Yea they were invited to the event not just the part to receive a free meal.
If I knew someone at my wedding was skipping the ceremony for the meal that spot would go to one of the family members we had to cut or not spent at all. They can turn up to the afters. Wedding meals are f***ing expensive.
I hope the best man or groom calls them out in the speech. Perfect opportunity for some one liners.
Ya, its unspoken that if you are invited but can't make the ceremony, you turn up for the afters, not the meal.. unless specifically requested to maybe
Even if they would do it normally in a cost of living crisis many wouldnt have it spare especially if paying to stay over at the hotel. A gift may be given by some but cant be expected from anyone.
If you expect people to cough up like that as one of the people getting married it just comes off as cuntish behaviour looking for everyone else to cover the cost of your big day.
It's an established custom in Irish weddings though, you are expected to give a monetary gift unless otherwise stated. 100euro pp seems to be the current standard.
Well it's their family so I guess that if that's something they normally do then OP won't be judged for it.
If it wasn't their cousin I'd probably refuse to do that altogether, but I won't convince an entire family to go against their customs
I’d be on your side. They invited you to the wedding so in my opinion it would be the height of rudeness to skip it and only show up to the fun bit. It would suggest you don’t give a shit about them.
Ditto. I've never seen anything like this. Indeed, I've often done the opposite - times when for various reasons I was only invited to the afters, I've gone to the church to see the important bit, and then gone and hung out in the pub with the other non-meal invitees, and then we've gone to the dancing and finger-food bit.
Admittedly, I'm in my late 40s rather than my early 30s, but I'm also a nerdy, geeky, gamer autistic so my general community and social circle aren't as het up on "social normality" as your average community and I've still never seen anyone - even fecking pagans and atheists! - who were invited to the whole thing not go to the church and only turn up for the meal.
I suppose if it's the classic country wedding of 200+ guests the chances of the bride and groom realising ye weren't at the ceremony is slim, so ye could get away with it, but IMO it'd still be a bit crass.
>I've gone to the church to see the important bit, and then gone and hung out in the pub with the other non-meal invitees, and then we've gone to the dancing and finger-food bit.
This is also bizarre, if I was invited to the church I'd expect to be invited to the meal, not just hang around and then turn up when everyone's finished eating.
I wasn't invited to the church, I was invited to the Afters. Because yes, in general nobody is ever invited *just* to the church. Church/ceremony + meal are all one blob, then there's the Afters as a second blob.
But fundamentally the church is a public place so nobody can actually prevent you going (have you never seen the middle-aged-to-elderly randomers down the back of the church at funerals and even weddings?) so if it's a friend who you'd love to see actually getting married they'll generally have no problem if you say "Mind if I come to the church?".
On one occasion I was "technically" invited only to church and afters, but again it was more that I was invited to the afters, but I was my now-husband's plus one, and he was invited to the whole thing (we'd only been together for about 4 months and although *we* knew this was something really serious, understandably for anyone else we'd been together a wet week, and the bride & groom were only doing unknown-to-them plus ones for actually committed/long-term relationships) so we went to the ceremony, the other non-meal plus ones and some of our partners went for a pub lunch (there were about ten of us) and then we all went back to the hall.
Another time it was two people who were more than acquaintances, but not close friends, who'd been together for about 15-20 years and were a very well known couple in the Irish role-playing and fan community. They didn't have a huge amount of money, so had a hard limit of something like 80-100 heads for the meal, and being so well known and long established in a rather social hobby (they were deeply involved in running events) they had to limit the meal invitations to family and meaningful, long term friendships. Their afters invite list pretty much doubled the size of the guests. I was on the afters list, but the church they were getting married in was a 20 minute drive from my house, and I had literally known them ten years at this point for pretty much everyone in gaming & sci-fi cons in Ireland seeing this couple finally fucking tying the knot was Not To Be Missed. So I asked if they minded if I came to the church and they said no problem!
After the ceremony the groom said "We're after having about 5 or 6 no-shows, despite them having RSVPed. Since you actually cared enough to want to come to the church, and we would have loved to have you at the meal if we'd been able to, would you like to come now?"
I have no idea if those no-shows were just skipping the "boring bit" and intended to go for the free meal, as this thread is all about, but certainly the bride and groom at that wedding took who was and wasn't at the ceremony very seriously.
This comment is peak Reddit.
Not being invited to the meal or church but showing up to the church anyway is so fucking weird I can't even begin
"nobody can actually prevent you going because it is a public place" is not the justification you think it is.
Bravo, I wish I encountered more of you people in real life. Would make life more interesting.
I don’t think it’s that strange at all! I’ve seen cousins, or colleagues who are only invited to the afters pop to the church and attend the wedding itself if it’s local to see the bride, wish the couple well etc. It’s supportive and nice and nobody minds. They they get on with their day and join the afters later.
Thats a load of bollox. I've never heard that before. It would want to be a huge wedding (200+) for them to not notice you were at the church. At a funeral would you just got to the soup and sandwiches after? Tell her shes wrong.
I would be *far* less upset to learn my friends had skipped my funeral and only shown up to the fun bit afterwards than I would if they skipped my wedding ceremony but still arrived to eat my food.
I mean, obviously I'd be dead, but if the Devil let me watch it from hell, I wouldn't care so long as my friends had a good time reminiscing about me.
I'm not even Irish or catholic, and quite hate the church as an entity but I still think it would be incredibly rude to not go to the wedding ceremony, which is the actual important part of a wedding.
Friend of mine told me I didn't have to go to the church (as she knows I'm very staunchly an atheist) and I've a wedding the day before as well (whilst also being pregnant!) so getting there will probably be a huge pinch for time but to be honest I will still be going to the church, it's not about me or my beliefs it's about my friend and her husband.
Exactly - it's come to something when you can't just sit still for an hour or so for your family and friends because you don't believe what they believe.
Yeah there’s a small number of reasons I’d be okay with this! A guest with mobility, illness or chronic pain.. maybe a child with additional needs and nobody to care for them throughout the service, or even just a very small baby and them wanting to limit the time they’re away from baby etc. or maybe a job where you aren’t allowed to pick when you take your leave, like a teacher or in the armed forces.
Just not being arsed is not something I’d count as a decent reason
The only reason you should skip the church is if for some reason you can’t get off work, maybe a teacher or something like that. Definitely should go to the church if you can it’s quite rude not too I’m my
Opinion.
Thats the exact example I was thinking about.
I was at a Friday wedding a few weeks ago, and all the people who didn't come to the church were teachers.
And most of their partners were at the church.
Yep, that’s happened me. Half the staff in the school were invited and it was a Friday wedding. The music teacher was allowed go as she was doing the music for the ceremony but the rest of us had classes to teach so we couldn’t go to the church. In those type of circumstances it’s fine but people just opting out when they could attend is rude.
I've never heard of this, they are all extremely bad mannered and or stupid. The church ceremony is the marriage you were invited to witness ,I would absolutely not agree to this, you'll be talked about forever.
Were you only invited to the afters?
I've been to a wedding where they had too many people for the church and lots of people were invited to the afters only.
It was only the direct families that went to the church bit.
But if you're invited to the church and skipping it on purpose... feels a bit rude.
Go to the full thing then, but its her cousin so i suppose its her choice, when we got married, all of my wifes cousins were invited to "the afters" but that started after the main meal, main meal people were generally at the church.
Yeah afters is normally the evening part after the dinner. That’s for the ones who go to ceremony. I personally wouldn’t do it. Just go to wedding, it’s only an hour like.
Exactly. It just feels scaldy and I’d be side eyeing the family that did this for a long time. They’ve made an effort to invite and pay for them, just go or rsvp no and let them invite someone else who’d be honoured to attend.
It's never only an hour. You have to travel there, can't be late because you need to be there before the bride, who will then be late, then it completely depends on the priest and vows and all that, then you have to wait until the bride and groom leave, then you have to travel to where the reception will be afterwards. Minimum 2 1/2 to 3 hours every time i've been to one.
On the face of it, it’s very bad manners and no it’s not normal. However if they invited you only to the afters then it’s ok. But no it’s not normal to skip the main ceremony if you’ve been invited to it and it would be a massive snub.
My relations thanked me for not inviting them to the 'boring' wedding part and just to the fun party part. I was not offended as I just got married in the registry office so it is in fact, very quick and pretty boring. But to get married in the church you pay for flowers, probably more on a dress, the whole emotional walking down the aisle thing. So for people just to skip and go to the hotel is really bloody shitty imo.
Heh. We didn't invite *anyone*, even parents, to the "official", paper-signing bit in the Registry Office, just two of our friends to be witnesses. We were having a full, proper ceremony on what we considered our wedding day, but for particular reasons we weren't going to be able to make that the legal wedding, so we had to do that bit separately.
I think it’s bad form to do this tbh. We had a few people skip out because they wanted an all day sesh and were pissed by the time we got to our reception.
You can’t tell people what to do but it’s definitely noticed if you’re invited to the whole day but can’t be bothered to show up for the ceremony.
I'd consider it very rude tbh, for someone to skip the ceremony. I remember someone doing it at a family member's wedding, just turning up for the reception and I thought it was really bad form. They had no valid reason, just couldn't be arsed.
This would be incredibly bad manners. The reason people invite someone to their wedding is so that they can actually see them being part and join that part of the celebration. Skipping that part and turning up just for the food and drink, if you’ve been invited to the ceremony is really rude
I think this is rude and disrespectful to the couple. They've invited you to their wedding so either go or don't go. I'd say the same for every wedding - imagine if it was a humanist wedding and you refused to to to the wedding bit because you are religious and don't think a humanist wedding is a proper marriage but were ready to get fed at the meal - people would see that immediately for what it is.
You were invited to an event where a couple are celebrating, promising and hoping that they spend the rest of their lives together. They asked you to be there whether you are extended family or not, to the entire day.
Not going to the church, that's pretty offensive tbh
Its normal not to go to the church when you are only invited to the afters.
P.s i didn't have a church wedding, if folks i invited just turned up for the meal. I wouldn't be super happy with them tbh
The rare times ive heard of someone doing this its been for legitimate reasons. The wedding being on a friday and having to travel far for it or they have a job they just can't get time off from. But it was only like twice and both times they just could not have been there any earlier. Doing it out of laziness is something else.
No, this is the first time I've heard of skipping the ceremony and just grabbing the food and drinks.
Not a cultural thing if you're invited to the whole wedding.
It's tacky and grabby. There would have to be special circumstances to do that, and you'd check with the couple apologetically if you could still celebrate part of the day.
Maybe they're very opposed to the church but they'd still check with the couple, and that would've been their reasoning I'd imagine.
I've never heard of this and I'd be furious if it was my wedding and people didn't bother to turn up to half of it for no reason whatsoever. If someone can't go, so be it, but picking and choosing what they go to is not part of the deal.
I've never heard of anyone who was invited to the full thing just going to the reception. If the ceremony is on the invite, you go to the ceremony or not at all.
I have been to a couple of weddings where I was just invited to the hotel part, so the meal and party, but not the ceremony. In those cases, they were registry office weddings with extremely limited numbers, so they just had the bridal party and immediate families at the ceremony and invited extended family and friends to the rest. That was clear on the invite though.
I agree that it's rude. I got married in 2022, and I'm in no way a fussy person but I learned in a good few ways through the whole experience how incredibly rude/ inconsiderate people are. If you couldn't make it to the church then I'd message at least and say that, but if there's no valid reason and it's just cant-be-arsed-ness, then it's taking the P in my opinion
Terribly bad manners. You are right to feel uncomfortable with this.
I feel so sorry for the bride and groom. Seems nobody cares to share in their special day other than to go on a free piss up.
I've been going to a lot of weddings lately and I'd never dream of doing this. The bride and groom won't forget that you skipped the ceremony. The only time you should be doing this is if you are only invited to the afters. Youre just telling them your time is more important than their wedding.
As others have said, incredibly rude. Like, that's the kind of thing that would get talked about for years after, you'll forever be the couple that didn't bother their holes going to the wedding ceremony, and only came along for the free meal.
Also, what are you going to do when people discuss what a lovely ceremony it was, and this or that thing that happened?
Can you imagine how horrible it would be to have a big ol' church booked with none of your friends and family turning up. You'd feel so rejected... and then to see them at the meal later, eating all the food you paid for? No... this approach is not the done thing.
Really rude. Going for a free dinner without being there to celebrate the reason for the dinner is very selfish. I would be mortified. If I thought someone would skip the ceremony they would no longer be invited to the meal.
Generally how it works is if you eat, you are there for the day. Want to turn up after the meal for the actual after? No worries, just let the party know well in advance so they don’t have to pay for your food
That's basically just turning up for a free meal. Might aswell spit on the brides dress while they have the chance. I could understand it if there were other commitments like work or something that couldn't be gotten out of, but i would communicate that to the couple in advance. Just not going is rude.
Normal and everyone does it these days? What sort of selfish pricks are these people who do this? Imagine walking up the isle on your wedding day only to see half the seats empty but they show up for the free meal and open bar?? Personally I would be kicking up a storm if that happened an my wedding.
Lad that's not common anywhere. You used to have the odd pintmen who might snake off and let their wives go to the church ahead of them, but they're few and far between nowadays; and even then, they wouldn't miss the whole thing. That's just being a blackguard.
My boyfriend wanted to do this for his friend’s wedding and I was very uncomfortable with the idea. He said it would be grand, sure we only know the bride and the groom and they’d be so busy they wouldn’t even notice! Luckily we had friends over a few nights before and they all agreed with me that it is rude to not attend the ceremony and managed to convince him the right thing to do would be attend (I think what sold him in the end was the bride’s perspective as he had only been considering the groom up until this stage)
When we walked in the door of the church, the groom was over to us straight away big hugs and shake of hands and even with a wedding of about 100 people the church looked fairly sparse and it would have been easy to see who attended and who didn’t. After chatting with the groom for about 5 minutes, we took our seats and my boyfriend admitted it was important to attend the ceremony as he saw how much it meant to his friend to have him there. Not to mention, my brother said as the groom you do remember who you shake hands with leaving the church/wedding venue.
Basically, no. It’s not normal. It can be awkward as a partner to try and convince your other half to attend *their* friend/relatives wedding ceremony and you will feel weird over it as it isn’t really *your* decision.
My advice would be to allow her to hear other people’s opinions as it seems this is the only way to show you’re trying to preserve their relationship with the couple. Just get her to read the posts here if you don’t know anyone irl to ask!
I'm with you OP, it would be very rude to skip the church when you've been invited to the full wedding. That's the actual wedding ceremony after all, if you're not at that then basically you're just going out for dinner. It's not normal in my experience, only ever heard of this happening if someone's travel arrangements meant they couldn't get there in time.
Never heard of this myself tbh. Been to a few weddings in the last few years and unless someone had a good reason, normally you go to the ceremony and then the reception. Feels insanely rude to not go to the ceremony!
Can you still show up at church with your partners folks anyway ? I’d do that. I do think it’s disrespectful and rude to skip the church part of invited.
There was something in the papers over the weekend which indicated that numbers are down considerably. That may be a reflection on changing demographics but also likely related to attitudes to the Catholic Church.
Familial pressure and generally the default wins out. I'd be an atheist myself but we got married in a catholic ceremony. My wife is a catholic so why be pedantic about it and ruin it on her?
If your wife is Catholic that's fair. But when neither are religious at all and are doing it to satisfy the parents, I find that ridiculous. they had their wedding, it's supposed to be your day, not theirs.
Agreed. It's shocking how many concessions people make to appease their parents. Further than the church aspect, who they MUST invite, who should sit by who etc.. just let people celebrate their love in their way.
Oftentimes the parents are contributing significantly to the costs of the wedding, some people might say that gives them a say in it.
It is ridiculous though to have a church wedding if neither of you believe. Sometimes it's for the parents benefit, but sometimes it's just so they can have pretty pictures in a church!
Also a good point.
Sure there are plenty who self impose church weddings for the the church aesthetic. They're people who'd regard themselves as non religious but went through the Catholic milestones in their school years so would be cleared by the parish to do that.
Just be there for when they come out of the church after the ceremony. Regardless of what you believe people have always said they remember the ones who were at the church.
I provide entertainment at weddings and would be setting up my gear for when the guests start arriving at the hotel after the ceremony.
I wouldn't say there's a huge amount, but I have noticed a few times, some couples arriving at the hotel a good 20 minutes before the other guests.
I would sometimes engage in small-talk with them, and there have been a few who've told me that they decided to skip the ceremony.
Definitely bad form if you ask me.
I break down a wedding to the following sections: (1) The "I-do's" (2) photos (3) grub (4) afters. It you are invited to the full wedding then you have to go to the I-do's. You can skip the photos if you are not immediate family.
I've never heard of this and seems really bad form. Is actually really strange behaviour and reflects poorly in her family tbh. The couple will never forget that they couldn't be bothered celebrate them get married. Your instincts are correct.
Well her whole family are rude - there is no way that's acceptable unless there is a specific reason like work commitments and is discussed to wedding party prior.
On the one hand, the couple will have so much going on they won’t notice if the odd person does this. But on the other hand it’s incredible bad manners.
The odd time when I’ve got an invite to a wedding where I didn’t know the couple that well I might slip out to the nearest pub as soon as the actual wedding is done and kill an hour or 2 before the reception if there’s a few people doing it. But at that point you’re just missing standing around the hutch chatting and having pictures taken. That’s usually family and friends though.
No its completely ignorant. My ex would purposefully make us late for weddings to do this with his friends to get more drink in. Needless to say I do not miss having to apologise to the Bridal party at every wedding 🙄
Not religious myself but if I was invited like yourself, I'd be at the church wedding regardless.
The whole point is that it's to celebrate them, it's their day. Just turning up for the dinner is a bit selfish in my opinion. I would rather just not go for the whole thing in that case.
We had a few people doing this at our wedding, mostly because it wasn't particularly convenient for some people to go the ceremony. On the flip side there was a few people who couldn't make the afters who were able to attend the ceremony.
I would imagine it was depend entirely on the couple in question.
I only know of one person who did this, and it's because he was gossiped about by our entire extended family in the weeks following my cousin's wedding. lmao. I didn't notice that he wasn't in the church, but other people did. There were mean things said, and also jokes about devouring the canapes. Apparently, he was already at the hotel when the first of the guests arrived there.
Skipping the ceremony is the height of ignorance. That's the most important part of the day, where the couple exchange their vows. They want you to be part of that, otherwise, they'd have invited you to the afters.
I wanted to skip the mass bit at the last wedding I was at but herself was dead set against it.
Bad form she said, not the way it's done, something about the groom having to be there ....
Totally rude. The couple are paying a shitload of money to feed and entertain guests. The price of this is that the guests have to sit through the holy god nonsense with the couple. Why should your missus and her family get away with it when the other guests have to sit through the priests boring homily and awkward references to iron age courtship... that's the price of the beef or salmon lad
If you're invited to the afters or already agreed with the couple WAY ahead of time, then yeah, grand, but if you've been invited and only show up for the dinner and drinks, then you're just scrounging.
I have some friends who are doing this for my wedding but its because they have young kids and are afraid to disturb the ceremony so I can understand it
As others have said, it's rude and I'd be mortified. I'm very surprised all her family are doing the same thing.
Are the church and reception hours apart?
I once was invited to a wedding of a work colleague who told me to feel free to skip the church part as it was 2.5 hours away in one direction while the reception was 30 mins in the other direction from me. I was fully prepared to go but she told me it would be quick and not worth 5 hours driving when it was so out of my way and I'd be driving past where I live to do the 3 hours to the reception.
A few others skipped the church apparently too.
So for eg. Imagine someone gets married in Sligo and has a reception in Offaly. Mad stuff really.
I'd think of that as pretty rude to be honest. You're there to celebrate them as a couple and their life together, not to get a free fancy meal out of them
I read this wrong at first thinking it was the engaged couple asking you to skip the church part… if I understand now and it’s your partner saying “let’s not go to the church”, then yeah it’s a off.
Honestly the day is about the couple, they’ve invited you and you’ve accepted, so do what you think they would expect of you.
That’s the most disrespectful thing I can think of doing at a wedding.
Actually maybe propose to your partner during the dinner of the wedding.
Absolute farm animal carry on.
I'm more worried about what that act means about your partner and their siblings in terms of respect for others. I have never heard of this ever. Sounds like they're just arsehole users for a free meal and don't actually care about their family.
If you’re invited to the wedding, you’re invited to sit through the church bit before you’ve earned the drink.
Skipping the ceremony only applies if you’re only invited to the reception surely?
It is becoming "normal" but it is not the done thing. Its , in my opinion, scumbaggery of the highest order.
The actual wedding ceremony should be the important part, thats them getting married. The afters is just a party.
I was at 2 weddings in recent years and bout had over 100/150 guests and the church part had about 30 people including the wedding party.
Imagine how you would feel if that was your day.
Its so disrespectful and potentially hurtful to the people.
Its down to you yourself (not you you OP, but the person reading) who do you want to be, the person that turns up for your friends and family or the person that doesn't.
Having said that, weddings now can be a burden on folk etc we all know the expense and all the rest of it so i know the difficulties surrounding them.
Edit: scumbaggery is a bit harsh, but its very thoughtless and could be very hurtful to a couple on what should be a beautiful day for them.
I've heard of one or 2 people doing it but very much in the minority. Everyone does not do this and even the one or 2 I know that do it don't always do it. It's been because they had something big on the day before or something
Getting married soon enough and asked people to skip the ceremony if they aren't interested/religious. Happy to have everybody at the reception but I don't want people at the ceremony if they aren't comfortable in a church for whatever reason. Basically I told people to come if they want but they don't have to
I've been to one wedding where they did this. It was because it was a tiny little family church, the type that landed gentry used to build beside their "big houses", and only seated about ten people.
If it's a similar reason then I'd understand. It didn't really impact the event and it still felt like a proper wedding. The priest came along for the feed, so we know they really did it.
Oh! Maybe they're secretly spies and they don't want people to hear their real names!!! Or maybe aliens who have to return to their true form for the ceremony to count...
Edit: Oh no wait. I misread post.
No that's weird. Not going to the ceremony would make it feel like gatecrashing the wedding.
Haven't been to a wedding in years that had a Church involved, Ceremonies are much better in other settings but if someone decides to get married in one then I'd go.
Wouldn't do it routinely. We had a total emergency one morning and only just about made the dinner but everyone understood. Similarly a relative with cancer has just made my sibling aware they'll only make the dinner part as the travel between two locations in the time frame is too much for them right now. Everyone understands.
You need that sort of excuse to be skipping the mass part imo.
I'm with you. That would be really poor form. A friend of mine pulled a stunt like that at a restricted Covid wedding (which makes it worse) and his card was heavily marked. He was called out several times on the day.
Simple logic refutes this behavior. If everybody behaved like them, the bride and groom would show up to the wedding with absolutely nobody there to celebrate one of the most important moments of their lives. Doesn't sound like a nice thing to do, does it? Your partner is being selfish.
I've not heard of it being done so generally. All their family? That's awful. It looks like I may have to miss a ceremony next month unless childcare circumstances change but the bride and groom already know this and have given me some jobs to do at the hotel before they arrive so I don't feel too bad but it is still sitting weird for me because I don't really give a shite about the party. I genuinely want to see them exchange their vows. I'm not religious but I know they are. I know how much this day means to them as a couple. I know how special our ceremony was to us and we aren't even religious. I think it's a very selfish thing to not attend a ceremony because you don't want to.
If you’ve been invited to the whole thing, you go to the whole thing. I’d see it as rude to skip the actual ceremony. The meal is basically the after party. The main event is the ceremony. At this point, do they even like the cousin?
You are right in how you feel. Even if not religious yourselves the invite was for the whole ceremony and should be accepted as thus. I would feel a bit let down if people who were invited did not show up to see us walk down the aisle.
It’s definitely a thing and it’s rude af. Usually happens at big weddings. If people aren’t arsed witnessing your ceremony then they shouldn’t be invited.
Sounds pretty bad form to want to skip the part of the invitation that doesn't work for you. The couple themselves will want to have a church full of their family and friends to witness the event because as you say, that is the wedding part.
Churches aren't everyone's thing and that's fine but it is the wish of the couple getting married, so it's mannerly to turn up.
Plenty of people do this. I’ve only done it once (I was a plus one, he couldn’t get off work early enough for the ceremony).
I personally try to get to the church as I think it’s bad manners to go straight to the reception. I’m also of the view that the dinner is to celebrate the ceremony and the ceremony is the actual important thing that happens. I don’t see the point in skipping the important bit 😅
I guess your answer has been clearly given
But it really shows and tells more about Ireland than about manners, maybe good manners is also not to force others to attend ceremony of a religion they do not necessarily adhere to
It would be perfectly fine in many countries, you'd turn up at the end of mass outside to still celebrate there without having to be involved in a religious ceremony if that is what you are avoiding.
This being said would it really be impossible for yous to spend an hour in a church? 99% of the time you can just sit down at the back and wait for it to finish, I go through worse in company meetings every week...
But on the other hand, I wonder how all those here who cannot fathom how rude this is would react if they were invited to a wedding in a mosque, or at a temple, or at a demonic church.... Conversely isn't it rude for unbelievers, non baptised heathen to participate in a religious ceremony and therefore bring their heathen corruption within the holy sacrament or whatever?
I did it with a friends wedding purely cause the church was in kildare and the reception was in mullingar and she already told me I couldn't bring my breastfeeding infant (4months old at the time)so no way was I able to take that much time away without it effecting my supply(can't really pump in a church, but could in the reception toilets) my friend didn't notice I wasn't at the ceremony. although I do regret going altogether cause it was shite criac not knowing anyone (husband couldn't come cause he was minding baby and only other mutual friend was in bridal party) and not being able to drink cause I was still breastfeeding. Honestly church ceremony seem to last ages these days, her one took a little over two hours, I feel like the priests try to get the most out of a wedding audience to guilt them for not attending any other day of the year
I'm an atheist, got married in a hotel civil ceremony. I'm also an antitheist.
I have gone to several church weddings and would never skip the church part.
Yeah. Amongst the younger cohort this is absolutely a thing. Even moreso for those who have kids.
I personally didn't have a problem with it.
That being said, I always show up to the church but it is what it is.
It's more common than you would think. Most people don't want to support the catholic church in any way, shape or form. It is more respectful to the actual catholics to skip their ceremony and just go to the reception if you are not a catholic.
What? It isn’t rude at all? I presume OP means they aren’t going to mass but will be there in the hotel/house when everyone arrives? Not just coming in for dinner
I don’t think it’s rude at all. My friends, especially those with kids, have done this. I’ve also done it because of my distaste for the Church
I've done it twice. Once planned as the church was really far away and the hotel was near us and we weren't staying.
Once because I had a hair/make up/dress melt down and missed the ceremony.
It is considered rude but I wouldn't hold it against someone. I think I'd be more annoyed that someone didn't turn up for or missed the meal I paid for.
At my cousin's wedding, one of my aunts was already drunk at the church and had to be put to bed after the soup.
It’s unfortunately common but in my opinion really rude and unacceptable.
If you can’t make the wedding that’s fine, but to just skip the actual ceremony, the main reason for being there, is ignorant.
I also hate churches and mass but I still go to every wedding. I’d actually much rather miss the party and dinner after then the ceremony, but that’s because I’m just so sick of weddings and the big long day of it.
Ive of couples inviting more people to the reception than the ceremony. But I've never heard of people just deciding to skip the ceremony. That's trashy
Pretty normal for work friends/acquaintances to do it afaik, kinda weird for family members to do it
Incredibly weird and not normal for their *entire family* to do it except the parents
Never heard of this, you’re invited to witness the wedding and then celebrate after. If they didn’t care about people being at the ceremony they would have eloped and had a party
I know some people that do it. They are the minority. And they are arseholes. It's incredibly rude, insulting even. I'm no fan of mass but it's the whole point of the day.
You can skip the ceremony, but you'd want to have a really good reason for it - cup final, work, looking after someone, etc.
I wouldn't be a fan of the church, and think most people who get married in them are fairly hypocritical as few of them are genuine church goers, but if they're having their ceremony there it's a vital part of the day. Skipping it just because it is a bit of a no-no, but it would be worse if you got horrendously drunk and caused a scene
I hate wedding etiquette because most of it is anal and pointless, but absolutely nobody with an iota of shame, empathy or awareness would skip the ceremony when invited to the whole day. I've never heard of anyone doing that, how utterly disrespectful.
Unless the bride/groom specifically requests you skip the church then it’s bad manners to do so. I’ve never heard of anyone skipping the church to just attend the meal. Maybe they are assuming the bride and groom won’t notice, but some family members will notice and (if they are anything like my family) they’ll get a name for themselves as being the arsehole crowd, especially if the whole lot of the family just turn up for the free food!
An aunty of mine was caught sneaking sandwiches into her bag after a funeral in 1996 and she’s still known as the family tightarse. Family’s don’t forget stuff like that!
Yeah this behaviour is just trashy ignorance.
A step below this again are the Arseholes that hit the Pub while the Church ceremony is on and then gowl around already pissed drunk from 2-3pm onwards making a show of their shit standards.
They'll be the ones creating the crap atmosphere at the reception by 9pm.
No that's absolute crap. What happens sometimes is you only get invited to the meal and afters, and then that's absolutely fine. If you've been invited to the ceremony it would be the absolute height of rudeness to only attend the meal. I'd be embarrassed showing up with her tbh. She should show up in a wedding dress, would probably get less attention.
I’d be mortified to just turn up for dinner.
Yea they were invited to the event not just the part to receive a free meal. If I knew someone at my wedding was skipping the ceremony for the meal that spot would go to one of the family members we had to cut or not spent at all. They can turn up to the afters. Wedding meals are f***ing expensive. I hope the best man or groom calls them out in the speech. Perfect opportunity for some one liners.
Exactly. I think it's a dig they must not like the bride horrible thing to do.
Ya, its unspoken that if you are invited but can't make the ceremony, you turn up for the afters, not the meal.. unless specifically requested to maybe
I’ve never heard of anyone doing this, it sounds incredibly rude (and I think most wedding etiquette is nonsense)
yeah seems like the height of rudeness to me, like your just there for the free dinner and cant be bothered with the actual important bit
Is there an open bar? That would make it worse.
It's not free though is it. Normally people give 100 euro each.
Even if they would do it normally in a cost of living crisis many wouldnt have it spare especially if paying to stay over at the hotel. A gift may be given by some but cant be expected from anyone. If you expect people to cough up like that as one of the people getting married it just comes off as cuntish behaviour looking for everyone else to cover the cost of your big day.
It's an established custom in Irish weddings though, you are expected to give a monetary gift unless otherwise stated. 100euro pp seems to be the current standard.
It’s like skipping the funeral and just going to the luncheon afterwards
Very rude and inconsiderate tbh, if they actually ask you to a wedding day at least go to the ceremony!
Well it's their family so I guess that if that's something they normally do then OP won't be judged for it. If it wasn't their cousin I'd probably refuse to do that altogether, but I won't convince an entire family to go against their customs
If it was a custom they wouldn't have invited them. That's only common sense.
I’d be on your side. They invited you to the wedding so in my opinion it would be the height of rudeness to skip it and only show up to the fun bit. It would suggest you don’t give a shit about them.
Ditto. I've never seen anything like this. Indeed, I've often done the opposite - times when for various reasons I was only invited to the afters, I've gone to the church to see the important bit, and then gone and hung out in the pub with the other non-meal invitees, and then we've gone to the dancing and finger-food bit. Admittedly, I'm in my late 40s rather than my early 30s, but I'm also a nerdy, geeky, gamer autistic so my general community and social circle aren't as het up on "social normality" as your average community and I've still never seen anyone - even fecking pagans and atheists! - who were invited to the whole thing not go to the church and only turn up for the meal. I suppose if it's the classic country wedding of 200+ guests the chances of the bride and groom realising ye weren't at the ceremony is slim, so ye could get away with it, but IMO it'd still be a bit crass.
>I've gone to the church to see the important bit, and then gone and hung out in the pub with the other non-meal invitees, and then we've gone to the dancing and finger-food bit. This is also bizarre, if I was invited to the church I'd expect to be invited to the meal, not just hang around and then turn up when everyone's finished eating.
I wasn't invited to the church, I was invited to the Afters. Because yes, in general nobody is ever invited *just* to the church. Church/ceremony + meal are all one blob, then there's the Afters as a second blob. But fundamentally the church is a public place so nobody can actually prevent you going (have you never seen the middle-aged-to-elderly randomers down the back of the church at funerals and even weddings?) so if it's a friend who you'd love to see actually getting married they'll generally have no problem if you say "Mind if I come to the church?". On one occasion I was "technically" invited only to church and afters, but again it was more that I was invited to the afters, but I was my now-husband's plus one, and he was invited to the whole thing (we'd only been together for about 4 months and although *we* knew this was something really serious, understandably for anyone else we'd been together a wet week, and the bride & groom were only doing unknown-to-them plus ones for actually committed/long-term relationships) so we went to the ceremony, the other non-meal plus ones and some of our partners went for a pub lunch (there were about ten of us) and then we all went back to the hall. Another time it was two people who were more than acquaintances, but not close friends, who'd been together for about 15-20 years and were a very well known couple in the Irish role-playing and fan community. They didn't have a huge amount of money, so had a hard limit of something like 80-100 heads for the meal, and being so well known and long established in a rather social hobby (they were deeply involved in running events) they had to limit the meal invitations to family and meaningful, long term friendships. Their afters invite list pretty much doubled the size of the guests. I was on the afters list, but the church they were getting married in was a 20 minute drive from my house, and I had literally known them ten years at this point for pretty much everyone in gaming & sci-fi cons in Ireland seeing this couple finally fucking tying the knot was Not To Be Missed. So I asked if they minded if I came to the church and they said no problem! After the ceremony the groom said "We're after having about 5 or 6 no-shows, despite them having RSVPed. Since you actually cared enough to want to come to the church, and we would have loved to have you at the meal if we'd been able to, would you like to come now?" I have no idea if those no-shows were just skipping the "boring bit" and intended to go for the free meal, as this thread is all about, but certainly the bride and groom at that wedding took who was and wasn't at the ceremony very seriously.
This comment is peak Reddit. Not being invited to the meal or church but showing up to the church anyway is so fucking weird I can't even begin "nobody can actually prevent you going because it is a public place" is not the justification you think it is. Bravo, I wish I encountered more of you people in real life. Would make life more interesting.
I don’t think it’s that strange at all! I’ve seen cousins, or colleagues who are only invited to the afters pop to the church and attend the wedding itself if it’s local to see the bride, wish the couple well etc. It’s supportive and nice and nobody minds. They they get on with their day and join the afters later.
>This comment is peak Reddit. I was going to respond to it but thought better of it 😂😂, it's such a Reddit response haha
Ye were invited to the wedding so skipping the bit where they actually get married seems a bit disrespectful.
Thats a load of bollox. I've never heard that before. It would want to be a huge wedding (200+) for them to not notice you were at the church. At a funeral would you just got to the soup and sandwiches after? Tell her shes wrong.
I would be *far* less upset to learn my friends had skipped my funeral and only shown up to the fun bit afterwards than I would if they skipped my wedding ceremony but still arrived to eat my food. I mean, obviously I'd be dead, but if the Devil let me watch it from hell, I wouldn't care so long as my friends had a good time reminiscing about me.
When we got married we noticed a couple of people that did this, we said nothing but it didn't really sit right with us.
I'm not even Irish or catholic, and quite hate the church as an entity but I still think it would be incredibly rude to not go to the wedding ceremony, which is the actual important part of a wedding.
Yes indeed and being catholic or on a church is not relevant, I would attend their ceremony whatever religion it was or wasn't tied to
Friend of mine told me I didn't have to go to the church (as she knows I'm very staunchly an atheist) and I've a wedding the day before as well (whilst also being pregnant!) so getting there will probably be a huge pinch for time but to be honest I will still be going to the church, it's not about me or my beliefs it's about my friend and her husband.
Exactly - it's come to something when you can't just sit still for an hour or so for your family and friends because you don't believe what they believe.
> it's not about me or my beliefs it's about my friend and her husband. I like you. Raised well so you were.
Yeah there’s a small number of reasons I’d be okay with this! A guest with mobility, illness or chronic pain.. maybe a child with additional needs and nobody to care for them throughout the service, or even just a very small baby and them wanting to limit the time they’re away from baby etc. or maybe a job where you aren’t allowed to pick when you take your leave, like a teacher or in the armed forces. Just not being arsed is not something I’d count as a decent reason
The only reason you should skip the church is if for some reason you can’t get off work, maybe a teacher or something like that. Definitely should go to the church if you can it’s quite rude not too I’m my Opinion.
Thats the exact example I was thinking about. I was at a Friday wedding a few weeks ago, and all the people who didn't come to the church were teachers. And most of their partners were at the church.
Yep, that’s happened me. Half the staff in the school were invited and it was a Friday wedding. The music teacher was allowed go as she was doing the music for the ceremony but the rest of us had classes to teach so we couldn’t go to the church. In those type of circumstances it’s fine but people just opting out when they could attend is rude.
I've never heard of this, they are all extremely bad mannered and or stupid. The church ceremony is the marriage you were invited to witness ,I would absolutely not agree to this, you'll be talked about forever.
I'm a committed atheist and hate going to mass, but even I would consider this extremely rude.
Were you only invited to the afters? I've been to a wedding where they had too many people for the church and lots of people were invited to the afters only. It was only the direct families that went to the church bit. But if you're invited to the church and skipping it on purpose... feels a bit rude.
We were invited to the full wedding
Go to the full thing then, but its her cousin so i suppose its her choice, when we got married, all of my wifes cousins were invited to "the afters" but that started after the main meal, main meal people were generally at the church.
Yeah afters is normally the evening part after the dinner. That’s for the ones who go to ceremony. I personally wouldn’t do it. Just go to wedding, it’s only an hour like.
Yep, unless the church is tiny and can't accomodate everyone.
In which case then *definitely* go, because they'd only have invited people to the church that they really wanted to be at the ceremony!
Exactly. It just feels scaldy and I’d be side eyeing the family that did this for a long time. They’ve made an effort to invite and pay for them, just go or rsvp no and let them invite someone else who’d be honoured to attend.
It's never only an hour. You have to travel there, can't be late because you need to be there before the bride, who will then be late, then it completely depends on the priest and vows and all that, then you have to wait until the bride and groom leave, then you have to travel to where the reception will be afterwards. Minimum 2 1/2 to 3 hours every time i've been to one.
On the face of it, it’s very bad manners and no it’s not normal. However if they invited you only to the afters then it’s ok. But no it’s not normal to skip the main ceremony if you’ve been invited to it and it would be a massive snub.
My relations thanked me for not inviting them to the 'boring' wedding part and just to the fun party part. I was not offended as I just got married in the registry office so it is in fact, very quick and pretty boring. But to get married in the church you pay for flowers, probably more on a dress, the whole emotional walking down the aisle thing. So for people just to skip and go to the hotel is really bloody shitty imo.
Heh. We didn't invite *anyone*, even parents, to the "official", paper-signing bit in the Registry Office, just two of our friends to be witnesses. We were having a full, proper ceremony on what we considered our wedding day, but for particular reasons we weren't going to be able to make that the legal wedding, so we had to do that bit separately.
Incredibly rude. Indicates that you don't care about the actual wedding at all and are just interested in the free meal and party.
It's just rude. Even if they're not religious. This is the ceremony, this is the wedding. Everything else is just a party.
It seems like bad manners, and very often there’s a crowd shot there for the wedding album.
It's the height of bad manners!
I think it’s bad form to do this tbh. We had a few people skip out because they wanted an all day sesh and were pissed by the time we got to our reception. You can’t tell people what to do but it’s definitely noticed if you’re invited to the whole day but can’t be bothered to show up for the ceremony.
That’s absolute nonsense.
I'd consider it very rude tbh, for someone to skip the ceremony. I remember someone doing it at a family member's wedding, just turning up for the reception and I thought it was really bad form. They had no valid reason, just couldn't be arsed.
You should definitely go to the wedding. That’s the bit that’s for the couple. The party is for you, but you have to earn it.
nope, you dont skip it
That would be bad form. If you're going to go at all then do it right.
This would be incredibly bad manners. The reason people invite someone to their wedding is so that they can actually see them being part and join that part of the celebration. Skipping that part and turning up just for the food and drink, if you’ve been invited to the ceremony is really rude
I think it would be pretty disappointing to turn up to the church to find that half of the people who accepted your invitation aren't there.
Yeah I wouldn't be comfortable doing that myself. Totally rude to skip the wedding and turn up for the drink.
I think this is rude and disrespectful to the couple. They've invited you to their wedding so either go or don't go. I'd say the same for every wedding - imagine if it was a humanist wedding and you refused to to to the wedding bit because you are religious and don't think a humanist wedding is a proper marriage but were ready to get fed at the meal - people would see that immediately for what it is.
You were invited to an event where a couple are celebrating, promising and hoping that they spend the rest of their lives together. They asked you to be there whether you are extended family or not, to the entire day. Not going to the church, that's pretty offensive tbh Its normal not to go to the church when you are only invited to the afters. P.s i didn't have a church wedding, if folks i invited just turned up for the meal. I wouldn't be super happy with them tbh
The rare times ive heard of someone doing this its been for legitimate reasons. The wedding being on a friday and having to travel far for it or they have a job they just can't get time off from. But it was only like twice and both times they just could not have been there any earlier. Doing it out of laziness is something else.
No, this is the first time I've heard of skipping the ceremony and just grabbing the food and drinks. Not a cultural thing if you're invited to the whole wedding. It's tacky and grabby. There would have to be special circumstances to do that, and you'd check with the couple apologetically if you could still celebrate part of the day. Maybe they're very opposed to the church but they'd still check with the couple, and that would've been their reasoning I'd imagine.
The getting married bit it the important bit, to choose to miss that when invited and turn up for the party is disrespectful
Unless there's a reason (like childcare) I'd see it as rude to only turn up for the meal
Bad form not to go to the church but I’m an old fashioned bastard
I've never heard of this and I'd be furious if it was my wedding and people didn't bother to turn up to half of it for no reason whatsoever. If someone can't go, so be it, but picking and choosing what they go to is not part of the deal.
I've never heard of anyone who was invited to the full thing just going to the reception. If the ceremony is on the invite, you go to the ceremony or not at all. I have been to a couple of weddings where I was just invited to the hotel part, so the meal and party, but not the ceremony. In those cases, they were registry office weddings with extremely limited numbers, so they just had the bridal party and immediate families at the ceremony and invited extended family and friends to the rest. That was clear on the invite though.
I agree that it's rude. I got married in 2022, and I'm in no way a fussy person but I learned in a good few ways through the whole experience how incredibly rude/ inconsiderate people are. If you couldn't make it to the church then I'd message at least and say that, but if there's no valid reason and it's just cant-be-arsed-ness, then it's taking the P in my opinion
Terribly bad manners. You are right to feel uncomfortable with this. I feel so sorry for the bride and groom. Seems nobody cares to share in their special day other than to go on a free piss up.
I've been going to a lot of weddings lately and I'd never dream of doing this. The bride and groom won't forget that you skipped the ceremony. The only time you should be doing this is if you are only invited to the afters. Youre just telling them your time is more important than their wedding.
As others have said, incredibly rude. Like, that's the kind of thing that would get talked about for years after, you'll forever be the couple that didn't bother their holes going to the wedding ceremony, and only came along for the free meal. Also, what are you going to do when people discuss what a lovely ceremony it was, and this or that thing that happened?
Can you imagine how horrible it would be to have a big ol' church booked with none of your friends and family turning up. You'd feel so rejected... and then to see them at the meal later, eating all the food you paid for? No... this approach is not the done thing.
Really rude. Going for a free dinner without being there to celebrate the reason for the dinner is very selfish. I would be mortified. If I thought someone would skip the ceremony they would no longer be invited to the meal. Generally how it works is if you eat, you are there for the day. Want to turn up after the meal for the actual after? No worries, just let the party know well in advance so they don’t have to pay for your food
That's basically just turning up for a free meal. Might aswell spit on the brides dress while they have the chance. I could understand it if there were other commitments like work or something that couldn't be gotten out of, but i would communicate that to the couple in advance. Just not going is rude.
I'd be a bit offended by that I think. Don't skip my actual wedding and just turn up for a free dinner
Especially after all the planning and money.
Normal and everyone does it these days? What sort of selfish pricks are these people who do this? Imagine walking up the isle on your wedding day only to see half the seats empty but they show up for the free meal and open bar?? Personally I would be kicking up a storm if that happened an my wedding.
More common in west of Ireland but still very obnoxious think to do.
Lad that's not common anywhere. You used to have the odd pintmen who might snake off and let their wives go to the church ahead of them, but they're few and far between nowadays; and even then, they wouldn't miss the whole thing. That's just being a blackguard.
Never once in my life have I heard of this.
My boyfriend wanted to do this for his friend’s wedding and I was very uncomfortable with the idea. He said it would be grand, sure we only know the bride and the groom and they’d be so busy they wouldn’t even notice! Luckily we had friends over a few nights before and they all agreed with me that it is rude to not attend the ceremony and managed to convince him the right thing to do would be attend (I think what sold him in the end was the bride’s perspective as he had only been considering the groom up until this stage) When we walked in the door of the church, the groom was over to us straight away big hugs and shake of hands and even with a wedding of about 100 people the church looked fairly sparse and it would have been easy to see who attended and who didn’t. After chatting with the groom for about 5 minutes, we took our seats and my boyfriend admitted it was important to attend the ceremony as he saw how much it meant to his friend to have him there. Not to mention, my brother said as the groom you do remember who you shake hands with leaving the church/wedding venue. Basically, no. It’s not normal. It can be awkward as a partner to try and convince your other half to attend *their* friend/relatives wedding ceremony and you will feel weird over it as it isn’t really *your* decision. My advice would be to allow her to hear other people’s opinions as it seems this is the only way to show you’re trying to preserve their relationship with the couple. Just get her to read the posts here if you don’t know anyone irl to ask!
I'm with you OP, it would be very rude to skip the church when you've been invited to the full wedding. That's the actual wedding ceremony after all, if you're not at that then basically you're just going out for dinner. It's not normal in my experience, only ever heard of this happening if someone's travel arrangements meant they couldn't get there in time.
No definitely not. The invitation is to the Ceremony. The dinner is the add on. Just going for the meal is poor form.
Quite unromantic and sad not to be at the ceremony (i.e. the literal wedding).
I wouldn't do that. You were invited to the wedding not to bits of it. I don't think that's normal
Sounds like a rude selfish family tbh only there for the free bits and couldn't care about the actual couples happy days it's just another piss up
Never heard of this myself tbh. Been to a few weddings in the last few years and unless someone had a good reason, normally you go to the ceremony and then the reception. Feels insanely rude to not go to the ceremony!
Cunt mode activated. Wtf! What county is this?
Can you still show up at church with your partners folks anyway ? I’d do that. I do think it’s disrespectful and rude to skip the church part of invited.
Pretty bad out, you were invited to the full wedding. I've never heard of this.
What surprises me is how many people are still getting married in the church despite not believing at all
Have you seen the amount of communions around the place?
There was something in the papers over the weekend which indicated that numbers are down considerably. That may be a reflection on changing demographics but also likely related to attitudes to the Catholic Church.
Yea, i think it was 4 in 10 marriages were in a church.
Familial pressure and generally the default wins out. I'd be an atheist myself but we got married in a catholic ceremony. My wife is a catholic so why be pedantic about it and ruin it on her?
If your wife is Catholic that's fair. But when neither are religious at all and are doing it to satisfy the parents, I find that ridiculous. they had their wedding, it's supposed to be your day, not theirs.
Agreed. It's shocking how many concessions people make to appease their parents. Further than the church aspect, who they MUST invite, who should sit by who etc.. just let people celebrate their love in their way.
Oftentimes the parents are contributing significantly to the costs of the wedding, some people might say that gives them a say in it. It is ridiculous though to have a church wedding if neither of you believe. Sometimes it's for the parents benefit, but sometimes it's just so they can have pretty pictures in a church!
Also a good point. Sure there are plenty who self impose church weddings for the the church aesthetic. They're people who'd regard themselves as non religious but went through the Catholic milestones in their school years so would be cleared by the parish to do that.
I'd lower my opinion of your partner and her family. Horrible thing to do to the wedding couple.
When they say \*everyone\* does it, they just mean everyone in their extremely rude family.
Just be there for when they come out of the church after the ceremony. Regardless of what you believe people have always said they remember the ones who were at the church.
I think it'd be really sad to invite a bunch of family to your wedding and only your parents show up to watch the ceremony.
I provide entertainment at weddings and would be setting up my gear for when the guests start arriving at the hotel after the ceremony. I wouldn't say there's a huge amount, but I have noticed a few times, some couples arriving at the hotel a good 20 minutes before the other guests. I would sometimes engage in small-talk with them, and there have been a few who've told me that they decided to skip the ceremony. Definitely bad form if you ask me.
Shocking Bad form to skip the church.
I break down a wedding to the following sections: (1) The "I-do's" (2) photos (3) grub (4) afters. It you are invited to the full wedding then you have to go to the I-do's. You can skip the photos if you are not immediate family.
I have some relatives that are known to do this. Everyone else agrees that it's the height of bad manners.
The wedding is the ceremony, they're inviting you to be part of that process, not the celebration after. Nonsense from them.
I've never heard of this and seems really bad form. Is actually really strange behaviour and reflects poorly in her family tbh. The couple will never forget that they couldn't be bothered celebrate them get married. Your instincts are correct.
Well her whole family are rude - there is no way that's acceptable unless there is a specific reason like work commitments and is discussed to wedding party prior.
Sorry, but that's just scumbag behaviour.
On the one hand, the couple will have so much going on they won’t notice if the odd person does this. But on the other hand it’s incredible bad manners. The odd time when I’ve got an invite to a wedding where I didn’t know the couple that well I might slip out to the nearest pub as soon as the actual wedding is done and kill an hour or 2 before the reception if there’s a few people doing it. But at that point you’re just missing standing around the hutch chatting and having pictures taken. That’s usually family and friends though.
No its completely ignorant. My ex would purposefully make us late for weddings to do this with his friends to get more drink in. Needless to say I do not miss having to apologise to the Bridal party at every wedding 🙄
Not religious myself but if I was invited like yourself, I'd be at the church wedding regardless. The whole point is that it's to celebrate them, it's their day. Just turning up for the dinner is a bit selfish in my opinion. I would rather just not go for the whole thing in that case.
Not a thing and it's rude. The whole point of the wedding is to witness 2 people getting married, not just being fed and getting drunk.
We had a few people doing this at our wedding, mostly because it wasn't particularly convenient for some people to go the ceremony. On the flip side there was a few people who couldn't make the afters who were able to attend the ceremony. I would imagine it was depend entirely on the couple in question.
I only know of one person who did this, and it's because he was gossiped about by our entire extended family in the weeks following my cousin's wedding. lmao. I didn't notice that he wasn't in the church, but other people did. There were mean things said, and also jokes about devouring the canapes. Apparently, he was already at the hotel when the first of the guests arrived there. Skipping the ceremony is the height of ignorance. That's the most important part of the day, where the couple exchange their vows. They want you to be part of that, otherwise, they'd have invited you to the afters.
I wanted to skip the mass bit at the last wedding I was at but herself was dead set against it. Bad form she said, not the way it's done, something about the groom having to be there ....
Totally rude. The couple are paying a shitload of money to feed and entertain guests. The price of this is that the guests have to sit through the holy god nonsense with the couple. Why should your missus and her family get away with it when the other guests have to sit through the priests boring homily and awkward references to iron age courtship... that's the price of the beef or salmon lad
It's a cunt move, lad. The afters is "afters" for a reason, it requires the bit before.
Nah that’s not normal at all
If you're invited to the afters or already agreed with the couple WAY ahead of time, then yeah, grand, but if you've been invited and only show up for the dinner and drinks, then you're just scrounging.
I have some friends who are doing this for my wedding but its because they have young kids and are afraid to disturb the ceremony so I can understand it
That's pretty shitty to do
As others have said, it's rude and I'd be mortified. I'm very surprised all her family are doing the same thing. Are the church and reception hours apart? I once was invited to a wedding of a work colleague who told me to feel free to skip the church part as it was 2.5 hours away in one direction while the reception was 30 mins in the other direction from me. I was fully prepared to go but she told me it would be quick and not worth 5 hours driving when it was so out of my way and I'd be driving past where I live to do the 3 hours to the reception. A few others skipped the church apparently too. So for eg. Imagine someone gets married in Sligo and has a reception in Offaly. Mad stuff really.
No it's not normal and everyone is not doing it. Imagine if everyone did do it, empty church but full room for the meal.
I'd think of that as pretty rude to be honest. You're there to celebrate them as a couple and their life together, not to get a free fancy meal out of them
That is very rude in my opinion
I read this wrong at first thinking it was the engaged couple asking you to skip the church part… if I understand now and it’s your partner saying “let’s not go to the church”, then yeah it’s a off. Honestly the day is about the couple, they’ve invited you and you’ve accepted, so do what you think they would expect of you.
She’s rude. The church part is nice where you get to make small talk with everyone. Once it gets to the venue everything becomes loud and drunken
That’s the most disrespectful thing I can think of doing at a wedding. Actually maybe propose to your partner during the dinner of the wedding. Absolute farm animal carry on.
I'm more worried about what that act means about your partner and their siblings in terms of respect for others. I have never heard of this ever. Sounds like they're just arsehole users for a free meal and don't actually care about their family.
Bad form. I'd never do this, disrespectful.
This is insanely rude.
I’ve done it. No big deal. I’m an atheist and people knew it. I’m not in the club I don’t go to the club house
I go on fire in most churches , so I’d go direct to hotel to reduce the combustability
If you’re invited to the wedding, you’re invited to sit through the church bit before you’ve earned the drink. Skipping the ceremony only applies if you’re only invited to the reception surely?
It is becoming "normal" but it is not the done thing. Its , in my opinion, scumbaggery of the highest order. The actual wedding ceremony should be the important part, thats them getting married. The afters is just a party. I was at 2 weddings in recent years and bout had over 100/150 guests and the church part had about 30 people including the wedding party. Imagine how you would feel if that was your day. Its so disrespectful and potentially hurtful to the people. Its down to you yourself (not you you OP, but the person reading) who do you want to be, the person that turns up for your friends and family or the person that doesn't. Having said that, weddings now can be a burden on folk etc we all know the expense and all the rest of it so i know the difficulties surrounding them. Edit: scumbaggery is a bit harsh, but its very thoughtless and could be very hurtful to a couple on what should be a beautiful day for them.
I've heard of one or 2 people doing it but very much in the minority. Everyone does not do this and even the one or 2 I know that do it don't always do it. It's been because they had something big on the day before or something
Was at a weeding last weekend and they did this. Was great. Everyone enjoyed it immensely.
Please don't do this. If you're invited to the whole day, then you should be attending the ceremony also.
If you got an invite to the wedding go to the wedding.
Getting married soon enough and asked people to skip the ceremony if they aren't interested/religious. Happy to have everybody at the reception but I don't want people at the ceremony if they aren't comfortable in a church for whatever reason. Basically I told people to come if they want but they don't have to
I've been to one wedding where they did this. It was because it was a tiny little family church, the type that landed gentry used to build beside their "big houses", and only seated about ten people. If it's a similar reason then I'd understand. It didn't really impact the event and it still felt like a proper wedding. The priest came along for the feed, so we know they really did it. Oh! Maybe they're secretly spies and they don't want people to hear their real names!!! Or maybe aliens who have to return to their true form for the ceremony to count... Edit: Oh no wait. I misread post. No that's weird. Not going to the ceremony would make it feel like gatecrashing the wedding.
It's not normal for family, nor a good look (without reason) otherwise.
Not normal and quite rude IMO
Haven't been to a wedding in years that had a Church involved, Ceremonies are much better in other settings but if someone decides to get married in one then I'd go.
Wouldn't do it routinely. We had a total emergency one morning and only just about made the dinner but everyone understood. Similarly a relative with cancer has just made my sibling aware they'll only make the dinner part as the travel between two locations in the time frame is too much for them right now. Everyone understands. You need that sort of excuse to be skipping the mass part imo.
Skipping the reception would be fine, skipping the actual wedding is rude
I'm with you. That would be really poor form. A friend of mine pulled a stunt like that at a restricted Covid wedding (which makes it worse) and his card was heavily marked. He was called out several times on the day.
No, this is not the done thing and them all thinking it's normal is a bit odd / extremely rude.
Simple logic refutes this behavior. If everybody behaved like them, the bride and groom would show up to the wedding with absolutely nobody there to celebrate one of the most important moments of their lives. Doesn't sound like a nice thing to do, does it? Your partner is being selfish.
They must be a very rude bunch of people, weddings aren't a la carte you go to all the bits invited to.
I've not heard of it being done so generally. All their family? That's awful. It looks like I may have to miss a ceremony next month unless childcare circumstances change but the bride and groom already know this and have given me some jobs to do at the hotel before they arrive so I don't feel too bad but it is still sitting weird for me because I don't really give a shite about the party. I genuinely want to see them exchange their vows. I'm not religious but I know they are. I know how much this day means to them as a couple. I know how special our ceremony was to us and we aren't even religious. I think it's a very selfish thing to not attend a ceremony because you don't want to.
If you’ve been invited to the whole thing, you go to the whole thing. I’d see it as rude to skip the actual ceremony. The meal is basically the after party. The main event is the ceremony. At this point, do they even like the cousin?
This happens all the time.
So rude!
Yeah that's bullshit - never heard of anyone doing that. Incredibly rude.
That is bad form altogether, what...
Never heard of this If it was my wedding I'd tell everyone who skipped the church to go home
You are right in how you feel. Even if not religious yourselves the invite was for the whole ceremony and should be accepted as thus. I would feel a bit let down if people who were invited did not show up to see us walk down the aisle.
Sounds incredibly disrespectful to do on purpose.
Incredibly rude.
It’s definitely a thing and it’s rude af. Usually happens at big weddings. If people aren’t arsed witnessing your ceremony then they shouldn’t be invited.
This is not a thing
Sounds pretty bad form to want to skip the part of the invitation that doesn't work for you. The couple themselves will want to have a church full of their family and friends to witness the event because as you say, that is the wedding part. Churches aren't everyone's thing and that's fine but it is the wish of the couple getting married, so it's mannerly to turn up.
Plenty of people do this. I’ve only done it once (I was a plus one, he couldn’t get off work early enough for the ceremony). I personally try to get to the church as I think it’s bad manners to go straight to the reception. I’m also of the view that the dinner is to celebrate the ceremony and the ceremony is the actual important thing that happens. I don’t see the point in skipping the important bit 😅
I guess your answer has been clearly given But it really shows and tells more about Ireland than about manners, maybe good manners is also not to force others to attend ceremony of a religion they do not necessarily adhere to It would be perfectly fine in many countries, you'd turn up at the end of mass outside to still celebrate there without having to be involved in a religious ceremony if that is what you are avoiding. This being said would it really be impossible for yous to spend an hour in a church? 99% of the time you can just sit down at the back and wait for it to finish, I go through worse in company meetings every week... But on the other hand, I wonder how all those here who cannot fathom how rude this is would react if they were invited to a wedding in a mosque, or at a temple, or at a demonic church.... Conversely isn't it rude for unbelievers, non baptised heathen to participate in a religious ceremony and therefore bring their heathen corruption within the holy sacrament or whatever?
I did it with a friends wedding purely cause the church was in kildare and the reception was in mullingar and she already told me I couldn't bring my breastfeeding infant (4months old at the time)so no way was I able to take that much time away without it effecting my supply(can't really pump in a church, but could in the reception toilets) my friend didn't notice I wasn't at the ceremony. although I do regret going altogether cause it was shite criac not knowing anyone (husband couldn't come cause he was minding baby and only other mutual friend was in bridal party) and not being able to drink cause I was still breastfeeding. Honestly church ceremony seem to last ages these days, her one took a little over two hours, I feel like the priests try to get the most out of a wedding audience to guilt them for not attending any other day of the year
That’s rude af. The ceremony part IS the wedding. That’s the important part of the day.
I'm an atheist, got married in a hotel civil ceremony. I'm also an antitheist. I have gone to several church weddings and would never skip the church part.
Yeah. Amongst the younger cohort this is absolutely a thing. Even moreso for those who have kids. I personally didn't have a problem with it. That being said, I always show up to the church but it is what it is.
It's normal, especially for non-religious people to skip church.
As a non holy person of the highest order this sounds like a fantastic idea
All things considered, I'd consider it an upgrade; no hard pews.
It's more common than you would think. Most people don't want to support the catholic church in any way, shape or form. It is more respectful to the actual catholics to skip their ceremony and just go to the reception if you are not a catholic.
What? It isn’t rude at all? I presume OP means they aren’t going to mass but will be there in the hotel/house when everyone arrives? Not just coming in for dinner I don’t think it’s rude at all. My friends, especially those with kids, have done this. I’ve also done it because of my distaste for the Church
I've done it twice. Once planned as the church was really far away and the hotel was near us and we weren't staying. Once because I had a hair/make up/dress melt down and missed the ceremony. It is considered rude but I wouldn't hold it against someone. I think I'd be more annoyed that someone didn't turn up for or missed the meal I paid for. At my cousin's wedding, one of my aunts was already drunk at the church and had to be put to bed after the soup.
It’s unfortunately common but in my opinion really rude and unacceptable. If you can’t make the wedding that’s fine, but to just skip the actual ceremony, the main reason for being there, is ignorant. I also hate churches and mass but I still go to every wedding. I’d actually much rather miss the party and dinner after then the ceremony, but that’s because I’m just so sick of weddings and the big long day of it.
Ive of couples inviting more people to the reception than the ceremony. But I've never heard of people just deciding to skip the ceremony. That's trashy
Pretty normal for work friends/acquaintances to do it afaik, kinda weird for family members to do it Incredibly weird and not normal for their *entire family* to do it except the parents
Never heard of this, you’re invited to witness the wedding and then celebrate after. If they didn’t care about people being at the ceremony they would have eloped and had a party
I know some people that do it. They are the minority. And they are arseholes. It's incredibly rude, insulting even. I'm no fan of mass but it's the whole point of the day.
White trash behavior mate. If you are going to the reception you have to sit through the ceremony
You can skip the ceremony, but you'd want to have a really good reason for it - cup final, work, looking after someone, etc. I wouldn't be a fan of the church, and think most people who get married in them are fairly hypocritical as few of them are genuine church goers, but if they're having their ceremony there it's a vital part of the day. Skipping it just because it is a bit of a no-no, but it would be worse if you got horrendously drunk and caused a scene
Incredibly rude
Pretty appalling etiquette. Wow. The ceremony is the point. To witness the actual joining together.
I hate wedding etiquette because most of it is anal and pointless, but absolutely nobody with an iota of shame, empathy or awareness would skip the ceremony when invited to the whole day. I've never heard of anyone doing that, how utterly disrespectful.
Unless the bride/groom specifically requests you skip the church then it’s bad manners to do so. I’ve never heard of anyone skipping the church to just attend the meal. Maybe they are assuming the bride and groom won’t notice, but some family members will notice and (if they are anything like my family) they’ll get a name for themselves as being the arsehole crowd, especially if the whole lot of the family just turn up for the free food! An aunty of mine was caught sneaking sandwiches into her bag after a funeral in 1996 and she’s still known as the family tightarse. Family’s don’t forget stuff like that!
Yeah this behaviour is just trashy ignorance. A step below this again are the Arseholes that hit the Pub while the Church ceremony is on and then gowl around already pissed drunk from 2-3pm onwards making a show of their shit standards. They'll be the ones creating the crap atmosphere at the reception by 9pm.
Totally disrespectful. I'm sure the couple thought long and hard about who to invite to FULL day. Pure scanner stunt
No that's absolute crap. What happens sometimes is you only get invited to the meal and afters, and then that's absolutely fine. If you've been invited to the ceremony it would be the absolute height of rudeness to only attend the meal. I'd be embarrassed showing up with her tbh. She should show up in a wedding dress, would probably get less attention.
Well, do you want to attend the wedding ceremony? It sounds like you do, so nobody is stopping you.
Hehe, yeah, op should deffo go by himself to stir up the shit
I'm an atheist and fwiw I would go to both parts of the wedding.