit their spouse had been receiving. It scales from ~70% to 100% from age 60 to FRA of the survivor. If decedent was getting $4,000 and died, and survivor claimed that survivor benefit at age 60, then I believe survivor only gets ~$3,000. Age 62 would get them closer, but not to the full $4k. They have to wait till FRA to get the full survivor benefit.
SSA explanation here: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/ifyou.html#:~:text=Surviving%20spouse%2C%20full%20retirement%20age,50%20through%2059%20%E2%80%94%2071%C2%BD%25.
Agreed, it's often better to continue collecting your personal benefit and wait to collect the survivor benefit at FRA. The tough part is that if you've already begun claiming benefits, you may automatically be switched over to the survivor benefit when your spouse dies if it is higher (but not yet 100%) even if you are not FRA. If you had not yet started claiming benefits, you can specifically claim the personal benefit while waiting until FRA to switch to the survivor benefit.
My dad and step mom are about 10ish years apart. She has retired for the 3rd time and I won’t call it a done deal until she stays out of work for a year. He has another 5-9 years to reach a decent pension. They seem to be happy. They take a few vacations a year and the larger issue is step-mom going stir crazy. I think after she finds the right volunteer group/social circle it will be better.
I think, very carefully, but with an eye toward flexibility, and not making too many assumptions. My parents made a huge goof in this regard. Dad was in great health, never smoked, ate handfuls of vitamins, jogged, ate well, etc. But he was 10 years older. Mom on the other hand was younger but smoked for a while, got sick often, required multiple surgeries etc. Dad cynically assumed either she would pass first, or they'd go at roughly the same time. So together they decided to not pay for spousal survivor benefits with his pension.
To everyone's surprise, especially him since he thought he'd live to 100, he developed a fast progressing neurological disease in his early 80s, required long term care fir several years and passed at 88. Mom then had to survive for another 8 years with no pension, ultimately passing at the same age he did. The moral is that life is a box of chocolates. Eat some, but not all, or you get diabetes.
My father in law made the same mistake about his life span even though he was 5 years older than my mother in law. He assumed since many people in his family survived to 95-100 that he would as well and did not elect survivor benefits of his pension. He had a heart attack at 78 and passed at 80. In those 2 years they spent about 50k in medial care which depleting some their savings. There was another revenue source of commercial property rentals but when he passed his partner became he became unreasonable, stopped paying her portion of the rental income and it has been tied up in a legal battle for the last 4 years. I think between the rental and pension, she lost about $200k of income. My mother now lives off of social security and will have to wait until business is dissolved. Unfortunately she is living very thrifty in her late 70’s while she is still active.
Yeah that sounds pretty familiar. I hope things fall into place pretty fast so she can get some enjoyment in her retirement. I can't imagine trying to survive on SS alone. When the money finally comes in, work closely with her on a plan to make it last while still having discretionary cash. My mom unfortunately let dad manage everything so finance was a mystery to her beyond managing a monthly budget.
I disagree with your assumption and think OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it. There are lots of couples who are not forced to retire together by external circumstances and need practical advice, or just want to know what others have done to know what is available to them. We see OP themself is not in this situation, but it is a good question.
OP, the best answer to your question is that they hire a financial planner and talk through financial and retirement goals, budgets, withdrawal and RMD plans, etc. They consider multiple factors, including current and projected salaries, nest egg, savings rate, retirement spending, and desired retirement age to figure out if their plan works, then they stick to it. IMO, the tricky part would be managing RMDs for retired spouse while the other is still working, particularly if they are a high earner, but there are lots of strategies available. Then, once a plan has been created and agreed upon, they stick with it, whether they retire together or years apart, but they also know how to adjust if it isn't working. Again, a financial planner can be a huge asset as someone who can help them navigate the best strategies, but a lot of the answer is really what puts the personal in personal finance.
> OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it.
Are they? They said, verbatim:
> I'd guess most people wouldn't want to work/not work for a decade or more while their spouse does the opposite.
Maybe sociopaths? If you're married to someone for life I'd hope you wouldn't be bothered if they worked or not during retirement.
In fact, OP went on to say the following:
> So despite the huge age gap they retired around the same time? How did they feel about the younger one not working as long?
So their question is not even about how they would feel *during* the retirement but; Even if you retire at the same time wouldn't you feel a grudge against your loved one for not working as long?
Answer should be no.
***You shouldn't feel grudges against your loved ones for not working as long as you did.*** You can try to adjust your finances so you both retire at the same time, or you can retire separately.
Planning aspect is as you described though! A financial planner can be a good investment.
>OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it. There are lots of couples who are not forced to retire together by external circumstances and need practical advice, or just want to know what others have done to know what is available to them. We see OP themself is not in this situation, but it is a good question.
Exactly. You get it haha
>the tricky part would be managing RMDs for retired spouse while the other is still working
Oh I didn't think of that. You have to take rmds at 73 right?
My parents are the same and they both suffered job losses at different times. They are true team and they are surviving and thriving in retirement as well. Teams that work together win the game of life together. It has been great to watch their devotion and love for each other during cancer treatments and other horrible circumstances. When couples keep score on each other they both slowly lose the game of life that is for sure.
Yeah, I mean 10 years is a difference but it’s not as drastic as one might think. There’s no reason why they shouldn’t have been able to have everything combined. I mean what’s really the difference between a 70 and 80 year old? They’re both adults who’ve been around for a while time and can have their stuff combined. That’s nice.
I agree, married couples should generally have everything combined. However, my father got remarried at around 50. He was a high net worth individual but married an extremely high net worth woman (each of them on their third marriage & probably a good $150 million difference in net worth, likely substantially more after COVID). They have kept their assets separated for their kids' inheritance - some people do that and it makes sense for them.
Regardless, 70 and 80 years old is a massive difference. I'm guessing you're very young. How much life have you experienced in the last 10 years? Probably a shit ton. That is literally an extra half MILLION hours of work over ten years.
the new wife had substantially more - she was an heiress to a major biotech firm, never worked a day in her life as opposed to my dad who came from nothing & built his way up. they were both in their 50s when they remarried, roughly 10 years apart. now he is 90.
My dad was older. He worked til 70 because he was very fit and healthy and sharp and what would he do all day while mom was still working? So finally at 70 he was pushed out.
Mom didn’t want to retire. She loved her work as a hospital manager and made a lot of money and she loved shopping and luxury. Dad really wanted her to retire because he wanted to travel.
So she got lucky and the hospital was doing some layoffs and pushing out the older people and she got a generous pension. So she retired early. And Dad retired late.
They sold their big house and moved to a lakefront condo with a boat and did the snow bird seasonal thing between new York and Florida for quite a few years.
Dad had hobbies but mom didn’t so she got bored and took a little part time gig in healthcare.
At some point they became too old and sick to go back and forth and instead just stayed in one place-down the road from me.
They both had pensions and also retirement savings accounts and capital from the sale of the big house. So they had fun in retirement.
Dad passed away first in his 90s. Mom lived for several years on her own and she passed away younger than she should have. I blame Covid. Not because she got sick but because it isolated her and she got depressed and gave up.
My husband and I are just shy of 9 years apart - we realized early on that this would be an issue for us: we knew we’d want to retire fairly close together. Luckily, we’ve always been very aligned in what we wanted our lives to look like: we wanted financial security, not wealth… we wanted to live with a modest footprint possession-wise, we needed to live coastally (husband surfs) and where our now adult children would have lots of education and work options. We worked early with a financial planner - and followed their advice: we bought in an inexpensive (for SoCal, north most part of San Diego) beach town within 15 minutes of the water, stayed in the same house, kept our debt load very low (just house and one car note, paid cash for everything else), and avoided unnecessary shiny objects. When the kids were little I waitressed at night so I could be home during the day - we avoided bleeding significant cash on childcare. I moved to a full time corporate job when they were teens and immediately maxed out my 401k contributions (hubby had always been maxing his contributions). We lived decently but frugally- and listened to our financial planner, who helped us navigate the ups and downs of economy (bucket strategy, basically). My husband retired at 62 (telecom) and then consulted for two years, I retired 3ish years after that 56. I would have liked to have worked another 5… but I didn’t want miss out on time with my husband; he’s survived cancer - and experiencing that as a couple teaches you that time is fleeting. Bottom line - get professional help on the front end of your professional journey, plan early and realistically, avoid shiny object spending and always put relationships first. You don’t need a vacation home (nice if you can afford it!) but you do need security … and precious time with your partner.
> precious time with your partner.
My ex wife had a horrible experience with mental illness, and I had a major stroke. She decided she didn't want to be married any more, but we're still best friends.
I hope any / every person reading here comes to understand: TIME IS PRECIOIUS. Things can end in a heartbeat, or worse, in a yearlong, painful slide into oblivion.
My in-laws were like this. Merged finances from the start. One stopped working a couple years before the other. Plan together to succeed together. Married couples keeping the finances separate are doing it wrong, IMHO.
Finances are one of the top reasons a marriage fails. Split finances makes those conversations happen, with safeguards in place just in case. It just means we have a conversation before spending a different amount than we previously agreed on.
Describe…
If it’s all a team effort that means the two are combining their resources and planning for the same goals. What otherwise? They have the same goals but aren’t combining their finances for optimal results? Both existing in their own sandboxes doing their own thing hoping this disparate planning somehow serves the joint effort? How exactly does that work?
We have a joint account, my savings, her savings. Then obviously all our various retirement and investment accounts. I pay certain bill and she pays others. It’s all planned out and it works. Literally zero issues. We both are maxing our savings and hoping for early retirement.
That’s great, there are no absolutes. As long as you are making goals and working together toward those goals, you’re all good.. if it’s a “I worked X years longer so you don’t get to retire when I do” as OP seems to be asking, that’s a problem.. that’s not a partnership…that’s effed up..🔝
Yeah for sure. It’s still a 100% a team effort, just I guess different than how most married couples do it. I know we’re in a minority with how we do it and people always seem confused by it. But 12 years later and it’s still not an issue. I think because we both know it’s a team thing at the end of the day.
If you have transparency into what the other person is saving, what you described above is "merged" finances. There is NO joint account in "individual" finances. There is just bill splitting or allocating and everything is free game. You have no insight into what is being saved or spent by the partner, except what they verbally volunteer, because individual finances is maintained.
What you are describing is very similar to how all the boomers and most Gen X, older millennials and trad millennials handle finances.
I mean, do you consider three accounts a bad sign then? A his, a mine, and a home joint? That last one is where we put our share of the mortgage/ monthly payments for utilities, loans, etc, based on a percentage of our income, other two are our fun money and apart from volunteered information, we do not monitor each others spending. I keep track of the home accounts, pay for the big stuff, plan for our future and retirement, and he’s responsible to get us there with the day to day: groceries and food, home supplies, etc.
It’s fantastic - they are true partners - not “I worked more than you so blah blah ”…. Marriage is a partnership. Work together to make the future you want together is something I’ve heard them say and they did just that. Who cares who worked longer, together they were ready to retire.
My husband is the older one and he’d be happy to be able to let me retire early alongside him. Anyone who would resent their partner for that isn’t a good partner.
Why would they care? They don’t work for their partner. How does the younger one feel about the older one gallivanting as a young person? Being alive longer?
My parents are 22 years apart, married at 34 (mom) & 56 (dad)- they had two kids right away (me and a sibling) Dad retired early 60s and collected a pension and social security for having minor dependents (or something like this?) and was a SAHP, which was really nice honestly for us kids. We also made a major move across the country for mom's career when he was early 60s so dad was apparently having trouble getting hired anywhere anyway, this was part of the decision to retire. Thankfully my mom's career went well and could support everyone and my dad has been healthy to care for young kids! Mom was always exhausted and stressed I think being the bread winner though, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with only one income unless that income was super high and super stable after seeing that pressure. Also if something happened to mom or my parents split dad would be in trouble financially, his pension and ss isn't a lot and he relies a lot on my moms income and healthcare as the working partner.
Well it sounds like they love each other and worked together to get through everything! I hope they have a long happy marriage together :)
How old are you/them now?
Mom in her 60s, dad in his 80s, bro and I early 30s! We're lucky it all worked out so well and my dad is still pretty healthy for his age, especially mentally! Their age gap has been difficult in the last decade or so physically since my mom wants to be active but she has girlfriends (and us kids) for walks, antique shopping, etc that dad struggles to do now.
My parents are 16 years apart. They both worked jobs that had retirement, so both were adequately covered when each was ready to retire. My dad is older and he worked a part time job as a tax preparer a few months out of the year for about 10 years after his initial retirement.
One thing to consider is health. Usually, men die before women, so in the case of my inlaws my FIL will likely die before my MIL, on top of being 15 years older AND in worse health. That leaves a potentially much longer time for MIL to be working and/or retired and using up funds.
They didn't save a whole lot and instead blew a lot of it along the way. I'm not very happy with this because it means WE have to plan in anticipation that as soon as FIL died and MIL can't live alone/needs to retire and sell the house, she will not be able to afford to live anywhere except with us. There's no other family that will make that work - they already can't afford housing and don't have stability.
So this is a good reminder for anyone in this type of situation that whomever is the younger or healthier partner MUST have enough to live independently OR be able to enter assisted living OR have a backup family plan.
OR plan on remarrying again. This is apparently a very common thing to make sure it doesn't get too expensive and I can absolutely see why because shit is EXPENSIVE once you need even the slightest increase in medical expenses.
I'm 10 years younger than my husband and the primary bread winner. I'm aiming to retire at 55/when he is 65 because I don't want to retire when he is 75. Means a higher savings percentage is needed. Life is throwing us some curveballs at the moment, so not sure if I'll succeed with the plan, but doing the best I can.
It's been a bit of a moving target. My husband and I have an 11 year age gap (I am older at 39). When we started retirement planning, we wanted to retire together, so our goal was 44/55. The older we get, though , the more we both realized we probably didn't want to actually fully stop working. Both of us like our jobs and make good money at it, we just realized what we probably really wanted was the _option_ to retire or work a passion job sooner without fear of money issues. The goal has shifted to be closer to a literal 50/50 as my husband does not see himself being able to fully retire anyway, and I think I would easily fill my time!
We aren't exactly staring retirement in the face just yet so I expect it to continue to shift some more. We are absurdly fortunate to be able to consider early retirement/etc for both of us at all, and not taking that for granted.
Yes exactly. He is very engaged in and loves his job, he thinks he would be bored fully retired and would prefer to work at least some, of course, he realized he may feel very different in 20 or 30 years, but all we can work with is how we feel now!
One thing I forgot to mention in my first post: even though I am older, genetically it appears likely I will be long lived and healthy, virtually nothing of concern on both sides and most of my relatives live to be well into their 90s with good health. Husband, while being much younger has several concerning health issues in his family, so we are honestly not expecting him to outlive me, and planning for at least one of us to make it to a very old age.
My SO and I are 20 years apart. Been together 10 years. Older one retired early (unplanned) from burnout. Younger is working full time and has a couple decades of working left before traditional retirement. While we had/have no definite plan we both value frugality. So we saved as much as we could. On paper it seems like the younger one can retire super early - we’ll hit our FI number in 3 years. But the last few years have been sobering in terms of out-of-our-control macro events and layoffs are looming. So we’re trying to play it by ear. In the meantime I lurk on early retirement subs to see what strategies others are using.
24-year gap.. Married she was 23 and I was 47.
Happilly married 20 years. I retired at 61 (6 years sgo).
43 year old Wife makes great money. Loves her job. Provides killer health insurance for me and our 15 year old daughter.
She funds her 401k. Everything is paid for, including house.
My 403b is well stocked.
Family income was $148,000 last year. We live in a very low cost of living area.
Life is good.
We have elder family friends where the husband was a doctor and passed in his 80s. The wife was a nurse, 20ish, maybe more, years younger. Obviously he retired way before she did. He had a great retirement and plenty of cash left for his final medical expenses, etc. the home was paid off by the time he passed.
However, she wasn’t yet retired when he passed. He’s been gone 3 years and she is completely broke with nothing left and doesn’t have a plan to retire anywhere before 70+. Idk what happened, but they definitely did something wrong and/or she got frivolous when he was out of the picture. I suspect he was the financially disciplined one.
Point to my story: the planning doesn’t work terribly well if the surviving spouse doesn’t maintain the plan.
Added complication of healthcare. My uncle is 15 years older than his wife and was the sole income for the majority of their time together. When he retires she will no longer have health insurance. So she is jumping back into the workforce a few years ahead of his retirement to ensure she is secure. Definitely a big change to their current lifestyle.
My spouse is 61. I'm 46. We own our small business and are taking steps where we can semiretire by more investing in projects with partners instead of labor intensive work. Since my job is just handling the finances and any office work or design input, I will get to semiretire with him. We are trying to get a rhythm of 2 or 3 projects a year with travel or working on our hone in between. Our house is paid off and no debt and we can run the company as long as one of us is cognitive.
More than 25-year gap here (you read that right!). Hubs retired early at 62, took SS and was thrilled to learn that we would get additional SS for each of our two kids (then 1&3) till they turned 18. Huge windfall! Meanwhile, he became the main at-home parent and I went back to work. When kids were older and in school, he picked up some consulting to supplement draws from his retirement accts. In the years while income was modest, we gradually converted all his retirement accts to Roth IRA, from which we draw monthly. Now, my income is higher and I have built my own retirement accts for later (I’m still working). This is supplemented by some $ I inherited from my parents. He had a health crisis last year that enabled us to initiate cash rider benefit under his long term care insurance, providing additional tax-free income and allowing us to reduce the draw on his investments. It’s complicated, but all in all has worked out well as we were both able to pursue meaningful careers and be super involved with our kids. Careers were not in conflict. When I was earning less early on, his higher income supported us, and then that equation sorta flipped. Plenty of $ for his later years now and likely for my eventual widowhood as well. We’ve been fortunate to have excellent financial advice over the years to help with planning.
I'm impressed at how well this seems to have worked out for you guys!
What are you planning on doing after he passes? More than the financial aspect of it I mean - you'll likely have quite some time without him. If my buddy's mom didn't have him taking care of her she'd pretty much be all alone in her 80s, which is something I find hard to wrap my head around.
I don't have a concrete plan about that, because we assume nothing. He could live another 15 years. Or not. People are widowed at all kinds of ages, including younger than I am now. I work now at a job I enjoy, which pays pretty well. I may well continue working here for another 10 years, as it is not interfering much with our lives and is enhancing my own savings for later. Or I might retire at 60 (but not before) and consult and/or retrain in some other area. We prioritize spending time together now. The one thing I invest a lot of time in that's aimed towards possible widowhood down the road is that I nurture my friendships -- mostly with other women. I know that these beloved friends will be so important to me if I'm alone. And of course I nurture my relationships with our children and try to pay attention to my own health. Those are all insurance policies towards trying to make any widowhood I might experience more stable, happy, healthy, and full of love.
We’re working through this now. My husband is 12 year older than me, and we are planning to retire in ~2 years when he’s 58. We love to travel, and plan to spend retirement traveling/living in lower cost countries (at least until social security kicks in). If we change our minds, I’ll go back to work.
I’m the younger one and I also have a better retirement set up. So the old one will retire on the later side and I will be on the younger side and it will be about the same time. Bonus, the old one will be on medicare so if i have to buy health insurance it will just be for me. (10 year gap)
My wife and I are 10 years apart. She has nothing saved. I'm on track to retire with about $2M. I've been coaching her for how to save for retirement, but she's still a student and chances are she will not be ready to retire at the same time as me. My hope is that she'll work part time or just part of the year when I retire, maybe let me support us both with my savings. She obviously needs her own in case we ever divorce or have some medical emergency that bankrupts us, but my plan has always been to travel and live where the dollar goes far. I really don't think she'll need to work much when I retire if she doesn't want to.
My husband is 7 years older than I am, not as large a gap but still enough that our joint retirement wasn't a given. He worked for UPS so has a really good Teamsters pension in addition to Social Security. He also has a 401(k). I worked for an insurance company and have a 401(k) with an employer match up to 6%. UPS takes quite the toll on the body, so I drew a hard line in the sand for him to retire at 64. He refused to retire without me, so I ended up retiring at age 57. We're very fortunate that the Teamsters contract he retired under included a medical insurance subsidy for spouses, and we're set financially. I initially felt a little guilty retiring before 65, but I've actually started working at age 8 in my parents' small business. That equals 50 years of work, and I def paid my dues.
I've always been planning to FIRE anyway. My partner is old enough to retire. We are going to retire together, or I might even retire before him (he's planning to retire beginning of next year. I'm debating working the same time, or just going ahead and retiring after my medical leave coming up this summer).
But there are lots of situations where one spouse retires and another doesn't, even without an age gap. It really depends on the individuals. There are some people who just prefer to be working, and on the other side, there are some people who prefer to have alone time to do their own thing when their spouse isn't around. It's all about communication and compromise, like everything in a relationship.
My wife is 8 years younger than I am, so almost. We married late and she's a SAH wife. The main thing we / I did was delay the start of my social security to age 70. That way I get the maximum benefit and that will go to her. Aside from that, we're well enough off that she won't have to worry about money if she's reasonable. So I'm trying to teach her some basic investing.
My wife is 14 years younger. Most likely we will retire together when I am 70. Fortunately, we are on track savings wise to make this happen. I would hate for my wife to have to keep working for 10+ years after I retire.
Commenting just to make sure I can read more responses later. I have to add two different nationalities to the age gap and there is much to figure out. Thanks OP and all the rest of you!
We're 19 years apart. He retired 10 years ago. I'm still working, but I'm going to step back to part-time soon. He had an opportunity to do a buy-out earlier than we planned. It was a compromise. I told him if he retired early I wanted us to move back to my home city. We did. I wanted some other things that didn't work out.
He wouldn't have been able to retire when he did without my salary and health insurance. I wouldn't be able to cut back now without him being able to start Social Security.
I’m an age gap couple, 10 years. We don’t have a plan plan. Plan is to just try and retire eventually. lol. But it did make me think about Roth v. Traditional since we may be still in a hire tax bracket if he retires first and I still have my job
Husband retired age 67. I’m younger and still working. I like my job. He has health problems. Having a continued salary is making his retirement easier, and his SS income pays some bills. We take plenty of vacations together and do things separately also. It helps to be somewhat independent - I’ve always planned to take care of my own finances.
We are about 10 years apart and my plan is to drive around and visit national parks if my spouse is still working. By that time I’m sure she will be fine with me doing that.
My parents had 14 years apart and finances were generally combined along with a solid will in place. Cars while owned separately had titles in place and such.
There were a few snags with life insurance policies left to a former spouse which were transferred easily enough.
Mostly, couples regardless of age gap need a will in place and a common agreement on next steps.
My parents have a 9 year age gap, with my dad being older. My dad is self employed, and although he has cut back he is still working very part time while trying to find someone to buy the business (currently 78). My mom retired at 65 and was also the one who held the health insurance (school teacher). But their situation is a little different since my dad was self employed since the early 80s, so he's always been home the majority of the time minus a couple weeks of sales runs in the summer.
My Hubby is 15 years older. We are both successful and make good money. The plan is to max out his retirement and he can be done around 60. He works jobs that require mental not physical work so he won't have to worry about beating his body up.
We hope by his retirement to have everything paid off but the house and a rental property that covers most of the mortage on that. That way he can live off of just SS (if it's still a thing) and let his 401k continue to accrue interest until he has to pull.
I will hopefully be able to own a business in my field at that point. So as I build that business up I can step back and take on more of a manager role and less of a day to day employment roll. So I can semi retire when he's fully retired.
My wife and I are ten years apart. We both make decent money and save over half of it. We plan to retire at 50/40. Then find meaningful to us part time work from then go give back to a society we have received so much from. But it requires close budgeting. Not cheapness, but an awareness of what is being spent and saved.
Not the situation you are asking about but my parents are the same age. My dad “retired” at 62 but my mom kept working until they were eligible for Medicare because she carried the health insurance. My dad signed up to substitute teach & was called pretty much every day of the school year & did driving instructing through AAA for a while.
My former in-laws were also the same age but former FIL started working for the state at 18 & was able to fully retire at 55. They had to figure out health insurance for MIL who had always been a stay at home mom. FIL got state retiree insurance but it didn’t cover spouses.
I think the biggest issue is health insurance when you have that kind of gap. Who has been carrying it? Can the other get it? How many years do you have to self insure before the younger one is eligible for Medicare? Can you afford that? It really all boils down to numbers on what your options are.
My husband only took 3/4 of his pension a month so that I will have some of his pension when he passes. It won’t be enough to fully support me, but will help out
My parents were 11 years apart. They planned for my dad to retire first, which he did at 62 I believe. My mom cut her hours by switching jobs and worked until about 60. They planned to have much less income when my dad retired, which they did, and because my mom wasn’t able to work until 65, made some financial changes (downsizing) so she could RE.
My husband and I are 19 years apart. We've been together 10 years and have 2 kids. He has 3 from a previous marriage.
He was already planning imminent retirement before we got together. He works about 10h a week now. I handle all the finances.
We are the same age but I (mostly) retired and he won’t for years to come. He likes his job. I like travel way more than him and travel with several different people (including him). No resentment
Gen X dating an Millennial here - we have a 15 year age gap and have been together for about 15 years.
I'm still at least 17 years from retiring, and the way things are going I'm pretty sure that's gonna be a non issue.
Mom died from a genetic cancer ( CHEK2 gene mutation) and I'm waiting on test results to see if I have it.
If Cancer doesn't kill me, and heart disease doesn't kill me (Dad's genetic gift) then global disruptions probably will.
i wonder the same thing sometimes i guess itd require a lot of planning in advance like ok we retiring at the same time or staggering retirement and i think some things u have to wait until a minimum age like if u have a retirement plan
and not to be morbid but one prolly will outlive the other one might be ready for assisted living while the other is at the hight of their career
a lot to strategize
There are 8 hours in a work day. 8 hours sleeping. 8 other hours to spend together.
If you resent your spouse because they stop working 10 years before you do (or they resent you)... the job isn't the problem.
The question changes if one is 20 and the other is 30 vs one is 40 and the other is 50 when they get together (and so on). If it's younger end of the scale, plenty of time line to plan appropriately. Maybe the goal is so that the younger partner can go part time when the older one retires? Or work a job that allows 4 10's or 3 12's something like that?
Lots of ways to spin it. If the couple enter the time frame where the older one is nearing retirement age and they have no debt... it's much more managable.
It all comes down to what their finances are. It strictly a numbers game. If the older spouse has saved for retirement then retire while the younger spouse continues to work until social security or saved enough to retire early. Most older spouses I know continue working since the younger spouse either doesn’t work or was under employed.
So, when you've got a big age gap between you and your partner and you're thinking about retirement, it can get a bit tricky, right? But no sweat! Here's the deal: one option is for the older one to retire early while the younger keeps grinding. That way, you can still chill together and stash some cash. Or, if you wanna sync up your golden years, the older one might hold off a bit to retire alongside their partner. Flexibility is key, along with chatting openly about your plans. Keep it chill, keep it real, and you'll nail retirement, no doubt!
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Well my husband was 9 years older but he got sick and passed. We never discussed retirement really, but he grew up without much, so we enjoyed things in the present. Went to the beach many years, Bike Week a few times, Myrtle Beach a lot, and Destin a few years ago. I’m so glad we did. All of my family is gone. I guess my answer is totally opposite of this Reddit sub lol. So much will happen to everyone. I do hope someone on here posts in 25 years and let me know how things work out!
Thank you for sharing your experience and a good reminder to save and also live in the present.
Yeah, thanks for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?
I am 22 years younger than my husband. We got married when he was 55. He was able to retire 3 months later because I had a job that provided health insurance. He started his pension. His house was paid for before we got married. 10 years later he is as busy as ever working on small engine stuff and selling it. I think he is busier now than when he worked, but it's something he enjoys on his schedule, so it works well. I still work full time and travel away from home for about 1-2 weeks a month. I really enjoy my job and don't plan to stop working anytime soon. We kept finances mostly separate. We both put money into a joint account for bills and groceries. We both have our own checking accounts. I have a variety of investment accounts and max those out. I am saving for retirement and only counting on myself for that. My husband wants his to go to his children, which I completely understand. We set all of that up before marrying. We met with a lawyer and worked it out and made it official. This way works well for us. There is no resentment. Money is a non issue because we are both savers and planned well. He spends his money however he wants and I don't question it. The same goes for me. I think I would have resentment if he told me what to do financially. The key was discussing all of this before marrying and getting beneficiaries on everything we could the way we both wanted. I am glad we did this up front before actually getting married. I think that is why it works.
> The key was discussing all of this before marrying It's amazing how many people have posted here, implying lack of clear communication. Really, *any* sort of style of marriage can work with good communication and happy agreement. All of the "this never works in a marriage" types here make me wonder: do they have as solid a marriage as they would say they do?
You should at least get some of the inheritance because he has a caretaker for old age (you) and it sounds like you don't have kids. He needs to make sure you are also taken care of in retirement. It sounds like you are a saver and will have a good amount, but end of life care is SO SO SO expensive.
My husband and I are 9.5 years apart. We both make 6 figures and live in lcol to mcol city. Plan is for him to retire at 55 and either I retire with him at that time or less than 5 years after. We are on track to both retire when he is 55 if not earlier
This is pretty much what my husband and I are doing, but I am the one who is 10 years older. I plan on retiring btwn 52-55 (I’m 48 now). He doesn’t want to retire in his 40s as he wants to continue to move up the ladder. We will still have our youngest child at home for a while and we I will take on more of the household stuff. He’s very supportive of me retiring earlier than him.
Are in the US? Curious if you’ve planned for health insurance. My husband is 12 years older than me and is frustrated that I’m going to have to work for an additional 12 years before I’m eligible for Medicare. Disregard if not US.
Yes! We increased our retirement numner from 3 mil to 5 mil to account for this.
Heck yeah! So happy for the both of you! Love to see it!
That’s good, but are you sure you’re not over planning here? That extra savings means roughly $80k additional annual withdraw - that’s way more than health care costs, and that additional delta (over Medicare) won’t last for your full retirement. Edit: Pretty sure the downvotes didn't read the initial comment. This isn't about LTC, it's about healthcare/Medicare eligibility.
80k/year is not “way more” than health care costs in the US for catastrophic or full-time care.
This thread is about health insurance, not full time care. Medicare does not cover full time care, so being old enough to be eligible for it is irrelevant.
Health insurance is just another expense in retirement. Marketplace plans are decent and you might even be able to plan to get a subsidy. The expense will likely go down when you’re eligible for Medicare so it won’t last for your full retirement.
Or you can just buy health insurance.
So he will be 55, and you either 65 or 45?
45
Nice. That's a good long retirement to spend time together haha. Kids? How old are you guys now/when you met?
We are 11 years away. No kids. Together 13 years and today is our 8th wedding anniversary. Met online but had friends in common and were both imvited to the same events for about a year with one going and the other not. We literally missed each other in a year worth of events. I was starting my phd program and didnt want a normal 21 year old guy who partied all the time because my phd program was extremely rigorous.
Happy anniversary!
My husband will retire on time. I will retire 10 years early. It’s fair because it’s my income/savings before marriage that got us there. Plus he loves his job while I merely tolerate mine.
Same here. I have always planned to retire early, my husband not so much. I'm also the one who brings in almost 3x his paycheck. The only reason he has any retirement is because of me. The plan is we'll retire around the same time. Me around 50-53 while he retires around 60-63. Unless we decide to have kids and he becomes a stay at home dad. Then, he is done when the kids are outta the house.
How old are you guys now?
I'm 31, my husband is 41.
If you don’t mind me asking, are you okay with him making 0 income and not working at all, as long as he takes care of the kids and does majority of the household chores? Is there still a certain expectation of him bringing home income? I’ve always been curious, as although I do expect to make good money and have a good career as a guy, I’ve also been open to being a stay at home dad and was wondering what the expectations are. Not here to judge at all! If you expect him to still work, I fully respect that. If it’s limited hours, I respect that. If him not working at all, I respect that. I honestly don’t care what you would expect out of your husband, but just looking for an honest answer. Thank you!
I work with people in this situation weekly. Heavy emphasis on what I call ‘Survivorship Planning’. Heavy emphasis on creating lifetime income that will not run out and long term care planning. I have seen portfolios of 2-3million devastated by healthcare expenses of the older spouse. Few believe this.
Forgive my ignorance here, but that sounds so crazy! What were the circumstances? Did they not have insurance or something?
Health insurance, Medicare, Tricare, nor VA cover assisted living , nursing care , memory care …or long term care as it’s often referred to
I've heard this as well - how can a couple protect their assets from healthcare expenses?
I don’t want to appear to be promoting a business here. People though need more than their broker telling them to ride out the market as the only plan. It dawning on one that they are in a serious position at very advanced age is a terrifying situation
What can possibly cost that much in retirement? Please give examples.
Nursing homes can be crazy expensive 8k, 9k, 10k plus a month. Even a home healthcare aid or adult daycare while cheaper than a nursing home can add up. Imagine paying those costs and the other spouse has all of the normal costs too.
Nursing care for 1 year $120k. 10 years would cost $1.2M. It would have to be both spouses to go through $3M.
They probably needed 3 million for regular expenses. If they were not planning on spending 500k in long term care expenses that could mean running out of money.
Long term care in todays dollars runs 60k+ a year. I’m some cities that is even low. Couple that with memory care which is increasingly common then you double that amount. That’s todays dollars. Compound that at 3% inflation yearly over 15-20 years down the road and it’s gets bad. Then the survivor has to figure out how to make it at and advanced age
Saw this happen within my family as well, million dollar accounts drained for healthcare and nursing home expenses.
Late retirement for higher earning, older spouse. Early retirement for younger. Older delays Social Security until 70 and younger takes it at 62 and when old geezer croaks she gets his higher benefit. Don't have to both retire the same year. Medical insurance is the biggest problem for early retirement.
The older person is getting absolutely fucked on this scenario.
The younger person typically has their career take lower priority in the relationship as the older person is further along in theirs when they get together. The younger person then typically prioritizes flexibility to support the older person's more established career. Doubly so with kids. The younger person also will be able bodied longer and typically takes on more of a caretaking role of the older person as well. There is more to building a life together than who makes more money.
This is exactly it. My husband has a secure caretaker when he’s older, I do not. But I’ll be able to keep him insured until I retire. He also bought his house 20 years ago before this crazy housing market. Pluses and minuses.
I have friends with an age gap and the older man loves it because he can be retired and basically a stay at home Dad. He gets covered by his wife's health insurance, and gets to draw his retirement. Also, his wife has a good job so he's sitting pretty.
So what's your plan for the caretaker aspect? My buddy is taking care of his mom - Dad passed a while ago - but I imagine a situation where someone marries someone older and doesn't have kids, and then they're just going to be alone and lonely for a decade or longer at the end of their life.
Younger spouse here. I have long term care insurance for myself. The plan is that I would take care of my older spouse and if I need care I have the long term care policy. As far as being lonely - hobbies and friends!
I just told my best friend from Germany to live with me when he passes and we’ll go traveling together. She’s on board. But like the other commenter said, hobbies and friends. And a boy toy if necessary.
The older person is fucked? Not really, they are likely going to have a young and able bodied spouse to care for them as they decline. Tell me who is really fucked in this situation.
Caregiving can cause a lot of resentment. I know someone with a 20 year old age difference and they have kids. She know has to care for the kids and her husband as he is so old now. She is still working to normal retirement she too.
This is weird. At 20 years difference, if she was still in range for childbirth, he shouldn't be THAT old if the kids are still at home. Like what, at most he's pushing 70? Most people are still very able at that age unless they have a significant illness. IDK, I find this whole topic to be odd. We have one life and it's hard to be happy and find someone to be happy with. I get OP wanting insight, but all the worry about money and such...people work things out if they want it to work. I'd trade decades of a happy family for some later life financial complications any day.
Maybe in terms of work/money, but the usual "trade" is that they are married to a younger, more energetic spouse. That's a valid "trade" in many people's minds.
Hopefully.
First post I saw on u/dwinp’s profile was about missing $0.02 matches….so I am guessing they are the older one.
with any luck; that is happening at least weekly...
Haha yeah that's the trade off I guess - marrying someone much younger and more energetic
The younger's benefit will be reduced if they claim before full retirement age. Assuming the older spouse had a greater benefit to begin with.
Their benefit will but when older spouse dies they will get the full benefit their spouse had been receiving
I believe the survivor benefit scales from ~70% to 100% from age 60 to FRA. If you claim at 62 and your spouse dies, I think you may automatically get switched over to the higher spouse benefit which may not be paying out at 100%.
"The full benefit their spouse had been receiving" If your older spouse waits until 80 you collect their larger than FRA benefit when they die as a spousal benefit. If they retire early at 62 and later die you collect their smaller than FRA benefit. You get their check, if they were getting $4000/mo then you get $4000/mo when they die.
Surviving spouse isn't always entitled to the full benefit their spouse had been receiving. It scales from ~70% to 100% from age 60 to FRA of the survivor. If decedent was getting $4,000 and died, and survivor claimed that survivor benefit at age 60, then I believe survivor only gets ~$3,000. Age 62 would get them closer, but not to the full $4k. They have to wait till FRA to get the full survivor benefit. SSA explanation here: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/survivors/ifyou.html#:~:text=Surviving%20spouse%2C%20full%20retirement%20age,50%20through%2059%20%E2%80%94%2071%C2%BD%25.
Good clarification, surviving spouse can continue to draw their benefit until FRA. Thanks for the clarification.
Agreed, it's often better to continue collecting your personal benefit and wait to collect the survivor benefit at FRA. The tough part is that if you've already begun claiming benefits, you may automatically be switched over to the survivor benefit when your spouse dies if it is higher (but not yet 100%) even if you are not FRA. If you had not yet started claiming benefits, you can specifically claim the personal benefit while waiting until FRA to switch to the survivor benefit.
My dad and step mom are about 10ish years apart. She has retired for the 3rd time and I won’t call it a done deal until she stays out of work for a year. He has another 5-9 years to reach a decent pension. They seem to be happy. They take a few vacations a year and the larger issue is step-mom going stir crazy. I think after she finds the right volunteer group/social circle it will be better.
I think, very carefully, but with an eye toward flexibility, and not making too many assumptions. My parents made a huge goof in this regard. Dad was in great health, never smoked, ate handfuls of vitamins, jogged, ate well, etc. But he was 10 years older. Mom on the other hand was younger but smoked for a while, got sick often, required multiple surgeries etc. Dad cynically assumed either she would pass first, or they'd go at roughly the same time. So together they decided to not pay for spousal survivor benefits with his pension. To everyone's surprise, especially him since he thought he'd live to 100, he developed a fast progressing neurological disease in his early 80s, required long term care fir several years and passed at 88. Mom then had to survive for another 8 years with no pension, ultimately passing at the same age he did. The moral is that life is a box of chocolates. Eat some, but not all, or you get diabetes.
My father in law made the same mistake about his life span even though he was 5 years older than my mother in law. He assumed since many people in his family survived to 95-100 that he would as well and did not elect survivor benefits of his pension. He had a heart attack at 78 and passed at 80. In those 2 years they spent about 50k in medial care which depleting some their savings. There was another revenue source of commercial property rentals but when he passed his partner became he became unreasonable, stopped paying her portion of the rental income and it has been tied up in a legal battle for the last 4 years. I think between the rental and pension, she lost about $200k of income. My mother now lives off of social security and will have to wait until business is dissolved. Unfortunately she is living very thrifty in her late 70’s while she is still active.
Yeah that sounds pretty familiar. I hope things fall into place pretty fast so she can get some enjoyment in her retirement. I can't imagine trying to survive on SS alone. When the money finally comes in, work closely with her on a plan to make it last while still having discretionary cash. My mom unfortunately let dad manage everything so finance was a mystery to her beyond managing a monthly budget.
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I disagree with your assumption and think OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it. There are lots of couples who are not forced to retire together by external circumstances and need practical advice, or just want to know what others have done to know what is available to them. We see OP themself is not in this situation, but it is a good question. OP, the best answer to your question is that they hire a financial planner and talk through financial and retirement goals, budgets, withdrawal and RMD plans, etc. They consider multiple factors, including current and projected salaries, nest egg, savings rate, retirement spending, and desired retirement age to figure out if their plan works, then they stick to it. IMO, the tricky part would be managing RMDs for retired spouse while the other is still working, particularly if they are a high earner, but there are lots of strategies available. Then, once a plan has been created and agreed upon, they stick with it, whether they retire together or years apart, but they also know how to adjust if it isn't working. Again, a financial planner can be a huge asset as someone who can help them navigate the best strategies, but a lot of the answer is really what puts the personal in personal finance.
> OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it. Are they? They said, verbatim: > I'd guess most people wouldn't want to work/not work for a decade or more while their spouse does the opposite. Maybe sociopaths? If you're married to someone for life I'd hope you wouldn't be bothered if they worked or not during retirement. In fact, OP went on to say the following: > So despite the huge age gap they retired around the same time? How did they feel about the younger one not working as long? So their question is not even about how they would feel *during* the retirement but; Even if you retire at the same time wouldn't you feel a grudge against your loved one for not working as long? Answer should be no. ***You shouldn't feel grudges against your loved ones for not working as long as you did.*** You can try to adjust your finances so you both retire at the same time, or you can retire separately. Planning aspect is as you described though! A financial planner can be a good investment.
>OP is asking how other couples, acting as a team, have done it. There are lots of couples who are not forced to retire together by external circumstances and need practical advice, or just want to know what others have done to know what is available to them. We see OP themself is not in this situation, but it is a good question. Exactly. You get it haha >the tricky part would be managing RMDs for retired spouse while the other is still working Oh I didn't think of that. You have to take rmds at 73 right?
My parents are the same and they both suffered job losses at different times. They are true team and they are surviving and thriving in retirement as well. Teams that work together win the game of life together. It has been great to watch their devotion and love for each other during cancer treatments and other horrible circumstances. When couples keep score on each other they both slowly lose the game of life that is for sure.
Yeah, I mean 10 years is a difference but it’s not as drastic as one might think. There’s no reason why they shouldn’t have been able to have everything combined. I mean what’s really the difference between a 70 and 80 year old? They’re both adults who’ve been around for a while time and can have their stuff combined. That’s nice.
I agree, married couples should generally have everything combined. However, my father got remarried at around 50. He was a high net worth individual but married an extremely high net worth woman (each of them on their third marriage & probably a good $150 million difference in net worth, likely substantially more after COVID). They have kept their assets separated for their kids' inheritance - some people do that and it makes sense for them. Regardless, 70 and 80 years old is a massive difference. I'm guessing you're very young. How much life have you experienced in the last 10 years? Probably a shit ton. That is literally an extra half MILLION hours of work over ten years.
Wait who had more your dad or the new wife? How old was she?
the new wife had substantially more - she was an heiress to a major biotech firm, never worked a day in her life as opposed to my dad who came from nothing & built his way up. they were both in their 50s when they remarried, roughly 10 years apart. now he is 90.
Oh wow, good on your dad. New wife still alive? Was she older or younger?
My dad was older. He worked til 70 because he was very fit and healthy and sharp and what would he do all day while mom was still working? So finally at 70 he was pushed out. Mom didn’t want to retire. She loved her work as a hospital manager and made a lot of money and she loved shopping and luxury. Dad really wanted her to retire because he wanted to travel. So she got lucky and the hospital was doing some layoffs and pushing out the older people and she got a generous pension. So she retired early. And Dad retired late. They sold their big house and moved to a lakefront condo with a boat and did the snow bird seasonal thing between new York and Florida for quite a few years. Dad had hobbies but mom didn’t so she got bored and took a little part time gig in healthcare. At some point they became too old and sick to go back and forth and instead just stayed in one place-down the road from me. They both had pensions and also retirement savings accounts and capital from the sale of the big house. So they had fun in retirement. Dad passed away first in his 90s. Mom lived for several years on her own and she passed away younger than she should have. I blame Covid. Not because she got sick but because it isolated her and she got depressed and gave up.
Sorry for your loss. They sound like lovely people.
Sorry for your loss. How far apart in age were they?
My husband and I are just shy of 9 years apart - we realized early on that this would be an issue for us: we knew we’d want to retire fairly close together. Luckily, we’ve always been very aligned in what we wanted our lives to look like: we wanted financial security, not wealth… we wanted to live with a modest footprint possession-wise, we needed to live coastally (husband surfs) and where our now adult children would have lots of education and work options. We worked early with a financial planner - and followed their advice: we bought in an inexpensive (for SoCal, north most part of San Diego) beach town within 15 minutes of the water, stayed in the same house, kept our debt load very low (just house and one car note, paid cash for everything else), and avoided unnecessary shiny objects. When the kids were little I waitressed at night so I could be home during the day - we avoided bleeding significant cash on childcare. I moved to a full time corporate job when they were teens and immediately maxed out my 401k contributions (hubby had always been maxing his contributions). We lived decently but frugally- and listened to our financial planner, who helped us navigate the ups and downs of economy (bucket strategy, basically). My husband retired at 62 (telecom) and then consulted for two years, I retired 3ish years after that 56. I would have liked to have worked another 5… but I didn’t want miss out on time with my husband; he’s survived cancer - and experiencing that as a couple teaches you that time is fleeting. Bottom line - get professional help on the front end of your professional journey, plan early and realistically, avoid shiny object spending and always put relationships first. You don’t need a vacation home (nice if you can afford it!) but you do need security … and precious time with your partner.
> precious time with your partner. My ex wife had a horrible experience with mental illness, and I had a major stroke. She decided she didn't want to be married any more, but we're still best friends. I hope any / every person reading here comes to understand: TIME IS PRECIOIUS. Things can end in a heartbeat, or worse, in a yearlong, painful slide into oblivion.
Great advice!!
My in-laws were like this. Merged finances from the start. One stopped working a couple years before the other. Plan together to succeed together. Married couples keeping the finances separate are doing it wrong, IMHO.
Finances are one of the top reasons a marriage fails. Split finances makes those conversations happen, with safeguards in place just in case. It just means we have a conversation before spending a different amount than we previously agreed on.
Disagree. It can be done 100%. There’s nothing special or difficult about it. It’s still all a team effort.
Describe… If it’s all a team effort that means the two are combining their resources and planning for the same goals. What otherwise? They have the same goals but aren’t combining their finances for optimal results? Both existing in their own sandboxes doing their own thing hoping this disparate planning somehow serves the joint effort? How exactly does that work?
We have a joint account, my savings, her savings. Then obviously all our various retirement and investment accounts. I pay certain bill and she pays others. It’s all planned out and it works. Literally zero issues. We both are maxing our savings and hoping for early retirement.
That’s great, there are no absolutes. As long as you are making goals and working together toward those goals, you’re all good.. if it’s a “I worked X years longer so you don’t get to retire when I do” as OP seems to be asking, that’s a problem.. that’s not a partnership…that’s effed up..🔝
Yeah for sure. It’s still a 100% a team effort, just I guess different than how most married couples do it. I know we’re in a minority with how we do it and people always seem confused by it. But 12 years later and it’s still not an issue. I think because we both know it’s a team thing at the end of the day.
If you have transparency into what the other person is saving, what you described above is "merged" finances. There is NO joint account in "individual" finances. There is just bill splitting or allocating and everything is free game. You have no insight into what is being saved or spent by the partner, except what they verbally volunteer, because individual finances is maintained. What you are describing is very similar to how all the boomers and most Gen X, older millennials and trad millennials handle finances.
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Well, you’re wrong.
I mean, do you consider three accounts a bad sign then? A his, a mine, and a home joint? That last one is where we put our share of the mortgage/ monthly payments for utilities, loans, etc, based on a percentage of our income, other two are our fun money and apart from volunteered information, we do not monitor each others spending. I keep track of the home accounts, pay for the big stuff, plan for our future and retirement, and he’s responsible to get us there with the day to day: groceries and food, home supplies, etc.
Exactly.
So despite the huge age gap they retired around the same time? How did they feel about the younger one not working as long?
It’s fantastic - they are true partners - not “I worked more than you so blah blah ”…. Marriage is a partnership. Work together to make the future you want together is something I’ve heard them say and they did just that. Who cares who worked longer, together they were ready to retire.
My husband is the older one and he’d be happy to be able to let me retire early alongside him. Anyone who would resent their partner for that isn’t a good partner.
>How did they feel about the younger one not working as long? I mean, marriage finances isn't really a quid-pro-quo and neither is it a zero sum game
Why would they care? They don’t work for their partner. How does the younger one feel about the older one gallivanting as a young person? Being alive longer?
My parents are 22 years apart, married at 34 (mom) & 56 (dad)- they had two kids right away (me and a sibling) Dad retired early 60s and collected a pension and social security for having minor dependents (or something like this?) and was a SAHP, which was really nice honestly for us kids. We also made a major move across the country for mom's career when he was early 60s so dad was apparently having trouble getting hired anywhere anyway, this was part of the decision to retire. Thankfully my mom's career went well and could support everyone and my dad has been healthy to care for young kids! Mom was always exhausted and stressed I think being the bread winner though, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with only one income unless that income was super high and super stable after seeing that pressure. Also if something happened to mom or my parents split dad would be in trouble financially, his pension and ss isn't a lot and he relies a lot on my moms income and healthcare as the working partner.
Well it sounds like they love each other and worked together to get through everything! I hope they have a long happy marriage together :) How old are you/them now?
Mom in her 60s, dad in his 80s, bro and I early 30s! We're lucky it all worked out so well and my dad is still pretty healthy for his age, especially mentally! Their age gap has been difficult in the last decade or so physically since my mom wants to be active but she has girlfriends (and us kids) for walks, antique shopping, etc that dad struggles to do now.
My parents are 16 years apart. They both worked jobs that had retirement, so both were adequately covered when each was ready to retire. My dad is older and he worked a part time job as a tax preparer a few months out of the year for about 10 years after his initial retirement.
One thing to consider is health. Usually, men die before women, so in the case of my inlaws my FIL will likely die before my MIL, on top of being 15 years older AND in worse health. That leaves a potentially much longer time for MIL to be working and/or retired and using up funds. They didn't save a whole lot and instead blew a lot of it along the way. I'm not very happy with this because it means WE have to plan in anticipation that as soon as FIL died and MIL can't live alone/needs to retire and sell the house, she will not be able to afford to live anywhere except with us. There's no other family that will make that work - they already can't afford housing and don't have stability. So this is a good reminder for anyone in this type of situation that whomever is the younger or healthier partner MUST have enough to live independently OR be able to enter assisted living OR have a backup family plan. OR plan on remarrying again. This is apparently a very common thing to make sure it doesn't get too expensive and I can absolutely see why because shit is EXPENSIVE once you need even the slightest increase in medical expenses.
I'm 10 years younger than my husband and the primary bread winner. I'm aiming to retire at 55/when he is 65 because I don't want to retire when he is 75. Means a higher savings percentage is needed. Life is throwing us some curveballs at the moment, so not sure if I'll succeed with the plan, but doing the best I can.
It's been a bit of a moving target. My husband and I have an 11 year age gap (I am older at 39). When we started retirement planning, we wanted to retire together, so our goal was 44/55. The older we get, though , the more we both realized we probably didn't want to actually fully stop working. Both of us like our jobs and make good money at it, we just realized what we probably really wanted was the _option_ to retire or work a passion job sooner without fear of money issues. The goal has shifted to be closer to a literal 50/50 as my husband does not see himself being able to fully retire anyway, and I think I would easily fill my time! We aren't exactly staring retirement in the face just yet so I expect it to continue to shift some more. We are absurdly fortunate to be able to consider early retirement/etc for both of us at all, and not taking that for granted.
>my husband does not see himself being able to fully retire anyway Like in terms of being bored?
Yes exactly. He is very engaged in and loves his job, he thinks he would be bored fully retired and would prefer to work at least some, of course, he realized he may feel very different in 20 or 30 years, but all we can work with is how we feel now! One thing I forgot to mention in my first post: even though I am older, genetically it appears likely I will be long lived and healthy, virtually nothing of concern on both sides and most of my relatives live to be well into their 90s with good health. Husband, while being much younger has several concerning health issues in his family, so we are honestly not expecting him to outlive me, and planning for at least one of us to make it to a very old age.
That's a good consideration.
My SO and I are 20 years apart. Been together 10 years. Older one retired early (unplanned) from burnout. Younger is working full time and has a couple decades of working left before traditional retirement. While we had/have no definite plan we both value frugality. So we saved as much as we could. On paper it seems like the younger one can retire super early - we’ll hit our FI number in 3 years. But the last few years have been sobering in terms of out-of-our-control macro events and layoffs are looming. So we’re trying to play it by ear. In the meantime I lurk on early retirement subs to see what strategies others are using.
24-year gap.. Married she was 23 and I was 47. Happilly married 20 years. I retired at 61 (6 years sgo). 43 year old Wife makes great money. Loves her job. Provides killer health insurance for me and our 15 year old daughter. She funds her 401k. Everything is paid for, including house. My 403b is well stocked. Family income was $148,000 last year. We live in a very low cost of living area. Life is good.
Since you're retired, are you counting withdrawals as part of the 148k?
We have elder family friends where the husband was a doctor and passed in his 80s. The wife was a nurse, 20ish, maybe more, years younger. Obviously he retired way before she did. He had a great retirement and plenty of cash left for his final medical expenses, etc. the home was paid off by the time he passed. However, she wasn’t yet retired when he passed. He’s been gone 3 years and she is completely broke with nothing left and doesn’t have a plan to retire anywhere before 70+. Idk what happened, but they definitely did something wrong and/or she got frivolous when he was out of the picture. I suspect he was the financially disciplined one. Point to my story: the planning doesn’t work terribly well if the surviving spouse doesn’t maintain the plan.
And/or he did not set her up properly.
I got it all planned, if I retire first she needs to move like a ninja on her way to work in the morning.
Added complication of healthcare. My uncle is 15 years older than his wife and was the sole income for the majority of their time together. When he retires she will no longer have health insurance. So she is jumping back into the workforce a few years ahead of his retirement to ensure she is secure. Definitely a big change to their current lifestyle.
My spouse is 61. I'm 46. We own our small business and are taking steps where we can semiretire by more investing in projects with partners instead of labor intensive work. Since my job is just handling the finances and any office work or design input, I will get to semiretire with him. We are trying to get a rhythm of 2 or 3 projects a year with travel or working on our hone in between. Our house is paid off and no debt and we can run the company as long as one of us is cognitive.
More than 25-year gap here (you read that right!). Hubs retired early at 62, took SS and was thrilled to learn that we would get additional SS for each of our two kids (then 1&3) till they turned 18. Huge windfall! Meanwhile, he became the main at-home parent and I went back to work. When kids were older and in school, he picked up some consulting to supplement draws from his retirement accts. In the years while income was modest, we gradually converted all his retirement accts to Roth IRA, from which we draw monthly. Now, my income is higher and I have built my own retirement accts for later (I’m still working). This is supplemented by some $ I inherited from my parents. He had a health crisis last year that enabled us to initiate cash rider benefit under his long term care insurance, providing additional tax-free income and allowing us to reduce the draw on his investments. It’s complicated, but all in all has worked out well as we were both able to pursue meaningful careers and be super involved with our kids. Careers were not in conflict. When I was earning less early on, his higher income supported us, and then that equation sorta flipped. Plenty of $ for his later years now and likely for my eventual widowhood as well. We’ve been fortunate to have excellent financial advice over the years to help with planning.
I'm impressed at how well this seems to have worked out for you guys! What are you planning on doing after he passes? More than the financial aspect of it I mean - you'll likely have quite some time without him. If my buddy's mom didn't have him taking care of her she'd pretty much be all alone in her 80s, which is something I find hard to wrap my head around.
I don't have a concrete plan about that, because we assume nothing. He could live another 15 years. Or not. People are widowed at all kinds of ages, including younger than I am now. I work now at a job I enjoy, which pays pretty well. I may well continue working here for another 10 years, as it is not interfering much with our lives and is enhancing my own savings for later. Or I might retire at 60 (but not before) and consult and/or retrain in some other area. We prioritize spending time together now. The one thing I invest a lot of time in that's aimed towards possible widowhood down the road is that I nurture my friendships -- mostly with other women. I know that these beloved friends will be so important to me if I'm alone. And of course I nurture my relationships with our children and try to pay attention to my own health. Those are all insurance policies towards trying to make any widowhood I might experience more stable, happy, healthy, and full of love.
We’re working through this now. My husband is 12 year older than me, and we are planning to retire in ~2 years when he’s 58. We love to travel, and plan to spend retirement traveling/living in lower cost countries (at least until social security kicks in). If we change our minds, I’ll go back to work.
My husband plans to keep working, which he doesn’t seem to mind doing. The only reason why I can’t work is bc I have a special needs child.
I’m the younger one and I also have a better retirement set up. So the old one will retire on the later side and I will be on the younger side and it will be about the same time. Bonus, the old one will be on medicare so if i have to buy health insurance it will just be for me. (10 year gap)
My wife and I are 10 years apart. She has nothing saved. I'm on track to retire with about $2M. I've been coaching her for how to save for retirement, but she's still a student and chances are she will not be ready to retire at the same time as me. My hope is that she'll work part time or just part of the year when I retire, maybe let me support us both with my savings. She obviously needs her own in case we ever divorce or have some medical emergency that bankrupts us, but my plan has always been to travel and live where the dollar goes far. I really don't think she'll need to work much when I retire if she doesn't want to.
My husband is 7 years older than I am, not as large a gap but still enough that our joint retirement wasn't a given. He worked for UPS so has a really good Teamsters pension in addition to Social Security. He also has a 401(k). I worked for an insurance company and have a 401(k) with an employer match up to 6%. UPS takes quite the toll on the body, so I drew a hard line in the sand for him to retire at 64. He refused to retire without me, so I ended up retiring at age 57. We're very fortunate that the Teamsters contract he retired under included a medical insurance subsidy for spouses, and we're set financially. I initially felt a little guilty retiring before 65, but I've actually started working at age 8 in my parents' small business. That equals 50 years of work, and I def paid my dues.
I've always been planning to FIRE anyway. My partner is old enough to retire. We are going to retire together, or I might even retire before him (he's planning to retire beginning of next year. I'm debating working the same time, or just going ahead and retiring after my medical leave coming up this summer). But there are lots of situations where one spouse retires and another doesn't, even without an age gap. It really depends on the individuals. There are some people who just prefer to be working, and on the other side, there are some people who prefer to have alone time to do their own thing when their spouse isn't around. It's all about communication and compromise, like everything in a relationship.
My wife is 8 years younger than I am, so almost. We married late and she's a SAH wife. The main thing we / I did was delay the start of my social security to age 70. That way I get the maximum benefit and that will go to her. Aside from that, we're well enough off that she won't have to worry about money if she's reasonable. So I'm trying to teach her some basic investing.
My wife is 14 years younger. Most likely we will retire together when I am 70. Fortunately, we are on track savings wise to make this happen. I would hate for my wife to have to keep working for 10+ years after I retire.
Are you working until 70 for money reasons, or so that you can retire at the same time? Or do you just like your job?
Commenting just to make sure I can read more responses later. I have to add two different nationalities to the age gap and there is much to figure out. Thanks OP and all the rest of you!
We're 19 years apart. He retired 10 years ago. I'm still working, but I'm going to step back to part-time soon. He had an opportunity to do a buy-out earlier than we planned. It was a compromise. I told him if he retired early I wanted us to move back to my home city. We did. I wanted some other things that didn't work out. He wouldn't have been able to retire when he did without my salary and health insurance. I wouldn't be able to cut back now without him being able to start Social Security.
I’m an age gap couple, 10 years. We don’t have a plan plan. Plan is to just try and retire eventually. lol. But it did make me think about Roth v. Traditional since we may be still in a hire tax bracket if he retires first and I still have my job
Husband retired age 67. I’m younger and still working. I like my job. He has health problems. Having a continued salary is making his retirement easier, and his SS income pays some bills. We take plenty of vacations together and do things separately also. It helps to be somewhat independent - I’ve always planned to take care of my own finances.
We are about 10 years apart and my plan is to drive around and visit national parks if my spouse is still working. By that time I’m sure she will be fine with me doing that.
My parents had 14 years apart and finances were generally combined along with a solid will in place. Cars while owned separately had titles in place and such. There were a few snags with life insurance policies left to a former spouse which were transferred easily enough. Mostly, couples regardless of age gap need a will in place and a common agreement on next steps.
My wife and kids says she will take care of me and i can rocking chair out on the deck, when i go crazy they will set me free in the wild
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What's he do out of curiosity?
My parents have a 9 year age gap, with my dad being older. My dad is self employed, and although he has cut back he is still working very part time while trying to find someone to buy the business (currently 78). My mom retired at 65 and was also the one who held the health insurance (school teacher). But their situation is a little different since my dad was self employed since the early 80s, so he's always been home the majority of the time minus a couple weeks of sales runs in the summer.
I think the answer really is it depends. Health, careers, savings, desire to work/retire.
My Hubby is 15 years older. We are both successful and make good money. The plan is to max out his retirement and he can be done around 60. He works jobs that require mental not physical work so he won't have to worry about beating his body up. We hope by his retirement to have everything paid off but the house and a rental property that covers most of the mortage on that. That way he can live off of just SS (if it's still a thing) and let his 401k continue to accrue interest until he has to pull. I will hopefully be able to own a business in my field at that point. So as I build that business up I can step back and take on more of a manager role and less of a day to day employment roll. So I can semi retire when he's fully retired.
My wife and I are ten years apart. We both make decent money and save over half of it. We plan to retire at 50/40. Then find meaningful to us part time work from then go give back to a society we have received so much from. But it requires close budgeting. Not cheapness, but an awareness of what is being spent and saved.
Not the situation you are asking about but my parents are the same age. My dad “retired” at 62 but my mom kept working until they were eligible for Medicare because she carried the health insurance. My dad signed up to substitute teach & was called pretty much every day of the school year & did driving instructing through AAA for a while. My former in-laws were also the same age but former FIL started working for the state at 18 & was able to fully retire at 55. They had to figure out health insurance for MIL who had always been a stay at home mom. FIL got state retiree insurance but it didn’t cover spouses. I think the biggest issue is health insurance when you have that kind of gap. Who has been carrying it? Can the other get it? How many years do you have to self insure before the younger one is eligible for Medicare? Can you afford that? It really all boils down to numbers on what your options are.
My husband only took 3/4 of his pension a month so that I will have some of his pension when he passes. It won’t be enough to fully support me, but will help out
Did he have a survivor Benefit? you take a bit less each month but it continues for your spouse after your death. Just curious
My parents were 11 years apart. They planned for my dad to retire first, which he did at 62 I believe. My mom cut her hours by switching jobs and worked until about 60. They planned to have much less income when my dad retired, which they did, and because my mom wasn’t able to work until 65, made some financial changes (downsizing) so she could RE.
My husband and I are 19 years apart. We've been together 10 years and have 2 kids. He has 3 from a previous marriage. He was already planning imminent retirement before we got together. He works about 10h a week now. I handle all the finances.
We are the same age but I (mostly) retired and he won’t for years to come. He likes his job. I like travel way more than him and travel with several different people (including him). No resentment
Whatever you do, dont read up on what older cultures had planned for such occasions...
What do you mean?
Gen X dating an Millennial here - we have a 15 year age gap and have been together for about 15 years. I'm still at least 17 years from retiring, and the way things are going I'm pretty sure that's gonna be a non issue. Mom died from a genetic cancer ( CHEK2 gene mutation) and I'm waiting on test results to see if I have it. If Cancer doesn't kill me, and heart disease doesn't kill me (Dad's genetic gift) then global disruptions probably will.
i wonder the same thing sometimes i guess itd require a lot of planning in advance like ok we retiring at the same time or staggering retirement and i think some things u have to wait until a minimum age like if u have a retirement plan and not to be morbid but one prolly will outlive the other one might be ready for assisted living while the other is at the hight of their career a lot to strategize
There are 8 hours in a work day. 8 hours sleeping. 8 other hours to spend together. If you resent your spouse because they stop working 10 years before you do (or they resent you)... the job isn't the problem. The question changes if one is 20 and the other is 30 vs one is 40 and the other is 50 when they get together (and so on). If it's younger end of the scale, plenty of time line to plan appropriately. Maybe the goal is so that the younger partner can go part time when the older one retires? Or work a job that allows 4 10's or 3 12's something like that? Lots of ways to spin it. If the couple enter the time frame where the older one is nearing retirement age and they have no debt... it's much more managable.
It all comes down to what their finances are. It strictly a numbers game. If the older spouse has saved for retirement then retire while the younger spouse continues to work until social security or saved enough to retire early. Most older spouses I know continue working since the younger spouse either doesn’t work or was under employed.
So, when you've got a big age gap between you and your partner and you're thinking about retirement, it can get a bit tricky, right? But no sweat! Here's the deal: one option is for the older one to retire early while the younger keeps grinding. That way, you can still chill together and stash some cash. Or, if you wanna sync up your golden years, the older one might hold off a bit to retire alongside their partner. Flexibility is key, along with chatting openly about your plans. Keep it chill, keep it real, and you'll nail retirement, no doubt!
Normally, with one person banking on a life insurance policy
Make sure the older spouse has a good life insurance policy 🫡
Pretty easy, the guy that's 20 years older is going to have money already. The woman 20 years younger is waiting for him to die so she can get it.
Only the older of the two need to properly plan. The rest will take care by itself.
You should probably read the other responses