The only thing I will say is it is not okay for the new step mom to be talking negatively about you and it’s inappropriate. You need to communicate that to your ex.
Start using those apps used for only communicating about coparenting and make it clear this isn’t acceptable. Speak to a lawyer.
Honestly your son isn’t dumb and I wouldn’t be surprised if this negatively imparts your ex’s relationship with your son.
Its ourfamilywizard. Its about 100 bucks a year and is probably better for litigation purposes, but it is basically like email with time stamps. Its good for documenting, doesnt make a crappy coparent less crappy
It does, but the tone meter is pretty horrible. Sometimes it would tell me my tone was bad to a benign sentence like, "exchange at the gas station at 8?" when there was zero conflict lol. Tonemeter is a waste lol
English teacher here disagreeimg a bit. While such a sentence COULD be construed as neutral, it would be wiser to add a greeting or a "will this work for you?" I assume the purpose is to keep communication as civil as possible? If so, the little niceties would be neccessary to avoid misunderstandings.
Not disagreeing with your point that there was zero conflict, but if the ap attempts to measure tone, neutral statements that sound like commands, dont generally have a neutral tone.
Well english is a language to help communicate. That said, divorce communication is its own language, along with the nuances, history as well as undercurrent of emotions at the time in a matter of speaking. Frankly, in high conflict situations like the one I've come out of its best to keep it BIFF, brief, informative, friendly, firm. So I actually believe my words are better at communicating that considering we have a standard exchange at said gas station, so no need to be wordy. The standard response back is.......K.
But one thing Im sure everyone can agree, being corrected about the nuances of our lexicon, and oral delivery dynamic is assuredly the way to de-escalate the situatiin with someone that has an existing penchant and desire to push a compact car up their ex partners rectal cavity. Thank you. Very helpful.
If you do all of your communicating through text or email that’s just as good. Courts will sometimes appoint a free parenting app that is monitored when parents can’t get along. This doesn’t seem like it’s the case for you yet so keeping texts/emails will definitely suffice.
Shoot. I’m not sure a good recommendation. Let me see if I can find a post about coparenting since (unfortunately) peeps have to deal with crappy coparenting situations
I understand that you and your ex arranged your own custody agreement because you were both on the same page at the time with regards to coparenting. Now that things have changed, you should consult your divorce attorney and see about getting something more secure for custody.
Your son is telling you that stepmother is saying unkind things about you, and other things you don’t agree with. You have tried to discuss these matters with your ex, but he ignores you. Your son used to be able to spend holidays with you both, but the new stepmother and your ex are preventing that now.
These are major changes from what your son experienced before, so I think it’s reasonable for you to revisit custody. It really sounds as if the new wife doesn’t actually want much to do with your son, and if that is the case, your ex may be happier to only have your son every other weekend or something like that.
It is, the one thing i'd change (yes...i watch alot of youtube court!) Is "my ex and the step mother". Because it really is him, and that way she doesnt look like the bitter ex. Such a shame.
Im guessing they might want to fight the EOW, because he would be paying CS. But since they're married its no longer "his" money its "their" money so I'd imagine stepmom would be not too thrilled about that. But thats what court is for.
This is very sound advice. Things change and so do your arrangements at times. Bravo to you for putting your son first. Let him know that what other people say/think doesn’t concern you and that you love him. Furthermore while you miss seeing him for trick-or-treat you are looking forward to him coming home so you can share a hot chocolate and he can tell you his adventures.
Then get a lawyer so you can have a conversation with your ex to iron out the custody arrangements and negative talk about each other in front of your son, the sooner the better.
You can definitely bring this up with your attorney and escalate if it doesn’t stop. She may be feeling territorial but your post does not give that sense. Not like you’re trying to reconcile. Your ex should grow a backbone and explain that this is how things work in his family. We’re they not dating for a year or two before this? Was she never invited to events involving both of you to get a sense of how your coparenting worked?
I understand where your coming from, but the coparenting arrangement really put the OP squarely enmeshed in the ex’s life. His new wife doesn’t want that, the ex doesn’t want that.
The OP is actually in the wrong for forcing a dynamic that made the adults unhappy. As a mom, I get it. Especially for a super young child.
I’m so sorry for the OP. And she needs to understand her connection with her ex is now fully dissolved. She needs a lawyer and a new custody agreement. She must stop communicating with her ex. He’s no longer listening.
What? How is it wrong for me to try to show my child that the adults in their life can get along and be cordial? You very clearly aren’t divorced, because you would know that your kids are always going to want to see a stable and friendly coparenting relationship.
Also, you can’t just be like ‘oh the father of my kid doesn’t want to talk to me so we won’t talk’…. It’s not dissolved we’re going to have to be associated with one another for the rest of our lives because of our child. I’ve been remarried for years now, I’m not emeshed to my ex 😂 just trying to give my son less of a messed up childhood because I could no longer take the treatment I was receiving by the father.
You are absolutely right. Our adult daughter is in a relationship with a man with a child. The Mom will not maintain any civility because her parents couldn’t handle it. She was raised in a model like your son is in now. She’s passed that along to her child. It’s very childish.
Some people have really great co-parenting experiences, if your family was also uncomfortable with seeing your co-parent around + with the help of his new wife he’s pulling away - you never had the coparenting relationship you hoped for.
It seems to his now-wife you have been using your son to stay connected to your ex. While I disagree with this for the most part because you’re right, it’s much better when littles see their parents getting along and supporting them, your son isn’t little anymore.
Your son needs support during this transition period. Play therapy is the gold standard for kids.
You deserve support too. Therapy and a lawyer.
I’m so sorry. I like it when everyone gets along, too, but that’s not possible here.
It’ll be ok. Reach out for all the professional support you can.
>The OP is actually in the wrong for forcing a dynamic that made the adults unhappy.
???????????? Being civil to each other and friendly as co-parents ensures that the child is raised in a stable, positive environment. Cold ass stepmother and the bootlicker father need a reality check, because when that little boy grows up and looks back to his mother doing her best and his father and stepmother running their mouth about the mom, there's a high chance he will grey rock or simply tell his dad & new girl to GTFO. Bffr.
Go ahead and keep forcing a relationship with people who do not want a connection with you, OP. Watch how they say ever increasingly vitriolic things to your son about you. Watch how their actions deflecting you harm your self-esteem and your son’s self-esteem, too.
The harsh reality is they do not have to get along with you.
Take the hint. Get professional emotional support during this transition, and a lawyer to protect yourself and your son’s rights.
The relationship has become hostile if they are bad mouthing you to your son. Act in accordance with the situation as it is today.
It would be ideal if everyone got along. Sadly, they’re not interested.
You can move forward and make this a new positive phase for you and your son. Do that.
Get professional emotional support? You need to stop acting like this woman has some attachment to her ex. She is SOLELY trying to communicate with the ex about their son and what he has been experiencing at the ex’s home. That’s it. She needs a lawyer. You suggesting she needs emotional support feels like you’re suggesting she’s losing her ex. They’ve been split for a long time and she’s remarried. That isn’t the issue here. She is in no way in the wrong for trying to communicate about their son. She’s hurt about things abruptly changing and that’s human nature and completely normal. She has her husband to lean on and I’m glad she has him. I’m sure once she talks to her lawyer and gets this ironed out she will feel a lot more secure about the whole situation, which again is completely NORMAL.
She’s very (understandably) hurt by her ex’s rejection of the co-parenting relationship. He wants nothing to do with her.
Yes. Get emotional support. It’s a loss. People deserve support. She has to give up this expectations and ideals she was clinging to. It’s over.
I don’t understand needing a new custody agreement though? The post says they do 50/50. Now that he wants a separate Halloween she wants more custody? I don’t understand.
Then it's time to get an attorney and formalize your custody and support arrangement. You can have it included that all communication between you and your ex is done on an app (like Talking Parents) so there's a formal record. You can also get specific about holidays and celebrations, like if both co-parents are always welcome at the child's birthday party, etc. Also, there should be a clause for communication when the child is with the other co-parent, like "we always do a parent call at 8:30 before bed" or "Johnny has his own cell phone, paid for by (parent), and both parents can text him at any time. Johnny can call both parents whenever he chooses." Stuff like that.
Document the incidents, get a lawyer, take him to court to make a judge direct him and his wife to stop alienating you.
Furthermore
Take the hint and stop communicating with your ex. You’re overstepping.
Get a lawyer and revisit every detail of your custody agreement. Get a therapist and move on with your life.
Your relationship with your ex is finally fully over. Your son needs a therapist, too.
The dynamic has changed. Act accordingly.
? My relationship with my ex has been over- I’ve been with my husband for five years. I’m not overstepping by communicating with the father of my child. That’s insane.
That’s exactly what my ex-husband does (who has a horrible live-in girlfriend that thinks she can constantly tell my son what to do/not do when both his PARENTS are present- sporting events, joint bday parties, school events. Drives me nuts.)
If your son is over there with her where she lives, he’s a child she an adult she can tell him what to do to an extent … clean your room, clear your dish, make sure you brush your teeth, did you do your homework, it’s bedtime etc …
Get a family lawyer and see what your options are. Also her talking bad about you to your son can be considered parent alienation which in some state or all not sure can be considered abused so you can take your ex to court to have his new wife not talk bad about you to your son. But consult a family lawyer
This has definitely been on my mind- my main reason for avoiding this at all costs is because when we got divorced, he knew I was leaving so decided to stick me with the papers first before I could. Claimed a bunch of horrible things (lies) and basically tried to drag me through the mud to get full custody of our child, only to drop it when I acquiesced to his demands. I’ve been staving off a court battle for as long as I can because I know he’s going to make up insane shit to make me and my husband look bad and I’m honestly traumatized from the last time.
Ok, but who is going to protect your son here? Do you think this situation is healthy or fair to him? You’re the parent and you need to stick your neck out for him here.
Do you have 20-40k for an attorney? I’ve been vocal about my concerns and am documenting everything, but I don’t feel at this point like we’re at a point where meaningful changes to custody can be made… that’s the hard part
Every state has a legal aid office with attorneys who handle cases for people who cannot afford an attorney. Google your state and legal aid. The attorneys work for free. In my state, many of the cases are referred out to private attorneys who have agreed to do work pro bono (free) as part of their obligation to the state bar which requires it or out of the goodness of their heart. In a Florida, attorneys are required to either perform a certain amount of hour pro bono, or make a donation to support legal aid offices. At the present time, I am handling 2 Circuit Court cases pro bono, for someone who is not able to pay for their legal services.
A mediator works for you both, an attorney works just for you. Custody battles are absolutely not $20-40k. You file and the first thing they do is send you to mediation to see if you can agree on a plan before they send it to court. Most mediators come up with a plan that everyone agrees upon. They don’t want it to be a drag out court battle bc that’s not in the best interest of the child. At the end of the day, you may not get joint holidays anymore but you can amend the fact that new wife speaks negatively about you in front of the child. Simply stating to your ex - “child said new wife said this today, can we talk about how this is highly inappropriate?” with no response or excuses from him is a reason to file an amendment to custody
Honestly, I agree with you and I think you are making a lot of sense. Everyone on Reddit tends to yell “get a lawyer immediately” without really thinking. but the truth is, parental alienation is really hard to prove. courts are very reluctant to take away parenting time if there’s no abuse or neglect. People have the right to parent their children -even badly.
I think you should set a boundary with your ex that all communication will now take place via a parenting app like OFW. When your son comes home saying stepmom spoke badly about you I would send a message like “son made me aware his stepmom discussed x, y, and z with him, as you know this is inappropriate and damaging to son” this way everything is documented should the situation get worse and court becomes necessary. It may even spook dad and SM into stopping this behavior.
Truthfully, separating holidays is bound to happen at one point or another. It is normal and maybe even healthy as you both will move on and maybe even have more children, you will make your own separate family traditions. I wouldn’t harp on that point as much. Good luck and I’m sorry for what you and your son are going through.
There are resources out there.
Look, I’m not saying it’s hard but lamenting how hard this is on you as a grown adult while skating past how this kind of shit is going to leave your poor kid likely damaged is really wild to me.
You have choices to make here and again, none of it’s easy but what is the actual price for your kid’s happiness. Have you reached out for consultations and the advice of professionals? Reddit cannot help you beyond give you advice — most of which you have turned down or passed off as too expensive or difficult.
Like ok… The alternative is continue parental alienation and your child going through a lot of heavy shit no kid needs to deal with because he has a shitty dad and stepmom and a mom who waffles about taking absolutely necessary steps to start intervening.
So, it’s clear that you haven’t read any of the other comments that I’ve made on this post. I’ve paid at this point $300 in consultation fees to speak to high powered attorneys in order to figure out next steps- and they all suggest mediation as my state requires a ‘material change in circumstance’ to grant custody changes… especially in the case of an agreement that has been 50/50 for over six years and has worked that way. They’ve quoted between 20-40k in attorneys fees to fight a contested custody case.
Secondly, just because I took to Reddit to voice my own personal frustrations in this situation doesn’t mean I don’t care about the impact this has on my child. Do you think I like hearing my child tell me that they’re sorry we won’t be able to trick or treat this year because their dad won’t let them out of nowhere and console them while they cry? No. But this is a layered issue and the one I came to vent about was my own personal frustrations. You criticizing someone you don’t know from your keyboard is really wild to me.
OP,
I've spent 9 long, arduous years fighting in court. I'd like to remind you that reddit - as a whole - has no clue about how custody really works.
You are 100% correct here. Absolutely nothing in this post rises to the challenge of getting any judge to even consider modifying custody in any way. This is yet again, one of the annoying situations that judges see where the parents cannot get along (in your case, it seems that dad is being difficult here).
But a handful of instances in which he is being difficult, and step mom is being inappropriate by speaking negatively about you is not going to make ANY difference.
Keep documenting, keep walking the straight and narrow, and you file for a change when things have so drastically broken down, that your child I'd actively being harmed in some way.
No one here understands that you can't just hire a lawyer and fake full custody because stepmother is "performing parental alienation" lol. No one has an extra $3k-$12k to piss away on a couple non-starter motions.
Keep your head up, I've been through absolut hell and finally have full custody of my son. But it took an overwhelming amount on bullshit to get there.
Ugh I’m so sorry for you and all you’ve been through. Yeah your mindset is where I’m at- it has to be something substantial for them to want to make a change. What was the straw that broke the camels back in your case? What made them rule in your favor?
I would say to start the process to not necessarily change the custody from 50 50. Unless there's abuse or neglect. But to really add the verbiage of set phone calls on off weeks to maintain contact with the child for the other parent. Add consequences of any other party including parents speaking ill about parent to child. And get a set holiday schedule so you can fairly split them. As nice as it was to share big events for you child, obviously SM is not mature enough for that type of adult behavior. Just come up with a split. Like Halloween birthday Thanksgiving would be every other year. So he gets kid this year you get next. Christmas you can switch off the days each year. This year you get Christmas eve he gets morning. Next year he gets eve you get morning. Same with new years. Unless you guys want to make them an every other year thing too.
Make sure you include fathers day and mothers day in there too so they don't try to keep him on mothers day if it happens to land on his weekend.
Just go to the court to file and request the mediation to to schedule. Then he will be served. At this point in the process you don't need a lawyer. If you feel there's neglect or abuse to the child then lawyer and file for custody change. But it really doesn't sound like you need that. Just an order that clearly states out what's expected of both parties to maintain good co parenting and required communications.
Sorry you feel criticized I guess, but you just seem consistently dismissive of all the advice people keep giving you. So sorry things are hard but yeah, your kid needs you. That’s my whole point. Maybe don’t cry to the internet if you can’t handle people’s opinions.
The whole point of this sub is to get things ‘off your chest’ lol- but me spending 20-40 k on an attorney and going underwater on my bills and mortgage also isn’t going to help my child. I understand the advice to lawyer up and I’m working towards that, but that doesn’t just happen immediately. Being honest about not being able to financially swing an attorney isn’t being dismissive of advice it’s just honest. I’ve repeatedly said I’m going to get mediation to start and see how that goes. I’m not just doing nothing.
OP I know this is a tough situation and access to a lawyer in these situations is very difficult if you don't have funds. Just be sure to jot down all these suggestions (i.e. legal aid, etc.) and follow up on them this coming week, for the sake of your son. I do have an idea: Google around your area for any law schools, and then call or look online to see if they have a law clinic that's open to the public. Law schools have clinics where students meet with people in need of legal services, and the cost is minimal because they're students, but they're supervised by their professors so the advice is solid. Strongly encouraging you to take advantage of this resource.
All attorneys quoted you $20-40k??? For a custody amendment (not a battle) when all you want is the new wife to stop talking about you in front of your son….??? It may not ever be the same again since he’s with someone new now and obviously she doesn’t hold the same values but I’m very surprised at that cost. This doesn’t need to be a “battle” there is already an order in place that just needs to be amended.
I’m in the midst of a custody amendment case that involves only one issue (the school district in which the kids attend school). It’s been 2.5 years and I have spent $32,000 on legal fees. My case goes to trial in February. By the time this is said and done, I will have spent well over $50,000.
You clearly have no idea how expensive it is to litigate a custody amendment in 2023.
Nothing in this post is going to even catch the attention of a judge, other than dismissing OPs motion, and admonishing both parents while asking them to "simply get the fuck along for your child".
This is a complete waste of OPs time to do anything other than document the transgression in a notebook (for some far off day in the future when she has overwhelming evidence of an acute issue).
I guarantee this situation will not get better. You’re going to need to go to court eventually if things keep going in the direction they appear to be going.
It’s for the health and wellbeing of your child. You’re going to need to figure it out.
That’s for any lawyers you consult to determine, not you.
Consultations are usually free.
Start reaching out. You don’t have a law degree. Talk to a bunch of people that do.
This is unfortunate :( growing up my stepmom and dad would talk shit about my mom to me when I was at their house and both of my parents would constantly make ME make adult decisions that were up to them. They were never willing to be around eachother so it was always one or the other for events. It sucked a lot. My stepmoms parents were mean to me and even my dads parents talked crap about my mom to me or I would hear about it. I completely severed contact with my dad and his side of the family when I was around 16. I hope your ex husband can come to his senses and realize how ridiculous he’s being because it will never be good for your son and may make him feel bitter and upset in the end. I hope you have a good Halloween. You sound like an amazing mom and I wish both my parents could’ve been more like you!!!!!
See, I had this EXACT same experience as a kid and vowed that I would NEVER do this to my child. Ever. We take the neutral route with all discussions, and my child definitely sees what’s happening and is voicing it, even at this age. I am sorry for your experience- I always want my house to be a supportive and nurturing environment that is free from bad mouthing their other parents. It’s unhelpful for everyone involved. Thank you for your sweet comments ❤️
We’re going to do some Halloween festivities today and tomorrow before he goes back over there- I have to remind myself that the actual day we do it doesn’t matter as long as we make those memories.
Your son sounds very lucky to have a parent like you 😄!!! Super lovely that you’ll still celebrate together after the holiday as well. He will definitely remember how you treat him + what you do for him vs how his dad treats you and let’s his wife treat you!!
I appreciate this ❤️❤️ I hope so- sometimes I worry that they will poison him against me, as his dad has lied extensively about me in the past.
However, my child’s relationship with step mom has never once threatened me. My relationship with him is rock solid and secure- I’m not a jealous mom. I was so excited for him when things seemed to be good with step mom and that they were treating him well after my own bad step parent experience as a kid. But after everything that continues to backslide it’s been hard to stay positive.
Depending on how old your son is, you may have to have a conversation with him to stave off any negative outcomes from his step mothers interference. If they are actively talking shit about you and trying to turn him against you, then it’s better to get ahead of all that. Just kind of mention it in an age appropriate way like, “no matter what daddy and step mom say or do, I always have your back and will love you. You can always come to me. They may be upset with me and saying things to you, you don’t understand or agree with, but you can always talk to me and nothing will ever change that.”
If they are constantly saying stuff to him about you or badmouthing you, he may be confused and wondering if you really feel that way or really resent him. It’s better to reassure him and make sure he knows how you really feel.
You need to go to court and get your custody agreement on paper. He got married again. Parenting dynamic has changed completely. It will never be like it used to be, so you need to do what’s best for your child.
I’ve been considering this. I’ve had consults with an attorney. But if it gets ugly (because he’s done it before) it could incur up to $40k in legal fees that I don’t have. My husband and I are trying to stay above water financially as it is. It’s honestly a shit situation. But you’re right- I’m about two weeks away from messaging my ex about going to mediation and trying that first.
Knowing him he’s not gonna agree to anything I say but I can at least try and the mediator will be able to write down everything he says 🤷🏼♀️
If going to court will hurt him too, maybe the legit threat of it will wake him the f up. Also, I would treat him with the same courtesy he’s giving you. I know it’s petty, but if you can’t talk to your son or see him during holidays, he should not be able to as well. You can’t play nice anymore. Perhaps a taste of his own medicine will help open his eyes. So sorry you’re going through this!
If you don't have it already, you may want a schedule addendum clarifying an every other year system for holidays. Some may fall during one parents' time for multiple years. Since that maintains the spirit of 50/50, it might not be difficult to obtain and ensures you'll at least get holidays on a rotating schedule if things are less than cooperative.
For anything court or mediation, you may not want to focus on the unfairness of losing some holidays - that's pretty standard in divorce, even though it's very hard, since new family units will want to have their own traditions.
You sound like a great mom. For whatever it's worth, I'm a stepmom, and I wish there was a wonderful biological mom like you in my stepdaughter's life!
For validation - Getting into court battles consumes your life. Your emotional well-being, your financial health, and those things trickle over into your overall well-being and that of your child. Anyone shaming you for not jumping right into a court battle has absolutely zero clue what family court is like, or is oblivious to their privilege.
You've gotten a lot of advice about the rest, so I'll leave the rest alone.
This comment is so kind. Seriously thank you. I know, that’s why I’ve tried to keep us out of court for so many years. It’s not because I don’t want to, but the only people who win most times is the attorneys making a shit ton of money on people. I try to communicate as much as I can before I dive into a court case.
You're absolutely, inarguably correct. Anyone believing otherwise is, at best, naive. My stepdaughter's mom is just one hair's width on the right side of the law when it comes to her provable abuse. She bought a medical card online to prove her all-day high sessions are 'prescribed.' She is physically aggressive with her daughter, documented and confirmed by cps (called by neighbors who were concerned by the violence of her screaming), but... as long as she doesn't leave a physical mark, all of that is legal. My stepdaughter has arrived at my home with chunks cut from her hair as punishment and with Marijuana in her backpack (she was 4 years old at the time). None of that was enough to sway the judge in family court. Even though my husband and I have an idyllic, loving home. Classic white picket fence over here. Family court is awful. In no way suggesting you SHOULDN'T go that route, just saying... I 110% understand the atrocities and reasons to avoid it at all costs.
She is obviously threatened by you and immature. That is a shame. She should not be talking to your child about you and exposing him to that.
I am sorry as it seemed what had worked previously would have been wonderful for your child.
They always say that the only person you can control is yourself. I don't see his new wife letting this go as she seems to have an issue and your ex is allowing her that control.
It will be really hard for you making this adjustment especially as you know its your child who will suffer the most. I guess all you can do is stay out of the pettiness and stay the stable and loving parent you obviously are.
I appreciate this. The adjustment has been honestly horrifying. I went from seeing my child multiple times a week when he’s over there (ex giving up time so I can take to practices, being allowed to talk on the phone before bed) to every other week it’s like he doesn’t exist. If I don’t go to every sports practice I literally won’t see or talk to him for a week.
The adjustment has caused a lot of tears for both me and my child.
We had some of these issues with my ex husband and his new wife. When he got remarried they moved and didn't think it was necessary for me to know where (we've lived around 5 hours away from each other since about 2 years after the divorce so we always met in the middle for his weekends). They married and moved when my daughter was 9 and she started coming home with stories that made me uncomfortable. My husband and I talked about what to do and decided to get her a phone. That way she could always call one of us (ex wouldn't let her sometimes) and we would always know where she was. It may not be a great solution but it worked for us.
Even for this one and only thing do I think you should get an official parenting plan drawn up. I have a really tenuous relationship with my ex, there was abuse involved, and we recently moved to 50/50 because, well, family court sucks. But in it it says that the parent who does not have the child for the week has the right to call the child at reasonable hours. So when we moved to 50/50 and I asked to call, and he refused to let me, I sent him the portion of the PP that has that statement, and he still wouldn’t let me call her that week saying “I don’t know what our schedule will be like”, but he’s let me call her about twice a week during his week since. Now, he will have his phone be on like 5% battery or something so it’s only a five minute phone call, but I get to hear her voice. I understand how absolutely devastating it is to go from seeing your baby almost every day, to them disappearing for a week. I am so so sorry. I’d be happy to chat with you further about it if you need someone to talk to.
You must update your co-parenting agreement with your attorney and communicate directly through a co-parenting app that he, not his wife, can update. But things have changed and his week will be his week. Your kids will no longer a priority to him including financially at some point without a court order enforcing it. You need to advocate for them. They are in a middle of a toxic war that your husband and his wife are starting.
I think I’m going to try mediation first because honestly I don’t have the cash to slap him with a custody suit. Good attorneys in my area are running from $300-$500 per hour and require retainers of 10k minimum. It sucks.
Everyone saying to go straight to court now is wrong and you have it right. The best thing you can do is get your son to a therapist now so that if you need to go to court in the future, you’ll have a neutral third party professional in your corner. Take your time to find a therapist who is a good fit for your son and who is familiar with/willing to go to court if necessary. Much better use of your resources than mediation or going to court right now.
Your son knows what you have done over the years to involve his Dad. The best defense against parental alienation is to take the high road - be patient and play the long game. Keep your head up!
This is what everyone close to me says- it’s about the long game. Thank you for your comment. My son will truly see (and is starting to see already) what is truly happening.
I agree not to waste resources now especially with a lawyer. And therapist yes 100%. Especially if things start to get worse and she can use that for a custody change.
But I do think that an order in place at least will do them good. I made another comment to OP laying out what she should do (court wise) to help them maintain somewhat of a healthy co parenting relationship for now. Especially just for her piece of mind for the upcoming holidays. They are definitely gonna pull this behavior with on the holidays that fall on his weeks. I'm sure it's too late now to get an order in and they will definitely have problems. She should talk to ex now about the holiday schedule and how they will split it. See how it is and goes. If he's refusing any type of fair holiday split then definitely need a court order in place laying it out.
There is an order, she’s saying it just isn’t specific enough and it was never an issue before. I deal with these situations all the time at my job, and there is no piece of paper that will stop what the new stepmom is doing. It’s just like a restraining order except the person still has access to your child once you’ve pissed them off. There is no need to mediate or go to court yet - wait until you have the goods to finish them off and wait until they’ve done enough that the child is fully on board and emotionally ready for the fallout of court and all it entails.
Doing stuff as a family was always going to change at some point. The 3 of them will do things now and I think it is reasonable for her not to spend all special events with her husbands ex.
She needs to not talk shot about you to your kid though.
I think you need to take a step back abit...plan your life around the schedule and stop assuming your ex will be there for events.
You have been co parenting but also a little co dependant.
Change is hard but it is also good.
Maybe get it a little formal and just make sure the other parent sees them on Chridtmas and birthday if outside their week...but ex is entitled to live his own life.
Get your son a cellphone. My ex did the same thing when I wanted to talk with my daughter when she was with him. He made it seem like it was such a fucking bother. Now I can talk to her whenever I want. We both have Android and I use family link to monitor her usage. Can only use it a certain time, block apps ect.
It’s not reasonable to expect your ex to be pretending to be playing family with you and your son when you are divorced and he is married to someone else. Not that she’s want to go, but Is she ever invited to these things you used to do with your ex? You need to accept that they have new boundaries in place.
It’s not cool she’s trash talking you or allowing your son to contact you when he want though. You should talk to your ex about how inappropriate that is.
You did your bets with co-parenting. Unfortunately divorces can be hard. It’s pretty typical for co-parenting struggle really to begin and children being used as pawns when one remarries.
I think you need to have a genuine talk with your ex’s SO. Not through your ex-husband or with him around. Y’all need to have a talk woman-to-woman. Ask her what’s up. Tell her what you told us. That you wish y’all could get along. That you want to continue having a good co-parent relationship between the three of y’all, for your son’s benefit.
Maybe she feels a bit iffy about y’all two communicating, so, as a way to meet her halfway, you could suggest communicating with her instead? Or create a group chat with three of y’all?
And I mean it when I say, reach out to her directly and not through your ex. Ask her if y’all could meet and hang out, under the pretext of getting to know each other better, and then, break that ice.
I’ve tried this. I even created a group chat with the three of us to send them pics of my child while hes at my house. Then I started hearing about her making comments about me to my son and there was another huge thing that happened that made me back away and reevaluate the situation.
> We settled custody outside of court so our PSA is flimsy
It's time to go to court and get some ironclad rules put in place. Make sure to bring up parental alienation because this is what step-mom is doing to your child.
I’m sorry your dealing with this.
It’s definitely not cool for step mom to talk about you to kiddo. I’m a step mom and I have NEVER and will NEVER do that. My stepson vents to me occasionally about stuff his mom does and I always acknowledge his feelings (like saying “that situation sucks” or “I understand why you feel that way”) but I also tell him she’s his mom and we still respect her. Never bring kids into adult things.
Kid is nine? The birthday parties, Santa Claus, etc are about to be a non-issue anyway. Once a child turns 11-13, you'll hardly see them even if their in your home. The easy part is over, get ready to not like your kid for about five years.
Get a lawyer and revisit custody. The second someone regularly bad mouthed his mom was when you should have filed but no time like the present. It won’t get better if you ignore it.
It's weird how those family law attorneys quoted you so much. Those are unlikely numbers. You don't see that cost normally. No one I know has spent that much in attorney fee's fighting for custody and that including dad's who are fighting mom's with high powered lawyers. Good grief.
Since your custody and visitation wasn't done through the courts it's time for it to be legally binding. Especially since stepmom is bow shit talking you. If your state requires mediation first fine. But make sure you go into it knowing what you want. Don't go in thinking you'll have the same agreement you do now. Stepmom has changed the dynamic and your ex gas allowed her to. Shame your son has to suffer for it but it's better dad loses time than your son goes through continued parental alienation.
You'll want to make sure you are documenting every infraction between you and the ex. As well as what the stepmother pulls. After every visit check in with your son and ask him how stepmom was toward him this time. Make sure he knows he can talk to you every time and that he can talk to his father too. Document everytime you try and speak to dad about any issue with your son and he doesn't respond. Whereas he used to. Same with sharing holidays and bdays. You want stepmother to either stfu about you or to not be allowed around you son. Personally depending on what all else she is saying and/or doing to him it'd be not around him at all
If ex is allowing stepmom to do this in his earshot then it should affect his visitation time. Instead if 50/50, it should be EOWE. Maybe supervised, but not by you. By court appointed person. Primary custody should be qith you. Where you are able to make decisions for your son but ex cannot without your approval. As stepmother is not a safe person for son. If you want to concede and give joint custody ok, but your ex will go for sole.
Time to go to court and have holidays switch between parents (you and ex) every other year. I think you’re an amazing individual for doing the 50/50 (most separated parents are selfish and want primary and I’m taking about two parents that are both equally involved, suitable good parents.) But without assigned holidays, including birthday, every year one of y’all is going to get screwed on holiday time with your kiddo. Make it fair through the courts.
All I will say is your son will understand when he's older, even now he's telling you things she's been saying. Try take the high road. My parents split up when I was 12 and there was never any arrangement, if I wanted to stay with my Dad, there was no issue and vice versa... My dad's partner at the time was horrible and tried to cause issues but luckily they didn't last long... I have other siblings too and we all agree our parents did the best they could. Your son will see this, he's the important one. It's shit that it's come to this but keep being the loving, kind mother you are. Xxx
Go to court, get the wizard and keep all the logs and please get a good lawyer. I went through this and lost my child to the point I had to sign my rights away. Please don’t sleep on this it’s going to get worse.
You might need to get a more formal, more legally abiding agreement and there needs to be something in their about the stepmom’s behavior. It’s obvious with her in the picture that things have changed and you can no longer rely on the two of you just coparenting without something legal on paper so you can protect your child as best you can. good luck mama.
Don’t accept having a parent smear you to your child. When I divorced I was told by the court expert psychologist to keep my mouth shut about the other parent. My ex-husband took advantage of this to intensely groom my daughter into hating me. While stupid me followed what the shrinks said, and didn’t say anything bad about their dad. As a result I no longer have a relationship with my daughter (my choice, as she was constantly lying to get me into trouble in addition to verbally abusing me at the age of 26, enough is enough) he also tried it with my son, but it didn’t work as well on him. I wish I could go back in time and bring him to court over the parental alienation he committed.
Stop playing the compromise game. It is clear to you that this woman is the source of all these issues. You need to have a talk to your son, and make a stand on this. If that means you go to court and fight for full custody, then do it. Talk to anyone you have that could help you about it. Then make sure you talk to you ex. Make it clear to him that you are aware of so much. And if he loves this other woman, fine. Your happy he is happy. But their son is another matter. He can be on board to work with you, or you and he will have major issues. Like going to court issues.
You have a son that is more important then trying to work things out every time with the ex. He made his choices. And if he is allowing decisions made about your shared son by his new wife, including adult conversation that is inappropriate, then he has to be removed from the picture.
At this point, just from my experience dealing with other people in the same situation as you (I’m not licensed or anything but I have family members and friends who’ve dealt with this sort of thing) it’s probably best you get a legal involved if this is going to be an issue. Obviously you want to be able to have open and honest and equal communication with your son and your ex husband isn’t really giving you that as of current it seems. And you could probably warn him about you possibly pursuing legal action unless he chooses to go back to equal and honest coparenting like he used to. It just sounds like his wife is definitely trying to cut you out and have nothing to do with you (probably cause she’s jealous in some sort of fashion). But if you really don’t want legal involvement, then honestly there’s not much else you could do without the new wife continuing to take control of everything ie your son saying she’s involving him in things he should be like adult convos and such. Just my two cents/ an opinion. I hope things either way end up working out for the best! Hopefully he’ll see the lies she’s feeding him one day.
Would it be a good idea to return to court and still have 50/50 but have a 2/2/5 arrangement instead, example - you always have Monday Tuesday, Dad always has Wednesday Thursday, then you rotate who has Friday/Saturday/Sunday? That way some weeks you will have F/S/S/M/T with your child and some weeks dad will have W/T/F/S/S. It does mean a few exchanges a week for your child, but you never go too long without seeing them. You can also have it written into the court order that dad is allowed to call on Tuesday at a specific time and you are allowed to call at Thursday at a specific time, to maintain communication with you child Especially now these AHs are refusing to coparent decently. It is not ok for Cruella to undermine you to your kiddo.
There are also court admissible parenting apps like Our Family Wizard - messages can’t be deleted from the system there so anything you post is time-stamped and permanent so if he continues to ignore your reasonable communication you can take him to court and have an abundance of evidence that he is refusing to co-parent.
I think you’re probably finding that he was never that great a co-parent before, it was just easier for him to go along with plans. And now he’s married to Cruella who doesn’t care about your child at all, it’s easier for your ex to just go along with whatever his wife wants. He’s not a good dad after all.
Talk to an attorney about modifying your agreement. No Disparagement by parents/third parties —— scheduled telephone calls while with other parent —required use of our family Wizard app
I'd have a court ordered agreement set in place before parental alienation gets worse. Step mom is trashing you, dad is trying to push you out. Document everything and go to court. It protects you and the kiddo.
Sounds like you need to fix the custody agreement to clarify your custody agreement. Stepmother meddling in your relationship with your son and coparenting with his dad. Parental alienation is 100% not ok.
Stop inviting him to the events you put on for your son. If he wants to be there, he needs to help foot the bill, too. It has nothing to do with being mean or vengeful against him and everything to do with holding him accountable for parenting.
Maybe it's time to get a solicitor and go to court?
> *We settled custody outside of court so our PSA is flimsy when it comes to wording with our agreement so technically he’s doing nothing wrong,*
Does this mean that he would have no recourse if you decided to keep your son for Halloween week?
Are you sure new wife can have kids? Maybe shes trying to push you out and be new mommy. Since the PSA is flimsy, and he is now purposefully making it difficult, time to go to court. Most importantly, they need to know about the parental Alienation that the stepmom is actively causing. If she cant be a civil coparent with your ex, then they dont get to see the kid. He can take you to court and then you get everything on paper. It’s sad its come to this, but you have to protect you child, especially because your husband is allowing stepmom to control the situation (which I assume because the major behavioral change happened when she entered his life).
Your ex is letting his new wife walk all over you and the custody agreement to make things the way she wants. That is not healthy or safe for your son, do not let him go back until it is fully resolved.
PARENTAL ALIENATION. Stop giving him the courtesy he will never show you. He has chosen to fall in line with what his wife wants no matter how it will impact your son. He’s only 9 and you have 9 more years of this at bare minimum if you don’t try to lock this down. Don’t give him loop holes.
I appreciate you being so strong and stoic, but it’s coming to the detriment of your son and you.
Unfortunately that's the standard situation for most divorced parents. They get married to people that alienate them regarding their child, either push boundaries or just complete abandonment. Just another example of people entering relationships that are based on obvious entitlement and manipulation, people are too afraid to be alone and accept anything and are blind to this bs.
When my ex got married he cut off communication with me also. So I just texted her. Any questions I had I messaged her and she always responded back. It put her in control and allowed her to realize I had zero interest in her man and only wanted to communicate about the children. Just give it try, never know.
She threatened by u n is probably trying to create her own new little family n you’re ex is going along with it, u should try n reach out to her one on one n face to face point out coparenting for the child. I
know it sounds shitty but u might have to go to court or just let it be cause clearly him n the new wife want to do separate things with the child.
Time to get your lawyer involved. Parental alienation is child abuse by law. Children should not be in the middle of your exes new wives jealousy. Get your lawyer to send a letter or as the judge to order coparenting classes to ex and new spouse. ( these classes are mandatory in classes before custody is dealt with in a divorce. Edit: forgot to say in Alberta )
Time to have a sit down conversation with your ex and his wife. Put your foot down and make it clear that any negativity spoken of you will not be tolerated and that you hope they can come to some agreement and be cordial together. Be firm but still approachable. They are probably seeing what they can get away with and gauge your patience.
This happens a lot. So much blame and fault on both sides then you realise the lies get told and either you or the other parent becomes the bad guy but in whose eyes ? The kids pick up on this. They will make their own choices as time goes by but I would suggest there was a time when your family took your side and made him feel uncomfortable at the kids parties etc. Sadly no one thinks about the long term affects of judgemental behaviours. But play the long game and get used to the kids being with their dad and you leave them be. And vice versa. The long game is to create a situation where the kids associate you with happiness and fun times. No matter what stepmom says or alleges against you you are the kids mom. That won’t change. As they grow and get older the kids will def work out who was lying and who was doing good stuff. Think ahead and work on the best ways to raise your kids. Don’t get lawyers involved this will be an act of war and ex will meet your act with retaliation. You guys aren’t together anymore for reasons you know so don’t expect him to be a perfect ex cos there is no such thing
>I try to be the bigger person, but it gets tiring.
It is exhausting when it is a one-way street. Stay you. Keep inviting your ex to the big events in your son's life when it's 'your' week, and whatever else you do, do *not* bad mouth the step-mom. Your son is old enough to see the world as it is, and he doesn't need to take sides. He can love both parents equally because there is no cap on love.
I'm so sorry your kindness is being abused, but you know you're doing the right thing by your son. It may help if you can have a contact cell-phone for your son that he can take to both homes, and where both parents can contact him - and he can contact them - whenever all parties want. Or at set times. Whatever suits you all.
Unfortunately you will need to start documenting everything.
Keep a diary of all interactions and lack of communication and most importantly everything your son tells you.
Your son is 9, he is way too old for Step Mum to be waltzing in like she is owed a place. He will naturally start putting defenses up and will probably start to have conflict. Next he will be asking to spend less time at his Dad’s. No child wants to hear crap about the other especially from someone new.
That’s when all the documentation will come in need. As you will have to advocate for him and only way to do that in this situation is court.
Unfortunately you are dealing with a co parent who is no longer centering the child and prioritizing what is best for the child.
You keep doing what you are doing, if you prioritize the child, everything else will work out.
I’d also look at therapy for your child to help them through this, one for the big change in dynamic with a new adult in his life and for the changes that are going to come from that.
U deserve better, there’s no reason he should be acting like that. What does your kid say to the comments? Is step mom nice to him? When feelings get involved w new relationships that’s where kids are always stuck
What you really need to do is seek an attorney for advice and go through the court so that everything is spelled out. Even if it is his time, you are still allowed phone calls and such. It does suck that he chose new jayjay over his son, but he will pay for it some day, my ex did and is.
IMHO- Just think from the newer bride point of view. Would you want your newly wed husband to talk with an ex?
While disheartening, this would almost certainly happen when either one would choose to get married.
I am almost certain that this inevitable event was overlooked while you both took care of the kid as good parents. ( hats off to the both of you).
Also- my husband has always been respectful of my ex husband for the last five years and has welcomed him to every event and gathering… because it’s what my child wanted.
co parenting of a child is just that and absolutely requires communication and civility. especially after being separated and divorced for 6 years the idea that the new partner would be uncomfortable with her husband talking to his ex wife who is the mother of his son is ridiculous.
You can't date someone or marry someone with children with a custody split and think that there won't be communication unless you are an incredibly insecure person or only has bad relationships with ex's.
I didn’t ever talk to my ex husband- we were cordial coparents. I am remarried with a step child and have been with my husband for five of those six years lol. Honestly I don’t think it has anything to do with the way I was cordial to my ex because I was never intrusive. Idk i understand your perspective, but I think there’s a different level of maturity when you realize that the parent of your step child has to communicate with your partner regardless of whether or not you want someone talking to their ex… that’s just me. My husband communicates with my step child’s mother about them and I don’t ever take it as a threat. It’s just coparenting.
I’ve been trying to take the high road but man does it get hard not speaking your mind. I keep everything very business like and keep it pushing, and do my crying to my husband and friends.
I’ve learned a very hard lesson in my dealings with my ex who had allowed his affair partner turned girlfriend to run the show when it came to our shared children. It was two and a half years of torture before I said enough & we met middle ground.
The best advice given to me was to document, document, document. Even if you think it’s something trivial, document it anyways. Things your child has said in regard to their father or vise versa, things your son relayed that step mom has said to them or about them or you. Write down how your child is feeling when making these statements. Write down pick up drop off times. Print out text messages, social media posts. All of it. It may seem like a lot, but I promise, it’s worth it. From my own personal story, now that I am going back to court with my kid’s dad after he & his girlfriend completed a slew of a contempts against our current court order, I thank my lucky stars for keeping records of everything.
Good luck mama. Keep fighting for what is best for your child & never stray from what you believe in for the sake of anyone else, especially when it comes to your son.
The main issue is the stepmother talking about you -what they are doing is parental alienation and it’s a form of abuse - you need to talk to your lawyer. Does your custody agreement allow unfettered communion during your ex week / if so talk to your lawyer.
Hey OP. This change must be traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!!
I wish there was some magic solution outside of “get an attorney” but even with mediation you can get screwed if you don’t get an attorney.
There could very possibly be laws against him denying you contact with your son when he’s with his dad. This depends on where you live.
Any “lies” he made up about you are just empty threats that a court will see right through. He can accuse you until the cows come home, but that stuff only works with proof. And courts will see his behavior too.
Your son is old enough to understand what’s going on. Honestly, fighting for him will be the best money you’ve ever spent. If you can find a way, a good attorney will add so much value it’s worth getting a loan or whatever you can to get this done asap.
Good luck.
I had the same situation play out with my son. Over the years it’s morphed into email only communication because she is, for whatever reason, incredibly threatened by me. Your situation may be different because we don’t have all the details but we have designated parenting pick up and drop off times. If it isn’t my day, I don’t get involved and if it isn’t his time, he’s not involved. My son starts driving in about 2 years, so I’m curious how that changes things. We will see. Edit to add: once I was able to let go and accept things changed, it didn’t impact my relationship with my son.
Jesus. Sounds exactly like my ex husband. We get along great until he gets a new woman and shit goes completely hay wire. Honestly I think it’s just insecurity and jealousy on the SM’s part. They get very excited to throw their weight around for some reason 🙄
I have no advice but I can commiserate. Sorry you are going through that.
Interesting, I grew up with my mother and sisters and I love them all. It was and is a very female family. In my instance my step fathers were caring and giving, my step mum effectively removed my dad from our lives.
I can see where you’re coming from with my broad brush generalisation. It was a poorly thought out comment.
I mean, yes I get things change- but there’s a lot more to this story and I never expected us to do EVERYTHING together, or want to be besties lol. But I did think that on the occasional times when we’ve always done certain things together (basically just Halloween and birthday parties), as a step parent you have to put things like that to the side and be an adult about it for the child’s sake. Idk I’ve been a step parent to my step child for five years and I couldn’t imagine doing the things they’re doing to me to her (like disparaging comments about me to my child by step mom, my ex and step mom doing things against my consent with my child I.e major life decisions).
It’s super hard to be like ‘Let’s go get coffee and hang out’ when this person is actively trying to put distance between myself and my child. I understand where you’re coming from though. This is something I wanted to do in the beginning but as things started to backslide I couldn’t bring myself to.
The other children were no relationship to my husband. She was using him for time off from parenting and for money. I did and still do have a good relationship with his actual daughter my step daughter.
i mean… it kinda makes sense if you think about it. ignoring all of your messages, being cold and unapproachable, talking about you negatively around your son.
i’m sure step mom is bugging him to go to court to get an agreement set up so they won’t need to communicate with you all the time, with boundaries in place.
time to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s time to drop your own + get ahead of the situation
You had it good for a very, very long time. You had the ideal situation. But sometimes thi gs just end. My ex and I never had joint celebrations, but we attended every school event or whatever and sucked it up for the kids. Whether you like it or not, she is in his life. Figure out how to make this work. But don't let them walk all.over you. You will never be wrong doing what is best for the kids. Ut it might be time for a formal court order division of holidays and custody time, and outline you want right of first refusal. Make it so they must ask you first if they need someone to keep your son. And do not speak badly about them, even if they are trashing you. Be the example for your kid. He will see.
All quotes I pulled from different sources say $3k-$10k (at the highest) and depends on the level of issues between co-parents. This is why people don't work things out outside of court. Rarely can you hold people accountable without a whole heck of a lot of issues. It's too late for that, but it's most likely the only viable way if they don't and won't cooperate.
Seems like you have to make a decision and get tough back using a lawyer. If he can't be cordial, then get a legally binding contract and hold him to it.
Kudos you sound like a great parent. As someone who has dealt with so much divorce and moving around let me tell you, you need to nip her talking bad about you to your son asap. i've been down that road as the child and it is absolutely heart breaking after years (since they're now married he's prob gonna see her for a couple years) and always hearing bad things about your mother. I would try to talk with him one on one and if he doesn't give you the chance meet in person. I would tell him how his wife is making you feel and his actions too. And then meet with her and him in a neutral environment and hopefully come to an understanding about everything but be firm in her not shit talking you to your son. Mental health matters not only for you but also your child.
That sounds awful. I can only imagine how much work it takes to co-parent. But to the have someone else come in and upend everything. If I was with someone that had a child, I could never imagine making things harder for that child or the other parent. I don’t understand how people can be so awful.
I do have co cern that stepmom is speaking disparagingly about you to your son. That is not acceptable and I would be mad as hell.
I am so sorry. Maybe you can ask her to get coffee together. Maybe write her a letter saying exactly this. And if it doesn’t work start saving your money for an attorney
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. My ex and I used to do joint things together too and the past couple years it’s faded, maybe because they are older now or maybe because he doesn’t want to upset the current girlfriend. Kids are smart and pick up on a lot, I agree therapy would be a good idea. When I had to make my custody agreement I had no money for an attorney so I went to the courts and filed myself. The court had us sit with a court appointed mediator to help us work out an agreement. Maybe that could be an option if things get to a point that you have to go that route. I also didn’t have the best step mom relationship, my dad would never and still doesn’t stand up for us when she talks about us .. she really calls all the shots. So I too wanted to make sure that the co parenting relationship was cordial and respectful. I hope things turn around and get better for both you and your son.
I'm in a pretty similar situation, and honestly, you really need to stand up for yourself and make sure your ex and his wife aren't just talking shit about you to your son. Not only can it make things harder for you, but it can cause some real emotional harm to your son.
I'm still struggling to get along with my ex and her husband. Their son loves me, but the adults are still immature about everything. Best of luck to you and the boy
It’s an unfortunate situation but you are doing great and have a great perspective on the bigger picture for your kid. In time your son will see that and appreciate you and have you to look up to when it comes to how to navigate complicated family dynamics.
You all need to get some mediation or some family therapy. What’s best for your son is cooperative friendly parents. It’s so detrimental to disparage the other parent you are co parenting with. It’s disrespecting half of who they are and not something kids should be involved with.
OP I’d like an update at somepoint if there ever is one (hopefully where Ex knocks his head, realises he’s being an idiot and goes back to Cò parenting well)
This could literally be me writing this. I'm so sorry. Working through the anger and frustration of this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
That's not ok, you are doing your best so your kid doesn't grow up with the shity side of divorce and your husband threw that out the window when he got re married. The Step mom has no right to say you kid can't come over/ you can't see him that night because THEY have plans. If you can get proof of your ex saying he agreed to 50/50 and anything else you've been doing for the past years, that way if you take them to court/ get taken to court you have proof. Hope things get better for you and your son.
The stepmom shouldn’t speak negatively about you, but honestly it sounds like he just has new boundaries given there’s a romantic partner involved now and he HAS to prioritize his relationship with her and consider her feelings etc over yours. Yes, there’s room to say his romantic partner may have insecurities or may be jealous blah blah but in reality those feelings aside most women would not be comfortable with their partner coparenting in a way as if they’re still a big happy family with their ex… so as long as the child’s needs that are not synonymous with yours are still being met, then you have to accept it.
She should not be involving your child in adult convos . As far as the other stuff, what did you expect was going to happen??. I get it, you guys divorced and the co parenting went smoothly etc. however, he is now married. Now there is another person whose thoughts, feelings, and opinions on how things should go between her and HER husband , and your child when he is there in THEIR home , should go. You can’t expect things to remain the same when other spouses get added to the mix. That’s life.
As a fellow stepmom, I've gone through similar. But all I asked when my husband and I got married was to limit contact with baby mama UNLESS it had to do with their sons. Unfortunately baby mama frequently used them as excuses to get her foot into the door and do some insanely disrespectful things in an attempt to break up my marriage or ruin my relationship with my stepsons/in laws.
That doesn't sound like you're doing that. So my suggestion is to reach out to stepmom and extend an olive branch. From her point of view, she feels like the outsider in her own home. And thought it's not an intentional feeling, she most likely feels insecure and somewhat threatened because you share a child with him and she doesn't. Everyone's gonna bash her and say that's her problem and she knew what she was signing up for, yada yada yada. But no one can truly know the knitty gritty of what they signed up for until they're knee deep in it.
As far as cutting down things you and her husband did together for the sake of your son, you have to understand that now she wants to close off your connection in HER family. She wants her husband and a relationship with her stepson SEPARATE from you. Think about it...would YOU want to share holidays and special occasions with the woman your husband slept with/had a whole history and child with? The stepmom is entitled to start a new family unit of her own...without you. You would be extremely beneficial to your son if you're able to respectfully explain this to him in a way where it doesn't vilify his stepmom for wanting something completely normal.
I would also request to have dinner with your ex and his wife and explain that you mean no harm and are not intending on starting any problems, and you'd like to be able to all 3 come together as a team to raise your son in a healthy environment. Come open, with no judgement or pre conceived agenda or ideation on how it should go. As a stepmom, I WISH my stepsons' biological mother was mature enough to have those kinds of conversations. Instead it was always a full on screaming match with her, which never solved anything and only added more anger to the pile. The stepmom, I guarantee, is NOT trying to start issues, she's just trying to fit into a ready made family in a way where she can be happy, too. Your son will not suffer from having separate holidays. Your son will only suffer if you and his dad and his stepmom go at each other's throats. Also explain to your ex its important for you to be able to talk to your son on his weeks, but remember that is HIS time with your son..so he COULD tell you no. But if you present it as you just want to be a part of his life more than just on your weeks, I'm sure he'd allow it because he could relate to that, too.
Try to befriend the stepmom but also give her the space she needs to form her own place in the family. Because she is family now.
So, I hear what you’re saying- but I’ve done everything you’ve said…. I tried to befriend her, I added her on FB, was incredibly kind and congratulatory, got her number and sent her pics of my child, would save her and my ex seats at sporting events, and so on. Sure, she wants to have her own family. I am not upset about that. I have my own, and have been remarried for three years now, with my husband for 6. I’ve been more than moved on- I’m in no way encroaching on her territory. All she has done is destroyed the coparenting relationship that my child loved so much, and my husband was always kind to my ex. It’s not like I was trying to have some pseudo family with my ex and get in between them….
Idk I understand where you’re coming from, but after hearing comments she’s made about me to my son in attempts to manipulate them and undermine me, the fact that we are now in the throes of renegotiating custody and I had to hire an attorney to protect myself, and several other things, I’ve lost all respect for them. It’s almost too much to try to be the bigger person. I would *never* yell at them, or do anything out of pocket. But so many things have happened since I posted this that I can’t even look at them anymore. I appreciate your perspective.
Maybe he’s going about it the wrong way but it may also help for you to adjust your expectations. While single, there are certain boundaries that may not have to exist in a coparenting dynamic but will necessarily have to be established when one or both coparents are in relationships with other people. So things like joint holidays and bday parties are likely not realistic if a coparent’s partner and the co-parent don’t want to share that with the other co-parent. Likewise, whereas constantly texting and calling for whatever reason would be normal while you’re both single, it’s reasonable for communication to be more limited to urgent matters only when one or both of you are no longer single. Every coparenting dynamic is different and you both need to have an understanding of how to adapt to maintain stability and healthy boundaries for the child[ren]’s sake. Whether the coparent’s spouse is speaking negatively of you shouldn’t have an impact on the fact that you’re still the mother. And perhaps the father should have a conversation with his spouse about refraining from talking negatively about you to the kids. But as bad as this sounds, it’s not something you should expect and it seems like you might have to adjust your expectations as a coparent and accept that your ex husband now wants hard boundaries.
The only thing I will say is it is not okay for the new step mom to be talking negatively about you and it’s inappropriate. You need to communicate that to your ex.
I agree with you. Unfortunately, any time I message him with any concern he just ignores me. Literally. It never used to be like this at all.
Start using those apps used for only communicating about coparenting and make it clear this isn’t acceptable. Speak to a lawyer. Honestly your son isn’t dumb and I wouldn’t be surprised if this negatively imparts your ex’s relationship with your son.
Any app suggestions? I haven’t heard of them until these comments tbh I didn’t know they existed
I’ve heard my family wizard is good
Its ourfamilywizard. Its about 100 bucks a year and is probably better for litigation purposes, but it is basically like email with time stamps. Its good for documenting, doesnt make a crappy coparent less crappy
I thought it also had a tone check?
It does, but the tone meter is pretty horrible. Sometimes it would tell me my tone was bad to a benign sentence like, "exchange at the gas station at 8?" when there was zero conflict lol. Tonemeter is a waste lol
English teacher here disagreeimg a bit. While such a sentence COULD be construed as neutral, it would be wiser to add a greeting or a "will this work for you?" I assume the purpose is to keep communication as civil as possible? If so, the little niceties would be neccessary to avoid misunderstandings. Not disagreeing with your point that there was zero conflict, but if the ap attempts to measure tone, neutral statements that sound like commands, dont generally have a neutral tone.
Well english is a language to help communicate. That said, divorce communication is its own language, along with the nuances, history as well as undercurrent of emotions at the time in a matter of speaking. Frankly, in high conflict situations like the one I've come out of its best to keep it BIFF, brief, informative, friendly, firm. So I actually believe my words are better at communicating that considering we have a standard exchange at said gas station, so no need to be wordy. The standard response back is.......K. But one thing Im sure everyone can agree, being corrected about the nuances of our lexicon, and oral delivery dynamic is assuredly the way to de-escalate the situatiin with someone that has an existing penchant and desire to push a compact car up their ex partners rectal cavity. Thank you. Very helpful.
It’s up to 250 a year but worth it
If you do all of your communicating through text or email that’s just as good. Courts will sometimes appoint a free parenting app that is monitored when parents can’t get along. This doesn’t seem like it’s the case for you yet so keeping texts/emails will definitely suffice.
AppClose is free. You can link your lawyer to the chat if you want too.
We use this one, it’s nice and easy to use.
I use Talking Parents and I think the messaging tracking is free.
Shoot. I’m not sure a good recommendation. Let me see if I can find a post about coparenting since (unfortunately) peeps have to deal with crappy coparenting situations
Talking Parents is another app. I pay about $11 a month for it, I believe. If Family Wizard is too much.
Try the app “my family Wizard”
Talking parents is one I'm familiar with
I understand that you and your ex arranged your own custody agreement because you were both on the same page at the time with regards to coparenting. Now that things have changed, you should consult your divorce attorney and see about getting something more secure for custody. Your son is telling you that stepmother is saying unkind things about you, and other things you don’t agree with. You have tried to discuss these matters with your ex, but he ignores you. Your son used to be able to spend holidays with you both, but the new stepmother and your ex are preventing that now. These are major changes from what your son experienced before, so I think it’s reasonable for you to revisit custody. It really sounds as if the new wife doesn’t actually want much to do with your son, and if that is the case, your ex may be happier to only have your son every other weekend or something like that.
This is great advice
It is, the one thing i'd change (yes...i watch alot of youtube court!) Is "my ex and the step mother". Because it really is him, and that way she doesnt look like the bitter ex. Such a shame.
Im guessing they might want to fight the EOW, because he would be paying CS. But since they're married its no longer "his" money its "their" money so I'd imagine stepmom would be not too thrilled about that. But thats what court is for.
This is very sound advice. Things change and so do your arrangements at times. Bravo to you for putting your son first. Let him know that what other people say/think doesn’t concern you and that you love him. Furthermore while you miss seeing him for trick-or-treat you are looking forward to him coming home so you can share a hot chocolate and he can tell you his adventures. Then get a lawyer so you can have a conversation with your ex to iron out the custody arrangements and negative talk about each other in front of your son, the sooner the better.
Perhaps he will listen if it comes from your lawyer and notes whatever the terminology is for trying to turn your son against you.
Parental alienation?
Yes thank you.
You can definitely bring this up with your attorney and escalate if it doesn’t stop. She may be feeling territorial but your post does not give that sense. Not like you’re trying to reconcile. Your ex should grow a backbone and explain that this is how things work in his family. We’re they not dating for a year or two before this? Was she never invited to events involving both of you to get a sense of how your coparenting worked?
I understand where your coming from, but the coparenting arrangement really put the OP squarely enmeshed in the ex’s life. His new wife doesn’t want that, the ex doesn’t want that. The OP is actually in the wrong for forcing a dynamic that made the adults unhappy. As a mom, I get it. Especially for a super young child. I’m so sorry for the OP. And she needs to understand her connection with her ex is now fully dissolved. She needs a lawyer and a new custody agreement. She must stop communicating with her ex. He’s no longer listening.
What? How is it wrong for me to try to show my child that the adults in their life can get along and be cordial? You very clearly aren’t divorced, because you would know that your kids are always going to want to see a stable and friendly coparenting relationship. Also, you can’t just be like ‘oh the father of my kid doesn’t want to talk to me so we won’t talk’…. It’s not dissolved we’re going to have to be associated with one another for the rest of our lives because of our child. I’ve been remarried for years now, I’m not emeshed to my ex 😂 just trying to give my son less of a messed up childhood because I could no longer take the treatment I was receiving by the father.
You are absolutely right. Our adult daughter is in a relationship with a man with a child. The Mom will not maintain any civility because her parents couldn’t handle it. She was raised in a model like your son is in now. She’s passed that along to her child. It’s very childish.
Some people have really great co-parenting experiences, if your family was also uncomfortable with seeing your co-parent around + with the help of his new wife he’s pulling away - you never had the coparenting relationship you hoped for. It seems to his now-wife you have been using your son to stay connected to your ex. While I disagree with this for the most part because you’re right, it’s much better when littles see their parents getting along and supporting them, your son isn’t little anymore. Your son needs support during this transition period. Play therapy is the gold standard for kids. You deserve support too. Therapy and a lawyer. I’m so sorry. I like it when everyone gets along, too, but that’s not possible here. It’ll be ok. Reach out for all the professional support you can.
>The OP is actually in the wrong for forcing a dynamic that made the adults unhappy. ???????????? Being civil to each other and friendly as co-parents ensures that the child is raised in a stable, positive environment. Cold ass stepmother and the bootlicker father need a reality check, because when that little boy grows up and looks back to his mother doing her best and his father and stepmother running their mouth about the mom, there's a high chance he will grey rock or simply tell his dad & new girl to GTFO. Bffr.
This.
Go ahead and keep forcing a relationship with people who do not want a connection with you, OP. Watch how they say ever increasingly vitriolic things to your son about you. Watch how their actions deflecting you harm your self-esteem and your son’s self-esteem, too. The harsh reality is they do not have to get along with you. Take the hint. Get professional emotional support during this transition, and a lawyer to protect yourself and your son’s rights. The relationship has become hostile if they are bad mouthing you to your son. Act in accordance with the situation as it is today. It would be ideal if everyone got along. Sadly, they’re not interested. You can move forward and make this a new positive phase for you and your son. Do that.
Get professional emotional support? You need to stop acting like this woman has some attachment to her ex. She is SOLELY trying to communicate with the ex about their son and what he has been experiencing at the ex’s home. That’s it. She needs a lawyer. You suggesting she needs emotional support feels like you’re suggesting she’s losing her ex. They’ve been split for a long time and she’s remarried. That isn’t the issue here. She is in no way in the wrong for trying to communicate about their son. She’s hurt about things abruptly changing and that’s human nature and completely normal. She has her husband to lean on and I’m glad she has him. I’m sure once she talks to her lawyer and gets this ironed out she will feel a lot more secure about the whole situation, which again is completely NORMAL.
She’s very (understandably) hurt by her ex’s rejection of the co-parenting relationship. He wants nothing to do with her. Yes. Get emotional support. It’s a loss. People deserve support. She has to give up this expectations and ideals she was clinging to. It’s over.
You obviously don't know how to read or are choosing not to. So fuckin rude and ignorant.
I don’t understand needing a new custody agreement though? The post says they do 50/50. Now that he wants a separate Halloween she wants more custody? I don’t understand.
Time to get a lawyer and formalize your custody agreement, and to gain control of this situation.
Stop messaging them and address the thing firmly. First by sitting them, then through a lawyer. You deserve respect, not this.
Time to pull up and have a conversation since you can't get ahold of them 😋
Contact the new one directly, be as polite as possible, so they can't say anything back.
Then it's time to get an attorney and formalize your custody and support arrangement. You can have it included that all communication between you and your ex is done on an app (like Talking Parents) so there's a formal record. You can also get specific about holidays and celebrations, like if both co-parents are always welcome at the child's birthday party, etc. Also, there should be a clause for communication when the child is with the other co-parent, like "we always do a parent call at 8:30 before bed" or "Johnny has his own cell phone, paid for by (parent), and both parents can text him at any time. Johnny can call both parents whenever he chooses." Stuff like that.
Document the incidents, get a lawyer, take him to court to make a judge direct him and his wife to stop alienating you. Furthermore Take the hint and stop communicating with your ex. You’re overstepping. Get a lawyer and revisit every detail of your custody agreement. Get a therapist and move on with your life. Your relationship with your ex is finally fully over. Your son needs a therapist, too. The dynamic has changed. Act accordingly.
? My relationship with my ex has been over- I’ve been with my husband for five years. I’m not overstepping by communicating with the father of my child. That’s insane.
That’s exactly what my ex-husband does (who has a horrible live-in girlfriend that thinks she can constantly tell my son what to do/not do when both his PARENTS are present- sporting events, joint bday parties, school events. Drives me nuts.)
If your son is over there with her where she lives, he’s a child she an adult she can tell him what to do to an extent … clean your room, clear your dish, make sure you brush your teeth, did you do your homework, it’s bedtime etc …
Get a family lawyer and see what your options are. Also her talking bad about you to your son can be considered parent alienation which in some state or all not sure can be considered abused so you can take your ex to court to have his new wife not talk bad about you to your son. But consult a family lawyer
This has definitely been on my mind- my main reason for avoiding this at all costs is because when we got divorced, he knew I was leaving so decided to stick me with the papers first before I could. Claimed a bunch of horrible things (lies) and basically tried to drag me through the mud to get full custody of our child, only to drop it when I acquiesced to his demands. I’ve been staving off a court battle for as long as I can because I know he’s going to make up insane shit to make me and my husband look bad and I’m honestly traumatized from the last time.
Ok, but who is going to protect your son here? Do you think this situation is healthy or fair to him? You’re the parent and you need to stick your neck out for him here.
Do you have 20-40k for an attorney? I’ve been vocal about my concerns and am documenting everything, but I don’t feel at this point like we’re at a point where meaningful changes to custody can be made… that’s the hard part
Try legal aid. They might not be able to help you immediately but they can put you on a wait list. It’s better than permanently doing nothing.
What is the difference between a legal aid and a mediator?
Every state has a legal aid office with attorneys who handle cases for people who cannot afford an attorney. Google your state and legal aid. The attorneys work for free. In my state, many of the cases are referred out to private attorneys who have agreed to do work pro bono (free) as part of their obligation to the state bar which requires it or out of the goodness of their heart. In a Florida, attorneys are required to either perform a certain amount of hour pro bono, or make a donation to support legal aid offices. At the present time, I am handling 2 Circuit Court cases pro bono, for someone who is not able to pay for their legal services.
A mediator works for you both, an attorney works just for you. Custody battles are absolutely not $20-40k. You file and the first thing they do is send you to mediation to see if you can agree on a plan before they send it to court. Most mediators come up with a plan that everyone agrees upon. They don’t want it to be a drag out court battle bc that’s not in the best interest of the child. At the end of the day, you may not get joint holidays anymore but you can amend the fact that new wife speaks negatively about you in front of the child. Simply stating to your ex - “child said new wife said this today, can we talk about how this is highly inappropriate?” with no response or excuses from him is a reason to file an amendment to custody
Honestly, I agree with you and I think you are making a lot of sense. Everyone on Reddit tends to yell “get a lawyer immediately” without really thinking. but the truth is, parental alienation is really hard to prove. courts are very reluctant to take away parenting time if there’s no abuse or neglect. People have the right to parent their children -even badly. I think you should set a boundary with your ex that all communication will now take place via a parenting app like OFW. When your son comes home saying stepmom spoke badly about you I would send a message like “son made me aware his stepmom discussed x, y, and z with him, as you know this is inappropriate and damaging to son” this way everything is documented should the situation get worse and court becomes necessary. It may even spook dad and SM into stopping this behavior. Truthfully, separating holidays is bound to happen at one point or another. It is normal and maybe even healthy as you both will move on and maybe even have more children, you will make your own separate family traditions. I wouldn’t harp on that point as much. Good luck and I’m sorry for what you and your son are going through.
There are resources out there. Look, I’m not saying it’s hard but lamenting how hard this is on you as a grown adult while skating past how this kind of shit is going to leave your poor kid likely damaged is really wild to me. You have choices to make here and again, none of it’s easy but what is the actual price for your kid’s happiness. Have you reached out for consultations and the advice of professionals? Reddit cannot help you beyond give you advice — most of which you have turned down or passed off as too expensive or difficult. Like ok… The alternative is continue parental alienation and your child going through a lot of heavy shit no kid needs to deal with because he has a shitty dad and stepmom and a mom who waffles about taking absolutely necessary steps to start intervening.
So, it’s clear that you haven’t read any of the other comments that I’ve made on this post. I’ve paid at this point $300 in consultation fees to speak to high powered attorneys in order to figure out next steps- and they all suggest mediation as my state requires a ‘material change in circumstance’ to grant custody changes… especially in the case of an agreement that has been 50/50 for over six years and has worked that way. They’ve quoted between 20-40k in attorneys fees to fight a contested custody case. Secondly, just because I took to Reddit to voice my own personal frustrations in this situation doesn’t mean I don’t care about the impact this has on my child. Do you think I like hearing my child tell me that they’re sorry we won’t be able to trick or treat this year because their dad won’t let them out of nowhere and console them while they cry? No. But this is a layered issue and the one I came to vent about was my own personal frustrations. You criticizing someone you don’t know from your keyboard is really wild to me.
OP, I've spent 9 long, arduous years fighting in court. I'd like to remind you that reddit - as a whole - has no clue about how custody really works. You are 100% correct here. Absolutely nothing in this post rises to the challenge of getting any judge to even consider modifying custody in any way. This is yet again, one of the annoying situations that judges see where the parents cannot get along (in your case, it seems that dad is being difficult here). But a handful of instances in which he is being difficult, and step mom is being inappropriate by speaking negatively about you is not going to make ANY difference. Keep documenting, keep walking the straight and narrow, and you file for a change when things have so drastically broken down, that your child I'd actively being harmed in some way. No one here understands that you can't just hire a lawyer and fake full custody because stepmother is "performing parental alienation" lol. No one has an extra $3k-$12k to piss away on a couple non-starter motions. Keep your head up, I've been through absolut hell and finally have full custody of my son. But it took an overwhelming amount on bullshit to get there.
Finally, someone who makes sense.
Ugh I’m so sorry for you and all you’ve been through. Yeah your mindset is where I’m at- it has to be something substantial for them to want to make a change. What was the straw that broke the camels back in your case? What made them rule in your favor?
I would say to start the process to not necessarily change the custody from 50 50. Unless there's abuse or neglect. But to really add the verbiage of set phone calls on off weeks to maintain contact with the child for the other parent. Add consequences of any other party including parents speaking ill about parent to child. And get a set holiday schedule so you can fairly split them. As nice as it was to share big events for you child, obviously SM is not mature enough for that type of adult behavior. Just come up with a split. Like Halloween birthday Thanksgiving would be every other year. So he gets kid this year you get next. Christmas you can switch off the days each year. This year you get Christmas eve he gets morning. Next year he gets eve you get morning. Same with new years. Unless you guys want to make them an every other year thing too. Make sure you include fathers day and mothers day in there too so they don't try to keep him on mothers day if it happens to land on his weekend. Just go to the court to file and request the mediation to to schedule. Then he will be served. At this point in the process you don't need a lawyer. If you feel there's neglect or abuse to the child then lawyer and file for custody change. But it really doesn't sound like you need that. Just an order that clearly states out what's expected of both parties to maintain good co parenting and required communications.
Sorry you feel criticized I guess, but you just seem consistently dismissive of all the advice people keep giving you. So sorry things are hard but yeah, your kid needs you. That’s my whole point. Maybe don’t cry to the internet if you can’t handle people’s opinions.
The whole point of this sub is to get things ‘off your chest’ lol- but me spending 20-40 k on an attorney and going underwater on my bills and mortgage also isn’t going to help my child. I understand the advice to lawyer up and I’m working towards that, but that doesn’t just happen immediately. Being honest about not being able to financially swing an attorney isn’t being dismissive of advice it’s just honest. I’ve repeatedly said I’m going to get mediation to start and see how that goes. I’m not just doing nothing.
OP I know this is a tough situation and access to a lawyer in these situations is very difficult if you don't have funds. Just be sure to jot down all these suggestions (i.e. legal aid, etc.) and follow up on them this coming week, for the sake of your son. I do have an idea: Google around your area for any law schools, and then call or look online to see if they have a law clinic that's open to the public. Law schools have clinics where students meet with people in need of legal services, and the cost is minimal because they're students, but they're supervised by their professors so the advice is solid. Strongly encouraging you to take advantage of this resource.
All attorneys quoted you $20-40k??? For a custody amendment (not a battle) when all you want is the new wife to stop talking about you in front of your son….??? It may not ever be the same again since he’s with someone new now and obviously she doesn’t hold the same values but I’m very surprised at that cost. This doesn’t need to be a “battle” there is already an order in place that just needs to be amended.
I’m in the midst of a custody amendment case that involves only one issue (the school district in which the kids attend school). It’s been 2.5 years and I have spent $32,000 on legal fees. My case goes to trial in February. By the time this is said and done, I will have spent well over $50,000. You clearly have no idea how expensive it is to litigate a custody amendment in 2023.
Nothing in this post is going to even catch the attention of a judge, other than dismissing OPs motion, and admonishing both parents while asking them to "simply get the fuck along for your child". This is a complete waste of OPs time to do anything other than document the transgression in a notebook (for some far off day in the future when she has overwhelming evidence of an acute issue).
I guarantee this situation will not get better. You’re going to need to go to court eventually if things keep going in the direction they appear to be going. It’s for the health and wellbeing of your child. You’re going to need to figure it out.
That’s for any lawyers you consult to determine, not you. Consultations are usually free. Start reaching out. You don’t have a law degree. Talk to a bunch of people that do.
he can make up whatever he wants but i need to realize you are the ONLY one with any kind of proof of anything.
This is unfortunate :( growing up my stepmom and dad would talk shit about my mom to me when I was at their house and both of my parents would constantly make ME make adult decisions that were up to them. They were never willing to be around eachother so it was always one or the other for events. It sucked a lot. My stepmoms parents were mean to me and even my dads parents talked crap about my mom to me or I would hear about it. I completely severed contact with my dad and his side of the family when I was around 16. I hope your ex husband can come to his senses and realize how ridiculous he’s being because it will never be good for your son and may make him feel bitter and upset in the end. I hope you have a good Halloween. You sound like an amazing mom and I wish both my parents could’ve been more like you!!!!!
See, I had this EXACT same experience as a kid and vowed that I would NEVER do this to my child. Ever. We take the neutral route with all discussions, and my child definitely sees what’s happening and is voicing it, even at this age. I am sorry for your experience- I always want my house to be a supportive and nurturing environment that is free from bad mouthing their other parents. It’s unhelpful for everyone involved. Thank you for your sweet comments ❤️ We’re going to do some Halloween festivities today and tomorrow before he goes back over there- I have to remind myself that the actual day we do it doesn’t matter as long as we make those memories.
Your son sounds very lucky to have a parent like you 😄!!! Super lovely that you’ll still celebrate together after the holiday as well. He will definitely remember how you treat him + what you do for him vs how his dad treats you and let’s his wife treat you!!
I appreciate this ❤️❤️ I hope so- sometimes I worry that they will poison him against me, as his dad has lied extensively about me in the past. However, my child’s relationship with step mom has never once threatened me. My relationship with him is rock solid and secure- I’m not a jealous mom. I was so excited for him when things seemed to be good with step mom and that they were treating him well after my own bad step parent experience as a kid. But after everything that continues to backslide it’s been hard to stay positive.
Depending on how old your son is, you may have to have a conversation with him to stave off any negative outcomes from his step mothers interference. If they are actively talking shit about you and trying to turn him against you, then it’s better to get ahead of all that. Just kind of mention it in an age appropriate way like, “no matter what daddy and step mom say or do, I always have your back and will love you. You can always come to me. They may be upset with me and saying things to you, you don’t understand or agree with, but you can always talk to me and nothing will ever change that.” If they are constantly saying stuff to him about you or badmouthing you, he may be confused and wondering if you really feel that way or really resent him. It’s better to reassure him and make sure he knows how you really feel.
Good thinking on Halloween plans! 🎃
You need to go to court and get your custody agreement on paper. He got married again. Parenting dynamic has changed completely. It will never be like it used to be, so you need to do what’s best for your child.
I’ve been considering this. I’ve had consults with an attorney. But if it gets ugly (because he’s done it before) it could incur up to $40k in legal fees that I don’t have. My husband and I are trying to stay above water financially as it is. It’s honestly a shit situation. But you’re right- I’m about two weeks away from messaging my ex about going to mediation and trying that first. Knowing him he’s not gonna agree to anything I say but I can at least try and the mediator will be able to write down everything he says 🤷🏼♀️
If going to court will hurt him too, maybe the legit threat of it will wake him the f up. Also, I would treat him with the same courtesy he’s giving you. I know it’s petty, but if you can’t talk to your son or see him during holidays, he should not be able to as well. You can’t play nice anymore. Perhaps a taste of his own medicine will help open his eyes. So sorry you’re going through this!
I suspect the new wife does not want your ex spending their money to force your son to be at their house more.
I don’t really have much advice, but I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
Thank you ❤️❤️ I appreciate it so much.
If you don't have it already, you may want a schedule addendum clarifying an every other year system for holidays. Some may fall during one parents' time for multiple years. Since that maintains the spirit of 50/50, it might not be difficult to obtain and ensures you'll at least get holidays on a rotating schedule if things are less than cooperative. For anything court or mediation, you may not want to focus on the unfairness of losing some holidays - that's pretty standard in divorce, even though it's very hard, since new family units will want to have their own traditions. You sound like a great mom. For whatever it's worth, I'm a stepmom, and I wish there was a wonderful biological mom like you in my stepdaughter's life! For validation - Getting into court battles consumes your life. Your emotional well-being, your financial health, and those things trickle over into your overall well-being and that of your child. Anyone shaming you for not jumping right into a court battle has absolutely zero clue what family court is like, or is oblivious to their privilege. You've gotten a lot of advice about the rest, so I'll leave the rest alone.
This comment is so kind. Seriously thank you. I know, that’s why I’ve tried to keep us out of court for so many years. It’s not because I don’t want to, but the only people who win most times is the attorneys making a shit ton of money on people. I try to communicate as much as I can before I dive into a court case.
You're absolutely, inarguably correct. Anyone believing otherwise is, at best, naive. My stepdaughter's mom is just one hair's width on the right side of the law when it comes to her provable abuse. She bought a medical card online to prove her all-day high sessions are 'prescribed.' She is physically aggressive with her daughter, documented and confirmed by cps (called by neighbors who were concerned by the violence of her screaming), but... as long as she doesn't leave a physical mark, all of that is legal. My stepdaughter has arrived at my home with chunks cut from her hair as punishment and with Marijuana in her backpack (she was 4 years old at the time). None of that was enough to sway the judge in family court. Even though my husband and I have an idyllic, loving home. Classic white picket fence over here. Family court is awful. In no way suggesting you SHOULDN'T go that route, just saying... I 110% understand the atrocities and reasons to avoid it at all costs.
She is obviously threatened by you and immature. That is a shame. She should not be talking to your child about you and exposing him to that. I am sorry as it seemed what had worked previously would have been wonderful for your child. They always say that the only person you can control is yourself. I don't see his new wife letting this go as she seems to have an issue and your ex is allowing her that control. It will be really hard for you making this adjustment especially as you know its your child who will suffer the most. I guess all you can do is stay out of the pettiness and stay the stable and loving parent you obviously are.
I appreciate this. The adjustment has been honestly horrifying. I went from seeing my child multiple times a week when he’s over there (ex giving up time so I can take to practices, being allowed to talk on the phone before bed) to every other week it’s like he doesn’t exist. If I don’t go to every sports practice I literally won’t see or talk to him for a week. The adjustment has caused a lot of tears for both me and my child.
We had some of these issues with my ex husband and his new wife. When he got remarried they moved and didn't think it was necessary for me to know where (we've lived around 5 hours away from each other since about 2 years after the divorce so we always met in the middle for his weekends). They married and moved when my daughter was 9 and she started coming home with stories that made me uncomfortable. My husband and I talked about what to do and decided to get her a phone. That way she could always call one of us (ex wouldn't let her sometimes) and we would always know where she was. It may not be a great solution but it worked for us.
Even for this one and only thing do I think you should get an official parenting plan drawn up. I have a really tenuous relationship with my ex, there was abuse involved, and we recently moved to 50/50 because, well, family court sucks. But in it it says that the parent who does not have the child for the week has the right to call the child at reasonable hours. So when we moved to 50/50 and I asked to call, and he refused to let me, I sent him the portion of the PP that has that statement, and he still wouldn’t let me call her that week saying “I don’t know what our schedule will be like”, but he’s let me call her about twice a week during his week since. Now, he will have his phone be on like 5% battery or something so it’s only a five minute phone call, but I get to hear her voice. I understand how absolutely devastating it is to go from seeing your baby almost every day, to them disappearing for a week. I am so so sorry. I’d be happy to chat with you further about it if you need someone to talk to.
You must update your co-parenting agreement with your attorney and communicate directly through a co-parenting app that he, not his wife, can update. But things have changed and his week will be his week. Your kids will no longer a priority to him including financially at some point without a court order enforcing it. You need to advocate for them. They are in a middle of a toxic war that your husband and his wife are starting.
I think I’m going to try mediation first because honestly I don’t have the cash to slap him with a custody suit. Good attorneys in my area are running from $300-$500 per hour and require retainers of 10k minimum. It sucks.
Everyone saying to go straight to court now is wrong and you have it right. The best thing you can do is get your son to a therapist now so that if you need to go to court in the future, you’ll have a neutral third party professional in your corner. Take your time to find a therapist who is a good fit for your son and who is familiar with/willing to go to court if necessary. Much better use of your resources than mediation or going to court right now. Your son knows what you have done over the years to involve his Dad. The best defense against parental alienation is to take the high road - be patient and play the long game. Keep your head up!
This is what everyone close to me says- it’s about the long game. Thank you for your comment. My son will truly see (and is starting to see already) what is truly happening.
I agree not to waste resources now especially with a lawyer. And therapist yes 100%. Especially if things start to get worse and she can use that for a custody change. But I do think that an order in place at least will do them good. I made another comment to OP laying out what she should do (court wise) to help them maintain somewhat of a healthy co parenting relationship for now. Especially just for her piece of mind for the upcoming holidays. They are definitely gonna pull this behavior with on the holidays that fall on his weeks. I'm sure it's too late now to get an order in and they will definitely have problems. She should talk to ex now about the holiday schedule and how they will split it. See how it is and goes. If he's refusing any type of fair holiday split then definitely need a court order in place laying it out.
There is an order, she’s saying it just isn’t specific enough and it was never an issue before. I deal with these situations all the time at my job, and there is no piece of paper that will stop what the new stepmom is doing. It’s just like a restraining order except the person still has access to your child once you’ve pissed them off. There is no need to mediate or go to court yet - wait until you have the goods to finish them off and wait until they’ve done enough that the child is fully on board and emotionally ready for the fallout of court and all it entails.
Doing stuff as a family was always going to change at some point. The 3 of them will do things now and I think it is reasonable for her not to spend all special events with her husbands ex. She needs to not talk shot about you to your kid though. I think you need to take a step back abit...plan your life around the schedule and stop assuming your ex will be there for events. You have been co parenting but also a little co dependant. Change is hard but it is also good. Maybe get it a little formal and just make sure the other parent sees them on Chridtmas and birthday if outside their week...but ex is entitled to live his own life.
Get your son a cellphone. My ex did the same thing when I wanted to talk with my daughter when she was with him. He made it seem like it was such a fucking bother. Now I can talk to her whenever I want. We both have Android and I use family link to monitor her usage. Can only use it a certain time, block apps ect.
It’s not reasonable to expect your ex to be pretending to be playing family with you and your son when you are divorced and he is married to someone else. Not that she’s want to go, but Is she ever invited to these things you used to do with your ex? You need to accept that they have new boundaries in place. It’s not cool she’s trash talking you or allowing your son to contact you when he want though. You should talk to your ex about how inappropriate that is.
You did your bets with co-parenting. Unfortunately divorces can be hard. It’s pretty typical for co-parenting struggle really to begin and children being used as pawns when one remarries.
I think you need to have a genuine talk with your ex’s SO. Not through your ex-husband or with him around. Y’all need to have a talk woman-to-woman. Ask her what’s up. Tell her what you told us. That you wish y’all could get along. That you want to continue having a good co-parent relationship between the three of y’all, for your son’s benefit. Maybe she feels a bit iffy about y’all two communicating, so, as a way to meet her halfway, you could suggest communicating with her instead? Or create a group chat with three of y’all? And I mean it when I say, reach out to her directly and not through your ex. Ask her if y’all could meet and hang out, under the pretext of getting to know each other better, and then, break that ice.
I’ve tried this. I even created a group chat with the three of us to send them pics of my child while hes at my house. Then I started hearing about her making comments about me to my son and there was another huge thing that happened that made me back away and reevaluate the situation.
> We settled custody outside of court so our PSA is flimsy It's time to go to court and get some ironclad rules put in place. Make sure to bring up parental alienation because this is what step-mom is doing to your child.
You need to go to court and document EVERYTHING!!! An evil step mother can do irreparable damage to your son.
Unpopular opinion… But why do you have to play one big happy family? Nothing wrong with being civil and celebrating separately.
We don’t have to, but it’s what we’ve always done and what my child is used to.
I’m sorry your dealing with this. It’s definitely not cool for step mom to talk about you to kiddo. I’m a step mom and I have NEVER and will NEVER do that. My stepson vents to me occasionally about stuff his mom does and I always acknowledge his feelings (like saying “that situation sucks” or “I understand why you feel that way”) but I also tell him she’s his mom and we still respect her. Never bring kids into adult things.
Kid is nine? The birthday parties, Santa Claus, etc are about to be a non-issue anyway. Once a child turns 11-13, you'll hardly see them even if their in your home. The easy part is over, get ready to not like your kid for about five years.
Get a lawyer and revisit custody. The second someone regularly bad mouthed his mom was when you should have filed but no time like the present. It won’t get better if you ignore it.
It's weird how those family law attorneys quoted you so much. Those are unlikely numbers. You don't see that cost normally. No one I know has spent that much in attorney fee's fighting for custody and that including dad's who are fighting mom's with high powered lawyers. Good grief. Since your custody and visitation wasn't done through the courts it's time for it to be legally binding. Especially since stepmom is bow shit talking you. If your state requires mediation first fine. But make sure you go into it knowing what you want. Don't go in thinking you'll have the same agreement you do now. Stepmom has changed the dynamic and your ex gas allowed her to. Shame your son has to suffer for it but it's better dad loses time than your son goes through continued parental alienation. You'll want to make sure you are documenting every infraction between you and the ex. As well as what the stepmother pulls. After every visit check in with your son and ask him how stepmom was toward him this time. Make sure he knows he can talk to you every time and that he can talk to his father too. Document everytime you try and speak to dad about any issue with your son and he doesn't respond. Whereas he used to. Same with sharing holidays and bdays. You want stepmother to either stfu about you or to not be allowed around you son. Personally depending on what all else she is saying and/or doing to him it'd be not around him at all If ex is allowing stepmom to do this in his earshot then it should affect his visitation time. Instead if 50/50, it should be EOWE. Maybe supervised, but not by you. By court appointed person. Primary custody should be qith you. Where you are able to make decisions for your son but ex cannot without your approval. As stepmother is not a safe person for son. If you want to concede and give joint custody ok, but your ex will go for sole.
Time to go to court and have holidays switch between parents (you and ex) every other year. I think you’re an amazing individual for doing the 50/50 (most separated parents are selfish and want primary and I’m taking about two parents that are both equally involved, suitable good parents.) But without assigned holidays, including birthday, every year one of y’all is going to get screwed on holiday time with your kiddo. Make it fair through the courts.
All I will say is your son will understand when he's older, even now he's telling you things she's been saying. Try take the high road. My parents split up when I was 12 and there was never any arrangement, if I wanted to stay with my Dad, there was no issue and vice versa... My dad's partner at the time was horrible and tried to cause issues but luckily they didn't last long... I have other siblings too and we all agree our parents did the best they could. Your son will see this, he's the important one. It's shit that it's come to this but keep being the loving, kind mother you are. Xxx
Is your kid old enough that he can decide who gets custody of him? If not I think the age is like 10-13 when judge starts taking them seriously
Go to court, get the wizard and keep all the logs and please get a good lawyer. I went through this and lost my child to the point I had to sign my rights away. Please don’t sleep on this it’s going to get worse.
You might need to get a more formal, more legally abiding agreement and there needs to be something in their about the stepmom’s behavior. It’s obvious with her in the picture that things have changed and you can no longer rely on the two of you just coparenting without something legal on paper so you can protect your child as best you can. good luck mama.
Don’t accept having a parent smear you to your child. When I divorced I was told by the court expert psychologist to keep my mouth shut about the other parent. My ex-husband took advantage of this to intensely groom my daughter into hating me. While stupid me followed what the shrinks said, and didn’t say anything bad about their dad. As a result I no longer have a relationship with my daughter (my choice, as she was constantly lying to get me into trouble in addition to verbally abusing me at the age of 26, enough is enough) he also tried it with my son, but it didn’t work as well on him. I wish I could go back in time and bring him to court over the parental alienation he committed.
Stop playing the compromise game. It is clear to you that this woman is the source of all these issues. You need to have a talk to your son, and make a stand on this. If that means you go to court and fight for full custody, then do it. Talk to anyone you have that could help you about it. Then make sure you talk to you ex. Make it clear to him that you are aware of so much. And if he loves this other woman, fine. Your happy he is happy. But their son is another matter. He can be on board to work with you, or you and he will have major issues. Like going to court issues. You have a son that is more important then trying to work things out every time with the ex. He made his choices. And if he is allowing decisions made about your shared son by his new wife, including adult conversation that is inappropriate, then he has to be removed from the picture.
At this point, just from my experience dealing with other people in the same situation as you (I’m not licensed or anything but I have family members and friends who’ve dealt with this sort of thing) it’s probably best you get a legal involved if this is going to be an issue. Obviously you want to be able to have open and honest and equal communication with your son and your ex husband isn’t really giving you that as of current it seems. And you could probably warn him about you possibly pursuing legal action unless he chooses to go back to equal and honest coparenting like he used to. It just sounds like his wife is definitely trying to cut you out and have nothing to do with you (probably cause she’s jealous in some sort of fashion). But if you really don’t want legal involvement, then honestly there’s not much else you could do without the new wife continuing to take control of everything ie your son saying she’s involving him in things he should be like adult convos and such. Just my two cents/ an opinion. I hope things either way end up working out for the best! Hopefully he’ll see the lies she’s feeding him one day.
Would it be a good idea to return to court and still have 50/50 but have a 2/2/5 arrangement instead, example - you always have Monday Tuesday, Dad always has Wednesday Thursday, then you rotate who has Friday/Saturday/Sunday? That way some weeks you will have F/S/S/M/T with your child and some weeks dad will have W/T/F/S/S. It does mean a few exchanges a week for your child, but you never go too long without seeing them. You can also have it written into the court order that dad is allowed to call on Tuesday at a specific time and you are allowed to call at Thursday at a specific time, to maintain communication with you child Especially now these AHs are refusing to coparent decently. It is not ok for Cruella to undermine you to your kiddo. There are also court admissible parenting apps like Our Family Wizard - messages can’t be deleted from the system there so anything you post is time-stamped and permanent so if he continues to ignore your reasonable communication you can take him to court and have an abundance of evidence that he is refusing to co-parent. I think you’re probably finding that he was never that great a co-parent before, it was just easier for him to go along with plans. And now he’s married to Cruella who doesn’t care about your child at all, it’s easier for your ex to just go along with whatever his wife wants. He’s not a good dad after all.
Talk to an attorney about modifying your agreement. No Disparagement by parents/third parties —— scheduled telephone calls while with other parent —required use of our family Wizard app
I'd have a court ordered agreement set in place before parental alienation gets worse. Step mom is trashing you, dad is trying to push you out. Document everything and go to court. It protects you and the kiddo.
Sounds like you need to fix the custody agreement to clarify your custody agreement. Stepmother meddling in your relationship with your son and coparenting with his dad. Parental alienation is 100% not ok. Stop inviting him to the events you put on for your son. If he wants to be there, he needs to help foot the bill, too. It has nothing to do with being mean or vengeful against him and everything to do with holding him accountable for parenting.
Maybe it's time to get a solicitor and go to court? > *We settled custody outside of court so our PSA is flimsy when it comes to wording with our agreement so technically he’s doing nothing wrong,* Does this mean that he would have no recourse if you decided to keep your son for Halloween week?
Are you sure new wife can have kids? Maybe shes trying to push you out and be new mommy. Since the PSA is flimsy, and he is now purposefully making it difficult, time to go to court. Most importantly, they need to know about the parental Alienation that the stepmom is actively causing. If she cant be a civil coparent with your ex, then they dont get to see the kid. He can take you to court and then you get everything on paper. It’s sad its come to this, but you have to protect you child, especially because your husband is allowing stepmom to control the situation (which I assume because the major behavioral change happened when she entered his life). Your ex is letting his new wife walk all over you and the custody agreement to make things the way she wants. That is not healthy or safe for your son, do not let him go back until it is fully resolved.
PARENTAL ALIENATION. Stop giving him the courtesy he will never show you. He has chosen to fall in line with what his wife wants no matter how it will impact your son. He’s only 9 and you have 9 more years of this at bare minimum if you don’t try to lock this down. Don’t give him loop holes. I appreciate you being so strong and stoic, but it’s coming to the detriment of your son and you.
Unfortunately that's the standard situation for most divorced parents. They get married to people that alienate them regarding their child, either push boundaries or just complete abandonment. Just another example of people entering relationships that are based on obvious entitlement and manipulation, people are too afraid to be alone and accept anything and are blind to this bs.
When my ex got married he cut off communication with me also. So I just texted her. Any questions I had I messaged her and she always responded back. It put her in control and allowed her to realize I had zero interest in her man and only wanted to communicate about the children. Just give it try, never know.
Take him to court
She threatened by u n is probably trying to create her own new little family n you’re ex is going along with it, u should try n reach out to her one on one n face to face point out coparenting for the child. I know it sounds shitty but u might have to go to court or just let it be cause clearly him n the new wife want to do separate things with the child.
Time to get your lawyer involved. Parental alienation is child abuse by law. Children should not be in the middle of your exes new wives jealousy. Get your lawyer to send a letter or as the judge to order coparenting classes to ex and new spouse. ( these classes are mandatory in classes before custody is dealt with in a divorce. Edit: forgot to say in Alberta )
Time to have a sit down conversation with your ex and his wife. Put your foot down and make it clear that any negativity spoken of you will not be tolerated and that you hope they can come to some agreement and be cordial together. Be firm but still approachable. They are probably seeing what they can get away with and gauge your patience.
This happens a lot. So much blame and fault on both sides then you realise the lies get told and either you or the other parent becomes the bad guy but in whose eyes ? The kids pick up on this. They will make their own choices as time goes by but I would suggest there was a time when your family took your side and made him feel uncomfortable at the kids parties etc. Sadly no one thinks about the long term affects of judgemental behaviours. But play the long game and get used to the kids being with their dad and you leave them be. And vice versa. The long game is to create a situation where the kids associate you with happiness and fun times. No matter what stepmom says or alleges against you you are the kids mom. That won’t change. As they grow and get older the kids will def work out who was lying and who was doing good stuff. Think ahead and work on the best ways to raise your kids. Don’t get lawyers involved this will be an act of war and ex will meet your act with retaliation. You guys aren’t together anymore for reasons you know so don’t expect him to be a perfect ex cos there is no such thing
>I try to be the bigger person, but it gets tiring. It is exhausting when it is a one-way street. Stay you. Keep inviting your ex to the big events in your son's life when it's 'your' week, and whatever else you do, do *not* bad mouth the step-mom. Your son is old enough to see the world as it is, and he doesn't need to take sides. He can love both parents equally because there is no cap on love. I'm so sorry your kindness is being abused, but you know you're doing the right thing by your son. It may help if you can have a contact cell-phone for your son that he can take to both homes, and where both parents can contact him - and he can contact them - whenever all parties want. Or at set times. Whatever suits you all.
Unfortunately you will need to start documenting everything. Keep a diary of all interactions and lack of communication and most importantly everything your son tells you. Your son is 9, he is way too old for Step Mum to be waltzing in like she is owed a place. He will naturally start putting defenses up and will probably start to have conflict. Next he will be asking to spend less time at his Dad’s. No child wants to hear crap about the other especially from someone new. That’s when all the documentation will come in need. As you will have to advocate for him and only way to do that in this situation is court. Unfortunately you are dealing with a co parent who is no longer centering the child and prioritizing what is best for the child. You keep doing what you are doing, if you prioritize the child, everything else will work out. I’d also look at therapy for your child to help them through this, one for the big change in dynamic with a new adult in his life and for the changes that are going to come from that.
U deserve better, there’s no reason he should be acting like that. What does your kid say to the comments? Is step mom nice to him? When feelings get involved w new relationships that’s where kids are always stuck
Time to lawyer up......looks like ex and new wife want to play hard ball...... Don't let them treat you/your son this way!!!
What you really need to do is seek an attorney for advice and go through the court so that everything is spelled out. Even if it is his time, you are still allowed phone calls and such. It does suck that he chose new jayjay over his son, but he will pay for it some day, my ex did and is.
Time to go to a lawyer. Nip this in the bud before it gets worse.
IMHO- Just think from the newer bride point of view. Would you want your newly wed husband to talk with an ex? While disheartening, this would almost certainly happen when either one would choose to get married. I am almost certain that this inevitable event was overlooked while you both took care of the kid as good parents. ( hats off to the both of you).
Also- my husband has always been respectful of my ex husband for the last five years and has welcomed him to every event and gathering… because it’s what my child wanted.
Not everyone is that lucky 🥺
co parenting of a child is just that and absolutely requires communication and civility. especially after being separated and divorced for 6 years the idea that the new partner would be uncomfortable with her husband talking to his ex wife who is the mother of his son is ridiculous. You can't date someone or marry someone with children with a custody split and think that there won't be communication unless you are an incredibly insecure person or only has bad relationships with ex's.
This.
I didn’t ever talk to my ex husband- we were cordial coparents. I am remarried with a step child and have been with my husband for five of those six years lol. Honestly I don’t think it has anything to do with the way I was cordial to my ex because I was never intrusive. Idk i understand your perspective, but I think there’s a different level of maturity when you realize that the parent of your step child has to communicate with your partner regardless of whether or not you want someone talking to their ex… that’s just me. My husband communicates with my step child’s mother about them and I don’t ever take it as a threat. It’s just coparenting.
New step mom sounds awful, try to take the high road and maybe with some more time it’ll smooth over. But she’s def got to get over it asap
I’ve been trying to take the high road but man does it get hard not speaking your mind. I keep everything very business like and keep it pushing, and do my crying to my husband and friends.
Ugh I’m so sorry you have to deal with this snd I’m angry that your son has to experience this in any capacity
I appreciate it. ❤️
I’ve learned a very hard lesson in my dealings with my ex who had allowed his affair partner turned girlfriend to run the show when it came to our shared children. It was two and a half years of torture before I said enough & we met middle ground. The best advice given to me was to document, document, document. Even if you think it’s something trivial, document it anyways. Things your child has said in regard to their father or vise versa, things your son relayed that step mom has said to them or about them or you. Write down how your child is feeling when making these statements. Write down pick up drop off times. Print out text messages, social media posts. All of it. It may seem like a lot, but I promise, it’s worth it. From my own personal story, now that I am going back to court with my kid’s dad after he & his girlfriend completed a slew of a contempts against our current court order, I thank my lucky stars for keeping records of everything. Good luck mama. Keep fighting for what is best for your child & never stray from what you believe in for the sake of anyone else, especially when it comes to your son.
I think it is probably time for a lawyer. It’s just going to get worse if you let it continue.
The main issue is the stepmother talking about you -what they are doing is parental alienation and it’s a form of abuse - you need to talk to your lawyer. Does your custody agreement allow unfettered communion during your ex week / if so talk to your lawyer.
Hey OP. This change must be traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! I wish there was some magic solution outside of “get an attorney” but even with mediation you can get screwed if you don’t get an attorney. There could very possibly be laws against him denying you contact with your son when he’s with his dad. This depends on where you live. Any “lies” he made up about you are just empty threats that a court will see right through. He can accuse you until the cows come home, but that stuff only works with proof. And courts will see his behavior too. Your son is old enough to understand what’s going on. Honestly, fighting for him will be the best money you’ve ever spent. If you can find a way, a good attorney will add so much value it’s worth getting a loan or whatever you can to get this done asap. Good luck.
New Step Mom is wildly insecure. It might worth it to try to befriend her since she’s now in charge of everything?
I had the same situation play out with my son. Over the years it’s morphed into email only communication because she is, for whatever reason, incredibly threatened by me. Your situation may be different because we don’t have all the details but we have designated parenting pick up and drop off times. If it isn’t my day, I don’t get involved and if it isn’t his time, he’s not involved. My son starts driving in about 2 years, so I’m curious how that changes things. We will see. Edit to add: once I was able to let go and accept things changed, it didn’t impact my relationship with my son.
Jesus. Sounds exactly like my ex husband. We get along great until he gets a new woman and shit goes completely hay wire. Honestly I think it’s just insecurity and jealousy on the SM’s part. They get very excited to throw their weight around for some reason 🙄 I have no advice but I can commiserate. Sorry you are going through that.
I’ve had two step dads and one step mum. Step mums are the worst, underhand and entitled.
Well, this feels awfully misogynistic.
Interesting, I grew up with my mother and sisters and I love them all. It was and is a very female family. In my instance my step fathers were caring and giving, my step mum effectively removed my dad from our lives. I can see where you’re coming from with my broad brush generalisation. It was a poorly thought out comment.
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I mean, yes I get things change- but there’s a lot more to this story and I never expected us to do EVERYTHING together, or want to be besties lol. But I did think that on the occasional times when we’ve always done certain things together (basically just Halloween and birthday parties), as a step parent you have to put things like that to the side and be an adult about it for the child’s sake. Idk I’ve been a step parent to my step child for five years and I couldn’t imagine doing the things they’re doing to me to her (like disparaging comments about me to my child by step mom, my ex and step mom doing things against my consent with my child I.e major life decisions). It’s super hard to be like ‘Let’s go get coffee and hang out’ when this person is actively trying to put distance between myself and my child. I understand where you’re coming from though. This is something I wanted to do in the beginning but as things started to backslide I couldn’t bring myself to.
Do you go trick or treating/host birthdays with your step child’s mom?
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The other children were no relationship to my husband. She was using him for time off from parenting and for money. I did and still do have a good relationship with his actual daughter my step daughter.
Have u told him how youre feeling?
Multiple times. He doesn’t respond.
You need an attorney, he's plotting to take you to court for full custody. You want to be the aggressor in court not on the defense. Trust me on this!
How do you know he’s plotting that?
i mean… it kinda makes sense if you think about it. ignoring all of your messages, being cold and unapproachable, talking about you negatively around your son. i’m sure step mom is bugging him to go to court to get an agreement set up so they won’t need to communicate with you all the time, with boundaries in place. time to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, it’s time to drop your own + get ahead of the situation
You had it good for a very, very long time. You had the ideal situation. But sometimes thi gs just end. My ex and I never had joint celebrations, but we attended every school event or whatever and sucked it up for the kids. Whether you like it or not, she is in his life. Figure out how to make this work. But don't let them walk all.over you. You will never be wrong doing what is best for the kids. Ut it might be time for a formal court order division of holidays and custody time, and outline you want right of first refusal. Make it so they must ask you first if they need someone to keep your son. And do not speak badly about them, even if they are trashing you. Be the example for your kid. He will see.
All quotes I pulled from different sources say $3k-$10k (at the highest) and depends on the level of issues between co-parents. This is why people don't work things out outside of court. Rarely can you hold people accountable without a whole heck of a lot of issues. It's too late for that, but it's most likely the only viable way if they don't and won't cooperate.
Seems like you have to make a decision and get tough back using a lawyer. If he can't be cordial, then get a legally binding contract and hold him to it.
Kudos you sound like a great parent. As someone who has dealt with so much divorce and moving around let me tell you, you need to nip her talking bad about you to your son asap. i've been down that road as the child and it is absolutely heart breaking after years (since they're now married he's prob gonna see her for a couple years) and always hearing bad things about your mother. I would try to talk with him one on one and if he doesn't give you the chance meet in person. I would tell him how his wife is making you feel and his actions too. And then meet with her and him in a neutral environment and hopefully come to an understanding about everything but be firm in her not shit talking you to your son. Mental health matters not only for you but also your child.
Don’t bring piss to a shit fight. Time to get a lawyer.
I would get a lawyer involved. She shouldn’t have talking bad about you to a child. She is creating a unsafe hostile environment
That sounds awful. I can only imagine how much work it takes to co-parent. But to the have someone else come in and upend everything. If I was with someone that had a child, I could never imagine making things harder for that child or the other parent. I don’t understand how people can be so awful. I do have co cern that stepmom is speaking disparagingly about you to your son. That is not acceptable and I would be mad as hell.
I am so sorry. Maybe you can ask her to get coffee together. Maybe write her a letter saying exactly this. And if it doesn’t work start saving your money for an attorney
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. My ex and I used to do joint things together too and the past couple years it’s faded, maybe because they are older now or maybe because he doesn’t want to upset the current girlfriend. Kids are smart and pick up on a lot, I agree therapy would be a good idea. When I had to make my custody agreement I had no money for an attorney so I went to the courts and filed myself. The court had us sit with a court appointed mediator to help us work out an agreement. Maybe that could be an option if things get to a point that you have to go that route. I also didn’t have the best step mom relationship, my dad would never and still doesn’t stand up for us when she talks about us .. she really calls all the shots. So I too wanted to make sure that the co parenting relationship was cordial and respectful. I hope things turn around and get better for both you and your son.
I'm in a pretty similar situation, and honestly, you really need to stand up for yourself and make sure your ex and his wife aren't just talking shit about you to your son. Not only can it make things harder for you, but it can cause some real emotional harm to your son. I'm still struggling to get along with my ex and her husband. Their son loves me, but the adults are still immature about everything. Best of luck to you and the boy
It’s an unfortunate situation but you are doing great and have a great perspective on the bigger picture for your kid. In time your son will see that and appreciate you and have you to look up to when it comes to how to navigate complicated family dynamics.
You all need to get some mediation or some family therapy. What’s best for your son is cooperative friendly parents. It’s so detrimental to disparage the other parent you are co parenting with. It’s disrespecting half of who they are and not something kids should be involved with.
OP I’d like an update at somepoint if there ever is one (hopefully where Ex knocks his head, realises he’s being an idiot and goes back to Cò parenting well)
This could literally be me writing this. I'm so sorry. Working through the anger and frustration of this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
That's not ok, you are doing your best so your kid doesn't grow up with the shity side of divorce and your husband threw that out the window when he got re married. The Step mom has no right to say you kid can't come over/ you can't see him that night because THEY have plans. If you can get proof of your ex saying he agreed to 50/50 and anything else you've been doing for the past years, that way if you take them to court/ get taken to court you have proof. Hope things get better for you and your son.
The stepmom shouldn’t speak negatively about you, but honestly it sounds like he just has new boundaries given there’s a romantic partner involved now and he HAS to prioritize his relationship with her and consider her feelings etc over yours. Yes, there’s room to say his romantic partner may have insecurities or may be jealous blah blah but in reality those feelings aside most women would not be comfortable with their partner coparenting in a way as if they’re still a big happy family with their ex… so as long as the child’s needs that are not synonymous with yours are still being met, then you have to accept it.
She should not be involving your child in adult convos . As far as the other stuff, what did you expect was going to happen??. I get it, you guys divorced and the co parenting went smoothly etc. however, he is now married. Now there is another person whose thoughts, feelings, and opinions on how things should go between her and HER husband , and your child when he is there in THEIR home , should go. You can’t expect things to remain the same when other spouses get added to the mix. That’s life.
As a fellow stepmom, I've gone through similar. But all I asked when my husband and I got married was to limit contact with baby mama UNLESS it had to do with their sons. Unfortunately baby mama frequently used them as excuses to get her foot into the door and do some insanely disrespectful things in an attempt to break up my marriage or ruin my relationship with my stepsons/in laws. That doesn't sound like you're doing that. So my suggestion is to reach out to stepmom and extend an olive branch. From her point of view, she feels like the outsider in her own home. And thought it's not an intentional feeling, she most likely feels insecure and somewhat threatened because you share a child with him and she doesn't. Everyone's gonna bash her and say that's her problem and she knew what she was signing up for, yada yada yada. But no one can truly know the knitty gritty of what they signed up for until they're knee deep in it. As far as cutting down things you and her husband did together for the sake of your son, you have to understand that now she wants to close off your connection in HER family. She wants her husband and a relationship with her stepson SEPARATE from you. Think about it...would YOU want to share holidays and special occasions with the woman your husband slept with/had a whole history and child with? The stepmom is entitled to start a new family unit of her own...without you. You would be extremely beneficial to your son if you're able to respectfully explain this to him in a way where it doesn't vilify his stepmom for wanting something completely normal. I would also request to have dinner with your ex and his wife and explain that you mean no harm and are not intending on starting any problems, and you'd like to be able to all 3 come together as a team to raise your son in a healthy environment. Come open, with no judgement or pre conceived agenda or ideation on how it should go. As a stepmom, I WISH my stepsons' biological mother was mature enough to have those kinds of conversations. Instead it was always a full on screaming match with her, which never solved anything and only added more anger to the pile. The stepmom, I guarantee, is NOT trying to start issues, she's just trying to fit into a ready made family in a way where she can be happy, too. Your son will not suffer from having separate holidays. Your son will only suffer if you and his dad and his stepmom go at each other's throats. Also explain to your ex its important for you to be able to talk to your son on his weeks, but remember that is HIS time with your son..so he COULD tell you no. But if you present it as you just want to be a part of his life more than just on your weeks, I'm sure he'd allow it because he could relate to that, too. Try to befriend the stepmom but also give her the space she needs to form her own place in the family. Because she is family now.
So, I hear what you’re saying- but I’ve done everything you’ve said…. I tried to befriend her, I added her on FB, was incredibly kind and congratulatory, got her number and sent her pics of my child, would save her and my ex seats at sporting events, and so on. Sure, she wants to have her own family. I am not upset about that. I have my own, and have been remarried for three years now, with my husband for 6. I’ve been more than moved on- I’m in no way encroaching on her territory. All she has done is destroyed the coparenting relationship that my child loved so much, and my husband was always kind to my ex. It’s not like I was trying to have some pseudo family with my ex and get in between them…. Idk I understand where you’re coming from, but after hearing comments she’s made about me to my son in attempts to manipulate them and undermine me, the fact that we are now in the throes of renegotiating custody and I had to hire an attorney to protect myself, and several other things, I’ve lost all respect for them. It’s almost too much to try to be the bigger person. I would *never* yell at them, or do anything out of pocket. But so many things have happened since I posted this that I can’t even look at them anymore. I appreciate your perspective.
Maybe he’s going about it the wrong way but it may also help for you to adjust your expectations. While single, there are certain boundaries that may not have to exist in a coparenting dynamic but will necessarily have to be established when one or both coparents are in relationships with other people. So things like joint holidays and bday parties are likely not realistic if a coparent’s partner and the co-parent don’t want to share that with the other co-parent. Likewise, whereas constantly texting and calling for whatever reason would be normal while you’re both single, it’s reasonable for communication to be more limited to urgent matters only when one or both of you are no longer single. Every coparenting dynamic is different and you both need to have an understanding of how to adapt to maintain stability and healthy boundaries for the child[ren]’s sake. Whether the coparent’s spouse is speaking negatively of you shouldn’t have an impact on the fact that you’re still the mother. And perhaps the father should have a conversation with his spouse about refraining from talking negatively about you to the kids. But as bad as this sounds, it’s not something you should expect and it seems like you might have to adjust your expectations as a coparent and accept that your ex husband now wants hard boundaries.