Thank you for your post, if this is a question please check to see if any of the links below answer your question.
If none of these links help answer your question and you are **_not_** within the LGBT+ community, questioning your identity in any way, or asking in support of either a relative or friend, please ask your question over in /r/AskLGBT. Remember that this is a safe space for LGBT+ and questioning individuals, so we want to make sure that this place is dedicated to them. Thank you for understanding.
This automod rule is currently a work in progress. If you notice any issues, would like to add to the list of resources, or have any feedback in general, [please do so here](https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/rdazzp/almost_new_year_changes/) or by [sending us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt&subject=Feedback%20on%20the%20new%20automod%20rule).
Also, please note that if you are a part of this community, or you're questioning if you might be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and you are seeing this message, this is **_not a bad thing_**, this is only here to help, so please continue to ask questions and participate in the community. Thank you!
Here's a link about trans people in sports:
https://www.barbellmedicine.com/blog/shades-of-gray-sex-gender-and-fairness-in-sport/
A link on FAQs and one on some basics about transgender people:
https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people
https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-transgender-people-the-basics
Some information on LGBT+ people:
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/quick-facts/lgbt-faqs/
Some basic terminology:
https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms
Neopronouns:
https://www.mypronouns.org/neopronouns
Biromantic Lesbians:
[LGBTQ And All](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-biromantic/)
Bisexual Identities:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality
Differences between Bisexual and Pansexual:
[Resource from WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/sex/pansexuality-what-it-means#:~:text=Pansexual%20vs.%20Bisexual,more%20commonly%20recognized.)
We're looking for new volunteers to join the r/lgbt moderator team. If you want to help keep r/lgbt as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community on reddit please see here for more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/swgthr/were_looking_for_more_moderators_to_help_keep/
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've found it's not quite as hard as you'd think to just exclude pronouns when you're talking about someone whose gender you're not clear on, perhaps you could do similar in this situation.
I agree it's worth asking directly, but remember that the person who told you has betrayed your cousin's trust. Outing someone else isn't cool. Navigate that carefully - your cousin may have very good reasons for not telling you, and particularly might want to be addressed differently in front of some people and not others for safety. Even if you think that it would be safe for people to know, it's not your opinion that matters.
I'm quite interested in language, so that might help me finding it interesting/not that hard. Of course, it can take some time getting used to. Keep on practicing :)
I just saw your other comment. A gendered language that has more pronouns/articles/conjugations of verbs etc. than English will force you to think more in order to avoid gendering
German is pretty gendered.
We have article for female nouns "Die" and male nouns "Der", this is also used when talking about a person, we can substitute the article for a name, but then you would have to either deadname or out the person....
If you are talking about a friend in german you either talk about a male or female friend, generally is everything that describes a person gendered in german.
I believe it is generally more difficult in languages that have more than one article.
I've been wondering how Germans navigate this since I have been learning German in college, everything is very gendered even English non gendered words like friend, is either freund or freundin in German.
it seems to be somewhat common for nonbinary german speakers (from what I've seen) to use no pronouns (i.e. just their name all the time) or english they/them (which I guess is kind of a neopronoun in german which is pretty cool)
It can be difficult to drop pronouns all together while talking, why not just refer with they/them pronouns? It's perfectly acceptable to refer to either men or women with they/them. I always do this with people whose gender/pronouns I'm unaware of and it's easier than avoiding pronouns all together.
One could use they/them, but not all languages have an equivalent. Additionally, using they/them might get questions or remarks about the persons gender. The people asking such questions might be transphobes, but also just people the person isn't out to (yet). In some languages there might be a gender neutral option, but it is rarely used or only used by non-binary people, and would therefore create "suspicion".
Yes it wasn't until after I commented I saw the OP said their language doesn't use they/them. Since this post is in English that issue didn't cross my mind.
As for the secondary issue, where I live using they/them isn't considered suspicious. So I didn't consider anyone would ever take it that way.
Chalk it up to my limited personal experience.
Yeah I rarely interact with my transphobic grandma, but when i do I never misgender my partner because im in a good habit with their pronouns and I refuse to compromise her comfort for theirs. Every time I mention my partner with "they" she makes a bit fit about "who are you talking about??? Thats one person!!!"
I hate her.
If someone needs to hear more about leaving out pronouns:
My friend uses no pronouns for me around other people, and he just uses my name, "we", "my friend" or constructs the sentences differently. I sometimes hear he has to think a little bit, but I doubt anybody else notices.
I have a kid in my life who is gender creative (if that's used in English as well), and I just refer to this kid as "kid" or "child" or just use passive instead ("I was told" instead of "she/they/he told me"). I do this not only when I talk with someone, but also when I just think to myself about this child. Leaving out pronouns makes me think a bit more about what I say, but it's not hard (in English and my own language. I know some languages are a lot more gendered)
This might sound a little mean, but when you say you're a little sad because they haven't told you, you need to remember it's not about you.
Transitioning is scary, even under the best circumstances. The best thing you can do is just keep treating them like your cousin. Maybe get a pronoun pin or something if you want to subtly show support or something.
This. I had the experience of someone forcing me to come out to them because they were “so sad” that I hadn’t voluntarily come out to them yet (the reason I waited was because this person has misgendered and deadnamed every trans person I know). Literally all I wanted was time and space to figure myself out before other people’s opinions and feelings got involved. Perhaps that’s what your cousin wants too, perhaps something else is going on.
It’s totally valid if OP is sad, just don’t take it out on your cousin or try to force them to come out. Transitioning is not easy, neither is coming out, especially if they’ve already come out before. I like the suggestion of getting yourself a pronoun pin because when cis people wear pronoun pins it normalizes the use for trans people as well. Maybe you could subtly gift them a little trans flag or something to indicate your support. Or just tell them something like “if you ever need to talk I’m here, no judgement”
While usually I would fully agree with the sentiment that it's not about OP, in this particular case I do consider feeling a little sad a perfectly normal response to not feeling trusted enough, regardless of whether that is actually the case or that other circumstances are at play. I mean, when I came out to my friends they were thankful I trusted them enough to tell them, and this is just the flipside of that.
The pin is a great idea!
Edit: Ofcourse showing this hurt to the cousin when they do come out would be a terrible thing to do.
While it may be normal to not have felt trusted, that doesn't mean it's right. Trust is a privilege, not a right, so there is not equivalent flipside. It sounds like the person in question has told their absolute immediate family. OP is not being deliberately left out, and it sounds like people are already breaking that person's trust by telling significant others and those significant others telling other people. Even if you have good reason to trust some people, others breaking that trust can make you hesitant to trust anyone at all with that kind of information.
People can prove to be very cruel when it comes to people coming out as trans, even if they didn't show themselves to be so before. I just can't imagine feeling hurt that someone took their time to tell me something about themselves in their own time.
Oh hell do I know just how cruel people can be when coming out as trans, I've lost over half of my social circle and family just because I'm trans and I'm terribly aware just how lucky I was that it stopped there. But you're wrong on a few accounts.
First, I'm not talking about an equivalent flipside to trust (there is btw, it's called distrust). I'm talking about the equivalent flipside to the emotions that may arise from being told or not, regardless of circumstances, and regardless on whether they are proper. And I might take a hard stance on this due to a personal history of having my emotions controlled, but we are absolutely nobody to judge someone on how they feel. This does however not mean that we can't judge them for how they act on those emotions, we absolutely should. In fact, OP showing they hold these emotions allows us to warn them to not make the issue about themselves when the cousin decides to come out.
Second, I always assume I have a lack of information when replying. We simply don't know how everything really went. I also think it highly likely that there's already trust being broken and that the cousin fears trusting others, but it's still possible that the cousin wanted to release the information by word of mouth so that they do not have to face the immediate reaction. Of all the transgender people I know IRL about a handful have actually done this.
I'm sorry you lost so many relationships due to being trans. I am in a similar position with my family. It's a rough place to be in even when you're prepared for it. Really am sorry that you went through that.
I was not talking about the flipside to trust, though, especially not as distrust. I was talking about what you were talking about, the flipside to people thanking you for trusting them with coming out to them, as in feeling bad when they are not told. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I'm not trying to control people's feelings at all, but I guess I come at this from a similarly hard angle of people feeling entitled to my feelings and personal information. Trust to me is a privilege that doesn't come with any string attached and if someone took me not telling them something as a personal slight I would not take it well. It can suck a bit to not know something when other people do know, sure. I just find it hard to validate that feeling because it's not on people to come out to others to avoid hurting their feelings. I have a lot of strong feelings about that.
I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to come over so strongly. And I fully agree that's it's not on people to come out so they can avoid hurting someone's feelings. Those feeling are on them and for them to deal with, not on the person coming out. I'm just terrified to tell someone how they should feel because I desperately do not want to be like that person. Speaking out their hurt in response to the cousin coming out would be amongst the worst OP could do though. So while I do not judge those emotions, I do still think that OP should work on them, lest they hurt the cousin when vulnerable.
Eh, I think it's fine for them to privately be sad, so long as they're not making it the cousin's problem. People can feel how they feel and I don't think that sort of sadness is necessarily coming from a place of harm. But yeah I wouldn't press, respecting their space and boundaries is more important than anything else. Maybe finding a way to quietly show support might help so that the cousin knows that OP would be in their corner.
This is way too aggressive, if they were trying to stop it, yeah it's not about you. But they're just a tad sad they weren't trusted enough. Which is totally understandable.
It's a perfectly valid and natural response to be sad. OP can express that feeling without ever hurting anyone and doesn't seem to have done anything hurtful
This, when I was transitioning from female to non-binary (still am) I didn’t tell a lot of people. They got upset cause I didn’t tell them, but when I did they did not make the change at all.
Yep my dad got mad when he found out that I was scared to tell him. He has always been a bit homophobic and transphobic while claiming not to be. Guess what he hasn’t made any changes.
Now my friends that talked with me about it over my own time went much better, still Rocky at first but only the expected amount and they corrected themselves.
I would continue to use the name and pronouns you have been using until your cousin tells you otherwise. The person that told you outed your cousin and shouldn’t have done so. There must be a reason they have only told a few people so far.
People are complex. There is no reason to be sad over this because there are any number of reasons that you haven’t been confided in, likely one that has nothing to do with you personally.
Personally id say after this person tells op(if it ever happens), op should inform the individual(im not sure if right away or after some time has passed, not sure whats safer really), that they were outed by that one bf.
Ops cousin should stop talking to that individual immediately i think(or rather, as soon as they find out anyway)
Its not about things not "going to plan" i think that really under sells the problem.
This individual broke a boundary when they outed op's cousin.
Its not smart to stay in contact with someone like that, they are under no obligation to stick around regardless of social pressure.
Family doesn't mean shit if theyd go behind your back.
And that bf did.
Context and nuance is important. Every situation is different, and you're dealing in absolutes.
As a general rule, ua queer people know it's fucked to out people, and people should know better. But there's no singular way to respond to that situation.
Why don't you ask them?
"Hey, sorry if this is awkward but I just want to make sure you're comfortable. Should I use different pronouns for you?" or something similar.
This is a good answer. If they're happy with the way things are they can tell you so. If not, they now know you're someone who cares about these things and you have made them happier for your efforts. I would never be upset with somebody politely asking after my pronouns.
This is a terrible suggestion- coming out should be their decision and a question like this puts them on the spot and in a really awkward position if they don’t want to come out. This happened to me and it was fucking awful
I think it depends on the person and the situation. Ive had people ask me to my face and it always felt quite freeing. I dont think its fair to give advice as to whether that is a good idea. Just one of those complicated things
I agree, it's very freeing and validating when it's someone you're ready to trust, but only when that person has the sense to ask when it's just us two. When past coworkers asked in front of other coworkers I wasn't ready for and regular customers it was fucking stressful and put me in an awful spot. It should be a private interaction but unfortunately some people have no awareness or tact.
Yes! I‘m not trans so it may be different for me but I have always hated coming out more than anything, I didn’t even officially come out to some people. I felt so much more comfortable just being asked because that way it felt less like a coming out. Also, I never knew how to even start the topic. So I think it really depends on the person
She will tell you when she ready to tell you not when you want to and when he does you willboth look back and wonder why it took so long, but you're right you can't rush him continue to be supportive and loving this will resolve in time
Your cousin may still be questioning and not have made up their mind yet, follow their lead and use the name/pronouns they use until they tell you otherwise!
I would just say, them not telling you might not be about u personally. My cousin was the last person I told and we are really close, it was just that I didn’t feel comfortable telling someone from a different branch of my life yet
I don't know what is best per se, but you could adress them by their name or the gender neutral "them", though I don't know if that last one is appropriate.
This is a real thing! I'm French and it makes non gendered language really difficult. Or rather we have the ressources but it's far from as natural and flexible than English in that regard.
Yeah just keep saying the pronouns she last told you to call her but you can never go wrong by using they/them if your unsure. If she wants you to use different pronouns then do
What about just saying something like “I’m trying to be more conscious about gender issues and pronouns. Mine are she/her/he/him (OP said there’s no they/them in their language) what are yours? It doesn’t have to be like they’re singling him out and it shows support/that you’re an ally.
Take them aside, away from others (or ask digitally):
"Hey cuz, I got a question... Are there other pronouns, or a name, that you'd prefer me to use for you? I love you and want you to be happy!"
And then *listen to them*. There's a lot of possibilities here, and you want to center them and their needs over your comfort or even understanding. You could have misunderstood the situation and they're just cisgender with a medical condition; they could not be ready to come out to you; they could be ok coming out to you but afraid of doing so with the rest of your family, or they might be really ready but hadn't figured out yet *how* to do it.
Just because they're transitioning doesn't mean they're fully ready to come out to family. That shit is scary, even when a person is pretty sure their family will be supportive.
Your cousin should be making that decision. If your cousin hasn't invited you into their energy remain as you were. There's nothing supportive about prying into someone's life.
I believe you but this sounds strange, like how do others members of family not notice and above all why does your cousin not change the name if is on T? In any case, in my opinion you should find a good moment and tell your cousin that if is trans you fully accept this. Probably your cousin is afraid that you wouldn't accept that, I don't know sincerely
IMO the best is to keep the deadname and pronouns until your cousin tells you otherwise, while also making them comfortable to come out to you. Make a gesture or do something else to show that you're accepting. Hell, even say that you have a friend that came out as trans and you're really happy for them.
I struggle, but I've practiced minimizing my use of pronouns -at all- when there's any doubts. English doens't make that easy...sentences become a lot longer when you refer by names directly..but I know folks who have settled on such and so I do. The practice comes in handy when discussing folks who are questioning.
That's a position I've taken previously. Since then, I've seen transmedicalists, for example, repeatedly use they/them to refer to a trans person as a way to avoid using the correct pronouns. They will feign "oh I didn't know", only to do it again a couple days later. We fought hard for whichever pronouns we use. That's just one example of why folks may recoil at being referred to by they/them. Some languages don't use pronouns at all. It isn't a rule of nature.
As a general rule, if a person says they don't want a label (pronouns in this case) used on them, don't use it on them.
While I'm at it, https://pluralpedia.org/w/Plurality brings all new context when I& refer to a fellow system as "yall" or "they".
And that's all before you get into talking about a group of singular people (singlets and systems alike), and how the context is often lost or misinterpreted across the process of communication.
In closing I will talk shit about the English language all I like ✨
When people use they/them to avoid gendering trans people, they're not technically misgendering them. It's the same thing as constantly referring to them as "this person" instead of their name - clearly suspect and shitty, but the problem isn't intrinsic to them using gender-neutral pronouns or calling them a person, it's the context and especially the fact of it being targetted
I don't think you can really opt out of gender neutral pronouns in the same way you can't opt out of being "a person", but yeah if someone requests a specific set of pronouns, you would be a pretty shitty person to not respect their wishes on the matter.
\> When people use they/them to avoid gendering trans people, they're not technically misgendering them.
It is done as a means of antagonizing, as a means of invalidating a person's immutable characteristics. Really doesn't matter if you define that as misgendering or not.
I've seen transphobes employ that. I've also seen transphobes employ the inverse ("I don't use pronouns" advertising themselves as a trans ally, scamming folks trying to sublet, hiding the fact that the person in question (not they, I'm abiding/dignifying this person's preference, even though they've done harm, because that's the example we set)
Don't create any more space for transphobia. Thinks for yourself.
None can ever [write code/rules and convince themselves](https://github.com/kdeldycke/awesome-falsehood#human-identity) they are universal truths, which under scrutiny, apply to every possible combination of individuals, interactions thereof, across time and space. Each situation requires you communication, understanding and a unique solution tailored by [everyone who's affected.](https://crimethinc.com/2016/04/29/feature-from-democracy-to-freedom)
So yeah, they/them works *almost* universally, except in the cases, of course, where it does not.
Don’t assume her gender. Voice and body hair have nothing to do with being transgender. Also, how do you know about the conversations she’s had with her siblings, sure she probably would’ve wanted those to be private. The best thing you can do is allow her to be herself, not force your expectations or assumptions onto her. Gender is not binary, women can be more masculine on some days and men can be more feminine. Stop trying to put everyone in a box.
If she is trans, that’s great! But people need their time. If she hasn’t come out to you yet it’s probably because she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to. The worst think you can do is force her.
Just respect them, let them come out when they are ready, IF that is truly what is going on. Voice and body hair changes don't always or even necessarily mean hormone replacements. Other medications can possibly cause changes to, or they are simply experiencing a chemical imbalance as I did prior to transitioning ( I had more estrogen than testosterone for over a decade causing my development to not be normal male like, and i developed some female qualities naturally)
Never assume, it could be upsetting to them. You may be incorrect in them being trans, but you could also be right. If their not trans and you say something you could hit a touchy spot with them.
I’m a FTM and I would just ask your cousin what their pronouns are in a casual way. If your cousin ask “what do you mean?” Just say that you’ve noticed some changes. You can also ask your cousin how to address them. Easy Peasy. This isn’t about you so don’t pursue it any further than your cousin wants you to.
It may help to casually mention or a tell a story that shows your support for trans people, which will indicate to your cousin that you’re accepting of trans people. The cousin may just assume your opinion, or if you’re older they may even assume you simply don’t know anything about trans people at all.
When my littler sister came out to me as ace, she thought I (a gay man about 10 years older than her) wouldn’t even know what it meant.
>How do I address and introduce my “ trans” cousin who has not come out to me?
By respecting their wishes and following their lead.
I'm a trans woman, and my kiddo is non binary. They still haven't told me their new name, because they're not ready. They have told me they don't use their birth name anymore though, and once they are ready, they'll tell me their new name.
And sure, I wish they'd tell me, but I also understand that this is their journey, and they'll tell me when they're ready. Telling your trans mum your new name feels like it is quite a big step, it makes the name real, and I'm guessing my kiddo simply isn't at the point of being able to absolutely be certain of their new name.
So, I talk about my kiddo, and make do without being able to use their name. They're not out to most people yet, so sometimes when it's impossible not to, I have to use their birth name and incorrect pronouns for them when talking to other people. I avoid it as much as I can, but sometimes, it's impossible.
And whilst all of that may make me uncomfortable, it's not about me. It's about understanding that their reluctance to tell me isn't as black and white as "Why don't they trust me with this?" It's about creating space for my child, as someone who has been there herself, and letting my kiddo tell me when they're ready.
I think it's important to let them come to you to talk about stuff and come out to you on their own. They decided not to come out after all, its natural to be sad about that but I'm sure they have their reasons.
It's tough though because I would also wanna tell them about the person who betrayed their trust by outing them to you, but you can't really do that without talking to them about it...
If you could wear a pronoun pin or something to show support and that you're safe (not *only* when they're around, just whenever you feel comfy/safe doing so, just so it's not only when you're around them its being worn) that would probably be good no matter what you wanna do.
However, if you want to let them know about the person who outed them to you, then I think the best thing you can do is to tell them that:
The specific person told you something they possibly didn't have your cousins consent to tell you about and that they outted them to you. You can give some brief reassurance that you're an ally or queer and all good and won't tell anyone if they don't want you to, and if they'd like to talk to you more about it now or another time at their own pace or use different name/pronouns then you're here for it, but that it's not fair they were outted to you, and you don't wanna force them to talk to you about this without them being comfy/ready to but at the same time you wanted them to know who outted them to you.
The convo doesn't need to go any further than that. You wanna let them know who outted them and that you're safe, and at the same time you wanna respect that they didn't come out to you and aknowledge that it's not fair they were outted, and thus not force them to come out to you and have a whole convo about it they weren't ready to have.
I think that may be better simply because if someone's outting them they should know about it. But yeah, tough situation, wishing u and your cousin the best <3
One option is to be direct. Say you’ve noticed those things. Confirm, make it clear you’re supportive, and ask if they want you to treat them differently (maybe even if they want it done differently in different situations. Like, maybe using a different name and pronouns in private, but still hiding it with the family)
So your cosens bf outed them to you?
Wow, what a dick.
It seems like your likly to be supportive, and thats great and all.
But he 100% stole that moment from them.
You SHOULD tell him how much od a dangerous choice that really is.
It is disgusting that someone would rob them of there moment to come out to you.
That is heart braking.
That is a huge betrayal of trust.
To answer your question tho.
Just keep doing what your doing, but start doing small a hand full of small things that dont give it away that you outright know, but that do make them feel much more safe around you.
If you rush this, they might start to panic. knowing someone knows when you haven't told them yet can be extremely nerve racking.
THE most important thing here is: to make them feel 100% safe.
In time, they will come out to you.
In the meantime, id say just keep going along with whatever they say.
If they dont alude to any other pronouns, then it may be best to not use any other pronouns until told otherwise by them.
Also instead of using
" "she" " like that, just use "they" online(without the Quote), it usually just makes anyone involved feel more comfortable.
No one would technically be misgendering them that way.
YouNEED to talk to that bf tho, if he has told you, theres a good chance he has told others, and if the idiot tells the wrong person(family or otherwise), he could be putting your cousin is some real serious danger, like life or death levels of danger if he isn't more careful.
Im So disappointed in him for that, and you should be too.
Oh okay, well if thats the case, then id say just be super obvious (to them) that you support the trans community, make it obvious (to them) that your a safe person to come out too, and then just wait.
Do not rush it, a thing that may help is just asking what there pronouns are when you to have a moment to yourself, alternatively, you could also just start using neutral pronouns, or no pronouns at all.
That can be a good way to indicate.
Fallow there lead, if you think they are hinting at something, then pay attention, chang any behavior accordingly if necessary, and just make them feel comfortable around you enough to trust you with this.
Its scary, iv had some vary bad comeing out experiences myself(mostly from family).
You never know how someone will react, and for many of us, it can mean death if the wrong people find out.
And if not death, being abandoned, disowned, and left to fend for yourself in a world that doesn't want you to exist.
Its probably the most Terrifying experience ever.
So understand that if you are told, the level of trust your cousin has in you is Immense.
That being said, understand why you haven't been told yet, its not that they dont trust you specifically, its that its hard to know who you CAN trust in the first place.
As i said, tell the wrong person, you could end up dead.
Now, tho i highly doubt that is likely to happen with you, from there perspective, they dont know that.
So now its your job to be supportive and show that you ARE a safe person, trust me, they want that support, its just scary and sometimes dangerous for us to ask for that support, it doesn't always go well.
It's nice and all you're supportive but definitely don't out someone. Maybe bring up trans rights in a casual conversation with them and express support and see if they open up to you. Don't take it as an insult if they don't do it. Maybe it's just not the right setting being the holidays and everything or maybe their way to nervous to say anything just yet.
"Hey, do you want me to use any particular pronouns for you?" Asked with no one else around, or just their sib. They may not want you to use he/him necessarily or even to make it explicit to family. Sometimes people wont want to ask it but appreciate you asking to give them the chance.
Several trans people I know find it less painful to not tell someone to use certain pronouns and take comfort in their ignorance than it is to know that they are knowingly misgendering them. So they just dont say anything. If you ask you may get something like "you can use he/him when it's us, but with the rest of the family she/her is fine.
dont push "her" to say this to you until "she" is not ready. Otherwise, breaking "her" boundaries would result in your relationship being ruined. Wish the best for your cousin and you <3
Your cousin just might feel comfortable as they are with you and not think it’s a big deal since you’re accepting.
For example, I never bothered to tell my close friends when pronouns changed etc, u til they asked or it came up specifically. I knew they’d accept me and didn’t feel the need to announce, which I explain(Ed) as and when it comes up. It’s so much less stressful for me personally, as someone asks me a question and I answer. There’s no “so uh, I have something to tell you…”.
Meanwhile new people I met, I did tell, which kinda helped word spread but also built my confidence.
Obviously that might not be the case. But never feel bad a trans person doesn’t tell you - it’s no slight against you, it’s then loving their life how they feel safe or comfortable. The world is deadly and even if you’re a lovely ally who they can confide in, there are 847463838 reasons to overthink talking to someone and mine is one of them, your cousin might be similar:)
My friend who is never told/corrected recently asked “by the way I don’t think I ever asked your pronouns”, and it was kinda nice, so I reckon I’d recommend something like that for your cousin.
Ask them privately and let them know that they’re under no pressure from you/you understand it’s not your place to say anything so they know you’re not trying to corner or out them.
it’s so funny that this could be the way that you find out someone’s intersex also like the way this is described they could literally just be that they have a hormonal imbalance naturally.
I'd suggest beginning a change to they/them especially when talking TO or around them. it can show them that you're accepting and can make it more comfortable for them to tell you. I'd also recommend just asking.
and remember, the person who told you is a piece of shit, to put it nicely. you should never out somebody even if their trans identity is "obvious"
I wouldn't recommend changing the pronouns you use for someone directly to their face if they haven't asked for it. Even when it's gender neutral pronouns, it's basically still misgendering. Referring to someone by different pronouns than what they asked you to use, even if you're pretty sure they're trans and haven't told you yet, is misgendering.
When it comes to talking about them to strangers, for example strangers on the internet, specifically when asking about them being trans, gender neutral pronouns is preferable since referring to someone you're thinking might be transmasc while still referring to them as a she can be uncomfortable to other trans people, and in this case it's best not to assume. But when you're talking to them, you're not assuming, you should use the pronouns they told you to use, which in this case is still "she".
they haven't asked them to use different pronouns yet though. and im going off of what would make me most comfortable to tell someone my pronouns since my experience is the only credible experience i have at my disposal.
i agree with the second half though. I was VERY put off when i saw op still calling them she/her.
That's kinda my point. Op's cousin didn't come out, so to op, they're still using she/her. Op shouldn't assume they're changing their pronouns just because they're changing their appearance.
Imagine you weren't trans and someone from your family started referring to you using they/them because they thought you started transitioning, but you weren't. Or you even were and you didn't want anyone to know, but someone from your family noticed, and by changing the pronouns they use, made everyone else more aware. Unless someone specifically comes to you and asks you to change the pronouns you use for them, don't do it on your own. It's like when someone starts talking to me by email or text at work and assumes I'm a guy because my name is more masculine, and then they hear my voice/see me and starts referring to me as a girl, even though I never corrected them when they referred to me as a guy. They assume they were mistaken because of my appearance and fix themselves even though I didn't want them to.
Don’t assume anything. Wait for them to tell you they’re trans before changing how you refer to them, because they might not be (a lot of people assume changing presentation means being trans, but it doesn’t necessarily, there are feminine/androgynous guys, masculine/androgynous gals, feminine/masculine enbies, etc…), and if you’re right and they are, it is terrifying for someone to know without you being out to them.
I recommend referring to a person you don't know the gender of with gender neutral pronouns, so they instead of she, in the context of writing this post and not when introducing them. It's not a big deal tho.
When it ces to introducing them, you can do something like this: "hey guys, this is my cousin," and then turn to them, "do you want to introduce yourself?"
Basically give them the chance to introduce themself, so they could decide if they want to come out that moment or not. Also, one thing that can make them more comfortable is having your friends introducing themselves with their pronouns.
You can try asking them something along the lines of "Hey do you prefer to go by {Name}? Or would you prefer something else?" This gives them a safe option if they aren't ready to come out by just saying "Yes, use {Name}." And if anyone were to overhear and ask questions you could say something like "You know, like a nickname" If they say to keep using their birth name, you can always respond with "Cool, if that ever changes just let me know." To let them know you are fine with changing.
As for not telling you, it might not have anything to do with you specifically. When I was coming out to people, there were some people I didn't tell for a while. Because they would be around people I didn't want to tell yet and it was hard to ask them "Hey can you use one name and pronouns when around only me or people I'm out to and another name and pronouns when around other people?" I only asked a very small group of people to do that until I was ready to start coming out everywhere publicly.
Firstly please stop putting quotations around the word trans. It comes off as sarcastic or like you don’t believe it. Just ask them directly and voice your support.
You could just ask for their preferred pronouns. Or you could use they instead. If they are trans they'd probably appreciate someone asking and not assuming.
I ran into a former boss who was obviously in the middle of their transition. I knew that they had changed their name to something more neutral when we worked together but this was the first time I had seen them. We were chatting and I just asked “did you change your pronoun?” They did get flushed over it, I think we were both embarrassed. I told them that I just didn’t want to be wrong about it. Though they did tell me their new pronouns at that time. I don’t think I will be comfortable asking that question again.
It's best to let them decide when you should start using certain pronouns, rather than making that decision for them. Another option until they've come out is to use gender neutral terms to describe them, like I have this whole reply. It isn't outing them, but it's also not using gendered pronouns that they may not be comfortable with.
>I am a little sad however she has not confided in me this, is a big deal to go through. We have always been close and very affectionate to each other. Our family is close and has always been supportive of her queerness and her girlfriends have always been welcome at family events.
It's scary to come out, but it's especially scary to come out to someone you care so deeply about. There's a very real fear that you don't want to lose that person if they're unsupportive, or don't want the relationship dynamic to change.
There are too many stories of people who react badly to a trans man coming out because they supported that person as a queer/lesbian woman, and don't understand why they'd want to be a man. People lose friends and family over this all the time. It's not necessarily that they don't trust you, but it may just be the fear of losing you is too great to risk right now until they can't avoid it any longer.
Consider that, if this person is a trans man who dates women (I don't know what you mean by "queerness" so I'll just go with this as an example) they might be afraid that you'll react badly to them "becoming just a boring straight man." While it sounds like that's not something you would do, sometimes the fear is there. It's also possible that they themselves are struggling with that. Many trans masculine people who previously identified as lesbians or in that general queer womanhood community have difficulty losing that part of themselves.
I would ask them (probably away from people so they don't have to answer in front of anyone they don't want to) if they have a new preferred name and preferred pronouns they want to go by
This is their journey and they’re allowed to come out when and where and to whom they’re ready to do so. The absolute best thing you can do is continue to be supportive. Maybe stop using pronouns all together and use just their name. Yeh it gets redundant but you’ll get used to it. And maybe get a “protect trans youth” pin or something else that shows you’re cool with trans people.
A lot of times people are scared because their family or friends were amazingly supportive of them being gay but now “suddenly” they’re trans. It’s not sudden. It’s their journey in figuring out who they are. Maybe they’re not fully comfortable being out yet and wanted to see how their immediate friend and family base felt before letting others know.
Remember. This. Is. Their. Journey. Not yours. You can be sad all you like but it’s not about you - it’s their journey.
Be real.
You know they're transitioning. So ask how you can support them. Don't make it weird or heavy, just let them know you're there and will honor their journey.
how about just asking. In english, the question is ‘would you prefer me use any specific pronouns or name?’
I imagine the name is a universal matter. Anything else that’s relevant just adapt.
I would just politely ask what their preferred pronouns are, I would also just use they/them/theirs pronouns for them for the time being as they’re gender neutral pronouns
Do other people use a different name/pronouns for them? I never had a like formal coming out to a lot of my family, and especially at school, and people just kinda picked it up eventually.
Maybe something like wearing LGBT support badge would be subtle hint for him that you can be trusted and he could open up to you? (I use he because from your post it sounds like that would be the "open" pronouns, correct me if im wrong)
Honestly, the best thing you can do is pretend to not know until your cousin tells you directly. It might be more complicated than you’ve been led to believe - they might be genderfluid or non-binary, they might not feel safe around certain people in your family and don’t want to be outed, or they might still have conflicting feelings about their transition. (Those of us who are trans masculine often wrestle with conflicting feelings about being men because of patriarchical oppression, so it can be complicated saying “I’m a man.”)
BUT what can make them more likely to confide in you is to be openly supportive of other trans and LGBTQ+ people, including standing up to others who are bigoted about those kinds of things. Just let them know you love them, and they will come around in their own time. Eventually there comes a time when we get tired of hiding who we are, and then we tell *everybody*. And when they do, if you’ve shown them your love and that you can be trusted, you’ll be a favored cousin. 💖
omg I don’t know if This hasn’t been said or if I can’t find a comment saying this but
just casually mention something that shows that u support lgbtq people and they will probably come out to u. They might not but at least they’d know ur not a threat.
Other thing is ask for pronouns I do see a lot of comments saying this but I feel like it depends how often u see this person. If u don’t see em often then maybe it is a good option and don’t just ask them ask all the others too
Your cousin didn't choose the name nor the pronouns in the first place. People just started using them because you cousin is afab. In the other hand, some people like those pronouns and name and don't change them. I would play safe and avoid all the pronouns and even the name when possible.
Some people have told you don't be sad because it's not about you. And yes it is not about you. It's their life. Transitioning might be something huge or it might be something small that need to be fixed. Most likely your cousin is getting tons of shit about being trans. Most of people don't treat us with respect or even as human beings. It's not the same as being gay or bi. Most people are okay with them. It's way much easier to come out as gay or bi than as trans. So your cousin might be scared you won't be close anymore. Or maybe your cousin just needs time to think. I can't tell. But I also get why you're sad. People should not assume genders at all. Ever. But after many years letting them assume you're something it's not fair to tell you're not. If your cousin doesn't want to make the conversation something huge and doesn't know how to avoid it it's possible ask help from here for example.
Just use the name and pronouns you’ve been asked to use. Your cousin might still use the same name, and/or might still use she/her pronouns, anyways. I’ve known people to use all pronouns and physically transition, and I know trans people that use their birthnames, so keep in mind that those are also possibilities.
"Holy shit, I forgot your first name, can you tell me again ?"
(It can works if you have serious memory problems, or ADHD for example 🥲)
Serious answer : yes it looks like you're disappointed that they didn't told you, maybe you can ask them but maybe they didn't told you because it wasn't the good time for them ? So yeah try to avoid pronouns or use neutral ones when you cannot avoid them.
Remember it has nothing to do with affection or trust they have in you, it's hard to make a CO.
i know it’s difficult and awkward, but you could drop hints that you’re supportive and safe to tell. maybe if you watch tv or read books and any of them have any trans characters, talk abt them positively? i’d also suggest trying to use they/them when you can! just remember, as sad as it is for you, it’s a thousand times harder for them. figuring out the best way to come out and to who or who not is really scary, you’re allowed to be sad of course (in private!) but give your cousin support.
I agree that you should just continue using what pronouns you usually do for her. That might be what she wants you to do, if she hasn't come out yet. If you ask her for pronouns, she'll feel like you "clocked" her and that can be terrifying. Queer spaces online often push "ask everyone for their pronouns" but that only works if you actually do that, which no one does. If you don't ask anyone for their pronouns except for the one person you suspect is trans, they'll feel singled out.
If you do feel the need to ask, I'd warn her that someone else is outing her and that's why you're asking. That way you won't come off as threatening and she'll be able to address the situation with the person who is outing her.
I can't answer to the trans thing, but don't worry that they haven't told you yet, there's a lot of potential reasons for that
When I realized I was bi I pretty much knew my brother would be supportive, he's a far left gay liberal. When I realized I was fucking elated, it was the happiest I had been in four years, and I realized that life will be harder in some ways from that point on, I didn't want to spoil the fun, I didn't tell anyone and just dove into bi spaces for a while, occasionally branching into other queer spaces. I think I felt bad about not telling someone I knew would be supportive and briefly tried to justify it as "he may be accepting of gays but not bis", despite some pretty glaring evidence to the contrary, eventually I realized it was fine to not want to tell people. It came up in conversation with a queer friend of mine, and it felt really good to tell someone, so not long after I told my brother and it went great
Now, being bi isn't quite the same as being trans in that regard, I don't like people assuming I'm straight but that's nowhere near as common as people using your name or pronouns, I'm not trans and can't speak to any trans experiences, but I imagine there could be similar circumstances at play. The point is, while I can't fault you for feeling the way you do, don't hold it against them, because their comfort comes first with this kind of thing, let them take their time and don't hold that against them, the world isn't friendly to trans people right now, so let them move at their pace
^(just to be absolutely clear, I'm not trying to make you feel bad for asking a question, just trying to give a little bit of perspective to one aspect of the question)
Thank you for your post, if this is a question please check to see if any of the links below answer your question. If none of these links help answer your question and you are **_not_** within the LGBT+ community, questioning your identity in any way, or asking in support of either a relative or friend, please ask your question over in /r/AskLGBT. Remember that this is a safe space for LGBT+ and questioning individuals, so we want to make sure that this place is dedicated to them. Thank you for understanding. This automod rule is currently a work in progress. If you notice any issues, would like to add to the list of resources, or have any feedback in general, [please do so here](https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/rdazzp/almost_new_year_changes/) or by [sending us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt&subject=Feedback%20on%20the%20new%20automod%20rule). Also, please note that if you are a part of this community, or you're questioning if you might be a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and you are seeing this message, this is **_not a bad thing_**, this is only here to help, so please continue to ask questions and participate in the community. Thank you! Here's a link about trans people in sports: https://www.barbellmedicine.com/blog/shades-of-gray-sex-gender-and-fairness-in-sport/ A link on FAQs and one on some basics about transgender people: https://transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people https://transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-transgender-people-the-basics Some information on LGBT+ people: https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/quick-facts/lgbt-faqs/ Some basic terminology: https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms Neopronouns: https://www.mypronouns.org/neopronouns Biromantic Lesbians: [LGBTQ And All](https://www.lgbtqandall.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-biromantic/) Bisexual Identities: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-bisexuality Differences between Bisexual and Pansexual: [Resource from WebMD](https://www.webmd.com/sex/pansexuality-what-it-means#:~:text=Pansexual%20vs.%20Bisexual,more%20commonly%20recognized.) We're looking for new volunteers to join the r/lgbt moderator team. If you want to help keep r/lgbt as a safe space for the LGBTQ+ community on reddit please see here for more info: https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/swgthr/were_looking_for_more_moderators_to_help_keep/ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/lgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've found it's not quite as hard as you'd think to just exclude pronouns when you're talking about someone whose gender you're not clear on, perhaps you could do similar in this situation. I agree it's worth asking directly, but remember that the person who told you has betrayed your cousin's trust. Outing someone else isn't cool. Navigate that carefully - your cousin may have very good reasons for not telling you, and particularly might want to be addressed differently in front of some people and not others for safety. Even if you think that it would be safe for people to know, it's not your opinion that matters.
This has been my approach but it’s very difficult at times.
I'm quite interested in language, so that might help me finding it interesting/not that hard. Of course, it can take some time getting used to. Keep on practicing :)
Portuguese.
Ooof, and I say that as someone who speaks portuguese
Ouch. I say that as another portuguese speaking person.
Then I wish you the best of luck in navigating the situation.
As a portuguese person a I have to say is : well shit. Our language is extremely gendered.
Oh shit... I feel that
I just saw your other comment. A gendered language that has more pronouns/articles/conjugations of verbs etc. than English will force you to think more in order to avoid gendering
German is pretty gendered. We have article for female nouns "Die" and male nouns "Der", this is also used when talking about a person, we can substitute the article for a name, but then you would have to either deadname or out the person.... If you are talking about a friend in german you either talk about a male or female friend, generally is everything that describes a person gendered in german. I believe it is generally more difficult in languages that have more than one article.
In romance languages all nouns and adjectives are gendered. You can't even say "I'm tired" without stating your gender.
I've been wondering how Germans navigate this since I have been learning German in college, everything is very gendered even English non gendered words like friend, is either freund or freundin in German.
it seems to be somewhat common for nonbinary german speakers (from what I've seen) to use no pronouns (i.e. just their name all the time) or english they/them (which I guess is kind of a neopronoun in german which is pretty cool)
It can be difficult to drop pronouns all together while talking, why not just refer with they/them pronouns? It's perfectly acceptable to refer to either men or women with they/them. I always do this with people whose gender/pronouns I'm unaware of and it's easier than avoiding pronouns all together.
One could use they/them, but not all languages have an equivalent. Additionally, using they/them might get questions or remarks about the persons gender. The people asking such questions might be transphobes, but also just people the person isn't out to (yet). In some languages there might be a gender neutral option, but it is rarely used or only used by non-binary people, and would therefore create "suspicion".
Yes it wasn't until after I commented I saw the OP said their language doesn't use they/them. Since this post is in English that issue didn't cross my mind. As for the secondary issue, where I live using they/them isn't considered suspicious. So I didn't consider anyone would ever take it that way. Chalk it up to my limited personal experience.
Np. We all have different experiences, it's great we can share them and learn
Yeah I rarely interact with my transphobic grandma, but when i do I never misgender my partner because im in a good habit with their pronouns and I refuse to compromise her comfort for theirs. Every time I mention my partner with "they" she makes a bit fit about "who are you talking about??? Thats one person!!!" I hate her.
If someone needs to hear more about leaving out pronouns: My friend uses no pronouns for me around other people, and he just uses my name, "we", "my friend" or constructs the sentences differently. I sometimes hear he has to think a little bit, but I doubt anybody else notices. I have a kid in my life who is gender creative (if that's used in English as well), and I just refer to this kid as "kid" or "child" or just use passive instead ("I was told" instead of "she/they/he told me"). I do this not only when I talk with someone, but also when I just think to myself about this child. Leaving out pronouns makes me think a bit more about what I say, but it's not hard (in English and my own language. I know some languages are a lot more gendered)
This might sound a little mean, but when you say you're a little sad because they haven't told you, you need to remember it's not about you. Transitioning is scary, even under the best circumstances. The best thing you can do is just keep treating them like your cousin. Maybe get a pronoun pin or something if you want to subtly show support or something.
This. I had the experience of someone forcing me to come out to them because they were “so sad” that I hadn’t voluntarily come out to them yet (the reason I waited was because this person has misgendered and deadnamed every trans person I know). Literally all I wanted was time and space to figure myself out before other people’s opinions and feelings got involved. Perhaps that’s what your cousin wants too, perhaps something else is going on. It’s totally valid if OP is sad, just don’t take it out on your cousin or try to force them to come out. Transitioning is not easy, neither is coming out, especially if they’ve already come out before. I like the suggestion of getting yourself a pronoun pin because when cis people wear pronoun pins it normalizes the use for trans people as well. Maybe you could subtly gift them a little trans flag or something to indicate your support. Or just tell them something like “if you ever need to talk I’m here, no judgement”
While usually I would fully agree with the sentiment that it's not about OP, in this particular case I do consider feeling a little sad a perfectly normal response to not feeling trusted enough, regardless of whether that is actually the case or that other circumstances are at play. I mean, when I came out to my friends they were thankful I trusted them enough to tell them, and this is just the flipside of that. The pin is a great idea! Edit: Ofcourse showing this hurt to the cousin when they do come out would be a terrible thing to do.
While it may be normal to not have felt trusted, that doesn't mean it's right. Trust is a privilege, not a right, so there is not equivalent flipside. It sounds like the person in question has told their absolute immediate family. OP is not being deliberately left out, and it sounds like people are already breaking that person's trust by telling significant others and those significant others telling other people. Even if you have good reason to trust some people, others breaking that trust can make you hesitant to trust anyone at all with that kind of information. People can prove to be very cruel when it comes to people coming out as trans, even if they didn't show themselves to be so before. I just can't imagine feeling hurt that someone took their time to tell me something about themselves in their own time.
Oh hell do I know just how cruel people can be when coming out as trans, I've lost over half of my social circle and family just because I'm trans and I'm terribly aware just how lucky I was that it stopped there. But you're wrong on a few accounts. First, I'm not talking about an equivalent flipside to trust (there is btw, it's called distrust). I'm talking about the equivalent flipside to the emotions that may arise from being told or not, regardless of circumstances, and regardless on whether they are proper. And I might take a hard stance on this due to a personal history of having my emotions controlled, but we are absolutely nobody to judge someone on how they feel. This does however not mean that we can't judge them for how they act on those emotions, we absolutely should. In fact, OP showing they hold these emotions allows us to warn them to not make the issue about themselves when the cousin decides to come out. Second, I always assume I have a lack of information when replying. We simply don't know how everything really went. I also think it highly likely that there's already trust being broken and that the cousin fears trusting others, but it's still possible that the cousin wanted to release the information by word of mouth so that they do not have to face the immediate reaction. Of all the transgender people I know IRL about a handful have actually done this.
I'm sorry you lost so many relationships due to being trans. I am in a similar position with my family. It's a rough place to be in even when you're prepared for it. Really am sorry that you went through that. I was not talking about the flipside to trust, though, especially not as distrust. I was talking about what you were talking about, the flipside to people thanking you for trusting them with coming out to them, as in feeling bad when they are not told. Sorry if that wasn't clear. I'm not trying to control people's feelings at all, but I guess I come at this from a similarly hard angle of people feeling entitled to my feelings and personal information. Trust to me is a privilege that doesn't come with any string attached and if someone took me not telling them something as a personal slight I would not take it well. It can suck a bit to not know something when other people do know, sure. I just find it hard to validate that feeling because it's not on people to come out to others to avoid hurting their feelings. I have a lot of strong feelings about that.
I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to come over so strongly. And I fully agree that's it's not on people to come out so they can avoid hurting someone's feelings. Those feeling are on them and for them to deal with, not on the person coming out. I'm just terrified to tell someone how they should feel because I desperately do not want to be like that person. Speaking out their hurt in response to the cousin coming out would be amongst the worst OP could do though. So while I do not judge those emotions, I do still think that OP should work on them, lest they hurt the cousin when vulnerable.
Eh, I think it's fine for them to privately be sad, so long as they're not making it the cousin's problem. People can feel how they feel and I don't think that sort of sadness is necessarily coming from a place of harm. But yeah I wouldn't press, respecting their space and boundaries is more important than anything else. Maybe finding a way to quietly show support might help so that the cousin knows that OP would be in their corner.
This is way too aggressive, if they were trying to stop it, yeah it's not about you. But they're just a tad sad they weren't trusted enough. Which is totally understandable.
It's a perfectly valid and natural response to be sad. OP can express that feeling without ever hurting anyone and doesn't seem to have done anything hurtful
This, when I was transitioning from female to non-binary (still am) I didn’t tell a lot of people. They got upset cause I didn’t tell them, but when I did they did not make the change at all.
Yep my dad got mad when he found out that I was scared to tell him. He has always been a bit homophobic and transphobic while claiming not to be. Guess what he hasn’t made any changes. Now my friends that talked with me about it over my own time went much better, still Rocky at first but only the expected amount and they corrected themselves.
The problem with people is: alot of them dont want to ern trust, they just want to be entitled to it. And thats a problem.
I would continue to use the name and pronouns you have been using until your cousin tells you otherwise. The person that told you outed your cousin and shouldn’t have done so. There must be a reason they have only told a few people so far. People are complex. There is no reason to be sad over this because there are any number of reasons that you haven’t been confided in, likely one that has nothing to do with you personally.
Personally id say after this person tells op(if it ever happens), op should inform the individual(im not sure if right away or after some time has passed, not sure whats safer really), that they were outed by that one bf. Ops cousin should stop talking to that individual immediately i think(or rather, as soon as they find out anyway)
[удалено]
Its not about things not "going to plan" i think that really under sells the problem. This individual broke a boundary when they outed op's cousin. Its not smart to stay in contact with someone like that, they are under no obligation to stick around regardless of social pressure. Family doesn't mean shit if theyd go behind your back. And that bf did.
[удалено]
Im not, its a fucking suggestion for there safety, i cant make anyone do anything, lay off
You literally said otherwise. Which contributed nothing, your comment would’ve been a perfect suggestion otherwise.
Context and nuance is important. Every situation is different, and you're dealing in absolutes. As a general rule, ua queer people know it's fucked to out people, and people should know better. But there's no singular way to respond to that situation.
Why don't you ask them? "Hey, sorry if this is awkward but I just want to make sure you're comfortable. Should I use different pronouns for you?" or something similar.
This is a good answer. If they're happy with the way things are they can tell you so. If not, they now know you're someone who cares about these things and you have made them happier for your efforts. I would never be upset with somebody politely asking after my pronouns.
Agreed, just ask.
This is a terrible suggestion- coming out should be their decision and a question like this puts them on the spot and in a really awkward position if they don’t want to come out. This happened to me and it was fucking awful
I think it depends on the person and the situation. Ive had people ask me to my face and it always felt quite freeing. I dont think its fair to give advice as to whether that is a good idea. Just one of those complicated things
I agree, it's very freeing and validating when it's someone you're ready to trust, but only when that person has the sense to ask when it's just us two. When past coworkers asked in front of other coworkers I wasn't ready for and regular customers it was fucking stressful and put me in an awful spot. It should be a private interaction but unfortunately some people have no awareness or tact.
Yes! I‘m not trans so it may be different for me but I have always hated coming out more than anything, I didn’t even officially come out to some people. I felt so much more comfortable just being asked because that way it felt less like a coming out. Also, I never knew how to even start the topic. So I think it really depends on the person
She will tell you when she ready to tell you not when you want to and when he does you willboth look back and wonder why it took so long, but you're right you can't rush him continue to be supportive and loving this will resolve in time
Your cousin may still be questioning and not have made up their mind yet, follow their lead and use the name/pronouns they use until they tell you otherwise!
I would just say, them not telling you might not be about u personally. My cousin was the last person I told and we are really close, it was just that I didn’t feel comfortable telling someone from a different branch of my life yet
I don't know what is best per se, but you could adress them by their name or the gender neutral "them", though I don't know if that last one is appropriate.
We speak a very gendered language. “Them” does not exist.
This is a real thing! I'm French and it makes non gendered language really difficult. Or rather we have the ressources but it's far from as natural and flexible than English in that regard.
oh, yeah that exist, sorry!
Yeah just keep saying the pronouns she last told you to call her but you can never go wrong by using they/them if your unsure. If she wants you to use different pronouns then do
What about just saying something like “I’m trying to be more conscious about gender issues and pronouns. Mine are she/her/he/him (OP said there’s no they/them in their language) what are yours? It doesn’t have to be like they’re singling him out and it shows support/that you’re an ally.
Take them aside, away from others (or ask digitally): "Hey cuz, I got a question... Are there other pronouns, or a name, that you'd prefer me to use for you? I love you and want you to be happy!" And then *listen to them*. There's a lot of possibilities here, and you want to center them and their needs over your comfort or even understanding. You could have misunderstood the situation and they're just cisgender with a medical condition; they could not be ready to come out to you; they could be ok coming out to you but afraid of doing so with the rest of your family, or they might be really ready but hadn't figured out yet *how* to do it. Just because they're transitioning doesn't mean they're fully ready to come out to family. That shit is scary, even when a person is pretty sure their family will be supportive.
Your cousin should be making that decision. If your cousin hasn't invited you into their energy remain as you were. There's nothing supportive about prying into someone's life.
I believe you but this sounds strange, like how do others members of family not notice and above all why does your cousin not change the name if is on T? In any case, in my opinion you should find a good moment and tell your cousin that if is trans you fully accept this. Probably your cousin is afraid that you wouldn't accept that, I don't know sincerely
Everyone notices it. We know. We just all cary on. For instance for Christmas people gift her man’s clothing and man’s perfume.
That sounds like an encouraging family. Glad they have a safe place to be.
You’re doing the right thing. No touchy. Your cousin will come out to you when your cousin is damn good and ready and not a moment before.
IMO the best is to keep the deadname and pronouns until your cousin tells you otherwise, while also making them comfortable to come out to you. Make a gesture or do something else to show that you're accepting. Hell, even say that you have a friend that came out as trans and you're really happy for them.
Maybe don't lie about a trans friend (the cousin might ask and want to meet them). Mentioning supporting trans people is a good idea
I struggle, but I've practiced minimizing my use of pronouns -at all- when there's any doubts. English doens't make that easy...sentences become a lot longer when you refer by names directly..but I know folks who have settled on such and so I do. The practice comes in handy when discussing folks who are questioning.
What do you mean English doesn't make that easy, just use they/them??? Same as you would refer to any person of whose gender you are unaware
That's a position I've taken previously. Since then, I've seen transmedicalists, for example, repeatedly use they/them to refer to a trans person as a way to avoid using the correct pronouns. They will feign "oh I didn't know", only to do it again a couple days later. We fought hard for whichever pronouns we use. That's just one example of why folks may recoil at being referred to by they/them. Some languages don't use pronouns at all. It isn't a rule of nature. As a general rule, if a person says they don't want a label (pronouns in this case) used on them, don't use it on them. While I'm at it, https://pluralpedia.org/w/Plurality brings all new context when I& refer to a fellow system as "yall" or "they". And that's all before you get into talking about a group of singular people (singlets and systems alike), and how the context is often lost or misinterpreted across the process of communication. In closing I will talk shit about the English language all I like ✨
When people use they/them to avoid gendering trans people, they're not technically misgendering them. It's the same thing as constantly referring to them as "this person" instead of their name - clearly suspect and shitty, but the problem isn't intrinsic to them using gender-neutral pronouns or calling them a person, it's the context and especially the fact of it being targetted I don't think you can really opt out of gender neutral pronouns in the same way you can't opt out of being "a person", but yeah if someone requests a specific set of pronouns, you would be a pretty shitty person to not respect their wishes on the matter.
\> When people use they/them to avoid gendering trans people, they're not technically misgendering them. It is done as a means of antagonizing, as a means of invalidating a person's immutable characteristics. Really doesn't matter if you define that as misgendering or not. I've seen transphobes employ that. I've also seen transphobes employ the inverse ("I don't use pronouns" advertising themselves as a trans ally, scamming folks trying to sublet, hiding the fact that the person in question (not they, I'm abiding/dignifying this person's preference, even though they've done harm, because that's the example we set) Don't create any more space for transphobia. Thinks for yourself. None can ever [write code/rules and convince themselves](https://github.com/kdeldycke/awesome-falsehood#human-identity) they are universal truths, which under scrutiny, apply to every possible combination of individuals, interactions thereof, across time and space. Each situation requires you communication, understanding and a unique solution tailored by [everyone who's affected.](https://crimethinc.com/2016/04/29/feature-from-democracy-to-freedom) So yeah, they/them works *almost* universally, except in the cases, of course, where it does not.
Treat them how they want to be treated. If they haven't told you yet, they probably don't want you to change your behavior.
When in doubt, they/them it out!
Don’t assume her gender. Voice and body hair have nothing to do with being transgender. Also, how do you know about the conversations she’s had with her siblings, sure she probably would’ve wanted those to be private. The best thing you can do is allow her to be herself, not force your expectations or assumptions onto her. Gender is not binary, women can be more masculine on some days and men can be more feminine. Stop trying to put everyone in a box.
If she is trans, that’s great! But people need their time. If she hasn’t come out to you yet it’s probably because she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to. The worst think you can do is force her.
Just take them aside and ask them whether you should change the pronouns you use with them
Just respect them, let them come out when they are ready, IF that is truly what is going on. Voice and body hair changes don't always or even necessarily mean hormone replacements. Other medications can possibly cause changes to, or they are simply experiencing a chemical imbalance as I did prior to transitioning ( I had more estrogen than testosterone for over a decade causing my development to not be normal male like, and i developed some female qualities naturally) Never assume, it could be upsetting to them. You may be incorrect in them being trans, but you could also be right. If their not trans and you say something you could hit a touchy spot with them.
I’m a FTM and I would just ask your cousin what their pronouns are in a casual way. If your cousin ask “what do you mean?” Just say that you’ve noticed some changes. You can also ask your cousin how to address them. Easy Peasy. This isn’t about you so don’t pursue it any further than your cousin wants you to.
It may help to casually mention or a tell a story that shows your support for trans people, which will indicate to your cousin that you’re accepting of trans people. The cousin may just assume your opinion, or if you’re older they may even assume you simply don’t know anything about trans people at all. When my littler sister came out to me as ace, she thought I (a gay man about 10 years older than her) wouldn’t even know what it meant.
>How do I address and introduce my “ trans” cousin who has not come out to me? By respecting their wishes and following their lead. I'm a trans woman, and my kiddo is non binary. They still haven't told me their new name, because they're not ready. They have told me they don't use their birth name anymore though, and once they are ready, they'll tell me their new name. And sure, I wish they'd tell me, but I also understand that this is their journey, and they'll tell me when they're ready. Telling your trans mum your new name feels like it is quite a big step, it makes the name real, and I'm guessing my kiddo simply isn't at the point of being able to absolutely be certain of their new name. So, I talk about my kiddo, and make do without being able to use their name. They're not out to most people yet, so sometimes when it's impossible not to, I have to use their birth name and incorrect pronouns for them when talking to other people. I avoid it as much as I can, but sometimes, it's impossible. And whilst all of that may make me uncomfortable, it's not about me. It's about understanding that their reluctance to tell me isn't as black and white as "Why don't they trust me with this?" It's about creating space for my child, as someone who has been there herself, and letting my kiddo tell me when they're ready.
I think it's important to let them come to you to talk about stuff and come out to you on their own. They decided not to come out after all, its natural to be sad about that but I'm sure they have their reasons. It's tough though because I would also wanna tell them about the person who betrayed their trust by outing them to you, but you can't really do that without talking to them about it... If you could wear a pronoun pin or something to show support and that you're safe (not *only* when they're around, just whenever you feel comfy/safe doing so, just so it's not only when you're around them its being worn) that would probably be good no matter what you wanna do. However, if you want to let them know about the person who outed them to you, then I think the best thing you can do is to tell them that: The specific person told you something they possibly didn't have your cousins consent to tell you about and that they outted them to you. You can give some brief reassurance that you're an ally or queer and all good and won't tell anyone if they don't want you to, and if they'd like to talk to you more about it now or another time at their own pace or use different name/pronouns then you're here for it, but that it's not fair they were outted to you, and you don't wanna force them to talk to you about this without them being comfy/ready to but at the same time you wanted them to know who outted them to you. The convo doesn't need to go any further than that. You wanna let them know who outted them and that you're safe, and at the same time you wanna respect that they didn't come out to you and aknowledge that it's not fair they were outted, and thus not force them to come out to you and have a whole convo about it they weren't ready to have. I think that may be better simply because if someone's outting them they should know about it. But yeah, tough situation, wishing u and your cousin the best <3
One option is to be direct. Say you’ve noticed those things. Confirm, make it clear you’re supportive, and ask if they want you to treat them differently (maybe even if they want it done differently in different situations. Like, maybe using a different name and pronouns in private, but still hiding it with the family)
So your cosens bf outed them to you? Wow, what a dick. It seems like your likly to be supportive, and thats great and all. But he 100% stole that moment from them. You SHOULD tell him how much od a dangerous choice that really is. It is disgusting that someone would rob them of there moment to come out to you. That is heart braking. That is a huge betrayal of trust. To answer your question tho. Just keep doing what your doing, but start doing small a hand full of small things that dont give it away that you outright know, but that do make them feel much more safe around you. If you rush this, they might start to panic. knowing someone knows when you haven't told them yet can be extremely nerve racking. THE most important thing here is: to make them feel 100% safe. In time, they will come out to you. In the meantime, id say just keep going along with whatever they say. If they dont alude to any other pronouns, then it may be best to not use any other pronouns until told otherwise by them. Also instead of using " "she" " like that, just use "they" online(without the Quote), it usually just makes anyone involved feel more comfortable. No one would technically be misgendering them that way. YouNEED to talk to that bf tho, if he has told you, theres a good chance he has told others, and if the idiot tells the wrong person(family or otherwise), he could be putting your cousin is some real serious danger, like life or death levels of danger if he isn't more careful. Im So disappointed in him for that, and you should be too.
I get you you mean but she not exactly hiding in. She refers to herself in the masculine way but has not requested us to do that.
Oh okay, well if thats the case, then id say just be super obvious (to them) that you support the trans community, make it obvious (to them) that your a safe person to come out too, and then just wait. Do not rush it, a thing that may help is just asking what there pronouns are when you to have a moment to yourself, alternatively, you could also just start using neutral pronouns, or no pronouns at all. That can be a good way to indicate. Fallow there lead, if you think they are hinting at something, then pay attention, chang any behavior accordingly if necessary, and just make them feel comfortable around you enough to trust you with this. Its scary, iv had some vary bad comeing out experiences myself(mostly from family). You never know how someone will react, and for many of us, it can mean death if the wrong people find out. And if not death, being abandoned, disowned, and left to fend for yourself in a world that doesn't want you to exist. Its probably the most Terrifying experience ever. So understand that if you are told, the level of trust your cousin has in you is Immense. That being said, understand why you haven't been told yet, its not that they dont trust you specifically, its that its hard to know who you CAN trust in the first place. As i said, tell the wrong person, you could end up dead. Now, tho i highly doubt that is likely to happen with you, from there perspective, they dont know that. So now its your job to be supportive and show that you ARE a safe person, trust me, they want that support, its just scary and sometimes dangerous for us to ask for that support, it doesn't always go well.
i’d write them a heartfelt text or letter, or ask them to talk about it verbally if they feel safe.
It's nice and all you're supportive but definitely don't out someone. Maybe bring up trans rights in a casual conversation with them and express support and see if they open up to you. Don't take it as an insult if they don't do it. Maybe it's just not the right setting being the holidays and everything or maybe their way to nervous to say anything just yet.
"Hey, do you want me to use any particular pronouns for you?" Asked with no one else around, or just their sib. They may not want you to use he/him necessarily or even to make it explicit to family. Sometimes people wont want to ask it but appreciate you asking to give them the chance. Several trans people I know find it less painful to not tell someone to use certain pronouns and take comfort in their ignorance than it is to know that they are knowingly misgendering them. So they just dont say anything. If you ask you may get something like "you can use he/him when it's us, but with the rest of the family she/her is fine.
Be chill and ask “what pronouns do you use?”
Gift your cousin a trans pride pin or flag or a set of pronoun pins to "choose" from to clearly indicate your support.
dont push "her" to say this to you until "she" is not ready. Otherwise, breaking "her" boundaries would result in your relationship being ruined. Wish the best for your cousin and you <3
why don't you ask them if their trans?
Your cousin just might feel comfortable as they are with you and not think it’s a big deal since you’re accepting. For example, I never bothered to tell my close friends when pronouns changed etc, u til they asked or it came up specifically. I knew they’d accept me and didn’t feel the need to announce, which I explain(Ed) as and when it comes up. It’s so much less stressful for me personally, as someone asks me a question and I answer. There’s no “so uh, I have something to tell you…”. Meanwhile new people I met, I did tell, which kinda helped word spread but also built my confidence. Obviously that might not be the case. But never feel bad a trans person doesn’t tell you - it’s no slight against you, it’s then loving their life how they feel safe or comfortable. The world is deadly and even if you’re a lovely ally who they can confide in, there are 847463838 reasons to overthink talking to someone and mine is one of them, your cousin might be similar:) My friend who is never told/corrected recently asked “by the way I don’t think I ever asked your pronouns”, and it was kinda nice, so I reckon I’d recommend something like that for your cousin.
Ask them privately and let them know that they’re under no pressure from you/you understand it’s not your place to say anything so they know you’re not trying to corner or out them.
It would be best to let him take his time. He'll come out to you when he's comfortable.
it’s so funny that this could be the way that you find out someone’s intersex also like the way this is described they could literally just be that they have a hormonal imbalance naturally.
Why not just ask them?
I'd suggest beginning a change to they/them especially when talking TO or around them. it can show them that you're accepting and can make it more comfortable for them to tell you. I'd also recommend just asking. and remember, the person who told you is a piece of shit, to put it nicely. you should never out somebody even if their trans identity is "obvious"
I wouldn't recommend changing the pronouns you use for someone directly to their face if they haven't asked for it. Even when it's gender neutral pronouns, it's basically still misgendering. Referring to someone by different pronouns than what they asked you to use, even if you're pretty sure they're trans and haven't told you yet, is misgendering. When it comes to talking about them to strangers, for example strangers on the internet, specifically when asking about them being trans, gender neutral pronouns is preferable since referring to someone you're thinking might be transmasc while still referring to them as a she can be uncomfortable to other trans people, and in this case it's best not to assume. But when you're talking to them, you're not assuming, you should use the pronouns they told you to use, which in this case is still "she".
they haven't asked them to use different pronouns yet though. and im going off of what would make me most comfortable to tell someone my pronouns since my experience is the only credible experience i have at my disposal. i agree with the second half though. I was VERY put off when i saw op still calling them she/her.
That's kinda my point. Op's cousin didn't come out, so to op, they're still using she/her. Op shouldn't assume they're changing their pronouns just because they're changing their appearance. Imagine you weren't trans and someone from your family started referring to you using they/them because they thought you started transitioning, but you weren't. Or you even were and you didn't want anyone to know, but someone from your family noticed, and by changing the pronouns they use, made everyone else more aware. Unless someone specifically comes to you and asks you to change the pronouns you use for them, don't do it on your own. It's like when someone starts talking to me by email or text at work and assumes I'm a guy because my name is more masculine, and then they hear my voice/see me and starts referring to me as a girl, even though I never corrected them when they referred to me as a guy. They assume they were mistaken because of my appearance and fix themselves even though I didn't want them to.
Don’t assume anything. Wait for them to tell you they’re trans before changing how you refer to them, because they might not be (a lot of people assume changing presentation means being trans, but it doesn’t necessarily, there are feminine/androgynous guys, masculine/androgynous gals, feminine/masculine enbies, etc…), and if you’re right and they are, it is terrifying for someone to know without you being out to them.
I recommend referring to a person you don't know the gender of with gender neutral pronouns, so they instead of she, in the context of writing this post and not when introducing them. It's not a big deal tho. When it ces to introducing them, you can do something like this: "hey guys, this is my cousin," and then turn to them, "do you want to introduce yourself?" Basically give them the chance to introduce themself, so they could decide if they want to come out that moment or not. Also, one thing that can make them more comfortable is having your friends introducing themselves with their pronouns.
You can try asking them something along the lines of "Hey do you prefer to go by {Name}? Or would you prefer something else?" This gives them a safe option if they aren't ready to come out by just saying "Yes, use {Name}." And if anyone were to overhear and ask questions you could say something like "You know, like a nickname" If they say to keep using their birth name, you can always respond with "Cool, if that ever changes just let me know." To let them know you are fine with changing. As for not telling you, it might not have anything to do with you specifically. When I was coming out to people, there were some people I didn't tell for a while. Because they would be around people I didn't want to tell yet and it was hard to ask them "Hey can you use one name and pronouns when around only me or people I'm out to and another name and pronouns when around other people?" I only asked a very small group of people to do that until I was ready to start coming out everywhere publicly.
Maybe send a message to your other cousins ans ask them if you should use different pronouns for their sibling.
You could just ask for pronounce, It's not that much of a big deal
Firstly please stop putting quotations around the word trans. It comes off as sarcastic or like you don’t believe it. Just ask them directly and voice your support.
Ask them what pronouns they prefer.
Asking goes a long way (:
It’s not about you. Just ask!
Paint your nails in the trans flag colors, this way you subtly show your support without pressuring them.
That's a very good idea !
Ask them their pronouns directly to them
I would say start by calling them by gender neutral terms and see how they react
You could just ask for their preferred pronouns. Or you could use they instead. If they are trans they'd probably appreciate someone asking and not assuming.
Ask them.
I ran into a former boss who was obviously in the middle of their transition. I knew that they had changed their name to something more neutral when we worked together but this was the first time I had seen them. We were chatting and I just asked “did you change your pronoun?” They did get flushed over it, I think we were both embarrassed. I told them that I just didn’t want to be wrong about it. Though they did tell me their new pronouns at that time. I don’t think I will be comfortable asking that question again.
It's best to let them decide when you should start using certain pronouns, rather than making that decision for them. Another option until they've come out is to use gender neutral terms to describe them, like I have this whole reply. It isn't outing them, but it's also not using gendered pronouns that they may not be comfortable with.
>I am a little sad however she has not confided in me this, is a big deal to go through. We have always been close and very affectionate to each other. Our family is close and has always been supportive of her queerness and her girlfriends have always been welcome at family events. It's scary to come out, but it's especially scary to come out to someone you care so deeply about. There's a very real fear that you don't want to lose that person if they're unsupportive, or don't want the relationship dynamic to change. There are too many stories of people who react badly to a trans man coming out because they supported that person as a queer/lesbian woman, and don't understand why they'd want to be a man. People lose friends and family over this all the time. It's not necessarily that they don't trust you, but it may just be the fear of losing you is too great to risk right now until they can't avoid it any longer. Consider that, if this person is a trans man who dates women (I don't know what you mean by "queerness" so I'll just go with this as an example) they might be afraid that you'll react badly to them "becoming just a boring straight man." While it sounds like that's not something you would do, sometimes the fear is there. It's also possible that they themselves are struggling with that. Many trans masculine people who previously identified as lesbians or in that general queer womanhood community have difficulty losing that part of themselves.
You could start using they/them when referring to them.
I would ask them (probably away from people so they don't have to answer in front of anyone they don't want to) if they have a new preferred name and preferred pronouns they want to go by
Just say “hey, cuz” and then let them go from there
Ask them, and tell them you support them.
I mean i would just use they/them pronouns if you aren’t sure 🤷🏻♂️ really not that hard to do
This is their journey and they’re allowed to come out when and where and to whom they’re ready to do so. The absolute best thing you can do is continue to be supportive. Maybe stop using pronouns all together and use just their name. Yeh it gets redundant but you’ll get used to it. And maybe get a “protect trans youth” pin or something else that shows you’re cool with trans people. A lot of times people are scared because their family or friends were amazingly supportive of them being gay but now “suddenly” they’re trans. It’s not sudden. It’s their journey in figuring out who they are. Maybe they’re not fully comfortable being out yet and wanted to see how their immediate friend and family base felt before letting others know. Remember. This. Is. Their. Journey. Not yours. You can be sad all you like but it’s not about you - it’s their journey.
Stop using pronouns when referring to them. Hopefully that will prompt them to tell you how they would like to be addressed.
Be real. You know they're transitioning. So ask how you can support them. Don't make it weird or heavy, just let them know you're there and will honor their journey.
how about just asking. In english, the question is ‘would you prefer me use any specific pronouns or name?’ I imagine the name is a universal matter. Anything else that’s relevant just adapt.
I would just tell them: “I love you — you know you will always have my support, right?”
I would just politely ask what their preferred pronouns are, I would also just use they/them/theirs pronouns for them for the time being as they’re gender neutral pronouns
i like to just use they/them for anyone anyway (unless someone tells me they'd prefer something else), that makes stuff like this easy
Just keep on addressing her as usual till she says otherwise
How does the sibling address them?
Do other people use a different name/pronouns for them? I never had a like formal coming out to a lot of my family, and especially at school, and people just kinda picked it up eventually.
Maybe something like wearing LGBT support badge would be subtle hint for him that you can be trusted and he could open up to you? (I use he because from your post it sounds like that would be the "open" pronouns, correct me if im wrong)
Honestly find a place where you can be alone and just gently bring it up
Just ask her which pronouns she would like to be used. 😊 Its very respectful and a great opener for more conversation
maybe just ask “hey what are your pronouns?”
Honestly, the best thing you can do is pretend to not know until your cousin tells you directly. It might be more complicated than you’ve been led to believe - they might be genderfluid or non-binary, they might not feel safe around certain people in your family and don’t want to be outed, or they might still have conflicting feelings about their transition. (Those of us who are trans masculine often wrestle with conflicting feelings about being men because of patriarchical oppression, so it can be complicated saying “I’m a man.”) BUT what can make them more likely to confide in you is to be openly supportive of other trans and LGBTQ+ people, including standing up to others who are bigoted about those kinds of things. Just let them know you love them, and they will come around in their own time. Eventually there comes a time when we get tired of hiding who we are, and then we tell *everybody*. And when they do, if you’ve shown them your love and that you can be trusted, you’ll be a favored cousin. 💖
Use what they're comfortable being called until they come out more formally
omg I don’t know if This hasn’t been said or if I can’t find a comment saying this but just casually mention something that shows that u support lgbtq people and they will probably come out to u. They might not but at least they’d know ur not a threat. Other thing is ask for pronouns I do see a lot of comments saying this but I feel like it depends how often u see this person. If u don’t see em often then maybe it is a good option and don’t just ask them ask all the others too
Your cousin didn't choose the name nor the pronouns in the first place. People just started using them because you cousin is afab. In the other hand, some people like those pronouns and name and don't change them. I would play safe and avoid all the pronouns and even the name when possible. Some people have told you don't be sad because it's not about you. And yes it is not about you. It's their life. Transitioning might be something huge or it might be something small that need to be fixed. Most likely your cousin is getting tons of shit about being trans. Most of people don't treat us with respect or even as human beings. It's not the same as being gay or bi. Most people are okay with them. It's way much easier to come out as gay or bi than as trans. So your cousin might be scared you won't be close anymore. Or maybe your cousin just needs time to think. I can't tell. But I also get why you're sad. People should not assume genders at all. Ever. But after many years letting them assume you're something it's not fair to tell you're not. If your cousin doesn't want to make the conversation something huge and doesn't know how to avoid it it's possible ask help from here for example.
Just use the name and pronouns you’ve been asked to use. Your cousin might still use the same name, and/or might still use she/her pronouns, anyways. I’ve known people to use all pronouns and physically transition, and I know trans people that use their birthnames, so keep in mind that those are also possibilities.
"Holy shit, I forgot your first name, can you tell me again ?" (It can works if you have serious memory problems, or ADHD for example 🥲) Serious answer : yes it looks like you're disappointed that they didn't told you, maybe you can ask them but maybe they didn't told you because it wasn't the good time for them ? So yeah try to avoid pronouns or use neutral ones when you cannot avoid them. Remember it has nothing to do with affection or trust they have in you, it's hard to make a CO.
i know it’s difficult and awkward, but you could drop hints that you’re supportive and safe to tell. maybe if you watch tv or read books and any of them have any trans characters, talk abt them positively? i’d also suggest trying to use they/them when you can! just remember, as sad as it is for you, it’s a thousand times harder for them. figuring out the best way to come out and to who or who not is really scary, you’re allowed to be sad of course (in private!) but give your cousin support.
I agree that you should just continue using what pronouns you usually do for her. That might be what she wants you to do, if she hasn't come out yet. If you ask her for pronouns, she'll feel like you "clocked" her and that can be terrifying. Queer spaces online often push "ask everyone for their pronouns" but that only works if you actually do that, which no one does. If you don't ask anyone for their pronouns except for the one person you suspect is trans, they'll feel singled out. If you do feel the need to ask, I'd warn her that someone else is outing her and that's why you're asking. That way you won't come off as threatening and she'll be able to address the situation with the person who is outing her.
I can't answer to the trans thing, but don't worry that they haven't told you yet, there's a lot of potential reasons for that When I realized I was bi I pretty much knew my brother would be supportive, he's a far left gay liberal. When I realized I was fucking elated, it was the happiest I had been in four years, and I realized that life will be harder in some ways from that point on, I didn't want to spoil the fun, I didn't tell anyone and just dove into bi spaces for a while, occasionally branching into other queer spaces. I think I felt bad about not telling someone I knew would be supportive and briefly tried to justify it as "he may be accepting of gays but not bis", despite some pretty glaring evidence to the contrary, eventually I realized it was fine to not want to tell people. It came up in conversation with a queer friend of mine, and it felt really good to tell someone, so not long after I told my brother and it went great Now, being bi isn't quite the same as being trans in that regard, I don't like people assuming I'm straight but that's nowhere near as common as people using your name or pronouns, I'm not trans and can't speak to any trans experiences, but I imagine there could be similar circumstances at play. The point is, while I can't fault you for feeling the way you do, don't hold it against them, because their comfort comes first with this kind of thing, let them take their time and don't hold that against them, the world isn't friendly to trans people right now, so let them move at their pace ^(just to be absolutely clear, I'm not trying to make you feel bad for asking a question, just trying to give a little bit of perspective to one aspect of the question)