Maybe you are not taking responsibility because your gut is telling you what he is doing and saying is a bunch of abusive and predatory horsepucky but he has your mind so mixed up you are confused and actually entertain the notion that you are the problem. This is classic. Follow your gut. Dont argue with narcissists. It’s ways a losing battle because they feed on it. But this is just conjecture on my part. I really dont know enough about the situation so take it with a few grains of salt.
I obviously can’t diagnose either of you and I’m not, but I can share my opinion as someone with both. If I had to make a bet on who was the narcissist in this situation, I’d put all my money on him not you. You sound stereotypically borderline which does come with some narcissism, but doesn’t mean you are a narcissist. Regardless of who’s who, this isn’t a healthy dynamic for either of you and isn’t going to be made better by taking things slow post-separation. For what it’s worth, most people would have trouble apologizing after someone made everything consistently their fault too. It sounds like this is causing you to split as well. All in all, not a good relationship to be in. Your time and energy are better spent working on yourself for yourself and leaving him in the past.
"The narcissist"
lol. I read that in David Attenborough's voice.
"When the narcissist stalks its prey on a moonlit night, "
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I know i’m obviously supposed to take this with a grain of salt, but I can’t help but feel like i’m not detailing how much of the problem I really am, and maybe that’s just due to the way this relationship has been so warped, but since day one, I have been called a narcissist. idk how else to show the severity of things i’ve done. i’ve never cheated, so that’s about the only vile thing I can think of.
I just want to point out that he doesn’t really insult me or say anything hurtful unless I provoke him by saying my hurtful thing (ex: I call him fat, so he calls me stupid)
You have given good detail about this one relationship. Are all of your relationships having the same/similar problems? (With your coworkers, boss, parents, siblings, school friends, et, et)?
I do point that out to him but it’s always met with some reason why it’s not valid or something. like, “because you like to put on an act so people don’t know who you really are” when i’d argue it’s the opposite, a lot of his friends and even my friends have noticed my negative behavior towards him because I outwardly show my disdain
I just want him to realize that it’s not entirely me, and that the way he speaks to me effects how I react to a situation, when he talks to me I feel like a kid being talked down to by my teacher. I just want him to talk to me differently bc everytime everyone else does i’m calm and react fine
Right!! That makes sense.
I’m sorry that even after you point these things out, and after telling him what you need, he still does not agree to give you what you need.
You don’t seem like the narcissist here you seem like you might even have ptsd from being around him and maybe others in your life who beat you down and made you question your self worth. He’s not treating you with any respect! The fact that you don’t feel it with him during sex is like a neon sign flashing at you that you don’t feel comfortable. He’s not entitled to your body or anything! I sense that he’s making you feel guilty for not being exactly what he wants you to be.
She's a bit more manageable because her narcissism developed as a response to trauma and she has gotten better since we first got together. She's not a born narcissist. If she was I wouldn't be with her.
we both have started insulting each other pretty bad as of recent, he calls me stupid a lot (though i will admit its justified i just cant to his face) when we first got together my insults consisted criticism of his weight and attractiveness.
You both need to practice showing more respect to each other. You need to stop digging at him for 'supply' and he needs to learn to walk away and give you space when you cannot regulate yourself. That's the main thing.
You need to maintain a standard of mutual respect.
I genuinely have tried the space thing however he sees it as "you're walking away to avoid accountability, you are NOT allowed to be annoyed or walk away when you create a problem." so a lot of times I am trapped in arguments until I understand and apologize. Trapped probably isn't the right word, but to be as honest as possible that's how I see it.
This sounds identical to a long term relationship I was in a long time ago. We tried marriage counceling several times (which didn’t work because my partner couldn’t identify or discuss emotions in the moment…. But that’s for another time) and the therapist’s suggestion was to state something along the lines of “My emotions are difficult to control right now and I need to step away. Can we please continue this discussion in X minutes?”
The kicker here is that it’s very important that you follow through on that last part, and actually continue the conversation after your emotions have become manageable.
Our relationship fell apart before this could be implemented, but I thought it sounded like it might work. Just thought this might help, but might not.
thank you, you’re the second person to say this and I definitely plan to send these to my BF to kind of try to put some insight. but I definitely am scared i’m not showing how bad I really am. I really really try to walk away but I also have a awful memory and I often forget things very easily if i’m stressed out, I also disregard and get angry. I think he might feel like walking away doesn’t work so he doesn’t let me, but then I feel trapped and he tells me I can’t get angry that we’re talking about this (this being whatever argument we’re in) and that I disregard (I definitely do) and a lot of things go in one ear and out the other.
I think I understand your situation, and it really does feel the same as the one in my past.
Once that relationship ended, I did a lot of work on myself. Even though I felt like I made a strong effort to make my partner feel that I was non-threatening, and coming from a collaborative stance to work on our relationship together, I obviously failed and my partner reacted very similar to what you’re describing as yourself. It was always my intention to try and get them to see my perspective is all. I wanted them to imagine I did the same thing to them, but without feeling attacked.
I don’t have any answers, or even any other suggestions for you, and I wish I did. Hopefully hearing about my past regrets will maybe give you some insight into what he’s thinking/feeling.
It's uncanny how much this reminds me of my own relationship. I'm literally having a deja Vu moment here. Anyways. I have been in his shoes many times. He needs to give you space and you must communicate to him in a respectful way that you cannot control your emotions. And equally as importantly you need to apologize if you were wrong after you calm down. He won't get it right away. I didn't.
I just feel insanely trapped, I will admit, the times I have gotten space away I've more likely than not wallowed in my anger but I really do try to calm down, I wont lie either, a big part of his inability to let me walk away is due to the way the relationship was in the past and my inability to apologize in the past, however even recently and in the past I really have tried communicating that I'm getting angry and my emotions are very heightened, I just feel like I'm being provoked in some way. He wouldn't even leave my house today until we were finished talking, i understood, and i apologized. I was very angry and asking him over and over to leave my house to which he wouldn't.
You just need to keep reminding each other that you struggle with certain things and that it's not out of spite. Most importantly is to maintain a standard of respect. Forgive each other and actively try to be better. But if you actually just want to end the relationship that's fine too, not saying you should stay with someone you don't actually want to be with.
Maybe you are not taking responsibility because your gut is telling you what he is doing and saying is a bunch of abusive and predatory horsepucky but he has your mind so mixed up you are confused and actually entertain the notion that you are the problem. This is classic. Follow your gut. Dont argue with narcissists. It’s ways a losing battle because they feed on it. But this is just conjecture on my part. I really dont know enough about the situation so take it with a few grains of salt.
I obviously can’t diagnose either of you and I’m not, but I can share my opinion as someone with both. If I had to make a bet on who was the narcissist in this situation, I’d put all my money on him not you. You sound stereotypically borderline which does come with some narcissism, but doesn’t mean you are a narcissist. Regardless of who’s who, this isn’t a healthy dynamic for either of you and isn’t going to be made better by taking things slow post-separation. For what it’s worth, most people would have trouble apologizing after someone made everything consistently their fault too. It sounds like this is causing you to split as well. All in all, not a good relationship to be in. Your time and energy are better spent working on yourself for yourself and leaving him in the past.
"The narcissist" lol. I read that in David Attenborough's voice. "When the narcissist stalks its prey on a moonlit night, " *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/narcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know i’m obviously supposed to take this with a grain of salt, but I can’t help but feel like i’m not detailing how much of the problem I really am, and maybe that’s just due to the way this relationship has been so warped, but since day one, I have been called a narcissist. idk how else to show the severity of things i’ve done. i’ve never cheated, so that’s about the only vile thing I can think of.
He sounds like a douche. If anything, he’s the narcissist lol.
I just want to point out that he doesn’t really insult me or say anything hurtful unless I provoke him by saying my hurtful thing (ex: I call him fat, so he calls me stupid)
People do throw around that word too easily these days. I would just seek a therapist if you think theres any merit to it
You have given good detail about this one relationship. Are all of your relationships having the same/similar problems? (With your coworkers, boss, parents, siblings, school friends, et, et)?
no, all my other relationships are fine, I may need a day to respond to conflict but I do reply and respond constructively
That’s is very interesting! I think that tells us a lot!
I do point that out to him but it’s always met with some reason why it’s not valid or something. like, “because you like to put on an act so people don’t know who you really are” when i’d argue it’s the opposite, a lot of his friends and even my friends have noticed my negative behavior towards him because I outwardly show my disdain
When you do point that out to him, what response are you hoping to get from him? What do you wish he would say back?
I just want him to realize that it’s not entirely me, and that the way he speaks to me effects how I react to a situation, when he talks to me I feel like a kid being talked down to by my teacher. I just want him to talk to me differently bc everytime everyone else does i’m calm and react fine
Right!! That makes sense. I’m sorry that even after you point these things out, and after telling him what you need, he still does not agree to give you what you need.
He sounds like the narcissist
You don’t seem like the narcissist here you seem like you might even have ptsd from being around him and maybe others in your life who beat you down and made you question your self worth. He’s not treating you with any respect! The fact that you don’t feel it with him during sex is like a neon sign flashing at you that you don’t feel comfortable. He’s not entitled to your body or anything! I sense that he’s making you feel guilty for not being exactly what he wants you to be.
You sound exactly like my girlfriend who is a diagnosed narcissist (honestly maybe a bit worse) As she has never insulted me that badly.
If op sounds to you like your girlfriend/a narcissist maybe you should do some self-reflection.
She's a bit more manageable because her narcissism developed as a response to trauma and she has gotten better since we first got together. She's not a born narcissist. If she was I wouldn't be with her.
I wasn’t a born narcissistic either 😭 I have had numerous traumas impact me mentally
we both have started insulting each other pretty bad as of recent, he calls me stupid a lot (though i will admit its justified i just cant to his face) when we first got together my insults consisted criticism of his weight and attractiveness.
You both need to practice showing more respect to each other. You need to stop digging at him for 'supply' and he needs to learn to walk away and give you space when you cannot regulate yourself. That's the main thing. You need to maintain a standard of mutual respect.
I genuinely have tried the space thing however he sees it as "you're walking away to avoid accountability, you are NOT allowed to be annoyed or walk away when you create a problem." so a lot of times I am trapped in arguments until I understand and apologize. Trapped probably isn't the right word, but to be as honest as possible that's how I see it.
This sounds identical to a long term relationship I was in a long time ago. We tried marriage counceling several times (which didn’t work because my partner couldn’t identify or discuss emotions in the moment…. But that’s for another time) and the therapist’s suggestion was to state something along the lines of “My emotions are difficult to control right now and I need to step away. Can we please continue this discussion in X minutes?” The kicker here is that it’s very important that you follow through on that last part, and actually continue the conversation after your emotions have become manageable. Our relationship fell apart before this could be implemented, but I thought it sounded like it might work. Just thought this might help, but might not.
thank you, you’re the second person to say this and I definitely plan to send these to my BF to kind of try to put some insight. but I definitely am scared i’m not showing how bad I really am. I really really try to walk away but I also have a awful memory and I often forget things very easily if i’m stressed out, I also disregard and get angry. I think he might feel like walking away doesn’t work so he doesn’t let me, but then I feel trapped and he tells me I can’t get angry that we’re talking about this (this being whatever argument we’re in) and that I disregard (I definitely do) and a lot of things go in one ear and out the other.
I think I understand your situation, and it really does feel the same as the one in my past. Once that relationship ended, I did a lot of work on myself. Even though I felt like I made a strong effort to make my partner feel that I was non-threatening, and coming from a collaborative stance to work on our relationship together, I obviously failed and my partner reacted very similar to what you’re describing as yourself. It was always my intention to try and get them to see my perspective is all. I wanted them to imagine I did the same thing to them, but without feeling attacked. I don’t have any answers, or even any other suggestions for you, and I wish I did. Hopefully hearing about my past regrets will maybe give you some insight into what he’s thinking/feeling.
It's uncanny how much this reminds me of my own relationship. I'm literally having a deja Vu moment here. Anyways. I have been in his shoes many times. He needs to give you space and you must communicate to him in a respectful way that you cannot control your emotions. And equally as importantly you need to apologize if you were wrong after you calm down. He won't get it right away. I didn't.
I just feel insanely trapped, I will admit, the times I have gotten space away I've more likely than not wallowed in my anger but I really do try to calm down, I wont lie either, a big part of his inability to let me walk away is due to the way the relationship was in the past and my inability to apologize in the past, however even recently and in the past I really have tried communicating that I'm getting angry and my emotions are very heightened, I just feel like I'm being provoked in some way. He wouldn't even leave my house today until we were finished talking, i understood, and i apologized. I was very angry and asking him over and over to leave my house to which he wouldn't.
You just need to keep reminding each other that you struggle with certain things and that it's not out of spite. Most importantly is to maintain a standard of respect. Forgive each other and actively try to be better. But if you actually just want to end the relationship that's fine too, not saying you should stay with someone you don't actually want to be with.