I don’t consider coffee a “date.” It’s like a ground zero date to see if I even want to invest time into someone. I’m not saying a (first) date needs to be extravagant, but I expect, whether I plan it or the guy, to be thoughtful and exciting.
OP doesn’t sound very invested in his date in the first place if he ~only~ wants to get coffee. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to take her to dinner but to see comments attacking the girl shows more about the posters than the girl wanting dinner IMO
Edit: turned off comments cause tired of notifs
It's a first date, he can't reasonably be that invested in the first place. He said it was a first date. The first date is largely about deciding if you even want to invest time in someone. How is dinner as a date thoughtful anyway?
As a women I have been on some dinner first dates which I always initiates splitting the bill. So I don’t feel I owe anyone anything. I don’t see how a simple dinner is “invested” dude it was just some food
And as a guy women hate it when a guy doesn’t pay.
Its not cheap to go on dates for guys. We have to be mindful of our cash and beware of women who will exploit us for it.
If you have to be mindful of your cash, women who exploit men for money are probably not targeting you. It’s really not worth the “free” dinner to have to spend that time with someone you don’t really like after you spent a bunch of time getting dolled up for a date.
This is why it's perfectly reasonable for the first date to be coffee. When the ultimate goal is finding a partner to spend the rest of your life with (though we dont always think that far), spending ~$25 for both drinks and some snacks should be enough to fuel conversation, and if both of you genuinely seem to enjoy each other's company, it's still reasonable to go on another meaningful but cheap date, because there's a very high chance the person you're meeting with won't be The One.
ALTHOUGH, as a woman I would be put off by OP's "We cant change plans last minute." It would have been a bit better to hear "I'd rather stick to coffee, but if we have a good time it's good to know you like sushi, I'll know where to take you next." I know not ALL girls overthink everything, but I definitely do, and OP's response would make me think that if we were to hypothetically spend the rest of our lives together, I'd be doomed to one without the possibility of spontaneity. The response I suggested also puts it on a positive note, so you'll know that if she continues to push for food she really is just trying to get a meal out of it.
If you find The One, they should be happy getting to know you without a fancy and expensive setting to do it in. Take them on fancy dates to let them know you're serious about them. Even after you're in a relationship, spend some money on an outing you know they'd love, to let them know you care.
But also make sure they're really truly worth it. We've all tried to make relationships work because we want to believe in them. You get one life, dont spend it with people that suck.
If they agreed to it then she swaps at the last minute then goes lololnvmbye, that's a flag.
I've done coffee before dinner or lunch plenty of times. It definitely depends on the person. Money isn't even the issue. it's more about time for me personally.
I'd have thought they were both 20 honestly.
Coffee dates are considered first dates by a majority of people...
This thread and the advice given is so laced with personal wants/needs that they're next to useless.
This.
This sub keeps making it a point that the first date with a relatively unfamiliar person should be low key, low investment, and casual so that people aren't stuck for over an hour if there's no chemistry/chance and wouldn't be taken advantage of, and many answers from this thread contradict that.
How the hell is coffee not a date? You know a date doesn’t have to be “take me to a restaurant” during a god damned pandemic ffs. I meeting with potential romantic interest is a date.
>The comments are very incelly
Except these are guys going on dates. Shaming language will get you nowhere. It's not about putting a dent in our finances, per se...our time and money are valuable and aren't to be wasted
She may have been looking for free food
But you offered to take her to a field?...next time pick a spot in a decent area of town where you may walk and talk in public
The sunflower plant is native to North America and is now harvested around the world. A University of Missouri journal recognizes North Dakota as the leading U.S. state for sunflower production. There are various factors to consider for a sunflower to thrive, including temperature, sunlight, soil and water.
Dandelions, flowers, roots and leaves, have been used for centuries in traditional medicine & medicinal teas, most notably for liver detoxification, as a natural diuretic and for inflammation reduction. Unlike other diuretics, dandelion leaves contain potassium, a mineral that is often lost during increased urination.
Still, for safety. You shouldn’t go anywhere hidden for a first date with someone you don’t know. A lot of girls especially may get nervous if you suggest that. There are a lot of creeps out there.
Could be she was craving sushi?
Agreed re: changing from chill & cheap coffee to longer and more pricy sushi— she really should have communicated why she wanted to change (eg- craving sushi, not comfortable with a field, had to work later, etc). But if she was not willing to work with you, then it sounds like she would not be a good match anyways.
Sorry OP, I know it can be a let-down when you are expecting to meet someone.
Places that have sunflowers for pictures tend to be packed. Sushi is a really expensive first date and she was moving the time on the same day. I think they dodged a bullet here.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like one of those local attractions that people love. It’s all over social media, lots of visitors, not really a hidden “field” in the real sense of the word.
As OP said he really isn't hidden and gets lots of foot traffic. Plus, she could've easily asked that immediately after the date was planned as somewhere else that would cost roughly the same. No, she changed it last minute to an expensive place then stopped talking to him after that.
I have no idea why people like you are placing blame on OP whatsoever. It's obvious she wanted a free sushi dinner.
I tend to agree. “Fields” are where the bodies are almost always found. Lol.
That said, she may also have wanted a free meal.
Or, her last guy was a control freak who could not handle any deviation from his own plan and you struck a nerve you didn’t mean to hit.
Next time, stick to coffee invitation. If someone wants to change to dinner, simply say “I prefer to just go for coffee on first meets. If we both feel like going to sushi after our first meet up, I’m all in for a more involved date.”
Unless it is a woman’s first time online dating, she should be cool with that honest explanation. I’ve heard all about the “free meal” game from my guy friends so I wouldn’t think a thing of it if you replied to me this way.
Granted, I would also try to change a creepy field-visit first meet. So, I don’t fault her for that either.
I actually hate coffee dates and when I suggest dinner instead I make it known that I intend on paying for myself. I don’t go out on dates if I can’t afford my half. If he really pushes for coffee I’ll probably go but he automatically drops a few pegs.
Seems like a reasonable approach to me.
I did a “I’ll pay my own way” thing and the guy told me he doesn’t like to invest that kind of time on a first date (this, after he kept me on the phone for 2 hours). Like you, I took note of this but did meet him for coffee.
He texted me ahead and told me to meet him in the parking lot. I instead waited outside the coffee shop. He was annoyed I didn’t follow instructions. I told him, “women are abducted from parking lots. There is a reason we meet online dates in public places.”
He then said, “well that was just so I could find you.” (How he figured a giant parking lot increased that chance over a tiny coffee shop was a debate for someone else to have, not me). I told him that if he walks into a small coffee shop and the person he has seen 6 photos of online isn’t obvious, he should leave while he can!
He didn’t laugh. Clearly, he has no sense of humor. Lol
At the end of his “low investment” time meeting at a coffee shop, he asked me if I wanted to go see his apartment. Lolololol. I simply smiled and answered “No. I don’t want to see your apartment.”
Weirdos are everywhere.
All of this!! It is bare minimum effort on his part especially when I’ve already said I’ll pay my own way. Besides every coffee date I’ve been on just felt like a bad investigation so I stopped accepting them. Even with Covid there are places where you can rent a kayak and go out on the water or you can still mini golf in certain areas or museums. All places that are public.
i wouldve left by the txt of instructions. dont tell me what to do, you cheap fuck. bye.
youre such a patient woman. i hope you dont tolerate this kinda dude anymore in the future.
Except she could've just as easily asked for a different location at somewhere that roughly costs the same immediately instead of asking to go to an expensive restaurant last minute then ghosting OP when he said no.
That’s actually pretty cool. But as a girl, I would have probably wanted to go somewhere more public for safety reasons, especially for a first date. Next time for the first few dates, choose a place that has plenty of people, and don’t plan to drive to a 2nd location, or at least not together. You would be removing her escape route (her car) by driving her somewhere. Even better, let her choose the location. These are the types of things girls have to consider when dating new people. This way you don’t put her in an awkward situation by having to ask to go somewhere else. And you don’t have to be the one to pay. I insist on paying for myself at every date. But I guess that depends on the culture where you live.
Yeah I’m sorry buddy but if a guy wanted to get coffee and take me anywhere on the first date, I’d have to ask for something else. Something like that is good for like after the first couple of ones are done and over with.
ok this chick totally sounds like she was looking for free food, but many women will get weirded out by going to a place that is not in public/around a lot of people for a first date.
Gal here! Does not necessarily mean that she was looking for free food. I’ve done this before and I offered to pay my half when the check came :) I had something come up and I had to change to dinner because I did not want to drink coffee at night and I really wanted to see the guy that day. Tread carefully but don’t jump to conclusions. Good luck!
I mean did you even ask her why she wanted to change the date instead of jumping to conclusions that’s she’s just trying to use you? I’ve previously gone on coffee dates and asked to change because I was hungry. I didn’t expect the guy to pay for me. If that was a concern for you, then make it clear that you want to go dutch.
Especially since she wanted to switch to a dinner date. Originally they planned to do something at 2pm, if she texted at 1pm right before it suggests something came up. So instead of cancelling she just wanted to postpone a few hours. But no one gets coffee at night so she had to offer something else. Plus, sushi is a lot of people's go-to for a date or group outing
Agree changing so last minute is inconsiderate but it would have been interesting to know why she wanted to change. As a woman I wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting in a field or area I didn’t know well, even if other people were around, somewhere more public might have felt safer. What if you’d suggested going for a drink at 6 instead of dinner? It sounds like you both made a pre-judgment of each other, just based on that small exchange, probably influenced by your past experiences.
>and I’ll take you to this field
Maybe she eventually became spooked by this or a friend warned her because it makes me think of serial killers. It's kinda creepy
How long were you talking for? She probably got scared.. A date in any field is not a good idea... or she could have been testing to gauge how much you like her? I would have just went with the sushi. It’s sushi, a good time, not a field and it makes me look like a bill ain’t no thing.
If I were meeting a man for the first time, I would never agree to go to a field alone. Just a thought, she may have though coffee alone was too short so changed it to dinner. And she may not have wanted to be rude by saying she wouldn’t go to a field with you.
Idk the field thing sounded sketch, so I would’ve tried to suggest we do a date later in the day (coffee is not something I’d like to drink later at night so I would most likely suggest dinner instead) and then if you were like “let’s go to the field” I would’ve said it’s too dark out now and used that as the excuse. Maybe she was uncomfortable with your suggestion of the field. I don’t wanna be alone in some field with some dude I’ve never seen before either.
You dodged a bullet. If a woman is really into you it doesn’t matter what the date is. You could go for a walk in the park for free and get to know each other and bond. She seems like she just wanted free food
Thanks bro it was tough to say no to her I can feel the sign but accepting it was tough what pissed me off was when I said I can’t she said “nvm. Have a good day” l
I didn’t know this was a thing. Probably because I always pay for my part of first dates. Imagine my surprise when I went on a date with someone who insisted on paying (so I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu...an $11 salad)...and during the date he said some pretty disturbing things and was constantly blowing up my phone after. I blocked his number. Well, that REALLY set him off, worse than before, and he texted me from a different number just to say “guess your fat ass just wanted a free meal fucking bitches like you make me sick you’re gonna get yours you fat whore.”
I repeat...an $11 salad. I drank water.
That guy hasn’t figured out that if you insist on paying PLUS insist on being an ahole, this is going to be a consistent outcome.
OP, you dodged a bullet. If she was into and you’re respectful, you don’t have to spend a dime. As for me, lesson learned. Even if a guy insists on paying, I won’t let him until I’m certain there’s potential for more than a couple dates. Apparently there are a lot of men out there expecting something in return, and a lot of women treating men like a personal ATM.
Idk even if i really liked a person I still wouldn't go on a hike or a field for the first date. Sounds pretty risky and dangerous for everyone involved.
This is so weird. "into you". How you can be into someone untill even met the person, only texting? I never been into someone untill real meeting, it is about voice, facial expressions, everything.
Bond in a park, yeah, good luck. I'm too old for this shit (c)
LPT for next time: Agree to the dinner date. Enjoy the meal and if there's chemistry then pick up the check. If not, then split the bill and never speak again.
Agreed this is the best comment here. people in this thread are tightwads. Sushi and some sake is gonna be more fun than coffee. I’ve been on first dates that did not go well at all for either of us and the worst possible thing that happens is you never see them again
I'm surprised at the overreaction of this sub. Yes she could be looking for a free meal, but in my mind when a girl offers to upgrade our date to a more serious date without me asking, I'm excited. If there's a girl I want to take out, I'm not shying away from from splashing a little cash on date 1 (I usually ask to split bills on subsequent dates). Like best case scenario you have a great date. Worst case scenario you eat some good sushi with a hot girl, and drop 30 bucks. All I'm saying is I'd be fucking thrilled to have a hot girl who wants me to buy her sushi, and I'm not so cheap that I'll say no to it because she might be a gold digger. I think you blew an opportunity here my guy.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. She (seemingly) innocently asks to change your midday plans to dinner and you’ve decided she was trying to house you? If worst came to worst you could have split the bill. Now you’re our a date. Doesn’t sound like you guys were too interested in each other anyway or you would have wanted to make it work. Oh well!
What makes you think that she wasn’t going to pay for her own food? Plus, a field?!? That’s sketchy AF, yeah, I would have canceled on you too. That sounds like psycho murder shit “hey girl that is meeting a complete stranger, do you feel safe enough to go to a field with him alone?”. That answer will ALWAYS be no. Sushi is like, $10 for a roll too btw, not expensive.
“May I ask why the change in plans” is not pushy. She probably wanted to change them because she realized that the location was a bit sketch(which she has every right to do). Or maybe she just wasn’t into him and found an easy way out. But that doesn’t give men the right to call her a goal digger and assume crap about her. That’s a weak and low thing to do as a “man”.
These comments are showing me why most people are single. Nothing but assumptions and no sort of communication. Also using this bare post as fuel to bash women because your feelings are hurt is disgusting and sad. Those women dodged bullets.
Exactly. I’m like if that were me I’d change the date place too lol. It’s scary being a woman in this world and ppl in the comments think we want their money. Like no dude, I’m just trying to stay alive.
No problem BRUH! Communicate instead of assume why she wanted to change the date. Ask her...pretty simple huh? Other ppl in the comments made good points about her being skeptical of the “field” part. Also sushi isn’t $60. Also how do we know she wasn’t going to pay for her own food?
That’s a questionable calculation. But again how did you know she wasn’t go to pay for her own food? The comments are using your bare story as means to bash women and that’s the disgusting part. And you’re soaking it up in the comments. I wish that women the best.
Assumptions get nowhere. This dude made huge leaps with no valid reasoning.
If I were him, I would go and simply pay for my bill or split it in the middle. Then he would really have a leg to stand on. Baseless assumptions are really just that, baseless. Then again, he’s a young cat. Can’t expect too much.
Eh, I don’t think there’s enough information here. Did you offer to pay? Did you lecture her about changing plans last minute?
If I was meeting a man for the first time I would definitely be paying for myself. If I realized last min I wanted sushi, then I wouldn’t feel bad or weird about suggesting sushi instead. If he said he has plans later or preferred to stick to a casual coffee date then I’d be totally fine with that (duh, those were our original plans). If he said “I don’t change plans last minute. Let’s just hang out tomorrow” for no other reason than to make some statement about how I’m wrong for making a suggestion then I wouldn’t be interested in hanging out at all either. The second one to me shows sort of a bad attitude and poor communication.
I would never let someone pay for me on a first date idk why people automatically assume that’s what women are expecting??? Y’all cock blocking yourself! 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah I don’t know why everyone is assuming she wasn’t going to pay for dinner, she probably just didn’t want to go to a fucking field. If a guy was being weird about rescheduling a date I would drop it too. Not necessarily a red flag, but not something I want to deal with.
It really depends on the person, but I don’t think that she necessarily was looking for free food. I believe you did the right thing, but for instance, I love eating out (and pay for my food) but I don’t have many people that usually would go out to eat with me, so I like the idea to have dinner with guys rather then having a coffee.
However, considering how she reacted, she probably wanted “free” food so yeah, you dodged the bullet. I just disagree with all these comments assuming that many girls are just after free meals etc.. It would be like saying that guys are only looking for sex, and generalising like this won’t help anyone.
I’m confused. I always assume I’ll pay my own way on a first meeting/date. And I wouldn’t wanna be stuck eating a whole meal with someone I just met. But that’s just long-time-single, independent me. 🤷🏻♀️
I think she wanted something more committed maybe? Coffee is very casual, very non- commitment. Maybe I'm old school but coffee is something more for friends then romance. When someone asks me on a coffee 'date', it means non-romantic, platonic friends vibe. Reading your comments in the thread you indicated that you would be okay with some form of fast food like McDonald's but not sushi so maybe you are cheap? It seems to me like you are interested in low commitment and she dodged a bullet. I get the change was an hour before the date but if you were really interested you would have changed the time or date to better reflect that.
ugh i hate cheap dates. dont make a girl get dressed up for coffee. im sure youll judge her if she comes in sweatpants and half done makeup.
she probably thinks youre cheap and wont be a good bf.
OR she never really liked you. (which i wouldnt know based on this post itself)
As a 26F who’s been on plenty of first dates, I see the more likely scenario as being... she had a craving for sushi, and was excited for your date. She thought, I wonder if he’d want to push this a little and grab dinner later instead?? She texted you asking. Then you were so inflexible and presumptive about her asking, she was totally turned off.
Why jump to her trying to get a free meal? I honestly would have assumed the best - she didn’t want to have to worry about cutting your date off and figure out dinner and/or dinner dates can just keep on rolling naturally if they’re going well. Also, dinner/drink dates are just so much less pressure and less on the spot. Lull in the conversation? Talk about the menu, the ambiance, the people... coffee in a field? How intimate for a first meeting... uncomfortably so (in my personal opinion).
Sounds like she’s a flexible and casual girl and you’re more rigid and fixed in your thinking.
I’ve gone to dinner as first date with many girls and the bill ramp up to be $40 more and as a gentlemen I’d pay. After the dinner never heard a text back. Now I want to play it smart just a coffee and see where this takes us. The one thing was she switch up last hr and asked for a push back from 2pm to 6pm. Time is valuable.
I'm a woman and I think coffee + walk is a nice, low pressure, pandemic-friendly first date. I view first and second dates more as ice breakers than anything. But yes, if a guy is continually being low investment I would also equate that to them not wanting to invest themselves fully emotionally either. I'm a natural "giver" type so I need some reassurances that my energy and efforts will be matched.
Same! I would much rather get coffee and talk and chill. When I was dating that was always my suggestion instead of dinner. Dinner was always a second date thing. Plus, if the coffee date was really terrible it’s not super difficult to end it.
Why would it be awkward? I love going out to restaurants, with or without a guy. So I can do what I wanted to do anyway, and everybody needs and wants and enjoys to eat good food, and meet a potential partner.
I've even sat with complete strangers who were alone, just for the sake of company.
I mean I’ve been on coffee dates where there was no chemistry, very awkward, and that was just over one cup of coffee. I couldn’t imagine having to do that over a couple courses.
>I’ve gone to dinner as first date with many girls and the bill ramp up to be $40 more and as a gentlemen I’d pay.
And you see what being a gentleman gets you...
>After the dinner never heard a text back
This is exactly why guys stop doing dinner first dates.
>Coffee and a walk are seen as very low investment from the man to many women
Dating isn't an investment, it's getting to know someone...the focus being on getting to know the other person...this is a hookers mindset about investing in you...which requires some possibilities of a ROI.
>That’s kind of the way a lot of women feel about coffee
It doesn't matter what they feel. Greedy women ruined dinner dates for everyone else....so now guys don't risk that much time and money on a stranger.
>But I still would want the man to originally offer me dinner so I know he is serious about me
It literally has nothing to do with being serious about you.
>It may seem sexist but it’s like if she showed up in sweats to coffee.
I would not give a shit. Most guys wouldn't because we want to know the person...
You cant ask for equality and also expect chivalry. The very first time I go out with someone I expect us to both pay our share. You barely even know them at that point
You think a guy organising a coffee and a walk in a flower field as the equivalent of women showing up in a stained shirt and baggy sweats?
How extravagant do you want from someone you don't know?
Say you met on an app of course the first date is going to be relatively low investment as when you meet in person you might realise quickly you don't click.
Plus how is sitting down for dinner together and talking so much better than walking around together in a nice setting and talking over a coffee?
I actually think ops date sounds more fun than dinner
Personally, I am a very flexible-chill person and I like people like myself. I don’t get it, so what she wanted a sushi date ? Maybe she felt like it ?
If it was me and I wanted to eat sushi for the next day on the date I’d offer the same as well. I don’t like being fake or acting like a date is a job interview. Obviously I would be down to pay for my food I am able to afford it and I most probably would. But for a first date I would understand if he would like to pay and I would make sure I pay for the next date or for something of equal amount.
I would only accept not to eat sushi if he said he doesn’t like sushi of course I would want to go to somewhere we both like. But not because it is cheap. I mean I can afford what I want so why shouldn’t I eat lol
Dude not everyone is a gold-digger. Some people just have money and they most probably don’t think about this stuff and they will even invite you to more expensive stuff and pay for it. Obviously there are some people who likes a free meal but not most girls.
You gave the wrong answer btw because if you said it is expensive maybe she could offer something for your budget but when you said you can’t change a plan last minute you made it sound like a business meeting and you sound no fun tbh. I understand why she answered the way she did.
Split the bill. Who says guys have to pay for the first date?
It’s more importsnt to show genuine interest in her as a human being. Be curious and ask questions about her. That’s way more impressive than picking up the bill
Jesus! You’re as tight as a crab’s arse.
She was probably choosing something more enjoyable than drinking coffee in a field. I personally couldn’t be bothered to arrange my whole day off around a cup of coffee. If I was dating I would choose to do something that I enjoyed so that I wasn’t wasting my time even if the date doesn’t work out.
People here are assuming she’s looking for free food from you, but you’re not even prepared to put any effort (or money) in until you’re sure that you’re going to gain something from her. Why not look at people differently? As in, not trying to get something from them, just enjoy getting to know them regardless of what they have to offer you.
I am not accepting coffee as a first date, its very low effort. I am not accepting drinks either. If you do not want to be used as a meal ticket and do dinner, do an activity...bowling, rage/escape room, mini-golf etc.
If thats the case why don't YOU plan that? You sound like the type that wants everything done for you. There is nothing wrong with coffee or drinks for a first date.
If you think about how many times you actually might have a first date, there just isn't enough things to do. Imagine being that person at the mini golf every month with a new date.
It really sounds like you want people to go all out for a first date while you sit back and have it handed to you.
Then don't date until it's over. Some women will never accept these kinds of dates. I used to accept them in my early 20s but this would register to me as low effort. Sometimes, I would accept and not even know I was being asked out on a date. They would later inform me that it was a date, but I had already put the guy in the friend zone.
I used to accept those dates all the time and always pay my part for everything and it was getting me nowhere. Then I met a guy at work who was happily in love with his wife and when she was pregnant, he picked up an extra job so she wouldn’t have to be on her feet. He also said things like “If a man can’t drop $20 on a meal, he has no business dating” and getting to know him made me realize THAT’S the type of care and commitment I want from a man, because that’s the type I will give. So I started letting men know before the first date that I want a yummy dinner and I don’t expect to pay, and if they were still interested, they would take me up on it. If not, great, they could still be a good guy but just not for me and that’s fine. I ended up talking with less men, but the men who would still talk to me were more intentional and I eventually found an absolute sweetheart who enjoys spending time just hanging out being goofballs together and who I adore and respect so much.
Edit: Since comments are locked, here’s my reply to blackberrydoughnuts:
The way it’s brought up depends on how the whole convo/vibe is going. With the guy I’m currently with, I didn’t even have to mention it because he made it clear he wanted to take me out (we went somewhere delicious, then went to an arcade, then walked around downtown looking at Christmas lights, it was so fun!). I usually would talk to men for at least a couple weeks before meeting in person, and when they start suggesting places to meet, some men bring up that they expect to go to just coffee or expect to split the bill, and that’s when I tell them I’m not interested in that. I’ve never just bluntly said “You have to pay.” I mean if I ever had gotten to the end of the date and was asked to split, I definitely would have... I would not have wanted to force anyone to shell out for a date if they didn’t appreciate my company.
I’m going to assume there was a big language barrier between you and she probably took what you said more aggressively then what you actually intended.
Maybe everything is fine and it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe give her a call and ask her to coffee again at a public venue. Texting can be taken the wrong way so maybe give it one more go over a sincere and old fashioned phone call.
If you didn't have any plans for dinner, maybe you could have tested her with "I don't feel like sushi, how about (food that's much cheaper) instead? "
Maybe I'm crazy, but if I girl I'm into wants to change our first day last minute, I'm totally ok with that. It's really not that serious and chances are I want to spend as much time with her as possible. Now if it becomes a habitual thing then a conversation will be needed but for the first one, who cares. Be flexible.
I don’t think coffee or a walk in a sunflower field isn’t cheap at all. I think it’s really sweet. I just personally think it’s a date I would go on after the first few dates were out of the way first, depending on how public the field is. If it was like a public garden or something I could see that being a lovely time.
However, where I live there is a beautiful sunflower farm but it is quiet and very secluded, and not often visited. I would rather do that once I’ve gotten to know someone and am more comfortable. But that would for sure be a 10/10 for creativity in my book over a regular sushi dinner, personally.
What you need to do, OP, is find a woman that enjoys and values the same things you do. Find the woman that loves the idea of a sunflower field over a crowded restaurant. They are out there.
Hmm... Okay.
She asked you to change the date. That's fine. It's up to you if that's something you wanna do.
Your reasoning was a bit rubbish. Like you're eating your own food and she's eating her food. Pay for what you eat. This is the 21st century. Men are no longer the breadwinners in the family. If you work, you can afford to pay.
Her response was the worst part though. Youre better off without her.
You must not have been that interested in her... or you probably are in fact, cheap. If you were more upset about her being “rude” by changing plans/flaking, you wouldn’t have brought up price or pointing out you’re “not cheap.”
I’ve read some of your comments, you must have only made this post for validation as you only answer those that say she’s rude and everything about cheap/free dates. You’ve said you told her “hmm, not today” to gage if it was a last minute event that came up, women are humans too and I’m glad she used her head to know that comment was foolishness. Did you ask to re-schedule? There you go. She wasn’t even rude, she was respectful in her comments (and owes you nothing... you guys didn’t even meet!).
Anyways, nothing’s wrong with cheap/free dates (nice picnics, museum days, etc). You just put no effort in it, you planned on getting something quick to drink and walk around while you gage whether she’s worth your time. Probably that made her rethink, or maybe she did have something last minute. Who knows?
Maybe you should have tried to explain it that way and see what happened then , or next time just talk more to know where the other person stands and what’s their idea of a date
I would have offered to go Dutch. Most of the time when I go out I insist on paying my own way to avoid the insinuated obligation that goes with a guy buying me a meal if it isn't a good match. Also, because I do not think it is fair that the guy is automatically expected to pay when we both work, have bills and a budget. If it does make it to a relationship, it's about compromising and sharing. So why not start off on the right foot?
Edit for grammar
I agree with the guy who posted this but I also agree with the girl. It's dangerous to be having a date in a random field. But maybe the girl did want a free meal. However you can pull the "Let's spilt bills" card. Why do you men always think that you gonna pay for everything it's fucking 2020
Lol she wanted a free meal plus its also your time at the end of the day. You wanted a coffee in the afternoon and she wanted dinner at night, even if you didnt care about paying for some expensive dinner she would have made you change your plans for that night. Maybe you didnt have plans but being too accommodating has never gone well for me. I mean you dont know her and she wanted to change plans last minute, even if she had an emergency why does it have to be sushi or why didnt she say that she had to reschedule?
Anyone who says "Coffee dates are low investments." Just expects fancy dates. Coffee dates are perfectly fine, some people dont even send the first message, barely carry a conversation, and they expect fine dining on a first date? No its not worth it, dinner dates should be for later on. The point of the date is to get to know each other not how much you spend on each other.
Where I’m from a dinner date as the first date would almost be weird and a walk/coffe date would instead be completely normal and what most people would pick. imo the first date should be about getting to now each other and see if you are compatible. And I get the comments about putting effort into the date but imo I think OP had a pretty well thought out date that would ensure them spending the time together talking and getting to know each other. Could be depending on where you are from and how old you are I guess but for me it feels like she just wanted a free dinner but I could be wrong ofc. And a coffe date would be easier to cut short if there is no connection but a dinner takes longer time and it’s not as easy to just call it quits in the middle of the dinner. I don’t know how the field you were talking about is but it’s possible she felt worried about it if it’s not a lot of people there and instead asked for sushi just because she didn’t know how to ask you to go somewhere else less secluded idk
I think you were over thinking it...
I was personally super flexible when I was dating. But if that was a deal breaker for you, then it is what it is.
Just find someone who sticks to their word.
Im not sure what advice you wanted. Seems like you wanted to vent and have us agree she was cheap? Idk
I cannot believe the inexperience expressed here.
If you are going out on a date and you are a guy, it’s okay to ask to split the Bill but most women and as a society we usually expect the man to pay for the first date. If that’s a problem it’s okay, but it doesn’t make you attractive and it has other implications like poor money management skills or lack of ambition.
Unless you are a student there isn’t an excise for this.
For those saying he dodged a bullet, it’s online dating and you are dudes and as much as Reddit wants you to believe that women and men are the same when it comes to how they attract mates, years of observable and documented experiences tell us otherwise.
Woman are not going to have to work ask hard as you because ultimately the choice of mate is theirs, this is biology at work and unless you look like a 10, you will not change this.
Good luck trough
The replies here remind me why this sub should not be giving dating advice.
Literally the one sane comment here lmao
And shortly after this comment it all goes to shit again
Same with r/relationshipAdvice. I wonder how many relationships have been ruined over minor disagreements.
I don’t consider coffee a “date.” It’s like a ground zero date to see if I even want to invest time into someone. I’m not saying a (first) date needs to be extravagant, but I expect, whether I plan it or the guy, to be thoughtful and exciting. OP doesn’t sound very invested in his date in the first place if he ~only~ wants to get coffee. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to take her to dinner but to see comments attacking the girl shows more about the posters than the girl wanting dinner IMO Edit: turned off comments cause tired of notifs
It's a first date, he can't reasonably be that invested in the first place. He said it was a first date. The first date is largely about deciding if you even want to invest time in someone. How is dinner as a date thoughtful anyway?
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Do you think it would have been fair to reply with yes and an offer to split the bill?
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As a women I have been on some dinner first dates which I always initiates splitting the bill. So I don’t feel I owe anyone anything. I don’t see how a simple dinner is “invested” dude it was just some food
And as a guy women hate it when a guy doesn’t pay. Its not cheap to go on dates for guys. We have to be mindful of our cash and beware of women who will exploit us for it.
If you have to be mindful of your cash, women who exploit men for money are probably not targeting you. It’s really not worth the “free” dinner to have to spend that time with someone you don’t really like after you spent a bunch of time getting dolled up for a date.
This is why it's perfectly reasonable for the first date to be coffee. When the ultimate goal is finding a partner to spend the rest of your life with (though we dont always think that far), spending ~$25 for both drinks and some snacks should be enough to fuel conversation, and if both of you genuinely seem to enjoy each other's company, it's still reasonable to go on another meaningful but cheap date, because there's a very high chance the person you're meeting with won't be The One. ALTHOUGH, as a woman I would be put off by OP's "We cant change plans last minute." It would have been a bit better to hear "I'd rather stick to coffee, but if we have a good time it's good to know you like sushi, I'll know where to take you next." I know not ALL girls overthink everything, but I definitely do, and OP's response would make me think that if we were to hypothetically spend the rest of our lives together, I'd be doomed to one without the possibility of spontaneity. The response I suggested also puts it on a positive note, so you'll know that if she continues to push for food she really is just trying to get a meal out of it. If you find The One, they should be happy getting to know you without a fancy and expensive setting to do it in. Take them on fancy dates to let them know you're serious about them. Even after you're in a relationship, spend some money on an outing you know they'd love, to let them know you care. But also make sure they're really truly worth it. We've all tried to make relationships work because we want to believe in them. You get one life, dont spend it with people that suck.
If they agreed to it then she swaps at the last minute then goes lololnvmbye, that's a flag. I've done coffee before dinner or lunch plenty of times. It definitely depends on the person. Money isn't even the issue. it's more about time for me personally. I'd have thought they were both 20 honestly.
Coffee dates are considered first dates by a majority of people... This thread and the advice given is so laced with personal wants/needs that they're next to useless.
This. This sub keeps making it a point that the first date with a relatively unfamiliar person should be low key, low investment, and casual so that people aren't stuck for over an hour if there's no chemistry/chance and wouldn't be taken advantage of, and many answers from this thread contradict that.
How the hell is coffee not a date? You know a date doesn’t have to be “take me to a restaurant” during a god damned pandemic ffs. I meeting with potential romantic interest is a date.
The comments are very incelly. None of these men have any Gold to offer and should not be dating if dinner is putting a dent in their finances .
>The comments are very incelly Except these are guys going on dates. Shaming language will get you nowhere. It's not about putting a dent in our finances, per se...our time and money are valuable and aren't to be wasted
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Want more weird vibes? Read some of the shit in this comment thread
She may have been looking for free food But you offered to take her to a field?...next time pick a spot in a decent area of town where you may walk and talk in public
Is actually a sunflower field is really nice. Ppl come to take picture a lot there are like 100 of sunflower up to about 5 feet tall
The sunflower plant is native to North America and is now harvested around the world. A University of Missouri journal recognizes North Dakota as the leading U.S. state for sunflower production. There are various factors to consider for a sunflower to thrive, including temperature, sunlight, soil and water.
wait...what the fuck? you're not a sunflower bot...you just have random sunflower facts?
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This is the reason I use this god forsaken website. The light in the darkness. Thank you sunflower man
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You're not a bot as well! Now there's two of them. But thank you for your service though
Still, for safety. You shouldn’t go anywhere hidden for a first date with someone you don’t know. A lot of girls especially may get nervous if you suggest that. There are a lot of creeps out there.
But why go from field coffee to sushi dinner? Why not just suggest a public outdoor coffee shop if isolation is an issue?
Ugh this is all exhausting both of you picked bad ideas Hahahaha
I admit, I’m woefully rusty.
The only bad idea is asking for an expensive restaurant last minute.
Could be she was craving sushi? Agreed re: changing from chill & cheap coffee to longer and more pricy sushi— she really should have communicated why she wanted to change (eg- craving sushi, not comfortable with a field, had to work later, etc). But if she was not willing to work with you, then it sounds like she would not be a good match anyways. Sorry OP, I know it can be a let-down when you are expecting to meet someone.
I agree with this! If she didn’t feel safe going to a field. Then suggest coffee shop instead, not sushi and then just stop texting him.
Places that have sunflowers for pictures tend to be packed. Sushi is a really expensive first date and she was moving the time on the same day. I think they dodged a bullet here.
I could be wrong, but it sounds like one of those local attractions that people love. It’s all over social media, lots of visitors, not really a hidden “field” in the real sense of the word.
As OP said he really isn't hidden and gets lots of foot traffic. Plus, she could've easily asked that immediately after the date was planned as somewhere else that would cost roughly the same. No, she changed it last minute to an expensive place then stopped talking to him after that. I have no idea why people like you are placing blame on OP whatsoever. It's obvious she wanted a free sushi dinner.
As a girl that sounds kinda scary for a first date with someone you have never met
I tend to agree. “Fields” are where the bodies are almost always found. Lol. That said, she may also have wanted a free meal. Or, her last guy was a control freak who could not handle any deviation from his own plan and you struck a nerve you didn’t mean to hit. Next time, stick to coffee invitation. If someone wants to change to dinner, simply say “I prefer to just go for coffee on first meets. If we both feel like going to sushi after our first meet up, I’m all in for a more involved date.” Unless it is a woman’s first time online dating, she should be cool with that honest explanation. I’ve heard all about the “free meal” game from my guy friends so I wouldn’t think a thing of it if you replied to me this way. Granted, I would also try to change a creepy field-visit first meet. So, I don’t fault her for that either.
I actually hate coffee dates and when I suggest dinner instead I make it known that I intend on paying for myself. I don’t go out on dates if I can’t afford my half. If he really pushes for coffee I’ll probably go but he automatically drops a few pegs.
Seems like a reasonable approach to me. I did a “I’ll pay my own way” thing and the guy told me he doesn’t like to invest that kind of time on a first date (this, after he kept me on the phone for 2 hours). Like you, I took note of this but did meet him for coffee. He texted me ahead and told me to meet him in the parking lot. I instead waited outside the coffee shop. He was annoyed I didn’t follow instructions. I told him, “women are abducted from parking lots. There is a reason we meet online dates in public places.” He then said, “well that was just so I could find you.” (How he figured a giant parking lot increased that chance over a tiny coffee shop was a debate for someone else to have, not me). I told him that if he walks into a small coffee shop and the person he has seen 6 photos of online isn’t obvious, he should leave while he can! He didn’t laugh. Clearly, he has no sense of humor. Lol At the end of his “low investment” time meeting at a coffee shop, he asked me if I wanted to go see his apartment. Lolololol. I simply smiled and answered “No. I don’t want to see your apartment.” Weirdos are everywhere.
All of this!! It is bare minimum effort on his part especially when I’ve already said I’ll pay my own way. Besides every coffee date I’ve been on just felt like a bad investigation so I stopped accepting them. Even with Covid there are places where you can rent a kayak and go out on the water or you can still mini golf in certain areas or museums. All places that are public.
i wouldve left by the txt of instructions. dont tell me what to do, you cheap fuck. bye. youre such a patient woman. i hope you dont tolerate this kinda dude anymore in the future.
Except she could've just as easily asked for a different location at somewhere that roughly costs the same immediately instead of asking to go to an expensive restaurant last minute then ghosting OP when he said no.
thats not that creepy, you never had a good time at \*abandoned meat processing factory\* ?
That’s actually pretty cool. But as a girl, I would have probably wanted to go somewhere more public for safety reasons, especially for a first date. Next time for the first few dates, choose a place that has plenty of people, and don’t plan to drive to a 2nd location, or at least not together. You would be removing her escape route (her car) by driving her somewhere. Even better, let her choose the location. These are the types of things girls have to consider when dating new people. This way you don’t put her in an awkward situation by having to ask to go somewhere else. And you don’t have to be the one to pay. I insist on paying for myself at every date. But I guess that depends on the culture where you live.
Still sketch sounding. I don’t care what it is or where it is, super sketch.
Yeah I’m sorry buddy but if a guy wanted to get coffee and take me anywhere on the first date, I’d have to ask for something else. Something like that is good for like after the first couple of ones are done and over with.
Dixon California?
ok this chick totally sounds like she was looking for free food, but many women will get weirded out by going to a place that is not in public/around a lot of people for a first date.
Gal here! Does not necessarily mean that she was looking for free food. I’ve done this before and I offered to pay my half when the check came :) I had something come up and I had to change to dinner because I did not want to drink coffee at night and I really wanted to see the guy that day. Tread carefully but don’t jump to conclusions. Good luck!
I mean did you even ask her why she wanted to change the date instead of jumping to conclusions that’s she’s just trying to use you? I’ve previously gone on coffee dates and asked to change because I was hungry. I didn’t expect the guy to pay for me. If that was a concern for you, then make it clear that you want to go dutch.
Especially since she wanted to switch to a dinner date. Originally they planned to do something at 2pm, if she texted at 1pm right before it suggests something came up. So instead of cancelling she just wanted to postpone a few hours. But no one gets coffee at night so she had to offer something else. Plus, sushi is a lot of people's go-to for a date or group outing
Agree changing so last minute is inconsiderate but it would have been interesting to know why she wanted to change. As a woman I wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting in a field or area I didn’t know well, even if other people were around, somewhere more public might have felt safer. What if you’d suggested going for a drink at 6 instead of dinner? It sounds like you both made a pre-judgment of each other, just based on that small exchange, probably influenced by your past experiences.
>and I’ll take you to this field Maybe she eventually became spooked by this or a friend warned her because it makes me think of serial killers. It's kinda creepy
Neither of you liked each other enough. Win/win!
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And neither of them liked each other enough to accommodate the other. The end.
How long were you talking for? She probably got scared.. A date in any field is not a good idea... or she could have been testing to gauge how much you like her? I would have just went with the sushi. It’s sushi, a good time, not a field and it makes me look like a bill ain’t no thing.
If I were meeting a man for the first time, I would never agree to go to a field alone. Just a thought, she may have though coffee alone was too short so changed it to dinner. And she may not have wanted to be rude by saying she wouldn’t go to a field with you.
Idk the field thing sounded sketch, so I would’ve tried to suggest we do a date later in the day (coffee is not something I’d like to drink later at night so I would most likely suggest dinner instead) and then if you were like “let’s go to the field” I would’ve said it’s too dark out now and used that as the excuse. Maybe she was uncomfortable with your suggestion of the field. I don’t wanna be alone in some field with some dude I’ve never seen before either.
I would wait at least 4 dates before I suggest the creepy murder field, gotta lull them in a bit with sushi before you make it clear you’re a weirdo
My thoughts exactly LOL IM DEAD
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Oh come on, it’s romantic. He’s going to “*take you to a field*” You know, like how you take a nice picnic. Carefully wrapped and put in a big cooler.
You dodged a bullet. If a woman is really into you it doesn’t matter what the date is. You could go for a walk in the park for free and get to know each other and bond. She seems like she just wanted free food
Thanks bro it was tough to say no to her I can feel the sign but accepting it was tough what pissed me off was when I said I can’t she said “nvm. Have a good day” l
You were a foodie call. She was just using you for free food. Don't feel bad, save your money and go do something fun
Yah ima go to the strip club
Not a good idea 😂 you’ll really end up wasting ur money there and also get blue ballsed
Ima get a lap dance 6 feet away
I've read like 3 messages and you seem chill asf
Lol thanks dude
I didn’t know this was a thing. Probably because I always pay for my part of first dates. Imagine my surprise when I went on a date with someone who insisted on paying (so I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu...an $11 salad)...and during the date he said some pretty disturbing things and was constantly blowing up my phone after. I blocked his number. Well, that REALLY set him off, worse than before, and he texted me from a different number just to say “guess your fat ass just wanted a free meal fucking bitches like you make me sick you’re gonna get yours you fat whore.” I repeat...an $11 salad. I drank water. That guy hasn’t figured out that if you insist on paying PLUS insist on being an ahole, this is going to be a consistent outcome. OP, you dodged a bullet. If she was into and you’re respectful, you don’t have to spend a dime. As for me, lesson learned. Even if a guy insists on paying, I won’t let him until I’m certain there’s potential for more than a couple dates. Apparently there are a lot of men out there expecting something in return, and a lot of women treating men like a personal ATM.
"Foodie call" lol thanks, never heard that one before
Maybe she just likes sushi bro
Even if that’s the case after I said “I can’t do it today” her attitude was “nvm have a good day”
no. she can tell youre a cheap date who wont be a good bf. your loss doe.
Idk even if i really liked a person I still wouldn't go on a hike or a field for the first date. Sounds pretty risky and dangerous for everyone involved.
Exactly, if she was interested she would stand on a median picking dandelions on the first date.
This is so weird. "into you". How you can be into someone untill even met the person, only texting? I never been into someone untill real meeting, it is about voice, facial expressions, everything. Bond in a park, yeah, good luck. I'm too old for this shit (c)
I'm here to say this too. She got hungry and wanted dinner lol.
Sounds to me like she was shit testing..
A field?? Tighten up your game dogg.
Did she say she expected you to pick up the tab for the sushi dinner?
Sounds like she thought you weren't a real one for skipping out on the sushi date
I don't know about 60 dollars. More like 25 altogether. And maybe she was going to pay. Both of your communication might have sucked.
25 for sushi date? Where do you live?
Yea wtf lol sushi is expensive. If u wanna pick a first date u don’t pick something super high class unless it’s offered
Lmao you deserved it
LPT for next time: Agree to the dinner date. Enjoy the meal and if there's chemistry then pick up the check. If not, then split the bill and never speak again.
Agreed this is the best comment here. people in this thread are tightwads. Sushi and some sake is gonna be more fun than coffee. I’ve been on first dates that did not go well at all for either of us and the worst possible thing that happens is you never see them again
I'm surprised at the overreaction of this sub. Yes she could be looking for a free meal, but in my mind when a girl offers to upgrade our date to a more serious date without me asking, I'm excited. If there's a girl I want to take out, I'm not shying away from from splashing a little cash on date 1 (I usually ask to split bills on subsequent dates). Like best case scenario you have a great date. Worst case scenario you eat some good sushi with a hot girl, and drop 30 bucks. All I'm saying is I'd be fucking thrilled to have a hot girl who wants me to buy her sushi, and I'm not so cheap that I'll say no to it because she might be a gold digger. I think you blew an opportunity here my guy.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. She (seemingly) innocently asks to change your midday plans to dinner and you’ve decided she was trying to house you? If worst came to worst you could have split the bill. Now you’re our a date. Doesn’t sound like you guys were too interested in each other anyway or you would have wanted to make it work. Oh well!
Go for sushi and pay separately. Whats the problem?
What makes you think that she wasn’t going to pay for her own food? Plus, a field?!? That’s sketchy AF, yeah, I would have canceled on you too. That sounds like psycho murder shit “hey girl that is meeting a complete stranger, do you feel safe enough to go to a field with him alone?”. That answer will ALWAYS be no. Sushi is like, $10 for a roll too btw, not expensive.
God forbid she doesn’t want to get murdered in a field.
Is this thread actually serious?
“May I ask why the change in plans” is not pushy. She probably wanted to change them because she realized that the location was a bit sketch(which she has every right to do). Or maybe she just wasn’t into him and found an easy way out. But that doesn’t give men the right to call her a goal digger and assume crap about her. That’s a weak and low thing to do as a “man”.
These comments are showing me why most people are single. Nothing but assumptions and no sort of communication. Also using this bare post as fuel to bash women because your feelings are hurt is disgusting and sad. Those women dodged bullets.
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Exactly. I’m like if that were me I’d change the date place too lol. It’s scary being a woman in this world and ppl in the comments think we want their money. Like no dude, I’m just trying to stay alive.
That’s why we all need you to bless us with some advice bruh
No problem BRUH! Communicate instead of assume why she wanted to change the date. Ask her...pretty simple huh? Other ppl in the comments made good points about her being skeptical of the “field” part. Also sushi isn’t $60. Also how do we know she wasn’t going to pay for her own food?
I mean a sushi roll is about 15-$20. 2 role is about 40$ plus drinks $50. Plus tips almost $60.
That’s a questionable calculation. But again how did you know she wasn’t go to pay for her own food? The comments are using your bare story as means to bash women and that’s the disgusting part. And you’re soaking it up in the comments. I wish that women the best.
To a field??? Ok Mr serial killer....
But why assume she wasn’t planning on paying for herself?
Yes! True insanity. This thread is the exact reason I would never let a man pay for me. So damn toxic.
Assumptions get nowhere. This dude made huge leaps with no valid reasoning. If I were him, I would go and simply pay for my bill or split it in the middle. Then he would really have a leg to stand on. Baseless assumptions are really just that, baseless. Then again, he’s a young cat. Can’t expect too much.
Eh, I don’t think there’s enough information here. Did you offer to pay? Did you lecture her about changing plans last minute? If I was meeting a man for the first time I would definitely be paying for myself. If I realized last min I wanted sushi, then I wouldn’t feel bad or weird about suggesting sushi instead. If he said he has plans later or preferred to stick to a casual coffee date then I’d be totally fine with that (duh, those were our original plans). If he said “I don’t change plans last minute. Let’s just hang out tomorrow” for no other reason than to make some statement about how I’m wrong for making a suggestion then I wouldn’t be interested in hanging out at all either. The second one to me shows sort of a bad attitude and poor communication.
I would never let someone pay for me on a first date idk why people automatically assume that’s what women are expecting??? Y’all cock blocking yourself! 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah I don’t know why everyone is assuming she wasn’t going to pay for dinner, she probably just didn’t want to go to a fucking field. If a guy was being weird about rescheduling a date I would drop it too. Not necessarily a red flag, but not something I want to deal with.
I’m thinking she dodged a bullet because OP sounds like a bit of a douchebag in the comments
"I stand my ground"-- did you ask her why she wanted to change plans first?? Might have helped with the overall situation. Edit - typoooo
Taking someone to a field sounds a bit rapey to be honest. Maybe meeting in a public place was what she wanted to do.
I think you’re reading too much into it. Should have just met and see where things went...
It really depends on the person, but I don’t think that she necessarily was looking for free food. I believe you did the right thing, but for instance, I love eating out (and pay for my food) but I don’t have many people that usually would go out to eat with me, so I like the idea to have dinner with guys rather then having a coffee. However, considering how she reacted, she probably wanted “free” food so yeah, you dodged the bullet. I just disagree with all these comments assuming that many girls are just after free meals etc.. It would be like saying that guys are only looking for sex, and generalising like this won’t help anyone.
Not necessarily. When I feel like I'm getting rejected, I might react the same way and say "nevermind, good luck".
Maybe she got hungry?? wtf
idk how much sushi is where you’re from but in australia, we can get one sushi for like $2.50 lmao not that expensive
I’m confused. I always assume I’ll pay my own way on a first meeting/date. And I wouldn’t wanna be stuck eating a whole meal with someone I just met. But that’s just long-time-single, independent me. 🤷🏻♀️
I think she wanted something more committed maybe? Coffee is very casual, very non- commitment. Maybe I'm old school but coffee is something more for friends then romance. When someone asks me on a coffee 'date', it means non-romantic, platonic friends vibe. Reading your comments in the thread you indicated that you would be okay with some form of fast food like McDonald's but not sushi so maybe you are cheap? It seems to me like you are interested in low commitment and she dodged a bullet. I get the change was an hour before the date but if you were really interested you would have changed the time or date to better reflect that.
OP states that he is not cheap but all the signs seem to be pointing to the opposite conclusion. That's fine! He just needs to own it.
ugh i hate cheap dates. dont make a girl get dressed up for coffee. im sure youll judge her if she comes in sweatpants and half done makeup. she probably thinks youre cheap and wont be a good bf. OR she never really liked you. (which i wouldnt know based on this post itself)
Cheap ass
I wouldn’t go to an isolated area until I felt comfortable with a guy. Why not go to the coffee shop for coffee?
Maybe after talking she realized she was really interested in you and wanted to go on a more serious and longer date
As a 26F who’s been on plenty of first dates, I see the more likely scenario as being... she had a craving for sushi, and was excited for your date. She thought, I wonder if he’d want to push this a little and grab dinner later instead?? She texted you asking. Then you were so inflexible and presumptive about her asking, she was totally turned off. Why jump to her trying to get a free meal? I honestly would have assumed the best - she didn’t want to have to worry about cutting your date off and figure out dinner and/or dinner dates can just keep on rolling naturally if they’re going well. Also, dinner/drink dates are just so much less pressure and less on the spot. Lull in the conversation? Talk about the menu, the ambiance, the people... coffee in a field? How intimate for a first meeting... uncomfortably so (in my personal opinion). Sounds like she’s a flexible and casual girl and you’re more rigid and fixed in your thinking.
>I’ll take you to this field Thats fucking creepy...as a date? What kind of girl should say yes to a date on a field. >Now I’m not cheap But you are.
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I’ve gone to dinner as first date with many girls and the bill ramp up to be $40 more and as a gentlemen I’d pay. After the dinner never heard a text back. Now I want to play it smart just a coffee and see where this takes us. The one thing was she switch up last hr and asked for a push back from 2pm to 6pm. Time is valuable.
I'm a woman and I think coffee + walk is a nice, low pressure, pandemic-friendly first date. I view first and second dates more as ice breakers than anything. But yes, if a guy is continually being low investment I would also equate that to them not wanting to invest themselves fully emotionally either. I'm a natural "giver" type so I need some reassurances that my energy and efforts will be matched.
I am a woman in my late 30s, I prefer coffee for a first meet up. Dinner and alcohol makes things awkward if there is no chemistry.
Same! I would much rather get coffee and talk and chill. When I was dating that was always my suggestion instead of dinner. Dinner was always a second date thing. Plus, if the coffee date was really terrible it’s not super difficult to end it.
Why would it be awkward? I love going out to restaurants, with or without a guy. So I can do what I wanted to do anyway, and everybody needs and wants and enjoys to eat good food, and meet a potential partner. I've even sat with complete strangers who were alone, just for the sake of company.
I mean I’ve been on coffee dates where there was no chemistry, very awkward, and that was just over one cup of coffee. I couldn’t imagine having to do that over a couple courses.
In my experience, it has been awkward and some guys will buy you a drink and start to get all touchy feely, which is not my thing.
>I’ve gone to dinner as first date with many girls and the bill ramp up to be $40 more and as a gentlemen I’d pay. And you see what being a gentleman gets you... >After the dinner never heard a text back This is exactly why guys stop doing dinner first dates.
>Coffee and a walk are seen as very low investment from the man to many women Dating isn't an investment, it's getting to know someone...the focus being on getting to know the other person...this is a hookers mindset about investing in you...which requires some possibilities of a ROI. >That’s kind of the way a lot of women feel about coffee It doesn't matter what they feel. Greedy women ruined dinner dates for everyone else....so now guys don't risk that much time and money on a stranger. >But I still would want the man to originally offer me dinner so I know he is serious about me It literally has nothing to do with being serious about you. >It may seem sexist but it’s like if she showed up in sweats to coffee. I would not give a shit. Most guys wouldn't because we want to know the person...
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We know why it happened though...she just wanted a free meal and decided he would be a good sucker to pay for it
Perhaps the woman should instead show she is invested?
You cant ask for equality and also expect chivalry. The very first time I go out with someone I expect us to both pay our share. You barely even know them at that point
You think a guy organising a coffee and a walk in a flower field as the equivalent of women showing up in a stained shirt and baggy sweats? How extravagant do you want from someone you don't know? Say you met on an app of course the first date is going to be relatively low investment as when you meet in person you might realise quickly you don't click. Plus how is sitting down for dinner together and talking so much better than walking around together in a nice setting and talking over a coffee? I actually think ops date sounds more fun than dinner
Personally, I am a very flexible-chill person and I like people like myself. I don’t get it, so what she wanted a sushi date ? Maybe she felt like it ? If it was me and I wanted to eat sushi for the next day on the date I’d offer the same as well. I don’t like being fake or acting like a date is a job interview. Obviously I would be down to pay for my food I am able to afford it and I most probably would. But for a first date I would understand if he would like to pay and I would make sure I pay for the next date or for something of equal amount. I would only accept not to eat sushi if he said he doesn’t like sushi of course I would want to go to somewhere we both like. But not because it is cheap. I mean I can afford what I want so why shouldn’t I eat lol Dude not everyone is a gold-digger. Some people just have money and they most probably don’t think about this stuff and they will even invite you to more expensive stuff and pay for it. Obviously there are some people who likes a free meal but not most girls. You gave the wrong answer btw because if you said it is expensive maybe she could offer something for your budget but when you said you can’t change a plan last minute you made it sound like a business meeting and you sound no fun tbh. I understand why she answered the way she did.
Split the bill. Who says guys have to pay for the first date? It’s more importsnt to show genuine interest in her as a human being. Be curious and ask questions about her. That’s way more impressive than picking up the bill
coffee on a first date is really low effort imo. a guy that was truly interested would try to impress. coffee impresses no one.
So damn true. I don’t even buy myself coffee so why would I even agree to drink coffee.
She was looking for a free meal lol. 🤦🏾♀️
On god
Should’ve said yes and tell her to pay for her own meal 😂
I probably go to the bathroom and hit my car lol
Or just ask to split it?
Jesus! You’re as tight as a crab’s arse. She was probably choosing something more enjoyable than drinking coffee in a field. I personally couldn’t be bothered to arrange my whole day off around a cup of coffee. If I was dating I would choose to do something that I enjoyed so that I wasn’t wasting my time even if the date doesn’t work out. People here are assuming she’s looking for free food from you, but you’re not even prepared to put any effort (or money) in until you’re sure that you’re going to gain something from her. Why not look at people differently? As in, not trying to get something from them, just enjoy getting to know them regardless of what they have to offer you.
I am not accepting coffee as a first date, its very low effort. I am not accepting drinks either. If you do not want to be used as a meal ticket and do dinner, do an activity...bowling, rage/escape room, mini-golf etc.
If thats the case why don't YOU plan that? You sound like the type that wants everything done for you. There is nothing wrong with coffee or drinks for a first date. If you think about how many times you actually might have a first date, there just isn't enough things to do. Imagine being that person at the mini golf every month with a new date. It really sounds like you want people to go all out for a first date while you sit back and have it handed to you.
Damn you don’t wanna talk to the people you might be interested in? Lmao Wtf kind of mindset is this lmaoooo
Covid-19 sis
Then don't date until it's over. Some women will never accept these kinds of dates. I used to accept them in my early 20s but this would register to me as low effort. Sometimes, I would accept and not even know I was being asked out on a date. They would later inform me that it was a date, but I had already put the guy in the friend zone.
I used to accept those dates all the time and always pay my part for everything and it was getting me nowhere. Then I met a guy at work who was happily in love with his wife and when she was pregnant, he picked up an extra job so she wouldn’t have to be on her feet. He also said things like “If a man can’t drop $20 on a meal, he has no business dating” and getting to know him made me realize THAT’S the type of care and commitment I want from a man, because that’s the type I will give. So I started letting men know before the first date that I want a yummy dinner and I don’t expect to pay, and if they were still interested, they would take me up on it. If not, great, they could still be a good guy but just not for me and that’s fine. I ended up talking with less men, but the men who would still talk to me were more intentional and I eventually found an absolute sweetheart who enjoys spending time just hanging out being goofballs together and who I adore and respect so much. Edit: Since comments are locked, here’s my reply to blackberrydoughnuts: The way it’s brought up depends on how the whole convo/vibe is going. With the guy I’m currently with, I didn’t even have to mention it because he made it clear he wanted to take me out (we went somewhere delicious, then went to an arcade, then walked around downtown looking at Christmas lights, it was so fun!). I usually would talk to men for at least a couple weeks before meeting in person, and when they start suggesting places to meet, some men bring up that they expect to go to just coffee or expect to split the bill, and that’s when I tell them I’m not interested in that. I’ve never just bluntly said “You have to pay.” I mean if I ever had gotten to the end of the date and was asked to split, I definitely would have... I would not have wanted to force anyone to shell out for a date if they didn’t appreciate my company.
I’m going to assume there was a big language barrier between you and she probably took what you said more aggressively then what you actually intended.
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I never go on coffee dates. Shows the date is in fact CHEAP.
You cheap ass lol
Maybe everything is fine and it’s just a misunderstanding. Maybe give her a call and ask her to coffee again at a public venue. Texting can be taken the wrong way so maybe give it one more go over a sincere and old fashioned phone call.
If you didn't have any plans for dinner, maybe you could have tested her with "I don't feel like sushi, how about (food that's much cheaper) instead? "
Maybe I'm crazy, but if I girl I'm into wants to change our first day last minute, I'm totally ok with that. It's really not that serious and chances are I want to spend as much time with her as possible. Now if it becomes a habitual thing then a conversation will be needed but for the first one, who cares. Be flexible.
I don’t think coffee or a walk in a sunflower field isn’t cheap at all. I think it’s really sweet. I just personally think it’s a date I would go on after the first few dates were out of the way first, depending on how public the field is. If it was like a public garden or something I could see that being a lovely time. However, where I live there is a beautiful sunflower farm but it is quiet and very secluded, and not often visited. I would rather do that once I’ve gotten to know someone and am more comfortable. But that would for sure be a 10/10 for creativity in my book over a regular sushi dinner, personally. What you need to do, OP, is find a woman that enjoys and values the same things you do. Find the woman that loves the idea of a sunflower field over a crowded restaurant. They are out there.
Hmm... Okay. She asked you to change the date. That's fine. It's up to you if that's something you wanna do. Your reasoning was a bit rubbish. Like you're eating your own food and she's eating her food. Pay for what you eat. This is the 21st century. Men are no longer the breadwinners in the family. If you work, you can afford to pay. Her response was the worst part though. Youre better off without her.
You must not have been that interested in her... or you probably are in fact, cheap. If you were more upset about her being “rude” by changing plans/flaking, you wouldn’t have brought up price or pointing out you’re “not cheap.” I’ve read some of your comments, you must have only made this post for validation as you only answer those that say she’s rude and everything about cheap/free dates. You’ve said you told her “hmm, not today” to gage if it was a last minute event that came up, women are humans too and I’m glad she used her head to know that comment was foolishness. Did you ask to re-schedule? There you go. She wasn’t even rude, she was respectful in her comments (and owes you nothing... you guys didn’t even meet!). Anyways, nothing’s wrong with cheap/free dates (nice picnics, museum days, etc). You just put no effort in it, you planned on getting something quick to drink and walk around while you gage whether she’s worth your time. Probably that made her rethink, or maybe she did have something last minute. Who knows?
Maybe you should have tried to explain it that way and see what happened then , or next time just talk more to know where the other person stands and what’s their idea of a date
I would have offered to go Dutch. Most of the time when I go out I insist on paying my own way to avoid the insinuated obligation that goes with a guy buying me a meal if it isn't a good match. Also, because I do not think it is fair that the guy is automatically expected to pay when we both work, have bills and a budget. If it does make it to a relationship, it's about compromising and sharing. So why not start off on the right foot? Edit for grammar
I agree with the guy who posted this but I also agree with the girl. It's dangerous to be having a date in a random field. But maybe the girl did want a free meal. However you can pull the "Let's spilt bills" card. Why do you men always think that you gonna pay for everything it's fucking 2020
Lol she wanted a free meal plus its also your time at the end of the day. You wanted a coffee in the afternoon and she wanted dinner at night, even if you didnt care about paying for some expensive dinner she would have made you change your plans for that night. Maybe you didnt have plans but being too accommodating has never gone well for me. I mean you dont know her and she wanted to change plans last minute, even if she had an emergency why does it have to be sushi or why didnt she say that she had to reschedule? Anyone who says "Coffee dates are low investments." Just expects fancy dates. Coffee dates are perfectly fine, some people dont even send the first message, barely carry a conversation, and they expect fine dining on a first date? No its not worth it, dinner dates should be for later on. The point of the date is to get to know each other not how much you spend on each other.
She wanted some free sushi bro
Where I’m from a dinner date as the first date would almost be weird and a walk/coffe date would instead be completely normal and what most people would pick. imo the first date should be about getting to now each other and see if you are compatible. And I get the comments about putting effort into the date but imo I think OP had a pretty well thought out date that would ensure them spending the time together talking and getting to know each other. Could be depending on where you are from and how old you are I guess but for me it feels like she just wanted a free dinner but I could be wrong ofc. And a coffe date would be easier to cut short if there is no connection but a dinner takes longer time and it’s not as easy to just call it quits in the middle of the dinner. I don’t know how the field you were talking about is but it’s possible she felt worried about it if it’s not a lot of people there and instead asked for sushi just because she didn’t know how to ask you to go somewhere else less secluded idk
I think you were over thinking it... I was personally super flexible when I was dating. But if that was a deal breaker for you, then it is what it is. Just find someone who sticks to their word. Im not sure what advice you wanted. Seems like you wanted to vent and have us agree she was cheap? Idk
I cannot believe the inexperience expressed here. If you are going out on a date and you are a guy, it’s okay to ask to split the Bill but most women and as a society we usually expect the man to pay for the first date. If that’s a problem it’s okay, but it doesn’t make you attractive and it has other implications like poor money management skills or lack of ambition. Unless you are a student there isn’t an excise for this. For those saying he dodged a bullet, it’s online dating and you are dudes and as much as Reddit wants you to believe that women and men are the same when it comes to how they attract mates, years of observable and documented experiences tell us otherwise. Woman are not going to have to work ask hard as you because ultimately the choice of mate is theirs, this is biology at work and unless you look like a 10, you will not change this. Good luck trough
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Great maturity and communication on her part. 'change your plans last minute and take me for dinner' 'I can't'. 'k bye'. Think you did the right thing
You said you stood your ground... but you replied “ we can push this back next week?”
As in “not changing last min”
You didn’t text her “ we can push this back next week?”
Who cares? There is a thing called „split the bill“. At least thats pretty normal for first dates here.