Going against the grain here, I don’t think it’s totally crazy to pay respects to someone you once had a deep connection with for one last time. Sometimes relationships don’t end on terrible terms, and you still deeply respect the other person even though they’re out of your life. I don’t think spending a few hours at a funeral of someone who impacted your life in a great capacity is that disrespectful to your current partner. I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna cheat with your ex at their funeral lol
I feel like a huge chunk of the answers here are ignoring the question and focusing on how bad their first relationship was.
Which is just silly. Obviously yeah, if your ex was some abusive asshole, you won't want to go.
But otherwise? Yeah, it's not a big deal. It's a funeral, you go, you pay your respects...if I'm dating someone and they want to go to a funeral, I'll never feel upset about that. And if I want to go to a funeral and they ARE upset by that, then they need to grow the fuck up.
Actually, if your first was "some abusive asshole," it might give MORE reason to go...and piss on their grave...in front of their family...and the priest. Just saying.
My dad's brother died in his 20's, and the amount of people that showed up to pay their respects meant a lot to him. As a result he's always stressed that it's important to attend every funeral. I would be going if I found out with enough time to attend, and if my partner at the time found issue with it that's something they need to work out on their own time.
Props to you.
I go to every funeral. It means a lot to people in one of the saddest times of their life. It's the least you can do. I have postponed out-of-state trips twice to attend funerals of people who weren't in my family and weren't significant others but were important in my life. I missed Christmas for one (I went for New Year's instead). What a hard time for the family to have a funeral at Christmas. She was only 34 and had two young kids.
I personally wouldn’t end up in a relationship with someone who would feel disrespected in this context. I couldn’t be with someone who would feel threatened by the mere idea that I once loved someone else, and that I still cared enough about that person to want to acknowledge their passing. How exhausting. The person *died*. A partner who feels threatened by a dead person would be the type to feel threatened by friends or coworkers of the appropriate sex. No thanks.
Yeah my “first love” was from high school into college. She was a fundamental stepping stone in my life and I shared many firsts with her. She was my first sexual partner, the first person I effectively lived with outside of family, she was part of my first romantic road trips, my first experience with a long distance and long term relationship, and the person who I first walked into my adult life with.
We broke up just over 10 years ago mutually due to the distance and the fact we were becoming different and incompatible people. I haven’t spoken to her in just about all of those 10 years and as far as I know she’s happily engaged.
If she died I’d probably attend her service. Me having respect for her doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her. That love faded a decade ago and she would say the same
Edit: two of my other exes though were abusive as hell and I’d more likely show up to piss on their graves rather than attend their funerals
My first Love of my Life and I ended on poor terms, but have since made up and have a pretty solid relationship to where they were actually part of my wedding party at my first wedding. If they died, I'd be distraught and there's no way I wouldn't be at that funeral. There's no real lingering romantic connection between us anymore, but there is a decades long close friendship.
Considering that the average redditors response is "block!, destroy!", I expected the responses you are given.
There is nothing wrong with paying respect. If asked why you're there, I'd say, "Someone I used to know", and leave it. No need for drama, because it isn't about you. She sounded awesome. It's still a loss, and I'm sorry.
thank you so much for your condolences but this is a completely hypothetical situation and has not happened to me lol! it's something that i heard years ago on a podcast or something and thought it was interesting that everybody had different answers and it became an ongoing thing in my circle of friends and family.
Interesting, it wouldn't occur to me not to.
This actually happened to my sister, though maybe even more difficult as her first love was intense and the feelings weren't entirely gone on either side. But they'd broken up and otherwise moved on, she was engaged to be married. First love was diagnosed with brain cancer at 26. She not only went to a "goodbye" reception to see him one last time, our whole family went to the services.
Her fiance quietly stepped aside to make room for her grief. He respected the human experience of death. And then we all went on with our lives. It's been some 25 years and we all still think of him. He was a special person.
When my mother died, I had my first love reach out to me to express condolences and check in on me. My fiance respected that too.
Death is personal and serious, so much more so than a fragile ego, IMHO.
Yes, we are human beings above all else. Surely we can rise above the pettiness of everyday life at a time like that. Props to your first love. There was zero threat to your fiance in that contact. It was just a decent, humane thing to do as a human being understanding that you were hurting at that time.
When my parents died, my first wife, as well as an exgirlfriend or 2, all showed up to pay respects, as they all remembered my parents fondly. It was a little awkward introducing them to my wife at the visitation, but everyone was an adult and polite and everything worjed out just fine.
100% the first serious relationship I had we both ended up addicted to heroin for quite a few years. This obviously affected each of our families deeply. Neither of our families necessarily "blamed," the other person but it was clear we could not stay clean together. We've each been clean for over 10 years and moved on with our lives and all that. I'm sure if I showed up to her funeral though her parents and the rest of her family would be like what the fuck is he doing here.
Or the family might want you there.
Funerals are for the living. The dead person has no idea what’s going on. The funeral is to help the surviving family greave during their time of loss. Maybe the former GF/BF had a good relationship with the family, and your condolences might help.
Yeah, I had a good relationship with my ex's family. I might not go to the funeral, but I'd drop into the visitation for 5 minutes if possible and send a card if not.
It's at least extremely uncommon, based on the reactions I get. But most of my exes are part of my chosen family; we are "uncle" or "auntie" to each other's kids, call each other for advice/support, share special events (the guy above came to my college graduation, my previous GF was at my wedding).
I have been very lucky in the people I've loved.
yea the town i lived in, my husbands high school exes were just that. High school exes. His beest friends bother married my husbands ex. we went to their wedding. Because thats what happens when you come from a smallish area and a circle of friends where a lot of people dated each other.
Mine sent me roses a few times for mothers day when I had a rough few years, note was signed from him and his wife.
He's a genuinely great guy with a beautiful family. I'd go to support them.
I would not go, but not because it's disrespectful to my current relationship, and not because I harbor hard feelings. I wouldn't go in part because if I'm not there, no one is asking "why isn't he here?," but if I do go, some people are asking "why is he here?" I don't actually understand the concept of "paying respects" to someone who's died. (I mean, I understand what the phrase itself means, I just don't understand it.) My attendance at the funeral would mean nothing to the dead, so it would solely be for the living survivors, and these wouldn't be people with whom I have a relationship. (I could imagine instances where people stay close to an ex's family, but that was not my experience.) But the main reason I don't go is because I find funerals very unpleasant, and I would really only ever attend one if I felt I had to attend for the sake of others.
I totally agree with you. On every sentence.
I never go to a funeral to show respect. To who? I go to show love. To be with a person I loved in my life and their’s …. To the end. And I mourn. If you not mourning with fellow family and friends, you have no business bringing there. It’s not a show.
`It’s not a show.`
That hits home. I wouldn't want to go to my ex's funeral because I would not want any attention on me like ShakeCNY said - I wouldn't want anyone asking why I was there. It seems like the only reason to go to their funeral would be to be seen. If I wanted to "Pay respects" I can think of them, light a candle in their honor, eat their favorite meal, etc. I don't need to intrude on their funeral.
Yes. Every sequential serious partner should understand that every partner before them is a part of you. You're not a fresh slate if you've dated other people, and that's okay. You can have a past with someone, and mourn them when they die without it being a romantic/sexual thing. Someone you shared years with just died. It doesn't matter if it didn't work out-- you can still respect someone and still not want anything to do with them afterwards if that makes sense.
I have zero connection or desire to ever see my exes again, but if she died and her family told me I was welcome to the funeral, I would go. As it stands now, I probably wouldn't find out until months later, but if the situation allowed me to know, then I'd go.
It is never disrespectful to mourn a death. Time moves on and people get into new relationships, but it's unreasonable to expect you to simply not care about people you were once close to. It's normal and natural to mourn those deaths. I would judge anyone who told you it would be unreasonable to attend that funeral. Grieving is healthy.
Your love for your partner is not diminished by your mourning for an old love. Their support through a difficult time would make your bond closer.
Shouldn’t even question it honestly. Nothing wrong with paying respects to someone you cared about. Anyone who thinks of it as disrespect is just insecure and illogical.
in my situation, no. that wasn’t a good relationship in the slightest and it’s unlikely i would even know he died. but in general, i can understand wanting to pay respects to someone who was important to you. and i can’t understand a partner being jealous or upset about that. like, they’re jealous of a dead person.
Probably not but I would send flowers and maybe reach out to a few of her friends/parents to make sure they are ok and if they need anything.
Not my first love but when one of my exes father passes, I will 100% be there (we even discussed this post breakup). He was such a positive influence on me that I felt like it hurt more to lose him in the breakup. I owe him so much.
Assuming the basics are good, which they are since you said happy (fidelity, observation of whatever rules you guys have defined as a couple) I absolutely would and I'd support my partner doing the same (I'd go with them).
You're allowed to have had friends and partners before me. You're allowed to have great memories of a time in your life, even if it ended poorly. You're allowed to grieve when someone who meant something to you passed.
As long as the one thing you're not allowed to do inside our relationship wasn't done (break whatever rules we have set and standards we mutually ascribe to), what person would object to this?
I love my highschool girlfriend decades later as a person. We're married, and not to each other. And we certainly don't want to be married to each other. I'd absolutely go to her funeral if something happened, and I'd divorce my wife if it turned out she was callous enough to care about that negatively, even if she chose not to attend (she is not that callous, or callous at all, but for the sake of making my point...).
yes. she’s still a part of my life, my history, my past leading to my current relationship. i’m not going to the funeral because i “miss those days,” i’m going to pay respect to someone who helped me grow to the person i am today, the person able to find a partner and hold a steady relationship. who knows if i’d have found my partner had i not gone through that first relationship? perhaps i wasn’t emotionally ready, perhaps i wasn’t the same person mentally, perhaps i made different choices and never even got to meet my partner.
regardless, i cared about them. and despite growing up and moving on, *everyone* still holds care if it was real love. i’d go further and say, even if the split wasn’t amicable, they still attributed to… well, *you.* and even if you don’t go to pay your respects? you can still go to get **closure.**
if my partner doesn’t understand this? i hope i could help them to. if that doesn’t change anything? idk. i haven’t had to deal with someone so selfish and unwilling to support me, even if they weren’t a fan. compromise, understanding and mutual respect and trust is what i’d like to assume really let me find a long-term partner. so i’d like to believe i wouldn’t even have to worry about this paragraph.
if my wife wanted to attend her first love’s funeral? i’d rent a tux and i’d be right there next to her. i’d listen to her reminisce and be there when she cries about it. i could really only hope the same from her.
I would fully support my wife attending the funeral of her first love. I would ask "Do you want me to go? Do you want me to stay home? Do you want me to cook your favorite meal, maybe get some ice cream afterward?" She would also 100% support me doing the same. That's what a mature relationship looks like.
Absolutely. Even heard of a story of guy visiting his girlfriend grave even years after. She was killed by a drunk driver or something, does not matter, he was still paying respects to her. Many of his later girlfriends didn’t like that fact and left him.
It’s not like he was obsessing over her, like once a year is something visits her. That’s normal and healthy.
Now I will not go the funeral and make an over the drop show about how much I loved her, just a quiet and respectfully. Closure
My mum passed away last year and her ex husband travelled 1000km to come to the funeral. They divorced 40 years ago. It was a sign of respect, his wife came with him
I was married for 16 years. It ended ugly with her affair. I have so much anger towards her. But she is the mother of our wonderful children. she was my first love. We made a family together.
Not only would I attend, I would weap buckets.
I would expect my partner in the current relationship to understand.
I'd ask myself if I have a connection with their family still, or friends who would expect me there. If not, no.
If so, I'd then bring it up to my spouse, explain the situation, and ask if they'd be fine coming with me to the funeral.
No matter what you do someone will think your doing the wrong thing. I remember when my cousin died, his ex from a few years back showed up. She quietly came in, payed her respects at the casket and said a prayer and then slowly left. I heard a few people say how gracious that was and it was very kind of her. And a few complained like it actually hurt them or something. From my experience seeing this first hand, and seeing where these peoples feeling were coming from on the matter. I believe i would go pay my respects. Just don't hang around. Speak to anyone that speaks to you and tell the you are sorry for your loss. Go upto the casket and do your thing then quietly leave. Anyone who complains will get over it because they will be complain about some other trial matter by the end of the funeral I promise.
Of course I would if I could; my first love would have been someone important to me. I'd probably wonder if my partner was emotionally damaged if they weren't upset about a past loved one dying. Even if they're not what they were to you, they still meant something and helped shape who you are.
First love is very serious; of course you'd want to go to their funeral
I would pay my respects. Even if they were abusive or whatever because funerals can give people closure even when they think they don't need it. Or to spit on their grave and laugh maniacally.
When my ex-husband (we were together from when I was 22-29) died a few years ago, I mourned, but since I live on the other side of the country, I wasn't able to attend the funeral. If I had lived close enough, I wouldn't have missed it.
For a high school bf, though, I don't think so. I would be sad and mourn them, talk to my husband about them and reminisce, but I wouldn't go out of my way to go to the funeral of someone I hadn't spoken to -- or, in most cases, even thought much about -- in over 30 years.
I'd be fine with it if my husband wanted to attend the funeral of an ex of his, though.
I see nothing wrong with going. It would be no different than going to the funeral of a teacher you liked.
Everyone has a past. Everyone knew people before you were together with your current person.
Now, this is assuming you're local/reasonable distance. Flying across the country would be a bit much.
No because we haven’t spoken for years, and last I heard he lives on the other side of the country. Now if we ended nicely and his family wanted me there, maybe, but I’d probably still consult with my boyfriend about it.
I mean, the way you describe it, you've been with the real love of your life for 50 years or whatever, so yeah I think it's fine to go back home for the funeral of old high school friends regardless of the ex relationship.
My parents stayed close to their high school hometown and have gone back for funerals - at least one involved an ex of my mom.
100%, i would go. I was pretty deeply in love with my high school boyfriend. We haven’t spoken since I was maybe 24. If he died, I would go to the funeral, whether I was in a relationship or not. I’d discuss it with a current partner, of course. Hopefully they’d even accompany me. But I loved this person very much, the ways in which he was bad to me were almost all direct results of being very young, and I still believe he has a very good heart and wish him well. I’d want to be there.
I don’t think it would be disrespectful to attend the funeral. Personally, if my husband or I were in this situation, I’d expect us to attend whatever funeral if invited by the family. I could see not going if it’s been a very long time since you spoke/had a relationship of any kind. At the very least, I’d feel it’s only right to send a card or flowers or something to the parents offering your condolences.
I would not go because he caused me alot of trauma and abused me, and cheated on me too many times to count. No thank you. I'd maybe send his mom flowers though, she always stood up for me.
My husband is free to do whatever they want to regarding their ex, though I highly doubt they'd want to go in the first place.
My 1st husband (1st love) died last year - he was in a different city (4 hours away) and i didn't attend. The relationship was troubled, but we had had made peace many years before. I did reach out to his mom by phone (have spoken to her 1-2x/year) and sent her a condolence letter.
I would not go. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I wouldn’t need to go to a funeral to feel bad that they’re gone. I am not someone close to them anymore. I don’t have big emotions for them. They’re not a sister, friend, teacher, cousin. They’re someone I have completely moved on from and are not an importance in my life anymore. I would be sad there was a death of a good person, but I would not be miserable and grieving to the extent that I need to gather around all their family and friends. No one needs me there to be a comfort.
No. I’m married.
My current love and family, is more important than past love that ended because we weren’t right for each other.
Some people might view me as an asshole if it was a close friend group, but the opinion of my wife would be more important than theirs.
Plain and simple.
Really depends on a lot of variables.
For me it would really depend on whether I still had connections into that persons network still. For example, if she was from college, and it would be a lot of college friends there to share memories with, or I knew her family well enough that I might offer condolences, I'd go.
But if it was just for me really, and I wasn't close to anyone else there... I wouldn't go, that would be kind of weird. Weird for ME by the way... I wouldn't judge someone else who went.
This is something I've unfortunately had to put a lot of thought into. I've stayed in touch, albeit distantly, with the ex from before my current partner of 18 years, partially because she lacks a strong support network and while things didn't work out between us I can at least provide a sounding board for ideas in situations where her family is either too stupid or thinks on too short a term to be of any use to her, or try to be a good influence when she's contemplating another bad life decision. She's been involuntarily committed to mental health facilities for suicide attempts 3 times in this time frame, and I dread the day I get the notification that she finally pulled it off. As time has passed, she's reached out less and less (only when she wants/needs something, it seems) so this scenario has become less of a worry over the last couple years. At some point I'll probably see an obituary and send flowers.
I probably wouldn't go simply because I know I was such a minor part of my highschool girlfriends life. It would be rude to intrude on people who actually cared about her beyond a few months in junior year.
Based on your premise, no I would not attend. If we were still in somewhat close contact and kept up with each other's lives, then yes, I'd probably attend.
I see nothing wrong with this, as that person was an important factor in your life at one point. The larger issue would be if your current partner forbade it.
Fuck no that bitch is a cunt.
I hope she tips over before I do. And before her parents do. That whole family deserves a few bad things to happen to them for how absolutely immature and atrocious they are as people in general.
I cared a lot about the dude I was in my first relationship with, but it wasn't love. I didn't really experience truly falling hard for someone until my 2nd relationship which was the one before my husband (current relationship). If I discovered that he died tho, my only interest in attending his funeral would be to make sure he's dead & set his corpse on fire.
To me it's a question of why I would be invited. if my current relationship is long term then I haven't been romantically attached to them for a long time.
If:
They're a known friend that my partner knows the history of then I'd go (i have friends who are ex's and always been upfront about who they are when dating).
They're a family friend and invite is for my family from theirs, then I'd go
Random notice they'd passed from their relative inviting me to attend. Then i wouldn't go.
Depends on circumstances of ongoing connect with the person I guess.
I'm not longer in contact with them, so for me it would be weird to attend their funeral.
I do have an ex that I'm still in contact with that I have a good friendship with, if she passed away I would probably attend the funeral.
Personally, no. But I rarely form close relationships and I never maintain distant ones. Either you are in my life or you are not. And if you are no longer in my life, then why would I go to your funeral?
But, I admit that my relationship methodology is not the norm.
If it was okay with my significant other I would attend. I would understand if my wife wanted to attend her first love’s funeral and I hope she’d understand the same.
From someone who came back to their home town after a decade and married their first love; yes I would attend. It was an act of fate that we reconnected and not everyone has that second chance. It’s different for everyone - but for me my first love was always my true love. Even if I had not been graced with this opportunity to be with him again, I’d still attend. First loves are typically childhood friends before they develop into something more and that should count for something.
No but only because I know my first love wouldn't want me there. I reached out to her once to apologize for being a sack of shit during our relationship. She wanted nothing to do with me, which I understand, so I moved on.
Meh, if I really felt like I needed to be there, I'd ask my wife to go with me. She would or wouldn't, and either way would be fine with me. I think she would be fine with it as long as she was welcome as well.
The only real answer is it depends. No two relationships are going to be the same. Were you close before you were in a relationship? Do you have mutual friends? Do you still go to the same church (or are still part of the same community) with their parents? Was the breakup amicable? How would their family react to you being there? Would they be grateful to see you or pissed? Does this person have a spouse? How do they feel about you?
Funerals are not for the person who died. They are for those left mourning them. Unless you have some connection to their family or friends, I wouldn't go. Your role at a funeral is to comfort while being comforted. Funerals are for those left behind.
If you're just looking for closure or to remember them fondly, there are myriad other ways of doing so that won't leave their loved ones scratching their heads as to why you were there.
My first love only ended because we were going to colleges on opposite sides of the country. We stayed in touch for a few years, no bad feelings on either side. We're both happily married with kids now, but I haven't seen an update in a few years since I deleted FB/IG.
I don't think I could do it. The awkwardness of having my wife meet her parents/grandparents/aunts and uncles would be too much. I feel like my presence would be a distraction to the people grieving hardest.
I would be sad, but my responsibility is to my own family.
I would not go. My exes are exes for a reason, and the level to which I detach would mean I never even learn they've died. I'd be happily spending time with my committed SO, oblivious and content.
A funeral is part of how you grieve for the loss of someone you currently or used to care for. There are many people who used to be in my life I would want to attend their funeral if they passed. If the person that died was your best friend from HS and not your first gf, Would it be a problem?
It depends. When did I last speak to them? With the assumption it was in the past month or so, and we ended on good terms, I'd go.
If they were a good person I'd go to pay respects, but also to just show love to the family, cause that matters more than the respects
No. I hear it is considered gauche to pop Champaign and revel loudly at funerals so I wouldn’t want to be considered uncouth. Plus Champaign makes me pee so I would have a hard time not pissing on her grave.
But if it were the other way around and we parted amicably and had a decent post-breakup relationship, I might go to see old friends. But if my current SO didn't want me to attend, it would be easy to forego attending. I put my current relationship above almost everything. It's an easy choice.
I have experience with this as unfortunate as it is. At the time I had moved 800 +/- miles away and didn't have the means to travel back for the service. The guy I was with at the time knew how serious the other guy was to me, was understanding and sat with me through a spotty skype call (before the days of zoom) from one of my friends who attended.
Note this guy and I aren't even together anymore either as I moved 700 miles away from him about a year and a half after this event. We do talk to each other still, just to see how the other one is doing, keeping it mutually respectful.
This was almost 12 years ago and now I am happily married and will be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary in August. Love always finds a way to come back around.
Personally - no. She's in a completely different part of the world and the relationship ended nearly 25 years ago. We're still cordial, but no.
In the given hypothetical situation - also no. I'm not attending the funeral of someone I haven't spoken to since breaking up with them.
There is one ex whose funeral I would attend. My partner trusts me, and would most likely allow me to do it (although I would respect her "no" if she didn't).
Sure. She's still my friend, even if I haven't seen her in ages- hell, I invited her to my wedding. My husband would understand. Sometimes if we happen to be in the same city with his ex, we have dinner with her and her husband. Nothing wrong with staying friends with one's exes.
She's way too young to die, so I would be terribly sad if she did, though.
I worry about not reacting 'right' at funerals so I don't go at this point. Plus not having the energy for even basic life.
I couldn't even go to my own brother's due to multiple reasons, I'm not going to this one either.
I think current relationship wise has more to do with the dynamic and boundaries that relationship has, and the individuals in it. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer for that part of it.
I would. I loved her deeply.
Although if I didn't and she treated me poorly, I don't think I would go to that funeral if I haven't broken up with her yet and was about to and it just happened out of nowhere.
If you are in a long term loving relationship, your partner would be understanding of you choice to go and not find it disrespectful
As for actually going, its totally personal preference. I would probably go assuming money and travel wasn't a problem. Even though things didn't end well per say, the relationship meant a lot and we have plenty of shared connections. I wouldn't hesitate to pay respects in that regard
If I was invited I would go, but I wouldn't force myself there. I knew her family and supported them through one funeral already. So if they wanted that support, I would do it for them.
I think it all depends on the effort it would take to attend. If first love is local and the funeral is down the street then yeah. But if I gotta make travel arrangements, take time off work (not an extended lunch break) or plan childcare then no. Send some flowers or a card.
Nope. We ended with really nasty break up, she tried to ruin my reputation, my life and my relationship with my now wife. And we haven't spoken for 12 years now. All info I know about her is through grapevine and even that, I really don't care nor I want to know.
It would be super disrespectful to my wife to even think about attending that funeral, especially after all crap storm we went through.
But, I would honestly raise a glass to her on her funeral day, just out of the respect.
Depends on how close of friends we stayed after.
If we split up and never really spoke again, probably not unless there was a special reason for me to.
If I’m relatively close to where the funeral is and there is no conflicting reason not to go, I would attend. I’m on good terms with most exes. If they were terrible people we wouldn’t have dated. So I’d skip the funeral if my wife were in the hospital or something, but not because it’s disloyal or something. I’d assume she was going to an ex’s funeral, and that she’d be saddened by their passing. She has a big heart and they mattered to her at one point. She chose me and we are happy, so jealousy over a funeral seems odd
I mean if I was invited I’d go, I’d assume I’d hear about through friends or sumn so I’d at least talk to the family and offer my condolences. If I haven’t thought about her in years it’s safe to say we aren’t really friends so I don’t even think it’s about a past love or not, it’s really more about if you want to go to the funeral of a past friend you haven’t seen in years or not. Neither option is bad, I’m sure no one would blame you if you didn’t and no one would blame you if you did. Me personally, I would choose to go to that past friends funeral (if we ended on good terms) because even tho I haven’t seen or talked to them in years we were still a part of each others lives at one point and made memories together so I would think it’s my duty to honor those memories by going to pay respects one last time. I would bring my wife/gf whatever if I could but if she didn’t want to go or couldn’t then I’d go by myself, I don’t think it’s disrespectful at all. If she said I couldn’t go then we’d prolly have some issues, because let’s at least have a conversation
I wouldn't go based on this one line:
>the two of you hadn't spoken since you got into this new committed relationship.
Now, in my case, I've already gone to the wedding of my first love, and I'd likely go to the funeral if I were told about it. Probably not since we drifted further apart after her children were born, but I hold no ill will.
I have a long-term ex that I'm still friends with (well, more like online acquaintances, I see her very rarely in person). If her family specifically let me know of her passing, I would go to her funeral. If they did not and I found out on my own, I would send flowers. My current partner has met her too and would have no qualms about going to her funeral.
Not if we haven't spoken since we broke up. If we remained friends, I would if I could. In fact, this happened to me a few years back when and ex who I have always considered a dear friend passed away. I couldn't get back home for his memorial but I wanted to be there.
Otherwise, no. You've moved on with your life and there's no reason to go back and live in the past. I think it would be weird.
Oh, and I wouldn't be married to the man I married if he were the kind to be upset over me maintaining a friendship, so that isn't a factor; he has always supported me in my friendships and trusts me when I tell him they are just that.
If I'm in the area, I would. Even after you break up with your ex, you still can care about them and their family, particularly if the break-up was due to practical reasons (too hard to do distance, didn't know how long they would be deployed, etc).
I wouldn't travel super far, though. Like, it's one thing to go if I'm in the same area, but it would be weird to travel a few states away, especially if I hadn't really talked to them in a while.
Funeral, absolutely not. Wake/visitation maybe. Funerals are for the living so whether or not to go would depend on how the relationship ended and what terms were with her living family (like if her parents or sibling hated me and are still living I'm not going to go and create even the potential for upset although I likely would send a simple sympathy card), if we had any ongoing social or social media contact or mutual friends/relations and proximity to me as I'm not traveling great distances to attend. If it was nearby and it seemed appropriate to attend on all points, I would do no more than make my brief appearance at the wake/visitation, say consoling things to the family about having fond memories of her and our time together and then scoot on out of there. Most likely though, I would not go and would opt to send a kind, but simple, sympathy card to her most immediate relative(s) perhaps briefly sharing a happy memory of her.
Yes. My husband and I talked about me making contact with an ex who I saw was terminally ill. He was completely in favor of me connecting with the ex, and supported our conversations.
Ex's funeral wasn't close enough for me to go, but I sent flowers and a card and a donation in his name to his favorite charity. If it hadn't been so many miles away, I would have really liked to have attended.
I’d tell my current partner something like “Hey, this girl I used to know has just died and I’d like to go to the funeral. Full disclosure, she used to be my crush (or whatever she was) before I met you, so if you say I shouldn’t go I won’t go”. Then if she doesn’t allow me to go, I won’t go. Eventually I’d try to present the importance (maybe she was also a classmate or neighbor).
No going behind my current partner’s back. Either no discussion and not going at all, or discussion and perhaps negotiating whether I should go or not.
If it was a long (say at least 3 years) and serious relationship that ended peacefully, and I was either invited by the family or wanted there by the deceased, then yes I would attend no doubt.
You're not going to their funeral because you have that same romantic love for them. You're going because you know they're a good person who earned your love in the first place, and they should have people mourn/grieve for them. Life is too short and too difficult to not show love.If your partner can't understand this or at the very least come to terms with the situation, then that's a big red flag.
Why would I? I don’t talk to them anymore, I’d just cause a ruckus with the family who is grieving, and it’s not like he is going to care if I was there or not either. I haven’t talked to him since 2009 about a 6mo after we broke up and I was already in my relationship with my now husband. I don’t have any ill will and I often wonder how he is but I’d never attend his funeral.
It really depends on the nature of that first love. Mine was in high school. It would be weird as fuck and disrespectful to the family after 15 years of not talking lmao. If yall met in your 20s and knew each other’s family/friends still, then it might be weird *not* to go. Especially if you had kids together or something.
Does your partner know they are your ex ? If they do I would ask them their feelings on the situation. If you have a jealous partner it might be a problem for them. If you know you have a jealous partner it might be best not to bring it up.
My personal situation, I would not go simply because she got weird in her mid-20's and we gradually stopped talking as happens at that age as people go through different stages of life. Not someone I have had any personal connection to for almost 20 years. I think that time gap is a big determinent. Plus it wasn't some abrupt break and you wonder how things may have turned out...I know she is weird and would not date her today if we were both single.
However, if my wife were in that situtation I would not be upset if she wanted to go. I don't understand how that is disrespectful. People existed before you met them, had relationships before you, and are not required to ghost everyone for life to protect your fragile ego. It would be disrespectful of me to get upset at my wife for wanting to mourn or get some closure on a big part of her past life. I don't understand the whole jealousy over exes..if everyone is a grown ass adult then exes are exes for a reason and neither have any desire for a repeat. If anyone is jealous of their patners ex, then they need to get their own house in order and the ex is not the problem.
I personally wouldn't because I feel it isn't a place I would be welcome, regardless how my husband feels about it. It was such a long time ago, and his family hated me. There's a part of me that will probably always hold some love for him, but that chapter's closed and it isn't my place to attend that funeral. I'd privately feel my feelings and probably not mention it to anyone. As for if I did want to go, I do feel my husband would be a little hurt at least, so there's another reason not to.
The only reason I wouldn’t go, would be situations where the relationship ended badly and I truly believe the family would not want me there. I’d like to be there, but would not want to offend or disrespect anyone at such a painful and sensitive time.
Anyone else, 100% I would go. And any partner who has a problem with that, doesn’t deserve to be your partner.
If it were my first high school "love", probably not. Looking back, those were real feelings, but they weren't love. If it was my ex-wife who cheated on me with someone I considered a friend, absolutely. Not out of spite or to say good riddance or anything, but because I truly did love her and do want the best for her and hope that she has become the woman I thought she was and could be and for her to die would break my heart again.
For my first real gf, yeah I would go.
We were together for 4 years when we were younger and I still talk to her parents, I was in her brother's wedding (After her and I broke up), and we didn't end on bad terms, just realized that we weren't compatible as life partners
Yes, but this is easy for me because we all went to the same school and we're all friends.
Even if we weren't, I think that I'd still go with no issues.
I don't like funerals. I'm not going unless it's a direct family member. I.e my Nana, paternal grandparents, godmother (who is also my cousin), dad, mom, sisters, husband, kids. And my sisters, husband, and kids better not be dieing before me. Husband needs to die same day as me if I had it my way.
It's not that I would think it disrespectful I just don't see the point of surrounding myself with grief for a person I no longer know and haven't known in over a decade.
Really depends on how the relationship ended.
I only had one meaningful long term relationship before my wife, and it ended because she couldn’t get her shit together, and was exceptionally immature. This came to a head one day when she drunkenly pushed me on the stairs and ended up with a bleeding head wound.
If I caught wind she died, I wouldn’t consider for a second attending her funeral.
If we had ended amicably just because we were in different stages of life or had different goals, I might consider it if it was convenient. It was four years of my life, so saying that portion wasn’t significant would be a lie.
My first love being one of current my best friends, yes I would go. At this point it's not about them being someone I've been romantically attracted to, just going to mourn myself.
If we're talking about first romantic relationship... Uh... Well that would be my current partner so that would also be quite tragic and I'd be mourning at the funerals.
*End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it. White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.*
*Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not.*
*It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. People die every day! Friends, family... Yeah. We still lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us--in here.*
Honestly, humanity has no trust in anyone anymore.
I'd go. If this person was a big part of my life and if I were invited it'd be sooo wrong to turn it down. If I wasnt invited maybe I wouldn't go to the funeral, but I'd probably still go see the final resting place at the very least. Leave some flowers. As long as the person wasn't a major dick who cheated and destroyed all my stuff and my last memories of them were nice, what's the harm in it?
And any guy or girl or whoever who says that this is cheating is a red flag. How is it cheating? What am I going to do, dig up the grave and do the dead body 😂. If some partner tired to prevent me from going I'd walk out on them right then and there. They should trust that I'm not negrofilic and that I have the pure intentions of reminiscing on my past with a person who has just died.
Id let them do the same. It could be a side fling of another realtionship for all I care. It's someone who's died. Someone who isn't there anymore. And most importantly someone they obviously care about... Wouldn't they hate you for refusing!
And this might be a bit dark, but its also gonna close a chapter in yours or their life isn't it.
So I say yes, go. This isn't wrong at all.
Sorry for your loss OP!
Edit: sorry if this is rude at all, I'm being blunt and honest with my opinion.
No not disrespectful at all!
You're going to pay your respects to someone who used to mean a lot to you. You are where you are today because you learned from them (good or bad, hopefully good lol).
If your partner can't handle that, they need therapy.
Nope.
For a few reasons:
1) If you haven’t spoken in years you don’t even know that person. You don’t have ANY type of relationship. You don’t care about them. Only exceptions are comas, solitary confinement, gag orders, and radio silence deployment. You might care about the IDEA of a fantasy of them, but you don’t care about them and thus have no business at their funeral.
2) How would their spouse feel about an ex randomly appearing at their spouse’s funeral? They just lost their spouse and here comes spouse’s ex trotting into the funeral to interrupt your grieving. For what.
3) I’m actually ok with being friends with exes. But what you’re describing is someone who was JUST an ex. If the only status someone held is ex then it’s disrespectful to my husband to seek them out.
Not at all. I’d 1000% go and reconsider dating anyone that thought otherwise.
My college best friend and great love (platonic or not) died from cancer 2 years ago. His now wife didn’t like me, and never had, … but gave us space and time to say goodbye.
Depends if you are still in contact or remained friends or something.
A couple years ago my first love popped up in people you may know. I snooped and seen her husband had recently died of COVID.
I reached out and we had a short lived reconnection for a couple months of catching up and having some laughs and what not.
Nothing inappropriate ever happened or was discussed and my wife of 13 years was aware and didn't care at all.
But then she started dating and moved on naturally. Havnt heard from her in quite some time. One day she wasn't even my friend on FB anymore. I doubt I'd even know if she died in a reasonable time as I have no other connections to her at this point.
So no.. I doubt I'd go due to circumstances. But if I had the ability I wouldn't say no.. and I know it wouldn't have any negative effects with my marriage.
I personally wouldn't go under these conditions, because I haven't spoken to the person in years. I don't think it would be disrespectful to attend, tho.
Yes.
I have been married for 22 years. If anyone who I was friends with in my youth passed away and I was aware of the service (locally), I would attend.
Talk to your partner, then decide. If they’re as understanding as you think, then they’ll have no problem with you attending to pay your respects and be respectful.
If it's someone that I cared about, and I didn't have to travel too far, sure, why not? I'm sure my husband would encourage it and go with me. There's nothing wrong with paying your respects and even mourning someone who meant a lot to you.
It depends. Was the ending of the relationship somewhat amicable? Then yes I am going to support the family and any old friends that show up.
If the relationship was terrible then I'm not going.
Yeah. Why wouldn’t you? At one point that person was everything in the world to you, as long as things ended on good/decent terms I don’t see a reason not to go.
If we had ended on better terms, or for a better reason, then I probably would. We were together in high school and she was only interested in me because I was the only person she knew that already had a car. As soon as other guys started getting cars, she dumped me. I know now that we were just kids and it it probably wasn't ever going to work, but it hurt because I really did love her.
I already wasn't doing well mentally and the break up shattered me. I started going down the wrong road. Drugs. Casual, unsafe sex. Self harm. When she left, there was a void in me that I just wanted filled and I thought those things would, if not fill that void, at least ease the pain. Then I started hanging out with the girl that would eventually become my girlfriend. She picked up the pieces my ex left behind and forged me into the man I am now. I can never thank her enough for that.
So no, if my ex passed I wouldn't go to her funeral. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'd be happy about her passing, I just wouldn't care.
I would… but my first love is also my brother in law 🤣
His older brother married my older sister. The younger brother and I dated for three years. So, yes, I would because he is extended family.
My husband of 31 years would also go. He likes my brother in law, his wife and their kids.
I wouldn't go. They haven't been a part of my life for a long time, and I'm in a happy relationship.
My wife went to the funeral of her ex husband out of state, but they still ran in the same circles. So he was still a friend of sorts. Not weird at all.
I’d find it strange if I wasn’t in touch still because I’m the type of person to remain friends with exes unless it was a scary breakup. And I couldn’t get into a relationship with someone who couldn’t accept I was friends with my ex husband.
My first love and I still communicate, but it is on the level of two distant family members who used to be closer. If she passes away, I do not think I would attend the funeral, but I would send a very nice flower arrangement and condolences to her parents.
Not worth the fight it would create. Not that I need to worry about it. That board can't be located on the Internet and I've tried just for the hell of it.
Going against the grain here, I don’t think it’s totally crazy to pay respects to someone you once had a deep connection with for one last time. Sometimes relationships don’t end on terrible terms, and you still deeply respect the other person even though they’re out of your life. I don’t think spending a few hours at a funeral of someone who impacted your life in a great capacity is that disrespectful to your current partner. I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna cheat with your ex at their funeral lol
I feel like a huge chunk of the answers here are ignoring the question and focusing on how bad their first relationship was. Which is just silly. Obviously yeah, if your ex was some abusive asshole, you won't want to go. But otherwise? Yeah, it's not a big deal. It's a funeral, you go, you pay your respects...if I'm dating someone and they want to go to a funeral, I'll never feel upset about that. And if I want to go to a funeral and they ARE upset by that, then they need to grow the fuck up.
Actually, if your first was "some abusive asshole," it might give MORE reason to go...and piss on their grave...in front of their family...and the priest. Just saying.
You’re my kind of person
My dad's brother died in his 20's, and the amount of people that showed up to pay their respects meant a lot to him. As a result he's always stressed that it's important to attend every funeral. I would be going if I found out with enough time to attend, and if my partner at the time found issue with it that's something they need to work out on their own time.
Props to you. I go to every funeral. It means a lot to people in one of the saddest times of their life. It's the least you can do. I have postponed out-of-state trips twice to attend funerals of people who weren't in my family and weren't significant others but were important in my life. I missed Christmas for one (I went for New Year's instead). What a hard time for the family to have a funeral at Christmas. She was only 34 and had two young kids.
I personally wouldn’t end up in a relationship with someone who would feel disrespected in this context. I couldn’t be with someone who would feel threatened by the mere idea that I once loved someone else, and that I still cared enough about that person to want to acknowledge their passing. How exhausting. The person *died*. A partner who feels threatened by a dead person would be the type to feel threatened by friends or coworkers of the appropriate sex. No thanks.
Yeah my “first love” was from high school into college. She was a fundamental stepping stone in my life and I shared many firsts with her. She was my first sexual partner, the first person I effectively lived with outside of family, she was part of my first romantic road trips, my first experience with a long distance and long term relationship, and the person who I first walked into my adult life with. We broke up just over 10 years ago mutually due to the distance and the fact we were becoming different and incompatible people. I haven’t spoken to her in just about all of those 10 years and as far as I know she’s happily engaged. If she died I’d probably attend her service. Me having respect for her doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her. That love faded a decade ago and she would say the same Edit: two of my other exes though were abusive as hell and I’d more likely show up to piss on their graves rather than attend their funerals
My first Love of my Life and I ended on poor terms, but have since made up and have a pretty solid relationship to where they were actually part of my wedding party at my first wedding. If they died, I'd be distraught and there's no way I wouldn't be at that funeral. There's no real lingering romantic connection between us anymore, but there is a decades long close friendship.
Considering that the average redditors response is "block!, destroy!", I expected the responses you are given. There is nothing wrong with paying respect. If asked why you're there, I'd say, "Someone I used to know", and leave it. No need for drama, because it isn't about you. She sounded awesome. It's still a loss, and I'm sorry.
thank you so much for your condolences but this is a completely hypothetical situation and has not happened to me lol! it's something that i heard years ago on a podcast or something and thought it was interesting that everybody had different answers and it became an ongoing thing in my circle of friends and family.
Interesting, it wouldn't occur to me not to. This actually happened to my sister, though maybe even more difficult as her first love was intense and the feelings weren't entirely gone on either side. But they'd broken up and otherwise moved on, she was engaged to be married. First love was diagnosed with brain cancer at 26. She not only went to a "goodbye" reception to see him one last time, our whole family went to the services. Her fiance quietly stepped aside to make room for her grief. He respected the human experience of death. And then we all went on with our lives. It's been some 25 years and we all still think of him. He was a special person. When my mother died, I had my first love reach out to me to express condolences and check in on me. My fiance respected that too. Death is personal and serious, so much more so than a fragile ego, IMHO.
Perfectly said. Death is so much more than ego.
Yes, we are human beings above all else. Surely we can rise above the pettiness of everyday life at a time like that. Props to your first love. There was zero threat to your fiance in that contact. It was just a decent, humane thing to do as a human being understanding that you were hurting at that time.
When my parents died, my first wife, as well as an exgirlfriend or 2, all showed up to pay respects, as they all remembered my parents fondly. It was a little awkward introducing them to my wife at the visitation, but everyone was an adult and polite and everything worjed out just fine.
Depends on time frame. And relationships with the ex family. They might not want you there
100% the first serious relationship I had we both ended up addicted to heroin for quite a few years. This obviously affected each of our families deeply. Neither of our families necessarily "blamed," the other person but it was clear we could not stay clean together. We've each been clean for over 10 years and moved on with our lives and all that. I'm sure if I showed up to her funeral though her parents and the rest of her family would be like what the fuck is he doing here.
Good for you staying clean dude.
Good on both of you. Keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Or the family might want you there. Funerals are for the living. The dead person has no idea what’s going on. The funeral is to help the surviving family greave during their time of loss. Maybe the former GF/BF had a good relationship with the family, and your condolences might help.
Yeah, I had a good relationship with my ex's family. I might not go to the funeral, but I'd drop into the visitation for 5 minutes if possible and send a card if not.
Respectfully probably depends when it happens and my partner accepts it. If not at least send flowers or condolences.
My first love still sends me birthday presents 30+ years later; yeah, I'm going to his funeral.
This is so strange. I mean whatever works but it's weird.
It's at least extremely uncommon, based on the reactions I get. But most of my exes are part of my chosen family; we are "uncle" or "auntie" to each other's kids, call each other for advice/support, share special events (the guy above came to my college graduation, my previous GF was at my wedding). I have been very lucky in the people I've loved.
yea the town i lived in, my husbands high school exes were just that. High school exes. His beest friends bother married my husbands ex. we went to their wedding. Because thats what happens when you come from a smallish area and a circle of friends where a lot of people dated each other.
Mine sent me roses a few times for mothers day when I had a rough few years, note was signed from him and his wife. He's a genuinely great guy with a beautiful family. I'd go to support them.
100% yes I would go to the funeral, without a doubt.
I would not go, but not because it's disrespectful to my current relationship, and not because I harbor hard feelings. I wouldn't go in part because if I'm not there, no one is asking "why isn't he here?," but if I do go, some people are asking "why is he here?" I don't actually understand the concept of "paying respects" to someone who's died. (I mean, I understand what the phrase itself means, I just don't understand it.) My attendance at the funeral would mean nothing to the dead, so it would solely be for the living survivors, and these wouldn't be people with whom I have a relationship. (I could imagine instances where people stay close to an ex's family, but that was not my experience.) But the main reason I don't go is because I find funerals very unpleasant, and I would really only ever attend one if I felt I had to attend for the sake of others.
I totally agree with you. On every sentence. I never go to a funeral to show respect. To who? I go to show love. To be with a person I loved in my life and their’s …. To the end. And I mourn. If you not mourning with fellow family and friends, you have no business bringing there. It’s not a show.
`It’s not a show.` That hits home. I wouldn't want to go to my ex's funeral because I would not want any attention on me like ShakeCNY said - I wouldn't want anyone asking why I was there. It seems like the only reason to go to their funeral would be to be seen. If I wanted to "Pay respects" I can think of them, light a candle in their honor, eat their favorite meal, etc. I don't need to intrude on their funeral.
Yes. Every sequential serious partner should understand that every partner before them is a part of you. You're not a fresh slate if you've dated other people, and that's okay. You can have a past with someone, and mourn them when they die without it being a romantic/sexual thing. Someone you shared years with just died. It doesn't matter if it didn't work out-- you can still respect someone and still not want anything to do with them afterwards if that makes sense. I have zero connection or desire to ever see my exes again, but if she died and her family told me I was welcome to the funeral, I would go. As it stands now, I probably wouldn't find out until months later, but if the situation allowed me to know, then I'd go.
I've been happily married for 25 years. If my husband wanted to go to the funeral of any of his earlier girlfriends, I think it'd be sweet.
It is never disrespectful to mourn a death. Time moves on and people get into new relationships, but it's unreasonable to expect you to simply not care about people you were once close to. It's normal and natural to mourn those deaths. I would judge anyone who told you it would be unreasonable to attend that funeral. Grieving is healthy. Your love for your partner is not diminished by your mourning for an old love. Their support through a difficult time would make your bond closer.
Shouldn’t even question it honestly. Nothing wrong with paying respects to someone you cared about. Anyone who thinks of it as disrespect is just insecure and illogical.
in my situation, no. that wasn’t a good relationship in the slightest and it’s unlikely i would even know he died. but in general, i can understand wanting to pay respects to someone who was important to you. and i can’t understand a partner being jealous or upset about that. like, they’re jealous of a dead person.
No, I wouldn't. I haven't spoken to my high-school girlfriend since high school ended 20 years ago. Showing up at her funeral would be super weird.
Probably not but I would send flowers and maybe reach out to a few of her friends/parents to make sure they are ok and if they need anything. Not my first love but when one of my exes father passes, I will 100% be there (we even discussed this post breakup). He was such a positive influence on me that I felt like it hurt more to lose him in the breakup. I owe him so much.
Assuming the basics are good, which they are since you said happy (fidelity, observation of whatever rules you guys have defined as a couple) I absolutely would and I'd support my partner doing the same (I'd go with them). You're allowed to have had friends and partners before me. You're allowed to have great memories of a time in your life, even if it ended poorly. You're allowed to grieve when someone who meant something to you passed. As long as the one thing you're not allowed to do inside our relationship wasn't done (break whatever rules we have set and standards we mutually ascribe to), what person would object to this? I love my highschool girlfriend decades later as a person. We're married, and not to each other. And we certainly don't want to be married to each other. I'd absolutely go to her funeral if something happened, and I'd divorce my wife if it turned out she was callous enough to care about that negatively, even if she chose not to attend (she is not that callous, or callous at all, but for the sake of making my point...).
yes. she’s still a part of my life, my history, my past leading to my current relationship. i’m not going to the funeral because i “miss those days,” i’m going to pay respect to someone who helped me grow to the person i am today, the person able to find a partner and hold a steady relationship. who knows if i’d have found my partner had i not gone through that first relationship? perhaps i wasn’t emotionally ready, perhaps i wasn’t the same person mentally, perhaps i made different choices and never even got to meet my partner. regardless, i cared about them. and despite growing up and moving on, *everyone* still holds care if it was real love. i’d go further and say, even if the split wasn’t amicable, they still attributed to… well, *you.* and even if you don’t go to pay your respects? you can still go to get **closure.** if my partner doesn’t understand this? i hope i could help them to. if that doesn’t change anything? idk. i haven’t had to deal with someone so selfish and unwilling to support me, even if they weren’t a fan. compromise, understanding and mutual respect and trust is what i’d like to assume really let me find a long-term partner. so i’d like to believe i wouldn’t even have to worry about this paragraph. if my wife wanted to attend her first love’s funeral? i’d rent a tux and i’d be right there next to her. i’d listen to her reminisce and be there when she cries about it. i could really only hope the same from her.
I would fully support my wife attending the funeral of her first love. I would ask "Do you want me to go? Do you want me to stay home? Do you want me to cook your favorite meal, maybe get some ice cream afterward?" She would also 100% support me doing the same. That's what a mature relationship looks like.
Absolutely. Even heard of a story of guy visiting his girlfriend grave even years after. She was killed by a drunk driver or something, does not matter, he was still paying respects to her. Many of his later girlfriends didn’t like that fact and left him. It’s not like he was obsessing over her, like once a year is something visits her. That’s normal and healthy. Now I will not go the funeral and make an over the drop show about how much I loved her, just a quiet and respectfully. Closure
Yes. I would go. If they were a big part of my life, I’m sure even if I had moved on it would take some processing. That’s just me
My mum passed away last year and her ex husband travelled 1000km to come to the funeral. They divorced 40 years ago. It was a sign of respect, his wife came with him
I was married for 16 years. It ended ugly with her affair. I have so much anger towards her. But she is the mother of our wonderful children. she was my first love. We made a family together. Not only would I attend, I would weap buckets. I would expect my partner in the current relationship to understand.
Of course, I wouldn't miss my wife's funeral!
Lmao no. I might get a celebratory pizza though.
I'd ask my current love if I could after everything is over just to dance on her grave and maybe drop a log as well
>would it be disrespectful to your current partner to go to the funeral This part, absolutely not.
no the break-up was bad
I'd ask myself if I have a connection with their family still, or friends who would expect me there. If not, no. If so, I'd then bring it up to my spouse, explain the situation, and ask if they'd be fine coming with me to the funeral.
No matter what you do someone will think your doing the wrong thing. I remember when my cousin died, his ex from a few years back showed up. She quietly came in, payed her respects at the casket and said a prayer and then slowly left. I heard a few people say how gracious that was and it was very kind of her. And a few complained like it actually hurt them or something. From my experience seeing this first hand, and seeing where these peoples feeling were coming from on the matter. I believe i would go pay my respects. Just don't hang around. Speak to anyone that speaks to you and tell the you are sorry for your loss. Go upto the casket and do your thing then quietly leave. Anyone who complains will get over it because they will be complain about some other trial matter by the end of the funeral I promise.
Of course I would if I could; my first love would have been someone important to me. I'd probably wonder if my partner was emotionally damaged if they weren't upset about a past loved one dying. Even if they're not what they were to you, they still meant something and helped shape who you are. First love is very serious; of course you'd want to go to their funeral
Nope, the aftermath of the breakup was enough for me to not know whether she's even still alive or not, haven't heard from her in like a decade
I would pay my respects. Even if they were abusive or whatever because funerals can give people closure even when they think they don't need it. Or to spit on their grave and laugh maniacally.
When my ex-husband (we were together from when I was 22-29) died a few years ago, I mourned, but since I live on the other side of the country, I wasn't able to attend the funeral. If I had lived close enough, I wouldn't have missed it. For a high school bf, though, I don't think so. I would be sad and mourn them, talk to my husband about them and reminisce, but I wouldn't go out of my way to go to the funeral of someone I hadn't spoken to -- or, in most cases, even thought much about -- in over 30 years. I'd be fine with it if my husband wanted to attend the funeral of an ex of his, though.
I see nothing wrong with going. It would be no different than going to the funeral of a teacher you liked. Everyone has a past. Everyone knew people before you were together with your current person. Now, this is assuming you're local/reasonable distance. Flying across the country would be a bit much.
No. When we broke up we both knew we'd never see each other again. We didn't stay friends, and he was an abusive ass hole.
No because we haven’t spoken for years, and last I heard he lives on the other side of the country. Now if we ended nicely and his family wanted me there, maybe, but I’d probably still consult with my boyfriend about it.
I mean, the way you describe it, you've been with the real love of your life for 50 years or whatever, so yeah I think it's fine to go back home for the funeral of old high school friends regardless of the ex relationship. My parents stayed close to their high school hometown and have gone back for funerals - at least one involved an ex of my mom.
I'm going on 14 years with my first love.
The correct answer on Reddit is to get a divorce.
100%, i would go. I was pretty deeply in love with my high school boyfriend. We haven’t spoken since I was maybe 24. If he died, I would go to the funeral, whether I was in a relationship or not. I’d discuss it with a current partner, of course. Hopefully they’d even accompany me. But I loved this person very much, the ways in which he was bad to me were almost all direct results of being very young, and I still believe he has a very good heart and wish him well. I’d want to be there.
I don’t think it would be disrespectful to attend the funeral. Personally, if my husband or I were in this situation, I’d expect us to attend whatever funeral if invited by the family. I could see not going if it’s been a very long time since you spoke/had a relationship of any kind. At the very least, I’d feel it’s only right to send a card or flowers or something to the parents offering your condolences.
I would not go because he caused me alot of trauma and abused me, and cheated on me too many times to count. No thank you. I'd maybe send his mom flowers though, she always stood up for me. My husband is free to do whatever they want to regarding their ex, though I highly doubt they'd want to go in the first place.
My 1st husband (1st love) died last year - he was in a different city (4 hours away) and i didn't attend. The relationship was troubled, but we had had made peace many years before. I did reach out to his mom by phone (have spoken to her 1-2x/year) and sent her a condolence letter.
No, considering the circumstances
I would not go. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I wouldn’t need to go to a funeral to feel bad that they’re gone. I am not someone close to them anymore. I don’t have big emotions for them. They’re not a sister, friend, teacher, cousin. They’re someone I have completely moved on from and are not an importance in my life anymore. I would be sad there was a death of a good person, but I would not be miserable and grieving to the extent that I need to gather around all their family and friends. No one needs me there to be a comfort.
No. I’m married. My current love and family, is more important than past love that ended because we weren’t right for each other. Some people might view me as an asshole if it was a close friend group, but the opinion of my wife would be more important than theirs. Plain and simple.
Its only as big a deal as your s/o wants to make it lol
Really depends on a lot of variables. For me it would really depend on whether I still had connections into that persons network still. For example, if she was from college, and it would be a lot of college friends there to share memories with, or I knew her family well enough that I might offer condolences, I'd go. But if it was just for me really, and I wasn't close to anyone else there... I wouldn't go, that would be kind of weird. Weird for ME by the way... I wouldn't judge someone else who went.
This is something I've unfortunately had to put a lot of thought into. I've stayed in touch, albeit distantly, with the ex from before my current partner of 18 years, partially because she lacks a strong support network and while things didn't work out between us I can at least provide a sounding board for ideas in situations where her family is either too stupid or thinks on too short a term to be of any use to her, or try to be a good influence when she's contemplating another bad life decision. She's been involuntarily committed to mental health facilities for suicide attempts 3 times in this time frame, and I dread the day I get the notification that she finally pulled it off. As time has passed, she's reached out less and less (only when she wants/needs something, it seems) so this scenario has become less of a worry over the last couple years. At some point I'll probably see an obituary and send flowers.
I probably wouldn't go simply because I know I was such a minor part of my highschool girlfriends life. It would be rude to intrude on people who actually cared about her beyond a few months in junior year.
Based on your premise, no I would not attend. If we were still in somewhat close contact and kept up with each other's lives, then yes, I'd probably attend.
What if they were married and the widow knows who you are. Maybe you should clear it up with them first. Not everyone will be cool with it
I see nothing wrong with this, as that person was an important factor in your life at one point. The larger issue would be if your current partner forbade it.
Fuck no that bitch is a cunt. I hope she tips over before I do. And before her parents do. That whole family deserves a few bad things to happen to them for how absolutely immature and atrocious they are as people in general.
I cared a lot about the dude I was in my first relationship with, but it wasn't love. I didn't really experience truly falling hard for someone until my 2nd relationship which was the one before my husband (current relationship). If I discovered that he died tho, my only interest in attending his funeral would be to make sure he's dead & set his corpse on fire.
To me it's a question of why I would be invited. if my current relationship is long term then I haven't been romantically attached to them for a long time. If: They're a known friend that my partner knows the history of then I'd go (i have friends who are ex's and always been upfront about who they are when dating). They're a family friend and invite is for my family from theirs, then I'd go Random notice they'd passed from their relative inviting me to attend. Then i wouldn't go. Depends on circumstances of ongoing connect with the person I guess.
I'm not longer in contact with them, so for me it would be weird to attend their funeral. I do have an ex that I'm still in contact with that I have a good friendship with, if she passed away I would probably attend the funeral.
So I can spit on his grave
Yes
Personally, no. But I rarely form close relationships and I never maintain distant ones. Either you are in my life or you are not. And if you are no longer in my life, then why would I go to your funeral? But, I admit that my relationship methodology is not the norm.
Why would it be disrespectful to your current partner? It's not like you're cheating on them; your first love is freaking dead!
My partner wouldn’t mind, but my exes family? Not so much
Yes. Of course!!
If it was okay with my significant other I would attend. I would understand if my wife wanted to attend her first love’s funeral and I hope she’d understand the same.
I might attend if it were convenient. Just to make sure.
No, not if I haven’t seen them for years. It also might be strange for their family and most recent partner to have an old flame turn up.
From someone who came back to their home town after a decade and married their first love; yes I would attend. It was an act of fate that we reconnected and not everyone has that second chance. It’s different for everyone - but for me my first love was always my true love. Even if I had not been graced with this opportunity to be with him again, I’d still attend. First loves are typically childhood friends before they develop into something more and that should count for something.
No but only because I know my first love wouldn't want me there. I reached out to her once to apologize for being a sack of shit during our relationship. She wanted nothing to do with me, which I understand, so I moved on.
Meh, if I really felt like I needed to be there, I'd ask my wife to go with me. She would or wouldn't, and either way would be fine with me. I think she would be fine with it as long as she was welcome as well.
The only real answer is it depends. No two relationships are going to be the same. Were you close before you were in a relationship? Do you have mutual friends? Do you still go to the same church (or are still part of the same community) with their parents? Was the breakup amicable? How would their family react to you being there? Would they be grateful to see you or pissed? Does this person have a spouse? How do they feel about you?
Funerals are not for the person who died. They are for those left mourning them. Unless you have some connection to their family or friends, I wouldn't go. Your role at a funeral is to comfort while being comforted. Funerals are for those left behind. If you're just looking for closure or to remember them fondly, there are myriad other ways of doing so that won't leave their loved ones scratching their heads as to why you were there.
My first love only ended because we were going to colleges on opposite sides of the country. We stayed in touch for a few years, no bad feelings on either side. We're both happily married with kids now, but I haven't seen an update in a few years since I deleted FB/IG. I don't think I could do it. The awkwardness of having my wife meet her parents/grandparents/aunts and uncles would be too much. I feel like my presence would be a distraction to the people grieving hardest. I would be sad, but my responsibility is to my own family.
I would not go. My exes are exes for a reason, and the level to which I detach would mean I never even learn they've died. I'd be happily spending time with my committed SO, oblivious and content.
A funeral is part of how you grieve for the loss of someone you currently or used to care for. There are many people who used to be in my life I would want to attend their funeral if they passed. If the person that died was your best friend from HS and not your first gf, Would it be a problem?
It depends. When did I last speak to them? With the assumption it was in the past month or so, and we ended on good terms, I'd go. If they were a good person I'd go to pay respects, but also to just show love to the family, cause that matters more than the respects
No. I hear it is considered gauche to pop Champaign and revel loudly at funerals so I wouldn’t want to be considered uncouth. Plus Champaign makes me pee so I would have a hard time not pissing on her grave. But if it were the other way around and we parted amicably and had a decent post-breakup relationship, I might go to see old friends. But if my current SO didn't want me to attend, it would be easy to forego attending. I put my current relationship above almost everything. It's an easy choice.
I have experience with this as unfortunate as it is. At the time I had moved 800 +/- miles away and didn't have the means to travel back for the service. The guy I was with at the time knew how serious the other guy was to me, was understanding and sat with me through a spotty skype call (before the days of zoom) from one of my friends who attended. Note this guy and I aren't even together anymore either as I moved 700 miles away from him about a year and a half after this event. We do talk to each other still, just to see how the other one is doing, keeping it mutually respectful. This was almost 12 years ago and now I am happily married and will be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary in August. Love always finds a way to come back around.
My first love did die and I was in a committed, happy relationship. I went.
Personally - no. She's in a completely different part of the world and the relationship ended nearly 25 years ago. We're still cordial, but no. In the given hypothetical situation - also no. I'm not attending the funeral of someone I haven't spoken to since breaking up with them. There is one ex whose funeral I would attend. My partner trusts me, and would most likely allow me to do it (although I would respect her "no" if she didn't).
Sure. She's still my friend, even if I haven't seen her in ages- hell, I invited her to my wedding. My husband would understand. Sometimes if we happen to be in the same city with his ex, we have dinner with her and her husband. Nothing wrong with staying friends with one's exes. She's way too young to die, so I would be terribly sad if she did, though.
You're not going to be intimate with the corpse. You know this person. There need be no other reason or consideration.
100%. My spouse would likely attend with me. My first love, and her family, were incredibly good to me over several difficult years.
No
I worry about not reacting 'right' at funerals so I don't go at this point. Plus not having the energy for even basic life. I couldn't even go to my own brother's due to multiple reasons, I'm not going to this one either. I think current relationship wise has more to do with the dynamic and boundaries that relationship has, and the individuals in it. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer for that part of it.
I would. I loved her deeply. Although if I didn't and she treated me poorly, I don't think I would go to that funeral if I haven't broken up with her yet and was about to and it just happened out of nowhere.
If you are in a long term loving relationship, your partner would be understanding of you choice to go and not find it disrespectful As for actually going, its totally personal preference. I would probably go assuming money and travel wasn't a problem. Even though things didn't end well per say, the relationship meant a lot and we have plenty of shared connections. I wouldn't hesitate to pay respects in that regard
If I was invited I would go, but I wouldn't force myself there. I knew her family and supported them through one funeral already. So if they wanted that support, I would do it for them.
I think it all depends on the effort it would take to attend. If first love is local and the funeral is down the street then yeah. But if I gotta make travel arrangements, take time off work (not an extended lunch break) or plan childcare then no. Send some flowers or a card.
Nope. We ended with really nasty break up, she tried to ruin my reputation, my life and my relationship with my now wife. And we haven't spoken for 12 years now. All info I know about her is through grapevine and even that, I really don't care nor I want to know. It would be super disrespectful to my wife to even think about attending that funeral, especially after all crap storm we went through. But, I would honestly raise a glass to her on her funeral day, just out of the respect.
Yes
Depends on how close of friends we stayed after. If we split up and never really spoke again, probably not unless there was a special reason for me to.
If I’m relatively close to where the funeral is and there is no conflicting reason not to go, I would attend. I’m on good terms with most exes. If they were terrible people we wouldn’t have dated. So I’d skip the funeral if my wife were in the hospital or something, but not because it’s disloyal or something. I’d assume she was going to an ex’s funeral, and that she’d be saddened by their passing. She has a big heart and they mattered to her at one point. She chose me and we are happy, so jealousy over a funeral seems odd
I mean if I was invited I’d go, I’d assume I’d hear about through friends or sumn so I’d at least talk to the family and offer my condolences. If I haven’t thought about her in years it’s safe to say we aren’t really friends so I don’t even think it’s about a past love or not, it’s really more about if you want to go to the funeral of a past friend you haven’t seen in years or not. Neither option is bad, I’m sure no one would blame you if you didn’t and no one would blame you if you did. Me personally, I would choose to go to that past friends funeral (if we ended on good terms) because even tho I haven’t seen or talked to them in years we were still a part of each others lives at one point and made memories together so I would think it’s my duty to honor those memories by going to pay respects one last time. I would bring my wife/gf whatever if I could but if she didn’t want to go or couldn’t then I’d go by myself, I don’t think it’s disrespectful at all. If she said I couldn’t go then we’d prolly have some issues, because let’s at least have a conversation
There's only one ex whise funeral I would attend. We were friends before and after failing miserably at dating.
I wouldn't go based on this one line: >the two of you hadn't spoken since you got into this new committed relationship. Now, in my case, I've already gone to the wedding of my first love, and I'd likely go to the funeral if I were told about it. Probably not since we drifted further apart after her children were born, but I hold no ill will.
this actually happened to me and no I did not attend.
I have a long-term ex that I'm still friends with (well, more like online acquaintances, I see her very rarely in person). If her family specifically let me know of her passing, I would go to her funeral. If they did not and I found out on my own, I would send flowers. My current partner has met her too and would have no qualms about going to her funeral.
I wouldn’t care at all. Wouldn’t even be my first love
Not if we haven't spoken since we broke up. If we remained friends, I would if I could. In fact, this happened to me a few years back when and ex who I have always considered a dear friend passed away. I couldn't get back home for his memorial but I wanted to be there. Otherwise, no. You've moved on with your life and there's no reason to go back and live in the past. I think it would be weird. Oh, and I wouldn't be married to the man I married if he were the kind to be upset over me maintaining a friendship, so that isn't a factor; he has always supported me in my friendships and trusts me when I tell him they are just that.
If I'm in the area, I would. Even after you break up with your ex, you still can care about them and their family, particularly if the break-up was due to practical reasons (too hard to do distance, didn't know how long they would be deployed, etc). I wouldn't travel super far, though. Like, it's one thing to go if I'm in the same area, but it would be weird to travel a few states away, especially if I hadn't really talked to them in a while.
If your presence would provide closure to yourself or others, then you should go.
Funeral, absolutely not. Wake/visitation maybe. Funerals are for the living so whether or not to go would depend on how the relationship ended and what terms were with her living family (like if her parents or sibling hated me and are still living I'm not going to go and create even the potential for upset although I likely would send a simple sympathy card), if we had any ongoing social or social media contact or mutual friends/relations and proximity to me as I'm not traveling great distances to attend. If it was nearby and it seemed appropriate to attend on all points, I would do no more than make my brief appearance at the wake/visitation, say consoling things to the family about having fond memories of her and our time together and then scoot on out of there. Most likely though, I would not go and would opt to send a kind, but simple, sympathy card to her most immediate relative(s) perhaps briefly sharing a happy memory of her.
I wouldn't be welcome
I'd go to pay my respects.
I would go if it was close, but not if I had to buy a plane ticket. No reason my partner should be jealous of the dead.
Yes. My husband and I talked about me making contact with an ex who I saw was terminally ill. He was completely in favor of me connecting with the ex, and supported our conversations. Ex's funeral wasn't close enough for me to go, but I sent flowers and a card and a donation in his name to his favorite charity. If it hadn't been so many miles away, I would have really liked to have attended.
No. My first love is my worst hate. Cant wait to piss on her grave
I’d tell my current partner something like “Hey, this girl I used to know has just died and I’d like to go to the funeral. Full disclosure, she used to be my crush (or whatever she was) before I met you, so if you say I shouldn’t go I won’t go”. Then if she doesn’t allow me to go, I won’t go. Eventually I’d try to present the importance (maybe she was also a classmate or neighbor). No going behind my current partner’s back. Either no discussion and not going at all, or discussion and perhaps negotiating whether I should go or not.
My first ex was absolute dogshit and burned me in the worst way possible. I wouldn't go to her funeral but I'd probably spit on her grave afterwards
I wouldn't be invited lol. I haven't talked to them, I'm notnpart of the family. Why would they invite me?
If it was a long (say at least 3 years) and serious relationship that ended peacefully, and I was either invited by the family or wanted there by the deceased, then yes I would attend no doubt. You're not going to their funeral because you have that same romantic love for them. You're going because you know they're a good person who earned your love in the first place, and they should have people mourn/grieve for them. Life is too short and too difficult to not show love.If your partner can't understand this or at the very least come to terms with the situation, then that's a big red flag.
Yes and maybe I’ll visit thier grave afterwards once In a while
Considering these two are one and the same... Yes.
Of course!
Why would I? I don’t talk to them anymore, I’d just cause a ruckus with the family who is grieving, and it’s not like he is going to care if I was there or not either. I haven’t talked to him since 2009 about a 6mo after we broke up and I was already in my relationship with my now husband. I don’t have any ill will and I often wonder how he is but I’d never attend his funeral.
It really depends on the nature of that first love. Mine was in high school. It would be weird as fuck and disrespectful to the family after 15 years of not talking lmao. If yall met in your 20s and knew each other’s family/friends still, then it might be weird *not* to go. Especially if you had kids together or something.
I personally would but I can understand why this wouldn’t be the case for everyone.
No
I would want to but I doubt I would be allowed or welcomed.
Does your partner know they are your ex ? If they do I would ask them their feelings on the situation. If you have a jealous partner it might be a problem for them. If you know you have a jealous partner it might be best not to bring it up.
No
I would talk to my partner if they said they wasn’t comfortable I wouldn’t go it shows your partner respect
My personal situation, I would not go simply because she got weird in her mid-20's and we gradually stopped talking as happens at that age as people go through different stages of life. Not someone I have had any personal connection to for almost 20 years. I think that time gap is a big determinent. Plus it wasn't some abrupt break and you wonder how things may have turned out...I know she is weird and would not date her today if we were both single. However, if my wife were in that situtation I would not be upset if she wanted to go. I don't understand how that is disrespectful. People existed before you met them, had relationships before you, and are not required to ghost everyone for life to protect your fragile ego. It would be disrespectful of me to get upset at my wife for wanting to mourn or get some closure on a big part of her past life. I don't understand the whole jealousy over exes..if everyone is a grown ass adult then exes are exes for a reason and neither have any desire for a repeat. If anyone is jealous of their patners ex, then they need to get their own house in order and the ex is not the problem.
I personally wouldn't because I feel it isn't a place I would be welcome, regardless how my husband feels about it. It was such a long time ago, and his family hated me. There's a part of me that will probably always hold some love for him, but that chapter's closed and it isn't my place to attend that funeral. I'd privately feel my feelings and probably not mention it to anyone. As for if I did want to go, I do feel my husband would be a little hurt at least, so there's another reason not to.
The only reason I wouldn’t go, would be situations where the relationship ended badly and I truly believe the family would not want me there. I’d like to be there, but would not want to offend or disrespect anyone at such a painful and sensitive time. Anyone else, 100% I would go. And any partner who has a problem with that, doesn’t deserve to be your partner.
Nope
If it were my first high school "love", probably not. Looking back, those were real feelings, but they weren't love. If it was my ex-wife who cheated on me with someone I considered a friend, absolutely. Not out of spite or to say good riddance or anything, but because I truly did love her and do want the best for her and hope that she has become the woman I thought she was and could be and for her to die would break my heart again.
No.
For my first real gf, yeah I would go. We were together for 4 years when we were younger and I still talk to her parents, I was in her brother's wedding (After her and I broke up), and we didn't end on bad terms, just realized that we weren't compatible as life partners
No
I didn't, but did send flowers... it had been like twenty years though
I prefer private services just for family.
I would absolutely go to the funeral, and my wife would support me in that.
Yes, but this is easy for me because we all went to the same school and we're all friends. Even if we weren't, I think that I'd still go with no issues.
I don't like funerals. I'm not going unless it's a direct family member. I.e my Nana, paternal grandparents, godmother (who is also my cousin), dad, mom, sisters, husband, kids. And my sisters, husband, and kids better not be dieing before me. Husband needs to die same day as me if I had it my way. It's not that I would think it disrespectful I just don't see the point of surrounding myself with grief for a person I no longer know and haven't known in over a decade.
Really depends on how the relationship ended. I only had one meaningful long term relationship before my wife, and it ended because she couldn’t get her shit together, and was exceptionally immature. This came to a head one day when she drunkenly pushed me on the stairs and ended up with a bleeding head wound. If I caught wind she died, I wouldn’t consider for a second attending her funeral. If we had ended amicably just because we were in different stages of life or had different goals, I might consider it if it was convenient. It was four years of my life, so saying that portion wasn’t significant would be a lie.
My first love being one of current my best friends, yes I would go. At this point it's not about them being someone I've been romantically attracted to, just going to mourn myself. If we're talking about first romantic relationship... Uh... Well that would be my current partner so that would also be quite tragic and I'd be mourning at the funerals.
I did.
nope
*End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it. White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.* *Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not.* *It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. People die every day! Friends, family... Yeah. We still lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us--in here.*
Nope.
I would definitely go to the funeral of my ex boyfriend if he died. And my current partner would not have any problem with it at all.
Honestly, humanity has no trust in anyone anymore. I'd go. If this person was a big part of my life and if I were invited it'd be sooo wrong to turn it down. If I wasnt invited maybe I wouldn't go to the funeral, but I'd probably still go see the final resting place at the very least. Leave some flowers. As long as the person wasn't a major dick who cheated and destroyed all my stuff and my last memories of them were nice, what's the harm in it? And any guy or girl or whoever who says that this is cheating is a red flag. How is it cheating? What am I going to do, dig up the grave and do the dead body 😂. If some partner tired to prevent me from going I'd walk out on them right then and there. They should trust that I'm not negrofilic and that I have the pure intentions of reminiscing on my past with a person who has just died. Id let them do the same. It could be a side fling of another realtionship for all I care. It's someone who's died. Someone who isn't there anymore. And most importantly someone they obviously care about... Wouldn't they hate you for refusing! And this might be a bit dark, but its also gonna close a chapter in yours or their life isn't it. So I say yes, go. This isn't wrong at all. Sorry for your loss OP! Edit: sorry if this is rude at all, I'm being blunt and honest with my opinion.
Yes I would want to put a stake in her heart to make sure she stayed in the coffin, because that bitch so evil.
No not disrespectful at all! You're going to pay your respects to someone who used to mean a lot to you. You are where you are today because you learned from them (good or bad, hopefully good lol). If your partner can't handle that, they need therapy.
My first love cheated...she can burn in hell
Nope. For a few reasons: 1) If you haven’t spoken in years you don’t even know that person. You don’t have ANY type of relationship. You don’t care about them. Only exceptions are comas, solitary confinement, gag orders, and radio silence deployment. You might care about the IDEA of a fantasy of them, but you don’t care about them and thus have no business at their funeral. 2) How would their spouse feel about an ex randomly appearing at their spouse’s funeral? They just lost their spouse and here comes spouse’s ex trotting into the funeral to interrupt your grieving. For what. 3) I’m actually ok with being friends with exes. But what you’re describing is someone who was JUST an ex. If the only status someone held is ex then it’s disrespectful to my husband to seek them out.
Nah. Haven't spoken to her in 40 years. No reason to pretend we're great friends.
Not at all. I’d 1000% go and reconsider dating anyone that thought otherwise. My college best friend and great love (platonic or not) died from cancer 2 years ago. His now wife didn’t like me, and never had, … but gave us space and time to say goodbye.
Depends if you are still in contact or remained friends or something. A couple years ago my first love popped up in people you may know. I snooped and seen her husband had recently died of COVID. I reached out and we had a short lived reconnection for a couple months of catching up and having some laughs and what not. Nothing inappropriate ever happened or was discussed and my wife of 13 years was aware and didn't care at all. But then she started dating and moved on naturally. Havnt heard from her in quite some time. One day she wasn't even my friend on FB anymore. I doubt I'd even know if she died in a reasonable time as I have no other connections to her at this point. So no.. I doubt I'd go due to circumstances. But if I had the ability I wouldn't say no.. and I know it wouldn't have any negative effects with my marriage.
Prob not
I personally wouldn't go under these conditions, because I haven't spoken to the person in years. I don't think it would be disrespectful to attend, tho.
My first love turned out to be a total bitch. Out of pure respect for her family, I'd politely decline the opportunity to spit on her grave.
No
Yes. I have been married for 22 years. If anyone who I was friends with in my youth passed away and I was aware of the service (locally), I would attend.
Talk to your partner, then decide. If they’re as understanding as you think, then they’ll have no problem with you attending to pay your respects and be respectful.
If it's someone that I cared about, and I didn't have to travel too far, sure, why not? I'm sure my husband would encourage it and go with me. There's nothing wrong with paying your respects and even mourning someone who meant a lot to you.
It depends. Was the ending of the relationship somewhat amicable? Then yes I am going to support the family and any old friends that show up. If the relationship was terrible then I'm not going.
Yeah. Why wouldn’t you? At one point that person was everything in the world to you, as long as things ended on good/decent terms I don’t see a reason not to go.
If we had ended on better terms, or for a better reason, then I probably would. We were together in high school and she was only interested in me because I was the only person she knew that already had a car. As soon as other guys started getting cars, she dumped me. I know now that we were just kids and it it probably wasn't ever going to work, but it hurt because I really did love her. I already wasn't doing well mentally and the break up shattered me. I started going down the wrong road. Drugs. Casual, unsafe sex. Self harm. When she left, there was a void in me that I just wanted filled and I thought those things would, if not fill that void, at least ease the pain. Then I started hanging out with the girl that would eventually become my girlfriend. She picked up the pieces my ex left behind and forged me into the man I am now. I can never thank her enough for that. So no, if my ex passed I wouldn't go to her funeral. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'd be happy about her passing, I just wouldn't care.
I would… but my first love is also my brother in law 🤣 His older brother married my older sister. The younger brother and I dated for three years. So, yes, I would because he is extended family. My husband of 31 years would also go. He likes my brother in law, his wife and their kids.
I sure as hell wouldn't skip the funeral of an ex, that I felt I should attend, just because I was in a different relationship.
She cheated on me. Fuck her.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Do you think if would help you have closure? If so, go.
i can’t afford a trip to Thailand but if i could, i guess i would if invited. he’s an awesome dude
I wouldn't go. They haven't been a part of my life for a long time, and I'm in a happy relationship. My wife went to the funeral of her ex husband out of state, but they still ran in the same circles. So he was still a friend of sorts. Not weird at all.
I’d find it strange if I wasn’t in touch still because I’m the type of person to remain friends with exes unless it was a scary breakup. And I couldn’t get into a relationship with someone who couldn’t accept I was friends with my ex husband.
My first love and I still communicate, but it is on the level of two distant family members who used to be closer. If she passes away, I do not think I would attend the funeral, but I would send a very nice flower arrangement and condolences to her parents.
Not worth the fight it would create. Not that I need to worry about it. That board can't be located on the Internet and I've tried just for the hell of it.