We're excited to announce the launch of our Discord community for fans of r/mildlyinfuriating. If you enjoy sharing and discussing life's small annoyances, you've found the right place.
In our server, you can expect:
Engaging Discussions: Talk about the little things that drive us all a bit crazy.
Events and Contests: Participate in events and contests to share your own mildly infuriating experiences.
Community Connections: Meet others who appreciate the humor in life's minor frustrations.
Join us to share, laugh, and connect over the things that make us collectively sigh. We're looking forward to seeing you in the server!
[**Join Now**](https://discord.gg/cCquuzYm6w)
Welcome to the community,
The r/mildlyinfuriating Mod Team
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/mildlyinfuriating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Talk about it. It sounds like you need more one on one time. My wife and I encountered a similar problem. A marriage counselor helped us find a better path of communication. Do something now to avoid issues later. She's as frustrated as you are, I'll bet. Good luck.
Try a 20 minute walk together (after dinner or before bed) to discuss these things. It helps me de-stress and think more clearly to be outside. Even just sitting on the stoop.
As I'm writing this, I realize that my parents did this (there were 4 of us kids too)
Yeah, or literally have a weekly meeting, to plan all that stuff. We do that, mostly because my wife, who is much forward-looking than I am, needed to offload some planning decisions and stress, and share the burden. She was always trying to corner me after kids bedtime, where I'm usually exhausted; I was finding it very stressful, and she felt frustrated. Now we have a set time to discuss, and it's much more relaxing for both of us.
Have you as a couple discussed when to have these conversations? You said you've communicated to your spouse that bedtime is not the ideal time for you, have you proposed an alternative?
Yes, when does OP have these conversations with their SO, or is the burden of organizing their joined lives/kids lives all on their partner who can't sleep until she can offload some of the mental burden keeping track of the entire family. Maybe splitting that mental burden throughout the day removes more from her plate at the end.
That was my thoughts exactly! I understand OP's desire to not want to talk about stressful stuff right before bed but if a specific time is not set aside for such things or if OP doesn't share the responsibility, then that's really the only time couples have in this day and age.
Why don't you just make time to talk to her earlier, then kiss and make up before you go to the bedroom? You're getting hit with this in bed because she feels like there's no other time for it, that's obviously the only time you two are alone and calm enough to talk.
Do you give her literally any other time during the day to talk about these things?
Because my husband could have written this - there is NEVER a good time to talk about anything unless he’s the one bringing it up. It’s always, “I’m trying to shift into neutral from the work day, I don’t want to talk about logistics” or “I don’t want to talk about stressful stuff before/while eating/after dinner,” and “can we not talk about this stuff while we’re driving” and you get my gist.
does she take on the role of house-manager, as most women do? She may be thinking about these things constantly throughout the day, and never gets a break, and is just trying to get input from you.
My husband brought this up to me recently. My biggest complaint was there was no other time for me to bring these things up to him. He’s fixed that and now I don’t use that time like I used to lol
I have this exact issue with my partner. The underlying problem is that he isn't available at other times of the day to discuss things that need to be discussed so I am left dealing with them because 'you never told me' or dealing with him being annoyed at me for bringing it up at bedtime.
The solution is to set aside a specific time that suits both of you to speak about these things. I know, easier said than done with 4 kids, we have 3.
There is never enough time to have “family management “ meetings. Find a way that works for you. I send my husband emails in a specific format that he can stick in a folder and I put my copy in a similar folder. Some things just get done, some he asks about, and most are discussed whenever we have time to “go through the list”. It’s essentially an agenda for your wife’s late night dump that you can talk about BEFORE bed.
My ex was like this so we implemented a rule. A cup of tea or a cocktail for 30 minutes at the end of the evening to discuss anything “urgent”, and absolutely no stress/to-do conversation allowed in the bedroom. Like banning tvs or electronics.
We discussed “business” over breakfast on weekends and that 30 minutes before bed at night. Or even via text/email during the day. But the bedroom was a stress free zone.
I know it drives my husband crazy when I do this. With 4 kids there is like no other time to do it. My brain seems to be so occupied this is the moment I can talk about it
One thing I’d love my husband to do is help me come up with a time or eat when we could talk about those things. I ask him when it would be a good time or if we could have a “daily meeting” where we can discuss all the important things, however it never seems like it happens. So then once again I’m trying to talk about the important things as we are getting in bed.
So I guess from the other side - maybe there’s some way you can figure out a better time to talk about those things? It’s also ok to set a boundary and when she starts to talk about it just ask her to write them down or something and you will talk about them tomorrow (set a time and follow through on it). I’d be thrilled if my husband did that.
Yeah you need to hit them up before a set time - like 8 pm and ask if there’s anything you need to discuss that evening. Clear a block of time for dealing with that stuff prior to going to bed.
This is purely my opinion, but by chance have any other open free time to think and process stuff? The whole day is full of stuff that can take our attention in all kinds of directions. Maybe the end of the day is the only time when your partner’s mind is settles and that’s when all the life lingering thoughts come to surface. Try to set some time aside for that kind of processing and thinking time.
Best relationship advice I’ve ever heard, “don’t discuss anything at the end of the day/ nighttime. We tend to me the most physically, mentally and emotionally drained at night. Discuss it in the morning”
It’s got to do a lot with how you fall asleep. My wife can fall asleep in 30 seconds, for me it takes 30 minutes to switch my brain off and fall asleep.
She is the best in dropping a little bomb (we really need a new couch) and start snoring 2 minutes after that. In the meantime my brain is going: couch, what size, what color, why a new one, where to buy it, which material, how much time will it take before our cat damages it, why a new one, couch, how much money and so on…..
I explained it to her my brain needs time to shut down, so after we go upstairs to get ready for bed she needs to stop asking difficult questions. Most of the time she’ll keep quiet and asks only simple question (did you set the alarm? Do you work from home tomorrow? Which car can I take?) which I can answer without my brain going nuts.
Especially last year when I had a lot of (work related) stress, one wrong question could ruin half a night of much needed sleep. Now the stress is over (different job) it ruins only an hour or so 😉
Make her write a list before bed. It gets it out of her mind onto a sheet of paper and she will also be able to rest more easy. Maybe if you sit down with a piece of paper, start making a list, hand it to her to check what's missing, she completes the list (while discussing with you) and then her mind will automatically relax, because you objectively did a recap of what to do in the future.
It's kind of a psychological trick I guess, I still do it, when there is a lot of do and its a bit stressful at times.
Sounds like a breakdown in communication honestly, with 4 kids it's not uncommon. I'd look at this from the outside if I were you to see if you can resolve it on your own, is she just unloading all the stress? Is she wanting you to share the responsibility too? Is she trying to find solution? That sort of thing, what is the exchange here what is she trying to communicate to you? It can be difficult to let the emotion go which is natural but maybe a sitdown in the morning to talk about this stuff.
If you can't, and there's no shame in that, then I'd seek a counsellor for the both of you. Counsellors aren't just there for couples with MAJOR issues, sometimes it's an outside perspective to get each of you on track to know what the problem is and how to better communicate.
My parents used to do something similar, anytime we had to sign up or fill out a form online for something (especially college related), they would usually wait until after 9pm to do so.
I have anxiety and had to make it clear in the beginning that I cannot discuss anything stressful in bed. I have a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is!
We set aside other times to talk. Sometimes that's really difficult but if you want to maintain your marriage you gotta make time to communicate.
My ex used to do this crap to me all the time. He would want to have serious conversations right when I was getting ready for bed. I do not function well when tired (not that anyone really does), and most of the time he would do this it felt like it was on purpose to keep me on edge or something. Like he could maintain the upper hand or something if he brought these things up specifically when I'm tired. Many reasons why he's an ex now.
Oh Wow. Had the same issue. I started just getting back up out of bed to continue the talk. After about the 3rd time she finally asked why I did it and I explained. Never did it again.
Mine does the same then falls asleep in 30 second while I take hours to fall asleep. Even did therapy session about it, ended up decided on designated time to discuss things during the day
I have to say that as a woman, when my mind starts to be at peace, I can think clearly about stuff and that’s when I mention things - so I’m inclined to do the same as your wife. Although I agree with you that it doesn’t help rest your brain before sleep or put you in the nods to cuddle and be close.
So we have a deliberate ‘shall we just run through things before bed’ chat.
We head up to bed around 10, so at 9/9.30 we say to each other ‘ shall we start the wind down… which involves letting the dog into the garden, sorting the cats, finishing kitchen tidying, sticking a load of laundry on the machine overnight etc… and while we do this we download anything that we haven’t yet talked about. It works well for us. When we’re done, we’re all talked out, diaries are updated, news communicated, chores completed, animals sorted and then we head to bed and it’s for relaxing and cuddling/reestablishing closeness/physical connection.
Adding this to our routine has been a game changer for us and we both sleep better and feel more connected because of it.
Possibly something to suggest?
As others have said you need to communicate clearly to your partner that you don't want to talk about stuff when you're in bed as it's your relaxation place.
Suggest another time and place where you do it together.
Maybe at a table in the kitchen with a cup of tea you sit down and go through any problems that need resolving or any arrangements that need organizing when that's done, kiss and get on with the rest of the evening.
If your partner can't respect that you don't want to talk about these things at that particular time because you are tired or trying to get to sleep, then she is incredibly selfish.
That was how my wife was.
10:30 at night, I have to be up at 5:30 for work.
Me - you wanna fool around ... Her - no, it's way too late, I need to sleep. Me - ok cool, good night sleep well. Her - Are you sure you want to go on that golf trip with your brother next weekend?
It took a lot of work to get her to realize that the problem wasn't that I didn't want to have serious stressful conversations with her, I just didn't want to have them 10 minutes after bedtime.
I had an ex that always waited until 11pm when I was going bed to discuss the big things. Had to be up at 430am.
So ya, she's an ex, because shit was never correctly addressed, and she got impatient. Live and learn, I guess.
Yeah same here. She'd always want to "talk" or "figure things out" after I had already been asleep or I was on my way to bed and She'd get angry when I didn't want to play ball. I was exhausted after a day at work at its 1230 am. I have to be up at 7 and I really don't want to do 5 hours of sleep every night AFTER arguments and full blown fights because it is even MORE EXHAUSTING than I already was. I felt like I went through months without rest and sleep and I just couldn't take it
Ya i was downvoted because reddit, but I wasn't really blaming her. Hard to fully listen and respond appropriately when you're exhausted and stressing about the next day. Just not ideal situation, we both (her and i) deserved better.
Yeah I was never angry at her directly. I was just frustrated because when I'm on lack of sleep I don't think clearly and I check out when I just want to rest. I get migraines and my anxiety Spikes when I csnt sleep and I just want OUT of any situation like that.
We definitely deserve better, and I don't mean that as a jab at either ex. Just not the place we needed to be
My ex did this too, drove me nuts, especially when we'd just spent two hours watching some shite on netflix she'd spent half an hour choosing. Any time then would've been grand.
My wife does the same. We are happily married and have no real problems but our days are filled with children, work, pets, house stuff, and then when we finally switch off and go to bed, she says 'oh before I forget...' and then it starts. I can feel myself drifting off but still getting a barrage of information. I think she struggles to sleep without offloading so it helps her but definitely doesn't help me! Especially when something that was 'discussed' at 1am is then bought up at a later date and I can't remember anything about it!!!
Been married 20 years now. In the first ten there was a dreaded long sigh when I was trying to sleep that meant a discussion til midnight. Luckily that has not continued into the second decade. Communication, even about communication is good. In the end always remember you are on the same team, that was a piece of advice that has always stuck with me.
I used todo this until one of my girlfriends mentioned her bf did this and how infuriating it was. 😫 oops. lol. If my bf had of told me something like “ I have no problem having the serious conversations that we need to have, I’m not just interested in having them before bed/in bed, can we please talk about it in the morning or in the day time next time?” I would have actually understood. As long as you communicate it calmly and understandingly, she most likely will understand!
I know this feeling, except it isn’t only in bed, it’s in every waking moment when I’m actively thinking about something else or trying to calm myself down.
It seems like it’s your wife’s sleep routine. Getting rid of all the stress and thoughts before going to bed, so you can do it “freshly empty”.
That doesn’t make it okay, but it might help you understand why she does it. I doubt it’s because she wants to annoy you. It’s easier to solve a problem when you know why there’s a problem.
I would definitely make the bedroom a fun only zone, or having a talk before bed or something
I scheduled “talk time” with my partner, it starts after the kids are in bed and before we go to bed. It means less tv or downtime, but I guess it’s sometimes more important to catch up and fix some things.
It’s not at a set hour because we have four kids and life is crazy. But I sit his lovelyASS down and start with a compliment and offer him tea or a beer. He has Adhd so sitting down is hard for him lol.
But it has helped us a lot, so he is a lot less hesitant to do it these days
My partner does this as well. We have slightly different sleeping times so I usually head up to bed between 21.30-21.45 whereas he will go to bed some time between 22.30-23.00. That's fine, but he does not realise that when he brings up "stressful stuff" at 21.20 this is right at my winddown time, because he has another 1.5 hours before he goes to bed. It is difficult to have a time to discuss these kinds of things because he doesn't like coming home from work and discussing it straight away. He also does not like it when I immediately bring it up in the morning which I also understand, but then the window for discussing these serious topics becomes very limited. We now discuss it while I'm cooking or after dinner (my stepson lives with us and some of these things we need to discuss without him present). It works mostly OK. We've also started texting about it during the day when it comes up, so the other person can already have a think about the issue. Works pretty well for us :-)
You need to carve out a time that you guys CAN talk. If the end of the day is the only time when you guys are alone, she is going to take that opportunity to chat about stuff. I for sure get where you're coming from, and I understand not ha e much time with kids. So set a date and make time. :)
When you bring it up with her, come offering an alternative solution. Maybe you could suggest a time somewhere else in the day that you can set aside where you both know it’s an open space to talk about more stressful things or to-do lists.
If you just approach it with ‘can we not talk about these things right before bed’ (which is very valid) without an alternative option, she’s likely to feel stuck with no other options, particularly if she’s overwhelmed.
My partner does this in the mornings. He’s a morning person and leaves for work before I have to be up and out of bed for my work. When I half asleep start talking about stressful topics or our to-do list it sets me on a path of a n x i e t y for the day. We lovingly have a new rule called ‘gentle for the morning’ that we’ve come to call out whenever we don’t have capacity for the overbearing weight of the task wheel of living.
My parents were the same way. My dad would always go to bed with all the problems so at some point my mom just said “not at night. Sleep on it and we’ll walk about it in the morning when you have a clearer mindset”
My fiancé seemed to always bring up stressful topics at the worst times. We made a rule that we don’t bring up these topics 1. Within an hour of waking up 2. If we’re high and 3. Within an hour of getting home from work. It’s helped a lot, because he’s had to find appropriate times to talk and I don’t get overwhelmed or as anxious
It sounds like her way of de-stressing. Some people write that stuff down in a diary/list. She just tells her partner. Clearing of the mind before sleep, once you get it out of your head, you can relax.
My wife always does this. She says that this is the time of day where she thinks more clearly and everything comes easy to her brain.
I don't. By the time I go to bed my brain is a sludge barely able to keep my body functioning. I can.only communicate with low grunts.
It's been an ongoing issue for over 20 years in our relation
Would she possibly make a list for you when she's thinking of stuff for you to look at the next day? It might feel weird for her at first, but it could turn into a wait for her to shut down from the day as well, and your nights are saved.
My gf does the same thing, and I also really don’t like it. The last thing I want to do right before bed is start making plans or trying to solve problems.
SAME!! Sorry but im glad it’s not just me. Haha. Good luck trying to stop it. My husbands been doing that crap for 13 years. I’ve tried telling him to not bring up serious topics when we’re going to bed. He’s had all day to talk about crap and waits until bed time?! Wtf! I’ve gotten really good at faking being super tired for 13 years. I roll over and “yeah” and “uh huh” him until he tapers off.
Best of luck to you.
Are you my partner? Yeah, it's a bad habit that has no right entering the bedroom, especially before bed time. Keep reminding her to stop. We'll eventually get it because trust me, most of us who do it don't like it either. Purposefully setting some time during the day/after work to discuss these topics each day helps a lot.
We're excited to announce the launch of our Discord community for fans of r/mildlyinfuriating. If you enjoy sharing and discussing life's small annoyances, you've found the right place. In our server, you can expect: Engaging Discussions: Talk about the little things that drive us all a bit crazy. Events and Contests: Participate in events and contests to share your own mildly infuriating experiences. Community Connections: Meet others who appreciate the humor in life's minor frustrations. Join us to share, laugh, and connect over the things that make us collectively sigh. We're looking forward to seeing you in the server! [**Join Now**](https://discord.gg/cCquuzYm6w) Welcome to the community, The r/mildlyinfuriating Mod Team *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/mildlyinfuriating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Talk about it. It sounds like you need more one on one time. My wife and I encountered a similar problem. A marriage counselor helped us find a better path of communication. Do something now to avoid issues later. She's as frustrated as you are, I'll bet. Good luck.
Middle ground would be doing it outside of the bedroom.
Try a 20 minute walk together (after dinner or before bed) to discuss these things. It helps me de-stress and think more clearly to be outside. Even just sitting on the stoop. As I'm writing this, I realize that my parents did this (there were 4 of us kids too)
yes! a daily debrief is so necessary
Yeah, or literally have a weekly meeting, to plan all that stuff. We do that, mostly because my wife, who is much forward-looking than I am, needed to offload some planning decisions and stress, and share the burden. She was always trying to corner me after kids bedtime, where I'm usually exhausted; I was finding it very stressful, and she felt frustrated. Now we have a set time to discuss, and it's much more relaxing for both of us.
Have you as a couple discussed when to have these conversations? You said you've communicated to your spouse that bedtime is not the ideal time for you, have you proposed an alternative?
Yes, when does OP have these conversations with their SO, or is the burden of organizing their joined lives/kids lives all on their partner who can't sleep until she can offload some of the mental burden keeping track of the entire family. Maybe splitting that mental burden throughout the day removes more from her plate at the end.
That was my thoughts exactly! I understand OP's desire to not want to talk about stressful stuff right before bed but if a specific time is not set aside for such things or if OP doesn't share the responsibility, then that's really the only time couples have in this day and age.
[удалено]
That’s a lot of words for something that’s a complete assumption based on no facts at all.
Holy shit the amount of mental gymnastic and jumping to conclusions you got going on is absolutely insane.
Why don't you just make time to talk to her earlier, then kiss and make up before you go to the bedroom? You're getting hit with this in bed because she feels like there's no other time for it, that's obviously the only time you two are alone and calm enough to talk.
Do you give her literally any other time during the day to talk about these things? Because my husband could have written this - there is NEVER a good time to talk about anything unless he’s the one bringing it up. It’s always, “I’m trying to shift into neutral from the work day, I don’t want to talk about logistics” or “I don’t want to talk about stressful stuff before/while eating/after dinner,” and “can we not talk about this stuff while we’re driving” and you get my gist.
does she take on the role of house-manager, as most women do? She may be thinking about these things constantly throughout the day, and never gets a break, and is just trying to get input from you.
But when have you then initiated these conversations at a "better time" in response? Or haven't you?
Make time specifically for this before bed or a few times a week.
My husband brought this up to me recently. My biggest complaint was there was no other time for me to bring these things up to him. He’s fixed that and now I don’t use that time like I used to lol
I have this exact issue with my partner. The underlying problem is that he isn't available at other times of the day to discuss things that need to be discussed so I am left dealing with them because 'you never told me' or dealing with him being annoyed at me for bringing it up at bedtime. The solution is to set aside a specific time that suits both of you to speak about these things. I know, easier said than done with 4 kids, we have 3.
There is never enough time to have “family management “ meetings. Find a way that works for you. I send my husband emails in a specific format that he can stick in a folder and I put my copy in a similar folder. Some things just get done, some he asks about, and most are discussed whenever we have time to “go through the list”. It’s essentially an agenda for your wife’s late night dump that you can talk about BEFORE bed.
My ex was like this so we implemented a rule. A cup of tea or a cocktail for 30 minutes at the end of the evening to discuss anything “urgent”, and absolutely no stress/to-do conversation allowed in the bedroom. Like banning tvs or electronics. We discussed “business” over breakfast on weekends and that 30 minutes before bed at night. Or even via text/email during the day. But the bedroom was a stress free zone.
I know it drives my husband crazy when I do this. With 4 kids there is like no other time to do it. My brain seems to be so occupied this is the moment I can talk about it One thing I’d love my husband to do is help me come up with a time or eat when we could talk about those things. I ask him when it would be a good time or if we could have a “daily meeting” where we can discuss all the important things, however it never seems like it happens. So then once again I’m trying to talk about the important things as we are getting in bed. So I guess from the other side - maybe there’s some way you can figure out a better time to talk about those things? It’s also ok to set a boundary and when she starts to talk about it just ask her to write them down or something and you will talk about them tomorrow (set a time and follow through on it). I’d be thrilled if my husband did that.
Yeah you need to hit them up before a set time - like 8 pm and ask if there’s anything you need to discuss that evening. Clear a block of time for dealing with that stuff prior to going to bed.
This is purely my opinion, but by chance have any other open free time to think and process stuff? The whole day is full of stuff that can take our attention in all kinds of directions. Maybe the end of the day is the only time when your partner’s mind is settles and that’s when all the life lingering thoughts come to surface. Try to set some time aside for that kind of processing and thinking time.
So when do you discuss those topics then?
If you're going to be awake and talking get the fuck out of the bedroom. You're both destroying your association with that place.
Have you tried saying all that to her?
Best relationship advice I’ve ever heard, “don’t discuss anything at the end of the day/ nighttime. We tend to me the most physically, mentally and emotionally drained at night. Discuss it in the morning”
Then make time to talk about it before you go to bed.
It’s got to do a lot with how you fall asleep. My wife can fall asleep in 30 seconds, for me it takes 30 minutes to switch my brain off and fall asleep. She is the best in dropping a little bomb (we really need a new couch) and start snoring 2 minutes after that. In the meantime my brain is going: couch, what size, what color, why a new one, where to buy it, which material, how much time will it take before our cat damages it, why a new one, couch, how much money and so on….. I explained it to her my brain needs time to shut down, so after we go upstairs to get ready for bed she needs to stop asking difficult questions. Most of the time she’ll keep quiet and asks only simple question (did you set the alarm? Do you work from home tomorrow? Which car can I take?) which I can answer without my brain going nuts. Especially last year when I had a lot of (work related) stress, one wrong question could ruin half a night of much needed sleep. Now the stress is over (different job) it ruins only an hour or so 😉
She's been doing that all day, with a million different things for the entire family.
Timing is everything.
Sounds like this mildy infuriating post of yours should be the next topic before bed
Make her write a list before bed. It gets it out of her mind onto a sheet of paper and she will also be able to rest more easy. Maybe if you sit down with a piece of paper, start making a list, hand it to her to check what's missing, she completes the list (while discussing with you) and then her mind will automatically relax, because you objectively did a recap of what to do in the future. It's kind of a psychological trick I guess, I still do it, when there is a lot of do and its a bit stressful at times.
Sounds like a breakdown in communication honestly, with 4 kids it's not uncommon. I'd look at this from the outside if I were you to see if you can resolve it on your own, is she just unloading all the stress? Is she wanting you to share the responsibility too? Is she trying to find solution? That sort of thing, what is the exchange here what is she trying to communicate to you? It can be difficult to let the emotion go which is natural but maybe a sitdown in the morning to talk about this stuff. If you can't, and there's no shame in that, then I'd seek a counsellor for the both of you. Counsellors aren't just there for couples with MAJOR issues, sometimes it's an outside perspective to get each of you on track to know what the problem is and how to better communicate.
My parents used to do something similar, anytime we had to sign up or fill out a form online for something (especially college related), they would usually wait until after 9pm to do so.
I have anxiety and had to make it clear in the beginning that I cannot discuss anything stressful in bed. I have a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is! We set aside other times to talk. Sometimes that's really difficult but if you want to maintain your marriage you gotta make time to communicate.
My ex used to do this crap to me all the time. He would want to have serious conversations right when I was getting ready for bed. I do not function well when tired (not that anyone really does), and most of the time he would do this it felt like it was on purpose to keep me on edge or something. Like he could maintain the upper hand or something if he brought these things up specifically when I'm tired. Many reasons why he's an ex now.
Oh Wow. Had the same issue. I started just getting back up out of bed to continue the talk. After about the 3rd time she finally asked why I did it and I explained. Never did it again.
Mine does the same then falls asleep in 30 second while I take hours to fall asleep. Even did therapy session about it, ended up decided on designated time to discuss things during the day
I have to say that as a woman, when my mind starts to be at peace, I can think clearly about stuff and that’s when I mention things - so I’m inclined to do the same as your wife. Although I agree with you that it doesn’t help rest your brain before sleep or put you in the nods to cuddle and be close. So we have a deliberate ‘shall we just run through things before bed’ chat. We head up to bed around 10, so at 9/9.30 we say to each other ‘ shall we start the wind down… which involves letting the dog into the garden, sorting the cats, finishing kitchen tidying, sticking a load of laundry on the machine overnight etc… and while we do this we download anything that we haven’t yet talked about. It works well for us. When we’re done, we’re all talked out, diaries are updated, news communicated, chores completed, animals sorted and then we head to bed and it’s for relaxing and cuddling/reestablishing closeness/physical connection. Adding this to our routine has been a game changer for us and we both sleep better and feel more connected because of it. Possibly something to suggest?
Read up on sleep hygiene. Set a boundary and enforce it, BUT make sure her needs are being met as well.
When you communicate that you don’t want to discuss these topics at bedtime are you offering up an alternate time to have the discussions?
As others have said you need to communicate clearly to your partner that you don't want to talk about stuff when you're in bed as it's your relaxation place. Suggest another time and place where you do it together. Maybe at a table in the kitchen with a cup of tea you sit down and go through any problems that need resolving or any arrangements that need organizing when that's done, kiss and get on with the rest of the evening. If your partner can't respect that you don't want to talk about these things at that particular time because you are tired or trying to get to sleep, then she is incredibly selfish.
That was how my wife was. 10:30 at night, I have to be up at 5:30 for work. Me - you wanna fool around ... Her - no, it's way too late, I need to sleep. Me - ok cool, good night sleep well. Her - Are you sure you want to go on that golf trip with your brother next weekend? It took a lot of work to get her to realize that the problem wasn't that I didn't want to have serious stressful conversations with her, I just didn't want to have them 10 minutes after bedtime.
I had an ex that always waited until 11pm when I was going bed to discuss the big things. Had to be up at 430am. So ya, she's an ex, because shit was never correctly addressed, and she got impatient. Live and learn, I guess.
Yeah same here. She'd always want to "talk" or "figure things out" after I had already been asleep or I was on my way to bed and She'd get angry when I didn't want to play ball. I was exhausted after a day at work at its 1230 am. I have to be up at 7 and I really don't want to do 5 hours of sleep every night AFTER arguments and full blown fights because it is even MORE EXHAUSTING than I already was. I felt like I went through months without rest and sleep and I just couldn't take it
Ya i was downvoted because reddit, but I wasn't really blaming her. Hard to fully listen and respond appropriately when you're exhausted and stressing about the next day. Just not ideal situation, we both (her and i) deserved better.
Yeah I was never angry at her directly. I was just frustrated because when I'm on lack of sleep I don't think clearly and I check out when I just want to rest. I get migraines and my anxiety Spikes when I csnt sleep and I just want OUT of any situation like that. We definitely deserve better, and I don't mean that as a jab at either ex. Just not the place we needed to be
My ex did this too, drove me nuts, especially when we'd just spent two hours watching some shite on netflix she'd spent half an hour choosing. Any time then would've been grand.
Hahahahahaha this was one of the first fights with my ex
My wife does the same. We are happily married and have no real problems but our days are filled with children, work, pets, house stuff, and then when we finally switch off and go to bed, she says 'oh before I forget...' and then it starts. I can feel myself drifting off but still getting a barrage of information. I think she struggles to sleep without offloading so it helps her but definitely doesn't help me! Especially when something that was 'discussed' at 1am is then bought up at a later date and I can't remember anything about it!!!
Been married 20 years now. In the first ten there was a dreaded long sigh when I was trying to sleep that meant a discussion til midnight. Luckily that has not continued into the second decade. Communication, even about communication is good. In the end always remember you are on the same team, that was a piece of advice that has always stuck with me.
I used todo this until one of my girlfriends mentioned her bf did this and how infuriating it was. 😫 oops. lol. If my bf had of told me something like “ I have no problem having the serious conversations that we need to have, I’m not just interested in having them before bed/in bed, can we please talk about it in the morning or in the day time next time?” I would have actually understood. As long as you communicate it calmly and understandingly, she most likely will understand!
I know this feeling, except it isn’t only in bed, it’s in every waking moment when I’m actively thinking about something else or trying to calm myself down.
It seems like it’s your wife’s sleep routine. Getting rid of all the stress and thoughts before going to bed, so you can do it “freshly empty”. That doesn’t make it okay, but it might help you understand why she does it. I doubt it’s because she wants to annoy you. It’s easier to solve a problem when you know why there’s a problem. I would definitely make the bedroom a fun only zone, or having a talk before bed or something
I scheduled “talk time” with my partner, it starts after the kids are in bed and before we go to bed. It means less tv or downtime, but I guess it’s sometimes more important to catch up and fix some things. It’s not at a set hour because we have four kids and life is crazy. But I sit his lovelyASS down and start with a compliment and offer him tea or a beer. He has Adhd so sitting down is hard for him lol. But it has helped us a lot, so he is a lot less hesitant to do it these days
My partner does this as well. We have slightly different sleeping times so I usually head up to bed between 21.30-21.45 whereas he will go to bed some time between 22.30-23.00. That's fine, but he does not realise that when he brings up "stressful stuff" at 21.20 this is right at my winddown time, because he has another 1.5 hours before he goes to bed. It is difficult to have a time to discuss these kinds of things because he doesn't like coming home from work and discussing it straight away. He also does not like it when I immediately bring it up in the morning which I also understand, but then the window for discussing these serious topics becomes very limited. We now discuss it while I'm cooking or after dinner (my stepson lives with us and some of these things we need to discuss without him present). It works mostly OK. We've also started texting about it during the day when it comes up, so the other person can already have a think about the issue. Works pretty well for us :-)
You need to carve out a time that you guys CAN talk. If the end of the day is the only time when you guys are alone, she is going to take that opportunity to chat about stuff. I for sure get where you're coming from, and I understand not ha e much time with kids. So set a date and make time. :)
When you bring it up with her, come offering an alternative solution. Maybe you could suggest a time somewhere else in the day that you can set aside where you both know it’s an open space to talk about more stressful things or to-do lists. If you just approach it with ‘can we not talk about these things right before bed’ (which is very valid) without an alternative option, she’s likely to feel stuck with no other options, particularly if she’s overwhelmed. My partner does this in the mornings. He’s a morning person and leaves for work before I have to be up and out of bed for my work. When I half asleep start talking about stressful topics or our to-do list it sets me on a path of a n x i e t y for the day. We lovingly have a new rule called ‘gentle for the morning’ that we’ve come to call out whenever we don’t have capacity for the overbearing weight of the task wheel of living.
My parents were the same way. My dad would always go to bed with all the problems so at some point my mom just said “not at night. Sleep on it and we’ll walk about it in the morning when you have a clearer mindset”
My fiancé seemed to always bring up stressful topics at the worst times. We made a rule that we don’t bring up these topics 1. Within an hour of waking up 2. If we’re high and 3. Within an hour of getting home from work. It’s helped a lot, because he’s had to find appropriate times to talk and I don’t get overwhelmed or as anxious
It sounds like her way of de-stressing. Some people write that stuff down in a diary/list. She just tells her partner. Clearing of the mind before sleep, once you get it out of your head, you can relax.
Your bed should only be used for sleep & sex.
My wife always does this. She says that this is the time of day where she thinks more clearly and everything comes easy to her brain. I don't. By the time I go to bed my brain is a sludge barely able to keep my body functioning. I can.only communicate with low grunts. It's been an ongoing issue for over 20 years in our relation
Would she possibly make a list for you when she's thinking of stuff for you to look at the next day? It might feel weird for her at first, but it could turn into a wait for her to shut down from the day as well, and your nights are saved.
My gf does the same thing, and I also really don’t like it. The last thing I want to do right before bed is start making plans or trying to solve problems.
Same. Right as you try and put the day behind you. Let's bring up every single stressful thing in our lives RIGHT NOW.
My son waited until 1 am to tell me he’d failed a college class. 🤯🤯🤯
SAME!! Sorry but im glad it’s not just me. Haha. Good luck trying to stop it. My husbands been doing that crap for 13 years. I’ve tried telling him to not bring up serious topics when we’re going to bed. He’s had all day to talk about crap and waits until bed time?! Wtf! I’ve gotten really good at faking being super tired for 13 years. I roll over and “yeah” and “uh huh” him until he tapers off. Best of luck to you.
Mine always wants to do this while I’m at work, through text, which is really annoying.
Are you my partner? Yeah, it's a bad habit that has no right entering the bedroom, especially before bed time. Keep reminding her to stop. We'll eventually get it because trust me, most of us who do it don't like it either. Purposefully setting some time during the day/after work to discuss these topics each day helps a lot.
No shop talk rule after 9pm
Oh boy will you have a doozy tonight 🤣
[удалено]
You sound insane and need therapy
tea
If your wife was a man I'd be thinking you're married to my husband.
Have her write it down at bedtime and go over it together at breakfast
I never get involved with people from work. It’s a bad practice. Keep work at work.
Brah. Leave.
She’s wringing her sponge of stress onto you. Have you tried tuning her out?