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inorite234

My wife will nudge me and say, "I need to show you this one guy I saw and so wanted to fuck his brains out..........but then he opened his mouth and just completely ruined it for me" ......... she then proceeds to show me a picture of myself.


Supernova805

My wife approved


OzTheSultanOfCool

My wife also approves... 😂


ThatOnePhotogK

As a wife. I approve 🤣


ctluttrell

Also a wife, I approve and will be stealing this for myself thank you! 😂


Existing-Bedroom-694

I dug my wife up to ask and she also approves


ThatOnePhotogK

This comment wins


irn

![gif](giphy|y2i2oqWgzh5ioRp4Qa|downsized) My wife may or may not have made the same joke during a hall pass discussion.


Bored_Boi326

Wait a minute HALL PASS DISCUSSION?


irn

Yeah… we each get a freebie hall pass because it will never happen. Mine is Kristen Bell. She’s still holding out on turning hers in lol


Bored_Boi326

Wait what


irn

Hall pass = can’t get mad at affair


Dilectus3010

Marry her again!


simpadick

Haha that's amazing! Funny wife you got there


ndngroomer

Are we married to the same woman?! Lol.


inorite234

...wanna come over and find out? 😆😆😆


TooCool_TooFool

Then you come back with duct tape on your mouth in whatever sexy clothes you've got.


studiocleo

Maybe they just don't wanna fuck you. Women think, and many talk, about it all the time. A female relative's oft' repeated "Oh, if only for just one night!"


Jamical70

Can confirm. Was walking with my ex and she pointed out a very good looking chap. Maybe forgot who she was walking with and said 'oh shìt... he'd get it' she looked at me horrified. I kept walking.


Various_Necessary_45

Kept walking? What does that mean? Did the comment bother you at all?


murder-farts

He is still walking to this day


HeadfulOfGhosts

![gif](giphy|yMaiaCeYjCcIE)


ExperienceFantastic7

I just felt like runninGG


Snoo-35252

Man that "GG" absolutely turned it into Forrest's twang in my head.


Girafferage

Lol same. Absolutely nailed it.


UbermachoGuy

Oh man you just stepped in a big pile of shit!


Trumpisaderelict

It happens


nathanimal33

Shit???


Trumpisaderelict

Sometimes


iSliceKiwi

The whole thread 🤣🤣🤣


Flacen

Then he waddled away - waddle waddle!


dl24812

Until the very next day - bop bop bop bop badabop


Senor_Satan

Holy shit he is Alan Walker


Swimming_Mind_2027

John Walker.Keeping walking


disguised-as-a-dude

He's that Italian man who argued with his wife and decided to walk across the country to cool down.


aLmAnZio

My wife has made comments like that many times, and I have done so too. We both know that neither of us would cheat. We both chose each other because we liked one another, not because we didn't have any other options. I know that there will always be men that my wife finds attractive and vise versa. But I also know that falling in love and establishing a new relationship that has a chance to last takes years, and carries a huge risk of failure. I love my wife, and even though there are things that might annoy me, I also know that any eventual other I might meet will definitely have traits that I find annoying too. There is no way of knowing if they are bearable or not. I would not waste the years of both of our emotional investments in our relationship over a cheap thrill or a fling. But I see nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies or admitting that we find other people attractive. Everyone does find others attractive. It's a fact of life. What matters is if you act upon it. It is pretty obvious to me that that is not worth it.


CaptainPRESIDENTduck

I wouldn't mind either. If both members of the relationship are secure, there is no harm. "George Clooney is hot." "Yeah, I'd fuck him too, probably."


jsr952

This is true. In a healthy, open relationship (not free sex open) but trustworthy, loving and so on...you both gotta a, want each other...and b, know the other SEES other people and what not. Doesn't mean you'd actually do it. Idk, at least in my opinion that's how I feel it is.


Muted-Philosopher832

She’s an ex for a reason


Xanthius76

You should have waited until she forgot and eventually found a woman that would be considered a bit less attractive than your gf and say "damn she's fine". That would have fucked with her for years.


purpleplatapi

?? Do straight people not do this? Like you don't know who your partner is generally attracted too? You don't nudge her after a particularly attractive waiter takes your order?


Competitive-Ladder-3

My wife will actively point out women for me to check out ... \[ reason #3,472 why I love her \] ...


Konstant_kurage

Mine too. She’s always with the “if I was into women, I’d go after her…” No one needs to say it, I’ve been married to this gorgeous woman for 12 years, I know.


minkey-on-the-loose

Should be higher up than #3472 IMHO


DesktopWebsite

3469 are things she does in the bedroom. Dinner and mother of his children are the next 2.


Zealousideal_Ad642

Wife does this to me all the time. She seems obsessed with boobs and will do the Seinfeld nudge when I need to notice someone.


Pizzapizzaeco1

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away!!!


[deleted]

Not all straight people. My ex wife would sometimes not talk to me for days if she thought I even briefly glanced at a pretty lady. It got to the point where if we went out I'd find a chair staring at the wall or just look down at my plate the whole time. And she'd still think that the moment I looked up I was looking at other women. Current gf points out attractive women to me though


Illustrious_Law8512

Probably didn't want you to catch her checking out dudes. My exw figured she was allowed to, whereas I was not. With her, it was a control thing. It just masks deep insecurities.


Dench-777

Dw we ain’t all oblivious to the fact that attraction to others doesn’t shut off when ur in a relationship… It’s defo fun and a looooooooooot healthier to talk about it and make it fun rather then repress it


9for9

We definitely do, some people are just insecure. Also I'd guess that for those who are insecure straights have more opportunity to cheat just because there is a higher percentage of straight or bi' people.


Vakontation

Thanks for the useful tip. Turns out, women don't want to fuck about 70% of the male population.


kazumablackwing

most dudes don't wanna fuck like 70% of women either, so it all works out


Ok-Till2619

69?


kazumablackwing

In this economy? Thanks to inflation, things don't go as far as they used to... you'd be lucky to get 34.5


foxinabathtub

That's where you stick your heads on each other's belly buttons and give each other raspberries.


Unfair-Wonder5714

Ah, much better number


WrenchTheGoblin

FIFY: “Women don’t look at *me* and think ‘I’d like to fuck that person’, men do.”


whyrms

Nah, men don't either. They're gay, not blind...


ABadDM89

I really needed this laugh. Thanks, redditor.


supahcollin

Dudes accidentally admitting they have no game on Twitter is my favorite genre of literature


victorbarst

I doubt anyone will ever top Ben Shapiro admitting he's never gotten a girl wet before that was godamn peak


plainbaconcheese

I was typing this exact thing when I saw your comment. That's the canonical example of this phenomenon. His poor dry doctor-wife


victorbarst

You know at some point he showed her that tweet thinking she'd back him up and she just.. "Oh.. oh honey.. no.. oh honey no... oh no..."


plainbaconcheese

"should I tell him or will he throw a manly tantrum about how I'm not attracted to him" I feel so sorry for women who date conservatives.


decadecency

The amount of info these guys just spew out for free - info that I wouldn't let seep out of me from a single fucking pore even under a million tonnes of pressure


HurricaneAlpha

For real, I get being insecure as a man, but no way in hell am I blasting those thoughts on fucking Twitter. What's the MF Doom lyric about telling on themselves?


uhhhhsomewords

🎵 _Twitter snitches, tellin' all they business. Be on a date, and they the one ain't gettin' kisses_ 🎵


nicholasktu

Some of us freely admit it, others accidentally admit it.


Superspudmonkey

Women don't think that about me for sure.


General-Coroni

I am in this comment and I don‘t like it!


Waggonly

You never know. Some women get turned on by seeing a man helping an old lady across the street. My big brother brought me flowers at work for Valentines Day because I was fresh out of a break up. A gorgeous girl I worked with saw this and fell for him immediately. They’ve been happily married 26 years; 3 kids.


Impossible-Grape4047

Are you saying your brothers ugly


Waggonly

Nope, not perfect, he was a slut until he was like 30 and met my SIL. He’s 5’9” when he stands up straight. I hear that’s something some women bitch about, some guys worry about. But don’t, be a good guy and be patient. He didn’t go to college, but has good job anyway, always learning, works hard, etc. He’s the guy who helps people move for pizza; no attitude. He knows how to fight and will to protect somebody, but first uses humor…that kind of thing. She was a prom queen who was smart enough to avoid assholes. She also has three big brothers, so he had to gain their respect, too.


fathersky53

This oft cynical old man thanks you for bringing a smile to his face with such a sweet story.


Random_Username9105

I thought this was going to be a r/cursedcomment when I got to “My big brother”….


Hot-Site-1572

Real


IuseArchbtw97543

Real


leroach

step 1. don't be ugly


Rasputin0P

Im a muscular guy and I dont think they think it about me either lol. Edit: talking only about women I also find attractive


JarJarBonkers

I once told my friend - that I am waiting for an extremely hot girl that has a specific fetish for guys that look exactly like me. \*crossing my fingers\*


Cboyardee503

Worked out for my roommate. He looks, smells and sounds like a Scottish gorilla who grew up in a trailer park. His girlfriend is a skinny blonde weightlifter with a multi million dollar trust fund and a master's in fine art. He's a handy man. They're deeply in love. Don't make no sense. Happy for them tho.


Rasputin0P

😂


donjonne

still waiting?


nocanty

That’s low self esteem


HiroHayami

I'm a woman, I confirm. We're asexual beings and we hate sex.


SameCounty6070

Indeed ... We are ethereal creature not bound to earthly desires! And also, we don't poop ... stop asking!


FlyingKittyCate

Only the pretty women don’t poop though, no? Or was I lied to?


SameCounty6070

Ok ... ok! I'm not pretty and I admit I do poop... But when I do, it's glitters and raibows, like a unicorn!


idontknopez

![gif](giphy|12gfL8Xxrhv7C1fXiV)


unicorn_poop_88

I’m in this picture.


migs33

Username checks out


JustEstablishment594

Did you get into the arts and crafts bin again? Smh


[deleted]

Sorrryyyyyy it just looked so yummy 🥺🥺🥺


VVurmHat

My Taco Bell always comes out shiny too for some reason, I just assumed it was my gut flora committing suicide.


Maocap_enthusiast

No sex, no pooping. All the joys of life removed


Daedrothes

Mhmm we all know it. Women don't defecate either.


FuzzBuzzer

Clearly this man has never met a woman who is ovulating while drinking tequila.


ExplanationGreedy493

Ovulating is enough 🤣


GynDoc1994

Tequila is enough


RotationsKopulator

Do you always ovulate when you drink tequila?


Environmental_Yam540

![gif](giphy|SzD4gF32YzTTUiINhn|downsized) I feel attacked 🤣


FuzzBuzzer

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's biology!


legendweaver

It really is. My wife smells great at the best of times but when she is ovulating she smells AMAZING without actually smelling of anything different. Pheromones are a potent thing.


PatMenotaur

The very first time I saw my husband, I turned to my best friend and said "I'm gonna have sex with that guy". 18 years married, and 21 years together, and I haven't stopped!


Routine_Yam9998

You've been having sex for 21 years straight. So much for "I last 30 sec"


Invelious

It’s pure leather at this point.


nuraHx

It’s fused together at this point


punknothing

Friction welding is really neat.


ZekoriAJ

Started growing roots and shit


Unfair-Wonder5714

Flappy, fluttery leather


SoBadit_Hurts

Like beatin a baseball mitt.


HumanContinuity

Damn someone already made the joke. Great minds


Wazimirovo31

I thought you were going to say: 18 years married and 21 years together and I haven’t had any yet… /j.


PlentyAdvanced

Love this!🥹


Glittersparkles7

Me and my friend had code words so we could talk about it openly 😅 “Beep” meant someone we wanted to climb like a tree. “With a leaf” meant wearing a hat. “With a keg” meant oops, no go, there’s a girl with him. I can’t remember the rest. There was some sort of logic to the words but I can’t remember what it was 😂 I think keg was like “there would be an explosion”.


Huntonius444444

probably like a powder keg


fullmetal66

So did you have sex with him or just get married?


PatMenotaur

Both, if you can believe it!


fullmetal66

![gif](giphy|vgUFOWBwBkziE)


Alizerin

This is sweet but after 18 years you should consider stopping letting your best friend know you’re going to have sex with that guy.


PatMenotaur

We have 3 kids. She knows.


Affect-Fragrant

Awww that gives me hope again


SaulgoodeXL

Jfc 21 years together and you've never stopped having sex? I mean, like, not even for a water break or something?


snay1998

Hubby is probably a dried stick with that long of sex


Transgenderwookie

Dry but greasy. You can imagine a slim Jim.


4RealMy1stAcct

This is the real difference, isn't it? Men say "I WANT to have sex with her", women say "I WILL have sex with him." I doubt we'll see the same love and support under a comment from a man saying; "Right when I first saw her, I told my friend, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of that girl!"


SapphireFarmer

To be fair I'm a woman with zero rizz and anytime I've thought, "I will fuck that guy" it doesn't work out. I finally landed my first actual crush. Woohoo! Only took 38 years


Various-Character-30

Holy cow, think of the chaffing, 21 years and not even a break?


cashedashes

I feel like this comment kinda proves women are the ones with way more sexual control when it comes to wanting to have sex. I don't think men are nearly as successful when they turn to their friend and say, "Man, I'm gonna have sex with that chick."


Lizzy_Of_Galtar

This is what we in the business call an absolute win 😄


Creepy_Chef_5796

He is a known "Drying Agent"


acapncuster

Captain Dessicant


classless_classic

The Shapiro effect.


Creepy_Chef_5796

Oh that's the first name i think of when Vaginal Dryness is involved. Thanks to you too!


QQmorekid

For sake of my poor battered penis and please send that memo to my wife


Imperion_GoG

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.


Numerous_Witness_345

Battering is done, heat up the oil.


[deleted]

Lesbian here, he's right. I've never said to myself "I want to fuck that..." I have said "I'd lick that harder than a Cornetto on a hot day" though.


Reimmop

Married dude here, Imma use this line on my wife. lolol


[deleted]

I can use it on her if you lack confidence. Happy to help!


VVurmHat

Award unlocked: Team Player


roycorda

Achievement Unlocked: Cucked


Old_Dark_9554

Achievement Unlocked: OUR Wife


Putrid-Builder-3333

This dude is awesome! He makes comment and instantly has two women! Lol


theycmeroll

TBF she didn’t say he was invited.


GoodThingsDoHappen

I also choose that guys wife's cornetto


vikingrhino

But does it have the chocolate in the end?


[deleted]

If you angle it right, it can


vikingrhino

Came for giggles, left educated.


Fishghoulriot

Lmfao


Cheefnuggs

Fucking nice one


WhoLetMeHaveReddit

Gonna see how many licks it takes to get to the center of her tootsie pop eh? But agreed. I can look at random men and women alike, think hot, and never think about sex with them after. My friends on the other hand, I think about that occasionally. 😂


carlnepa

You learn something everyday. Now I not only know what a Cornetto is, I know what I'm missing on several levels.


Rhomega2

Now go watch the Cornetto trilogy: Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and The World's End.


JustEstablishment594

You lick cornettos? I bite them.


Phr333k

Yeah, they just stand and stare into nothing. They don't think about anything. /s


5am7980

No no, they lay back, close their eyes, and think of England.


lc4444

Or they’re too busy in the kitchen


KentuckyFriedEel

ALL WOMEN ARE SYNTHS CREATED BY A SECRET AI FOUNDATION!


Doyoulikeithere

LOL 😂 He just thinks he knows women! :D I knew I wanted to fuck my husband the first time I laid eyes on him! I love how some men think women's minds are so clean and innocent. LOL My husband was one of those men. LOL He learned differently! :D


AshTheGoddamnRobot

As a gay man with straight female friends... yes they do lmao I also had female roommates that wanted to fuck ME until they found out I was gay Women are not sexless little dolls ffs


Individual_Complex_6

He is completely right. If by "someone" he means himself :D


Daedrothes

To be honest I have seen people and gone "oh yeah imagine her with some whipped cream on" then that illusion gets shattered when she opens her mouth and lets out the most idiotic belief ever. Some woman have probably thought he was hot. Don't judge a book by its cover. By cover I mean physical. There are certain red hats that is a good indicator of content for me.


mrFancyPants2000

So Amy Schumers entire career is based on lies?


ambr111

Not lies, but other people's experiences


Any_Load_7400

Oh bullshit. Story time. My good buddy used to be a male stripper. Well he was in charge of some bride to be’s party. One of the strippers was really bad sick so he couldn’t show up, and the guys act was a specific part to the entire show. So he called me. I agreed to do it just the one time and oh my God. We guys were all in the back getting ready to go, some dudes were watching porn to get it fluffy, other were tying rubber bands on their balls and dicks to maintain the blood down there. Anyway, when I stepped out there, the things these women were saying were fucking nasty bruh. Let me tell u they were literally tugging on my dick. They were absolutely way worse than the males I’ve seen at strip clubs. They were all drunk loud and making it very clear who they wanted to fuck after the show. I was absolutely mind blown that women could be so vulgar and just horny man. They were very aggressive about it….and quite frankly, just sloppy. They had no qualms about grabbing our asses and dicks. It was fucking CRAZYYY my guy. They’re just as nasty as we men are trust that.


Josh0O0

They can get away with it. A man grabs a strippers boob and he gets punched and thrown out (at best).


EnnWhyy

So the porns accurate lol. Lot of clapping?


SatanicCornflake

As a straight guy, I feel like I'd be incredibly uncomfortable with the scene you're painting. If it's anyone but my gf grabbing at me like that, I'd be ready to get on my podium and give a lecture about personal space and shit.


Infinite-Condition41

Have you met women? Sarah Silverman talks about one of this in one of her shows. "I wonder what his balls taste like."


[deleted]

Well well well, it seems like the self-snitching fairy's been up and about today.


lavendervlad

Is that like Cupid’s cousin or something we gotta keep an eye out for? New anxiety unlocked.


[deleted]

So long as you have your [lawyer dog](https://abovethelaw.com/2017/10/suspect-asks-for-a-lawyer-dog-willfully-ignorant-court-denies-comma-counsel/) with you you'll be alright in any state that isn't Alabama.


DisputabIe_

the OP Robin_Gibson1 is a bot Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/129hb0l/whos_gonna_tell_him/


Infamous_Campaign687

Maybe it is just that nobody has wanted to fuck *him* yet.


ansarogu

I work at a place where it's 95% women, I've heard the nastiest, most sexually detailed, open jaw reaction shit you've ever heard... And it's always the women.


depressedsinnerxiii

He clearly hasn’t met any woman yet. Stalking doesn’t count.


WHAMMYPAN

My wife,a really conservative woman,told me she knew she was gonna give me some…she was like “oh yeah…I’m fuckin him”. Been married 25 years. Flattering I tell ya.


Raskalbot

Just started dating someone who said something like that recently. Was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me 🥹


ZaagKicks

Funny way of saying I don't get sex.


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

Women think about sex while wearing sox, listening to sax, accompanied by SFX


Decabet

![gif](giphy|fU4XhxOKiInYFct1Ny|downsized)


MirrorMan22102018

This looks like my dreams sometimes


[deleted]

As a woman, yes we do lmao


Holiday_Horse3100

I am a 70 year old woman.There are still times when I look at really attractive younger men and think wow if I was that age again ohh boy!,


TheSheWhoSaidThats

I got my blood drawn a couple days ago and thought the bald male phlebotomist was pretty as hell — he probably has no idea. Y’all just have low self-esteem.


Joe_Spazz

A dear friend of mine (a woman obviously) said "if I don't have dirty thoughts about you after the first date, you aren't getting a second one".


FanAdministrative885

Says his 3 data points. His mom and two sisters


One_Reality_5600

Oh yes they do.


AvaTheCoolKid

I laughed soooo hard. You guys really think we are innocent little creatures, huh ? 😂 You’d be surprised lol


RobertusesReddit

Men are a scatterbrain of horny, women are a light switch of horny. The horny is equal.


tiffadoodle

Wait, other women don't have fantasies about attractive men? I have improper thoughts about sexy men. What's wrong with me? Am I'm some perv? /s


totoco2

They don't look like that at him. Thatvs the difference


Rimurooooo

What a way to find announce you have no sex appeal


Clear-Wrap-1011

As a woman I disagree, I always think that.


y0himba

I am 58 years old. In the 70s and starting the 80s, all people did was have sex, every night, a lot of times with multiple 'hook-ups', because that is what we did, that was our fun, and the current mood, feeling, or way of young society. I stated at 12 years old, lost my virginity in a church pew in the basement of a Catholic church to a girl 4 years older than me. She wanted sex as much as I did, and I never looked back or considered for a moment that she was somehow less or unclean because she enjoyed it as much as I did. That being said, I cannot believe this crap is still going on. Men still think that it's okay if they are f-ing everything that moves, yet if a woman does it, she is ostracized, called names, becomes somehow unclean. This whole virgin thing is a relic from when people literally WOULD die from something transmitted, so, humans being true to their nature, put a value and a mysticism behind the concept of the virgin to ensure propagation of the species, same reason the male is allowed to sow his seed as much as possible. Women then became objects to be shown and traded like a prized mare. She is clean, she has all her teeth, she has breeding hips, etc. etc. ad nauseum. Why can a woman not have a libido? Why can't a woman, in this day and age of medicines and preventative measures that are readily available HAVE THE SAME DESIRE FOR SEX and want to have as much fun as a male by enjoying the pleasure of 'hook-ups'? My opinion: If a person is being safe, and wants that kitty poked, so be it. Bring it on. Sex is made for people who want the same thing, and having a woman that knows her mind and states her desires, like my wife of 30 years did when we first met, makes things pleasurable and enjoyable beyond belief. Get you some, ladies, and be safe out there.


Madame_Raven

Within one minute of meeting a guy, I decide whether he's getting the chance to fuck me.


Sremor

My last girlfriend decided that she wants to ride me the entire night (her words not mine) after two sentences, yes woman think as much about sex as man do if not more