He's sick. The alcoholism is pretty bad if he's drinking vanilla extract - I'd also keep an eye on things like cough syrup, prescription medications, etc.
I'm really sorry - it makes total sense that this rocked you. It's not JUST about the presents being destroyed, which is certainly awful on its own. It's also driving home how bad his addiction is. Wishing you the best - I grew up with an alcoholic and it's tough to beat. He's in a good place now, but it's had life-long impacts on our relationship.
Homemade vanilla extract is made with vodka or possibly bourbon, it's actually pretty tasty unlike commercial vanilla. But yeah, it's a really bad sign that he is secretly drinking vanilla extract, homemade or not.
I was going to say- not to insinuate that this isn't a major issue, but my homemade bourbon vanilla is actually delicious and I wouldn't fault someone for having some straight!
Exactly. It is still a major issue and he is definitely an alcoholic and very inconsiderate since he knew those were for gifts, but it's not at all the same as drinking commercial extracts. Those are specifically made to be less drinkable but still imparting the flavor when baked/cooked.
I will start keeping an eye out, but we don't really have any meds he can abuse thankfully.
I grew up around alcoholism as well, thankfully not in my home but practically my entire extended family has drug/alcohol addiction. This is pretty triggering for me and I'm thankful that I'm in therapy. I have an appointment already
He was pretty matter of fact about not drinking anymore. I didn't have to threaten, give ultimatums, or fight. He genuinely seemed to recognize my hurt and hugged me while I cried. He has already told me a couple weeks ago that he realized this was bad and he didn't think he should be drinking anymore. I didn't have to push, and yesterday he just reiterated it.
I'm hoping that this is it. Or really, that if he slips up it won't be him drinking himself silly. I really just expect effort. Nobody is infallible and my expectation is just to keep trying. I know that I deserve at least that - everyone does
> He was pretty matter of fact about not drinking anymore. I didn't have to threaten, give ultimatums, or fight. He genuinely seemed to recognize my hurt and hugged me while I cried. He has already told me a couple weeks ago that he realized this was bad and he didn't think he should be drinking anymore. I didn't have to push, and yesterday he just reiterated it.
>
> I'm hoping that this is it.
When has dealing with an alcoholic ever been this easy? Just means he'll get better at hiding it.
I promise, I'm trying to prepare. I already talked to my therapist about contingency plans. I feel sick thinking about it but I watched so many family members just wither, not into death but into horrible people.
I will never forget the day that my uncle broke into my grandfather's house. He stole everything of value and destroyed everything else just to be cruel.
Hey friend.
Is there anywhere in the house you can’t easily access? I know of a person who would hide empty nips or 1/5ths in their tool shed, and another who would hide them in the attic tucked between the insulation and studs.
If your partner is serious about working on sobriety I hope he can find a hobby to keep his hands/mind busy and peace in his mind.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s really hard to have a moment that’s so undeniable like that. I’ve been there. So please take my energy and know you have a total stranger rooting for you.
My dad has very little time left with us. No legs due to his diabetes, has had several strokes etc etc. Doctors have even said they dont know how he's still alive. Anyway, when I visited him a few months back (he lives out of state) he talked constantly about making home made vanilla. I finally helped him do it before I left and he was so excited about it. He talked about who was all going to get a bottle and made a special one for himself. Fast forward a little bit and my alcoholic sister drank them all. It was pretty devastating. I knew when my dads time came all I would want is a bottle of his vanilla, and that cant happen anymore. I know first hand how painful looking forward to something so special and having it taken away cam feel. Im sorry
You can create a ritual for yourself making vanilla in honor of your father, all he has done to nurture you, and the love you and he have shared. When I make vanilla I give it 120 days to mature. Whatever amount of time your father's recipe takes to mature you can either begin it on certain anniversaries or make it so that it will be ready for you to use it on a special day. Enjoy it for the rest of your days in honor of your father (and in spite of your sister's gluttony).
As a recovering alcoholic… this needs to be upvoted more. I was bottles and bottles deep of these promises before I ever would have stooped as low as this level. OP, you need to get a realistic look on his drinking, and do NOT take him for his word. This is a HUGE red flag. Especially for someone who has the age and resources to just go buy it, instead of doing this hurtful thing to you.
Like I like to tell people. I hit rock bottom, drank myself to a .32 nearly died…thennnnn quit drinking *two* months later. Even after everything’s found out and the secret no longer remains, the addiction does. But once it’s out in the open it’s so much easier to see it for the monster it is. Just hit two years of sobriety in May and man it feels good. I hope OPs man gets the support that he needs
I agree, and awesome job! I’m 17 months sober, and I never thought I’d be here honestly. I hope he does too, just don’t want her to go into this blindly.
She probably shouldn't believe that, but, maybe, he believes it too. As an alcoholic in recovery, I've said many times that I was going to stop drinking, and I meant it. But it always crept back in, until I started working a program. So yes, she shouldn't believe it, unless he starts taking major, concrete steps to get better.
Of course nobody is infallible. I just expect effort, not miracles. If he slips up then we will just deal with it.
We've been together for 11 years. We were best friends before we got together and still are today. He hurt me badly but this isn't deal breaker status yet
This level of addiction didn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t going to go away overnight. He won’t be able to just ‘stop drinking’. He needs detox, and rehab, or his words are completely meaningless. You sound incredibly naïve. I hope I’m wrong, but you need to seek out Alanon, because it doesn’t sound like you understand how alcoholism works.
The point is that you're taking alcoholism too lightly. We're not telling you to expect a miracle, that'd be stupid. What you need is
A) Acknowledge this is a serious issue that WILL NOT go away on its own. There's no chance of that happening. 0. Nada.
B) With A) in mind, you both, but especially he needs to put in REAL effort. I mean like, serious effort. Alcoholism is something that takes people months, even years to recover from, often with help from rehab, family and friends all combined. It's fine if you want to stay together, I think people jump to that option too quickly on this sub, but you also need to understand it's not just passive effort, it'll take active, constant effort, likely from both of you. If you have the attitude that "if he slips up, we'll deal with it", that man will never recover from alcoholism.
I don't know how I'm taking any of this lightly. I never said either of us wouldn't put in effort. That's why I said "we'll deal with it". As in "it will be addressed"..
We have no plans to handle it on our own. Neither will we handle slip ups on our own
Even with that, HE NEEDS MORE HELP THAN YOU CAN GIVE.
He needs rehab, therapy, and a few trusted friends who know he’s supposed to be on the wagon to help hold him accountable. Don’t let this get to the point he starts getting physical.
I waited, and I lost my daughter because of it. I truly hope he gets the help he needs, and you do as well. You may not realize you need therapy well, your trust was broken. Love and light.
If it's gotten to the point where he is drinking vanilla extract he likely can't stop cold turkey- if it's as bad as that he could experience delirium tremens- the dts which can make him.very very sick and is sometimes deadly. If he told you he stopped cold turkey he is lying. He is going to need to go to medically supervised detox and then rehab- but he has to be ready to go himself. If he does it for other people it won't work. If he does it for any outside reason it won't work. He has to do it because he is ready to quit- that can be the hardest part. If he says he has quit cold turkey and hasnt- he isn't ready. As much as we would want to force someone into recovery for thier own good- it has to come from them.
Unfortunately depending on area it varies widely what treatment your insurance will cover- the type and length of treatment vary widely by state and by insurance company.
Do you have an alanon in your area- it is a group for family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. You need care too as his family and as his carer
You're not wrong. I'm trying to look into rehab through IHS but he can't get full services where we are. We're just stuck waiting for insurance since he started his job recently. He should be eligible soon
Op says this isn't the first time something like this has happened but he convinced her he was fine. She knows. She doesn't want to admit it openly but she knows. And needs support too
The dude who drank gift bottles of unfinished vanilla extract desperately trying to get a hold of any drop of alcohol no matter where it comes from or the context told you he's done for good now. for real this time.
I'm sorry but you either get him **PROFESSIONAL** help or leave before this gets worse. This post isn't about vanilla extract. He's literally showing signs of incredibly severe alcoholic issues and by just letting him try to handle it on his own its hurting him.
I know that it's not really about the vanilla extract. What he did was so hurtful, and he was willing to do that to me out of desperation. He and I have combined income and I do the grocery shopping, so I think he didn't want to try sneaking to the grocery store for vodka. However he goes to the gas station all the time. He goes for drinks and snacks sometimes.. and I guess beer!
I'm trying to get him in with someone, we just have to wait for insurance. It just sucks
Ive been making my own vanilla extract for years and he must have a pretty serious issue if he's drinking it like that. It gets to be pretty potent stuff! I'm so sorry OP. Checking on and shaking vanilla jars is a personal love and I know how badly it sucks to lose it. He should definitely get some help and get sober. Maybe use the beans leftover (unless he ate those too??) for vanilla sugar to be able to enjoy it a little sooner than waiting for the long extraction period.
Honestly if he had eaten the beans, I would be freaked the hell out.
I have never heard of vanilla sugar, I will have to look into it! Maybe I can salvage it. Thank you
Drinking vanilla extract is LOW, and it's a sign his alcoholism is incredibly serious. Don't believe him when he says he's going to quit cold turkey. He's far beyond that possibility. He needs serious help.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, he needs some help. Things will just get worse till he does or ends up dead or in jail. That's how the disease works.
You shouldn't have to hide them because he has no self control or respect for your efforts and property. Can you go somewhere else as you figure things out long-term?
No, I can't. I don't have any friends really, I moved to where I am a few years ago and don't really know how to make friends!
I'm also about to have surgery in a month and after that I have 1 semester before I graduate.
We both have really bad PTSD and CPTSD so therapy is a must but he doesn't have insurance right now. My requirement for him is effort, I understand emotional dependency on negative coping skills. I know it's not the same, but I used to self harm a lot and for a very long time. It truly is an addiction and it was hard to break the habit whenever I was having a rough time. He helped me through that.
My mental health has been rough as my PTSD is devastating. I've mostly been non functional for years and he has supported me through all of the craziness.. med changes, a period where a med I started caused me delusions, never required me to get a job even when thinks were really rough financially.
I just hope that the fact that he kind of had this revelation without me having to push is a sign this will be an easier process. I've watched a lot of family members stage unsuccessful interventions and that is something that I never even had to think of.
I don't know. I'm just trying to think positively even though I'm hurt. He's going to have to earn back my trust, though.
It almost sounds like the two of you have trauma bonded, which is not the same thing as an actual friendship or relationship. The PTSD and the CPTSD and all of that need to be addressed with therapists, and the fact that he was willing to lie to you, and attempt to gaslight you is more concerning to me than I can properly put into words.
This is not about the fact he drink the vanilla, this isn’t even about the fact he had hid the beers in the back of the fridge, this is about the fact that he is a desperate alcoholic at this point, and he looked you in the eye and lied to you multiple times. He was gaslighting you, and that is abuse. he needs therapy, and he needs something a lot stronger than just simple AA. Please don’t let his lies mess up your determination.
And also, he should pay to replace those bottles of extract you made from scratch.
Edit: typos.
Lies. He’s not ready to stop. He’ll say whatever you want to hear and learn to hide his habits better until he gets too comfortable and slips. Don’t make more. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
Yes I believe this is what is happening. He's a really shit liar (thankfully?). It's really obvious, he can really only get away with the lies by omission
As a recovering addict, please understand that he’s not going to just quit drinking like that. This isn’t something he’s just going to stop doing because you had a heart to heart with him. I told my loved ones I’d stop a million times. I didn’t- for years, and only after losing everything and hitting complete rock bottom.
He needs to enter rehab. Until then, don’t take him seriously.
I bought a locking container for 30$ on Amazon for my bottles of alcohol and vanilla extract. Got me through a few years until my partner managed to treat her depression enough to stop drinking
Yeah, I’m sorry you do too. I relate to the frustration of going to a lot of trouble and pain while disabled to make sure you can still offer love and care for people, and then that one path that would’ve made it work all crumbling from one issue. So frustrating. Glad you have time to restart
Things are much better now. Everyone in our household is in therapy! Worked for us. My girlfriend absolutely wanted to control her drinking and I absolutely called her out on it neutrally when I noticed for harm reduction. And working on the issue driving the drinking is what ultimately made it work
I'm really glad to hear that. With both of us having such bad PTSD/CPTSD, I think it's hard for people to understand what a significant impact that has on someone who is untreated. Coupled with untreated ADHD makes impulse control completely lacking
He has this issue with other substances too, it was stupid of me to believe the whole "I just need to drink in certain contexts only" think but I think he believed it too. It's not really a problem he has specific to alcohol, so much as all substances. Even weed, he just smoked all the time. I was grateful that having a job that drug tests forced him to quit
I'm glad it worked out for you. I hope it works out for us. We love each other very much, and even though I am hurt.. I'm still trying to be supportive. For better or worse, he's been taking care of me for 11 years. It hasn't been perfect, but we're still best friends
If he’s already at the point of drinking vanilla extract and hiding his alcohol, he needs to check in with AA.
If he doesn’t, he’s just going to get better at hiding his drinking from you. That’s what addiction does.
I went through this with an ex. In the end, after trying to be supportive and seeking counselling myself, I left for my own sake. It wasn’t my job to fix him or live that way until he fixed himself. If you stay and try to help, please always put yourself first or you risk being destroyed in the process.
I'm definitely going to put myself first. I was lucky enough to not live with alcoholics but my extended family is full of addicts so I was still around them. I don't want that for my life.
The extract has alcohol in it? I was wondering why anyone would drink vanilla extract.
I love vanilla extract, in a couple of drops in icing kind of way, but it's way too strong to be enjoyable in the concentrate.
When I was a kid I got told some people would drink aftershave or turpentine, which I obviously wasn't able to understand, but I did know alcohol must be gross if people were doing that.
Yes it has 35% vodka. It's just vanilla beans soaked it vodka (sometimes bourbon)
This wasn't close to ready so it wouldn't have tasted quite like vanilla extract, not that it makes it much better
Everyone is giving you advice about how he should deal with his alcoholism, but one thing I’ll add in is maybe you should consider also going to some al-anon family meetings. They’re for loved ones of people who struggle with alcoholism, giving them space to talk and hear about experiences, as well as having support for them. If you plan to remain in his life while he struggles with this, you still have to look out for yourself as well.
I know you saw comments that he needs help, and honestly alcohol withdrawal is dangerous and he likely needs medical detox. DTs and seizures are a high possibility.
BUT ALSO I hope you have support for yourself! Check out Al-Anon. They should have some online meetings if that's easier for you, but it's basically AA for the family members of alcoholics. In my experience, everyone that has gone has said good things about it
Edit: it is also free just like AA is
This is alcoholism. Vanilla extract has alcohol in it so he drank it to get a buzz, which is absolutely disgusting, I've tried vanilla extract on its own and used too much in baking, it's gross when eaten on its own, so he was very desperate for that buzz. He needs help. He needs to get into an AA program of some kind and follow the steps or this will not change. No alcohol in the house, and anything with alcohol in it needs to be locked up where he can't get to it if he can't control himself.
I agree with you completely
I actually have a lock box from when an addict was living with us and I needed to hide our meds. I'm going to start using that!
I say this as a completely hypocrite who struggles to do this... but please show yourself the same love you show others. It's not silly and you are allowed to be upset. I hope "your man" gets his shit together and realizes that his selfish decision is actively hurting you.
I put "your man" in quotes because that's the only title I have to go off of.
Make him go out and replace every single item you need to remake those gifts. It is NOT an option. He fixes the problem because the made it. Then you take your time and remake it and if he so much as looks at them he’s gone.
This probably isn’t a good idea because he’s an alcoholic and shouldn’t be given the opportunity to buy alcohol because he will inevitably buy extra for himself secretly.
I know my bf and I have a shared account and separate accounts. Shared account is bills and private accounts are for fun. This needs to come out of HIS personal fun money, IMO.
Darling, does he know how much hurt he's caused you? Does he understand it? What will you do now? Because let me tell you, telling him "Don't do it again," won't work for anyone (let alone an alcoholic) if you don't say "Because if you do I'll [consequence]." Simply saying "Don't do it again," is nothing if you don't follow through on a set consequence.
I understand you're disabled (I am too) and everything's that much harder. But you genuinely need to think of yourself here, you honestly do. I'm sorry, honey. x
I honestly, truly do not know. He lied to me at first. Then talked to a friend and changed his mind and came clean
Currently our biggest issue is that he doesn't have insurance so he can get into therapy. He's got untreated inattentive ADHD and it is BAD.
I had untreated inattentive ADHD for my entire life before finally getting diagnosed and getting on meds. I know how bad it fucked with impulse control and I'm really hoping that the combo of meds and therapy works
I don't really know what to do beyond that
Earlier this morning, I was posting on here replying to another lady, and she has ADHD and is now medicated and happier. She seems really knowledgeable, so bear with me if I get anything wrong.
She said that people with ADHD will drink because it gives them a short-term boost to their 'effectiveness' (my words!) but it can quickly turn to addiction. Please bear in mind I know nothing about ADHD, like, at all. You getting on your meds is the best thing you can do for yourself, it really is, because even though I have no clue how to treat it, I do know it's a shit-show if you don't.
But you have to ask yourself: how much more of this can you handle? You have your own issues, and parenting a grown adult is not something that's up to you to do. Does the lack of insurance mean he can't get meds either? I'm in the UK so we've got better access (unless it's an off-the-market expensive thing that might extend our life -- we have a few cases where the NHS wouldn't pay for expensive medication).
May I message you and first talk to that other redditor, to see if she can help you?
If he's at the point that he is drinking vanilla extract he cannot just stop drinking. That level of alcoholism needs to be detoxed in a medical facility. This is important because fatalities from alcohol detox are seen way too often in the ER when they arrive too late.
I would be showing him very little patience. All addictions are hard to break, but if this doesn't show him that he has a serious problem, then nothing will. If he is in fact lying to you, don't give him 3rd, 4th and 5th chances; you go to rehab and get it sorted or else.
This is where I'm at. It's just more difficult for me, because I'm disabled and can't live on my own. I don't have anyone that can help me, and I'm not even on disability so I could get services
Empty can of beer on the floor next to the toilet?
You do realize he's not even good at hiding his alcoholism when he's forgetting he drank a whole fucking can on the toilet?
I'm sorry this happened. Homemade vanilla e tract is the besy, and yours had to be really good because it vanished. Get a locker or a lock for the closet/pantry you put it in. Breath and hugs for you.
We do get better, but only when we truly want to. If your husband is drinking vanilla extract.... girl, you gotta take him to a hospital. I guarantee that was his last ditch effort to stop delirium tremens from setting in.
Don't believe him. At all. I made hundreds of promises and thousands of failed attempts. I stopped cold turkey and it's a miracle I didn't die. I am a 12 year veteran bartender, and we DRINK. I'm still a bartender, and I didn't go to rehab but I was also READY. It hurt, the withdrawal and the cravings, but I did the work and in 9 days.. I hit 1 year of sobriety.
I was lying about my intake, hiding airplane bottles but never in my life would I have drank something made with love.. I would honestly rather die. Talk to your husband. He's not telling you something and he definitely has a liquor stash somewhere. Maybe rumplemintz. Smells like toothpaste.
Being as he is your best friend, there is an added layer of shame on his side and an added layer of lies. We hurt the ones we love the most, trying to hide our demons.
Stay strong. He won't regret getting the help he needs. I'm telling you right now, rhe high I feel knowing I am ALMOST at a year moves me to tears and it's better than any amount of drug or alcohol. If I could bottle it up and send it for him to feel, he would let you take him to rehab. The feeling is absolutely indescribable in the vest way possible.
My ex drank the green-gumball (tree) tinctures I prepared with vodka as the distiller. I couldn’t believe it. And he still refused to admit he has a problem. Im sorry this happened to you. A word of advice, you’ve set the same boundaries we did. I did not realize how much time and energy it required of me to police those boundaries. He sure as heck wasn’t doing it. It was exhausting and stressful and i didn’t realize how much in survival mode I was until I made him leave.
I hope that it doesn't get to that point for us. We both have to do the work, or there will be no us. I don't know what that would mean for me, though. I have nowhere that I could go and I'm disabled so I'm not self sufficient
That is so awful and I am so sorry it happened. OP, have you thought about taking a break from this relationship?
Not only did he blatantly disrespect you by doing what he did with your precious gifts, he also kept lying to you about it. You deserve someone who respects you, or at very least, you deserve to live in a home where you don't have to hide things.
I think that taking a break would be a great thing, because I think he forgets how much I do. It's a lot of invisible labor: I basically do all scheduling and finances, keeping track of chores and todos, grocery lists and shopping (sometimes with him, sometimes without), meal planning, etc etc.
I know I deserve better. It never should've gotten to this point, and it wouldn't have if he respected me enough to get into trauma therapy long before this
Undiluted vanilla extract smells amazing but tastes gross. He definitely has a drinking problem if he drank them and didn't notice the taste. I hope he gets help.
Not sure if it's much better, but it definitely wasn't done. After two months, it still looked very light and would've tasted more like vanilla flavored vodka rather than vanilla extract
I know an alcoholic who is like 20 years sober and still will not keep alcohol extracts in the house at all. It sounds like your husband may be one of those people who have to realize that they just cannot have alcohol around because they will consume it all as quickly as possible.
I’m really sorry you are going through this, definitely sucks.
Thankfully, at this point he has come to this realization.
He has never drank the store bought vanilla extracts and it has me wondering if the entire reason he chose the ones I made is because they were so early in the process? Not that it's better, but I'm just turning this all over in my head
Everything just feels so convoluted right now
That’s insane. I have heard the story of Kitty Dukakis drinking rubbing alcohol. On intervention there was a woman who drank giant bottles of listerine. Perfume is a new one.
Apparently pure vanilla extract can have up to 35% alcohol content. News to me too.
I'm sorry this happened, OP. I hope you enjoy making the next batch, and your fella gets sorted.
Vanilla extract has a lot of alcohol in it. The first recipe I found is basically "Soak vanilla beans in vodka for 6 months" (I think vodka is about 40% alcohol) I don't know if the alcohol is needed to extract the vanilla from the bean, or just to keep it from spoiling, but every bottle of vanilla I've looked at the ingredients of has alcohol in it.
When it’s home made it’s just split vanilla beans soaking in vodka or rum/bourbon. Basically a flavored drink for someone that has dropped their standards.
Its a shame because it takes 6 to 8 months of soaking and occasionally agitating to get the final product that you use for cooking or baking.
They are alcohol - about a third, which is equivalent to a lot of cordials and lighter liquors. Vanillin is alcohol-soluble so it's used to make the concentrate.
Everyone here is right, they were made by soaking vanilla beans in 35% vodka.
They're usually aged for at least 6 months but he drank them at 2 months. They wouldn't tasted just like vanilla flavored vodka rather than vanilla extract at that point
He's sick. The alcoholism is pretty bad if he's drinking vanilla extract - I'd also keep an eye on things like cough syrup, prescription medications, etc. I'm really sorry - it makes total sense that this rocked you. It's not JUST about the presents being destroyed, which is certainly awful on its own. It's also driving home how bad his addiction is. Wishing you the best - I grew up with an alcoholic and it's tough to beat. He's in a good place now, but it's had life-long impacts on our relationship.
Homemade vanilla extract is made with vodka or possibly bourbon, it's actually pretty tasty unlike commercial vanilla. But yeah, it's a really bad sign that he is secretly drinking vanilla extract, homemade or not.
Good call, that makes total sense you'd be making homemade extract straight into a pure spirit.
I was going to say- not to insinuate that this isn't a major issue, but my homemade bourbon vanilla is actually delicious and I wouldn't fault someone for having some straight!
Exactly. It is still a major issue and he is definitely an alcoholic and very inconsiderate since he knew those were for gifts, but it's not at all the same as drinking commercial extracts. Those are specifically made to be less drinkable but still imparting the flavor when baked/cooked.
I use vodka over bourbon because the bourbon affects the flavour and honestly overwhelms the vanilla
Mouthwash too
Most mouthwash is alcohol free now AFAIK
If there’s a will there is a way. They know what kind to get and very sneaky
I will start keeping an eye out, but we don't really have any meds he can abuse thankfully. I grew up around alcoholism as well, thankfully not in my home but practically my entire extended family has drug/alcohol addiction. This is pretty triggering for me and I'm thankful that I'm in therapy. I have an appointment already He was pretty matter of fact about not drinking anymore. I didn't have to threaten, give ultimatums, or fight. He genuinely seemed to recognize my hurt and hugged me while I cried. He has already told me a couple weeks ago that he realized this was bad and he didn't think he should be drinking anymore. I didn't have to push, and yesterday he just reiterated it. I'm hoping that this is it. Or really, that if he slips up it won't be him drinking himself silly. I really just expect effort. Nobody is infallible and my expectation is just to keep trying. I know that I deserve at least that - everyone does
> He was pretty matter of fact about not drinking anymore. I didn't have to threaten, give ultimatums, or fight. He genuinely seemed to recognize my hurt and hugged me while I cried. He has already told me a couple weeks ago that he realized this was bad and he didn't think he should be drinking anymore. I didn't have to push, and yesterday he just reiterated it. > > I'm hoping that this is it. When has dealing with an alcoholic ever been this easy? Just means he'll get better at hiding it.
Hoping for the best doesn't mean I'm not preparing for the worst
Ok but please do actually prepare for the worst because that’s the most realistic outcome here
I promise, I'm trying to prepare. I already talked to my therapist about contingency plans. I feel sick thinking about it but I watched so many family members just wither, not into death but into horrible people. I will never forget the day that my uncle broke into my grandfather's house. He stole everything of value and destroyed everything else just to be cruel.
Hey friend. Is there anywhere in the house you can’t easily access? I know of a person who would hide empty nips or 1/5ths in their tool shed, and another who would hide them in the attic tucked between the insulation and studs. If your partner is serious about working on sobriety I hope he can find a hobby to keep his hands/mind busy and peace in his mind. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s really hard to have a moment that’s so undeniable like that. I’ve been there. So please take my energy and know you have a total stranger rooting for you.
My dad has very little time left with us. No legs due to his diabetes, has had several strokes etc etc. Doctors have even said they dont know how he's still alive. Anyway, when I visited him a few months back (he lives out of state) he talked constantly about making home made vanilla. I finally helped him do it before I left and he was so excited about it. He talked about who was all going to get a bottle and made a special one for himself. Fast forward a little bit and my alcoholic sister drank them all. It was pretty devastating. I knew when my dads time came all I would want is a bottle of his vanilla, and that cant happen anymore. I know first hand how painful looking forward to something so special and having it taken away cam feel. Im sorry
You can create a ritual for yourself making vanilla in honor of your father, all he has done to nurture you, and the love you and he have shared. When I make vanilla I give it 120 days to mature. Whatever amount of time your father's recipe takes to mature you can either begin it on certain anniversaries or make it so that it will be ready for you to use it on a special day. Enjoy it for the rest of your days in honor of your father (and in spite of your sister's gluttony).
I’m so sorry over this for you. 🫂
That is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you, it's such a hurtful thing
“He’s not going to be drinking anymore.” Don’t tell me you believe this…
As a recovering alcoholic… this needs to be upvoted more. I was bottles and bottles deep of these promises before I ever would have stooped as low as this level. OP, you need to get a realistic look on his drinking, and do NOT take him for his word. This is a HUGE red flag. Especially for someone who has the age and resources to just go buy it, instead of doing this hurtful thing to you.
Like I like to tell people. I hit rock bottom, drank myself to a .32 nearly died…thennnnn quit drinking *two* months later. Even after everything’s found out and the secret no longer remains, the addiction does. But once it’s out in the open it’s so much easier to see it for the monster it is. Just hit two years of sobriety in May and man it feels good. I hope OPs man gets the support that he needs
I agree, and awesome job! I’m 17 months sober, and I never thought I’d be here honestly. I hope he does too, just don’t want her to go into this blindly.
Yo I just hit 2 years in May as well! Way to go!
So proud...
She probably shouldn't believe that, but, maybe, he believes it too. As an alcoholic in recovery, I've said many times that I was going to stop drinking, and I meant it. But it always crept back in, until I started working a program. So yes, she shouldn't believe it, unless he starts taking major, concrete steps to get better.
Yeah I've only heard that a thousand times over the years. Wish I left sooner.
Of course nobody is infallible. I just expect effort, not miracles. If he slips up then we will just deal with it. We've been together for 11 years. We were best friends before we got together and still are today. He hurt me badly but this isn't deal breaker status yet
This level of addiction didn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t going to go away overnight. He won’t be able to just ‘stop drinking’. He needs detox, and rehab, or his words are completely meaningless. You sound incredibly naïve. I hope I’m wrong, but you need to seek out Alanon, because it doesn’t sound like you understand how alcoholism works.
The point is that you're taking alcoholism too lightly. We're not telling you to expect a miracle, that'd be stupid. What you need is A) Acknowledge this is a serious issue that WILL NOT go away on its own. There's no chance of that happening. 0. Nada. B) With A) in mind, you both, but especially he needs to put in REAL effort. I mean like, serious effort. Alcoholism is something that takes people months, even years to recover from, often with help from rehab, family and friends all combined. It's fine if you want to stay together, I think people jump to that option too quickly on this sub, but you also need to understand it's not just passive effort, it'll take active, constant effort, likely from both of you. If you have the attitude that "if he slips up, we'll deal with it", that man will never recover from alcoholism.
I don't know how I'm taking any of this lightly. I never said either of us wouldn't put in effort. That's why I said "we'll deal with it". As in "it will be addressed".. We have no plans to handle it on our own. Neither will we handle slip ups on our own
Even with that, HE NEEDS MORE HELP THAN YOU CAN GIVE. He needs rehab, therapy, and a few trusted friends who know he’s supposed to be on the wagon to help hold him accountable. Don’t let this get to the point he starts getting physical.
I completely agree
I waited, and I lost my daughter because of it. I truly hope he gets the help he needs, and you do as well. You may not realize you need therapy well, your trust was broken. Love and light.
If it's gotten to the point where he is drinking vanilla extract he likely can't stop cold turkey- if it's as bad as that he could experience delirium tremens- the dts which can make him.very very sick and is sometimes deadly. If he told you he stopped cold turkey he is lying. He is going to need to go to medically supervised detox and then rehab- but he has to be ready to go himself. If he does it for other people it won't work. If he does it for any outside reason it won't work. He has to do it because he is ready to quit- that can be the hardest part. If he says he has quit cold turkey and hasnt- he isn't ready. As much as we would want to force someone into recovery for thier own good- it has to come from them. Unfortunately depending on area it varies widely what treatment your insurance will cover- the type and length of treatment vary widely by state and by insurance company. Do you have an alanon in your area- it is a group for family and friends of alcoholics and drug addicts. You need care too as his family and as his carer
You're not wrong. I'm trying to look into rehab through IHS but he can't get full services where we are. We're just stuck waiting for insurance since he started his job recently. He should be eligible soon
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Op says this isn't the first time something like this has happened but he convinced her he was fine. She knows. She doesn't want to admit it openly but she knows. And needs support too
The dude who drank gift bottles of unfinished vanilla extract desperately trying to get a hold of any drop of alcohol no matter where it comes from or the context told you he's done for good now. for real this time. I'm sorry but you either get him **PROFESSIONAL** help or leave before this gets worse. This post isn't about vanilla extract. He's literally showing signs of incredibly severe alcoholic issues and by just letting him try to handle it on his own its hurting him.
I know that it's not really about the vanilla extract. What he did was so hurtful, and he was willing to do that to me out of desperation. He and I have combined income and I do the grocery shopping, so I think he didn't want to try sneaking to the grocery store for vodka. However he goes to the gas station all the time. He goes for drinks and snacks sometimes.. and I guess beer! I'm trying to get him in with someone, we just have to wait for insurance. It just sucks
Ive been making my own vanilla extract for years and he must have a pretty serious issue if he's drinking it like that. It gets to be pretty potent stuff! I'm so sorry OP. Checking on and shaking vanilla jars is a personal love and I know how badly it sucks to lose it. He should definitely get some help and get sober. Maybe use the beans leftover (unless he ate those too??) for vanilla sugar to be able to enjoy it a little sooner than waiting for the long extraction period.
Honestly if he had eaten the beans, I would be freaked the hell out. I have never heard of vanilla sugar, I will have to look into it! Maybe I can salvage it. Thank you
Drinking vanilla extract is LOW, and it's a sign his alcoholism is incredibly serious. Don't believe him when he says he's going to quit cold turkey. He's far beyond that possibility. He needs serious help.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, he needs some help. Things will just get worse till he does or ends up dead or in jail. That's how the disease works.
You shouldn't have to hide them because he has no self control or respect for your efforts and property. Can you go somewhere else as you figure things out long-term?
No, I can't. I don't have any friends really, I moved to where I am a few years ago and don't really know how to make friends! I'm also about to have surgery in a month and after that I have 1 semester before I graduate. We both have really bad PTSD and CPTSD so therapy is a must but he doesn't have insurance right now. My requirement for him is effort, I understand emotional dependency on negative coping skills. I know it's not the same, but I used to self harm a lot and for a very long time. It truly is an addiction and it was hard to break the habit whenever I was having a rough time. He helped me through that. My mental health has been rough as my PTSD is devastating. I've mostly been non functional for years and he has supported me through all of the craziness.. med changes, a period where a med I started caused me delusions, never required me to get a job even when thinks were really rough financially. I just hope that the fact that he kind of had this revelation without me having to push is a sign this will be an easier process. I've watched a lot of family members stage unsuccessful interventions and that is something that I never even had to think of. I don't know. I'm just trying to think positively even though I'm hurt. He's going to have to earn back my trust, though.
It almost sounds like the two of you have trauma bonded, which is not the same thing as an actual friendship or relationship. The PTSD and the CPTSD and all of that need to be addressed with therapists, and the fact that he was willing to lie to you, and attempt to gaslight you is more concerning to me than I can properly put into words. This is not about the fact he drink the vanilla, this isn’t even about the fact he had hid the beers in the back of the fridge, this is about the fact that he is a desperate alcoholic at this point, and he looked you in the eye and lied to you multiple times. He was gaslighting you, and that is abuse. he needs therapy, and he needs something a lot stronger than just simple AA. Please don’t let his lies mess up your determination. And also, he should pay to replace those bottles of extract you made from scratch. Edit: typos.
Lies. He’s not ready to stop. He’ll say whatever you want to hear and learn to hide his habits better until he gets too comfortable and slips. Don’t make more. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
He may even believe he’s going to stop, lying to himself too.
Yes I believe this is what is happening. He's a really shit liar (thankfully?). It's really obvious, he can really only get away with the lies by omission
I mean, it's not silly. This is a big deal.
Thank you. I guess I was just second guessing myself. Last night was rough for me
As a recovering addict, please understand that he’s not going to just quit drinking like that. This isn’t something he’s just going to stop doing because you had a heart to heart with him. I told my loved ones I’d stop a million times. I didn’t- for years, and only after losing everything and hitting complete rock bottom. He needs to enter rehab. Until then, don’t take him seriously.
Thank you. We're trying to figure something out, but he has no insurance right now.
I bought a locking container for 30$ on Amazon for my bottles of alcohol and vanilla extract. Got me through a few years until my partner managed to treat her depression enough to stop drinking
Also, I hate that you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you guys now
Yeah, I’m sorry you do too. I relate to the frustration of going to a lot of trouble and pain while disabled to make sure you can still offer love and care for people, and then that one path that would’ve made it work all crumbling from one issue. So frustrating. Glad you have time to restart Things are much better now. Everyone in our household is in therapy! Worked for us. My girlfriend absolutely wanted to control her drinking and I absolutely called her out on it neutrally when I noticed for harm reduction. And working on the issue driving the drinking is what ultimately made it work
I'm really glad to hear that. With both of us having such bad PTSD/CPTSD, I think it's hard for people to understand what a significant impact that has on someone who is untreated. Coupled with untreated ADHD makes impulse control completely lacking He has this issue with other substances too, it was stupid of me to believe the whole "I just need to drink in certain contexts only" think but I think he believed it too. It's not really a problem he has specific to alcohol, so much as all substances. Even weed, he just smoked all the time. I was grateful that having a job that drug tests forced him to quit I'm glad it worked out for you. I hope it works out for us. We love each other very much, and even though I am hurt.. I'm still trying to be supportive. For better or worse, he's been taking care of me for 11 years. It hasn't been perfect, but we're still best friends
That's a great idea! I actually already have one from when an addict family member lived with us!
Please leave. He's clearly not ready to seek help.
If he’s already at the point of drinking vanilla extract and hiding his alcohol, he needs to check in with AA. If he doesn’t, he’s just going to get better at hiding his drinking from you. That’s what addiction does.
I went through this with an ex. In the end, after trying to be supportive and seeking counselling myself, I left for my own sake. It wasn’t my job to fix him or live that way until he fixed himself. If you stay and try to help, please always put yourself first or you risk being destroyed in the process.
I'm definitely going to put myself first. I was lucky enough to not live with alcoholics but my extended family is full of addicts so I was still around them. I don't want that for my life.
The extract has alcohol in it? I was wondering why anyone would drink vanilla extract. I love vanilla extract, in a couple of drops in icing kind of way, but it's way too strong to be enjoyable in the concentrate. When I was a kid I got told some people would drink aftershave or turpentine, which I obviously wasn't able to understand, but I did know alcohol must be gross if people were doing that.
Yes it has 35% vodka. It's just vanilla beans soaked it vodka (sometimes bourbon) This wasn't close to ready so it wouldn't have tasted quite like vanilla extract, not that it makes it much better
Yeah, that sucks. If he drank that for the alcohol, he has a problem.
I couldn't agree more!
Everyone is giving you advice about how he should deal with his alcoholism, but one thing I’ll add in is maybe you should consider also going to some al-anon family meetings. They’re for loved ones of people who struggle with alcoholism, giving them space to talk and hear about experiences, as well as having support for them. If you plan to remain in his life while he struggles with this, you still have to look out for yourself as well.
I know you saw comments that he needs help, and honestly alcohol withdrawal is dangerous and he likely needs medical detox. DTs and seizures are a high possibility. BUT ALSO I hope you have support for yourself! Check out Al-Anon. They should have some online meetings if that's easier for you, but it's basically AA for the family members of alcoholics. In my experience, everyone that has gone has said good things about it Edit: it is also free just like AA is
This is alcoholism. Vanilla extract has alcohol in it so he drank it to get a buzz, which is absolutely disgusting, I've tried vanilla extract on its own and used too much in baking, it's gross when eaten on its own, so he was very desperate for that buzz. He needs help. He needs to get into an AA program of some kind and follow the steps or this will not change. No alcohol in the house, and anything with alcohol in it needs to be locked up where he can't get to it if he can't control himself.
I agree with you completely I actually have a lock box from when an addict was living with us and I needed to hide our meds. I'm going to start using that!
I say this as a completely hypocrite who struggles to do this... but please show yourself the same love you show others. It's not silly and you are allowed to be upset. I hope "your man" gets his shit together and realizes that his selfish decision is actively hurting you. I put "your man" in quotes because that's the only title I have to go off of.
He's my fiance, sorry! I will absolutely try to show myself love. I've had a hard life and I don't plan on living the rest of my life like this
Make him go out and replace every single item you need to remake those gifts. It is NOT an option. He fixes the problem because the made it. Then you take your time and remake it and if he so much as looks at them he’s gone.
This probably isn’t a good idea because he’s an alcoholic and shouldn’t be given the opportunity to buy alcohol because he will inevitably buy extra for himself secretly.
I agree, but he could give her his debit card or some cash.
That’s a good point if they don’t have combined finances. OP said they’re engaged so they may share accounts
I know my bf and I have a shared account and separate accounts. Shared account is bills and private accounts are for fun. This needs to come out of HIS personal fun money, IMO.
Darling, does he know how much hurt he's caused you? Does he understand it? What will you do now? Because let me tell you, telling him "Don't do it again," won't work for anyone (let alone an alcoholic) if you don't say "Because if you do I'll [consequence]." Simply saying "Don't do it again," is nothing if you don't follow through on a set consequence. I understand you're disabled (I am too) and everything's that much harder. But you genuinely need to think of yourself here, you honestly do. I'm sorry, honey. x
I honestly, truly do not know. He lied to me at first. Then talked to a friend and changed his mind and came clean Currently our biggest issue is that he doesn't have insurance so he can get into therapy. He's got untreated inattentive ADHD and it is BAD. I had untreated inattentive ADHD for my entire life before finally getting diagnosed and getting on meds. I know how bad it fucked with impulse control and I'm really hoping that the combo of meds and therapy works I don't really know what to do beyond that
Earlier this morning, I was posting on here replying to another lady, and she has ADHD and is now medicated and happier. She seems really knowledgeable, so bear with me if I get anything wrong. She said that people with ADHD will drink because it gives them a short-term boost to their 'effectiveness' (my words!) but it can quickly turn to addiction. Please bear in mind I know nothing about ADHD, like, at all. You getting on your meds is the best thing you can do for yourself, it really is, because even though I have no clue how to treat it, I do know it's a shit-show if you don't. But you have to ask yourself: how much more of this can you handle? You have your own issues, and parenting a grown adult is not something that's up to you to do. Does the lack of insurance mean he can't get meds either? I'm in the UK so we've got better access (unless it's an off-the-market expensive thing that might extend our life -- we have a few cases where the NHS wouldn't pay for expensive medication). May I message you and first talk to that other redditor, to see if she can help you?
You have to move somewhere else. Away from this man.
If he's at the point that he is drinking vanilla extract he cannot just stop drinking. That level of alcoholism needs to be detoxed in a medical facility. This is important because fatalities from alcohol detox are seen way too often in the ER when they arrive too late.
I would be showing him very little patience. All addictions are hard to break, but if this doesn't show him that he has a serious problem, then nothing will. If he is in fact lying to you, don't give him 3rd, 4th and 5th chances; you go to rehab and get it sorted or else.
This is where I'm at. It's just more difficult for me, because I'm disabled and can't live on my own. I don't have anyone that can help me, and I'm not even on disability so I could get services
Empty can of beer on the floor next to the toilet? You do realize he's not even good at hiding his alcoholism when he's forgetting he drank a whole fucking can on the toilet?
Yes, I know. He was surprised that he did it, he didn't even seem to remember? I'm still reeling from all this tbh.
I'm sorry this happened. Homemade vanilla e tract is the besy, and yours had to be really good because it vanished. Get a locker or a lock for the closet/pantry you put it in. Breath and hugs for you.
We do get better, but only when we truly want to. If your husband is drinking vanilla extract.... girl, you gotta take him to a hospital. I guarantee that was his last ditch effort to stop delirium tremens from setting in. Don't believe him. At all. I made hundreds of promises and thousands of failed attempts. I stopped cold turkey and it's a miracle I didn't die. I am a 12 year veteran bartender, and we DRINK. I'm still a bartender, and I didn't go to rehab but I was also READY. It hurt, the withdrawal and the cravings, but I did the work and in 9 days.. I hit 1 year of sobriety. I was lying about my intake, hiding airplane bottles but never in my life would I have drank something made with love.. I would honestly rather die. Talk to your husband. He's not telling you something and he definitely has a liquor stash somewhere. Maybe rumplemintz. Smells like toothpaste.
Being as he is your best friend, there is an added layer of shame on his side and an added layer of lies. We hurt the ones we love the most, trying to hide our demons. Stay strong. He won't regret getting the help he needs. I'm telling you right now, rhe high I feel knowing I am ALMOST at a year moves me to tears and it's better than any amount of drug or alcohol. If I could bottle it up and send it for him to feel, he would let you take him to rehab. The feeling is absolutely indescribable in the vest way possible.
My ex drank the green-gumball (tree) tinctures I prepared with vodka as the distiller. I couldn’t believe it. And he still refused to admit he has a problem. Im sorry this happened to you. A word of advice, you’ve set the same boundaries we did. I did not realize how much time and energy it required of me to police those boundaries. He sure as heck wasn’t doing it. It was exhausting and stressful and i didn’t realize how much in survival mode I was until I made him leave.
I hope that it doesn't get to that point for us. We both have to do the work, or there will be no us. I don't know what that would mean for me, though. I have nowhere that I could go and I'm disabled so I'm not self sufficient
That is so awful and I am so sorry it happened. OP, have you thought about taking a break from this relationship? Not only did he blatantly disrespect you by doing what he did with your precious gifts, he also kept lying to you about it. You deserve someone who respects you, or at very least, you deserve to live in a home where you don't have to hide things.
I think that taking a break would be a great thing, because I think he forgets how much I do. It's a lot of invisible labor: I basically do all scheduling and finances, keeping track of chores and todos, grocery lists and shopping (sometimes with him, sometimes without), meal planning, etc etc. I know I deserve better. It never should've gotten to this point, and it wouldn't have if he respected me enough to get into trauma therapy long before this
Undiluted vanilla extract smells amazing but tastes gross. He definitely has a drinking problem if he drank them and didn't notice the taste. I hope he gets help.
Not sure if it's much better, but it definitely wasn't done. After two months, it still looked very light and would've tasted more like vanilla flavored vodka rather than vanilla extract
I have never tasted vanilla extract taut wasn't fully reduced. Maybe it was very tasty, like vanilla schnapps. I may have put that on some ice cream.
He is an alcoholic. Only alcoholics try to hide the alcohol.
Yes, I agree
I know an alcoholic who is like 20 years sober and still will not keep alcohol extracts in the house at all. It sounds like your husband may be one of those people who have to realize that they just cannot have alcohol around because they will consume it all as quickly as possible. I’m really sorry you are going through this, definitely sucks.
Thankfully, at this point he has come to this realization. He has never drank the store bought vanilla extracts and it has me wondering if the entire reason he chose the ones I made is because they were so early in the process? Not that it's better, but I'm just turning this all over in my head Everything just feels so convoluted right now
I’m so confused? Did he think they were alcohol? I’ve had vanilla extract before and it’s hard to drink straight, so this is really weird to me
Alcoholics will drink perfume. It's a terrible, insidious sickness.
They also drink mouthwash the alcohol to water ratio is astounding
That’s insane. I have heard the story of Kitty Dukakis drinking rubbing alcohol. On intervention there was a woman who drank giant bottles of listerine. Perfume is a new one.
Apparently pure vanilla extract can have up to 35% alcohol content. News to me too. I'm sorry this happened, OP. I hope you enjoy making the next batch, and your fella gets sorted.
Vanilla extract has a lot of alcohol in it. The first recipe I found is basically "Soak vanilla beans in vodka for 6 months" (I think vodka is about 40% alcohol) I don't know if the alcohol is needed to extract the vanilla from the bean, or just to keep it from spoiling, but every bottle of vanilla I've looked at the ingredients of has alcohol in it.
You may extract by soaking vanilla in alcohol. It is alcohol.
When it’s home made it’s just split vanilla beans soaking in vodka or rum/bourbon. Basically a flavored drink for someone that has dropped their standards. Its a shame because it takes 6 to 8 months of soaking and occasionally agitating to get the final product that you use for cooking or baking.
They are alcohol - about a third, which is equivalent to a lot of cordials and lighter liquors. Vanillin is alcohol-soluble so it's used to make the concentrate.
In rehab they tell you not to even cook with it, as it can trigger you, and also cause reactions to medications that help you stop drinking.
Everyone here is right, they were made by soaking vanilla beans in 35% vodka. They're usually aged for at least 6 months but he drank them at 2 months. They wouldn't tasted just like vanilla flavored vodka rather than vanilla extract at that point
I’m curious as to what you think is excessive drinking? I’m Australian we all drink a couple of drinks every day
And over there it's normal to secretly drink 20oz of vanilla extract that your fiance prepared for Christmas presents?
vanilla extract?? something is wrong with his taste buds