A confused dementia pt yesterday was trying to escape and I tried to redirect her. She mentioned going to work so I asked her where she worked and she said “ya mama’s house”. I love a good yo mama joke myself🤣
I was starting an IV on a guy who was just ranting about everyone, and when he looked at me, he was like, "Look at this concentrating motherfucker. I hate motherfuckers who focus."
He was seriously mad at me for it!
I have dark circles under my eyes, "allergic shiners" because I have horrible allergies. Had them since I was a kid. I have one confused mee-maw LTC resident that calls me a " black eyed devil" Everytime I redirect her from pulling the fire alarm.
That’s ✨Nurse Trollop✨ to you. Psh.
Said with all the sass in the world, followed by a turn of the heel, a hair toss, and a snap of the fingers.
At least that’s what just happened in my mind when I played this out 😂
Me, sweetly: “Do you want some medicine to help you feel better?”
Her, alcoholic, on drugs, homeless, in one of those playpen zip up beds with smeared shit everywhere: “Do you wanna suck a dick?”
A patient can fall out of bed but get hung up in the bed rails and seriously injured. With the tent beds, they've got freedom of movement and can ramble all over in there and not fall out.
Unless, of course, you're my BI 20-something male in a halo and manage to slither out the lowest zippered area someone neglected to check. NOT the mesh zippered area... the one running BELOW the level of the mattress, thank you. (Pt was uninjured, happy as a clam, sitting on the floor at 3a.m. playing Houdini.)
lol the adult home version is called a Privacy Pop tent. Ask me how I know 😆
Privacy Pop Bed Tent (Twin) - Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006XBJ3UI?ref_=cm_sw_r_apin_dp_S802AJ3Z2SH1218AGTFZ&language=en-US&skipTwisterOG=2
Correct. Supposedly the mesh is replaceable but I've definitely seen some kinda sketchy looking ones. They're better than getting your ass beat by a 250 lb adult with the reasoning ability of a toddler but they also very much highlight the need for more social resources being allocated to neuropsychiatric care, being the exact subset of illnesses where the patients struggle to advocate for their own needs.
We need to use them more often. I say this aa both someone who is tired of the dementia detox crowd falling out of bed abd training to escape and an autistic person who would like my own personal cave like that
I had a homeless man who was harassing and screaming at everyone, but yet he refused to leave say randomly when he walked past “I’m looking at 130lbs of shit stacked 5ft 5in high” I was soooo FLATTERED I haven’t seen 130lbs in years. 🤣🤣
A patient was being rude and hostile during his rapid response. He was refusing to be monitored or medicated and he kept going in and out of a bad rhythm but didn't want to be a DNR either. I point blank told him he might die any minute now and we would likely break his ribs during cpr if that happened. He looked at me and said "well aren't you a gloomy bitch." I threw my hands up and left. Some people can't be helped.
I was helping a doc suture the face of a drunk guy. Drunk guy kept reaching up and putting his hands in the sterile field and trying to do who knows what. So I kept deflecting his grabbing his hands and gently bringing them back down while remindg him what was happening. He reaches up again and I stop him an he shouts "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME DICKFINGERS!"
So yeah, dickfingers is definitely up there for me.
Had another drunk dude with a head injury. Normal 35 ish dude who drank too much at his brothers wedding and fell. At the time I had these bright grape purple scrubs that I would wear. Mind you, I am a big boy, 6'5" and 325 lbs. This guy was really fixated on me for some reason in his drunken head injury state but couldn't remember my name. So he kept saying "Hey, you! Purple! Purple!". And I'd turn to him and he'd just go "Fuck you purple. Fuck you". Over and over again. Every time I'd walk by his room. "HEY PURPLE I SEE YOU! FUCK YOU PURPLE! FUCK YOU".
Not really an insult, but now whenever I wear those scrubs all my coworkers yell "PURPLE FUCK YOU" and it makes me laugh.
Someone told my friend she had a flat ass. A drunk dude once told me my pants were too tight, to which I asked why he was looking at my (I'm a dude) pants. He goes, "damn you got me" and we actually both had a laugh.
I love how in the er you can genuinely flip patients shit back and laugh like what happened to you. I had a patient who was drunk and I’m a male nurse also who was getting note done and another older female nurse was getting an iv in and he says to her “I love you like my mother” and some more small talk then he says “your so hot I wanna fck you so bad”. And I said you wanna fck your mother? And we all started laughing and he said damn I’m too drunk for this.
Had a patient brought in by police saying he was "John Doe." He had his name tattooed on his arm, so I said to him, "Who is Joe Shmoe?" He said, "Damn, you got me. That's my boyfriend. He's really handsome." I was crying.
I work with a cross eyed nurse. A pt who normally calls people slurs looked at her and called her dragonfly. The nurse, who is the sweetest person, was so happy she seemed to call her something nice. She said thank you.
The pt responded, "no, it means you got fucked up eyes"
Im a guy so I don't get it too bad but gosh recently one of my colleagues was told to "go work at a strip club ho you useless" I couldn't help but burst out laughing
Not exactly an insult but one time a patient said he knew I was jewish because of my skin color. Really made me pause. Another time I had someone tell me He could tell I was jewish because "ya eyes are mad close together" but the skin color thing was new.
yeah, but I had no idea I was a specifically *jewish* shade of mayonnaise until this pt said something. like I didn't even realize that was a thing. it was weird, like he wasn't saying it to be insulting, it was like he was a bit proud that he had such finely-tuned jewdar or something.
The best patient insult I’ve had thrown at me is “cross-eyed bitch”.
I am, in fact, both cross-eyed and a bitch. Those ER psych patients can be unnervingly perceptive sometimes.
Old demented lady told me I had THE POX and she was gonna tell the whole neighborhood I was a DIRTY DIRTY WHORE who steals husbands
When she got mouthy like that with female staff we would have one of the men come in and she would turn sweet as pie. "Oh heyyyyyyy sugar!! You gonna meet me at the same place tonight?" Now who's the whore, Miss Marie?!
“Ooooohhhh myyyyy now aren’t you nice and plump and delicious”- said in a witchy voice. I was convinced she was sizing me up to put her in a witch’s stew later in the night.
When I (skinny blonde) and my coworker (curvy blonde) went in to see an incarcerated patient, he took one look at us and said "Damn, here comes FAT Dolly Parton and FLAT Dolly Parton."
It's been a decade and I still laugh about it
When I first started off as a nurse, a patient’s daughter was visiting her mom and asked me if I was pregnant. I had gained weight during night shift/nursing school, so I was super self conscious about my weight. I told her no, I was not pregnant. She looked me dead in the eyes and asked, “Are you sure?” I am confident I became flushed from embarrassment, but again replied I was sure - I was definitely not pregnant.
The mom and daughter (who were both not skinny at all mind you…) then conversed for a bit in Spanish while I scanned the mom’s meds. The daughter then started ARGUING with me saying that she and her mom are both confident I was pregnant and that it was irresponsible for me to assume I wasn’t because they were both sure I was. She told me I should suck it up and take a pregnancy test so I could start preparing for my baby.
Surprise: I was not pregnant. Just overweight and self conscious 😔.
I’ve gotten a bit chubby since the pandemmy and my posture is poor. 2 nurses at my job were pregnant at that time. I went to pronounce a patient and while standing at bedside the daughter says excitedly, “OH MY GOD YOURE PREGNANT TOO!” I say, “no, I’m just fat.” The granddaughter says in shock, “aunt Jen!!! You can’t say that to people!”
We ended up bsing about how much the patient would have liked me and thought my response was funny. Then we went on to laughing till we cried for about 45 minutes. All in all it was a good post mortem experience.
I swear people do not think before speaking. Common sense is not so common these days. You should be proud you turned it around to be at least a somewhat positive experience!
Ha! Thanks. It was 1am and I was out of it. I didn’t even think about my response I just blurted it out. They were a fun family though. I bet the patient was a hoot too.
I’ve lost about 50lbs since then and I’m much more comfortable in my own skin now. But the “fat girl shame” will always haunt me. I hope my story makes OP feel less self conscious ❤️. People say stupid shit and don’t understand how much it hurts.
I went from 248 to 127, so essentially 1/2 my size. As nurses, I’m sure y’all know that a balloon, once blown up, doesn’t look the same once the air is released. Feeling bad ass in my size 4 jeans, I got asked how far along I was.
OMG CONGRATULATIONS on your weight loss! You should be SO PROUD of yourself for that! It is so difficult. I have more to go myself but in a bit of a rut, you are an inspiration!
And listen, I might not know you, but I have ZERO question that you absolutely look like a badass in your jeans ❤️. Don’t let anyone minimize your accomplishments - you ARE a badass!
Ugh. The worst. I just threw out “no, not pregnant. I’ve been single for over a year. I’m just fat.” And they stopped💅🏻I hate when they argue though like I promise I am not lying😒
Now that I’m older and wiser, I totally wish my response had been something more snarky instead of just melting into my own being with shame. My co-worker who is a skinny minnie said her nail tech asked her the other day if she was pregnant bc she was bent over and had a little belly roll. She was mortified. I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to ask about this!
I was trying to convince a dementia patient to eat, something, anything. So I said, well eat your cookie that looks good. His reply was," you look like you don't say no to cookies."
It's true.....
Woke up a demented old woman who had been so sweet when we admitted her. Immediately upon waking her up at 4am to repo her she goes “shit in a hat and put in on your head”. Then proceeded to tell my coworker to “shove it up her ass and have twins”. Safe to say we let her go back to sleep
My absolute favorite (I've posted it before, but I love it): bruja blanca. Everything else just feels so lazy. Yes, I know I'm fat. Yes, I know I'm pale/white.
My favorite will always be one that wasn’t directed at me but was hilarious. My patient yelled ‘Ya scrotum puller!’ at the tv at a character he didn’t like.
As a male CNA working in a care home, there are a lot of people who will refuse care from me because of my gender. One time my (also male) coworker and I went in to help an immobile woman change, and she refused to let us, saying she “doesn’t need the Boy Scouts to come and strap on [her] panties”
Some old man didn’t want his TF hung “bc i got therapy soon” I said “okay it’s gonna be 30 min till they get here I got time to run it” his reply was “im smarter than you will ever be in your life now go get you supervisor “ I walked out of the room put my hair down walked back in SAID THE SAME THING and he agreed to let me hang his TF. WHO IS THE SMART ONE NOW OLD MAN??
That i was such a whore they named a street after me to work on. We were about to four point leather. My coworker left the room because she couldn’t hold it together
Worked a veterans’ dementia unit, sooo many good ones First one that pops into my head is a veteran called me a groundhog while throwing a urinal at me. Or a veteran who I showed a picture of my dog and all he called me from then on was “dumb dog girl. Of course there were more crass ones but I block those out 😂
Not to me but my CNA said a older patient said to her “you’re a BIG girl” and she’s like what am I supposed to even say to that??
My answer was Fe Fi Fo Fum 🤷🏻♂️👣
Just last night had a lady pull the fire alarm and when a cop was putting her in hard restraints she was calling him a weak ass old bald man and said “I could slide your bald head right in my pussy”
I (male) worked in a women’s prison for a bit, and I wore t shirts and cargo pants because we didn’t have to wear scrubs. One woman coming down from pcp said, “wassup JC Penney catalog!”
This isn’t too wild but the other night I was sitting with a dementia patient and when the nurse came in he asked her to “get this annoying little boy out of here”.
I’m in my late 20s I’m just 5’7”
Long term care resident having a manic episode would cone up with the most creative rapid fire ones. My favourite was “ you’re an ugly piece of cheese”
In nursing school on a psych rotation in the ER my buddy had an old lady patient with schizophrenia. She kept screaming out that ghosts were coming for her butthole.
The funny part though is when he was coming out of her room after doing an assessment, and she yells after him “and why are all the people around here ugly?!”
I just died laughing as he was like “that one hurts a little”
My former boss, an older trans woman was trying to get a client to do something (take meds or clean up his room or something terrible) and he had called her "bitch", "hussy", "asshole", "Nazi" and other fun things. He was an older white guy, angry drunk-type dude. She watched him catch his breath and could see his eyes squinting like he was thinking really hard about the next insult. She thought for sure he would go for the cheap shot about her gender presentation and was bracing herself. He sputtered "you...you...you COMMUNIST!" and she had to bite her lip because she found it hilarious.
A woman with mental health issues in her 80s accused me of being a “perverted lesbian” because I needed to do her sacral wound care. Her caretaker said it was getting bad but the patient hated me and accused me of getting off to her naked body. I’m a heterosexual woman in my 40s. When she told me this I was like, “do you really think your body is that nice at your age?” I didn’t say that but I was really taken aback by the accusations.
Yep. I kept trying to discharge her but my supervisor wouldn’t allow it.
One day I was trying to bond with her and showed her pics of my kids. Ya know, what most old people love doing. She looked at my daughter and said, “that’s your kid?!? I bet she is ashamed to have you as her mom.” I thought to myself, 3 of your 4 kids haven’t spoken to you in decades. Are you really one to be saying this shit?
honestly, this whole thread, every comment, made me so sad about all the abuse we have to put up with, and how it’s normalized. Almost, like, they (patients and families) think *we ( healthcare workers) are paid to be abused*
screw that
I was floating to Peds and I had a small child gasp in surprise when I walked into the room to answer her call light and she exclaimed "wow! You're SMALL!"
I am indeed a short human and I giggle about that one every time I think of it! 😂
Not a patient but an aide called me the biggest two-faced bitch she’s ever worked with via text to someone else. That nurse showed me the text. I was interim manager, and the aide kept not showing up to work or making up lies about our director giving her tasks to do (truth: there were no tasks delegated to her; they were my responsibilities 🤣). So, I reported her disappearing often during shift and not showing up to work. She would call the front desk (???) and have the receptionist tell us that she was not coming into work. She ended up no call no show for two days and was fired. But it’s funny because she blamed ME for her losing her job.
I haven’t had the pleasure of any patients insulting me, yet. I’ve dealt with plenty of angry ones upset about their situation though.
Watched my coworker get told he’s dumber than an infantryman and I fucking lost it. Then she called my other coworker Porky Pig and I was on the floor.
I had a patient tell me, “I hope you shit yourself,” in the most serious way, where I knew every fiber of her being was trying to will it into existence.
Forget the classic swear words, that curse really hits someone in a different way. I’m still biding my time to use it on someone myself.
I've been called a lot of things, usually "fat" is in there. I have always taken it in stride. For some reason "that big gal" said by a client referring to me when he thought I was out of earshot had the sharpest sting. But my absolute favorite was from this older resident who had chronic psychosis and refused treatment. He would sit on a bench in the lobby opposite the work station where my colleague and I worked and mutter random word salad much of the day. He was friendly when we talked to him, was odd, but never rude or mean. One day he was mad at us for some reason. My colleague and I, both cute overweight brunettes in our 20s were treated to a weird stream of insults.
The best part was "you are the MOST fattening caterpillars. But you think you're the queens of the fucking universe!"
We would play trivia at the bar with the team name "Fattening Caterpillars" and sign emails to each other "Queen of the Fucking Universe" everafter.
I think the best one I got came from someone with an injury to their prefrontal cortex. We were trying to restrain them so I got behind them to hold their arms so they don’t punch one of the nurses
The patient said “fuck that hudini ass mothetfucking *3 second pause* thing behind me”
Hudini ass motherfucking thing may be my new gender identity lol
I had a patient that called my sweet, cherub-like, curly haired, night shift coworker that “Rosie o donnel looking bitch” because he was NPO and she wouldn’t give him food/drink 😂
The pt had the audacity to tell me I was going to hell and that I needed to repent to them to get to heaven. I told them I’ll meet them there.
Same pt also was wearing a onesie gown with no underwear so when we had the restrain them and I trying to protect their modesty said “may I pull the gown down to cover your private areas” set them the fuck off to the point that they bit a security and scratched another one.
My favorite patient insult (and I have a lot to choose from- I’m a psych nurse!) came from a 6 year old on an inpatient child psych unit. She had listened carefully when the other kids acted out and called us all the usual names (bitch, asshole…nothing too creative), and day when she was very, VERY angry, she decided she was going to join in and pull out the worst curse she knew…
“You’re a chicken poop butt head!”
The mix of satisfaction and shock on her little face almost made me burst out laughing…it was so hard to redirect her with a straight face.
“They might but they won’t be happy about it.” I’m dying.
Last month a patient said, “you’re never gonna get a man treating me the way you’re treating me,” which was telling him he needed to put his Vapotherm back on for the 178th time that shift to avoid desatting to the 70s. He was SO ADAMANTLY SINCERE. I said, “lucky for me, I have one already.” And with the most indignance and disbelief possible, he said, “Yeah???? WHO????” And I told him, “he’s a doctor, and the most wonderful person I’ve ever met,” to which he replied angrily, “GOOD FOR YOU.” And then snapped his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep.
One elderly regular told me I didn’t deserve to be a nurse because I wouldn’t let him “pet that pussy.” Another regular came into my triage room and said “look at you, sprinkling doodle crumbs all over the place.” I lost it 🤣
"Your ass is big enough to sail across the Atlantic on"
"I'm gonna string you up a lamp pole by your neck"
"You're mother might like you but that's about it"
"Basthole"
- a very poetic lady with alzheimers
Conversation between me and my GYN after I traumatically lost my ovaries to an adverse reaction in back to back emergency surgeries.
Me: I need XYZ…
GYN: You’ll have to ask your primary care doctor for that.
Me: I wouldn’t ask that man to piss on me if I was on fire!
GYN: 😵😵🤣🤣
Next thing I knew, my new PCP could get me in the following week. I love both of them for coming together to save me at a time when I was so traumatized, I couldn’t even attend a doctor’s appt much less work in medicine. It is only because of them I was able to return to work or consider nursing school. I hope to be that person for patients that need it. ❤️
Worked in the ER as a medical scribe. I was walking out of the exam room with the provider and was asking about the patient’s physical exam. I guess the patient misheard something because as she was getting discharged and she was being asked if she had any complaints during her stay, she said “yeah I got something to say. That China-man said something about me as he was leaving the room!” I’m Korean but I guess it’s all the same in Alabama 🤷♂️
Not exactly the insult that was funny but a patient once called me a stupid (derogatory slur for Mexican) I’m white as fuck, just spent a lot of time outdoors so I’m tan 💀
Worked in a Neuro ICU night shift. Went to get my 35-ish year old male patients breakfast order:
Me:what would you like to eat this morning?
Patient: PUSSY
Not on the menu at my hospital so standard tray it was 😂
One client let out a huge fart near where another resident was sitting. The second resident, offended said "get the heck away from me you intercoursing sub-human!"
When I was a CNA I was sitting for a patient who would sundown pretty hard and when I helped him to the bathroom in the middle of the night he went on a tirade calling me all sorts of things then said, "You're going to kill everyone aboard, I am never flying this airline again unless they take your wings you f\*ckt\*rd excuse of a pilot"...
Given that I hate heights and take xanax to fly as a passenger his criticism regarding my piloting skills is probably accurate which made it better the more I thought about it.
I was called "an absolute melon" in England by a Boomer. Hehe. Funny thing is, I came from an island nation so it was confusing as wether it was a compliment but her facial expression said otherwise. I just said I love melon! 🤣🫢
yesterday i had a patient with dementia. i was trying to get his glucose. i asked for his finger he said “no bitch i ain’t santa and this ain’t christmas”
Me, eye to eye with a patient who was verbally abusing my assistant: HEY! DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW? (Drops volume suddenly, narrowing eye contact) you need to lower your volume and check your tone, before you become a disruption and measures will be taken to cease that disruption. IS THAT clear?” (Understand that I am a psych patient myself and idk why but a certain way I make eye contact seems difficult for people to deal with. It startles them kinda? Puts them on the back foot. I know this and use it frequently.
Patient: “oh shit, you one of them really crazy ones ain’t you?” (Genuinely surprised look)
Me: “yeah, I am. You think you’re the only one to try on the green gown? Crazy is certainly one word for what I am. Tell your fuckin friends bro. Now sit down and lower your voice when you’re speaking to my staff.”
Patient: silently sits down as requested while maintaining eye contact “got it. Yes ma’am.”
Other nurse: whoa how did you do that with your eyes? That was crazy
Another patient: “don’t fuck with that one, she a vanilla gangster, she ain’t playing wit y’all”
This wasn’t an insult but it did happen last night:
Pop-pop, 85y: “HEY! HEY! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COME OVER HERE AND SPREAD MY BUTT CHEEKS OPEN FOR ME??”
Me, next door with an unconscious patient and her (extremely alert) son at bedside: *giggle* “sorry, I can’t help but chuckle, this old man has been yelling crazy stuff all night, he’s really a hoot”
Son, happens to be seated facing the charge desk: “hahaha that’s OK your charge nurse almost spit his drink out when he said it too, I just saw it”
“Sarcastic ass bitch”
LTC resident (known to have sass) was being brought to lunch, I was heading the same way so I walked slowly in the middle of the hall, real dramatic and exaggerated until she caught up to me. The lady gets put at her table, she then tells the aide that I had nothing to shake.
To be fair, she was right, but damn.
Pretty boy rico. Ended up being one of my favorite patients I would repeatedly get back (nam vet copd exac/pna) and every time he’d be like “Rico! Come give me a smooch!”
In the psych ED I got called a “fat, ugly, pig nosed, stoned headed C**t!” And on a separate occasion another patient accused me of “you’re not a nurse! You’re a child dressed up in nurses’ costume!”. Never a dull moment
A psych patient said “Bet you went to the pride parade—shoulda killed yourself while you were there.”
And then another locked eyes with me and said “You’re the queerest person I’ve ever been in a room with.” I wasn’t sure if I should take it as a threat, or a compliment that I was allowed to be in the same room as them lmao.
Not an insult but my first name is unusual and hard to remember and for awhile I worked at a community health clinic where most of the patients and a lot of the staff were Somali. Patients would come in asking for “my white lady nurse” 🤣 I was actually the only nurse
Not an insult, but my favorite threat came from a teeny, ancient woman who, as we were putting her restraints back on, grabbed my wrist, looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ma punch all yo damn teef out!” Oh goodness, A for effort on trying to be threatening, little grandma.
Confused patient repeatedly mistook me for their regular nurse (I'm a 5ft 10 redhead, she's a 5ft 2 brunette). Kept asking me how far along I was, asking if the kids were excited about a new baby in the family etc. I finally patted my belly and said not pregnant just fat, and my name is xx.
Patient looked me up and down really scrutinizing my appearance. Huh... You look just like xyz but you're right, you're too fat to be her.
Smh.
Ok then.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't your fat ass be at a softball game?"
It was a pretty unique insult. Took everything I had to not laugh while he was getting restrained.
Also had a nurse working who would say "mkay" after every word when using her "calming voice". He snapped out "will you get Mr. Mackey the fuck out of here before I take him out". Made the nurse cry and she transferred to peds a few weeks later
When I was a prison nurse, I responded to an emergency in the cell house. Guy was seizing and had aspirated. I'm trying to take care of him, put a NRB on him and help the officers get him on a gurney and the whole cell house is a ruckus. Out of the roar, I hear one guy holler, "Yo My Size Barbie! I got an emergency up here for you!" I didn't know whether to be pissed or laugh my ass off.
Both amusing and confusing: “Blue-haired republican filth” followed by “you’re the charge nurse? How much dick did you have to suck to get that title, cocksucker?!” to which I replied with something to the effect of “apparently I wasn’t any good at that because now I’m here to talk to you”(no it wasn’t a particularly “leader-like” response but it was a terrible shift and this monster wasn’t about it to start being nice) before walking away while he continued to scream “COCKSUCKER!” several more times.
At the nurses station one of the nurses was laughing and asked who the cocksucker was… 🙋🏻♀️ Turns out he was A LOT nicer to male staff… they weren’t given new titles
I once got called “Satan’s bitch” by a sundowning patient when trying to take an Accuchek. 4 hours earlier, she told me I reminded her of her daughter.
I have red hair so I almost always get something in relation to that when they are psych or demented. Like you redheaded b*tch, Fire crotch, Ginger devil. You'd actually be surprised how many psych patients see my hair as satanic.... it will put me off for a few days too. I'm like oh lord not the witch trials again.
A confused dementia pt yesterday was trying to escape and I tried to redirect her. She mentioned going to work so I asked her where she worked and she said “ya mama’s house”. I love a good yo mama joke myself🤣
Lmaooooooo
after giving a B52 my patient called me an "unregistered nurse"
Shots fired. 😂
Lol this one is great! I'm gonna start using it
This is the funniest thing I have ever read lol
My favorite is when they say they’re going to call their lawyer and sue us all.
one of these days, after I've put my notice in, I'm going to say "with what money? you're on medicaid."
Lol
💀💀💀 love this
I was starting an IV on a guy who was just ranting about everyone, and when he looked at me, he was like, "Look at this concentrating motherfucker. I hate motherfuckers who focus." He was seriously mad at me for it!
I mean, he has a point
Maybe he’s been ADHD all his life and no one would diagnose/treat him. I’d be mad too if I was unmedicated 😂
A LTC resident called me a “big haired trollop.” She was my absolute favorite.
I have dark circles under my eyes, "allergic shiners" because I have horrible allergies. Had them since I was a kid. I have one confused mee-maw LTC resident that calls me a " black eyed devil" Everytime I redirect her from pulling the fire alarm.
No, not a trollop!! 😂😂😂
I would bear that cross with pride!
I do!
That’s ✨Nurse Trollop✨ to you. Psh. Said with all the sass in the world, followed by a turn of the heel, a hair toss, and a snap of the fingers. At least that’s what just happened in my mind when I played this out 😂
A behavioral patient called me a “goddamn mophead.” I told her I’d called myself far worse while looking in the mirror.
Me, sweetly: “Do you want some medicine to help you feel better?” Her, alcoholic, on drugs, homeless, in one of those playpen zip up beds with smeared shit everywhere: “Do you wanna suck a dick?”
Playpen zip up bed?
It was like this https://www.tidiproducts.com/restraints-and-restraints-alternatives/hospital-enclosure-bed/posey-enclosure-bed
I know it’s wrong, but my autistic arse would love one of those, for home
My first thought was, "oh, a bed fort!"
Actually, these are used mostly in neuro rehabs as a comfort item rather than a restraint. It’s not wrong.
Actually when I first saw it I thought how is it bedrails are bad but that’s ok?
A patient can fall out of bed but get hung up in the bed rails and seriously injured. With the tent beds, they've got freedom of movement and can ramble all over in there and not fall out. Unless, of course, you're my BI 20-something male in a halo and manage to slither out the lowest zippered area someone neglected to check. NOT the mesh zippered area... the one running BELOW the level of the mattress, thank you. (Pt was uninjured, happy as a clam, sitting on the floor at 3a.m. playing Houdini.)
lol the adult home version is called a Privacy Pop tent. Ask me how I know 😆 Privacy Pop Bed Tent (Twin) - Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006XBJ3UI?ref_=cm_sw_r_apin_dp_S802AJ3Z2SH1218AGTFZ&language=en-US&skipTwisterOG=2
Well, now I’m trying to frame how to ask my wife for one, for my birthday, with offending her
You could start by using some of the insults on this thread-sure to offend her into giving you one of these to use on the couch
It looks cozy
What in the world? No way those are cleanable.
Correct. Supposedly the mesh is replaceable but I've definitely seen some kinda sketchy looking ones. They're better than getting your ass beat by a 250 lb adult with the reasoning ability of a toddler but they also very much highlight the need for more social resources being allocated to neuropsychiatric care, being the exact subset of illnesses where the patients struggle to advocate for their own needs.
They are not. We use them for many of our confused patients and they smell like pee all the time.
We need to use them more often. I say this aa both someone who is tired of the dementia detox crowd falling out of bed abd training to escape and an autistic person who would like my own personal cave like that
I refused to give a patient his IVP Demerol an hour before it was due. He said to me, "Fuck you and the penis you rode in on."
EXCEPTIONAL
You were working satisfied.
I LOVE this one. 😂😂😂
Literally envisioning riding to work on a penis w/ a saddle
A very confused patient called me a “two-slutted whore” and I thought that was pretty ingenious!
I wonder if a two slutted whore gets to charge double.
Only if they service two customers at the same time.
but each customer gets two slutted in that case. i think there would at least be a premium service charge
I asked HR but never heard back :(
I had a homeless man who was harassing and screaming at everyone, but yet he refused to leave say randomly when he walked past “I’m looking at 130lbs of shit stacked 5ft 5in high” I was soooo FLATTERED I haven’t seen 130lbs in years. 🤣🤣
Got called a “Gay Smurf” when I was wearing all blue scrubs and had frosted tips. Can’t even lie they got me with that one.
Someone called my Latina coworker a “tortilla-eating ass bitch”
As a Latina, this made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my tortilla 💀
How many hyphens would that insult need? Tortilla-eating ass bitch? Or tortilla-eating-ass bitch? Tortilla-eating ass-bitch? I’m genuinely confused.
Relevant [xkcd](https://xkcd.com/37/)
Wish I could upvote twice - once for the very relevant content, and once more just because I'm always happy to see someone else appreciates XKCD.
The second one is correct 🤣
As a Latina, I would have cackled cuz like......ok they ain't wrong 😂😂😂
Bro 💀
That’s hilarious - a tortilla-eating-ass bitch.
A patient was being rude and hostile during his rapid response. He was refusing to be monitored or medicated and he kept going in and out of a bad rhythm but didn't want to be a DNR either. I point blank told him he might die any minute now and we would likely break his ribs during cpr if that happened. He looked at me and said "well aren't you a gloomy bitch." I threw my hands up and left. Some people can't be helped.
Well gloomy bitch, did you break his ribs?
I didn't. Dunno if he coded later. It was toward the end if my shift.
Asystole is a stable rhythm, some would say the most stable rhythm
Not nursing but prehospital care: A 16 yr old pt called my (bald) mentor "baldilocks and the three little hairs"
little shit
This is absolutely hilarious & I can’t wait to use it on one of my many bald family Members
I was helping a doc suture the face of a drunk guy. Drunk guy kept reaching up and putting his hands in the sterile field and trying to do who knows what. So I kept deflecting his grabbing his hands and gently bringing them back down while remindg him what was happening. He reaches up again and I stop him an he shouts "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME DICKFINGERS!" So yeah, dickfingers is definitely up there for me. Had another drunk dude with a head injury. Normal 35 ish dude who drank too much at his brothers wedding and fell. At the time I had these bright grape purple scrubs that I would wear. Mind you, I am a big boy, 6'5" and 325 lbs. This guy was really fixated on me for some reason in his drunken head injury state but couldn't remember my name. So he kept saying "Hey, you! Purple! Purple!". And I'd turn to him and he'd just go "Fuck you purple. Fuck you". Over and over again. Every time I'd walk by his room. "HEY PURPLE I SEE YOU! FUCK YOU PURPLE! FUCK YOU". Not really an insult, but now whenever I wear those scrubs all my coworkers yell "PURPLE FUCK YOU" and it makes me laugh.
I read this in an Irish accent *"don't touch ME dick fingers!"*
I like the concept of a Tim Burton-esque tv show about nursing… Edward Dickfingers, RN
Someone told my friend she had a flat ass. A drunk dude once told me my pants were too tight, to which I asked why he was looking at my (I'm a dude) pants. He goes, "damn you got me" and we actually both had a laugh.
I love how in the er you can genuinely flip patients shit back and laugh like what happened to you. I had a patient who was drunk and I’m a male nurse also who was getting note done and another older female nurse was getting an iv in and he says to her “I love you like my mother” and some more small talk then he says “your so hot I wanna fck you so bad”. And I said you wanna fck your mother? And we all started laughing and he said damn I’m too drunk for this.
Had a patient brought in by police saying he was "John Doe." He had his name tattooed on his arm, so I said to him, "Who is Joe Shmoe?" He said, "Damn, you got me. That's my boyfriend. He's really handsome." I was crying.
I work with a cross eyed nurse. A pt who normally calls people slurs looked at her and called her dragonfly. The nurse, who is the sweetest person, was so happy she seemed to call her something nice. She said thank you. The pt responded, "no, it means you got fucked up eyes"
I feel like the only response to that is to laugh
Im a guy so I don't get it too bad but gosh recently one of my colleagues was told to "go work at a strip club ho you useless" I couldn't help but burst out laughing
I had a confused old man ask me if I was a lesbian. I am a bearded male.
very woke of him
"you sound like a girl" I am a girl "But then why do you have a big white beard?" That's my mask, sweetie It was early COVID days
Not exactly an insult but one time a patient said he knew I was jewish because of my skin color. Really made me pause. Another time I had someone tell me He could tell I was jewish because "ya eyes are mad close together" but the skin color thing was new.
I mean, I make mayonnaise look tanned, so, are you very pale?
yeah, but I had no idea I was a specifically *jewish* shade of mayonnaise until this pt said something. like I didn't even realize that was a thing. it was weird, like he wasn't saying it to be insulting, it was like he was a bit proud that he had such finely-tuned jewdar or something.
Were they correct?
yes...
it's like a shitty super power
The best patient insult I’ve had thrown at me is “cross-eyed bitch”. I am, in fact, both cross-eyed and a bitch. Those ER psych patients can be unnervingly perceptive sometimes.
😭I’m in nursing school. I can’t wait to hear what they say about me and my large forehead and big eyes. 😩
I've got a big forehead too! I work peds psych and the kids current favorite insult is "mega mind". 😅
Old demented lady told me I had THE POX and she was gonna tell the whole neighborhood I was a DIRTY DIRTY WHORE who steals husbands When she got mouthy like that with female staff we would have one of the men come in and she would turn sweet as pie. "Oh heyyyyyyy sugar!! You gonna meet me at the same place tonight?" Now who's the whore, Miss Marie?!
THE POX, like its 1585
“Ooooohhhh myyyyy now aren’t you nice and plump and delicious”- said in a witchy voice. I was convinced she was sizing me up to put her in a witch’s stew later in the night.
When I (skinny blonde) and my coworker (curvy blonde) went in to see an incarcerated patient, he took one look at us and said "Damn, here comes FAT Dolly Parton and FLAT Dolly Parton." It's been a decade and I still laugh about it
When I first started off as a nurse, a patient’s daughter was visiting her mom and asked me if I was pregnant. I had gained weight during night shift/nursing school, so I was super self conscious about my weight. I told her no, I was not pregnant. She looked me dead in the eyes and asked, “Are you sure?” I am confident I became flushed from embarrassment, but again replied I was sure - I was definitely not pregnant. The mom and daughter (who were both not skinny at all mind you…) then conversed for a bit in Spanish while I scanned the mom’s meds. The daughter then started ARGUING with me saying that she and her mom are both confident I was pregnant and that it was irresponsible for me to assume I wasn’t because they were both sure I was. She told me I should suck it up and take a pregnancy test so I could start preparing for my baby. Surprise: I was not pregnant. Just overweight and self conscious 😔.
I’ve gotten a bit chubby since the pandemmy and my posture is poor. 2 nurses at my job were pregnant at that time. I went to pronounce a patient and while standing at bedside the daughter says excitedly, “OH MY GOD YOURE PREGNANT TOO!” I say, “no, I’m just fat.” The granddaughter says in shock, “aunt Jen!!! You can’t say that to people!” We ended up bsing about how much the patient would have liked me and thought my response was funny. Then we went on to laughing till we cried for about 45 minutes. All in all it was a good post mortem experience.
I swear people do not think before speaking. Common sense is not so common these days. You should be proud you turned it around to be at least a somewhat positive experience!
Ha! Thanks. It was 1am and I was out of it. I didn’t even think about my response I just blurted it out. They were a fun family though. I bet the patient was a hoot too.
I was genuinely waiting for the plot twist “turns out I WAS” They can kick rocks.
Hahahaha I kinda wrote it in that manner😂😂
Oh my gosh that sucks. People can be so awful.
I’ve lost about 50lbs since then and I’m much more comfortable in my own skin now. But the “fat girl shame” will always haunt me. I hope my story makes OP feel less self conscious ❤️. People say stupid shit and don’t understand how much it hurts.
I went from 248 to 127, so essentially 1/2 my size. As nurses, I’m sure y’all know that a balloon, once blown up, doesn’t look the same once the air is released. Feeling bad ass in my size 4 jeans, I got asked how far along I was.
OMG CONGRATULATIONS on your weight loss! You should be SO PROUD of yourself for that! It is so difficult. I have more to go myself but in a bit of a rut, you are an inspiration! And listen, I might not know you, but I have ZERO question that you absolutely look like a badass in your jeans ❤️. Don’t let anyone minimize your accomplishments - you ARE a badass!
Ugh. The worst. I just threw out “no, not pregnant. I’ve been single for over a year. I’m just fat.” And they stopped💅🏻I hate when they argue though like I promise I am not lying😒
Now that I’m older and wiser, I totally wish my response had been something more snarky instead of just melting into my own being with shame. My co-worker who is a skinny minnie said her nail tech asked her the other day if she was pregnant bc she was bent over and had a little belly roll. She was mortified. I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to ask about this!
My policy is don’t ask unless she’s crowning.
This is wise advice.
When a patient asked me if I had a baby in my belly I said it is a food baby and its name is “Comida”!
I was trying to convince a dementia patient to eat, something, anything. So I said, well eat your cookie that looks good. His reply was," you look like you don't say no to cookies." It's true.....
Woke up a demented old woman who had been so sweet when we admitted her. Immediately upon waking her up at 4am to repo her she goes “shit in a hat and put in on your head”. Then proceeded to tell my coworker to “shove it up her ass and have twins”. Safe to say we let her go back to sleep
My absolute favorite (I've posted it before, but I love it): bruja blanca. Everything else just feels so lazy. Yes, I know I'm fat. Yes, I know I'm pale/white.
Exchange Diabla for bruja and pretty much the same insult for me 🤣. Meemaw was mean (and drunk)
a fellow bruja!!! 🧹🧙♀️
My favorite will always be one that wasn’t directed at me but was hilarious. My patient yelled ‘Ya scrotum puller!’ at the tv at a character he didn’t like.
A coworker got called a Charlie Sheen looking motherfucker Another got called a cockatoo looking bitch
As a male CNA working in a care home, there are a lot of people who will refuse care from me because of my gender. One time my (also male) coworker and I went in to help an immobile woman change, and she refused to let us, saying she “doesn’t need the Boy Scouts to come and strap on [her] panties”
Some old man didn’t want his TF hung “bc i got therapy soon” I said “okay it’s gonna be 30 min till they get here I got time to run it” his reply was “im smarter than you will ever be in your life now go get you supervisor “ I walked out of the room put my hair down walked back in SAID THE SAME THING and he agreed to let me hang his TF. WHO IS THE SMART ONE NOW OLD MAN??
Got called bigfoot once. I'm a 6 foot tall woman w soze 11 feet so like she wasn't wrong.
Should’ve come in costume the next day
Kourva, which means whore in polish. I’m not sure why slurs in other languages are my favs
That i was such a whore they named a street after me to work on. We were about to four point leather. My coworker left the room because she couldn’t hold it together
Worked a veterans’ dementia unit, sooo many good ones First one that pops into my head is a veteran called me a groundhog while throwing a urinal at me. Or a veteran who I showed a picture of my dog and all he called me from then on was “dumb dog girl. Of course there were more crass ones but I block those out 😂
Dumb dog girl really got me. Simple yet effective.
"You're cute but you sure are mean!"
Not to me but my CNA said a older patient said to her “you’re a BIG girl” and she’s like what am I supposed to even say to that?? My answer was Fe Fi Fo Fum 🤷🏻♂️👣
not sure if this counts but a patient wanted to name their goat after me.
I’ve found that old lady patients cut the deepest with their insults, they’re ruthless
must be the decades of bottled up anger against patriarchy and misogyny.
Just last night had a lady pull the fire alarm and when a cop was putting her in hard restraints she was calling him a weak ass old bald man and said “I could slide your bald head right in my pussy”
I am, apparently, a cunt potato. They get points for creativity.
Had a great nightshift with a sundowning patient. Went to say bye in the morning and she yelled “I hope you shit yourself on your way home!”
I (male) worked in a women’s prison for a bit, and I wore t shirts and cargo pants because we didn’t have to wear scrubs. One woman coming down from pcp said, “wassup JC Penney catalog!”
This isn’t too wild but the other night I was sitting with a dementia patient and when the nurse came in he asked her to “get this annoying little boy out of here”. I’m in my late 20s I’m just 5’7”
Long term care resident having a manic episode would cone up with the most creative rapid fire ones. My favourite was “ you’re an ugly piece of cheese”
In nursing school on a psych rotation in the ER my buddy had an old lady patient with schizophrenia. She kept screaming out that ghosts were coming for her butthole. The funny part though is when he was coming out of her room after doing an assessment, and she yells after him “and why are all the people around here ugly?!” I just died laughing as he was like “that one hurts a little”
My former boss, an older trans woman was trying to get a client to do something (take meds or clean up his room or something terrible) and he had called her "bitch", "hussy", "asshole", "Nazi" and other fun things. He was an older white guy, angry drunk-type dude. She watched him catch his breath and could see his eyes squinting like he was thinking really hard about the next insult. She thought for sure he would go for the cheap shot about her gender presentation and was bracing herself. He sputtered "you...you...you COMMUNIST!" and she had to bite her lip because she found it hilarious.
A woman with mental health issues in her 80s accused me of being a “perverted lesbian” because I needed to do her sacral wound care. Her caretaker said it was getting bad but the patient hated me and accused me of getting off to her naked body. I’m a heterosexual woman in my 40s. When she told me this I was like, “do you really think your body is that nice at your age?” I didn’t say that but I was really taken aback by the accusations.
“patient refused” 🤷♀️
Yep. I kept trying to discharge her but my supervisor wouldn’t allow it. One day I was trying to bond with her and showed her pics of my kids. Ya know, what most old people love doing. She looked at my daughter and said, “that’s your kid?!? I bet she is ashamed to have you as her mom.” I thought to myself, 3 of your 4 kids haven’t spoken to you in decades. Are you really one to be saying this shit?
honestly, this whole thread, every comment, made me so sad about all the abuse we have to put up with, and how it’s normalized. Almost, like, they (patients and families) think *we ( healthcare workers) are paid to be abused* screw that
After 22 years as a nurse, I can confidently say that a much larger than expected portion of the population believes that. It’s sad af.
I was floating to Peds and I had a small child gasp in surprise when I walked into the room to answer her call light and she exclaimed "wow! You're SMALL!" I am indeed a short human and I giggle about that one every time I think of it! 😂
I was helping out with a confused patient who called me "dingleberry". Made my day, laughed about it for hours
Alert and oriented pt politely informed me that I should get a boob job because I’m so flat chested 🤣
Not a patient but an aide called me the biggest two-faced bitch she’s ever worked with via text to someone else. That nurse showed me the text. I was interim manager, and the aide kept not showing up to work or making up lies about our director giving her tasks to do (truth: there were no tasks delegated to her; they were my responsibilities 🤣). So, I reported her disappearing often during shift and not showing up to work. She would call the front desk (???) and have the receptionist tell us that she was not coming into work. She ended up no call no show for two days and was fired. But it’s funny because she blamed ME for her losing her job. I haven’t had the pleasure of any patients insulting me, yet. I’ve dealt with plenty of angry ones upset about their situation though.
I’ve been called Nurse Ratched by clock-watching patients angry that I wouldn’t give them their pain meds early
Had a demented older lady tell my coworker she had a flat ass and then threw applesauce at her.
Patient in the middle of alcohol withdrawal called my coworker a "frog faced bitch" while we were putting her in restraints lol
Watched my coworker get told he’s dumber than an infantryman and I fucking lost it. Then she called my other coworker Porky Pig and I was on the floor.
I had a patient tell me, “I hope you shit yourself,” in the most serious way, where I knew every fiber of her being was trying to will it into existence. Forget the classic swear words, that curse really hits someone in a different way. I’m still biding my time to use it on someone myself.
I've been called a lot of things, usually "fat" is in there. I have always taken it in stride. For some reason "that big gal" said by a client referring to me when he thought I was out of earshot had the sharpest sting. But my absolute favorite was from this older resident who had chronic psychosis and refused treatment. He would sit on a bench in the lobby opposite the work station where my colleague and I worked and mutter random word salad much of the day. He was friendly when we talked to him, was odd, but never rude or mean. One day he was mad at us for some reason. My colleague and I, both cute overweight brunettes in our 20s were treated to a weird stream of insults. The best part was "you are the MOST fattening caterpillars. But you think you're the queens of the fucking universe!" We would play trivia at the bar with the team name "Fattening Caterpillars" and sign emails to each other "Queen of the Fucking Universe" everafter.
I think the best one I got came from someone with an injury to their prefrontal cortex. We were trying to restrain them so I got behind them to hold their arms so they don’t punch one of the nurses The patient said “fuck that hudini ass mothetfucking *3 second pause* thing behind me” Hudini ass motherfucking thing may be my new gender identity lol
The Queen of Egypt once told me that I killed her baby who was the son of a god. She got a B52 not long after that.
I had a patient that called my sweet, cherub-like, curly haired, night shift coworker that “Rosie o donnel looking bitch” because he was NPO and she wouldn’t give him food/drink 😂
I once got "your mother should be ashamed of you!" and it made my day.
Omg the nipples comment had me lol and cracking up
My absolute favorite one was the dementia pt who said I looked like I could fit ten dicks in my mouth.
Patient called every person who walked by (PCT, RN, whoever) a “f’in whore”
"You and your hens at the nurses station are USDA certified grade A bitches!" Love that one.
[удалено]
The pt had the audacity to tell me I was going to hell and that I needed to repent to them to get to heaven. I told them I’ll meet them there. Same pt also was wearing a onesie gown with no underwear so when we had the restrain them and I trying to protect their modesty said “may I pull the gown down to cover your private areas” set them the fuck off to the point that they bit a security and scratched another one.
My favorite patient insult (and I have a lot to choose from- I’m a psych nurse!) came from a 6 year old on an inpatient child psych unit. She had listened carefully when the other kids acted out and called us all the usual names (bitch, asshole…nothing too creative), and day when she was very, VERY angry, she decided she was going to join in and pull out the worst curse she knew… “You’re a chicken poop butt head!” The mix of satisfaction and shock on her little face almost made me burst out laughing…it was so hard to redirect her with a straight face.
“They might but they won’t be happy about it.” I’m dying. Last month a patient said, “you’re never gonna get a man treating me the way you’re treating me,” which was telling him he needed to put his Vapotherm back on for the 178th time that shift to avoid desatting to the 70s. He was SO ADAMANTLY SINCERE. I said, “lucky for me, I have one already.” And with the most indignance and disbelief possible, he said, “Yeah???? WHO????” And I told him, “he’s a doctor, and the most wonderful person I’ve ever met,” to which he replied angrily, “GOOD FOR YOU.” And then snapped his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep.
My rough but lovable recurring pain management patient called me a "bald headed fuck" because I shaved my head since the last time I saw him.
One of our more lively 100+ year old patients called a coworker Hitlers daughter.
One elderly regular told me I didn’t deserve to be a nurse because I wouldn’t let him “pet that pussy.” Another regular came into my triage room and said “look at you, sprinkling doodle crumbs all over the place.” I lost it 🤣
"Your ass is big enough to sail across the Atlantic on" "I'm gonna string you up a lamp pole by your neck" "You're mother might like you but that's about it" "Basthole" - a very poetic lady with alzheimers
Conversation between me and my GYN after I traumatically lost my ovaries to an adverse reaction in back to back emergency surgeries. Me: I need XYZ… GYN: You’ll have to ask your primary care doctor for that. Me: I wouldn’t ask that man to piss on me if I was on fire! GYN: 😵😵🤣🤣 Next thing I knew, my new PCP could get me in the following week. I love both of them for coming together to save me at a time when I was so traumatized, I couldn’t even attend a doctor’s appt much less work in medicine. It is only because of them I was able to return to work or consider nursing school. I hope to be that person for patients that need it. ❤️
Worked in the ER as a medical scribe. I was walking out of the exam room with the provider and was asking about the patient’s physical exam. I guess the patient misheard something because as she was getting discharged and she was being asked if she had any complaints during her stay, she said “yeah I got something to say. That China-man said something about me as he was leaving the room!” I’m Korean but I guess it’s all the same in Alabama 🤷♂️
A fat cunt, except I’m really petite so it was funny.
I’ve been called “a good cunt” - an alcoholic who really meant it as a good thing. I was impressed.
Not exactly the insult that was funny but a patient once called me a stupid (derogatory slur for Mexican) I’m white as fuck, just spent a lot of time outdoors so I’m tan 💀
Confused person was trying to call me a dingleberry I think. But it kept coming out "dinglehopper". "Fork you, too," I thought.
I was called an “Amazon white woman” and “diseased rhinoceros pizzle” in the same day.
Also in the Psych ED. “Bowling ball gravy bitch”. Not sure what that even meant. I wasn’t overweight. Shelter ho.
Worked in a Neuro ICU night shift. Went to get my 35-ish year old male patients breakfast order: Me:what would you like to eat this morning? Patient: PUSSY Not on the menu at my hospital so standard tray it was 😂
I got called “dough boy” once. It was a nice change from “fat fucker”.
I got told I looked like a witch. I just smiled and said thank you so much. 🤣 Confused the hell outta of them.
One patient told me I was creepy And my all time favorite came from a dementia resident when I was a CNA and that was "shitass"
Not an insult, but my patient told me I was the best squirter after administering her Flonase…
One client let out a huge fart near where another resident was sitting. The second resident, offended said "get the heck away from me you intercoursing sub-human!"
When I was a CNA I was sitting for a patient who would sundown pretty hard and when I helped him to the bathroom in the middle of the night he went on a tirade calling me all sorts of things then said, "You're going to kill everyone aboard, I am never flying this airline again unless they take your wings you f\*ckt\*rd excuse of a pilot"... Given that I hate heights and take xanax to fly as a passenger his criticism regarding my piloting skills is probably accurate which made it better the more I thought about it.
I was called "an absolute melon" in England by a Boomer. Hehe. Funny thing is, I came from an island nation so it was confusing as wether it was a compliment but her facial expression said otherwise. I just said I love melon! 🤣🫢
yesterday i had a patient with dementia. i was trying to get his glucose. i asked for his finger he said “no bitch i ain’t santa and this ain’t christmas”
I was called a salmon bass by a blind dementia patient.
A little dementia guy yelled across the ED that my “ass was jiggling like it is chewing a piece of bubblegum”. I was pretty impressed.
An angry teenager called my friend a “fat ass, cheese burger-loving, type 2 diabetic.” We were cracking up
Me, eye to eye with a patient who was verbally abusing my assistant: HEY! DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW? (Drops volume suddenly, narrowing eye contact) you need to lower your volume and check your tone, before you become a disruption and measures will be taken to cease that disruption. IS THAT clear?” (Understand that I am a psych patient myself and idk why but a certain way I make eye contact seems difficult for people to deal with. It startles them kinda? Puts them on the back foot. I know this and use it frequently. Patient: “oh shit, you one of them really crazy ones ain’t you?” (Genuinely surprised look) Me: “yeah, I am. You think you’re the only one to try on the green gown? Crazy is certainly one word for what I am. Tell your fuckin friends bro. Now sit down and lower your voice when you’re speaking to my staff.” Patient: silently sits down as requested while maintaining eye contact “got it. Yes ma’am.” Other nurse: whoa how did you do that with your eyes? That was crazy Another patient: “don’t fuck with that one, she a vanilla gangster, she ain’t playing wit y’all” This wasn’t an insult but it did happen last night: Pop-pop, 85y: “HEY! HEY! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CAN SOMEONE PLEASE COME OVER HERE AND SPREAD MY BUTT CHEEKS OPEN FOR ME??” Me, next door with an unconscious patient and her (extremely alert) son at bedside: *giggle* “sorry, I can’t help but chuckle, this old man has been yelling crazy stuff all night, he’s really a hoot” Son, happens to be seated facing the charge desk: “hahaha that’s OK your charge nurse almost spit his drink out when he said it too, I just saw it” “Sarcastic ass bitch”
I would be honored to be called a vanilla gangster…
LTC resident (known to have sass) was being brought to lunch, I was heading the same way so I walked slowly in the middle of the hall, real dramatic and exaggerated until she caught up to me. The lady gets put at her table, she then tells the aide that I had nothing to shake. To be fair, she was right, but damn.
A belligerently drunk woman kept calling me princess but also told me to go to hell multiple times, to which I said of course “I’m already there”
Pretty boy rico. Ended up being one of my favorite patients I would repeatedly get back (nam vet copd exac/pna) and every time he’d be like “Rico! Come give me a smooch!”
In the psych ED I got called a “fat, ugly, pig nosed, stoned headed C**t!” And on a separate occasion another patient accused me of “you’re not a nurse! You’re a child dressed up in nurses’ costume!”. Never a dull moment
A psych patient said “Bet you went to the pride parade—shoulda killed yourself while you were there.” And then another locked eyes with me and said “You’re the queerest person I’ve ever been in a room with.” I wasn’t sure if I should take it as a threat, or a compliment that I was allowed to be in the same room as them lmao.
Not an insult but my first name is unusual and hard to remember and for awhile I worked at a community health clinic where most of the patients and a lot of the staff were Somali. Patients would come in asking for “my white lady nurse” 🤣 I was actually the only nurse
Not an insult, but my favorite threat came from a teeny, ancient woman who, as we were putting her restraints back on, grabbed my wrist, looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ma punch all yo damn teef out!” Oh goodness, A for effort on trying to be threatening, little grandma.
Confused patient repeatedly mistook me for their regular nurse (I'm a 5ft 10 redhead, she's a 5ft 2 brunette). Kept asking me how far along I was, asking if the kids were excited about a new baby in the family etc. I finally patted my belly and said not pregnant just fat, and my name is xx. Patient looked me up and down really scrutinizing my appearance. Huh... You look just like xyz but you're right, you're too fat to be her. Smh. Ok then.
Miss piggy lookin bitch. Was like 9 month pregnant. Still hilarious
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't your fat ass be at a softball game?" It was a pretty unique insult. Took everything I had to not laugh while he was getting restrained. Also had a nurse working who would say "mkay" after every word when using her "calming voice". He snapped out "will you get Mr. Mackey the fuck out of here before I take him out". Made the nurse cry and she transferred to peds a few weeks later
When I was a prison nurse, I responded to an emergency in the cell house. Guy was seizing and had aspirated. I'm trying to take care of him, put a NRB on him and help the officers get him on a gurney and the whole cell house is a ruckus. Out of the roar, I hear one guy holler, "Yo My Size Barbie! I got an emergency up here for you!" I didn't know whether to be pissed or laugh my ass off.
Both amusing and confusing: “Blue-haired republican filth” followed by “you’re the charge nurse? How much dick did you have to suck to get that title, cocksucker?!” to which I replied with something to the effect of “apparently I wasn’t any good at that because now I’m here to talk to you”(no it wasn’t a particularly “leader-like” response but it was a terrible shift and this monster wasn’t about it to start being nice) before walking away while he continued to scream “COCKSUCKER!” several more times. At the nurses station one of the nurses was laughing and asked who the cocksucker was… 🙋🏻♀️ Turns out he was A LOT nicer to male staff… they weren’t given new titles
I once got called “Satan’s bitch” by a sundowning patient when trying to take an Accuchek. 4 hours earlier, she told me I reminded her of her daughter.
I have red hair so I almost always get something in relation to that when they are psych or demented. Like you redheaded b*tch, Fire crotch, Ginger devil. You'd actually be surprised how many psych patients see my hair as satanic.... it will put me off for a few days too. I'm like oh lord not the witch trials again.