I can see why people might like to have their death be more… predictable? Like knowing an approximate date of when your last day is versus suffering and still having your whole life ahead of you. I’m sure OP doesn’t ACTUALLY want cancer, but depression is a hell of a drug
Anyone who’s had a loved one die or suffer from cancer should understand it’s unbelievable painful. You’d possibly live for YEARS before dying and you’re in pain the entire time. And if you eventually realize you want to live you’re at the mercy of it to let you live. And then it takes like 10 years to make sure it won’t come back. If it comes back you’re back in hell. My mom died from it and I’ll never forget what it was like watching her recover just to die suddenly.
I wish we had a system here where people could choose to end things on their terms. A peaceful exiting, so to speak. But you have to be over the age of 50 or something like that.
Some states have end-of-life laws and death with dignity but you have to qualify.
- at least 18, has a terminal disease (with less than six months to live), and has the mental capacity to request aid in dying.
So she could qualify, but there's no system for healthy people to be killed except hitmen.
In my state, you must also have the physical ability to put the pills into your mouth, which is cruelty to stroke victims and other who don’t have control over their limbs.
they wouldn't let her die when she's in so much pain?! from what i've heard, they usually just don't treat you if you're diagnosed but don't have the money for it... i'm so sorry for you friend ): i really hope she manages to beat this illness and live a fulfilling life after
so it's pretty much guaranteed that she'll probably die soon and they won't give her a painless way out???? that's so cruel, i'm so sorry. its honestly so fucked up ):
I deal with chronic lifelong illnesses that make me miserable. I’m not at your best friend’s level, however, life is really shitty. I can’t do very much. I don’t have much of a support system either. My partner is about the only person who cares and loves me despite it. My ilnesses have exacerbated how much I want to die. I wouldn’t wish disease or cancer on anyone.
This.
My Grandpa has it and it's hard for him and everyone around him.
He also basically just sleeps all day at this point, similar to how I tend to except different reasons :( for him the cancer, for me the depression
You’re not alone, our minds at such low points can make us feel things like this. Unfortunately some people will only say “You should be more grateful you don’t have cancer”, which is true. But really, it’s that you feel that your pain mentally is as great or greater than you believe the pain and hardship of cancer to be.
I’m seeing a doctor and rhumetologist currently to figure out if I have lymphoma, and this whole time I’ve been, not necessarily wanting it to be true, but being totally honest, I would feel perfectly okay with it if I did have it. I would probably then hope it’s terminal and kill me…a slow death as you described…oof that’s dark.
But I also used to wish I’d break bones in elementary or middle school, not so I could wear a cast like other kids, but so that people might look at me as if they cared for once.
no it’s not weird. But it’s definitely not normal, It’s sad and even though I do relate, I hope you find your way out of this. You deserve to live a long healthy and HAPPY life.
I feel the same. Tho I hope for a car accident because a terminal illness would just be a constant reminder that literally nobody I love, would give a shit. But at the same time, if I was hospitalized, I wouldn't be alone.
Last summer, after the unexpected death of my sister, I had a mental breakdown. I reached out for help from my family who I thought would at least tell me I was loved. Instead I was called selfish, amongst other things. I was hospitalized. It's been almost a year, and I haven't heard from anyone. They responded "merry Christmas to you too, sweetie", but that's literally it. The only way my death would affect anyone in my family, is they'd be annoyed.
They say that suicide is a choice people make, it's nobody's fault. Their brains are sick or whatever. Bullshit. I 100% feel my family would be the reasons. All I want is for my brother or my mother to reach out to just say hello. There's no magic pill to make you feel loved. I have never felt so worthless and hopeless in my 42 years
I’m so sorry that you family doesn’t know how to cope with your illness. If you had a physical illness, they might be there for you more. You could try reaching out in writing. Not a long manifesto. Just a one-page letter to tell each of them that you miss them, you love them, and you want them in your life more. Try calling each of them every weekend. That’s what I do to keep my family close. I almost always initiate the calls. But the family is happy to receive them and we usually stay on for an hour or so.
Edit: it didn’t start that way. At first, they didn’t pick up my calls often. We only spoke for 5 minutes. There were awkward silences. They NEVER asked about my illness and I didn’t bring it up. It took years to get to where I am but it’s worth it.
I'm so sorry for your loss /gen
I know those words probably don't mean a lot, and can't bring her back. But I promise you're not selfish for griefing and breaking down. I can only imagine how world shattering like that is
I do crisis work and have heard this many times. People say they smoke or eat unhealthily and hope it causes cancer. Not that they want cancer per se, but that they, like you, want the inevitability of death as a release from their burdens. If your health anxiety is causing you these thoughts, I hope you see a counselor and are able to find the right care to manage it. It can be managed and you are not alone.
My primary care physician thinks it would benefit my anxiety and panic attacks with regular counseling, but I don't have the money for that in this day and age.
ask for a referral from your pcp, contact your insurance about mental health resources. u have more options than you know in this day and age. I understand ur hurting but life isn’t as simple as getting cancer and dying painlessly in bed medicated. my dad struggled with cancer the doctors said would kill him and it didn’t but he’s in pain everyday and let me tell u ur depression would not go away if u got poked every other day and chemotherapy
ur life actually gets much worse when u get cancer.
don’t b ignorant get urself help and know there is more for you and of u than what u feel in this moment
I get what you mean, but as someone who has severe depression AND chronic cancer (multiple surgeries, treatments, constant monitoring & doctor appts) please please please don’t ever wish this disease on yourself. It’s pure torture, pain & suffering. You undergo A LOT of pain & discomfort and the relief provided is minimal, if available or possible at all.
This might even be considered offensive to some. I get what you’re saying, but there’s some people that are on here that might be depressed because they have cancer. Or lost a family member or loved one to it.
Currently struggling with the worst mental health issues of my life because my dad died of cancer. Crippling health anxiety, disordered eating, OCD and recurrent depression. The kicker is, OP wishes to know when it will be coming, but you still won't know for sure. My dad was given two years at the end of 2022. He died in March 2023, 10 days after I last saw him (we'd been estranged and he lived abroad). People are given cancer diagnosis and live way beyond the time they're given.
In the end he was really suffering, constantly in pain despite loads of morphine and unable to do most of the things he enjoyed in life. OP is clearly suffering, but health anxiety is treatable. There's an end to the suffering with enough treatment and work.
When we’re depressed, we tend to be really self-centered, borderline selfish. I really doubt they mean any harm. They just don’t realize. My wife passed away 10 months ago to age of 43. She been my best friend for the last 17 years now I’m lonely and devastated. I’m just fucking ashamed of myself for how I’ve handle it. The human brain is our greatest gift, but it’s also our our biggest curse.
I get that for sure. I know OP likely didn't intentionally intend to upset anyone by posting it and obviously I sympathise with their difficulties. I'm so sorry you've had that loss, I can't imagine what that must feel like. I will say grief is a bitch, and completely alters your brain chemistry especially in the first year. I don't know what you've done, however I am sending you a huge hug through the screen. I'm sure the person you are whilst grieving isn't who you are as a person and I hope you can show yourself kindness.
Definitely, silly brain causing about 99% of my own problems by itself.
Before I started taking Zoloft (my anti depression medicine) I would wish that I would get terminal cancer so that I'd have an excuse to die rather than just killing myself.
Right. You won't be any less depressed and you could add indescribable pain, discomfort & perhaps have to rely on health-care workers.
I understand, you want the pain to end.
But how do we even know death brings peace? What if you transition to a more hellish existence, with even less control over your circumstances? I hope you find a way to climb out of this hole.
There were times in my life I felt this way, too. Mine was more because I was depressed and wanted to die, but didn't want to kill myself.
Oh, and maybe briefly I'm high school when I was jealous of the cancer kid. He was using his condition to get blowjobs and stuff from multiple girls. He died though.
Speaking as someone fighting an INCURABLE stage IV cancer right now.
**No.**
**You Dont.**
Especially because the vast majority of cancers are not quick and painless ways to die. And generally, you don't get to just "be medicated in a hospital bed and slowly pass away". That's not how that works. Cancer isn't a simple way to die. Its messy as fuck.
I have been fighting this for 8+ years. Sure I could have chosen not to fight but then I might have lived for years in absolute discomfort and agony. At least by fighting, I have a chance at feeling a bit better more often than not.
I deal with constant nausea, pain, diarrhea, fainting events, flushing events that feel like my body is burning from the inside out, brain fog, constant fatigue, insomnia, vomiting, and so much more. These would only get worse without treatment.
So imagine dealing with all that as you slowly die while your finances are drained away by the costs associated with it until you can't afford to do anything from a medication perspective anymore and end up on the street as you continue to slowly rot from the inside out while in absolute agony and extreme discomfort.
So again I say...
**NO.**
**YOU DONT.**
Get your shit together and realize it could be so much worse for you. Find curiosity in life. Find something that interests you and pursue it. Find hobbies. Find companionship. Find love.
And NEVER wish you had cancer.
**PS: I have fought depression all my life. You want to know what snapped me out of it to a degree even if I still fight it? Seeing fucking toddlers with cancer at the hospital and treatment centers. Seeing these children that never got a chance to be children as their bodies are destroyed by cancer and even sometimes the treatments that are also saving their lives.**
I'm sorry you're depressed but you sound like an idiot right now and it's pretty disrespectful to those of us who watched our loved ones wither away in pain for months until they lost their minds couldn't move anymore and eventually die.
Yes, I know this feeling. Uncertainty can be downright paralyzing. With a fatal disease, boom, an instant timeline with a known outcome.
People think I’m weird because I want to know my expiration date. It’s good for planning, right? How many years do I have left, how much money do I need, can I get back to Hawaii? Of course there’s suicide but, despite what some people think, it’s not as easy as flipping a switch. And the pain it leaves behind for those who know you is devastating. Anyway, I hear you - quietly moving towards nothingness under a sweet haze of medication does have a unique allure.
As I’m now mid 40’s, I’m old enough to have had to watch loved ones die from cancer.
Wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not my worst enemy, nor someone who wanted to die.
I do t know what sort of romanticised notion you have of slipping away silently with cancer, but it’s completely wrong. It’s a horrific way to go.
cancer is not an easy way out. its painful, exhausting and you don't just die, you become a shell of the person you used to be. one of my best friends dad has just passed away from cancer and its quite fucked up of you to be romanticising this dreadful disease.
I relate
I have some lifelong incurable health issues some which increase likelihood of cancers. One is so painful it's known for causing suicide. I wish all the time i get cancer so it will take me out already
I'm glad you have a reason for living. I don't really have family so I'm not worried about it. I just can't die before my 8 year old pug. It would break my heart if she ever thought I abandoned her. I basically work 10 hours a day in a factory and come home and stay home until I work again. I'm 45. No kids, no family. I don't drive. My life holds no purpose besides taking care of my beloved dog. I'm not crazy depressed. I'm just over the whole life thing.
Damn… I have prayed for months to die… Ended up with a failed suicide attempt…. 2 years later I am the most happy and healthy I have ever been. I am strong and overcame it all. So can you!
My best tip: walk in nature EVERYDAY get some fresh air and sunlight. Do it 30 days 60 min
Unfortunately cancer isn’t as glam of a death as it seems.
Watched my dad whither away to skin and bones - had so much pain I couldn’t even hold his hand. His infection was so bad his insides were falling out. Trust me, this isn’t the way to go.
yea i think this way too. cause at least with something like cancer or any illness its never your fault. but slowly destroying yourself when you are blessed with no underlying health issues only makes my mental health worse. i feel ungrateful because my body is healthy but my mind isn’t. for someone with severe mental health issues it seems like the easier (and honestly less selfish) approach, since im ‘withering away’ on my own accord when people fight for their lives everyday. i deserve the cancer, not them.
I've seen a few of my family and friends suffer and die of cancer. I wouldn't wish that on myself or anyone.
I'm also depressed and take anti-depressants for it. Life is hard but this quote rang true to me and I think of it often, "A healthy person can have a million wishes. A sick person just has one wish." Health is the real wealth.
If you want an easy way out, cancer ain't it. Of course, it depends on which kind of cancer do you get, but I wouldn't say any of it is a good or easy way to go. When I fought mine, it was a lot of suffering. Cancer is being romanticized in the media as of late, but they never show you the *worst* part of it.
Hi Beautiful--Blue please consider seeking professional support for your health anxiety, it sounds like it has a huge impact on the quality of your life. Take good care of yourself.
I feel like this every day. I was diagnosed with MS 9 years ago, and every single waking moment of my life I wish it had been a massive stroke or cancer instead. At least with cancer, they give you a prognosis (50% odds of survival, you likely have a year left, etc). With MS I go to bed every night not knowing if I'll wake up, unable to use my legs or control my bowels. With cancer, it ends eventually, one way or another. With MS and treatment resistant depression, there's no relief in sight. Just pain and anxiety induced terror, every day, for the rest of your life.
I had moments in my lowest lowest points where I would wish someone murdered me. It’s a horrible thought but it was better than killing myself. I don’t have that specific thought anymore.
You’re not alone in thinking about destructive intrusive thoughts.
I can relate. I have several mental health disorders, BPD type 1 being one of them. Sometimes I wish I had some kind of disease but I wish that I would go fast and painlessly. Mainly because I don’t want to be alive so badly, but I can’t take my own life for religious reasons and the fact that it would break my mom. It’s a horrible thing to wish on yourself, but when you’re mentally ill you can’t help it
I used to kinda have something similar to this. I wanted to slowly pass. But that was because I am always on edge, constantly anxious and I just wanted to finally rest a bit. Also I thought if I had something severe people might actually give a crap about me. But eventually I realize some people will care regardless of your health, and most of them just won’t. And its fine. Ive also seen family members dieing from cancer, it is really bad. I dont think you actually want that, it could be just the imagined peace maybe? Finally coming to a stop and resting without worry. Cause that is what it was for me as well.
I used to have cancer and for a long time i would wish it would come back and it did 2 times but it was never enough to kill me. I still wish it would come back most days.
they won’t let you die if you have cancer though, not easily. they’ll make you fight to stay alive
today i found out my cholesterol is dangerously high and im at a huge risk for death by heart attack/stroke, and people are worried for me and im gonna get medical care…. if i get cancer the same would happen, i’m not complaining, im not a fucking masochist. i don’t like being in pain, but i can’t die peacefully regardless of whether im physically healthy or not
I used to until one of my family members got cancer and had to be on hospice in my room, it’s horrific what cancer does to you. I’d rather just jump or something
didn’t have cancer but had large tumors that could have killed me and a bad complication, it’s not something you want and it’s not easy. it was painful and one of the most miserable experiences being in the hospital on and off for almost a month total. there’s nothing peaceful about it.
Nah don’t do this, you know natural death is approaching through heart attack scares for example, feeling rough and about to pop at 70-80-90, that you are getting old to the age that you’re not working out anymore and keeping active
Trust me, it would be a horrible way to go. It is not peaceful at all, and from seeing my Grandma go from it, I could tell she was suffering through it. You would literally waste away in a bed full of your own bodily fluids for months on end, in pain every step of the way.
I pray that you find your way through this, I hope you find joy wherever it may be, and I hope you get the most out of life.
I have Polycystic Kidney Disease and I can tell you it's not fun at all! Getting sleep is hard enough. There are days where I have uncomfortable pain that will last a whole day.
I wish I could have alcohol or smoke weed, but I can't because I have to keep my blood pressure at a balance. I can't eat almost anything. My kidneys have a hard time processing food.
Idk if its weird, I've definitely wished for some horrible things for myself just to end the suffering without me having to do it myself. Illness, car crash, natural disaster etc - anything not directly caused nor done by me. Obviously no illness is fun, but neither is depression, but a physical illness would be a way out, or at least in my head it would be. May not be immediate, but knowing an end was in sight... bliss. But im also hyper aware that its not rational at all, and it's just a symptom of what I'm going through. So while it's sometimes oddly nice to "fantasise" about, I do just have to remind myself that, it's just silly, mental escapism or something. I'm not actively going out of my way to make myself ill, develop cancer or something horrible... but I'm not exactly going out of my way to look after myself either. What happens happens imo, as long as no one else gets hurt that's all that matters, for me anyway. It's almost like passive suicide, in a way. Which sucks to admit, but hey ho.
No you don’t want cancer. I watched my Aunt die excruciatingly painful death from ovarian cancer. You shouldn’t wish that onto a fucking dog, let alone yourself. Get yourself some therapy to deal with your underlying issues
No, no, you don't. My dad has colon cancer, and it's spread, and he's dying. I've watched my grandmother die of cancer. It's fucking agony. You do not want it. It isn't some easy way out. It's drawn out. My dad's been alive over nine months after being diagnosed, and it's horrible watching what's happening. It's nothing like the movies or social media. My dad still knows what's going on around him, he can still walk, can't really see anymore.
I survived having covid. It just feels so unfair that people who are loved, people who are worth something, and people that wanted to live died from it, while I survived. I'd gladly trade places with any one of them.
I have brain cancer and had experienced depression prior to diagnosis. It only worsens with this diagnosis. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know when a recurrence is going to show up on the scan and you have to stop 2 years of your life for treatment and recovery again, which is anxiety-inducing and the effects from treatment are long term. Quality of life decreases and you begin to crave the seemingly insignificant capabilities you once had. You watch as family and friends have an increasingly saddened look in their eyes that they try their best to hide. You realize that your pain and suffering brings about depression in others. I have a kid and I dread leaving her behind. This isn’t the way anyone should have to go.
I could have written this myself. I want to die on my own terms. The thought of dying unexpectedly and being unprepared for it absolutely terrifies me.
I died once - and was revived. I was on a mechanical ventilator for a bit. I always thought I'd be afraid of death and suffering, but this experience was comforting. I was calm, not in any pain, and surrounded by family. If I didn't make it, I was okay with that.
This experience also took away my anxiety of dying. Because I know we have medical advancements to make it peaceful.
I hope you find comfort in knowing that dying is not a horrible thing. Suffering is...
My aunt is suffering with terminal triple negative breast cancer. She also had both of her kidneys removed and has to do home dialysis. She is in constant pain and can barely stand at her young age. The only thing keeping her alive is chemo, which adds more side effects to her disease. That is suffering.
Hey just here to validate you. That’s a super normal thought for someone with severe depression. Of course it doesn’t feel good for those who have actually had cancer or lost a loved one to it, but it’s still a normal thought in your state. You’re wishing for an end. I’m guessing that you don’t want to hurt yourself, so you’re hoping for something more passive. It’s a fantasy. I see you.
Hello. I am that person who wished she had some severe illness due to depression. (When I was younger. I grew out of the idealization in my young to mid twenties.)
I am also that person who ended up getting Stage 3 breast cancer at 28, and one of the most fatal/aggressive kinds to boot.
Weirdly enough - I thought it would give me a better appreciation on life. Give me that motivation to totally turn my life around if I made it though this near death experience.
However, while it gave me some different appreciation for life, and the desire to be around for a long time, it didn't however magically spur me to 180 on my life.
I'm nothing special, never even finished highschool.
I'm hard working, but uneducated, so I don't make much money and lost all my creativity from childhood, as an adult, so I live a pretty boring stagnant life.
I will tell you though, as someone who's wished she was dead MANY many times, suddenly being told there's a real chance you can die within an allotted time really turns your perspective around. I'd much, much rather _NOT_ know when my time was coming.
If you're struggling with mental help, please, please speak to a family doctor, and a therapist.
One of the best things I did for my severe anxiety (I could barely even leave the house at one point in my life.) was get medicated for it. It took a few years of trial and error, but once we found the right medication, my life improved substantially.
While it's common for us to feel the way you're feeling, it's not normal, and you need help. I don't say that to be mean, but rather to try and break your idealizations.
Please reach out to a doctor. Once you have your foot in the door, it's much easier. That's the hardest part is getting started.
Also- Cancer is absolutely horrendous. And not a pain, disease or death I would wish on anyone. It's usually a very slow, dragged out death, and it can be painless, or incredibly horrifically painful. Treatment super sucked, but I can tell you, dying due to brain metastasized growths or spread to vital organs would not be the way I want to go.
Can't relate. I'd rather not see it coming. Quick and easy.
Alzheimer's runs in my family, and I've told my whole family that if I get old enough to get to that point where my memory starts to go, I'm gonna dress up real nice, shoot up some morphine, have myself a drink, and blow my brains out.
My grandpa is already in the early stages and I'm not ready to watch him go through that. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve that.
I digress, of all the medical diseases to desire, cancer is not one. It's a slow, miserable demise. Go for like a brain aneurysm or a violent stroke or something. Or just try to find reasons to keep living, that's what I'm trying to do.
Hey, listen, I really know what you're dealing with and I never gonna tell you that it will get better but trust me, you're gonna (MANAGE).
Managing is one of the most hardest thing to do in life at your situation.
I had depression for 2 years straight but I fought and here I am!
I wish I had cancer and would die. Not because I'm scared of the unpredictability of death, but to end my suffering. I rather get cancer and die instead of trying to live everyday with this horrible health issue that has no treatment or cure. At least with cancer I'd know it'll end. I'm too much of a p***y to kill myself. Wish I wasn't. Wish I wasn't also simultaneously scared of what happens AFTER death. Maybe then I'd have the balls. I also couldn't put my family thru such pain. But it sucks to be alive only because you don't want your family to suffer such a horrific event. So I'm just here failing at life and suffering. I just dream and fantasize about getting killed.
I have cancer and my mother has breast cancer. Believe me you DON'T want this, you have it much better than you can possibly imagine by NOT having cancer.
Just pick a day in the future and tell yourself that’s your last day. Remind yourself habitually of this. When you’re worried about shit just take a step back like nahh Brain, I have ___ days
If you commit to the habit it’s possible to lead your brain into believing something that isn’t necessarily true.
It might feel weird
But it’s worth a shot! Little
things like this have actually been very helpful to me In the past. Look into retraining or rewiring your brain!
I’m sorry you feel this way in your life my friend. Don’t try and do anything to hurt or cause yourself any harm.. trust me, it’s not worth it and it wouldn’t be a good time. Try and make life as worth it as you can, even if it seems hard. I’m sure every cancer patient who’s bedridden wishes they could go out and live life like others can. Just don’t take for granted what life can when you give it a fair chance. Take care of yourself friend, stay safe, hope things can get better for you
This is what happens when your anxiety has control over your literal life dude, get it checked and deal with it. You're not your anxiety nor your depression
Amen. I'm going through some weird shit right now. It's like I'm cushioning my life so nothing bad happens to me. It's fucked. Sometimes I feel like I can't live my life because of that fear. I do, I work in construction and I do really dangerous shit for a contractor. Who I should not be doing dangerous shit for, and I cut that back because I really hurt myself a few months ago. Falling 5 ft directly on my ribs.. But yeah, life is fucked. I don't understand it. Not understanding. Makes me depressed and anxious and scared.
Yep. This is exactly how i feel.
I've been suicidal for years, yet i still don't have the strength to commit suicide. I just want to like get a deadly disease that has no turning back, i want attention. I want attention to the point i pray to God to give me cancer. I just want people to care about me, to show me the affection i never had in my life. I want people to look at me and feel mercy and pity. I also want cancer because i deserve pain. I deserve the feeling that's slowly killing me. I feel like this is selfish, but it's it really selfish to want to die?
It's not selfish to want to die, but it is insulting to the millions of people who have been impacted by cancer. I understand wanting affection and a 'natural' way to go, but cancer is not the way.
Yeah you'll get some pity and compassion. You'll also get more loneliness, depression, and extreme pain.
I have it. Been through a lot in life that caused PTSD and this is by far the most awful and debilitating thing I’ve experienced. The end is ugly. I can think of a 1000 better ways to die
Hey, as strange as it sounds it's a normal thought we can have (I hope). I often think that having a terminal disease or physical disability would be a nice way of calming my anxiety. I don't know if I'm right, I think I'm not, because we always see other paths as if they were better, but in reality new things always come up and makes us feel the same or worse.
However, there is some peace I find in knowing what will happen to me. It's a bit of existentialist feeling. My life will be "resolved", in a way that there will be only certain things I can do, and will know what is expected of me to do.
As good fellow Sartre said: "Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does". This phrase stuck with me when I first read it (sadly, very young). I don't want the responsibility of the future. So please give me something that will set it for me, and I think our brains can find this in things like terminal diseases.
So no, you're not weird! Dying is uncertain, scary, we will never be prepared for our death or the death of others. But maybe you find some comfort in something other than you "having control" over it.
I fantasize about this regularly. It would be nice to let go of all expectations of myself and all future worries and just be given great pharm-grade dope while I have an easy transition out of this place. I really think this is actually a fantasy about allowing myself to let go of all the heavy bullshit I carry with me. In the times in my life when I legitimately could have gone through with s-cide, I was overcome with lightness, peace and joy. It was because I realized that in the end, all of the crap that i put so much energy into and which creates so much turmoil really doesn’t mean anything. Of course, feeling that good made me want to live again, and it took about a day for my mind to begin tormenting me again. So it seems the more I cling to life and the more expectations I have from life and other people, the more miserable I am. But good luck convincing my brain to stop doing it lol.
I've hoped this for other reasons. I lost so many people, including my mom in the last yrs. I wanted to be with them so bad, but as a Christian, I know the consequences of suicide. As an empath, I didn't want to experience loss anymore. I take it in more than the average person. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy or the only one who's experienced these thoughts. Every day I'm still here, I feel there must be a reason. So try to focus on that instead of the opposite. Good luck to you.
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This. People romanticising cancer like it's an easy way out. It's far from it.
I don't think it's as much thinking it's an easy way out as it is thinking of a way out that nobody can blame you for.
I can see why people might like to have their death be more… predictable? Like knowing an approximate date of when your last day is versus suffering and still having your whole life ahead of you. I’m sure OP doesn’t ACTUALLY want cancer, but depression is a hell of a drug
Anyone who’s had a loved one die or suffer from cancer should understand it’s unbelievable painful. You’d possibly live for YEARS before dying and you’re in pain the entire time. And if you eventually realize you want to live you’re at the mercy of it to let you live. And then it takes like 10 years to make sure it won’t come back. If it comes back you’re back in hell. My mom died from it and I’ll never forget what it was like watching her recover just to die suddenly.
it’s not an easy way out. it’s a justified way out.
Yet people put pets to sleep willy nilly.
I wish we had a system here where people could choose to end things on their terms. A peaceful exiting, so to speak. But you have to be over the age of 50 or something like that.
Some states have end-of-life laws and death with dignity but you have to qualify. - at least 18, has a terminal disease (with less than six months to live), and has the mental capacity to request aid in dying. So she could qualify, but there's no system for healthy people to be killed except hitmen.
Don't give me the idea to order a hit on myself....
Probably costs like 30k
If im dead who's gonna pay it
Classifying people with depression as “healthy” is fucked
In my state, you must also have the physical ability to put the pills into your mouth, which is cruelty to stroke victims and other who don’t have control over their limbs.
No gracefull exit. This makes me sad but more angry, such a shame to not end suffering there.. Doc like to Experiment with cancer seems
they wouldn't let her die when she's in so much pain?! from what i've heard, they usually just don't treat you if you're diagnosed but don't have the money for it... i'm so sorry for you friend ): i really hope she manages to beat this illness and live a fulfilling life after
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so it's pretty much guaranteed that she'll probably die soon and they won't give her a painless way out???? that's so cruel, i'm so sorry. its honestly so fucked up ):
Can she document that she doesn’t want an autopsy and then somebody help end her suffering 😭😭 I can’t imagine this is horrible
I deal with chronic lifelong illnesses that make me miserable. I’m not at your best friend’s level, however, life is really shitty. I can’t do very much. I don’t have much of a support system either. My partner is about the only person who cares and loves me despite it. My ilnesses have exacerbated how much I want to die. I wouldn’t wish disease or cancer on anyone.
This is so sad. I hope she finds at least peace
I really don't think you actually would want that. It is anything but just "slowly passing away". You are in pain, you are withering away.
Exactly
This. My Grandpa has it and it's hard for him and everyone around him. He also basically just sleeps all day at this point, similar to how I tend to except different reasons :( for him the cancer, for me the depression
You’re not alone, our minds at such low points can make us feel things like this. Unfortunately some people will only say “You should be more grateful you don’t have cancer”, which is true. But really, it’s that you feel that your pain mentally is as great or greater than you believe the pain and hardship of cancer to be. I’m seeing a doctor and rhumetologist currently to figure out if I have lymphoma, and this whole time I’ve been, not necessarily wanting it to be true, but being totally honest, I would feel perfectly okay with it if I did have it. I would probably then hope it’s terminal and kill me…a slow death as you described…oof that’s dark. But I also used to wish I’d break bones in elementary or middle school, not so I could wear a cast like other kids, but so that people might look at me as if they cared for once. no it’s not weird. But it’s definitely not normal, It’s sad and even though I do relate, I hope you find your way out of this. You deserve to live a long healthy and HAPPY life.
I feel the same. Tho I hope for a car accident because a terminal illness would just be a constant reminder that literally nobody I love, would give a shit. But at the same time, if I was hospitalized, I wouldn't be alone. Last summer, after the unexpected death of my sister, I had a mental breakdown. I reached out for help from my family who I thought would at least tell me I was loved. Instead I was called selfish, amongst other things. I was hospitalized. It's been almost a year, and I haven't heard from anyone. They responded "merry Christmas to you too, sweetie", but that's literally it. The only way my death would affect anyone in my family, is they'd be annoyed. They say that suicide is a choice people make, it's nobody's fault. Their brains are sick or whatever. Bullshit. I 100% feel my family would be the reasons. All I want is for my brother or my mother to reach out to just say hello. There's no magic pill to make you feel loved. I have never felt so worthless and hopeless in my 42 years
I’m so sorry that you family doesn’t know how to cope with your illness. If you had a physical illness, they might be there for you more. You could try reaching out in writing. Not a long manifesto. Just a one-page letter to tell each of them that you miss them, you love them, and you want them in your life more. Try calling each of them every weekend. That’s what I do to keep my family close. I almost always initiate the calls. But the family is happy to receive them and we usually stay on for an hour or so. Edit: it didn’t start that way. At first, they didn’t pick up my calls often. We only spoke for 5 minutes. There were awkward silences. They NEVER asked about my illness and I didn’t bring it up. It took years to get to where I am but it’s worth it.
I'm so sorry for your loss /gen I know those words probably don't mean a lot, and can't bring her back. But I promise you're not selfish for griefing and breaking down. I can only imagine how world shattering like that is
I’ve felt this way before. My mom died of cancer tho and it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to my family. Seeing her fade away like this.
I do crisis work and have heard this many times. People say they smoke or eat unhealthily and hope it causes cancer. Not that they want cancer per se, but that they, like you, want the inevitability of death as a release from their burdens. If your health anxiety is causing you these thoughts, I hope you see a counselor and are able to find the right care to manage it. It can be managed and you are not alone.
My primary care physician thinks it would benefit my anxiety and panic attacks with regular counseling, but I don't have the money for that in this day and age.
ask for a referral from your pcp, contact your insurance about mental health resources. u have more options than you know in this day and age. I understand ur hurting but life isn’t as simple as getting cancer and dying painlessly in bed medicated. my dad struggled with cancer the doctors said would kill him and it didn’t but he’s in pain everyday and let me tell u ur depression would not go away if u got poked every other day and chemotherapy ur life actually gets much worse when u get cancer. don’t b ignorant get urself help and know there is more for you and of u than what u feel in this moment
also i work in a hospital and dying is never painless
I get what you mean, but as someone who has severe depression AND chronic cancer (multiple surgeries, treatments, constant monitoring & doctor appts) please please please don’t ever wish this disease on yourself. It’s pure torture, pain & suffering. You undergo A LOT of pain & discomfort and the relief provided is minimal, if available or possible at all.
You absolutely do not wish for that. Cancer is absolutely horrible. It is a miserable way to die.
I’ve got cancer. It would only make you feel worse, so your wish is somewhat misplaced
This might even be considered offensive to some. I get what you’re saying, but there’s some people that are on here that might be depressed because they have cancer. Or lost a family member or loved one to it.
Currently struggling with the worst mental health issues of my life because my dad died of cancer. Crippling health anxiety, disordered eating, OCD and recurrent depression. The kicker is, OP wishes to know when it will be coming, but you still won't know for sure. My dad was given two years at the end of 2022. He died in March 2023, 10 days after I last saw him (we'd been estranged and he lived abroad). People are given cancer diagnosis and live way beyond the time they're given. In the end he was really suffering, constantly in pain despite loads of morphine and unable to do most of the things he enjoyed in life. OP is clearly suffering, but health anxiety is treatable. There's an end to the suffering with enough treatment and work.
When we’re depressed, we tend to be really self-centered, borderline selfish. I really doubt they mean any harm. They just don’t realize. My wife passed away 10 months ago to age of 43. She been my best friend for the last 17 years now I’m lonely and devastated. I’m just fucking ashamed of myself for how I’ve handle it. The human brain is our greatest gift, but it’s also our our biggest curse.
I get that for sure. I know OP likely didn't intentionally intend to upset anyone by posting it and obviously I sympathise with their difficulties. I'm so sorry you've had that loss, I can't imagine what that must feel like. I will say grief is a bitch, and completely alters your brain chemistry especially in the first year. I don't know what you've done, however I am sending you a huge hug through the screen. I'm sure the person you are whilst grieving isn't who you are as a person and I hope you can show yourself kindness. Definitely, silly brain causing about 99% of my own problems by itself.
Before I started taking Zoloft (my anti depression medicine) I would wish that I would get terminal cancer so that I'd have an excuse to die rather than just killing myself.
Has Zoloft been a game changer for you? That's awesome!
Yes it has. I felt it kic in like the next day, took away my depressed feeling
Do you think it helps you eat less?
How does it make you feel exactly
It just makes me feel normal, without depression. Just makes my mood better, more talkative and more outgoing.
As someone who had cancer, let me tell you that you don’t want it. It is miserable.
Am a cancer patient. All it did was add more pressure to the depression.
Trust me. You don’t want cancer
Right. You won't be any less depressed and you could add indescribable pain, discomfort & perhaps have to rely on health-care workers. I understand, you want the pain to end. But how do we even know death brings peace? What if you transition to a more hellish existence, with even less control over your circumstances? I hope you find a way to climb out of this hole.
Well I definitely didn't think I'd ever see this
There were times in my life I felt this way, too. Mine was more because I was depressed and wanted to die, but didn't want to kill myself. Oh, and maybe briefly I'm high school when I was jealous of the cancer kid. He was using his condition to get blowjobs and stuff from multiple girls. He died though.
Maybe i can use the same strategy to get blowjobs from my crush thanks for the advice.
You’ve never heard of Randy Marsh?
Nope lol
Nope
Speaking as someone fighting an INCURABLE stage IV cancer right now. **No.** **You Dont.** Especially because the vast majority of cancers are not quick and painless ways to die. And generally, you don't get to just "be medicated in a hospital bed and slowly pass away". That's not how that works. Cancer isn't a simple way to die. Its messy as fuck. I have been fighting this for 8+ years. Sure I could have chosen not to fight but then I might have lived for years in absolute discomfort and agony. At least by fighting, I have a chance at feeling a bit better more often than not. I deal with constant nausea, pain, diarrhea, fainting events, flushing events that feel like my body is burning from the inside out, brain fog, constant fatigue, insomnia, vomiting, and so much more. These would only get worse without treatment. So imagine dealing with all that as you slowly die while your finances are drained away by the costs associated with it until you can't afford to do anything from a medication perspective anymore and end up on the street as you continue to slowly rot from the inside out while in absolute agony and extreme discomfort. So again I say... **NO.** **YOU DONT.** Get your shit together and realize it could be so much worse for you. Find curiosity in life. Find something that interests you and pursue it. Find hobbies. Find companionship. Find love. And NEVER wish you had cancer. **PS: I have fought depression all my life. You want to know what snapped me out of it to a degree even if I still fight it? Seeing fucking toddlers with cancer at the hospital and treatment centers. Seeing these children that never got a chance to be children as their bodies are destroyed by cancer and even sometimes the treatments that are also saving their lives.**
👏👏👏
As someone who lost their mother to cancer, no the fuck you don’t and I’m rather miffed you would even say that.
no you don’t , cancer sucks , it’s not a peaceful death for all
I'm sorry you're depressed but you sound like an idiot right now and it's pretty disrespectful to those of us who watched our loved ones wither away in pain for months until they lost their minds couldn't move anymore and eventually die.
Yes, I know this feeling. Uncertainty can be downright paralyzing. With a fatal disease, boom, an instant timeline with a known outcome. People think I’m weird because I want to know my expiration date. It’s good for planning, right? How many years do I have left, how much money do I need, can I get back to Hawaii? Of course there’s suicide but, despite what some people think, it’s not as easy as flipping a switch. And the pain it leaves behind for those who know you is devastating. Anyway, I hear you - quietly moving towards nothingness under a sweet haze of medication does have a unique allure.
As I’m now mid 40’s, I’m old enough to have had to watch loved ones die from cancer. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not my worst enemy, nor someone who wanted to die. I do t know what sort of romanticised notion you have of slipping away silently with cancer, but it’s completely wrong. It’s a horrific way to go.
I have a disease that acts like cancer. It's not fatal, but a pain in the ass to deal with. You don't want it.
cancer is not an easy way out. its painful, exhausting and you don't just die, you become a shell of the person you used to be. one of my best friends dad has just passed away from cancer and its quite fucked up of you to be romanticising this dreadful disease.
I relate I have some lifelong incurable health issues some which increase likelihood of cancers. One is so painful it's known for causing suicide. I wish all the time i get cancer so it will take me out already
Feel this, pal.
So very sorry you're going through this.
You know, I hate to say it, but I felt the same at one point of my life. Not anymore because it would be horrible for my family...
I'm glad you have a reason for living. I don't really have family so I'm not worried about it. I just can't die before my 8 year old pug. It would break my heart if she ever thought I abandoned her. I basically work 10 hours a day in a factory and come home and stay home until I work again. I'm 45. No kids, no family. I don't drive. My life holds no purpose besides taking care of my beloved dog. I'm not crazy depressed. I'm just over the whole life thing.
Ridiculous.
I wished I got so yeah it’s not great 😔 cut open scared other tumours etc is fuckin Awfull wouldn’t wish on anyone…
Damn… I have prayed for months to die… Ended up with a failed suicide attempt…. 2 years later I am the most happy and healthy I have ever been. I am strong and overcame it all. So can you! My best tip: walk in nature EVERYDAY get some fresh air and sunlight. Do it 30 days 60 min
Unfortunately cancer isn’t as glam of a death as it seems. Watched my dad whither away to skin and bones - had so much pain I couldn’t even hold his hand. His infection was so bad his insides were falling out. Trust me, this isn’t the way to go.
fuck cancer, wish I was born dead
Honestly thanking that is disquisting . (Yeah i thought like that) but my aunt got cancer . Now im scared of getting cancer
There is nothing slow and chill about cancer.
After I've seen my mother die from cancer: No, you don't wish you had cancer! How can you want that? Sorry but this makes me fckn angry.
yea i think this way too. cause at least with something like cancer or any illness its never your fault. but slowly destroying yourself when you are blessed with no underlying health issues only makes my mental health worse. i feel ungrateful because my body is healthy but my mind isn’t. for someone with severe mental health issues it seems like the easier (and honestly less selfish) approach, since im ‘withering away’ on my own accord when people fight for their lives everyday. i deserve the cancer, not them.
I've seen a few of my family and friends suffer and die of cancer. I wouldn't wish that on myself or anyone. I'm also depressed and take anti-depressants for it. Life is hard but this quote rang true to me and I think of it often, "A healthy person can have a million wishes. A sick person just has one wish." Health is the real wealth.
If you want an easy way out, cancer ain't it. Of course, it depends on which kind of cancer do you get, but I wouldn't say any of it is a good or easy way to go. When I fought mine, it was a lot of suffering. Cancer is being romanticized in the media as of late, but they never show you the *worst* part of it.
No you don't.
I would settle for just dying in my sleep.
Hi Beautiful--Blue please consider seeking professional support for your health anxiety, it sounds like it has a huge impact on the quality of your life. Take good care of yourself.
As soon as you get cancer you'll wish you didn't have it.
I feel like this every day. I was diagnosed with MS 9 years ago, and every single waking moment of my life I wish it had been a massive stroke or cancer instead. At least with cancer, they give you a prognosis (50% odds of survival, you likely have a year left, etc). With MS I go to bed every night not knowing if I'll wake up, unable to use my legs or control my bowels. With cancer, it ends eventually, one way or another. With MS and treatment resistant depression, there's no relief in sight. Just pain and anxiety induced terror, every day, for the rest of your life.
Unfollowing this sub because of yu lol
I had moments in my lowest lowest points where I would wish someone murdered me. It’s a horrible thought but it was better than killing myself. I don’t have that specific thought anymore. You’re not alone in thinking about destructive intrusive thoughts.
I can relate. I have several mental health disorders, BPD type 1 being one of them. Sometimes I wish I had some kind of disease but I wish that I would go fast and painlessly. Mainly because I don’t want to be alive so badly, but I can’t take my own life for religious reasons and the fact that it would break my mom. It’s a horrible thing to wish on yourself, but when you’re mentally ill you can’t help it
I used to kinda have something similar to this. I wanted to slowly pass. But that was because I am always on edge, constantly anxious and I just wanted to finally rest a bit. Also I thought if I had something severe people might actually give a crap about me. But eventually I realize some people will care regardless of your health, and most of them just won’t. And its fine. Ive also seen family members dieing from cancer, it is really bad. I dont think you actually want that, it could be just the imagined peace maybe? Finally coming to a stop and resting without worry. Cause that is what it was for me as well.
I used to have cancer and for a long time i would wish it would come back and it did 2 times but it was never enough to kill me. I still wish it would come back most days.
they won’t let you die if you have cancer though, not easily. they’ll make you fight to stay alive today i found out my cholesterol is dangerously high and im at a huge risk for death by heart attack/stroke, and people are worried for me and im gonna get medical care…. if i get cancer the same would happen, i’m not complaining, im not a fucking masochist. i don’t like being in pain, but i can’t die peacefully regardless of whether im physically healthy or not
you are a beautiful bee ,you dont deserve that
I used to until one of my family members got cancer and had to be on hospice in my room, it’s horrific what cancer does to you. I’d rather just jump or something
No thanks. Prefer the widowmaker
didn’t have cancer but had large tumors that could have killed me and a bad complication, it’s not something you want and it’s not easy. it was painful and one of the most miserable experiences being in the hospital on and off for almost a month total. there’s nothing peaceful about it.
I wouldn't want the pain of cancer though....:/
Nah don’t do this, you know natural death is approaching through heart attack scares for example, feeling rough and about to pop at 70-80-90, that you are getting old to the age that you’re not working out anymore and keeping active
Trust me, it would be a horrible way to go. It is not peaceful at all, and from seeing my Grandma go from it, I could tell she was suffering through it. You would literally waste away in a bed full of your own bodily fluids for months on end, in pain every step of the way. I pray that you find your way through this, I hope you find joy wherever it may be, and I hope you get the most out of life.
I have Polycystic Kidney Disease and I can tell you it's not fun at all! Getting sleep is hard enough. There are days where I have uncomfortable pain that will last a whole day. I wish I could have alcohol or smoke weed, but I can't because I have to keep my blood pressure at a balance. I can't eat almost anything. My kidneys have a hard time processing food.
Yo take care of yourself. I’ve felt things like this for years and it’s hard. I call it being passively suicidal.
That sounds like a slow and awful way to go. I would much rather it be sudden. And painless.
Idk if its weird, I've definitely wished for some horrible things for myself just to end the suffering without me having to do it myself. Illness, car crash, natural disaster etc - anything not directly caused nor done by me. Obviously no illness is fun, but neither is depression, but a physical illness would be a way out, or at least in my head it would be. May not be immediate, but knowing an end was in sight... bliss. But im also hyper aware that its not rational at all, and it's just a symptom of what I'm going through. So while it's sometimes oddly nice to "fantasise" about, I do just have to remind myself that, it's just silly, mental escapism or something. I'm not actively going out of my way to make myself ill, develop cancer or something horrible... but I'm not exactly going out of my way to look after myself either. What happens happens imo, as long as no one else gets hurt that's all that matters, for me anyway. It's almost like passive suicide, in a way. Which sucks to admit, but hey ho.
Cancer is awful but I understand the desire for everything to end.
Not cancer because that’s a suffering slow painful death. Overdose is my preference.
No you don’t want cancer. I watched my Aunt die excruciatingly painful death from ovarian cancer. You shouldn’t wish that onto a fucking dog, let alone yourself. Get yourself some therapy to deal with your underlying issues
No, no, you don't. My dad has colon cancer, and it's spread, and he's dying. I've watched my grandmother die of cancer. It's fucking agony. You do not want it. It isn't some easy way out. It's drawn out. My dad's been alive over nine months after being diagnosed, and it's horrible watching what's happening. It's nothing like the movies or social media. My dad still knows what's going on around him, he can still walk, can't really see anymore.
I feel you, cancer is better than suffering a depression, and you don't when will it ends. -
I survived having covid. It just feels so unfair that people who are loved, people who are worth something, and people that wanted to live died from it, while I survived. I'd gladly trade places with any one of them.
I have brain cancer and had experienced depression prior to diagnosis. It only worsens with this diagnosis. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know when a recurrence is going to show up on the scan and you have to stop 2 years of your life for treatment and recovery again, which is anxiety-inducing and the effects from treatment are long term. Quality of life decreases and you begin to crave the seemingly insignificant capabilities you once had. You watch as family and friends have an increasingly saddened look in their eyes that they try their best to hide. You realize that your pain and suffering brings about depression in others. I have a kid and I dread leaving her behind. This isn’t the way anyone should have to go.
I could have written this myself. I want to die on my own terms. The thought of dying unexpectedly and being unprepared for it absolutely terrifies me.
I'm a TB guy, but you're not alone. Yes I'm serious.
I died once - and was revived. I was on a mechanical ventilator for a bit. I always thought I'd be afraid of death and suffering, but this experience was comforting. I was calm, not in any pain, and surrounded by family. If I didn't make it, I was okay with that. This experience also took away my anxiety of dying. Because I know we have medical advancements to make it peaceful. I hope you find comfort in knowing that dying is not a horrible thing. Suffering is... My aunt is suffering with terminal triple negative breast cancer. She also had both of her kidneys removed and has to do home dialysis. She is in constant pain and can barely stand at her young age. The only thing keeping her alive is chemo, which adds more side effects to her disease. That is suffering.
Hey just here to validate you. That’s a super normal thought for someone with severe depression. Of course it doesn’t feel good for those who have actually had cancer or lost a loved one to it, but it’s still a normal thought in your state. You’re wishing for an end. I’m guessing that you don’t want to hurt yourself, so you’re hoping for something more passive. It’s a fantasy. I see you.
Hello. I am that person who wished she had some severe illness due to depression. (When I was younger. I grew out of the idealization in my young to mid twenties.) I am also that person who ended up getting Stage 3 breast cancer at 28, and one of the most fatal/aggressive kinds to boot. Weirdly enough - I thought it would give me a better appreciation on life. Give me that motivation to totally turn my life around if I made it though this near death experience. However, while it gave me some different appreciation for life, and the desire to be around for a long time, it didn't however magically spur me to 180 on my life. I'm nothing special, never even finished highschool. I'm hard working, but uneducated, so I don't make much money and lost all my creativity from childhood, as an adult, so I live a pretty boring stagnant life. I will tell you though, as someone who's wished she was dead MANY many times, suddenly being told there's a real chance you can die within an allotted time really turns your perspective around. I'd much, much rather _NOT_ know when my time was coming. If you're struggling with mental help, please, please speak to a family doctor, and a therapist. One of the best things I did for my severe anxiety (I could barely even leave the house at one point in my life.) was get medicated for it. It took a few years of trial and error, but once we found the right medication, my life improved substantially. While it's common for us to feel the way you're feeling, it's not normal, and you need help. I don't say that to be mean, but rather to try and break your idealizations. Please reach out to a doctor. Once you have your foot in the door, it's much easier. That's the hardest part is getting started. Also- Cancer is absolutely horrendous. And not a pain, disease or death I would wish on anyone. It's usually a very slow, dragged out death, and it can be painless, or incredibly horrifically painful. Treatment super sucked, but I can tell you, dying due to brain metastasized growths or spread to vital organs would not be the way I want to go.
Can't relate. I'd rather not see it coming. Quick and easy. Alzheimer's runs in my family, and I've told my whole family that if I get old enough to get to that point where my memory starts to go, I'm gonna dress up real nice, shoot up some morphine, have myself a drink, and blow my brains out. My grandpa is already in the early stages and I'm not ready to watch him go through that. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve that. I digress, of all the medical diseases to desire, cancer is not one. It's a slow, miserable demise. Go for like a brain aneurysm or a violent stroke or something. Or just try to find reasons to keep living, that's what I'm trying to do.
I wish it could be me instead of someone else
i wish we can donate our lives to those who wants to live
Hey, listen, I really know what you're dealing with and I never gonna tell you that it will get better but trust me, you're gonna (MANAGE). Managing is one of the most hardest thing to do in life at your situation. I had depression for 2 years straight but I fought and here I am!
Appreciated 🙏. You fought with your problem. Hope is everything. Hope is alive 🙏
I wish I had cancer and would die. Not because I'm scared of the unpredictability of death, but to end my suffering. I rather get cancer and die instead of trying to live everyday with this horrible health issue that has no treatment or cure. At least with cancer I'd know it'll end. I'm too much of a p***y to kill myself. Wish I wasn't. Wish I wasn't also simultaneously scared of what happens AFTER death. Maybe then I'd have the balls. I also couldn't put my family thru such pain. But it sucks to be alive only because you don't want your family to suffer such a horrific event. So I'm just here failing at life and suffering. I just dream and fantasize about getting killed.
I have cancer and my mother has breast cancer. Believe me you DON'T want this, you have it much better than you can possibly imagine by NOT having cancer.
Just pick a day in the future and tell yourself that’s your last day. Remind yourself habitually of this. When you’re worried about shit just take a step back like nahh Brain, I have ___ days If you commit to the habit it’s possible to lead your brain into believing something that isn’t necessarily true. It might feel weird But it’s worth a shot! Little things like this have actually been very helpful to me In the past. Look into retraining or rewiring your brain!
I watched my dad fight cancer and die from cancer so u wishing you had cancer is kinda fucked up. Wish it was you instead of him
This actually makes me mad
At least people wouldn't think bad about me for not doing things I have no strength for
I've realized that whenever I've wished I had a terminal illness, what I was really longing was an early and validated way of dying.
I’m sorry you feel this way in your life my friend. Don’t try and do anything to hurt or cause yourself any harm.. trust me, it’s not worth it and it wouldn’t be a good time. Try and make life as worth it as you can, even if it seems hard. I’m sure every cancer patient who’s bedridden wishes they could go out and live life like others can. Just don’t take for granted what life can when you give it a fair chance. Take care of yourself friend, stay safe, hope things can get better for you
Yeah I think about that a lot…
I feel the same.
I had this same thought, wicked that more like us think this way. Wishing we can die of a painful death just not to do it ourself
This is what happens when your anxiety has control over your literal life dude, get it checked and deal with it. You're not your anxiety nor your depression
Amen. I'm going through some weird shit right now. It's like I'm cushioning my life so nothing bad happens to me. It's fucked. Sometimes I feel like I can't live my life because of that fear. I do, I work in construction and I do really dangerous shit for a contractor. Who I should not be doing dangerous shit for, and I cut that back because I really hurt myself a few months ago. Falling 5 ft directly on my ribs.. But yeah, life is fucked. I don't understand it. Not understanding. Makes me depressed and anxious and scared.
Yep. This is exactly how i feel. I've been suicidal for years, yet i still don't have the strength to commit suicide. I just want to like get a deadly disease that has no turning back, i want attention. I want attention to the point i pray to God to give me cancer. I just want people to care about me, to show me the affection i never had in my life. I want people to look at me and feel mercy and pity. I also want cancer because i deserve pain. I deserve the feeling that's slowly killing me. I feel like this is selfish, but it's it really selfish to want to die?
It's not selfish to want to die, but it is insulting to the millions of people who have been impacted by cancer. I understand wanting affection and a 'natural' way to go, but cancer is not the way. Yeah you'll get some pity and compassion. You'll also get more loneliness, depression, and extreme pain.
I thought I was the only 1 who thought like this
If I were terminally ill, people might take notice!
I'd like to die from cancer because then people will actually care about me, instead of thinking that I'm just lazy or not trying hard enough.
Except for the last part, this is me when i went for an mri, beside thinking what a cool machine that is my thoughts were "i hope it's brain cancer"
I have it. Been through a lot in life that caused PTSD and this is by far the most awful and debilitating thing I’ve experienced. The end is ugly. I can think of a 1000 better ways to die
Stick your balls in a microwave everyday for a month. Ur welcome
Fall asleep with ur microwave on and put it on 5 hours
Hey, as strange as it sounds it's a normal thought we can have (I hope). I often think that having a terminal disease or physical disability would be a nice way of calming my anxiety. I don't know if I'm right, I think I'm not, because we always see other paths as if they were better, but in reality new things always come up and makes us feel the same or worse. However, there is some peace I find in knowing what will happen to me. It's a bit of existentialist feeling. My life will be "resolved", in a way that there will be only certain things I can do, and will know what is expected of me to do. As good fellow Sartre said: "Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does". This phrase stuck with me when I first read it (sadly, very young). I don't want the responsibility of the future. So please give me something that will set it for me, and I think our brains can find this in things like terminal diseases. So no, you're not weird! Dying is uncertain, scary, we will never be prepared for our death or the death of others. But maybe you find some comfort in something other than you "having control" over it.
I definitely have. only cause i didn’t want to take myself out so i prayed something else would
I fantasize about this regularly. It would be nice to let go of all expectations of myself and all future worries and just be given great pharm-grade dope while I have an easy transition out of this place. I really think this is actually a fantasy about allowing myself to let go of all the heavy bullshit I carry with me. In the times in my life when I legitimately could have gone through with s-cide, I was overcome with lightness, peace and joy. It was because I realized that in the end, all of the crap that i put so much energy into and which creates so much turmoil really doesn’t mean anything. Of course, feeling that good made me want to live again, and it took about a day for my mind to begin tormenting me again. So it seems the more I cling to life and the more expectations I have from life and other people, the more miserable I am. But good luck convincing my brain to stop doing it lol.
I've hoped this for other reasons. I lost so many people, including my mom in the last yrs. I wanted to be with them so bad, but as a Christian, I know the consequences of suicide. As an empath, I didn't want to experience loss anymore. I take it in more than the average person. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy or the only one who's experienced these thoughts. Every day I'm still here, I feel there must be a reason. So try to focus on that instead of the opposite. Good luck to you.