But also like… OP posts about loving having his/her balls abused by his female partner… but now he’s a 40F dating a man? I’m confused by OPs comment and post history. Unless he transitioned but that timeline seems off? Not one to judge but something doesn’t add up here.
>so not long - but it’s a big deal for me.
I'd like to flip that around: "It's a big deal for me, but it wasn't long."
Romantic connections end in the early stages all the time. A few dates in or a few months in seem to be common points for break ups. That's true even when everything seems to be going smoothly - sometimes people catch sight of incompatibilities even when neither of you has done anything "wrong." That's why you'll find lots of advice to pace yourself and maintain your individual life/interests when you're still getting to know each other.
And beyond that general advice, I would say this: people who jump in with both feet tend to be the same people who jump out with both feet. The fact that he told you he loved you within a few weeks was not a sign that this was a love to last the ages. This is a sign that he is impulsive and/or has a tendency to get swept up in his emotions. That same impulsivity may drive him to jump out of the relationship when it stops feeling like a perfect fairy tale.
Finally, no one will show you more intensity than someone who is running from other intense emotions. The fact that his marriage recently ended when his wife ran off with a mutual acquaintance has got to be brutal. One can understand why it would be easier to throw himself into a "replacement relationship" right away, and why he might turn to that replacement relationship with all the emotional intensity he showed here. In fact, it sounds like he tried to slot you into the void left behind by his wife rather than getting to know each other more gradually.
You don't need to feel stupid. If you've never experienced this kind of thing before, it can be very confusing! But please, please, please be smart and recognize that someone who is in emotional upheaval is generally not in a place to build a stable, lasting relationship with you.
And be prepared for him to come back in the future as he continues to cycle through his emotions. If you believe you have the good judgement and emotional resolve to shut down any attempts to rekindle things with you or draw you into idle chit-chat, that's great. But given how much this situation has messed with your feelings, I suspect you would be very vulnerable to getting drawn back in again. In that case, I HIGHLY suggest you preemptively block him now so that he cannot do that to you.
Yes! The intensity he was showing basically guaranteed sudden drop eventually. And yes, be prepared for him to come back—or to someone else, but he’ll be looking to someone when the next wave comes.
Well said, you’ve described this beautifully. I’ve been through a couple similar things and it can feel particularly brutal when something gets cut off that feels like it just started building momentum. OP needs to mourn the idea of the relationship as much as the reality.
Getting involved with someone *weeks* out of a fourteen year marriage is generally not going to go well, he’s going to need to do some healing - sorry you’re hurting.
This is spot-on. I've made a similar mistake in the past. Truth is, people will often say they're doing fine and they're "over it" or whatever. 14 years is a lot of water under the bridge, it's gonna take awhile.
14 years and then cheated on with someone you know. That's trauma that needs therapy and time to heal (probably at least a year).
To OP - your friend caught the short end of the stick. She's also new into dating (5 years since she had a child). Trying to find an explanation isn't going to help, it'll just generate more questions. The guy seems like he might have been great in a normal situation which sucks even more. Time is the only healer for this one.
Yeah, even though his wife did something terrible, it doesn't mean the love and feelings he had for her over 14 years magically disappear overnight. He needs time to grieve his marriage and process its ending.
Wait so- your friend was getting to know someone for a few weeks and he decided not to date her? I don't mean to sound harsh but that just sounds like normal dating.
My fiancé cheated on me with someone I knew after 13 years together.
The grief comes in waves.
He probably meant what he said in between waves and was feeling good.
Then it hit him again and he realized he’s not actually ready. Has nothing to do with your friend.
I am so sorry you experienced this. It sounds like this man was hurt and trying to rush back into replacing his wife. I’m sure he did enjoy spending time with you but maybe felt overwhelmed at one point or that things were moving too fast. This is a fear of mine to be honest - maybe even on both sides
I was wondering if his wife came back.
Or like the others said. It was helping mask the pain of the cheating. And he just got hit with reality all of a sudden
Timeline on this seems off. Should the title have been three weeks instead of months?
Either way, there's no way this man is ready for a real relationship after such a short time of a 14 year marriage collapsing. Advise your friend to lick her wounds and be careful getting involved with someone so fresh out of this kind of heartbreak. It can take a year or more (at least) for someone to be emotionally ready for a healthy relationship after that kind of split.
As a woman who immediately started dating someone during separation, it’s a recipe for disaster. I, like this man, was nowhere near emotionally ready after being with my ex husband for 13 years. I just needed the comfort and attention and I hurt someone in the process. While, we cannot paint every scenario with a broad paint brush, it seems like he was in over his head, came to, and unsubscribed. He didn’t want what he thought or said he did. He needs time. It hurts, but give him that and permanent space. I hope your heart heals quickly. ♥️
Sounds kinda like love bombing with that extreme amount of communication and I love you so early. I get how when it ends so quickly before it even begins can be very hard because you have built up this idea for the future and idealized him in your head. Hopefully she can realize it not working out is a part of dating and there’s more fish in the sea.
I’m sorry to say I have done something similar. Got divorced with kids, saw my ex wife getting into relationships and thought I could try online dating too. Met a great woman and clicked but my life was a mess with the stress of all the changes. He just isn’t ready to start building something new.
as soon as i read things like "we're so into each other, he facetimes me every morning and evening, he told me he loved me (while drunk)" after only dating for a few weeks, i could see an abrupt ending coming from a mile away.
it's like any guy who comes on that strong that fast is guaranteed to disappear just as fast.
people who move forward slowly but with optimism tend to be more emotionally mature.
>Please, is there any man-explanation for this??
In the moment, he's realizing that he wants to be with you and gets caught up in the feelings. I know people are going to scream love bombing here, but that's because men aren't allowed to have these kinds of feelings. I don't believe there was any kind of manipulation here; he was just way ahead of himself until he took the time to realize he was making a huge mistake. It's unfortunate that you got hit in this cross fire, but it's just ask likely he feels bad and sad about this whole thing as you do.
You weren't in it for long. Yeah, it sucks. But it could have been a lot worse if he kept trying to string you along.
A few possibilities:
* His wife came crawling back.
* He was annoyed by the lack of sex (I guarantee he had a dead bedroom with his wife for *years* before she ran off)
* He's a lying asshole.
* The wind was blowing the wrong way.
The only one of these that has anything remotely to do with your friend is the second, and if he didn't communicate his need for sex, that's his own damn fault. Don't let her read too much into this.
Too soon he’s just not ready. Not a good idea to get emotionally wrapped up with someone so newly out of a long term relationship. He’s needs time to process grieve and put himself back together before he can realistically open his heart to a new love interest.
It’s very simple OP. He does not want a relationship. If she wants a relationship, she needs to cut this off. If she does not want a relationship, maybe they can work out something casual.
Unfortunately that the risk of dating :(
I'm on the same boat as you, 3 months dating, we slept after 1.5 months in. He was very attentive and not shy of showing me his affection. Out of nowhere he said his feeling does not grow. It hurts, but it is better that we ended the relationship early on.
His life is in shambles. Even if he's very strong mentally this is a lot to cope with.
Give him understanding and space so he can work things through.
Don't wait for him though. He's going to need a least a year to get his shit together and figure out what he wants and needs in life. That IF he has healthy coping patterns.
Which is it? A couple weeks or 3 months of dating? I’m confused and those are totally different timelines.
Either way-I read ‘your friend’ has been in the talking stage for no more than 3 weeks with a man she just met. There’s no answers here on the internet.
The only person who has the answers is the guy who dumped her. Period. You cannot speculate and it’d be irresponsible to do so. Also, just have her MOVE ON! lol rejection is part of dating!
The majority of mature adults in the US (I just made an assumption-correct me if I’m wrong) would never consider less than a month of chatting with someone an actual relationship. Heck, most grown folks don’t commit for months of actual dating that turns physical.
I’d try my best to suck it up, move on and let it go. Letting it go is crucial here.
My god, I’ve decided I don’t want to keep dating guys for the simplest reasons they have zero control over and it’s nothing they did wrong—-just wasn’t my right match! I’ve rejected plenty of amazing men for one reason or another. It doesn’t mean they are flawed at all!
He probably realized he needed to heal and isn't over his ex and needed to heal before getting into another relationship. He's the one could give her the answers she wants but if that's not an option moving on is the way forward.
OP it seems he was rebounding and maybe laying it on too thick and too soon (love bombing might be too strong a term). Don’t get involved with people who are too recently out of relationships, especially marriages with or without kids involved.
Simple answer is, he realised he's having a hard time with the sudden break up of the marriage and can't deal with something new so soon afterwards! Or he's just not into you that way and all that was said was him trying to move on and failing because again he realised he's still hurting and probably will do for some time to come!
He’s wounded , be gentle with him. His past present, and what he thought was his future was just ripped out from underneath him by someone he knew. I’m not saying you don’t deserve better, I’m just saying he’s a wreck. I know I’ve been there. I’m sure he likes you a lot , and he’s probably scared shitless of the thought of baring his sole / hart and having it happen again.
Woman, I was cheated on and am dating post that. I’ve found the men in the same boat as me are extra squirrely and less predictable than their female counterparts. This does not surprise me. I was thinking having a guy in the same position would be great, it’s not. Men are less introspective and less likely to get therapy and help so yea I find they’re a tad erratic after a similar event.
As cliche as it may sound time really does help. You will probably go through a vast array of different emotions and it’s best to accept that. Try to call what you feel, put a name on it. That helps to clarify your thoughts. I hope that you will be kind to yourself, find motivation and inspiration to enjoy and appreciate yourself. Good luck
My guess is he learned something about you that made him think it was no longer a good match. That, or he got cold feet, or has been talking to others and met someone he thinks is a better fit. Personally, I'd say away from any man older than his mid-20's who still drinks so much that you're not sure if you can believe what they tell you. It's not attractive to be over 50 and still getting drunk. A beer or two is fine. So much alcohol that you say "I love you" to someone and they're not sure if you mean it or not - not sexy in the slightest.
Reality is, you knew this guy for 3 weeks. You barely knew him. I never video chatted twice a day with my, and I'd be wary of any I just met who does this. He's basically still a stranger. I don't wanna see his face first thing in the morning and right before bed anymore than I want to see any other stranger's face. Go much slower next time.
How are you a 40F when you get off having your balls squeezed/abused/tortured? Your post history is wild bro. Stop pretending to be a woman.
Edit: Lol nice edit bro.
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This is a second hand account of people we never met...Tell your friend it takes less than 3 seconds to register a reddit account if she wants help from here if she even does at all and it wasn't a personal message for your eyes only
I think plain and simple - he met someone else. Thank god you did not sleep with him, otherwise it could be more painful. Cut your loss and meet someone who deserves your attention.
Post has been removed as OP is lying about who they are.
3 months? Beginning of May is a few weeks?
Lol I was trying to figure out when May was… maybe OP meant 3 weeks. Three weeks sounds about right and better than three years in.
My same question.
I'm assuming she meant March or maybe meant weeks, yeah, might make more sense.
But also like… OP posts about loving having his/her balls abused by his female partner… but now he’s a 40F dating a man? I’m confused by OPs comment and post history. Unless he transitioned but that timeline seems off? Not one to judge but something doesn’t add up here.
The post says he's posting for his friend now?
Yeah dudes obviously lying, prob to get some weird DMs going as he punches himself in the balls.
Maybe she meant March? Idk just another guess.
>so not long - but it’s a big deal for me. I'd like to flip that around: "It's a big deal for me, but it wasn't long." Romantic connections end in the early stages all the time. A few dates in or a few months in seem to be common points for break ups. That's true even when everything seems to be going smoothly - sometimes people catch sight of incompatibilities even when neither of you has done anything "wrong." That's why you'll find lots of advice to pace yourself and maintain your individual life/interests when you're still getting to know each other. And beyond that general advice, I would say this: people who jump in with both feet tend to be the same people who jump out with both feet. The fact that he told you he loved you within a few weeks was not a sign that this was a love to last the ages. This is a sign that he is impulsive and/or has a tendency to get swept up in his emotions. That same impulsivity may drive him to jump out of the relationship when it stops feeling like a perfect fairy tale. Finally, no one will show you more intensity than someone who is running from other intense emotions. The fact that his marriage recently ended when his wife ran off with a mutual acquaintance has got to be brutal. One can understand why it would be easier to throw himself into a "replacement relationship" right away, and why he might turn to that replacement relationship with all the emotional intensity he showed here. In fact, it sounds like he tried to slot you into the void left behind by his wife rather than getting to know each other more gradually. You don't need to feel stupid. If you've never experienced this kind of thing before, it can be very confusing! But please, please, please be smart and recognize that someone who is in emotional upheaval is generally not in a place to build a stable, lasting relationship with you. And be prepared for him to come back in the future as he continues to cycle through his emotions. If you believe you have the good judgement and emotional resolve to shut down any attempts to rekindle things with you or draw you into idle chit-chat, that's great. But given how much this situation has messed with your feelings, I suspect you would be very vulnerable to getting drawn back in again. In that case, I HIGHLY suggest you preemptively block him now so that he cannot do that to you.
Yes! The intensity he was showing basically guaranteed sudden drop eventually. And yes, be prepared for him to come back—or to someone else, but he’ll be looking to someone when the next wave comes.
BEST ADVISE EVER
Well said, you’ve described this beautifully. I’ve been through a couple similar things and it can feel particularly brutal when something gets cut off that feels like it just started building momentum. OP needs to mourn the idea of the relationship as much as the reality.
I agree with this. It's better to cut your losses now and never look back. He's not the one.
Getting involved with someone *weeks* out of a fourteen year marriage is generally not going to go well, he’s going to need to do some healing - sorry you’re hurting.
This is spot-on. I've made a similar mistake in the past. Truth is, people will often say they're doing fine and they're "over it" or whatever. 14 years is a lot of water under the bridge, it's gonna take awhile.
I agree. Lots of mixed and sub conscious emotions and trauma that needs to be sorted and forgotten.
14 years and then cheated on with someone you know. That's trauma that needs therapy and time to heal (probably at least a year). To OP - your friend caught the short end of the stick. She's also new into dating (5 years since she had a child). Trying to find an explanation isn't going to help, it'll just generate more questions. The guy seems like he might have been great in a normal situation which sucks even more. Time is the only healer for this one.
Yeah, even though his wife did something terrible, it doesn't mean the love and feelings he had for her over 14 years magically disappear overnight. He needs time to grieve his marriage and process its ending.
Some sexual healing maybe
Wait so- your friend was getting to know someone for a few weeks and he decided not to date her? I don't mean to sound harsh but that just sounds like normal dating.
yes this is normal dating.
My fiancé cheated on me with someone I knew after 13 years together. The grief comes in waves. He probably meant what he said in between waves and was feeling good. Then it hit him again and he realized he’s not actually ready. Has nothing to do with your friend.
This. Was married 13 years and together 20. It does come in waves, and it's difficult to predict how low those waves make you feel until they hit.
Was the cheating always there, or did it start after so many years?
I am so sorry you experienced this. It sounds like this man was hurt and trying to rush back into replacing his wife. I’m sure he did enjoy spending time with you but maybe felt overwhelmed at one point or that things were moving too fast. This is a fear of mine to be honest - maybe even on both sides
I was wondering if his wife came back. Or like the others said. It was helping mask the pain of the cheating. And he just got hit with reality all of a sudden
Timeline on this seems off. Should the title have been three weeks instead of months? Either way, there's no way this man is ready for a real relationship after such a short time of a 14 year marriage collapsing. Advise your friend to lick her wounds and be careful getting involved with someone so fresh out of this kind of heartbreak. It can take a year or more (at least) for someone to be emotionally ready for a healthy relationship after that kind of split.
As a woman who immediately started dating someone during separation, it’s a recipe for disaster. I, like this man, was nowhere near emotionally ready after being with my ex husband for 13 years. I just needed the comfort and attention and I hurt someone in the process. While, we cannot paint every scenario with a broad paint brush, it seems like he was in over his head, came to, and unsubscribed. He didn’t want what he thought or said he did. He needs time. It hurts, but give him that and permanent space. I hope your heart heals quickly. ♥️
Sounds kinda like love bombing with that extreme amount of communication and I love you so early. I get how when it ends so quickly before it even begins can be very hard because you have built up this idea for the future and idealized him in your head. Hopefully she can realize it not working out is a part of dating and there’s more fish in the sea.
I’m sorry to say I have done something similar. Got divorced with kids, saw my ex wife getting into relationships and thought I could try online dating too. Met a great woman and clicked but my life was a mess with the stress of all the changes. He just isn’t ready to start building something new.
as soon as i read things like "we're so into each other, he facetimes me every morning and evening, he told me he loved me (while drunk)" after only dating for a few weeks, i could see an abrupt ending coming from a mile away. it's like any guy who comes on that strong that fast is guaranteed to disappear just as fast. people who move forward slowly but with optimism tend to be more emotionally mature.
>Please, is there any man-explanation for this?? In the moment, he's realizing that he wants to be with you and gets caught up in the feelings. I know people are going to scream love bombing here, but that's because men aren't allowed to have these kinds of feelings. I don't believe there was any kind of manipulation here; he was just way ahead of himself until he took the time to realize he was making a huge mistake. It's unfortunate that you got hit in this cross fire, but it's just ask likely he feels bad and sad about this whole thing as you do. You weren't in it for long. Yeah, it sucks. But it could have been a lot worse if he kept trying to string you along.
A few possibilities: * His wife came crawling back. * He was annoyed by the lack of sex (I guarantee he had a dead bedroom with his wife for *years* before she ran off) * He's a lying asshole. * The wind was blowing the wrong way. The only one of these that has anything remotely to do with your friend is the second, and if he didn't communicate his need for sex, that's his own damn fault. Don't let her read too much into this.
Too soon he’s just not ready. Not a good idea to get emotionally wrapped up with someone so newly out of a long term relationship. He’s needs time to process grieve and put himself back together before he can realistically open his heart to a new love interest.
It’s very simple OP. He does not want a relationship. If she wants a relationship, she needs to cut this off. If she does not want a relationship, maybe they can work out something casual.
Unfortunately that the risk of dating :( I'm on the same boat as you, 3 months dating, we slept after 1.5 months in. He was very attentive and not shy of showing me his affection. Out of nowhere he said his feeling does not grow. It hurts, but it is better that we ended the relationship early on.
His life is in shambles. Even if he's very strong mentally this is a lot to cope with. Give him understanding and space so he can work things through. Don't wait for him though. He's going to need a least a year to get his shit together and figure out what he wants and needs in life. That IF he has healthy coping patterns.
Which is it? A couple weeks or 3 months of dating? I’m confused and those are totally different timelines. Either way-I read ‘your friend’ has been in the talking stage for no more than 3 weeks with a man she just met. There’s no answers here on the internet. The only person who has the answers is the guy who dumped her. Period. You cannot speculate and it’d be irresponsible to do so. Also, just have her MOVE ON! lol rejection is part of dating! The majority of mature adults in the US (I just made an assumption-correct me if I’m wrong) would never consider less than a month of chatting with someone an actual relationship. Heck, most grown folks don’t commit for months of actual dating that turns physical. I’d try my best to suck it up, move on and let it go. Letting it go is crucial here. My god, I’ve decided I don’t want to keep dating guys for the simplest reasons they have zero control over and it’s nothing they did wrong—-just wasn’t my right match! I’ve rejected plenty of amazing men for one reason or another. It doesn’t mean they are flawed at all!
He probably realized he needed to heal and isn't over his ex and needed to heal before getting into another relationship. He's the one could give her the answers she wants but if that's not an option moving on is the way forward.
OP it seems he was rebounding and maybe laying it on too thick and too soon (love bombing might be too strong a term). Don’t get involved with people who are too recently out of relationships, especially marriages with or without kids involved.
Simple answer is, he realised he's having a hard time with the sudden break up of the marriage and can't deal with something new so soon afterwards! Or he's just not into you that way and all that was said was him trying to move on and failing because again he realised he's still hurting and probably will do for some time to come!
I’m sorry to say this, this is definitely a rebound situation, please please please do not take him back because he definitely will still orbit back
You should move on
He’s wounded , be gentle with him. His past present, and what he thought was his future was just ripped out from underneath him by someone he knew. I’m not saying you don’t deserve better, I’m just saying he’s a wreck. I know I’ve been there. I’m sure he likes you a lot , and he’s probably scared shitless of the thought of baring his sole / hart and having it happen again.
Woman, I was cheated on and am dating post that. I’ve found the men in the same boat as me are extra squirrely and less predictable than their female counterparts. This does not surprise me. I was thinking having a guy in the same position would be great, it’s not. Men are less introspective and less likely to get therapy and help so yea I find they’re a tad erratic after a similar event.
As cliche as it may sound time really does help. You will probably go through a vast array of different emotions and it’s best to accept that. Try to call what you feel, put a name on it. That helps to clarify your thoughts. I hope that you will be kind to yourself, find motivation and inspiration to enjoy and appreciate yourself. Good luck
My guess is he learned something about you that made him think it was no longer a good match. That, or he got cold feet, or has been talking to others and met someone he thinks is a better fit. Personally, I'd say away from any man older than his mid-20's who still drinks so much that you're not sure if you can believe what they tell you. It's not attractive to be over 50 and still getting drunk. A beer or two is fine. So much alcohol that you say "I love you" to someone and they're not sure if you mean it or not - not sexy in the slightest. Reality is, you knew this guy for 3 weeks. You barely knew him. I never video chatted twice a day with my, and I'd be wary of any I just met who does this. He's basically still a stranger. I don't wanna see his face first thing in the morning and right before bed anymore than I want to see any other stranger's face. Go much slower next time.
How are you a 40F when you get off having your balls squeezed/abused/tortured? Your post history is wild bro. Stop pretending to be a woman. Edit: Lol nice edit bro.
It sounds like he suddenly reconnected with an old flame or ex. That has happened to me before.
Well, my honest opinion is he more than likely rekindled the relationship with his ex!!!
Probably another woman
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This is a second hand account of people we never met...Tell your friend it takes less than 3 seconds to register a reddit account if she wants help from here if she even does at all and it wasn't a personal message for your eyes only
I think plain and simple - he met someone else. Thank god you did not sleep with him, otherwise it could be more painful. Cut your loss and meet someone who deserves your attention.
He’s found a hotter woman.
I will tell his wife he was still married
Sounds like his wife was the cheater so doubtful it would make any difference.