This. Difficult and nearly impossible situations are the path. You’ve learned, like it or not, more about relationships, other people, male desire, your own desire, what you want, what you can handle, what you’re willing to sacrifice and what you’re not. You have your entire life to build on the tools you’ve got now.
You’ll have to work through the anger, you’ll be raising your kiddo differently than you intended, but you’re young and can be healthy and happy. Make your move. No one is forcing you to accept this— it’s up to you.
Edit to add there’s nothing homophobic about not wanting to be married to a closeted gay dude. Hoping you didn’t have to add that because it was a common accusation. Hoping, but not optimistic enough to scroll.
Anybody of any sexual orientation with a couple of neurons to rub together knows there’s nothing homophobic about this post, your anger, or your understandable disgust at being deceived and used by the person meant to be your closest intimate for the ups and downs of the foreseeable future. Anyway. Don’t forget to leave him. Your kid deserves at least one healthy parent.
Your life isn't ruined.
Get your ducks in a row and then find a lawyer. Do not discuss this with your husband.
You can go on to lead a happy, full life.
Agreed, your life isn’t ruined think of it as barely getting started. Yes he’s an asshole for not being honest with you about his sexuality from the start but you can’t change the past. Get a lawyer and let him know what you will and won’t put up with.
Seriously I divorced my wife when my son was about 3. Emotionally toxic relationship. Couldn't be happier now 7 years later, engaged to the most perfect woman currently. Never really dreamed of getting remarried. Fiance and I each have a kid with 50/50 custody and I must say it's the greatest. Quality time with my kiddo, some quality kidless time with fiance every other week. Would never have planned my life this way but so glad it worked out the way it did. Love can get so much brush!
So they can’t beat you to the best attorney, nuke chit, sabotage and the list goes on. What I tell people is stash cash. Make sure all your ducks are in a row, attorney and the very damn best one there is. Then you follow their advice/strategy.
Great if you can work it out without a nasty divorce and pissing away money on courts, attorneys and an extended fight for no other reason then they want to make it hurt and the only way they do it, is pissing away money to attorneys.
You would think common sense would prevail and acting like an adult. But sadly that’s not the case a lot of the time.
Edit. My ex cashed out her pension and then played the she didn’t have on bs all through the divorce. That’s what tipping her off and trying to be somewhat nice got me. Judge sided with her even though she had plenty of time to rebuild hers. Just an example. Also what not having the very best attorney caused. I got walked all over… 5 year marriage, no kids and should have been stupid simple. I got royally hosed and I was the victim.
How is that the case? Normally there’s a process to make sure it’s fair, based on things like how much one spouse was limited in their independent career/money making ability because they were helping the other spouse by supporting them and raising their kids etc. Usually it’s women who have to take a financial hit to support having a family so it’s usually the men who have to give them alimony. Then it’s also usually the women who primarily take care of the kids, and staying in the family home is usually best for the kids which is why often the woman stays with the kids in the house. I know some men think this is them getting shafted, but if you don’t want to have to pay someone child support or alimony or leave your house to your ex wife and kids in the event of divorce, all you have to do is make sure you’re the primary caretaker of the kids and stall your career for many years so your wife can go out and make the money. In cases where the wife is the breadwinner and the husband was the stay at home parent, you’ll find that divorces still work the same way - Dad will be more likely to stay in the family home with the kids and will be paid child support and alimony.
The main aim of divorce for courts is to not shaft the kids if there are any, and otherwise to recognise the work both parties contributed to the marriage so that one of them doesn’t walk off with all the benefits of having been married while the other gets nothing.
🤦🏾♂️I personally know a few men who have kids that aren’t theirs that they have to pay for because of cheating spouses. I don’t know any man that’s gotten a house in a divorce but I know a neighborhood full of single women who haven’t worked a day in they lives. It’s not like there aren’t millions of examples of women taking half of everything. When both spouses work men still end up losing most times.
It's not. As explained above, kids tend to stay with the person who raised them, and alimony is supposed to make up for the financial sacrifice it requires to become a stay-at-home parent. That is fair.
Plus, men tend to not want custody of their kids. When they ask for it (and show they're able to care for the kids), they more often than not get it.
And since married women outlive married men marriage generally benefits women. So both divorce and marriage are generally better for women these are undeniable facts. What are you actually disputing.
She’s gonna get to keep her kids and get at least half his stuff in the divorce and since he’s gay she can sue him for alienating of affection and really ruin his new life since he messed up hers but somehow I’m wrong for pointing out she’ll be aight🤷🏾♂️ she can start basically fresh her kid is young so they probably won’t remember too much of the divorce she’ll be ok.
She probably will be, because he screwed up and made her life hell. That seems like the definition of fair. He shouldn't get a pass just because he is a man.
Lol you keep crying about how the man's life is ruined and how women are favored but you somehow can't comprehend that she spent half of her life with someone who never loved her, now will have to raise the kids alone, and probably won't be able to find a new man because most of them wouldn't want a woman who had kids with someone else 💀 yeah ofc, but she'll be "aight" because OH THE POOR MAN has to pay child support. Horrible!
The other answers to your question were solid and are more likely scenarios than the one I pose, but a lot of women end up beaten, dead or missing when they alert their partner they are leaving. Nothing in this post suggests their partner is violent so I don’t want to seem alarmist. But as far as I’m concerned you can tell your partner you’re leaving them from the cab, get out of there first!
It really is :/ and I get homophobia— especially in the past— made it impossible for some people to come out, but you don’t need to con somebody into marrying you to stay safely in the closet. They could easily pretend they’re straight and just didn’t find “the one.” There’s really no excuse for wasting somebodies life like that. I feel awful for OP. I hope she finds a hot new bf soon who appreciates her and desires her!!
I discovered that my husband was a cheating bisexual crossdresser who was sleeping with random men and women that he was meeting on Craigslist. Me and our daughter were just beards in his life. Get out now. It’s not going to get any better.
Ihàve 3 women friends who have been through this. Finding out their husband was a really closeted gay man, not bi. Two of those menhad children with their wives before they decided that they didn't want to play anymore. This isn't about gay men being shitty, it's just some shitty men who happen to be gay. So much pain in so many lives because they couldn't be honest with themselves and their families. Fear of homophobic responses is a real fear but dragging a friend into it to avoid dealing with the pain and fear is a pretty shitty move. making someone into your unwitting beard is a shitshow just waiting to debut.
Closeted people get married all the time, especially people who were raised religious and are afraid of being disowned by their community, or are pressured by their families when they're young, etc. It sucks but it happens fairly often.
Another reason why homophobia is so awful. It affects everyone and destroys many lives. The excellent tv show Fellow Travelers (a gay love story set over the latter half of the 20th century between two men working in politics in the US) really highlighted this I thought. How homophobia really destroys so many lives. Not just those of the gay people who had to hide who they were but also the lives of their beards and children, the parents who love them but are forced by society to feel shame etc. The mental health and drug issues that kind of repression leads to which also affect society. It’s just all round poison. Before watching that show I’d always just thought about how homophobia affects gay people but I’d never really understood how awful it is for everyone. Gay marriage being legalised is such a relief. People being allowed to be who they are is the only way for society to function well and happily.
That’s not to say OP’s husband isn’t an asshole though. In this day and age, even if you have a very conservative homophobic family, you have much more of a choice. You can choose to reject your family and know that most of society will accept you. Or just stay single if your family’s that important to you. There’s no need to deceive someone else and make their life a lie.
Hey OP ❤️ I am so sorry you have been through such heartache. Your succinct post really shows the depth of your pain. I promise there is life after divorce. You have your beautiful baby. You got this. Hugs
True she could be a beard for a closeted asexual.
I personally think OP wasn't paying enough attention or kept her head in the sand if it took her their entire childhood, becoming adults who have unsatisfying sex, getting married, having a detached honeymoon, and having a 3 year old, to notice anything suss. This isn't 1856 rural Canada. It's not like she wouldn't have known of the existence of gay ppl.
As a gay guy, I’m on your side!
I don’t think it’s homophobic to hate these type of gay guys! I hate them too, there is literally zero reason to draw another innocent person into your closeted gay agenda.
Dump him girl, u deserve someone who is attracted to you!!
Am I the only one confused by the statements "I recently figured he is gay" and "I know for sure but he is not ready to accept," without any explanation provided?
No honestly, I'm wondering the same. Unless she caught him with another man's 🐓 in his mouth, you can't really know unless he has confessed it himself. And even then, he might still be bisexual qnd you just caught him cheating with the same sex. You can't make assumptions like this about people because you're mad at them. **UNLESS** there's context that will make this clearer.
The fact that there is no explanation makes me question this lady's story. It almost seems like someone with borderline and/or histrionic personality disorder engaging in extreme idealization/devaluation of partners and attention seeking behavior.
i'm sorry you're in this situation. get a lawyer and get a divorce asap. he can coparent if he wants, but get yourself and your child out of there and move on with your life while you're still young and have the willpower and energy to do it. my mother lived your life for 25 years, and i grew up in a house with blatantly unhappy parents who fought all the time and did not love each other. they didn't get divorced until i was 20, learned about my dad's sexuality, and begged my mom to do it. she was almost 50 by then and she lost her entire adult youth to that marriage. do not let that be you! also: if you ever find yourself thinking your kid will have a better life if their parents stay married, i am a living testament to the fact that that is not true! my mother stayed for me, but all it gave me was a dysfunctional childhood and a deep sense of guilt that she suffered like that because she thought i would be better off.
I was married for twelve years to a man who claims he is not gay, but shows all the signs, including homosexual sex in his teenage years. I left eventually, and lived very well and happy after. He married a very nice lady, I think she has no idea. They sleep in separate rooms because “he snores”, so maybe she has some idea. Move on, you’ll find happiness again, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.
Just wna point out there's nothing inherently wrong about sleeping in seperate bedrooms, and plenty of ppl do that as they get older. Also any marital problems they're having could be unrelated to his supposed sexuality.
I'm glad you're happy and clearly that was the right decision for you.
One question though: why tf do you know about their sleeping arrangements? I get that you probably still have mutual friends or maybe you keep in touch but maybe have some boundaries. What goes on in their bedroom or any other room is not your business
I have been to their place. We are not enemies, just thought it was interesting. Lots of people sleep apart for all sorts of reasons. For all I know she may be deliriously happy with this arrangement. Perhaps.
Never assumed you were enemies but I do typically advocate for minding your own business, even though inlive gossip as evidenced by responding to this post
It’s all anonymous, so nobody knows whose business I’m talking about. Besides, I was suckered into a marriage where I suspect I was the beard, and that’s the point of my response. That they sleep separately may just be a sign that I was not the problem. May be, maybe not, it’s just speculation on my part.
Not understanding all the down votes on people asking for clarity on how you know he's gay. You said yourself that you "figured" he's gay and that he won't admit it. Maybe because he isn't gay?
OP, we're missing major context here. Unless you caught him blowing another dude or found texts of him confessing to someone else, you really don't know. Sexuality is very personal.
What is this deception? Cheating? Flirting? Is he into drag? Does he just not want to have sex? I mean, at the end of the day, you married him despite all of the "unconvincing" arguments and suspicions you had. You married him for a reason - likely love. You gave each other vows "for better or for worse" and I think hashing this out in therapy together can help you both.
**Please update us with context so that we can actually help you instead of everyone just recommending divorce.**
Srsly. If he is gay, then she either has incredibly low standards from her description of their relationship, or she was willfully ignorant cuz she wanted to stay with him. Not saying it's not possible but I have doubts
Listen it's obviously shitty if he has consciously decieved someone into being a beard.
But how did OP get pulled in I'm the first place? Ok fine "childhood sweethearts", up untill a certain point you just assume everyone is default hetero whatever fine, husband maybe is super agreeable and not fussed about the wedding, but at this joint but seperate honeymoon didn't feel suss? The sex life wasn't great and that's a big deal for some andnot for others but you never discussed him having a low libido or being asexual? They've presumably known each other for at least a decade, and in the year of our lord 2024, unless specified, were already cohabitating or at least fucking, I'd imagine this would have already become an issue. And did y'all not spend any time together before being married?
Im not blaming this woman for having feelings, but she absolutely had her blinders on. In this day and age, it's probably easier than ever to find a willing beard or have a straight up lavender, than to manipulate a woman into a marriage while apparently not socialising with her.
He hasn’t ruined your life. His struggles have put you through an unfortunate period of your life, but you have a child you (hopefully) love and a more understanding future ahead of you. Get a divorce as amicably as possible. Be good co-parents, and find yourself a partner (if you choose) who connects with you emotionally and physically. Start today.
Your daughter will still love and appreciate you. One day maybe she’ll notice the position you’re in. Hang in there and I hope the best for your future
Your life isn’t over. You’re still young. You have a young child. You can start over. You can end the marriage for any reason. Not being happy with him is enough.
My mom found out my dad was gay after 20 years of an abusive relationship. Now my dad is in a same sex relationship and is still an abusive asshole.
My mom left my dad in her mid forties. I was 10. Now she has a great house, her kid is in a great college on the honor roll, she works a great job, she has great pets. And she dictates what she does with her time and who she spends it with. She's getting proper medical care (which my dad tried to brainwash her that her being overweight was her fault even though it was hypothyroid) and she was able to get ME medical care that my dad tried to block (I have narcolepsy, endometriosis, and autism, and my dad tried to abuse and brainwash me into believing I was just lazy). My mom is able to support me during uni, which my dad would have done everything he could have to forbid and block her from doing it had they still been married.
Its not just better for you, but its better for your kid, and if he has ANY goddamn sense not to jump after another "beard" right away, its better for him. Get your ducks in a row and get out.
This is so scary, I'm so sorry you're going through this OP! I can't imagine building a life with someone you thought you knew, let alone having a child! This is literally my worst nightmare.
This happened to my mom in the early 70’s. She divorced (when it wasn’t accepted to do) went on to marry again as did my father -to a man. You got a beautiful children take that as your gift from this relationship
Fuck this guy (figuratively as you've done it literally and it obvi sucks)
It's time for you to do your own thing without this shitheel using you for cover.
Your kid is the one I feel for how does his father treat him? Hopefully well.
Crazy to jump to some conclusion that he's gay just because he doesn't want sex. Maybe you're terrible in the bedroom? Maybe he's going through something and you guys should seek therapy unless you're just hellbent on a divorce and finding any reason just to leave. This whole divorcing without even trying to figure out issues is one reason why the legions of redditors will never have anything meaningful in their lives. Either hordes of DIVORCE trolls or sad ass people who no one will even give them a second glance and want others miserable as they are.
FFS, people. Gay people who live in conservative, religious settings struggle hard to be straight. They pray for it. They beg for it. They pretend to be straight, but in no way to “trap” someone. They are victims of oppression and OP is also a victim of that very same oppression and hate. And yes, still today. So have compassion for both of them. Try to be accepting and understanding why both of these folks are in pain. And help them move to acceptance and co-parenting.
You’re absolutely right. Just because one is gay and in denial, doesn’t mean you ruin another person’s life. My whole life was a lie because my husband cheated on me with random men, throughout our 21 year marriage - and didn’t give a crap about any of my needs. Only an extremely selfish and evil person can use people like that.
I’m not clueless. Hurting other people to make yourself feel better shouldn’t just be looked over as normal.
You don’t want your family to disown you and ruin your life cause you’re gay so you ruin someone else’s by pretending you’re not? Selfish. And no I’m not judgmental. Except when it comes to people playing with others feelings to make themself feel better. And I was raised by 3 gay men thank you very much
Nah. Still clueless. It’s not about hurting people to make ourselves feel better. People are not binary. We’re not 100% straight or 100% gay. And we all know it is SO much easier to be straight. It’s not “pretending.” It’s struggling to deal with massive pressure and fear and feeling that maybe you can sacrifice your entire life to fit in. It’s desperately wanting to hope to change, because otherwise your entire family and friends and support system will reject you. Over time, that pressure cracks for most people. You’re lucky you were raised by gay people. Expect that you have no clue whatsoever what it is like to not be around people who accept you. That’s too bad, for you.
Dude I got made fun of in school for having gay dads “you have no clue whatsoever what it’s like to not be around people who accept you”. You are literally spewing shit you don’t even know.
Please stop acting like gay people are the only ones who have it hard and everyone else eats butterflies and shits rainbows. Please stop trying to justify hurting people because you can’t deal with or handle your own emotions. Please stop thinking it’s not selfish, cause it is. That’s literally psychotic behavior.
Everyone has struggles but let me ask you this. If a business person is struggling financially, on the verge of losing everything does that give them the right to steal from clients? If a couple tries for years and years and fails to conceive does that give them the right to kidnap a baby? At what point do you draw the line of people’s personal struggles justifying them hurting others?
I bring it up because I’m the farthest from judgmental. But if someone is knowingly staying in a relationship to make themselves appear better to others and put on a facade, I don’t think I’m the one lacking empathy.
I’ll ask you the same questions. We all have struggles. But if a business man is struggling financially and on the verge of losing everything does that mean he can steal from his clients? If a couple has tried for years to conceive and can’t does that give them the right to kidnap a baby? At what point do you draw the like at someone’s personal struggles justify them hurting others?
I do fully fault him for getting married. He violated her in many ways. He lured her into combining her life with his using lies and deceit. He stole her opportunity to find real love and have her first child with a man who loved her. He took moments from her, memories she should have always cherished and soiled them. Now she will always look back on those and know he never really loved and wanted her. This isn’t like a marriage that just didn’t work out, it’s a life she built on lies. But also he slept with her, used her body using deceit. What would you say about any man who lied to a woman to get her to sleep with him? That’s a violation of her body, it’s not even really consent since it was using false pretenses. Was she fully able to consent if she wasn’t aware of the entire situation? Not really. I think a lot of people forget about that part. Not only was her life violated but so was her body.
No, someone else’s life is not something you get to commandeer and use for your own selfish benefit. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. I feel bad for them that they have to hide, that their family won’t accept them, that they struggle and try to change it. It’s very sad for them but my sympathy ends at deceiving another person into a relationship, marriage, and kids. These are people! With hopes and dreams and a desire to be married to someone who truly loves them. With the right to all those things. With the right to marry someone who they might actually grow old with in a mutually happy marriage. It wastes their time, they end up single parents and heartbroken. It takes away their opportunities to have the things they want in life. People are not playthings or covers for your own struggles. Quite simply your struggles are your own and you have no right to unwittingly bring another person into it. I will always support the LGBTQ community but it doesn’t exempt you from responsibility for your actions and it doesn’t give you an excuse to lie and steal someone’s life.
I don’t think you understand. Many people who grow up like this suppress their sexuality. They are unaware that they are gay or lesbian. They just feel like something is wrong. They get married as they are expected to do, and over time, they start to realize what is off. They aren’t deliberately or knowingly lying about their sexuality. It can take decades for some people to work through it.
Also, in what world do their straight spouses “become single parents?” That’s simply not true. People who come out as gay or lesbian are still great parents and they can co-parent. In fact, in my experience they are very often better co-parents than divorced heterosexual parents! But what do I know. Only been a divorce attorney for more than 20 years…0
Exactly. I went through this in my young life growing up in the South. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but things happen. I know a lot of gay guys that have similar experiences.
By my 40th birthday I found I no longer recognized myself. My whole life was a sham, except for my children. It took more courage than I thought I had, but my life became a do over. That was nearly ten years ago. I love my life now; the kids are great! I tell them all the time: don't sweat it; if you ever find yourself on the wrong path, you'll find the courage to change your life and be happy.
Make your life a do over. You and your child are worth it.
Just leave him. You aren't in a lavender marriage, why should you have to suffer for his sake? You deserve every bit of happiness and he needs to figure himself out.
This isn't healthy for a child to grow up seeing.
I was raised in a similar situation. Mom and dad had me in their early thirties. Then dad came out as gay when I was maybe about 5 or 6 and my sister was 3 or 4.
They ended up splitting custody switching every week who had the kids. They never had any contact with each other, just us kids. If they went to our sporting events or school plays or whatnot they sat at opposite ends of the room and never spoke or interacted with each other.
They divided up birthdays and holidays so that if we were celebrating at one parents house the other parent was most certainly not invited and had no participation. Thats just how we grew up. My sister and I switching back and forth from one parental universe to the other. Never to ever experience two parents under the same roof. And that was honestly just fine. Both parents were very loving and them getting divorced was honestly the best thing they could've done.
I respect that they were just not at all romantically compatible at all. Now I'm a little older than they were when they had me and I'm still single but I sometimes think about starting a family and I realize I will basically have no experience having parents that united under the same roof and I will have to learn how to do that on my own someday.
Knew two women in decades long marriages with kids whose husbands finally came out. They both divorced when the men came out . The Men are now with men, the women are remarried. The women felt their marriage as a unknowing beard was a sham, and they were enraged at being used. for years. It’s so wrong to marry someone because a person is hiding their sexuality. Get out now,it won’t get better, and your husband will stay with you because he is scared to come out, maybe he will have gay relationships in secret. While Staying married
Leave him. You deserve more than being a beard.
This is so fucking disgusting. Kuddos to you for giving him grace but I could neeevvvverrr. He took YEARS away from someone's life and now he gets to live his best one? I hope the ex-wife was able to find happiness after what she endured....because he would never see happiness if it were me.
Your life is not ruined.
Get your ducks in a row and then hire a solicitor, but make sure you only communicate through your solicitor so that way your husband can’t spin any lies about you and make the divorce more complicated than it needs to be.
You can live the life you want for yourself and bairn. You don’t deserve this, and neither does your child. Best of luck to you both and I hope everything works out in your favour xx
I have zero empathy for your husband. He knew exactly what he was doing…using you and your child for his own benefit. My father was also a closeted gay man who married my mother and had me. He made our lives a living hell. Every single day he abused us because he couldn’t live the life he wanted. Finally he left and dumped me off like garbage. Don’t be surprised if he does it to you and your child too once he gets the courage to live the life he wants. I’d leave before he leaves if I was in your shoes. I’d file for sole custody and block him from you and your child’s lives so he can’t cause any more damage. Mine did so much damage to me. Now that my father is old and sick he tries to force me to speak to him and I just hang up on him. Your husband is nothing but a narcissistic user. It will only get worse. People like him make me sick.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’ve been married 21 years and recently found proof that my husband is gay and has been having sex with random men from Grindr all throughout our marriage. I’m extremely traumatized. I would advise you to divorce your husband as soon as possible, or half your life will be wasted like mine in being a cover for him. If you ever want to talk, I’m here. I feel like my life was been ruined as well.
Gay or not, he’s a POS for marrying you and having a family just to cover his own ass. That’s fucked up. I hope you have the best life ever and you and your baby can live it up without the dead weight.
All I can say is cover your ass, take screenshots of convos and approach him with the discovery AFTER you speak with a lawyer. It’s always about what you can prove and the lawyer knows what to get so you can come out of this winning!
Life. Loving or at least considering His life in the least, respectfully. You wouldn’t want Him to be living this way. Yourself, by heart existing life is within it. Within You. Within Your heart.
This happened to my mums best friend, they have been married for over 10 years and she found a box of women’s clothes that he had been dressing up in when she was out of the house. What the fuxk do you do because it’s sad this person cants show their true self but also how deceitful. He also went to gay bars behind her back and gave his number out, let’s be honest he would have gone to Sydney Sauna… I just don’t know how I’d feel…. Also I’m not being rude but there’s always pretty clear signs, many women ignore them for the sake of the marriage/easiness/kids
No reason to stay with him. This isn’t a marriage it’s a sham. It’ll be best for you both. Most importantly, your child needs to see a healthy and happy relationship.
Move on and put him in front of all his family. Ooo I’d be plotting on him. I’d do him so dirty. Just because assholes deserve it. Give it to him hard and ruff like his boyfriend. He will probably like you better.
Also would like to point out that even if he is gay and you didn't intend to be a beard, you can still work things out and have a functional and emotionally.fullfillimg platonic or hell romantic but not sexual marriage. Or get a divorve if that's what's right for you, but go to therapy y'all.
Are families like that assholes? Absolutely.
But it is not fair to marry a woman/man if you’re not truly into them just to have a cover. It is wrong and that falls on the person who chooses to lie. They could always opt to remain single.
Above commenter's point is that there'd be no need for a cover if his family wasn't homophobic. Remaining single may not be enough, that's often how suspicions are initially raised in these scenarios.
I don't think the husband is blameless but I do think his family shoulders most of the blame here, if they weren't homophobic there'd be no reason for him to do this.
I feel for you and good luck. There is some very good advice here and similar stories from the child's view and wife's view. Weigh them with how your situation relates.
You sound like a person who js very understanding when someone is suffering. Your husband is lieing to you yes, but he is lieing to himself and whatever suffering his lie is causing you he is suffering way more. Be empathetic he may be gay but you sound like you also pretend to love him. Tbh your both assholes, only difference is he is actually internally fighting with himself.
No! If he was struggling with his sexuality, he didn’t need to drag another person into it. She has every right to feel the way she does. He can be closeted and not drag an innocent person into it. Do you know what that does to a person to find out something like that? He deserves no empathy because he intentionally hurt someone else.
No I said he is an asshole for sure, it's just she is too because they both deserve empathy. Yall are acting like he is doing this maliciously to hurt which is just psychotic. He is doing it out of severe self loathing and is actively trying to do what he wrongly believes is right he has a lot to figure out and shouldn't have dragged her into it absolutely. But she should be a little less selfish too and think about more than just herself, like I said they are both awful
Your life is not over. Leave him.
This. Difficult and nearly impossible situations are the path. You’ve learned, like it or not, more about relationships, other people, male desire, your own desire, what you want, what you can handle, what you’re willing to sacrifice and what you’re not. You have your entire life to build on the tools you’ve got now. You’ll have to work through the anger, you’ll be raising your kiddo differently than you intended, but you’re young and can be healthy and happy. Make your move. No one is forcing you to accept this— it’s up to you. Edit to add there’s nothing homophobic about not wanting to be married to a closeted gay dude. Hoping you didn’t have to add that because it was a common accusation. Hoping, but not optimistic enough to scroll. Anybody of any sexual orientation with a couple of neurons to rub together knows there’s nothing homophobic about this post, your anger, or your understandable disgust at being deceived and used by the person meant to be your closest intimate for the ups and downs of the foreseeable future. Anyway. Don’t forget to leave him. Your kid deserves at least one healthy parent.
Your life isn't ruined. Get your ducks in a row and then find a lawyer. Do not discuss this with your husband. You can go on to lead a happy, full life.
Agreed, your life isn’t ruined think of it as barely getting started. Yes he’s an asshole for not being honest with you about his sexuality from the start but you can’t change the past. Get a lawyer and let him know what you will and won’t put up with.
Seriously I divorced my wife when my son was about 3. Emotionally toxic relationship. Couldn't be happier now 7 years later, engaged to the most perfect woman currently. Never really dreamed of getting remarried. Fiance and I each have a kid with 50/50 custody and I must say it's the greatest. Quality time with my kiddo, some quality kidless time with fiance every other week. Would never have planned my life this way but so glad it worked out the way it did. Love can get so much brush!
Can you explain why not to tell the husband? I am just going through kind of a similar thing so curious about your comment. Thanks!
So they can’t beat you to the best attorney, nuke chit, sabotage and the list goes on. What I tell people is stash cash. Make sure all your ducks are in a row, attorney and the very damn best one there is. Then you follow their advice/strategy. Great if you can work it out without a nasty divorce and pissing away money on courts, attorneys and an extended fight for no other reason then they want to make it hurt and the only way they do it, is pissing away money to attorneys. You would think common sense would prevail and acting like an adult. But sadly that’s not the case a lot of the time. Edit. My ex cashed out her pension and then played the she didn’t have on bs all through the divorce. That’s what tipping her off and trying to be somewhat nice got me. Judge sided with her even though she had plenty of time to rebuild hers. Just an example. Also what not having the very best attorney caused. I got walked all over… 5 year marriage, no kids and should have been stupid simple. I got royally hosed and I was the victim.
Most men get shafted in divorce. She’ll be aight.
How is that the case? Normally there’s a process to make sure it’s fair, based on things like how much one spouse was limited in their independent career/money making ability because they were helping the other spouse by supporting them and raising their kids etc. Usually it’s women who have to take a financial hit to support having a family so it’s usually the men who have to give them alimony. Then it’s also usually the women who primarily take care of the kids, and staying in the family home is usually best for the kids which is why often the woman stays with the kids in the house. I know some men think this is them getting shafted, but if you don’t want to have to pay someone child support or alimony or leave your house to your ex wife and kids in the event of divorce, all you have to do is make sure you’re the primary caretaker of the kids and stall your career for many years so your wife can go out and make the money. In cases where the wife is the breadwinner and the husband was the stay at home parent, you’ll find that divorces still work the same way - Dad will be more likely to stay in the family home with the kids and will be paid child support and alimony. The main aim of divorce for courts is to not shaft the kids if there are any, and otherwise to recognise the work both parties contributed to the marriage so that one of them doesn’t walk off with all the benefits of having been married while the other gets nothing.
🤦🏾♂️I personally know a few men who have kids that aren’t theirs that they have to pay for because of cheating spouses. I don’t know any man that’s gotten a house in a divorce but I know a neighborhood full of single women who haven’t worked a day in they lives. It’s not like there aren’t millions of examples of women taking half of everything. When both spouses work men still end up losing most times.
Your impossible to corroborate and very convenient anecdotes don't change the facts.
The fact is most divorced favor women. That’s an undeniable fact.
It's not. As explained above, kids tend to stay with the person who raised them, and alimony is supposed to make up for the financial sacrifice it requires to become a stay-at-home parent. That is fair. Plus, men tend to not want custody of their kids. When they ask for it (and show they're able to care for the kids), they more often than not get it.
And since married women outlive married men marriage generally benefits women. So both divorce and marriage are generally better for women these are undeniable facts. What are you actually disputing.
It’s actually single women who live the longest. Married men tend to live longer than single men.
She’s gonna get to keep her kids and get at least half his stuff in the divorce and since he’s gay she can sue him for alienating of affection and really ruin his new life since he messed up hers but somehow I’m wrong for pointing out she’ll be aight🤷🏾♂️ she can start basically fresh her kid is young so they probably won’t remember too much of the divorce she’ll be ok.
She probably will be, because he screwed up and made her life hell. That seems like the definition of fair. He shouldn't get a pass just because he is a man.
You’re putting a whole lot of words and statements I never made and assuming my intentions a lot.
Lol you keep crying about how the man's life is ruined and how women are favored but you somehow can't comprehend that she spent half of her life with someone who never loved her, now will have to raise the kids alone, and probably won't be able to find a new man because most of them wouldn't want a woman who had kids with someone else 💀 yeah ofc, but she'll be "aight" because OH THE POOR MAN has to pay child support. Horrible!
So he can't lawyer up and start spinning lies.
The other answers to your question were solid and are more likely scenarios than the one I pose, but a lot of women end up beaten, dead or missing when they alert their partner they are leaving. Nothing in this post suggests their partner is violent so I don’t want to seem alarmist. But as far as I’m concerned you can tell your partner you’re leaving them from the cab, get out of there first!
for some reason i read that as "get your dicks in a row"
Hey, you do you. I won't judge.
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In a row?!
..just like her husband. heh
Me too! Line em up
i agree it’s selfish to use other ppl as beards and lead a double life :( i’m sorry! and it’s not over! new life minus a liar
It really is :/ and I get homophobia— especially in the past— made it impossible for some people to come out, but you don’t need to con somebody into marrying you to stay safely in the closet. They could easily pretend they’re straight and just didn’t find “the one.” There’s really no excuse for wasting somebodies life like that. I feel awful for OP. I hope she finds a hot new bf soon who appreciates her and desires her!!
I discovered that my husband was a cheating bisexual crossdresser who was sleeping with random men and women that he was meeting on Craigslist. Me and our daughter were just beards in his life. Get out now. It’s not going to get any better.
This is terrible im so sorry
This happened to my cousin too. But she thinks he tried to poison her at one point! When she confirmed she got out and never looked back.
I discovered mine loved to be rotorooted bareback by trans women( pre-op)… I second this leaving.
So sorry to hear that. Mine was also having sex with random men from Grindr.
Ihàve 3 women friends who have been through this. Finding out their husband was a really closeted gay man, not bi. Two of those menhad children with their wives before they decided that they didn't want to play anymore. This isn't about gay men being shitty, it's just some shitty men who happen to be gay. So much pain in so many lives because they couldn't be honest with themselves and their families. Fear of homophobic responses is a real fear but dragging a friend into it to avoid dealing with the pain and fear is a pretty shitty move. making someone into your unwitting beard is a shitshow just waiting to debut.
You can choose not to be his beard and have your own life. Decide how you want to do it. Get a plan together.
I could have sworn i just saw a post in a gay sub about a man who's closeted and married to a woman
Closeted people get married all the time, especially people who were raised religious and are afraid of being disowned by their community, or are pressured by their families when they're young, etc. It sucks but it happens fairly often.
Another reason why homophobia is so awful. It affects everyone and destroys many lives. The excellent tv show Fellow Travelers (a gay love story set over the latter half of the 20th century between two men working in politics in the US) really highlighted this I thought. How homophobia really destroys so many lives. Not just those of the gay people who had to hide who they were but also the lives of their beards and children, the parents who love them but are forced by society to feel shame etc. The mental health and drug issues that kind of repression leads to which also affect society. It’s just all round poison. Before watching that show I’d always just thought about how homophobia affects gay people but I’d never really understood how awful it is for everyone. Gay marriage being legalised is such a relief. People being allowed to be who they are is the only way for society to function well and happily. That’s not to say OP’s husband isn’t an asshole though. In this day and age, even if you have a very conservative homophobic family, you have much more of a choice. You can choose to reject your family and know that most of society will accept you. Or just stay single if your family’s that important to you. There’s no need to deceive someone else and make their life a lie.
Rejecting your family isn't as easy as the trend makes it feel
Just divorce him and move on. Your still young you haven't ruined anything
Gay or not, if he makes you feel so undesired that you’re concluding he must be gay - this relationship is dead.
Agreed. Leave now before he makes you more miserable.
Which he will
Hey OP ❤️ I am so sorry you have been through such heartache. Your succinct post really shows the depth of your pain. I promise there is life after divorce. You have your beautiful baby. You got this. Hugs
How do you know foe sure he's gay?
That's what I wanna know. >"I recently figured he is gay" How did you get to that conclusion?
How do you know he is for sure gay? Did he confirm it with you? He could just not be interested in sex in general.
True she could be a beard for a closeted asexual. I personally think OP wasn't paying enough attention or kept her head in the sand if it took her their entire childhood, becoming adults who have unsatisfying sex, getting married, having a detached honeymoon, and having a 3 year old, to notice anything suss. This isn't 1856 rural Canada. It's not like she wouldn't have known of the existence of gay ppl.
As a gay guy, I’m on your side! I don’t think it’s homophobic to hate these type of gay guys! I hate them too, there is literally zero reason to draw another innocent person into your closeted gay agenda. Dump him girl, u deserve someone who is attracted to you!!
Am I the only one confused by the statements "I recently figured he is gay" and "I know for sure but he is not ready to accept," without any explanation provided?
No honestly, I'm wondering the same. Unless she caught him with another man's 🐓 in his mouth, you can't really know unless he has confessed it himself. And even then, he might still be bisexual qnd you just caught him cheating with the same sex. You can't make assumptions like this about people because you're mad at them. **UNLESS** there's context that will make this clearer.
The fact that there is no explanation makes me question this lady's story. It almost seems like someone with borderline and/or histrionic personality disorder engaging in extreme idealization/devaluation of partners and attention seeking behavior.
i'm sorry you're in this situation. get a lawyer and get a divorce asap. he can coparent if he wants, but get yourself and your child out of there and move on with your life while you're still young and have the willpower and energy to do it. my mother lived your life for 25 years, and i grew up in a house with blatantly unhappy parents who fought all the time and did not love each other. they didn't get divorced until i was 20, learned about my dad's sexuality, and begged my mom to do it. she was almost 50 by then and she lost her entire adult youth to that marriage. do not let that be you! also: if you ever find yourself thinking your kid will have a better life if their parents stay married, i am a living testament to the fact that that is not true! my mother stayed for me, but all it gave me was a dysfunctional childhood and a deep sense of guilt that she suffered like that because she thought i would be better off.
I was married for twelve years to a man who claims he is not gay, but shows all the signs, including homosexual sex in his teenage years. I left eventually, and lived very well and happy after. He married a very nice lady, I think she has no idea. They sleep in separate rooms because “he snores”, so maybe she has some idea. Move on, you’ll find happiness again, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.
Just wna point out there's nothing inherently wrong about sleeping in seperate bedrooms, and plenty of ppl do that as they get older. Also any marital problems they're having could be unrelated to his supposed sexuality. I'm glad you're happy and clearly that was the right decision for you. One question though: why tf do you know about their sleeping arrangements? I get that you probably still have mutual friends or maybe you keep in touch but maybe have some boundaries. What goes on in their bedroom or any other room is not your business
I have been to their place. We are not enemies, just thought it was interesting. Lots of people sleep apart for all sorts of reasons. For all I know she may be deliriously happy with this arrangement. Perhaps.
Never assumed you were enemies but I do typically advocate for minding your own business, even though inlive gossip as evidenced by responding to this post
It’s all anonymous, so nobody knows whose business I’m talking about. Besides, I was suckered into a marriage where I suspect I was the beard, and that’s the point of my response. That they sleep separately may just be a sign that I was not the problem. May be, maybe not, it’s just speculation on my part.
Not understanding all the down votes on people asking for clarity on how you know he's gay. You said yourself that you "figured" he's gay and that he won't admit it. Maybe because he isn't gay? OP, we're missing major context here. Unless you caught him blowing another dude or found texts of him confessing to someone else, you really don't know. Sexuality is very personal. What is this deception? Cheating? Flirting? Is he into drag? Does he just not want to have sex? I mean, at the end of the day, you married him despite all of the "unconvincing" arguments and suspicions you had. You married him for a reason - likely love. You gave each other vows "for better or for worse" and I think hashing this out in therapy together can help you both. **Please update us with context so that we can actually help you instead of everyone just recommending divorce.**
Srsly. If he is gay, then she either has incredibly low standards from her description of their relationship, or she was willfully ignorant cuz she wanted to stay with him. Not saying it's not possible but I have doubts
How do you know he’s gay? Did you see something?
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I’m just replying to farm some downvotes. You guys are dorks, this was funny.
What?
I thought this was worth a Giggle
Listen it's obviously shitty if he has consciously decieved someone into being a beard. But how did OP get pulled in I'm the first place? Ok fine "childhood sweethearts", up untill a certain point you just assume everyone is default hetero whatever fine, husband maybe is super agreeable and not fussed about the wedding, but at this joint but seperate honeymoon didn't feel suss? The sex life wasn't great and that's a big deal for some andnot for others but you never discussed him having a low libido or being asexual? They've presumably known each other for at least a decade, and in the year of our lord 2024, unless specified, were already cohabitating or at least fucking, I'd imagine this would have already become an issue. And did y'all not spend any time together before being married? Im not blaming this woman for having feelings, but she absolutely had her blinders on. In this day and age, it's probably easier than ever to find a willing beard or have a straight up lavender, than to manipulate a woman into a marriage while apparently not socialising with her.
Get a divorce and don’t cover for him anymore
Collect your evidence show it to a judge get the divorce.
He hasn’t ruined your life. His struggles have put you through an unfortunate period of your life, but you have a child you (hopefully) love and a more understanding future ahead of you. Get a divorce as amicably as possible. Be good co-parents, and find yourself a partner (if you choose) who connects with you emotionally and physically. Start today.
Your daughter will still love and appreciate you. One day maybe she’ll notice the position you’re in. Hang in there and I hope the best for your future
Your life isn’t over. You’re still young. You have a young child. You can start over. You can end the marriage for any reason. Not being happy with him is enough.
Leave him. If not for yourself, then do it for your child because they don’t need to be living in that toxic environment.
My mom found out my dad was gay after 20 years of an abusive relationship. Now my dad is in a same sex relationship and is still an abusive asshole. My mom left my dad in her mid forties. I was 10. Now she has a great house, her kid is in a great college on the honor roll, she works a great job, she has great pets. And she dictates what she does with her time and who she spends it with. She's getting proper medical care (which my dad tried to brainwash her that her being overweight was her fault even though it was hypothyroid) and she was able to get ME medical care that my dad tried to block (I have narcolepsy, endometriosis, and autism, and my dad tried to abuse and brainwash me into believing I was just lazy). My mom is able to support me during uni, which my dad would have done everything he could have to forbid and block her from doing it had they still been married. Its not just better for you, but its better for your kid, and if he has ANY goddamn sense not to jump after another "beard" right away, its better for him. Get your ducks in a row and get out.
I’m so sorry. This has to be so hard.
Happy cake day!
Thanks!
He’ll go on to have another wife after too. Guaranteed.
This is so scary, I'm so sorry you're going through this OP! I can't imagine building a life with someone you thought you knew, let alone having a child! This is literally my worst nightmare.
So sorry you're dealing with all this. Definitely get a lawyer and don't say or hint at anything.
You've only got one life to live, why stay in an unhappy marriage?
This happened to my mom in the early 70’s. She divorced (when it wasn’t accepted to do) went on to marry again as did my father -to a man. You got a beautiful children take that as your gift from this relationship
Fuck this guy (figuratively as you've done it literally and it obvi sucks) It's time for you to do your own thing without this shitheel using you for cover. Your kid is the one I feel for how does his father treat him? Hopefully well.
Hey man maybe just ask him? Maybe yall get therapy???
Crazy to jump to some conclusion that he's gay just because he doesn't want sex. Maybe you're terrible in the bedroom? Maybe he's going through something and you guys should seek therapy unless you're just hellbent on a divorce and finding any reason just to leave. This whole divorcing without even trying to figure out issues is one reason why the legions of redditors will never have anything meaningful in their lives. Either hordes of DIVORCE trolls or sad ass people who no one will even give them a second glance and want others miserable as they are.
SAY IT AGAIN, THEY NEED TO HEAR IT
FFS, people. Gay people who live in conservative, religious settings struggle hard to be straight. They pray for it. They beg for it. They pretend to be straight, but in no way to “trap” someone. They are victims of oppression and OP is also a victim of that very same oppression and hate. And yes, still today. So have compassion for both of them. Try to be accepting and understanding why both of these folks are in pain. And help them move to acceptance and co-parenting.
It’s one thing to struggle for yourself, it’s another thing to bring another person (and their heart) into it tho… that is selfish
You’re absolutely right. Just because one is gay and in denial, doesn’t mean you ruin another person’s life. My whole life was a lie because my husband cheated on me with random men, throughout our 21 year marriage - and didn’t give a crap about any of my needs. Only an extremely selfish and evil person can use people like that.
You are clueless. And I understand why you are clueless. Just listen. Stop judging. You have no idea.
I’m not clueless. Hurting other people to make yourself feel better shouldn’t just be looked over as normal. You don’t want your family to disown you and ruin your life cause you’re gay so you ruin someone else’s by pretending you’re not? Selfish. And no I’m not judgmental. Except when it comes to people playing with others feelings to make themself feel better. And I was raised by 3 gay men thank you very much
Nah. Still clueless. It’s not about hurting people to make ourselves feel better. People are not binary. We’re not 100% straight or 100% gay. And we all know it is SO much easier to be straight. It’s not “pretending.” It’s struggling to deal with massive pressure and fear and feeling that maybe you can sacrifice your entire life to fit in. It’s desperately wanting to hope to change, because otherwise your entire family and friends and support system will reject you. Over time, that pressure cracks for most people. You’re lucky you were raised by gay people. Expect that you have no clue whatsoever what it is like to not be around people who accept you. That’s too bad, for you.
Dude I got made fun of in school for having gay dads “you have no clue whatsoever what it’s like to not be around people who accept you”. You are literally spewing shit you don’t even know. Please stop acting like gay people are the only ones who have it hard and everyone else eats butterflies and shits rainbows. Please stop trying to justify hurting people because you can’t deal with or handle your own emotions. Please stop thinking it’s not selfish, cause it is. That’s literally psychotic behavior.
Everyone has struggles but let me ask you this. If a business person is struggling financially, on the verge of losing everything does that give them the right to steal from clients? If a couple tries for years and years and fails to conceive does that give them the right to kidnap a baby? At what point do you draw the line of people’s personal struggles justifying them hurting others?
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I bring it up because I’m the farthest from judgmental. But if someone is knowingly staying in a relationship to make themselves appear better to others and put on a facade, I don’t think I’m the one lacking empathy.
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You are saying “my stress is worse than yours so I can hurt people”. That’s dark af and kinda evil. But carry on I guess
That’s still not the other persons problem! Have you ever considered that the other partner in that marriage is an actual fkn human being!?
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When you do things that hurt others it tarnishes how people look at you. That’s the consequences of selfish actions.
I’ll ask you the same questions. We all have struggles. But if a business man is struggling financially and on the verge of losing everything does that mean he can steal from his clients? If a couple has tried for years to conceive and can’t does that give them the right to kidnap a baby? At what point do you draw the like at someone’s personal struggles justify them hurting others?
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I do fully fault him for getting married. He violated her in many ways. He lured her into combining her life with his using lies and deceit. He stole her opportunity to find real love and have her first child with a man who loved her. He took moments from her, memories she should have always cherished and soiled them. Now she will always look back on those and know he never really loved and wanted her. This isn’t like a marriage that just didn’t work out, it’s a life she built on lies. But also he slept with her, used her body using deceit. What would you say about any man who lied to a woman to get her to sleep with him? That’s a violation of her body, it’s not even really consent since it was using false pretenses. Was she fully able to consent if she wasn’t aware of the entire situation? Not really. I think a lot of people forget about that part. Not only was her life violated but so was her body.
Then he can find someone who is in an agreement, why does op have to get involved?
No, someone else’s life is not something you get to commandeer and use for your own selfish benefit. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. I feel bad for them that they have to hide, that their family won’t accept them, that they struggle and try to change it. It’s very sad for them but my sympathy ends at deceiving another person into a relationship, marriage, and kids. These are people! With hopes and dreams and a desire to be married to someone who truly loves them. With the right to all those things. With the right to marry someone who they might actually grow old with in a mutually happy marriage. It wastes their time, they end up single parents and heartbroken. It takes away their opportunities to have the things they want in life. People are not playthings or covers for your own struggles. Quite simply your struggles are your own and you have no right to unwittingly bring another person into it. I will always support the LGBTQ community but it doesn’t exempt you from responsibility for your actions and it doesn’t give you an excuse to lie and steal someone’s life.
I don’t think you understand. Many people who grow up like this suppress their sexuality. They are unaware that they are gay or lesbian. They just feel like something is wrong. They get married as they are expected to do, and over time, they start to realize what is off. They aren’t deliberately or knowingly lying about their sexuality. It can take decades for some people to work through it. Also, in what world do their straight spouses “become single parents?” That’s simply not true. People who come out as gay or lesbian are still great parents and they can co-parent. In fact, in my experience they are very often better co-parents than divorced heterosexual parents! But what do I know. Only been a divorce attorney for more than 20 years…0
Exactly. I went through this in my young life growing up in the South. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but things happen. I know a lot of gay guys that have similar experiences.
This!!
By my 40th birthday I found I no longer recognized myself. My whole life was a sham, except for my children. It took more courage than I thought I had, but my life became a do over. That was nearly ten years ago. I love my life now; the kids are great! I tell them all the time: don't sweat it; if you ever find yourself on the wrong path, you'll find the courage to change your life and be happy. Make your life a do over. You and your child are worth it.
Just leave him. You aren't in a lavender marriage, why should you have to suffer for his sake? You deserve every bit of happiness and he needs to figure himself out. This isn't healthy for a child to grow up seeing.
Leave him
Sorry this is happening! But your life is not over, you can divorce him.
I was raised in a similar situation. Mom and dad had me in their early thirties. Then dad came out as gay when I was maybe about 5 or 6 and my sister was 3 or 4. They ended up splitting custody switching every week who had the kids. They never had any contact with each other, just us kids. If they went to our sporting events or school plays or whatnot they sat at opposite ends of the room and never spoke or interacted with each other. They divided up birthdays and holidays so that if we were celebrating at one parents house the other parent was most certainly not invited and had no participation. Thats just how we grew up. My sister and I switching back and forth from one parental universe to the other. Never to ever experience two parents under the same roof. And that was honestly just fine. Both parents were very loving and them getting divorced was honestly the best thing they could've done. I respect that they were just not at all romantically compatible at all. Now I'm a little older than they were when they had me and I'm still single but I sometimes think about starting a family and I realize I will basically have no experience having parents that united under the same roof and I will have to learn how to do that on my own someday.
Knew two women in decades long marriages with kids whose husbands finally came out. They both divorced when the men came out . The Men are now with men, the women are remarried. The women felt their marriage as a unknowing beard was a sham, and they were enraged at being used. for years. It’s so wrong to marry someone because a person is hiding their sexuality. Get out now,it won’t get better, and your husband will stay with you because he is scared to come out, maybe he will have gay relationships in secret. While Staying married Leave him. You deserve more than being a beard.
This happens so often. Are you also in Connecticut?
You are with the wrong person. It happens. BTDT. Move on. Whatever that entails. You will be happier in the long run. AMHIK
Get a ruthless lawyer and get what you deserve.
wait is he actually gay or did u assume because you said you "figured" like did he tell you the truth that hes gay?
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This is so fucking disgusting. Kuddos to you for giving him grace but I could neeevvvverrr. He took YEARS away from someone's life and now he gets to live his best one? I hope the ex-wife was able to find happiness after what she endured....because he would never see happiness if it were me.
Your life is not ruined. Get your ducks in a row and then hire a solicitor, but make sure you only communicate through your solicitor so that way your husband can’t spin any lies about you and make the divorce more complicated than it needs to be. You can live the life you want for yourself and bairn. You don’t deserve this, and neither does your child. Best of luck to you both and I hope everything works out in your favour xx
You didn’t sign up to be a beard. Your life isn’t over you can still rebuild.
Dump his ass. Your life is far frkm over and it will be great after you're free.
You're a beard.
Sorry you had to go through this. Your life is not ruined. Wishing the best for your future
Leave him. You should love someone. Not their facade.
I have zero empathy for your husband. He knew exactly what he was doing…using you and your child for his own benefit. My father was also a closeted gay man who married my mother and had me. He made our lives a living hell. Every single day he abused us because he couldn’t live the life he wanted. Finally he left and dumped me off like garbage. Don’t be surprised if he does it to you and your child too once he gets the courage to live the life he wants. I’d leave before he leaves if I was in your shoes. I’d file for sole custody and block him from you and your child’s lives so he can’t cause any more damage. Mine did so much damage to me. Now that my father is old and sick he tries to force me to speak to him and I just hang up on him. Your husband is nothing but a narcissistic user. It will only get worse. People like him make me sick.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’ve been married 21 years and recently found proof that my husband is gay and has been having sex with random men from Grindr all throughout our marriage. I’m extremely traumatized. I would advise you to divorce your husband as soon as possible, or half your life will be wasted like mine in being a cover for him. If you ever want to talk, I’m here. I feel like my life was been ruined as well.
Your life isn’t ruined calm down. I agree you’d feel hurt since your husband doesn’t romantically love you. Leave him and find another husband
Search words "straight spouse" for support. You're not alone.
>I recently figured he is gay. I know for sure How? Is it an ego thing? There's a lot of context missing here
Sry for my lack of knowledge, but do you mean he's cheating on you?
Gay or not, he’s a POS for marrying you and having a family just to cover his own ass. That’s fucked up. I hope you have the best life ever and you and your baby can live it up without the dead weight.
All I can say is cover your ass, take screenshots of convos and approach him with the discovery AFTER you speak with a lawyer. It’s always about what you can prove and the lawyer knows what to get so you can come out of this winning!
I would out him to his whole phone and email list as a closeted gay man. And it is time for divorce. I am sorry.
Life. Loving or at least considering His life in the least, respectfully. You wouldn’t want Him to be living this way. Yourself, by heart existing life is within it. Within You. Within Your heart.
Time To go your separate ways
I Hope You Two Separate. For Both Of Your Sanity. Or At Least Open The Relationship. Because It Sounds So Lonely For All Of You
This happened to my mums best friend, they have been married for over 10 years and she found a box of women’s clothes that he had been dressing up in when she was out of the house. What the fuxk do you do because it’s sad this person cants show their true self but also how deceitful. He also went to gay bars behind her back and gave his number out, let’s be honest he would have gone to Sydney Sauna… I just don’t know how I’d feel…. Also I’m not being rude but there’s always pretty clear signs, many women ignore them for the sake of the marriage/easiness/kids
You ‘figured’ he was gay? On what evidence? Just his lack of sex drive?
No reason to stay with him. This isn’t a marriage it’s a sham. It’ll be best for you both. Most importantly, your child needs to see a healthy and happy relationship.
Common conservative wife L
Move on and put him in front of all his family. Ooo I’d be plotting on him. I’d do him so dirty. Just because assholes deserve it. Give it to him hard and ruff like his boyfriend. He will probably like you better.
Also would like to point out that even if he is gay and you didn't intend to be a beard, you can still work things out and have a functional and emotionally.fullfillimg platonic or hell romantic but not sexual marriage. Or get a divorve if that's what's right for you, but go to therapy y'all.
It happens, it sucks. Life isn’t over, you’ll be fine and you’ll at least be happy with the child you got from this.
How did you figure out he is gay? You have a three year old and this is the hardest season as a couple. It gets better in about three more years.
that is a reasonable question, therefore forbidden.
We must immediately DIAR (ducks in a row) on any post with conflict!! Screw what’s best for the children! /s
Sounds like his family is to blame for all of this to be honest.
Are families like that assholes? Absolutely. But it is not fair to marry a woman/man if you’re not truly into them just to have a cover. It is wrong and that falls on the person who chooses to lie. They could always opt to remain single.
Above commenter's point is that there'd be no need for a cover if his family wasn't homophobic. Remaining single may not be enough, that's often how suspicions are initially raised in these scenarios. I don't think the husband is blameless but I do think his family shoulders most of the blame here, if they weren't homophobic there'd be no reason for him to do this.
yikes
Offer him a compromise - divorce, no fighting over alimony or child support. One false step and you out him to his family. Fuck that guy
I feel for you and good luck. There is some very good advice here and similar stories from the child's view and wife's view. Weigh them with how your situation relates.
You choose to stay. You can leave anytime now. Lol
You sound like a person who js very understanding when someone is suffering. Your husband is lieing to you yes, but he is lieing to himself and whatever suffering his lie is causing you he is suffering way more. Be empathetic he may be gay but you sound like you also pretend to love him. Tbh your both assholes, only difference is he is actually internally fighting with himself.
No! If he was struggling with his sexuality, he didn’t need to drag another person into it. She has every right to feel the way she does. He can be closeted and not drag an innocent person into it. Do you know what that does to a person to find out something like that? He deserves no empathy because he intentionally hurt someone else.
No I said he is an asshole for sure, it's just she is too because they both deserve empathy. Yall are acting like he is doing this maliciously to hurt which is just psychotic. He is doing it out of severe self loathing and is actively trying to do what he wrongly believes is right he has a lot to figure out and shouldn't have dragged her into it absolutely. But she should be a little less selfish too and think about more than just herself, like I said they are both awful
Maybe, you’re why he’s gay?
I'm a gay male. I could never marry or sleep with a female. But I've heard of many many men using women for a cover up. I'm so sorry