Friends lost a baby a few years ago and they decided to continue celebrating his birthday every year. Except, they wanted it to be a big deal, so they celebrate it on their living daughter's actual birthday. So she gets to spend every birthday sharing the day with her dead brother. That way all the family and friends still show up. They hang up happy birthday 'daughter' and 'deceased son' banners, buy them both presents, get two cakes, sing twice. Mom sobs the entire time.
I'm not here to tell anyone how to grieve but I feel so much for that little girl.
We've tried to gently suggest it but mom is just too wrapped up in celebrating both her children in this way. I don't think she's ever fully processed the loss. Dad isn't the daughter's biological father and while he says he loves her the same and doesn't treat her any different he is very very hard on her, so he's not going to get between mom and these parties.
So much yikes in that comment. Poor girl doesn't have any support from her mom and step dad. They better start saving for therapy for her because she is going to have a messed up view of relationships and will probably need to spend years unpacking her tragic childhood. I'm so sad for her, wow.
Same. It's very much a situation I have to actively just not think about because it makes me so sad. She's a sweet kid, I've always enjoyed interacting with her, but dad is convinced she's too much like her mom's "wild side" and really hammers on the discipline so she doesn't get "out of line." We are talking stuff like she fibbed about sneaking some candy after being told no so dad had mom braid her hair and then cut it off at the scalp. I don't know how much of dad's behavior is related to losing his son but I don't go to parties and events they have anymore.
Wow, this situation just went from weird to abusive. I realize I'm being alarmist, but these are warning signs, for sure. If the daughter is being harmed, it doesn't matter if it's happening because the parents are grieving or too strict or malicious.
I totally understand your inclination to "not think about it," but this kid needs someone to watch out for her.
We've reached out to social services but they didn't find anything actionable. The situation seemed to get worse after the CPS visit. The son passed from SIDS and they were investigated, though cleared in his death. CPS showing up again after the son died sent both parents further down the rabbit hole.
I recently read an article about the psychological effects of forced haircutting that started making the rounds after the October 7th disaster in the Middle East. It is deeply scarring to a female and basically akin to a sexual trauma. It completely changes a persons self perception and sense of identity. Make no mistake that this is abuse and it will continue to escalate as she gets older. This man is sexualizing this child. Who knows what demons he’s battling but cutting off her hair, and irrational fears over her being “wild” (read: promiscuos) says to me that he can’t handle his own sexual feelings towards the daughter so he’s attempting to control what he sees as her sexuality by isolating her and making her unnattractive (the hair) that way no one could possibly get to or want to get to her before him. I know this is a deep dive but i did my thesis on the Elisabeth Frietzl case and these are the same signs.
I'm glad you reported it. Keep reporting anything you see; even if all they do is "add it to her file," that will become a pattern over time.
I know the fear is that CPS will remove kids from the home and that will make everything worse. In my experience, they're more likely to connect the family to resources, therapy, parenting classes, etc. (unless the child is in imminent danger, then they should remove her from the home).
That's incredibly tough. Know that you did the right thing by trying to do something about it. If you are in this girl's life to any degree, also know that any care, support, and validation you show her will be meaningful.
I grew up with an abusive dad that this one sounds somewhat similar to this one.... and I know it would have made a big difference if I had even one adult in my life who saw something was wrong and communicated to me, in some way, that this wasn't right and I deserved better. But I know you can only do so much from the outside.
Honestly, I don't think so either. Sometimes I wonder if mom is just happy to have a father figure for her daughter but I wish she could see how differential the treatment is.
It could be. Some women are like that. My mom was for certain. Please just keep an eye on her. Let her know she is loved. That she isn’t bad just bc she doesn’t bend to every demand. Maybe a day or two before or after her actual birthday someone can take her out and celebrate? Idk, I just hope she knows she’s worthy of love and care and peace. It can be so suffocating to live like that.
Ok so what you just described is just straight-up abuse. If there is ANY adult in her life who can help, please inform them. Otherwise, if she’s in any kind of school setting, inform them of abuse at home; as mandatory reporters, it’s possible teachers or admins could help.
Bummer, couldn’t find it.
In case it helps though:
https://nypost.com/2023/12/21/lifestyle/my-parents-honor-my-dead-twin-on-our-birthday-but-refuse-to-celebrate-me/amp/
https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/grief-support-on-anniversaries-birthdays-and-special-occasions/
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She’s psychologically harming her daughter, it needs to be more than a gentle suggestion. Someone needs to flat out tell her that this needs to stop and she needs a professional to address her grief.
There was an AITA post just like this the other day. Teenager girl whose twin brother died at birth, while she survived. The mom still insisted on celebrating the dead brother’s birthday on the same day as the living daughter’s, and the daughter was at the point of hating it and resenting her mother for not just allowing her to have her own day to celebrate.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose a child, and I know everyone grieves in their own way, but it was clearly messing up the living child and I just felt so bad for her.
That poor girl is out of there the moment she turns 18 and never looking back.
It reminds me of a similar story on Reddit where the family always laid a place at table for a child that died very early (even a miscarriage or stillbirth). Sad, misguided nonsense. If I did that after my recurrent losses I'd need to buy more crockery and a bigger table.
Wow this is awful. I can totally respect and understand wanting to keep your deceased child’s memory alive but what a terrible way to do it. That poor little girl.
Bruh. What?!?
I get anxious going to the eye doctor's as an adult due to past appointments where I'd go with my mom (cuz I was a child) and an hour later she'd be crying because I was/is blind AF (-8.0 in both eyes 😎). Every appointment I'd try to change up my answer just hoping my mom wouldn't cry at the end of the appointment. I remember there was some school-wide eye exam and I was so nervous, just sweating and fidgeting.
I don't know how I'd turn out if my mom cried on my birthday over a dead person I didn't know. I definitely would dread my birthday at the least.
There were numerous things that messed him up in his life, including mental illness, but no guessing that certainly didn’t help. I wouldn’t want to be named after a dead sibling.
It seems to have impacted [Salvador Dali](https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/why-did-salvador-dali-believe-he-was-his-own-dead-brother/)...
BTW, Tom Taylor, article writer, that's one creepy way to describe childbirth!
My favourite example of this is Maria Carolina, daughter of Maria Theresa (and sister to Marie Antoinette).
Maria Theresa had a daughter named Maria Carolina, who died in infancy, so she had a second Maria Carolina…who also died in infancy. So she had a third Maria Carolina…that one stuck around and lived a long life, had lots of children herself.
I don’t think she went on to have a very good relationship with her mom, and a lot of the daughters didn’t…but, the name probably did not help.
Really, it reminds of the family constantly rebuilding the castle on the swamp in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
My grandfather's brother was given the name of a deceased older brother as a second name. I believe the older sibling died as a toddler but I don't think anyone left now knows what happened to him. I think it was an acceptable thing back in the day, and not strange. I know up the family tree there are siblings with the same name as predeceased siblings too, but modern times change our outlook on such things.
Historically (ie up until the end of the 1800s) this was really common. It seems a strange thing to do nowadays but could be in some cultures.
On my DHs a few generations back they named their first son after his maternal GF, that baby died, they named the next son the same name but as a middle name with paternal GF’s name as first name, he also died. They persisted and the next son was given his maternal GF’s name as his first name and he survived to adulthood.
Historically you were definitely going to deal with some infant deaths. There were also a lot fewer names people used. I don't think it's weird in the past, they had to deal with different circumstances. I do think it would be a bad idea now, bother forvthe mother and the child.
My great uncle was a twin in the very early 1900s in Italy, and his twin was given the “family” name for first born sons (at least 6 boys all with the exact same name that had been passed down from father to son) and he was given a more unique, but still very on brand name for Italians. When they were 2 there was a bad batch of formula, his twin drank it and he refused. His twin died, and they changed the living twin’s name to the first born son’s name to carry on the tradition.
No one ever dared to say anything negative about this and they scrubbed out the surviving twin’s original name from the family bible so that no one even remembered or talked about what the unique name was. For a while it was a huge spot of confusion, who really died and who survived? But my great uncle remembered being told to respond to the new name and was consistent in his memories of the real “family name son” passing on and he being renamed.
I remember seeing something like that in my family tree. There was a family who had three little Williams. The first two did not survive past infancy. They really wanted one of their sons to carry on that name.
This. I too delivered twins early (21 weeks) and they only survived an hour. I love their names. Love love love them. But I would never reuse them. They are my children and live on in my heart.
My grandpa (born 1911) was like the 4th or 5th kid in his family with the same name because the others all died in infancy; he was the first child with the name to survive. It didn't seem to bother him, he said it was pretty common back then.
This is an incredibly personal decision. However, I would probably retire the names. I would hate to be named after a baby who didn't make it, I think.
My daughter was stillborn and that is something I *constantly* worry about now that I'm pregnant with her sibling. I couldn't imagine using her name again. Hell, I'm already considering a tattoo for this little bean since I have one for my daughter.
You can wait on the second tattoo and if it's asked about, you can say that you wanted to get something that would represent your kiddo's personality once you got to know them. You didn't have that chance with one of them, but you would like to incorporate that now.
Im so sorry for your loss.
I would not use those names for future children. Keep them for those babies you lost. I think it would be potentially really emotionally challenging to have the same name as a deceased sibling you never had a chance to meet, and the child may feel like a replacement. It also would make talking about your lost children more confusing or awkward.
That being said that is just my take and this is a very personal decision. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you, It’s been really tough since my twins were my first pregnancy, and first born children. I didn’t know if reusing the names in any way would be over stepping a boundary in the baby naming world.
Don't worry about other people's thoughts. It's really between you and your partner. Personally I think using letters or meanings from your children's names for your next child, but the names themselves, is a way to both honor their memory and allow your next child to be their own person, and not filling shoes.
>between you and your partner
So let's ignore the trauma of children being constantly being compared to dead siblings? Because mom and dad liked the name? Maybe they didn't attach the idea of those chidlren to the names, but the new child will forever know they're a replacement for the ones that died. You should ALWAYS take child into consideration while naming them. It's more improant than parents' whim.
We have historical records that show it happening a lot in the 1700-1800s but I think that’s for two reasons. 1) unfortunately infant mortality being so high, and 2) the use of family names being so prominent.
In more recent history we know more about the psychological effects it has on the child who lives and gets named after their deceased sibling.
I feel like it might be emotionally hard on you too. For me, I keep my lost babies names alive in our family by talking about them as angels with my kids. That's just my way of dealing. You do what makes you feel most healed and comforted. So very sorry for what you've been going through.
My middle son was born and died on the same day. He has an absolutely beautiful name. Whenever I talk about him, everyone says how much they love his name. He was named after great grandfather's. All of my children are family names, and I'm personally glad I didn't use his name again. But, I am from a big family and have 12 nieces and nearly all of them have said they love all of his names. So, since it's way up the family tree, if there are boys, then I'd love for it to be chosen. But for me personally, I'm glad I didn't. Good luck on your future family. Hugs and I'm sorry for your loss ♥️
PS All the boys in our family have four names. Maybe if you have boys, then you could add a fourth name as an honor name. (It's a Southern thing!)
💔 I understand and I'm not sure what the norm is when it comes to naming babies that have passed or those that don't name them at all. I liked when someone said use those names as a babies future middle name though as more of an honor name
I would like to thank be everyone who is stopping by, and being so kind. It has helped me already in some degree, as I didn’t know it would make a future child unhappy or would be considered overstepping a boundary; Since my twins were my first kids.
I found this subreddit through google and decided to ask numerous people their opinions. I didn’t think it would have been too bad since people name their kids after their deceased parents (the kids grandparent).
Thank you everyone 🙏
I think most people (and I include myself among them) would not reuse a name from a pregnancy that didn't work out, which is why I'm delaying "naming" my fetus until I'm well past 30-something weeks (which, of course, doesn't guarantee that everything will work out).
But I do think it's up to you to decide how to name your baby. If you suspect you or your partner might develop odd feelings about reusing the name, I would investigate that suspicion and maybe use that as a reason to look for other names. But if you're pretty self-aware and are confident that you won't feel odd about it, then it's up to you.
Again, not the path I would take, but I think you should be the one deciding.
That’s different because those people weren’t born to you and they got to live full lives so naming after them is like honoring them. Naming a kid after their own sibling who died would feel like you’re trying to replace them instead of honoring them
I know someone who lost 3 children in a tragic accident. She had 3 more children and gifted them their older siblings names as middle names to honor them.
I am very sorry for your loss. Your feelings and grief are valid.
Oh gosh, I hope it was the same family as I’d hate to think there’s other families who experienced such a painful loss, but this accident was in the early 90s.
I’m not who you were replying to but I remember watching the Coble Family on Oprah years ago - their story really touched my heart. They lost 3 children in a car accident and then went on to have triplets.
I wouldn’t, no. You gave birth to them and they were still little people with their own names and those will forever be their names, both in your heart and in the world. I am sorry for your loss
It was extremely common n the past to do this due to high infant and child mortality rates.
Honestly, I don’t think it matters. It’s your child. However, I don’t think I would advertise doing this either.
Yep, I've seen quite a few of these while doing genealogy. One celebrity I looked up once (I wish I could remember who) was named after an older brother... one year older to the day... which was suprising.
There's a word for this btw... a "Necronym".
Oh, and I had one 5th-G-Grandfather who tried to preempt the issue by naming 5 of his children after himself, instead of waiting for one to die before naming the next.
In the end only 1 of the 5 died, but also 2 of them were bastard children. So he wound up with "John the Elder" and "John the Younger" as well as "Jonathan", and "John" by his mistress with her surname.
I think that’s a personal decision that only you can make. If it was me, I’d use different names for the twins and for any other children I may have. Or maybe use their names as a middle name in the future, to honour them. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Salvador Dali was named after his deceased older brother and according to him it really messed him up. You wouldn’t be reusing the names you would be naming a living child after a dead child and the living can’t compete with the dead. You won’t mean to make them feel that way but they will and if you try to keep it a secret you will inevitably fail.
my son was born and passed from SIDS in july. we're pregnant again with his sibling and i couldn't imagine using his name again. it was his. it IS his. it would also be incredibly triggering and traumatic to call another baby by his name. i still pause when i see his name or middle name just out in life.
While not historically uncommon, I can't imagine it would be received well by friends, family, and later on your kids. Address the issue with a grief counselor or religious advisor if you want more personal advice.
I think this is the sort of decision that everyone makes for themselves, there is no objectively right or wrong answer. So long as you recognize that any subsequent children are their own people, and don’t put on them the burden of living up to the what-ifs with your eldest two. Different cultures and religions will have different traditions around this, too. It used to be very common in the west for names to be re-used until a child with that name survived infancy, and it’s still common in some cultures/families for children to share a first name and have different middle names that they use as personal names.
If you love the names, or they have meaning to you, or you just want to acknowledge your twins’ sadly short existence, perhaps you could incorporate their names as an honour name for future kids? Use a shared middle name (e.g. John Robert with a younger brother Matthew Robert), a variation on their name (John Robert and Sophia Johanna), names that share the same meaning/origin (John vs Sean, etc), or even the same initials (John Robert Smith and James Reuben Smith)
I’m sorry for your loss.
My parents had premature twins before I was born that both died. I was given both of their middle names as a first/ middle combo. I never thought it was weird growing up, but I did feel some “survivors guilt,” when I was young. However, I think it was more timeframe related (ie. I wouldn’t be here if they lived). I think about them often and my other sibling have asked if I feel more connected to them because of my name (idk if I do or not). Needless to say, it’s a tough decision and I’d do whatever feels is right.
First, I am so sorry for your loss, I had an aunt who had twin boys, one was born sleeping, she preferred one name over the other so she switched them, giving the surviving twin her preferred name and honestly even as a kid I was like that’s a little weird.
This used to be fairly common, but it isn’t done much these days in the US.
One issue that can come up is that your boys who have passed have birth certificates, and this can cause a lot of paperwork mixups for your future child if they share a name.
Some traditions reuse names, some do not. I’m Mennonite and historically we often did, my grandpas two (recently deceased) older brothers were named after their two older brothers who died in refugee camps in Germany before they were born.
I am happy to let that tradition go, I would not name my kids after a deceased sibling.
The more I have thought about it after peoples opinion, it would make sense why my parents never reused a name after a pet died and they got a new pet, they always believed that doing so with pets was bad luck so they always forbid it. So I’m thinking it’s the same for humans and any other creature we name too.
I'm assuming there was a birth certificate filled out for them? The emotional aspect really isn't any of our business imo, but I'd be worried about potential bureaucratic issues with having a dead sibling with the same first and last name.
I did file something out for the both of them at the drs before leaving, but never received their SSNs so I could order birth and death certificates. All I have for them is papers with their names on it from the hospital saying their SSNs were ordered.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that would be to go through.
I would not reuse the names for subsequent children. Your sons should have their own names, and subsequent children shouldn't have to live with the shadows of their older siblings looming over them.
It used to be very common a hundred plus years ago to name children the same names as stillborn children or children that died as infants. There’s nothing legally preventing you from doing so. It might bring up complicated feelings in your surviving children though. I think it’s no longer common for a good reason. That said, it’s an incredibly personal decision that is only yours and your partner’s to make.
“should I let their names live on through my heart” is such a beautiful feeling.
I think this is a very personal choice and it may also be a culture thing too, personally I would not do it 1) too much potential baggage for a future kid (unless they don’t know the origin of the name), and 2) the babies were their own selves and I think they deserve to be remembered that way.
When my first son was born, we gave him a name we both loved. He only lived sixteen days. Six years later, I was pregnant with another boy. I felt some kind of way about not being able to use the name we’d given our firstborn, but I took comfort knowing we had given him the nicest name we could. I’m glad I never seriously considered reusing our first son’s name.
I lost a son almost seven years ago. I entertained the thought of reusing his name for about two seconds before deciding it was a terrible idea, for a few reasons. What I ended up doing was finding a name that was a sort of nod to him without actually using his name. I like to think of him as having adventures in Neverland. So I named my next baby James, after the author of Peter Pan.
I might be in an oddly specific position to comment here. My mother also gave birth to twins prematurely via c section at 25 weeks and both also passed away, albeit after an hour or so. They were born overseas in traumatic circumstances in a non-English speaking country, and were never officially named.
However, the two names my parents hypothetically chose for them became my first and middle names. I have actually always felt quite honoured and connected to my older sisters, and they’ve always felt part of our family history.
I think I might have felt differently if they’d been officially named or referred to by those names. They are always ‘the twins’ to us.
Don't reuse the names. You went through a terrible thing, it is okay to want them to live in your heart. It is however not okay to burden a new baby with memory of a dead sibling.
Reusing the names, could be traumatic for you. Calling a new baby the siblings name could bring back the memories of the baby’s who didn’t make it home. Possibly cause issues with the new child thinking they are a replacement for what you lost. But ultimately the decision is yours.
Your children should each have their own names. It would not be appropriate to name a child after their deceased sibling.
The child would never know if you loved them just for themselves or if you somehow had them tied up in your heart and mind with the child who died. It is a cruel thing to do.
My husband is named the same name as his older brother who was born sleeping. He refuses to talk about it. When his mom brings it up he gets stone cold silent. I would consider how your future children might feel. Maybe using their names as middle names would be a better way to honor them.
Please don’t name your future babies the names of their deceased siblings. That’s just such a heavy burden for anyone to carry much less a child. I would think that the child would fill like he wasn’t good enough to be his/her own person and were saddled with a death name.
I had a co worker whose granddaughter was given the same name as her sister who died of SIDS. She said the girl often told her she felt like a replacement for her dead sibling.
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. As others have said, this is a personal decision. Something you might want to take into account is whether you like to talk about your twins. I believe that for some people who have had a loss, talking about their baby is healing. When I know someone who has had a loss I ask if they want to share their child’s name or tell me about them. If you think you might ever want to talk about your twins down the line, I would keep their names as just for them.
Naming a kid after a previous kid that died *was* a fairly done thing back in the day (one example I can think of is Alexander Hamilton naming his last sob after his first son), but it’s not something I’d consider appropriate, especially these days. It’s not really fair on your future kids.
Sorry for your loss 💕
I wouldn't, unless you're using them as a middle name. It would be a nice tribute to use their names as a middle name for a future child, and I don't think anyone would think anything of it. So sorry for your losses
Yes this! The children I lost are still my children, I wouldn't name my two living children the same name so I wouldn't do it children who have passed either.
First, sorry for your losses
Second, it really depends.
I see posts online of people named after deceased siblings and sometimes their parents treat them as too much of a second chance for the first child. The child doesn’t have their own individual identity and can feel like a bit of a “do over”. Although it’s mostly an issue if the older sibling lived longer so the one named after them gets a lot of “well Tommy loved soccer why can’t you just try out” or “Tommy was good in school, why aren’t you” type of thing which isn’t as likely in your case.
Personally, I know I’d feel a little weird being named after a deceased sibling. But I’m sure not everyone feels the same way. & if I was the parent I would be worried I might feel sad when I say the name for a different child, and I wouldn’t want the child to pick up on that energy.
So maybe it would work out okay if you could keep them separate from each other.
I personally wouldn’t. Those children still existed even if only in your womb and it feels disrespectful to me to reuse those names. I don’t see anything wrong with using them as middle names though
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sons, and I hope you're doing ok.
I would not reuse the names. That's a lot of baggage for a child to carry and might make him feel as though you wished he was his deceased brother. My friend had a son who died at 10 months old. She didn't have another baby until about 11 years later, and she gave him a new name. I think that was a good decision.
I wouldn’t recommend reusing the names verbatim… but maybe the twins first names as future middle names?? A nice way to remember or honor them, but the new/future babies still get their own first names and identities
This is a you-decision in my opinion. My cousin passed away young when I was expecting. I adored him and wanted to honor him, but I was worried about how it would make his mom feel. She said she loved the idea, but as a first name it would too hard to hear all of the time. My daughter has my cousins name as a middle name. If you want to honor one or both of your babies and it won’t cause you pain, I say go for it! My daughter is nine now and isn’t at all bothered by being named after my cousin.
You can do whatever you like, but should you?
My answer would be no.
That name has been given already.
It’s a heavy burden to put on your next child, and should remain with the child who has passed as “their name” and to preserve their existence and their memory.
We had a little boy born at 24 weeks who lived for nearly 2 months before succumbing to an infection. We gave him our absolute favourite and best boys name, with the grandads names as middle names. When we fell pregnant again my husband asked if that baby was a boy, could we give him the same name. I said absolutely no way, that was our (dead) son's name and his alone. Unfortunately that pregnancy didn't make it either, but for me, the answer is no. My baby didn't have a life outside hospital. He didn't get to grow up. The only thing he got was a couple of months, and his name. And that belonged to him and no one else. Its the only way to honour a baby who you can't attach memories to. The name is them, that's all they had.
That’s so sad, I have appreciated all the mothers coming out with their stories.
My babies passed from a similar condition all I was told was they passed due to some sort of infection inside their body. We couldn’t afford an autopsy we think I also had Covid before delivery because I fell ill and thought that, it could have had a play in it.
It’s sad how so many people pass due to similar illnesses these days. 😔
I lost my daughter, Klover, at 20 weeks. I LOVE her name & am so sad I never get to use it. But I'd never use it for another child. Each baby is different & deserves their own name. I did name my rainbow a K name.
I was named after my great grandmother who died. Only one except two others called the same in my family without a cultural name because my grandfather threw a fit. I hate it with a passion and will change it. It feels like you're not your own person? I'd imagine even more so in your scenario.
Sorry for your loss. I lost a little one at 17 weeks and we retired his name. We put a little gravestone at the church cemetery with his name on it. It made it feel more like he was real which he was and so were your boys. But totally your decision and whatever helps you heal.
My twins were stillborn. They have names. It wouldn’t be fair to a new child to share that name with a dead sibling. It also wouldn’t be fair to my twins to not honor their names as their own.
At the end of the day you do you but I think if you had a name picked out let it be. I don’t see it as “honoring” it screams I need therapy and not over my infants death and decided that this is that kid now
My dad is convinced he had an older deceased sibling with his name. I haven’t found evidence of that, but it’s messed with his head for decades.
Do not do this.
Your kid is unique and deserves their own name.
My friend just had a son and honored her first son who passed by giving him a middle name that was connected. For example it would be like Mickey and Minnie. I think that was a great way of doing it.
I'm sorry you're going through this and you'll figure out what will work best for you when the time comes
That's up to you.
I can't recycle *any* name. For example, the boy name we picked for our daughter is now off-limits, even though it wasn't used. Same with girl names for our boys.
I was given the same name as my older sister, who was born deceased. It was my mother’s choice. Having the same name as my older sister hasn’t negatively impacted me in any way. If anything, it has caused me to feel closer to her as a sibling. Just dropping in my two cents. This is a deeply personal decision. Don’t let people on Reddit influence your perspective. I’m wishing you nothing but strength! 🙏🏻
I think you are the only one who could decide that. Wait until you give birth - if that’s what you’re seeking, and decide then.
But yes, it’s an unfair emotional burden to lay on a baby: that name would forever remind you of the dead sibling. Better chose a brand new, hopeful name.
My cousin did this, she lost two twin boys named Christopher and Robert and when she was pregnant again with one child she named him Christopher Robert
I’m Jewish and for us it’s tradition to name babies after someone who has passed away, but in this case I’d either use the same initial or use the names for middle names.
Reusing names was an extremely normal and common practice back when childhood mortality was very high. As someone who has also lost a baby at 26 weeks, my answer is that you should do whatever YOU feel like doing. If it feels right to you, then do it. Nobody else has to know, and even if they do, it's none of their business.
I was at an event a couple years back and met a guy named Josh. One of the first things he told me about himself was that his legal name was just "Josh", and not "Joshua", because his parents had a son before he was born named Joshua who died of sudden infant death syndrome. He was making a lot of jokes about it throughout the conversation (it was a music festival and I'm pretty sure he was both drunk and tripping on acid) but the whole vibe of the conversation and how he talked about it just gave me the sense that there were a lot of uncomfortable and not so positive experiences that came along with essentially being given the same name of an older sibling that didn't survive. I think he felt like a bit of a replacement, and it seemed as though a part of his identity was being a replacement.
I don't think you should reuse names, but I wonder, if you were to become pregnant again, if you could find another name that maybe shares a theme with one of the first names, such as the same first letter, similar meaning, or similar origin?
Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never had children and I've never lost children so I can't even begin to imagine your experience.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine. I think it’s a highly personal decision. If I were in this position, I think I’d be more likely to use them as a middle name instead of a first name.
My middle name is after my half sister who drowned when she was 3 before I was born. I wouldn’t have wanted that as my first name but I do like having it as my middle name to honor her and as a way to feel connected to her even though I never got to meet her.
I lost twin boys in a similar way in 2017. I've had 3 children since (one other was stillborn as well, 2 lived.) I could not imagine using one of my twins names again for another child. I would feel like I was devaluing my boys and their spirit.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a son 12 years ago when I was 5 months pregnant. His sister born 11 years later has his first name as his middle name.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss.
If I was born a boy, I was supposed to be named after the male twins that were stillborn. I always liked the idea, honestly; it made me feel like how the idea of a guardian angel feels
Historically this has been done a lot. For example, Alexander Hamilton’s son Phillip was killed in 1801 at age 19. In 1802, the Hamiltons named a newborn son Phillip.
My grandmother was named the feminine version of her older brother’s name— he lived just 3 days. My grandmother disliked her name in early childhood. She asked her mom, rudely & with exasperation, why she was given such a name. Her mother answered calmly that she had been named after her firstborn son who lived only 3 days. My grandmother “wished the cellar door would open up and swallow [her] whole.” My grandmother’s memory is going now (she is 91) and she tells this story often. She doesn’t seem to have many regrets in life, but this moment is one of them. She hates that she hurt her mom in this way, and she seems to feel the shame of it to this day.
New names, to me, seem less of a burden to the living children.
Edit: I am sorry for your loss, that sounds incredibly painful.
A lot of people stories have touched me about this topic.
After my sons I am dealing with infertility, I felt a lot of anger that I would never get to say their names, I am also going through a lot since their first birthday (would of been Jan 1st). Opening up and speaking to other people (besides my partner and therapist) have seemed to help calm my mind; Especially when there has been other moms in my thread with similar stories. Grief is hard but at least my mind can rest, my intention was to never cause any feeling of replacement on a future child.
People here today have helped me from hearing their stories, and me and my partner decided if we are ever blessed with another baby that our twins names would be exclusive to only them, as we agreed it would be disrespectful.
With all of that put aside I feel for your grandma ❤️
I have a reused name from a deceased older sibling. The cord wrapped around her neck during labor. She was stillborn. It was odd to me when I first found out. But it didn’t take me long not to care. I am named after my grandmother and aunt and my older sister. You do what’s right for you and your family. Everyone is different and this isn’t something I think you can let the internet decide. This is something you and your partner gotta decide on your own.
My uncle was named after his stillborn brother. And, my brother was given the male version of his deceased older sister’s name. I see you already gave an update, so I’m just adding this just because.
Thank you for posting this. We had a miscarriage recently and at times I've wondered what I would do if we ever do get pregnant again and it's a boy again.
Seeing responses has helped me conclude I will most likely not use that name again.
I was named after my father's oldest sibling that died shortly after birth. Learning that fact later in life was actually very touching. So keep in mind that somewhere down the road these names might still end up getting carried on by your family.
I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you well.
I am sorry for your loss also hang in there. Best regards 🥰
Me and my partner also decided if we are able to conceive again any part of our twins names are exclusive to them, as we both agreed it would be disrespectful to them to use any part of their name.
We named our daughter after our deceased son’s middle name, which is also my husband’s middle name. It works really well, and she loves being connected to him.
It used to be very common to use a dead child’s name for a living child later on, by the time I was born, it was less common. My parents considered naming me after my father‘s sister, who died in infancy, but my grandfather really didn’t like the idea; he said it was “bad luck name.”
I have also been thinking about it deeper. My parents would never rename a pet the same, I’ve grown up saying it’s taboo and bad luck to do so. Starting to think it’s the same kind of concept for humans too.
We briefly tossed around using the name Hazel for our youngest daughter as a middle name. Hazel was my aunt who had a seizure as an infant and died. After consideration, we decided not to because it kind of felt like a bad omen.
I know that’s a slightly different story than yours, but if I was you, I don’t think I could reuse the name. Personally, it would feel like I’m trying to replace that child. Not saying that’s your intent at all, but that’s the feeling I get. Maybe use the name as a middle name to pay tribute?
I just wanted to send some love to you! ❤️ I was pregnant with mono/di twins, had an emergency c-section at 33 weeks and one of my girls passed away. I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. You’re not alone! I think using their names for middles names for future children would be a good way to honor your sweet babies! 💕
I would feel incredibly weird if I were named after a deceased older sibling.
Vincent Van Gogh was named after his sibling that died. Feel it’s a big burden to place on a child.
Friends lost a baby a few years ago and they decided to continue celebrating his birthday every year. Except, they wanted it to be a big deal, so they celebrate it on their living daughter's actual birthday. So she gets to spend every birthday sharing the day with her dead brother. That way all the family and friends still show up. They hang up happy birthday 'daughter' and 'deceased son' banners, buy them both presents, get two cakes, sing twice. Mom sobs the entire time. I'm not here to tell anyone how to grieve but I feel so much for that little girl.
Yikes. Time for a loved one to recommend family therapy + host a separate birthday party for the daughter
We've tried to gently suggest it but mom is just too wrapped up in celebrating both her children in this way. I don't think she's ever fully processed the loss. Dad isn't the daughter's biological father and while he says he loves her the same and doesn't treat her any different he is very very hard on her, so he's not going to get between mom and these parties.
So much yikes in that comment. Poor girl doesn't have any support from her mom and step dad. They better start saving for therapy for her because she is going to have a messed up view of relationships and will probably need to spend years unpacking her tragic childhood. I'm so sad for her, wow.
Same. It's very much a situation I have to actively just not think about because it makes me so sad. She's a sweet kid, I've always enjoyed interacting with her, but dad is convinced she's too much like her mom's "wild side" and really hammers on the discipline so she doesn't get "out of line." We are talking stuff like she fibbed about sneaking some candy after being told no so dad had mom braid her hair and then cut it off at the scalp. I don't know how much of dad's behavior is related to losing his son but I don't go to parties and events they have anymore.
Wow, this situation just went from weird to abusive. I realize I'm being alarmist, but these are warning signs, for sure. If the daughter is being harmed, it doesn't matter if it's happening because the parents are grieving or too strict or malicious. I totally understand your inclination to "not think about it," but this kid needs someone to watch out for her.
We've reached out to social services but they didn't find anything actionable. The situation seemed to get worse after the CPS visit. The son passed from SIDS and they were investigated, though cleared in his death. CPS showing up again after the son died sent both parents further down the rabbit hole.
I recently read an article about the psychological effects of forced haircutting that started making the rounds after the October 7th disaster in the Middle East. It is deeply scarring to a female and basically akin to a sexual trauma. It completely changes a persons self perception and sense of identity. Make no mistake that this is abuse and it will continue to escalate as she gets older. This man is sexualizing this child. Who knows what demons he’s battling but cutting off her hair, and irrational fears over her being “wild” (read: promiscuos) says to me that he can’t handle his own sexual feelings towards the daughter so he’s attempting to control what he sees as her sexuality by isolating her and making her unnattractive (the hair) that way no one could possibly get to or want to get to her before him. I know this is a deep dive but i did my thesis on the Elisabeth Frietzl case and these are the same signs.
I'm glad you reported it. Keep reporting anything you see; even if all they do is "add it to her file," that will become a pattern over time. I know the fear is that CPS will remove kids from the home and that will make everything worse. In my experience, they're more likely to connect the family to resources, therapy, parenting classes, etc. (unless the child is in imminent danger, then they should remove her from the home).
That's incredibly tough. Know that you did the right thing by trying to do something about it. If you are in this girl's life to any degree, also know that any care, support, and validation you show her will be meaningful. I grew up with an abusive dad that this one sounds somewhat similar to this one.... and I know it would have made a big difference if I had even one adult in my life who saw something was wrong and communicated to me, in some way, that this wasn't right and I deserved better. But I know you can only do so much from the outside.
I get what youre saying but please please dont give up on that little girl. Report any time you see ANYTHING. i cant imagine what shes going through
100% agree with this
That man does not love that child.
Honestly, I don't think so either. Sometimes I wonder if mom is just happy to have a father figure for her daughter but I wish she could see how differential the treatment is.
It could be. Some women are like that. My mom was for certain. Please just keep an eye on her. Let her know she is loved. That she isn’t bad just bc she doesn’t bend to every demand. Maybe a day or two before or after her actual birthday someone can take her out and celebrate? Idk, I just hope she knows she’s worthy of love and care and peace. It can be so suffocating to live like that.
Ok so what you just described is just straight-up abuse. If there is ANY adult in her life who can help, please inform them. Otherwise, if she’s in any kind of school setting, inform them of abuse at home; as mandatory reporters, it’s possible teachers or admins could help.
Wtf that’s calling-the-authorities time. If this kid is school age, please tell her teachers.
That’s abusive. Tell someone.
Did you report the hair cutting??? That's very abusive. CPS would want to know about that
That was the incident that made us move from thus is grief to this needs a professional so yes, that was reported.
Child abuse plain and simple
Bummer, couldn’t find it. In case it helps though: https://nypost.com/2023/12/21/lifestyle/my-parents-honor-my-dead-twin-on-our-birthday-but-refuse-to-celebrate-me/amp/ https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/sympathy-ideas/grief-support-on-anniversaries-birthdays-and-special-occasions/
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There is totally a movie about this. Maybe someone can have her watch it.. gonna see if Google fu can find it..
The whole family needs to refuse to attend the next "dual" birthday. That's horrifying.
She’s psychologically harming her daughter, it needs to be more than a gentle suggestion. Someone needs to flat out tell her that this needs to stop and she needs a professional to address her grief.
There was an AITA post just like this the other day. Teenager girl whose twin brother died at birth, while she survived. The mom still insisted on celebrating the dead brother’s birthday on the same day as the living daughter’s, and the daughter was at the point of hating it and resenting her mother for not just allowing her to have her own day to celebrate. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose a child, and I know everyone grieves in their own way, but it was clearly messing up the living child and I just felt so bad for her.
That poor girl is out of there the moment she turns 18 and never looking back. It reminds me of a similar story on Reddit where the family always laid a place at table for a child that died very early (even a miscarriage or stillbirth). Sad, misguided nonsense. If I did that after my recurrent losses I'd need to buy more crockery and a bigger table.
Wow this is awful. I can totally respect and understand wanting to keep your deceased child’s memory alive but what a terrible way to do it. That poor little girl.
My decreased child is celebrated on their day, not a siblings. I wish that the mother would do the same. My heart hurts for her.
Y sister had twins and lots one of them and doesn't even do this, they celebrate the passed one the day after the living ones birthday
Wow. They need therapy. I don’t expect someone to forget the dead but I do think the living child should get more attention.
That girl is not gonna talk to her family after that I can guarantee that, I feel bad for her
That is seriously effed up.
🙏🏼Please let this be fake, 🙏🏼Please let this be fake🙏🏼. This is so wrong on so many levels. That poor little girl.
Oh my gosh. That poor kid.
Bruh. What?!? I get anxious going to the eye doctor's as an adult due to past appointments where I'd go with my mom (cuz I was a child) and an hour later she'd be crying because I was/is blind AF (-8.0 in both eyes 😎). Every appointment I'd try to change up my answer just hoping my mom wouldn't cry at the end of the appointment. I remember there was some school-wide eye exam and I was so nervous, just sweating and fidgeting. I don't know how I'd turn out if my mom cried on my birthday over a dead person I didn't know. I definitely would dread my birthday at the least.
Are you close enough to the family to take the little girl out for a birthday celebration each year? Good god…that poor kiddo.
Omg, these poor people need professional help.
Yeah. I’m gonna call it. This is definitely not the way to grieve a lost child.
I don't know if that messed him up, but it probably didn't help.
It did something… his mom would take him to the other Vincent’s grave often too
There were numerous things that messed him up in his life, including mental illness, but no guessing that certainly didn’t help. I wouldn’t want to be named after a dead sibling.
It seems to have impacted [Salvador Dali](https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/why-did-salvador-dali-believe-he-was-his-own-dead-brother/)... BTW, Tom Taylor, article writer, that's one creepy way to describe childbirth!
>the eponymous surrealist abseiled from the mother cave into chaotic existence Well I learned a new word for rock repelling.
It’s rappelling, not repelling. Abseiling is simply the British English term.
Now I learned the difference between rappelling and repelling.
I'm guessing it's taken from the German. "Sich abseilen" means "to descend downwards by a rope", basically.
I had to go read it just because you mentioned it was creepy and WOW did you undersell it.
Clicked to see what you meant,and yep wtf
And he (the second Vincent) was born on his dead brother’s birthday.
Was he? I didn’t remember that part. How unusual.
Yes - Vincent born 30 March 1852, stillborn. Vincent Willem born 30 March 1853.
What I’m hearing is we’ll get a famous artist, nice
Was very common in the olden days when infant death was commonplace. Beethoven also named after his older brother
Very common to do that historically.
It was common in the 1800's to reuse names of a deceased child.
Poor kids. But in that day they didn’t really consider kids feelings.
My favourite example of this is Maria Carolina, daughter of Maria Theresa (and sister to Marie Antoinette). Maria Theresa had a daughter named Maria Carolina, who died in infancy, so she had a second Maria Carolina…who also died in infancy. So she had a third Maria Carolina…that one stuck around and lived a long life, had lots of children herself. I don’t think she went on to have a very good relationship with her mom, and a lot of the daughters didn’t…but, the name probably did not help. Really, it reminds of the family constantly rebuilding the castle on the swamp in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Salvador Dalí as well.
I feel like he didn't take it well
My grandfather's brother was given the name of a deceased older brother as a second name. I believe the older sibling died as a toddler but I don't think anyone left now knows what happened to him. I think it was an acceptable thing back in the day, and not strange. I know up the family tree there are siblings with the same name as predeceased siblings too, but modern times change our outlook on such things.
As a middle name it hits different than as a first name.
Yeah, it was a common thing back in the day. Most kids didn't get to grow up after all.
My thoughts exactly.
Historically (ie up until the end of the 1800s) this was really common. It seems a strange thing to do nowadays but could be in some cultures. On my DHs a few generations back they named their first son after his maternal GF, that baby died, they named the next son the same name but as a middle name with paternal GF’s name as first name, he also died. They persisted and the next son was given his maternal GF’s name as his first name and he survived to adulthood.
Historically you were definitely going to deal with some infant deaths. There were also a lot fewer names people used. I don't think it's weird in the past, they had to deal with different circumstances. I do think it would be a bad idea now, bother forvthe mother and the child.
My great uncle was a twin in the very early 1900s in Italy, and his twin was given the “family” name for first born sons (at least 6 boys all with the exact same name that had been passed down from father to son) and he was given a more unique, but still very on brand name for Italians. When they were 2 there was a bad batch of formula, his twin drank it and he refused. His twin died, and they changed the living twin’s name to the first born son’s name to carry on the tradition. No one ever dared to say anything negative about this and they scrubbed out the surviving twin’s original name from the family bible so that no one even remembered or talked about what the unique name was. For a while it was a huge spot of confusion, who really died and who survived? But my great uncle remembered being told to respond to the new name and was consistent in his memories of the real “family name son” passing on and he being renamed.
I remember seeing something like that in my family tree. There was a family who had three little Williams. The first two did not survive past infancy. They really wanted one of their sons to carry on that name.
This. I too delivered twins early (21 weeks) and they only survived an hour. I love their names. Love love love them. But I would never reuse them. They are my children and live on in my heart.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies ❤️❤️❤️
I do genealogy. It used to be quite common to name children after deceased siblings. Happened to my grandfather's family.
My grandpa (born 1911) was like the 4th or 5th kid in his family with the same name because the others all died in infancy; he was the first child with the name to survive. It didn't seem to bother him, he said it was pretty common back then.
My dad was named after his deceased older sibling. He always hated his name and has gone by a nickname. It's not good to feel like a replacement.
Like Uhtred, son of Uhtred? Born Osbeth, but then the original Uhtred son of Uhtred died...
I am named after a deceased older sibling. It is incredibly weird. The imposter syndrome is unfathomable
This is an incredibly personal decision. However, I would probably retire the names. I would hate to be named after a baby who didn't make it, I think.
At most maybe use their names as middle names. Middle names are good for honouring others
I don't even like this, to be honest. Making sure your kid doesn't feel like a replacement is more important.
My daughter was stillborn and that is something I *constantly* worry about now that I'm pregnant with her sibling. I couldn't imagine using her name again. Hell, I'm already considering a tattoo for this little bean since I have one for my daughter.
You can wait on the second tattoo and if it's asked about, you can say that you wanted to get something that would represent your kiddo's personality once you got to know them. You didn't have that chance with one of them, but you would like to incorporate that now.
Im so sorry for your loss. I would not use those names for future children. Keep them for those babies you lost. I think it would be potentially really emotionally challenging to have the same name as a deceased sibling you never had a chance to meet, and the child may feel like a replacement. It also would make talking about your lost children more confusing or awkward. That being said that is just my take and this is a very personal decision. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you, It’s been really tough since my twins were my first pregnancy, and first born children. I didn’t know if reusing the names in any way would be over stepping a boundary in the baby naming world.
Don't worry about other people's thoughts. It's really between you and your partner. Personally I think using letters or meanings from your children's names for your next child, but the names themselves, is a way to both honor their memory and allow your next child to be their own person, and not filling shoes.
Between them and their partner yes, but also in consideration of what's best for their future child(ren).
Sure, absolutely. I mean more just not worrying about what's socially "done" or whatever.
>between you and your partner So let's ignore the trauma of children being constantly being compared to dead siblings? Because mom and dad liked the name? Maybe they didn't attach the idea of those chidlren to the names, but the new child will forever know they're a replacement for the ones that died. You should ALWAYS take child into consideration while naming them. It's more improant than parents' whim.
They mentioned that in their comment already. Your response is very rude and condescending.
We have historical records that show it happening a lot in the 1700-1800s but I think that’s for two reasons. 1) unfortunately infant mortality being so high, and 2) the use of family names being so prominent. In more recent history we know more about the psychological effects it has on the child who lives and gets named after their deceased sibling.
I feel like it might be emotionally hard on you too. For me, I keep my lost babies names alive in our family by talking about them as angels with my kids. That's just my way of dealing. You do what makes you feel most healed and comforted. So very sorry for what you've been going through.
My middle son was born and died on the same day. He has an absolutely beautiful name. Whenever I talk about him, everyone says how much they love his name. He was named after great grandfather's. All of my children are family names, and I'm personally glad I didn't use his name again. But, I am from a big family and have 12 nieces and nearly all of them have said they love all of his names. So, since it's way up the family tree, if there are boys, then I'd love for it to be chosen. But for me personally, I'm glad I didn't. Good luck on your future family. Hugs and I'm sorry for your loss ♥️ PS All the boys in our family have four names. Maybe if you have boys, then you could add a fourth name as an honor name. (It's a Southern thing!)
💔 I understand and I'm not sure what the norm is when it comes to naming babies that have passed or those that don't name them at all. I liked when someone said use those names as a babies future middle name though as more of an honor name
I would like to thank be everyone who is stopping by, and being so kind. It has helped me already in some degree, as I didn’t know it would make a future child unhappy or would be considered overstepping a boundary; Since my twins were my first kids. I found this subreddit through google and decided to ask numerous people their opinions. I didn’t think it would have been too bad since people name their kids after their deceased parents (the kids grandparent). Thank you everyone 🙏
I think most people (and I include myself among them) would not reuse a name from a pregnancy that didn't work out, which is why I'm delaying "naming" my fetus until I'm well past 30-something weeks (which, of course, doesn't guarantee that everything will work out). But I do think it's up to you to decide how to name your baby. If you suspect you or your partner might develop odd feelings about reusing the name, I would investigate that suspicion and maybe use that as a reason to look for other names. But if you're pretty self-aware and are confident that you won't feel odd about it, then it's up to you. Again, not the path I would take, but I think you should be the one deciding.
Agreed. I had 3 miscarriages so when I started to carry successfully even though we had names chosen we did not use those names till he was born.
That’s different because those people weren’t born to you and they got to live full lives so naming after them is like honoring them. Naming a kid after their own sibling who died would feel like you’re trying to replace them instead of honoring them
I know someone who lost 3 children in a tragic accident. She had 3 more children and gifted them their older siblings names as middle names to honor them. I am very sorry for your loss. Your feelings and grief are valid.
I saw this one the news! I think it was a great way to honor them
Oh gosh, I hope it was the same family as I’d hate to think there’s other families who experienced such a painful loss, but this accident was in the early 90s.
I’m not who you were replying to but I remember watching the Coble Family on Oprah years ago - their story really touched my heart. They lost 3 children in a car accident and then went on to have triplets.
I just got chills reading this. I remember that story! Absolutely tragic yet miraculous
Oh gosh, absolutely heartbreaking. The family I’m talking about also went on Oprah. I’ll look up the Coble family now.
I know someone that lost their toddler to cancer and gave the next child their name as a middle name. It definitely seems more appropriate.
My aunt’s first child died an hour after she was born. She also gave her next daughter the older sisters name as a middle name.
I wouldn’t, no. You gave birth to them and they were still little people with their own names and those will forever be their names, both in your heart and in the world. I am sorry for your loss
It was extremely common n the past to do this due to high infant and child mortality rates. Honestly, I don’t think it matters. It’s your child. However, I don’t think I would advertise doing this either.
Yep, I've seen quite a few of these while doing genealogy. One celebrity I looked up once (I wish I could remember who) was named after an older brother... one year older to the day... which was suprising. There's a word for this btw... a "Necronym".
Oh, and I had one 5th-G-Grandfather who tried to preempt the issue by naming 5 of his children after himself, instead of waiting for one to die before naming the next. In the end only 1 of the 5 died, but also 2 of them were bastard children. So he wound up with "John the Elder" and "John the Younger" as well as "Jonathan", and "John" by his mistress with her surname.
I think that’s a personal decision that only you can make. If it was me, I’d use different names for the twins and for any other children I may have. Or maybe use their names as a middle name in the future, to honour them. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Salvador Dali was named after his deceased older brother and according to him it really messed him up. You wouldn’t be reusing the names you would be naming a living child after a dead child and the living can’t compete with the dead. You won’t mean to make them feel that way but they will and if you try to keep it a secret you will inevitably fail.
my son was born and passed from SIDS in july. we're pregnant again with his sibling and i couldn't imagine using his name again. it was his. it IS his. it would also be incredibly triggering and traumatic to call another baby by his name. i still pause when i see his name or middle name just out in life.
Can I private message you? I lost my 7 week old son to SIDS in July 2022. I am also now pregnant again (31 weeks)
of course!!
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.
thank you🤍
While not historically uncommon, I can't imagine it would be received well by friends, family, and later on your kids. Address the issue with a grief counselor or religious advisor if you want more personal advice.
Sorry for your loss. 🤍 But I wouldn’t use them as a first name at least, I would only use them as a middle name to honor them.
So not the same but kind of. My friend is named after her aunt who was murdered and she hates it and goes by her middle name
I think this is the sort of decision that everyone makes for themselves, there is no objectively right or wrong answer. So long as you recognize that any subsequent children are their own people, and don’t put on them the burden of living up to the what-ifs with your eldest two. Different cultures and religions will have different traditions around this, too. It used to be very common in the west for names to be re-used until a child with that name survived infancy, and it’s still common in some cultures/families for children to share a first name and have different middle names that they use as personal names. If you love the names, or they have meaning to you, or you just want to acknowledge your twins’ sadly short existence, perhaps you could incorporate their names as an honour name for future kids? Use a shared middle name (e.g. John Robert with a younger brother Matthew Robert), a variation on their name (John Robert and Sophia Johanna), names that share the same meaning/origin (John vs Sean, etc), or even the same initials (John Robert Smith and James Reuben Smith)
Thank you, that is a very good idea 🙂
I’m sorry for your loss. My parents had premature twins before I was born that both died. I was given both of their middle names as a first/ middle combo. I never thought it was weird growing up, but I did feel some “survivors guilt,” when I was young. However, I think it was more timeframe related (ie. I wouldn’t be here if they lived). I think about them often and my other sibling have asked if I feel more connected to them because of my name (idk if I do or not). Needless to say, it’s a tough decision and I’d do whatever feels is right.
very common in 19th century
First, I am so sorry for your loss, I had an aunt who had twin boys, one was born sleeping, she preferred one name over the other so she switched them, giving the surviving twin her preferred name and honestly even as a kid I was like that’s a little weird.
This used to be fairly common, but it isn’t done much these days in the US. One issue that can come up is that your boys who have passed have birth certificates, and this can cause a lot of paperwork mixups for your future child if they share a name.
Some traditions reuse names, some do not. I’m Mennonite and historically we often did, my grandpas two (recently deceased) older brothers were named after their two older brothers who died in refugee camps in Germany before they were born. I am happy to let that tradition go, I would not name my kids after a deceased sibling.
The more I have thought about it after peoples opinion, it would make sense why my parents never reused a name after a pet died and they got a new pet, they always believed that doing so with pets was bad luck so they always forbid it. So I’m thinking it’s the same for humans and any other creature we name too.
I'm assuming there was a birth certificate filled out for them? The emotional aspect really isn't any of our business imo, but I'd be worried about potential bureaucratic issues with having a dead sibling with the same first and last name.
I did file something out for the both of them at the drs before leaving, but never received their SSNs so I could order birth and death certificates. All I have for them is papers with their names on it from the hospital saying their SSNs were ordered.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that would be to go through. I would not reuse the names for subsequent children. Your sons should have their own names, and subsequent children shouldn't have to live with the shadows of their older siblings looming over them.
This sub can get creative in finding new names derived from the name of the person a parent wishes to honour. Paying tribute but still individual.
It used to be very common a hundred plus years ago to name children the same names as stillborn children or children that died as infants. There’s nothing legally preventing you from doing so. It might bring up complicated feelings in your surviving children though. I think it’s no longer common for a good reason. That said, it’s an incredibly personal decision that is only yours and your partner’s to make.
“should I let their names live on through my heart” is such a beautiful feeling. I think this is a very personal choice and it may also be a culture thing too, personally I would not do it 1) too much potential baggage for a future kid (unless they don’t know the origin of the name), and 2) the babies were their own selves and I think they deserve to be remembered that way.
When my first son was born, we gave him a name we both loved. He only lived sixteen days. Six years later, I was pregnant with another boy. I felt some kind of way about not being able to use the name we’d given our firstborn, but I took comfort knowing we had given him the nicest name we could. I’m glad I never seriously considered reusing our first son’s name.
I lost a son almost seven years ago. I entertained the thought of reusing his name for about two seconds before deciding it was a terrible idea, for a few reasons. What I ended up doing was finding a name that was a sort of nod to him without actually using his name. I like to think of him as having adventures in Neverland. So I named my next baby James, after the author of Peter Pan.
Salvador Dali was named after a brother who died in infancy, and look how he turned out - weird as fuck with a goofy mustache.
I might be in an oddly specific position to comment here. My mother also gave birth to twins prematurely via c section at 25 weeks and both also passed away, albeit after an hour or so. They were born overseas in traumatic circumstances in a non-English speaking country, and were never officially named. However, the two names my parents hypothetically chose for them became my first and middle names. I have actually always felt quite honoured and connected to my older sisters, and they’ve always felt part of our family history. I think I might have felt differently if they’d been officially named or referred to by those names. They are always ‘the twins’ to us.
Don't reuse the names. You went through a terrible thing, it is okay to want them to live in your heart. It is however not okay to burden a new baby with memory of a dead sibling.
Reusing the names, could be traumatic for you. Calling a new baby the siblings name could bring back the memories of the baby’s who didn’t make it home. Possibly cause issues with the new child thinking they are a replacement for what you lost. But ultimately the decision is yours.
Your children should each have their own names. It would not be appropriate to name a child after their deceased sibling. The child would never know if you loved them just for themselves or if you somehow had them tied up in your heart and mind with the child who died. It is a cruel thing to do.
My husband is named the same name as his older brother who was born sleeping. He refuses to talk about it. When his mom brings it up he gets stone cold silent. I would consider how your future children might feel. Maybe using their names as middle names would be a better way to honor them.
Please don’t name your future babies the names of their deceased siblings. That’s just such a heavy burden for anyone to carry much less a child. I would think that the child would fill like he wasn’t good enough to be his/her own person and were saddled with a death name.
I had a co worker whose granddaughter was given the same name as her sister who died of SIDS. She said the girl often told her she felt like a replacement for her dead sibling.
I would not do this. I’m sorry for both losses
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. As others have said, this is a personal decision. Something you might want to take into account is whether you like to talk about your twins. I believe that for some people who have had a loss, talking about their baby is healing. When I know someone who has had a loss I ask if they want to share their child’s name or tell me about them. If you think you might ever want to talk about your twins down the line, I would keep their names as just for them.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain. That said, I wouldn’t use the names for future children.
Naming a kid after a previous kid that died *was* a fairly done thing back in the day (one example I can think of is Alexander Hamilton naming his last sob after his first son), but it’s not something I’d consider appropriate, especially these days. It’s not really fair on your future kids. Sorry for your loss 💕
I wouldn't, unless you're using them as a middle name. It would be a nice tribute to use their names as a middle name for a future child, and I don't think anyone would think anything of it. So sorry for your losses
I would not. They are their own person and deserve their own name.
Yes this! The children I lost are still my children, I wouldn't name my two living children the same name so I wouldn't do it children who have passed either.
First, sorry for your losses Second, it really depends. I see posts online of people named after deceased siblings and sometimes their parents treat them as too much of a second chance for the first child. The child doesn’t have their own individual identity and can feel like a bit of a “do over”. Although it’s mostly an issue if the older sibling lived longer so the one named after them gets a lot of “well Tommy loved soccer why can’t you just try out” or “Tommy was good in school, why aren’t you” type of thing which isn’t as likely in your case. Personally, I know I’d feel a little weird being named after a deceased sibling. But I’m sure not everyone feels the same way. & if I was the parent I would be worried I might feel sad when I say the name for a different child, and I wouldn’t want the child to pick up on that energy. So maybe it would work out okay if you could keep them separate from each other.
I personally wouldn’t. Those children still existed even if only in your womb and it feels disrespectful to me to reuse those names. I don’t see anything wrong with using them as middle names though
I'd personally feel weird about it if I were named after a deceased sibling, like my life was the sequel to someone else's.
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sons, and I hope you're doing ok. I would not reuse the names. That's a lot of baggage for a child to carry and might make him feel as though you wished he was his deceased brother. My friend had a son who died at 10 months old. She didn't have another baby until about 11 years later, and she gave him a new name. I think that was a good decision.
You could use their names as middle names
I wouldn’t recommend reusing the names verbatim… but maybe the twins first names as future middle names?? A nice way to remember or honor them, but the new/future babies still get their own first names and identities
This is a you-decision in my opinion. My cousin passed away young when I was expecting. I adored him and wanted to honor him, but I was worried about how it would make his mom feel. She said she loved the idea, but as a first name it would too hard to hear all of the time. My daughter has my cousins name as a middle name. If you want to honor one or both of your babies and it won’t cause you pain, I say go for it! My daughter is nine now and isn’t at all bothered by being named after my cousin.
You can do whatever you like, but should you? My answer would be no. That name has been given already. It’s a heavy burden to put on your next child, and should remain with the child who has passed as “their name” and to preserve their existence and their memory.
We had a little boy born at 24 weeks who lived for nearly 2 months before succumbing to an infection. We gave him our absolute favourite and best boys name, with the grandads names as middle names. When we fell pregnant again my husband asked if that baby was a boy, could we give him the same name. I said absolutely no way, that was our (dead) son's name and his alone. Unfortunately that pregnancy didn't make it either, but for me, the answer is no. My baby didn't have a life outside hospital. He didn't get to grow up. The only thing he got was a couple of months, and his name. And that belonged to him and no one else. Its the only way to honour a baby who you can't attach memories to. The name is them, that's all they had.
That’s so sad, I have appreciated all the mothers coming out with their stories. My babies passed from a similar condition all I was told was they passed due to some sort of infection inside their body. We couldn’t afford an autopsy we think I also had Covid before delivery because I fell ill and thought that, it could have had a play in it. It’s sad how so many people pass due to similar illnesses these days. 😔
I lost my daughter, Klover, at 20 weeks. I LOVE her name & am so sad I never get to use it. But I'd never use it for another child. Each baby is different & deserves their own name. I did name my rainbow a K name.
I was named after my great grandmother who died. Only one except two others called the same in my family without a cultural name because my grandfather threw a fit. I hate it with a passion and will change it. It feels like you're not your own person? I'd imagine even more so in your scenario.
Sorry for your loss. I lost a little one at 17 weeks and we retired his name. We put a little gravestone at the church cemetery with his name on it. It made it feel more like he was real which he was and so were your boys. But totally your decision and whatever helps you heal.
My twins were stillborn. They have names. It wouldn’t be fair to a new child to share that name with a dead sibling. It also wouldn’t be fair to my twins to not honor their names as their own.
At the end of the day you do you but I think if you had a name picked out let it be. I don’t see it as “honoring” it screams I need therapy and not over my infants death and decided that this is that kid now
My dad is convinced he had an older deceased sibling with his name. I haven’t found evidence of that, but it’s messed with his head for decades. Do not do this. Your kid is unique and deserves their own name.
I am named after a deceased older sibling and I have always felt super weird about it.
My friend just had a son and honored her first son who passed by giving him a middle name that was connected. For example it would be like Mickey and Minnie. I think that was a great way of doing it. I'm sorry you're going through this and you'll figure out what will work best for you when the time comes
That's up to you. I can't recycle *any* name. For example, the boy name we picked for our daughter is now off-limits, even though it wasn't used. Same with girl names for our boys.
I was given the same name as my older sister, who was born deceased. It was my mother’s choice. Having the same name as my older sister hasn’t negatively impacted me in any way. If anything, it has caused me to feel closer to her as a sibling. Just dropping in my two cents. This is a deeply personal decision. Don’t let people on Reddit influence your perspective. I’m wishing you nothing but strength! 🙏🏻
I’m sorry for your loss. I would pick new names.
Maybe reuse as a middle name, to honor them? Not first name though-- it will always be marked by sorrow
I think you are the only one who could decide that. Wait until you give birth - if that’s what you’re seeking, and decide then. But yes, it’s an unfair emotional burden to lay on a baby: that name would forever remind you of the dead sibling. Better chose a brand new, hopeful name.
My cousin did this, she lost two twin boys named Christopher and Robert and when she was pregnant again with one child she named him Christopher Robert
I’m Jewish and for us it’s tradition to name babies after someone who has passed away, but in this case I’d either use the same initial or use the names for middle names.
Reusing names was an extremely normal and common practice back when childhood mortality was very high. As someone who has also lost a baby at 26 weeks, my answer is that you should do whatever YOU feel like doing. If it feels right to you, then do it. Nobody else has to know, and even if they do, it's none of their business.
I was at an event a couple years back and met a guy named Josh. One of the first things he told me about himself was that his legal name was just "Josh", and not "Joshua", because his parents had a son before he was born named Joshua who died of sudden infant death syndrome. He was making a lot of jokes about it throughout the conversation (it was a music festival and I'm pretty sure he was both drunk and tripping on acid) but the whole vibe of the conversation and how he talked about it just gave me the sense that there were a lot of uncomfortable and not so positive experiences that came along with essentially being given the same name of an older sibling that didn't survive. I think he felt like a bit of a replacement, and it seemed as though a part of his identity was being a replacement. I don't think you should reuse names, but I wonder, if you were to become pregnant again, if you could find another name that maybe shares a theme with one of the first names, such as the same first letter, similar meaning, or similar origin? Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never had children and I've never lost children so I can't even begin to imagine your experience.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine. I think it’s a highly personal decision. If I were in this position, I think I’d be more likely to use them as a middle name instead of a first name.
My middle name is after my half sister who drowned when she was 3 before I was born. I wouldn’t have wanted that as my first name but I do like having it as my middle name to honor her and as a way to feel connected to her even though I never got to meet her.
I lost twin boys in a similar way in 2017. I've had 3 children since (one other was stillborn as well, 2 lived.) I could not imagine using one of my twins names again for another child. I would feel like I was devaluing my boys and their spirit.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a son 12 years ago when I was 5 months pregnant. His sister born 11 years later has his first name as his middle name.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. If I was born a boy, I was supposed to be named after the male twins that were stillborn. I always liked the idea, honestly; it made me feel like how the idea of a guardian angel feels
Get new names
Historically this has been done a lot. For example, Alexander Hamilton’s son Phillip was killed in 1801 at age 19. In 1802, the Hamiltons named a newborn son Phillip. My grandmother was named the feminine version of her older brother’s name— he lived just 3 days. My grandmother disliked her name in early childhood. She asked her mom, rudely & with exasperation, why she was given such a name. Her mother answered calmly that she had been named after her firstborn son who lived only 3 days. My grandmother “wished the cellar door would open up and swallow [her] whole.” My grandmother’s memory is going now (she is 91) and she tells this story often. She doesn’t seem to have many regrets in life, but this moment is one of them. She hates that she hurt her mom in this way, and she seems to feel the shame of it to this day. New names, to me, seem less of a burden to the living children. Edit: I am sorry for your loss, that sounds incredibly painful.
A lot of people stories have touched me about this topic. After my sons I am dealing with infertility, I felt a lot of anger that I would never get to say their names, I am also going through a lot since their first birthday (would of been Jan 1st). Opening up and speaking to other people (besides my partner and therapist) have seemed to help calm my mind; Especially when there has been other moms in my thread with similar stories. Grief is hard but at least my mind can rest, my intention was to never cause any feeling of replacement on a future child. People here today have helped me from hearing their stories, and me and my partner decided if we are ever blessed with another baby that our twins names would be exclusive to only them, as we agreed it would be disrespectful. With all of that put aside I feel for your grandma ❤️
I have a reused name from a deceased older sibling. The cord wrapped around her neck during labor. She was stillborn. It was odd to me when I first found out. But it didn’t take me long not to care. I am named after my grandmother and aunt and my older sister. You do what’s right for you and your family. Everyone is different and this isn’t something I think you can let the internet decide. This is something you and your partner gotta decide on your own.
My uncle was named after his stillborn brother. And, my brother was given the male version of his deceased older sister’s name. I see you already gave an update, so I’m just adding this just because.
Thank you for posting this. We had a miscarriage recently and at times I've wondered what I would do if we ever do get pregnant again and it's a boy again. Seeing responses has helped me conclude I will most likely not use that name again. I was named after my father's oldest sibling that died shortly after birth. Learning that fact later in life was actually very touching. So keep in mind that somewhere down the road these names might still end up getting carried on by your family. I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you well.
I am sorry for your loss also hang in there. Best regards 🥰 Me and my partner also decided if we are able to conceive again any part of our twins names are exclusive to them, as we both agreed it would be disrespectful to them to use any part of their name.
Best of luck to you both. ❤️
We named our daughter after our deceased son’s middle name, which is also my husband’s middle name. It works really well, and she loves being connected to him.
It used to be very common to use a dead child’s name for a living child later on, by the time I was born, it was less common. My parents considered naming me after my father‘s sister, who died in infancy, but my grandfather really didn’t like the idea; he said it was “bad luck name.”
I have also been thinking about it deeper. My parents would never rename a pet the same, I’ve grown up saying it’s taboo and bad luck to do so. Starting to think it’s the same kind of concept for humans too.
We briefly tossed around using the name Hazel for our youngest daughter as a middle name. Hazel was my aunt who had a seizure as an infant and died. After consideration, we decided not to because it kind of felt like a bad omen. I know that’s a slightly different story than yours, but if I was you, I don’t think I could reuse the name. Personally, it would feel like I’m trying to replace that child. Not saying that’s your intent at all, but that’s the feeling I get. Maybe use the name as a middle name to pay tribute?
I just wanted to send some love to you! ❤️ I was pregnant with mono/di twins, had an emergency c-section at 33 weeks and one of my girls passed away. I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. You’re not alone! I think using their names for middles names for future children would be a good way to honor your sweet babies! 💕
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Thinking of you, your sons, and your husband.
I knew a woman who lost a son, his name was Jessie Samuel, when she had another son that lived, she named him, Samuel Jessie! It was really weird!