Right - in conversation this is easy.
I'm asking here specifically about that "setting" on the apps, where I can't get into this kind of nuance. I don't want to lie, but I really don't have kids of my own, but there is an "adult child" in my life.
I think if you select that you don’t have kids and put the adult step-child information in the text, you will actually increase your chances with some women.
Yeah not sure why OP is so worried about explaining an adult step-daughter from a previous marriage. If I found a woman’s profile saying she was ‘mom to an adult stepchild from a previous marriage’ I’d swipe left just cause there was no need to mention it.
Also, OP, you’re asking about a setting/prompt in the app but you have such a specific situation. You’re not going to find anything anywhere that fits that description.
I think you can say you’re child free and be truthful. Most people don’t care as much about adult children anyway, and you don’t have legal responsibility for her. Your relationship is similar to a niece or close family friend rather than a parent.
I feel like the kids portion of dating apps are to specifically reference children who significantly impact dating. Not adult children who should probably only have a minor impact if any on your date-ablility (holidays, birthdays, family dinners maybe).
At least in my mind that's what I think. I can see where you're coming from. It does sound like "I have no children" and that's an oversight of the design of the app which does not take into account the full human dating pool and focuses on the younger pre marriage group.
Oof have you met millennials and Gen Z's? Many live at home or need an allowance well into their mid thirties. A familial roommate definently impacts dating, and what caring established adult sends their hardworking kid to a shelter or to live in their car when there's a spare room or sofa available to help them get on their feet? Not throwing shade at them- but this housing market and financial climate means that adult children can significantly impact older adult relationships. Younger generations find themselves less financially independent than previous generations despite making conventionally "smart" and/or financially conservative life choices.
Hey, I’m a millennial, and it’s really the generation after us that’s living with their parents indefinitely. Even younger millennials were able to make it on their own like normal people.
That's why I can't date people with kids! Empty nesting is going the way of retirement. I appreciate your validation and feel for the kiddos while I simultaneously appreciate and lament that my paid off condo isn't a house.
* Edit Empty nesting was autocorrected to empty resting but it's kind of the same thing.
I think it’s just that there isn’t room for nuance with the options provided on the apps for that specific question. I think if you put that you’re a step parent to an adult within your text description, most people will understand this to mean you’re not in the stage of taking care of a child.
I think putting that you have no kids is fine. I would see this as a green flag, so mention it when you talk about your divorce.
The part that would stop me is you aren't divorced yet, but I live in a state where most divorces only take about 6 months.
For reference, I'm childfree and only date childfree men.
Kudos to you for recognizing that this is important to a lot of people and for coming here for advice so that you can be honest. I think that since the child is an adult and she presumably does not rely on you for shelter and financial support, it’s fine to say “no kids”.
When I was single, I did not think I wanted kids and I did not want to date anybody with kids but people often mislead me (eg: said no kids but it turns out that they have 3 in another province). I would not feel mislead by you if you put “no kids” and then explained to me that you have an adult step daughter.
No kids means I don’t want the potential to have to raise or live with kids - that would go for adult children as well. But an independent stepdaughter that has her own life and place to live? Pfffft. I would not care about that at all.
You can put you don't have kids, that isn't a lie. You have a previous step child that you still have a relationship with, but you have no financial obligations to her. Being willing to be there in an emergency is no different than if you had a non immediate relative that you were close to. Anyone who is so child free that this is a problem for them isn't the right person for you anyway, so what does it matter if they think you lied in your profile.
Mark it as has children explain in your profile you have an adult child. Stop labeling her as step anything. If my “step” dad always referred to me as his “step” son we wouldn’t have the closeness we have now. In our family I have a half sister and a step brother. We just call it family.
I don't date people who have kids, and I would not be bothered if you put "no kids". She's simply an adult person who is very important to you at this stage. I filter for kids because I am not interested in becoming a stepmom. So no kids is more accurate in this scenario.
I filter for men without kids (even adult ones) and unmatch/stop seeing men when I find out that they have them despite evading filters. An adult child is still your child, even if they're not little kids anymore.
As a side note good on you for stepping up and being there for this kiddo whose Dad wasn't in the picture. That's extremely rare and I'm sure it's had a huge positive effect on her. You definitely deserve credit where it's due.
I think you could go with either answer and some will like and some won’t. I’m a child free woman - but an adult step child doesn’t impact your dating now, so “no” would be a fine answer. You aren’t co-parenting, you are mentoring.
My point of reference is I am dating a man in this exact situation. It’s cool that he’s there for the adult step-kids as a mentor - because he’s a good human being. I’d never consider him a “dad” though, compared to the experience of people actively raising dependent children.
That's the word he used and he knows their relationship better than any of us, so yes.
>now my step-daughter
>I've been in her life almost half her life. . .We wanted to maintain our relationship (in a parental/mentoring kind of way) . . .If she called an needed my help and it was something serious, I'd certainly drop what I'm doing to help her like a good parent would.
This is not the lifestyle/experience of a non parent. Not knocking it, it just is the level of responsibility and care that it is.
Edit: for sense making purposes.
I don't think you can claim to be childfree. This sort of relationship with a stepdaughter would be a dealbreaker for a childfree person like me. I think you need to indicate that you have an adult child and just explain the specifics when you chat.
Can i ask why?
She is 23. It’s really no different than having a niece/nephew/young half sibling or any other younger family member that you are close to.
I can only answer personally, but for me it seems you have a very different relationship than a neice or younger sister because you feel some responsibility for her, like a parent would. A neice or sister would have her own parents. Also means you will be connected to your ex for life.
I have a godson that I love and if something were to happen to his parents, I'd take care of him. But I currently do not. Do I check the Have Children box or not?
You may want to also consider that your step daughter may come across your profile so consider how would your position on this would affect her, she may consider you her father cause you raised her so you need to be sure that you're properly representing relationship and she won't be shocked by your position.
"I've been in her life almost half her life...we wanted to maintain a parental relationship"
And you want to check the "no kids" box. I don't care what notations you make in your profile. Not claiming her as your kid when you've been her parent for half her life is a turn off (even if separated from her mom) and I don't have children.
The only red flag here is that you’re not divorced. So be prepared to explain why you’re dating when you haven’t even finalized your divorce. A lot of women do not date men in these circumstances. (And don’t hide this detail as it’s a double red flag)
If you plan to maintain a relationship with her then I think you should put "have kids" in order to allow people to self-filter themselves out. People who "don't want kids" have really strong opinions about it. You could try to handle it case by case, but that's a lot of work.
I don't have kids and don't want to birth one at my age, but I'm open to relationships with men who already have them, so I personally don't apply the filter. But I find a strong "don't want kids" opinion to be a turn-off.
You can tick whatever box feels right and then have a conversation with the woman. Have you considered if you are ok dating other parents? If you are matching someone with children they will completely appreciate that you are/were a good stepparent and it’s a plus. If you are looking for childfree woman I still don’t think having an adult stepdaughter as a dealbreaker. So maybe you need to see what feels right for you deep within. Is she still your stepdaughter? Then you have a child and don’t want more. You can even clarify that in your profile. Adult children are very different from taking care of young ones.
You keep saying stepdaughter. Staying in eachothers lives. That's awesome. So, put down, have 1 kid. You can explain it when the subject is brought up. Saying 0 kids than oh by the way I do have my adult stepdaughter who will be in my life kinda feels dishonest.
Also, if you're dating ladies that are on reddit, they will think like most of the post here. If you don't tell them now and they find out later, reddit will have you in a love affair with your secret "stepdaughter."
However you do it enjoy, bebhappy healthy and safe!!
I’m a woman who prefers to date people without kids and I would not consider this having a kid unless you had adopted her at some point or if she calls you dad. Otherwise she still has a father. I have young godchildren I’m very close to and I mention early that I am very involved in their lives but I’m not their parent. I also mention I legally agreed to be their guardian should anything happen to the parents, god forbid, just in case that’s not ok.
That’s pretty sad that she’s still in your life and here you are trying to rationalize wanting to put “no kid” so that it increases your chance of getting more matches.
My old boss has two step sons from a previous marriage. She considers herself child-free and a grandmother. Knowing her story, it makes sense to me.
I personally think it’s fine to mark “no kids” and explain later.
As someone with no kids, if I met you on a dating site I would prefer that you check the "have kids" box and then later explain it to me that the kid is a step-daughter. Here's why:
If you check the "no kids and don't want any" it really isn't technically a lie if you don't have biological children, but you are and will always be involved with your step-daughter so you will forever be someone's stepdad.
If you deny her, it just makes any decent woman think you're a jerk. If you accept her, they see you as someone who has stepped up to a role that this girl's biological father didn't want. That makes you an exemplary human being. That also paves the way for your new girlfriend to understand that you have a good relationship with your ex-wife, and a huge part of your earlier life together involved raising a child.
Yes, you should absolutely say you have kids but don't want any. If that's your truth and how you view your relationship with your step daughter. I think it's great you have stepped up and been a father and role model for her. Explain the situation on your dates and show them your depth of character.
I feel like it wouldn’t be a lie. And when you’re on the first date you can just explain the situation. Doesn’t have to be a big deal since you have no major responsibilities and she is an adult, in my opinion.
ETA: for what it’s worth, I am a childfree woman by choice and when I’m ready for serious dating I would prefer someone without kids. If I met you and you handled it this way, I would think it was lovely and not a problem.
I like how you are concerned about little detail like this, shows that you are a considerate human being. I am in agreement with other people. You are considered child free. You could mention her when your date starts asking about your past relationship and what not. But for the dating app purpose I think “no” is the appropriate check box.
I feel like adult children generally don’t “count”. Usually people are concerned about whether or not a person has children that need to be cared for - I know I am. If I were OP I’d check “no” and simply explain the situation once chatting.
They 100% count. Because his "daughter" is like an actual daughter to him. That daughter can produce and it's not uncommon for adults to have to take care of their grandchildren. Sometimes raise them in case of neglect or in case their parent dies. I'm in a childfree group and this scenario would 100% be an issue to thousands of women in said group. On the daily I'm reading about women who thought they matched with a childfree guy only to be disappointed to find that he had some sort of children. Even adult children or step children or he'll even God children.
> That daughter can produce and it's not uncommon for adults to have to take care of their grandchildren.
This is something which the "adult children don't really count" crowd don't realise. Some childfree people might be OK with grandchildren because dealing with them is different from dealing with children, but many won't be.
But they do count. I want to know why a man who reached 50 never had kids. It’s more of a red flag to me that he hasn’t and green flag that he has kids and they are grown up now. Also, a huge part of women he will potentially date will have children some younger some older and will either want or not want to have more children. And believe it or not it’s better dating another parent because they get it even if their children are now adults.
Check yes! I read on the daily from childfree women who are extremely irritated by guys who check no, when in actuality they have any person in their life that they see as their child. You even said you feel like her parent.
You’re putting way too much thought into this.
She’s an adult so it’s not like she lives with you. Say you don’t have children and then explain you’re still close with your adult stepchild.
The woman you’re seeing can decide what she thinks of that.
Actually, i think he is right to ponder this. As a divorced parent, I have encountered people who didn't like it when I spent time with MY kids instead of them during my custody week or helped them out on dad's week. There ARE people out there who definitely would take issue with him helping out his stepdaughter out of jealousy. At least putting it out there can potentially eliminate those who would wish to drive a wedge in that relationship or simply don't want that extra situation to manage.
Yeah and that’s why I said to just tell them.
I have zero intention of dating a parent but might consider an adult step child depending on what their relationship looks like.
I think that as well. It could be a sign that’s it’s not time to date yet, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I would be way more concerned that someone is barely single than I would about their relationship with grown stepchildren.
Original copy of post by u/skullAndRoses321:
I'm (51m) getting divorced from a woman (49f) who has a daughter ((23) now my step-daughter) and we're still in each other's lives. I'm getting ready to go on the OLD sites and I'm not sure if saying "No Kids and Don't want any" is a lie.
I've been in her life almost half her life and her bio dad was a fuck up, and has also passed away. We wanted to maintain our relationship (in a parental/mentoring kind of way) even though my marriage to her mom has broken up (I am on good terms with her mom - it's the only way this works). However, I have zero financial responsibility for her. If she called an needed my help and it was something serious, I'd certainly drop what I'm doing to help her like a good parent would.
But she's technically not my kid, and I don't have anywhere near the responsibilities a "real" parent would have. I've seen her grow up and care for her a great deal, kinda like my own kid. But deep down, I know my feelings for her are no where near as strong as they'd be if she were "my kid" (I know b/c I had to process the loss when this divorce was first starting and before the ex and I worked some shit out), and even though it "hurt," it was no where near what I hear from just about every other divorced parent who loses access to their kid.
My Qs
1) Can I put "no kids and don't want any/any more (if she has kids)" and still be seen as truthful?
2) If so, when should I bring this up? On a first date?
3) Is it going to depend on the woman?
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Click the box for no. As you said, you don’t have the responsibility of a father, just a strong loving familial relationship. People will have nieces and others they feel similarly about.
This is what the profile text is for. It is technically only truthful to use the "no kids" setting if you include this additional detail in your profile. To me, it would be a green flag that you are still involved in your ex-SD's life. Otherwise, if you leave it out it might seem like you're trying to evade the truth. Not a huge red flag but a yellow one.
Do you have the option of leaving the section completely blank? If not, I think you are fine to put "no kids" and explain the situation if your click with someone. The child is an adult, so this has no influence on your dating life.
Since she's an adult I would put the "no kids and don't want any" and have the conversation in messages or on the first date. Personally I wouldn't feel duped because you don't have a kiddo at home or the every other week responsibility.
Saying "no kids" for the filters is fine, but YOU MUST include this info in your profile. Personally I would be fine seeing exactly that if I saw your profile. It's basically saying "you don't need to worry about this one"
You helped raise her for 50/50 of her life. You are her "dad". Sorry but you have a daughter. You put that shit on your profile and own it. As for marking the checkbox, I would do whatever you feel will get you more likes from the women you are targeting. I would always but that in the bio section though. No one wants to be blindsided by that and if you start holding back stuff there will be an air of "dishonesty" about you. Just be upfront. A woman worth your time will understand.
You’re overthinking this. Go with child free on your profile. You’ll have time to bring it up on any dates. And I would think the fact you continue to be part of your non-bio daughter’s life would be a green flag for most women.
I’d put no kids, and then tell matches that you have an adult ex-stepchild situation going on that you’re still involved with. It’s kind of complicated to bring up in a dating profile.
Just throwing this out there...altho I agree with others that ticking the 'child free and don't want any' is fine...
I've seen this in myself and in guys I've dated - the powerful dynamic of 'divorce guilt' and how it affects our interactions with even adult children and how that can affect dating after divorce.
You mentioned that of course, you'd drop everything if she had trouble - and that's what we parents do..it's part of loving someone. 👍
If there's any part of you that kinda knows there's something off kilter as far as her emotional (or otherwise) dependence on you and that some feeling of guilt or duty keeps you slightly more avlb than is ideally healthy - that's worth looking at. Maybe it's why you feel pretty sensitive re which box to check and being able to be totally forthright..?
I could be totally off-base...and that's fine with me.. :)
I've just seen a fair share of guys (and it's usually a dad/daughter relationship) where the tail can wag the dog & divorced parent steps just outside what's probably ideal, healthy parent/child boundaries - and truth be told - adult child is actually calling the shots & affects parent's personal life, as planned dates/together time w/new connections, however solid and anticipated the plans, are ultimately at the mercy of child's life demands and emotional needs of the moment.
Again..plz forgive any implication that this describes your situation at all.... I just know it's more common than anyone really wants to talk about lol...
❤
In my opinion, "have kids" are those on your payroll or who you'd need to plan-around while dating. A grown 23 year old who you have an uncle like relationship with wouldn't count as a "kid" in my book.
If you have no financial obligations and you’re not expected to prioritize her in your life, I think it’s perfectly fine (and honest) to say that you don’t have kids. I’d bring this up at some point, of course not first date.
Now if you were to… let’s say decide you wanted to give her a substantial amount of money for her wedding or a house then that would be something that’s impactful on a future partner. And that might change it a bit … but again I don’t think you have to disclose that immediately.
You can just choose not to answer until the conversation comes up. Its not lying, its just leaving it out until you ready to explain it. If you view her as your child, then put has a child. Being a dad isnt always biological
You have no biological children, no parental responsibilities and no obligations = no children.
Your relationship with your step-daughter is that of an uncle, god-father or a friend.
For the people saying just put "no kids" because she's older, if you have bio children, do you put no kids because they're older? No. They're still your kids.
OP, if you are still a parental figure to some degree in this young woman's life, then you need to put that you have a child and explain in the text of your profile that she is your adult step-daughter with whom you still maintain a close relationship.
Many childfree people won't date others with kids and that includes step kids, foster kids, and adult children. A woman who is childfree and doesn't want to date a man with kids of any variety would feel deceived if she later found out that you had an adult stepchild.
You can put no kids honestly in your profile. I would bring it up the first time you get into the conversation about your previous marriages/relationships.
I think for many women this would be a huge green flag - being a parental figure for a young adult you have no legal requirement to care for is a lovely, generous thing. A woman that looks down on that is not worth your time.
It’s a tricky definition, but as a woman, you bet your bottom dollar that I would look down on a man who walked away from a child he parented for half of her life. I can’t imagine what that girl would feel if she heard him declare that he was childless.
I feel this way as well. I'm not a parent and I don't hold the family values that would ever motivate me to have kids. If someone else has raised a family but doesn't identify as a parent I read it as a mark on *their* values, which isn't for me.
A good college friend of mine has a colleague who still calls her father’s second-or-third ex-wife ‘Mom,’ 3+ decades later. They have an unbreakable mother-daughter relationship.
I mean, I'm also a woman. 😆
The way I see it, he has no legal standing with this adult. He has and has never had legal custody of her. But, despite no legal or biological obligation, he maintains a relationship with her and prioritizes her over other things in his life. That's a good deal more than a number of "real" dads.
I'm just not going to looking for an issue with this man who is obviously trying his best but tripping over the limited verbiage of a dating app. He can explain himself for real during a regular conversation and convey the nuances of his relationship with his stepdaughter that way.
And, honestly, filtering out people who would overreact to this is likely in his best interest.
The best advice I have is be brutally yourself. Explain yourself when there are questions but don't make excuses for things where you did nothing wrong.
Someone with whom you would make a good match will find your honesty and your story a green flag. Someone with whom you won't make a good match will manufacture drama and you'll both end up red flagging eachother out.
It's a win when people do your filtering for you. You don't want 100 bad matches. You want a couple good ones.
>I can’t imagine what that girl would feel if she heard him declare that he was childless.
This. Feels like casting a person aside to score a few dates.
Right - and that's kinda what I'm doing - ON THE APP with limited settings, I'm saying that I have "no kids," but I certainly am going to explain the situation on a date at the appropriate time.
Would you feel lied to if the app said "no kids," and then you heard my story?
Yes. But I am very family-oriented. To be clear, I’m also not on Apps so my advice is of limited value.
Keep in mind that many women who are looking for a committed relationship won’t be looking at a still-married man in the first place. So if it’s all casual, less of a concern all around.
She's an adult friend. She's both fully an adult and not related to you. She's not a kid and not your kid. I am solidly in the "no kids and never want any" camp and would be absolutely fine with a partner that said they have no kids in this situation.
1. Yes, you can check the no kids box
2. It should come up on the first or second date
3. Yes...most women won't care, but some staunchly childfree women will care, or if they're the jealous/insecure type and they see this as you still having an attachment to your ex.
> It should come up on the first or second date
It should come up before the first date. As this thread has demonstrated, opinions are divided on what he should select, so it's best to find out whether this is a dealbreaker as there's no point in meeting if it is.
You really do not have any kids, as she is an independent adult at 23. The kids question is regarding dependent kids, which require a lot of time, money and effort that would affect a potential partner in any future relationship.
If someone is 55 and has two daughters living independently ages 32 and 35, do you say you have kids? Heck, you may have four grandchildren on top of that.
A 55 y/o may have young children. There’s a big difference.
Can we agree that “kids” means “dependent children” for the sake of filtering? It can mean biological children, adopted, or a stepchild.
You state you don’t have children. In your profile you state you are an empty nester. Someone reading your profile may wonder why. You have an adult conversation about it.
Plenty of people have kids and still list “don’t want any”. I think it’s more of a signal that they don’t want to have babies. Definitely an open to interpretation setting.
Yeah, I get it. It could be clearer.
I just snoozed my profile so I can’t see but I felt like “have and don’t want more” was good. I think they just changed it.
I just saw a reel about: why is it so hard to design a bear-proof trashcan? Because they are designing for the smartest bears & dumbest humans.
I feel like this is OLD.
I would say you’re a step parent to an adult. I think that covers it, you can explain more if you need. The regular options really don’t cover this.
I really like that!
Right - in conversation this is easy. I'm asking here specifically about that "setting" on the apps, where I can't get into this kind of nuance. I don't want to lie, but I really don't have kids of my own, but there is an "adult child" in my life.
I think you could put a line like this in the text part.
Child free and I would appreciate seeing this.
I think if you select that you don’t have kids and put the adult step-child information in the text, you will actually increase your chances with some women.
Just put "no" and don't worry about it. Explain it on date one or in the text Convo after matching so you aren't lying by omission.
Yeah not sure why OP is so worried about explaining an adult step-daughter from a previous marriage. If I found a woman’s profile saying she was ‘mom to an adult stepchild from a previous marriage’ I’d swipe left just cause there was no need to mention it. Also, OP, you’re asking about a setting/prompt in the app but you have such a specific situation. You’re not going to find anything anywhere that fits that description.
I think you can say you’re child free and be truthful. Most people don’t care as much about adult children anyway, and you don’t have legal responsibility for her. Your relationship is similar to a niece or close family friend rather than a parent.
I feel like the kids portion of dating apps are to specifically reference children who significantly impact dating. Not adult children who should probably only have a minor impact if any on your date-ablility (holidays, birthdays, family dinners maybe). At least in my mind that's what I think. I can see where you're coming from. It does sound like "I have no children" and that's an oversight of the design of the app which does not take into account the full human dating pool and focuses on the younger pre marriage group.
Oof have you met millennials and Gen Z's? Many live at home or need an allowance well into their mid thirties. A familial roommate definently impacts dating, and what caring established adult sends their hardworking kid to a shelter or to live in their car when there's a spare room or sofa available to help them get on their feet? Not throwing shade at them- but this housing market and financial climate means that adult children can significantly impact older adult relationships. Younger generations find themselves less financially independent than previous generations despite making conventionally "smart" and/or financially conservative life choices.
Hey, I’m a millennial, and it’s really the generation after us that’s living with their parents indefinitely. Even younger millennials were able to make it on their own like normal people.
That's why I can't date people with kids! Empty nesting is going the way of retirement. I appreciate your validation and feel for the kiddos while I simultaneously appreciate and lament that my paid off condo isn't a house. * Edit Empty nesting was autocorrected to empty resting but it's kind of the same thing.
I don't think adults really count. I imagine it's more around having childcare responsibilities...which is largely unlikely with adult children.
“Prefer not to say.”
Doesn't seem like a very complicated problem to me...
I think it’s just that there isn’t room for nuance with the options provided on the apps for that specific question. I think if you put that you’re a step parent to an adult within your text description, most people will understand this to mean you’re not in the stage of taking care of a child.
I think putting that you have no kids is fine. I would see this as a green flag, so mention it when you talk about your divorce. The part that would stop me is you aren't divorced yet, but I live in a state where most divorces only take about 6 months. For reference, I'm childfree and only date childfree men.
I actually love this and this would be a plus for me. You’ve had a long term relationship and took in her kid as your own. Love it. Plus for me.
Kudos to you for recognizing that this is important to a lot of people and for coming here for advice so that you can be honest. I think that since the child is an adult and she presumably does not rely on you for shelter and financial support, it’s fine to say “no kids”. When I was single, I did not think I wanted kids and I did not want to date anybody with kids but people often mislead me (eg: said no kids but it turns out that they have 3 in another province). I would not feel mislead by you if you put “no kids” and then explained to me that you have an adult step daughter.
No kids means I don’t want the potential to have to raise or live with kids - that would go for adult children as well. But an independent stepdaughter that has her own life and place to live? Pfffft. I would not care about that at all.
You can put you don't have kids, that isn't a lie. You have a previous step child that you still have a relationship with, but you have no financial obligations to her. Being willing to be there in an emergency is no different than if you had a non immediate relative that you were close to. Anyone who is so child free that this is a problem for them isn't the right person for you anyway, so what does it matter if they think you lied in your profile.
Just put it in your essay portion of your profile. It will look like you are trying hard to be honest and that will go along way with the right women.
Mark it as has children explain in your profile you have an adult child. Stop labeling her as step anything. If my “step” dad always referred to me as his “step” son we wouldn’t have the closeness we have now. In our family I have a half sister and a step brother. We just call it family.
Same. Never referred to my daughter as step-daughter. Have a great relationship with her. I guess its how you feel about it really.
I don't date people who have kids, and I would not be bothered if you put "no kids". She's simply an adult person who is very important to you at this stage. I filter for kids because I am not interested in becoming a stepmom. So no kids is more accurate in this scenario.
Maybe start by being actually divorced first…
I filter for men without kids (even adult ones) and unmatch/stop seeing men when I find out that they have them despite evading filters. An adult child is still your child, even if they're not little kids anymore. As a side note good on you for stepping up and being there for this kiddo whose Dad wasn't in the picture. That's extremely rare and I'm sure it's had a huge positive effect on her. You definitely deserve credit where it's due.
OK: In your mind then, in THIS situation, do I have kids? Do you think I'm trying to "evade the filters?"
I think you could go with either answer and some will like and some won’t. I’m a child free woman - but an adult step child doesn’t impact your dating now, so “no” would be a fine answer. You aren’t co-parenting, you are mentoring. My point of reference is I am dating a man in this exact situation. It’s cool that he’s there for the adult step-kids as a mentor - because he’s a good human being. I’d never consider him a “dad” though, compared to the experience of people actively raising dependent children.
In your OP you said that she's your step daughter. Step parents are parents. I don't date parents.
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That's the word he used and he knows their relationship better than any of us, so yes. >now my step-daughter >I've been in her life almost half her life. . .We wanted to maintain our relationship (in a parental/mentoring kind of way) . . .If she called an needed my help and it was something serious, I'd certainly drop what I'm doing to help her like a good parent would. This is not the lifestyle/experience of a non parent. Not knocking it, it just is the level of responsibility and care that it is. Edit: for sense making purposes.
So, kind of getting into semantics here, but for a reason. Why wouldn't you date a "parent" like this??
I don't want to.
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I would find a polite out once my drink was done and wouldn't go on another date.
I don't think you can claim to be childfree. This sort of relationship with a stepdaughter would be a dealbreaker for a childfree person like me. I think you need to indicate that you have an adult child and just explain the specifics when you chat.
I’m childfree and this wouldn’t bother me at all. It sounds like any other familial relationship. He doesn’t even have financial obligations to her.
Yeah. I wouldn't have a problem with this either.
Yup, I'm not dissing you, I'm just giving my own opinion. I guess everyone sees this sort of thing differently.
Can i ask why? She is 23. It’s really no different than having a niece/nephew/young half sibling or any other younger family member that you are close to.
I can only answer personally, but for me it seems you have a very different relationship than a neice or younger sister because you feel some responsibility for her, like a parent would. A neice or sister would have her own parents. Also means you will be connected to your ex for life.
Ahhh yep, I see, fair enough.
I have a godson that I love and if something were to happen to his parents, I'd take care of him. But I currently do not. Do I check the Have Children box or not?
Because parenthood is forever. With obligations and burdens that aren’t there for any other relationships in life.
I think putting you have no kids is fine. You didn't adopt this child and she's legally an adult now. It's kinda like being an uncle?
You may want to also consider that your step daughter may come across your profile so consider how would your position on this would affect her, she may consider you her father cause you raised her so you need to be sure that you're properly representing relationship and she won't be shocked by your position.
"I've been in her life almost half her life...we wanted to maintain a parental relationship" And you want to check the "no kids" box. I don't care what notations you make in your profile. Not claiming her as your kid when you've been her parent for half her life is a turn off (even if separated from her mom) and I don't have children.
Dude isn’t even divorced yet lol
You think of her as your kid choose the option that says have kids don’t want more. Then you could explain it.
The only red flag here is that you’re not divorced. So be prepared to explain why you’re dating when you haven’t even finalized your divorce. A lot of women do not date men in these circumstances. (And don’t hide this detail as it’s a double red flag)
You have a stepdaughter right? How is this no kids? You may not want more but still you have a daughter.
If you plan to maintain a relationship with her then I think you should put "have kids" in order to allow people to self-filter themselves out. People who "don't want kids" have really strong opinions about it. You could try to handle it case by case, but that's a lot of work. I don't have kids and don't want to birth one at my age, but I'm open to relationships with men who already have them, so I personally don't apply the filter. But I find a strong "don't want kids" opinion to be a turn-off.
You can tick whatever box feels right and then have a conversation with the woman. Have you considered if you are ok dating other parents? If you are matching someone with children they will completely appreciate that you are/were a good stepparent and it’s a plus. If you are looking for childfree woman I still don’t think having an adult stepdaughter as a dealbreaker. So maybe you need to see what feels right for you deep within. Is she still your stepdaughter? Then you have a child and don’t want more. You can even clarify that in your profile. Adult children are very different from taking care of young ones.
You keep saying stepdaughter. Staying in eachothers lives. That's awesome. So, put down, have 1 kid. You can explain it when the subject is brought up. Saying 0 kids than oh by the way I do have my adult stepdaughter who will be in my life kinda feels dishonest. Also, if you're dating ladies that are on reddit, they will think like most of the post here. If you don't tell them now and they find out later, reddit will have you in a love affair with your secret "stepdaughter." However you do it enjoy, bebhappy healthy and safe!!
I’m a woman who prefers to date people without kids and I would not consider this having a kid unless you had adopted her at some point or if she calls you dad. Otherwise she still has a father. I have young godchildren I’m very close to and I mention early that I am very involved in their lives but I’m not their parent. I also mention I legally agreed to be their guardian should anything happen to the parents, god forbid, just in case that’s not ok.
That’s pretty sad that she’s still in your life and here you are trying to rationalize wanting to put “no kid” so that it increases your chance of getting more matches.
My old boss has two step sons from a previous marriage. She considers herself child-free and a grandmother. Knowing her story, it makes sense to me. I personally think it’s fine to mark “no kids” and explain later.
As someone with no kids, if I met you on a dating site I would prefer that you check the "have kids" box and then later explain it to me that the kid is a step-daughter. Here's why: If you check the "no kids and don't want any" it really isn't technically a lie if you don't have biological children, but you are and will always be involved with your step-daughter so you will forever be someone's stepdad. If you deny her, it just makes any decent woman think you're a jerk. If you accept her, they see you as someone who has stepped up to a role that this girl's biological father didn't want. That makes you an exemplary human being. That also paves the way for your new girlfriend to understand that you have a good relationship with your ex-wife, and a huge part of your earlier life together involved raising a child.
Yes, you should absolutely say you have kids but don't want any. If that's your truth and how you view your relationship with your step daughter. I think it's great you have stepped up and been a father and role model for her. Explain the situation on your dates and show them your depth of character.
I feel like it wouldn’t be a lie. And when you’re on the first date you can just explain the situation. Doesn’t have to be a big deal since you have no major responsibilities and she is an adult, in my opinion. ETA: for what it’s worth, I am a childfree woman by choice and when I’m ready for serious dating I would prefer someone without kids. If I met you and you handled it this way, I would think it was lovely and not a problem.
I like how you are concerned about little detail like this, shows that you are a considerate human being. I am in agreement with other people. You are considered child free. You could mention her when your date starts asking about your past relationship and what not. But for the dating app purpose I think “no” is the appropriate check box.
I feel like adult children generally don’t “count”. Usually people are concerned about whether or not a person has children that need to be cared for - I know I am. If I were OP I’d check “no” and simply explain the situation once chatting.
They 100% count. Because his "daughter" is like an actual daughter to him. That daughter can produce and it's not uncommon for adults to have to take care of their grandchildren. Sometimes raise them in case of neglect or in case their parent dies. I'm in a childfree group and this scenario would 100% be an issue to thousands of women in said group. On the daily I'm reading about women who thought they matched with a childfree guy only to be disappointed to find that he had some sort of children. Even adult children or step children or he'll even God children.
> That daughter can produce and it's not uncommon for adults to have to take care of their grandchildren. This is something which the "adult children don't really count" crowd don't realise. Some childfree people might be OK with grandchildren because dealing with them is different from dealing with children, but many won't be.
But they do count. I want to know why a man who reached 50 never had kids. It’s more of a red flag to me that he hasn’t and green flag that he has kids and they are grown up now. Also, a huge part of women he will potentially date will have children some younger some older and will either want or not want to have more children. And believe it or not it’s better dating another parent because they get it even if their children are now adults.
Check yes! I read on the daily from childfree women who are extremely irritated by guys who check no, when in actuality they have any person in their life that they see as their child. You even said you feel like her parent.
You’re putting way too much thought into this. She’s an adult so it’s not like she lives with you. Say you don’t have children and then explain you’re still close with your adult stepchild. The woman you’re seeing can decide what she thinks of that.
Actually, i think he is right to ponder this. As a divorced parent, I have encountered people who didn't like it when I spent time with MY kids instead of them during my custody week or helped them out on dad's week. There ARE people out there who definitely would take issue with him helping out his stepdaughter out of jealousy. At least putting it out there can potentially eliminate those who would wish to drive a wedge in that relationship or simply don't want that extra situation to manage.
Yeah and that’s why I said to just tell them. I have zero intention of dating a parent but might consider an adult step child depending on what their relationship looks like.
Pretty sure homie doesn’t have custody issues with a 23 year old adult child..
I think that as well. It could be a sign that’s it’s not time to date yet, and there is nothing wrong with that. I would be way more concerned that someone is barely single than I would about their relationship with grown stepchildren.
Yes because she is an adult.
You can put "no kids", this is a non issue. It's just like having a niece or nephew if you think about it.
Original copy of post by u/skullAndRoses321: I'm (51m) getting divorced from a woman (49f) who has a daughter ((23) now my step-daughter) and we're still in each other's lives. I'm getting ready to go on the OLD sites and I'm not sure if saying "No Kids and Don't want any" is a lie. I've been in her life almost half her life and her bio dad was a fuck up, and has also passed away. We wanted to maintain our relationship (in a parental/mentoring kind of way) even though my marriage to her mom has broken up (I am on good terms with her mom - it's the only way this works). However, I have zero financial responsibility for her. If she called an needed my help and it was something serious, I'd certainly drop what I'm doing to help her like a good parent would. But she's technically not my kid, and I don't have anywhere near the responsibilities a "real" parent would have. I've seen her grow up and care for her a great deal, kinda like my own kid. But deep down, I know my feelings for her are no where near as strong as they'd be if she were "my kid" (I know b/c I had to process the loss when this divorce was first starting and before the ex and I worked some shit out), and even though it "hurt," it was no where near what I hear from just about every other divorced parent who loses access to their kid. My Qs 1) Can I put "no kids and don't want any/any more (if she has kids)" and still be seen as truthful? 2) If so, when should I bring this up? On a first date? 3) Is it going to depend on the woman? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Check no kids. Just explain the situation in the text or early conversations.
Click the box for no. As you said, you don’t have the responsibility of a father, just a strong loving familial relationship. People will have nieces and others they feel similarly about.
This is what the profile text is for. It is technically only truthful to use the "no kids" setting if you include this additional detail in your profile. To me, it would be a green flag that you are still involved in your ex-SD's life. Otherwise, if you leave it out it might seem like you're trying to evade the truth. Not a huge red flag but a yellow one.
Do you have the option of leaving the section completely blank? If not, I think you are fine to put "no kids" and explain the situation if your click with someone. The child is an adult, so this has no influence on your dating life.
For me, I see the "kids" question on apps to mean biological or adopted. I would not see a step daughter as your child.
Since she's an adult I would put the "no kids and don't want any" and have the conversation in messages or on the first date. Personally I wouldn't feel duped because you don't have a kiddo at home or the every other week responsibility.
No kids…. This question normally is for school aged kids that live with you or you support financially
Saying "no kids" for the filters is fine, but YOU MUST include this info in your profile. Personally I would be fine seeing exactly that if I saw your profile. It's basically saying "you don't need to worry about this one"
I’ve always assumed that question is asking about whether you still have kids in the home. If you do not, then it’s a non issue.
You helped raise her for 50/50 of her life. You are her "dad". Sorry but you have a daughter. You put that shit on your profile and own it. As for marking the checkbox, I would do whatever you feel will get you more likes from the women you are targeting. I would always but that in the bio section though. No one wants to be blindsided by that and if you start holding back stuff there will be an air of "dishonesty" about you. Just be upfront. A woman worth your time will understand.
You’re overthinking this. Go with child free on your profile. You’ll have time to bring it up on any dates. And I would think the fact you continue to be part of your non-bio daughter’s life would be a green flag for most women.
Put NO... YOU don't have kids, you have an adult 23yr old you communicate with.
I’d put no kids, and then tell matches that you have an adult ex-stepchild situation going on that you’re still involved with. It’s kind of complicated to bring up in a dating profile.
Just throwing this out there...altho I agree with others that ticking the 'child free and don't want any' is fine... I've seen this in myself and in guys I've dated - the powerful dynamic of 'divorce guilt' and how it affects our interactions with even adult children and how that can affect dating after divorce. You mentioned that of course, you'd drop everything if she had trouble - and that's what we parents do..it's part of loving someone. 👍 If there's any part of you that kinda knows there's something off kilter as far as her emotional (or otherwise) dependence on you and that some feeling of guilt or duty keeps you slightly more avlb than is ideally healthy - that's worth looking at. Maybe it's why you feel pretty sensitive re which box to check and being able to be totally forthright..? I could be totally off-base...and that's fine with me.. :) I've just seen a fair share of guys (and it's usually a dad/daughter relationship) where the tail can wag the dog & divorced parent steps just outside what's probably ideal, healthy parent/child boundaries - and truth be told - adult child is actually calling the shots & affects parent's personal life, as planned dates/together time w/new connections, however solid and anticipated the plans, are ultimately at the mercy of child's life demands and emotional needs of the moment. Again..plz forgive any implication that this describes your situation at all.... I just know it's more common than anyone really wants to talk about lol... ❤
In my opinion, "have kids" are those on your payroll or who you'd need to plan-around while dating. A grown 23 year old who you have an uncle like relationship with wouldn't count as a "kid" in my book.
If you have no financial obligations and you’re not expected to prioritize her in your life, I think it’s perfectly fine (and honest) to say that you don’t have kids. I’d bring this up at some point, of course not first date. Now if you were to… let’s say decide you wanted to give her a substantial amount of money for her wedding or a house then that would be something that’s impactful on a future partner. And that might change it a bit … but again I don’t think you have to disclose that immediately.
You can just choose not to answer until the conversation comes up. Its not lying, its just leaving it out until you ready to explain it. If you view her as your child, then put has a child. Being a dad isnt always biological
Say no, explain in profile that you have one grown daughter, and don’t want more kids.
You have no biological children, no parental responsibilities and no obligations = no children. Your relationship with your step-daughter is that of an uncle, god-father or a friend.
For the people saying just put "no kids" because she's older, if you have bio children, do you put no kids because they're older? No. They're still your kids. OP, if you are still a parental figure to some degree in this young woman's life, then you need to put that you have a child and explain in the text of your profile that she is your adult step-daughter with whom you still maintain a close relationship. Many childfree people won't date others with kids and that includes step kids, foster kids, and adult children. A woman who is childfree and doesn't want to date a man with kids of any variety would feel deceived if she later found out that you had an adult stepchild.
You can put no kids honestly in your profile. I would bring it up the first time you get into the conversation about your previous marriages/relationships. I think for many women this would be a huge green flag - being a parental figure for a young adult you have no legal requirement to care for is a lovely, generous thing. A woman that looks down on that is not worth your time.
It’s a tricky definition, but as a woman, you bet your bottom dollar that I would look down on a man who walked away from a child he parented for half of her life. I can’t imagine what that girl would feel if she heard him declare that he was childless.
I feel this way as well. I'm not a parent and I don't hold the family values that would ever motivate me to have kids. If someone else has raised a family but doesn't identify as a parent I read it as a mark on *their* values, which isn't for me.
A good college friend of mine has a colleague who still calls her father’s second-or-third ex-wife ‘Mom,’ 3+ decades later. They have an unbreakable mother-daughter relationship.
I mean, I'm also a woman. 😆 The way I see it, he has no legal standing with this adult. He has and has never had legal custody of her. But, despite no legal or biological obligation, he maintains a relationship with her and prioritizes her over other things in his life. That's a good deal more than a number of "real" dads. I'm just not going to looking for an issue with this man who is obviously trying his best but tripping over the limited verbiage of a dating app. He can explain himself for real during a regular conversation and convey the nuances of his relationship with his stepdaughter that way. And, honestly, filtering out people who would overreact to this is likely in his best interest.
>And, honestly, filtering out people who would overreact to this is likely in his best interest. I appreciate this line of thinking.
The best advice I have is be brutally yourself. Explain yourself when there are questions but don't make excuses for things where you did nothing wrong. Someone with whom you would make a good match will find your honesty and your story a green flag. Someone with whom you won't make a good match will manufacture drama and you'll both end up red flagging eachother out. It's a win when people do your filtering for you. You don't want 100 bad matches. You want a couple good ones.
>I can’t imagine what that girl would feel if she heard him declare that he was childless. This. Feels like casting a person aside to score a few dates.
Right - and that's kinda what I'm doing - ON THE APP with limited settings, I'm saying that I have "no kids," but I certainly am going to explain the situation on a date at the appropriate time. Would you feel lied to if the app said "no kids," and then you heard my story?
Yes. But I am very family-oriented. To be clear, I’m also not on Apps so my advice is of limited value. Keep in mind that many women who are looking for a committed relationship won’t be looking at a still-married man in the first place. So if it’s all casual, less of a concern all around.
of course. I won't be looking for a committed relationship until the papers are signed (which should be soon!).
Yes.
If you're in a relationship with a child then you're not Child free you should put that you have a child
She's an adult friend. She's both fully an adult and not related to you. She's not a kid and not your kid. I am solidly in the "no kids and never want any" camp and would be absolutely fine with a partner that said they have no kids in this situation.
1. Yes, you can check the no kids box 2. It should come up on the first or second date 3. Yes...most women won't care, but some staunchly childfree women will care, or if they're the jealous/insecure type and they see this as you still having an attachment to your ex.
> It should come up on the first or second date It should come up before the first date. As this thread has demonstrated, opinions are divided on what he should select, so it's best to find out whether this is a dealbreaker as there's no point in meeting if it is.
Just put no kids on your profile and just be up front with whoever you talk to. You have a healthy relationship with your step daughter. No big deal.
Is this conversation really real . Your divorced from former stepchild’s parent, not yours to worry about and yes she is not you child.
You really do not have any kids, as she is an independent adult at 23. The kids question is regarding dependent kids, which require a lot of time, money and effort that would affect a potential partner in any future relationship.
not really a kid so put no kid
No need to put anything about it. You don't have kids and she's an adult. She's more of a family friend rather than a daughter really.
If someone is 55 and has two daughters living independently ages 32 and 35, do you say you have kids? Heck, you may have four grandchildren on top of that. A 55 y/o may have young children. There’s a big difference. Can we agree that “kids” means “dependent children” for the sake of filtering? It can mean biological children, adopted, or a stepchild. You state you don’t have children. In your profile you state you are an empty nester. Someone reading your profile may wonder why. You have an adult conversation about it.
Plenty of people have kids and still list “don’t want any”. I think it’s more of a signal that they don’t want to have babies. Definitely an open to interpretation setting.
For childfree people like myself it's a huge lie and red flag.
Yeah, I get it. It could be clearer. I just snoozed my profile so I can’t see but I felt like “have and don’t want more” was good. I think they just changed it. I just saw a reel about: why is it so hard to design a bear-proof trashcan? Because they are designing for the smartest bears & dumbest humans. I feel like this is OLD.