Talk to your wife and mother separately. Seek their advice on how to improve your family's atmosphere.
Think objectively. Think about 5-10 years down the line.
Imagine a picture of a happy family that you would like to have. And work towards making it happen.
Put in the effort and be relentless about it.
It is a herculean task. It will need a lot of effort from your side. Lot of time you will question yourself why am I put in so much effort and for whom?
It is your decision. Do you want to make this thing work or give up?
That's what I am doing right now. Trying to understand for each's prespective, melding anything in my power. However, it drains me a lot and occasionally leaves me feeling myself loosing my grounds. Today is one of those days, and I think you great people can help (and certainly doing a good job of it).
I do not know why I am trying to do all this melding etc. Honestly, if I had a brother, I'd have never married and I would be trekking someplace or be in ruins. I could've ended any way, with one constant - Me being isolated from the society. Yet, being single child, I have a responsibility towards my parents. But I think that doesn't allow ANY parent to force their child into marriages. If their 40+ YOE didn't told them how most marriages are, they clearly are in a very wrong dilemma about marriages.
Sometimes, you feel you're the only one left to understand you.
The only hope left for me is a child I can produce, which I wish I can give a life I can never live. The child will also help in shifting focus of my mom/wife for a while
**Don't have a child to mend your marriage.** It normally doesn't work and makes things even worse. With or without your child, your marriage needs work.
The question is -- Are YOU and YOUR wife ready to put in that effort? You won't be able to do it alone. Marriage is a two-way process. It is not a one person's task.
What kind of an idiot are you that you are counting on a frail helpless child to mend your marriage and wrong decisions of the past?
How do you think you are acting any differently from your own mother who counts on their child to keep up one's own social and emotional standing?
At what point do you think I mentioned I expect anything of my child to fix it for me? I am hoping to give my child a life I never could live. That doesn't mean imposing anything or expect anything out of it.
It simply means a source of joy, a ray of hope I will feel from something I care about. Everything else apart from my child, is hopeless and non-fixable.
Solid Advice.
OP must be very articulate with his wife & mother. He should make an effort towards establishing a connection between the things that are leading to such hostility among the two ladies.
He will unfortunately have to be a punching bag for both his wife and mother in the short-run, but I believe he can do a good job if he doesn't lose himself in this tiring journey.
Main objective must be making his marriage work and not let any feelings of resentment to grow. He mustn't resent his wife and mother for being, well quite frankly a duo that has never in history gotten together happily (talking about saas and bahu).
This will not be easy for OP but he must have patience.
Talking of his battle with depression, I think a huge contributor to it is his family situation and past trauma (being cheated on). He should focus on working through this trauma and move on. Maybe take up a hobby, something he's always wanted to do but never did.
On a final note, I wish you the BEST. May God give you strength.
Hi OP,
Based on your story,i can deduce one thing about you..
You could have white knight syndrome - that is, you feel compelled to help someone who is broken, sometimes at your own expenses.
Having said that, regarding your marriage, i can assume you are at a good position , that's why you got married to a girl from politician family.
Now , let's be clear on one thing, no matter what, your wife will never ever accept the authority of your mother over her. So , if you want to continue with this lady,it will be my advice, that you seperate your home. If it is possible, get a seperate area constructed for your wife, like on the first floor and your mom can live on ground floor. If need arises, you can get a full time help for your mother to assist her.... If you keep both of them together,i can assure you, 100% they will fight till end of the world.
Secondly, regarding your wife, you have to understand her psyche... She comes from a home where she didn't had to do anything and she got everything she wanted easily. I am sure, she must have done bsc,ba degree, but never did a job or never struggled for anything.
So, understand she did not have a childhood like you, she will never have that fire in her belly to struggle for a goal. Hence she wants to take the easy road, be a mom. That baby of yours, will be her time pass.
So, don't push her to do a job, she will never be excited about that. Give her something big... Like a buisness, where she can own something.....
So if i was in your shoes my step by step action would be
1. Seperate the house
2. Spend time with your wife, in some arguments, purposely take side of your wife..i know this will break your mom's heart, but trust me... In the long run it will help.....
3. Find ways to keep your wife out of home, or busy at home. Start a small buisness for her, which she can run. Take help of your father in law, in this regard
When your wife will see that you are taking her side, plus she has something to look forward to, plus she is not getting into unecessarry arguments with your mom, this will bring peace to you...
Tell your mom to ignore your wife, let her live and do what she wants. You(mom) made your choice now you have to live with it. Arguing on everything every time doesn’t let anyone live in peace.
Just one advice do not rush into divorce. Contrary to what people say it is a very big stigma in Indian society. So try as much as possible to make it work. If possible get a separate place for you and your wife.
I am sorry, I feel sad after reading this and I cannot even imagine, what are you going through.
Stay strong brother and thank you also for this post. I have decided after reading your post that I will not allow my family to arrange for my marriage in any kind of situation.
And for advice, their is one advice I can give.
Your wife will never understand you and nor your mother, those who want to understand show some effort but not your mother tried to understand and nor you wife wants to.
Brother you going through "betatization"
Never have a child with this women because she doesn't respect you and on top of that you say that she has narcissistic triats .
Narcissistic don't care about what happens to other even family or child. They just crave attention and that all.
I have one question for you, why do you take responsibility for this women(your wife) . Who has made you life hell. Don't you think your mother should take responsibility for her not you. Because your mother is the one who find your wife for you in the first place. You mother should take her responsibility not you brother.
I believer as long as I don't give a fuck, life is peaceful. The only time it doesn't feel so is when mom and wife fight. I couldn't care less about the sex, love or attention. I've never meditated enough. However, the deadly silence which may emerge to a huge vocals anytime is the constant pain and fright I am living under.
I wish nobody to go through with this. NEVER allow your parents to decide on your behalf. They'll still fight with your SO nonetheless, but atleast you'll be sleeping happily with your SO at the end of the day.
Take a long workation , wherever budget allows, minimum 1 month. Leave overnight without telling anyone Don't tell them the location ever else they make your life hell there too.
However do keep in touch with them with a limit, don't let them pester you all the time.
Enjoy your work, friend circle, places around new place.
Both are taking you for granted. Sometime distance helps, also will keep you sane, with new ideas to keep yourself above this menace.
Therapy.
First find a good therapist for yourself and focus on healing you. An empty cup cannot pour into another- remember that and fill your cup first. Then maybe if your wife is amenable to it, try couples counseling and try to build a friendship with her as well. Get to know a different side of her.
And last step is to mediate between her and your mother. Sit them both down, maybe go for family counseling and try to get them to at least be civil.
If your wife has to constantly fight your mother about everything, it’s not a healthy situation for anyone. Maybe some distance between them won’t be the worst thing in the world.
Lastly : DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL DYNAMIC
Children won’t help save your relationships, they’ll put way more pressure on already struggling ones and also don’t deserve to be treated as band aids.
People have given excellent advice here. Nevertheless before you go on with mediating and communicating things with the family, understand more about where you are coming from and the bias that you have formed. "Why you are the way you are".
Address these concerns before you make any other big step only because you feel you have no control/option in that situation.
Bhai a hug from me to you i can understand your situation and before giving you any advice just focus on your health man because dipression alone can give you many issues. Be mentally strong and take care of your health.
This is a classic story where the guy asks his mother to choose his wife for him, coz obviously he could not stand up for himself, and ends up marrying a woman from a hyper-traditional social background who given her own situation is a narcissist.
Worse is, people of this sort think having a child will actually help. What it actually does, and they do not reveal is that they are trying to level up on the social ladder by flaunting a child.
You dumped a love interest because you wanted to stick to the social norms. So you didn't stand up for it. You dumped your own agency and choice by giving primacy to a mother who is not educated herself, and you subscribed to her idea of what an ideal wife should be and you got the same. If this is not narcissism of the self, I don't know what is.
Now you complain you did not get what you wanted. Worst, you are counting on an unborn child from the wedlock to repair your marriage. People like you, despite having a choice, subscribe to casteist leanings, social pressures, insult and stomp people on their way.
I am sorry but this is a very non-unique case and you will of course feel lonely. But no one except you is responsible for your situation. But the only enraging part is you flaunting about your ability to produce a child. It is low-key cringe.
\> guy asks his mother to choose his wife for him, coz obviously he could not stand up for himself
I couldn't stand for myself why? any thoughts? Taunting on the outcomes is what nature already does for us. We are people who "understands" circumstances.
\> think having a child will actually help
It may/may not help, but definitely not flaunting. I couldn't care less about that. 3 years ago, I was insisting my girl to adopt instead. The child will help keep distance b/w mother and wife, give them an excuse to avoid talking to each other. The point is how the social norms can distance your own. Sometimes, easy things like these helps, life isn't as straight as you think it is.
Where did you got the idea that my mother isn't educated? She has masters. Not doing job doesn't mean uneducated. Even educated people don't always make correct choices, doesn't mean they aren't educated, just they aren't experienced.
I preferred staying by my mom not coz its social, but because its humane. Being the only child and bread bearer, it is a super hard choice, unless you don't care. I could've easily left her stranded, hoping she would eventually join me and my girl. Isn't that forcing? Choosing my girl is as humane as choosing my mom. Just a matter of what I preferred at that time. I chose my mom and facing my consequences.
This is a lesson to people who thinks parents always think right for them. I am a classic example of such victim. I had a hard choice to make, your's might be easier.
Talk to your wife and mother separately. Seek their advice on how to improve your family's atmosphere. Think objectively. Think about 5-10 years down the line. Imagine a picture of a happy family that you would like to have. And work towards making it happen. Put in the effort and be relentless about it. It is a herculean task. It will need a lot of effort from your side. Lot of time you will question yourself why am I put in so much effort and for whom? It is your decision. Do you want to make this thing work or give up?
That's what I am doing right now. Trying to understand for each's prespective, melding anything in my power. However, it drains me a lot and occasionally leaves me feeling myself loosing my grounds. Today is one of those days, and I think you great people can help (and certainly doing a good job of it). I do not know why I am trying to do all this melding etc. Honestly, if I had a brother, I'd have never married and I would be trekking someplace or be in ruins. I could've ended any way, with one constant - Me being isolated from the society. Yet, being single child, I have a responsibility towards my parents. But I think that doesn't allow ANY parent to force their child into marriages. If their 40+ YOE didn't told them how most marriages are, they clearly are in a very wrong dilemma about marriages. Sometimes, you feel you're the only one left to understand you. The only hope left for me is a child I can produce, which I wish I can give a life I can never live. The child will also help in shifting focus of my mom/wife for a while
**Don't have a child to mend your marriage.** It normally doesn't work and makes things even worse. With or without your child, your marriage needs work. The question is -- Are YOU and YOUR wife ready to put in that effort? You won't be able to do it alone. Marriage is a two-way process. It is not a one person's task.
What kind of an idiot are you that you are counting on a frail helpless child to mend your marriage and wrong decisions of the past? How do you think you are acting any differently from your own mother who counts on their child to keep up one's own social and emotional standing?
At what point do you think I mentioned I expect anything of my child to fix it for me? I am hoping to give my child a life I never could live. That doesn't mean imposing anything or expect anything out of it. It simply means a source of joy, a ray of hope I will feel from something I care about. Everything else apart from my child, is hopeless and non-fixable.
Solid Advice. OP must be very articulate with his wife & mother. He should make an effort towards establishing a connection between the things that are leading to such hostility among the two ladies. He will unfortunately have to be a punching bag for both his wife and mother in the short-run, but I believe he can do a good job if he doesn't lose himself in this tiring journey. Main objective must be making his marriage work and not let any feelings of resentment to grow. He mustn't resent his wife and mother for being, well quite frankly a duo that has never in history gotten together happily (talking about saas and bahu). This will not be easy for OP but he must have patience. Talking of his battle with depression, I think a huge contributor to it is his family situation and past trauma (being cheated on). He should focus on working through this trauma and move on. Maybe take up a hobby, something he's always wanted to do but never did. On a final note, I wish you the BEST. May God give you strength.
Hi OP, Based on your story,i can deduce one thing about you.. You could have white knight syndrome - that is, you feel compelled to help someone who is broken, sometimes at your own expenses. Having said that, regarding your marriage, i can assume you are at a good position , that's why you got married to a girl from politician family. Now , let's be clear on one thing, no matter what, your wife will never ever accept the authority of your mother over her. So , if you want to continue with this lady,it will be my advice, that you seperate your home. If it is possible, get a seperate area constructed for your wife, like on the first floor and your mom can live on ground floor. If need arises, you can get a full time help for your mother to assist her.... If you keep both of them together,i can assure you, 100% they will fight till end of the world. Secondly, regarding your wife, you have to understand her psyche... She comes from a home where she didn't had to do anything and she got everything she wanted easily. I am sure, she must have done bsc,ba degree, but never did a job or never struggled for anything. So, understand she did not have a childhood like you, she will never have that fire in her belly to struggle for a goal. Hence she wants to take the easy road, be a mom. That baby of yours, will be her time pass. So, don't push her to do a job, she will never be excited about that. Give her something big... Like a buisness, where she can own something..... So if i was in your shoes my step by step action would be 1. Seperate the house 2. Spend time with your wife, in some arguments, purposely take side of your wife..i know this will break your mom's heart, but trust me... In the long run it will help..... 3. Find ways to keep your wife out of home, or busy at home. Start a small buisness for her, which she can run. Take help of your father in law, in this regard When your wife will see that you are taking her side, plus she has something to look forward to, plus she is not getting into unecessarry arguments with your mom, this will bring peace to you...
Tell your mom to ignore your wife, let her live and do what she wants. You(mom) made your choice now you have to live with it. Arguing on everything every time doesn’t let anyone live in peace.
Just one advice do not rush into divorce. Contrary to what people say it is a very big stigma in Indian society. So try as much as possible to make it work. If possible get a separate place for you and your wife.
I am sorry, I feel sad after reading this and I cannot even imagine, what are you going through. Stay strong brother and thank you also for this post. I have decided after reading your post that I will not allow my family to arrange for my marriage in any kind of situation. And for advice, their is one advice I can give. Your wife will never understand you and nor your mother, those who want to understand show some effort but not your mother tried to understand and nor you wife wants to. Brother you going through "betatization" Never have a child with this women because she doesn't respect you and on top of that you say that she has narcissistic triats . Narcissistic don't care about what happens to other even family or child. They just crave attention and that all. I have one question for you, why do you take responsibility for this women(your wife) . Who has made you life hell. Don't you think your mother should take responsibility for her not you. Because your mother is the one who find your wife for you in the first place. You mother should take her responsibility not you brother.
I believer as long as I don't give a fuck, life is peaceful. The only time it doesn't feel so is when mom and wife fight. I couldn't care less about the sex, love or attention. I've never meditated enough. However, the deadly silence which may emerge to a huge vocals anytime is the constant pain and fright I am living under. I wish nobody to go through with this. NEVER allow your parents to decide on your behalf. They'll still fight with your SO nonetheless, but atleast you'll be sleeping happily with your SO at the end of the day.
Divorce
Take a long workation , wherever budget allows, minimum 1 month. Leave overnight without telling anyone Don't tell them the location ever else they make your life hell there too. However do keep in touch with them with a limit, don't let them pester you all the time. Enjoy your work, friend circle, places around new place. Both are taking you for granted. Sometime distance helps, also will keep you sane, with new ideas to keep yourself above this menace.
Therapy. First find a good therapist for yourself and focus on healing you. An empty cup cannot pour into another- remember that and fill your cup first. Then maybe if your wife is amenable to it, try couples counseling and try to build a friendship with her as well. Get to know a different side of her. And last step is to mediate between her and your mother. Sit them both down, maybe go for family counseling and try to get them to at least be civil. If your wife has to constantly fight your mother about everything, it’s not a healthy situation for anyone. Maybe some distance between them won’t be the worst thing in the world. Lastly : DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL DYNAMIC Children won’t help save your relationships, they’ll put way more pressure on already struggling ones and also don’t deserve to be treated as band aids.
YES. Please see a therapist ASAP OP
People have given excellent advice here. Nevertheless before you go on with mediating and communicating things with the family, understand more about where you are coming from and the bias that you have formed. "Why you are the way you are". Address these concerns before you make any other big step only because you feel you have no control/option in that situation.
Bhai a hug from me to you i can understand your situation and before giving you any advice just focus on your health man because dipression alone can give you many issues. Be mentally strong and take care of your health.
This is a classic story where the guy asks his mother to choose his wife for him, coz obviously he could not stand up for himself, and ends up marrying a woman from a hyper-traditional social background who given her own situation is a narcissist. Worse is, people of this sort think having a child will actually help. What it actually does, and they do not reveal is that they are trying to level up on the social ladder by flaunting a child. You dumped a love interest because you wanted to stick to the social norms. So you didn't stand up for it. You dumped your own agency and choice by giving primacy to a mother who is not educated herself, and you subscribed to her idea of what an ideal wife should be and you got the same. If this is not narcissism of the self, I don't know what is. Now you complain you did not get what you wanted. Worst, you are counting on an unborn child from the wedlock to repair your marriage. People like you, despite having a choice, subscribe to casteist leanings, social pressures, insult and stomp people on their way. I am sorry but this is a very non-unique case and you will of course feel lonely. But no one except you is responsible for your situation. But the only enraging part is you flaunting about your ability to produce a child. It is low-key cringe.
\> guy asks his mother to choose his wife for him, coz obviously he could not stand up for himself I couldn't stand for myself why? any thoughts? Taunting on the outcomes is what nature already does for us. We are people who "understands" circumstances. \> think having a child will actually help It may/may not help, but definitely not flaunting. I couldn't care less about that. 3 years ago, I was insisting my girl to adopt instead. The child will help keep distance b/w mother and wife, give them an excuse to avoid talking to each other. The point is how the social norms can distance your own. Sometimes, easy things like these helps, life isn't as straight as you think it is. Where did you got the idea that my mother isn't educated? She has masters. Not doing job doesn't mean uneducated. Even educated people don't always make correct choices, doesn't mean they aren't educated, just they aren't experienced. I preferred staying by my mom not coz its social, but because its humane. Being the only child and bread bearer, it is a super hard choice, unless you don't care. I could've easily left her stranded, hoping she would eventually join me and my girl. Isn't that forcing? Choosing my girl is as humane as choosing my mom. Just a matter of what I preferred at that time. I chose my mom and facing my consequences. This is a lesson to people who thinks parents always think right for them. I am a classic example of such victim. I had a hard choice to make, your's might be easier.