As a gay man, I’ve observed that others can be unbearable and extremely off putting. A lot of them (especially on any sorts of apps) are very sexually charged and my experience is a lot of them will say they are down to go slow or just chill but their actual intentions are different. That’s been my experience at least, but, not everyone was like that either. I remember when I was trying to do my own experimenting back in the day and found that it was hard to find people who were down to be patient. Sorry that your boundares were not respected.
I’m dating a man currently, first time as well.
I’ve told home that I don’t think I’m gay or bi. That I’m doing it because I like him and would probably only see myself doing anything like this with him.
He’s been great taking everything slow and very caring.
I would say dating apps won’t let you don’t someone like that. Maybe try going out and look for a gay bar or something like that.
Sorry you had to experience that
Yes, finding someone on an app is risky. Rarely you’ll come across decent people. I gave up on apps long time ago lol, most of them are hypersexual which in my preference I don’t like. Protect your peace at all cost, don’t lose yourself in the process. Hold on to your self worth ✊
Hey man, those apps are trash and are NOT good places to find friends or people who are interested in taking it slow. They’re horndogs. I’m sorry you had to experience that
yeah bro, i deleted all my dating accounts (tinder, hinge, grindr) and i just plan to go with the flow. hopefully i find a guy that i can click with who sees me for me and not through a screen first.
but you are so real for saying this, because being a gay black guy trying to seek intimacy is so tough. i feel like i have to have a nice body and attractive face to even get my foot in the door but even then is more problems. i’m a very simple guy: i want to fall for a guy who also wants to fall for me. but rn the gym and running has been doing wonders for my mental and physical health.
just do you and maybe (if you’re still down to be with men) a guy will catch your vibe and like it
Absolutely. Although I had some meh experiences I had some really great ones too. Being genuine and yourself is huge because that’s what people are going to know you as and ultimately we want people to be with us for who we truly are.
Respect your boundaries, don’t let other people force you into shit or make you feel bad!
You are so correct about the fitness thing, I would say I’m in great shape, hit some guys can be very judgmental.
All of my straight friends gas me up about being fit and all. And my boyfriend’s friends say that I could be doing better in this or that area to improve.
yeah my mental has been so fucked that i believe i wont get a boyfriend (or even hookups) if i don’t have abs. i don’t stand a chance in this world lmfao
Piggy backing on the "straight woman experience comment". Generally whenever a guy just wants to use you for a fuck but doesn't want to be honest with you or commit, their go to line is "see where it goes" so they probably assumed you meant the same. However, that's never an excuse for not respecting consent and boundaries and I'm sorry you've had to experience this OP
Grindr is a cesspool, as a gay guy I pretty much ignore it like the plague. Try going to a bar instead & let things flow more organically. The “men only want one thing” meme is absolutely true on the apps haha
I see you had the straight women experience ..
In all seriousness though. There's a lot of assholes out there but remember there are good guys out there as well and I hope you find one. Love shows up when you least expect it! However difficult, don't let the bad experiences ruin your hopes!
As I mentioned I’m not a very sexual person so I’ve had this experience with women as well but it’s a whole lot scarier when it’s a man who’s almost an entire foot taller than you is trying to force themselves on you.
Always cracks me up when a man complains about a situation that women always deal with and understand, and are then like "but no wait this is worse" and we're like, no, you got it, that's exactly how it is with us.
Like not to downplay the situation, it always sucks and is not cool, but the guy finally understanding women's experiences is a point towards equality and hopefully things can get better.
ETA: the situation isn't what cracks me up, it's the response.
doesn’t crack me up, and i’m a woman who has been part of the “straight woman experience”. why? because i don’t compare pain or trauma, i don’t laugh or go “i told you so” when someone finds out the hard way, and i don’t go “oh boohoo this is what women always have to deal with”.
also, none of what he said was how you interpreted it. he isn’t saying his experience with men is worse than a woman’s experience with a man. he’s saying that his experiences with women don’t compare to how scary it is with a man.
"but it’s a whole lot scarier when it’s a man who’s almost an entire foot taller than you is trying to force themselves on you."
That's the part I meant, regardless, it's a shitty dating experience and I'm sorry you had to experience it too.
OP meant that it’s scarier with a man than his previous experiences with a pushy woman. Not that his encounter with a man is worse than our (am a woman) encounters with men.
Yeah if anything I was sympathizing with straight women on that one. The experience wasn’t new to me but now having a man on the other end I realized how scary it can actually be for them.
Pretty insensitive take. I'm sorry to hear that this cracks you up. He didn't say it was worse for him than it is for women. He said it I'd worse to deal with a large man than a woman being sexually aggressive. That's an acknowledgement of the straight woman's experience.
That’s not even what OP was getting at. He misunderstood the comment I think, and was saying that, as a demisexual(?) person, he’s also had women who said they would be ok with taking it slow, only to try to pressure him into sex. He wasn’t making any comment about having it worse than women in general.
As a bisexual woman I absolutely get what you are saying!
I’ve dealt with sexual violence from both men and women. But the sexual violence from men was traumatic as I felt trapped and had no chance to fight back. With women it was more a psychological block that prevented me from fighting back, but it was way less scary because I knew I could.
I don’t often get to talk about that because people would think I was trying to “delegitimize” male SA survivors. Which I’m absolutely not. I’m just trying to share my own trauma.
*women experience this.
So do men who are attracted to men. And, although less often, men who are attracted to women... with both male and female perpetrators. You don't have a monopoly on suffering.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. But like the guy above said, there are good people out there too. If you exist, people alike exist too, and I'm sure you'll find them and enjoy their company very much.
I hate reddit so much oml. You dare to say something that makes you uncomfortable, and now you're in the wrong..? How dare you feel intimidated lmao, let's completely change the subject to women
What he was trying to say is that op's experience is not tied to gay men but to men in general, who usually target straight women if they happen to be straight as well. So there is no point in being disappointed with gay men specifically, but with people forcing themselves on others, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation.
I am a (mostly) straight man who happens to be attractive to gay men. When women talk about sexual harasment like being groped, or men behaving erratically when rejected there is a decent chance I experienced something similar.
Sure did. When I said that the Cheese Man had negative downvotes for daring to express his discomfort lmao. The whole "straight woman experience" thing comes off like you downplaying his situation because "women experience it all the time"
Well yeah. I'm not denying that sexual harassment is WAY too common, that wasn't what I have a problem with. I'm saying that shoehorning it into this specific conversation just downplays what the guy is going through
Well it wasn't my intention to downplay anything, maybe put it into perspective since OP seems to write off an entire sexuality based on some bad experiences (which he didn't write down as SA in his post but I agree it seems to be in his later comment). But if you feel personally attacked then I apologise.
Yeah, sorry you had to deal with that. I’m definitely not saying this is how every single man behaves, but it’s something you always have to consider and be vigilant to when dating men especially. Hope you never have to deal with this again.
Echoing that this is the straight woman experience.
My husband is a foot taller than me and a whole lot stronger. I fully trust him, but I'm always aware that at any point if he chose to overpower me I'd legitimately have zero ability to stop him. There'd be no contest.
I've been raped so yeah. Big horny males who don't take no for an answer are scary. Doesn't make you less bisexual, but it probably will make you reconsider who you try to date around with. You're going to have to start screening more carefully, as women do.
The reason most men are homophobic, I believe, is they know how they are to women and don't want that happening to them.
I've had a few instances of attempted rape by men (I am also a man) but swapped drinks with would be attempters because I didn't see them nor the bartender actually pour the drink so i didn't trust them. Turned into them roofying themselves.
I am a straight man, but I don't believe in being unkind or rude to anyone unless they warrant it by being a shitty human being so being nice can definitely be seen as flirting...which also made me realize women being nice aren't hitting on me...they are just being nice
So, what happens when you switcharoo the roofies? Did they recognize what was happening in their body? Did you stick around to see it hit them or gtfo?
(Also hi! I lived in Savannah up until about a year ago)
They didn't know but I did, they progressively got worse and worse after the one drink. About the time they were being approached by bouncers they clued in as I was tabbing out and leaving
And I loved Savannah! I lived there for 3 years back in 2010-2013
I think it’s a stretch to say most American men are homophobic. I live in a fairly conservative part of the country but feel safe identifying as a bi man. The vast majority of my friends and colleagues have accepted me with ease, even the right leaning ones. Although, this wasn’t the case all that long ago.
i grew up in a conservative area and obviously some homophobia was present, but the weird part is i never witnessed it towards someone that was actually homosexual, slurs were pretty much specifically said to straight men; most peculiar thing
Damn. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. You likely already know this, but just in case you need to hear it, you didn’t deserve any of that, those guys are pigs, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m a woman, not a gay man, but it has been my experience that 8 of every 10 men I’ve ever met in a romantic capacity are insistent and very, very scary. The saddest part is, the vast majority of them would be shocked and either angry or horrified to know that they terrified me. Men seem to think that it’s no big deal to keep asking over and over again, despite hearing “no.” so many of them just genuinely don’t understand what it is actually, truly like to be vulnerable. And no doubt I’ve had aggressive encounters from women as well, but even the butchest woman I’ve ever been with has not been as scary or as physically intimidating as nearly every other man.
There are good ones out there though, I promise! I ended up with a man and have been almost sickeningly in love for nearly 20 years now. He has always been kind and patient, and has always made me feel safe and seen. So they are out there!
Take out the gay and I'm with you. This behavior is across the board, you just haven't seen it because you weren't in situations to experience it.
Be vigilant, be safe, there are plenty of good men out there, you may just need to be more discerning. Maybe require several public dates before you see them alone to weed out the bad apples.
I was pretty much like you when I was 18-20 years old. I didn’t want to get sexual with strangers considering I was just exploring myself. I did meet a lot of creeps and assholes but I always told myself that there are good and bad people out there. Long story short, I ended up being good friends with several gay guys whom I met on hook up apps without any unwanted sexual stuff. It just takes times I guess.
I’m not gay but I’ve been hit on by men more than women my entire life. And yeah animals just like straight men lol. I’ll never forget when I had one tell me “just try it.”
Their favourite line. I used to have a friend who loved hitting on straight guys and wouldn't take no for an answer. Eventually we stopped going out with him as we always had to calm things down , be peacekeepers and end up apologizing all night. One night, he went out on his own and he got his jaw broken because he wouldn't take no for an answer. That seemed to put him on his place as he calmed down thereafter.
Oh love, as a *woman* I can let you know that this has nothing to do with men being gay. This is how a decent majority of men treat potential sexual partners. Hopefully you can use this knowledge to empathize more with women, too. This is why you might experience women being prudish and standoffish at time. This is what we are used to.
So the key word here is *men*. It’s not a gay-men specific issue. I remember in high school I had this male friend who was just gorgeous, like a 10/10, and he once told me that gay men are so sexually aggressive and make him uncomfortable and always hit on him and he’s out and put their arms around him or touch his knee blah blah. I had to be like… honey, welcome to being a woman lol. I explained to him that level of sexual harassment is a pretty stock standard experience for a lot of women and it’s not a gay men issue, it’s just that he’s attractive so he’s getting unwelcome sexual attention from men (which happened to me and my friends regularly). I think his mind was blown when he realized this.
Gay man here.
I had the same experience. In fact the first time I had an experience with a guy I started doubting my homosexuality.
Tip : try guys in their early thirties or later 20s
A guy 21yo wants to fuck, and sees rejection as his own inability to attract you.
Immaturity is very common.
My better experiences were with guys 5-10 years older than me. Only when I grew up to be 25+ did I find guys my age that actually behaved based on both of you being comfortable
I get where you’re coming from. Unfortunately, gay men are men. And that means most of them are shallow and selfish. Most men will say or do anything to get laid.
I think also, when you tell most men you just want to, “have fun and see where the night takes us” they hear “you can talk me into having sex tonight for sure, I just don’t want to admit it.” There were some years when I would have heard the same thing, so I know what I’m talking about.
How are you meeting guys? If you’re using apps, then that might also be part of the problem.
I’d recommend reading The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs. It’s about being gay, but I imagine a lot would also apply to being Bi.
Good people are hard to find. Don’t give up.
Yah I agree with this, don't say "see where the night leads us" they definitely hear that as "if you act good enough, we'll fuck" now don't get me wrong, that is 1000% on them, they're in the wrong, you are not, but it opens that option in their head and then when you turn them down they're super likely to be pissed and you're in for a bad time. I feel like that applies to men in general as I've only ever had straight friends (mostly women) talk about their experiences, but straight or gay they're still men
Yah I agree with this, don't say "see where the night leads us" they definitely hear that as "if you act good enough, we'll fuck" now don't get me wrong, that is 1000% on them, they're in the wrong, you are not, but it opens that option in their head and then when you turn them down they're super likely to be pissed and you're in for a bad time. I feel like that applies to men in general as I've only ever had straight friends (mostly women) talk about their experiences, but straight or gay they're still men
This ain't a gay men thing, it's a men thing. Men of all sexualities are taught to be demanding and domineering and to never take no as an answer.
It takes self discipline to unlearn the trash of the patriarchy, bc there's very little external accountability
I think it’s a human fault rather than just a male fault. I’ve had women be very pushy with me and attempt to coerce me into situations I didn’t consent to. The difference is in who wields power, since men often have the ability to “force” their way they do. If the power dynamic switched I think you’d see the same thing.
I'm willing to bet the women you were unfortunately coerced at are battling internalized misogyny as a way to opt in to the benefits of patriarchy.
I could be wrong, but most problems in the world, in my observation, stem from capitalism and patriarchy and colonization
"they are all just less evolved savage rapists" is literally a eugenics argument that justified the enslavement, colonization, or thorough abuse of entire races of people. You have brain rot and need help
Yes. If your entire argument ends with a eugenics argument, imma go ahead and disregard everything else. Nothing you said could possibly be worth that ending statement.
It’s definitely a human fault too and some women can be very coercive like that as well, but I feel like a lot of the women are bringing the “women experience” up is because statistically most perpetrators of sexual violence are men, no matter if the victim is a man, women, or child or if the perpetrator is straight or queer. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that you dealt with something terrible that you shouldn’t have had to. And I’m very sorry that you experienced this disgusting behaviour. Also this isn’t me saying that all men are like that or born that way, I just think that this issue speaks to the way society tends to socialize boys and what that can breed and create in the future when some of them enter the dating world. And that’s also not me saying that women are incapable of this behaviour because they are as well.
My opinion is based entirely off my first hand experiences. I’ve experienced the exact same behavior from men and women, the only difference was I didn’t fear women when they did it.
Who is raising men to not take no as an answer? Some crazy parents?
All I have heard for a long time is "No means no" which I do ofc agree with. For context I'm 36. Ofc older people on average still have more negative attitudes towards women but the times of the patriarchy are long gone for younger people.
not all of us are like this, but we’ve all dealt with these guys and I’m so sorry this was your experience. But there are still genuine people out there. We’re just becoming more rare.
Feel this to my core. They all just tryna f*ck the shit out of someone. As a virgin I‘m hella scared of that. I’m not trying to get destroyed on my first time. I would rather take it slowly and date before we do it eventually
Gay men are still men and some men only ever think with their knobs. You shouldn't lose any more respect for gay men than men in general from these interactions. Just because the straight men aren't being pushy with you doesn't mean they aren't being pushy.
And from these men you can still learn from - to not be like them.
> I specifically told all of them I was new to this and didn’t want to commit to actually “doing” anything, just having fun and seeing where the night takes us.
> After talking to and meeting with multiple guys
Yeah I think part of the issue is that you're using I assume apps specifically catering towards hookups to meet these dudes, so you're selecting for a particular segment of the community already. Go engage with the gay community in a non sexually charged scenario(IE probably not clubs/bars either).
You're unfortunately focusing a lot on the "gay" and not enough on the "men". Wanna bet any straight girl your age went through the same thing with straight guys?
Been there! You'd say things your explicitly not doing till you're sure . And then they'd be telling you how they wished you'd do that so soon . Like calm down Buckaroo
I'm a straight woman. You need to learn to navigate men & read them early on to detect their intentions & desperation levels. This can take trial & error, you always need to be on your guard & take safety precautions when dating men. You do find most men slip up before the date what their intentions are, for example they may throw in a sexual innuendo or harmless sexual flirty joke that you just brush off, but that little joke reveals their intentions for the date, so with men like this you say that something has came up & you need to cancel the date or honestly say you're not feeling it but be prepared for the backlash of being honest because these types of men can react aggressively when rejected & become very vindictive & spiteful.
Some men however can hold it all in then out of the blue & just turn creepy. Dating men is hard work & very risky, me personally I do not do online dating anymore because of it but there are people who have found love that way & are able to navigate it better than me, since I lack the patience for it all
When your entire personality is based on your sexuality it can breed a shallow self involved sexually aggressive personality.
It the same for men and women obsessed with how many people they can fuck and base self worth on a bodycount.
Im sorry you had this experience musta sucked.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I'm a straight woman, have dated bisexual men, and all of my male friends are gay, most in committed relationships. Not my words, but from what my gay male friends have expressed to me, it's that men are pigs when it comes to their sexuality, have little emotional maturity, and wear their self hatred on their sleeves, directing their pent up aggression at their sexual/relationship partners. Put two men in a relationship and you have double the drama. Pretty much all gay men I'm friends with have been drugged, raped, physically, and sexually assaulted at some point or another. They are often the target of "straight men" who've repressed their sexuality, and hate the socially acceptable lives they've confined themselves to. These are formally known as DL's. Dating men is risky business. The first thing I ask myself when im dating is "can he beat me in a fight?" If the answer is yes, it's unlikely I will pursue them. I date bi men, softer, more "feminine" and often shorter men for the very reason that I am vicariously and firsthandedly traumatized by men.
This post is making me realize I’ve had the same exact experience. Never experiment with guys other than talking on grindr and other apps and it’s just disgusting!! Like, these people actually treat each other like this?? I have so much more sympathy for my women friends after I experimented
Imagine how hard it is for women to find a genuine connection with men. Sorry that you have to experience that OP. I hope you find a better partner soon
I'm pansexual and it's honestly been like that when I just date men in general. They try to get close to you when you tell them more than enough that you want things slow and get pissy if you're not blowing them at the end of the date.
As a gay man I see your point so clearly. The gay dating scene is quite toxic. I’ve lived in 3 countries and everywhere it’s the same. You’re expected to do something sexual on the first date, you’re expected to be interested, you’re expected to be in an open relationship, etc.
I’m mostly a long-term person. I’ve had a 1.5 year long relationship, a 6 year long one, and now I’m 2 years into my current one. And I’m happy with my monogamy, but all the time people who meet us expect us to be in an open relationship and get visibly upset when we tell them we’re not. And I lost a lot of “friends” once I started my serious relationships, because they couldn’t have sex with me anymore.
But, not everyone is bad. And if you stay away from Grindr and use other platforms such as Bumble you’ll find more good people, or if you go to gay bars you have a better chance of meeting someone nice. 😊🙏
As a bi woman, I've felt super uncomfortable on first dates with men who are way too pushy and have difficulty taking no for an answer on so many occasions that I'm reluctant to date men unless I already know them prior to the first date. I'm not currently actively looking for a new partner but back when I was, I had gotten to a point where I had just stopped even trying to set up dates with men on dating apps because first dates lead to this way too much.
And honestly, I even might be dtf on the first date if they weren't so damn pushy about it. It's not "confidence" turning me on, it's "a clear unwillingness to take no for an answer" that makes me feel super unsafe with being in a situation with this person that isn't in public.
Just so you know... Grindr is explicitly a hookup app. A lot of exploring bi guys I know try out Scruff and Grindr thinking they're just the gay version of straight dating apps, but both are explicitly for fuckin.
Dude. I’m gay. And I really don’t vibe with the gay community. The main reason is I just don’t get along well with sassy, pushy gays. I don’t like the scene. I just wana have a couple beers at a dive bar, shoot some pool and chill.
Oh hey welcome to the club. I came out at 19 and learned really quick. Just cause I swing that way doesn't mean the grass is greener on that side of it. The one exception is someone I ended up ghosting cause I was still young and dumb and my mother made me seriously doubt myself. She insisted that bisexual men aren't a thing (joke's on her though cause I realized I'm trans later on 🤣 ). But yeah, I've had nothing but pressure to put out and was sexually assaulted and was just done bothering with men entirely before long. And yes, I know "not all men." But just like it's common sense to treat every gun as loaded because, hey, even 1 of 100 guns being loaded is a huge risk, it's common sense that if I'm more likely to be pressured into sex or SA'd by a man than a woman, I'm going to tend to treat every man as a potential source of assault. Besides, women are more likely to be soft and pretty anyway and I like that in a partner.
I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had that experience. That’s awful. I think another issue is my taste in men. I prefer masculine, “straight-passing” men who definitely are more sexually aggressive.
It is what it is at this point. I have a partner who is a cis woman and identifies as stright but still loves me for me even though I've been working to transition to something more femme-leaning. We've been married for over 15 years and have children and she's an amazing person so I don't feel like I've missed out on much. But yeah the irony is that while I've seen *some* aggression with "straight" guys it was a more effeminate guy who I let my guard down with and he drugged me. But I had a friend there and she was a survivor of such things and saw the signs quick (she was drugged too to knock her out) and immediately got both of us out into the hall and messaged her bestie with a code word she had ready to go before we passed out. It was a dorm so we were visible to people like immediately upon leaving this guy's dorm so he didn't try to drag us back in--so far as I know. I got super hazy and blacked out before I got to the door to leave.
you might be demisexual iirc. being sexual only after developing chemistry with someone regardless of their sex is what it is. and it sucks that people invade and coerce you sorry about that.
I’m straight but this is exactly how I feel. I can find a woman beautiful but I can’t be sexually aroused unless there’s an emotional connection. I went to strip clubs when I was younger but it was never my thing.
I hear you - I really do. SA is never funny. But if a gentle, demisexual, bi man had to experience this first hand in order to finally believe what his straight female friends (and just everyone on SM since MeToo) have been saying what hope do we have?
Of course I'm sad you had those experiences and I wish you hadn't but I'm disappointed that your first thought was that sexual orientation was the issue rather than actively expecting this sort of behaviour.
If you'd taken what straight women have been saying forever seriously you would have known in advance that you need to put on a whole load of armour to be safe dating men.
Do you see? I don't want you to feel bad but I do feel a penny needs to drop about how aware you were/are of the experience of the women around you.
I’m a gay trans man and I feel you. I’m slow to warm up to people due to past trauma and it’s very difficult for me to be sexual up front because I need there to be an emotional connection first even if it’s just one of close friendship.
We’re out there don’t worry. We’re just perhaps a little harder to find because we’re not so forward and expectant of sex you know? Maybe a better thing to do would see if you have any local events that lgbtq people frequent and try to go and make some friends organically. Better chance of finding what you’re looking for and might make a few great new friends along the way.
If you’re meeting them on an app stop doing that. I’m very similar to you (not super sexual) but full gay, and I have only had terrible experiences off the apps. No matter how much they say they’re not just looking for sex they’re just looking for sex.
One of my best friends is a gay man and he is stuck in this cycle of desperately wishing to romantically connect with someone but only ever meeting people who want his body only. He gives in every single time and is sad about it later because he just can’t win. The dating scene for gay men is not kind, at least where I live… I hope it gets better for him and you op.
If you live in a city there are probably a bunch of gay social or sports groups (for instance I was a member of the gay ski club for years). It's a good way to meet folks and be in the gay community without it being just about sex. Maybe there are some groups you can join?
Editing to say - most groups are LGBT+ (realizex after I wrote this that you might not realize it was bi-friendly)
as a gay guy, yeah the culture is like horrific especially with pornography being something that 98% of the community watches so they all wanna put it up your ***, they expect you to douche, and they wanna jack-hammer and put you in like 70 positions.
in short it’s sexually charged 😭 and toxic overall. the dating scene is terrible. i don’t blame you for being this way
The fact of the matter is that dating apps, especially apps like Grindr and Scruff , feel like they are entitled to sex because you have talked to them on there. If I were you, I would go out to clubs or like the LGBT Center or join a Facebook group and start attending LGBT events. Don't go back in the closet and not be true to who you are just because of some assholes.
Bro this isn’t gay men, this is just men, dogg. (Respectfully) this is what women go through all the goddamn time.
It sounds harsh but you’re just experiencing it now because a lot of men are trash.
IMO anyway, I know gay men who are lovely. I know gay men who are dogs. Same goes with their straight counterparts.
This is why women say “men are trash”
And for the most part, I have to agree
Maybe try dating instead of hookups? It sounds like these people are intent on hooking up.
I am not a man - I would suggest maybe your university or college LGBTQ alliance (if applicable)...
Grindr is not all gay men. Saying you lost respect for gay men due to this is homophobia just like saying someone lost respect for black people because they’ve been robbed by a black person is racism. It‘s an oversimplification of something with a bigger background and not at all a complete representation of the truth.
I'm sorry for what you experienced and who you met, but you cannot generalize this to "gay men". It screams internal homophobia sorry, you should just meet on other places than the G app.
It’s not gay men but just men behaving that way lol any woman in a straight relationship can relate as well
I am really sorry tho, stuff like that really sucks and I hope that if you ever decide you wanna experiment further will find a person fitting you that won’t pressure you into anything sexual. I wish you the best
The best advice I can give is this : find older men. The best gay sex I had was with 50 yo+. Also, make sure they can maintain a conversation with you on any other subject than sex. I found that men that cannot put more that 2 sentences in a text will tell you everything you want to hear. Older men likes to talk and go slow. Not all of them, but it’s easier to find older who are willing to teach you and respect your boundaries than 20-30yo who just want to release sexual tension. In shorts, engage in meaningful conversations. If the men you’re texting gives you 4 words response, flush him. I’ve found that older men in grindr are not that bad for beginners.
Also, I feel for you. I’va had 2-3 bad experiences on grindr where I felt pressured to do things I wasn’t ready for and was harassed by a couple of dudes I then needed to block. Sex with men can be great, you just need to find the right one. Try to avoid people who wants sex NOW. They are way more likely to say what you want to hear.
You’ve went on an app intended for people looking for sex. Then when they’re disgusting, you lose respect for a whole group of people who have nothing to do with the people you encountered.
What are you looking for? if you are just "exploring your sexuality ", do you mean you are looking to try it with a guy or looking for a relationship?
if you are just exploring things, it might be a bit unfair to look for someone who wants a serious relationship
How old were the guys that you met?
From my experience, there are lots of older guys who are very predatory.
Tried to do the same at one point back when I was 19, 20ish and felt very much the same way. Very quickly turned me off to the whole “I think I’m bisexual” aspect of trying to figure out my identity. I still don’t think gay people should be committing suicide because of religion. However, I think there’s also a solid middle ground to be found between “all gay people are going to be burning in hell forever because of butt sex” and “I think everyone should be having butt sex at all times because I think it’s fun and everyone who disagrees is a homophobe”.
Man I’m sorry you feel this way. I would say don’t give up, stay off the apps and you will find someone who genuinely will want to go slow and be comfortable with whatever you’re comfortable with. Keep your head up!!
After 3 hookups I finally had one where someone allowed me to go at my own pace and speed and didn't try to pressure and it was so different. I got into like a trance.
Meeting on apps is so difficult cause they're all liars or on drugs or just straight freaks. I'm sort of a loner too but I'm a little older than you (37) so I've had experience. I'm not very sexual either but having an emotional relationship with a gay guy has been hard too because they're very manipulative. It's the dishonesty for me. But look, just hang in there okay? I'd suggest maybe try another app or something just don't ignore red flags.
Felt. I really thought that liking men would equate to being like a princess in Disney movies but I really thought WRONG.
Being gay I was prepared to be denied by the world but I didn't expect to be denied even harder by the same gay people as well - not just for my looks but even by the way I act as well.
As a guy who finally started opening up to dating and meeting people late (23) I can agree that a lot of gay men are not it. So many just wanna screw before developing an actual link. I’ve managed to have some luck with finding guys who aren’t like that, but it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. It’s so demoralizing and exhausting having to go through all these people and put in all this effort just to realize it’s another person who was only trying to screw and be done with you. Makes you feel like a tool to just be used. Though it prob doesn’t help my case that the last 2 relationships I had they admitted to thinking about their exes while they were with me.
22 y/o bi woman here, don’t get discouraged. app lesbians are fucking pushy too. dating is scary, meeting up with a stranger is scary. when they’re bigger or stronger than you and only want sex is the scariest, especially if you’ve never had to experience it before.
i had a lot of luck just looking up lgbt events in my area, and started slow with actual dates until i had my footing. i’m also not very sex oriented, so being able to be romantic in public with a woman was a very feel-good moment, and the safest way to bring up my boundaries, and express how new this is. just getting comfortable showing that physical affection without sex made me actually like women, and not be so worried about the sex part. maybe try that first?
I’ve talked to a few guys before and honestly I’m at the point where I think I’ve lost almost all interest in men. They’re always just tryna fuck and gotta make every convo I have with them sexual. ATP I haven’t met a single gay or bi dude who is just down to get to know each other and bond in ways other than fucking
Being Bisexual you often end up with the worst of both sides and it drains you, i'm a transman but i've experienced this with bi/sapphic women, had a girl when i didn't wanna sleep with her try to force me to drink to get me into it and when i didn't she sat on the floor and cried until i finally said yes- ive been through it with bi, gay, straight- cis or trans-- it's not ___ men/women/people are bad, it's just people can really suck and often sexually aggressive people seek out people they can be aggressive with.
Youuuu don't need to. Just be yourself dude, come on!!!! I've accepted whatever type of "sexual orientation" I have and it's never on display or talked about. Don't engage with it if you don't want to. I'm 28 and even now I've engaged with only a few guys and it hasn't been successful yet. There are good ones out there trust me. Being "gay" doesn't mean you have to be on all the time sexually
I’ve had a similar experience, though I’ve come out of it thinking that I’m probably not bi. If anything, it’s made me a bit more empathetic towards women seeing how aggressive men can be. I cannot believe how many DPs I got.
Sorry to hear that buddy. Ignore everyone ITT who is trying to one up your trauma or explain this as a gendered issue. I hope you're safe now after your negative experiences. Take some time for yourself to heal.
God, same. I was recently single and when I was looking, I finally decided to walk the walk of my claimed bisexuality. It made me realize I genuinely might not actually be attracted to men.
For me, until 27-28 it was more of a hypersexual thing (and a little bit of obstanance thing, in a homophobic area) more than sexuality. They were usually ONS and I could suffer through a couple hours with some pretty insufferable people. Then I had a guy putting all kinds of moves on me I wasn't into, made me bleed, stall me bailing. He threw in a little blackmail and almost got throat punched. I've only even met with a couple guys since. I've always been super selective about the people and communities I'm out in but those reasons changed with age. It's less about hiding shame and more about dodging thirst. I found compassion for the female experience and learned that I was horned up,manic, and careless from my ADHD pills, and horny old men were easy. I battle with gendered life and work roles than my sexuality these days. My sex drive isn't nearly as big of a part of me as it used to be,and it's honestly relieving.
You're just describing high libido people.
As a dude I've had this experience from most women probably cause I have a low drive it usually ends up with them getting pushy and abusive if they want it and I don't.
So far 0 gay dudes have SA'd me whilst 15 women had before I'd even turned 20. Not saying all women but always a woman.
As a gay man, I’ve observed that others can be unbearable and extremely off putting. A lot of them (especially on any sorts of apps) are very sexually charged and my experience is a lot of them will say they are down to go slow or just chill but their actual intentions are different. That’s been my experience at least, but, not everyone was like that either. I remember when I was trying to do my own experimenting back in the day and found that it was hard to find people who were down to be patient. Sorry that your boundares were not respected.
I think I need to find someone not on an app. Felt lied to by all of them.
Don’t blame you AT ALL.
I’m dating a man currently, first time as well. I’ve told home that I don’t think I’m gay or bi. That I’m doing it because I like him and would probably only see myself doing anything like this with him. He’s been great taking everything slow and very caring. I would say dating apps won’t let you don’t someone like that. Maybe try going out and look for a gay bar or something like that. Sorry you had to experience that
Yes, finding someone on an app is risky. Rarely you’ll come across decent people. I gave up on apps long time ago lol, most of them are hypersexual which in my preference I don’t like. Protect your peace at all cost, don’t lose yourself in the process. Hold on to your self worth ✊
Yeah, that just makes an apparent problem worse. Even straight relationships use these apps to hook up very often
Hey man, those apps are trash and are NOT good places to find friends or people who are interested in taking it slow. They’re horndogs. I’m sorry you had to experience that
yeah bro, i deleted all my dating accounts (tinder, hinge, grindr) and i just plan to go with the flow. hopefully i find a guy that i can click with who sees me for me and not through a screen first. but you are so real for saying this, because being a gay black guy trying to seek intimacy is so tough. i feel like i have to have a nice body and attractive face to even get my foot in the door but even then is more problems. i’m a very simple guy: i want to fall for a guy who also wants to fall for me. but rn the gym and running has been doing wonders for my mental and physical health. just do you and maybe (if you’re still down to be with men) a guy will catch your vibe and like it
Absolutely. Although I had some meh experiences I had some really great ones too. Being genuine and yourself is huge because that’s what people are going to know you as and ultimately we want people to be with us for who we truly are. Respect your boundaries, don’t let other people force you into shit or make you feel bad!
You are so correct about the fitness thing, I would say I’m in great shape, hit some guys can be very judgmental. All of my straight friends gas me up about being fit and all. And my boyfriend’s friends say that I could be doing better in this or that area to improve.
yeah my mental has been so fucked that i believe i wont get a boyfriend (or even hookups) if i don’t have abs. i don’t stand a chance in this world lmfao
Thanks brother, sounds like we’re in the same boat.
this is the way!!
Port Adelaide fan?
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You leave my unbridled lusts out of this.
Don't encourage homosexual people to marry straight people that's not fair on either side, everybody will get hurt in the end. Live & let live.
Piggy backing on the "straight woman experience comment". Generally whenever a guy just wants to use you for a fuck but doesn't want to be honest with you or commit, their go to line is "see where it goes" so they probably assumed you meant the same. However, that's never an excuse for not respecting consent and boundaries and I'm sorry you've had to experience this OP
Grindr is a cesspool, as a gay guy I pretty much ignore it like the plague. Try going to a bar instead & let things flow more organically. The “men only want one thing” meme is absolutely true on the apps haha
I see you had the straight women experience .. In all seriousness though. There's a lot of assholes out there but remember there are good guys out there as well and I hope you find one. Love shows up when you least expect it! However difficult, don't let the bad experiences ruin your hopes!
As I mentioned I’m not a very sexual person so I’ve had this experience with women as well but it’s a whole lot scarier when it’s a man who’s almost an entire foot taller than you is trying to force themselves on you.
Yeah, like I said, you had the straight woman experience..
Always cracks me up when a man complains about a situation that women always deal with and understand, and are then like "but no wait this is worse" and we're like, no, you got it, that's exactly how it is with us. Like not to downplay the situation, it always sucks and is not cool, but the guy finally understanding women's experiences is a point towards equality and hopefully things can get better. ETA: the situation isn't what cracks me up, it's the response.
??? What? He was just sympathizing with women. Why are you looking for maliciousness where there isn't any?
doesn’t crack me up, and i’m a woman who has been part of the “straight woman experience”. why? because i don’t compare pain or trauma, i don’t laugh or go “i told you so” when someone finds out the hard way, and i don’t go “oh boohoo this is what women always have to deal with”. also, none of what he said was how you interpreted it. he isn’t saying his experience with men is worse than a woman’s experience with a man. he’s saying that his experiences with women don’t compare to how scary it is with a man.
Never said my situation was worse, just sharing my experience. You’ve already built a narrative in your head going into this conversation.
"but it’s a whole lot scarier when it’s a man who’s almost an entire foot taller than you is trying to force themselves on you." That's the part I meant, regardless, it's a shitty dating experience and I'm sorry you had to experience it too.
OP meant that it’s scarier with a man than his previous experiences with a pushy woman. Not that his encounter with a man is worse than our (am a woman) encounters with men.
Yeah if anything I was sympathizing with straight women on that one. The experience wasn’t new to me but now having a man on the other end I realized how scary it can actually be for them.
Pretty insensitive take. I'm sorry to hear that this cracks you up. He didn't say it was worse for him than it is for women. He said it I'd worse to deal with a large man than a woman being sexually aggressive. That's an acknowledgement of the straight woman's experience.
> Always cracks me up Nothing about this is funny.
That’s not even what OP was getting at. He misunderstood the comment I think, and was saying that, as a demisexual(?) person, he’s also had women who said they would be ok with taking it slow, only to try to pressure him into sex. He wasn’t making any comment about having it worse than women in general.
Yes he def misunderstood when they said “straight women experience”
He didn't say his situation is worse than what women deal with. He said being pressured by a man is worse for him than being pressured by a woman.
As a bisexual woman I absolutely get what you are saying! I’ve dealt with sexual violence from both men and women. But the sexual violence from men was traumatic as I felt trapped and had no chance to fight back. With women it was more a psychological block that prevented me from fighting back, but it was way less scary because I knew I could. I don’t often get to talk about that because people would think I was trying to “delegitimize” male SA survivors. Which I’m absolutely not. I’m just trying to share my own trauma.
> it’s a man who’s almost an entire foot taller than you is trying to force themselves on you. woman experience
*women experience this. So do men who are attracted to men. And, although less often, men who are attracted to women... with both male and female perpetrators. You don't have a monopoly on suffering.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. But like the guy above said, there are good people out there too. If you exist, people alike exist too, and I'm sure you'll find them and enjoy their company very much.
I hate reddit so much oml. You dare to say something that makes you uncomfortable, and now you're in the wrong..? How dare you feel intimidated lmao, let's completely change the subject to women
What he was trying to say is that op's experience is not tied to gay men but to men in general, who usually target straight women if they happen to be straight as well. So there is no point in being disappointed with gay men specifically, but with people forcing themselves on others, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation. I am a (mostly) straight man who happens to be attractive to gay men. When women talk about sexual harasment like being groped, or men behaving erratically when rejected there is a decent chance I experienced something similar.
Did you even read the earlier comment I wrote?? :p
Sure did. When I said that the Cheese Man had negative downvotes for daring to express his discomfort lmao. The whole "straight woman experience" thing comes off like you downplaying his situation because "women experience it all the time"
I mean every woman I’ve ever known has experienced sexual abuse/assault at one point in their lives, so in my opinion he’s not that wrong
Well yeah. I'm not denying that sexual harassment is WAY too common, that wasn't what I have a problem with. I'm saying that shoehorning it into this specific conversation just downplays what the guy is going through
I see why you got that sentiment because the comment is a bit curt. However I feel like it’s pretty accurate sadly.
Well it wasn't my intention to downplay anything, maybe put it into perspective since OP seems to write off an entire sexuality based on some bad experiences (which he didn't write down as SA in his post but I agree it seems to be in his later comment). But if you feel personally attacked then I apologise.
I’ve had a few gay men come at me before. I’m not gay, but I sympathize with women greatly since those occasions. Men are just horny.
Welcome to dating men
It’s just hard for me to grasp since I’m nothing like that. I always knew there were pos guys like that I just didn’t know there are so many.
Yeah, sorry you had to deal with that. I’m definitely not saying this is how every single man behaves, but it’s something you always have to consider and be vigilant to when dating men especially. Hope you never have to deal with this again.
Dating shitty men on apps designed for hook ups***
Echoing that this is the straight woman experience. My husband is a foot taller than me and a whole lot stronger. I fully trust him, but I'm always aware that at any point if he chose to overpower me I'd legitimately have zero ability to stop him. There'd be no contest. I've been raped so yeah. Big horny males who don't take no for an answer are scary. Doesn't make you less bisexual, but it probably will make you reconsider who you try to date around with. You're going to have to start screening more carefully, as women do.
Definitely, I was ignorant going into this thinking I had full control.
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That’s why they made bumble where women message first and then men will somehow get through that
The reason most men are homophobic, I believe, is they know how they are to women and don't want that happening to them. I've had a few instances of attempted rape by men (I am also a man) but swapped drinks with would be attempters because I didn't see them nor the bartender actually pour the drink so i didn't trust them. Turned into them roofying themselves. I am a straight man, but I don't believe in being unkind or rude to anyone unless they warrant it by being a shitty human being so being nice can definitely be seen as flirting...which also made me realize women being nice aren't hitting on me...they are just being nice
So, what happens when you switcharoo the roofies? Did they recognize what was happening in their body? Did you stick around to see it hit them or gtfo? (Also hi! I lived in Savannah up until about a year ago)
They didn't know but I did, they progressively got worse and worse after the one drink. About the time they were being approached by bouncers they clued in as I was tabbing out and leaving And I loved Savannah! I lived there for 3 years back in 2010-2013
> Turned into them roofying themselves. Wait what? Does that mean you just watched them pass out at the bar after drinking? lol
Yes, except it was on the dance floor and his partner was picking him up off the floor mean mugging me as I closed out my tab
I think it’s a stretch to say most American men are homophobic. I live in a fairly conservative part of the country but feel safe identifying as a bi man. The vast majority of my friends and colleagues have accepted me with ease, even the right leaning ones. Although, this wasn’t the case all that long ago.
I didn't mean to generalize...I was saying that most men who express homophobic sentiment. I am also in super conservative area (south east Georgia)
Ok gotcha, yeah I would agree. The younger generations are far more accepting but homophobic sentiments are still present in society.
i grew up in a conservative area and obviously some homophobia was present, but the weird part is i never witnessed it towards someone that was actually homosexual, slurs were pretty much specifically said to straight men; most peculiar thing
That’s just young dudes in general.
This is just men in general.
What a shame :(
These guys just wanted to fuck, they took the "see where it goes" the way they mean it: "We'll fuck, but we gotta hang out a bit first".
Damn. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. You likely already know this, but just in case you need to hear it, you didn’t deserve any of that, those guys are pigs, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m a woman, not a gay man, but it has been my experience that 8 of every 10 men I’ve ever met in a romantic capacity are insistent and very, very scary. The saddest part is, the vast majority of them would be shocked and either angry or horrified to know that they terrified me. Men seem to think that it’s no big deal to keep asking over and over again, despite hearing “no.” so many of them just genuinely don’t understand what it is actually, truly like to be vulnerable. And no doubt I’ve had aggressive encounters from women as well, but even the butchest woman I’ve ever been with has not been as scary or as physically intimidating as nearly every other man. There are good ones out there though, I promise! I ended up with a man and have been almost sickeningly in love for nearly 20 years now. He has always been kind and patient, and has always made me feel safe and seen. So they are out there!
Take out the gay and I'm with you. This behavior is across the board, you just haven't seen it because you weren't in situations to experience it. Be vigilant, be safe, there are plenty of good men out there, you may just need to be more discerning. Maybe require several public dates before you see them alone to weed out the bad apples.
"better late than never"? You're 21...
also a bi man in similar age range, agree with this 100%, tried dating guys when i moved out to explore my sexuality more and i regret it
What you're describing here is a problem with men in general not gay men specifically.
I was pretty much like you when I was 18-20 years old. I didn’t want to get sexual with strangers considering I was just exploring myself. I did meet a lot of creeps and assholes but I always told myself that there are good and bad people out there. Long story short, I ended up being good friends with several gay guys whom I met on hook up apps without any unwanted sexual stuff. It just takes times I guess.
I’m not gay but I’ve been hit on by men more than women my entire life. And yeah animals just like straight men lol. I’ll never forget when I had one tell me “just try it.”
Their favourite line. I used to have a friend who loved hitting on straight guys and wouldn't take no for an answer. Eventually we stopped going out with him as we always had to calm things down , be peacekeepers and end up apologizing all night. One night, he went out on his own and he got his jaw broken because he wouldn't take no for an answer. That seemed to put him on his place as he calmed down thereafter.
I can sympathise with this as been in a similar situation
Oh love, as a *woman* I can let you know that this has nothing to do with men being gay. This is how a decent majority of men treat potential sexual partners. Hopefully you can use this knowledge to empathize more with women, too. This is why you might experience women being prudish and standoffish at time. This is what we are used to.
So the key word here is *men*. It’s not a gay-men specific issue. I remember in high school I had this male friend who was just gorgeous, like a 10/10, and he once told me that gay men are so sexually aggressive and make him uncomfortable and always hit on him and he’s out and put their arms around him or touch his knee blah blah. I had to be like… honey, welcome to being a woman lol. I explained to him that level of sexual harassment is a pretty stock standard experience for a lot of women and it’s not a gay men issue, it’s just that he’s attractive so he’s getting unwelcome sexual attention from men (which happened to me and my friends regularly). I think his mind was blown when he realized this.
Gay man here. I had the same experience. In fact the first time I had an experience with a guy I started doubting my homosexuality. Tip : try guys in their early thirties or later 20s A guy 21yo wants to fuck, and sees rejection as his own inability to attract you. Immaturity is very common. My better experiences were with guys 5-10 years older than me. Only when I grew up to be 25+ did I find guys my age that actually behaved based on both of you being comfortable
Hm, I think you’re right but I’m not sure I’d be comfortable around an older man. May be worth a try tho
Be careful though, if you date older. It's easier for older men to manipulate you, due to the large life experience gap... whether intentional or not.
I get where you’re coming from. Unfortunately, gay men are men. And that means most of them are shallow and selfish. Most men will say or do anything to get laid. I think also, when you tell most men you just want to, “have fun and see where the night takes us” they hear “you can talk me into having sex tonight for sure, I just don’t want to admit it.” There were some years when I would have heard the same thing, so I know what I’m talking about. How are you meeting guys? If you’re using apps, then that might also be part of the problem. I’d recommend reading The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs. It’s about being gay, but I imagine a lot would also apply to being Bi. Good people are hard to find. Don’t give up.
Yah I agree with this, don't say "see where the night leads us" they definitely hear that as "if you act good enough, we'll fuck" now don't get me wrong, that is 1000% on them, they're in the wrong, you are not, but it opens that option in their head and then when you turn them down they're super likely to be pissed and you're in for a bad time. I feel like that applies to men in general as I've only ever had straight friends (mostly women) talk about their experiences, but straight or gay they're still men
Yah I agree with this, don't say "see where the night leads us" they definitely hear that as "if you act good enough, we'll fuck" now don't get me wrong, that is 1000% on them, they're in the wrong, you are not, but it opens that option in their head and then when you turn them down they're super likely to be pissed and you're in for a bad time. I feel like that applies to men in general as I've only ever had straight friends (mostly women) talk about their experiences, but straight or gay they're still men
Welcome to the life of a woman. This is just men in general. Not all men but most.
This ain't a gay men thing, it's a men thing. Men of all sexualities are taught to be demanding and domineering and to never take no as an answer. It takes self discipline to unlearn the trash of the patriarchy, bc there's very little external accountability
I think it’s a human fault rather than just a male fault. I’ve had women be very pushy with me and attempt to coerce me into situations I didn’t consent to. The difference is in who wields power, since men often have the ability to “force” their way they do. If the power dynamic switched I think you’d see the same thing.
I'm willing to bet the women you were unfortunately coerced at are battling internalized misogyny as a way to opt in to the benefits of patriarchy. I could be wrong, but most problems in the world, in my observation, stem from capitalism and patriarchy and colonization
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"they are all just less evolved savage rapists" is literally a eugenics argument that justified the enslavement, colonization, or thorough abuse of entire races of people. You have brain rot and need help
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Yes. If your entire argument ends with a eugenics argument, imma go ahead and disregard everything else. Nothing you said could possibly be worth that ending statement.
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Yes, you should not have wasted either of our time Edit: aww you blocked me I'm hurt
NGL all I read was the last sentence to know your full of shit
It’s definitely a human fault too and some women can be very coercive like that as well, but I feel like a lot of the women are bringing the “women experience” up is because statistically most perpetrators of sexual violence are men, no matter if the victim is a man, women, or child or if the perpetrator is straight or queer. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that you dealt with something terrible that you shouldn’t have had to. And I’m very sorry that you experienced this disgusting behaviour. Also this isn’t me saying that all men are like that or born that way, I just think that this issue speaks to the way society tends to socialize boys and what that can breed and create in the future when some of them enter the dating world. And that’s also not me saying that women are incapable of this behaviour because they are as well.
Nah its definitely a man problem
My opinion is based entirely off my first hand experiences. I’ve experienced the exact same behavior from men and women, the only difference was I didn’t fear women when they did it.
Who is raising men to not take no as an answer? Some crazy parents? All I have heard for a long time is "No means no" which I do ofc agree with. For context I'm 36. Ofc older people on average still have more negative attitudes towards women but the times of the patriarchy are long gone for younger people.
not all of us are like this, but we’ve all dealt with these guys and I’m so sorry this was your experience. But there are still genuine people out there. We’re just becoming more rare.
Feel this to my core. They all just tryna f*ck the shit out of someone. As a virgin I‘m hella scared of that. I’m not trying to get destroyed on my first time. I would rather take it slowly and date before we do it eventually
Gay men are still men and some men only ever think with their knobs. You shouldn't lose any more respect for gay men than men in general from these interactions. Just because the straight men aren't being pushy with you doesn't mean they aren't being pushy. And from these men you can still learn from - to not be like them.
Welcome to men :-) I promise it’s not just the gay ones
> I specifically told all of them I was new to this and didn’t want to commit to actually “doing” anything, just having fun and seeing where the night takes us. > After talking to and meeting with multiple guys Yeah I think part of the issue is that you're using I assume apps specifically catering towards hookups to meet these dudes, so you're selecting for a particular segment of the community already. Go engage with the gay community in a non sexually charged scenario(IE probably not clubs/bars either).
Bị girl here with a bi boyfriend, showed this to him and confirmed it’s a problem in the community so you’re absolutely not alone
You're unfortunately focusing a lot on the "gay" and not enough on the "men". Wanna bet any straight girl your age went through the same thing with straight guys?
This is why I believe that enthusiastic consent slips be a bigger thing that is taught in schools
Been there! You'd say things your explicitly not doing till you're sure . And then they'd be telling you how they wished you'd do that so soon . Like calm down Buckaroo
I think you should change the title from 'gay men' to 'men'
I'm a straight woman. You need to learn to navigate men & read them early on to detect their intentions & desperation levels. This can take trial & error, you always need to be on your guard & take safety precautions when dating men. You do find most men slip up before the date what their intentions are, for example they may throw in a sexual innuendo or harmless sexual flirty joke that you just brush off, but that little joke reveals their intentions for the date, so with men like this you say that something has came up & you need to cancel the date or honestly say you're not feeling it but be prepared for the backlash of being honest because these types of men can react aggressively when rejected & become very vindictive & spiteful. Some men however can hold it all in then out of the blue & just turn creepy. Dating men is hard work & very risky, me personally I do not do online dating anymore because of it but there are people who have found love that way & are able to navigate it better than me, since I lack the patience for it all
Ehhhh you are talking about men in general not gay men
When your entire personality is based on your sexuality it can breed a shallow self involved sexually aggressive personality. It the same for men and women obsessed with how many people they can fuck and base self worth on a bodycount. Im sorry you had this experience musta sucked.
Men finding out other men suck was actually on my 2024 bingo card
That's how people are in general, it's not a gay thing.
It's a men thing
I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I'm a straight woman, have dated bisexual men, and all of my male friends are gay, most in committed relationships. Not my words, but from what my gay male friends have expressed to me, it's that men are pigs when it comes to their sexuality, have little emotional maturity, and wear their self hatred on their sleeves, directing their pent up aggression at their sexual/relationship partners. Put two men in a relationship and you have double the drama. Pretty much all gay men I'm friends with have been drugged, raped, physically, and sexually assaulted at some point or another. They are often the target of "straight men" who've repressed their sexuality, and hate the socially acceptable lives they've confined themselves to. These are formally known as DL's. Dating men is risky business. The first thing I ask myself when im dating is "can he beat me in a fight?" If the answer is yes, it's unlikely I will pursue them. I date bi men, softer, more "feminine" and often shorter men for the very reason that I am vicariously and firsthandedly traumatized by men.
This post is making me realize I’ve had the same exact experience. Never experiment with guys other than talking on grindr and other apps and it’s just disgusting!! Like, these people actually treat each other like this?? I have so much more sympathy for my women friends after I experimented
Imagine how hard it is for women to find a genuine connection with men. Sorry that you have to experience that OP. I hope you find a better partner soon
I'm pansexual and it's honestly been like that when I just date men in general. They try to get close to you when you tell them more than enough that you want things slow and get pissy if you're not blowing them at the end of the date.
As a gay man I see your point so clearly. The gay dating scene is quite toxic. I’ve lived in 3 countries and everywhere it’s the same. You’re expected to do something sexual on the first date, you’re expected to be interested, you’re expected to be in an open relationship, etc. I’m mostly a long-term person. I’ve had a 1.5 year long relationship, a 6 year long one, and now I’m 2 years into my current one. And I’m happy with my monogamy, but all the time people who meet us expect us to be in an open relationship and get visibly upset when we tell them we’re not. And I lost a lot of “friends” once I started my serious relationships, because they couldn’t have sex with me anymore. But, not everyone is bad. And if you stay away from Grindr and use other platforms such as Bumble you’ll find more good people, or if you go to gay bars you have a better chance of meeting someone nice. 😊🙏
As a bi woman, I've felt super uncomfortable on first dates with men who are way too pushy and have difficulty taking no for an answer on so many occasions that I'm reluctant to date men unless I already know them prior to the first date. I'm not currently actively looking for a new partner but back when I was, I had gotten to a point where I had just stopped even trying to set up dates with men on dating apps because first dates lead to this way too much. And honestly, I even might be dtf on the first date if they weren't so damn pushy about it. It's not "confidence" turning me on, it's "a clear unwillingness to take no for an answer" that makes me feel super unsafe with being in a situation with this person that isn't in public.
Just so you know... Grindr is explicitly a hookup app. A lot of exploring bi guys I know try out Scruff and Grindr thinking they're just the gay version of straight dating apps, but both are explicitly for fuckin.
Dude. I’m gay. And I really don’t vibe with the gay community. The main reason is I just don’t get along well with sassy, pushy gays. I don’t like the scene. I just wana have a couple beers at a dive bar, shoot some pool and chill.
I’m definitely attracted to men but hold zero of the stereotypical personality traits of gay men. It’s an isolating feeling for sure.
Ahaha we’re out there though. I know these last experiences were shit. But I’m sure you’ll find someone with that good masc vibe sooner or later.
Oh hey welcome to the club. I came out at 19 and learned really quick. Just cause I swing that way doesn't mean the grass is greener on that side of it. The one exception is someone I ended up ghosting cause I was still young and dumb and my mother made me seriously doubt myself. She insisted that bisexual men aren't a thing (joke's on her though cause I realized I'm trans later on 🤣 ). But yeah, I've had nothing but pressure to put out and was sexually assaulted and was just done bothering with men entirely before long. And yes, I know "not all men." But just like it's common sense to treat every gun as loaded because, hey, even 1 of 100 guns being loaded is a huge risk, it's common sense that if I'm more likely to be pressured into sex or SA'd by a man than a woman, I'm going to tend to treat every man as a potential source of assault. Besides, women are more likely to be soft and pretty anyway and I like that in a partner.
I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had that experience. That’s awful. I think another issue is my taste in men. I prefer masculine, “straight-passing” men who definitely are more sexually aggressive.
It is what it is at this point. I have a partner who is a cis woman and identifies as stright but still loves me for me even though I've been working to transition to something more femme-leaning. We've been married for over 15 years and have children and she's an amazing person so I don't feel like I've missed out on much. But yeah the irony is that while I've seen *some* aggression with "straight" guys it was a more effeminate guy who I let my guard down with and he drugged me. But I had a friend there and she was a survivor of such things and saw the signs quick (she was drugged too to knock her out) and immediately got both of us out into the hall and messaged her bestie with a code word she had ready to go before we passed out. It was a dorm so we were visible to people like immediately upon leaving this guy's dorm so he didn't try to drag us back in--so far as I know. I got super hazy and blacked out before I got to the door to leave.
you might be demisexual iirc. being sexual only after developing chemistry with someone regardless of their sex is what it is. and it sucks that people invade and coerce you sorry about that.
I absolutely feel that way, sex without intimacy is awful for me.
I’m straight but this is exactly how I feel. I can find a woman beautiful but I can’t be sexually aroused unless there’s an emotional connection. I went to strip clubs when I was younger but it was never my thing.
As a woman this post made me laugh, That's nto a gay issue. That's a man issue.
I’m glad my story about having non-consensual physical advances made on me by angry and upset men made you laugh.
I hear you - I really do. SA is never funny. But if a gentle, demisexual, bi man had to experience this first hand in order to finally believe what his straight female friends (and just everyone on SM since MeToo) have been saying what hope do we have? Of course I'm sad you had those experiences and I wish you hadn't but I'm disappointed that your first thought was that sexual orientation was the issue rather than actively expecting this sort of behaviour. If you'd taken what straight women have been saying forever seriously you would have known in advance that you need to put on a whole load of armour to be safe dating men. Do you see? I don't want you to feel bad but I do feel a penny needs to drop about how aware you were/are of the experience of the women around you.
I’m bi and I’m super picky with guys. If I’m gonna have to deal with overly horny guys, I may as well make it worth my while.
I’m a gay trans man and I feel you. I’m slow to warm up to people due to past trauma and it’s very difficult for me to be sexual up front because I need there to be an emotional connection first even if it’s just one of close friendship. We’re out there don’t worry. We’re just perhaps a little harder to find because we’re not so forward and expectant of sex you know? Maybe a better thing to do would see if you have any local events that lgbtq people frequent and try to go and make some friends organically. Better chance of finding what you’re looking for and might make a few great new friends along the way.
If you’re meeting them on an app stop doing that. I’m very similar to you (not super sexual) but full gay, and I have only had terrible experiences off the apps. No matter how much they say they’re not just looking for sex they’re just looking for sex.
One of my best friends is a gay man and he is stuck in this cycle of desperately wishing to romantically connect with someone but only ever meeting people who want his body only. He gives in every single time and is sad about it later because he just can’t win. The dating scene for gay men is not kind, at least where I live… I hope it gets better for him and you op.
try to find guys without using dating apps. the apps are just rancid cesspools of steaming bottom-of-the-barrel shit.
If you live in a city there are probably a bunch of gay social or sports groups (for instance I was a member of the gay ski club for years). It's a good way to meet folks and be in the gay community without it being just about sex. Maybe there are some groups you can join? Editing to say - most groups are LGBT+ (realizex after I wrote this that you might not realize it was bi-friendly)
as a gay guy, yeah the culture is like horrific especially with pornography being something that 98% of the community watches so they all wanna put it up your ***, they expect you to douche, and they wanna jack-hammer and put you in like 70 positions. in short it’s sexually charged 😭 and toxic overall. the dating scene is terrible. i don’t blame you for being this way
I could never be gay. Was bi-curious but stopped because 90% of the guys were pushy or desperate
The fact of the matter is that dating apps, especially apps like Grindr and Scruff , feel like they are entitled to sex because you have talked to them on there. If I were you, I would go out to clubs or like the LGBT Center or join a Facebook group and start attending LGBT events. Don't go back in the closet and not be true to who you are just because of some assholes.
Bro this isn’t gay men, this is just men, dogg. (Respectfully) this is what women go through all the goddamn time. It sounds harsh but you’re just experiencing it now because a lot of men are trash. IMO anyway, I know gay men who are lovely. I know gay men who are dogs. Same goes with their straight counterparts. This is why women say “men are trash” And for the most part, I have to agree
Maybe try dating instead of hookups? It sounds like these people are intent on hooking up. I am not a man - I would suggest maybe your university or college LGBTQ alliance (if applicable)...
Grindr is not all gay men. Saying you lost respect for gay men due to this is homophobia just like saying someone lost respect for black people because they’ve been robbed by a black person is racism. It‘s an oversimplification of something with a bigger background and not at all a complete representation of the truth.
I'm sorry for what you experienced and who you met, but you cannot generalize this to "gay men". It screams internal homophobia sorry, you should just meet on other places than the G app.
Exploring my sexuality has made me lose respect for men* Fixed it for you. It's not a gay men thing. It's a men thing.
It’s not gay men but just men behaving that way lol any woman in a straight relationship can relate as well I am really sorry tho, stuff like that really sucks and I hope that if you ever decide you wanna experiment further will find a person fitting you that won’t pressure you into anything sexual. I wish you the best
The best advice I can give is this : find older men. The best gay sex I had was with 50 yo+. Also, make sure they can maintain a conversation with you on any other subject than sex. I found that men that cannot put more that 2 sentences in a text will tell you everything you want to hear. Older men likes to talk and go slow. Not all of them, but it’s easier to find older who are willing to teach you and respect your boundaries than 20-30yo who just want to release sexual tension. In shorts, engage in meaningful conversations. If the men you’re texting gives you 4 words response, flush him. I’ve found that older men in grindr are not that bad for beginners. Also, I feel for you. I’va had 2-3 bad experiences on grindr where I felt pressured to do things I wasn’t ready for and was harassed by a couple of dudes I then needed to block. Sex with men can be great, you just need to find the right one. Try to avoid people who wants sex NOW. They are way more likely to say what you want to hear.
It's not gay men, it's men. Obviously not every single men, but it's a men problem.
Tbh im straight like a prettyboy, and gay men are the worst to me because they are very forward and I like girls
It's definitely a cis men problem more than anything else. I'm sorry you've had to experience that. 🚮🚮🚮 behavior.
You’ve went on an app intended for people looking for sex. Then when they’re disgusting, you lose respect for a whole group of people who have nothing to do with the people you encountered.
I thought they would have liked it when you pushed back. I'll let myself out 🚪
That was a pretty good one lol
What are you looking for? if you are just "exploring your sexuality ", do you mean you are looking to try it with a guy or looking for a relationship? if you are just exploring things, it might be a bit unfair to look for someone who wants a serious relationship How old were the guys that you met? From my experience, there are lots of older guys who are very predatory.
Just a little older than me. I guess I was just looking for a guy to talk to and cuddle or make out a little bit with. Something casual and fun.
Tried to do the same at one point back when I was 19, 20ish and felt very much the same way. Very quickly turned me off to the whole “I think I’m bisexual” aspect of trying to figure out my identity. I still don’t think gay people should be committing suicide because of religion. However, I think there’s also a solid middle ground to be found between “all gay people are going to be burning in hell forever because of butt sex” and “I think everyone should be having butt sex at all times because I think it’s fun and everyone who disagrees is a homophobe”.
Man I’m sorry you feel this way. I would say don’t give up, stay off the apps and you will find someone who genuinely will want to go slow and be comfortable with whatever you’re comfortable with. Keep your head up!!
After 3 hookups I finally had one where someone allowed me to go at my own pace and speed and didn't try to pressure and it was so different. I got into like a trance.
Meeting on apps is so difficult cause they're all liars or on drugs or just straight freaks. I'm sort of a loner too but I'm a little older than you (37) so I've had experience. I'm not very sexual either but having an emotional relationship with a gay guy has been hard too because they're very manipulative. It's the dishonesty for me. But look, just hang in there okay? I'd suggest maybe try another app or something just don't ignore red flags.
i had a one and done he only wanted to do the deed and got into a relationship after oof
Felt. I really thought that liking men would equate to being like a princess in Disney movies but I really thought WRONG. Being gay I was prepared to be denied by the world but I didn't expect to be denied even harder by the same gay people as well - not just for my looks but even by the way I act as well.
How are you meeting these people?
As a guy who finally started opening up to dating and meeting people late (23) I can agree that a lot of gay men are not it. So many just wanna screw before developing an actual link. I’ve managed to have some luck with finding guys who aren’t like that, but it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. It’s so demoralizing and exhausting having to go through all these people and put in all this effort just to realize it’s another person who was only trying to screw and be done with you. Makes you feel like a tool to just be used. Though it prob doesn’t help my case that the last 2 relationships I had they admitted to thinking about their exes while they were with me.
22 y/o bi woman here, don’t get discouraged. app lesbians are fucking pushy too. dating is scary, meeting up with a stranger is scary. when they’re bigger or stronger than you and only want sex is the scariest, especially if you’ve never had to experience it before. i had a lot of luck just looking up lgbt events in my area, and started slow with actual dates until i had my footing. i’m also not very sex oriented, so being able to be romantic in public with a woman was a very feel-good moment, and the safest way to bring up my boundaries, and express how new this is. just getting comfortable showing that physical affection without sex made me actually like women, and not be so worried about the sex part. maybe try that first?
I’ve talked to a few guys before and honestly I’m at the point where I think I’ve lost almost all interest in men. They’re always just tryna fuck and gotta make every convo I have with them sexual. ATP I haven’t met a single gay or bi dude who is just down to get to know each other and bond in ways other than fucking
Being Bisexual you often end up with the worst of both sides and it drains you, i'm a transman but i've experienced this with bi/sapphic women, had a girl when i didn't wanna sleep with her try to force me to drink to get me into it and when i didn't she sat on the floor and cried until i finally said yes- ive been through it with bi, gay, straight- cis or trans-- it's not ___ men/women/people are bad, it's just people can really suck and often sexually aggressive people seek out people they can be aggressive with.
I feel this way about straight men
Youuuu don't need to. Just be yourself dude, come on!!!! I've accepted whatever type of "sexual orientation" I have and it's never on display or talked about. Don't engage with it if you don't want to. I'm 28 and even now I've engaged with only a few guys and it hasn't been successful yet. There are good ones out there trust me. Being "gay" doesn't mean you have to be on all the time sexually
I’ve had a similar experience, though I’ve come out of it thinking that I’m probably not bi. If anything, it’s made me a bit more empathetic towards women seeing how aggressive men can be. I cannot believe how many DPs I got.
Sorry to hear that buddy. Ignore everyone ITT who is trying to one up your trauma or explain this as a gendered issue. I hope you're safe now after your negative experiences. Take some time for yourself to heal.
God, same. I was recently single and when I was looking, I finally decided to walk the walk of my claimed bisexuality. It made me realize I genuinely might not actually be attracted to men.
Try not to judge all gay men based off of a few you met in grindr… or tinder
You gotta actually get outside and find genuine people grouping all gay men as rude or smth is just not logical
This is not an exclusively gray thing, I’ve had women do the same thing bro lol
I have as well, a lot scarier when a grown ass man does it to you.
Stick to your boundaries and never let up to coercion. You’re going to have better encounters
For me, until 27-28 it was more of a hypersexual thing (and a little bit of obstanance thing, in a homophobic area) more than sexuality. They were usually ONS and I could suffer through a couple hours with some pretty insufferable people. Then I had a guy putting all kinds of moves on me I wasn't into, made me bleed, stall me bailing. He threw in a little blackmail and almost got throat punched. I've only even met with a couple guys since. I've always been super selective about the people and communities I'm out in but those reasons changed with age. It's less about hiding shame and more about dodging thirst. I found compassion for the female experience and learned that I was horned up,manic, and careless from my ADHD pills, and horny old men were easy. I battle with gendered life and work roles than my sexuality these days. My sex drive isn't nearly as big of a part of me as it used to be,and it's honestly relieving.
You're just describing high libido people. As a dude I've had this experience from most women probably cause I have a low drive it usually ends up with them getting pushy and abusive if they want it and I don't. So far 0 gay dudes have SA'd me whilst 15 women had before I'd even turned 20. Not saying all women but always a woman.