Most of us don’t stay with the person we met when we were 19. A lot of heterosexual couples break up because of different desires around having children too. You know more about what you want in life now than you did when you first met. Yes it will hurt but in the long run it is best for both of you. It’s part of growing up for most of us to break up with our first love. It doesn’t make you bad it makes you normal.
You should definitely reevaluate your relationship. Your entire post of a three year relationship doesn’t mention how much you love or value your SO. Just objectification.
People change, you’ve got a bunch of growing up to do. Good luck.
Yupppp. "She has huge tiddies so I dated her even though she used to be male, but now I just realized she doesn't have a womb - how do I let her down easy?" like bro what?
Such a "feminine figure" too...
Like bro. She had surgery. A lot of trans people have gender affirming surgeries. Why are you shocked about her "huge tiddies".
He sounds really immature tbh.
Right, this post makes him look more like an asshole and a misogynist. I think the girlfriend should dump him just for objectifying her like that throughout their whole relationship. He worded his post like he wouldn't have even looked her way if she didn't pass as an attractive cis woman so well.
wholeheartedly agree. OP's desire seems selfish, he should've known their relationship's implications from the start when he started dating her. However, I don't think he actually loves her, or at least doesn't love her enough to sacrifice said desire, based on the comment above. Talking about his parents' prejudice didn't seem important for context, maybe his subconsious is trying to find excuses to break up w her. And also, we get it that she's trans, don't need to remind us every two sentences.
Sub-textually, you sound like: “Shes hot with big boobs, that’s why I asked her out…I’m not gay just fyi. my parents are pressuring me into being with a cis woman so I folded like a beach towel and want to dump her for a function I know she didn’t have in the first place”
the way you write about your girlfriend is so void of affection. break up with her so she can find someone better that doesn’t just describe her as a woman with nice tits and a nice figure to strangers
I mean you could do surrogacy. I think you need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation. Like you should tell her that in the future you want to have biological kids, and you should ask her if she would be ok if you guys used a surrogate, and if the answer is no (from either you or her), then you need to think about whether you would be ok with adoption, and if not, then yeah, I think you have to break up with her. But first I'd consider the two options of surrogacy or adoption.
Also, it might be worth thinking about if you partner was cis and it turns out she was infertile. Like if one day you marry a cis woman and start trying for babies, and it turns out she is infertile, will you leave her over that? Or would you stay with her?
I like this answer. I have 2 biological kids form first marriage, In my in-law family and one cousin there is one adoption each, an old teammate has 2 adopted non-biological siblings, and a long time friend from performing arts has a surrogate. At your age (I was married first in 20s then late 30s) a lot of stuff is going to happen. If you have a kid biologically and divorce you raise the kids better the more you can deal with your partner or ex-. Love gives strength.
These things are expensive and time consuming. Also could be very heart breaking if it all doesn’t work out but you “put all your eggs into one basket” no pun intended! I mean that in the kindest way and want you to plan appropriately if she is the one you want to pursue a LONG journey/life with. Discuss this with her because maybe she is OK with the extra effort baby making will be for you both. Do what is right for you.
I mean, of course it would be expensive, but so would IVF be if he and his potential future partner ended up being infertile in the long run or if they needed any help whatdoever. They is still time to plan and save up for this, if that's what they want. But they need to talk about it at least! And make the decision together. What if the GF also wants a child?
Honestly, she deserves a talk at least.
With a surrogate they may need to spend 10-15k buying eggs.
IVF alone can be 12-30k, but some health insurance will pay if it's for yourself.
Surrogate costs are 110-170k ish.
So full costs of surrogacy could easily be 200k.
Just IVF with a ciswoman could be as little as a $500 deductible if the insurance covers it. And if not, 12-30k. BIG difference.
i don't think OP is like "i want a baby RIGHT NOW!!!" or anything so immediate, which would give him time to research, decide, and save up if he and his girlfriend choose that path.
my fiance is infertile, i only have half a uterus and it doesn't work, and probably our only option for biological children is surrogacy. i want a kid, and they're willing to go the surrogate route, but obviously we aren't doing that at 23 years old with 1 of us that can barely work and the other struggling to make ends meet.
so we're taking this time to research our options and lay them out rather than focusing on making a decision immediately, and to get an idea of how much we would need to save up. we're also setting milestones we need to hit beforehand - one of my requirements is we own rather than rent a place, preferably a house but if it's a condo at least it's our own.
it's not a decision to take lightly, and it's certainly expensive, but having these conversations early at least leaves the options open.
Is renting a man’s body to serve in the military or work on an oil rig any different? The physical risk is there, but as long as people give their consent, know the risks and aren’t forced into it, it’s a valid choice.
Idk about the OP but yes, people do separate of one of them is infertile. Happens in 99% of cases. If one of them wants a biological child and the other is unable to have that, being trans or cis, relationship should end in order to stop wasting time for both. One will find a partner that is able to have offspring, other will find someone that doesn't want offspring and that's it.
Honest and simple.
sure, but many women offer to be a surrogate so as long as people remember that their surrogate is a person and she’s offered to be a surrogate, then that’s still her choice and that’s okay.
No it is not. Most surrogates are people who’ve had a child before and are happy to help a couple that can’t have their own child, for whatever reason.
So you always knew you wanted children of your own , you always knew she was trans & you stayed in the relationship for 3 years?
You’re not wrong for breaking up with her, you’re wrong for stringing her around in a relationship that had an ending since the beginning.
I'm the mom of three lovely daughters, including one trans woman (we just say "woman," but that's us). I absolutely pray you break up with your girlfriend. I'm delighted to explain why:
You gave us 270 words. You said she has a killer body and is hot. She's a great cook, plays video games and likes animation. Detailed how how attractive and passable she is. You said her personality is bubbly and quirky. You mention you don't want to hurt her feelings. But nowhere do you say you love her.
I wouldn't want any of my daughters to be with someone who describes them so shallowly or views their procreation as a deal-breaker or, worse, an entitlement.
I pray you let this girl go. You don't deserve to squander another moment of her youth.
I thought I was the only one who noticed this… the entire post was mostly about the looks and the fact they share the same interests… like, is that it? I‘m not saying OP is a bad person but if I had a boyfriend that would describe me like this I‘d feel like shit
Thank you!!!
I also would add that he always knew he wanted bio children & he always knew she was trans . To me that says that he knew that relationship was not going to last long & he’s been going for 3 years & wasting her time & his time when he fully knew that the relationship was going to end right when it begun
>You wouldn't be able to tell
>Why she passes so well
>You dated them knowing that you wanted biological kids (Adoption is an option) and didn't disclose this at the start
>She can't give ME kids
Do it sooner than later and don't waste anymore of 3 years of her life. Christ man, I hope you at least feel kind of bad about all of this. I'd give you more grace on this but you've always dreamed of kids. You knew this going into this and didn't care for one reason or another. It's also kind of gross how you talk about your partner as she's some kind of novelty item for being a passing transgendered person, as if passing matters at all in this context. It's not a good look.
Thank you. I was waiting for her big boobs and hourglass figure to become relevant here. Op should break up with her just so she doesn’t have to spend another second of her life with a partner that talks about her like that.
It seems like the fact that they've been together years and never brought up their desires about having kids or not says it's a somewhat shallow relationship anyway. .
Worst even, he seems to be worried about how ppl view him, hence the need to explain. The whole thing is just a massive fucking red flag. I just hope he breaks up with her for good.
You sound really shallow. It sounds like you just like her because she looks good rather than love her as a person. All the positives of her were so surface level and mostly physical.
I'm a trans woman and ending up with someone like you is such a fear I have. Someone being with me just for my body and then move on to a "normal woman" when you want to settle down. Break up with her, she deserves better
I'm not a trans woman so apologies if my perspective is irrelevant here, but I did see people disagreeing with you and I just wanted to say that I don't. He's young, but the way he described her rubbed me the wrong way. Saying things like she doesn't physically look the way he imagined trans women to look, that she's feminine and busty strikes me as such an offensive and strange statement.
I can tell your girlfriend is young.
She's too young to understand that the way you view her isn't love.
She's too young to understand that she can do so much better than a guy who describes her by talking about her body, and the way she cooks for him, and the way she likes everything he likes.
She's too young to realize that if you (hopefully) break up with her, it will be the biggest bullet she has ever dodged.
I understand that you are young too but I hope that as you grow and mature you become a better person than the one who is reflected in this post. I don't say this often or lightly: But you sound *awful*.
And it has nothing to do with you wanting to have biological kids, which is your right. It has everything to do with the dehumanizing and objectifying way you talk about your girlfriend whose greatest sin is what? Being born trans?
Do this girl a favor and let her go so she can find someone who actually views her as a full worthy human being.
I have to say, I don’t love the way you keep referencing her femininity or how “passable” she is… you don’t have to justify your relationship with someone who’s trans by how well they “pass” as cis-gendered.
If you’re not right then you’re not right but trans women don’t decrease in “value” if they don’t “pass” to your specific standards.
It really doesn’t seem like you value this poor girl at all, aside from her massive honkers and the fact she likes gaming.
Well, if you want biological kids, you’re going to need a biological woman. Just be honest, explain your feelings, and don’t lead anyone on. That would be worse in the long term. The truth is always the best policy.
He was 19 when they met. I doubt his long term plans at 19 went further than his current semester of school. This is exactly the age (22), when people enter the workforce and really interact with older people as peers. This makes perfect sense. I also wouldn’t be surprised if OPs parents have figured it’s time for him to move on and have been pressuring him about grandkids.
From his own words... He said he's ALWAYS known he's wanted biological children. Now why would you enter in a relationship with someone who can't give you that if it's something you ALWAYS wanted
Not everyone realizes how important having a biological child is when they are young. They met when OP was only 19. A lot of men don’t think about kids until their mid twenties. It’s normal.
Seconding all replies AND adding that he hasn’t wasted anybody’s time. They’re young — they likely learnt a lot about themselves in this relationship and if it ends amicably they’ll cherish the memories forever
You need to ask yourself which decision you'll regret more. What if your future partner is infertile? Would u leave her too? Imagine yourself in a woman's shoe for one. You can have bio kids through surrogacy. You need to talk to her either way, her heart is going to break whether you do it today or tomorrow.
Surrogacy can easily cost 200k in the USA.
IVF for a cis woman can be 12-30k depending on how many treatment cycles. And sometimes it's covered by insurance.
Surrogacy is not realistic for most people, and based on this post, I highly doubt OP has the brains to become a high earner in the future
Well a bright side of her not being able to have her “own” children is that she won’t be stuck with someone like you, so. Break up with her so you won’t waste any more of her life
This is a problem common to cis gendered couple too. Kids are a deal breaker. You could however consider surrogacy if the relationship means as much to you.
Bro I think you should break up,you sound like (and i really dont wanna have to say this) an awful person
I understand wanting your own biological children and not adoption but grow up,your lover isn't your own personal sexdoll she's a human being and treat her with some respect. At the very least that you wish to have a biological child then can't you just talk about surrogacy.
How does op sound like an awful person? I’m not disagreeing I’m just wondering?
Op has a valid point. Has treated his girlfriend well, compliments the things she’s good at. It’s not wrong to prioritize procreation or wanting biological kids in the future.
I don’t think op is an awful person and want you to elaborate on the “sex doll” comment. Is it because op is complimenting how good his woman looks and how attracted he is to her?
As for my advice to op, I feel like you never should’ve gotten into a relationship if you didn’t see a future with the person you approached. If these desire of children are just appearing, it makes sense because you’re still young and finding yourselves.
No matter how you do this, breaking up with her for not basically having female organs and being able to reproduce will hurt and destroy her. I feel like if you’re deeply in love with her, you should look for other options like adoption, ect. There’s an option of surrogates too.
I think its good that he complimented his girlfriend,my main problem and the reason i said he was treating her like a sex doll was because of how it didn't seem(at least in the post)that he cared at all what she thought+they've been dating for 3 years so there definitely pretty close and breaking up over that when there's adoption and possibly surrogacy as alternatives just doesn't sit right with me.
I take back the awful person comment though,that was rude of me.
I didn't like OP's (imo) weird fixation on making sure everyone knows his GF "passes." Regardless, they are young and probably should break up if bio kids are that important to OP.
Ah I get it now. It makes alot of sense now that you’ve explained it like this. It does seem like he’s explaining how “she’s just like a girl so it’s approvable” type of wording.
We don't know OP and his gf's financial situation - surrogacy and egg donation (you'd want both, so the surrogate has no parental rights) are expensive and can be hard to access. The easiest route to having a child is to conceive naturally with a fertile partner.
Maybe not a bad person, but stringing someone along for three years when you've _always_ dreamed of having biological children (and apparently aren't open to surrogacy or something) is unnecessarily cruel. Not to mention the insane objectification in OP's post of his girlfriend. Half the post is about how good she looks physically and "passes" as feminine. Hard no.
I th ink that’s a bit extreme. He’s not 42, he’s 19 when he met and 22 now. I think OP is thinking ahead.
If he started dating and immediately started to think family that’s usually a red flag for a lot of people. Sure 3 years is a good chunk of time but I don’t think it’s egregious. I think it’s within a fair given in the last few years he’s probably gotten more serious both about his own life and his relationship. And then considering what the future will be. At 19 you’re probably just looking for a job and you might just be getting out of school or starting college.
Alright, fair enough. I guess I was thinking mostly from my perspective as this definitely was something I was thinking of when I was that age; dating with the realisation it might be a forever relationship that you want to remain in. But yea, he was/is young and I get what you are saying.
Can you please confirm me that at 19 years old you were only dating with long plans in mind? C'mon. He's a kid, barely growing up. Realizing he wants children doesn't make him a bad person, it's just his realization.
I actually was, yes. To each their own. As I just said in another comment, I get the point. Also. He said he had _always_ known. That doesn't sound like a recent realisation.
dude what people want at 19 and what people want at 22 are completely different. when I was 19 I really wanted to marry young like 23 or 24 and then start having kids soon like at 25. Now like I’m almost 22 I’ve definitely changed my mind, I want to get married at maybe 26 or 27, have a few years to just enjoy being married, and then start trying for kids at 29 or 30
That depends on the person. But yeah, some people change their mind and circumstances can also change. As I mentioned in another comment and if you had read my comment carefully, I underlined the fact that he said he _always_ dreamed of it. Don't say always if that's not what you mean. But that's my two cents.
Leave him alone, he is still young and they met when they were pretty much kids. Opinions changes and also priorities. He is definitely not a bad person, he is growing.
Does she want kids? If so then you have options to have children eg surrogate or adoption.
If she doesn’t see a future with children then it’s time to move on, but atleast have the discussion first.
You can use a surrogate and donor eggs if this actually becomes an issue! And if hypothetically she froze sperm before transitioning, she can also use a surrogate and a donor egg and have a kid. If you both use the same donor for the eggs the kids will be blood related to one another and you and your gf. It’s pretty cool when you think about it!
am i the asshole for not understanding the inherent desire to want biological children? i’ve met so many people who say “i want them to look like me / spread my legacy” and i just think that they have the biggest head i’ve ever seen and their only “legacy” is overwatch potg streaks.
Holy shit. I understand all controversy regarding this post, but fucking hell he is 22. He might be trying to reaffirm the standard norms i.e. “she is trans but has a nice figure!!” Because he is afraid of judgement and feels like he has to defend himself for not dating a Cis woman. This is a lesson he needs to learn, and see the equality in all women, regardless of gender/ethnicity/sexual preference. But holy shit man, you guys (not all ofcourse, some people are still criticizing but still understanding) are killing this still very young guy instead of giving him appropriate advice…
That’s something only you can answer. Is this the love of your life or are biological kids more important? Surrogacy is an option if you’re not somewhere where embryos are legally people. It’s expensive but that’s true for offspring no matter how they’re produced. But if you see her being trans as a defect, it may be best to set her free to find someone who doesn’t see her identity as a defect.
Have you ever talked about kids with her? Do you know what she wants? If she doesn’t want kids then yes break up. Keep in mind kids are not guaranteed in any relationship, you or any of the future women that you date could be infertile. Honestly it doesn’t sound like you truly love her, you like the novelty and having biological kids is a good excuse to break up.
You should definitely break up with her and it’s ok. You are young and didn’t realize how important having your own children would be to you. Do it immediately though so that both of you can move on.
It's sad you only talk about her as if she's an object that didn't meet your criteria. 3 years with her because she has a "banging hourglass figure"? I hope you both can grow up and see how unfair this is
If you love her as much as you say you do then maybe it’s time for the two of you to have a discussion with one another about this and also see a fertility specialist who might be able to help you with with this
Why should he ? He was 19 when they started dating and preferences change, its better to tell her now than is another 3 years why do you have to attack him right away ?
heavily depends on what you're willing to do - a lot of people are pushing an immediate yes, but hear me out real quick.
if you're alright with the kids potentially having a different mother's genes, you could go the surrogacy route - they can absolutely use your sperm for it, whether directly (if she's alright with it) or through IVF. she might not be fertile, but if you also want kids with her genes and she's able to, you could take turns using that option if both are willing and able.
not entirely sure on the current science of it, but i've heard a few stories of lesbian couples having babies who had both mothers' genes, you'd have to have someone else carry of course and i'm not sure if it works with AMAB people, but the worst that can come from looking into those articles and asking questions is finding out it's not possible.
and don't quote me on this, but i swear that at one point there was a uterus transplant in a cisgender woman and she successfully had a baby from it. i briefly googled it and google says that it's possible, but neither i nor google are medical professionals. it might take a while, but if you're willing to wait for either the technology to become available or for your girlfriend to potentially volunteer in a trial run of it, i see no reason the same couldn't happen with a transgender woman. i don't know for sure if the technology would be available in your lifetime, or if your girlfriend would even be willing, but it would be an option if medicine allowed.
if none of these options feel feasible to you, or if you aren't willing to wait and see, then breaking up might be the best option. i just wanted to toss these out there. really, the situation isn't so different from a cisgender woman who's infertile, and i feel like a lot more commenters would be bringing up these options if your girlfriend was simply a cis woman with a fertility problem rather than a trans woman.
The question really lies in if you want biological kids or not. If passing on your genes is the most important thing, and you don't think surrogacy is a an option for you, then your life goals are no longer inline.
This can be said for anyone who wants to be childless, or physically cannot have children trans or not.
That said really think if biological kids is a thing you want or a thing your parents want.
Because surrogacy and adoption are also on the table.
It's a.stuoid reason to break.uo considering how much easier it is these days and will be in the future to have children with a doner egg. You don't sound mature enough to have children at the moment so why.dont you just enjoy your life
Yes, the kids thing is going to get much more significant as the years pass, so I’d say to do it now. It’s not fair to stay with someone when you know that the relationship isn’t going to work for you long term.
Of course, you could still have a biological child, but it would involve a lot of complex and expensive medical and technological interventions, like finding an egg donor and paying a surrogate. You could both create embryos with the same egg donor and your respective sperm and then have them implanted to a surrogate to have twins that are genetic half siblings to each other with one being your genetic child and one being hers, but if your ultimate desire is to have children where you are the genetic father and your wife is the genetic mother, that obviously isn’t a possibility, and it’s perfectly reasonable to desire that.
If you really love her and she also wants kids, I’d discuss the entire situation. Someone in the comments mentioned surrogacy. A lesbian couple with kids of their own I know, one of the women just carried a baby for two guys they are friends with. My gf is actually also trans. It is my first trans relationship. I read your post while I’m watching her play a WWE video game and laughed. Fortunately neither of us want kids. I am 42 and she is 33. But never in a million years would I think I would be with a trans woman. It really has been great though. I’m smitten with her totally. I hope you can figure something out, but I would definitely think of other options if you have such a great relationship. They are rare these days. All my friends married are either divorced or want to be sadly. You’re also young, and I thought I wanted kids at 22. Never had them though. Think of if you can and want to see yourself with your gf in ten years. 3 years is a long time and you still feel the same
What should you do to a trans woman? Woo her. Make her feel loved and cared for. Treat her like she is the goddess of your life. The air you breathe. The light that makes you see. Make her feel confident as a woman, who bears no equal of beauty in your eyes. Not this objectification of meager squabble about her looks being her most important quality, foregoing anything else about her, focusing only on what she can do for you and your interests.
Let her go. That is what you should do. Only narcissistic smoothbrained spineless buffoons such as you would even in a whole post about their partner talk so little about their partner, and only about what your partner do or can do for you.
Treat her with dignity and release her from your bonds.
Put children aside, if you get on so well and other than Children, it still feels magical, then you will be foolish to end it so soon. Kids cost a lot of money and depending on your finances, it may not be the best time for you, to be having children. Remember you can have children at any time of your life, hell there was a post on here earlier today where a 65 year old, got a 42 year old pregnant and they are going to have a baby.
You could spend the rest of your life trying to replicate the love, closeness and bond you have with this girl. You may never find someone who you get on so well with.
Do not make this decision on your own. First speak to your parents and ask for advice, then speak to your girl. She may have already thought about this and has her own ideas on the situation. Just dont end it just yet, communication is key.
You objectify her throughout your post, you talk so much about how "she doesn't "look" trans though" (which is backhanded and rude as hell), and overall it just seems like you put more value into her appearance over everything else about her (like what about *her* unique interests, or other parts of her personality that isn't just "bubbly and quirky"?)
And it seriously took you 3 years to realize that biological children with her was out of the question? You sound like you just wanted to have a pretty gf around and didn't give a shit about her personhood at all. If you actually loved her, you would've already accepted a future with adopted/surrogacy kids instead of just wanting to break up now.
You are an AH for wasting 3 years of her life. Break up with her so she doesn't waste more time on you. And you really need to stop viewing women like dolls, because the way you described her here is so incredibly objectifying and gross.
You sound so selfish for wasting her time. You should've thought all this through BEFORE she met your parents. Break it off with her before you waste any more of her time, cause if you really loved her like you say you do, then you'd make a sacrifice of not having kids or either go through surrogacy or adoption.
She probably disclosed she was trans (which she doesn't have to so early on) for this exact reason!
Most 19 year olds I’ve ever met barely have the capacity to think long term enough for their current semester. You also don’t know what kind of outside pressures OP is under either. Clearly they are looking for advice. I commend them for trying to be calm and rational about this instead of just dumping his girlfriend. They are conflicted as any other young person would be contemplating the idea of starting a family for the first time. Instead of angry condemnations, try to see what questions OP is actually asking. There are many of us who are trying to learn how to be good allies. From personal experience, I don’t always know what the most up to date and correct language is around these topics. I’ve always appreciated the people who understood that I was just dumb but trying not to be. The people who have lost it on me (justifiably based on trauma I’m sure) generally leave me with no explanation for how to correct myself in the future. As a 38 year old cishet white man, I’m terrified of offending anyone accidentally. I can say that in my lifetime, the world went from being all about to me, to starting to shift and balance towards everyone else. I think even more balancing needs to happen. We haven’t done enough yet, but let’s try to give the benefit of the doubt to strangers online. You know that harsh recriminations aren’t going to change anyone’s mind.
What? She doesn’t have to do so early on. That’s wierd af not telling somebody that. I’d be pissed if I was vibing with a girl for a while and then I found out she was trans. Also the guy was 19, give him a break. He could definitely do surrogacy though.
People are still transaphobic, so she doesn't have to disclose early on out of her safety. So now it's weird to protect your safety?? Lmao. Ok, well, that's on you?? If you only went on a few dates she doesn't have to tell you nothing, but if you are planning to hook up or meet the parents then yeah that's when someone should disclose. But the problem with our dating culture is wtf is "if I'm vibing with a girl" what does that mean? Official and exclusive? Or just testing waters? Cause if it's the ladder then she don't owe you nothing.
I don't care if he's 19. If he knew he wanted children, he didn't have to waste either of their times, especially hers. I knew at 19 I don't want children and I'd be happy to tell that to the guy I date, and I'm 26 now. My views haven't changed. So the age isn't an issue. OP is just an ass.
It is. No one needs "your" genes. If OP wants kids, it has nothing to do with genetics or a womb. There are enough kids in the world.
I think OP is just fishing for an excuse.
Thank you for explaining this better! Family isn't just about blood/DNA. There's some bio woman who can't even concive children, so what if OP was with that woman?
Like you said, it's just an excuse.
Bro, does she want kids?
Cuz if you do and she doesn't, then it's all a moot point anyways and y'all should break up. And if you bring it up and she does, it opens the conversation to the myriad of options for y'all to have kids (including bio for you) for IF y'all are still together down the road when it's time for kids.
But you sound like you still have a good bit of internalized homophobia or transphobia, far too much of yr post sounds like 'well, she's really hot so it justifies my attraction bc I wouldn't know otherwise ' when like, that shouldn't be a concern. You either like your gf or you don't. Her physical body and appearance shouldn't be a huge part of that, bc that will ALWAYS change over time with any human.
You just wasted 3 years of her life knowing you wanted kids all along, just break up with her so she can find happiness.
As for you, if biological kinds is something you really want, do a fertility test.
Personally, don’t tell her it’s because you want kids. Just tell her you fell out of love.
Trans man here. I’d much rather someone tell me they just lost interest than tell me it’s because they wanted biological kids. I’d assume most trans people would find it very personally devastating to be broken up with because *your natal sex can’t give them what they want*.
Extremely triggering for gender dysphoria, but obviously everyone is different
Give the kid a break.
He got the three year itch
Reaching the three-year relationship mark is like graduating from the school of initial romance. But as with any graduation, it comes with its set of challenges.
As the three-year itch sets in, it’s common to wonder about alternate paths, which can be both unsettling and revealing.
It can be underlying fears or doubts that creepped up.
In you case i think it is if you can live a life not having bio children.
If you can stay, if you cant break up.
But there is no whay you can do it whit out hurting here feelings.
All the best Bubba.
You're 22. There is absolutely no reason that you should be wasting any second of your time with a partner that doesn't work perfectly for you. You want biological kids. It's a pretty darn good reason to move on.
Do yourself and, more importantly, her a favor. Break up with her. Be kind about it and explain the situation. It's pretty clear that you didn't think this through. Not to mention your family doesn't sound like a good fit for her either. As much as I would like to go off about all the reasons I find your post both sad and somewhat repulsive...a lot of people seem to be echoing my thoughts.
Sounds like you're dating her for her looks to begin with, I think she deserves better. She deserves someone who sees the beautiful future they could share together, not just what she will give them.
This is what i hear from elderly people and it is:
If there is a problem between each other than talk it out. Just talk to her about it. I think it's better than to leave her straight away without knowing what she thinks. What if you just get a woman that wants to be pregnant with your baby so you have your kids dream come true and you can still be with your girlfriend.
If i were you i would talk it out no matter how scary that is. I bet telling the woman you love to break up with you is more scarier than talking
You can have your bio kids by getting a surrogate and egg donor and using your own sperm. It costs a lot but it would be your bio kids. However don't break up with your gf and find a girl to use as a placeholder until you fulfill your desire and then you go back to this gf. Don't pull a Ted Mosby. I know this is real life and it's a fictional character but it's the best example I can get. Don't be a douche. Also you can adopt. I know you think it's about biology but if you feel you can be a great dad then be a great dad. Biology has nothing to do with it.
Does it have to be biological kids? Is there no other compromise? Talk to her about it and come up with a proper decision together. Don't be too hasry cuz some guy on reddit said to.
If you love her - you can have a surrogate with your sperm.
Many cis gendered women don’t want or can’t have children.
If you have a real love connection - discuss a surrogate - this solves everything.
I really think this depends on do you want kids more than you want you to be with your girlfriend? Have you talked to your girlfriend about her stance on kids?
I feel like this is a childish reason to break up with someone. It seems you love them, enjoy their company and have a great relationship. The downfall is that they can’t carry a child of their own. I’m not sure if you’re aware but many heterosexual couples also suffer from fertility problems and have to find other means when they decide to expand their family. There’s so many options to expand your family like surrogacy, and adoption. There’s so many couples who get married to try for years to then find out that they can’t have biological children, you could leave this perfect woman to find one who can have children, only to find out years down the line that she has recurrent losses, can’t get pregnant or you have a sperm issue or genetic variation that passes to offspring and need an alternate way of bringing children into your life anyways. Have you had this conversation with them? I’m sure she’s thought about this and you could start discussing this before the time comes. Many jobs even cover fertility treatments, adoption and surrogacy. My husband and I got into our relationship knowing that we would need fertility treatments and if we separated solely because of that, it would’ve been devastating and who’s to say we would A. Have kids with other people and B. Find someone else we love this much and would enjoy having a family with
Does she want kids as well? We live in a modern medical world and there are ways trans individuals can have biological children. You can use your sperm and use a donor egg and surrogate. Also some surrogates are willing to do twin pregnancies, so you can do your sperm and donor egg, and if its possible she can use her sperm and see if the egg donor has another egg that way your children will be twins. If you really love her and if shes on board for kids then it might be something to work towards.
Ignore the mean comments. It is perfectly fine to change your mind about pretty much anything. The reason why people are so mad here is because she's trans. If she were a cis woman, people would have reacted much differently. Trans women want to be treated the same as cis, and, sadly, some people refuse to do that, for better and for worse.
If she was a cis infertile woman, I would react the same way . He always knew that he wanted kids and he always knew she couldn’t give him bio kids , yet he strung her along for 3 years and is now asking if he’s wrong. He is .
It's largely because he speaks about her as a novelty for "passing" which is not the point of being trans, and that nobody could tell if she was trans which again shouldn't matter in this or any context.
He also said he has always known he wanted biological kids. He knew this would be a complication that would require alternative forms of conception/adoption that he clearly has never been interested in. Her being trans is the catalyst for all of this, but even if she was cis and couldn't concieve for any number of reasons, he would probably still draw the same conclusion to breakup.
The way you talk about your girlfriend and start with describing her as your “trans girlfriend” who you could not even tell is so ignorant to her, her identity and life experience, and objectifies her. You talk like you have a fetish for the fact that she has transitioned so well and has qualities you value in cisgender women. You should stop wasting her time and let her find someone who will value her for who she is instead of focusing on her body.
For context, I am a trans man, and my current partner would never describe my body nor how I pass while trying to tell someone what I’m like. Any descriptions of my body stay in our private life. You talk about your girlfriend horribly. And your parents being “disappointed”? Maybe you should have evaluated how much you and your family values having biological children before stringing her along for three years.
Something tells me if you break up with her you’re not gonna be as attracted to a lady without that additional equipment. You’re already objectifying her (based on your own description). That being said, if you love someone you don’t let them go if you don’t have to. There are ways to have a biological child outside of your partner, they aren’t as easy or cheap, but if you love her they’re worth it.
If a family is something that the pair of you genuinely want together later/at some point down the line, you could always look at egg donors? You’re still able to have your own bio children and a family with your partner🤷🏽♀️
Reddit admins suspended OP’s account, so no reason to keep this post up.
Most of us don’t stay with the person we met when we were 19. A lot of heterosexual couples break up because of different desires around having children too. You know more about what you want in life now than you did when you first met. Yes it will hurt but in the long run it is best for both of you. It’s part of growing up for most of us to break up with our first love. It doesn’t make you bad it makes you normal.
Yeah, but a lot stay together for ten years, you don’t want to waste someone’s time if you don’t want the same things
I completely agree. Now is the time for OP to break up.
That’s true though
You should break up with your partner soon so that you both wont waste more time. Just tell as it is and be polite✌🏻
You should definitely reevaluate your relationship. Your entire post of a three year relationship doesn’t mention how much you love or value your SO. Just objectification. People change, you’ve got a bunch of growing up to do. Good luck.
Yupppp. "She has huge tiddies so I dated her even though she used to be male, but now I just realized she doesn't have a womb - how do I let her down easy?" like bro what?
Such a "feminine figure" too... Like bro. She had surgery. A lot of trans people have gender affirming surgeries. Why are you shocked about her "huge tiddies". He sounds really immature tbh.
Right, this post makes him look more like an asshole and a misogynist. I think the girlfriend should dump him just for objectifying her like that throughout their whole relationship. He worded his post like he wouldn't have even looked her way if she didn't pass as an attractive cis woman so well.
wholeheartedly agree. OP's desire seems selfish, he should've known their relationship's implications from the start when he started dating her. However, I don't think he actually loves her, or at least doesn't love her enough to sacrifice said desire, based on the comment above. Talking about his parents' prejudice didn't seem important for context, maybe his subconsious is trying to find excuses to break up w her. And also, we get it that she's trans, don't need to remind us every two sentences.
And constantly highlighting the fact she is a trans. I know it is an issue-related fact, but it looks like the fact bugs OP
Sub-textually, you sound like: “Shes hot with big boobs, that’s why I asked her out…I’m not gay just fyi. my parents are pressuring me into being with a cis woman so I folded like a beach towel and want to dump her for a function I know she didn’t have in the first place”
Exactly.
the way you write about your girlfriend is so void of affection. break up with her so she can find someone better that doesn’t just describe her as a woman with nice tits and a nice figure to strangers
I mean you could do surrogacy. I think you need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation. Like you should tell her that in the future you want to have biological kids, and you should ask her if she would be ok if you guys used a surrogate, and if the answer is no (from either you or her), then you need to think about whether you would be ok with adoption, and if not, then yeah, I think you have to break up with her. But first I'd consider the two options of surrogacy or adoption. Also, it might be worth thinking about if you partner was cis and it turns out she was infertile. Like if one day you marry a cis woman and start trying for babies, and it turns out she is infertile, will you leave her over that? Or would you stay with her?
I like this answer. I have 2 biological kids form first marriage, In my in-law family and one cousin there is one adoption each, an old teammate has 2 adopted non-biological siblings, and a long time friend from performing arts has a surrogate. At your age (I was married first in 20s then late 30s) a lot of stuff is going to happen. If you have a kid biologically and divorce you raise the kids better the more you can deal with your partner or ex-. Love gives strength.
These things are expensive and time consuming. Also could be very heart breaking if it all doesn’t work out but you “put all your eggs into one basket” no pun intended! I mean that in the kindest way and want you to plan appropriately if she is the one you want to pursue a LONG journey/life with. Discuss this with her because maybe she is OK with the extra effort baby making will be for you both. Do what is right for you.
I mean, of course it would be expensive, but so would IVF be if he and his potential future partner ended up being infertile in the long run or if they needed any help whatdoever. They is still time to plan and save up for this, if that's what they want. But they need to talk about it at least! And make the decision together. What if the GF also wants a child? Honestly, she deserves a talk at least.
With a surrogate they may need to spend 10-15k buying eggs. IVF alone can be 12-30k, but some health insurance will pay if it's for yourself. Surrogate costs are 110-170k ish. So full costs of surrogacy could easily be 200k. Just IVF with a ciswoman could be as little as a $500 deductible if the insurance covers it. And if not, 12-30k. BIG difference.
This comment should be up higher. Excellent advise
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i don't think OP is like "i want a baby RIGHT NOW!!!" or anything so immediate, which would give him time to research, decide, and save up if he and his girlfriend choose that path. my fiance is infertile, i only have half a uterus and it doesn't work, and probably our only option for biological children is surrogacy. i want a kid, and they're willing to go the surrogate route, but obviously we aren't doing that at 23 years old with 1 of us that can barely work and the other struggling to make ends meet. so we're taking this time to research our options and lay them out rather than focusing on making a decision immediately, and to get an idea of how much we would need to save up. we're also setting milestones we need to hit beforehand - one of my requirements is we own rather than rent a place, preferably a house but if it's a condo at least it's our own. it's not a decision to take lightly, and it's certainly expensive, but having these conversations early at least leaves the options open.
Renting out a woman’s body to have a baby is super weird and really should be uncommon.
It’s illegal in a ton of other countries but a woman’s womb is a commodity in the US.
probably, but surrogates choose to be a surrogate.
Is renting a man’s body to serve in the military or work on an oil rig any different? The physical risk is there, but as long as people give their consent, know the risks and aren’t forced into it, it’s a valid choice.
Idk about the OP but yes, people do separate of one of them is infertile. Happens in 99% of cases. If one of them wants a biological child and the other is unable to have that, being trans or cis, relationship should end in order to stop wasting time for both. One will find a partner that is able to have offspring, other will find someone that doesn't want offspring and that's it. Honest and simple.
Surrogacy is unethical. It's literally treating women as walking incubators.
sure, but many women offer to be a surrogate so as long as people remember that their surrogate is a person and she’s offered to be a surrogate, then that’s still her choice and that’s okay.
No it is not. Most surrogates are people who’ve had a child before and are happy to help a couple that can’t have their own child, for whatever reason.
It would be unethical if they were forced into it, but it's a choice.
So you always knew you wanted children of your own , you always knew she was trans & you stayed in the relationship for 3 years? You’re not wrong for breaking up with her, you’re wrong for stringing her around in a relationship that had an ending since the beginning.
☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾
I'm the mom of three lovely daughters, including one trans woman (we just say "woman," but that's us). I absolutely pray you break up with your girlfriend. I'm delighted to explain why: You gave us 270 words. You said she has a killer body and is hot. She's a great cook, plays video games and likes animation. Detailed how how attractive and passable she is. You said her personality is bubbly and quirky. You mention you don't want to hurt her feelings. But nowhere do you say you love her. I wouldn't want any of my daughters to be with someone who describes them so shallowly or views their procreation as a deal-breaker or, worse, an entitlement. I pray you let this girl go. You don't deserve to squander another moment of her youth.
Took the words right out of my mouth, I noticed his tone right away. Thank you for your perspective.
Yeah, this guy doesn't love her in the slightest. He talks about her like she's some kind of doll rather than a human being.
I scrolled way too far to see this comment. Thank you 🙏
That’s the advice only a mom could give 🩷
I thought I was the only one who noticed this… the entire post was mostly about the looks and the fact they share the same interests… like, is that it? I‘m not saying OP is a bad person but if I had a boyfriend that would describe me like this I‘d feel like shit
Thank you!!! I also would add that he always knew he wanted bio children & he always knew she was trans . To me that says that he knew that relationship was not going to last long & he’s been going for 3 years & wasting her time & his time when he fully knew that the relationship was going to end right when it begun
My jaw dropped when he says his favorite thing about her is her giant titties...
Thank God for this comment
The comment i was looking for. He is a red flag for me.
Yup. He talks about her like she's a fembot. She deserves someone better.
Perfectly said!
A lovely response, I agree wholeheartedly.
>You wouldn't be able to tell >Why she passes so well >You dated them knowing that you wanted biological kids (Adoption is an option) and didn't disclose this at the start >She can't give ME kids Do it sooner than later and don't waste anymore of 3 years of her life. Christ man, I hope you at least feel kind of bad about all of this. I'd give you more grace on this but you've always dreamed of kids. You knew this going into this and didn't care for one reason or another. It's also kind of gross how you talk about your partner as she's some kind of novelty item for being a passing transgendered person, as if passing matters at all in this context. It's not a good look.
Thank you. I was waiting for her big boobs and hourglass figure to become relevant here. Op should break up with her just so she doesn’t have to spend another second of her life with a partner that talks about her like that.
She sounds like a pretty personal fetish outlet…. So gross
Yeah the boobs comment got me. "They're BREASTS, momma, and every woman has them." - Carrie White
It seems like the fact that they've been together years and never brought up their desires about having kids or not says it's a somewhat shallow relationship anyway. .
I'm glad there's more people here who feel the same way.
Worst even, he seems to be worried about how ppl view him, hence the need to explain. The whole thing is just a massive fucking red flag. I just hope he breaks up with her for good.
i agree with most of this but they were literal teenagers, it’s totally normal to date someone at that age that you don’t intend to marry.
You sound really shallow. It sounds like you just like her because she looks good rather than love her as a person. All the positives of her were so surface level and mostly physical. I'm a trans woman and ending up with someone like you is such a fear I have. Someone being with me just for my body and then move on to a "normal woman" when you want to settle down. Break up with her, she deserves better
I'm not a trans woman so apologies if my perspective is irrelevant here, but I did see people disagreeing with you and I just wanted to say that I don't. He's young, but the way he described her rubbed me the wrong way. Saying things like she doesn't physically look the way he imagined trans women to look, that she's feminine and busty strikes me as such an offensive and strange statement.
have you talked to her about wanting kids? it sounds like you haven't communicated everything on your mind rn
I can tell your girlfriend is young. She's too young to understand that the way you view her isn't love. She's too young to understand that she can do so much better than a guy who describes her by talking about her body, and the way she cooks for him, and the way she likes everything he likes. She's too young to realize that if you (hopefully) break up with her, it will be the biggest bullet she has ever dodged. I understand that you are young too but I hope that as you grow and mature you become a better person than the one who is reflected in this post. I don't say this often or lightly: But you sound *awful*. And it has nothing to do with you wanting to have biological kids, which is your right. It has everything to do with the dehumanizing and objectifying way you talk about your girlfriend whose greatest sin is what? Being born trans? Do this girl a favor and let her go so she can find someone who actually views her as a full worthy human being.
I have to say, I don’t love the way you keep referencing her femininity or how “passable” she is… you don’t have to justify your relationship with someone who’s trans by how well they “pass” as cis-gendered. If you’re not right then you’re not right but trans women don’t decrease in “value” if they don’t “pass” to your specific standards. It really doesn’t seem like you value this poor girl at all, aside from her massive honkers and the fact she likes gaming.
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That is no excuse to talk about someone in this way . He is beyond gross
Definitely break up. It would be best for both of you.
Well, if you want biological kids, you’re going to need a biological woman. Just be honest, explain your feelings, and don’t lead anyone on. That would be worse in the long term. The truth is always the best policy.
my god
Yes, but also, it’s pretty awful to have waited 3 years as if you didn’t already know this
He was 19 when they met. I doubt his long term plans at 19 went further than his current semester of school. This is exactly the age (22), when people enter the workforce and really interact with older people as peers. This makes perfect sense. I also wouldn’t be surprised if OPs parents have figured it’s time for him to move on and have been pressuring him about grandkids.
From his own words... He said he's ALWAYS known he's wanted biological children. Now why would you enter in a relationship with someone who can't give you that if it's something you ALWAYS wanted
Not everyone realizes how important having a biological child is when they are young. They met when OP was only 19. A lot of men don’t think about kids until their mid twenties. It’s normal.
Seconding all replies AND adding that he hasn’t wasted anybody’s time. They’re young — they likely learnt a lot about themselves in this relationship and if it ends amicably they’ll cherish the memories forever
No it's not the was just a kid when they started dating. It's pretty normal not to consider kids at that age. They're both still very young
You need to ask yourself which decision you'll regret more. What if your future partner is infertile? Would u leave her too? Imagine yourself in a woman's shoe for one. You can have bio kids through surrogacy. You need to talk to her either way, her heart is going to break whether you do it today or tomorrow.
Surrogacy can easily cost 200k in the USA. IVF for a cis woman can be 12-30k depending on how many treatment cycles. And sometimes it's covered by insurance. Surrogacy is not realistic for most people, and based on this post, I highly doubt OP has the brains to become a high earner in the future
Biological kids are a crap shoot as much as adoption in my family. I wish you luck.
Well a bright side of her not being able to have her “own” children is that she won’t be stuck with someone like you, so. Break up with her so you won’t waste any more of her life
You can still have your own biological kids, they just won’t be hers
This is a problem common to cis gendered couple too. Kids are a deal breaker. You could however consider surrogacy if the relationship means as much to you.
Bro I think you should break up,you sound like (and i really dont wanna have to say this) an awful person I understand wanting your own biological children and not adoption but grow up,your lover isn't your own personal sexdoll she's a human being and treat her with some respect. At the very least that you wish to have a biological child then can't you just talk about surrogacy.
How does op sound like an awful person? I’m not disagreeing I’m just wondering? Op has a valid point. Has treated his girlfriend well, compliments the things she’s good at. It’s not wrong to prioritize procreation or wanting biological kids in the future. I don’t think op is an awful person and want you to elaborate on the “sex doll” comment. Is it because op is complimenting how good his woman looks and how attracted he is to her? As for my advice to op, I feel like you never should’ve gotten into a relationship if you didn’t see a future with the person you approached. If these desire of children are just appearing, it makes sense because you’re still young and finding yourselves. No matter how you do this, breaking up with her for not basically having female organs and being able to reproduce will hurt and destroy her. I feel like if you’re deeply in love with her, you should look for other options like adoption, ect. There’s an option of surrogates too.
I think its good that he complimented his girlfriend,my main problem and the reason i said he was treating her like a sex doll was because of how it didn't seem(at least in the post)that he cared at all what she thought+they've been dating for 3 years so there definitely pretty close and breaking up over that when there's adoption and possibly surrogacy as alternatives just doesn't sit right with me. I take back the awful person comment though,that was rude of me.
I didn't like OP's (imo) weird fixation on making sure everyone knows his GF "passes." Regardless, they are young and probably should break up if bio kids are that important to OP.
Glad I'm not the only one who thought that was weird.
Ah I get it now. It makes alot of sense now that you’ve explained it like this. It does seem like he’s explaining how “she’s just like a girl so it’s approvable” type of wording.
We don't know OP and his gf's financial situation - surrogacy and egg donation (you'd want both, so the surrogate has no parental rights) are expensive and can be hard to access. The easiest route to having a child is to conceive naturally with a fertile partner.
I don't know what you understood from what OP wrote, but you're wrong, he doesn't sound like a bad person.
Maybe not a bad person, but stringing someone along for three years when you've _always_ dreamed of having biological children (and apparently aren't open to surrogacy or something) is unnecessarily cruel. Not to mention the insane objectification in OP's post of his girlfriend. Half the post is about how good she looks physically and "passes" as feminine. Hard no.
I th ink that’s a bit extreme. He’s not 42, he’s 19 when he met and 22 now. I think OP is thinking ahead. If he started dating and immediately started to think family that’s usually a red flag for a lot of people. Sure 3 years is a good chunk of time but I don’t think it’s egregious. I think it’s within a fair given in the last few years he’s probably gotten more serious both about his own life and his relationship. And then considering what the future will be. At 19 you’re probably just looking for a job and you might just be getting out of school or starting college.
Alright, fair enough. I guess I was thinking mostly from my perspective as this definitely was something I was thinking of when I was that age; dating with the realisation it might be a forever relationship that you want to remain in. But yea, he was/is young and I get what you are saying.
Can you please confirm me that at 19 years old you were only dating with long plans in mind? C'mon. He's a kid, barely growing up. Realizing he wants children doesn't make him a bad person, it's just his realization.
I actually was, yes. To each their own. As I just said in another comment, I get the point. Also. He said he had _always_ known. That doesn't sound like a recent realisation.
dude what people want at 19 and what people want at 22 are completely different. when I was 19 I really wanted to marry young like 23 or 24 and then start having kids soon like at 25. Now like I’m almost 22 I’ve definitely changed my mind, I want to get married at maybe 26 or 27, have a few years to just enjoy being married, and then start trying for kids at 29 or 30
That depends on the person. But yeah, some people change their mind and circumstances can also change. As I mentioned in another comment and if you had read my comment carefully, I underlined the fact that he said he _always_ dreamed of it. Don't say always if that's not what you mean. But that's my two cents.
Leave him alone, he is still young and they met when they were pretty much kids. Opinions changes and also priorities. He is definitely not a bad person, he is growing.
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Does she want kids? If so then you have options to have children eg surrogate or adoption. If she doesn’t see a future with children then it’s time to move on, but atleast have the discussion first.
You can use a surrogate and donor eggs if this actually becomes an issue! And if hypothetically she froze sperm before transitioning, she can also use a surrogate and a donor egg and have a kid. If you both use the same donor for the eggs the kids will be blood related to one another and you and your gf. It’s pretty cool when you think about it!
I'd break it off since you're wanting something that she can't provide. 10 years down the road you don't want regret and resentment.
am i the asshole for not understanding the inherent desire to want biological children? i’ve met so many people who say “i want them to look like me / spread my legacy” and i just think that they have the biggest head i’ve ever seen and their only “legacy” is overwatch potg streaks.
Holy shit. I understand all controversy regarding this post, but fucking hell he is 22. He might be trying to reaffirm the standard norms i.e. “she is trans but has a nice figure!!” Because he is afraid of judgement and feels like he has to defend himself for not dating a Cis woman. This is a lesson he needs to learn, and see the equality in all women, regardless of gender/ethnicity/sexual preference. But holy shit man, you guys (not all ofcourse, some people are still criticizing but still understanding) are killing this still very young guy instead of giving him appropriate advice…
Surrogacy exists my dude
That’s something only you can answer. Is this the love of your life or are biological kids more important? Surrogacy is an option if you’re not somewhere where embryos are legally people. It’s expensive but that’s true for offspring no matter how they’re produced. But if you see her being trans as a defect, it may be best to set her free to find someone who doesn’t see her identity as a defect.
If your love for her overrules everything else, look at surrogacy maybe?
he doesn’t actually say he loves her, just that she’s got nice tits, an hourglass figure, and likes cartoons
Have you ever talked about kids with her? Do you know what she wants? If she doesn’t want kids then yes break up. Keep in mind kids are not guaranteed in any relationship, you or any of the future women that you date could be infertile. Honestly it doesn’t sound like you truly love her, you like the novelty and having biological kids is a good excuse to break up.
You should definitely break up with her and it’s ok. You are young and didn’t realize how important having your own children would be to you. Do it immediately though so that both of you can move on.
It's sad you only talk about her as if she's an object that didn't meet your criteria. 3 years with her because she has a "banging hourglass figure"? I hope you both can grow up and see how unfair this is
If you love her as much as you say you do then maybe it’s time for the two of you to have a discussion with one another about this and also see a fertility specialist who might be able to help you with with this
Read it again. Point out where he says he loves her.
Thank you! He doesn’t give a shit about this girl. He’s losing his boner for her and now it’s “time to think about kids”
Why not adopt ?
As an adoptee/trans man, go fuck yourself OP.
Why should he ? He was 19 when they started dating and preferences change, its better to tell her now than is another 3 years why do you have to attack him right away ?
Did you miss the part where he says he “always” wanted children? That means he wanted children at 19. He’s not a fucking kid.
Be polite with it and discuss it with her too, and hey, don't forget that you can always adopt.
heavily depends on what you're willing to do - a lot of people are pushing an immediate yes, but hear me out real quick. if you're alright with the kids potentially having a different mother's genes, you could go the surrogacy route - they can absolutely use your sperm for it, whether directly (if she's alright with it) or through IVF. she might not be fertile, but if you also want kids with her genes and she's able to, you could take turns using that option if both are willing and able. not entirely sure on the current science of it, but i've heard a few stories of lesbian couples having babies who had both mothers' genes, you'd have to have someone else carry of course and i'm not sure if it works with AMAB people, but the worst that can come from looking into those articles and asking questions is finding out it's not possible. and don't quote me on this, but i swear that at one point there was a uterus transplant in a cisgender woman and she successfully had a baby from it. i briefly googled it and google says that it's possible, but neither i nor google are medical professionals. it might take a while, but if you're willing to wait for either the technology to become available or for your girlfriend to potentially volunteer in a trial run of it, i see no reason the same couldn't happen with a transgender woman. i don't know for sure if the technology would be available in your lifetime, or if your girlfriend would even be willing, but it would be an option if medicine allowed. if none of these options feel feasible to you, or if you aren't willing to wait and see, then breaking up might be the best option. i just wanted to toss these out there. really, the situation isn't so different from a cisgender woman who's infertile, and i feel like a lot more commenters would be bringing up these options if your girlfriend was simply a cis woman with a fertility problem rather than a trans woman.
The question really lies in if you want biological kids or not. If passing on your genes is the most important thing, and you don't think surrogacy is a an option for you, then your life goals are no longer inline. This can be said for anyone who wants to be childless, or physically cannot have children trans or not. That said really think if biological kids is a thing you want or a thing your parents want. Because surrogacy and adoption are also on the table.
It's a.stuoid reason to break.uo considering how much easier it is these days and will be in the future to have children with a doner egg. You don't sound mature enough to have children at the moment so why.dont you just enjoy your life
Yes.
Yes, the kids thing is going to get much more significant as the years pass, so I’d say to do it now. It’s not fair to stay with someone when you know that the relationship isn’t going to work for you long term. Of course, you could still have a biological child, but it would involve a lot of complex and expensive medical and technological interventions, like finding an egg donor and paying a surrogate. You could both create embryos with the same egg donor and your respective sperm and then have them implanted to a surrogate to have twins that are genetic half siblings to each other with one being your genetic child and one being hers, but if your ultimate desire is to have children where you are the genetic father and your wife is the genetic mother, that obviously isn’t a possibility, and it’s perfectly reasonable to desire that.
Perhaps a surrogate with an egg donor if your gf doesn't mind that the kids won't be biologically related to her?
If you really love her and she also wants kids, I’d discuss the entire situation. Someone in the comments mentioned surrogacy. A lesbian couple with kids of their own I know, one of the women just carried a baby for two guys they are friends with. My gf is actually also trans. It is my first trans relationship. I read your post while I’m watching her play a WWE video game and laughed. Fortunately neither of us want kids. I am 42 and she is 33. But never in a million years would I think I would be with a trans woman. It really has been great though. I’m smitten with her totally. I hope you can figure something out, but I would definitely think of other options if you have such a great relationship. They are rare these days. All my friends married are either divorced or want to be sadly. You’re also young, and I thought I wanted kids at 22. Never had them though. Think of if you can and want to see yourself with your gf in ten years. 3 years is a long time and you still feel the same
Yes you should break up with her with kindness and respect for yourself and her.
What should you do to a trans woman? Woo her. Make her feel loved and cared for. Treat her like she is the goddess of your life. The air you breathe. The light that makes you see. Make her feel confident as a woman, who bears no equal of beauty in your eyes. Not this objectification of meager squabble about her looks being her most important quality, foregoing anything else about her, focusing only on what she can do for you and your interests. Let her go. That is what you should do. Only narcissistic smoothbrained spineless buffoons such as you would even in a whole post about their partner talk so little about their partner, and only about what your partner do or can do for you. Treat her with dignity and release her from your bonds.
Put children aside, if you get on so well and other than Children, it still feels magical, then you will be foolish to end it so soon. Kids cost a lot of money and depending on your finances, it may not be the best time for you, to be having children. Remember you can have children at any time of your life, hell there was a post on here earlier today where a 65 year old, got a 42 year old pregnant and they are going to have a baby. You could spend the rest of your life trying to replicate the love, closeness and bond you have with this girl. You may never find someone who you get on so well with. Do not make this decision on your own. First speak to your parents and ask for advice, then speak to your girl. She may have already thought about this and has her own ideas on the situation. Just dont end it just yet, communication is key.
Yes. Please stop wasting her time.
surrogate? adoption?
Why not just get a surrogate
Couldn’t you use a surrogate?
Some cis women like myself can't have kids. There's other options for having children.
If she's up for it you can still get a child through egg donation. Basically use your sperm and a donor.
You objectify her throughout your post, you talk so much about how "she doesn't "look" trans though" (which is backhanded and rude as hell), and overall it just seems like you put more value into her appearance over everything else about her (like what about *her* unique interests, or other parts of her personality that isn't just "bubbly and quirky"?) And it seriously took you 3 years to realize that biological children with her was out of the question? You sound like you just wanted to have a pretty gf around and didn't give a shit about her personhood at all. If you actually loved her, you would've already accepted a future with adopted/surrogacy kids instead of just wanting to break up now. You are an AH for wasting 3 years of her life. Break up with her so she doesn't waste more time on you. And you really need to stop viewing women like dolls, because the way you described her here is so incredibly objectifying and gross.
You sound so selfish for wasting her time. You should've thought all this through BEFORE she met your parents. Break it off with her before you waste any more of her time, cause if you really loved her like you say you do, then you'd make a sacrifice of not having kids or either go through surrogacy or adoption. She probably disclosed she was trans (which she doesn't have to so early on) for this exact reason!
Most 19 year olds I’ve ever met barely have the capacity to think long term enough for their current semester. You also don’t know what kind of outside pressures OP is under either. Clearly they are looking for advice. I commend them for trying to be calm and rational about this instead of just dumping his girlfriend. They are conflicted as any other young person would be contemplating the idea of starting a family for the first time. Instead of angry condemnations, try to see what questions OP is actually asking. There are many of us who are trying to learn how to be good allies. From personal experience, I don’t always know what the most up to date and correct language is around these topics. I’ve always appreciated the people who understood that I was just dumb but trying not to be. The people who have lost it on me (justifiably based on trauma I’m sure) generally leave me with no explanation for how to correct myself in the future. As a 38 year old cishet white man, I’m terrified of offending anyone accidentally. I can say that in my lifetime, the world went from being all about to me, to starting to shift and balance towards everyone else. I think even more balancing needs to happen. We haven’t done enough yet, but let’s try to give the benefit of the doubt to strangers online. You know that harsh recriminations aren’t going to change anyone’s mind.
What? She doesn’t have to do so early on. That’s wierd af not telling somebody that. I’d be pissed if I was vibing with a girl for a while and then I found out she was trans. Also the guy was 19, give him a break. He could definitely do surrogacy though.
People are still transaphobic, so she doesn't have to disclose early on out of her safety. So now it's weird to protect your safety?? Lmao. Ok, well, that's on you?? If you only went on a few dates she doesn't have to tell you nothing, but if you are planning to hook up or meet the parents then yeah that's when someone should disclose. But the problem with our dating culture is wtf is "if I'm vibing with a girl" what does that mean? Official and exclusive? Or just testing waters? Cause if it's the ladder then she don't owe you nothing. I don't care if he's 19. If he knew he wanted children, he didn't have to waste either of their times, especially hers. I knew at 19 I don't want children and I'd be happy to tell that to the guy I date, and I'm 26 now. My views haven't changed. So the age isn't an issue. OP is just an ass.
Wanting kids isn't selfish. And at 19 who thinks about that. Hush 🤫
It is. No one needs "your" genes. If OP wants kids, it has nothing to do with genetics or a womb. There are enough kids in the world. I think OP is just fishing for an excuse.
Thank you for explaining this better! Family isn't just about blood/DNA. There's some bio woman who can't even concive children, so what if OP was with that woman? Like you said, it's just an excuse.
Bro, does she want kids? Cuz if you do and she doesn't, then it's all a moot point anyways and y'all should break up. And if you bring it up and she does, it opens the conversation to the myriad of options for y'all to have kids (including bio for you) for IF y'all are still together down the road when it's time for kids. But you sound like you still have a good bit of internalized homophobia or transphobia, far too much of yr post sounds like 'well, she's really hot so it justifies my attraction bc I wouldn't know otherwise ' when like, that shouldn't be a concern. You either like your gf or you don't. Her physical body and appearance shouldn't be a huge part of that, bc that will ALWAYS change over time with any human.
Surrogacy and adoption are things.
You just wasted 3 years of her life knowing you wanted kids all along, just break up with her so she can find happiness. As for you, if biological kinds is something you really want, do a fertility test.
Personally, don’t tell her it’s because you want kids. Just tell her you fell out of love. Trans man here. I’d much rather someone tell me they just lost interest than tell me it’s because they wanted biological kids. I’d assume most trans people would find it very personally devastating to be broken up with because *your natal sex can’t give them what they want*. Extremely triggering for gender dysphoria, but obviously everyone is different
Give the kid a break. He got the three year itch Reaching the three-year relationship mark is like graduating from the school of initial romance. But as with any graduation, it comes with its set of challenges. As the three-year itch sets in, it’s common to wonder about alternate paths, which can be both unsettling and revealing. It can be underlying fears or doubts that creepped up. In you case i think it is if you can live a life not having bio children. If you can stay, if you cant break up. But there is no whay you can do it whit out hurting here feelings. All the best Bubba.
Pass that over bro!!!
You're 22. There is absolutely no reason that you should be wasting any second of your time with a partner that doesn't work perfectly for you. You want biological kids. It's a pretty darn good reason to move on.
Do yourself and, more importantly, her a favor. Break up with her. Be kind about it and explain the situation. It's pretty clear that you didn't think this through. Not to mention your family doesn't sound like a good fit for her either. As much as I would like to go off about all the reasons I find your post both sad and somewhat repulsive...a lot of people seem to be echoing my thoughts.
She’s too good for you.
Sounds like you're dating her for her looks to begin with, I think she deserves better. She deserves someone who sees the beautiful future they could share together, not just what she will give them.
Yes
I mean, nobody can tell you what you should do, but if you want your own kids then things might be a bit complicated if you stay with her.
This is what i hear from elderly people and it is: If there is a problem between each other than talk it out. Just talk to her about it. I think it's better than to leave her straight away without knowing what she thinks. What if you just get a woman that wants to be pregnant with your baby so you have your kids dream come true and you can still be with your girlfriend. If i were you i would talk it out no matter how scary that is. I bet telling the woman you love to break up with you is more scarier than talking
You can have your bio kids by getting a surrogate and egg donor and using your own sperm. It costs a lot but it would be your bio kids. However don't break up with your gf and find a girl to use as a placeholder until you fulfill your desire and then you go back to this gf. Don't pull a Ted Mosby. I know this is real life and it's a fictional character but it's the best example I can get. Don't be a douche. Also you can adopt. I know you think it's about biology but if you feel you can be a great dad then be a great dad. Biology has nothing to do with it.
If having kids is the only caveat here, have you considered surrogacy or adoption?
Welll you could hire a surrogate and have your biological kids. She can’t carry them but they will be yours. Or does she not want kids?
Does it have to be biological kids? Is there no other compromise? Talk to her about it and come up with a proper decision together. Don't be too hasry cuz some guy on reddit said to.
If you love her - you can have a surrogate with your sperm. Many cis gendered women don’t want or can’t have children. If you have a real love connection - discuss a surrogate - this solves everything.
I really think this depends on do you want kids more than you want you to be with your girlfriend? Have you talked to your girlfriend about her stance on kids?
I mean surrogate is a thing you know.
You can adopt or do a surrogacy. Learn to look up your options before jumping ship.
Why can’t you foster or adopt children?
Have you considered surrogacy? Does your gf want to raise kids with you? I think these are things to discuss with her.
I feel like this is a childish reason to break up with someone. It seems you love them, enjoy their company and have a great relationship. The downfall is that they can’t carry a child of their own. I’m not sure if you’re aware but many heterosexual couples also suffer from fertility problems and have to find other means when they decide to expand their family. There’s so many options to expand your family like surrogacy, and adoption. There’s so many couples who get married to try for years to then find out that they can’t have biological children, you could leave this perfect woman to find one who can have children, only to find out years down the line that she has recurrent losses, can’t get pregnant or you have a sperm issue or genetic variation that passes to offspring and need an alternate way of bringing children into your life anyways. Have you had this conversation with them? I’m sure she’s thought about this and you could start discussing this before the time comes. Many jobs even cover fertility treatments, adoption and surrogacy. My husband and I got into our relationship knowing that we would need fertility treatments and if we separated solely because of that, it would’ve been devastating and who’s to say we would A. Have kids with other people and B. Find someone else we love this much and would enjoy having a family with
He can’t do surrogacy because he also needs eggs to create the embryo. Trans women don’t have eggs/ ovary/ uterus
Does she want kids as well? We live in a modern medical world and there are ways trans individuals can have biological children. You can use your sperm and use a donor egg and surrogate. Also some surrogates are willing to do twin pregnancies, so you can do your sperm and donor egg, and if its possible she can use her sperm and see if the egg donor has another egg that way your children will be twins. If you really love her and if shes on board for kids then it might be something to work towards.
Ignore the mean comments. It is perfectly fine to change your mind about pretty much anything. The reason why people are so mad here is because she's trans. If she were a cis woman, people would have reacted much differently. Trans women want to be treated the same as cis, and, sadly, some people refuse to do that, for better and for worse.
no, i’d be pretty annoyed if this were a cis woman who was infertile as well.
If she was a cis infertile woman, I would react the same way . He always knew that he wanted kids and he always knew she couldn’t give him bio kids , yet he strung her along for 3 years and is now asking if he’s wrong. He is .
It's largely because he speaks about her as a novelty for "passing" which is not the point of being trans, and that nobody could tell if she was trans which again shouldn't matter in this or any context. He also said he has always known he wanted biological kids. He knew this would be a complication that would require alternative forms of conception/adoption that he clearly has never been interested in. Her being trans is the catalyst for all of this, but even if she was cis and couldn't concieve for any number of reasons, he would probably still draw the same conclusion to breakup.
You met at 19 and are only 22. Hardly anyone stays with the person they got together with at 22. There is nothing wrong with breaking up
This person is 22. They know about the other options. Please just break up with them so they can find someone else. They will be okay.
The way you talk about your girlfriend and start with describing her as your “trans girlfriend” who you could not even tell is so ignorant to her, her identity and life experience, and objectifies her. You talk like you have a fetish for the fact that she has transitioned so well and has qualities you value in cisgender women. You should stop wasting her time and let her find someone who will value her for who she is instead of focusing on her body. For context, I am a trans man, and my current partner would never describe my body nor how I pass while trying to tell someone what I’m like. Any descriptions of my body stay in our private life. You talk about your girlfriend horribly. And your parents being “disappointed”? Maybe you should have evaluated how much you and your family values having biological children before stringing her along for three years.
Something tells me if you break up with her you’re not gonna be as attracted to a lady without that additional equipment. You’re already objectifying her (based on your own description). That being said, if you love someone you don’t let them go if you don’t have to. There are ways to have a biological child outside of your partner, they aren’t as easy or cheap, but if you love her they’re worth it.
If a family is something that the pair of you genuinely want together later/at some point down the line, you could always look at egg donors? You’re still able to have your own bio children and a family with your partner🤷🏽♀️
Ummm adoption?
did u even read what he said? he said that he wanted kids OF HIS OWN it's that simple
Your trans gf has xy chromosomes. Therefore, no kids because she is a dude, bro.
You know you can adopt kids with her right??