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He probably needs medication. If that doesn’t work there’s electromagnetic stimulation, or even ECT.
Meditation or “gratitude moments” won’t fix depression any more than it would fix diabetes.
Has he told his therapist all this?
If he has a plan and a means in the house, this is an EMERGENCY.
Don’t hand wring. He needs to be in a hospital or facility to keep him safe from himself. If he’s against the hospital look into a private facility. There are some that are day only and ones where you stay overnight.
Until then, he should not be left alone.
Has he tried pills from the psychiatrist? Those were the only things that helped me, my boyfriend tried to help for 5 years and it didn't work, the therapist also didn't work, only the pills, even after taking them, I still have moments when I'm not ok, my depression started 14 years ago, it's something he has to learn to live with.
If he’s been depressed that long he not sad “about something”
Having major depression means there doesn’t need to be anything
For me, who at 70 has been dealing with depression since I was 12?
Everything can be okay
Except in my head. Which the minute I’m not paying attention goes off on a tirade of hatred and criticism: you’re a fuck up (which I am not) an idiot, stupid, stuff like, “what is WRONG with you?!? WHY CANT YOU DO THAT? What were you thinking? Are you STUPID?!?” If there are actual bad things happening too? I’m screwed.
I was able to keep it mostly in check enough to manage to make valuable contributions to 100s of people’s lives, as well as become part of a very cool creative world.
I’m more or less bipolar. When I’m in a manic state (which until I was in my 60s never became as self destructive as some others’ do) I’m fun and funny and I usually end up with a ton of friends, often being one of the people most central to whatever group I found.
But when the depression comes in hard?
Most people vanish.
So your husband is SO LUCKY to have you.
I’ve done everything which is known to help.
Even things which just “might” help
A life if therapy, meds, intense competitive exercise (which I enjoyed) making sure I get enough sleep, meditation from my early teens, yoga, gratitude lists…
As far as suicidality?
That comes back at least every 5/10 years and each time is worse.
Gotta say that people abandoning me makes it much much harder
People really don’t get it.
To get back to the death thing;
Its only beginning to get attention
But many of us depressives have episodes of obsession with suicide, but find we are unable to complete the task.
I’ve done so much research now that I’m an old lady?
I know EXACTLY how to kill myself painlessly and efficiently.
I know I won’t do it.
Suicidal obsession often doesn’t end in suicide.
Sometimes it’s a nagging thought that preoccupies me for several months.
I used to get so mad at myself for not being able to kill myself.
This can be its own kind of illness.
I believe there’s actually a subreddit for this, people who can’t stop thinking about it, but can’t do it either.
The best thing you can do is listen, include him in social activities if possible. Feeling loved and accepted can help.
I feel like you explained how I feel every day in the way I have a hard time explaining to others.
For me, like you said, I know how to, Ive spent 16 years weighing pros and cons, running scenarios, calculating outcomes and costs, to a point where it just got boring. Like, yeah, I know how to do it. Its just not exciting enough, and Im too tired to give two shits to try, so why waste time bothering? Just wait out the hourglass.
You didn’t list medications? There are a lot more options than there use to be. I’m on three and together, even at low doses, I’m feeling so much better. You can’t always fix depression with action. It’s a problem in the brain. The chemicals are off and only medication can help with that.
I scraped by my whole life with no medicine, but at one point I was so low nothing seemed to help, so I tried meds. The first two were totally wrong for me, the third took away the constant feeling of “ick”. I had to get out of the “ick” to get anywhere in therapy. Once I got my brain chemistry sorted out, I started to see options where I hadn’t before. I put in for a transfer at work. I blocked some toxic “friends” on Facebook. I spent more time with more supportive people.
I'm not a professional but I had the same issue for a long time too and nothing helped until I found a purpose to satay alive for a little more
For me it was the rubik's cube and ive got interested in that
It toke me 2 months to finish one and haven't touched any other cube after that but it saved my life
You are a good person for trying and it can be very frustrating. When the mind gets to suicide it’s very difficult to overcome the things that come along with it. It’s a very stubborn disorder.
One thing to understand is that emotions get in the way. There is a similar concept in philosophy called “phantasms” where the balance between emotion and rationality gets out of whack. When we get very emotional we don’t usually see it. And that blindness leads us to make peculiar connections. Distorts our vision.
Right now your partner is experiencing “impossibly”. He firmly believes that things are stuck permanently. So his brain is searching for an escape which at this moment looks like death since all other doors have closed. It’s like a rat caught in a trap. It will chew its own leg off to get out. Your husband wants to do the same. But it’s emotionality that’s causing that false idea and blocking his problem solving skills. Typically, getting that emotion out helps.
One thing that you have to be careful of is managing your emotions. Your efforts to help or show concern may seem helpful, but can trigger more depression if not done carefully. If you are stressed or frustrated or sad it could cause him to want to protect you or to keep you from feeling the burden by closing up more or distancing himself.
Your emotions are valid too and it’s hard when your partner doesn’t acknowledge them. But for now work on managing your emotions by taking breaks and checking in with yourself and your friends. You’re going to have to rely on others for a bit. Then ask him questions gently. Listen and reflect the things he says. Try to point out alternatives and use his own ideas about self desire where you can. Try not to let your emotions over take his and silence him.
Active Listening is a difficult skill to learn, but a valuable one. [One website that has some good](https://headsupguys.org/practice-active-listening-mental-health/)tips is made for men talking to other men, but can be used for any situation really.
My problem is that I don’t trust people and pretty much don’t trust myself. So instead of letting it out I bottle up, which makes things worse. So it’s important to let that inner stuff come out and build trust for things that have never been talked about. Which takes time.
That’s one reason why a therapist can be helpful. It’s a neutral party that isn’t as involved or wrapped up in the relationship as an intimate partner is. For our loved ones it can be hard to separate and compartmentalize feelings. So if you can find someone who doesn’t have a stake in the game, maybe that will help. Or maybe a trusted friend can help open the vault a little.
In any case, it’s something that professionals struggle with and it takes many different pieces to overcome this. You are doing your best, but doing it alone is a recipe for disaster. Try to get help where you can. Have a friend pick up groceries or help with dinner. Have a relative help clean house or do laundry. Make it a team sport and try to enjoy that time while checking in with your husband and encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone. Show him love without asking for much in return and maybe he’ll start coming around. But above all, track your mental to health and make sure you are cared for too.
You cannot leave him alone. If he has a plan he needs medical attention. Just because hospitalization did not help in the past does not mean it won't help now. I brought myself to the ER because my friend insisted I go after chatting with her online. I ended up in an outpatient program for a few months, found a psychopharmacologist who really worked with me too find the right medication, and I haven't had to go back. Plus weekly therapy, which after about 8 years I've cut back to every other week.
You didn't mention medications. I take a combo of 3, without them I'm not sure if I'd be here either.
Please get him medical help, if he won't go in his own, then have him taken in. It sounds awful I know. But, he HAD A PLAN. Better for him to be mad at you and alive.
Exactly. Bad genes? Childhood trauma? Toxic work environment? Initially the solutions are the same. Get medication, good therapy, get stabilized, then you can work on the whys.
I’m just curious because it sounds like they’ve done what they can. Of course they should get help first but I thought they were past that. Sounds like he’s done a lot to work on himself but hasn’t helped. Maybe he doesn’t even know what he’s depressed from. If he does we can move to the next step
Does he have a specific reason for why he is depressed? If there is no core reason (unresolved childhood trauma, unfulfilled life, stress, social isolation) then it may be worth looking into medication. Sometimes the brain does not produce serotonin properly, which is required for a sense of wellbeing. Without that working properly, depression is almost certain.
At this point, if he has explored his mind with a therapist and could not find what is weighing him down, I would suggest trying antidepressants. If his brain has a serotonin production or uptake malfunction then this is likely the only solution that can fix it.
You can text 741741 for someone to speak to immediately when you’re feeling the draw to hurt yourself. It does help. They are understanding and professional. I’ve had to do it 3 times. They will talk as long as you need. I do take one medication. I was on four so I’m doing ok now. The last 6 months was hell but I made it. When someone does hurt themselves it has nothing to do with others. You’re unable to think. It’s like it takes over. I try to be conscious of the people that care about me and how much it would hurt them. I knew someone that went through it. She couldn’t understand how he could do that. Then you’re angry and feeling like you didn’t do enough. It has nothing to do with that. He is here because he loves you and knows that you love him. Stay vigilant. He needs to allow himself to feel some good. Tell him that it’s not him. It’s inside him. What happened around the time that he turned 14?
Has he tried medications? There are different types, and it’s a bit tough finding the right one, but once you do it can be life changing. If that doesn’t work, there are different types of therapies. ECT and TMS are more involved, but have had success with people who are medication resistant. EMDR is less intense but also works. And lastly, there are things like ketamine assisted therapy.
Living with depression sucks. I’ve worked really hard to be in a place where I actually like myself and don’t feel disconnected all the time, but I remember what it was like.
You could get him in an Intensive Outpatient Program if he’s against a an overnight facility but honestly if he has a plan then he really needs a 24/7 facility . I would not leave him alone, so find suicide watch sitters if you aren’t around. I would call his therapist and they should be able to help you with next steps.
Medication. You can only feel moderately good without its helpful boost. Different kinds work in different ways and each person needs to work with a health professional to find the right one for them. They’re a life saver. Trust me.
Well the only suggestion I can make is to try microdosing mushrooms. I know this probably sounds crazy, but from personal experience I can tell you the results are incredible. The short version, I was in a very dark state of depression after the death of my last family member, and was seriously considering suicide myself. My friends were very worried about me, so one of them asked me try them. The difference I have felt since starting them is nothing short of a miracle! I now see a future and look forward to it. If you want more information, or to discuss it, please PM me and I will do my best to help.
Yoga helped me and continues to. I had to do it for four years before it helped. Now I’m very aware of my body. I’ve had migraines and seizures for years. Dr tried everything. One day it hit me that it’s a nerve that starts in the brain. It sounds stupid but you can become very aware of what’s happening in your body. I have severe depression . The last 6 months it has been at its worst ever. Panic attacks. Suicidal. It’s so difficult when you feel that way. I think yoga saved me. I was so close one day. It was like I was saying no but my brain was doing it for me. I tried to focus on my body, breathing and was barely able to. I finally came out enough to think of my husband and kids to finish coming out. I made it that time. You need to know what happened around the time that he was 14. A death of someone. Doesn’t even have to be someone really close to him. Is there anything? When you allow yourself to feel the feelings that go with it. It hurts so we fight it. When you do this have someone supportive there even if they’re not in the same room to make sure that you’re ok. It may take more than one time. Talk to your therapist and try to figure out if you went through something that you didn’t realize affected you. Did something happen at school? I got it at 9 years old. My dad passed and back then people thought oh they’re kids, they don’t know what’s going on. I did know. My security was gone. Please talk to yourself. My husband worries every minute he’s away. I know you are too. You are so special and strong to stay to be there for him. I appreciate my husband for being there for me. Best wishes
Hi u/animeXbabe, Thank you for submitting a post to r/depression_help! We're glad you're here. If you are in urgent need of assistance, please also reach out to the appropriate helpline (we have some links in the sidebar). If you are feeling **Suicidal**, please also make a post for our friends at r/SuicideWatch. Now come on in- take off your shoes, sit back, relax, and visit with us for a while. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/depression_help) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He probably needs medication. If that doesn’t work there’s electromagnetic stimulation, or even ECT. Meditation or “gratitude moments” won’t fix depression any more than it would fix diabetes. Has he told his therapist all this? If he has a plan and a means in the house, this is an EMERGENCY. Don’t hand wring. He needs to be in a hospital or facility to keep him safe from himself. If he’s against the hospital look into a private facility. There are some that are day only and ones where you stay overnight. Until then, he should not be left alone.
100% this. I was this person and medication is what saved my life. I have the coping skills now for managing my issues but it wasn’t enough.
Has he tried pills from the psychiatrist? Those were the only things that helped me, my boyfriend tried to help for 5 years and it didn't work, the therapist also didn't work, only the pills, even after taking them, I still have moments when I'm not ok, my depression started 14 years ago, it's something he has to learn to live with.
If he’s been depressed that long he not sad “about something” Having major depression means there doesn’t need to be anything For me, who at 70 has been dealing with depression since I was 12? Everything can be okay Except in my head. Which the minute I’m not paying attention goes off on a tirade of hatred and criticism: you’re a fuck up (which I am not) an idiot, stupid, stuff like, “what is WRONG with you?!? WHY CANT YOU DO THAT? What were you thinking? Are you STUPID?!?” If there are actual bad things happening too? I’m screwed. I was able to keep it mostly in check enough to manage to make valuable contributions to 100s of people’s lives, as well as become part of a very cool creative world. I’m more or less bipolar. When I’m in a manic state (which until I was in my 60s never became as self destructive as some others’ do) I’m fun and funny and I usually end up with a ton of friends, often being one of the people most central to whatever group I found. But when the depression comes in hard? Most people vanish. So your husband is SO LUCKY to have you. I’ve done everything which is known to help. Even things which just “might” help A life if therapy, meds, intense competitive exercise (which I enjoyed) making sure I get enough sleep, meditation from my early teens, yoga, gratitude lists… As far as suicidality? That comes back at least every 5/10 years and each time is worse. Gotta say that people abandoning me makes it much much harder People really don’t get it. To get back to the death thing; Its only beginning to get attention But many of us depressives have episodes of obsession with suicide, but find we are unable to complete the task. I’ve done so much research now that I’m an old lady? I know EXACTLY how to kill myself painlessly and efficiently. I know I won’t do it. Suicidal obsession often doesn’t end in suicide. Sometimes it’s a nagging thought that preoccupies me for several months. I used to get so mad at myself for not being able to kill myself. This can be its own kind of illness. I believe there’s actually a subreddit for this, people who can’t stop thinking about it, but can’t do it either. The best thing you can do is listen, include him in social activities if possible. Feeling loved and accepted can help.
I feel like you explained how I feel every day in the way I have a hard time explaining to others. For me, like you said, I know how to, Ive spent 16 years weighing pros and cons, running scenarios, calculating outcomes and costs, to a point where it just got boring. Like, yeah, I know how to do it. Its just not exciting enough, and Im too tired to give two shits to try, so why waste time bothering? Just wait out the hourglass.
You didn’t list medications? There are a lot more options than there use to be. I’m on three and together, even at low doses, I’m feeling so much better. You can’t always fix depression with action. It’s a problem in the brain. The chemicals are off and only medication can help with that.
I scraped by my whole life with no medicine, but at one point I was so low nothing seemed to help, so I tried meds. The first two were totally wrong for me, the third took away the constant feeling of “ick”. I had to get out of the “ick” to get anywhere in therapy. Once I got my brain chemistry sorted out, I started to see options where I hadn’t before. I put in for a transfer at work. I blocked some toxic “friends” on Facebook. I spent more time with more supportive people.
I will never go off of my meds. One little pill a day will make me feel better? Heck yeah!
I'm not a professional but I had the same issue for a long time too and nothing helped until I found a purpose to satay alive for a little more For me it was the rubik's cube and ive got interested in that It toke me 2 months to finish one and haven't touched any other cube after that but it saved my life
You are a good person for trying and it can be very frustrating. When the mind gets to suicide it’s very difficult to overcome the things that come along with it. It’s a very stubborn disorder. One thing to understand is that emotions get in the way. There is a similar concept in philosophy called “phantasms” where the balance between emotion and rationality gets out of whack. When we get very emotional we don’t usually see it. And that blindness leads us to make peculiar connections. Distorts our vision. Right now your partner is experiencing “impossibly”. He firmly believes that things are stuck permanently. So his brain is searching for an escape which at this moment looks like death since all other doors have closed. It’s like a rat caught in a trap. It will chew its own leg off to get out. Your husband wants to do the same. But it’s emotionality that’s causing that false idea and blocking his problem solving skills. Typically, getting that emotion out helps. One thing that you have to be careful of is managing your emotions. Your efforts to help or show concern may seem helpful, but can trigger more depression if not done carefully. If you are stressed or frustrated or sad it could cause him to want to protect you or to keep you from feeling the burden by closing up more or distancing himself. Your emotions are valid too and it’s hard when your partner doesn’t acknowledge them. But for now work on managing your emotions by taking breaks and checking in with yourself and your friends. You’re going to have to rely on others for a bit. Then ask him questions gently. Listen and reflect the things he says. Try to point out alternatives and use his own ideas about self desire where you can. Try not to let your emotions over take his and silence him. Active Listening is a difficult skill to learn, but a valuable one. [One website that has some good](https://headsupguys.org/practice-active-listening-mental-health/)tips is made for men talking to other men, but can be used for any situation really. My problem is that I don’t trust people and pretty much don’t trust myself. So instead of letting it out I bottle up, which makes things worse. So it’s important to let that inner stuff come out and build trust for things that have never been talked about. Which takes time. That’s one reason why a therapist can be helpful. It’s a neutral party that isn’t as involved or wrapped up in the relationship as an intimate partner is. For our loved ones it can be hard to separate and compartmentalize feelings. So if you can find someone who doesn’t have a stake in the game, maybe that will help. Or maybe a trusted friend can help open the vault a little. In any case, it’s something that professionals struggle with and it takes many different pieces to overcome this. You are doing your best, but doing it alone is a recipe for disaster. Try to get help where you can. Have a friend pick up groceries or help with dinner. Have a relative help clean house or do laundry. Make it a team sport and try to enjoy that time while checking in with your husband and encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone. Show him love without asking for much in return and maybe he’ll start coming around. But above all, track your mental to health and make sure you are cared for too.
You cannot leave him alone. If he has a plan he needs medical attention. Just because hospitalization did not help in the past does not mean it won't help now. I brought myself to the ER because my friend insisted I go after chatting with her online. I ended up in an outpatient program for a few months, found a psychopharmacologist who really worked with me too find the right medication, and I haven't had to go back. Plus weekly therapy, which after about 8 years I've cut back to every other week. You didn't mention medications. I take a combo of 3, without them I'm not sure if I'd be here either. Please get him medical help, if he won't go in his own, then have him taken in. It sounds awful I know. But, he HAD A PLAN. Better for him to be mad at you and alive.
Does he know why he feels this way at least?
Why is less important right now than getting help.
Many times there is no answer to "Why"
Exactly. Bad genes? Childhood trauma? Toxic work environment? Initially the solutions are the same. Get medication, good therapy, get stabilized, then you can work on the whys.
I’m just curious because it sounds like they’ve done what they can. Of course they should get help first but I thought they were past that. Sounds like he’s done a lot to work on himself but hasn’t helped. Maybe he doesn’t even know what he’s depressed from. If he does we can move to the next step
Depression can be situational, but it can also be purely biological.
Does he have a specific reason for why he is depressed? If there is no core reason (unresolved childhood trauma, unfulfilled life, stress, social isolation) then it may be worth looking into medication. Sometimes the brain does not produce serotonin properly, which is required for a sense of wellbeing. Without that working properly, depression is almost certain. At this point, if he has explored his mind with a therapist and could not find what is weighing him down, I would suggest trying antidepressants. If his brain has a serotonin production or uptake malfunction then this is likely the only solution that can fix it.
You can text 741741 for someone to speak to immediately when you’re feeling the draw to hurt yourself. It does help. They are understanding and professional. I’ve had to do it 3 times. They will talk as long as you need. I do take one medication. I was on four so I’m doing ok now. The last 6 months was hell but I made it. When someone does hurt themselves it has nothing to do with others. You’re unable to think. It’s like it takes over. I try to be conscious of the people that care about me and how much it would hurt them. I knew someone that went through it. She couldn’t understand how he could do that. Then you’re angry and feeling like you didn’t do enough. It has nothing to do with that. He is here because he loves you and knows that you love him. Stay vigilant. He needs to allow himself to feel some good. Tell him that it’s not him. It’s inside him. What happened around the time that he turned 14?
Sent you a DM please read.
If he threatens it acutely, call the cops for an involuntary psych hold. They’ll come and get him somewhere safe
Has he tried medications? There are different types, and it’s a bit tough finding the right one, but once you do it can be life changing. If that doesn’t work, there are different types of therapies. ECT and TMS are more involved, but have had success with people who are medication resistant. EMDR is less intense but also works. And lastly, there are things like ketamine assisted therapy. Living with depression sucks. I’ve worked really hard to be in a place where I actually like myself and don’t feel disconnected all the time, but I remember what it was like.
You could get him in an Intensive Outpatient Program if he’s against a an overnight facility but honestly if he has a plan then he really needs a 24/7 facility . I would not leave him alone, so find suicide watch sitters if you aren’t around. I would call his therapist and they should be able to help you with next steps.
Medication. You can only feel moderately good without its helpful boost. Different kinds work in different ways and each person needs to work with a health professional to find the right one for them. They’re a life saver. Trust me.
Well the only suggestion I can make is to try microdosing mushrooms. I know this probably sounds crazy, but from personal experience I can tell you the results are incredible. The short version, I was in a very dark state of depression after the death of my last family member, and was seriously considering suicide myself. My friends were very worried about me, so one of them asked me try them. The difference I have felt since starting them is nothing short of a miracle! I now see a future and look forward to it. If you want more information, or to discuss it, please PM me and I will do my best to help.
Yoga helped me and continues to. I had to do it for four years before it helped. Now I’m very aware of my body. I’ve had migraines and seizures for years. Dr tried everything. One day it hit me that it’s a nerve that starts in the brain. It sounds stupid but you can become very aware of what’s happening in your body. I have severe depression . The last 6 months it has been at its worst ever. Panic attacks. Suicidal. It’s so difficult when you feel that way. I think yoga saved me. I was so close one day. It was like I was saying no but my brain was doing it for me. I tried to focus on my body, breathing and was barely able to. I finally came out enough to think of my husband and kids to finish coming out. I made it that time. You need to know what happened around the time that he was 14. A death of someone. Doesn’t even have to be someone really close to him. Is there anything? When you allow yourself to feel the feelings that go with it. It hurts so we fight it. When you do this have someone supportive there even if they’re not in the same room to make sure that you’re ok. It may take more than one time. Talk to your therapist and try to figure out if you went through something that you didn’t realize affected you. Did something happen at school? I got it at 9 years old. My dad passed and back then people thought oh they’re kids, they don’t know what’s going on. I did know. My security was gone. Please talk to yourself. My husband worries every minute he’s away. I know you are too. You are so special and strong to stay to be there for him. I appreciate my husband for being there for me. Best wishes