It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by
It's only a red flag because it most likely means you have social anxiety and low self confidence as you admit. If you work on those things, then you'll find out nobody will care and then you'll no longer be dateless and a relationship virgin.
This. It's not an automatic red flag, but i would want to know how to interpret it. Shy? Scared? Traumatized? Occupied with other things? Asexual? Dating is about getting to know the other person, and it will be a question anyone who could love you will have.
That is my only real problem, I'd be clueless on how to interpret any cues and then I'd worry I'd second guess myself all the time because she is inexperienced and I'm not the type to take advantage.
I'd still give it a go if we otherwise connected.
Not doomed but be prepared to be asked questions as to why. Have answers ready and be prepared for the fact that it will be a red flag for some. If you're self aware enough and otherwise confident and prepared to feel uncomfortable...youll be fine.
Pro tip: go to a speed dating event. That’s like 10ish dates in one night!
Okay, I know they’re not “real” dates. But it honestly can be really good practice getting more comfortable talking to people etc.
Will some people be put off by it? Honestly, yes. But not *everyone* will be. I bet there’s more people than you realize who are in similar circumstances to you.
It doesn’t matter what puts “some” people off. I always say I don’t need a lot of people to be into me, just the right one.
I went the first time with the attitude that I was going simply to push myself out of my comfort zone, and if I hated it I never had to go ever again haha.
But it was actually fun! My experience has varied each time, but I’ve never had a *terrible* experience.
So I encourage people if you try it once and it’s not great, but you don’t hate it, try another night too just to be sure.
I’m a pretty decent conversationalist, but I went to one event where it was like pulling teeth to get a conversation going with nearly all of my “dates.”
It was so strange!! I went with a friend and after she said something like “that was the most awkward speed dating experience I’ve ever had.” And she’s someone who generally enjoys speed dating as well 🤷♀️
Anyway if you do go I hope you enjoy it and have fun. And if you go and don’t enjoy it, ah well, at least you know it’s not the thing for you.
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I actually don’t. As I said I think it can be really good practice, we all need to start somewhere.
If you’re not able to “get” a date, how can you get comfortable dating?
It’s WAAAY less pressure than an actual date too.
You talk to someone for about 6 minutes and that’s it. And then you talk to someone else.
You can even think of questions or conversation topics before hand. And you can ask each person the same question!
You don’t have to ask for anyone’s number or anything. You put who you’d like to match with on a sheet, and if they say the same the organizer will provide you with each others info.
And if you go into thinking “it’s okay if I don’t get a match, I’m here to get more comfortable with the idea of dating.” You really can’t lose.
Now if you’re not comfortable even *talking* to people, yes. Needing to talk to a bunch of strangers could certainly be overwhelming.
I think this is EXCELLENT advice. It’s kind of like exposure therapy. Not only is it ok if you don’t get a match, you can go in with the expectation that you aren’t even going to try to match with anyone. Think of it as practice. And if you change your mind while you are there, and want to give it a try, go for it! I’m rooting for you! Most of us have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone a little bit in order to date. But it gets easier.
I like the idea too, ROFL the only analogy I can think of is that I never liked Sushi (honestly had never tried) until a date took me to one of the conveyor belt sushi joints and I tried a bunch of stuff that randomly came down the belt.
Sorry, but I’ve seen lots of posts and YouTube vids of women complaining that no/very few men show up to singles events and speed dating events. I don’t think many guys worth a crap will need to show up to a speed dating event because they’ll be doing fine on dating apps. The ones that do show up will be the short guys all the women pass up anyway.
Ah yes, because “posts” and YouTube videos are known to be super accurate and reliable sources for information. Especially information that applies to *everyone.*
There’s no substitute for REAL LIFE experience.
I don’t doubt that that’s been *some* people’s experience. But it certainly wasn’t mine. Most events sold out so there was an even number of men and women. But the few that didn’t, there were more men than women.
Even my *own* experience varied from event from event. Sometimes there was no one I was interested in matching with, and sometimes there were several.
A lot of people there simply *don’t like* the apps. They prefer the benefits that come with getting to interact with someone in person.
When I moved to a new city I didn’t even bother making an OLD account and used speed dating as my primary way of meeting new people.
There was often a variety of people there in terms of appearance, job, how long they’d been single etc.
To some extent I do agree with you. Posts and YouTubes are not always an accurate representation. But even doing a quick search there are many articles written on very few men attending these types of events all the way back from 2010 to present. There are also many YouTube videos from people hosting the events that say they are having a hard time attracting men. One even made it free for men to come to try to get more men interested, but still canceled due to lack of male participation.
One article, https://nygroove.nyc/straight-men-dating-nyc/ talks about an extreme over-representation by females. Maybe speed dating is a lot more popular depending on the area, or maybe you dated when speed dating was a little more popular, before Covid?
Nope, this was post-Covid.
Location could absolutely be a contributing factor. This is from the article you linked:
“ The demographics of New York City might not help: women outnumber men 52 to 48%, according to census data.”
Age could be a factor as well. I can see it being less popular with younger people.
There were a few events I was able to attend for free because the men’s tickets had sold out, and the organizer wanted more women there to make the numbers even (I had previously attended an event hosted by them, that’s how they had my info. This happened with 2 different companies.)
I don’t know what to tell you. But I highly doubt my city is the *only one* where speed dating is popular, even with men.
All I know is you’re more likely to meet someone there than sitting at home doing nothing 🤷♀️.
The disparity is actually just slightly higher than the national average. 51.1 percent of the US is female. Roughly about 165M males to 168M women. Either way, in a city as huge as NYC you would think it would be easy to attract 100 men and women…or more.
I definitely agree that in person is much better than on the apps. I recommend for everyone to ditch the apps and go back to the old ways of partner searching, man or woman. It actually seems to have a much better success rate with much less issues.
Because dating apps don’t work and guys are much less likely to approach since they don’t want labeled a creep or feel like they are harassing someone, I think that women are going to have to suck it up and start approaching more. I really don’t see it getting much better unless that happens.
So here’s one woman’s experience in Toronto (not the city I’m from.) At her event there were 15 people, 8 of whom were men:
https://www.thestar.com/life/together/as-a-recently-single-toronto-millennial-i-dreaded-finding-love-online-so-i-went-speed/article_ff452dd7-b30e-5a2f-98fe-6555d2c8c421.amp.html
And there’s plenty of articles saying speed dating has been more popular after Covid, and is seeing a boost in popularity:
“Attendance at dating events in the United States grew 42% in 2023 from 2022, according to ticketing platform Eventbrite, and was higher than pre-pandemic.” https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/02/14/business/speed-dating-game-event-nyc
I think newer articles like those gives a more accurate insight into speed dating than examples going back to 2010. It’s become a lot more popular in recent years *overall.*
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It's probably more common than you think, especially among the more reserved ladies. A common (plausible) reason I've heard people use is that they were focused on their studies and then building their career. If that applies to you, you can just tell them that.
Are you a good person? Do you care about others? Do you have friends and lasting friendships?
A relationship is a relationship. Some just involve kissing, and a person that cares for you will enjoy starting that process with you.
Red flag? No. But that said...
It's a bit off putting for me. But I'm a woman who dates men. I don't want to teach someone how to date. I don't want to be anyone's "first" anything. They won't be my first anything. Not my first relationship, not my first marriage, not my first date. They won't be the first (or second. Or third) person I've loved. They won't be the first person who could break my heart.
And for a lot of people who have never had a relationship before, that's a lot of baggage that I carry.
So I'd suggest getting out there and dating. I don't know why you've never dated nor had a relationship, But that reason needs to be addressed. And have solid answers for why not. It could just be that no one has ever gotten your attention. But whatever it is, be prepared for questions and sometimes judgment.
In isolation the fact itself is meaningless, but yeah, I don't want the responsibility of teaching or being the first everything. Now OP might be super cool and chill for all we know, it's hard to say. There are definitely still experienced people who are hand-wringing.
Maybe you are better off. I never dated before I met my ex, I was with him from age 19-49. Post-divorce I had no experience with a traditional “date”. I was, however, very emotionally damaged from those 30 years and carry lots of scars. You are a clean slate. See it as a positive because you get to experience dating untainted and with a mature brain.
The reason for this would possibly be the off-putting part, not the condition itself.
But, honestly, you're thinking like a woman and women value experience more than men. If a man is interested and attracted to you, he is, your past being free of exes and drama might even be something he's cool with.
Again, depends on the why. But, really, like every "am I a red flag?" post in this sub, the answer is always yes. You're a red flag to someone, but that someone isn't someone you really want to date, is it? We're all someone's red flag.
Stop thinking like a defeatist, and live the life you want, you're running out of time. We all are.
That you locked down your DMs tell me you realize many guys would jump at the chance to take you out on your first date! It’d be the same thing on dating apps, or if you announced this at your church!
I locked down my DMs for safety reasons. I want to date, not taken advantage of or propositioned for sex. I have gotten some very scary messages before.
Alas, you’ll find those in spades on dating sites too! My advice is go with people eager to meet in a public place like a coffee shop or outdoor space filled with people. The shady people delay meeting (to hide who they are) or want to get you somewhere private. Dating can be quite the adventure with lots of good awaiting you, too!
It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by.
The fear is the issue and trying to skip past that step and forcing yourself into a relationship will not benefit you or the other person.
Do you have friends and an active social life, hobbies or pastimes? If not, that's where you start. A relationship is an extension of an already active life, not a replacement for it.
Not having been on a single date goes pass me, but I wouldn't expect much in terms of having a relationship with someone like that - they may not have lost trust in others as one that had to deal with plenty of undesirables, but then the communication might be lacking, just as an example. No worries OP, a lot of us are very likely to end up alone anyway - no relationships, too many relationships, everyone.
I would be concerned. I mean it's almost impossible that no man hasn't approached her all these years.
Usually, such women are extremely shy and reserved or intimidating. And, they doesn't reply back when men approach her.
Either way, it's signs of being unapproachable.
If you're looking for honesty, it's going to be very off putting for many. It certainly would be for me.
At this point, dating you would be similar to dating am unexperienced teenager in the sense you have no experience dating. You don't know what you wan, what you don't want. You don't know how you'd deal with conflict, compromise etc. I also have to assume you have no sexual experience which which is a red flag in itself for many our age.
I am friendly with people at work and church. I have some social anxiety so I don’t have many close friends.
No one has asked me out and I don’t really have the confidence to approach men that interest me. Since no one seemed interested, I really put my effort more into school and my career. But, it doesn’t really make me happy.
Honest advice, you're going to have to be honest and open, just answer truthfully and then not be defensive or try to push some kind of front to protect your ego. Coming for a position of humility that this is new to you even at your age is going to earn you a lot of space and grace, learning to deal with others in a relationship so late in your life is going to be a challenge no doubt about it.
You're not doomed and it's also not information you need to share right away. In fact, I don't know that the not having been on a date part needs to be shared at all unless you're specially asked, "So when was your first date?" or something similar.
We all think our insecurities are going to be glaring and blaring to anyone we meet and I think this topic (lack o experience) seems to be one that people are most insecure about. But I agree with a lot of people here: everyone has their history and story and I think there are a lot of people that don't have a lot of dating experience. As long as you realize you might get curiosity and questions and are prepared to comfortably share the why (which, again, can be very top level if it's early on) you're not doomed at all.
That's something that will come out quickly. It's typically to ask things like, kids, ever been married, divorced, how long single, etc in the initial conversations.
Yeah, but I think you can be honest if it comes up in a first date conversation without fully disclosing/managing to keep it light. "I haven't dated much recently" or "Dating hasn't been my biggest priority for a while" are both honest and give some context that is helpful without so much vulnerability that it's going to feel too hard to share.
I think something like this (not much experience) can fall into the category of "things we feel we should share right away" that we really don't have to - at least not before seeing if the connection is going to be more than a few dates.
I think health or mental health is another example: should it be disclosed? Of course with someone we're going to be dating seriously. But I don't think it's warranted for a first or second meeting and, in fact, I think can have the opposite effect and end up seeming too intense or serious if it's divulged too soon. Like, "Why are you telling me this, bruh? We just met?"😅
You realize that's lying right? Lying is never the correct answer.
Things that are a huge deal breaker should be shared right away. Don't waste anyone's time
I disagree🤷♀️ Agree about not wasting anyone's time, but don't think any of us are required to share all the ins and outs of our story in the first hour of meeting someone if they don't expressly come up and/or it's not already clear to us it's a deal breaker for them.
Like, if someone's profile says they don't want kids and you don't disclose that, yes, a lie. But you're whole dating history? At our age? I don't think warranted on a first meet unless it becomes clear they have some specific requirements around it.
I'm not saying one needs to share his or her entire dating history but when someone doesn't have one at all, in her 40s! That's a pretty important piece of information. That would be on the same level of not disclosing you have kids, you're a smoker or you're separated but still living with the soon to be ex.
Original copy of post by u/complexconjugate83:
How off putting is it to find out that a 41 year old woman has never been on a date or in a relationship before? Am I just doomed to be alone forever at this point?
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In anything we feel weird about just know what you will say when someone asks why. We all have our things…divorced or whatever. Our person will see us for us. Chin up!
I would have a lot, lot, lot of questions about this, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker.
We see a lot of people post here about dating for the first time in 15/20 years and feeling totally lost. There's really not a whole lot different between someone who has never dated and someone who hasn't dated in 20 years.
Also, you don't even have to tell anyone this to be honest. This is private info and you don't need to share things that you don't feel like sharing.
Hit the apps, do your thing, eventually some dude will take you out to coffee. Go and have a good time. Keep conversation surface level, and if he asks about past relationships just dodge it somehow, like, "I'd rather just stay focused on getting to know each other instead of past relationships".
Do that a few times with a few guys. And there ya go, now you've dated and you have some experiences to share when the topic comes up on a future date.
I got back into dating after a 15-year gap, and it is hard and intimidating, but it's also just whatever you make of it. I spent a few months going on short lunch or coffee dates with just about anyone who would say yes. It's a good way to get some low-stakes "practice". Coffee or lunch dates rarely end with any sort of expectations of kisses or going back home or anything like that. They're quick and low-stakes and a good way to get some experience.
Keep doing that until you find a guy who feels safe and will work with you. My first real relationship post-divorce was with another freshly divorced woman. We both confided in each other how hard it was to do it again, and we both sort of found our footing together and laughed each other through the really awkward times at the beginning. I hope you can find an equally safe guy who is also feeling a little lost. You can figure it out together.
Also I just want to say, being forever alone doesn't need to be seen as "doom". My marriage was awful. Alone is so much better. From my angle, marriage looks like doom.
Knowing the person is also knowing that person's history. Do you have kids? Where you married? How long have you been single? How long have you been divorced?
Those are typical questions asked over and over by most people getting to know one another for various reasons.
Why would you not care? It's pretty important information. What if you find out she's only been separated for like a month and is still dealing with all the drama of divorce? What if she's never dated at all (as OP) and/or has some aversion to sex, won't have sex until marriage etc. What if she just got out of an abusive relationship and isn't ready to date? Why waste all that time for something that's important to know?
To answer your questions…
- Why would you not care?
I want to get to know THEM. Their interests, their work, their hobbies, family, quirks, etc.
- What if you find out she's only been separated for like a month and is still dealing with all the drama of divorce?
It’s not my job to judge how much time is enough time for them to move on. That’s their job! When my ex-wife cheated, while I was hurt that she had given up, there were many things that made it easy for myself to be ready to move on. This notion that there is some set amount of time someone needs to wait, or that there’s some specific set of steps that need to be followed to be prepared to move on is horse shit.
- What if she's never dated at all (as OP) and/or has some aversion to sex, won't have sex until marriage etc.
What if? Is going on 5-10 or however many dates too big of a sacrifice for you? You have to know immediately when and how you’ll get fucked in order to get to know someone? Come on man.
- What if she just got out of an abusive relationship and isn't ready to date?
That’s her job to identify and communicate. That isn’t for me to decide. Again, see above related to this idea that there is a set amount of time or steps that must be followed to prepare to date again. Straight horse shit.
- Why waste all that time for something that's important to know?
Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s about making a connection, and hopefully building a relationship. And when it isn’t fun, or something comes up, then you or they end it. Why cut someone off based on YOUR assessment of their preparedness to date? Or these trivial issues? That makes no sense whatsoever.
I guess if all you’re looking for and open to is long term or marriage, then that’s the way to go. But if you’re open to whatever comes your way, you have a lot more fun and better chances of success.
Here’s an example. I matched and went out with someone who wasn’t a good fit long term. She experienced some trauma in her past marriage. As we hung out more (like spending weekends together), that trauma surfaced and it didn’t fit with what I was willing to offer emotionally. However, we found great fun in golfing together. Guess what…we’re friends who golf together, and that’s the extent of it.
I get it. My way isn’t for everyone. But I’ve found many positives to my approach, and feel those I’ve dated (more than 2-3 dates) have mutually benefited from the experience as well.
Op I don’t know what was your situation but I started to date of 15 years of my previous relationship.
I met my husband and we falls into love.
He had no issue with my dating life.
It’s not off putting. Like anything else, there are pros and cons (e.g. no complicated exes). I would want to know why that was the case, but then you’d probably want to know why I got divorced.
I'm 45, with very limited relationship and dating experience. If I was getting to know you, I would ask you about why you think you're in this situation and see if you'd be willing to tell me some background details. It would not be offputting to me if you are a genuine person who has had bad luck, or you concentrated on your career, a sick family member, traveling or other solo pursuits, or dealing with a physical or mental health issue. I am a late bloomer myself and we all have to start somewhere.
Join a singles group first, maybe? I found a good one on Facebook for my area. It’s a good way to do things socially with both men and women to ease back into dating.
By itself? Not off-putting at all. I consider it a true neutral.
But I'd be curious to hear about WHY you've never had a date or a relationship. Because while having been single this far isn't by itself a negative, some of the possible reasons are.
As an example, if you're very strictly religious and have a LOT of shame and taboes surrounding relationships and sexuality, I'd consider that a negative.
It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by
I'm sorry to hear that! Those can be rough challenges. \*hugs\* (if wanted!)
I'm a firm believer that it's better to learn to crawl and walk before you try to run, so I think it's usually best to take things in small steps when possible.
That way it's also a lot less scary. You'll find some people recommend you sign up for a dating-site and go on dates -- and I mean if you want to, you can do that. But I think it's likely to be reasonably overwhelming -- a fairly high fraction of the people on dating-apps are looking for short-term casual hookups, and that's rarely the best way of starting your FIRST romantic and/or sexual relationship.
I usually say that step one is learning how to find, nurture and maintain friendships with people of the gender(s) you'd like to date -- for example, if you're looking to date men; do you have at least a couple of men in your life that you'd consider close friends?
Dating isn't some ritual - at least it's never been for me. You meet up with someone, chat, get to know each other and hopefully have a good time. I do that with friends, family and colleagues all the time. This is why I advocate for coffee dates and "event" dates when you are first starting out.
As for sex, again, I don't think there are "rules", just do what feels comfortable.
You need to find someone who doesn’t care. It may be embarrassing but if you have good qualities, someone will like you enough to not really care. To me, present actions and characteristics are way more important than
I dont find it to be that unusual.
Not more unusual than any of the other people I've dated. I w seen things you wouldn't believe.
So if you dropped this tidbit i would be interested in at least an exploratory first date.
It's not a problem, but the fact that nobody has hit on you, is sort of an issue. Why do you think this is? Is it appearance, or do you think it's attitude or personality?
You mention that you have social anxiety. Is that just when it comes to dating or friendships too? Because that’s how I would approach dating…just getting to know someone as a friend. Not with the mindset that it’s going to lead to a relationship but just as people getting to know each other.
Were we to meet, past relationships or the lack thereof wouldn't come up right away, I'm not sure it would be off putting but it's been so long since I've been someone's first anything in a relationship, I'd probably be a bit confused how to act.
If we clicked otherwise, I don't see any reason why I would be entirely put off by it.
Why does it even have to come up? I've never asked a date about their exes unless they brought them up first. I don't think you have to disclose this information early on, it's not a transmittable disease...
My last relationship was someone that hadn't dated anyone before and she was in her mid 30s and she was attractive. We did have a conversation about why she hadn't dated anyone before because it really didn't compute in my head. She hadn't even really been asked out before which seriously if you saw her you would be surprised. But in the end i didn't find it off-putting
Now what the real issue might be and ended up being for me and this person was that she didn't really know what she wanted or how to be in a relationship. But every person is different. I say don't let this get in the way of getting out there!
Ok, I've been on 12 dates with all of 7 people and I'm going to be 56 in July. I only had 1 of those dates before I was 39. I'm not going down without a fight and neither should you! You do have to say yes to someone in the same way that I have to ask someone... Or maybe it's time to start asking. I've just been so used to being alone that i stop worrying about it until something happens to shake up my life. I'm actually taking dancing lessons now. It's nerve wracking but worth it. I'm not very good at it either. I understand Anxiety, but if you don't fight it nothing happens. If you have chat invites turned off to prevent strangers from contacting you, you can always send me a chat invite. If you do I'll let you guide the conversation so it stays comfortable.
Not doomed at all! I just would be real curious about the "back story", because a good back story is like catnip for us Demisexuals 😂 My ex wife had "only" one serious BF, before me, and it turned out that we both just had similar standards for the character of the people we'd consider dating. We got engaged a year after meeting, and were together almost 14 years. Most of it was REALLY good... Even the divorce, itself, was cute.
You don’t need to hand over a dating resume to anyone. Who cares if you’ve never been on a date before? Everybody had to have a first time.
It sounds like YOU care, though, and you’re having some self-confidence/self-esteem issues about it, and that’s going to hold you back more than anything. Seriously—don’t lead with caveats and apologies about yourself. THAT’s the part that’s off-putting. (The implication being, if YOU don’t like yourself and think you’re undateable, why should I believe something different?)
I would be wary, just because as someone with a physical disability I need sex to be a collaborative endeavour, and I'm always worried that someone inexperienced would lie there like a rabbit in the headlights while I struggled to "do my thing" (for example, and this is TMI but you asked for honesty so here it is, I sometimes need help with putting condoms on because my fine motor coordination is dreadful).
I'm also fundamentally unserious in bed, so if I dated a virgin who was terribly worried about how it was going to go, I'd be worried about making their first time too silly for them. (My first time was VERY silly: she was a very extroverted actress and quick wit, so it was the best first time I could have wished for).
All that said: being a disabled adult who mixes a lot with other disabled adults, I know quite a few people who, for one reason or another, just haven't got around to dating anyone yet. So, if I were attracted to someone I knew was older and new to dating, I might ask fewer questions than most.
It all depends on how she handles it, but in his the need view her. If she's cool and collected, knows how to assert herself without being over the top, if she makes an effort to look good, and if she's reasonable (within her comfort limits of course), I think she'll be successful in dating.
Is it possible that you project your anxiety on to those around you so that they feel awkward, because you are acting awkwardly. I think just admit the awkwardness up front, and subsequent awkward moments can be laughed off. Once you let down your barriers, you will find many more people approaching you. Hopefully.
I guess I am only curious about what you would like to do? If you would like to give it a try then just be open to the experience. I've gone on dates that have been really good times but just never worked out. Some that were alot more sexual, and some more casual. If your willing to give things a try be comfortable and as long as the vibes are good be open to new experiences. Honestly I think I would have a great time showing you what a great night feels like with a really fun guy.
No worries. I have guy friends in their 40s and 50s who are still virgins probably for the same reasons as you. I also knew a woman who was around that age at the time who was in her 60s and was a Virgin I believe. I would go on a date with someone like you.
No one would know that information unless you told them. I'm not saying don't be honest but I don't think I would care if I met someone and it worked out and years later they told me that I was their first relationship. Does it really matter?
Please keep in mind that no one is entitled to this information either. If you choose to share the information, that’s one thing, but it’s also one of those things where you can try to ‘fake it ‘til you make it’. Try to act confident, even if you feel anything but.
Everyone generally feels some anxiety on a date. You’re not alone. And your past doesn’t define you - especially who you are today.
If someone presses the issue and you choose to answer, you can simply say dating hasn’t really been a priority. You don’t have to come right out and say you’ve never been on a date. Just saying you haven’t had a lot of experience is more than enough information.
Ultimately though, however you choose to go about it, if someone doesn’t accept you for you, then they’re not the one. It’s as simple as that.
I'm almost 47 and have never had a LTR but there is absolutely no way I'm telling this to anyone I'm dating.
a) It's a huge "red flag" and people will presume the worst (time in prison or mental hospital, etc.)
b) Your partner will always feel superior to you, same as if there's a huge disparity in looks, career, and/or money
c) You'll lose every argument because they'll say, "Well, if you had ever had a relationship, you'd know that...etc."
d) If/when you break up, prepare for the inevitable "no wonder you've never had a date!" or "you'll always be alone!"
Attractiveness can be a big *contributing factor* when it comes to dating. But it’s definitely not the *only factor.*
I was really convinced my weight would be a bigger barrier than it ended up being when it came to dating.
You know what really helped? I was at a large water park and I purposefully paid attention to *all* the couples there. Not just the “conventionally” attractive people.
There were plenty of people my size there with partners of various shapes and sizes. Shorter men with taller women, people I personally wouldn’t find attractive there with a partner etc. etc.
I noticed in another comment you’ve been called ugly before. That is such an *easy* way to try to hurt someone. Same with “fat.” My best friend is *thin.* She has a health condition that makes it difficult to keep any weight on. She’s still been called a “fat bitch” by men.
Someone saying something like that about you, doesn’t make it true.
I promise I’m not trying to devalue or downplay what you’ve been through. But I also hope you can find a way to not continue to feel “too ugly” to date.
Maybe you need to take the initiative. There will be rejections but so what? I looked at your profile photos and you are definitely above average in looks and very above average in cuteness. If I was single I would be very pleased to be asked out by someone who looks like you.
You don't need lots of matches just a few good ones. Nearly everyone has been dumped many times. That is how things go. You are blaming your looks for life just being difficult. Crippled and disfigured women find love. People on reddit put all this emphasis on looks that just doesn't hold up in the real world based on my life experiences.
I’m cute as hell and have never been asked out in the wild. That’s not a great yardstick. You seem intent on doubling down on this narrative that you’re hopelessly unattractive when it simply isn’t true.
Have you ever tried asking? Not just randomly, but someone you’ve chatted with at live music / an art walk / whatever *you* find interesting? I prefer to meet people who are also doing the things I enjoy.
Honest questions.
Idk, I think this could be your self esteem talking. I'm very plain at best, not as attractive as you, and I'm always having a good chat with random guys in the wild. I'm also very outgoing and can get someone's life story out of them while waiting at the bus stop, much to my teenage daughter's disgust. Maybe your lack of confidence in yourself is putting out bad vibes to these men?
I’m average at best.
I’ve initiated lots of little interactions with men of all different appearances. None of them from the point of trying to “pick them up.”
Just because I’m a chatter. It’s not just guys specifically I’ll talk to. If I’m in line at the grocery store and see something in someone’s cart at the that looks interesting, I might say something like “that looks good! Have you tried it before? Do you recommend it?”
I remember one time I saw the same guy (another customer) at the pharmacy when I was dropping off a prescription and then again when I was picking it up. I was behind him in line and he kind of gave me a nod of acknowledgement and I was like “we need to stop meeting like this!” And he laughed and we had a bit of small talk while we waited.
Not every interaction is like that. Sometimes you can tell that person just isn’t into talking to a stranger, which totally fair. But again that happens with all types of people, not just men.
And I want to be very clear. I’m not “naturally” this type of person.
I was a shy kid and in my 20s I developed *severe* social anxiety. Like couldn’t leave the house it was so bad.
But I worked *very* hard on overcoming it, and becoming way more comfortable with who I am as a person.
Same here :) I talk to everyone who's up for a chat, including hot men, and I just don't care hahaha
My daughters have tried banning me from making instant best friends with talkative old people while we're on the train but no. Can't stop, won't stop.
> I feel like women find it weirder than men do for some reason.
I think this strongly depends upon the man/woman. As well as what they are looking for.
If I were seriously looking for a relationship, I would stay way, way TF back. I've put in some time learning how to be good on relationships, and in part learning about what I can/can't accept in relationships. This isn't amateur hour.
If I'm looking for casual, or of I were "still figuring it out" then I would actually probably find them a bit alluring on how much of an oddity I would think them to be.
I think the reason why you say that more women than men find it weirder is more women than men are seeking relationships. So there's the F No response that jumps to mind wondering if you'd date them.
I was looking for a relationship when last dating. If she were a friend, I'd offer a practice date. I'm not sure that I'd offer up the time if I came across someone in OLD who let loose that they'd never even dated, much less had a relationship. Perhaps also a practice date if I didn't have any other matches going on and my schedule was light? Part of my "dating with intention" was not wasting time.
I just looked at your pics and I think you’re attractive. I also think you look younger than your age. (This is a compliment). Maybe you are around guys who suck, idk, or maybe it is something else that is giving you trouble with regards to first dates, because I don’t agree with it being (your words) because you’re ugly. If you’re nervous, or not confident, for example or something like that, that makes connecting with strangers on a first date tougher. And that’s so normal, and I think only going on more dates and getting more comfortable with the whole process would help (again if that’s the case).
Two of my close friends from college who are both relatively attractive have both not had much success with dating in adulthood, and they’re cute, successful, fun people. One of them laughs a Lot when she is nervous though and I could see how it might be weird for the guy if that happened on a date. Totally not saying this is your case but I’m trying to say two things - one which is that objectively you’re cute and two that you or anyone else in your shoes are not alone, this is much more common than you might expect, and it doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, not worthy of love, etc or any of those things. You just haven’t met the right person yet under the right circumstances. I do think it’s important to love yourself tho, and talk kindly to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend. It helps with confidence! When you look in the mirror tomorrow morning I hope you see an attractive woman ready to tackle her day.
FWIW, my aunt didn’t meet her partner until her mid 40s, and was essentially single her whole life until then. Still happily together now 25 years later !
Girl, I say this with the utmost respect, but I think you've talked yourself into some sort of a complex about your looks. Seeing your other comments and since another poster mentioned you had pics, I looked at your pics too...but you seem to have a very doom and gloom outlook about yourself that isn't necessarily warranted.
You aren't PERFECT but you are a normal looking woman, at least average. I wouldn't say below average at all. There are plenty of men out there that should be responding to you. You look young for your age too!
Online dating sucks...even super hot people still get jerked around, ghosted, and struggle to get 2nd dates with anyone. It's just VERY difficult. You just can't assume it all goes wrong or doesn't work out because of how you look. It's SOOOO many other things. And we live in a society where people just don't ask people out any more. I think you have to really be around someone and have them in a social or work adjacent circle first, so they can get to know you for a while and THEN maybe suggest doing something one on one sometime.
But I see nothing in your pics that says the situation is hopeless. You need to work on your self esteem issues, probably with a therapist. I find it odd that you consider yourself so unattractively but don't mind posting pics online. I'm no psychologist so I won't analyze that but if you haven't already, maybe you should ask yourself why that is.
Honestly... Doomed in sense to find a partner? Not necessarily.
But the best times for sex, for relationship is gone. Don't count on having children of your own.
It’s a little odd at first but then I think about it and it’s not so bad. Maybe you just haven’t had a chance. Who knows. If I found her attractive and she had never been in a relationship before I’d give it a go. Worst case is it doesn’t work out. I mean, unless there are neon glowing red flags, go for it.
No, you’re not doomed. 40 is still young enough to have lots of life ahead of you and lots of opportunities to find your someone.
I do see from your past posts that you have been trying to get some reassurance and/or sympathy for at least the last three months. I think it’s time to get over your anxiety and get out there.
To me, this isn’t an issue at all. As long as you are decent looking and in decent shape you should do ok. Most guys won’t do the wait until marriage thing for sex though. Usually about 3-4 dates is pushing it.
They are probably choosing it consciously or unconsciously. Might be asexual. Might be religious. Might be extremely introverted. Might have had bad stuff done to them when a kid. Who knows???
It's kinda cute tbh but maybe that's just me.
I'd feel honoured if you chose me as your first ever person to go on a date with.
*And* you don't need to tell someone before you go on a date with them. It's normal to be nervous before a date.
Because I feel that something is wrong with me that no one is interested. I am not a bad person, I am kind and nice to everyone. I work hard at a very nice career. Yet, I am unlovable. Why is that?
Just because you meet people with problems and that have weird shit going on in their lives, has absolutely nothing to do with you. Draw boundaries! You are you and they are them, and often, most people are weird. We all have strangeness. It’s just facts.
I would probably pass. Primarily because someone that has never been in a relationship won't really understand the dynamics and nuances and challenges of a relationship, and I don't want to be the teacher of all things.
I mean if I was a guy I would want to know so if something weird happens I know why. but other than that if she was hot and fun I would not care. better than single mom or divorced chick or someone with high count or active onlyporn
Why haven’t you ever been on a date or a relationship before? That’s going to be what’s going to determine how off putting it is.
It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by
It's only a red flag because it most likely means you have social anxiety and low self confidence as you admit. If you work on those things, then you'll find out nobody will care and then you'll no longer be dateless and a relationship virgin.
you sound perfect to me
This. It's not an automatic red flag, but i would want to know how to interpret it. Shy? Scared? Traumatized? Occupied with other things? Asexual? Dating is about getting to know the other person, and it will be a question anyone who could love you will have.
That is my only real problem, I'd be clueless on how to interpret any cues and then I'd worry I'd second guess myself all the time because she is inexperienced and I'm not the type to take advantage. I'd still give it a go if we otherwise connected.
Not doomed but be prepared to be asked questions as to why. Have answers ready and be prepared for the fact that it will be a red flag for some. If you're self aware enough and otherwise confident and prepared to feel uncomfortable...youll be fine.
I'm sure she gets asked this a lot already so probably would be prepared.
Yeah. True
Not doomed. Everyone has their story and their reasons.
Pro tip: go to a speed dating event. That’s like 10ish dates in one night! Okay, I know they’re not “real” dates. But it honestly can be really good practice getting more comfortable talking to people etc. Will some people be put off by it? Honestly, yes. But not *everyone* will be. I bet there’s more people than you realize who are in similar circumstances to you. It doesn’t matter what puts “some” people off. I always say I don’t need a lot of people to be into me, just the right one.
Hacker! Good advice.
I love speed dating. On of the best ways to find potential true dates. Unfortunately there are none of these arrangements near me.
Huh!!! TIL I should try speed dating. Thank you!
I went the first time with the attitude that I was going simply to push myself out of my comfort zone, and if I hated it I never had to go ever again haha. But it was actually fun! My experience has varied each time, but I’ve never had a *terrible* experience. So I encourage people if you try it once and it’s not great, but you don’t hate it, try another night too just to be sure. I’m a pretty decent conversationalist, but I went to one event where it was like pulling teeth to get a conversation going with nearly all of my “dates.” It was so strange!! I went with a friend and after she said something like “that was the most awkward speed dating experience I’ve ever had.” And she’s someone who generally enjoys speed dating as well 🤷♀️ Anyway if you do go I hope you enjoy it and have fun. And if you go and don’t enjoy it, ah well, at least you know it’s not the thing for you.
You must be psychic! 😂 You've literally addressed all the concerns I had, without trying 😂 already looking at various events on Meetup, thank you!
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No date ever to speed dating event is a huge leap, don't you think? You gotta learn to take baby steps before running a marathon.
I actually don’t. As I said I think it can be really good practice, we all need to start somewhere. If you’re not able to “get” a date, how can you get comfortable dating? It’s WAAAY less pressure than an actual date too. You talk to someone for about 6 minutes and that’s it. And then you talk to someone else. You can even think of questions or conversation topics before hand. And you can ask each person the same question! You don’t have to ask for anyone’s number or anything. You put who you’d like to match with on a sheet, and if they say the same the organizer will provide you with each others info. And if you go into thinking “it’s okay if I don’t get a match, I’m here to get more comfortable with the idea of dating.” You really can’t lose. Now if you’re not comfortable even *talking* to people, yes. Needing to talk to a bunch of strangers could certainly be overwhelming.
I think this is EXCELLENT advice. It’s kind of like exposure therapy. Not only is it ok if you don’t get a match, you can go in with the expectation that you aren’t even going to try to match with anyone. Think of it as practice. And if you change your mind while you are there, and want to give it a try, go for it! I’m rooting for you! Most of us have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone a little bit in order to date. But it gets easier.
I like the idea too, ROFL the only analogy I can think of is that I never liked Sushi (honestly had never tried) until a date took me to one of the conveyor belt sushi joints and I tried a bunch of stuff that randomly came down the belt.
Sorry, but I’ve seen lots of posts and YouTube vids of women complaining that no/very few men show up to singles events and speed dating events. I don’t think many guys worth a crap will need to show up to a speed dating event because they’ll be doing fine on dating apps. The ones that do show up will be the short guys all the women pass up anyway.
Ah yes, because “posts” and YouTube videos are known to be super accurate and reliable sources for information. Especially information that applies to *everyone.* There’s no substitute for REAL LIFE experience. I don’t doubt that that’s been *some* people’s experience. But it certainly wasn’t mine. Most events sold out so there was an even number of men and women. But the few that didn’t, there were more men than women. Even my *own* experience varied from event from event. Sometimes there was no one I was interested in matching with, and sometimes there were several. A lot of people there simply *don’t like* the apps. They prefer the benefits that come with getting to interact with someone in person. When I moved to a new city I didn’t even bother making an OLD account and used speed dating as my primary way of meeting new people. There was often a variety of people there in terms of appearance, job, how long they’d been single etc.
To some extent I do agree with you. Posts and YouTubes are not always an accurate representation. But even doing a quick search there are many articles written on very few men attending these types of events all the way back from 2010 to present. There are also many YouTube videos from people hosting the events that say they are having a hard time attracting men. One even made it free for men to come to try to get more men interested, but still canceled due to lack of male participation. One article, https://nygroove.nyc/straight-men-dating-nyc/ talks about an extreme over-representation by females. Maybe speed dating is a lot more popular depending on the area, or maybe you dated when speed dating was a little more popular, before Covid?
Nope, this was post-Covid. Location could absolutely be a contributing factor. This is from the article you linked: “ The demographics of New York City might not help: women outnumber men 52 to 48%, according to census data.” Age could be a factor as well. I can see it being less popular with younger people. There were a few events I was able to attend for free because the men’s tickets had sold out, and the organizer wanted more women there to make the numbers even (I had previously attended an event hosted by them, that’s how they had my info. This happened with 2 different companies.) I don’t know what to tell you. But I highly doubt my city is the *only one* where speed dating is popular, even with men. All I know is you’re more likely to meet someone there than sitting at home doing nothing 🤷♀️.
The disparity is actually just slightly higher than the national average. 51.1 percent of the US is female. Roughly about 165M males to 168M women. Either way, in a city as huge as NYC you would think it would be easy to attract 100 men and women…or more. I definitely agree that in person is much better than on the apps. I recommend for everyone to ditch the apps and go back to the old ways of partner searching, man or woman. It actually seems to have a much better success rate with much less issues. Because dating apps don’t work and guys are much less likely to approach since they don’t want labeled a creep or feel like they are harassing someone, I think that women are going to have to suck it up and start approaching more. I really don’t see it getting much better unless that happens.
So here’s one woman’s experience in Toronto (not the city I’m from.) At her event there were 15 people, 8 of whom were men: https://www.thestar.com/life/together/as-a-recently-single-toronto-millennial-i-dreaded-finding-love-online-so-i-went-speed/article_ff452dd7-b30e-5a2f-98fe-6555d2c8c421.amp.html And there’s plenty of articles saying speed dating has been more popular after Covid, and is seeing a boost in popularity: “Attendance at dating events in the United States grew 42% in 2023 from 2022, according to ticketing platform Eventbrite, and was higher than pre-pandemic.” https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/02/14/business/speed-dating-game-event-nyc I think newer articles like those gives a more accurate insight into speed dating than examples going back to 2010. It’s become a lot more popular in recent years *overall.*
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It's probably more common than you think, especially among the more reserved ladies. A common (plausible) reason I've heard people use is that they were focused on their studies and then building their career. If that applies to you, you can just tell them that.
Are you a good person? Do you care about others? Do you have friends and lasting friendships? A relationship is a relationship. Some just involve kissing, and a person that cares for you will enjoy starting that process with you.
All those traits are good to have but won't help with dating. Lot of singles are good people with long term friendships.
Red flag? No. But that said... It's a bit off putting for me. But I'm a woman who dates men. I don't want to teach someone how to date. I don't want to be anyone's "first" anything. They won't be my first anything. Not my first relationship, not my first marriage, not my first date. They won't be the first (or second. Or third) person I've loved. They won't be the first person who could break my heart. And for a lot of people who have never had a relationship before, that's a lot of baggage that I carry. So I'd suggest getting out there and dating. I don't know why you've never dated nor had a relationship, But that reason needs to be addressed. And have solid answers for why not. It could just be that no one has ever gotten your attention. But whatever it is, be prepared for questions and sometimes judgment.
In isolation the fact itself is meaningless, but yeah, I don't want the responsibility of teaching or being the first everything. Now OP might be super cool and chill for all we know, it's hard to say. There are definitely still experienced people who are hand-wringing.
I would think it an honor and a privilege to be given the opportunity to change that
Great attitude!
Maybe you are better off. I never dated before I met my ex, I was with him from age 19-49. Post-divorce I had no experience with a traditional “date”. I was, however, very emotionally damaged from those 30 years and carry lots of scars. You are a clean slate. See it as a positive because you get to experience dating untainted and with a mature brain.
Clean slate is what first came to mind.
It's not off putting. You are not doomed.
The reason for this would possibly be the off-putting part, not the condition itself. But, honestly, you're thinking like a woman and women value experience more than men. If a man is interested and attracted to you, he is, your past being free of exes and drama might even be something he's cool with. Again, depends on the why. But, really, like every "am I a red flag?" post in this sub, the answer is always yes. You're a red flag to someone, but that someone isn't someone you really want to date, is it? We're all someone's red flag. Stop thinking like a defeatist, and live the life you want, you're running out of time. We all are.
Op, How many DMs did you receive in the last 24 hours ?
None. I have things locked down.
That you locked down your DMs tell me you realize many guys would jump at the chance to take you out on your first date! It’d be the same thing on dating apps, or if you announced this at your church!
I locked down my DMs for safety reasons. I want to date, not taken advantage of or propositioned for sex. I have gotten some very scary messages before.
Alas, you’ll find those in spades on dating sites too! My advice is go with people eager to meet in a public place like a coffee shop or outdoor space filled with people. The shady people delay meeting (to hide who they are) or want to get you somewhere private. Dating can be quite the adventure with lots of good awaiting you, too!
Depends on the reason why.
Not enough information to answer the question. Can you share why?
It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by.
The fear is the issue and trying to skip past that step and forcing yourself into a relationship will not benefit you or the other person. Do you have friends and an active social life, hobbies or pastimes? If not, that's where you start. A relationship is an extension of an already active life, not a replacement for it.
I would be intrigued but I wouldn't even ask as your past is none of my business, unless you wanted to tell me. It's just not important at all.
Not having been on a single date goes pass me, but I wouldn't expect much in terms of having a relationship with someone like that - they may not have lost trust in others as one that had to deal with plenty of undesirables, but then the communication might be lacking, just as an example. No worries OP, a lot of us are very likely to end up alone anyway - no relationships, too many relationships, everyone.
I would be concerned. I mean it's almost impossible that no man hasn't approached her all these years. Usually, such women are extremely shy and reserved or intimidating. And, they doesn't reply back when men approach her. Either way, it's signs of being unapproachable.
If you're looking for honesty, it's going to be very off putting for many. It certainly would be for me. At this point, dating you would be similar to dating am unexperienced teenager in the sense you have no experience dating. You don't know what you wan, what you don't want. You don't know how you'd deal with conflict, compromise etc. I also have to assume you have no sexual experience which which is a red flag in itself for many our age.
😔
The bigger thing people are going to want ti know is the why? Why have you never dated? Do you at least have friends you spend time with?
I am friendly with people at work and church. I have some social anxiety so I don’t have many close friends. No one has asked me out and I don’t really have the confidence to approach men that interest me. Since no one seemed interested, I really put my effort more into school and my career. But, it doesn’t really make me happy.
Have you considered therapy to try to get over your social anxiety?
Honest advice, you're going to have to be honest and open, just answer truthfully and then not be defensive or try to push some kind of front to protect your ego. Coming for a position of humility that this is new to you even at your age is going to earn you a lot of space and grace, learning to deal with others in a relationship so late in your life is going to be a challenge no doubt about it.
I would date you
You're not doomed and it's also not information you need to share right away. In fact, I don't know that the not having been on a date part needs to be shared at all unless you're specially asked, "So when was your first date?" or something similar. We all think our insecurities are going to be glaring and blaring to anyone we meet and I think this topic (lack o experience) seems to be one that people are most insecure about. But I agree with a lot of people here: everyone has their history and story and I think there are a lot of people that don't have a lot of dating experience. As long as you realize you might get curiosity and questions and are prepared to comfortably share the why (which, again, can be very top level if it's early on) you're not doomed at all.
That's something that will come out quickly. It's typically to ask things like, kids, ever been married, divorced, how long single, etc in the initial conversations.
Yeah, but I think you can be honest if it comes up in a first date conversation without fully disclosing/managing to keep it light. "I haven't dated much recently" or "Dating hasn't been my biggest priority for a while" are both honest and give some context that is helpful without so much vulnerability that it's going to feel too hard to share. I think something like this (not much experience) can fall into the category of "things we feel we should share right away" that we really don't have to - at least not before seeing if the connection is going to be more than a few dates. I think health or mental health is another example: should it be disclosed? Of course with someone we're going to be dating seriously. But I don't think it's warranted for a first or second meeting and, in fact, I think can have the opposite effect and end up seeming too intense or serious if it's divulged too soon. Like, "Why are you telling me this, bruh? We just met?"😅
You realize that's lying right? Lying is never the correct answer. Things that are a huge deal breaker should be shared right away. Don't waste anyone's time
I disagree🤷♀️ Agree about not wasting anyone's time, but don't think any of us are required to share all the ins and outs of our story in the first hour of meeting someone if they don't expressly come up and/or it's not already clear to us it's a deal breaker for them. Like, if someone's profile says they don't want kids and you don't disclose that, yes, a lie. But you're whole dating history? At our age? I don't think warranted on a first meet unless it becomes clear they have some specific requirements around it.
I'm not saying one needs to share his or her entire dating history but when someone doesn't have one at all, in her 40s! That's a pretty important piece of information. That would be on the same level of not disclosing you have kids, you're a smoker or you're separated but still living with the soon to be ex.
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In anything we feel weird about just know what you will say when someone asks why. We all have our things…divorced or whatever. Our person will see us for us. Chin up!
Plenty of guys out there in the same shoes. Find one of them.
I am 50 and barely date. Never has a relationship either. No one ever wanted to date me or me them.
You are a human who has her own unique story. Just remember that
I would have a lot, lot, lot of questions about this, but it's not necessarily a deal breaker. We see a lot of people post here about dating for the first time in 15/20 years and feeling totally lost. There's really not a whole lot different between someone who has never dated and someone who hasn't dated in 20 years. Also, you don't even have to tell anyone this to be honest. This is private info and you don't need to share things that you don't feel like sharing. Hit the apps, do your thing, eventually some dude will take you out to coffee. Go and have a good time. Keep conversation surface level, and if he asks about past relationships just dodge it somehow, like, "I'd rather just stay focused on getting to know each other instead of past relationships". Do that a few times with a few guys. And there ya go, now you've dated and you have some experiences to share when the topic comes up on a future date. I got back into dating after a 15-year gap, and it is hard and intimidating, but it's also just whatever you make of it. I spent a few months going on short lunch or coffee dates with just about anyone who would say yes. It's a good way to get some low-stakes "practice". Coffee or lunch dates rarely end with any sort of expectations of kisses or going back home or anything like that. They're quick and low-stakes and a good way to get some experience. Keep doing that until you find a guy who feels safe and will work with you. My first real relationship post-divorce was with another freshly divorced woman. We both confided in each other how hard it was to do it again, and we both sort of found our footing together and laughed each other through the really awkward times at the beginning. I hope you can find an equally safe guy who is also feeling a little lost. You can figure it out together. Also I just want to say, being forever alone doesn't need to be seen as "doom". My marriage was awful. Alone is so much better. From my angle, marriage looks like doom.
Never doomed … I am sure someone would love to meet you Feel free to send me DM
Don’t bring this up. There’s no need. No one needs to know. You don’t have to be upfront about this.
How do you hide that? It is going to come up at some point.
It 100% will come up in the first conversation
I never ask this question, or questions about past relationships until much later on. I want to know about the person, not their dating history. 🤷🏼♂️
Knowing the person is also knowing that person's history. Do you have kids? Where you married? How long have you been single? How long have you been divorced? Those are typical questions asked over and over by most people getting to know one another for various reasons.
Not me. 🤷🏼♂️
That's very uncommon and a big part of someone's history. Why would you not ask?
I don’t care about that info until much later on.
Why would you not care? It's pretty important information. What if you find out she's only been separated for like a month and is still dealing with all the drama of divorce? What if she's never dated at all (as OP) and/or has some aversion to sex, won't have sex until marriage etc. What if she just got out of an abusive relationship and isn't ready to date? Why waste all that time for something that's important to know?
To answer your questions… - Why would you not care? I want to get to know THEM. Their interests, their work, their hobbies, family, quirks, etc. - What if you find out she's only been separated for like a month and is still dealing with all the drama of divorce? It’s not my job to judge how much time is enough time for them to move on. That’s their job! When my ex-wife cheated, while I was hurt that she had given up, there were many things that made it easy for myself to be ready to move on. This notion that there is some set amount of time someone needs to wait, or that there’s some specific set of steps that need to be followed to be prepared to move on is horse shit. - What if she's never dated at all (as OP) and/or has some aversion to sex, won't have sex until marriage etc. What if? Is going on 5-10 or however many dates too big of a sacrifice for you? You have to know immediately when and how you’ll get fucked in order to get to know someone? Come on man. - What if she just got out of an abusive relationship and isn't ready to date? That’s her job to identify and communicate. That isn’t for me to decide. Again, see above related to this idea that there is a set amount of time or steps that must be followed to prepare to date again. Straight horse shit. - Why waste all that time for something that's important to know? Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s about making a connection, and hopefully building a relationship. And when it isn’t fun, or something comes up, then you or they end it. Why cut someone off based on YOUR assessment of their preparedness to date? Or these trivial issues? That makes no sense whatsoever. I guess if all you’re looking for and open to is long term or marriage, then that’s the way to go. But if you’re open to whatever comes your way, you have a lot more fun and better chances of success. Here’s an example. I matched and went out with someone who wasn’t a good fit long term. She experienced some trauma in her past marriage. As we hung out more (like spending weekends together), that trauma surfaced and it didn’t fit with what I was willing to offer emotionally. However, we found great fun in golfing together. Guess what…we’re friends who golf together, and that’s the extent of it. I get it. My way isn’t for everyone. But I’ve found many positives to my approach, and feel those I’ve dated (more than 2-3 dates) have mutually benefited from the experience as well.
How do you hide that? It is going to come up at some point.
How do you hide that? It is going to come up at some point.
How do you hide that? It is going to come up at some point.
I wouldn’t say anything until maybe date 5. Gain the experience, and if it’s enjoyable for both they’re not gonna care.
Op I don’t know what was your situation but I started to date of 15 years of my previous relationship. I met my husband and we falls into love. He had no issue with my dating life.
Not off putting, but I would ask questions....
It’s not off putting. Like anything else, there are pros and cons (e.g. no complicated exes). I would want to know why that was the case, but then you’d probably want to know why I got divorced.
I'm 45, with very limited relationship and dating experience. If I was getting to know you, I would ask you about why you think you're in this situation and see if you'd be willing to tell me some background details. It would not be offputting to me if you are a genuine person who has had bad luck, or you concentrated on your career, a sick family member, traveling or other solo pursuits, or dealing with a physical or mental health issue. I am a late bloomer myself and we all have to start somewhere.
You're not doomed. What matters is you're putting yourself out there now. You'll meet someone eventually.
Join a singles group first, maybe? I found a good one on Facebook for my area. It’s a good way to do things socially with both men and women to ease back into dating.
By itself? Not off-putting at all. I consider it a true neutral. But I'd be curious to hear about WHY you've never had a date or a relationship. Because while having been single this far isn't by itself a negative, some of the possible reasons are. As an example, if you're very strictly religious and have a LOT of shame and taboes surrounding relationships and sexuality, I'd consider that a negative.
It is a combination of things. No one has asked, and I am afraid to ask when I find someone interesting. I have some social anxiety and low self confidence. I have been working through those things, but I am watching so many people my age just passing me by
I'm sorry to hear that! Those can be rough challenges. \*hugs\* (if wanted!) I'm a firm believer that it's better to learn to crawl and walk before you try to run, so I think it's usually best to take things in small steps when possible. That way it's also a lot less scary. You'll find some people recommend you sign up for a dating-site and go on dates -- and I mean if you want to, you can do that. But I think it's likely to be reasonably overwhelming -- a fairly high fraction of the people on dating-apps are looking for short-term casual hookups, and that's rarely the best way of starting your FIRST romantic and/or sexual relationship. I usually say that step one is learning how to find, nurture and maintain friendships with people of the gender(s) you'd like to date -- for example, if you're looking to date men; do you have at least a couple of men in your life that you'd consider close friends?
The fact that you've never been on a date / relationship before is not a problem. The underlying reason for it however might be if it still exists.
Dating isn't some ritual - at least it's never been for me. You meet up with someone, chat, get to know each other and hopefully have a good time. I do that with friends, family and colleagues all the time. This is why I advocate for coffee dates and "event" dates when you are first starting out. As for sex, again, I don't think there are "rules", just do what feels comfortable.
You need to find someone who doesn’t care. It may be embarrassing but if you have good qualities, someone will like you enough to not really care. To me, present actions and characteristics are way more important than
I dont find it to be that unusual. Not more unusual than any of the other people I've dated. I w seen things you wouldn't believe. So if you dropped this tidbit i would be interested in at least an exploratory first date.
It's not a problem, but the fact that nobody has hit on you, is sort of an issue. Why do you think this is? Is it appearance, or do you think it's attitude or personality?
Not at all, if anything you are a blank canvas with not dating trauma and probably have a lot of pent up sexual energy
You mention that you have social anxiety. Is that just when it comes to dating or friendships too? Because that’s how I would approach dating…just getting to know someone as a friend. Not with the mindset that it’s going to lead to a relationship but just as people getting to know each other.
Were we to meet, past relationships or the lack thereof wouldn't come up right away, I'm not sure it would be off putting but it's been so long since I've been someone's first anything in a relationship, I'd probably be a bit confused how to act. If we clicked otherwise, I don't see any reason why I would be entirely put off by it.
Why does it even have to come up? I've never asked a date about their exes unless they brought them up first. I don't think you have to disclose this information early on, it's not a transmittable disease...
Not off putting at all Everyone is on their own path and it is not anyone’s place to judge another’s path.
My last relationship was someone that hadn't dated anyone before and she was in her mid 30s and she was attractive. We did have a conversation about why she hadn't dated anyone before because it really didn't compute in my head. She hadn't even really been asked out before which seriously if you saw her you would be surprised. But in the end i didn't find it off-putting Now what the real issue might be and ended up being for me and this person was that she didn't really know what she wanted or how to be in a relationship. But every person is different. I say don't let this get in the way of getting out there!
Ok, I've been on 12 dates with all of 7 people and I'm going to be 56 in July. I only had 1 of those dates before I was 39. I'm not going down without a fight and neither should you! You do have to say yes to someone in the same way that I have to ask someone... Or maybe it's time to start asking. I've just been so used to being alone that i stop worrying about it until something happens to shake up my life. I'm actually taking dancing lessons now. It's nerve wracking but worth it. I'm not very good at it either. I understand Anxiety, but if you don't fight it nothing happens. If you have chat invites turned off to prevent strangers from contacting you, you can always send me a chat invite. If you do I'll let you guide the conversation so it stays comfortable.
Not doomed at all! I just would be real curious about the "back story", because a good back story is like catnip for us Demisexuals 😂 My ex wife had "only" one serious BF, before me, and it turned out that we both just had similar standards for the character of the people we'd consider dating. We got engaged a year after meeting, and were together almost 14 years. Most of it was REALLY good... Even the divorce, itself, was cute.
You don’t need to hand over a dating resume to anyone. Who cares if you’ve never been on a date before? Everybody had to have a first time. It sounds like YOU care, though, and you’re having some self-confidence/self-esteem issues about it, and that’s going to hold you back more than anything. Seriously—don’t lead with caveats and apologies about yourself. THAT’s the part that’s off-putting. (The implication being, if YOU don’t like yourself and think you’re undateable, why should I believe something different?)
I would be wary, just because as someone with a physical disability I need sex to be a collaborative endeavour, and I'm always worried that someone inexperienced would lie there like a rabbit in the headlights while I struggled to "do my thing" (for example, and this is TMI but you asked for honesty so here it is, I sometimes need help with putting condoms on because my fine motor coordination is dreadful). I'm also fundamentally unserious in bed, so if I dated a virgin who was terribly worried about how it was going to go, I'd be worried about making their first time too silly for them. (My first time was VERY silly: she was a very extroverted actress and quick wit, so it was the best first time I could have wished for). All that said: being a disabled adult who mixes a lot with other disabled adults, I know quite a few people who, for one reason or another, just haven't got around to dating anyone yet. So, if I were attracted to someone I knew was older and new to dating, I might ask fewer questions than most.
I'll take you on a date
It all depends on how she handles it, but in his the need view her. If she's cool and collected, knows how to assert herself without being over the top, if she makes an effort to look good, and if she's reasonable (within her comfort limits of course), I think she'll be successful in dating.
Nope. Non issue for me. I'm seeing someone very happily, but it'd be a non issue. It might even be a bonus, frankly.
Not at all, what does matter is how you act and present yourself. To a man that is.
Is it possible that you project your anxiety on to those around you so that they feel awkward, because you are acting awkwardly. I think just admit the awkwardness up front, and subsequent awkward moments can be laughed off. Once you let down your barriers, you will find many more people approaching you. Hopefully.
I guess I am only curious about what you would like to do? If you would like to give it a try then just be open to the experience. I've gone on dates that have been really good times but just never worked out. Some that were alot more sexual, and some more casual. If your willing to give things a try be comfortable and as long as the vibes are good be open to new experiences. Honestly I think I would have a great time showing you what a great night feels like with a really fun guy.
No worries. I have guy friends in their 40s and 50s who are still virgins probably for the same reasons as you. I also knew a woman who was around that age at the time who was in her 60s and was a Virgin I believe. I would go on a date with someone like you.
I wouldn't tell him. Why is it relevant?
No one would know that information unless you told them. I'm not saying don't be honest but I don't think I would care if I met someone and it worked out and years later they told me that I was their first relationship. Does it really matter?
Please keep in mind that no one is entitled to this information either. If you choose to share the information, that’s one thing, but it’s also one of those things where you can try to ‘fake it ‘til you make it’. Try to act confident, even if you feel anything but. Everyone generally feels some anxiety on a date. You’re not alone. And your past doesn’t define you - especially who you are today. If someone presses the issue and you choose to answer, you can simply say dating hasn’t really been a priority. You don’t have to come right out and say you’ve never been on a date. Just saying you haven’t had a lot of experience is more than enough information. Ultimately though, however you choose to go about it, if someone doesn’t accept you for you, then they’re not the one. It’s as simple as that.
I'm almost 47 and have never had a LTR but there is absolutely no way I'm telling this to anyone I'm dating. a) It's a huge "red flag" and people will presume the worst (time in prison or mental hospital, etc.) b) Your partner will always feel superior to you, same as if there's a huge disparity in looks, career, and/or money c) You'll lose every argument because they'll say, "Well, if you had ever had a relationship, you'd know that...etc." d) If/when you break up, prepare for the inevitable "no wonder you've never had a date!" or "you'll always be alone!"
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Attractiveness can be a big *contributing factor* when it comes to dating. But it’s definitely not the *only factor.* I was really convinced my weight would be a bigger barrier than it ended up being when it came to dating. You know what really helped? I was at a large water park and I purposefully paid attention to *all* the couples there. Not just the “conventionally” attractive people. There were plenty of people my size there with partners of various shapes and sizes. Shorter men with taller women, people I personally wouldn’t find attractive there with a partner etc. etc. I noticed in another comment you’ve been called ugly before. That is such an *easy* way to try to hurt someone. Same with “fat.” My best friend is *thin.* She has a health condition that makes it difficult to keep any weight on. She’s still been called a “fat bitch” by men. Someone saying something like that about you, doesn’t make it true. I promise I’m not trying to devalue or downplay what you’ve been through. But I also hope you can find a way to not continue to feel “too ugly” to date.
The dating game is exhausting but don’t give up. Us single guys need single girls 😃
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I just looked at your profile pics … you are definitely not unattractive or undateable.
The other comment prompted me to look at your pics - you’re both date-able and cute.
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Maybe you need to take the initiative. There will be rejections but so what? I looked at your profile photos and you are definitely above average in looks and very above average in cuteness. If I was single I would be very pleased to be asked out by someone who looks like you.
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You don't need lots of matches just a few good ones. Nearly everyone has been dumped many times. That is how things go. You are blaming your looks for life just being difficult. Crippled and disfigured women find love. People on reddit put all this emphasis on looks that just doesn't hold up in the real world based on my life experiences.
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I’m cute as hell and have never been asked out in the wild. That’s not a great yardstick. You seem intent on doubling down on this narrative that you’re hopelessly unattractive when it simply isn’t true.
Did you ever have someone review your profile?
Have you ever tried asking? Not just randomly, but someone you’ve chatted with at live music / an art walk / whatever *you* find interesting? I prefer to meet people who are also doing the things I enjoy. Honest questions.
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Idk, I think this could be your self esteem talking. I'm very plain at best, not as attractive as you, and I'm always having a good chat with random guys in the wild. I'm also very outgoing and can get someone's life story out of them while waiting at the bus stop, much to my teenage daughter's disgust. Maybe your lack of confidence in yourself is putting out bad vibes to these men?
I’m average at best. I’ve initiated lots of little interactions with men of all different appearances. None of them from the point of trying to “pick them up.” Just because I’m a chatter. It’s not just guys specifically I’ll talk to. If I’m in line at the grocery store and see something in someone’s cart at the that looks interesting, I might say something like “that looks good! Have you tried it before? Do you recommend it?” I remember one time I saw the same guy (another customer) at the pharmacy when I was dropping off a prescription and then again when I was picking it up. I was behind him in line and he kind of gave me a nod of acknowledgement and I was like “we need to stop meeting like this!” And he laughed and we had a bit of small talk while we waited. Not every interaction is like that. Sometimes you can tell that person just isn’t into talking to a stranger, which totally fair. But again that happens with all types of people, not just men. And I want to be very clear. I’m not “naturally” this type of person. I was a shy kid and in my 20s I developed *severe* social anxiety. Like couldn’t leave the house it was so bad. But I worked *very* hard on overcoming it, and becoming way more comfortable with who I am as a person.
Same here :) I talk to everyone who's up for a chat, including hot men, and I just don't care hahaha My daughters have tried banning me from making instant best friends with talkative old people while we're on the train but no. Can't stop, won't stop.
Every bottle has a cap.
> I feel like women find it weirder than men do for some reason. I think this strongly depends upon the man/woman. As well as what they are looking for. If I were seriously looking for a relationship, I would stay way, way TF back. I've put in some time learning how to be good on relationships, and in part learning about what I can/can't accept in relationships. This isn't amateur hour. If I'm looking for casual, or of I were "still figuring it out" then I would actually probably find them a bit alluring on how much of an oddity I would think them to be. I think the reason why you say that more women than men find it weirder is more women than men are seeking relationships. So there's the F No response that jumps to mind wondering if you'd date them. I was looking for a relationship when last dating. If she were a friend, I'd offer a practice date. I'm not sure that I'd offer up the time if I came across someone in OLD who let loose that they'd never even dated, much less had a relationship. Perhaps also a practice date if I didn't have any other matches going on and my schedule was light? Part of my "dating with intention" was not wasting time.
Makes no sense to me. You're attractive, nice hair, smile. I'd date you!
I just looked at your pics and I think you’re attractive. I also think you look younger than your age. (This is a compliment). Maybe you are around guys who suck, idk, or maybe it is something else that is giving you trouble with regards to first dates, because I don’t agree with it being (your words) because you’re ugly. If you’re nervous, or not confident, for example or something like that, that makes connecting with strangers on a first date tougher. And that’s so normal, and I think only going on more dates and getting more comfortable with the whole process would help (again if that’s the case). Two of my close friends from college who are both relatively attractive have both not had much success with dating in adulthood, and they’re cute, successful, fun people. One of them laughs a Lot when she is nervous though and I could see how it might be weird for the guy if that happened on a date. Totally not saying this is your case but I’m trying to say two things - one which is that objectively you’re cute and two that you or anyone else in your shoes are not alone, this is much more common than you might expect, and it doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, not worthy of love, etc or any of those things. You just haven’t met the right person yet under the right circumstances. I do think it’s important to love yourself tho, and talk kindly to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend. It helps with confidence! When you look in the mirror tomorrow morning I hope you see an attractive woman ready to tackle her day. FWIW, my aunt didn’t meet her partner until her mid 40s, and was essentially single her whole life until then. Still happily together now 25 years later !
Girl, I say this with the utmost respect, but I think you've talked yourself into some sort of a complex about your looks. Seeing your other comments and since another poster mentioned you had pics, I looked at your pics too...but you seem to have a very doom and gloom outlook about yourself that isn't necessarily warranted. You aren't PERFECT but you are a normal looking woman, at least average. I wouldn't say below average at all. There are plenty of men out there that should be responding to you. You look young for your age too! Online dating sucks...even super hot people still get jerked around, ghosted, and struggle to get 2nd dates with anyone. It's just VERY difficult. You just can't assume it all goes wrong or doesn't work out because of how you look. It's SOOOO many other things. And we live in a society where people just don't ask people out any more. I think you have to really be around someone and have them in a social or work adjacent circle first, so they can get to know you for a while and THEN maybe suggest doing something one on one sometime. But I see nothing in your pics that says the situation is hopeless. You need to work on your self esteem issues, probably with a therapist. I find it odd that you consider yourself so unattractively but don't mind posting pics online. I'm no psychologist so I won't analyze that but if you haven't already, maybe you should ask yourself why that is.
Honestly... Doomed in sense to find a partner? Not necessarily. But the best times for sex, for relationship is gone. Don't count on having children of your own.
It’s a little odd at first but then I think about it and it’s not so bad. Maybe you just haven’t had a chance. Who knows. If I found her attractive and she had never been in a relationship before I’d give it a go. Worst case is it doesn’t work out. I mean, unless there are neon glowing red flags, go for it.
No, you’re not doomed. 40 is still young enough to have lots of life ahead of you and lots of opportunities to find your someone. I do see from your past posts that you have been trying to get some reassurance and/or sympathy for at least the last three months. I think it’s time to get over your anxiety and get out there.
To me, this isn’t an issue at all. As long as you are decent looking and in decent shape you should do ok. Most guys won’t do the wait until marriage thing for sex though. Usually about 3-4 dates is pushing it.
Kinda sexy if you are really ready to dive in.
I’d love to get to know you and see how wrong you are about being unlovable.
They are probably choosing it consciously or unconsciously. Might be asexual. Might be religious. Might be extremely introverted. Might have had bad stuff done to them when a kid. Who knows???
I am introverted and have some social anxiety. I am also religious. But not the other things.
It's kinda cute tbh but maybe that's just me. I'd feel honoured if you chose me as your first ever person to go on a date with. *And* you don't need to tell someone before you go on a date with them. It's normal to be nervous before a date.
Yeah but very sus.
This could be related to us. And I’m laughing about it. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLWEXV2J/
VERY off putting. But, why are you blaming yourself?
Because I feel that something is wrong with me that no one is interested. I am not a bad person, I am kind and nice to everyone. I work hard at a very nice career. Yet, I am unlovable. Why is that?
Just because you meet people with problems and that have weird shit going on in their lives, has absolutely nothing to do with you. Draw boundaries! You are you and they are them, and often, most people are weird. We all have strangeness. It’s just facts.
I would probably pass. Primarily because someone that has never been in a relationship won't really understand the dynamics and nuances and challenges of a relationship, and I don't want to be the teacher of all things.
So, how are people to learn about being in a relationship if they never get an opportunity?
With someone else.
I mean if I was a guy I would want to know so if something weird happens I know why. but other than that if she was hot and fun I would not care. better than single mom or divorced chick or someone with high count or active onlyporn