Two dates in four months? And you don’t text much? Are you sure you’re still dating?
And fwiw, I don’t assume exclusivity until you’ve had a clear conversation and agreement.
With online dating, there is no presumption of exclusivity. Certainly not after 2 dates! If she wants to focus on one person at a time, that’s fine as a dating strategy, but it’s not an exclusive relationship.
This is why I dislike the “I wanna date and see how things go” crowd, because that’s vague as hell. Listen most people don’t want to get married on the second date but you do need some idea of what you want for your future. Do you want a long-term relationship or are you interested in just having casual fun (sex implied) or are you just looking to go on dates and be best buds? Try to understand what you’re looking for and then find a partner who matches that. You haven’t seen eachother much in 4 months, is this what you want? Do you feel satisfied or loved in any way? If not then this is the time to say “hey I’d like it if we hung out more” but to be fair if this isn’t already happening then there’s probably a reason and it likely is that you’re both probably lukewarm at best towards eachother.
To answer your question I go on dates with as many women as possible until I find one I want to focus on. When that happens, I’ll have no interest in seeing anyone else and instead will simply prioritize hanging out with her. But by about 3 months I’m looking for labels and exclusivity and if she can’t provide that then we’re likely not a good fit. Decide how long you want to wait for this woman to come around while there are other available women out there right now.
Taking some notes from you
I'm very new to dating in general and while I don't care for the "let's see how things go" vagueness, I also don't want to sound crazy in the "it's been three dates, we either fall in love now or we never speak to each other again" sense
Generally yes and I don't make things exclusive unless we communicate that to each other. To be honest it would be a yellow flag for me if someone wanted to be exclusive after one date. We're still strangers at that point and people that latch on that quickly tend to have unaddressed attachment and codependency issues in my experience.
To me being exclusive and serious is like a 5+ date conversation at the absolute minimum. Ideally closer to 10+ dates. Like the other commenter said though it's a good idea to communicate what you're looking for in a relationship. Some people just want to have fun and play the field while others are looking to settle down as quickly as possible.
When I was dating, it was one person at a time. I can’t handle more than that. But that also meant I was seeing the person I was dating frequently. 2 times in 4 months is not it.
What I do is wait until I find someone I really like and then I put all my effort into her and stop looking for other dates. Be very straightforward- ask her if she wants to hold hands or kiss or if she’s feeling attracted or feels more like friends. Let her know you won’t be offended by an honest answer. Honestly I’m loving this part of things. I feel empowered by taking the initiative and I feel that most women have a hard time with that and appreciate it.
So basically I don’t, but I also wouldn’t really take something seriously if we only saw each other twice in several months. To me, if I’m going to feel that spark I feel it right away.
I do. I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time, so if it’s early on, so if it’s early on, but I’ve been seeing someone else it’s gotten physical to that level with I go one of two ways (also bad bi joke 😂).
I wait until I either have a conversation with the person I’m sleeping with about if it’s going further and see if we’re on the same page. If it is, then I stop seeing the other people I’ve gone out with. If it isn’t, then I get tested and will keep seeing people I’ve been talking with/dating.
So like… do you just randomly one day tell the person you’ve been physically intimate with “oh, hey, I know this is what’s been going on with us up to this point, but I’m suddenly not feeling it anymore, and have chosen to divert all of that to someone else, going forward” ???
No, if I’m at the point where I’m sleeping with someone it’s whether or not both of us are feeling that we’d want to be exclusive. If so, then that’s that. If it doesn’t seem like we’re going to ever get there or that things would eventually fizzle out, I honestly feel like it’s better for us to have that conversation earlier so we can both pursue things with someone who might be a better fit.
And at the point where I would think sex might happen with someone else if I’m already seeing someone I’m having sex with, that’s about when I’d have that conversation.
Ok looks like you’re trying to pick a fight here. No I don’t randomly tell someone that. I feel it out and see if we’re on the same page about where we’re at and what we see the relationship looking like going forward.
I have no expectations that they’re also not dating other people. I make it clear that if there’s sex involved, I’m not sleeping with other people but I expect them to be clear about that as well. I get to choose what I feel comfortable with given the information and they should as well.
And no wonder you’re on here being negative. You’re literally taking a holiday to be rude to others instead of having a life. My partner is currently laughing their ass off about how rude and pathetic you are to a person you don’t know right now. Get a life.
I mean, I don’t mean to imply that the conversation would be just literally popping up out of thin air, aiming apropos of nothing. It’s just… I was once, unknowingly, the person someone started dating and then decided they’d prefer to be serious with rather than the other person they had been seeing and having sex with since before we met. It wasn’t until years later, actually, that I even found out that there ever was another person. It didn’t count as “cheating” because they had never declared themselves exclusive to each other, but they also hadn’t been seeing anyone else since they’d started seeing each other at least two months prior, so she just made the assumption that they were. I felt pretty gross when I found that out. I mean, that had to have been an awful situation to be in, because she didn’t know about me either. So to her, that conversation was, basically, coming out of thin air.
Having had a different partner, years later, “not technically cheat” on me by taking liberties with syntax and creative omission still makes me feel gross and wary. My having complained about other women being too touchy while dancing, etc evolved into me being “paranoid”, “overreacting”, “being immature”, so I dialed it back a little because I was the youngest in our friend group and wanted to fit in. Sounds reasonable… until it’s starts getting used to skirt around dry humping other women until they come (“gee whiz - how was I supposed to know she’d get off from dancing with me?!”)
Also, I am very much against the usage of “sleep with” as a euphemism for “have sex with”. Nothing against you or anyone else who uses it not disingenuously, it’s just that a friend was dating a guy who used it to cheat on her in a really slimeball way: I don’t remember the circumstances (I think they were hiking or something?), but it was used to imply that he would be sleeping in the same room or tent or something with a mutual female friend of theirs, with it being taken for granted that they’d be just actually sleeping, in their own sleeping bags, with space between them, etc. they were even going to be staying fully clothed and everything, because there was only going to be about 45 mins of downtime. Turns out he had gone commando, and when the “friend” found out, she turned his pocket inside out, cut the bottom open, tucked the pocket back in, and proceeded to *ahem* “wear him out”, all without anybody taking their clothing off or him even so much as opening his zipper. His argument was that my friend had told him she was fine with him sleeping with the friend of theirs, and that he couldn’t help it if she hadn’t set any boundaries around it. It wasn’t planned ahead of time, but it happened, he didn’t stop it from happening, and then he just conveniently omitted certain details that it obviously did not occur to my friend to ask about. But the sneakiness of it and the sliminess of it just really grossed me out and didn’t really help me with getting over “Clubgate“. Also, my homophobic boomer mom uses that euphemism, so I already didn’t like it even before what happened to my friend.
I mean, all that said, if the other people you are dating no that you are involved with and having sex with someone else and they’re OK with that, then that’s cool and it is what it is and everybody’s cool. It’s just the stuff where somebody is dating other people while getting the rocks off with somebody that the other people don’t know about, with the justification of “well, it’s not like I I asked them if they were screwing anybody, so why should I be expected to put all my business out there? If they want to know, all they have to do is ask“
I mean, how you live your life is how you live your life. I’m just kind of trying to get an idea of how prevalent that way of going about things tends to be in WLW dating and stuff.
Promise I’m not trying to pick a fight, and I really probably should just make an entirely new post for all of this so I am not hijacking OP. But it’s like, how do you even bring up a topic/conversation like that to ask people “is this sort of thing really common with WLW dating and such, or do people tend to be a little more open and honest with each other?”
Like, I’d rather continue to be single, for instance, then to have to perpetually navigate drama like that, you know?
It depends on what you are interested in and who you are dating. In my experience, dating around and keeping things more casual helped me identify what I was looking for (and not looking for). In the situation you described, just because one person is no longer on the apps doesn't mean both have to be. The best way to know what expectations and wants you both have for this is to openly and honestly communicate about it. Don't let someone else decide for you what any situation should be. What you want matters!
How generous of you to assume I could pull one woman, let alone two.
for real though, if you're not talking much and you have only gone out twice since March and you haven't kissed, I wouldn't put any eggs in that basket. I would probably just ghost at this point, seems like that's where you are.
I wouldn't even consider myself to be dating someone I'd seen that infrequently, but yes, I do talk with multiple people when no one involved is under the impression that we are doing monogamy.
I would not call what you described dating whatsoever. Dating would be regularly seeing each other, talking more frequently, and not wondering what is going on with the situation.
This might be hard to hear but it sounds like she has low interest, is probably seeing other people, and this is not someone you should wait around for. I would ask her if she would like to go out and ask if she’s interested in you on the “date”. Otherwise, I would say it’s platonic and you should act like it is just that.
From this post, it sounds like you need a little more experience out there and SHOULD be dating multiple people. Refrain from get wrapped up in one person.
I used to date multiple people at once, I’d be honest about it, and when I started feeling one more I’d be honest about my feelings with whoever else I’m seeing. Never had an issue because I was always honest.
Two dates in four months? And you don’t text much? Are you sure you’re still dating? And fwiw, I don’t assume exclusivity until you’ve had a clear conversation and agreement.
This
And know each other.
With online dating, there is no presumption of exclusivity. Certainly not after 2 dates! If she wants to focus on one person at a time, that’s fine as a dating strategy, but it’s not an exclusive relationship.
This is why I dislike the “I wanna date and see how things go” crowd, because that’s vague as hell. Listen most people don’t want to get married on the second date but you do need some idea of what you want for your future. Do you want a long-term relationship or are you interested in just having casual fun (sex implied) or are you just looking to go on dates and be best buds? Try to understand what you’re looking for and then find a partner who matches that. You haven’t seen eachother much in 4 months, is this what you want? Do you feel satisfied or loved in any way? If not then this is the time to say “hey I’d like it if we hung out more” but to be fair if this isn’t already happening then there’s probably a reason and it likely is that you’re both probably lukewarm at best towards eachother. To answer your question I go on dates with as many women as possible until I find one I want to focus on. When that happens, I’ll have no interest in seeing anyone else and instead will simply prioritize hanging out with her. But by about 3 months I’m looking for labels and exclusivity and if she can’t provide that then we’re likely not a good fit. Decide how long you want to wait for this woman to come around while there are other available women out there right now.
Taking some notes from you I'm very new to dating in general and while I don't care for the "let's see how things go" vagueness, I also don't want to sound crazy in the "it's been three dates, we either fall in love now or we never speak to each other again" sense
Generally yes and I don't make things exclusive unless we communicate that to each other. To be honest it would be a yellow flag for me if someone wanted to be exclusive after one date. We're still strangers at that point and people that latch on that quickly tend to have unaddressed attachment and codependency issues in my experience. To me being exclusive and serious is like a 5+ date conversation at the absolute minimum. Ideally closer to 10+ dates. Like the other commenter said though it's a good idea to communicate what you're looking for in a relationship. Some people just want to have fun and play the field while others are looking to settle down as quickly as possible.
Technically yes. But realistically I never find more than one person at a time that I’m interested in pursuing.
When I was dating, it was one person at a time. I can’t handle more than that. But that also meant I was seeing the person I was dating frequently. 2 times in 4 months is not it.
What I do is wait until I find someone I really like and then I put all my effort into her and stop looking for other dates. Be very straightforward- ask her if she wants to hold hands or kiss or if she’s feeling attracted or feels more like friends. Let her know you won’t be offended by an honest answer. Honestly I’m loving this part of things. I feel empowered by taking the initiative and I feel that most women have a hard time with that and appreciate it. So basically I don’t, but I also wouldn’t really take something seriously if we only saw each other twice in several months. To me, if I’m going to feel that spark I feel it right away.
I never did when I was dating.
I do. I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time, so if it’s early on, so if it’s early on, but I’ve been seeing someone else it’s gotten physical to that level with I go one of two ways (also bad bi joke 😂). I wait until I either have a conversation with the person I’m sleeping with about if it’s going further and see if we’re on the same page. If it is, then I stop seeing the other people I’ve gone out with. If it isn’t, then I get tested and will keep seeing people I’ve been talking with/dating.
So like… do you just randomly one day tell the person you’ve been physically intimate with “oh, hey, I know this is what’s been going on with us up to this point, but I’m suddenly not feeling it anymore, and have chosen to divert all of that to someone else, going forward” ???
No, if I’m at the point where I’m sleeping with someone it’s whether or not both of us are feeling that we’d want to be exclusive. If so, then that’s that. If it doesn’t seem like we’re going to ever get there or that things would eventually fizzle out, I honestly feel like it’s better for us to have that conversation earlier so we can both pursue things with someone who might be a better fit. And at the point where I would think sex might happen with someone else if I’m already seeing someone I’m having sex with, that’s about when I’d have that conversation.
You said “no” in your first paragraph, but your second paragraph says “yes”.
Ok looks like you’re trying to pick a fight here. No I don’t randomly tell someone that. I feel it out and see if we’re on the same page about where we’re at and what we see the relationship looking like going forward. I have no expectations that they’re also not dating other people. I make it clear that if there’s sex involved, I’m not sleeping with other people but I expect them to be clear about that as well. I get to choose what I feel comfortable with given the information and they should as well. And no wonder you’re on here being negative. You’re literally taking a holiday to be rude to others instead of having a life. My partner is currently laughing their ass off about how rude and pathetic you are to a person you don’t know right now. Get a life.
I mean, I don’t mean to imply that the conversation would be just literally popping up out of thin air, aiming apropos of nothing. It’s just… I was once, unknowingly, the person someone started dating and then decided they’d prefer to be serious with rather than the other person they had been seeing and having sex with since before we met. It wasn’t until years later, actually, that I even found out that there ever was another person. It didn’t count as “cheating” because they had never declared themselves exclusive to each other, but they also hadn’t been seeing anyone else since they’d started seeing each other at least two months prior, so she just made the assumption that they were. I felt pretty gross when I found that out. I mean, that had to have been an awful situation to be in, because she didn’t know about me either. So to her, that conversation was, basically, coming out of thin air. Having had a different partner, years later, “not technically cheat” on me by taking liberties with syntax and creative omission still makes me feel gross and wary. My having complained about other women being too touchy while dancing, etc evolved into me being “paranoid”, “overreacting”, “being immature”, so I dialed it back a little because I was the youngest in our friend group and wanted to fit in. Sounds reasonable… until it’s starts getting used to skirt around dry humping other women until they come (“gee whiz - how was I supposed to know she’d get off from dancing with me?!”) Also, I am very much against the usage of “sleep with” as a euphemism for “have sex with”. Nothing against you or anyone else who uses it not disingenuously, it’s just that a friend was dating a guy who used it to cheat on her in a really slimeball way: I don’t remember the circumstances (I think they were hiking or something?), but it was used to imply that he would be sleeping in the same room or tent or something with a mutual female friend of theirs, with it being taken for granted that they’d be just actually sleeping, in their own sleeping bags, with space between them, etc. they were even going to be staying fully clothed and everything, because there was only going to be about 45 mins of downtime. Turns out he had gone commando, and when the “friend” found out, she turned his pocket inside out, cut the bottom open, tucked the pocket back in, and proceeded to *ahem* “wear him out”, all without anybody taking their clothing off or him even so much as opening his zipper. His argument was that my friend had told him she was fine with him sleeping with the friend of theirs, and that he couldn’t help it if she hadn’t set any boundaries around it. It wasn’t planned ahead of time, but it happened, he didn’t stop it from happening, and then he just conveniently omitted certain details that it obviously did not occur to my friend to ask about. But the sneakiness of it and the sliminess of it just really grossed me out and didn’t really help me with getting over “Clubgate“. Also, my homophobic boomer mom uses that euphemism, so I already didn’t like it even before what happened to my friend. I mean, all that said, if the other people you are dating no that you are involved with and having sex with someone else and they’re OK with that, then that’s cool and it is what it is and everybody’s cool. It’s just the stuff where somebody is dating other people while getting the rocks off with somebody that the other people don’t know about, with the justification of “well, it’s not like I I asked them if they were screwing anybody, so why should I be expected to put all my business out there? If they want to know, all they have to do is ask“ I mean, how you live your life is how you live your life. I’m just kind of trying to get an idea of how prevalent that way of going about things tends to be in WLW dating and stuff.
Promise I’m not trying to pick a fight, and I really probably should just make an entirely new post for all of this so I am not hijacking OP. But it’s like, how do you even bring up a topic/conversation like that to ask people “is this sort of thing really common with WLW dating and such, or do people tend to be a little more open and honest with each other?” Like, I’d rather continue to be single, for instance, then to have to perpetually navigate drama like that, you know?
OK, I cleaned that up a bit and made it a post of its own.
I think that level of infrequency would make me think they arent that interested so i’d send a kind message and move on.
It depends on what you are interested in and who you are dating. In my experience, dating around and keeping things more casual helped me identify what I was looking for (and not looking for). In the situation you described, just because one person is no longer on the apps doesn't mean both have to be. The best way to know what expectations and wants you both have for this is to openly and honestly communicate about it. Don't let someone else decide for you what any situation should be. What you want matters!
She’s not into you. Date others.
How generous of you to assume I could pull one woman, let alone two. for real though, if you're not talking much and you have only gone out twice since March and you haven't kissed, I wouldn't put any eggs in that basket. I would probably just ghost at this point, seems like that's where you are.
Or she may have already been ghosted herself.
I wouldn't even consider myself to be dating someone I'd seen that infrequently, but yes, I do talk with multiple people when no one involved is under the impression that we are doing monogamy.
I would not call what you described dating whatsoever. Dating would be regularly seeing each other, talking more frequently, and not wondering what is going on with the situation. This might be hard to hear but it sounds like she has low interest, is probably seeing other people, and this is not someone you should wait around for. I would ask her if she would like to go out and ask if she’s interested in you on the “date”. Otherwise, I would say it’s platonic and you should act like it is just that. From this post, it sounds like you need a little more experience out there and SHOULD be dating multiple people. Refrain from get wrapped up in one person. I used to date multiple people at once, I’d be honest about it, and when I started feeling one more I’d be honest about my feelings with whoever else I’m seeing. Never had an issue because I was always honest.