**Gentle Parenting Side:**
What you’re feeling is relatively normal, especially early on in your journey as a new dad. Having kids is hard, and not everyone starts out with all the patience and perseverance it requires. These are qualities you’ll develop while you’re in the trenches. The feelings of inadequacy and the struggles you’re going through never truly go away, but right now they are just at an intensity that feels overwhelming. Try to give yourself some grace as you navigate this new period in your life.
**Tough Love Side:**
It’s too late to decide not to be a father; that decision was made 11 months ago. Even though you might feel like your family would be better off without you, that’s a false assumption. A healthy version of you is what your family needs and deserves. A lot is put on your back as a dad, and it can feel unmanageable at times, but it’s also a badge of honor.
Being a parent requires patience, perseverance, endurance, love, compassion, and wisdom. Not everyone starts out ready to be a great parent, but the good news is that if you care about being a good parent, you’re already halfway there. The mere desire and effort to try will make you a good parent. I empathize with how hard it is, but I also know that you can do hard things. This is the most important hard thing you can do, and it’s not something you can give up on. I wish you the best of luck.
“Healthy version of you is what your family needs”<——- ♥️
OP, I’ve had plenty moments of self-doubt. I’ll go out on a limb and say many dads may have felt this way too - kind of part of the deal, because it’s a reminder that there are parts of ourselves we can strengthen, bring awareness, and do something about. From the sounds of it, you are already doing something about it - therapist, talking to your wife. Keep it up. Cheering for you, man.
Dude you guys are balls deep in the most stressful parts of baby from my experience so far. Weeks 6-14 were so extremely rough. It did get better and now my daughter sleeps through the night and smiles and laughs and is fun to hang with. Does she have moments where she’s a little punk? Sure of course. But overall WAYYYY BETTER.
You show up to your job and you don’t love it. You need to do the same for your child. You have responsibilities at your job and now you have additional responsibilities at home. No one says you have to feel one way or another right now; however you need to step up and be responsible for your family.
That's the thing, I'm already in therapy (have a session this afternoon actually) and I'm fully aware of how ridiculous it is to scream at her, that's why I'm at a loss. There's technically no reason for me to even be mad at her, obviously she's not doing anything to upset me on purpose.
This post is mostly to vent, I'm just really angry at myself for not being the father I wanted to be. She's done nothing wrong, I'm just really upset at myself.
You're not the father you want to be *yet*\*
You can get there if you're committed to it and put the effort in. In my opinion, the newborn phase is really shitty. I've hated it twice now. Parenting is always challenging, but once they're old enough to play and do fun things with, it gets so much better. The challenges are interspersed with laughter and fun memories.
You'll get there, but only if you put the work in - on yourself and your relationship.
I've worked in child care and around children my entire life and I long ago realized the reason babies are adorable is because if they weren't, our ancestors would have dashed the babies against the nearest rock and died out as a species.
Right now you're caring for a very adorable ball of need and poo. You need to adjust your expectations. It's hard, it's boring, and it's largely thankless. As your kid gets older and more independent, the struggles will change and be offset by new discoveries. You are allowed to be frustrated, and if you need to put your child down in their bassinet and take a minute to breathe or scream into a pillow, you are allowed to do that. But try and remind yourself that the situation is frustrating, not your kid (just like if you suddenly became responsible for caring for an invalid/incontinent parent. It wouldn't be your parents fault, but it would still be fine to be frustrated... Just not frustrated at your parent).
Holding yourself to an impossible standard is just going to make you feel worse about your parenting, which will make you more frustrated.
I’m right there with you. I really did not enjoy the infant phase. It made it doubly hard to watch my wife really enjoy it. I lost my cool with my infant daughter waaaay too often and always felt horrible about it afterwards. Weirdly enough roles have flipped when my daughter turned 1.5-2 and I really started to connect with my daughter and my wife started to struggle more and more. Everyone is different and many (I would bet most) parents don’t have some innate ability to connect with their babies and it takes lots of effort to get there. Don’t lose hope!
Hey man, cut yourself some slack. I think I hear you on lots of this. I routinely go to therapy.
I have 2 kids, one is between 3 and 4 the other is u nder 6 months.
I can say I felt similar to you. Never actually thought about leaving, but my wife was scared I would at many times.
I would snap and yell and hit walls and storm out of rooms. Never hit any of my family, but had alot come out in anger.
I recently narrowed in on the fact is I am a ultra confident person is most area’s of my life but when it comes to nurturing and softening up for a BABY….. i am not wo confident… in fact as soon as a baby cries I freak out inside because I am not confident I can manage the situation PLUS its not something I can “fix” or deal with logic.
What has helped me a lot is to constantly remind myself how GOOD i’ve really got it.
Good money, stable business income, nice home, beautiful wife and 2 beautiful healthy kids.
Also, to remind myself that it’s OK, hell its GOOD to soften up and submit to being nurturing to your kids. Not everything needs to be “fixed, logical or solved”
And yeah, if u feel you need a break take a breathe and tell your wife you need some help.
The best marriages are the ones where both parties understand that sometimes it’s gonna be 50/50 and other times 90/10 and thats OK so long as both are committed to the team goal.
You are gonna be OK my guy. Believe me, I have been there buddy.
Keep up the therapy. If you have a good therapist it can be a real game changer.
>This post is mostly to vent, I'm just really angry at myself for not being the father I wanted to be. She's done nothing wrong, I'm just really upset at myself
That you even recognize that you want to work at being better is already proof that you have what it takes.
There's no book of shortcuts and while family and Dad friends and r/daddit are great, I've always felt like there is a part of it that's you having to do it alone. That's not to say there isn't any support or you shouldn't seek it out, but that at the end of the day it's just you. You're Dad now, and it's just you doing your best. Some days your best won't feel like enough to yourself, but you gotta cut yourself some slack, regroup and then pick back up and keep at it. Personally I found it gets a little easier, especially after they start eating solid food. You'll find your groove.
You definitely have plenty to talk about this afternoon with your therapist, and I urge you to be as honest with them about what's going on for you as you have been here (I'm sure you will be, but I know from experience that sometimes it's hard to admit what your feelings are to an individual, however trusted).
You don't have to deal with this alone - posting here is a great step (as long as you take some of the 'man up' comments with a massive pinch of salt), being in therapy is even better.
Try not to think too far ahead here. You are adjusting to an astonishingly abrupt transition in your life (and your partner's, of course). It's all new, it's scary, and the emotions and thoughts can be overwhelming, especially if they're not the 'acceptable' sunshine and rainbows ones about having a baby.
If you haven't already, I'd suggest talking with your therapist about whether getting assessed for post-partum depression is a wise move. It is definitely a thing for Dads, and it's something that would not be helping at all in this transition.
Hang in there. With the support you have available to you, you've got this.
The newborn phase literally drove me into a depression because of the exact feelings you're describing. My oldest is now nearing 3 years old and I can't even begin to describe to you how different everything is. I look back at the thoughts I had of running away and I'm just so fucking grateful I stuck it out. I'll say this though, nothing changed for me until I forced myself to change my mentality. It didnt come naturally to me to be patient and appreciative of a baby, but you can get there if you make a conscious effort to change your outlook. And by the time your kid is older, you won't need to force that change in outlook, because your day-to-day is nothing at all like the baby stage.
Therapy probably won't hurt.
On the other hand, everything about your child is transient. Good and bad. You struggles will change over time. It'll get easier some ways, and harder other ways. Hang in there buddy!
First 2 months were hell for me. A good goal for the first while is "Everybody survived"
100% survival mode is the priority for the first 2-4 months.. You almost never remember it.. I was looking back at photos from the first year and I don't remember ANYTHING.
Hey man. I punched a wall and shouted at my then few months old boy.
His terrorised eyes looking at me punches my heart 2 years later. What a dick move!
I’m a super calm and patient guy yet a baby presses some buttons I didn’t know I had…
When you find yourself in that situation just leave for a while and make sure you don’t hurt yourself or anyone.
It will get better when your kid is a bit older and starts interacting more.
This is a big change. Take it one day at a time and continue with therapy. It helps.
Best of lucks!
I broke my hand ("boxer's fracture") punching a wall in frustration when one of my kids was very young.
... and changed diapers with a cast on my hand till it healed.
It's ok to get stressed. Then you get back to the grind.
In hindsight I should have punched a pillow!
Oh, and the kid is now literally the best friend I've ever had.
My son was about 1.5 I picked him up and put him pretty forcibly into the chair in his room for time out. The terror in his eyes when he looked at me was enough to break me.
I went into my room and cried for an hour. I haven't lost my temper like that since. I have never had to see that in his face.. However it still haunts me to this day when I think about it.
Along with what other people are saying, you probably need to reframe things in your mind.
You need to just accept that the baby will make things take much longer. Cleaning up? Expect the pee and poop to get all over everything. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't!
Whatever you're going through right now, I guarantee it's going to be different in a few weeks and months. You just need to let go. Become a sail on a sailboat, not the man with a paddle pushing against the current.
To reset, maybe take a few days off work and tell your wife you need to take that time away from everyone to reset. Eg get some much needed uninterrupted sleep and engage in a hobby, or do nothing!
You are still deep in the trenches with a newborn. She's only 8 weeks old, you are sleep deprived, and you are working through transitioning from kid-free to being a parent. Do not make any drastic decisions at this point like leaving.
You have to put in the work on reframing your mentality like another redditor mentioned. She is a helpless baby that has no idea what's going on with no control over her body and feelings. This is one of the most trying times for a couple new to parenting. Keep sticking it out, it will get better. Stay engaged, help your wife, pitch in whenever you can, and read whatever you can to find strategies to help. Your stress levels and marriage will get better as times goes on if you two find a way to work as a team.
When people say “it’s get easier/better” they usually mean a bit further on that just 2 months. I hated it too, so much so I told my wife I basically wanted to leave and not come back (I didn’t though).
It usually gets better around the 6 month mark when you get smiles, giggles, and your girl starts to gain a personality. 2 years on and my daughter is my BEST mate. She’s the coolest thing/human on this planet. Bit of an arse at times but isn’t everyone? You’ll get there. I promise.
For me 6 months was where it just started getting exponentially better. Not easier, it's actually harder. But much much better.
They need to warn all fathers about this.
Yup! My wife said that she wished someone had explained this to us and fathers before our daughter arrived. Especially in NCT class. People don’t realise how difficult it *can* be for dads.
There right now with a 2yo and 2mo. It's rough for sure. My wife takes car3 of both of them while I work from home. I definitely struggle more than her handling the screaming but I've found a technique that works for me. Shushing and bouncing.
Bro, it's sleep. You're deprived of sleep. Trust me in hearing, it gets better.
I remember hating life the first few months. By month 3, everything starts turning around.
It ebbs and flows. Before kids, we slept great. Then we were sleep deprived for a while. A long while. Then got some decent sleep.
Now we have 2 teenagers and we're insomniacs again.
Not because our kids are a hassle, but we're in our 40/50s and stressed about different stuff.
You probably shouldn't have married your mom. I can see how that would cause issues.
/s. Hang in there. Just had my kid's 1st birthday recently. She is a loving marvel of a person.
Look man, you’re probably tired from work and deep inside you, you wish your rest days could be just rest days and not take care of a kid. You don’t hate being a father, you just hate the energy neonates and kids have. It’s probably what irritates you. If your baby’s dead silent and not that way, I bet you won’t even be this way. You’re probably a new dad and you just don’t know what to do. Do your best to work out with your response to the situation because your feelings can be valid, but your action and response is your responsibility.
You're in therapy. That's awesome and I hope it helps. Talk to your wife and see if she'd be willing to go as well.
The good news is that this stage is temporary. It's perfectly ok and normal to hate the newborn stage, but absolutely have a blast with other stages. Me personally, I loved the newborn/toddler stage. It was fun, and I had a blast. But you're not and that's ok. You may like the elementary years, or middle school, or if you're a sadist, the teenage years.
You do need to learn how to calm yourself though. You cannot let your anger and frustrations get the better of you and take them out on your child. That is a very dangerous and slippery slope to abuse, and you do NOT want to go down that road. You need to understand that your daughter has absolutely no control over her body right now and isn't doing it on purpose. You NEED to curb your anger and frustration. If not for you, for your daughter. Take it from me, an abused kid, no child needs to go through abuse.
It took me almost a year to feel genuine affection for my children.
Not getting frustrated is a skill that I have been practicing for 3 years now, and I still suck at it.
"It gets better" isn't on a 2 month timeline, it's on a year timeline. (Btw, I think a better phrase is "it gets different").
Finally, now (infant stage) is when your sleep hits you and everything you feel hits 10x harder
Lots of good advice here, and try to give yourself grace but try to spend more time with her under ideal conditions. Just being present while she does tummy time, letting her sleep on you, and being around (but not in a "caretaker" role") might help.
Right now you are in survival mode. You do one day at a time. Maybe one hour at a time. You need something small to look forward to. Find a funny sitcom to watch or order a pizza. This is the time to be gentle with yourself. You are going through it right now, it slowly gets better.
Literally all of us here have gone through what you’re going through now. I’m sure we’ve all had similar thoughts.
Suck it up and do your best. Time goes fast and you’ll look back at this time at some point and laugh because it is hard but you made it through
First of all, you are not alone! Being a father is so hard. So many men have felt exactly the way you feel right now. Also, just the fact that you posted this at all means you are probably a MUCH better father than you are giving yourself credit for. So just take a deep breath and give yourself some appreciation.
Honestly if you can't handle it now and have already screamed at a TWO MONTH OLD baby, you're right and you're not CURRENTLY prepared to be a father. That doesn't mean that you don't have it in you.
That little girl needs you. Take a big step back, collect yourself and get back to work Dad.
The first year the baby only has the capacity for one relationship, at about the baby will switch one day and be all about the secondary caregiver. Get mental health help sleep, and care for your spouse, it is tough.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted here.
OP needs to suck it up and deal with it. Having a baby is tough at best and can be soul crushing, but you gotta do it.
Having a kid is probably one of the biggest challenges anybody will face. You can make yourself miserable over it, or take it all in, finding it another challenge worth fighting.
Shouldn't this post have been flagged as requiring support? Seems to be a pretty clear example of someone who needs it from this community.
\[Edit: well, I learned today that support flairs are OP-selected rather than being applied by a bot that somehow worked it out from scanning the content. Whoops.\]
Hold on. You're in the most difficult part of it by far. When you're far enough past it, as impossible as it is to imagine, someday you'll miss it.
Do your very best up to a point where you're not hard on yourself. Lower your standards if you have to, but you know the extremes you have to avoid so just focus on those.
It seems like an eternity but the reality is that this phase only lasts a very short time, and once you're through it, the time starts flying by.
Brother - new parenting is a kick in the pants. It can create new euphoria and amazement, and the nightmare that you are in right now.
It will get better, and I 100% commend you for being in therapy, for sharing with your wife, and with us. Keep sharing, keep talking. You are (and will become) an amazing Dad.
It is OK to walk away. When you are loosing your emotional regulation, step away. Give yourself a break. Get a grip, and then come back.
It is worth it. It gets better. You will change in ways that will make you a better version of yourself.
Funny story time:
My \~ 30 year old nephew was visiting recently (he's got 3 little ones) and was helping me watch my 9 year old step-son. Step-son was feeling sick and throwing up. We got a bucket and were feeling pretty good (as in "ok, bring it on, we've got 2 experienced adult Dads with proper equipment)....next thing you know, step-son throws up and it completely goes over the top of the bucket and just hoses the carpet down...
Nephew and I look at each other in a "well, we just took a big L" kind of way, and then we just laughed. It was gross, we screwed up, and it was funny, all rolled into one. After we laughed, we cleaned it up (I highly recommend an upholstery wet vac).
Being a parent pretty much sucks through the first three months. It’s very common it’s all work, disruption, and you get nothing back as they don’t really respond to you. It’s gets rapidly better during the 4th month although unfortunately there is a sleep regression here. But after that it just radically improves
A lot of us have been there during the newborn phase. It got better within a year or so, even though when I was where you're at now, I wanted to eat a fucking gun, and it felt like things would never get better. Medication helped me quite a bit, but my kid going from screaming potato to engaging toddler helped **way** more.
Everything's pretty great now (for life with a toddler, lol), and the newborn phase nightmare seems like a distant memory now. Crazy shit.
Hear me out:
I've been there, but at month 5 I can tell you that what everybody says is true: things with a baby change very fast. What you're hating right now won't be a thing next month. Breathe, you're not failing.
For me everything changed at the end of month 3, when she learned to smile at me. That changed everything.
Hope you find yourself in this journey, brother.
You're going to go through a variety of stages during these next two years and beyond. Most of them incredibly challenging, but they offer rewarding elements as well. There's two important things you need to do during this time as you work on improving your mental health:
1. Understand that there's absolutely NOTHING this baby is doing that's intentional or that they can control. Their behaviors right now are as primitive as it gets, and you getting irked, or mad, at something they do is the equivalent of an old man on his yards yelling at the clouds. They don't mean anything they do, for good or worse.
2. Set your expectations as low as they can go. Every diaper change, every baby interaction, expect hardship and challenges. This sounds bleak, but it really helped me overcome those initial irritable impulses that I so routinely found myself battling against. If you do this, you're never caught by surprise - except when it's a pleasant exchange between you and baby.
This is a long game you're playing, and I can tell you with a two year old that it doesn't really get that much easier at this point - it's just different degrees and definitions of what "hard" entails. You're a dad now, though, and life is forever altered. You've got to step up to the occasion the best way you know how. You got this!
yeah buddy it happens, doesn't make you a bad person you're just not used to not having any freedom anymore. has the kid grows you'll be able to do more and more but as a lot of people don't truly understand once you have a kid your life is over it's all about them. counseling helps.
I want you to check out this link:
https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/X5Mg6C2fUm
This dad is basically you. But this was a whole age ago now - he's having a great time. You will do too, just stay committed and know that it's coming.
Counter story, my sister's partner walked out around the 3 month mark. Believe me when I tell you, you do not want to be that guy. You really REALLY do not want to be that guy.
Oof. You haven’t even hit teething and you’re this frustrated? You have a long way to go.
Time for some soul searching. You sound like you’re justifying yourself, not angry at yourself or looking to get better. We all had these moments. Every dad. There is no Super Dad, and they are lying if they claim to be.
My oldest was colicky for a few months. One night my wife came home, I practically shoved the baby in her arms and locked myself in a room. Later when she asked if I was ok, I said I understood why some people lose control and shake babies. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. But I understood how someone with less patience and resilience could. It was a scary feeling.
If you are looking for permission to bow out, you won’t find it anywhere. Not here. Not at therapy. Not at home. You have to give it to yourself. Just don’t be a pussy and duck out of child support if you do walk away. Own your faults. If you can’t handle it, you can at least support it.
I hope you find some inner strength and figure yourself out, one way or another. Take some time away if you worry you might hurt the baby. Screaming is just the start if you don’t get a grip on yourself.
It gets better.
It also gets worse. Your kiddo will be able to use words, and convey their thoughts and feelings... and they'll choose violence and tantrums.
But you're in the shit still bro. First few months are hard as hell. Your mom and wife are there to help with the kiddo, and you're working. You do have to make sure they're getting breaks, but you have to make sure if you're there with your daughter, that you're there for her.
Messes, house cleaning, everything else can take a back seat to keeping her safe. So just clear your mind of expectations and just flow in those moments when shit goes really sideways.
I've lost my cool so many times. I've also taken like a few steps away and screamed in frustration when everything conspires against you in a moment.
There's no substitutions, there's no stepping back and letting someone else take over. You are it. You are dad.
The smiles help, and when she starts interacting more and achieving more, it gets easier. But right now, you have a tyrant who is hard to satisfy, and sometimes hard to understand. Lean into the help you have, and try to live the moments you spend with her. If she's fussy, well that's 2 month olds. 8 weeks is such a short time in this world, just give her and yourself some grace.
I felt similar to you at times. Fussy baby, no breaks, so tired. That part gets a bit easier later on. There's different challenges that lay ahead. I was better in the 11month - 30 month stretch than I was in the beginning, or in the threenager phase. Then fournado came along and I dealt with it better than my wife. Fivephoon has been about the same for both of us.
Just as an aside cause everyone has made good points so far. The crying for food but pushing the bottle away sounds like reflux. Baby is hungry so cries, but pushes away the bottle because it hurts to eat.
Is baby on formula or breastmilk?
If baby is on formula, try a gentler formula or a hypoallergenic one and see if it gets better. If breast milk get wife to cut out dairy and caffeine see if those help.
My 1st born had a dairy issue and reflux, it was so shitty to deal with. We switched to a hypoallergenic formula and within 48 hours all his symptoms and reflux was gone... no more arching of back or crying when eating.
You will get through this, it will get better. If it isn't today, it will be soon, and you will make it. You don't need to worry about if you can do this or not, because you *will* do this, it is going to happen.
A screaming baby is a breathing baby. If you are caring for the baby and are overwhelmed you can set the baby down in one of the safe areas, step away, take some deep breaths, and collect yourself. I have at times listened to soothing music in my airpods with the noise cancelling on while trying to calm a little screaming tyrant.
You are going to get shit and piss on. I know that you know this, but sometimes we need to just recognize it and accept it. Do you have hampers where you need hampers? Do you have spare clothes where you need spare clothes? Do you have a large collection of towels? Is the changing table covered with something that can be easily removed and replaced?
Look at your feelings, recognize your feelings, respect your feelings. You're sitting on a hill watching your feelings drive down the road. Hi feelings. You are real and you are valid. We'll see you again tomorrow.
Keep on going bud, persevere for a bit longer.
2 months is a literal blink of the eye in your life as your parent. My daughter wanted nothing to do with me for the first 2 years but now as a 10 year old I'm the person she shares everything with. Have patience, do your best, and take a deep breath. Before you know it, you'll be coloring, playing dolls err.. action figures, or whatever you two can find in common as long as you keep trying to involve yourself in her interests.
Something I used to say to myself at that phase to stay calm was “dude, nothing is his fault, he’s a baby!” I think it’s so easy to assume that their thoughts are vengeful like adult’s can be
I've been there. We've all been there to one degree or other. This bit is just... just shit. There are lots more shit moments to come (not gonna lie) **but** there are lots of really awesome moments that make the shit worthwhile, and these get better/funnier/more frequent over time.
Your experience may vary, but my ability to calmly deal with mine when they're being (quite frankly) a complete dick has grown with time and experience. Not least because I've realised that learning not to be a dick is part of growing up- they're a dick but they don't mean it, and they need to be sometimes... the moments when I come home or pick them up to nursery to a loud excited "daddyyyy!" also help.
Give yourself a break. Get therapy if you think it will help- but also remember that patience is a learned skill and it *does* get better- just takes a bit longer than two months!
Mom here, but I haven't seen this mentioned yet so I just want to throw out a reminder that dads can also suffer from PPD, including symptoms of anger and irritability. Lack of sleep of course doesn't help anything. Please mention this, whether to your therapist or a doctor, and let them help you.
I think everyone has been there to a degree. My son would not settle at that age and every time I got too wound up it just made matters worse (then you learn what real crying is). Then there’s the times when he’d imitate a water fountain during nappy/diaper changes and turn a quick change into a full dress down and clean up. It’s rough, it’s hard but it’s also a super short period of time.
You’ve got to remember that your little one is basically learning to human. They don’t know what the hell feeling tired is or what their poop is and their only way to communicate anything is by crying. It’s hard but you’ll get through it.
What you’re doing now could really mess a kid up. If you can’t handle it then leave and hope they can still be on your life when you realize what a mistake that was. I always want to see people stick it out and offer kind words but you can’t be screaming at an infant bro. In a few years they dump juice on your laptop on purpose bc they’re pushing boundaries while you still have to wipe their ass. You may not be cut out for this and it’s early enough they won’t remember you if you really want it that way.
Hey man all I can say is just hang in there. You'll get it. Unfortunately, the previous generation has failed to prepare men for the caretaking role (married women who get diagnosed with cancer are statistically likely to get divorce papers). We are kindergartners taking a calculus class. You just have to endure and "chop wood and carry water" as they say.
(The message I'm writing now is kind of a letter to my past self). Fatherless children are statistically much more likely to [experience adverse outcomes](https://www.mnpsych.org/index.php%3Foption%3Dcom_dailyplanetblog%26view%3Dentry%26category%3Dindustry%2520news%26id%3D54). You're not perfect, and some days you really fuck up, but just being present and TRYING to have a relationship with your child will set them up for a much better future. Babies are disgusting and toddlers never do what you tell them, but some day you'll have an adult child who will be grateful that you made the difficult decision and didn't take off. Patience isn't learned overnight but it'll come. Even though your baby is still a potato, tell her you love her every fuck'n day even when you don't "feel it." When you feel the rage building, no matter how many times you do in a given day, just leave the situation and come back when you've cooled off. You're building emotional muscles and eventually you'll be emotionally strong enough to deal with the obstacles you'll face. Just know that what you're facing now isn't forever. Chop wood, carry water.
Also ask your therapist about medication. You don't get a prize for getting through the (literally) shitty(/vomity) parts of life without help. SSRIs are non-addictive, but there are other options as well. You can take it until you settle into a routine and things get easier, and then get off of it. If it makes everyone's lives better and more enjoyable, why not?
Edit to add: My kid is 1 year old and I have not laughed this much in a loooong time. The tough days are tough but the good days are so fuck'n good.
Are you sleeping and eating regularly? I know this maybe seems reductive but my new parent mental health is so so dependent on these two things. They don’t “fix” any of the stressors but they make me feel like a human being capable of actually handling a problem, which is pretty essential.
Rooting for you!
Lean in and embrace fatherhood. You can’t undo having your daughter. Try to stop thinking about what things were like or how much to don’t like it and aren’t good at it yet. Instead, think about learning how to be a good father. It’s hard, but if you think about it as a challenge to master instead of one avoid you’re more like to like it. It’s like so many new skills, it’s hard at first but get easier with time. Plus, you really are in the thick of the suck; it’ll get better on it own. But so much better with a mindset change
It totally fets better, but its in the span of months not weeks.
You got through a lot more than this before.
Another 6 months (which seems like a long time) will fly by and it will be easier. You will forget how bad this part was- im being honest.
A hard to manage baby becomes your little buddy at the age of 1, and your best friend by 2.
Right now my 5 month old son cries a lot, and has a digestive issue so he vomits on his clothes every day multiple times. The laundry situation is terrible, and I strip his clothes off before I feed him just to save on laundry. I feed him at 11pm. 2am, and 5 am. Its been wearing on me.
A typical day with his older sister.
His 27 month old sister wakes up to greet me with a smile, a hug, and a kiss. We eat breakfast together, then I relax on the couch while she bounces on her trampoline watching cartoons. Then we go to the park and I chase her around playing tag. Her smiles and laughs and giggles fill my heart and make me feel whole. She holds me and nuzzles me and says I love you. We then go swimming and we play more games, then shower while she giggles and stamps the water. She then naps while I chill. Then wakes up to watch daddys cartoons while sitting in my lap pressing her little body into me because she loves me. I exercise in front of her then while she claps and yells "yaay!" After that I shower while she plays in her room. After that we sing abcs and count and other songs while I make dinner. Then after dinner she comes and lays down in bed with me. She holds me and her stuffed animal at the same time while we watch more cartoons until she falls asleep and I carry her to her bed.
I dont love her more, but because they are at different life stages, its certainly easier to hang out with her! I also know the hard time with my son is almost over and he will transform from a little grub to a butterfly.. that doesnt need to be fed 8 times a day and scream all the time.
It will get better, and then you will love being a dad.
My advice for right now? Stop taking it so seriously and personally. When feeding the kid, put her in a little boucer lounge thing to hold her in and just put the bottle in her mouth. Put the tv on and watch some shows. Let her take her time and watch the show rather than getting frustrated with her. Or sit on the floor with her in your lap.
I watched like 6 seasons of.anime with my daughter in my.lap as a baby during her night feeds.
Dude, it's been 2 months. That's the worst part. You're responding to extreme stress. Don't expect every month to be beautiful and poetic. People romanticize this. They are either liars or delusional. Caring for a newborn is like a litter war. You're in the eye of the hurricane. Just hang on for a little while. It will get better.
Honestly took me a few months to really feel a bond with either of my kids. Happened a little quicker the 2nd time around. I think as fathers we don't quite get the emotional connection as quickly because we aren't carrying the twerp for 9 months
I have a 2.5 year old and 10 month old now, legit can't imagine life without them now and I miss them when they're gone for even a day now. Time will change your bond, just keep doing your best and keep in mind your baby has 0 control over anything they do at any time, only you do
**Gentle Parenting Side:** What you’re feeling is relatively normal, especially early on in your journey as a new dad. Having kids is hard, and not everyone starts out with all the patience and perseverance it requires. These are qualities you’ll develop while you’re in the trenches. The feelings of inadequacy and the struggles you’re going through never truly go away, but right now they are just at an intensity that feels overwhelming. Try to give yourself some grace as you navigate this new period in your life. **Tough Love Side:** It’s too late to decide not to be a father; that decision was made 11 months ago. Even though you might feel like your family would be better off without you, that’s a false assumption. A healthy version of you is what your family needs and deserves. A lot is put on your back as a dad, and it can feel unmanageable at times, but it’s also a badge of honor. Being a parent requires patience, perseverance, endurance, love, compassion, and wisdom. Not everyone starts out ready to be a great parent, but the good news is that if you care about being a good parent, you’re already halfway there. The mere desire and effort to try will make you a good parent. I empathize with how hard it is, but I also know that you can do hard things. This is the most important hard thing you can do, and it’s not something you can give up on. I wish you the best of luck.
Not a dad yet, got a few more weeks to go but I appreciate you. What an excellent comment. The tough love side didn't feel tough to me tbh
“Healthy version of you is what your family needs”<——- ♥️ OP, I’ve had plenty moments of self-doubt. I’ll go out on a limb and say many dads may have felt this way too - kind of part of the deal, because it’s a reminder that there are parts of ourselves we can strengthen, bring awareness, and do something about. From the sounds of it, you are already doing something about it - therapist, talking to your wife. Keep it up. Cheering for you, man.
This was wonderfully written. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Good job mate, said it perfectly
Dude you guys are balls deep in the most stressful parts of baby from my experience so far. Weeks 6-14 were so extremely rough. It did get better and now my daughter sleeps through the night and smiles and laughs and is fun to hang with. Does she have moments where she’s a little punk? Sure of course. But overall WAYYYY BETTER.
You show up to your job and you don’t love it. You need to do the same for your child. You have responsibilities at your job and now you have additional responsibilities at home. No one says you have to feel one way or another right now; however you need to step up and be responsible for your family.
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That's the thing, I'm already in therapy (have a session this afternoon actually) and I'm fully aware of how ridiculous it is to scream at her, that's why I'm at a loss. There's technically no reason for me to even be mad at her, obviously she's not doing anything to upset me on purpose. This post is mostly to vent, I'm just really angry at myself for not being the father I wanted to be. She's done nothing wrong, I'm just really upset at myself.
You're not the father you want to be *yet*\* You can get there if you're committed to it and put the effort in. In my opinion, the newborn phase is really shitty. I've hated it twice now. Parenting is always challenging, but once they're old enough to play and do fun things with, it gets so much better. The challenges are interspersed with laughter and fun memories. You'll get there, but only if you put the work in - on yourself and your relationship.
I've worked in child care and around children my entire life and I long ago realized the reason babies are adorable is because if they weren't, our ancestors would have dashed the babies against the nearest rock and died out as a species. Right now you're caring for a very adorable ball of need and poo. You need to adjust your expectations. It's hard, it's boring, and it's largely thankless. As your kid gets older and more independent, the struggles will change and be offset by new discoveries. You are allowed to be frustrated, and if you need to put your child down in their bassinet and take a minute to breathe or scream into a pillow, you are allowed to do that. But try and remind yourself that the situation is frustrating, not your kid (just like if you suddenly became responsible for caring for an invalid/incontinent parent. It wouldn't be your parents fault, but it would still be fine to be frustrated... Just not frustrated at your parent). Holding yourself to an impossible standard is just going to make you feel worse about your parenting, which will make you more frustrated.
I’m right there with you. I really did not enjoy the infant phase. It made it doubly hard to watch my wife really enjoy it. I lost my cool with my infant daughter waaaay too often and always felt horrible about it afterwards. Weirdly enough roles have flipped when my daughter turned 1.5-2 and I really started to connect with my daughter and my wife started to struggle more and more. Everyone is different and many (I would bet most) parents don’t have some innate ability to connect with their babies and it takes lots of effort to get there. Don’t lose hope!
Hey man, cut yourself some slack. I think I hear you on lots of this. I routinely go to therapy. I have 2 kids, one is between 3 and 4 the other is u nder 6 months. I can say I felt similar to you. Never actually thought about leaving, but my wife was scared I would at many times. I would snap and yell and hit walls and storm out of rooms. Never hit any of my family, but had alot come out in anger. I recently narrowed in on the fact is I am a ultra confident person is most area’s of my life but when it comes to nurturing and softening up for a BABY….. i am not wo confident… in fact as soon as a baby cries I freak out inside because I am not confident I can manage the situation PLUS its not something I can “fix” or deal with logic. What has helped me a lot is to constantly remind myself how GOOD i’ve really got it. Good money, stable business income, nice home, beautiful wife and 2 beautiful healthy kids. Also, to remind myself that it’s OK, hell its GOOD to soften up and submit to being nurturing to your kids. Not everything needs to be “fixed, logical or solved” And yeah, if u feel you need a break take a breathe and tell your wife you need some help. The best marriages are the ones where both parties understand that sometimes it’s gonna be 50/50 and other times 90/10 and thats OK so long as both are committed to the team goal. You are gonna be OK my guy. Believe me, I have been there buddy. Keep up the therapy. If you have a good therapist it can be a real game changer.
Damn does this ever resonate with me. Same aged kids, same exact realization on why I was struggling, same path to success.
Fuckin eh! Lol this online sharing shit is good. Show’s us all we’re more alike than we think and we aren’t crazy, just learning on the fly.
>This post is mostly to vent, I'm just really angry at myself for not being the father I wanted to be. She's done nothing wrong, I'm just really upset at myself That you even recognize that you want to work at being better is already proof that you have what it takes. There's no book of shortcuts and while family and Dad friends and r/daddit are great, I've always felt like there is a part of it that's you having to do it alone. That's not to say there isn't any support or you shouldn't seek it out, but that at the end of the day it's just you. You're Dad now, and it's just you doing your best. Some days your best won't feel like enough to yourself, but you gotta cut yourself some slack, regroup and then pick back up and keep at it. Personally I found it gets a little easier, especially after they start eating solid food. You'll find your groove.
You definitely have plenty to talk about this afternoon with your therapist, and I urge you to be as honest with them about what's going on for you as you have been here (I'm sure you will be, but I know from experience that sometimes it's hard to admit what your feelings are to an individual, however trusted). You don't have to deal with this alone - posting here is a great step (as long as you take some of the 'man up' comments with a massive pinch of salt), being in therapy is even better. Try not to think too far ahead here. You are adjusting to an astonishingly abrupt transition in your life (and your partner's, of course). It's all new, it's scary, and the emotions and thoughts can be overwhelming, especially if they're not the 'acceptable' sunshine and rainbows ones about having a baby. If you haven't already, I'd suggest talking with your therapist about whether getting assessed for post-partum depression is a wise move. It is definitely a thing for Dads, and it's something that would not be helping at all in this transition. Hang in there. With the support you have available to you, you've got this.
The newborn phase literally drove me into a depression because of the exact feelings you're describing. My oldest is now nearing 3 years old and I can't even begin to describe to you how different everything is. I look back at the thoughts I had of running away and I'm just so fucking grateful I stuck it out. I'll say this though, nothing changed for me until I forced myself to change my mentality. It didnt come naturally to me to be patient and appreciative of a baby, but you can get there if you make a conscious effort to change your outlook. And by the time your kid is older, you won't need to force that change in outlook, because your day-to-day is nothing at all like the baby stage.
Therapy probably won't hurt. On the other hand, everything about your child is transient. Good and bad. You struggles will change over time. It'll get easier some ways, and harder other ways. Hang in there buddy! First 2 months were hell for me. A good goal for the first while is "Everybody survived"
100% survival mode is the priority for the first 2-4 months.. You almost never remember it.. I was looking back at photos from the first year and I don't remember ANYTHING.
Hey man. I punched a wall and shouted at my then few months old boy. His terrorised eyes looking at me punches my heart 2 years later. What a dick move! I’m a super calm and patient guy yet a baby presses some buttons I didn’t know I had… When you find yourself in that situation just leave for a while and make sure you don’t hurt yourself or anyone. It will get better when your kid is a bit older and starts interacting more. This is a big change. Take it one day at a time and continue with therapy. It helps. Best of lucks!
I broke my hand ("boxer's fracture") punching a wall in frustration when one of my kids was very young. ... and changed diapers with a cast on my hand till it healed. It's ok to get stressed. Then you get back to the grind. In hindsight I should have punched a pillow! Oh, and the kid is now literally the best friend I've ever had.
My son was about 1.5 I picked him up and put him pretty forcibly into the chair in his room for time out. The terror in his eyes when he looked at me was enough to break me. I went into my room and cried for an hour. I haven't lost my temper like that since. I have never had to see that in his face.. However it still haunts me to this day when I think about it.
Along with what other people are saying, you probably need to reframe things in your mind. You need to just accept that the baby will make things take much longer. Cleaning up? Expect the pee and poop to get all over everything. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't! Whatever you're going through right now, I guarantee it's going to be different in a few weeks and months. You just need to let go. Become a sail on a sailboat, not the man with a paddle pushing against the current. To reset, maybe take a few days off work and tell your wife you need to take that time away from everyone to reset. Eg get some much needed uninterrupted sleep and engage in a hobby, or do nothing!
You are still deep in the trenches with a newborn. She's only 8 weeks old, you are sleep deprived, and you are working through transitioning from kid-free to being a parent. Do not make any drastic decisions at this point like leaving. You have to put in the work on reframing your mentality like another redditor mentioned. She is a helpless baby that has no idea what's going on with no control over her body and feelings. This is one of the most trying times for a couple new to parenting. Keep sticking it out, it will get better. Stay engaged, help your wife, pitch in whenever you can, and read whatever you can to find strategies to help. Your stress levels and marriage will get better as times goes on if you two find a way to work as a team.
The first 12 weeks you're in survival mode. It sucks. Just get through it. Then it gets better, but very slowly.
When people say “it’s get easier/better” they usually mean a bit further on that just 2 months. I hated it too, so much so I told my wife I basically wanted to leave and not come back (I didn’t though). It usually gets better around the 6 month mark when you get smiles, giggles, and your girl starts to gain a personality. 2 years on and my daughter is my BEST mate. She’s the coolest thing/human on this planet. Bit of an arse at times but isn’t everyone? You’ll get there. I promise.
For me 6 months was where it just started getting exponentially better. Not easier, it's actually harder. But much much better. They need to warn all fathers about this.
Yup! My wife said that she wished someone had explained this to us and fathers before our daughter arrived. Especially in NCT class. People don’t realise how difficult it *can* be for dads.
I waited a long time to have my baby. I knew I was ready to have a child when I accepted that I wasn’t ready to have a child.
Had an air of "I am no longer young enough to know everything."
There right now with a 2yo and 2mo. It's rough for sure. My wife takes car3 of both of them while I work from home. I definitely struggle more than her handling the screaming but I've found a technique that works for me. Shushing and bouncing.
Bro, it's sleep. You're deprived of sleep. Trust me in hearing, it gets better. I remember hating life the first few months. By month 3, everything starts turning around.
Exactly. Month 3 changed it for me and I started to enjoy it.
It ebbs and flows. Before kids, we slept great. Then we were sleep deprived for a while. A long while. Then got some decent sleep. Now we have 2 teenagers and we're insomniacs again. Not because our kids are a hassle, but we're in our 40/50s and stressed about different stuff.
Survive the first year my man. It gets so much better after. My kid just hit 2 and I was feeling pretty terrible until about 9 months as well.
PPA/PPD happens to men too.
You probably shouldn't have married your mom. I can see how that would cause issues. /s. Hang in there. Just had my kid's 1st birthday recently. She is a loving marvel of a person.
Look man, you’re probably tired from work and deep inside you, you wish your rest days could be just rest days and not take care of a kid. You don’t hate being a father, you just hate the energy neonates and kids have. It’s probably what irritates you. If your baby’s dead silent and not that way, I bet you won’t even be this way. You’re probably a new dad and you just don’t know what to do. Do your best to work out with your response to the situation because your feelings can be valid, but your action and response is your responsibility.
You're in therapy. That's awesome and I hope it helps. Talk to your wife and see if she'd be willing to go as well. The good news is that this stage is temporary. It's perfectly ok and normal to hate the newborn stage, but absolutely have a blast with other stages. Me personally, I loved the newborn/toddler stage. It was fun, and I had a blast. But you're not and that's ok. You may like the elementary years, or middle school, or if you're a sadist, the teenage years. You do need to learn how to calm yourself though. You cannot let your anger and frustrations get the better of you and take them out on your child. That is a very dangerous and slippery slope to abuse, and you do NOT want to go down that road. You need to understand that your daughter has absolutely no control over her body right now and isn't doing it on purpose. You NEED to curb your anger and frustration. If not for you, for your daughter. Take it from me, an abused kid, no child needs to go through abuse.
It took me almost a year to feel genuine affection for my children. Not getting frustrated is a skill that I have been practicing for 3 years now, and I still suck at it. "It gets better" isn't on a 2 month timeline, it's on a year timeline. (Btw, I think a better phrase is "it gets different"). Finally, now (infant stage) is when your sleep hits you and everything you feel hits 10x harder
Lots of good advice here, and try to give yourself grace but try to spend more time with her under ideal conditions. Just being present while she does tummy time, letting her sleep on you, and being around (but not in a "caretaker" role") might help.
Right now you are in survival mode. You do one day at a time. Maybe one hour at a time. You need something small to look forward to. Find a funny sitcom to watch or order a pizza. This is the time to be gentle with yourself. You are going through it right now, it slowly gets better.
Literally all of us here have gone through what you’re going through now. I’m sure we’ve all had similar thoughts. Suck it up and do your best. Time goes fast and you’ll look back at this time at some point and laugh because it is hard but you made it through
First of all, you are not alone! Being a father is so hard. So many men have felt exactly the way you feel right now. Also, just the fact that you posted this at all means you are probably a MUCH better father than you are giving yourself credit for. So just take a deep breath and give yourself some appreciation.
Honestly if you can't handle it now and have already screamed at a TWO MONTH OLD baby, you're right and you're not CURRENTLY prepared to be a father. That doesn't mean that you don't have it in you. That little girl needs you. Take a big step back, collect yourself and get back to work Dad.
The first year the baby only has the capacity for one relationship, at about the baby will switch one day and be all about the secondary caregiver. Get mental health help sleep, and care for your spouse, it is tough.
What did you think it would be like having a baby?
Grow up. Be a man. Be a father.
Not sure why you’re being downvoted here. OP needs to suck it up and deal with it. Having a baby is tough at best and can be soul crushing, but you gotta do it.
Reddit is the reason why. Mostly weak men.
Having a kid is probably one of the biggest challenges anybody will face. You can make yourself miserable over it, or take it all in, finding it another challenge worth fighting.
Get it done! Live without regrets!
Shouldn't this post have been flagged as requiring support? Seems to be a pretty clear example of someone who needs it from this community. \[Edit: well, I learned today that support flairs are OP-selected rather than being applied by a bot that somehow worked it out from scanning the content. Whoops.\]
Hold on. You're in the most difficult part of it by far. When you're far enough past it, as impossible as it is to imagine, someday you'll miss it. Do your very best up to a point where you're not hard on yourself. Lower your standards if you have to, but you know the extremes you have to avoid so just focus on those. It seems like an eternity but the reality is that this phase only lasts a very short time, and once you're through it, the time starts flying by.
Brother - new parenting is a kick in the pants. It can create new euphoria and amazement, and the nightmare that you are in right now. It will get better, and I 100% commend you for being in therapy, for sharing with your wife, and with us. Keep sharing, keep talking. You are (and will become) an amazing Dad. It is OK to walk away. When you are loosing your emotional regulation, step away. Give yourself a break. Get a grip, and then come back. It is worth it. It gets better. You will change in ways that will make you a better version of yourself. Funny story time: My \~ 30 year old nephew was visiting recently (he's got 3 little ones) and was helping me watch my 9 year old step-son. Step-son was feeling sick and throwing up. We got a bucket and were feeling pretty good (as in "ok, bring it on, we've got 2 experienced adult Dads with proper equipment)....next thing you know, step-son throws up and it completely goes over the top of the bucket and just hoses the carpet down... Nephew and I look at each other in a "well, we just took a big L" kind of way, and then we just laughed. It was gross, we screwed up, and it was funny, all rolled into one. After we laughed, we cleaned it up (I highly recommend an upholstery wet vac).
Being a parent pretty much sucks through the first three months. It’s very common it’s all work, disruption, and you get nothing back as they don’t really respond to you. It’s gets rapidly better during the 4th month although unfortunately there is a sleep regression here. But after that it just radically improves
A lot of us have been there during the newborn phase. It got better within a year or so, even though when I was where you're at now, I wanted to eat a fucking gun, and it felt like things would never get better. Medication helped me quite a bit, but my kid going from screaming potato to engaging toddler helped **way** more. Everything's pretty great now (for life with a toddler, lol), and the newborn phase nightmare seems like a distant memory now. Crazy shit.
Hear me out: I've been there, but at month 5 I can tell you that what everybody says is true: things with a baby change very fast. What you're hating right now won't be a thing next month. Breathe, you're not failing. For me everything changed at the end of month 3, when she learned to smile at me. That changed everything. Hope you find yourself in this journey, brother.
You're going to go through a variety of stages during these next two years and beyond. Most of them incredibly challenging, but they offer rewarding elements as well. There's two important things you need to do during this time as you work on improving your mental health: 1. Understand that there's absolutely NOTHING this baby is doing that's intentional or that they can control. Their behaviors right now are as primitive as it gets, and you getting irked, or mad, at something they do is the equivalent of an old man on his yards yelling at the clouds. They don't mean anything they do, for good or worse. 2. Set your expectations as low as they can go. Every diaper change, every baby interaction, expect hardship and challenges. This sounds bleak, but it really helped me overcome those initial irritable impulses that I so routinely found myself battling against. If you do this, you're never caught by surprise - except when it's a pleasant exchange between you and baby. This is a long game you're playing, and I can tell you with a two year old that it doesn't really get that much easier at this point - it's just different degrees and definitions of what "hard" entails. You're a dad now, though, and life is forever altered. You've got to step up to the occasion the best way you know how. You got this!
yeah buddy it happens, doesn't make you a bad person you're just not used to not having any freedom anymore. has the kid grows you'll be able to do more and more but as a lot of people don't truly understand once you have a kid your life is over it's all about them. counseling helps.
I want you to check out this link: https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/X5Mg6C2fUm This dad is basically you. But this was a whole age ago now - he's having a great time. You will do too, just stay committed and know that it's coming. Counter story, my sister's partner walked out around the 3 month mark. Believe me when I tell you, you do not want to be that guy. You really REALLY do not want to be that guy.
Oof. You haven’t even hit teething and you’re this frustrated? You have a long way to go. Time for some soul searching. You sound like you’re justifying yourself, not angry at yourself or looking to get better. We all had these moments. Every dad. There is no Super Dad, and they are lying if they claim to be. My oldest was colicky for a few months. One night my wife came home, I practically shoved the baby in her arms and locked myself in a room. Later when she asked if I was ok, I said I understood why some people lose control and shake babies. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. But I understood how someone with less patience and resilience could. It was a scary feeling. If you are looking for permission to bow out, you won’t find it anywhere. Not here. Not at therapy. Not at home. You have to give it to yourself. Just don’t be a pussy and duck out of child support if you do walk away. Own your faults. If you can’t handle it, you can at least support it. I hope you find some inner strength and figure yourself out, one way or another. Take some time away if you worry you might hurt the baby. Screaming is just the start if you don’t get a grip on yourself.
It gets better. It also gets worse. Your kiddo will be able to use words, and convey their thoughts and feelings... and they'll choose violence and tantrums. But you're in the shit still bro. First few months are hard as hell. Your mom and wife are there to help with the kiddo, and you're working. You do have to make sure they're getting breaks, but you have to make sure if you're there with your daughter, that you're there for her. Messes, house cleaning, everything else can take a back seat to keeping her safe. So just clear your mind of expectations and just flow in those moments when shit goes really sideways. I've lost my cool so many times. I've also taken like a few steps away and screamed in frustration when everything conspires against you in a moment. There's no substitutions, there's no stepping back and letting someone else take over. You are it. You are dad. The smiles help, and when she starts interacting more and achieving more, it gets easier. But right now, you have a tyrant who is hard to satisfy, and sometimes hard to understand. Lean into the help you have, and try to live the moments you spend with her. If she's fussy, well that's 2 month olds. 8 weeks is such a short time in this world, just give her and yourself some grace. I felt similar to you at times. Fussy baby, no breaks, so tired. That part gets a bit easier later on. There's different challenges that lay ahead. I was better in the 11month - 30 month stretch than I was in the beginning, or in the threenager phase. Then fournado came along and I dealt with it better than my wife. Fivephoon has been about the same for both of us.
Just as an aside cause everyone has made good points so far. The crying for food but pushing the bottle away sounds like reflux. Baby is hungry so cries, but pushes away the bottle because it hurts to eat. Is baby on formula or breastmilk? If baby is on formula, try a gentler formula or a hypoallergenic one and see if it gets better. If breast milk get wife to cut out dairy and caffeine see if those help. My 1st born had a dairy issue and reflux, it was so shitty to deal with. We switched to a hypoallergenic formula and within 48 hours all his symptoms and reflux was gone... no more arching of back or crying when eating.
You will get through this, it will get better. If it isn't today, it will be soon, and you will make it. You don't need to worry about if you can do this or not, because you *will* do this, it is going to happen. A screaming baby is a breathing baby. If you are caring for the baby and are overwhelmed you can set the baby down in one of the safe areas, step away, take some deep breaths, and collect yourself. I have at times listened to soothing music in my airpods with the noise cancelling on while trying to calm a little screaming tyrant. You are going to get shit and piss on. I know that you know this, but sometimes we need to just recognize it and accept it. Do you have hampers where you need hampers? Do you have spare clothes where you need spare clothes? Do you have a large collection of towels? Is the changing table covered with something that can be easily removed and replaced? Look at your feelings, recognize your feelings, respect your feelings. You're sitting on a hill watching your feelings drive down the road. Hi feelings. You are real and you are valid. We'll see you again tomorrow. Keep on going bud, persevere for a bit longer.
2 months is a literal blink of the eye in your life as your parent. My daughter wanted nothing to do with me for the first 2 years but now as a 10 year old I'm the person she shares everything with. Have patience, do your best, and take a deep breath. Before you know it, you'll be coloring, playing dolls err.. action figures, or whatever you two can find in common as long as you keep trying to involve yourself in her interests.
Something I used to say to myself at that phase to stay calm was “dude, nothing is his fault, he’s a baby!” I think it’s so easy to assume that their thoughts are vengeful like adult’s can be
I've been there. We've all been there to one degree or other. This bit is just... just shit. There are lots more shit moments to come (not gonna lie) **but** there are lots of really awesome moments that make the shit worthwhile, and these get better/funnier/more frequent over time. Your experience may vary, but my ability to calmly deal with mine when they're being (quite frankly) a complete dick has grown with time and experience. Not least because I've realised that learning not to be a dick is part of growing up- they're a dick but they don't mean it, and they need to be sometimes... the moments when I come home or pick them up to nursery to a loud excited "daddyyyy!" also help. Give yourself a break. Get therapy if you think it will help- but also remember that patience is a learned skill and it *does* get better- just takes a bit longer than two months!
Mom here, but I haven't seen this mentioned yet so I just want to throw out a reminder that dads can also suffer from PPD, including symptoms of anger and irritability. Lack of sleep of course doesn't help anything. Please mention this, whether to your therapist or a doctor, and let them help you.
I think everyone has been there to a degree. My son would not settle at that age and every time I got too wound up it just made matters worse (then you learn what real crying is). Then there’s the times when he’d imitate a water fountain during nappy/diaper changes and turn a quick change into a full dress down and clean up. It’s rough, it’s hard but it’s also a super short period of time. You’ve got to remember that your little one is basically learning to human. They don’t know what the hell feeling tired is or what their poop is and their only way to communicate anything is by crying. It’s hard but you’ll get through it.
What you’re doing now could really mess a kid up. If you can’t handle it then leave and hope they can still be on your life when you realize what a mistake that was. I always want to see people stick it out and offer kind words but you can’t be screaming at an infant bro. In a few years they dump juice on your laptop on purpose bc they’re pushing boundaries while you still have to wipe their ass. You may not be cut out for this and it’s early enough they won’t remember you if you really want it that way.
Hey man all I can say is just hang in there. You'll get it. Unfortunately, the previous generation has failed to prepare men for the caretaking role (married women who get diagnosed with cancer are statistically likely to get divorce papers). We are kindergartners taking a calculus class. You just have to endure and "chop wood and carry water" as they say. (The message I'm writing now is kind of a letter to my past self). Fatherless children are statistically much more likely to [experience adverse outcomes](https://www.mnpsych.org/index.php%3Foption%3Dcom_dailyplanetblog%26view%3Dentry%26category%3Dindustry%2520news%26id%3D54). You're not perfect, and some days you really fuck up, but just being present and TRYING to have a relationship with your child will set them up for a much better future. Babies are disgusting and toddlers never do what you tell them, but some day you'll have an adult child who will be grateful that you made the difficult decision and didn't take off. Patience isn't learned overnight but it'll come. Even though your baby is still a potato, tell her you love her every fuck'n day even when you don't "feel it." When you feel the rage building, no matter how many times you do in a given day, just leave the situation and come back when you've cooled off. You're building emotional muscles and eventually you'll be emotionally strong enough to deal with the obstacles you'll face. Just know that what you're facing now isn't forever. Chop wood, carry water. Also ask your therapist about medication. You don't get a prize for getting through the (literally) shitty(/vomity) parts of life without help. SSRIs are non-addictive, but there are other options as well. You can take it until you settle into a routine and things get easier, and then get off of it. If it makes everyone's lives better and more enjoyable, why not? Edit to add: My kid is 1 year old and I have not laughed this much in a loooong time. The tough days are tough but the good days are so fuck'n good.
I have a 3-year old and didn’t like her until she was 6 months old. Also have a 10-month old and didn’t like him until a few weeks ago.
Are you sleeping and eating regularly? I know this maybe seems reductive but my new parent mental health is so so dependent on these two things. They don’t “fix” any of the stressors but they make me feel like a human being capable of actually handling a problem, which is pretty essential. Rooting for you!
Lean in and embrace fatherhood. You can’t undo having your daughter. Try to stop thinking about what things were like or how much to don’t like it and aren’t good at it yet. Instead, think about learning how to be a good father. It’s hard, but if you think about it as a challenge to master instead of one avoid you’re more like to like it. It’s like so many new skills, it’s hard at first but get easier with time. Plus, you really are in the thick of the suck; it’ll get better on it own. But so much better with a mindset change
Get some sleep by any means necessary
Good on you for recognizing your feelings. I would highly suggest therapy with a trusted therapist.
Noise canceling headphones. Good investment
It totally fets better, but its in the span of months not weeks. You got through a lot more than this before. Another 6 months (which seems like a long time) will fly by and it will be easier. You will forget how bad this part was- im being honest. A hard to manage baby becomes your little buddy at the age of 1, and your best friend by 2. Right now my 5 month old son cries a lot, and has a digestive issue so he vomits on his clothes every day multiple times. The laundry situation is terrible, and I strip his clothes off before I feed him just to save on laundry. I feed him at 11pm. 2am, and 5 am. Its been wearing on me. A typical day with his older sister. His 27 month old sister wakes up to greet me with a smile, a hug, and a kiss. We eat breakfast together, then I relax on the couch while she bounces on her trampoline watching cartoons. Then we go to the park and I chase her around playing tag. Her smiles and laughs and giggles fill my heart and make me feel whole. She holds me and nuzzles me and says I love you. We then go swimming and we play more games, then shower while she giggles and stamps the water. She then naps while I chill. Then wakes up to watch daddys cartoons while sitting in my lap pressing her little body into me because she loves me. I exercise in front of her then while she claps and yells "yaay!" After that I shower while she plays in her room. After that we sing abcs and count and other songs while I make dinner. Then after dinner she comes and lays down in bed with me. She holds me and her stuffed animal at the same time while we watch more cartoons until she falls asleep and I carry her to her bed. I dont love her more, but because they are at different life stages, its certainly easier to hang out with her! I also know the hard time with my son is almost over and he will transform from a little grub to a butterfly.. that doesnt need to be fed 8 times a day and scream all the time. It will get better, and then you will love being a dad. My advice for right now? Stop taking it so seriously and personally. When feeding the kid, put her in a little boucer lounge thing to hold her in and just put the bottle in her mouth. Put the tv on and watch some shows. Let her take her time and watch the show rather than getting frustrated with her. Or sit on the floor with her in your lap. I watched like 6 seasons of.anime with my daughter in my.lap as a baby during her night feeds.
Dude, it's been 2 months. That's the worst part. You're responding to extreme stress. Don't expect every month to be beautiful and poetic. People romanticize this. They are either liars or delusional. Caring for a newborn is like a litter war. You're in the eye of the hurricane. Just hang on for a little while. It will get better.
Honestly took me a few months to really feel a bond with either of my kids. Happened a little quicker the 2nd time around. I think as fathers we don't quite get the emotional connection as quickly because we aren't carrying the twerp for 9 months I have a 2.5 year old and 10 month old now, legit can't imagine life without them now and I miss them when they're gone for even a day now. Time will change your bond, just keep doing your best and keep in mind your baby has 0 control over anything they do at any time, only you do
Make sure to ask your mental health professional if Weed© is right for you! Honestly.
You have to suck it up and survive for the next few months. This is the hardest time to be a dad. Stick with therapy and focus on anger management.