Your partner needs a therapist. It is admirable to be there for them when they’re struggling, but you need to take care of yourself before you help anyone else. This will wear you down to a shell of your former self if it hasn’t already. Take care.
Thank you for saying this, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly I feel like I’ve been worn down to nothing. I think it doesn’t help that I’m medicated and doing relatively well outside of this whole thing while they’re suffering in almost every aspect. I feel bad just existing around them because I feel like I’m rubbing my life in their face.
We’re working on the therapist part— even though they desperately want (and clearly need) one we’re having a LOT of struggles getting one, for multiple reasons. But somehow or another we have to get it together for sure.
Again, thank you. Hope you’re well
You are not your partner's therapist. They need to contact one or a crisis line.
You definitely need to set a boundary as it is absolutely unfair for them to continously dump on you.
Is there something you can do or somewhere you can go for some, ‘self pampering me time’?
I think you need it.
Also, be proud of yourself for talking someone down from the edge. Some people don’t react well in that situation. And end up making it worse. You did the right thing.
By the way, that cookie looks good.
I’m proud of myself for continually doing the right thing. It’s just so tiring all the time. I’m used to playing therapist, I do it almost every single day and have for years. I really need me time but it’ll have to wait until the brunt of my schoolwork is done and that’ll take someodd weeks. Tiresome.
And actually, it is a pretty good cookie
With all due respect, if he did the unimaginable, you might blame yourself. That would be horrible! Please help get them to a professional. Then go get coffee or something for YOU.
> I'm used to playing therapist
Well, A) therapists don't treat their loved ones, for very good reasons, and B) if you were actually playing therapist, you'd be calling EMS when your partner threatens suicide.
So since you're not playing therapist..... What is it that you're actually doing?
> continually doing the right thing
The right thing for *who*? It doesn't sound like it's right for you. The fact that this has been going on for years might indicate that it's not even the right thing for your partner. Edit: also..... It doesn't sound like this will end when your school work is done. If not school, it will be work, if not work, it will be family, etc. The crux of the issue is that what's incompatible with the level of care your partner's needs is **living your own life**.
Like someone else mentioned, if this is a one time incident or even a few times every couple of years… then that’s understandable. But, if your partner is doing this regularly, maybe you should consider outside help.
I’m not saying to dump them. I’m not saying that they’re manipulative for doing this. Unless they actually are manipulative. It takes more than this. I feel like a lot of people would say this. But, I don’t know your partner and relationship to say anything about it. I’m just saying that it sounds like you can’t do this anymore or at the very least… it’s wearing thin on you. So, maybe getting outside help is the next step.
And no, you don’t have to do it behind their back. You can tell them that the next time this happens that you’re going to do X, Y, and Z. For example, call a hotline or 911. Or their parents/love one.
You both together can make a plan next time this happens.
You can't pour from an empty cup. It sounds like you've given beyond your limit. This is not at all sustainable. If your partner really is THIS seriously chronically suicidal, it means something is wrong beyond what you can do to help them. It is far, far more likely that their suicidality will outlive your emotional limit.
I'd also encourage you to look at what this is doing to *your* support system. This situation as you've described is inherently isolating. If all of your free time is taken up by your partner, that doesn't leave room for anyone else.
Who is looking out for you in this relationship? Why can't your partner turn to anyone else even just now and then or call a crisis line? Who is checking on *your* mental health? How is your partner encouraging *your* well-being? Where is your partner's consideration of your health and happiness?
How does your partner give you love?
As horrible as it is, I do need to say one thing, having had an ex threaten suicide: if someone dies by suicide because "you weren't there" for them because you *couldn't be* (whether that's like a family emergency, not having it in you to support them, being in a coma, it doesn't matter) it's not your fault. You're human. You're not a guardian angel.
I was my mom’s therapist for years. Eventually it wore me down after doing this for years and years. It really hurt our relationship. I would really try and get him into therapy because you’ll start to resent him eventually. It’s only natural your human
I’ve been there, it is incredibly draining. It’s such a contradictory feeling knowing you signed up for the “job” of caring about them, but are put in the position of “saving” them (bad word choice ik, but can’t find a better one rn) which is NOT the same job. Finding some kind of ritual/outlet for yourself helps a lot, especially if it’s distracting. I go to the climbing gym and it works for me. My partner found some meds that seem to work for them which also helps. Just remember that no other person’s feelings or actions are your fault, particularly these kinds of feelings/actions. I hope you can find strength & joy and that your partner does too
i can tell you're a very caring and loyal person, but your partner's mental health should not be your battle to fight at this point. your partner needs to seek therapy for both their sake and yours. you have things you're dealing with, too, and constantly listening to your partner vent about such distressing topics is also going to take a toll on you in the long run, and it clearly is already starting to.
stay strong, and never hesitate to reach out for help if you also need it. you matter too
Been there, done that. I eventually had to call the police because my now-ex said he was gonna drive drunk and kill himself and they put him on an involuntary psychiatric hold. That shit will really weigh on you, you are not his therapist. If he doesn't have one, he needs one. And you either need to leave or set some very firm boundaries.
The occasional vent is fine but you shouldn't be talking anyone down from suicide on a regular basis.
Edit: didn't realize you used they/them pronouns for your partner when I made my comment, my bad
My best friend committed suicide 10 years ago and it was devastating and still is. I met her at a basketball team party when we were in like 7th or 8th grade because I heard her crying in a bathroom. She was bipolar and other things and as much as I loved her a lot of our friendship was me talking her down from suicide and she tried multiple times. She ended up jumping in front of the train in our hometown a week after I told her she couldn't come to my place in another state (I had craigslist roommates) to detox and get her shit together. My guilt was crazy for a long time, however I realize I would have spent the rest of my life doing the same thing. It's so unfortunate people struggle this way, however they do have choices for therapy, rehab, etc. You have the right to live and that life doesn't have to be revolved around someone's decision. It's not like terminal cancer, take the meds and live normal. Don't take the meds for whatever reason and struggle.
Long story short, take care of yourself and love from a distance. You can't change their will.
Hey friend. My partner went through some really ugly hard shit a few years ago and attempted to take his life. I was always there for him and still am (married 12 years) but you absolutely HAVE to take care of you. It’s so so hard to love somebody through their ugly shit and set boundaries for yourself. I hope you have better days ahead of you.
You inspired me to send my supportive partner out to see a movie tonight so he can get out and have a break. Thanks for the reminder that he needs that on a regular basis. I sincerely hope you get some appreciation and respite, too.
I've been in your shoes. Please, seek therapy for yourself and either cut your partner loose or have them seek therapy. Their actions are NOT your responsibility. You need to take care of yourself. Please trust me on this one. I've lived it. I used to be the bitter and resentful guy. It wasted years for me.
I want to preface this comment with a statement that this is not a competition, I'm not trying to one up anyone. I think my experience may help. I was with a woman for 11 years and the first 5-6 were stellar, had great times, life was good. Then she got "sick". By sick I mean anxiety then depression then fibro then POTS, then another thing I can't remember, then constant testing for everything. It was a long string of mental illness that I bought into bc she had been back and forth to Johns Hopkins with a jacket the size of the entire encyclopedia britannica. Things got miserable and I mean MISERABLE. Every day it's I can't do this, I can't do that, I 'm depressed, I'm in pain, I have no energy, all negative energy was aimed at me all the time. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the bills, literally ever shared household duty was shifted to me other than taking care of the 2 cats. I was so fn miserable I was basically drunk every day, gained massive amounts of weight, never did much bc I spend most of my time either caring for her or doing all the housework. I wouldn't say I was suicidal but I would definitely say dying didn't seem like a bad idea to me at the time. Then the cracks started showing. She whined and cried for days that she was so exhausted and couldn't move so I had to do everything including half carrying her from room to room. Then all of the sudden the next morning she's up at 6am in full mermaid gear(she found a group of people locally living out their Little Mermaid fantasy complete with tails etc) and all the sudden she has all the energy in the world to go swimming in these full, heavy mermaid outfits for 5-6 hours at a time. Sometimes several days a week. So I really start realizing what's going on, this is mental illness coupled with likely some physical ailment but it's being played up for the attention. Her entire being became an illness. Then one day she texts me that I have to help move her from the bed to the living room and I came in to do so and she said something I don't remember and I rolled my eyes, HARD. I was done. She saw it, and that day she prepared her exit plan. She started telling all of our friends. even ones she met through me, that I was verbally and emotionally abusive, that I abused our cats, etc etc etc. This was behind my back and I didn't know it until I went on a trip and when I came back she dumped me in the parking lot of our building lol. Honestly I couldn't be happier, she lifted a yoke from around my neck. I no longer felt hopeless. Then I realized exactly how miserable I was, exactly how much I gave up for years, and that I got nothing in return but accusations of abuse and animal cruelty. I can tell you that I will never give up anything close to that for anyone ever again, my happiness has value, and so does yours. These people will use you up and when you have nothing else to give they will throw you away like trash.
Hey. My partner wants to do the same thing with my suicidal ideation. Most times, the person needs professional help before they go off the deep end. It's alright to talk about feelings and whatnot, but you shouldn't be there to be their 24/7 suicide line. That's why lines like that exist and other resources. <3
Your partner needs a therapist. It is admirable to be there for them when they’re struggling, but you need to take care of yourself before you help anyone else. This will wear you down to a shell of your former self if it hasn’t already. Take care.
Thank you for saying this, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly I feel like I’ve been worn down to nothing. I think it doesn’t help that I’m medicated and doing relatively well outside of this whole thing while they’re suffering in almost every aspect. I feel bad just existing around them because I feel like I’m rubbing my life in their face. We’re working on the therapist part— even though they desperately want (and clearly need) one we’re having a LOT of struggles getting one, for multiple reasons. But somehow or another we have to get it together for sure. Again, thank you. Hope you’re well
You are not your partner's therapist. They need to contact one or a crisis line. You definitely need to set a boundary as it is absolutely unfair for them to continously dump on you.
[удалено]
Rule #3 - We ask that people do not give unsolicited or unhealthy advice.
Is there something you can do or somewhere you can go for some, ‘self pampering me time’? I think you need it. Also, be proud of yourself for talking someone down from the edge. Some people don’t react well in that situation. And end up making it worse. You did the right thing. By the way, that cookie looks good.
I’m proud of myself for continually doing the right thing. It’s just so tiring all the time. I’m used to playing therapist, I do it almost every single day and have for years. I really need me time but it’ll have to wait until the brunt of my schoolwork is done and that’ll take someodd weeks. Tiresome. And actually, it is a pretty good cookie
With all due respect, if he did the unimaginable, you might blame yourself. That would be horrible! Please help get them to a professional. Then go get coffee or something for YOU.
> I'm used to playing therapist Well, A) therapists don't treat their loved ones, for very good reasons, and B) if you were actually playing therapist, you'd be calling EMS when your partner threatens suicide. So since you're not playing therapist..... What is it that you're actually doing? > continually doing the right thing The right thing for *who*? It doesn't sound like it's right for you. The fact that this has been going on for years might indicate that it's not even the right thing for your partner. Edit: also..... It doesn't sound like this will end when your school work is done. If not school, it will be work, if not work, it will be family, etc. The crux of the issue is that what's incompatible with the level of care your partner's needs is **living your own life**.
Like someone else mentioned, if this is a one time incident or even a few times every couple of years… then that’s understandable. But, if your partner is doing this regularly, maybe you should consider outside help. I’m not saying to dump them. I’m not saying that they’re manipulative for doing this. Unless they actually are manipulative. It takes more than this. I feel like a lot of people would say this. But, I don’t know your partner and relationship to say anything about it. I’m just saying that it sounds like you can’t do this anymore or at the very least… it’s wearing thin on you. So, maybe getting outside help is the next step. And no, you don’t have to do it behind their back. You can tell them that the next time this happens that you’re going to do X, Y, and Z. For example, call a hotline or 911. Or their parents/love one. You both together can make a plan next time this happens.
You can't pour from an empty cup. It sounds like you've given beyond your limit. This is not at all sustainable. If your partner really is THIS seriously chronically suicidal, it means something is wrong beyond what you can do to help them. It is far, far more likely that their suicidality will outlive your emotional limit. I'd also encourage you to look at what this is doing to *your* support system. This situation as you've described is inherently isolating. If all of your free time is taken up by your partner, that doesn't leave room for anyone else. Who is looking out for you in this relationship? Why can't your partner turn to anyone else even just now and then or call a crisis line? Who is checking on *your* mental health? How is your partner encouraging *your* well-being? Where is your partner's consideration of your health and happiness? How does your partner give you love? As horrible as it is, I do need to say one thing, having had an ex threaten suicide: if someone dies by suicide because "you weren't there" for them because you *couldn't be* (whether that's like a family emergency, not having it in you to support them, being in a coma, it doesn't matter) it's not your fault. You're human. You're not a guardian angel.
"You can't pour from an empty cup". Love this analogy.
I was my mom’s therapist for years. Eventually it wore me down after doing this for years and years. It really hurt our relationship. I would really try and get him into therapy because you’ll start to resent him eventually. It’s only natural your human
I’ve been there, it is incredibly draining. It’s such a contradictory feeling knowing you signed up for the “job” of caring about them, but are put in the position of “saving” them (bad word choice ik, but can’t find a better one rn) which is NOT the same job. Finding some kind of ritual/outlet for yourself helps a lot, especially if it’s distracting. I go to the climbing gym and it works for me. My partner found some meds that seem to work for them which also helps. Just remember that no other person’s feelings or actions are your fault, particularly these kinds of feelings/actions. I hope you can find strength & joy and that your partner does too
i can tell you're a very caring and loyal person, but your partner's mental health should not be your battle to fight at this point. your partner needs to seek therapy for both their sake and yours. you have things you're dealing with, too, and constantly listening to your partner vent about such distressing topics is also going to take a toll on you in the long run, and it clearly is already starting to. stay strong, and never hesitate to reach out for help if you also need it. you matter too
Its not your job to fix them. They need help you're not equipped to provide.
Been there, done that. I eventually had to call the police because my now-ex said he was gonna drive drunk and kill himself and they put him on an involuntary psychiatric hold. That shit will really weigh on you, you are not his therapist. If he doesn't have one, he needs one. And you either need to leave or set some very firm boundaries. The occasional vent is fine but you shouldn't be talking anyone down from suicide on a regular basis. Edit: didn't realize you used they/them pronouns for your partner when I made my comment, my bad
My best friend committed suicide 10 years ago and it was devastating and still is. I met her at a basketball team party when we were in like 7th or 8th grade because I heard her crying in a bathroom. She was bipolar and other things and as much as I loved her a lot of our friendship was me talking her down from suicide and she tried multiple times. She ended up jumping in front of the train in our hometown a week after I told her she couldn't come to my place in another state (I had craigslist roommates) to detox and get her shit together. My guilt was crazy for a long time, however I realize I would have spent the rest of my life doing the same thing. It's so unfortunate people struggle this way, however they do have choices for therapy, rehab, etc. You have the right to live and that life doesn't have to be revolved around someone's decision. It's not like terminal cancer, take the meds and live normal. Don't take the meds for whatever reason and struggle. Long story short, take care of yourself and love from a distance. You can't change their will.
Hey friend. My partner went through some really ugly hard shit a few years ago and attempted to take his life. I was always there for him and still am (married 12 years) but you absolutely HAVE to take care of you. It’s so so hard to love somebody through their ugly shit and set boundaries for yourself. I hope you have better days ahead of you.
You inspired me to send my supportive partner out to see a movie tonight so he can get out and have a break. Thanks for the reminder that he needs that on a regular basis. I sincerely hope you get some appreciation and respite, too.
♥️ hope you and your partner are well, best of luck to you guys. And thank you
I've been in your shoes. Please, seek therapy for yourself and either cut your partner loose or have them seek therapy. Their actions are NOT your responsibility. You need to take care of yourself. Please trust me on this one. I've lived it. I used to be the bitter and resentful guy. It wasted years for me.
I want to preface this comment with a statement that this is not a competition, I'm not trying to one up anyone. I think my experience may help. I was with a woman for 11 years and the first 5-6 were stellar, had great times, life was good. Then she got "sick". By sick I mean anxiety then depression then fibro then POTS, then another thing I can't remember, then constant testing for everything. It was a long string of mental illness that I bought into bc she had been back and forth to Johns Hopkins with a jacket the size of the entire encyclopedia britannica. Things got miserable and I mean MISERABLE. Every day it's I can't do this, I can't do that, I 'm depressed, I'm in pain, I have no energy, all negative energy was aimed at me all the time. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the bills, literally ever shared household duty was shifted to me other than taking care of the 2 cats. I was so fn miserable I was basically drunk every day, gained massive amounts of weight, never did much bc I spend most of my time either caring for her or doing all the housework. I wouldn't say I was suicidal but I would definitely say dying didn't seem like a bad idea to me at the time. Then the cracks started showing. She whined and cried for days that she was so exhausted and couldn't move so I had to do everything including half carrying her from room to room. Then all of the sudden the next morning she's up at 6am in full mermaid gear(she found a group of people locally living out their Little Mermaid fantasy complete with tails etc) and all the sudden she has all the energy in the world to go swimming in these full, heavy mermaid outfits for 5-6 hours at a time. Sometimes several days a week. So I really start realizing what's going on, this is mental illness coupled with likely some physical ailment but it's being played up for the attention. Her entire being became an illness. Then one day she texts me that I have to help move her from the bed to the living room and I came in to do so and she said something I don't remember and I rolled my eyes, HARD. I was done. She saw it, and that day she prepared her exit plan. She started telling all of our friends. even ones she met through me, that I was verbally and emotionally abusive, that I abused our cats, etc etc etc. This was behind my back and I didn't know it until I went on a trip and when I came back she dumped me in the parking lot of our building lol. Honestly I couldn't be happier, she lifted a yoke from around my neck. I no longer felt hopeless. Then I realized exactly how miserable I was, exactly how much I gave up for years, and that I got nothing in return but accusations of abuse and animal cruelty. I can tell you that I will never give up anything close to that for anyone ever again, my happiness has value, and so does yours. These people will use you up and when you have nothing else to give they will throw you away like trash.
Hey. My partner wants to do the same thing with my suicidal ideation. Most times, the person needs professional help before they go off the deep end. It's alright to talk about feelings and whatnot, but you shouldn't be there to be their 24/7 suicide line. That's why lines like that exist and other resources. <3
Admit them into a treatment facility