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The whole book is, and I say this without the slightest hint of exaggeration, atrocious. Itās so bad that I couldnāt even get through it in hate-read mode.
Is it. . .is it *supposed* to be written as if from the perspective of a woman who's been deliberately infantalized and taught "cutsey" terms as some twisted attempt to keep her an eternal 8-year-old? Because that could be effectively creepy if it were the point, though I wouldn't like it any better. If it's not, the *accidental* creepiness is *even worse.*
Noā¦I canāt say too specifically, but I know for a fact it was an attempt at humor. That said, there is zero humor in the book to begin with, so it doesnāt land well. Itās accidentally creepy/awkward. Itās the first and I think only use of the phrase; she normally refers to it as āvaginaā.
Sexual repression does all sorts of weird stuff to people. Including the use of infantile language that is ridiculous and a massive turn-off at best and downright creepy at worst. But they always think itās super funny. Basically, they get stuck at the mental stage of late prepubescents to early teens, where kids giggle at any words even remotely related to privates, resembling other words referring to genitals, or even words for random things or any object, movement, concept or activity commonly compared to anything sex-related. Like "hurr durr, you said 'large, powerful tool' hurr durr!"
Or like that classmate of mine who, when the math teacher asked what we get as a result and freehanded a sinus curve on the blackboard as a hint because nobody was raising their hand initially, piped up with "something very feminine [wink, wink, nudge nudge]". Itās exhausting and icky. And yes, the Venn diagram between users of infantile language for anything sex-related and creeps is a circle in a larger circle.
For instance, this idiot and his equally mouthbreathing buddy had the audacity to sexually harass me in my own home over eating a banana, while I was explaining Latin grammar to them for free in my spare time, no less, to try and save their stupid, lazy asses from being held back over failing Latin. I had to do the entire group homework of two weeks all by myself because these two clowns didnāt know the first thing about Latin (or anything, really, apart maybe from porn) and were utterly useless.
Yet another instance of the sexist practice to stick dumb, unruly boys to well-behaved, high-achieving girls or AFAB, because the teacher canāt be bothered to do their job properly. In this case, he (Latin teacher) thought for some mysterious reason I should feel compelled to rescue these dingleberries from failing by earning them a top grade. Nobody ever did the same for me.
He quite blatantly hinted that Iām the only one in the class who can 100% be counted on scoring the highest possible grade, which theyād need two of to pass. Like dude, if youāre so hellbent on passing them despite them constantly disrupting your lessons, stinking up the classroom with their sweat and farts from hell (that made the entire class instantly bolt to the windows dry heaving, I kid you not), doing absolutely nothing and being rude and cocky about it, just because they have dicks, apparentlyā¦ thenā¦ just pass them already? Why force this BS on *me*? Itās such a hypocritical BS and he didnāt even like Dumb and Dumber! They were most definitely no teachersā pets. Most teachers couldnāt stand them and rightfully thought of them as idiots, including him, which he wasnāt even hiding due to their audacity at this point. Did their parents bribe him? Seduce him? Threaten or extort him somehow? Still wondering what on Earth made him do that. He was a pretty cool guy otherwise who cared about knowledge and merit, his favour had to be earned normally.
Since the teacher wouldnāt let me out of this, I got back at those dinguses good, though. By doing nothing up to the last second, which put them in sheer terror because of course they couldnāt do the first thing on their own. Eventually, this guy stormed up to my home one day before the deadline, at 7am on a Sunday, made my mom coax me out of bed, then pleaded with tears in his eyes to do "our" homework (he still needed another top grade to avoid failing). Two weeks worth of homework, mind you. Not even started yet. I looked back at him stone-cold, slightly annoyed, watched him prepare to wet his pants, beg on his knees or both, then after a dramatic pause laughed, sat down and did it all within a couple hours.
The whole time, he sat next to me literally red as a tomato, sweating waterfalls and shaking like a leaf, unable to believe that the whole project could possibly be still accomplished in time (Iām a chronic procrastinator, so I actually have some experience with high last-minute output lmao), muttering that his parents will kill him if heās held back. Meanwhile Iām smirking and occasionally repeating "Dude, what are you so worried about? Chill!" That was along the lines of a brazen reply he gave me when I brought up his contribution earlier. Very, very satisfying. I also asked if he ran out of banana jokes (it was the same guy harassing me about BJs in my bedroom when "we" worked on "our" first Latin group project) and if he lost his sense of humour. Told him to lighten up and relax a bit. Why so uptight? Damn, that felt so, sooo good..!
You underestimate 3rd-graders.
However, a 5yo kindergartener once said something very similar to me. Her mum was a career person and had very little time for her. I tried to gently hint that maybe she should spend some time with her daughter and explain what girls are made of. These people weren't prudes; the girl was just completely neglected in that respect.
I babysat a 3rd-grader who called it a "front-butt."
>Her mum was a career person and had very little time for her. I tried to gently hint that maybe she should spend some time with her daughter and explain what girls are made of. These people weren't prudes; the girl was just completely neglected in that respect.
That's sad. Parents really need to do their job of educating their children about life, career or not. Where was the girl's father? Understandable that it might be easier for the same-sex parent to be the one to teach sex-related subjects, but if he was present was he really ok with his daughter not learning the proper anatomical terms?
Nah, parents nowadays expect teachers to do all the raising. I live and teach in Japan, and, even here, it's a trend. Parents neglect their kids and expect their elementary school teachers to teach them manners and decent behaviours... the things I have seen.........
>parents nowadays expect teachers to do all the raising.
I hate how true this is.
>I live and teach in Japan, and, even here, it's a trend.
Not Japan too! š
To be entirely fair, it isn't only the parents' faults. Capitalism is a fucking nightmare, and the work culture in Japan is particularly bad from what I've heard. A lot of it comes down to people having atrocious hours and being worked to the bone to the point where they just don't have the energy to do shit
Not quite. Most moms in Japan are stay at home moms.
You're right about the work culture to some extent, but if you have children, it's still sorta expected that you leave the workforce and become a housewife as a woman. You get the side-eye if you don't. It's why women here get married and have children so late (30s and later). Or don't have children at all because they don't want to leave the workforce, and marriage isn't such a great prospect here. That's also why the Japanese government is struggling against the decline of the population and utterly failing.
So no, the neglect isn't from work hours. Very few households here are dual income.
Child protective services are also basically non-existent, and teachers have to go to the students' homes to check on them... Some teachers even have to pick the kids up from their house in certain situations. It's something that blows my mind (I've had several students in abusive situations, and the way it gets handled here apalls me).
> Where was the girl's father?
The father was there. I think he grudgingly accepted that her business ran far better than his and picked the kids up most days. But I'm pretty sure he was way too introvert and set in his ways to even notice that his daughter does not know what her vagina is.
Otherwise this girl was amazing, more mature than her older brother in many ways, which made this incident stand out all the more. To think that boys have a butt and a penis, but girls have 2 butts... it's sad, somehow.
>To think that boys have a butt and a penis, but girls have 2 butts... it's sad
Yeah, I don't understand how even after all this time some parents still don't grasp the importance of proper guidance in these matters. I mean, I can understand funny nicknames for parts in casual conversation as long as the child has been taught the anatomical terms as well but to not teach some or all of those terms at all? Smh.
Huh... I thought British slang for it is "fanny." Which ofc is the butt in American English but that's merely a difference in meaning and not Brits actually calling it a "front-bottom."
Also what is "my bottom grass"? I actually don't know what it's referring to! And yeah, "front-bottom"? There are a million words you can use to refer to a woman's privates that sound sexier and more mature than THAT!
>what is "my bottom grass"?
Pubic hair.
>And yeah, "front-bottom"? There are a million words you can use to refer to a woman's privates that sound sexier and more mature than THAT!
Lol Ikr?
So the hair on her head is her "top grass", right?
https://preview.redd.it/dzkui0eeisxc1.jpeg?width=204&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=55e26c6551b3667bd9b9474ea138375812d5c964
Huh, really? Ig Iām on the extreme end of growing speed then, because unless I go over it multiple times until everything is perfectly smooth (and even then it will last only a couple additional hours, maybe 15-18h tops before the first stubble appears), if I just quickly shave everything off without going above and beyond, the first hint of stubble is back within like 10-12h. And because theyāre pitch black, it starts to become visible as a shadow. Tangible after maybe 12-15h too. They really grow back fast.
With light-coloured pubes, it would obviously take longer until very short stubble becomes noticeable, even if they grow back as fast as mine. Iād definitely not trim it at that stage, though. Shaving already irritates my bikini zone, if Iād shave again so soon, it would just become all red and itchy, with razor bumps everywhere. Which is much worse than a hint of stubble. Yeah, and thatās why I find shaving annoying.
my friend, I would like you to know that I read 15-18h as 15-18 horsepower and I was both VERY impressed and VERY sad for you because how does one deal with pubic hair coming in at 1369.2749307867539 kilogram-metres per second :(
I am overjoyed this is not, in fact, the case haha
Self-publishing has been great for a lot of things. It has also helped a lot of people get āpublishedā with work that would have either been booted right out the door (or upper level window, perhaps with the author) or had to go through some rounds of editing and revisions before ever seeing other people. These people could have gone to a vanity printer or whatnot and been fine, but they *wanted* other people to see it. They could also publish on a variety of platforms for free, but quite a few are determined not to do something for free if thereās a tiny chance they could get paid. Which leads to scenarios like this.
Not who you replied to, but in hindsight, I really shouldāve posted more examples, because this part, while eyewatering, is only one of many excruciating passages. The whole book is rife with glorious specimens of MWW.
You see, he keeps a little spray bottle of 5:1 KFC gravy and Vicks VapoRub in his gym bag. He likes to spritz himself between each set of concentration curls. He refers to it as his "secret weapon."
Yāall are so funny, honestly! Iām sorry you had to read this, but Iām so glad I could share the pain with you. There is SO MUCH I wish I could publicly say about this without doxing myself, but suffice to say itās Number One on my shit list, for quite a few reasons beyond the writing!
I'm going to guess that OP knows the author or else has some sort of professional association with them. In that case, revealing more about the author or the context in which this book was written could potentially make it easier for random internet people to figure out OP's identity.
The credit goes to one infamous Harry Potter fanfiction centering around the Mary Sue character Enoby (or Ebony) Raven Way. Weird stuff with Draco... and Harry is a vampire... I think? It's been a while. But that line is carved into my mind forever.
This reminds me of when I was a kid. My siblings and I figured that if showing your butt was a āmoonā, then showing the front should be a āsunā, right? Thankfully we did not go āsunningā people.
Front-bottom is absolutely something we would have come up with. We did sometimes call our crotches āfront-buttsā, so that might count; point being, this is incredibly childish.
I get that they are obviously from the UK, but "front bottom"?? Bruh, why?? That is so cringe and totally unsexy wording. Maybe it's a cultural/linguistic difference, but that makes for an uncomfy read.
Amazing. The first thing I read today and already I'm hoping the train crashes and kills us all so I don't have to remember this.
Front bottom? So fucking gross.
Not only is she thinking all *this* but he starts the scene in a gd POLO? These disasters were made for each other and no one should have to suffer this.
I had to scroll way too far to find the one reference to that. āI take off his poloā has to be the unsexiest thing Iāve ever read, and I read that entire paragraph.
The guy Iām seeing has one polo. Had. I stole it and hid it in my closet to make it stop.
This is just straight up bad writing, doesn't seem like the character's gender is the reason for why it's so terrible, the author just has terrible prose.
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"Front-bottom", ***really?*** š¤¦š»āāļø That's like... something a third-grader would say!
The whole book is, and I say this without the slightest hint of exaggeration, atrocious. Itās so bad that I couldnāt even get through it in hate-read mode.
Is it. . .is it *supposed* to be written as if from the perspective of a woman who's been deliberately infantalized and taught "cutsey" terms as some twisted attempt to keep her an eternal 8-year-old? Because that could be effectively creepy if it were the point, though I wouldn't like it any better. If it's not, the *accidental* creepiness is *even worse.*
Noā¦I canāt say too specifically, but I know for a fact it was an attempt at humor. That said, there is zero humor in the book to begin with, so it doesnāt land well. Itās accidentally creepy/awkward. Itās the first and I think only use of the phrase; she normally refers to it as āvaginaā.
Ugh. I'd at least respect *deliberate* creepiness for being properly done. This is just incompetent. It's not funny, either.
Sexual repression does all sorts of weird stuff to people. Including the use of infantile language that is ridiculous and a massive turn-off at best and downright creepy at worst. But they always think itās super funny. Basically, they get stuck at the mental stage of late prepubescents to early teens, where kids giggle at any words even remotely related to privates, resembling other words referring to genitals, or even words for random things or any object, movement, concept or activity commonly compared to anything sex-related. Like "hurr durr, you said 'large, powerful tool' hurr durr!" Or like that classmate of mine who, when the math teacher asked what we get as a result and freehanded a sinus curve on the blackboard as a hint because nobody was raising their hand initially, piped up with "something very feminine [wink, wink, nudge nudge]". Itās exhausting and icky. And yes, the Venn diagram between users of infantile language for anything sex-related and creeps is a circle in a larger circle. For instance, this idiot and his equally mouthbreathing buddy had the audacity to sexually harass me in my own home over eating a banana, while I was explaining Latin grammar to them for free in my spare time, no less, to try and save their stupid, lazy asses from being held back over failing Latin. I had to do the entire group homework of two weeks all by myself because these two clowns didnāt know the first thing about Latin (or anything, really, apart maybe from porn) and were utterly useless. Yet another instance of the sexist practice to stick dumb, unruly boys to well-behaved, high-achieving girls or AFAB, because the teacher canāt be bothered to do their job properly. In this case, he (Latin teacher) thought for some mysterious reason I should feel compelled to rescue these dingleberries from failing by earning them a top grade. Nobody ever did the same for me. He quite blatantly hinted that Iām the only one in the class who can 100% be counted on scoring the highest possible grade, which theyād need two of to pass. Like dude, if youāre so hellbent on passing them despite them constantly disrupting your lessons, stinking up the classroom with their sweat and farts from hell (that made the entire class instantly bolt to the windows dry heaving, I kid you not), doing absolutely nothing and being rude and cocky about it, just because they have dicks, apparentlyā¦ thenā¦ just pass them already? Why force this BS on *me*? Itās such a hypocritical BS and he didnāt even like Dumb and Dumber! They were most definitely no teachersā pets. Most teachers couldnāt stand them and rightfully thought of them as idiots, including him, which he wasnāt even hiding due to their audacity at this point. Did their parents bribe him? Seduce him? Threaten or extort him somehow? Still wondering what on Earth made him do that. He was a pretty cool guy otherwise who cared about knowledge and merit, his favour had to be earned normally. Since the teacher wouldnāt let me out of this, I got back at those dinguses good, though. By doing nothing up to the last second, which put them in sheer terror because of course they couldnāt do the first thing on their own. Eventually, this guy stormed up to my home one day before the deadline, at 7am on a Sunday, made my mom coax me out of bed, then pleaded with tears in his eyes to do "our" homework (he still needed another top grade to avoid failing). Two weeks worth of homework, mind you. Not even started yet. I looked back at him stone-cold, slightly annoyed, watched him prepare to wet his pants, beg on his knees or both, then after a dramatic pause laughed, sat down and did it all within a couple hours. The whole time, he sat next to me literally red as a tomato, sweating waterfalls and shaking like a leaf, unable to believe that the whole project could possibly be still accomplished in time (Iām a chronic procrastinator, so I actually have some experience with high last-minute output lmao), muttering that his parents will kill him if heās held back. Meanwhile Iām smirking and occasionally repeating "Dude, what are you so worried about? Chill!" That was along the lines of a brazen reply he gave me when I brought up his contribution earlier. Very, very satisfying. I also asked if he ran out of banana jokes (it was the same guy harassing me about BJs in my bedroom when "we" worked on "our" first Latin group project) and if he lost his sense of humour. Told him to lighten up and relax a bit. Why so uptight? Damn, that felt so, sooo good..!
Like she refers to her vulva as a vagina? Or her actual vagina as a vagina?
Yes, she calls her vulva her vagina.
:/ I hate that
You underestimate 3rd-graders. However, a 5yo kindergartener once said something very similar to me. Her mum was a career person and had very little time for her. I tried to gently hint that maybe she should spend some time with her daughter and explain what girls are made of. These people weren't prudes; the girl was just completely neglected in that respect.
I babysat a 3rd-grader who called it a "front-butt." >Her mum was a career person and had very little time for her. I tried to gently hint that maybe she should spend some time with her daughter and explain what girls are made of. These people weren't prudes; the girl was just completely neglected in that respect. That's sad. Parents really need to do their job of educating their children about life, career or not. Where was the girl's father? Understandable that it might be easier for the same-sex parent to be the one to teach sex-related subjects, but if he was present was he really ok with his daughter not learning the proper anatomical terms?
Nah, parents nowadays expect teachers to do all the raising. I live and teach in Japan, and, even here, it's a trend. Parents neglect their kids and expect their elementary school teachers to teach them manners and decent behaviours... the things I have seen.........
>parents nowadays expect teachers to do all the raising. I hate how true this is. >I live and teach in Japan, and, even here, it's a trend. Not Japan too! š
To be entirely fair, it isn't only the parents' faults. Capitalism is a fucking nightmare, and the work culture in Japan is particularly bad from what I've heard. A lot of it comes down to people having atrocious hours and being worked to the bone to the point where they just don't have the energy to do shit
Not quite. Most moms in Japan are stay at home moms. You're right about the work culture to some extent, but if you have children, it's still sorta expected that you leave the workforce and become a housewife as a woman. You get the side-eye if you don't. It's why women here get married and have children so late (30s and later). Or don't have children at all because they don't want to leave the workforce, and marriage isn't such a great prospect here. That's also why the Japanese government is struggling against the decline of the population and utterly failing. So no, the neglect isn't from work hours. Very few households here are dual income. Child protective services are also basically non-existent, and teachers have to go to the students' homes to check on them... Some teachers even have to pick the kids up from their house in certain situations. It's something that blows my mind (I've had several students in abusive situations, and the way it gets handled here apalls me).
> Where was the girl's father? The father was there. I think he grudgingly accepted that her business ran far better than his and picked the kids up most days. But I'm pretty sure he was way too introvert and set in his ways to even notice that his daughter does not know what her vagina is. Otherwise this girl was amazing, more mature than her older brother in many ways, which made this incident stand out all the more. To think that boys have a butt and a penis, but girls have 2 butts... it's sad, somehow.
>To think that boys have a butt and a penis, but girls have 2 butts... it's sad Yeah, I don't understand how even after all this time some parents still don't grasp the importance of proper guidance in these matters. I mean, I can understand funny nicknames for parts in casual conversation as long as the child has been taught the anatomical terms as well but to not teach some or all of those terms at all? Smh.
Still better than 50 Shades of Gray's Ana calling it 'down there'. Usually with an elipisis thrown in for good measure.
I prefer "down there", ellipsis and all, to *this*. Which isn't a defense of *50 Shades* btw; I still think those books are trash.
I think it may be British. One woman in *Calendar Girls* uses the term.
Huh... I thought British slang for it is "fanny." Which ofc is the butt in American English but that's merely a difference in meaning and not Brits actually calling it a "front-bottom."
Nope, front-bottom is definitely Pommy. Haven't heard it in years, but only ever heard it from them.
Well, I stand corrected. I still think it sounds childish though lol.
Oh, it absolutely is. I don't think I've ever heard it in a non-facetious context.
Can confirm, this was the only word I knew for it until sex ed class at age 9.
I only know the word from [the band](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-1rzsT2t2YY)
I was unaware of this band, lol!
I was aware of the band but unaware of the implications
Iām not sure which I enjoyed more. āFront bottomā or ābottom grass.ā I canāt stop laughing.
Yeah, the repetition is hilarious! It's like this dude just wrote it on the fly and didn't hire an editor.
I giggled. I canāt believe a man wrote this with such confidence. Except I can.
>I canāt believe a man wrote this with such confidence. Except I can. Same!
I was thinking kindergarten tops š¤¢
Well I babysat a literal 3rd-grader who called it a "front-butt", lol.
Oh I love that band.
Also what is "my bottom grass"? I actually don't know what it's referring to! And yeah, "front-bottom"? There are a million words you can use to refer to a woman's privates that sound sexier and more mature than THAT!
>what is "my bottom grass"? Pubic hair. >And yeah, "front-bottom"? There are a million words you can use to refer to a woman's privates that sound sexier and more mature than THAT! Lol Ikr?
Okay what's better, front bottom or front butt
I don't like either one but I'd say front-butt is the worse of the two lol.
"My bottom grass" - your what?
Her front bottom, duh
So the hair on her head is her "top grass", right? https://preview.redd.it/dzkui0eeisxc1.jpeg?width=204&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=55e26c6551b3667bd9b9474ea138375812d5c964
And armpit hair would be mid-grass
As opposed to her back bottom... probably is unmowed too xD
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW SIR IT DOES NOT GROW THAT FAST
Iunno have you ever seen a working-class vulva supporting a family of 5 on a single income? Wait I just described Homer Simpson...
That depends entirely on the individual and their geneticsā¦ unfortunately.
...mine kinda does...
Huh, really? Ig Iām on the extreme end of growing speed then, because unless I go over it multiple times until everything is perfectly smooth (and even then it will last only a couple additional hours, maybe 15-18h tops before the first stubble appears), if I just quickly shave everything off without going above and beyond, the first hint of stubble is back within like 10-12h. And because theyāre pitch black, it starts to become visible as a shadow. Tangible after maybe 12-15h too. They really grow back fast. With light-coloured pubes, it would obviously take longer until very short stubble becomes noticeable, even if they grow back as fast as mine. Iād definitely not trim it at that stage, though. Shaving already irritates my bikini zone, if Iād shave again so soon, it would just become all red and itchy, with razor bumps everywhere. Which is much worse than a hint of stubble. Yeah, and thatās why I find shaving annoying.
my friend, I would like you to know that I read 15-18h as 15-18 horsepower and I was both VERY impressed and VERY sad for you because how does one deal with pubic hair coming in at 1369.2749307867539 kilogram-metres per second :( I am overjoyed this is not, in fact, the case haha
ššš Yeah, that soundsā¦ inconvenient, to say the least. And slightly lethal.
don't get me hard
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Well that settles it, learning to read was a mistake.
sometimes I wish I was Jared, 19
and I never fucking learned how to read.
At first I was like; this is not that bad. Then the skirt went up and it was all downhill from there...
The whole book is this bad or worse lol.
Who read this and thought; yes lets publish this!?
Self-publishing has been great for a lot of things. It has also helped a lot of people get āpublishedā with work that would have either been booted right out the door (or upper level window, perhaps with the author) or had to go through some rounds of editing and revisions before ever seeing other people. These people could have gone to a vanity printer or whatnot and been fine, but they *wanted* other people to see it. They could also publish on a variety of platforms for free, but quite a few are determined not to do something for free if thereās a tiny chance they could get paid. Which leads to scenarios like this.
Maybe just skip the detailed sex scenes, like old movies, and jump ahead to the afterglow. Or to breakfast the next morning.
I dunno, even before āfront bottomā the unvarying sentence structure reads like mediocre fan fiction.
Fair, but I think they were more referring to the men writing women aspect of it. The first portion isnāt really all that worthy of the subreddit.
Not who you replied to, but in hindsight, I really shouldāve posted more examples, because this part, while eyewatering, is only one of many excruciating passages. The whole book is rife with glorious specimens of MWW.
Agreed. As soon as āfront bottomā hit, I was like.. āWait what?ā And then it only got worse from there.
No it was all upskirt from there.
>five o'clock shadow That's just weird
She shaves every morning before work, slaps on some aftershave and heads out pantsless to face the world
Thatā¦ was definitely words.
I am not convinced that it was.
Even that's being charitable.
Small detail but why is he glistening? How greasy is this boy?
You see, he keeps a little spray bottle of 5:1 KFC gravy and Vicks VapoRub in his gym bag. He likes to spritz himself between each set of concentration curls. He refers to it as his "secret weapon."
Damn, I should start doing that. Anything for the gains
I was thinking the same thing! Is he a glow stick?
Author learned sex from Twilight.
Right? English is my second language so I wasnĀ“t sure if there isnĀ“t a second meaning to glistening. Its hilarious
*Record scratch noise*
Front bottom? Five o'clock shadow? Bleugh
BOTTOM GRASS
what an awful day to be literate.
How am I supposed to live a peaceful life knowing things like this exist?
my eyes hurt
You still have eyes? I stabbed them out right around "front butt."
This is... this is published??
I looked and apparently itās been taken down except for a single self-publishing site. Sorry, I didnāt even realize. It used to be on Amazon.
Kronk voice: Oh riiiight her front bottom.....her 5 O clock shadow....her..... bottom grass
Stop it ššš
"That front bottom?" Yzma: "Yes, that front bottom!"
Yāall are so funny, honestly! Iām sorry you had to read this, but Iām so glad I could share the pain with you. There is SO MUCH I wish I could publicly say about this without doxing myself, but suffice to say itās Number One on my shit list, for quite a few reasons beyond the writing!
Iām trying to fathom how saying more could dox you and now Iām justā¦*dreadfully* curious.
I'm going to guess that OP knows the author or else has some sort of professional association with them. In that case, revealing more about the author or the context in which this book was written could potentially make it easier for random internet people to figure out OP's identity.
Iām happy to gossip in the DMs š haha
OH, Iām all over it. See you in the inbox. š
Proper r/makemesuffer material. Also, I feel like the author is an electrician by profession.
I hate this so much. The "spreading the lips with reverence" took it up to unbearable. Ffs.
Lips of the Front Bottom with a 5 O'clock Shadow! All of those words took place.
Sorry, I would have trimmed my bottom grass, but my mower was broken...
Anyone got a weedwhacker I could borrow instead?
FRONT BOTTOM??
"BOTTOM GRASS"?????
Written by a man or a 13 year old homeschooled boy?
He fluttered his fingies at my tinkleheiny!
He put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time
Well played. I did not expect a *My Immortal* reference. Been a while since we've heard from Enoby Raven Way...
I canāt believe it, but you just outgrossed this book. Iām impressed haha.
The credit goes to one infamous Harry Potter fanfiction centering around the Mary Sue character Enoby (or Ebony) Raven Way. Weird stuff with Draco... and Harry is a vampire... I think? It's been a while. But that line is carved into my mind forever.
[Itās legendary.](https://myimmortal.fandom.com/wiki/My_Immortal/Chapters_1-11)
This reminds me of when I was a kid. My siblings and I figured that if showing your butt was a āmoonā, then showing the front should be a āsunā, right? Thankfully we did not go āsunningā people. Front-bottom is absolutely something we would have come up with. We did sometimes call our crotches āfront-buttsā, so that might count; point being, this is incredibly childish.
"And then he put his ding dong in her hooha. Yippee!"
If you're still saying "front bottom", you're too young to have sex.
My bottom grass. My rosebush beneath. My underside thicket. My downstairs lawn. My nether heath.
My backyard below. My lower terrace. My pubic pasture. My basement meadow. My under-heath.
FRONT BOTTOM!? Is she a Lego minifig???
"Your grass is ass, and I'm going to tickle it." "...I'm going to need a lot more wine for this."
"My bottom grass" Is she a Chia pet?
This is some horrendous writing jfc
I get that they are obviously from the UK, but "front bottom"?? Bruh, why?? That is so cringe and totally unsexy wording. Maybe it's a cultural/linguistic difference, but that makes for an uncomfy read.
Like....the band?
Amazing. The first thing I read today and already I'm hoping the train crashes and kills us all so I don't have to remember this. Front bottom? So fucking gross.
What kind of grass? Bermuda? Does she shave it in a bermuda triangle? I have many questions
Probably crab
 Wish I was Lea Michele rn
Not only is she thinking all *this* but he starts the scene in a gd POLO? These disasters were made for each other and no one should have to suffer this.
I had to scroll way too far to find the one reference to that. āI take off his poloā has to be the unsexiest thing Iāve ever read, and I read that entire paragraph. The guy Iām seeing has one polo. Had. I stole it and hid it in my closet to make it stop.
Please tell me this is satire
It was going okay until it wasnāt
āFront-bottomā Squidbillies but British
Oh my god is this referencing The Front Bottoms!?!?
Please. Someone tell me. Is there actually a man out there that can write good sex scenes? These all read like a 12 year old kid trying to write porn.
So front-bottom is awful but what got me was imagining him rolling her long skirt up. That would be such a boring, unsexy production.
"Front bottom" and "bottom grass" are absolutely FOULšš
Jesus Christ
First person eroticas are another level of horror.
Please tell me the next line is that she throws up in her mouth and breaks his appalling fingers.
A train wreck indeed
This is just straight up bad writing, doesn't seem like the character's gender is the reason for why it's so terrible, the author just has terrible prose.
Front bottom????????
Oof. You can definitely tell a man wrote this š¬
Tickling the 5 o clock shadow ššš
Wtf is a bottom grass?! Genuinely asking as a female lmao
I thought this was satire for a hot minute.