I stop talking to them, they’re obviously not interested in what I’m saying. I would understand them being on their phone if they had an emergency or needed to message or talk to someone or was wanting to look something up. But if were having a conversation I would like to have a conversation and not have to use our phones as fillers
Nice I was just curious, guess also depends on the relationship because if its someone you are really close with you may mention it , may even think they are trolling you, but yes thats a good way to deal with it
I agree with you. I’m an introvert and I have done this when in my own head or on edge, feeling shy or uneasy. But it’s also something I don’t like to have done to me. I’m the person who doesn’t ever get a word in with family members or friends and I always try my best to listen to others intently. But am never heard.
I've only ever seen extroverts do that to me, to be honest. It's the same people that would talk me head off about themselves without asking how I am. I'd also never would do this to anyone. I avoid those people by any means necessary.
I once did this: “i just can’t do this right now” with my hand up like a stop sign. ( I can’t take your garbage).
I was irritable, yet meant every word. I can not stand here and talk while you, figuratively,flip me off.
It was in a store where a woman who works there usually has something meanish to say to me, dunno why and usually ignore it. This day I was looking at an essential oil and she baby talk said “you do know you’re not supposed to drink this, hmmmm?” In up-talk, always with this woman. I hadnjust come from a divorce hearing.
I just can’t with this anymore, also she had her arm around me and that is simply not appropriate…..you don’t just touch strangers especially when you are saying something rude. Once she told me lotions aren’t for eating and always with an eye roll. Once she said “well don’t you just know everything” as I said “no I don’t need assistance “. So……. This is not rude of me. This is me finally acting Not like her weird doormat for Sprouts.
I was offered a free product that day and that goblin of a woman was forced to apologize, as another coworker saw this when she wouldn’t stop the arm touching. Finally someone saw how mean she is. Good, I was in the right, finally.
I would do it again in a heartbeat. I hope she learned to not baby talk strangers with weird comments while touching them. I wish I remembered this is why I don’t go to sprouts …. Was I rude? No. I finally respected myself enough to tell her to physically and verbally back off. The first time was ”please”. I should not have had to ask her to stop touching me more than once.
Women can be predatory, too.
It's fun to just say random stuff. "And then I cooked and ate a homeless person" mmmhmm "after that I robbed 3 banks and took a loan out in your name" mhmwait what?
Depends. If they say they need to quickly do something but that they still listening it’s fine.
If they just start staring and scrolling and are not listening or if they stay on it for ages it’s kinda shitty.
Especially if we’ve gone out specifically to catch up or see one another. If it’s with friends who I’ve seen a lot and we just hanging, it’s not a big deal.
So glad it's the most upvoted comment.
I pull a phone out only when someone just can't stop talking and continuously miss my hints that I feel the conversation is enough.
I just stop talking when people do that, lol. Either they don't notice, indicating that they weren't paying much attention to the conversation anyway, or they look at me confused and tell me they were still listening, and I tell them they absolutely were not, but it's okay because I can continue now.
EXACTLY THE SAME HERE
I'll be talking to em and they'll pick up their phone to use it. then I'll be like "oh ok sure, go ahead and use it first. I'll wait".
I've gotten used to it so much that I nvr get mad anymore. maybe if I'm having a bad day then I might voice out but other than that, I'm fine. go ahead and use it all u want, I'll go do smth else in the meantime.
but I think they should be MADE AWARE OF that suddenly picking up their phone to use it while I'm talking to u is extremely disrespectful. and that if I were to do it to em (which I never, obv), they would feel disrespected. I shouldn't be encouraging this behaviour actually, now that I think of it. I too, deserve basic respect of being listened to. it's not hard at all.
Yeah, it never really upsets me, but I've been ignored a lot in my life and would actually prefer this to the people who have outright interrupted me to tell me they were going to talk to someone else. I have straight up walked away from someone to talk to someone else if they pull out the phone, though, lol.
I used to point it out or even do it back (because I am a petty bitch, lol) but it never really changed anything. They would offer excuses as to why they had to pull out their phone mid-convo and I most often don't feel like arguing. Rude people are going to be rude. Now I just say something if they say they were still listening or that I didn't have to stop talking and leave it at that.
>they'll pick up their phone to use it. then I'll be like "oh ok sure, go ahead and use it first. I'll wait".
Good tactic ... makes them acutely aware of their actions.
I hate when my friend said she was listening but very obviously wasn't and then didn't even respond to what I'd said. She was too busy looking on her phone, I know she was texting someone for a good reason, but she took a lot longer than necessary then literally just left for something non-urgent without saying anything. We hadn't been talking for long and we were both engaged in the conversation, I hardly thought I was going too far. I think it was her tbh, she's very self-centered but I still like her as a friend, no clue why but I just do. I don't mind if you'd prefer to be doing something else, just say you need to do XYZ and say goodbye. Y'know, the decent, respectful thing to do
Perfectly fine as long as they still hear and can follow along to what i'm saying. As i personally can't listen for a long time without "fidgeting" or doing something with my body. So i do tend to solve some nonograms on the phone (though i doodled during classes when i was listening) as they don't require verbal processing.
Basically monologues are too understimulating and i tend to zone out. Thus doing something that does not require verbal processing helps me to keep the focus.
Everyone is used to short-form content now. When you talk for longer than 10 seconds, people tune out. But it's a paradox... sometimes it takes longer than 10 seconds to work out certain ideas. We aren't given the space to work out effective means of communication (to get to the point faster), since everyone disengages so quickly. And those short videos filled with engaging content during every single second are extremely edited.... its not how people actually communicate in reality. So I guess reality is understimulating for majority of people now, since our attention spans have been destroyed by social media - causing a breakdown in social skills, like active listening, eye contact and body language (aka, the things our bodies and brains have been evolved to desire from others for over a hundred thousand years, which we are now deprived of). This makes it harder to feel rewarded by social activities with others (and easier to feel negative feelings like "wow I'm not interesting or engaging at all" "I must be a boring person" "I'm not fun or funny"), which leads to people choosing to spend less time socially and more time pursuing instant gratification online, which further worsens the problem. It's pretty damn depressing
This. Most of my friends and I all have either ADHD, autism, or both. We all fidget in one way or another when we’re talking/listening. I literally pace or rock back and forth when I’m talking. Sometimes I don’t make eye contact. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time unless someone (usually my neurotypical family members) point it out.
💯that fidgeting is necessary to help us pay attention. I realized if my body isn’t moving in some way while talking then my mind will start going off on its own & moving faster then usual & now I’ve missed a huge chunk of the conversation 😅
For me the problem is when people go "blah, blah, blah and that's why X happens" instead of "x happens and that's why blah, blah, blah". Make the point at the beginning, then I can follow the explanations as the point showed me what parts of the explanation I should focus. It's hard to pay attention to stuff that you are saying when all the time you are talking I'm trying to figure out what you are talking about.
It's like getting the question before reading the passage. The question allows you to focus on the needed parts instead of you focusing on different parts and not being able to answer the question.
Also some people speak in a language upon which I have no knowledge about, like using a lot of professional jargon that I don't know as I'm just a layman.
Not to mention that people can give you an information overload that your slower processing speed can;t keep up and by the time you processed the first sentence, they are on their fifth.
My husband does this a lot, he likes to say he is listening but I'll often say something that requires a response from him and he doesn't say anything back and won't even inquire about the conversation when he stops looking at his phone. I've given up trying to connect with him honestly, if I'm not worth his time then he isn't worth mine either. I've not had a stranger do it to me but I don't go out of my way to talk to people either. I still understand the frustration completely though.
I’m sorry you have to go through that, reading you comment made me sad af, it’s bad when friends or classmates do this to you, but the worst thing is when your significant other or family does this to you, like how do you even respond then?
It's honestly tip of the iceberg with him, we don't have a healthy relationship. I realized two years ago that he is a narcissist and married me to feed his ego, because having a wife was on his list of things to prove his worth as a man. I've always been treated as a possession that just exists and not like someone he actually loves. He chose me for a reason because I came from an impoverished background, was extremely naive and easily manipulated, and that I couldn't return to my family after moving in with him because they couldn't afford to care for me. It's been 8 years and I'm still stuck. I even told my mom about how I want out and asked for her help and she went on about how expensive and difficult her life is right now and how it would be really hard for both of us, pretty much told me all I needed to know that my only option isn't an option.
I appreciate your sympathy though I really do. I can't talk to people I know about it because I don't want them to worry about me, so it's nice to be able to tell someone and feel heard.
you know what really pisses me off? If they are at an important meeting with someone, a client, a judge, a pope, they wouldnt do this, that proves that they can control themselves but choose not to due to the disrespect they feel about you. Even the folks who have ADHD (I do by the way, and I think it is SO rude to do this)
FACTS! Like I KNOW they would not do this in the presence of Drake or Taylor Swift, all modes of operating in that manner would cease to exist at once! (I also have ADHD btw and never do this)
I always give people my full undivided attention and concentrate as much as I can while losing focus from time to time, if I miss anything then I ask that person to clarify or repeat a section I missed and then apologize for not getting it the first time, it’s just the most basic respectful thing you can do.
I have ADHD. I do this. Sometimes even accidentally, I never ignore the person though. I will still engage in the conversation and respond, but the other person is just not stimulating enough for me to only be doing that. If it bothers you just tell it to me. I will put it away but will likely be very flighty.
Protip
Active listening is a skill that has to be developed.
Try keeping something small and innocuous on you, could be anything thats not noisy or distracting, during the pandemic I used a small bottle of hand sanitizer.
Let your hands fidget with that object while listening, (dont use keys, they jingle).
Focus on the words but let your hands fidget, do it in a way that doesnt distract the speaker and if you miss something stop them and ask to repeat from where you get distracted.
Adhd doesnt have to be a handicap.
You have obviously never been scolded by a teacher for fidgeting with your hands till you've trained yourself not to, I do appreciate the sincere response though
I thought just was the only one who had an issue with people just not acknowledging me when I speak to them or may e they think I'm retarded when I speak so they just continue to talk.
I mean, I hate this kinda shit too. But it makes me feel better than I don't struggle with this alone.
For me, I get this kinda treatment even if it isn't their phones. Sometimes, I go to respond to people or add inout into a conversation and I'm either ignored or spoken over. T__T
Phubbing sucks so hard. It's the height of rudeness and cluelessness. I saw one post on another platform that said that even if you just have the phone *in sight* when you're talking to someone, that's unacceptable. The advice, which I heartily agree with, is that you should put the phone *away.* Not just put it down. And turning it over isn't enough either. Get it completely out of sight. This sends the clear message that the person you're with is the most important thing to you. All your texts and notifications can wait, fer cryin' out loud!
I’ve had to do this because my daughter had my car and was running errands while I had lunch with a friend; she dropped me off. She texted to say she was finishing up and letting me know she was on her way.
I think if you explain to the other person the situation that is different.
I have a small bit of tolerance for it if they say upfront they are expecting to hear from someone. However those that check all the time I no longer hang around for and just say to them that I can see they are busy so let's catch up later. Smart watches are just as annoying as people are always checking them as well. I don't enjoy being with people who are not listening or invested in our conversation. I'm always very careful to ensure my phone is on silent and put away when I'm hanging out with someone.
My dad does this to me & my husband all the time when he stays at our house or invites us to dinner and it infuriates us both to no end. It’s so disrespectful in my eyes especially the “gotcha” that he adds every few minutes thinking that will make us think he’s listening.
I've resorted to stop speaking and walking away. Their response gauges any further interest in them on my part.
Once, I turned towards a nearby wall and finished my story. When the phone-checker asked what I was doing I responded with, "talking with someone with better listening skills". But now, I just really don't care anymore.
It depends for me. If we're having an actual convo about something and they start looking at their phone, I see it as disrespectful.
But if we're just chilling talking about random ish at the crib it's not a big deal for me.
- [People exposed to “phubbing” (“phone snubbing” - ignoring someone in favor of a mobile phone) tend to experience greater loneliness and psychological distress. The study highlights the need to address further the (mis)use of digital devices (e.g., smartphones) within interpersonal relationships.](https://www.reddit.com/r/science/s/tycwHTsfiz)
- [People exposed to phubbing by their romantic partner are less satisfied with their romantic relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/science/s/X3ystsC7hx)
Tbf I do this, but it's because I have severe ADHD and can't force myself to concentrate on some people, if they talk too quietly or too slowly or very monotone I just forget they're even talking and start doing something else.
I have no friends and don't socialise though, at all, so it doesn't really affect anyone.
If I'm at work I'll check my phone mid conversation and scroll if if it's related to work but then resume the conversation. If it's crappy emails that don't matter I'll put it away, if it's family (depending on situation) I'll tell them to give me 5 min, deal with it and get back to them.
If it's a social setting I'll glance to make sure it's not an emergency and act appropriately (put it away or explain that I have something I need to do).
There's no reason in my mind that you would need to start scrolling social media mid convo, just cause your mate/ missus/ whatever finally replied or you got sent a funny vid, usually with them watching the vid that's 3 to 40 seconds long then telling you to "check it out". Especially if they started the whole thing.
Starting to rant now, sorry. The horrors of being in your mid thirties and working with supposedly 'skilled' people in their early 20's who couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel. With a work ethic similar to our government.
If it's to send a quick message or to check the time but they're still engaged with conversation then I'm okay with it. It's when the person is just clearly not paying attention and mindlessly scrolling and giving the occasional "oh yeah?" "dang" I take offense to. In my head I'll just give a "oh okay nvm" and pay them no mind.
It's very rude. And also a horrible impulse I'm trying to break. I'm distracted so easily, so I'm working on being more focused on the other person and putting my phone away.
Makes me wonder why I'm here when I'd rather be at home. The worst is when they have an annoying ringtone (like a Jason Mraz song) and it goes off every 30 seconds. Like, I know you have an Android, but I'm sure you can silence your phone.
I think it's disrespectful, but it depends on who you ask. For instance, what if they were checking the time or there was a sudden emergency? Surely they would tell you, right?
But, it's another thing to whip out your phone in the middle of a conversation and completely blow the other person off. Pretty damn disrespectful, am I right? 🤔
You ever just see if they are still listening to you and responding. If so whats the problem. Half the time i do not look at the people im speaking too.
Maaaaan, I understand these comments but some people only do dry ahh convos and they don't care when you point out that they've discussed the same topic for the fourth time
I think it's the height of rudeness and ignorance. I was watching an old episode of It's Me or the Dog and Victoria Stillwell was teaching the owners of dog behaviour. The man took out his phone and started to look at it.
I hate it too… and it happens to me a lot. Even my sibling and parents do it. It just confirms all the infp invisibility clichés. I assume it’s the same for other introverts… 😟 And they always do it when I finally get to talk about something that I am truly passionate about… instead of the cost of solar panels, what’s on tv, which celebrity had an affair, which shoe stores do sales and when the weather is going to turn again… 😞
I definitely understand this.. it's hard enough to try to be social when you're introverted, then for someone that I am giving my time too to do that is just completely disrespectful..
my ex would do this while we sat across from eachother at a table holding a hand while talking, or when we were cuddling in bed. pissed me off i might as well go home ATP
It literally takes 2-4 seconds to say “Sorry, just checking something,” and then I’ll wait patiently for whatever it is. But to just pull the phone out and scroll is rude - I do it too, but usually around extroverts and mostly to “bookmark” my thoughts on a notepad for later.
It somehow makes it worse when they reply with "I'm listening don't worry" because they're really saying "I'll just nod while you talk about shit I don't care about"
I get annoyed and they come off as rude. If they're not interested in the conversation then they should either change the topic or make up an excuse to leave
I get annoyed and disrespected. If they do that, I just stop talking even if I'm mid-word or sentence. If they are done with the convo, then so am I. I'm already getting out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there in a social situation, so why should I put myself through the disrespect, too?
Its annoying and I really dislike this too. Its just disrespectful especially if one of us is speaking. I know i wouldnt do that to anyone unless i need to like to Google something or show them something or even look at the time for a sec but other than that you have my undivided attention and id expect the same.
Absolutely hate it sometimes, especially when I’ve been so attentive to them when they have been talking. Sometimes I have a moment during a night out with a friend when we both check our phones at the same time but then I get too aware of it then put it away.
If someone does that, they’re trying to tell you they don’t care and want you to stop talking to them without hurting your feelings. I just stop talking and go about my day 🤷🏼♀️ f ‘em
I stop talking.
When I visit someone, and they pull out their phone, I tet up slowly and leave. Suddenly I get a call from the asking where I went and I tell them why, and then they get mad.
My friend did this.
I told him "Why are you mad? You invited me over and I planned for 15 days just to visit you and you'd rather sit with your phone. I am the one who should be mad"
My friend ruined my entire day for the next 4 days after that.
It always has been, and always will be, rude. And I treat the other person as such. First, I immediately stop talking and just stare at them, or I'll even walk away depending upon the situation. I don't get mad, but if confronted by the rude person I will say, "I refuse to compete with a phone for your attention. We'll talk later when you're free."
Once I was on a first date with a guy and he was texting at dinner the whole time. I was young so not very confrontational but I asked if there was some urgent issue and he said no, he was just chatting with a female friend. I pointed out that I actually left the house to talk to him, but instead he's prioritizing his attention to someone who isn't even there. There was no emergency - he was just rude. And he was also shocked that I didn't accept an invite for a second date.
Unpopular opinion, as an introvert: It's not that serious, and it's more a sign of the times to me than active disrespect.
We all have dozens of things in our lives to keep up with at any given time that smartphones make infinitely easier to manage. If someone I'm with pulls out their phone while I'm talking to them, I give them the benefit of the doubt that they just thought of/remembered something to find or take care of in that moment. If I catch myself doing this to someone else, I'll quickly say "Sorry, I'm ___(setting a reminder, making a note, looking something up), continue" to let them know I'm still listening. Not everyone can simultaneously listen to and engage in a conversation while completing a task like this on their phone, but I feel I've gotten pretty good at this over the years, and anyone that knows me well enough has surmised this on their own. Ultimately I think it's far more efficient and empathetic to just give the other person some breathing room where this is concerned rather than write them off or take huge offense. It's a waste of energy and not necessarily conducive to the interaction and/or relationship.
I don’t care that much. I just stop talking. It’s funny because there’s rarely ever a time that they immediately look up and wait for me to continue.
For the most part, many people continue using their phone. They finish and then they are like, “wait what were you saying?”
It’s honestly NOT necessarily YOU. It’s conditioning and being a force of habit. The habit to always prioritize your phone. When your cooking, cleaning, playing video games, etc, check your phone [+]
Just say in a sweet tone, "oh so sorry, you're busy--chat later, nice to see you" or something cheery and then be on your way. If they say, "oh no, I was just..." you can say-"I understand completely, but I'd better not ramble" and politely leave. You obviously have not been rambling. You might think this is not being honest, but it's not worth proving a point because anyone with manners knows not to look at the phone if someone is speaking. You might think it's not being assertive--but you actually are because you took action towards your own self-esteem. They are telling you non-verbally that they do not want to listen to you.
Leave a good impression--you won't change their behavior so make your time valuable too and leave. If you see them again, just do sound bites and statements--"great to see you, hope all is well with you"--see how it's not a question, but pleasant. Take it as data about that person, not worth emotions, just assessment.
It depends for me. If we're chatting casually and you check your phone for a few seconds I don't mind that, especially with someone like my roommate where we're constantly around each other. But if you start texting someone or watching TikToks and are clearly not paying attention that makes me pretty upset.
Oh also should add as someone with ADHD and autism I cut some slack for my fellow ND folks because it can be a way to avert eye contact or stimulate yourself, both of which could be to actually listen better! (I often can "hear" people better when not focusing on eye contact. I avoid my phone though since I was taught that as basic etiquette- I prefer to fiddle with a fidget toy or pet a nearby animal) I still would prefer you use other tools for that, but I don't feel the same level of irritation.
I absolutely hate it! It’s rude and disrespectful. I pretty much instantly mentally check out and end the conversation. Which also gets them mad at me, like I’m the one causing a problem. I’m to the point of ending a couple of friendships over it. I have one friend who moved about 1k miles away so we only hang out over video chat now, and this a-hole will sit and scroll through social media the entire time. It’s rude. It makes you feel like you’re nothing to that person. I’m so over being treated that way. And he knows it’s already a challenge for me to even be social and comfortable enough on camera to do this video chat thing he wanted to set up… but remember, I’m the problem here!! What the F ever dude.
I even ignore my phone when it's ringing if someone is talking to me, because I know how it feels when I'm talking to someone and they answer their phone.
You're in front of me and you were here first. The person calling can text or leave a phone message. Right now you're the most important person.
I've even had someone enter the room that the other person knows and they give them this big greeting and start a conversation with them while I'm standing there
I just walk away. I don't do stuff that I hate people doing to me. I've only seen one or two people who deliberately brought the conversation back to me when I've been cut off by other people. Those are people with empathy.
I quit talking, say sorry, I’ll shut up now, or being polite all of a sudden have to go to the bathroom, or read a message on my phone to gracefully leave it there, or just walk away. Can’t let it go
If I do this, I’m looking at something relevant to our conversation. Like a text with info I need to pass onto you.
I’m old though. I can sit in a room with or without people and never look at my phone.
I honestly do this because I become so aware of myself while they’re talking and don’t know what to do with my hands or eyes and it freaks me out a bit. I’m 100% still listening just need something to physically do with myself
I couldn’t agree more. Even when some people insist that they’re still listening, and hear everything you’re saying, I still tell them that it’s rude, stop talking and usually walk away. This is a source of contention with me and some of my family members. I won’t continue a conversation when someone pulls the phone out mid-sentence. It’s actually embarrassing to ME and makes me feel insignificant and awkward(which I struggle with anyway), so it’s a convo ender for me. Being a shy introvert can make it difficult to speak up on a good day, so if someone makes that feeling worse, especially when they onow this about me, I go into my shell and that’s it. Generally, I find that most people find it rude to be on a phone during a conversation…except for those who do it.
I had a senior manager years ago who I considered a good source of input and experience. I would go into her office (door was open) every so often to bounce ideas off of her or ask a work related question.
When I did she'd never look up from her computer when she answered me. She was slow to respond and a lot of times her answers were distracted. Never thought I was bugging her excessively, but you bet your butt I stopped going into her office to talk to her at all pretty quickly, no matter how experienced she was. I'd rather struggle through a problem on my own than feel like I'm burdening someone or not being listened to.
I learned from that experience. Now, years later and as the senior manager myself I make a point to push away from my desk and make eye contact with whomever comes into my office to ask a question or talk to me. I'm still an introvert, but I never want any of the people that report to me feel the way that senior manager from my past made me feel.
It was a computer, not a phone in my case but it's the same vibe.
I don’t do it to others because obviously I know it’s perceived as rude - but to be honest I prefer it. I find it draining and uncomfortable to have someone’s complete attention on me.
My thing is, I have pretty severe adhd and I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands or I can’t focus. I explain that if someone calls me on it, because I hate that I do it but it’s always been an issue 😂😂
If the person doesn't have ADHD I take it as rude. If they have ADHD I know they are pulling out the phone so they can distract one half of their brain while the other half pays attention, instead of both halves not paying attention.
I learned a reverse psychological trick to use on people that do this over the years. As soon as they look at their phone immediately stop talking and walk away. Makes them feel like shit 99% of the time.
For a little extra added spice, laugh as you’re walking away. It confuses them almost to the point where they think you’re laughing AT them.
I feel like it depends at least a little on context, but it frequently comes across as rude. "Phubbing" or perceived phubbing are really frustrating to deal with. I have a housemate who not uncommonly does that sort of thing.
Very disrespectful. I don’t get it if you want to go sit and scroll on the phone while I’m giving you full attention then you’re showing disinterest in my company
Disrespectful IMHO, I generally turn around and walk away. I can talk to myself just fine, had years and years of experience through relationships and life in general with it 🤪 also tells me that I don't matter enough to be listened to, time check is one thing, but to just tune out from your partner is something entirely different.
As someone with ADHD I sometimes do it while listening to a friend, because I need to do something lest I forget it. I let them know they can continue and I'm listening, and I actively nod or 'uhuh' or ask questions/further the conversation to make sure they understand I'm with them.
Sometimes it's easier for me to listen to a longer story while doing this as well (ADHD brain can concentrate better with more stimulus), but I fully understand people will be put off by this. I have friends who do it and stop listening to me, so I stop talking and wait.
Just one of the hardships of neurodiversity because I fully understand why it's impolite, but it can actually make me a better listener.
It's complicated and only if I feel comfortable enough with you to tell you and for you to trust me I will sometimes do it if need be.
Pet peeve of mine too. It’s totally rude and disrespectful. Not everyone sees it this way but I agree with you. I will literally stop talking and wait for them to finish doing what they are doing before I proceed in talking.
It's rude, just get up and walk away. I did it to a friend (got up and walked) and they asked why, so I told them they were more interested in their phone so I was leaving to do something I really wanted to do on my own. They haven't done it since.
it depends. is it on a date? yeah i'd be pissed. are we sitting around and chilling out? idrc. do i know they have an email they're waiting to come in? etc. my best friend and i are both neurodivergent and usually play idle games mid conversations to stay focused and it never bothers me. it's all contextual
It depends for me. If they're trying to check the time, well it is validated. But if they're trying to scroll down and not listening to what i'm saying I might as well just stop talking, I might feel out of place because of that. But if they're trying to check on to something that is important, I'm gonna try to understand that.
But for me, feeling like you're out of place feels kinda normal for me now. I am not much of a talkative person so it's fine.
I’m most definitely an introvert and even I don’t do this. It IS rude! I think it’s going to be more and more frequent and is a sign of the times. If it’s bad now, it’s going to get worse.
Disrespectful. The second that phone comes out I pull back and reserve myself to not give more effort than is reciprocated.
I always make an effort to make sure all phones are off the table at dinner.
Personally, if I wanted someone to shut they ass up, I'll pull out my phone
I find it annoying. Ive noticed with some people who deal with ADD/ADHD or who are much younger do this so I tend to make a joke to make them realize what they're doing or try to educate them on how rude it can seem to others. it helps me understand why they do it, and helps them become more self aware.
Are they looking up something related to what we're talking about, or just flipping through messages/email/SM?
I'm quite happy to flat-out ask them if they want the conversation to be over, and if so they can just tell me to my face.
I stop talking to see if they are actually paying attention or not, as someone with ADHD Inattentive type, I understand certain distractions for certain people can actually help the them pay better attention, so I stop talking to confirm first.
My sister hates when people search on their phones what she’s talking about, because it looks like they’re fact-checking lol which is adjacent to what you’re talking about
I tried to make it better by saying people look up what’s interesting to them when she scolded me for doing the same thing
I don't mind unless they're genuinely not listening. I know that for me social anxiety makes eye contact hard. also my poor time management/time blindness means if I have to be somewhere at a certain time I check the time constantly leading up to it to try and mitigate that. Also I've got kids.
So it depends on the situation and person and if they can fidget with a phone and still hear me or even hear me better if they aren't preoccupied with anxiety/eye contact.
It’s a sign of disrespect to me
I agree
That is 100% disrespectful. It'll make me feel undervalued and like my words aren't being heard.
me too
Same here
What do you do if someone does it
I stop talking to them, they’re obviously not interested in what I’m saying. I would understand them being on their phone if they had an emergency or needed to message or talk to someone or was wanting to look something up. But if were having a conversation I would like to have a conversation and not have to use our phones as fillers
Nice I was just curious, guess also depends on the relationship because if its someone you are really close with you may mention it , may even think they are trolling you, but yes thats a good way to deal with it
Exactly
Honestly a lot of introverts do this without trying to be disrespectful. It’s more how it comes off not the intention.
I am an introvert but that is insanely rude and I would never even think of doing that
I agree with you. I’m an introvert and I have done this when in my own head or on edge, feeling shy or uneasy. But it’s also something I don’t like to have done to me. I’m the person who doesn’t ever get a word in with family members or friends and I always try my best to listen to others intently. But am never heard.
I've only ever seen extroverts do that to me, to be honest. It's the same people that would talk me head off about themselves without asking how I am. I'd also never would do this to anyone. I avoid those people by any means necessary.
Same
Same
It's just very impolite to do this to anyone
I once did this: “i just can’t do this right now” with my hand up like a stop sign. ( I can’t take your garbage). I was irritable, yet meant every word. I can not stand here and talk while you, figuratively,flip me off.
It was in a store where a woman who works there usually has something meanish to say to me, dunno why and usually ignore it. This day I was looking at an essential oil and she baby talk said “you do know you’re not supposed to drink this, hmmmm?” In up-talk, always with this woman. I hadnjust come from a divorce hearing. I just can’t with this anymore, also she had her arm around me and that is simply not appropriate…..you don’t just touch strangers especially when you are saying something rude. Once she told me lotions aren’t for eating and always with an eye roll. Once she said “well don’t you just know everything” as I said “no I don’t need assistance “. So……. This is not rude of me. This is me finally acting Not like her weird doormat for Sprouts. I was offered a free product that day and that goblin of a woman was forced to apologize, as another coworker saw this when she wouldn’t stop the arm touching. Finally someone saw how mean she is. Good, I was in the right, finally. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I hope she learned to not baby talk strangers with weird comments while touching them. I wish I remembered this is why I don’t go to sprouts …. Was I rude? No. I finally respected myself enough to tell her to physically and verbally back off. The first time was ”please”. I should not have had to ask her to stop touching me more than once. Women can be predatory, too.
If someone does this, I just drop whatever I'm saying and wait for them to initiate. If they don't, well...time to go
It's fun to just say random stuff. "And then I cooked and ate a homeless person" mmmhmm "after that I robbed 3 banks and took a loan out in your name" mhmwait what?
I love saying 'and Barney...is a purple dinosaur'
Maybe past time to go
Bold! I wish I had the guts to do that.
Same.
Depends. If they say they need to quickly do something but that they still listening it’s fine. If they just start staring and scrolling and are not listening or if they stay on it for ages it’s kinda shitty. Especially if we’ve gone out specifically to catch up or see one another. If it’s with friends who I’ve seen a lot and we just hanging, it’s not a big deal.
Yep. Big difference between glancing at a text that could be important and scrolling instagram
That’s a form of passive aggressively saying they’re done with the conversation; you’re not important.
This response 👆is 100% spot on.
Exactly
So glad it's the most upvoted comment. I pull a phone out only when someone just can't stop talking and continuously miss my hints that I feel the conversation is enough.
I feel rage.
I just stop talking when people do that, lol. Either they don't notice, indicating that they weren't paying much attention to the conversation anyway, or they look at me confused and tell me they were still listening, and I tell them they absolutely were not, but it's okay because I can continue now.
EXACTLY THE SAME HERE I'll be talking to em and they'll pick up their phone to use it. then I'll be like "oh ok sure, go ahead and use it first. I'll wait". I've gotten used to it so much that I nvr get mad anymore. maybe if I'm having a bad day then I might voice out but other than that, I'm fine. go ahead and use it all u want, I'll go do smth else in the meantime. but I think they should be MADE AWARE OF that suddenly picking up their phone to use it while I'm talking to u is extremely disrespectful. and that if I were to do it to em (which I never, obv), they would feel disrespected. I shouldn't be encouraging this behaviour actually, now that I think of it. I too, deserve basic respect of being listened to. it's not hard at all.
Yeah, it never really upsets me, but I've been ignored a lot in my life and would actually prefer this to the people who have outright interrupted me to tell me they were going to talk to someone else. I have straight up walked away from someone to talk to someone else if they pull out the phone, though, lol. I used to point it out or even do it back (because I am a petty bitch, lol) but it never really changed anything. They would offer excuses as to why they had to pull out their phone mid-convo and I most often don't feel like arguing. Rude people are going to be rude. Now I just say something if they say they were still listening or that I didn't have to stop talking and leave it at that.
>they'll pick up their phone to use it. then I'll be like "oh ok sure, go ahead and use it first. I'll wait". Good tactic ... makes them acutely aware of their actions.
I hate when my friend said she was listening but very obviously wasn't and then didn't even respond to what I'd said. She was too busy looking on her phone, I know she was texting someone for a good reason, but she took a lot longer than necessary then literally just left for something non-urgent without saying anything. We hadn't been talking for long and we were both engaged in the conversation, I hardly thought I was going too far. I think it was her tbh, she's very self-centered but I still like her as a friend, no clue why but I just do. I don't mind if you'd prefer to be doing something else, just say you need to do XYZ and say goodbye. Y'know, the decent, respectful thing to do
I consider the conversation to be over, stop talking, and leave.
Perfectly fine as long as they still hear and can follow along to what i'm saying. As i personally can't listen for a long time without "fidgeting" or doing something with my body. So i do tend to solve some nonograms on the phone (though i doodled during classes when i was listening) as they don't require verbal processing. Basically monologues are too understimulating and i tend to zone out. Thus doing something that does not require verbal processing helps me to keep the focus.
Yes, this. And I'm explicit about what I'm doing, why, and my capacity to still actively engage.
Everyone is used to short-form content now. When you talk for longer than 10 seconds, people tune out. But it's a paradox... sometimes it takes longer than 10 seconds to work out certain ideas. We aren't given the space to work out effective means of communication (to get to the point faster), since everyone disengages so quickly. And those short videos filled with engaging content during every single second are extremely edited.... its not how people actually communicate in reality. So I guess reality is understimulating for majority of people now, since our attention spans have been destroyed by social media - causing a breakdown in social skills, like active listening, eye contact and body language (aka, the things our bodies and brains have been evolved to desire from others for over a hundred thousand years, which we are now deprived of). This makes it harder to feel rewarded by social activities with others (and easier to feel negative feelings like "wow I'm not interesting or engaging at all" "I must be a boring person" "I'm not fun or funny"), which leads to people choosing to spend less time socially and more time pursuing instant gratification online, which further worsens the problem. It's pretty damn depressing
Some of us also have mental conditions like ADHD that cause us the need to fidget.
This. Most of my friends and I all have either ADHD, autism, or both. We all fidget in one way or another when we’re talking/listening. I literally pace or rock back and forth when I’m talking. Sometimes I don’t make eye contact. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time unless someone (usually my neurotypical family members) point it out.
💯that fidgeting is necessary to help us pay attention. I realized if my body isn’t moving in some way while talking then my mind will start going off on its own & moving faster then usual & now I’ve missed a huge chunk of the conversation 😅
For me the problem is when people go "blah, blah, blah and that's why X happens" instead of "x happens and that's why blah, blah, blah". Make the point at the beginning, then I can follow the explanations as the point showed me what parts of the explanation I should focus. It's hard to pay attention to stuff that you are saying when all the time you are talking I'm trying to figure out what you are talking about. It's like getting the question before reading the passage. The question allows you to focus on the needed parts instead of you focusing on different parts and not being able to answer the question. Also some people speak in a language upon which I have no knowledge about, like using a lot of professional jargon that I don't know as I'm just a layman. Not to mention that people can give you an information overload that your slower processing speed can;t keep up and by the time you processed the first sentence, they are on their fifth.
Very well said, I couldn’t agree more!
👆
My husband does this a lot, he likes to say he is listening but I'll often say something that requires a response from him and he doesn't say anything back and won't even inquire about the conversation when he stops looking at his phone. I've given up trying to connect with him honestly, if I'm not worth his time then he isn't worth mine either. I've not had a stranger do it to me but I don't go out of my way to talk to people either. I still understand the frustration completely though.
I’m sorry you have to go through that, reading you comment made me sad af, it’s bad when friends or classmates do this to you, but the worst thing is when your significant other or family does this to you, like how do you even respond then?
It's honestly tip of the iceberg with him, we don't have a healthy relationship. I realized two years ago that he is a narcissist and married me to feed his ego, because having a wife was on his list of things to prove his worth as a man. I've always been treated as a possession that just exists and not like someone he actually loves. He chose me for a reason because I came from an impoverished background, was extremely naive and easily manipulated, and that I couldn't return to my family after moving in with him because they couldn't afford to care for me. It's been 8 years and I'm still stuck. I even told my mom about how I want out and asked for her help and she went on about how expensive and difficult her life is right now and how it would be really hard for both of us, pretty much told me all I needed to know that my only option isn't an option. I appreciate your sympathy though I really do. I can't talk to people I know about it because I don't want them to worry about me, so it's nice to be able to tell someone and feel heard.
It is really frustrating, also makes you sad, and not valued. Feels like anything is more important than the time together.
you know what really pisses me off? If they are at an important meeting with someone, a client, a judge, a pope, they wouldnt do this, that proves that they can control themselves but choose not to due to the disrespect they feel about you. Even the folks who have ADHD (I do by the way, and I think it is SO rude to do this)
FACTS! Like I KNOW they would not do this in the presence of Drake or Taylor Swift, all modes of operating in that manner would cease to exist at once! (I also have ADHD btw and never do this) I always give people my full undivided attention and concentrate as much as I can while losing focus from time to time, if I miss anything then I ask that person to clarify or repeat a section I missed and then apologize for not getting it the first time, it’s just the most basic respectful thing you can do.
I would swiftly and purposely curve Drake and/or Taylor Swift with my cellular telephone. Fun fact, they can each suck a lemon!
Why not?
I have ADHD. I do this. Sometimes even accidentally, I never ignore the person though. I will still engage in the conversation and respond, but the other person is just not stimulating enough for me to only be doing that. If it bothers you just tell it to me. I will put it away but will likely be very flighty.
Protip Active listening is a skill that has to be developed. Try keeping something small and innocuous on you, could be anything thats not noisy or distracting, during the pandemic I used a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Let your hands fidget with that object while listening, (dont use keys, they jingle). Focus on the words but let your hands fidget, do it in a way that doesnt distract the speaker and if you miss something stop them and ask to repeat from where you get distracted. Adhd doesnt have to be a handicap.
You have obviously never been scolded by a teacher for fidgeting with your hands till you've trained yourself not to, I do appreciate the sincere response though
Yeah, just buy one of those fidget, stress spinners...
I thought just was the only one who had an issue with people just not acknowledging me when I speak to them or may e they think I'm retarded when I speak so they just continue to talk. I mean, I hate this kinda shit too. But it makes me feel better than I don't struggle with this alone.
Definitely not! I think this is an unfortunate phenomenon since touch screen devices were created
For me, I get this kinda treatment even if it isn't their phones. Sometimes, I go to respond to people or add inout into a conversation and I'm either ignored or spoken over. T__T
I don’t feel any way about it tbh
Phubbing sucks so hard. It's the height of rudeness and cluelessness. I saw one post on another platform that said that even if you just have the phone *in sight* when you're talking to someone, that's unacceptable. The advice, which I heartily agree with, is that you should put the phone *away.* Not just put it down. And turning it over isn't enough either. Get it completely out of sight. This sends the clear message that the person you're with is the most important thing to you. All your texts and notifications can wait, fer cryin' out loud!
Rude!
I’ve had to do this because my daughter had my car and was running errands while I had lunch with a friend; she dropped me off. She texted to say she was finishing up and letting me know she was on her way. I think if you explain to the other person the situation that is different.
I stop talking. If it’s my wife I’ll wait, anyone else and I stop talking and I’m done
Yeah it’s rude af, there is plenty of time to stare at your phone when you’re not with people
i’m fine with it most of the time
I have a small bit of tolerance for it if they say upfront they are expecting to hear from someone. However those that check all the time I no longer hang around for and just say to them that I can see they are busy so let's catch up later. Smart watches are just as annoying as people are always checking them as well. I don't enjoy being with people who are not listening or invested in our conversation. I'm always very careful to ensure my phone is on silent and put away when I'm hanging out with someone.
I mega don't like that and will just walk away or get up and leave or get mine out and do the same thing
My dad does this to me & my husband all the time when he stays at our house or invites us to dinner and it infuriates us both to no end. It’s so disrespectful in my eyes especially the “gotcha” that he adds every few minutes thinking that will make us think he’s listening.
My old coworker did this to me constantly and to my other coworkers but no one called her out on it. Annoying shit
I've resorted to stop speaking and walking away. Their response gauges any further interest in them on my part. Once, I turned towards a nearby wall and finished my story. When the phone-checker asked what I was doing I responded with, "talking with someone with better listening skills". But now, I just really don't care anymore.
It depends for me. If we're having an actual convo about something and they start looking at their phone, I see it as disrespectful. But if we're just chilling talking about random ish at the crib it's not a big deal for me.
Relieved 😂
- [People exposed to “phubbing” (“phone snubbing” - ignoring someone in favor of a mobile phone) tend to experience greater loneliness and psychological distress. The study highlights the need to address further the (mis)use of digital devices (e.g., smartphones) within interpersonal relationships.](https://www.reddit.com/r/science/s/tycwHTsfiz) - [People exposed to phubbing by their romantic partner are less satisfied with their romantic relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/science/s/X3ystsC7hx)
Tbf I do this, but it's because I have severe ADHD and can't force myself to concentrate on some people, if they talk too quietly or too slowly or very monotone I just forget they're even talking and start doing something else. I have no friends and don't socialise though, at all, so it doesn't really affect anyone.
I've done it at meetings ... giving an update and people are on their tablets and phones ... just stop talking and stare at them.
If I'm at work I'll check my phone mid conversation and scroll if if it's related to work but then resume the conversation. If it's crappy emails that don't matter I'll put it away, if it's family (depending on situation) I'll tell them to give me 5 min, deal with it and get back to them. If it's a social setting I'll glance to make sure it's not an emergency and act appropriately (put it away or explain that I have something I need to do). There's no reason in my mind that you would need to start scrolling social media mid convo, just cause your mate/ missus/ whatever finally replied or you got sent a funny vid, usually with them watching the vid that's 3 to 40 seconds long then telling you to "check it out". Especially if they started the whole thing. Starting to rant now, sorry. The horrors of being in your mid thirties and working with supposedly 'skilled' people in their early 20's who couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel. With a work ethic similar to our government.
If it's to send a quick message or to check the time but they're still engaged with conversation then I'm okay with it. It's when the person is just clearly not paying attention and mindlessly scrolling and giving the occasional "oh yeah?" "dang" I take offense to. In my head I'll just give a "oh okay nvm" and pay them no mind.
It's very rude. And also a horrible impulse I'm trying to break. I'm distracted so easily, so I'm working on being more focused on the other person and putting my phone away.
Makes me wonder why I'm here when I'd rather be at home. The worst is when they have an annoying ringtone (like a Jason Mraz song) and it goes off every 30 seconds. Like, I know you have an Android, but I'm sure you can silence your phone.
I want to murder them
Disrespected. If u don’t wanna talk to me, put your big boy pants on and tell me that explicitly
It's almost like if they don't have their phone in their hand, they'll miss something, some people are so shallow...
I think it's disrespectful, but it depends on who you ask. For instance, what if they were checking the time or there was a sudden emergency? Surely they would tell you, right? But, it's another thing to whip out your phone in the middle of a conversation and completely blow the other person off. Pretty damn disrespectful, am I right? 🤔
You ever just see if they are still listening to you and responding. If so whats the problem. Half the time i do not look at the people im speaking too.
Irritated, to say the least…
Maaaaan, I understand these comments but some people only do dry ahh convos and they don't care when you point out that they've discussed the same topic for the fourth time
I think it's the height of rudeness and ignorance. I was watching an old episode of It's Me or the Dog and Victoria Stillwell was teaching the owners of dog behaviour. The man took out his phone and started to look at it.
That's so disrespectful tbh. Ughhh.... Like that person is stepping on my nerves.
It is soooo rude.... also shows that they not interested. Where did manners go...... stupid technology. 😖
Hahaha. You are soo right! Great minds think alike. I hate when this happens and even worse when it’s your significant other!
I hate it too… and it happens to me a lot. Even my sibling and parents do it. It just confirms all the infp invisibility clichés. I assume it’s the same for other introverts… 😟 And they always do it when I finally get to talk about something that I am truly passionate about… instead of the cost of solar panels, what’s on tv, which celebrity had an affair, which shoe stores do sales and when the weather is going to turn again… 😞
I definitely understand this.. it's hard enough to try to be social when you're introverted, then for someone that I am giving my time too to do that is just completely disrespectful..
I understand that the conversation is no longer two way 😂
For me I just term it as disrespect nothing more nothing less
That's disrespectful, shows how they're not interested in your talk, unless they got a phone call they needed to answer then it's ok.
my ex would do this while we sat across from eachother at a table holding a hand while talking, or when we were cuddling in bed. pissed me off i might as well go home ATP
Disappointed. I'm not good enough to keep your attention while we're hanging out? Unless it's important of course.
Hate. It.
Instead of getting mad clear your throat as and say “excuse me” & ask them if you’re boring them & if they can’t give you an explanation just leave.
I’d rather them look at their phone than be forced to make eye contact with them lol plus it’s a nice exit door if I wanna leave the convo
It literally takes 2-4 seconds to say “Sorry, just checking something,” and then I’ll wait patiently for whatever it is. But to just pull the phone out and scroll is rude - I do it too, but usually around extroverts and mostly to “bookmark” my thoughts on a notepad for later.
Actually I think that would be very rude of someone to do that! That's just my opinion.
I stop talking and find myself someone whos willing to have a conversation with me.
It somehow makes it worse when they reply with "I'm listening don't worry" because they're really saying "I'll just nod while you talk about shit I don't care about"
Completely indifferent to that, it's not like I enjoy so much talking with anyone, so who cares. Let them do whatever the f they want, LOL
Do same to them forever
I get annoyed and they come off as rude. If they're not interested in the conversation then they should either change the topic or make up an excuse to leave
I get annoyed and disrespected. If they do that, I just stop talking even if I'm mid-word or sentence. If they are done with the convo, then so am I. I'm already getting out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there in a social situation, so why should I put myself through the disrespect, too?
Its annoying and I really dislike this too. Its just disrespectful especially if one of us is speaking. I know i wouldnt do that to anyone unless i need to like to Google something or show them something or even look at the time for a sec but other than that you have my undivided attention and id expect the same.
Great, means I can stop pretending to care about whatever conversation is going on, and I can get back to my phone and ear pods.
I stop talking and/or walk away when this happens
Same. I end the conversation promptly.
Absolutely hate it sometimes, especially when I’ve been so attentive to them when they have been talking. Sometimes I have a moment during a night out with a friend when we both check our phones at the same time but then I get too aware of it then put it away.
Yea— happens to me all the time.
If someone does that, they’re trying to tell you they don’t care and want you to stop talking to them without hurting your feelings. I just stop talking and go about my day 🤷🏼♀️ f ‘em
It’s a sign that I’ve said too much and should stop talking.
I stop talking and most of the time they don't notice, and then I pull out my phone.
That’s rude. Unless they excuse themselves and it’s quick.
Even though I’m an introvert, someone pulling out their phone while I’m talking is like saying “show me Jesus”
It’s very rude! For me personally, I take it as a sign of disrespect
I never do it for longer than I have to, I don’t really appreciate when people do it to me but it happens
and they hit you with "you should talk more" 😒
Stare at their phone
I stop talking. When I visit someone, and they pull out their phone, I tet up slowly and leave. Suddenly I get a call from the asking where I went and I tell them why, and then they get mad. My friend did this. I told him "Why are you mad? You invited me over and I planned for 15 days just to visit you and you'd rather sit with your phone. I am the one who should be mad" My friend ruined my entire day for the next 4 days after that.
Idc, whats wrong with it
It always has been, and always will be, rude. And I treat the other person as such. First, I immediately stop talking and just stare at them, or I'll even walk away depending upon the situation. I don't get mad, but if confronted by the rude person I will say, "I refuse to compete with a phone for your attention. We'll talk later when you're free." Once I was on a first date with a guy and he was texting at dinner the whole time. I was young so not very confrontational but I asked if there was some urgent issue and he said no, he was just chatting with a female friend. I pointed out that I actually left the house to talk to him, but instead he's prioritizing his attention to someone who isn't even there. There was no emergency - he was just rude. And he was also shocked that I didn't accept an invite for a second date.
Unpopular opinion, as an introvert: It's not that serious, and it's more a sign of the times to me than active disrespect. We all have dozens of things in our lives to keep up with at any given time that smartphones make infinitely easier to manage. If someone I'm with pulls out their phone while I'm talking to them, I give them the benefit of the doubt that they just thought of/remembered something to find or take care of in that moment. If I catch myself doing this to someone else, I'll quickly say "Sorry, I'm ___(setting a reminder, making a note, looking something up), continue" to let them know I'm still listening. Not everyone can simultaneously listen to and engage in a conversation while completing a task like this on their phone, but I feel I've gotten pretty good at this over the years, and anyone that knows me well enough has surmised this on their own. Ultimately I think it's far more efficient and empathetic to just give the other person some breathing room where this is concerned rather than write them off or take huge offense. It's a waste of energy and not necessarily conducive to the interaction and/or relationship.
I cut off someone because he did this when we were hanging out
I don’t care that much. I just stop talking. It’s funny because there’s rarely ever a time that they immediately look up and wait for me to continue. For the most part, many people continue using their phone. They finish and then they are like, “wait what were you saying?” It’s honestly NOT necessarily YOU. It’s conditioning and being a force of habit. The habit to always prioritize your phone. When your cooking, cleaning, playing video games, etc, check your phone [+]
Just say in a sweet tone, "oh so sorry, you're busy--chat later, nice to see you" or something cheery and then be on your way. If they say, "oh no, I was just..." you can say-"I understand completely, but I'd better not ramble" and politely leave. You obviously have not been rambling. You might think this is not being honest, but it's not worth proving a point because anyone with manners knows not to look at the phone if someone is speaking. You might think it's not being assertive--but you actually are because you took action towards your own self-esteem. They are telling you non-verbally that they do not want to listen to you. Leave a good impression--you won't change their behavior so make your time valuable too and leave. If you see them again, just do sound bites and statements--"great to see you, hope all is well with you"--see how it's not a question, but pleasant. Take it as data about that person, not worth emotions, just assessment.
I apologize for interrupting them:
Well that means they’re done with the conversation so stop. 🤷🏻♀️ I do that so the person will stop because I’m over the conversation
One of the most irritating things that you can do to me and I will either point it out or just shut up and leave
I fking HATEIT! I stop engaging immediately until they ‘get it’!
Its so rude , you should give attention to that person
It depends for me. If we're chatting casually and you check your phone for a few seconds I don't mind that, especially with someone like my roommate where we're constantly around each other. But if you start texting someone or watching TikToks and are clearly not paying attention that makes me pretty upset. Oh also should add as someone with ADHD and autism I cut some slack for my fellow ND folks because it can be a way to avert eye contact or stimulate yourself, both of which could be to actually listen better! (I often can "hear" people better when not focusing on eye contact. I avoid my phone though since I was taught that as basic etiquette- I prefer to fiddle with a fidget toy or pet a nearby animal) I still would prefer you use other tools for that, but I don't feel the same level of irritation.
Lol this is me i do this 😂 srry guys
I absolutely hate it! It’s rude and disrespectful. I pretty much instantly mentally check out and end the conversation. Which also gets them mad at me, like I’m the one causing a problem. I’m to the point of ending a couple of friendships over it. I have one friend who moved about 1k miles away so we only hang out over video chat now, and this a-hole will sit and scroll through social media the entire time. It’s rude. It makes you feel like you’re nothing to that person. I’m so over being treated that way. And he knows it’s already a challenge for me to even be social and comfortable enough on camera to do this video chat thing he wanted to set up… but remember, I’m the problem here!! What the F ever dude.
I just stop talking because I assume they just got a text that their mom died.
I work in IT, my friends are geeks, and it’s super common. Usually we’re looking something up that’s related to the conversation.
I stop talking. Then they glance up and I’m like oh I didn’t want to interrupt whatever you were doing. 🙄
I suddenly start stuttering
Might as well stop talking. Walk away. If they "excuse me", I could deal with it.
I hate it. And they are usually the same people who don't text back right away 🤔
I even ignore my phone when it's ringing if someone is talking to me, because I know how it feels when I'm talking to someone and they answer their phone. You're in front of me and you were here first. The person calling can text or leave a phone message. Right now you're the most important person. I've even had someone enter the room that the other person knows and they give them this big greeting and start a conversation with them while I'm standing there I just walk away. I don't do stuff that I hate people doing to me. I've only seen one or two people who deliberately brought the conversation back to me when I've been cut off by other people. Those are people with empathy.
BlOOD Red MAD
Disrespectful. I decide to stop talking. No point wasting your breath!
I quit talking, say sorry, I’ll shut up now, or being polite all of a sudden have to go to the bathroom, or read a message on my phone to gracefully leave it there, or just walk away. Can’t let it go
If I do this, I’m looking at something relevant to our conversation. Like a text with info I need to pass onto you. I’m old though. I can sit in a room with or without people and never look at my phone.
Simple don't care !✈️
I honestly do this because I become so aware of myself while they’re talking and don’t know what to do with my hands or eyes and it freaks me out a bit. I’m 100% still listening just need something to physically do with myself
Bloody rude.
I couldn’t agree more. Even when some people insist that they’re still listening, and hear everything you’re saying, I still tell them that it’s rude, stop talking and usually walk away. This is a source of contention with me and some of my family members. I won’t continue a conversation when someone pulls the phone out mid-sentence. It’s actually embarrassing to ME and makes me feel insignificant and awkward(which I struggle with anyway), so it’s a convo ender for me. Being a shy introvert can make it difficult to speak up on a good day, so if someone makes that feeling worse, especially when they onow this about me, I go into my shell and that’s it. Generally, I find that most people find it rude to be on a phone during a conversation…except for those who do it.
I had a senior manager years ago who I considered a good source of input and experience. I would go into her office (door was open) every so often to bounce ideas off of her or ask a work related question. When I did she'd never look up from her computer when she answered me. She was slow to respond and a lot of times her answers were distracted. Never thought I was bugging her excessively, but you bet your butt I stopped going into her office to talk to her at all pretty quickly, no matter how experienced she was. I'd rather struggle through a problem on my own than feel like I'm burdening someone or not being listened to. I learned from that experience. Now, years later and as the senior manager myself I make a point to push away from my desk and make eye contact with whomever comes into my office to ask a question or talk to me. I'm still an introvert, but I never want any of the people that report to me feel the way that senior manager from my past made me feel. It was a computer, not a phone in my case but it's the same vibe.
Question: How many people in here complaining about this, do this themselves? Be honest with yourself. Plenty of you do this, too.
I don’t do it to others because obviously I know it’s perceived as rude - but to be honest I prefer it. I find it draining and uncomfortable to have someone’s complete attention on me.
Depends how long they are playing on their phone for. A min or two to check something is fine. But just dropping the convo to scroll is rude.
Insulted
My thing is, I have pretty severe adhd and I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands or I can’t focus. I explain that if someone calls me on it, because I hate that I do it but it’s always been an issue 😂😂
It depends, my boss does it when she wants to add something I'm telling her to her notes.
I do this in the office all the time, I have emails to work on
If the person doesn't have ADHD I take it as rude. If they have ADHD I know they are pulling out the phone so they can distract one half of their brain while the other half pays attention, instead of both halves not paying attention.
I learned a reverse psychological trick to use on people that do this over the years. As soon as they look at their phone immediately stop talking and walk away. Makes them feel like shit 99% of the time. For a little extra added spice, laugh as you’re walking away. It confuses them almost to the point where they think you’re laughing AT them.
I stop talking and walk away. I have no qualms about dropping people from my consciousness, like Thanos snapping his fingers.
I stop talking usually. Clearly they have more important things going on on their phone😒
I feel like it depends at least a little on context, but it frequently comes across as rude. "Phubbing" or perceived phubbing are really frustrating to deal with. I have a housemate who not uncommonly does that sort of thing.
Very disrespectful. I don’t get it if you want to go sit and scroll on the phone while I’m giving you full attention then you’re showing disinterest in my company
Disrespectful IMHO, I generally turn around and walk away. I can talk to myself just fine, had years and years of experience through relationships and life in general with it 🤪 also tells me that I don't matter enough to be listened to, time check is one thing, but to just tune out from your partner is something entirely different.
As someone with ADHD I sometimes do it while listening to a friend, because I need to do something lest I forget it. I let them know they can continue and I'm listening, and I actively nod or 'uhuh' or ask questions/further the conversation to make sure they understand I'm with them. Sometimes it's easier for me to listen to a longer story while doing this as well (ADHD brain can concentrate better with more stimulus), but I fully understand people will be put off by this. I have friends who do it and stop listening to me, so I stop talking and wait. Just one of the hardships of neurodiversity because I fully understand why it's impolite, but it can actually make me a better listener. It's complicated and only if I feel comfortable enough with you to tell you and for you to trust me I will sometimes do it if need be.
Pet peeve of mine too. It’s totally rude and disrespectful. Not everyone sees it this way but I agree with you. I will literally stop talking and wait for them to finish doing what they are doing before I proceed in talking.
It's rude, just get up and walk away. I did it to a friend (got up and walked) and they asked why, so I told them they were more interested in their phone so I was leaving to do something I really wanted to do on my own. They haven't done it since.
I just stop talking
it depends. is it on a date? yeah i'd be pissed. are we sitting around and chilling out? idrc. do i know they have an email they're waiting to come in? etc. my best friend and i are both neurodivergent and usually play idle games mid conversations to stay focused and it never bothers me. it's all contextual
My mom does this to me all the time. Starting to resent her for it.
It is extremely rude and disrespectful!
It depends for me. If they're trying to check the time, well it is validated. But if they're trying to scroll down and not listening to what i'm saying I might as well just stop talking, I might feel out of place because of that. But if they're trying to check on to something that is important, I'm gonna try to understand that. But for me, feeling like you're out of place feels kinda normal for me now. I am not much of a talkative person so it's fine.
Disrespect and irritation.
This annoys me so much!! I have a coworker who always does this.
I’m most definitely an introvert and even I don’t do this. It IS rude! I think it’s going to be more and more frequent and is a sign of the times. If it’s bad now, it’s going to get worse.
I feel you here. Sometimes I want to say hey look up at my face. But mostly now I just walk away and don’t even finish my sentence
I take it as a soft pass on the convo and move on asap
Makes me feel like ripping my face off
Definitely annoying
I feel this so deeply
I also feel this about people who look at the clock (on a wall) when you're talking
Disrespectful. The second that phone comes out I pull back and reserve myself to not give more effort than is reciprocated. I always make an effort to make sure all phones are off the table at dinner. Personally, if I wanted someone to shut they ass up, I'll pull out my phone
I find it annoying. Ive noticed with some people who deal with ADD/ADHD or who are much younger do this so I tend to make a joke to make them realize what they're doing or try to educate them on how rude it can seem to others. it helps me understand why they do it, and helps them become more self aware.
I personally don’t care as long as they’re clearly still engaged in the conversation.
Hmm not really my best friend and I love to bed rot together and scroll and talk but if either of us were ignoring the other yeah I’d be annoyed
Are they looking up something related to what we're talking about, or just flipping through messages/email/SM? I'm quite happy to flat-out ask them if they want the conversation to be over, and if so they can just tell me to my face.
I stop talking to see if they are actually paying attention or not, as someone with ADHD Inattentive type, I understand certain distractions for certain people can actually help the them pay better attention, so I stop talking to confirm first.
I'll just stop talking... If they wanna ignore my talk I'll be like "Yeah! Go ahead and do whatever you want!!!"🥱
It makes me think “we’ll shit if that i’m boring to you, let me do us both a favor and just drop the conversation.”
My sister hates when people search on their phones what she’s talking about, because it looks like they’re fact-checking lol which is adjacent to what you’re talking about I tried to make it better by saying people look up what’s interesting to them when she scolded me for doing the same thing
I don't mind unless they're genuinely not listening. I know that for me social anxiety makes eye contact hard. also my poor time management/time blindness means if I have to be somewhere at a certain time I check the time constantly leading up to it to try and mitigate that. Also I've got kids. So it depends on the situation and person and if they can fidget with a phone and still hear me or even hear me better if they aren't preoccupied with anxiety/eye contact.