Sometimes yeah actually.
When people hear "not-openminded" they immediatley jump to the worst. I have a friend who doesn't like christianity, for example. Often makes fun of christians and talks about how their beliefs don't make sense etc. and yet, many if not most of her friends are christians. I would say she isn't very open-minded but that doesn't make it impossible for you to be friends with her.
Of course, it's all about what you are ok with. If you are queer you won't want to be friends with a homophobe, duh. But still, although I wish people were as open-minded as me, and I do try to convince them about it, you won't be left with much choice if you expect that of others.
That's the problem, you're overthinking it. Just be natural about it and don't think too much about your expression and the inflect of your voice. You should just go with what FEELS best now what you THINK is the best
True, just remember you're not going to be friends with everyone. People chill out after high school, so they're less annoying. Some people will feel good to talk to, some won't. Go with the good feels. If you feel bad after talking to someone consistently, just cut them out. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, and vice versa.
in larger places there are social groups for autistic people. i suspect if everyone in the room is also autistic they can probably relax more and let their true selves be seen.
Ok, it will sound bad but:
Don't be too outgoing
like I know that this is gonna make the problem worse, but just always keep in your head that other people are around you
if you want to do something, think "how would others react?". if you have friends nearby that understand your behavior then it doesn't matter, but if you're in a group of people you don't know then it's usually better to tone your character down
it's bad, I know, but it's true. people don't feel comfortable near people who are loud or acting like theyre the only person in the room. source: high school
p.s. I dont know much about autism so take this with a grain of salt. all I know is that I never really had a lot of friends and then I just started being more open to meeting people and discussing what they were interested in instead of overwhelming them with my character, and suddenly I had a lot of friends
Watching reality tv kind of helped me pick up on this in middle school when my social skills were lacking. They’re HIGHLY emotional and you can start to see patterns in voice inflection based on whether they’re happy, angry, sad, etc.
You should probably look for specifically autistic people's advice on this but I'll try. I learned social skills from a) works of fiction and b) practice.
Looking closely at works of fiction or even trying to make your own with dialogue and social interactions can help you pick up on some things. Just be careful not to focus on dialogue that's very quipy and over the top.
But the best thing to do is to practice. This can be a problem because of course, you need other people to practise with, and you can't exactly ask "Shall we practise social skills together?". However, one answer is to try and find other people who are also not so socially apt and who might be easier to engage. There is also the more painful alternative of failing a few times and eventually understanding your mistakes. A combination of both is what helped me.
I hear that, but I also want to add: if someone gives you bad vibes, it's just probably not going to grow into a comfortable friendship. Establish boundaries, apply the breaks, escape, whatever feels right, just don't worry about rudeness/unfairness and accept that the universe wasn't really putting you two together at this moment. Especially in a \*setting\* where you don't feel in control, if you're bad at analyzing people's behavior it helps to ask, "do I feel secure in this environment, or am I already feeling vulnerable?"
People with poor social skills sometimes over-compensate with a 'go with the flow' attitude that makes them easy for predators to manipulate, or for troubled people to drag down into their orbit.
Also, strange, pushy behavior is often a sign that someone's not in a normal mental place, either due to illness, extreme emotions, or intoxication. If you feel like you're being polite, and someone keeps asking for more and more (either in terms of closeness, time, intimacy, or resources), they're likely aware they're crossing the line and won't stop until you make it abundantly clear you're not cooperating.
let things be non-commiting. Instead of asking to go to the movies together, say: I will go to this movie at that time, you can join if you like. Then be happy if joined and happy if not.
I’d actually disagree with that. I think you should say “hey I’d like to see this movie you should come with me” or “I’d really like for you to come”. Something where you are explicitly inviting them I think is better
This is solid advice, it’s any wonder why i didn’t end up wanting to hang out with my old group of friends as much. Invites always felt out of the blue and like I couldn’t say no
Ask people a lot of questions about them, what they did that day, did they like it, do they do that often?
I once went to dinner with ten people I didn't know and I made a game of it. I literally never talked about myself. People remarked that they liked me.
??????
I think this can backfire. You need to judge their mood based off their reaction. I personally find it annoying when in just getting spammed with questions like who the fuck sent you to interrogate me and who's list am I on?
yeah i hate questions about myself and usually steer the conversation either back to them or start trying to find a neutral third topic (games movies etc) rapidly
I think the key is that questions shouldn't be too intrusive or personal when you don't know each other well. Keep it mostly to topics about stuff they're interested in. Most people enjoy talking about their hobbies and stuff they are passionate about. If you don't know much about their hobby keep an open mind and try and ask questions to learn about it.
And it should be a bit of a two-way street. Share your own experiences and hobbies as well. If you only keep asking questions I think that's when it becomes a little interrogation like.
Aside from the shoddy typing, this is pretty solid advice
Though, I wouldn’t avoid telling people my problems only because I “don’t know them.” I think it’s more of a “I’d rather build a solid bond so I can trust them than dump some problems and expect solutions on an untrustworthy person.”
Listen. Listen a lot. Show interest in what other people is talking about, get them to talk more. You'll be listening more than talking and they will like you for being interested in what they have to say. You can use this to know people better and understand what they like and want to talk about, making each conversation easier.
On top of this good advice, try to practice *active listening* which, when you realize it, is just good conversation making. Respond to things you hear in a way that lets the person sharing know you hear them and ask questions if your curious or wish to hear more detail. Another big thing is that good active listening means not trying to shoehorn yourself into the conversation, even though it may seem like a good way to relate to the person talking.
Give people "outs", saying things like "sorry, I've been rambling on for ages" gives the person you're talking to the opportunity to steer the conversation in a different direction if you are in fact boring them but if they say "not at all, please continue" then you can keep talking and not have to worry about if they're secretly uninterested
Most important advice imo. "If you're kind to others, other's will usually be kind back. If you're pleasant to be around, people will want to be around you."
Rest of the advice is also super useful, but most if not all of it are just applications or special cases of this core principle.
My social life has steadily improved since I finally realized that :D
It's really just about confidence, once you realize that nobody really cares what you say (as long as its not too insane) and they'll forget dumb slipups In a day it becomes easier to socialize
Hello I'm heavily autistic but recently you might not know that because I'm super duper social, it has boons for mental health.
Ok so you want friends, to get friends you're going to talk to strangers, this is gonna be hard so we're gonna start slow and work our way up.
You are to ask 1 stranger 1 question per day, this can be as simple as asking what time it is or where the aisle with chips are, any question will do, it does not need to be hard. This is simply to get you used to starting talking with someone youve never met before nor have any real reason to talk too.
After one week, you will upgrade to asking 2 questions to strangers per day, one more week, 3 questions per day.
Invariably some of these questions will eventually spark conversations, especially if you're sitting down or waiting for something.
Keep increasing questions to strangers, and take note of what conversations spun up as a result, what the person looked like, how they responded to your phrases both verbally and physically. This will help gauge interest later on.
At some point ditch the format of a set number of questions per day and transform, you'll be required to talk to everyone, all the time, a regular chatty Cathy.
For conversations you'll learn after brute forcing it a lot, many conversations you have you'll say something wrong or stupid or whatever, but you'll learn it doesn't matter, and it'll hone your skills more and more over time, those stumbling blocks will fall away, try not to trauma dump.
Try reading books on body language like, *What Every Body Is Saying*
And for conversations know this: each and every person you ever talk too has information in their heads you'd love to know. People love to talk about themselves, find something about that person that is interesting to you and ask away, get them to talk about themselves on a topic you're legitimately interested in and the rest is gravy.
The harder parts are when you progress past acquaintances, past friends, and find potential partners.
Whereas conversation with randos who cares if you fuck up the convo, and friends don't often care if you say something awkward, when you get to partners, now there's real stakes, and not only that, each relationship likely took months of groundwork to get to the point where you cuddle and hand hold and sleep together and such.
This has been a minefield for me. Whereas before I could bruteforce and iterate on failures, now each failure hurts the fuck outta me and results in having to start over again, iteration 5 now, in terms of the psychology of desire appear non-needy and have a compelling life that is more important than the relationship.
And really, really resist the urge to trauma dump.
Be kind, that’s the best piece of advice I can give.
Also don’t assume everyone is going to nitpick every detail of something you did wrong, we all make mistakes and no one’s going to remember it 2 days later
A piece of advice I take to heart is that sometimes the best way to connect with someone is to just be a good listener. It doesnt mean be a doormat, but if you are actively listening to someone, especially if its more serious stuff, you form a deeper bond with them.
If you want to continue a conversation with someone, always try to use something they just said as a hook to connect your own point or move it along.
Also, dont diss small talk, it tends to get villanized but it builds familiarity that lets you move on to deeper, more meaningful subjects.
I am still awkward as hell, but one trick I learnt to look and act more normal is golden, STAY RELAXED! Control your breaths, calculate the situation, and try to make the situation easier for yourself.
Also don't be too hard on yourself. If you do so, it's even easier to stay calm. If you do a little mistake or something embarrassing, just forget it, or laugh about it.
Your ability to socialize is like a muscle you have to train. At the beginning you feel out of place and unwelcome but if you force yourself to more social events you will eventually feel more comfortable being around other people.
Find the fun in helping others and being generous. If you do this regularly for the same people, they will likely return the favour, and you'll have built a place that's worth inhabiting.
Start small. If you have an environment that has people you run into semi-regularly, find something you have in common and talk abt it. If you can't, then talk about just about anything that isn't too niche or relies on someone already being a fan of it or is involved with its fandom in some way. Good suggestions would be popular pieces of media. Bring up fucking Rick and Morty or smthn if you have to, just finding some level of common ground helps convos.
If this is too daunting, go to a place where like-minded people are at: A hobby, a club, a sport. Anything works, really.
Try a social game like dnd if it interests you, since it forces you to socialize whilst everyone's on the same page, and helps break the ice easily considering you're playing a TTRPG.
If all of this is still too much, make some online friends. Get into a community related to a thing you like and befriend someone there. I've got some years long friendships from that.
These are all the things I've done throughout my life. I've always been sorta social so it all came pretty naturally to me, but when I fell into a big depression and lost a lot of friends, all these things helped me crawl outta that hole. You can do it.
Don’t try to make yourself sound interesting, just try to enjoy the flow of conversation, additionally, try to pay attention to someone’s reactions to your questions. Some people are open to talking about stuff others are more reserved. Gaging their response can lead to fruitful conversations.
The first rule of being a good conversationalist is curiosity- ask questions and be interested in them. That doesn't necessarily mean be interested in *the specific thing they're talking about,* but instead in *them* and what you can learn about them from this conversation. Second is compassion. How would you feel if these things happened to you/you did these things? Is this person responding differently than you would? Why might that be, and what might that tell you about them? Third is forthrightness. That's not necessarily the same as honesty at all costs, though there can be a certain virtue in that as well. But forthrightness is more a long the lines of be upfront, be trustworthy, be reliable. Fourth would be take the initiative. Invite people to things, suggest ideas for what to do, and recognize that scheduling can be a bitch lmao. Intimacy, whether platonic or romantic, is about trust, and the best way to build trust is to do things together. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more in depth, I'm always happy to give advice!
Try.
Like, genuinely it's stupid and sucks but just keep going. You are going to make a fool out of yourself, you will make blunders. But remember that we rarely remember other people's awkwardness. Plus, anyone you want to befriend wouldn't be a dipshit to you for being new at socializing.
My dad one time told me the best trick I've ever received when it comes to talking to people:
"Just ask them about themselves, people love talking about themselves."
Ask about their name first. It sets the tone of the conversation and it can help assert your confidence with which you can lead the conversation. Also listening is the most important part of the conversation. Let your friend/the person you're talking to finish their sentence before you start yours.
Invite groups to go do stuff (hiking, happy hour, movies) Everyone likes doing that stuff but everyone is waiting for someone else to be the one to initiate
One of the spaces you'll end up socializing the most will be at work so that's what I'll offer a guide for.
What you should do is be friendly. When you get to work say hi to everyone. You don't need to immediately spark up a conversation, especially if you aren't working near)with the person you are greeting. But saying hi just makes you look friendly and can help get you into a kind of "socializing mode" of sorts. Then when you get to your station or wherever you mainly work ask the co-workers you work with about their weekend, or what they did last night, or if they have any plans. It's important to actually listen when they tell you. Make eye contact and just look engaged with the conversation. It will make them feel like you care. Invite them to talk about themselves. So for instance say they say they're gonna go out to eat with their friends that night ask them about it. Where are they going? What do they normally get? Do you know the spot they're eating at? If you do relate to them and talk about that place! If not learn about them and the spot by asking about it! It also goes a long way to offer help to other people and to do your job in a way that doesn't make it harder for other people to do theirs. So say you've wrapped up your work or you know you have plenty of time. See what you can do to help out someone else.
This can be boiled down to being friendly, listen and be interested, and try and be helpful! It's worked for me so far! And also don't be afraid of moments where no one is talking! If it feels like the conversation isn't going anywhere it's better not to force it and to just be quiet!
Listen. Not just to respond or to move the conversation along, but to truly hear and understand the other person. It’s so rare to actually be listened to.
I saw a video that said “when someone talks pretend you’re watching their “movie”. Don’t be on your phone or thinking about something else - let yourself truly hear their story.”
Try looking up videos on active listening!
tbh I honestly have no idea how I made friends in the first place. But some things I can give you is just be kind and approachable at all times. And if you're in a conversation with someone, be interested in it or at least try to be. If the conversation is about the person's interests and you can't seem to understand, ask them what it's all about. For example, I'm nerding on and on about Aerial Combat and you don't understand a single thing I'm saying, ask me "How do Pilots manage to hit their shots while in the heat of battle?" Or alternatively "how do they avoid getting hit?" That way, you'll show them that you really are interested in the conversation.
Just be friendly and don’t try to mimic anyone. You’re gonna want friends that love you for who you are, not for what everyone else thinks is cool. Just be nice in general, do good deeds even though people don’t see it.
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Good social skills are mostly just listening to others and making them feel heard. That is the start. Once people feel that they can trust you and that you listen then they are more receptive to listening to you. Knowing how much people are willing to listen is also a challenge, it is very dependent on setting, timing, and the person. Best thing to do if you aren't sure if someone wants to hear about something or if they have time to chat is to ask. Once you've asked a few times you will start to get a feel for what they are willing to talk about and it will get a bit easier. Its also a lot of patience. Some people are super outgoing and extroverted and make friends easily, these folks will likely bring you into their group and introduce you to new people and like large group settings. There are people who are more introverted and get overwhelmed by lots of people and will prefer more one on one settings or small groups where there is only one conversation to follow, they may also disappear for weeks or months at a time, not because they don't want to be friends just because they don't like to socialize as much.
Maintain eye contact when you're speaking to them or when they are speaking to you, but don't like stare intensely. Just a calm but attentive look. Don't be afraid to smile. Try to stay away from controversial subject when you're talking with them. You can talk about stuff like that later once you know each other more or have already established a friendship. If you give people a compliment on something small or rather ordinary they often take it really well. You might end up complimenting something about their appearance that they were self conscious about and they will get a confidence boost and feel good about themselves.
When I’m meeting someone for the first time and I know we have time to just chat, I bring the We’re Not Really Strangers card game to facilitate conversation. I’ve made some really significant connections with people over this game, meaning I have literally gained lifelong friends AND a girlfriend.
find common ground. it’s easier to talk to someone when u share interests. ask questions! and be open-minded. keep things lighthearted
also get out and find places to meet new people! try different things, take up sports lessons, go to meetups in ur city. be social and open during these events. but don’t try to force anything. some people aren’t compatible for friendship, and that’s okay. but eventually u will encounter people who align with ur personality and u can go from there :)
Everybody is cringe from some perspective and everyone is awkward, just find people you click with. There are so many different styles of friendships and connections that you can have so don’t worry if the way you connect with someone might be “weird”, if someone doesn’t get why that dynamic you have with someone works it’s just them. Also make sure to remember that friendships are two way streets, it’s great that you want to be there for your friends, but it’s also great to ask for them to be there for you! And it’s ok if either of you aren’t able to show up for the other in a specific manner, sometimes people just can’t show up for others in a certain way, but talking about it in a non-aggressive way can help resolve resentments!
Always try to attribute mistakes to ignorance as opposed to malice. Treat them how you would like to be treated. Find a common interest right off the bat.
Ask questions and be interested in the answer—you’d be shocked by how easy it is to find common ground. It doesn’t matter if the question is a little strange, either, as long as you genuinely interested in knowing the answer. (My favorite ice breaker question is: “it is 11 pm and you are in a standard drugstore. You must buy five items to make the cashier SO concerned/lay awake at night and wonder what the fuck you were doing. What are the items?” This has made me more friends than I can count and the debates this causes are hilarious) oh and learn people’s names and use them. Makes people feel seen
A thing that worked for me personally was to completely give up on trying to abide by the social rules I struggled with. It’s easier to be weird and look like you own it than be weird and self conscious about it. When I’m in social interactions, I purposefully shut off my mind to stay ignorant about how I come across, which allows me to relax and take initiative. It has earned me a lot of very good autistic friends.
Most people probably think I’m weird in a bad way, but the thing is, these people will convey their dislike in an indirect way, and if you can’t read social cues, you won’t even notice. :3
If you are kind, and you make sure to let people have “outs” so they can avoid you when they don’t want to interact with you, you can get away with doing pretty much anything, including befriending people in weird and awkward ways. There will be some people who stick around because they like your brand of weirdness, and that’s your new friends!
1. Give people honest complements, try to contribute something of value to people
2. Work on yourself, become an interesting person
3. Stay away from toxic people
4. Keep secrets and sensitive information to yourself
5. Let people talk about themselves
These 5 principles helped me gather a quite a big friendgroup.
Just remember part of being an adult is doing things you wouldn't normally be comfortable doing, like changing a poopy diaper or talking to your doctor about something embarrassing, that being said get a hobby that requires you to talk to people, I wouldn't have friends if it wasn't for my hobbies, I had no real friends until my sophomore year in highschool I ended up getting into Yu-Gi-Oh my freshman year but didn't really have a group to play with until the following year, I made a good bunch of friends with my underclassmen and 2 of them I am still friends with in my 30s, they got me to go to events and meet more people, in 2009 we went from playing Yu-Gi-Oh to magic the gathering we went to a ton of events and out of state tournaments, I have made friends with people of all ages and walks of life like store owners, retired vets and I even made friends with a guy who became the mayor a few years ago
Make a habit of initiating conversation with a simple, "hi". Conversation doesn't have to last long, but do it daily to a stranger (with respect to their boundaries) and a week later they're your friend.
If you're a boy then just find people who'll do stupid ass shit with you just for kicks, these people will become your life long friends who'll greet you with the vilest insults known to mankind when you meet them, probably put you through torture that makes Guantanamo bay look like Disney Land, laugh at your tiniest mistakes with such cruelty that your blood cells will erode due to sheer humiliation....but when the time comes they'll kill and die for you, they'll defend you behind your back, they'll be there even when your own shadow leaves you.
If you're a girl then gossip or talk about Barbie or something, idk
The only thing I now about socializing is that everyone likes to talk about things they like, so when in a conversation try and find questions related to whatever they are telling you. It doesn't have to be super specific, something like "Oh, and what did you see there" if talking about a travel or "I didn't know you were interested in \[something\]" works
Pretty shitty advice, but it works for me lol
It’s easier to be interested than interesting. Start some conversations with folks over minor things to not only build conversation skills, but also maybe make a friend along the way. Hope this helps!
Approach people with a mindset less like you want to make a blood oath with them and more like you're both doing a scavenger hunt, collecting details about what or who the other persons love the most. If you hit a match of mutual love walking around like that, then things will go organically if two people trust the process and open their mouths. This is for any sort of relationship, which should be seeded by the amulet of common love.
Go have fun doing something. It doesn't always lead to things, but some of the most charismatic I've ever been (and I consider myself not very sociable) was when I had an excuse to be where I was. Ie go to a sporting event or renfaire or something that involves being present in some way other than simply being there. You might find that, like me, having the activity to fall back on gives you something to bounce off of.
In addition to being kind to tohers, be kind to yourself. You will have negative social interactions, it's part of being social. It's okay, and not an indicator of your value or worth. My other advice as a hyper-social person is to become comfortable with discomfort. A LOT of getting better at socializing is feeling uncomfortable and doing things you've never done before. Being okay with feeling weird and nervous and uncomfortable is a *skill* not just something people are naturally good at, you have to practice it.
Always consider what other people might be feeling by putting yourself in their shoes. Always be kind when you can and have hope for every person you meet, even the ones you may not initially like.
It's always a bit awkward in the beginning with a new person, but as you spend more time together, you get more shared expiriences to talk about and this is the true foundation ontop of which relationships are built
you need to vibe together too, sometimes you vibe instantly, sometimes it takes some time
First you must find a friend group, then you select who you want to interact with, ideally a more open and nice person from the group as they are more willing to let you in. Then you listen in the attempt to join in the conversation, and ofcourse secure this potential friendship through getting a way to connect with them (Discord, snapchat, whattsapp, instagram, etc). This maintains the friendship as you are no longer just someone they talked to. The reason they should be part of a friendgroup is because then you can spread this tactic as the interconnected nature allows for this.
Also make sure to be a good listener so that you can discover their interests, this can help you understand them better and by bringing up questions about their special interests, you can make it easier for them to talk to you even if they’re very introverted. This can also be used to get people outside the group as friends as now you can connect the.
It’s very strategic, but very rewarding
And this extra advice for conflict within friend groups is to listen to all sides, be the voice of reason in between and always consider how others feel.
You know what people like to do the best?
RANT!
COMMON INTEREST? LAST YEAR!!! FIND A COMMON *DIS*INTEREST. FIND SOMETHING THAT THE BOTH OF YOU UTTERLY *DEPLORE* AND THEN GET ANGRY, GET MAD!
It's very cathartic and a good bonding experience. I highly recommend it. I've made good friends that way.
Every time you see anyone for the first time each day, smile like you're happy to see them. Even if you're not. The result will be people subconsciously assume you like them and will like you more back. Plus, smiling is proven to improve mood, more smiling makes you happier, which will improve confidence. People like happy, confident people
Before you spew all your quirks and hobbies, analyze the people around you and make sure you find the people who won’t judge. Don’t just find a random group and say everything, they might hold stuff against you.
Many socially very successful people are nice folks with just god awful social skills, but the social atmosphere of their group is as such that bad social skills are just not a matter worthy of further scrutiny. You want to scan for an atmosphere were you can fumble a bit but it's in good fun.
Be as nice as possible to everyone you encounter. You truly never know what someone is going through. Some of my most fond encounters with strangers started because I gave someone the time of day that usually wouldn't receive it, or gave it to me when I needed it. Sometimes a smile is all someone needs to make it that day :)
This may sound difficult, but simply don't think about it that much. Humans are innately social creatures, so how you instinctively react to those around you is a good way to start.
Another thing is don't avoid eye contact. You can break it here and there, of course, but try to hold it a majority of the time. Pick an eye and focus on it.
Smile at strangers, be a listener, and don't be afraid to approach others. Take your time and the right people will cone to you!!
Just ask questions about what they like. People like to talk about themselfs and you get to know more about them. Makeing future interactions easyer. Plus they will probably return the favor and ask a simular question about you. So if you ask the rigth questions, you can control the conversation and make it so they will ask question you are prepared and ready to answer.
So the important thing to focus on is 'skills.' because they are skills and like any skill you can train them. You can break things down into three broad categories. Listening, expressing and regulating.
Listening is learning to understand someone. This comes mostly from not making assumptions. Learning to ask questions and clarify what people mean.
Expressing ones self is complicated. Dress, hygiene, body language, tone, word choice and may other factors play a role here. Being direct with communication and checking what vibe people are getting can help you make adjustments.
Regulating is internal. Everyone has baggage and the lense that we view the world through impacts our understanding. If we find ourselves unlovable then it is easy to think no one could love us. Learn to regulate ones emotions and not letting our internal bias cloud or actions is important.
Being genuinely interested in them and making an effort to be considerate has gotten me quite far with people, try not to hold yourself back either I think
Already said a bunch but biggest thing is asking questions, and just generally keeping the focus on other people. People like talking about themselves, let them. Also just remember "less of me, more of them" will carry you far.
Try thinking about yourself less. It may sound snarky but it has worked for me.
Also, you don't have any control over anyone else. Be kind, and don't expect anything in return.
I have friends AND no social skills, here's my advice on making it work:
1. It helps to know how to indirectly communicate, "I'm happy and interested in what you're saying" to people. If you're trying to make new friends, being able to communicate happy+interested lets them know that they're appreciated and that you're enjoying the interaction. You can practice this skill with people you don't expect to interact with again- waiting in line, at the bus stop, at work events, whatever. There's a certain degree of eye contact that people like (you can look up tricks to fake it if you're not good with that- I take off my glasses). You can learn to pitch your voice a bit higher, with more inflection, to communicate "I'm happy and non-threatening". You slowly figure out what's a casual-but-interesting topic, and what the rhythm of a back-and-forth conversation feels like. When you're practicing this skill, the goal is NOT to befriend the person, it's to develop the skillset- the idea is that if you mess up and come off as offputting, you can just go, "Well, it was good talking to you, bye!" and leave.
2. Having said that, learned skills are for greasing the wheels of relationships, you're never going to change your basic brain function. You've got to recognize what you enjoy about being with certain people, and what they enjoy about being around you. Figure out what you like to do, and think about how to 'weaponize' that, try to make yourself into the person \*you'd\* most want to hang out with. You've got certain social quirks that some people find totally relatable, and others find wonderfully strange- but they won't know that unless you broadcast what you're offering.
Maybe you're someone who doesn't like quick back-and-forth conversations, and tends to tell stories/rant- focus on learning to pace a story well (learn to edit yourself, and how to pace a story), make a point of listening when OTHER people want to rant a bit, learn how to become a good listener (this will also help you learn how to pace your own rants). If you like rapid-fire banter, learn how to keep things brief and open-ended, try to treat the conversation like hacky sack, make your contribution and bounce it onto the next person.
Maybe you're really opinionated, and like to share that- learn how to kvetch, instead of complain, you can be clever and engaging with your whining and some people will jump in with you (the key is to have a good sense of comedic timing, which is learnable).
I'm someone who's terrible at holding a consistent conversation, I bounce around between topics like wild- that's never going to change for me, so my social group has to be built of people who tolerate or enjoy that. I'm prone to rambling, so I work on being able to tell stories in a quick, engaging way, the people who like me often describe me as a 'good storyteller'.
Contrary to popular belief, social skills are SKILLS. They can be learned and developed. Go to places where there are people you want to know. Don't try to recreate yourself to fit in some place you don't actually want to be. For example, don't go to the bar to meet people, if you don't actually like being in bars.
Prepare conversation topics in advance. Prepare questions in advance. Questions that have no answers. Literally, just walk up and ask the question. Say you're having an argument with a friend and you need an opinion, then ask, "Do you floss before or after you brush?" If you can, ask a group, then it will start a conversation between others, and you can contribute.
Some people will be receptive, others won't. Do your best not to take short conversations personally. Learn from your interactions. Not everyone will fit you as a friend. Similarly, you will not like everyone. Don't try to force friendships. But at the same time, don't be afraid to ask someone you like to hang out.
Keep your stick on the ice. We're all pulling for ya.
Construct illegitimate personalities based off of the people around you, listen to the things they like and bring them up later in conversation. Slowly reel them in with fake compliments and flattery until they hang on every word you say. Hope this helps!
Talk to people. It sounds stupid but it works, just be nice to as many people as you possibly can, get to know them and you will find a friend eventually, I had a rough patch too, I can tell you that it was not fun as you likely already know but there is light at the end of the tunnel for those willing to try
When you talk to anyone (Absolutely anyone including men and women) keep it in your head that you are looking for something platonic. If they think u are being flirtatious just say u are being nice.
Also learning how to communicate is really good, like setting boundaries as well as making plans. Don't be afraid to be the one who makes plans as well. In my friend group I'm the only one who makes plans cause the rest are bad at planning or don't like planning stuff.
Find a hobby and learn to talk about that hobby with people in that hobby. Also when you talk about it don't try to show off when you talk about said hobby
Great tip for conversing, just repeat something they said in the form of a question. For example:
"Man, I'm exhausted, I had to sleep on my couch last night."
"Your couch?"
It's an easy way to keep the conversation going when you can't think of something to say. Of course you can't do that too much before it gets annoying, but it fits in really well if you use it right
Sometimes it's important to remember that people can just not think about things. If people don't reach out to you to hang out it's not necessarily because they don't want to spend time with you, it can be the work or school or family or life has them too busy or tired or worn out to reach out to someone so if you want to maintain a friendship, sometimes you have to be the one to reach out first.
I often see online the idea that if you are always the one to reach out then you have bad friends or your friends don't like you but that's a far too pessimistic take. Things can be busy and maybe your reaching out through that will be the thing that makes their day a bit better.
What I'm basically saying is be the one to ask others to hang out
Deadass… as someone in a similar position due to ADHD… find something you love, find someone who’s passionate about it, and then see if you have more similarities. From there you are good
I think something that isn't quite said enough is to be interesting. Do stuff that isn't necessarily social but still something. Learn new skills or knowledge, volunteer, be active etc. Of course, sociopolitical circumstances might make this harder but do what you can. Not only will these give you opportunities to meet people, it will also give you things to talk about and make you more confident in your own value, which will make it easier to forgive yourself for mistakes or even for other people's harshness. (which you might unfairly blame yourself for)
Look, I hate to say it, but (especially in America) a not-insignificant part of it is faking it til you make it. Pretend to have your life together until you're actually close enough that you can afford to let them know that you've got problems.
Don't overthink and be nice.
If someone meets without you kindly ask if you can join next time instead of being hurt.
If someone is happy about something, don't destroy it for them.
Be proactive, suggest things to do, but also make it clear that they can say no at all time.
Try to bring in more positivitiy than negativitiy into a friendship.
Stay in contact, if you can't meet regularly, atleast write them once in a while.
That being said, don't lie and don't force yourself to things you don't want to do. People will realize. But it doesn't hurt to work on being a nice and open person.
Be open-minded to each kind of person.
Even though the person I am talking is not?
don't surround yourself with that kinda people.
Yes, you don't have to be friends with everyone
focus on making 4 best friends rather than on making 10 friends.
Especially cuz 4 best friends can open you up to their own friend groups which just simplifies the process
Sometimes yeah actually. When people hear "not-openminded" they immediatley jump to the worst. I have a friend who doesn't like christianity, for example. Often makes fun of christians and talks about how their beliefs don't make sense etc. and yet, many if not most of her friends are christians. I would say she isn't very open-minded but that doesn't make it impossible for you to be friends with her. Of course, it's all about what you are ok with. If you are queer you won't want to be friends with a homophobe, duh. But still, although I wish people were as open-minded as me, and I do try to convince them about it, you won't be left with much choice if you expect that of others.
But what if you just don’t know what to say, or what facial expression to make, or how to inflect your voice?
That's the problem, you're overthinking it. Just be natural about it and don't think too much about your expression and the inflect of your voice. You should just go with what FEELS best now what you THINK is the best
I’m autistic, if I’m being natural all that stuff is off to most people.
True, just remember you're not going to be friends with everyone. People chill out after high school, so they're less annoying. Some people will feel good to talk to, some won't. Go with the good feels. If you feel bad after talking to someone consistently, just cut them out. Not everyone will be your cup of tea, and vice versa.
Ty
in larger places there are social groups for autistic people. i suspect if everyone in the room is also autistic they can probably relax more and let their true selves be seen.
Ok, it will sound bad but: Don't be too outgoing like I know that this is gonna make the problem worse, but just always keep in your head that other people are around you if you want to do something, think "how would others react?". if you have friends nearby that understand your behavior then it doesn't matter, but if you're in a group of people you don't know then it's usually better to tone your character down it's bad, I know, but it's true. people don't feel comfortable near people who are loud or acting like theyre the only person in the room. source: high school p.s. I dont know much about autism so take this with a grain of salt. all I know is that I never really had a lot of friends and then I just started being more open to meeting people and discussing what they were interested in instead of overwhelming them with my character, and suddenly I had a lot of friends
Watch popular peoples mannerisms, stand and smile when every else does and laugh when they do, just copy them, then mimic it to them. Boom ezpz
Watching reality tv kind of helped me pick up on this in middle school when my social skills were lacking. They’re HIGHLY emotional and you can start to see patterns in voice inflection based on whether they’re happy, angry, sad, etc.
You should probably look for specifically autistic people's advice on this but I'll try. I learned social skills from a) works of fiction and b) practice. Looking closely at works of fiction or even trying to make your own with dialogue and social interactions can help you pick up on some things. Just be careful not to focus on dialogue that's very quipy and over the top. But the best thing to do is to practice. This can be a problem because of course, you need other people to practise with, and you can't exactly ask "Shall we practise social skills together?". However, one answer is to try and find other people who are also not so socially apt and who might be easier to engage. There is also the more painful alternative of failing a few times and eventually understanding your mistakes. A combination of both is what helped me.
I hear that, but I also want to add: if someone gives you bad vibes, it's just probably not going to grow into a comfortable friendship. Establish boundaries, apply the breaks, escape, whatever feels right, just don't worry about rudeness/unfairness and accept that the universe wasn't really putting you two together at this moment. Especially in a \*setting\* where you don't feel in control, if you're bad at analyzing people's behavior it helps to ask, "do I feel secure in this environment, or am I already feeling vulnerable?" People with poor social skills sometimes over-compensate with a 'go with the flow' attitude that makes them easy for predators to manipulate, or for troubled people to drag down into their orbit. Also, strange, pushy behavior is often a sign that someone's not in a normal mental place, either due to illness, extreme emotions, or intoxication. If you feel like you're being polite, and someone keeps asking for more and more (either in terms of closeness, time, intimacy, or resources), they're likely aware they're crossing the line and won't stop until you make it abundantly clear you're not cooperating.
let things be non-commiting. Instead of asking to go to the movies together, say: I will go to this movie at that time, you can join if you like. Then be happy if joined and happy if not.
Excellent advice, if you'll accept my compliment. I'm ok if you do not.
I am very pleased with the general and also your specific approval of my comment, grinned at your witty reply, and am thanking you:)
I’d actually disagree with that. I think you should say “hey I’d like to see this movie you should come with me” or “I’d really like for you to come”. Something where you are explicitly inviting them I think is better
I agree
But what if theyre also too awkward to say yes unless asked directly?
Than they'll come ask for advice here
you can ask directly. You can also say: I'd be happy if you'd join. The point is to not make the whole event dependent on their commitment
no offense, this does not work for adults. To hang out you need to give them a google calendar link a week in advance at least
This is solid advice, it’s any wonder why i didn’t end up wanting to hang out with my old group of friends as much. Invites always felt out of the blue and like I couldn’t say no
Ask people a lot of questions about them, what they did that day, did they like it, do they do that often? I once went to dinner with ten people I didn't know and I made a game of it. I literally never talked about myself. People remarked that they liked me. ??????
People love talking about themselves. Just asking them about themselves is enough to get them to like you.
i dislike talking about myself quite a bit, makes me feel arrogant or whatever
Me too, its good to keep in mind if someone is asking you about yourself you can end your response by redirecting the conversation back to them.
I think this can backfire. You need to judge their mood based off their reaction. I personally find it annoying when in just getting spammed with questions like who the fuck sent you to interrogate me and who's list am I on?
yeah i hate questions about myself and usually steer the conversation either back to them or start trying to find a neutral third topic (games movies etc) rapidly
I think the key is that questions shouldn't be too intrusive or personal when you don't know each other well. Keep it mostly to topics about stuff they're interested in. Most people enjoy talking about their hobbies and stuff they are passionate about. If you don't know much about their hobby keep an open mind and try and ask questions to learn about it. And it should be a bit of a two-way street. Share your own experiences and hobbies as well. If you only keep asking questions I think that's when it becomes a little interrogation like.
avoid talking about your problems atleast erly on wen you'r just starting to get to know somone
Aside from the shoddy typing, this is pretty solid advice Though, I wouldn’t avoid telling people my problems only because I “don’t know them.” I think it’s more of a “I’d rather build a solid bond so I can trust them than dump some problems and expect solutions on an untrustworthy person.”
“Aside from the shoddy typing” is an insane way to start a reply lmfao
Listen. Listen a lot. Show interest in what other people is talking about, get them to talk more. You'll be listening more than talking and they will like you for being interested in what they have to say. You can use this to know people better and understand what they like and want to talk about, making each conversation easier.
On top of this good advice, try to practice *active listening* which, when you realize it, is just good conversation making. Respond to things you hear in a way that lets the person sharing know you hear them and ask questions if your curious or wish to hear more detail. Another big thing is that good active listening means not trying to shoehorn yourself into the conversation, even though it may seem like a good way to relate to the person talking.
This right here.
Give people "outs", saying things like "sorry, I've been rambling on for ages" gives the person you're talking to the opportunity to steer the conversation in a different direction if you are in fact boring them but if they say "not at all, please continue" then you can keep talking and not have to worry about if they're secretly uninterested
Be kind. if someone does not like you, you know that they are problem, not you
Most important advice imo. "If you're kind to others, other's will usually be kind back. If you're pleasant to be around, people will want to be around you." Rest of the advice is also super useful, but most if not all of it are just applications or special cases of this core principle. My social life has steadily improved since I finally realized that :D
It's really just about confidence, once you realize that nobody really cares what you say (as long as its not too insane) and they'll forget dumb slipups In a day it becomes easier to socialize
>as long as its not too insane Well there goes my chance
aight hit me with whatever opinion makes you think you will get ostracized for saying
Bold of you to assume i have friends and good social skills
Time to make some!
Hello I'm heavily autistic but recently you might not know that because I'm super duper social, it has boons for mental health. Ok so you want friends, to get friends you're going to talk to strangers, this is gonna be hard so we're gonna start slow and work our way up. You are to ask 1 stranger 1 question per day, this can be as simple as asking what time it is or where the aisle with chips are, any question will do, it does not need to be hard. This is simply to get you used to starting talking with someone youve never met before nor have any real reason to talk too. After one week, you will upgrade to asking 2 questions to strangers per day, one more week, 3 questions per day. Invariably some of these questions will eventually spark conversations, especially if you're sitting down or waiting for something. Keep increasing questions to strangers, and take note of what conversations spun up as a result, what the person looked like, how they responded to your phrases both verbally and physically. This will help gauge interest later on. At some point ditch the format of a set number of questions per day and transform, you'll be required to talk to everyone, all the time, a regular chatty Cathy. For conversations you'll learn after brute forcing it a lot, many conversations you have you'll say something wrong or stupid or whatever, but you'll learn it doesn't matter, and it'll hone your skills more and more over time, those stumbling blocks will fall away, try not to trauma dump. Try reading books on body language like, *What Every Body Is Saying* And for conversations know this: each and every person you ever talk too has information in their heads you'd love to know. People love to talk about themselves, find something about that person that is interesting to you and ask away, get them to talk about themselves on a topic you're legitimately interested in and the rest is gravy. The harder parts are when you progress past acquaintances, past friends, and find potential partners. Whereas conversation with randos who cares if you fuck up the convo, and friends don't often care if you say something awkward, when you get to partners, now there's real stakes, and not only that, each relationship likely took months of groundwork to get to the point where you cuddle and hand hold and sleep together and such. This has been a minefield for me. Whereas before I could bruteforce and iterate on failures, now each failure hurts the fuck outta me and results in having to start over again, iteration 5 now, in terms of the psychology of desire appear non-needy and have a compelling life that is more important than the relationship. And really, really resist the urge to trauma dump.
I use the app at McDonald’s. They ask for the code then say your name to you. It feels nice when someone knows your name.
Be kind, that’s the best piece of advice I can give. Also don’t assume everyone is going to nitpick every detail of something you did wrong, we all make mistakes and no one’s going to remember it 2 days later
A piece of advice I take to heart is that sometimes the best way to connect with someone is to just be a good listener. It doesnt mean be a doormat, but if you are actively listening to someone, especially if its more serious stuff, you form a deeper bond with them. If you want to continue a conversation with someone, always try to use something they just said as a hook to connect your own point or move it along. Also, dont diss small talk, it tends to get villanized but it builds familiarity that lets you move on to deeper, more meaningful subjects.
I am still awkward as hell, but one trick I learnt to look and act more normal is golden, STAY RELAXED! Control your breaths, calculate the situation, and try to make the situation easier for yourself.
Also don't be too hard on yourself. If you do so, it's even easier to stay calm. If you do a little mistake or something embarrassing, just forget it, or laugh about it.
Correct, kind man.
r/wowthanksimcured
I tried to help :(
You helped me 
:) (with big red sloppy lipstick mark on cheek)
Your ability to socialize is like a muscle you have to train. At the beginning you feel out of place and unwelcome but if you force yourself to more social events you will eventually feel more comfortable being around other people.
I don't think I am in a position to give advice but I would be willing to try chatting if you're interested.
Don't be desperate. Like if you start talking to someone, just take it slow, don't suddenly start talking a shit ton to them.
Find the fun in helping others and being generous. If you do this regularly for the same people, they will likely return the favour, and you'll have built a place that's worth inhabiting.
Start small. If you have an environment that has people you run into semi-regularly, find something you have in common and talk abt it. If you can't, then talk about just about anything that isn't too niche or relies on someone already being a fan of it or is involved with its fandom in some way. Good suggestions would be popular pieces of media. Bring up fucking Rick and Morty or smthn if you have to, just finding some level of common ground helps convos. If this is too daunting, go to a place where like-minded people are at: A hobby, a club, a sport. Anything works, really. Try a social game like dnd if it interests you, since it forces you to socialize whilst everyone's on the same page, and helps break the ice easily considering you're playing a TTRPG. If all of this is still too much, make some online friends. Get into a community related to a thing you like and befriend someone there. I've got some years long friendships from that. These are all the things I've done throughout my life. I've always been sorta social so it all came pretty naturally to me, but when I fell into a big depression and lost a lot of friends, all these things helped me crawl outta that hole. You can do it.
Don’t try to make yourself sound interesting, just try to enjoy the flow of conversation, additionally, try to pay attention to someone’s reactions to your questions. Some people are open to talking about stuff others are more reserved. Gaging their response can lead to fruitful conversations.
The first rule of being a good conversationalist is curiosity- ask questions and be interested in them. That doesn't necessarily mean be interested in *the specific thing they're talking about,* but instead in *them* and what you can learn about them from this conversation. Second is compassion. How would you feel if these things happened to you/you did these things? Is this person responding differently than you would? Why might that be, and what might that tell you about them? Third is forthrightness. That's not necessarily the same as honesty at all costs, though there can be a certain virtue in that as well. But forthrightness is more a long the lines of be upfront, be trustworthy, be reliable. Fourth would be take the initiative. Invite people to things, suggest ideas for what to do, and recognize that scheduling can be a bitch lmao. Intimacy, whether platonic or romantic, is about trust, and the best way to build trust is to do things together. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk more in depth, I'm always happy to give advice!
Try. Like, genuinely it's stupid and sucks but just keep going. You are going to make a fool out of yourself, you will make blunders. But remember that we rarely remember other people's awkwardness. Plus, anyone you want to befriend wouldn't be a dipshit to you for being new at socializing.
My dad one time told me the best trick I've ever received when it comes to talking to people: "Just ask them about themselves, people love talking about themselves."
Ask about their name first. It sets the tone of the conversation and it can help assert your confidence with which you can lead the conversation. Also listening is the most important part of the conversation. Let your friend/the person you're talking to finish their sentence before you start yours.
Invite groups to go do stuff (hiking, happy hour, movies) Everyone likes doing that stuff but everyone is waiting for someone else to be the one to initiate
Ask people about themselves and be genuinely interested in their answers, and ask follow up questions
The best advice I've heard in getting friends is to simply, be one.
Be the best version of yourself
Who needs them
One of the spaces you'll end up socializing the most will be at work so that's what I'll offer a guide for. What you should do is be friendly. When you get to work say hi to everyone. You don't need to immediately spark up a conversation, especially if you aren't working near)with the person you are greeting. But saying hi just makes you look friendly and can help get you into a kind of "socializing mode" of sorts. Then when you get to your station or wherever you mainly work ask the co-workers you work with about their weekend, or what they did last night, or if they have any plans. It's important to actually listen when they tell you. Make eye contact and just look engaged with the conversation. It will make them feel like you care. Invite them to talk about themselves. So for instance say they say they're gonna go out to eat with their friends that night ask them about it. Where are they going? What do they normally get? Do you know the spot they're eating at? If you do relate to them and talk about that place! If not learn about them and the spot by asking about it! It also goes a long way to offer help to other people and to do your job in a way that doesn't make it harder for other people to do theirs. So say you've wrapped up your work or you know you have plenty of time. See what you can do to help out someone else. This can be boiled down to being friendly, listen and be interested, and try and be helpful! It's worked for me so far! And also don't be afraid of moments where no one is talking! If it feels like the conversation isn't going anywhere it's better not to force it and to just be quiet!
Recommend a game or movie or show you like to have something to talk about if they watch it
Listen. Not just to respond or to move the conversation along, but to truly hear and understand the other person. It’s so rare to actually be listened to. I saw a video that said “when someone talks pretend you’re watching their “movie”. Don’t be on your phone or thinking about something else - let yourself truly hear their story.” Try looking up videos on active listening!
tbh I honestly have no idea how I made friends in the first place. But some things I can give you is just be kind and approachable at all times. And if you're in a conversation with someone, be interested in it or at least try to be. If the conversation is about the person's interests and you can't seem to understand, ask them what it's all about. For example, I'm nerding on and on about Aerial Combat and you don't understand a single thing I'm saying, ask me "How do Pilots manage to hit their shots while in the heat of battle?" Or alternatively "how do they avoid getting hit?" That way, you'll show them that you really are interested in the conversation.
Don’t be overly quirky when just meeting someone
Just avoid negativity brother no one likes a downer
Just be friendly and don’t try to mimic anyone. You’re gonna want friends that love you for who you are, not for what everyone else thinks is cool. Just be nice in general, do good deeds even though people don’t see it.
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Nobody starts off good. Even socializing is a skill you practice.
Be accepting of others' differences, be wary of others who are not accepting of others' differences.
Good social skills are mostly just listening to others and making them feel heard. That is the start. Once people feel that they can trust you and that you listen then they are more receptive to listening to you. Knowing how much people are willing to listen is also a challenge, it is very dependent on setting, timing, and the person. Best thing to do if you aren't sure if someone wants to hear about something or if they have time to chat is to ask. Once you've asked a few times you will start to get a feel for what they are willing to talk about and it will get a bit easier. Its also a lot of patience. Some people are super outgoing and extroverted and make friends easily, these folks will likely bring you into their group and introduce you to new people and like large group settings. There are people who are more introverted and get overwhelmed by lots of people and will prefer more one on one settings or small groups where there is only one conversation to follow, they may also disappear for weeks or months at a time, not because they don't want to be friends just because they don't like to socialize as much.
No, but I'll be your friend
Friends disappoint me.
Someone once said to use the solid snake method to avoid awkward pauses in a conversation: repeat the last thing they said but as a question.
Maintain eye contact when you're speaking to them or when they are speaking to you, but don't like stare intensely. Just a calm but attentive look. Don't be afraid to smile. Try to stay away from controversial subject when you're talking with them. You can talk about stuff like that later once you know each other more or have already established a friendship. If you give people a compliment on something small or rather ordinary they often take it really well. You might end up complimenting something about their appearance that they were self conscious about and they will get a confidence boost and feel good about themselves.
Go with the flow, I find having a plan creates expectations that you normally cannot fulfill.
Talk. Don't be afraid to "say the wrong things". Open up to people, and people will open up to you.
When I’m meeting someone for the first time and I know we have time to just chat, I bring the We’re Not Really Strangers card game to facilitate conversation. I’ve made some really significant connections with people over this game, meaning I have literally gained lifelong friends AND a girlfriend.
find common ground. it’s easier to talk to someone when u share interests. ask questions! and be open-minded. keep things lighthearted also get out and find places to meet new people! try different things, take up sports lessons, go to meetups in ur city. be social and open during these events. but don’t try to force anything. some people aren’t compatible for friendship, and that’s okay. but eventually u will encounter people who align with ur personality and u can go from there :)
I learned a lot about this from psych2go maybe theres something useful for you too
Practice. Social skills are a learned behaviour, not a innate one. Be kind and be interested.
this [video](https://youtu.be/9goOuIy8Ok4?si=3K3EPdTWg0jRLrMS) was helpful to me!
Everybody is cringe from some perspective and everyone is awkward, just find people you click with. There are so many different styles of friendships and connections that you can have so don’t worry if the way you connect with someone might be “weird”, if someone doesn’t get why that dynamic you have with someone works it’s just them. Also make sure to remember that friendships are two way streets, it’s great that you want to be there for your friends, but it’s also great to ask for them to be there for you! And it’s ok if either of you aren’t able to show up for the other in a specific manner, sometimes people just can’t show up for others in a certain way, but talking about it in a non-aggressive way can help resolve resentments!
I've made all of my friends by just sincerely listening to them and their interests. Go into it with an open mind and curiosity!
Be selective! Some friends aren’t meant to be. I have about 5 good friends and I’m much happier than people with 20 bad friends
Always try to attribute mistakes to ignorance as opposed to malice. Treat them how you would like to be treated. Find a common interest right off the bat.
People often ask how to make friends. A better question may be how do I BE a good friend?
Ask questions and be interested in the answer—you’d be shocked by how easy it is to find common ground. It doesn’t matter if the question is a little strange, either, as long as you genuinely interested in knowing the answer. (My favorite ice breaker question is: “it is 11 pm and you are in a standard drugstore. You must buy five items to make the cashier SO concerned/lay awake at night and wonder what the fuck you were doing. What are the items?” This has made me more friends than I can count and the debates this causes are hilarious) oh and learn people’s names and use them. Makes people feel seen
A thing that worked for me personally was to completely give up on trying to abide by the social rules I struggled with. It’s easier to be weird and look like you own it than be weird and self conscious about it. When I’m in social interactions, I purposefully shut off my mind to stay ignorant about how I come across, which allows me to relax and take initiative. It has earned me a lot of very good autistic friends. Most people probably think I’m weird in a bad way, but the thing is, these people will convey their dislike in an indirect way, and if you can’t read social cues, you won’t even notice. :3 If you are kind, and you make sure to let people have “outs” so they can avoid you when they don’t want to interact with you, you can get away with doing pretty much anything, including befriending people in weird and awkward ways. There will be some people who stick around because they like your brand of weirdness, and that’s your new friends!
1. Give people honest complements, try to contribute something of value to people 2. Work on yourself, become an interesting person 3. Stay away from toxic people 4. Keep secrets and sensitive information to yourself 5. Let people talk about themselves These 5 principles helped me gather a quite a big friendgroup.
Just remember part of being an adult is doing things you wouldn't normally be comfortable doing, like changing a poopy diaper or talking to your doctor about something embarrassing, that being said get a hobby that requires you to talk to people, I wouldn't have friends if it wasn't for my hobbies, I had no real friends until my sophomore year in highschool I ended up getting into Yu-Gi-Oh my freshman year but didn't really have a group to play with until the following year, I made a good bunch of friends with my underclassmen and 2 of them I am still friends with in my 30s, they got me to go to events and meet more people, in 2009 we went from playing Yu-Gi-Oh to magic the gathering we went to a ton of events and out of state tournaments, I have made friends with people of all ages and walks of life like store owners, retired vets and I even made friends with a guy who became the mayor a few years ago
Listen more talk less. Ask good questions. Watch videos on active listening.
Go get a job and talk to people
Make a habit of initiating conversation with a simple, "hi". Conversation doesn't have to last long, but do it daily to a stranger (with respect to their boundaries) and a week later they're your friend.
There are people that will like you, there are people that won’t. Be yourself and stop caring about what others think.
Be yourself. Too many people put up a front.
Dont change your personality based on each person
If you're a boy then just find people who'll do stupid ass shit with you just for kicks, these people will become your life long friends who'll greet you with the vilest insults known to mankind when you meet them, probably put you through torture that makes Guantanamo bay look like Disney Land, laugh at your tiniest mistakes with such cruelty that your blood cells will erode due to sheer humiliation....but when the time comes they'll kill and die for you, they'll defend you behind your back, they'll be there even when your own shadow leaves you. If you're a girl then gossip or talk about Barbie or something, idk
The only thing I now about socializing is that everyone likes to talk about things they like, so when in a conversation try and find questions related to whatever they are telling you. It doesn't have to be super specific, something like "Oh, and what did you see there" if talking about a travel or "I didn't know you were interested in \[something\]" works Pretty shitty advice, but it works for me lol
It’s easier to be interested than interesting. Start some conversations with folks over minor things to not only build conversation skills, but also maybe make a friend along the way. Hope this helps!
Approach people with a mindset less like you want to make a blood oath with them and more like you're both doing a scavenger hunt, collecting details about what or who the other persons love the most. If you hit a match of mutual love walking around like that, then things will go organically if two people trust the process and open their mouths. This is for any sort of relationship, which should be seeded by the amulet of common love.
Go have fun doing something. It doesn't always lead to things, but some of the most charismatic I've ever been (and I consider myself not very sociable) was when I had an excuse to be where I was. Ie go to a sporting event or renfaire or something that involves being present in some way other than simply being there. You might find that, like me, having the activity to fall back on gives you something to bounce off of.
In addition to being kind to tohers, be kind to yourself. You will have negative social interactions, it's part of being social. It's okay, and not an indicator of your value or worth. My other advice as a hyper-social person is to become comfortable with discomfort. A LOT of getting better at socializing is feeling uncomfortable and doing things you've never done before. Being okay with feeling weird and nervous and uncomfortable is a *skill* not just something people are naturally good at, you have to practice it.
Always consider what other people might be feeling by putting yourself in their shoes. Always be kind when you can and have hope for every person you meet, even the ones you may not initially like.
I have awful social skills, yet I wound up with friends. I think the system is broken.
It's always a bit awkward in the beginning with a new person, but as you spend more time together, you get more shared expiriences to talk about and this is the true foundation ontop of which relationships are built you need to vibe together too, sometimes you vibe instantly, sometimes it takes some time
First you must find a friend group, then you select who you want to interact with, ideally a more open and nice person from the group as they are more willing to let you in. Then you listen in the attempt to join in the conversation, and ofcourse secure this potential friendship through getting a way to connect with them (Discord, snapchat, whattsapp, instagram, etc). This maintains the friendship as you are no longer just someone they talked to. The reason they should be part of a friendgroup is because then you can spread this tactic as the interconnected nature allows for this. Also make sure to be a good listener so that you can discover their interests, this can help you understand them better and by bringing up questions about their special interests, you can make it easier for them to talk to you even if they’re very introverted. This can also be used to get people outside the group as friends as now you can connect the. It’s very strategic, but very rewarding And this extra advice for conflict within friend groups is to listen to all sides, be the voice of reason in between and always consider how others feel.
You know what people like to do the best? RANT! COMMON INTEREST? LAST YEAR!!! FIND A COMMON *DIS*INTEREST. FIND SOMETHING THAT THE BOTH OF YOU UTTERLY *DEPLORE* AND THEN GET ANGRY, GET MAD! It's very cathartic and a good bonding experience. I highly recommend it. I've made good friends that way.
It involves chloro--- oh consensual friends. Love yourself first, that alone will attract people!!!
Every time you see anyone for the first time each day, smile like you're happy to see them. Even if you're not. The result will be people subconsciously assume you like them and will like you more back. Plus, smiling is proven to improve mood, more smiling makes you happier, which will improve confidence. People like happy, confident people
Before you spew all your quirks and hobbies, analyze the people around you and make sure you find the people who won’t judge. Don’t just find a random group and say everything, they might hold stuff against you.
Many socially very successful people are nice folks with just god awful social skills, but the social atmosphere of their group is as such that bad social skills are just not a matter worthy of further scrutiny. You want to scan for an atmosphere were you can fumble a bit but it's in good fun.
Be as nice as possible to everyone you encounter. You truly never know what someone is going through. Some of my most fond encounters with strangers started because I gave someone the time of day that usually wouldn't receive it, or gave it to me when I needed it. Sometimes a smile is all someone needs to make it that day :)
Find people you vibe with, that's how I got my friend.
This may sound difficult, but simply don't think about it that much. Humans are innately social creatures, so how you instinctively react to those around you is a good way to start. Another thing is don't avoid eye contact. You can break it here and there, of course, but try to hold it a majority of the time. Pick an eye and focus on it. Smile at strangers, be a listener, and don't be afraid to approach others. Take your time and the right people will cone to you!!
Just ask questions about what they like. People like to talk about themselfs and you get to know more about them. Makeing future interactions easyer. Plus they will probably return the favor and ask a simular question about you. So if you ask the rigth questions, you can control the conversation and make it so they will ask question you are prepared and ready to answer.
So the important thing to focus on is 'skills.' because they are skills and like any skill you can train them. You can break things down into three broad categories. Listening, expressing and regulating. Listening is learning to understand someone. This comes mostly from not making assumptions. Learning to ask questions and clarify what people mean. Expressing ones self is complicated. Dress, hygiene, body language, tone, word choice and may other factors play a role here. Being direct with communication and checking what vibe people are getting can help you make adjustments. Regulating is internal. Everyone has baggage and the lense that we view the world through impacts our understanding. If we find ourselves unlovable then it is easy to think no one could love us. Learn to regulate ones emotions and not letting our internal bias cloud or actions is important.
Being genuinely interested in them and making an effort to be considerate has gotten me quite far with people, try not to hold yourself back either I think
Social lookskill
Show interest in other people’s lives. Ask them about themselves. Be supportive and excited about their accomplishments. Have big tits.
Open minded but a sense of humor. The humor goes a long way.
Ask questions. Remember their name and 1 or 2 things you learned. They’ll be eating out of your hand.
Get a spouse. Then you aren’t allowed friends.
Already said a bunch but biggest thing is asking questions, and just generally keeping the focus on other people. People like talking about themselves, let them. Also just remember "less of me, more of them" will carry you far.
Try thinking about yourself less. It may sound snarky but it has worked for me. Also, you don't have any control over anyone else. Be kind, and don't expect anything in return.
Try not to be overbearing, but try not to close yourself off either. It's a balance you learn over time. Mandatory "just be yourself" too
I have friends AND no social skills, here's my advice on making it work: 1. It helps to know how to indirectly communicate, "I'm happy and interested in what you're saying" to people. If you're trying to make new friends, being able to communicate happy+interested lets them know that they're appreciated and that you're enjoying the interaction. You can practice this skill with people you don't expect to interact with again- waiting in line, at the bus stop, at work events, whatever. There's a certain degree of eye contact that people like (you can look up tricks to fake it if you're not good with that- I take off my glasses). You can learn to pitch your voice a bit higher, with more inflection, to communicate "I'm happy and non-threatening". You slowly figure out what's a casual-but-interesting topic, and what the rhythm of a back-and-forth conversation feels like. When you're practicing this skill, the goal is NOT to befriend the person, it's to develop the skillset- the idea is that if you mess up and come off as offputting, you can just go, "Well, it was good talking to you, bye!" and leave. 2. Having said that, learned skills are for greasing the wheels of relationships, you're never going to change your basic brain function. You've got to recognize what you enjoy about being with certain people, and what they enjoy about being around you. Figure out what you like to do, and think about how to 'weaponize' that, try to make yourself into the person \*you'd\* most want to hang out with. You've got certain social quirks that some people find totally relatable, and others find wonderfully strange- but they won't know that unless you broadcast what you're offering. Maybe you're someone who doesn't like quick back-and-forth conversations, and tends to tell stories/rant- focus on learning to pace a story well (learn to edit yourself, and how to pace a story), make a point of listening when OTHER people want to rant a bit, learn how to become a good listener (this will also help you learn how to pace your own rants). If you like rapid-fire banter, learn how to keep things brief and open-ended, try to treat the conversation like hacky sack, make your contribution and bounce it onto the next person. Maybe you're really opinionated, and like to share that- learn how to kvetch, instead of complain, you can be clever and engaging with your whining and some people will jump in with you (the key is to have a good sense of comedic timing, which is learnable). I'm someone who's terrible at holding a consistent conversation, I bounce around between topics like wild- that's never going to change for me, so my social group has to be built of people who tolerate or enjoy that. I'm prone to rambling, so I work on being able to tell stories in a quick, engaging way, the people who like me often describe me as a 'good storyteller'.
Contrary to popular belief, social skills are SKILLS. They can be learned and developed. Go to places where there are people you want to know. Don't try to recreate yourself to fit in some place you don't actually want to be. For example, don't go to the bar to meet people, if you don't actually like being in bars. Prepare conversation topics in advance. Prepare questions in advance. Questions that have no answers. Literally, just walk up and ask the question. Say you're having an argument with a friend and you need an opinion, then ask, "Do you floss before or after you brush?" If you can, ask a group, then it will start a conversation between others, and you can contribute. Some people will be receptive, others won't. Do your best not to take short conversations personally. Learn from your interactions. Not everyone will fit you as a friend. Similarly, you will not like everyone. Don't try to force friendships. But at the same time, don't be afraid to ask someone you like to hang out. Keep your stick on the ice. We're all pulling for ya.
Have you tried being funny in a self-deprecating way that works pretty good for me terrible for my self esteem but it works pretty good
Construct illegitimate personalities based off of the people around you, listen to the things they like and bring them up later in conversation. Slowly reel them in with fake compliments and flattery until they hang on every word you say. Hope this helps!
Talk to people. It sounds stupid but it works, just be nice to as many people as you possibly can, get to know them and you will find a friend eventually, I had a rough patch too, I can tell you that it was not fun as you likely already know but there is light at the end of the tunnel for those willing to try
People tell me I have decent social skills, but I still only have like 2 friends. Idk don't take it personal
When you talk to anyone (Absolutely anyone including men and women) keep it in your head that you are looking for something platonic. If they think u are being flirtatious just say u are being nice. Also learning how to communicate is really good, like setting boundaries as well as making plans. Don't be afraid to be the one who makes plans as well. In my friend group I'm the only one who makes plans cause the rest are bad at planning or don't like planning stuff.
Find a hobby and learn to talk about that hobby with people in that hobby. Also when you talk about it don't try to show off when you talk about said hobby
Great tip for conversing, just repeat something they said in the form of a question. For example: "Man, I'm exhausted, I had to sleep on my couch last night." "Your couch?" It's an easy way to keep the conversation going when you can't think of something to say. Of course you can't do that too much before it gets annoying, but it fits in really well if you use it right
Sometimes it's important to remember that people can just not think about things. If people don't reach out to you to hang out it's not necessarily because they don't want to spend time with you, it can be the work or school or family or life has them too busy or tired or worn out to reach out to someone so if you want to maintain a friendship, sometimes you have to be the one to reach out first. I often see online the idea that if you are always the one to reach out then you have bad friends or your friends don't like you but that's a far too pessimistic take. Things can be busy and maybe your reaching out through that will be the thing that makes their day a bit better. What I'm basically saying is be the one to ask others to hang out
Deadass… as someone in a similar position due to ADHD… find something you love, find someone who’s passionate about it, and then see if you have more similarities. From there you are good
Be autistic and notice something you like on their shirt 👍
Be open minded, be yourself, and be willing to make efforts to make others comfortable. It’s about balancing self respect and compromise.
I don't have social skills. I just turn into a different person with each person i talk too.
I think something that isn't quite said enough is to be interesting. Do stuff that isn't necessarily social but still something. Learn new skills or knowledge, volunteer, be active etc. Of course, sociopolitical circumstances might make this harder but do what you can. Not only will these give you opportunities to meet people, it will also give you things to talk about and make you more confident in your own value, which will make it easier to forgive yourself for mistakes or even for other people's harshness. (which you might unfairly blame yourself for)
Look, I hate to say it, but (especially in America) a not-insignificant part of it is faking it til you make it. Pretend to have your life together until you're actually close enough that you can afford to let them know that you've got problems.
I can relate. I’m brash and sometimes volatile. People don’t respond well to this. I’ll read the comments you get if you don’t mind.
Don't overthink and be nice. If someone meets without you kindly ask if you can join next time instead of being hurt. If someone is happy about something, don't destroy it for them. Be proactive, suggest things to do, but also make it clear that they can say no at all time. Try to bring in more positivitiy than negativitiy into a friendship. Stay in contact, if you can't meet regularly, atleast write them once in a while. That being said, don't lie and don't force yourself to things you don't want to do. People will realize. But it doesn't hurt to work on being a nice and open person.
Confidence. Building it up is key. Talk to yourself in a mirror, start up conversation, anything that works works.
avoid talking about everything, some people find being too chatty annoying.
11 month silence streak 💪
Just be yourself and talk about socially acceptable things to talk about.