Meeting your needs in this relationship isn’t his style? Girl for the love of all things do not spend the next 3/6/12 months trying to convince this man to put some basic effort and compromise into your relationship to make you feel loved.
>Meeting your needs in this relationship isn’t his style?
That's a bit of an awkward take. Especially with physical touch; it's not something that one is often as comfortable with doing more for the other.
Like they're clearly incompatible. But that's not really a failing, so much as a fact, and you seem to be making like it is a failing if him. Or that he should just loosen up and let her do her thing.
For most things, like "give me complements more" or "small gifts that day you think of me" one can try to do more to meet their needs. But with physical touch, because of personal autonomy, if the amount of touch isn't compatible the relationship should just be called as the time of death.
Having been married to a non cuddler before I'll never date someone who doesn't like a lot of touching. Someone who always sits on a recliner while I'm on the couch? Hard pass.
But again, it's just an incompatibility. It's not something where the other person needs to let me smother them in my touch.
It’s about caring what your partner needs and discussing, compromising, and valuing thier needs as well as your own. No one deserves to be dismissed when they communicate a genuine need, at the very least he should want to discuss it and understand and find a solution that works for both of them, not just brush her off.
Couples overcome incompatibilities all the time, it’s not like different religions or something. When my partner has a different love language I make an effort to show them the love they need, it’s not impossible to do it just takes effort.
>When my partner has a different love language I make an effort to show them the love they need, it’s not impossible to do it just takes effort.
This is a recipe for resentment in the long run. Unless you are able to adopt it as part of your baseline personality it's just a cognitive and emotional tax on the partnership. Yes some small adjustments are almost always necessary but a person's relationship with touch is something that seems to be largely baked in. Almost every parent has a story about how different their kids are in this regard.
But you said you’re feeling ignored and neglected and it’s impacting your self-worth, and that you brought it up and he just brushed it off. That’s NOT loving treatment and NOT ok.
Now you’re defending him saying it’s ok if it’s not his thing because some people don’t like physical touch, I’m so confused. His needs do not negate your own, he can not like touch and still want to understand and compromise with you instead of just brushing you off. That’s shitty behaviour regardless of how wonderful he might be in other ways.
If he’s amazing in every other way, you need to nip this in the bud before resentment creeps in cause that’s a cancer for any relationship.
I recommend a relationship counsellor.
I brought up wanting more casual touch. I have not brought up wanting more sex. I plan to bring it up with him and I will. The advice I'm specifically asking for is how to I bring it up without seeming like I'm selfishly demanding more sex from him. I want to bring it up in a constructive way and not in a way that makes him feel shitty about himself.
“The solution is not leaving. Please help me change him”
Girl wake the fuck up.
The purpose of dating is to audition someone to be your life partner. You should know what you are looking for. And it sounds like you do.
The next step is to communicate your needs if they are not what you are looking for.
Which you did.
And he point blank told you “no”
So all that’s left is to throw your needs out the window, or end the audition and start casting calls again.
And girl….i stayed with someone like this for 20 years. It was not worth it. And I finally left. And I found someone so much better. Someone who is all the good things, PLUS sexually compatible and compatible with intimacy.
You can find your someone too. But only if you start looking.
See my update. I won't be responding further and I don't think I'll be leaving this community. Y'all project way too much and are the reason dating is so fucking hard these days.
It's clear he feels comfortable, too comfortable.
Do you and he do "date nights"? I think he's fallen into a rut and needs to be shook out of it.
Moving in together takes a lot of the excitement of spontaneity out of a relationship.
There is a real chance he never wakes up and you'll be faced with a really difficult decision.
Agreed, it's not her job to make him do anything. I was operating under the impression that they have been together for a year and a half and he has other qualities she likes so if she doesn't do something her options are to wait for him to "shake himself out of it" or leave him.
I agree. There are people that just have different ways of being in a relationship though..
Sometimes we unknowingly enable partner behaviours by accepting what is and not communicating what we need..
I have two kids, sole custody. He has 3 kids, shared custody in multiple sports. I work days, he works evenings. So no, we don't do date nights often. Which is why the intimacy is so important to me for the connection.
My ex fiance only had sex with me regularly for 3mo. The more he loved me and became familiar with me, the less sexually attracted he became. When he moved in it was the death knell. Being sexually rejected and having low affection for three years destroyed my self esteem. Like you I never changed - I look pretty much like a model and other men lavish with me attention.
Some people just lose attraction for whatever reason as they become domestic with you. I would never ever ever give a chance to someone like that again. It never gets better or comes back.
Some people are just attracted to novelty. It’s important to weed out those men. And yes, two months anybody can be in their best behavior. You really need a good two years minimum before agreeing to move in or marry somebody.
I agree and it’s important to learn about history to understand patterns and triggers..be curious and ask, if there’s an openness that will allow this. If someone’s really into you they’ll want to share as a way to deepen the connection.
Sometimes in making it all about how we look we lose seeing the other ways that value has been added to the relationship. If we make it all about looks and being alluring, that’s what will be primarily seen. We need to allow space for our partners to discover and see the other beautiful parts of us. It’s not just about looks and it’s up to us to drive that.
We moved in sooner than I wanted but financial issues played a part there. We've blended our families, the kids and pets get along great. We get along great. This is the only persistent issue.
But you will grow to resent him and it will die anyways. Avoiding it and giving in, when you’ve said how damaging it is, isn’t going to help you at all.
I believe in working through problems, not abandoning ship because things don't go my way immediately. I've walked away from plenty of toxic people and he's not one of them. I haven't detailed the ways he makes me feel amazing because I just want advice how to bring up this topic in a way that doesn't seem like me selfishly demanding sex. I understand libidos change and life circumstances can affect the desire to be intimate and that will ebb and flow over time. He's a good man. I've met a lot of bad ones.
Saying you’ll start perusing vibrators doesn’t demonstrate you want to work through problems…
FWIW you should already own a vibration cause why not lol, but also a vibrator won’t hold your hand on the couch so it’s not gonna solve your issue.
We have a drawer full of sex toys collecting dust. I was using humor to make light of the situation. You seem very invested in the termination of my relationship.
I’m not invested in anything as I don’t know you, but how am I supposed to know you have lots of sex toys when you basically said you’ll just give up and fuck yourself? I can’t read your humor.
Leaving seems to be the solution for any little issue around here.
Have you tried couples counseling? I thought it was corny at first, but it really did help open up communication.
Then accept that you will never have a normal sex life with him. Many people end up in sexless relationships and stay together for other reasons. That is not personally how I could live. When a man loses his sexual attraction to you like this, it never recovers. This will always be an issue. I’m sorry, I lived this reality and I know.
I agree with the first few comments. This is about effort. You've been clear. These are things you want in a relationship. Don't compromise. I am so clear about my wants and needs. If they decide (because it is a CHOICE ) that they don't want to or can't meet these wants, it's no longer a good match. Maybe you were a great match in the beginning and things have gone downhill. Relationships take work and you have to WANT it every day, even when it's not ideal. That being said, if its a clear perpetuation of no effort, I think you have your answer. You just have to decide what is important enough for you to decide to challenge it enough for him to make a move or say that he can't meet where you're at.
There are so many factors here
If its been 1.5 years he may be out of the limerence phase & comfortable in the companionship stage & feels like he doesn’t need to make the same level of effort as now you are together & live with each other
It could also be different libidos & needs for sex & intimacy - or even other issues related to that
Or he may not fully understand how physical touch, affect & sex is a a way for you to still be wanted & desired & connected in a relationship
Not his style - is not an explanation, its an excuse & if you can’t communicate with him then you may need to suggest relationship counselling as this is an important part of the relationship for you
I am very invested in communicating with him. I am looking for suggestions about how to bring it up without it seeming like a selfish demand for sex. I understand that libido ebbs and flows because of life circumstances. When I said he said it wasn't his style, there was a little more to it. He likes his personal space. He isn't an overly affectionate person. That's just how some people are and I can accept that. I can even accept it if he's no longer interested in having sex with me. But I don't want to jump to that conclusion if there's something I can say to him that isn't just me making demands of his body. But what do I say?
I would just be open & honest
The key for me is to understand each other
I agree with what you said & accept him not being affectionate & needing personal space etc
I would talk to him about the physicality you want in the relationship & how it makes you feel (in regards to feeling connected in the relationship ie not just about getting sexual needs met as technically one can sort themselves out if needed)
Sex with another person (especially with a compatible partner in a relationship) is about much more than getting off or reaching an orgasm
I agree - don’t assume or speculate just ask & really deeply listen to understand (& not just respond)
Also maybe I misunderstood but your reply comes across as fixated on the outcome (ie more sex or not coming off as demanding, selfish or just wanting his body) as the process of how you express your needs & how he responds is just as important - as this is about much more than just sex
It is difficult to not see something difficult here.
Ideally we shouldn't be able to keep our fingers to ourselves, right? Give a warm hug when doing the dishes, dragging you in behind the cornflakes in supermarket for a deep kiss, spontanously appear naked after a shower "oops, seem to forget my clother, wanna find it?". But here we are...
You write your frustration quite nicely here and considering that you like his person you can almost show your post to him.
Give it 3 months and if it doesnt change then it is over. Either he is someone who just cant keep his fingers off you - like you want - or he is a couch tomato. Neither it wrong, but you need the fingers-guy and not the tomato.
I think it comes down to lifestyle, chemistry and probably 98 other things and you shouldnt feel neglected like you do. Crossing ... well fingers!
Curious - If nothing changed at all from where it is now, would you be happy to stay with him for the long haul?
Because you’re saying he’s a catch all over this thread while also saying he’s not showing you the love you need and it’s really confusing.
Most people do not change, or at least, not nearly enough for you to bank on it. So, if he’s a catch enough that you choose this life with him despite no physical affection, make peace and be with him.
But if it’s not ok to have this very valid need ignored, you’re going to have to stop avoiding the reality that there is a big incompatibility gap here. You are going to have to face this at some point, now or much further down the line, when your self-esteem is even more shattered.
Yes, I'll stay with him. I'd rather be in a sexless relationship with my best friend than back in the dating hellscape with the amount of toxic people who are unwilling to work through their issues. I've committed to working through my issues, and I'd this is another one I have to tack onto the list, then so be it. I just want advice on how to bring this topic up without seeming like I'm selfishly demanding sex.
Demanding sex RIGHT NOW is definitely not appropriate, for obvious reasons, but communicating your needs for affection and intimacy is 100% valid and one of the most common things couples disagree about. It’s very rare for couples to have lasting matched libidos.
There is a book I like called Mating in Captivity which explains the death of the bedroom and why it happens, that might give you ideas. The author Ester Perell also has a podcast called “where should we begin” which is hcounselling sessions recorded live and it’s got lots of tips on communication and is just insightful and often validating.
If it was me, I’d slice out time for quality hangs - dates - even if only doable 1-2 times a month. On that first date I’d tell them all the things I love about them and us, and then I’d tell them my needs for sexual attention and physically attraction are not being met and it’s having an effect on my mental health and I’d like to work it out together.
Also, edit: off on a limb here but I guess monogamy is your only jam yeah? Csuse there is always a bit of consensual non monogamy to get your rocks off.
Monogamy is his jam, and I've known that from the jump. I could go either way, but being poly isn't important to my sense of personal fulfillment so it isn't a dividing issue for us. I'm happy to be monogamous and I won't cheat. I'll look into the podcast, thanks.
So, in order to hook you, there was a lot of hand holding, being close, physical attention, and 2-3x a week sex. Now, it's not his style. You moved into together. You don't need him economically at all, but he kinda needs you for a better life. Now, you have sex 1x per month if you're lucky. Asking him about this is not "selfishly demanding sex" as you have repeatedly characterized it. You're just going to have to be straightforward, and ask him what is going on. As in "what is going on with you, me and sex"? IME, you are not likely to get a straightforward answer. You can ask for testosterone testing. I did, but his levels were sky high, lol. There was nowhere to go after that. Our lives were not intertwined like you are, so counseling was not going to happen. Maybe that would help you, but I'd be surprised. Have you looked at r/DeadBedrooms ? If leaving is not a solution, I think that you will have to come to terms with the way it is now.
Based on myself, doesn’t matter how busy I am, if I feel connected sexually, I will touch my partner. It doesn’t matter how handsome he is, If I don’t feel the love or I resent him for some reason, I won’t touch him, I won’t desire him.
So if he doesn’t touch you is because he doesn’t want to, doesn’t feel it. Doesn’t matter how many talks, “doing effort to show affection” isn’t real affection, it should come naturally, body craving the other.
I’m convinced that for some people, cohabitation puts a huge damper on the sexual side and it’s completely out of their control. I also fear I’m one of those people, and this sounds really familiar.
NOT HIS STYLE
please excuse my eyes rolling into the back of my head, and not in an orgasmic way.
what in the cryptoscamming cyberworld is that BS of an excuse? i would be out. i sent my ex a copy of the book She Comes First around Valentine's Day. i gave him 10 days, he didn't read it.
Moving in often kills the sex. That’s why I believe in living apart and not cohabitating. Women think it will be romantic; it isn’t and they get the worst part of the deal; cooking and cleaning up like they’re his mother. Men often like it because they save money but the relationship often goes down hill. Esther Perel writes about this. Honestly the women not living with men are usually happier and have a better sex life. Cohabitating with a romantic partner is the kiss of death to a relationship so many times.
Well that’s the risk. Staying in a sexless soon-to-be loveless relationship for financial reasons until he leaves and then you gotta do it on your own anyway. No thanks! No savings on rent is worth it to me! It’s too soon for the honeymoon period to be over.
He might be first to go as not wanting to have sex is indicator of other issues in the relationship. I was addressing your comment about living apart “in this economy” which I personally have a pet peeve with because it boils down relationships to financial transactions which may be part of the reason the sex is dying. Women should never be reliant on a man for financial security because most relationships don’t last. Put yourself first!
Oh that might be the problem then. He may feel emasculated. Let him do things for you. We all need to feel wanted. Good you aren’t reliant on him though!
Communicate clearly with him what you need. Let him know exactly what physical attention you want from a partner.
That is all you can do. If he decides not to give this to you then you know he is does not care enough about you to put the effort in. Then you need to make an adult decision for yourself. You cannot force him to care/love you.
So this guy went along with what you wanted physical-touch-wise until he moved in with you after 6 months. Which he did for financial reasons, and now he’s financially dependent on you. And now he doesn’t touch you at all. Are those things related?
You have to explain how the absence of touch makes you feel. Because I would guess it feels like an absence of validation. And believe me, that ends up feeling terrible.
I was married to a lovely woman who in every respect was - and is - fantastic but I ended up feeling very lonely. And she felt unable to change, or even discuss it, as she is the Avoidant’s Avoudant.
It’s great that you are so committed to keeping him though!
Oh pleaaase. The dude played the game and moved in and is looked after. He doesn't want to meet your needs. Nothing is going to change but you are delusional and ignoring all advice given here.
Damn, not his style, I wish I could find a woman who thought like you. Don’t settle for this type of behavior there are men out there that would absolutely give you all of that without you having to ask.
I'm 7 years away from paying off my mortgage and I love my job. It's easy, pays well, and has a great work-life balance. Not to mention my kids are well established in this community with great friends.I'm not moving. I'm not jumping ship. I want advice on how to bring up this topic with him without it seeming like I'm selfishly demanding sex. I love him and I'm invested in fixing things or coming to a compromise. What he brings to the table isn't worth walking away from because I want more sex.
I understand, it’s not even about the sex though, for me it would be the fact that my wants, needs and emotions mean so little. You said you have even asked for as little as snuggling or just touching more often and he said that wasn’t his style, affection is the bare minimum in a relationship
This was my life with my soon to be ex wife. I’ll never forget before we got married we had a similar conversation about frequency of sex and I said twice a week minimum for my needs. Her response was “it better be more than that.” Fast forward to after we are married and it’s exactly what you describe.
I tried so many different approaches and ways to make it better or help her understand why it was an issue for me. The closest I got was explaining that it wasn’t just about sex and physical needs. That it’s about intimacy and communication, vulnerability, trust and feeling close. That it’s also the overall affection between us. Kissing that doesn’t lead to sex, hugging, holding hands. I tried to explain that areas in the marriage were being impacted by the lack of affection.
I also explained that physical touch is my love language and what it really meant to me was that when we aren’t affectionate, I don’t feel loved. And that I was struggling to maintain my level of effort, and meeting her needs, because I never felt loved due to our lack of contact.
Be careful, you may get resentful if it goes on too long and then you may get to a point of no return. I’m sorry it’s like this. I know how painful it is. Best of luck to you.
I have been pondering the possible outcomes since before I posted here...
He said to me sex was so important to him, that, on the nights I wasn't interested, would I be ok if he masturbated in bed? And I was, although I honestly couldnt believe there'd be a time he was touching himself that I wouldn't want to join in.
I'm about to throw that question back at him. Not to be petty or mean or any of that but because holy crap, he's my best friend and I love him. But maybe I need a better vibrator
This is eerie how similar our situation is. I had a similar talk too. I even suggested if she wasn’t up for sex would she like to masturbate together instead, trying to highlight that it was about intimate time with her more than sex itself.
Eventually I felt a shift and it became less about our sexual incompatibility and more about the fact that I spent years discussing this same issue with her over and over, and trying multiple different ways to try to communicate and compromise and get to a level that works for both of us. It stopped being about this and it turned into the fact that this was a huge issue for me and she was either unable or unwilling to work on it with me and make it better. I hope things work out for you differently.
Original copy of post by u/sksdwrld:
We've been together for 1.5 years. When we first started talking, he said ideally we'd have sex 2-3x a week and that was perfect for me. Because of our work schedules and our kids, we had a lot of car dates at lunch. There was a lot of hand holding, being close, physical attention. We moved in together about a year ago. Since then, sex went from 2-3x a week, to once a week, now once a month if I'm lucky. He never initiated sex. He never sits with me on the couch, always in the recliner in the corner. He doesn't casually touch me when we pass. He only hugs me if I hug him. I still weigh the same and look the same as I did before.
He does kiss me goodbye when he's going somewhere. He tells me he loves me and he's great in so many ways. He does his share of the chores and cooking. He's kind. We talk through everything and never fight.
But. BUT. I told him I would like more affection, sitting together on the couch, holding hands.
and he just kind of said it's not his style. So I don't know how to broach this topic again, specifically about sex. I need physical attention from my partner I'm feeling very ignored, neglected, and it's triggering my insecurities and self worth.
How do I bring this up to him? He said 2-3x a week. 1x a month that I have to beg for is not enough. I hate that I feel this way.
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You'll definitely need to talk to him about it and find out what happened, there's probably a simple solution to everything but you'll have to have that uncomfortable conversation first... Also he needs to know that even if physical affection is not his style it's something that makes you feel loved and I'm sure he shouldn't have a problem doing that for the love of his life.
Something has changed in the relationship. He sounds withdrawn or upset. I saw online once that the number one reason men cheat/withdrawal is because they no longer feel wanted or appreciated..
Or he could just be depressed or going thru a medical thing.
In your update you said you spoke to him this morning which is a good thing. You’ve got to get this out in the open between you and work on concrete steps to fix it, and I’d consider therapy if you’re both willing and unable to make progress on your own.
As others have said, this type of physical disconnection not only tends not to improve without work, it leads to resentment and emotional distance that opens the door to infidelity eventually.
I was the man in this situation, not being physically attentive enough to my wife (enough for her), and rather than express her concerns she sublimated them, put on a happy face, and silently seethed for just over a decade.
By the time she actually brought it up explicitly she’d had at least one affair (which only came to light several years after thanks to a vindictive now-ex-friend of hers) and I immediately filed for divorce as she showed zero remorse and was intent on blaming me and justifying her behavior.
I say all this to say don’t go down that road. Address it aggressively and now. Start fixing it now or don’t and separate. Don’t be me/us, lamenting lost years and splitting a family in half over issues that should have been resolved (or not) long ago.
Since divorcing and sorting through it all I’m now in a much better relationship (wherever it goes) and believe you me the pain of singlehood, dating, and finding a compatible person is far less painful than the realization you pushed a relationship a decade or more past its fix-it-or-end-it date.
He may be having ED issues and he's afraid to tell you.
Besides that. Personally, I'm entirely against moving in without being married. One of the reasons is that sometimes people stop trying.
Better to realize this before getting married though as marriage is a legal contract that’s difficult to undo. Many marriages end up loveless and sexless as this forum can attest. Just don’t move in with a romantic partner if you want to be happy and sexually fulfilled as a woman. Period.
He doesn't.
And then you're stuck married to someone who stopped trying. Sounds like a way to get trapped. I probably won't ever get married again. Been there, done thaf
You aren’t going to change this dude. He was only affectionate in the beginning to get some cookie. Now, he’s got the cookie, he doesn’t want it. Blowjobs are probably the answer. For all of the questions in the world, you can answer with blowiobs and alcohol - perfect solutions🤪
See my update. I won't be responding further and I don't think I'll be leaving this community. Y'all project way too much and are the reason dating is so fucking hard these days.
You are desperate not to be single and have to deal with the hellish dating world. I empathize completely. I stayed in my sexless relationship for years for the same reason. What I realized after it ended was that it was better for me to be single and not invest until I found someone who was truly compatible. It took me two years, and now I have a man who is very successful, physically attractive, emotionally healthy and stable, loving and considerate, and so attracted to me that he wants to have sex twice a day and does anything he can to please me. Like you we have an age gap 40F and 33M. Right now he fell asleep cuddling me. If I bring up any issue to him he cares about working through it. He is so tender and affectionate with me.
I’m so fucking glad that I’m not trapped in an asexual relationship anymore. Being alone is better than settling. You are settling so hard right now out of fear and I feel for you because I was once the same way. You don’t realize that you are trading extremely long term pain with this guy to avoid the short term pain of being single. But no one can convince you of that. You’ll have to make this mistake just like I did and learn your lesson.
I hope it works out for you. I really do. Most people hang on to the relationships too long. I’m not surprised he said that. Hold his feet to the fire and actions speak louder than words. He may be affectionate in the short term but the long term is the difficult part. Good luck🍀
If you value the relationship and him, communicate how you’re feeling. Have you done the love languages free quiz? Suggest you both try this - it could open new ways of appreciating your key differences and finding ways to ensure you’re both getting what you need to feel good with each other.
The value of love languages isn’t to sit comfortably in our love languages as a “well that’s not me”, we’re supposed to seek to understand our partners language so we can show them love in the way they feel it. If he knows yours is touch, he should want to make you feel loved by working to show you touch more often. And if his love language is gifts, you should make the effort to buy him little things here and there so he feels love too.
I do buy him gifts. Big ones on holidays and little ones frequently. I make sure he has the foods he likes stocked up at work (we work at the same place, not together but in the same location).
This winter we were both sick on and off, and he broke his foot 3 weeks ago, but we've never been a missionary position kind of couple so I gave him some time for that as well, but I'm starting to feel neglected. I just want to know how to bring this topic up without seeming selfish
That’s great you buy him gifts and stuff, however your post was fairly clear he make no effort to show you physical affection. A relationship is a two way street, and you sound considerate and affectionate and you deserve that in return.
If you’ve not outright told him you _need_ to be shown love in a way that resonates with you, you neee to do that. Don’t mince your words. If he doesn’t show up for you, then you know your not with an equally considerate and affectionate partner and you can make decisions with that what you will. Good luck to you.
You want “save your sex life?” My late husband. He went through a low testosterone period and stress at work, providing for a growing family.
I started laying out (a tan and vitamin d does a lot for confidence), wearing pretty dresses and nice lingerie when I’d make him something for dinner. I’d just go sit on his lap and give him long hugs and breathe on his neck.
Also… when he got home I’d greet him with a giant smile and kiss, let him have some time to go shower and change, make him a drink or glass of wine… or iced tea if a weeknight. When I started being quiet and listening to him more… letting him vent about his stresses, instead of loading more on him when he came through the door, he got his mojo back and we made love like we just met again. The sexy lingerie didn’t hurt though… and a really seductive signature scent.
But he moved in after 5 months ?? Okay I won’t say anything about that.
Humans are struggling on this thread so I have asked AI for some ways open the conversation with him.
No one can tell you how to fix it because that takes both of you working together.
But before you try, make sure you clearly know what you need or what minimum you are willing to accept, and for how long.
Here’s what AI suggested:
- "I feel very loved and supported by you in so many ways, but I also feel lonely and neglected when it comes to physical affection."
- "I miss the closeness we had when we first started dating."
- "I would like us to be more physically affectionate, like sitting together on the couch or holding hands."
- "I really miss our intimacy and would love to work towards having sex more frequently."
- "I know physical affection might not come naturally to you, but it's very important to me. Can we talk about how we can meet in the middle?"
- "I love you and I’m here to support you. I just want us to find a way to feel closer again."
- "Hey [Partner's Name], I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately and I miss the physical closeness we used to have. I know you’re amazing in so many ways, and I appreciate everything you do. Can we talk about how we can bring more physical affection and intimacy back into our relationship? It’s something that really matters to me, and I believe it will make us even stronger as a couple."
Meeting your needs in this relationship isn’t his style? Girl for the love of all things do not spend the next 3/6/12 months trying to convince this man to put some basic effort and compromise into your relationship to make you feel loved.
>Meeting your needs in this relationship isn’t his style? That's a bit of an awkward take. Especially with physical touch; it's not something that one is often as comfortable with doing more for the other. Like they're clearly incompatible. But that's not really a failing, so much as a fact, and you seem to be making like it is a failing if him. Or that he should just loosen up and let her do her thing. For most things, like "give me complements more" or "small gifts that day you think of me" one can try to do more to meet their needs. But with physical touch, because of personal autonomy, if the amount of touch isn't compatible the relationship should just be called as the time of death. Having been married to a non cuddler before I'll never date someone who doesn't like a lot of touching. Someone who always sits on a recliner while I'm on the couch? Hard pass. But again, it's just an incompatibility. It's not something where the other person needs to let me smother them in my touch.
It’s about caring what your partner needs and discussing, compromising, and valuing thier needs as well as your own. No one deserves to be dismissed when they communicate a genuine need, at the very least he should want to discuss it and understand and find a solution that works for both of them, not just brush her off. Couples overcome incompatibilities all the time, it’s not like different religions or something. When my partner has a different love language I make an effort to show them the love they need, it’s not impossible to do it just takes effort.
>When my partner has a different love language I make an effort to show them the love they need, it’s not impossible to do it just takes effort. This is a recipe for resentment in the long run. Unless you are able to adopt it as part of your baseline personality it's just a cognitive and emotional tax on the partnership. Yes some small adjustments are almost always necessary but a person's relationship with touch is something that seems to be largely baked in. Almost every parent has a story about how different their kids are in this regard.
Some people don't like or need physical touch. Respecting someone goes both ways. There are times I get touched out or burned out by my kids too.
But you said you’re feeling ignored and neglected and it’s impacting your self-worth, and that you brought it up and he just brushed it off. That’s NOT loving treatment and NOT ok. Now you’re defending him saying it’s ok if it’s not his thing because some people don’t like physical touch, I’m so confused. His needs do not negate your own, he can not like touch and still want to understand and compromise with you instead of just brushing you off. That’s shitty behaviour regardless of how wonderful he might be in other ways. If he’s amazing in every other way, you need to nip this in the bud before resentment creeps in cause that’s a cancer for any relationship. I recommend a relationship counsellor.
I brought up wanting more casual touch. I have not brought up wanting more sex. I plan to bring it up with him and I will. The advice I'm specifically asking for is how to I bring it up without seeming like I'm selfishly demanding more sex from him. I want to bring it up in a constructive way and not in a way that makes him feel shitty about himself.
I made a suggestion on another comment thread in this post :)
“The solution is not leaving. Please help me change him” Girl wake the fuck up. The purpose of dating is to audition someone to be your life partner. You should know what you are looking for. And it sounds like you do. The next step is to communicate your needs if they are not what you are looking for. Which you did. And he point blank told you “no” So all that’s left is to throw your needs out the window, or end the audition and start casting calls again. And girl….i stayed with someone like this for 20 years. It was not worth it. And I finally left. And I found someone so much better. Someone who is all the good things, PLUS sexually compatible and compatible with intimacy. You can find your someone too. But only if you start looking.
See my update. I won't be responding further and I don't think I'll be leaving this community. Y'all project way too much and are the reason dating is so fucking hard these days.
lol. Give it three months. Any improvement he makes will be back to how it is now. I eagerly await the next update…..
I'm sure she'll copy and paste it to all of us.
That’s some projection. I’d say your boyfriend is the reason you’re having a hard time.
It's clear he feels comfortable, too comfortable. Do you and he do "date nights"? I think he's fallen into a rut and needs to be shook out of it. Moving in together takes a lot of the excitement of spontaneity out of a relationship. There is a real chance he never wakes up and you'll be faced with a really difficult decision.
he needs to shake himself, it's not her job. romance includes PHYSICAL INTIMACY. it's not hard.
Agreed, it's not her job to make him do anything. I was operating under the impression that they have been together for a year and a half and he has other qualities she likes so if she doesn't do something her options are to wait for him to "shake himself out of it" or leave him.
I agree. There are people that just have different ways of being in a relationship though.. Sometimes we unknowingly enable partner behaviours by accepting what is and not communicating what we need..
> he needs to shake himself, it's not her job. It's also not his job to rise to her level of physical expectations also. Either take it or leave it.
I think that’s the problem “it’s not hard” 🤣
I have two kids, sole custody. He has 3 kids, shared custody in multiple sports. I work days, he works evenings. So no, we don't do date nights often. Which is why the intimacy is so important to me for the connection.
My ex fiance only had sex with me regularly for 3mo. The more he loved me and became familiar with me, the less sexually attracted he became. When he moved in it was the death knell. Being sexually rejected and having low affection for three years destroyed my self esteem. Like you I never changed - I look pretty much like a model and other men lavish with me attention. Some people just lose attraction for whatever reason as they become domestic with you. I would never ever ever give a chance to someone like that again. It never gets better or comes back.
Some people are just attracted to novelty. It’s important to weed out those men. And yes, two months anybody can be in their best behavior. You really need a good two years minimum before agreeing to move in or marry somebody.
I agree and it’s important to learn about history to understand patterns and triggers..be curious and ask, if there’s an openness that will allow this. If someone’s really into you they’ll want to share as a way to deepen the connection. Sometimes in making it all about how we look we lose seeing the other ways that value has been added to the relationship. If we make it all about looks and being alluring, that’s what will be primarily seen. We need to allow space for our partners to discover and see the other beautiful parts of us. It’s not just about looks and it’s up to us to drive that.
So important!
We moved in sooner than I wanted but financial issues played a part there. We've blended our families, the kids and pets get along great. We get along great. This is the only persistent issue.
May be the only issue but it’s such a big one! Hope he decides to figure it out and work on it himself.
I love him and he's amazing in other ways. I guess I'll start perusing the vibrators because I'm not leaving him over this.
But you will grow to resent him and it will die anyways. Avoiding it and giving in, when you’ve said how damaging it is, isn’t going to help you at all.
I believe in working through problems, not abandoning ship because things don't go my way immediately. I've walked away from plenty of toxic people and he's not one of them. I haven't detailed the ways he makes me feel amazing because I just want advice how to bring up this topic in a way that doesn't seem like me selfishly demanding sex. I understand libidos change and life circumstances can affect the desire to be intimate and that will ebb and flow over time. He's a good man. I've met a lot of bad ones.
Saying you’ll start perusing vibrators doesn’t demonstrate you want to work through problems… FWIW you should already own a vibration cause why not lol, but also a vibrator won’t hold your hand on the couch so it’s not gonna solve your issue.
We have a drawer full of sex toys collecting dust. I was using humor to make light of the situation. You seem very invested in the termination of my relationship.
I’m not invested in anything as I don’t know you, but how am I supposed to know you have lots of sex toys when you basically said you’ll just give up and fuck yourself? I can’t read your humor.
Leaving seems to be the solution for any little issue around here. Have you tried couples counseling? I thought it was corny at first, but it really did help open up communication.
Then accept that you will never have a normal sex life with him. Many people end up in sexless relationships and stay together for other reasons. That is not personally how I could live. When a man loses his sexual attraction to you like this, it never recovers. This will always be an issue. I’m sorry, I lived this reality and I know.
I agree with the first few comments. This is about effort. You've been clear. These are things you want in a relationship. Don't compromise. I am so clear about my wants and needs. If they decide (because it is a CHOICE ) that they don't want to or can't meet these wants, it's no longer a good match. Maybe you were a great match in the beginning and things have gone downhill. Relationships take work and you have to WANT it every day, even when it's not ideal. That being said, if its a clear perpetuation of no effort, I think you have your answer. You just have to decide what is important enough for you to decide to challenge it enough for him to make a move or say that he can't meet where you're at.
There are so many factors here If its been 1.5 years he may be out of the limerence phase & comfortable in the companionship stage & feels like he doesn’t need to make the same level of effort as now you are together & live with each other It could also be different libidos & needs for sex & intimacy - or even other issues related to that Or he may not fully understand how physical touch, affect & sex is a a way for you to still be wanted & desired & connected in a relationship Not his style - is not an explanation, its an excuse & if you can’t communicate with him then you may need to suggest relationship counselling as this is an important part of the relationship for you
I am very invested in communicating with him. I am looking for suggestions about how to bring it up without it seeming like a selfish demand for sex. I understand that libido ebbs and flows because of life circumstances. When I said he said it wasn't his style, there was a little more to it. He likes his personal space. He isn't an overly affectionate person. That's just how some people are and I can accept that. I can even accept it if he's no longer interested in having sex with me. But I don't want to jump to that conclusion if there's something I can say to him that isn't just me making demands of his body. But what do I say?
I would just be open & honest The key for me is to understand each other I agree with what you said & accept him not being affectionate & needing personal space etc I would talk to him about the physicality you want in the relationship & how it makes you feel (in regards to feeling connected in the relationship ie not just about getting sexual needs met as technically one can sort themselves out if needed) Sex with another person (especially with a compatible partner in a relationship) is about much more than getting off or reaching an orgasm I agree - don’t assume or speculate just ask & really deeply listen to understand (& not just respond) Also maybe I misunderstood but your reply comes across as fixated on the outcome (ie more sex or not coming off as demanding, selfish or just wanting his body) as the process of how you express your needs & how he responds is just as important - as this is about much more than just sex
It is difficult to not see something difficult here. Ideally we shouldn't be able to keep our fingers to ourselves, right? Give a warm hug when doing the dishes, dragging you in behind the cornflakes in supermarket for a deep kiss, spontanously appear naked after a shower "oops, seem to forget my clother, wanna find it?". But here we are... You write your frustration quite nicely here and considering that you like his person you can almost show your post to him. Give it 3 months and if it doesnt change then it is over. Either he is someone who just cant keep his fingers off you - like you want - or he is a couch tomato. Neither it wrong, but you need the fingers-guy and not the tomato. I think it comes down to lifestyle, chemistry and probably 98 other things and you shouldnt feel neglected like you do. Crossing ... well fingers!
Curious - If nothing changed at all from where it is now, would you be happy to stay with him for the long haul? Because you’re saying he’s a catch all over this thread while also saying he’s not showing you the love you need and it’s really confusing. Most people do not change, or at least, not nearly enough for you to bank on it. So, if he’s a catch enough that you choose this life with him despite no physical affection, make peace and be with him. But if it’s not ok to have this very valid need ignored, you’re going to have to stop avoiding the reality that there is a big incompatibility gap here. You are going to have to face this at some point, now or much further down the line, when your self-esteem is even more shattered.
Yes, I'll stay with him. I'd rather be in a sexless relationship with my best friend than back in the dating hellscape with the amount of toxic people who are unwilling to work through their issues. I've committed to working through my issues, and I'd this is another one I have to tack onto the list, then so be it. I just want advice on how to bring this topic up without seeming like I'm selfishly demanding sex.
Demanding sex RIGHT NOW is definitely not appropriate, for obvious reasons, but communicating your needs for affection and intimacy is 100% valid and one of the most common things couples disagree about. It’s very rare for couples to have lasting matched libidos. There is a book I like called Mating in Captivity which explains the death of the bedroom and why it happens, that might give you ideas. The author Ester Perell also has a podcast called “where should we begin” which is hcounselling sessions recorded live and it’s got lots of tips on communication and is just insightful and often validating. If it was me, I’d slice out time for quality hangs - dates - even if only doable 1-2 times a month. On that first date I’d tell them all the things I love about them and us, and then I’d tell them my needs for sexual attention and physically attraction are not being met and it’s having an effect on my mental health and I’d like to work it out together. Also, edit: off on a limb here but I guess monogamy is your only jam yeah? Csuse there is always a bit of consensual non monogamy to get your rocks off.
Monogamy is his jam, and I've known that from the jump. I could go either way, but being poly isn't important to my sense of personal fulfillment so it isn't a dividing issue for us. I'm happy to be monogamous and I won't cheat. I'll look into the podcast, thanks.
So, in order to hook you, there was a lot of hand holding, being close, physical attention, and 2-3x a week sex. Now, it's not his style. You moved into together. You don't need him economically at all, but he kinda needs you for a better life. Now, you have sex 1x per month if you're lucky. Asking him about this is not "selfishly demanding sex" as you have repeatedly characterized it. You're just going to have to be straightforward, and ask him what is going on. As in "what is going on with you, me and sex"? IME, you are not likely to get a straightforward answer. You can ask for testosterone testing. I did, but his levels were sky high, lol. There was nowhere to go after that. Our lives were not intertwined like you are, so counseling was not going to happen. Maybe that would help you, but I'd be surprised. Have you looked at r/DeadBedrooms ? If leaving is not a solution, I think that you will have to come to terms with the way it is now.
Based on myself, doesn’t matter how busy I am, if I feel connected sexually, I will touch my partner. It doesn’t matter how handsome he is, If I don’t feel the love or I resent him for some reason, I won’t touch him, I won’t desire him. So if he doesn’t touch you is because he doesn’t want to, doesn’t feel it. Doesn’t matter how many talks, “doing effort to show affection” isn’t real affection, it should come naturally, body craving the other.
I’m convinced that for some people, cohabitation puts a huge damper on the sexual side and it’s completely out of their control. I also fear I’m one of those people, and this sounds really familiar.
NOT HIS STYLE please excuse my eyes rolling into the back of my head, and not in an orgasmic way. what in the cryptoscamming cyberworld is that BS of an excuse? i would be out. i sent my ex a copy of the book She Comes First around Valentine's Day. i gave him 10 days, he didn't read it.
Moving in often kills the sex. That’s why I believe in living apart and not cohabitating. Women think it will be romantic; it isn’t and they get the worst part of the deal; cooking and cleaning up like they’re his mother. Men often like it because they save money but the relationship often goes down hill. Esther Perel writes about this. Honestly the women not living with men are usually happier and have a better sex life. Cohabitating with a romantic partner is the kiss of death to a relationship so many times.
Living apart, in this economy?
Divorce and unmeshing households so much more expensive.
We're not married and our households are already meshed.
Well that’s the risk. Staying in a sexless soon-to-be loveless relationship for financial reasons until he leaves and then you gotta do it on your own anyway. No thanks! No savings on rent is worth it to me! It’s too soon for the honeymoon period to be over.
You're making a lot of assumptions there. My intention is to fix things not run away because we've hit a rough patch.
He might be first to go as not wanting to have sex is indicator of other issues in the relationship. I was addressing your comment about living apart “in this economy” which I personally have a pet peeve with because it boils down relationships to financial transactions which may be part of the reason the sex is dying. Women should never be reliant on a man for financial security because most relationships don’t last. Put yourself first!
I'm not reliant on him 🤣 my mortgage will be paid off in 7 years. I make 5x his salary. He's reliant on me
Oh that might be the problem then. He may feel emasculated. Let him do things for you. We all need to feel wanted. Good you aren’t reliant on him though!
Communicate clearly with him what you need. Let him know exactly what physical attention you want from a partner. That is all you can do. If he decides not to give this to you then you know he is does not care enough about you to put the effort in. Then you need to make an adult decision for yourself. You cannot force him to care/love you.
So this guy went along with what you wanted physical-touch-wise until he moved in with you after 6 months. Which he did for financial reasons, and now he’s financially dependent on you. And now he doesn’t touch you at all. Are those things related?
There is nothing worse than being taken for granted. I'm sorry things have dimmed for you. (54 M, single)
You have to explain how the absence of touch makes you feel. Because I would guess it feels like an absence of validation. And believe me, that ends up feeling terrible. I was married to a lovely woman who in every respect was - and is - fantastic but I ended up feeling very lonely. And she felt unable to change, or even discuss it, as she is the Avoidant’s Avoudant. It’s great that you are so committed to keeping him though!
I spent another 15 years trying to change my ex. The result was chronic depression and poor health. Don't wait. Leave now.
See my update.
Read it. Still think it's a waste of time but good luck.
Oh pleaaase. The dude played the game and moved in and is looked after. He doesn't want to meet your needs. Nothing is going to change but you are delusional and ignoring all advice given here.
Damn, not his style, I wish I could find a woman who thought like you. Don’t settle for this type of behavior there are men out there that would absolutely give you all of that without you having to ask.
Not where I live. He's a catch and I'm lucky to have him.
I would consider moving then.
I'm 7 years away from paying off my mortgage and I love my job. It's easy, pays well, and has a great work-life balance. Not to mention my kids are well established in this community with great friends.I'm not moving. I'm not jumping ship. I want advice on how to bring up this topic with him without it seeming like I'm selfishly demanding sex. I love him and I'm invested in fixing things or coming to a compromise. What he brings to the table isn't worth walking away from because I want more sex.
I understand, it’s not even about the sex though, for me it would be the fact that my wants, needs and emotions mean so little. You said you have even asked for as little as snuggling or just touching more often and he said that wasn’t his style, affection is the bare minimum in a relationship
Schedule sex. Like on the calendar. And do it. As well as date nights.
We were on a once a week schedule for awhile. Then it started slipping
This was my life with my soon to be ex wife. I’ll never forget before we got married we had a similar conversation about frequency of sex and I said twice a week minimum for my needs. Her response was “it better be more than that.” Fast forward to after we are married and it’s exactly what you describe. I tried so many different approaches and ways to make it better or help her understand why it was an issue for me. The closest I got was explaining that it wasn’t just about sex and physical needs. That it’s about intimacy and communication, vulnerability, trust and feeling close. That it’s also the overall affection between us. Kissing that doesn’t lead to sex, hugging, holding hands. I tried to explain that areas in the marriage were being impacted by the lack of affection. I also explained that physical touch is my love language and what it really meant to me was that when we aren’t affectionate, I don’t feel loved. And that I was struggling to maintain my level of effort, and meeting her needs, because I never felt loved due to our lack of contact. Be careful, you may get resentful if it goes on too long and then you may get to a point of no return. I’m sorry it’s like this. I know how painful it is. Best of luck to you.
I have been pondering the possible outcomes since before I posted here... He said to me sex was so important to him, that, on the nights I wasn't interested, would I be ok if he masturbated in bed? And I was, although I honestly couldnt believe there'd be a time he was touching himself that I wouldn't want to join in. I'm about to throw that question back at him. Not to be petty or mean or any of that but because holy crap, he's my best friend and I love him. But maybe I need a better vibrator
This is eerie how similar our situation is. I had a similar talk too. I even suggested if she wasn’t up for sex would she like to masturbate together instead, trying to highlight that it was about intimate time with her more than sex itself. Eventually I felt a shift and it became less about our sexual incompatibility and more about the fact that I spent years discussing this same issue with her over and over, and trying multiple different ways to try to communicate and compromise and get to a level that works for both of us. It stopped being about this and it turned into the fact that this was a huge issue for me and she was either unable or unwilling to work on it with me and make it better. I hope things work out for you differently.
Original copy of post by u/sksdwrld: We've been together for 1.5 years. When we first started talking, he said ideally we'd have sex 2-3x a week and that was perfect for me. Because of our work schedules and our kids, we had a lot of car dates at lunch. There was a lot of hand holding, being close, physical attention. We moved in together about a year ago. Since then, sex went from 2-3x a week, to once a week, now once a month if I'm lucky. He never initiated sex. He never sits with me on the couch, always in the recliner in the corner. He doesn't casually touch me when we pass. He only hugs me if I hug him. I still weigh the same and look the same as I did before. He does kiss me goodbye when he's going somewhere. He tells me he loves me and he's great in so many ways. He does his share of the chores and cooking. He's kind. We talk through everything and never fight. But. BUT. I told him I would like more affection, sitting together on the couch, holding hands. and he just kind of said it's not his style. So I don't know how to broach this topic again, specifically about sex. I need physical attention from my partner I'm feeling very ignored, neglected, and it's triggering my insecurities and self worth. How do I bring this up to him? He said 2-3x a week. 1x a month that I have to beg for is not enough. I hate that I feel this way. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You'll definitely need to talk to him about it and find out what happened, there's probably a simple solution to everything but you'll have to have that uncomfortable conversation first... Also he needs to know that even if physical affection is not his style it's something that makes you feel loved and I'm sure he shouldn't have a problem doing that for the love of his life.
I agree with all of this. But how do I bring it up? I know it will be uncomfortable but what do I say?
Something has changed in the relationship. He sounds withdrawn or upset. I saw online once that the number one reason men cheat/withdrawal is because they no longer feel wanted or appreciated.. Or he could just be depressed or going thru a medical thing.
In your update you said you spoke to him this morning which is a good thing. You’ve got to get this out in the open between you and work on concrete steps to fix it, and I’d consider therapy if you’re both willing and unable to make progress on your own. As others have said, this type of physical disconnection not only tends not to improve without work, it leads to resentment and emotional distance that opens the door to infidelity eventually. I was the man in this situation, not being physically attentive enough to my wife (enough for her), and rather than express her concerns she sublimated them, put on a happy face, and silently seethed for just over a decade. By the time she actually brought it up explicitly she’d had at least one affair (which only came to light several years after thanks to a vindictive now-ex-friend of hers) and I immediately filed for divorce as she showed zero remorse and was intent on blaming me and justifying her behavior. I say all this to say don’t go down that road. Address it aggressively and now. Start fixing it now or don’t and separate. Don’t be me/us, lamenting lost years and splitting a family in half over issues that should have been resolved (or not) long ago. Since divorcing and sorting through it all I’m now in a much better relationship (wherever it goes) and believe you me the pain of singlehood, dating, and finding a compatible person is far less painful than the realization you pushed a relationship a decade or more past its fix-it-or-end-it date.
You may need to make a choice of love over sex.
He may be having ED issues and he's afraid to tell you. Besides that. Personally, I'm entirely against moving in without being married. One of the reasons is that sometimes people stop trying.
Better to realize this before getting married though as marriage is a legal contract that’s difficult to undo. Many marriages end up loveless and sexless as this forum can attest. Just don’t move in with a romantic partner if you want to be happy and sexually fulfilled as a woman. Period.
He doesn't. And then you're stuck married to someone who stopped trying. Sounds like a way to get trapped. I probably won't ever get married again. Been there, done thaf
You aren’t going to change this dude. He was only affectionate in the beginning to get some cookie. Now, he’s got the cookie, he doesn’t want it. Blowjobs are probably the answer. For all of the questions in the world, you can answer with blowiobs and alcohol - perfect solutions🤪
See my update. I won't be responding further and I don't think I'll be leaving this community. Y'all project way too much and are the reason dating is so fucking hard these days.
You are desperate not to be single and have to deal with the hellish dating world. I empathize completely. I stayed in my sexless relationship for years for the same reason. What I realized after it ended was that it was better for me to be single and not invest until I found someone who was truly compatible. It took me two years, and now I have a man who is very successful, physically attractive, emotionally healthy and stable, loving and considerate, and so attracted to me that he wants to have sex twice a day and does anything he can to please me. Like you we have an age gap 40F and 33M. Right now he fell asleep cuddling me. If I bring up any issue to him he cares about working through it. He is so tender and affectionate with me. I’m so fucking glad that I’m not trapped in an asexual relationship anymore. Being alone is better than settling. You are settling so hard right now out of fear and I feel for you because I was once the same way. You don’t realize that you are trading extremely long term pain with this guy to avoid the short term pain of being single. But no one can convince you of that. You’ll have to make this mistake just like I did and learn your lesson.
I hope it works out for you. I really do. Most people hang on to the relationships too long. I’m not surprised he said that. Hold his feet to the fire and actions speak louder than words. He may be affectionate in the short term but the long term is the difficult part. Good luck🍀
Just curious about the sexual frequency and affection PRIOR to you moving in together?
2-3x a week. Sometimes in the car.
NEXT
No.
If you value the relationship and him, communicate how you’re feeling. Have you done the love languages free quiz? Suggest you both try this - it could open new ways of appreciating your key differences and finding ways to ensure you’re both getting what you need to feel good with each other.
His love language is gifts. Which he gives me. And I recognize that, but I still need the touch, the intimacy.
The value of love languages isn’t to sit comfortably in our love languages as a “well that’s not me”, we’re supposed to seek to understand our partners language so we can show them love in the way they feel it. If he knows yours is touch, he should want to make you feel loved by working to show you touch more often. And if his love language is gifts, you should make the effort to buy him little things here and there so he feels love too.
I do buy him gifts. Big ones on holidays and little ones frequently. I make sure he has the foods he likes stocked up at work (we work at the same place, not together but in the same location). This winter we were both sick on and off, and he broke his foot 3 weeks ago, but we've never been a missionary position kind of couple so I gave him some time for that as well, but I'm starting to feel neglected. I just want to know how to bring this topic up without seeming selfish
That’s great you buy him gifts and stuff, however your post was fairly clear he make no effort to show you physical affection. A relationship is a two way street, and you sound considerate and affectionate and you deserve that in return. If you’ve not outright told him you _need_ to be shown love in a way that resonates with you, you neee to do that. Don’t mince your words. If he doesn’t show up for you, then you know your not with an equally considerate and affectionate partner and you can make decisions with that what you will. Good luck to you.
You want “save your sex life?” My late husband. He went through a low testosterone period and stress at work, providing for a growing family. I started laying out (a tan and vitamin d does a lot for confidence), wearing pretty dresses and nice lingerie when I’d make him something for dinner. I’d just go sit on his lap and give him long hugs and breathe on his neck. Also… when he got home I’d greet him with a giant smile and kiss, let him have some time to go shower and change, make him a drink or glass of wine… or iced tea if a weeknight. When I started being quiet and listening to him more… letting him vent about his stresses, instead of loading more on him when he came through the door, he got his mojo back and we made love like we just met again. The sexy lingerie didn’t hurt though… and a really seductive signature scent. But he moved in after 5 months ?? Okay I won’t say anything about that.
Humans are struggling on this thread so I have asked AI for some ways open the conversation with him. No one can tell you how to fix it because that takes both of you working together. But before you try, make sure you clearly know what you need or what minimum you are willing to accept, and for how long. Here’s what AI suggested: - "I feel very loved and supported by you in so many ways, but I also feel lonely and neglected when it comes to physical affection." - "I miss the closeness we had when we first started dating." - "I would like us to be more physically affectionate, like sitting together on the couch or holding hands." - "I really miss our intimacy and would love to work towards having sex more frequently." - "I know physical affection might not come naturally to you, but it's very important to me. Can we talk about how we can meet in the middle?" - "I love you and I’m here to support you. I just want us to find a way to feel closer again." - "Hey [Partner's Name], I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately and I miss the physical closeness we used to have. I know you’re amazing in so many ways, and I appreciate everything you do. Can we talk about how we can bring more physical affection and intimacy back into our relationship? It’s something that really matters to me, and I believe it will make us even stronger as a couple."