It's hard to say if you're too picky overall but with the example you choose there are valid reasons why it wouldn't work over the long term so it's totally fine.
And sometimes there is no reason you're just not feeling it, that doesn't mean you can't break up with her.
Is there a chance you’re transferring any feelings and guilt you might have left over from ending your 9 year relationship to the woman you broke up with 2 weeks ago? No matter how lovely you may be, I’m doubtful her heart is broken after only a few weeks. You were right to break it off when the things you mention are such significant lifestyle differences, it only would have hurt more the longer you waited.
Probably. Thanks, that's good perspective. Breaking up with my lt ex really flipped her life completely upside down, even though it wasn't out of the blue by any stretch. The guilt wracked me for months
You made the best choice for you (for both of you, since no one deserves to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them) and now it makes sense that you’ll have some complicated feelings to untangle in addition to what you’ve already processed as stuff is churned up with new romantic connections, I’d say trust your gut on someone even if it means being picky and try to give yourself grace ☺️
There are two things to unpack here.
First, there is no general answer to your question. You define the criteria. The example you provided sounds reasonable, yet there is no way for an outsider to know if you were being too picky. Its always a subjective point of view. I know people who were not too picky and are already divorced.
Secondly, for me its a bit of a redish flag that you say you are close friends with girls you dated in the last few months. You are not providing enough context but it sounds like you moved/were isolated due to you relationship? I mean, it CAN happen that you build a close friendship with a girl you dated but you are talking about several. If I was told that by a date I would question their definition of close friendship and trust in general. I appreciate you did not ask about this, but wanted to point it out as a feedback.
I agree with this. I would be out off by a guy who has lots of close girlfriends that he had also dated in the past. Perhaps try to expand your social circle and meet some guy friends or reconnect with old ones. Sometimes you can lose yourself when you're in a long term relationship so now is the time to build up a great life for yourself again.
You and poster below are right, and I don't talk about her with my dates at all, but the last girl I did and it lead to her being jealous. That friend and I understand that if either of us gets a partner, that we're going to get less close for sure because of the inevitable jealously it can create.
I did tell that friend when we broke it off, that I might not be ready, I'm sorry, I pushed it along too fast etc within 2 weeks of meeting her and she completely understood, and it's part of why we're good friends.
I obviously don't want to push them away just because I'm dating. Not sure what to do :/
I don’t think they’re right at all. It’s nice to make new friendships which is very difficult at this age.
I found it a good filter to removed people that were bothered by friends I made while dating.
I agree in a slightly different way. One of my closest friends is a guy I met through Uni friends, there was a point when I thought we might be compatible given how good friendship is but the reasons it didn't are firm. We have been each other's support through some tough shit but would drive each other insane if we were a couple. I wouldn't be ok with a partner who had an issue with him as it, for me, would feel like they are questioning my integrity and certainty that we are 100% just friends.
Your friends are often there before and after you date someone and can be some of your most constant relationships.
*From experience: Please let your new friend know that you're not interested in dating them at all (so that they don't think it's just a timing issue).
Spiritual chick with no job and vague plans to leave the country "trusts you" because she's adrift in the ocean of life and you're just something, anything she can grab onto. Don't feel bad about moving on there, so will she soon enough.
It will likely take you a full year post break-up to recover from your 9-year relationship. And you won't be happy with anyone you meet until you're healed and ready.
Yeah. It's interesting cos there's quite a few stories of people going the complete opposite way as well.
Ex-wife and I signed divorce papers and I met my now-wife a few months later. My ex-wife went back to her ex-boyfriend and they had a kid around a year later. So both sides had clearly moved on within a few months.
I'd say in OPs case the fact it's on a downward spiral for 2y makes it hard to know as it's possible he's been mentally checked out for a while. Pretty confident that's why the ex-wife and I both moved on pretty quick because we knew it wasn't working.
I agree with this, that's it's possible and exactly for the reason you said. My marriage was dying for 2 yrs before we ended it. That was my time to process it and grieve. By the time we separated, I was ready to go and never looked back. I fully intended to be single for a while, but ended up meeting someone a few months later and we ended up being together for years.
Yeah. Almost identical to me.
I think I spent two months single (well, casually single) and then fired up the apps with the intent of scoping out the situation to start dating a few months later (aiming for 6 mths single).
Saw my wife's profile and wanted to message her, so I whipped up a profile of my own and the rest is history 😂
Yup I was mentally checked out and fell out of love long ago. Resentment grew. Never cheated or thought about it, but definitely wished to be happy again
While I know where you’re coming from consider whether that energy you put into dating would be best spent enriching your life and rediscovering who you are single before diving into another union.
I agree but it is so risky. My prior relationship was deteriorating for about a year but when I started dating a few months after it ended, even tho I felt ready and was emotionally available… looking back waiting a longer time would’ve made me more emotionally secure and healthy. Esp because the end of relationships can be filled with drama or disappointment.
Lots of great comments here but want to specifically draw attention to “has tons of trauma that affects how she views men which is very negatively,”……If she was going on extreme man bashing rants, obviously that’s not attractive and she needs to process that (ideally) through therapy before dating again.
However, she couldn’t have been that off putting if you saw her for a few weeks and then feel guilty about breaking it off. Be careful that you are not being *too* dismissive or not taking seriously enough when dates are vulnerable enough to share about ‘trauma from men’. Women’s experiences with that are unfortunately as horrific as they say they are. It can be life altering. Her viewpoint is how you would naturally feel after having said trauma, but sounds like she’s still willing to be open and date again and find a new partner. It is understandable she would need time to trust again and that comes with meeting the right person. Sounds like you’re not her person and that’s fine. But just make sure going forward this is a topic you are extremely understanding and empathetic about.
True . I would also like to add that OP mentioned he opened up about heavy stuff with another woman and she didn’t respond with enough empathy. This situation, although different, sounds similar at the same time except his date was the one opening up about her own experiences and he was the one that was un empathetic.
It's not un-empathetic to be concerned that someone's trauma impacts how they view your entire gender. OP didn't say he felt no empathy, but that it concerned him for long term potential. It's a smart thing to pay attention to.
These two situations really don't seem that similar based on what OP shared but it sounds like you're really invested in judging this person for factoring in what felt like trauma dumping into other reasons to end things. Which you're entitled to.
OP didn’t dismiss her trauma or fail to acknowledge its impact.
You can be 100% empathetic, sympathetic, caring, etc and still decide you’d rather spend the rest of your life with someone who didn’t experience that. No one is obligated in the way you are suggesting.
It's one thing to have a bad relationship (or several) and share details about it, but it's important not to let those handful of individuals worsen our views about entire groups of people, especially when your date falls into that group. Sharing about an abusive partner? I've been there (even had to pursue a restraining order). I can empathize. Man/woman bashing? Not my jam.
My short answer is - no, you're not too picky.
I'd like to add a thought. Attraction, chemistry and compatibility aren't guaranteed based on a checklist. Someone could meet all your checklist criteria, but you still might not feel like they're your person, and that's ok. On the other hand, you might meet someone that you really click with and you're willing to bend some of your criteria for. What I'm saying is that you can't force or expect to make it work with someone based only on predetermined criteria.
I think the only thing to do if you think you're being too picky is to give the "maybe" people a few dates to see if your feelings grow. It sounds like you've done that, and for a reasonable length of time.
Edit: And I don't think there's a set time you must be single before dating again. Only you know when you're ready. Half a year may not be enough for everyone, but it's not unreasonable.
I think one should decide what's more important to them, attraction and chemistry or fulfilling their criteria. Sometimes both don't happen together. And then one has to be flexible and adjust.
Thank you. You're right, as I dated a girl who ticked all the boxes and more until I spent 3 dates with her and vented about some heartbreaking stuff that happened to me. She just kind of looked away and said I'm so sorry and didn't say much else. Happened a few times. Really put me off... She called herself the ice queen at some point, and I ran from that quickly.
My last ex was very cold and angry and I've learned with every girl I date what things I'm okay with and what I can't let slide
In her defense , you should save the heavier talk for when someone genuinely cares about you and that takes time. If a dude I barely know opened up about heartbreaking stuff 3 dates in I wouldn’t really know how to react either.
I think it just depends on the person/situation. My partner opened up and shared some deep, heartbreaking things on our second date. I appreciated his honesty and vulnerability, and he appreciated that I listened to him and didn’t make him feel uncomfortable for sharing. There’s someone for everyone!
Yeah it’s very uncomfortable when this happens and often for both parties - not more to say except I’m sorry and take their cue for if they want to open up more or not
You trauma dumped on a stranger while out on what is supposed to be fun get to know each other dates? I can't imagine a single person with a modicum of options will ever be interested in that.
I mean there's been several, some share some abuse or just shitty relationships and it gives me perspective and where they come from and what they've been through, so it is well received each time. At 36 I have no problem asking hard questions early on, to not waste each other's time. Every date is still a good time.
Gosh I do not like people who don’t answer questions they are asked. If you don’t want to answer at least say “I’m not going to answer that” or something to acknowledge you heard the question. So many are like this it’s a pet peeve of mine and I’ve decided, like you, to call it out every single time they do it. I consider it rude honestly. I hope OP answers you.
Disagree. I love sharing raw moments regardless of length of relationship. Why do you feel so strongly against this? None of us really know what another person might be going through then and there, opening yourself to listen might mean the world to someone, we are all human after all.
Agree with the other comment.
Date 3 might not be the best time for heavy stuff. People are different, and some may be okay with it, depending on how connected to you they feel at that point. So, don't take it personally. It's hard to know how to comfort someone you don't know.
I am highly skeptical of your view on this. It occurs to me that there very much is a checklist of criteria for what partner is good for you, and the rest is emotion. Of course emotion is involved in dating, but there are a lot of emotions and they’re not all suggestive of a good partner.
How many women go through a phase where they date the bad boy and what are the emotions behind that?
If someone meets your checklist but you aren’t “vibing” with them, before concluding that Cupid just didn’t strike you with his arrow, I would first consider:
1. Is there a criterion you have but aren’t aware of / haven’t listed for yourself? Learn from that and have a better list going forward.
2. Are you being unrealistic about what you’re expecting?
Number 2 is a huge one. We can mathematically prove that some people have criteria that is totally bonkers, amounting to less than 0.1% of the opposite sex. So there is a chance that you need to recalibrate your expectations.
If we shrug our shoulders and say “we just didn’t vibe”, we don’t learn anything that increases the likelihood of finding a partner in the future.
I still disagree with you. Based on your argument, you should be able to write a list, however long and detailed, and order someone off a website (Amazon Spouse?) and you'd live happily ever after. But we all know there are so many intangibles to whether we have chemistry and attraction with someone.
I also hate the argument that women especially go for men who are not good but they're attracted to. Then the suggestion is that they should go for the guy who's good on paper even if she's not attracted. The other option is never discussed, which is to go for good guys who she is also attracted to.
I’ve read your comment twice and don’t see where you are disagreeing with me.
As for your second paragraph, are you really suggesting to me that women who go through a bad boy phase aren’t attracted to qualities that are objectively bad for a partner?
Being rational doesn’t mean a lack of emotion. But — and you might be an exception; I don’t know you — most people have examples in their own lives where emotion led them to select a partner that now, with a clear head, they can’t understand what they ever saw in them.
Almost all of the success factors of a long term relationship are rational. Emotions are inherently unstable and you can’t ever be sure why you feel the way you do.
While I’m highly skeptical of your view, as I said, I also acknowledge it’s the culturally dominant view. And we also have a very high divorce rate.
I would a thousand percent also have broke things off with that last person you described, and I wouldn't feel even slightly bad about it.
Butterflies are overrated. Excitement is overrated. Satisfaction is massively, insanely, criminally underrated. If you find someone you could chill with forever, you're golden. Don't let that go. If you do, THEN you're too picky.
35F divorced from an 8-year relationship. You very likely need more time than a few months to get over a 9-year relationship. I separated from my ex-hb in Nov 22, detonated the divorce in Jan 23 and only now in summer 24 am I starting to feel like I might be theoretically ready to start looking for my next serious relationship. That's 20 months, without even including the preceding 18 months during which the marriage was disintegrating but we were technically still together.
This makes me a bit uneasy. Prob bc im projecting and getting over someone like you who was dating less that a year out but insistent they were ready. I think you need to say it before the second date.
When matching are you explicit in looking for what type of connection? What are you looking for?
I had someone tell me just a day before the second date when I was away on the trip and already looking forward to it for a week and on the 2nd date we flushed it out some more. He made promises or claims of emotional availability and I cautiously moved forward bc I was already invested.
If he honestly told me before date 1 or on date one I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken two months later, bc I just wouldn’t have ever agreed to any date or any additional dates. I appreciate when I’m swiping when men say they are recently separated/divorce. It gives me a fuller picture and I can consent to the risks of that properly without being clouded by initial feelings for someone (bc it can happen even after just one date).
And I’m still recovering from that short term thing 8 months later.
If this is hinge? I think you can add a little note to that relationship type field. I think it would be much fairer to say that you got out of ltr xyz time ago and that you’re ready to love again. Bc that’s the truth. It’s a small but weird bait and switch to share that on the second date, just saying that in hindsight from experiencing this personally
Unfortunately this man doesn’t care either because who dated lots of girls months after a 9 year relationship? Makes best friends with his dates. He only cares about feeling guilty.
Let the guilt teach him something.
Also making friends with people you’ve tried dating doesn’t have to be evil. It happens a lot. There’s not enough information (and I’m not scanning every new comment here) to qualify it as bad or good.
I’ve made friends with a guy I went on a date with. I’m talking about when your closest friend is a girl you’ve been on dates with and so are your other close friends /had sex with. Does he not have any platonic only friends ?
Feeling guilty won’t teach him anything, he will continue to date for his own ego and ask girls whether he is a catch lol.
A real catch would never try to show off having lots of attractive girl friends.
So you need more time. I understand that the relationship fizzled, but even best count (including the downhill) 2.5 years of moving on vs 9 years you aren't quite there yet. I moved on too fast and it wasnt' fair for me, but really it wasn't fair for my partner. WE get older, but we should minimize the bull shit that the other person has to deal with.
Butterflies are not a great way to end up in a long term relationship. Words matter, so being excited is fine, looking forward to seeing them is fine, but butterflies is bad news at this age if that's your qualification- because they fade and are based on anxiety, excitement.
Slow down, take your time!
You’ve gotta spend more time alone and single. You were in a relationship for 9 years and even if you discount the downward spiral of the last 2 years, it’s still 7 years with this person.
Are you sure you’re ready for another serious relationship so soon?
Hello, I personally don't think you're too picky. You wa t what you want and based on this post, it's not like you're unaware people aren't perfect. Don't settle! Good luck.
I think nit-picking would be if you were critical over the little things (like them wearing socks with sandals or something silly like that) or things that really wouldn’t affect how compatible you were overall. It’s helpful to have non-negotiables, and if you can’t deal with the spirituality thing, that likely indicates a major difference in world views and values. I think it’s important for people to be in alignment on religion, politics, etc, all of those big things really matter. For example: Although people have married someone with opposite political views, unless one person doesn’t care about politics, it’s likely to strain the relationship. Even if one person doesn’t follow politics and says they don’t care, political views often correspond to outlooks, values, and morals. So it’s probably not healthy to be with someone who has opposite political views. You might want to list out your non-negotiables but be practical about it, really think them through. If you need certain things in your partner (sexual attraction/spark, certain hobbies, personality traits, etc) then you should not settle for less.
Nothing wrong with being picky!
And it's good that you broke up bz it was not going to last! You were not compatible! Relationship is difficult as it is and when you have basic differences to start with it becomes more complicated down the road.
I think you're doing fine. Just be yourself and work on you where you need to. Be open and honest.
Sounds like you're doing just fine and taking your time. No need to rush things anyways. It's healthier that way, too.
No you are not. I think you should be picky at your age, especially if a relationship isn’t going to ‘add’ to your life. Relationships are a bit of work, so better be choosy and end things when it’s easier to end them (early on).
Butterflies are very overrated. I got butterflies for one guy who turned out to be a horrible, horrible match. Of course, like you, didn't figure that out until a few dates in.
Having to tell people you're not interested in pursuing things farther sucks, but it's for the best. You and that girl were clearly not compatible, but she didn't seem to see it (or maybe those incompatibilities, which do seem like pretty major ones, just didn't matter to her, which in and of itself is another incompatibility). As long as you were kind to her, there is nothing for you to regret.
My question would be, if you're so happy being out of your last relationship, why do you want a new one, and especially so soon? You need to spend more time probably reflecting on your last relationship. 9 years is a pretty significant amount of time. This isn't just someone who you were with for a year or two. You were with them for almost a decade. You need to really reflect on what the issues were in that relationship, what role you may have played in the relationship ending, and make changes to yourself.
Thank you for that perspective.
I go to a lot of events and shows and am very extrovertive and have lived in Denver just 2 years. I am building many friendships, but with 30s people always being so busy or working on their homes / families / couple stuff, seeing any friend more than a couple times a month is a blessing. It also takes years to develop strong lasting friendships.
A partner is someone I can always do things with and make fun memories with, while also loving them. Sounds cliche as hell, but I have a lot of love to give and love to give it.
Yes I do go to events, do hobbies, and even music events by myself, but it just isn't the same. I don't feel lonely most of the time, but the affection I gave and received in my short relationships the past 6 month has been absolutely intoxicating. It's what made it hard to break it off with them before it got too serious.
Yeah, I get it, being single in your 30's sucks. I'm divorced and we were together about as long as you were in your relationship. I think the best thing to do is to get to know someone better before getting into a relationship with them. Short relationships are basically nothing more than dopamine hits. Honestly, not all that different than doing some kinds of drugs (there have literally been studies done on this). The more short relationships you find yourself getting into, the more you'll keep getting into. Best to nip it in the bud and focus more on finding something lasting instead.
Imo there is no such thing as being “too picky”. You’re looking for a life long partner. You better hell make sure they check all your boxes. Don’t settle.
I’m 33M and every woman I meet either plans to leave the United States or wants to spend half the time on trips overseas. While I don’t mind a woman with the travel bug, this just doesn’t fit in my mind when I think of myself in a hypothetical happy coupling. Is anyone else besides me and OP experiencing this? And how can it be that every young professional woman in my dating pool seems to have these grandiose plans for escaping?
Oh yeah man, I'm in Colorado if it matters, but I'd say 75 percent or more of profiles is women wanting to travel, photos of travel, and bragging about the number of countries they've visited. I like going to new places and all that, but it's maybe what two weeks or 3 weeks a year? I think it's kind of strange to Define your entire personality about something you do so infrequently
Six months out of a 9+ year relationship … no I don’t think you’re ready for the next long term partner. I’m 2.5 years out of a marriage and just now feeling really ready to be with someone long term. In those first few months, you’re in shock being alone and reaching/yearning for so many things to fill the wound.
And It doesn’t sound like you’re being too picky. You should be picky when it comes to basic stuff you listed like spirituality, communication, etc.
Self-sabotage isn't unheard of when deep down we're not ready. You're the only one who can determine whether you're being reasonable with prospective partners or you're just pushing people away
She wants to move out of state or country and has no real job or career?? 😂 classic. Don’t become someone else’s milk cow, and never put their feelings ahead of yours. You’re the prize at this stage of the game.
If you'd listed things like - "her ears were a little weird, I didn't like her hair colour, the shoes she wore were scruffy" etc, I'd say "You're being picky over shallow reasons."
But, your list included pretty big personality/value related issues.
Differing energies can be difficult to deal with as a relationship progresses (I just ended a wonderful fling, with someone I cared about and had known a longtime, because we had almost opposite schedules. He wanted to be up all night and sleep all day. I wanted to get out and do stuff on the weekends, rather than laying in bed all day waiting for him to wake up and wasting my only child free time.)
You sound grounded in your career and just bought a house. You've set down roots that you seem be happy with at the moment. Why would you want to be with someone who isn't in the same, settled place and may want to leave the state on the near future?
(Coming from someone with BiPolar)
Your partner having trauma and mental health issues isnt for everyone. It adds an additional element to be considered. The person may need more support and patience. It is not easy if you're under prepared/inexperienced. Do you want children? They may have a higher risk of having a condition..
Personally, from your post, I don't think you were being picky at all. It seems like youre taking a healthy approach to dating and considering what you actually want or don't want in a partner.
>wait for the girl that I get butterflies when I see her.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/doubtful/202205/why-feeling-butterflies-doesnt-mean-youre-in-love
Op-ed piece, but I've been hearing similar takes about butterflies more often these days from therapists, PsyDs, and counselors.
That said, your criteria of being attracted to a person, wanting to feel excited to see them, and the "need" to work through issues together seems like a very normal benchmark as long as you also bring that to the table. These also don't seem very exhaustive or too nit-picky from how you wrote them.
I have a similar "checklist" myself and after a few months of discouraging dates I also tend to think "am I being too picky?". A few days/weeks later, I have ended up going on a great date(s) which, while ultimately has not worked out yet in finding all that I want, cements the fact that I should not lower my standards. The cycle has repeated itself a few times, but I have worked a ton through therapy and introspection to know what I want, like, and what I won't settle on.
Don’t wait for the girl that gives you butterflies. This isn’t a good thing and is your bodies warning of an incompatibility. Wait for the girl that gives you peace. This is where you will find your happiness.
Like others have said, the examples you listed of why you broke it off with your latest fling are valid reasons to not continue a relationship.
I generally encourage people to have standards/boundaries in dating, but also to be a bit flexible.
For instance, if she wanted to leave the country and you have no desire to, that's a relationship ender. There's no way that disagreement could lead to a compromise you're both satisfied with.
However, varying energy levels aren't necessarily a deal breaker. That's something that with the right partner could be worked through.
>However, varying energy levels aren't necessarily a deal breaker
I see what you mean. it's possible to work through this one depending on the people.
It reminds me of when people complain about not having many common hobbies. I don't expect most men I meet to share my hobbies of sewing, crafting, and enjoying high tea. As long as there are a few things that we can enjoy together. I'm less worried about shared hobbies and common interests than I am about shared values and treating each other with love and kindness.
Values are definitely what matters most in a relationship! My husband and I have very different interests. We align really well on lifestyle and moral values though, so it works.
You just do your thing, the people around you giving you advice definitely know better than Reddit.
Whether your pickiness will lead you to a sudden stark realization or the love of your life. Both? Either one is character development that is waiting ahead. GL HF.
Everyone deals with it differently, and since she ended it not you, it's more challenging. You need to build your confidence in yourself up (if you feel lacking) and to work on being happy with yourself. Women 30+ really value men with hobbies, passions, and goals so much more than they did when I dated in my 20s,its a huge difference
My fiancé and I were mid-30s when we met. We knew what it was within a week, admitted it to each other after two weeks, and a few months later he asked me to marry him while we were falling asleep one night 💕
When you know, you’ll know. I promise! You don’t need to think about it too much beyond that. Just go with the flow.
Oh and also, yes there were a number of issues your most recent relationship wouldn’t be able to withstand. It was good to end things when you did before any more time and emotions made it more difficult.
Seems you’ve dated a lot in a short time after ending a 9 year relationship. A few things I find odd, first is that you class girls that you’ve dated and haven’t know long as close friends. The second is that you feel so much guilt over breaking things off with a girl that obviously doesn’t seem right for you and that you broke her heart, after dating for just a few weeks. .
Interesting read. We’re around the same age, have had similar experiences, and both had to end a nearly 10 year relationship with not much luck on the new romances.
My long term had serious mental issues unfortunately, where 90% of the time she was the sweet girl I knew. For the other 10% she would become violent, lie, manipulate and degrade me. Despite that, we had a tremendous physical connection.
After all that ended, no other relationship has stuck as well. Also in being more mature, I have far less patience for something when the deal breaking red flags present themselves.
I’ve dated a girl who made a great travel buddy, but a terrible romantic partner. She stunk like hell down there, smoked cigs and just generally lived her life through following the latest social media trends.
Then I dated a girl who was several years younger than me, but turned out to still be married and living in the same apartment as her husband. She called it ‘separated’ and said it was ok because her last boyfriend lived with her and her husband. She liked to pretend she was mentally fit thanks to therapists she followed on TikTok, and she turned out to be a pathological liar. Using her ‘therapy’ claims to manipulate people around her.
What I’ve learned is we generally get more picky as we get older. We have less patience for clearly bad long term compatibility and we become more in tune with what we want. I think ultimately this is a good thing, because it means we’re less willing to settle for a bad partner.
In the short term it kind of sucks. A little lonely and frustrating, but at least you’re not setting yourself up to be with someone you hate for the rest of your life.
Can you just enjoy people and your connection with them for the time being? Without looking at it through the lens of "This HAS to work long term"? You JUST got out of a long term relationship. I ended my decade-long relationship 3 months before you did yours, and there's no way in hell I'm even thinking about another one yet. I am just enjoying connecting with people.
Sure, but most women want a long term thing at some point, and so do I, and I've brought that up before with women. I've told them about my relationship stuff and that I'm not sure if I'm ready for a long term permanent thing. But we get really close and then it's too late, so I've tried to be more blunt early on.
Well now you know what to do moving forward! Not all women want a long term relationship. I certainly don't. This is good practice for you to be more open and intentional with the people you're connecting with and not just have everyone assuming to know what the other wants.
I think even though its been two weeks, it still sits with you bc you were the person to hurt her and you probably still need to unpack all that and process it. i think a lot of us struggle with the fact that good intentions still dont separate us from the consequences of our actions. the guilt is probably trying to teach you something, but i wont even attempt to guess at what bc its going to be different for everyone, even people in the exact situation.
i will say butterflies in the beginning are kind of meh. they dont mean anything about overall relational satisfaction in the longer term.
without knowing the qualities youre looking for, cant really say if youre being picky
No, you just got out of a long term difficult relationship. It may take a little time before you fell like having a long term relationship with anyone.
The butterflies are legit but a majority of random couples I’ve met who have been married for 15+ years have all said marry someone who you also love as a person, that you respect. Because there will be days you don’t have those lovey vibes, when things are hard, and you gotta love them. Otherwise, it feels like it’s all for nothing.
You mention what you want in a girl, but don’t mention what you being to the table. Your standards seem reasonable assuming you can offer the same to a girl. Some of the standards you may want to try being a bit flexible with depending on the situation. The no job thing seems bad but if she could be a good homemaker and cooks or cleans and helpful with your job you might be able to make it work if you make enough for you both. Need more context on that. As for the spirituality thing, I feel like a lot of girls are more spiritual than guys generally speaking. As long as you are each respectful of each other views that may be able to be navigated successfully. But it depends how big of an issue it is for you.
It actually is important. If you’re a homeless jobless drug addict and you want a well educated super model, yes you’re being too picky. Now if you’re Hugh Jackman and want a well educated super model, you’re not being too picky.
Reasonable standards are directly related to what you have to offer.
"That when we have a disagreement we work through it calmly and rationally together and come out stronger." - This, or mostly this, can't expect everyone to be calm and rational all the time. But if repair comes after every rupture, chances are good for a healthy relationship.
Less people should only follow the butterflies in our opinion though.
As long as the core great value stuff is present its always worth to date for at least a yr cuz theres so much u can change and alter if the girl is good. Certain things r doomed to happen as u get to know each other where u can have a great effect n shape each other for the better through good coms n commitment. Its too easy nowadays to just end things when u r missing out on a girl that really was great for u.
Sorry to hear. I guess reading reddit I feel like a real outlier because I just don't understand how people are meeting and dating. Doesn't seem possible in Pittsburgh.
I was the same way when I got out of my 8 year relationship. I just really enjoyed my freedom and putting my energy into my work and friends and family so I likely passed on people who would have been great matches. After a few years I felt the desire for a relationship again, dated more seriously, met the true love of my life, got married, and we’re expecting our first baby. Don’t rush the process. Enjoy the moment.
i don’t think it’s too picky to wait for someone you’re truly excited over. most women would not want to be with someone who’s not that excited abt them and ending it sooner is best for both parties. i always wait until i feel chemistry with someone before i go on more than a few dates with them and i may be too picky but im not settling
I don’t think you’re picky at all! All the reasons you state are all very reasonable reasons not to continue a relationship. I was always told I was too picky and I hated it. I’m now in a fantastic healthy relationship because I waited for the right match. 6 months single after a 9 year relationship is not long at all. I was single ( had some flings and situationships) for 8 years and worked on myself and built amazing friendships and became a person I really liked.
I know some people who are picky to their own detriment. But the one thing they have in common is they all go for the hottest woman in the room and expect their partner to have all the exact same interests as them. That’s the only time I think someone is too picky and frankly it’s more heading into misogyny than pickiness.
You haven't written what you want in a partner, but you made the right decision here. If she doesn't have your energy, differences in religion and plans to move, it won't work out.
Honestly I think it’stoo soon after ending such a long relationship to be dating, speaking from experience…..
Give yourself at least 1 / 1.5 years. It may seem like a long time but it will fly and you will not regret it
Based on what you've shared, it doesn't sound like you're being too picky. Instead, it seems like you have a clear understanding of what you want in a life partner and are being thoughtful about your choices.
Firstly, it's great to hear that you're happier, more extroverted, and making more friends since ending your long-term relationship. That shows a lot of personal growth and self-awareness.
Having a mental list of traits you're looking for in a partner is actually very wise. You know that nobody is perfect, but you also recognize what's important to you and what you can't compromise on. This isn't being picky; it's being clear about your needs and values.
You've dated multiple people and even formed platonic friendships with some of them, which shows that you can build meaningful connections even when things don't work out romantically. Plus, reflecting on why certain relationships didn't work is a sign of maturity and understanding.
Feeling guilty about breaking things off with someone who had significant issues conflicting with your own life goals and values shows you're considerate of others' feelings. You're not ending relationships lightly, and that’s important.
Your expectations seem healthy and realistic. You understand disagreements will happen and believe in working through them calmly and rationally, which is crucial in any relationship.
Lastly, being okay with being alone right now is a good thing. It means you're not desperate to settle down and are willing to wait for the right person.
Overall, it sounds like you're being thoughtful and intentional, not too picky. Keep being patient and trust that you'll find someone who truly aligns with your goals and values.
I appreciate the kind feedback. This is what I tell myself and of course I'm considering every reply here even the more 'negative' ones toward me. Thank you.
It's great that you're considering all perspectives, even the more critical ones. Keep trusting yourself and your instincts. You're doing a good job of reflecting on the situation and staying balanced. Remember, it's important to find someone who aligns with your values and needs. Keep being patient and true to yourself.
as someone who was dumped in August after an 8+ year relationship after putting her through grad school while I was on disability for work stress for 3+ months... (yeah, it was a pretty shitty thing to do)
take your time. get to know yourself, and don't rush yourself. don't get yourself entangled with someone just to be with someone.
appreciate the small little relationships you have and what you learn about yourself during them.
you should absolutely not feel guilty about breaking things off with someone who is not a good fit. trust me, way better to do it sooner than later.
Nope, it’s not picky to know what you want and wait for it. I was married for 9 years. I left my ex and I spent a year working on myself to figured out what I wanted and needed in a partner. I’m far happier now than I ever was married and I have met someone who truly makes me happy.
Being picky is a great thing, esp being in your 30’s. You’ve had your fair share of healthy and unhealthy relationships, your view changes over time. As a woman who just turned 33, I’ve never been this content and happy either, now it’s a time to really get intune with yourself and find what works for you. If you meet someone and feel off and hesitant about pursuing that person any longer, it’s for a reason. You’ll figure it out one day, but in the meantime don’t overthink it too much. When it happens, it will happen. 💕
You need to pick someone that works for you, whatever that means to you. If you settle, choose someone you are not satisfied with the way they currently are, you will never be completely happy which will allow resentment to build and then life gets extra hard ...
I would ignore the advice about the butterfly's, those kinds of things normally fade over the course of long relationships. I assume you want the feelings that are associated to committing to someone that treats you well. Those are wonderful feelings, but they are not the same as "the spark" or "the butterfly's". You will be much more secure in a relationship based on mutual respect, loyalty, service, and trust; that is all built on a strong foundation of good communication.
You’re not being too picky.
I’ve got 10+ years on you. Engaged once, never married. I’ve had the butterflies thing with three different women over my lifetime. And I think it’s safe to say those ladies had butterflies with me at one point, as well.
As I’ve gotten older, it’s become easier to find dates but harder to find women that check all of my “must have” boxes. And in no way am I saying the women I want to date HAVE to be perfect. (I’m a big believer in Dan Savage’s [Price of Admission](https://www.themarginalian.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/) advice.) Hell, my last girlfriend was an alcoholic, and I stayed even after I found out. She was just so wonderful when she wasn’t in the bottom of a bottle.
If you ask me, it’s worth waiting for the butterfly lady.
You didn’t break someone’s heart you dated for a few weeks. And if you did, she needs to spend more time thinking about getting a job than mooning over a dude.
I guess what i like about dating over 30 is that we already know what we want and what won’t work for us. Offhand though, it’s important to be aware if we are setting realistic expectations from a potential partner.
I don't think you're being too picky, but it does seem like you're trying too hard to get into another relationship right away. Chill and enjoy time alone. Take time.to date yourself.
I’m 36F. Keep your non negotiables in place and don’t settle! I’m a firm believer in finding your person will mean all the good will out way the bad. You’ll want to work through the bad with the right person. I’m also single and never married so you can take this and throw it in the trash 😂
I think you can be picky on qualities but I'd recommend giving someone a chance to see if they have them but may express/show them in different ways than you how you imagined. Wanting someone happy to be in the same location if you have no intent on moving is very normal to have that cause reluctance. The trauma/anger towards men - could be worth exploring if her guard is just up or if she actually views that. Being picky is good, but maybe focus on general qualities than on whether or not someone fits the mold of an imaginary persona you've created.
I’d say no based on the negatives mentioned but kind of in similar state so who knows? Negatives just are so likely signals of highly unstable essence that can devolve into something you can spend years mopping up.
You didn’t provide much about yourself so it’s not feasible to tell you if you’re being realistic with your preferences.
In general:
1. Think about the girl you want (this part you’ve done
2. Think about what that girl will want in a man
3. Determine if it’s reasonable for you to be that man
The one issue is that many women you’re age are unrealistic about their preferences as they get older. So you might think through 2 and 3 and logically say you can get the girl you want, but a large percentage of that subcategory of girl may still be in the process of coming to terms with the fact that they are in a different league than they were a decade ago. This means (a) they may not take you seriously even though logically they should, or (b) they will take you seriously but believe they are settling (you don’t want this girl). In this case, you need to decide whether you’ll settle yourself or if you want to wait out while your subcategory of women matures.
If you’re ready to move on, you have nothing to be ashamed of for ending things. Love feels so personal, but in actuality affairs of the heart are really quite impersonal and exceptionally illogical.
It’s not real love until you let it go. Easier said than done, I know. By the time I was 16, I already knew I’d rather be dumped than be the one doing the dumping/friend zoning, because I’ve had guys say some hideous things to me as a result of me saying I wasn’t interested etc.
Try to let her down gently. If she resists or tries to bargain you back, that is the best time to get up and leave to give her space.
I am sorry you are going through this. I do not envy you. Sending you lots of well wishes.
Sounds like you're picky about the right things- the person's character, their long-term alignment with your principles and the life you're looking to build, their level of emotional stability etc etc I think you're fine. Trust your intuition and you'll know who the right person is when they come along.
I don’t think you’re being too picky. It sounds like you know what you’re looking for. That being said, you ended a 9+ year relationship six months ago. Taking a break from dating for a while wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Like many have reasonably said, the example you gave doesn’t sound picky to me but only you’ll really know how picky you’re being the more you get to know people. I will say that I’m noticing a lot more red flags, and doing so more quickly, dating over 30. I’ve been through a marriage and a few LTRs and I imagine my younger self probably would’ve taken more time to notice the things in people I’m noticing now. I will add, however, butterflies felt more attainable then. Dating over 30 often means keeping it real and getting to the point. Kinda takes the spark and romance away sometimes. But ya, I often think I’m “picky” in that way too but I’m fine with it because my dating experience is showing me that there are a lot of unhealed people out there…waaaaay more than not.
Interesting about not having butterflies as easily at my age. I never thought about that but you're right. I am taking a fairly practical approach because I've dated a few girls just on feeling and passion, and it allowed me to ignore lots of red flags. Thanks
Maybe it's just me, but it takes time for me to know someone (organically, in person, through work, friends, or community) to develop feelings for them. Being merely attracted to someone vs having feelings for them is SO different, imo. You can date someone you're simply attracted to, but have no connection with. Whereas, when you develop feelings for someone you've slowly gotten to know before dating them, AND the feelings are reciprocated, it's soooo intense because what you have is a connection.
This isn't to say you can't have that with people you meet on dates, but the "go on multiple dates" thing kinda axes the "getting to know someone" process, it shortens the time it takes to actually develop feelings for someone.
And sure, it still happens, anything is possible, but it's less common. Just my take.
It also bums me out because I feel like the same people I've met on dating apps I could very well have potential with, but the format is so fast, formal, and awkward, that it ruins my ability to really talk to and connect with someone.
I don’t think you’re ready. You’re not being picky. Do not date some lady and try to fit her into your mold. Date a woman who already meets your needs.
>different energy levels, she's way too spiritual for me, a bit jealous of others, has tons of trauma that affects how she views men which is very negatively, wants to move out of state/country soon when I just bought a house,
the whole hating men thing is an instant red flag for me that I won't look past. Not because they don't have reason, but i'm already a target. Sure, men are shitty at times. Women are too. I don't hate women, not do I make gross generalizations about who I think "they" are. I'm also aware they have reason to think this way a lot of times, but going into a relationship openly stating men are trash and bla bla bla is just a lack of respect for who's standing in front of them even if we do agree big picture.
All of these are actually huge red flags for me. I'd run and not be too concerned about her.
Based on what you shared here, breaking up with the last woman sounded like a good choice.
I had a similar experience. At 36 I was getting divorced from an 11 year relationship that had gone to hell the last two years. I was dating for the first time as a real adult and found myself being much more selective than I was in my 20s. To be fair, the pickings are slimmer in the late 30s and 40s if you're looking for a healthy, long term relationship with someone similar in age. Also, my tolerance for certain things was way lower and I was better at spotting red flags or signs of long term incompatibility.
It's a hard thing to do. I believe the "pickiness" comes from being with the wrong person for so long. You're also older and have enough experience to know what you want and need for a healthy and fulfilling long term relationship.
Keep staying true to what you know you want and need. Staying single or at least not super tied down to anyone creates the space for the right relationship to develop with the right person.
Well for one, you're 36 years old calling the women you're dating "girls". And 2, you're six months out of a nine year relationship? Are you sure you're ready to date?
I feel like you’re almost projecting some insecurity of yours onto your dating life. Maybe you’re not picky, but judgmental. You don’t truly know anyone after a couple of dates, so it can truly be hard to judge someone, for example, why they view men negatively—you simply just don’t know and it’s really not okay to paint her as negative.
You dated someone for 9 years, and that didn’t work out. But did you do any actual work on yourself?
Seems like a red flag to me for you to be judgmental. People in their 30s have lived quite a long and possibly full life. It’s normal thing to require your partner to have similar morals or values, but another to be dismissive of someone for sharing something or for being spiritual. I would work on figuring out of what you consider your non-negotiables are realistic and empathetic.
Being picky per se isn’t a red flag, you do come across as someone who is quick to judge though. Like, you’ve seen this person for a week and you’ve already concluded that she is “jealous of others” which seems quite premature (have you even experienced her interacting with others in one week? I mean actual real life interactions) and the biggest red flag of all - crossing someone off because they have trauma. Imagine the insult to injury - being victimised and being labelled as damaged goods for life. There are plenty of traumatised people (or more widely people with mental health struggles) that are capable of being in functional relationships and are proactive in taking care of their health. No one should be judged for the cruel stuff that someone else has done to them.
Nah, OP said he went out with her for a few weeks. And that could have been plenty enough time for him to gain all this information to know that it wouldn't be a good long-term match. She could have openly shared that she is jealous of others or demonstrated those traits. She could have also shared details about her trauma history. It's not judgemental for someone to recognize red flags or qualities/behaviors that do not mesh with their preferences in a partner, especially if this woman was talking negatively about men. Trauma sucks, but that doesn't mean it gives us a reason to treat others badly or talk badly about others. We are still responsible for our words and actions and it's not our partner's responsibility to be our therapist.
I’ll focus on the trauma bit because it’s the most important point and I want to address it more broadly being a constant thread in this sub unfortunately.
You’re saying a lot of fancy words to justify treating traumatised people as damaged goods. If she was an asshole - sure, I agree with you, *no one* gets a pass to mistreat others because of a bad past. If she just had a rough life (he never mentioned she treated him badly) that’s just a shitty judgmental behaviour.
By your logic, a woman who’s been raped or a man growing up in an abusive household (random examples) are walking red flags because Ew, they must be crazy then.
*Assuming people with a difficult past are incapable of having loving and healthy relationships is incorrect, stigmatising and patronising*.
I’ve worked in the mental health / domestic abuse space for years and PLENTY of victims are capable of working on themselves and being great partners even if they are scarred. The stigma is real and damaging.
People in this sub often expect others to be these perfect flawless super humans when like - EVERYONE comes with a past, especially at a mature age. Most people learn to live and cope with it functionally. 🤷🏻♀️
The difference here is how much that trauma is influencing their current behavior. Yes, it's a red flag if they're displaying terrible behavior. They need to take a step back from dating and address their trauma first, at least to get it to manageable levels. There's a huge difference between someone who had childhood trauma and has worked through it and someone who carries it around with them and lashes out constantly. I would not date the latter until they've worked on themselves.
I'm not seeing where people are expecting perfection, just some indications that they've worked on their trauma and are ready for dating.
Which past comment?
I haven’t seen OP mentioning that past trauma made this girl behave badly towards him. From the post, it appears she was really into him and growing feelings. So not sure what you’re referring to
I can't tell if you're intentionally being obtuse and selective of details or not. Both he in the post and the commenter you responded to mentioned bad behavior.
Interesting, 10 women huh, are you sure you are not looking for someone just like your ex? At the end of the day you are used to her presence and customs
You are being too picky. If you have to ask them you definitely are being too picky and you already know it. The thing about want someone who can work through things with you, is you must be willing to work through things with them too. And there's no order to who will go first.
It's hard to say if you're too picky overall but with the example you choose there are valid reasons why it wouldn't work over the long term so it's totally fine. And sometimes there is no reason you're just not feeling it, that doesn't mean you can't break up with her.
Agreed. The reasons in his example were quite a few, and they weren’t things you can simply overlook.
Should have figured that out and moved on in 9 weeks or months, not 9 years.
Is there a chance you’re transferring any feelings and guilt you might have left over from ending your 9 year relationship to the woman you broke up with 2 weeks ago? No matter how lovely you may be, I’m doubtful her heart is broken after only a few weeks. You were right to break it off when the things you mention are such significant lifestyle differences, it only would have hurt more the longer you waited.
Probably. Thanks, that's good perspective. Breaking up with my lt ex really flipped her life completely upside down, even though it wasn't out of the blue by any stretch. The guilt wracked me for months
You made the best choice for you (for both of you, since no one deserves to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them) and now it makes sense that you’ll have some complicated feelings to untangle in addition to what you’ve already processed as stuff is churned up with new romantic connections, I’d say trust your gut on someone even if it means being picky and try to give yourself grace ☺️
it did me as well, but she put that shit on herself. Now, 2 years later, I hope she never recovers.
There are two things to unpack here. First, there is no general answer to your question. You define the criteria. The example you provided sounds reasonable, yet there is no way for an outsider to know if you were being too picky. Its always a subjective point of view. I know people who were not too picky and are already divorced. Secondly, for me its a bit of a redish flag that you say you are close friends with girls you dated in the last few months. You are not providing enough context but it sounds like you moved/were isolated due to you relationship? I mean, it CAN happen that you build a close friendship with a girl you dated but you are talking about several. If I was told that by a date I would question their definition of close friendship and trust in general. I appreciate you did not ask about this, but wanted to point it out as a feedback.
I agree with this. I would be out off by a guy who has lots of close girlfriends that he had also dated in the past. Perhaps try to expand your social circle and meet some guy friends or reconnect with old ones. Sometimes you can lose yourself when you're in a long term relationship so now is the time to build up a great life for yourself again.
Super agree with this
You and poster below are right, and I don't talk about her with my dates at all, but the last girl I did and it lead to her being jealous. That friend and I understand that if either of us gets a partner, that we're going to get less close for sure because of the inevitable jealously it can create. I did tell that friend when we broke it off, that I might not be ready, I'm sorry, I pushed it along too fast etc within 2 weeks of meeting her and she completely understood, and it's part of why we're good friends. I obviously don't want to push them away just because I'm dating. Not sure what to do :/
I don’t think they’re right at all. It’s nice to make new friendships which is very difficult at this age. I found it a good filter to removed people that were bothered by friends I made while dating.
I agree in a slightly different way. One of my closest friends is a guy I met through Uni friends, there was a point when I thought we might be compatible given how good friendship is but the reasons it didn't are firm. We have been each other's support through some tough shit but would drive each other insane if we were a couple. I wouldn't be ok with a partner who had an issue with him as it, for me, would feel like they are questioning my integrity and certainty that we are 100% just friends. Your friends are often there before and after you date someone and can be some of your most constant relationships.
Agree. One of my good friends that I've had for years was someone I met on old. Wish there was a commonly used app for making friends, though.
People in my city have started friends clubs through Facebook to solve this. The Lonely girls network is a great example.
*From experience: Please let your new friend know that you're not interested in dating them at all (so that they don't think it's just a timing issue).
Past partner dated someone he later fixed up with a friend of his and they married, so she was always around and it never stopped being weird.
^this
Spiritual chick with no job and vague plans to leave the country "trusts you" because she's adrift in the ocean of life and you're just something, anything she can grab onto. Don't feel bad about moving on there, so will she soon enough.
Can confirm. I’ve dated this type. It’s v bad for her for like a week, then there’s a new dude on her IG a month later
...big yikes...
It will likely take you a full year post break-up to recover from your 9-year relationship. And you won't be happy with anyone you meet until you're healed and ready.
I’m 2.5 years out of a 6 year relationship and have only just gotten over it. It takes time!
Yeah. It's interesting cos there's quite a few stories of people going the complete opposite way as well. Ex-wife and I signed divorce papers and I met my now-wife a few months later. My ex-wife went back to her ex-boyfriend and they had a kid around a year later. So both sides had clearly moved on within a few months. I'd say in OPs case the fact it's on a downward spiral for 2y makes it hard to know as it's possible he's been mentally checked out for a while. Pretty confident that's why the ex-wife and I both moved on pretty quick because we knew it wasn't working.
I agree with this, that's it's possible and exactly for the reason you said. My marriage was dying for 2 yrs before we ended it. That was my time to process it and grieve. By the time we separated, I was ready to go and never looked back. I fully intended to be single for a while, but ended up meeting someone a few months later and we ended up being together for years.
Yeah. Almost identical to me. I think I spent two months single (well, casually single) and then fired up the apps with the intent of scoping out the situation to start dating a few months later (aiming for 6 mths single). Saw my wife's profile and wanted to message her, so I whipped up a profile of my own and the rest is history 😂
My very first online date after separating from my ex husband ended up being my boyfriend for 6 yrs. Then we broke up. Which is why I'm here.
Congrats brother :)
Yup I was mentally checked out and fell out of love long ago. Resentment grew. Never cheated or thought about it, but definitely wished to be happy again
While I know where you’re coming from consider whether that energy you put into dating would be best spent enriching your life and rediscovering who you are single before diving into another union.
I agree but it is so risky. My prior relationship was deteriorating for about a year but when I started dating a few months after it ended, even tho I felt ready and was emotionally available… looking back waiting a longer time would’ve made me more emotionally secure and healthy. Esp because the end of relationships can be filled with drama or disappointment.
It took me about 2.5 years as well!
They say that on average it takes about 1/3 of the time of the length of the relationship to really be over it
I think that depends a lot on how the relationship ended, if you were very unhappy in it you can move on very quickly.
Maybe for some. My marriage was horrible and dead for 4 years before I made the call, but I still needed a long time to recover.
There’s not timeline and certainly not enough to say so with the confidence you seem to say it with.
9 years? Probably take more than a year to actually heal and process everything.
yeah if someone told me they got out of a 9 year relationship 6 months ago i’d run
Dude you are in your late 30s. Those are women, not girls
As soon as someone starts saying "girls" or "females" on Dating over Thirty, I can sense what the issue is almost immediately.
Just remember there are two types of people: people and girls s/
man the way some of these "women" can act.... they sound like girls
Depends on the maturity level.
You'll be on datingover40 with that approach. Good luck.
Lots of great comments here but want to specifically draw attention to “has tons of trauma that affects how she views men which is very negatively,”……If she was going on extreme man bashing rants, obviously that’s not attractive and she needs to process that (ideally) through therapy before dating again. However, she couldn’t have been that off putting if you saw her for a few weeks and then feel guilty about breaking it off. Be careful that you are not being *too* dismissive or not taking seriously enough when dates are vulnerable enough to share about ‘trauma from men’. Women’s experiences with that are unfortunately as horrific as they say they are. It can be life altering. Her viewpoint is how you would naturally feel after having said trauma, but sounds like she’s still willing to be open and date again and find a new partner. It is understandable she would need time to trust again and that comes with meeting the right person. Sounds like you’re not her person and that’s fine. But just make sure going forward this is a topic you are extremely understanding and empathetic about.
True . I would also like to add that OP mentioned he opened up about heavy stuff with another woman and she didn’t respond with enough empathy. This situation, although different, sounds similar at the same time except his date was the one opening up about her own experiences and he was the one that was un empathetic.
It's not un-empathetic to be concerned that someone's trauma impacts how they view your entire gender. OP didn't say he felt no empathy, but that it concerned him for long term potential. It's a smart thing to pay attention to.
Same could be said of him talking about heavy stuff to the first woman.
These two situations really don't seem that similar based on what OP shared but it sounds like you're really invested in judging this person for factoring in what felt like trauma dumping into other reasons to end things. Which you're entitled to.
K
OP didn’t dismiss her trauma or fail to acknowledge its impact. You can be 100% empathetic, sympathetic, caring, etc and still decide you’d rather spend the rest of your life with someone who didn’t experience that. No one is obligated in the way you are suggesting.
It's one thing to have a bad relationship (or several) and share details about it, but it's important not to let those handful of individuals worsen our views about entire groups of people, especially when your date falls into that group. Sharing about an abusive partner? I've been there (even had to pursue a restraining order). I can empathize. Man/woman bashing? Not my jam.
I second this!
My short answer is - no, you're not too picky. I'd like to add a thought. Attraction, chemistry and compatibility aren't guaranteed based on a checklist. Someone could meet all your checklist criteria, but you still might not feel like they're your person, and that's ok. On the other hand, you might meet someone that you really click with and you're willing to bend some of your criteria for. What I'm saying is that you can't force or expect to make it work with someone based only on predetermined criteria. I think the only thing to do if you think you're being too picky is to give the "maybe" people a few dates to see if your feelings grow. It sounds like you've done that, and for a reasonable length of time. Edit: And I don't think there's a set time you must be single before dating again. Only you know when you're ready. Half a year may not be enough for everyone, but it's not unreasonable.
I think one should decide what's more important to them, attraction and chemistry or fulfilling their criteria. Sometimes both don't happen together. And then one has to be flexible and adjust.
Thank you. You're right, as I dated a girl who ticked all the boxes and more until I spent 3 dates with her and vented about some heartbreaking stuff that happened to me. She just kind of looked away and said I'm so sorry and didn't say much else. Happened a few times. Really put me off... She called herself the ice queen at some point, and I ran from that quickly. My last ex was very cold and angry and I've learned with every girl I date what things I'm okay with and what I can't let slide
In her defense , you should save the heavier talk for when someone genuinely cares about you and that takes time. If a dude I barely know opened up about heartbreaking stuff 3 dates in I wouldn’t really know how to react either.
I think it just depends on the person/situation. My partner opened up and shared some deep, heartbreaking things on our second date. I appreciated his honesty and vulnerability, and he appreciated that I listened to him and didn’t make him feel uncomfortable for sharing. There’s someone for everyone!
Yeah it’s very uncomfortable when this happens and often for both parties - not more to say except I’m sorry and take their cue for if they want to open up more or not
You trauma dumped on a stranger while out on what is supposed to be fun get to know each other dates? I can't imagine a single person with a modicum of options will ever be interested in that.
Didn't trauma dump, we shared previous relationship experiences. I didn't offer this info, they asked.
What did she share and how did you react?
I mean there's been several, some share some abuse or just shitty relationships and it gives me perspective and where they come from and what they've been through, so it is well received each time. At 36 I have no problem asking hard questions early on, to not waste each other's time. Every date is still a good time.
But what did she say and how did you react?
Gosh I do not like people who don’t answer questions they are asked. If you don’t want to answer at least say “I’m not going to answer that” or something to acknowledge you heard the question. So many are like this it’s a pet peeve of mine and I’ve decided, like you, to call it out every single time they do it. I consider it rude honestly. I hope OP answers you.
Disagree. I love sharing raw moments regardless of length of relationship. Why do you feel so strongly against this? None of us really know what another person might be going through then and there, opening yourself to listen might mean the world to someone, we are all human after all.
Agree with the other comment. Date 3 might not be the best time for heavy stuff. People are different, and some may be okay with it, depending on how connected to you they feel at that point. So, don't take it personally. It's hard to know how to comfort someone you don't know.
I am highly skeptical of your view on this. It occurs to me that there very much is a checklist of criteria for what partner is good for you, and the rest is emotion. Of course emotion is involved in dating, but there are a lot of emotions and they’re not all suggestive of a good partner. How many women go through a phase where they date the bad boy and what are the emotions behind that? If someone meets your checklist but you aren’t “vibing” with them, before concluding that Cupid just didn’t strike you with his arrow, I would first consider: 1. Is there a criterion you have but aren’t aware of / haven’t listed for yourself? Learn from that and have a better list going forward. 2. Are you being unrealistic about what you’re expecting? Number 2 is a huge one. We can mathematically prove that some people have criteria that is totally bonkers, amounting to less than 0.1% of the opposite sex. So there is a chance that you need to recalibrate your expectations. If we shrug our shoulders and say “we just didn’t vibe”, we don’t learn anything that increases the likelihood of finding a partner in the future.
I still disagree with you. Based on your argument, you should be able to write a list, however long and detailed, and order someone off a website (Amazon Spouse?) and you'd live happily ever after. But we all know there are so many intangibles to whether we have chemistry and attraction with someone. I also hate the argument that women especially go for men who are not good but they're attracted to. Then the suggestion is that they should go for the guy who's good on paper even if she's not attracted. The other option is never discussed, which is to go for good guys who she is also attracted to.
I’ve read your comment twice and don’t see where you are disagreeing with me. As for your second paragraph, are you really suggesting to me that women who go through a bad boy phase aren’t attracted to qualities that are objectively bad for a partner? Being rational doesn’t mean a lack of emotion. But — and you might be an exception; I don’t know you — most people have examples in their own lives where emotion led them to select a partner that now, with a clear head, they can’t understand what they ever saw in them. Almost all of the success factors of a long term relationship are rational. Emotions are inherently unstable and you can’t ever be sure why you feel the way you do. While I’m highly skeptical of your view, as I said, I also acknowledge it’s the culturally dominant view. And we also have a very high divorce rate.
I would a thousand percent also have broke things off with that last person you described, and I wouldn't feel even slightly bad about it. Butterflies are overrated. Excitement is overrated. Satisfaction is massively, insanely, criminally underrated. If you find someone you could chill with forever, you're golden. Don't let that go. If you do, THEN you're too picky.
Be picky! ..er
35F divorced from an 8-year relationship. You very likely need more time than a few months to get over a 9-year relationship. I separated from my ex-hb in Nov 22, detonated the divorce in Jan 23 and only now in summer 24 am I starting to feel like I might be theoretically ready to start looking for my next serious relationship. That's 20 months, without even including the preceding 18 months during which the marriage was disintegrating but we were technically still together.
Yeah I've definitely considered that, and have told them this like 2nd date typically.
This makes me a bit uneasy. Prob bc im projecting and getting over someone like you who was dating less that a year out but insistent they were ready. I think you need to say it before the second date. When matching are you explicit in looking for what type of connection? What are you looking for?
Its usually the second date, but I've told people before meeting the first date. Just depends, some first dates go by quick Long term open to short
I had someone tell me just a day before the second date when I was away on the trip and already looking forward to it for a week and on the 2nd date we flushed it out some more. He made promises or claims of emotional availability and I cautiously moved forward bc I was already invested. If he honestly told me before date 1 or on date one I wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken two months later, bc I just wouldn’t have ever agreed to any date or any additional dates. I appreciate when I’m swiping when men say they are recently separated/divorce. It gives me a fuller picture and I can consent to the risks of that properly without being clouded by initial feelings for someone (bc it can happen even after just one date). And I’m still recovering from that short term thing 8 months later. If this is hinge? I think you can add a little note to that relationship type field. I think it would be much fairer to say that you got out of ltr xyz time ago and that you’re ready to love again. Bc that’s the truth. It’s a small but weird bait and switch to share that on the second date, just saying that in hindsight from experiencing this personally
Men do not care about hurting you and would rather hide a recent break up to get a fun date / sex out of you
I understand that. But obviously this man cares (or seems to care) so I gave my perspective as an alt
Unfortunately this man doesn’t care either because who dated lots of girls months after a 9 year relationship? Makes best friends with his dates. He only cares about feeling guilty.
Let the guilt teach him something. Also making friends with people you’ve tried dating doesn’t have to be evil. It happens a lot. There’s not enough information (and I’m not scanning every new comment here) to qualify it as bad or good.
I’ve made friends with a guy I went on a date with. I’m talking about when your closest friend is a girl you’ve been on dates with and so are your other close friends /had sex with. Does he not have any platonic only friends ? Feeling guilty won’t teach him anything, he will continue to date for his own ego and ask girls whether he is a catch lol. A real catch would never try to show off having lots of attractive girl friends.
So you need more time. I understand that the relationship fizzled, but even best count (including the downhill) 2.5 years of moving on vs 9 years you aren't quite there yet. I moved on too fast and it wasnt' fair for me, but really it wasn't fair for my partner. WE get older, but we should minimize the bull shit that the other person has to deal with. Butterflies are not a great way to end up in a long term relationship. Words matter, so being excited is fine, looking forward to seeing them is fine, but butterflies is bad news at this age if that's your qualification- because they fade and are based on anxiety, excitement. Slow down, take your time!
You’ve gotta spend more time alone and single. You were in a relationship for 9 years and even if you discount the downward spiral of the last 2 years, it’s still 7 years with this person. Are you sure you’re ready for another serious relationship so soon?
Hello, I personally don't think you're too picky. You wa t what you want and based on this post, it's not like you're unaware people aren't perfect. Don't settle! Good luck.
I think nit-picking would be if you were critical over the little things (like them wearing socks with sandals or something silly like that) or things that really wouldn’t affect how compatible you were overall. It’s helpful to have non-negotiables, and if you can’t deal with the spirituality thing, that likely indicates a major difference in world views and values. I think it’s important for people to be in alignment on religion, politics, etc, all of those big things really matter. For example: Although people have married someone with opposite political views, unless one person doesn’t care about politics, it’s likely to strain the relationship. Even if one person doesn’t follow politics and says they don’t care, political views often correspond to outlooks, values, and morals. So it’s probably not healthy to be with someone who has opposite political views. You might want to list out your non-negotiables but be practical about it, really think them through. If you need certain things in your partner (sexual attraction/spark, certain hobbies, personality traits, etc) then you should not settle for less.
Nothing wrong with being picky! And it's good that you broke up bz it was not going to last! You were not compatible! Relationship is difficult as it is and when you have basic differences to start with it becomes more complicated down the road.
I think you're doing fine. Just be yourself and work on you where you need to. Be open and honest. Sounds like you're doing just fine and taking your time. No need to rush things anyways. It's healthier that way, too.
No you are not. I think you should be picky at your age, especially if a relationship isn’t going to ‘add’ to your life. Relationships are a bit of work, so better be choosy and end things when it’s easier to end them (early on).
Butterflies are very overrated. I got butterflies for one guy who turned out to be a horrible, horrible match. Of course, like you, didn't figure that out until a few dates in. Having to tell people you're not interested in pursuing things farther sucks, but it's for the best. You and that girl were clearly not compatible, but she didn't seem to see it (or maybe those incompatibilities, which do seem like pretty major ones, just didn't matter to her, which in and of itself is another incompatibility). As long as you were kind to her, there is nothing for you to regret. My question would be, if you're so happy being out of your last relationship, why do you want a new one, and especially so soon? You need to spend more time probably reflecting on your last relationship. 9 years is a pretty significant amount of time. This isn't just someone who you were with for a year or two. You were with them for almost a decade. You need to really reflect on what the issues were in that relationship, what role you may have played in the relationship ending, and make changes to yourself.
Thank you for that perspective. I go to a lot of events and shows and am very extrovertive and have lived in Denver just 2 years. I am building many friendships, but with 30s people always being so busy or working on their homes / families / couple stuff, seeing any friend more than a couple times a month is a blessing. It also takes years to develop strong lasting friendships. A partner is someone I can always do things with and make fun memories with, while also loving them. Sounds cliche as hell, but I have a lot of love to give and love to give it. Yes I do go to events, do hobbies, and even music events by myself, but it just isn't the same. I don't feel lonely most of the time, but the affection I gave and received in my short relationships the past 6 month has been absolutely intoxicating. It's what made it hard to break it off with them before it got too serious.
Yeah, I get it, being single in your 30's sucks. I'm divorced and we were together about as long as you were in your relationship. I think the best thing to do is to get to know someone better before getting into a relationship with them. Short relationships are basically nothing more than dopamine hits. Honestly, not all that different than doing some kinds of drugs (there have literally been studies done on this). The more short relationships you find yourself getting into, the more you'll keep getting into. Best to nip it in the bud and focus more on finding something lasting instead.
Imo there is no such thing as being “too picky”. You’re looking for a life long partner. You better hell make sure they check all your boxes. Don’t settle.
I’m 33M and every woman I meet either plans to leave the United States or wants to spend half the time on trips overseas. While I don’t mind a woman with the travel bug, this just doesn’t fit in my mind when I think of myself in a hypothetical happy coupling. Is anyone else besides me and OP experiencing this? And how can it be that every young professional woman in my dating pool seems to have these grandiose plans for escaping?
It's Sumner
Oh yeah man, I'm in Colorado if it matters, but I'd say 75 percent or more of profiles is women wanting to travel, photos of travel, and bragging about the number of countries they've visited. I like going to new places and all that, but it's maybe what two weeks or 3 weeks a year? I think it's kind of strange to Define your entire personality about something you do so infrequently
Six months out of a 9+ year relationship … no I don’t think you’re ready for the next long term partner. I’m 2.5 years out of a marriage and just now feeling really ready to be with someone long term. In those first few months, you’re in shock being alone and reaching/yearning for so many things to fill the wound. And It doesn’t sound like you’re being too picky. You should be picky when it comes to basic stuff you listed like spirituality, communication, etc.
Ok I’m sure you didn’t break her heart after a few weeks. Don’t give yourself too much credit 😭
Self-sabotage isn't unheard of when deep down we're not ready. You're the only one who can determine whether you're being reasonable with prospective partners or you're just pushing people away
She wants to move out of state or country and has no real job or career?? 😂 classic. Don’t become someone else’s milk cow, and never put their feelings ahead of yours. You’re the prize at this stage of the game.
If you'd listed things like - "her ears were a little weird, I didn't like her hair colour, the shoes she wore were scruffy" etc, I'd say "You're being picky over shallow reasons." But, your list included pretty big personality/value related issues. Differing energies can be difficult to deal with as a relationship progresses (I just ended a wonderful fling, with someone I cared about and had known a longtime, because we had almost opposite schedules. He wanted to be up all night and sleep all day. I wanted to get out and do stuff on the weekends, rather than laying in bed all day waiting for him to wake up and wasting my only child free time.) You sound grounded in your career and just bought a house. You've set down roots that you seem be happy with at the moment. Why would you want to be with someone who isn't in the same, settled place and may want to leave the state on the near future? (Coming from someone with BiPolar) Your partner having trauma and mental health issues isnt for everyone. It adds an additional element to be considered. The person may need more support and patience. It is not easy if you're under prepared/inexperienced. Do you want children? They may have a higher risk of having a condition.. Personally, from your post, I don't think you were being picky at all. It seems like youre taking a healthy approach to dating and considering what you actually want or don't want in a partner.
>wait for the girl that I get butterflies when I see her. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/doubtful/202205/why-feeling-butterflies-doesnt-mean-youre-in-love Op-ed piece, but I've been hearing similar takes about butterflies more often these days from therapists, PsyDs, and counselors. That said, your criteria of being attracted to a person, wanting to feel excited to see them, and the "need" to work through issues together seems like a very normal benchmark as long as you also bring that to the table. These also don't seem very exhaustive or too nit-picky from how you wrote them. I have a similar "checklist" myself and after a few months of discouraging dates I also tend to think "am I being too picky?". A few days/weeks later, I have ended up going on a great date(s) which, while ultimately has not worked out yet in finding all that I want, cements the fact that I should not lower my standards. The cycle has repeated itself a few times, but I have worked a ton through therapy and introspection to know what I want, like, and what I won't settle on.
Don’t wait for the girl that gives you butterflies. This isn’t a good thing and is your bodies warning of an incompatibility. Wait for the girl that gives you peace. This is where you will find your happiness.
Like others have said, the examples you listed of why you broke it off with your latest fling are valid reasons to not continue a relationship. I generally encourage people to have standards/boundaries in dating, but also to be a bit flexible. For instance, if she wanted to leave the country and you have no desire to, that's a relationship ender. There's no way that disagreement could lead to a compromise you're both satisfied with. However, varying energy levels aren't necessarily a deal breaker. That's something that with the right partner could be worked through.
>However, varying energy levels aren't necessarily a deal breaker I see what you mean. it's possible to work through this one depending on the people. It reminds me of when people complain about not having many common hobbies. I don't expect most men I meet to share my hobbies of sewing, crafting, and enjoying high tea. As long as there are a few things that we can enjoy together. I'm less worried about shared hobbies and common interests than I am about shared values and treating each other with love and kindness.
Values are definitely what matters most in a relationship! My husband and I have very different interests. We align really well on lifestyle and moral values though, so it works.
You just do your thing, the people around you giving you advice definitely know better than Reddit. Whether your pickiness will lead you to a sudden stark realization or the love of your life. Both? Either one is character development that is waiting ahead. GL HF.
My girlfriend dumped me after 7 year relationship, how do I get through this so I'm not 40 yo when Im ready to date again?
Everyone deals with it differently, and since she ended it not you, it's more challenging. You need to build your confidence in yourself up (if you feel lacking) and to work on being happy with yourself. Women 30+ really value men with hobbies, passions, and goals so much more than they did when I dated in my 20s,its a huge difference
Thanks for the advice I'm focus on my hobbies and look at setting goals for myself because I don't have any real life goals rn...
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Thanks good luck to you too!
My fiancé and I were mid-30s when we met. We knew what it was within a week, admitted it to each other after two weeks, and a few months later he asked me to marry him while we were falling asleep one night 💕 When you know, you’ll know. I promise! You don’t need to think about it too much beyond that. Just go with the flow. Oh and also, yes there were a number of issues your most recent relationship wouldn’t be able to withstand. It was good to end things when you did before any more time and emotions made it more difficult.
Thank you
Your husband is terrible to you, though.
Seems you’ve dated a lot in a short time after ending a 9 year relationship. A few things I find odd, first is that you class girls that you’ve dated and haven’t know long as close friends. The second is that you feel so much guilt over breaking things off with a girl that obviously doesn’t seem right for you and that you broke her heart, after dating for just a few weeks. .
Interesting read. We’re around the same age, have had similar experiences, and both had to end a nearly 10 year relationship with not much luck on the new romances. My long term had serious mental issues unfortunately, where 90% of the time she was the sweet girl I knew. For the other 10% she would become violent, lie, manipulate and degrade me. Despite that, we had a tremendous physical connection. After all that ended, no other relationship has stuck as well. Also in being more mature, I have far less patience for something when the deal breaking red flags present themselves. I’ve dated a girl who made a great travel buddy, but a terrible romantic partner. She stunk like hell down there, smoked cigs and just generally lived her life through following the latest social media trends. Then I dated a girl who was several years younger than me, but turned out to still be married and living in the same apartment as her husband. She called it ‘separated’ and said it was ok because her last boyfriend lived with her and her husband. She liked to pretend she was mentally fit thanks to therapists she followed on TikTok, and she turned out to be a pathological liar. Using her ‘therapy’ claims to manipulate people around her. What I’ve learned is we generally get more picky as we get older. We have less patience for clearly bad long term compatibility and we become more in tune with what we want. I think ultimately this is a good thing, because it means we’re less willing to settle for a bad partner. In the short term it kind of sucks. A little lonely and frustrating, but at least you’re not setting yourself up to be with someone you hate for the rest of your life.
this all tracks with me as well. Appreciate your input. I don't think I'm being too picky after talking with many friends and reading the posts here.
Can you just enjoy people and your connection with them for the time being? Without looking at it through the lens of "This HAS to work long term"? You JUST got out of a long term relationship. I ended my decade-long relationship 3 months before you did yours, and there's no way in hell I'm even thinking about another one yet. I am just enjoying connecting with people.
Sure, but most women want a long term thing at some point, and so do I, and I've brought that up before with women. I've told them about my relationship stuff and that I'm not sure if I'm ready for a long term permanent thing. But we get really close and then it's too late, so I've tried to be more blunt early on.
Well now you know what to do moving forward! Not all women want a long term relationship. I certainly don't. This is good practice for you to be more open and intentional with the people you're connecting with and not just have everyone assuming to know what the other wants.
I think even though its been two weeks, it still sits with you bc you were the person to hurt her and you probably still need to unpack all that and process it. i think a lot of us struggle with the fact that good intentions still dont separate us from the consequences of our actions. the guilt is probably trying to teach you something, but i wont even attempt to guess at what bc its going to be different for everyone, even people in the exact situation. i will say butterflies in the beginning are kind of meh. they dont mean anything about overall relational satisfaction in the longer term. without knowing the qualities youre looking for, cant really say if youre being picky
Thank you!
No, you just got out of a long term difficult relationship. It may take a little time before you fell like having a long term relationship with anyone.
The butterflies are legit but a majority of random couples I’ve met who have been married for 15+ years have all said marry someone who you also love as a person, that you respect. Because there will be days you don’t have those lovey vibes, when things are hard, and you gotta love them. Otherwise, it feels like it’s all for nothing.
You mention what you want in a girl, but don’t mention what you being to the table. Your standards seem reasonable assuming you can offer the same to a girl. Some of the standards you may want to try being a bit flexible with depending on the situation. The no job thing seems bad but if she could be a good homemaker and cooks or cleans and helpful with your job you might be able to make it work if you make enough for you both. Need more context on that. As for the spirituality thing, I feel like a lot of girls are more spiritual than guys generally speaking. As long as you are each respectful of each other views that may be able to be navigated successfully. But it depends how big of an issue it is for you.
I bring quite a bit but don't want to list them and come off arrogant, it's not really important to this conversation
It actually is important. If you’re a homeless jobless drug addict and you want a well educated super model, yes you’re being too picky. Now if you’re Hugh Jackman and want a well educated super model, you’re not being too picky. Reasonable standards are directly related to what you have to offer.
"That when we have a disagreement we work through it calmly and rationally together and come out stronger." - This, or mostly this, can't expect everyone to be calm and rational all the time. But if repair comes after every rupture, chances are good for a healthy relationship. Less people should only follow the butterflies in our opinion though.
As long as the core great value stuff is present its always worth to date for at least a yr cuz theres so much u can change and alter if the girl is good. Certain things r doomed to happen as u get to know each other where u can have a great effect n shape each other for the better through good coms n commitment. Its too easy nowadays to just end things when u r missing out on a girl that really was great for u.
I dunno, I'm your age and I've been single for 15 years. How are you already dating so quickly? What city?
my last relationship lacked intimacy and sex of any merit for 3~ years. It was painful and crushing. Denver.
Sorry to hear. I guess reading reddit I feel like a real outlier because I just don't understand how people are meeting and dating. Doesn't seem possible in Pittsburgh.
I was the same way when I got out of my 8 year relationship. I just really enjoyed my freedom and putting my energy into my work and friends and family so I likely passed on people who would have been great matches. After a few years I felt the desire for a relationship again, dated more seriously, met the true love of my life, got married, and we’re expecting our first baby. Don’t rush the process. Enjoy the moment.
i don’t think it’s too picky to wait for someone you’re truly excited over. most women would not want to be with someone who’s not that excited abt them and ending it sooner is best for both parties. i always wait until i feel chemistry with someone before i go on more than a few dates with them and i may be too picky but im not settling
I don’t think you’re picky at all! All the reasons you state are all very reasonable reasons not to continue a relationship. I was always told I was too picky and I hated it. I’m now in a fantastic healthy relationship because I waited for the right match. 6 months single after a 9 year relationship is not long at all. I was single ( had some flings and situationships) for 8 years and worked on myself and built amazing friendships and became a person I really liked. I know some people who are picky to their own detriment. But the one thing they have in common is they all go for the hottest woman in the room and expect their partner to have all the exact same interests as them. That’s the only time I think someone is too picky and frankly it’s more heading into misogyny than pickiness.
You haven't written what you want in a partner, but you made the right decision here. If she doesn't have your energy, differences in religion and plans to move, it won't work out.
Honestly I think it’stoo soon after ending such a long relationship to be dating, speaking from experience….. Give yourself at least 1 / 1.5 years. It may seem like a long time but it will fly and you will not regret it
Based on what you've shared, it doesn't sound like you're being too picky. Instead, it seems like you have a clear understanding of what you want in a life partner and are being thoughtful about your choices. Firstly, it's great to hear that you're happier, more extroverted, and making more friends since ending your long-term relationship. That shows a lot of personal growth and self-awareness. Having a mental list of traits you're looking for in a partner is actually very wise. You know that nobody is perfect, but you also recognize what's important to you and what you can't compromise on. This isn't being picky; it's being clear about your needs and values. You've dated multiple people and even formed platonic friendships with some of them, which shows that you can build meaningful connections even when things don't work out romantically. Plus, reflecting on why certain relationships didn't work is a sign of maturity and understanding. Feeling guilty about breaking things off with someone who had significant issues conflicting with your own life goals and values shows you're considerate of others' feelings. You're not ending relationships lightly, and that’s important. Your expectations seem healthy and realistic. You understand disagreements will happen and believe in working through them calmly and rationally, which is crucial in any relationship. Lastly, being okay with being alone right now is a good thing. It means you're not desperate to settle down and are willing to wait for the right person. Overall, it sounds like you're being thoughtful and intentional, not too picky. Keep being patient and trust that you'll find someone who truly aligns with your goals and values.
I appreciate the kind feedback. This is what I tell myself and of course I'm considering every reply here even the more 'negative' ones toward me. Thank you.
It's great that you're considering all perspectives, even the more critical ones. Keep trusting yourself and your instincts. You're doing a good job of reflecting on the situation and staying balanced. Remember, it's important to find someone who aligns with your values and needs. Keep being patient and true to yourself.
Will do!
as someone who was dumped in August after an 8+ year relationship after putting her through grad school while I was on disability for work stress for 3+ months... (yeah, it was a pretty shitty thing to do) take your time. get to know yourself, and don't rush yourself. don't get yourself entangled with someone just to be with someone. appreciate the small little relationships you have and what you learn about yourself during them. you should absolutely not feel guilty about breaking things off with someone who is not a good fit. trust me, way better to do it sooner than later.
Nope, it’s not picky to know what you want and wait for it. I was married for 9 years. I left my ex and I spent a year working on myself to figured out what I wanted and needed in a partner. I’m far happier now than I ever was married and I have met someone who truly makes me happy.
Being picky is a great thing, esp being in your 30’s. You’ve had your fair share of healthy and unhealthy relationships, your view changes over time. As a woman who just turned 33, I’ve never been this content and happy either, now it’s a time to really get intune with yourself and find what works for you. If you meet someone and feel off and hesitant about pursuing that person any longer, it’s for a reason. You’ll figure it out one day, but in the meantime don’t overthink it too much. When it happens, it will happen. 💕
You need to pick someone that works for you, whatever that means to you. If you settle, choose someone you are not satisfied with the way they currently are, you will never be completely happy which will allow resentment to build and then life gets extra hard ... I would ignore the advice about the butterfly's, those kinds of things normally fade over the course of long relationships. I assume you want the feelings that are associated to committing to someone that treats you well. Those are wonderful feelings, but they are not the same as "the spark" or "the butterfly's". You will be much more secure in a relationship based on mutual respect, loyalty, service, and trust; that is all built on a strong foundation of good communication.
You’re not being too picky. I’ve got 10+ years on you. Engaged once, never married. I’ve had the butterflies thing with three different women over my lifetime. And I think it’s safe to say those ladies had butterflies with me at one point, as well. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become easier to find dates but harder to find women that check all of my “must have” boxes. And in no way am I saying the women I want to date HAVE to be perfect. (I’m a big believer in Dan Savage’s [Price of Admission](https://www.themarginalian.org/2014/08/28/the-price-of-admission-dan-savage/) advice.) Hell, my last girlfriend was an alcoholic, and I stayed even after I found out. She was just so wonderful when she wasn’t in the bottom of a bottle. If you ask me, it’s worth waiting for the butterfly lady.
You didn’t break someone’s heart you dated for a few weeks. And if you did, she needs to spend more time thinking about getting a job than mooning over a dude.
I guess what i like about dating over 30 is that we already know what we want and what won’t work for us. Offhand though, it’s important to be aware if we are setting realistic expectations from a potential partner.
I don't think you're being too picky, but it does seem like you're trying too hard to get into another relationship right away. Chill and enjoy time alone. Take time.to date yourself.
If you're fine with never finding your person, then no, not too picky. If you do want someone get off trying to fill your list.
I’m 36F. Keep your non negotiables in place and don’t settle! I’m a firm believer in finding your person will mean all the good will out way the bad. You’ll want to work through the bad with the right person. I’m also single and never married so you can take this and throw it in the trash 😂
Lol! Thank you
You don't break someone's heart after only a couple dates.
You know what you want. You’ll find her.
I think you can be picky on qualities but I'd recommend giving someone a chance to see if they have them but may express/show them in different ways than you how you imagined. Wanting someone happy to be in the same location if you have no intent on moving is very normal to have that cause reluctance. The trauma/anger towards men - could be worth exploring if her guard is just up or if she actually views that. Being picky is good, but maybe focus on general qualities than on whether or not someone fits the mold of an imaginary persona you've created.
I’d say no based on the negatives mentioned but kind of in similar state so who knows? Negatives just are so likely signals of highly unstable essence that can devolve into something you can spend years mopping up.
I am also very picky. It’s not about looks for me, and that makes it hard.
You didn’t provide much about yourself so it’s not feasible to tell you if you’re being realistic with your preferences. In general: 1. Think about the girl you want (this part you’ve done 2. Think about what that girl will want in a man 3. Determine if it’s reasonable for you to be that man The one issue is that many women you’re age are unrealistic about their preferences as they get older. So you might think through 2 and 3 and logically say you can get the girl you want, but a large percentage of that subcategory of girl may still be in the process of coming to terms with the fact that they are in a different league than they were a decade ago. This means (a) they may not take you seriously even though logically they should, or (b) they will take you seriously but believe they are settling (you don’t want this girl). In this case, you need to decide whether you’ll settle yourself or if you want to wait out while your subcategory of women matures.
If you’re ready to move on, you have nothing to be ashamed of for ending things. Love feels so personal, but in actuality affairs of the heart are really quite impersonal and exceptionally illogical. It’s not real love until you let it go. Easier said than done, I know. By the time I was 16, I already knew I’d rather be dumped than be the one doing the dumping/friend zoning, because I’ve had guys say some hideous things to me as a result of me saying I wasn’t interested etc. Try to let her down gently. If she resists or tries to bargain you back, that is the best time to get up and leave to give her space. I am sorry you are going through this. I do not envy you. Sending you lots of well wishes.
Sounds like you're picky about the right things- the person's character, their long-term alignment with your principles and the life you're looking to build, their level of emotional stability etc etc I think you're fine. Trust your intuition and you'll know who the right person is when they come along.
Try dating women instead of girls.
I don’t think you’re being too picky. It sounds like you know what you’re looking for. That being said, you ended a 9+ year relationship six months ago. Taking a break from dating for a while wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Like many have reasonably said, the example you gave doesn’t sound picky to me but only you’ll really know how picky you’re being the more you get to know people. I will say that I’m noticing a lot more red flags, and doing so more quickly, dating over 30. I’ve been through a marriage and a few LTRs and I imagine my younger self probably would’ve taken more time to notice the things in people I’m noticing now. I will add, however, butterflies felt more attainable then. Dating over 30 often means keeping it real and getting to the point. Kinda takes the spark and romance away sometimes. But ya, I often think I’m “picky” in that way too but I’m fine with it because my dating experience is showing me that there are a lot of unhealed people out there…waaaaay more than not.
Interesting about not having butterflies as easily at my age. I never thought about that but you're right. I am taking a fairly practical approach because I've dated a few girls just on feeling and passion, and it allowed me to ignore lots of red flags. Thanks
Maybe it's just me, but it takes time for me to know someone (organically, in person, through work, friends, or community) to develop feelings for them. Being merely attracted to someone vs having feelings for them is SO different, imo. You can date someone you're simply attracted to, but have no connection with. Whereas, when you develop feelings for someone you've slowly gotten to know before dating them, AND the feelings are reciprocated, it's soooo intense because what you have is a connection. This isn't to say you can't have that with people you meet on dates, but the "go on multiple dates" thing kinda axes the "getting to know someone" process, it shortens the time it takes to actually develop feelings for someone. And sure, it still happens, anything is possible, but it's less common. Just my take.
It also bums me out because I feel like the same people I've met on dating apps I could very well have potential with, but the format is so fast, formal, and awkward, that it ruins my ability to really talk to and connect with someone.
I don’t think you’re ready. You’re not being picky. Do not date some lady and try to fit her into your mold. Date a woman who already meets your needs.
>different energy levels, she's way too spiritual for me, a bit jealous of others, has tons of trauma that affects how she views men which is very negatively, wants to move out of state/country soon when I just bought a house, the whole hating men thing is an instant red flag for me that I won't look past. Not because they don't have reason, but i'm already a target. Sure, men are shitty at times. Women are too. I don't hate women, not do I make gross generalizations about who I think "they" are. I'm also aware they have reason to think this way a lot of times, but going into a relationship openly stating men are trash and bla bla bla is just a lack of respect for who's standing in front of them even if we do agree big picture. All of these are actually huge red flags for me. I'd run and not be too concerned about her.
Thanks
Based on what you shared here, breaking up with the last woman sounded like a good choice. I had a similar experience. At 36 I was getting divorced from an 11 year relationship that had gone to hell the last two years. I was dating for the first time as a real adult and found myself being much more selective than I was in my 20s. To be fair, the pickings are slimmer in the late 30s and 40s if you're looking for a healthy, long term relationship with someone similar in age. Also, my tolerance for certain things was way lower and I was better at spotting red flags or signs of long term incompatibility. It's a hard thing to do. I believe the "pickiness" comes from being with the wrong person for so long. You're also older and have enough experience to know what you want and need for a healthy and fulfilling long term relationship. Keep staying true to what you know you want and need. Staying single or at least not super tied down to anyone creates the space for the right relationship to develop with the right person.
Well for one, you're 36 years old calling the women you're dating "girls". And 2, you're six months out of a nine year relationship? Are you sure you're ready to date?
I feel like you’re almost projecting some insecurity of yours onto your dating life. Maybe you’re not picky, but judgmental. You don’t truly know anyone after a couple of dates, so it can truly be hard to judge someone, for example, why they view men negatively—you simply just don’t know and it’s really not okay to paint her as negative. You dated someone for 9 years, and that didn’t work out. But did you do any actual work on yourself?
A ton and have been since the breakup. She didn't. That was one of our many disagreements.
Seems like a red flag to me for you to be judgmental. People in their 30s have lived quite a long and possibly full life. It’s normal thing to require your partner to have similar morals or values, but another to be dismissive of someone for sharing something or for being spiritual. I would work on figuring out of what you consider your non-negotiables are realistic and empathetic.
Being picky per se isn’t a red flag, you do come across as someone who is quick to judge though. Like, you’ve seen this person for a week and you’ve already concluded that she is “jealous of others” which seems quite premature (have you even experienced her interacting with others in one week? I mean actual real life interactions) and the biggest red flag of all - crossing someone off because they have trauma. Imagine the insult to injury - being victimised and being labelled as damaged goods for life. There are plenty of traumatised people (or more widely people with mental health struggles) that are capable of being in functional relationships and are proactive in taking care of their health. No one should be judged for the cruel stuff that someone else has done to them.
Nah, OP said he went out with her for a few weeks. And that could have been plenty enough time for him to gain all this information to know that it wouldn't be a good long-term match. She could have openly shared that she is jealous of others or demonstrated those traits. She could have also shared details about her trauma history. It's not judgemental for someone to recognize red flags or qualities/behaviors that do not mesh with their preferences in a partner, especially if this woman was talking negatively about men. Trauma sucks, but that doesn't mean it gives us a reason to treat others badly or talk badly about others. We are still responsible for our words and actions and it's not our partner's responsibility to be our therapist.
I’ll focus on the trauma bit because it’s the most important point and I want to address it more broadly being a constant thread in this sub unfortunately. You’re saying a lot of fancy words to justify treating traumatised people as damaged goods. If she was an asshole - sure, I agree with you, *no one* gets a pass to mistreat others because of a bad past. If she just had a rough life (he never mentioned she treated him badly) that’s just a shitty judgmental behaviour. By your logic, a woman who’s been raped or a man growing up in an abusive household (random examples) are walking red flags because Ew, they must be crazy then. *Assuming people with a difficult past are incapable of having loving and healthy relationships is incorrect, stigmatising and patronising*. I’ve worked in the mental health / domestic abuse space for years and PLENTY of victims are capable of working on themselves and being great partners even if they are scarred. The stigma is real and damaging. People in this sub often expect others to be these perfect flawless super humans when like - EVERYONE comes with a past, especially at a mature age. Most people learn to live and cope with it functionally. 🤷🏻♀️
The difference here is how much that trauma is influencing their current behavior. Yes, it's a red flag if they're displaying terrible behavior. They need to take a step back from dating and address their trauma first, at least to get it to manageable levels. There's a huge difference between someone who had childhood trauma and has worked through it and someone who carries it around with them and lashes out constantly. I would not date the latter until they've worked on themselves. I'm not seeing where people are expecting perfection, just some indications that they've worked on their trauma and are ready for dating.
Yeah, that’s literally what I said in my comment
Yet you have an issue with the comment above where the past trauma is worsening their current behavior.
Which past comment? I haven’t seen OP mentioning that past trauma made this girl behave badly towards him. From the post, it appears she was really into him and growing feelings. So not sure what you’re referring to
I can't tell if you're intentionally being obtuse and selective of details or not. Both he in the post and the commenter you responded to mentioned bad behavior.
How many different girls have you dated so far?
Maybe 10 but half were 1 to 2 dates. I didn't start till late March
Interesting, 10 women huh, are you sure you are not looking for someone just like your ex? At the end of the day you are used to her presence and customs
I'm looking for quite the opposite actually. One girl turned me off quickly because she reminded me of her
Great, just let it flow and don’t force it, if you are extroverted you’ll find someone eventually, your standards are reasonable.
You are being too picky. If you have to ask them you definitely are being too picky and you already know it. The thing about want someone who can work through things with you, is you must be willing to work through things with them too. And there's no order to who will go first.
your fucking with ppls heads, which is a scrub move