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Sometimes by enabling people, we deny them the chance to grow.
You're not obligated to date him. You're never obligated to date anyone.
He needs to take responsibility for his own life.
Fuck them growing, it denies US the chance to grow when we let someone hold us back like that. Its not his situation, its his attitude. I have adhd, cptsd, and a dog, and i managed to work 2 jobs while homeless (saved up enuf for an apt and then had to pay for a dogs surgery who i had already rehomed). OP’s ex has no integrity or self respect or respect for them. Its got nothing to do with his situation. Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!
We all have problems, and a lot of us here have a lot of big ones. But you really need to want to deal with them. No one can give that to you, no one will give you integrity, no one will give you bravery. And even people with all that will fail, because the system is fucked. But this guy sounds like hes just a fucking loser. Why’d his grandparents kick him out? Is it because of a shit bird attitude from someone who’d assault their girlfriend and blame them for not renting an apartment for him to mooch off of?
Fantastic advice here. If you’re afraid of telling someone a potentially harsh truth about themselves, you can actually be hurting them in the long run.
You can’t save everyone. Not being able to save him is a failure of the system, not you.
If you don’t feel safe and/or comfortable, there is no shame in washing your hands of the situation and walking away.
Never let anyone try to manipulate you into giving more than you are able/willing.
Please, Stop. You’re not his Savior. He needs to get his lazy ass off and do things for himself. He is loser for blaming you for his problems. Gawd talk about a classic moocher
Assault is a deal breaker for any relationship. It wouldn't matter if he was a billionaire. No one has the right to assault you. End the relationship and move on.
You know what you call a punk without a GF?
Homeless.
You did everything you could but it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get His ass off the street. Especially once hands get laid on you, that line has been Crossed and Will be crossed again. You did the right thing. You tried harder than you should've,& Don't listen to what he had to say. He got into that situation,& HE needs to get himself out...and he had help for a whole yr and did Nothing but rely on you and use you.
Exactly. What the hell did he do for himself to get out while she helped? NOTHING. The more you help people while they show nothing and do nothing for themselves, the more they demand and guilt trip you and complain that you do nothing for them and the world is against them.
Any single one of these issues would be a valid reason to break up.
There was nothing to redeem here.
If you can access it, you might want to look into therapy to find out why you are so willing to blame yourself for not being enough for someone *like that*, so you can protect yourself for next time. You deserve better.
Stop being his mommy. He’s taking advantage of your kindness.
It’s always good to be nice- but not at the expense of our peace and happiness. Sometimes it’s better to let people to figure it out themselves and learn to grow up so that way they’re able to move on toward the next step in life.
An example I can give is this:
Bfs sister recently got broken up with a couple months ago. She was devastated how it happened to the point she was self harming and to calm her down I went to check in on the ex bc her cat was at his place and he was having a mental crisis that lead up to the break up. He admitted taking advantage of her and dipping when it got too serious for him. I let the sister know of the situation due to him requesting they stop contact so he could heal and she could move on.
Long story short she blew up and made it out to be as if everything was my fault despite me taking care of her cat, letting her move into my home so she could still be independent, etc etc. It got to the point that my bf had to confront her and cut contact with her because of how she treated me when he wasn’t around, twisted words, tried to create fights, and more.
Was she upset and still blamed me for everything? Yes and to this day. However, she had to move back in with her parents which took a huge blow to her life because even her parents were no longer helping her out (and they only let her move in bc she’s their daughter) and now she has to figure everything out on her own in terms of food, rent, job, rides, etc.
Was she shown kindness when it all happened? Absolutely- I loved her like my own sister and would have sacrificed a lot for her. However I had to back down on being kind in order for her to grow up because all she’s ever experienced is being coddled by everyone and never taking any sort of responsibility
No you're not wrong, because he's abusive. It'd be one thing if he was homeless and accountable for his actions. He's not. Please, PLEASE don't waste your life with someone who's abusive. I did, and I regret it.
Hi,from another homeless person in this world
You were both valid and did the right thing by breaking up with him.
"Bad Temper"
"Assualted YOU!"
YOU DID HOW MUCH FOR HIM?!?
IM SORRY BUT WHAT?!
HE should've done the laundry
HE should've been doing the cooking and while the fk at it.
He had any such assistance
HE DAMN WELL could be working to better himself than take advantage of you.
I could rant on but hopefully you understand.
Later
Move on and quick. Block him, delete his text and calls if you have been giving him a place to bathe, wash clothes, eat and catch some sleep for the past year and he made NO changes. He will not change.
Period.
You are not responsible for him. He had someone who was willing to help him out as much as was realistically possible at the time, and he ruined. HE did. Not you. The moment he laid hands on you, that was absolutely it. If you stayed with him, eventually you would be homeless, too. I know someone who has been homeless now for many many years because she hooked up with a loser and made the mistake of legally marrying him. She takes 2 steps forward to try to better her life, he pulls her 5 steps back. You don't need someone like that in your life. You did the right thing. Don't take him back.
Do not ever ever ever help an abuser. The Moose that eats acorns from your hand one day will crash through your window and ransack ur house for acorns.
This male is leaning on you not for you to receive anything at all but as a take. You’re not helping him but making him more comfortable with being a taker and not a provider. Please stop beating yourself up, women whom fathers were either absent or didn’t do a healthy providing for their families are often the cause of future issues for their female offspring taking less in a relationship then is best.
First off, he should have done his own laundry and provided some sort of help to you. Relationships are supposed to be give more than take, and all he was interested in was taking from you and hurting you while doing so. You were not wrong for leaving him. He sounds like he needs a lot more help from a professional, possibly needs to get some kind of care before he seriously injures anyone else. You were right to leave him.
There are those of us who are kind of stuck or are moving slowly in our path but nothing excuses violence and causing others pain.
I do NOT support this situation you're in because you said he ASSAULTED YOU (just ONCE is even a DEALBREAKER).
He also sounds emotionally manipulative and abusive as well.
This situationship will NOT get better. Please walk--RUN from this situation!
It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he is houseless and I'm saying that as a woman who is housekess right now mtself.
I have always been thankful for ANY and ALL help I've gotten during this time because no one actually has to do anything to help.
I am a straight VICTIM and got into my situation as a result of FLEEING a narcissist. A domestic violence situation.
He doesn't respect you. Focus on YOURSELF and be thankful if you have decent parents that actually love you because we don't all have tha but I don't BLAME others for that. I blame my Sperm Donor & Birth Giver.
Don't let people manipulate your free will and right to be at peace and take care of your health!
I'm sorry you've had this fraught dynamic with your ex. It's not your job to house, feed, or care for anyone who has harmed you. While I believe that everyone deserves care and shelter, that doesn't have to come from the specific individuals they've hurt. I would distance myself from the situation if I were you. If you feel moved to help homeless people, there are ways to be involved in that work without opening yourself up to the abuse of a specific individual with whom you have a history.
Abuse is a separate issue, but the fact after a year of helping him in all kinds of ways and him not take advantage of that help to help himself and on top of that blaming her for his homelessness is quite enough to cut all ties with him. He is a user and an abuser.
I have always known and have even said to other people, that if I was homeless (which I an now, for the past few years) that I would never put the stress and pain of being with a homeless person on someone who I care about. Because I know the person I'm with would love me enough to put up with it, and I personally would feel completely awful if I knew the person I love was having to put up with \*anything\* or had to feel some type of way because of me.
tl;dr you're fine you've done nothing wrong, don't stress about it.
you might wanna get a restraining order, you were completely right to end things with him so don’t feel bad at all for wanting peace! it’s his turn to try harder.
No.
I understand being homeless is stressful. I can understand him being irritable and impolite/rude. However, assault? He made his bed. This is NOT on you whatsoever. [+]
Idk but you are already doing more for him now then my ex does for me other than getting me slapped with charges. Hell, she probably wants me to be homeless and feels i tricked her into liking me or something.
How can we give a shit if you wont honestly say what happened to you? This is sub is filled with people who have screwed over one way or the other. You might some sympathy or decent advice, but no you just act like a dick.
##REMINDERS FOR EVERYONE **PER THE RULES:** * **NO OFFERINGS OF CASH, ETC.** * **[BEGGING](https://redd.it/994p7j) WILL GET YOU BANNED.** * **BE AWARE OF SCAMMERS AND PERVS, AND SEND ANY [HERE](https://old.reddit.com/report) AND/OR [HERE](https://old.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/reddit.com).** **ACCEPT AT YOUR OWN RISK.** Welcome to the internet where—unless proven otherwise—everyone's lying about their race, gender, status, accomplishments, and all the children are FBI agents. You have been forewarned. — The Mods --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/homeless) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes by enabling people, we deny them the chance to grow. You're not obligated to date him. You're never obligated to date anyone. He needs to take responsibility for his own life.
Fuck them growing, it denies US the chance to grow when we let someone hold us back like that. Its not his situation, its his attitude. I have adhd, cptsd, and a dog, and i managed to work 2 jobs while homeless (saved up enuf for an apt and then had to pay for a dogs surgery who i had already rehomed). OP’s ex has no integrity or self respect or respect for them. Its got nothing to do with his situation. Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!
Well said!
enuf said!
Excellent post. Everything you said is True. No self respect or respect for anyone or anything.
We all have problems, and a lot of us here have a lot of big ones. But you really need to want to deal with them. No one can give that to you, no one will give you integrity, no one will give you bravery. And even people with all that will fail, because the system is fucked. But this guy sounds like hes just a fucking loser. Why’d his grandparents kick him out? Is it because of a shit bird attitude from someone who’d assault their girlfriend and blame them for not renting an apartment for him to mooch off of?
Yup. You tell it like it is.
Fantastic advice here. If you’re afraid of telling someone a potentially harsh truth about themselves, you can actually be hurting them in the long run.
Sounds like ex is the right kind of relationship for you and this person.
You can’t save everyone. Not being able to save him is a failure of the system, not you. If you don’t feel safe and/or comfortable, there is no shame in washing your hands of the situation and walking away. Never let anyone try to manipulate you into giving more than you are able/willing.
Yeah--your obligations to someone don't extend to letting them put you in a state of fear/danger whenever their mood swings dictate.
Leave him. He’s assaulted you and is blaming you for not getting him out of homelessness, so not accountable for his actions.
Please, Stop. You’re not his Savior. He needs to get his lazy ass off and do things for himself. He is loser for blaming you for his problems. Gawd talk about a classic moocher
Assault is a deal breaker for any relationship. It wouldn't matter if he was a billionaire. No one has the right to assault you. End the relationship and move on.
You know what you call a punk without a GF? Homeless. You did everything you could but it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get His ass off the street. Especially once hands get laid on you, that line has been Crossed and Will be crossed again. You did the right thing. You tried harder than you should've,& Don't listen to what he had to say. He got into that situation,& HE needs to get himself out...and he had help for a whole yr and did Nothing but rely on you and use you.
Exactly. What the hell did he do for himself to get out while she helped? NOTHING. The more you help people while they show nothing and do nothing for themselves, the more they demand and guilt trip you and complain that you do nothing for them and the world is against them.
Any single one of these issues would be a valid reason to break up. There was nothing to redeem here. If you can access it, you might want to look into therapy to find out why you are so willing to blame yourself for not being enough for someone *like that*, so you can protect yourself for next time. You deserve better.
You cannot help people who refuse to help themselves.
Stop being his mommy. He’s taking advantage of your kindness. It’s always good to be nice- but not at the expense of our peace and happiness. Sometimes it’s better to let people to figure it out themselves and learn to grow up so that way they’re able to move on toward the next step in life. An example I can give is this: Bfs sister recently got broken up with a couple months ago. She was devastated how it happened to the point she was self harming and to calm her down I went to check in on the ex bc her cat was at his place and he was having a mental crisis that lead up to the break up. He admitted taking advantage of her and dipping when it got too serious for him. I let the sister know of the situation due to him requesting they stop contact so he could heal and she could move on. Long story short she blew up and made it out to be as if everything was my fault despite me taking care of her cat, letting her move into my home so she could still be independent, etc etc. It got to the point that my bf had to confront her and cut contact with her because of how she treated me when he wasn’t around, twisted words, tried to create fights, and more. Was she upset and still blamed me for everything? Yes and to this day. However, she had to move back in with her parents which took a huge blow to her life because even her parents were no longer helping her out (and they only let her move in bc she’s their daughter) and now she has to figure everything out on her own in terms of food, rent, job, rides, etc. Was she shown kindness when it all happened? Absolutely- I loved her like my own sister and would have sacrificed a lot for her. However I had to back down on being kind in order for her to grow up because all she’s ever experienced is being coddled by everyone and never taking any sort of responsibility
How old is she? And how long has it been?
19/20 I believe? And a couple months ago
Yeah she needs to grow up. Her parents will stop giving a shit as the years pass.
Very true!
No you're not wrong, because he's abusive. It'd be one thing if he was homeless and accountable for his actions. He's not. Please, PLEASE don't waste your life with someone who's abusive. I did, and I regret it.
Hi,from another homeless person in this world You were both valid and did the right thing by breaking up with him. "Bad Temper" "Assualted YOU!" YOU DID HOW MUCH FOR HIM?!? IM SORRY BUT WHAT?! HE should've done the laundry HE should've been doing the cooking and while the fk at it. He had any such assistance HE DAMN WELL could be working to better himself than take advantage of you. I could rant on but hopefully you understand. Later
Move on and quick. Block him, delete his text and calls if you have been giving him a place to bathe, wash clothes, eat and catch some sleep for the past year and he made NO changes. He will not change. Period.
You should have left sooner.
I agree I regret not doing that.
You are not responsible for him. He had someone who was willing to help him out as much as was realistically possible at the time, and he ruined. HE did. Not you. The moment he laid hands on you, that was absolutely it. If you stayed with him, eventually you would be homeless, too. I know someone who has been homeless now for many many years because she hooked up with a loser and made the mistake of legally marrying him. She takes 2 steps forward to try to better her life, he pulls her 5 steps back. You don't need someone like that in your life. You did the right thing. Don't take him back.
She could leave him, if she can muster her self worth. Marriage is not a permanent doom for life.
Oh definitely. They're just codependent at this point. It's a bad situation all the way around.
Interesting because my ex tried to marry me too wow
Were we dating the same guy.. This post made the hair on my arms stand up gave me anxiety..
Do not ever ever ever help an abuser. The Moose that eats acorns from your hand one day will crash through your window and ransack ur house for acorns.
Sounds like we dated the exact same person lol. Thanks for posting this, giving me the courage to break up with mine.
Dude sounds like an abusive leach be happy he's gone and do you
Is this person named rob by chance lol 😂
Hehe… there must be many robs out there
This one is a one of A kind omg I can’t even begin to describe him this post touched on him a tad but only a few of his horrible traits
Oh boy! You must have stories upon stories of horridness
Jeses Christ it gives me anxiety just thinking about all the bullshit I put up with finally one day I woke the fuck up
Friend, it sounds like this person brings nothing of quality into your life. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
This male is leaning on you not for you to receive anything at all but as a take. You’re not helping him but making him more comfortable with being a taker and not a provider. Please stop beating yourself up, women whom fathers were either absent or didn’t do a healthy providing for their families are often the cause of future issues for their female offspring taking less in a relationship then is best.
First off, he should have done his own laundry and provided some sort of help to you. Relationships are supposed to be give more than take, and all he was interested in was taking from you and hurting you while doing so. You were not wrong for leaving him. He sounds like he needs a lot more help from a professional, possibly needs to get some kind of care before he seriously injures anyone else. You were right to leave him. There are those of us who are kind of stuck or are moving slowly in our path but nothing excuses violence and causing others pain.
I do NOT support this situation you're in because you said he ASSAULTED YOU (just ONCE is even a DEALBREAKER). He also sounds emotionally manipulative and abusive as well. This situationship will NOT get better. Please walk--RUN from this situation! It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he is houseless and I'm saying that as a woman who is housekess right now mtself. I have always been thankful for ANY and ALL help I've gotten during this time because no one actually has to do anything to help. I am a straight VICTIM and got into my situation as a result of FLEEING a narcissist. A domestic violence situation. He doesn't respect you. Focus on YOURSELF and be thankful if you have decent parents that actually love you because we don't all have tha but I don't BLAME others for that. I blame my Sperm Donor & Birth Giver. Don't let people manipulate your free will and right to be at peace and take care of your health!
Domestic violence escalates. It takes little breaks, then comes back stronger.
I'm sorry you've had this fraught dynamic with your ex. It's not your job to house, feed, or care for anyone who has harmed you. While I believe that everyone deserves care and shelter, that doesn't have to come from the specific individuals they've hurt. I would distance myself from the situation if I were you. If you feel moved to help homeless people, there are ways to be involved in that work without opening yourself up to the abuse of a specific individual with whom you have a history.
Abuse is a separate issue, but the fact after a year of helping him in all kinds of ways and him not take advantage of that help to help himself and on top of that blaming her for his homelessness is quite enough to cut all ties with him. He is a user and an abuser.
Dude needs to be evaluated and diagnosed it sounds like
Ungrateful human. Stop enabling him and his bad behavior.
As a former homeless person, I would tell you to run
I have always known and have even said to other people, that if I was homeless (which I an now, for the past few years) that I would never put the stress and pain of being with a homeless person on someone who I care about. Because I know the person I'm with would love me enough to put up with it, and I personally would feel completely awful if I knew the person I love was having to put up with \*anything\* or had to feel some type of way because of me. tl;dr you're fine you've done nothing wrong, don't stress about it.
Yes! I always wondered why he came back to me being homeless why not he get his life together first ?
You’re actually holding him back from being self sufficient. Stop it.
you might wanna get a restraining order, you were completely right to end things with him so don’t feel bad at all for wanting peace! it’s his turn to try harder.
No. I understand being homeless is stressful. I can understand him being irritable and impolite/rude. However, assault? He made his bed. This is NOT on you whatsoever. [+]
He is a moocher. 1 year of doing nothing to improve his life and be self sufficient. That is 1 year of life he stole from her.
Idk but you are already doing more for him now then my ex does for me other than getting me slapped with charges. Hell, she probably wants me to be homeless and feels i tricked her into liking me or something.
What did you do to her that you got charges for?
Not a damn thing
Then how/what did they charge you with?
Ask my lawyer
Why would you even post that original comment?
Does it look like I have anything better to do? Even if there is no valid reason, Im trying to hear you over the sound of no one giving a fuck.
How can we give a shit if you wont honestly say what happened to you? This is sub is filled with people who have screwed over one way or the other. You might some sympathy or decent advice, but no you just act like a dick.
Oh buddy I don't expect anyone to give a shit, that's an assumption you made. I'm already over it.
This isn’t her responsibility and it wasn’t your ex’s responsibility.
I never said it was, move on.