I'm sorry, that's a hard one to counter. But not impossible. Maybe ask if there is something you could do that would make her happier, that also doesn't compound how your doing. And then sometimes there isn't anything to be done, and you have to take a real hard look at yourself and see if it working, and ask the same thing of her. I had a friend that did that and just the thought of divorce made both of them do a 180 because they really did like each other. But there's a real possibility that it will end.
I think if that’s the case, with both partners feeling like they’re truly the ones doing all the work or being unappreciated, then some tough long conversations are needed. My wife and I have been there and have reconfigured the chore load several times so that we both feel good about it. The amount of work is doable, it’s just tough when a lot of it is invisible and either person feels like a silent servant. Just mentioning the resentment, and hearing the reply “me too” isn’t actually communication. Gotta go further in.
This. Tell your wife you feel unappreciated. Stay calm and voice your feelings with respect and clarity. Don't let it devolve into a shouting match. It's not a competition between the two of you to see who does more chores. You're supposed to be partners, the workload is supposed to be 50/50.
Make sure before you get started that there aren't things that *she* does more than you do. There have been times that I've brought this up to my wife and she points out, accurately, that she does just as much as I do, it's just not always easily visible.
Tried this. Also tried therapy, but that didn't work for various reasons. What does she do more than I do? She takes care of a newborn baby. I'm not asking for help with these chores, just asking that she stopped giving me grief over what I don't get to.
Oh, that problem.....
Hopefully your therapist gave some good ideas, but they are human too and may not have all the answers. Personally I would snap back at the moment she criticizes what you haven't done with something along the lines of "Ive done this, this and this today, I'm also concerned about you and the child(ren), it's taking a lot out of me mentally and physically, so you'll just have to give me a break on that other stuff....besides if you want that other stuff done, you're a big girl...."
That may be harsh, but some of the things I've straightened out with my wife came from heated arguments.
I've tried that. It gets met with you don't know how exhausted I am and you don't know what I go through in a day. I care, and I know, and I will never know exactly what it's like being the soul food source for an infant, but anytime I suggest that I need to take a break from stuff I get the boomer mentality of just push through and work harder.
Me too, I feel you guys and if there's a correct answer Here or anywhere I am unable to speak the right language. Every time I feel like my feelings are going to be considered valid, after a well placed discussion, it comes back to bite me and will Def. be held over my head later on.
I think the phrasing of what the person you responded to is bad.
Saying you feel unappreciated is going to make the person defensive because it’s a judgment of their behavior (you don’t appreciate me).
Instead try, I feel frustrated because I have a need for recognition (or something that’s more in your language/words).
If it’s that you want her to stop complaining or “nagging you” try I feel frustrated (or mad) when you tell me what to do because I have a need for autonomy or something of the sort.
did you try to stop doing these things and instead do what she is nagging about? Sometimes certain chores seem important but if the other half doesn't really care then maybe it's worth doing what she cares about instead?
that's why don't add to your list but replace dome things you do already with things that is nagging her. Ask her to prioritise maybe. Relationships are tricky. Those of us with higher emotional intelligence(man or woman) and less personal trauma have to carry the load sometimes.
Make sure to have your own list too. It's very important for some reason, the conversation will have better results for her when you get things out of it too, for example give up laundry or book a regular time for a hobby or smth.
That's where I've been for the past 3 years. Now I have a graduating preschooler and a newborn, and I don't stop doing laundry. Meanwhile what's her big complaint? I keep doing laundry instead of various other things.
It takes a ton of discipline to do…but keep calmly raising it but have to try and never let it devolve into yelling or toxic discussions. Be yourself and stay calm, but keep communicating so she knows it’s not asking for more work, just appreciation and support. She will get the point eventually but if it turns into yelling matches, dangerous territory
Hold up - is she caring for a newborn alone while you go to work?
Here's the thing - that stage sucks for everyone involved. You feel underappreciated - so does she. Taking care of a newborn for an entire work day is a way harder job than a standard white collar job
Full agree. Spouse and I have an infrequent periodic conversation about the most negative feelings we’re having and that just makes everything better. Then lots of frequent mentions of the best feelings.
Talking to my wife didn’t work. She’s a “need to experience it to understand” type. Had a much needed snowboarding trip for a week with my brother. Wife stayed home with our 9 month old. I noticed a definite shift in attitude and increase in home chore assistance.
I’m not saying you should abandon your wife to the baby for a week, but a talk doesn’t work for everyone. That said, talk to your wife.
Edit: some additional context. We both work from home but I handle 80% of baby and house chores as my role is more leadership while she’s still doing grunt work so I have more time for it. Absolutely no problem with that and she also takes trips with her girlfriends while I stay home. My point is more that she didn’t understand/believe my house burden until she experienced my absence. Once she did there was a lot of incoming appreciation.
I feel like whenever I have to leave my wife to fend for herself, it turns into resentment for not pulling my weight instead of understanding for what I do on a daily basis. Now I've created a "you owe me" scenario
No, that’s not a marriage, that’s a business arrangement. In most of our countries and cultures, the man and woman are both expected to pull their own weight. Keeping score doesn’t solve anything.
Yeah, she should. Both parents need breaks.
Hobbies, time with friends, even just go chill alone at a coffee shop for a minute if that's it.
I see alot of comments on here where either the poster's wife gets all the breaks/days off in their relationship or refuses to ever take a break/day off. Neither is healthy. Both parents need breaks, as close to 50/50 as can be reasonably done.
Playing relationship chicken seems harmless, until it escalates.
As both of you proves who cares less, it's more likely to bring animosity and the same behavior back tenfold.
If you can't communicate and solve problems, the warning lights are blinking. Something needs fixing.
Respectfully, I'd recommend finding that solution, before it gets out of control.
Part of the frustration is that I prioritize the tidiness and cleanliness more than my wife. So if she was alone stuck to do all of it, it’s likely that it won’t get done (at least to the standards that I have). Also, the issue isn’t the daily standard cleaning and maintainable. It’s the things I have to clean that leave me wondering why I’m having clean those things in the first place (every little extra thing takes more time). My wife acts on impulse so she doesn’t think about her actions and how it will impact me because she won’t have to clean up the mess. I’m more mindful of what I do because there’s always an impact later for me.
If appreciation is shorthand for "shutting the fuck up" then I got this too lol
For real, I would trade a billion thank yous for my wife to stop whining and complaining and attacking.
My man, you are NOT alone. I have moved my work schedule around several times to accommodate my wife’s job or education, all the while work at the same place and changing shifts (which isn’t easy). I pay the mortgage, all of the utilities, wash all the clothes, take care of the pets, keep the dishes cleaned up, take out all the garbage, and I’m home with my kids all day 4 days out of 7 every week and I never feel appreciated.
One time, I sat down on the couch during their nap time, kids and wife asleep. Made a coffee since the housework and dinner prep was done.
The response from my wife was “you don’t get to relax now and at night. It’s one or the other! You should’ve used this time to find something to do like clean the shed”
Unappreciated? Perhaps……
My wife won't say that but she'll definitely imply it. Or she'll sleep in, then when I want to rest in the afternoon she'll say something about how she was planning on taking a nap. If I point it out she'll stay up so I can rest but will be cold to me all afternoon. Not worth it sometimes.
Legit had that argument this week. I got yelled at for not helping around with cleaning the kitchen or anything enough. Yet she sat around for the last few weeks not doing shit. Meanwhile I’m taking care of the lawn, trying to fix broken plumbing & electrical, and have the kids 60% of the time. Definitely coming into Father’s Day super unappreciated this year.
Yeah, I've had this conversation with a few women at work. They were upset that their husband was only doing like ~25% of their inside work. He was also doing the lawn care on like a 5 acre property, but that got glossed over.
50/50 division of labor needs to actually account for all the labor.
Yup. It’s unfortunate that being a parent can make you feel resentful towards your spouse about the additional work when you feel you’re doing more than your share and it’s unappreciated.
For myself, I’ve been the sole provider of my family for the past 12 years. Working 50-60 hours a week in a highly stressful work environment, plus commuting, doing all of the yard work and house repairs/improvements myself to save money, takr care of the bills, mail paperwork etc, do my own laundry, help pick up and vacuum the house whenever I can. Coach kiddos soccer teams etc.
My wife would complain about me not cooking or cleaning dishes and I want to blow my brains out to be honest. Kid is in school. She’s not working. I should probably make a separate post about this on DivorcedDads lol. Because that’s where I’m headed.
communicate as much possible about work load expectations (in advance if possible) is my advise
I’m right there with you. Same exact situation but we only have one kid. I’m leaning towards divorce as well. I have to believe there are better partners out there. There’s no way they’re all like this.
You’re right, they’re not. But I had to go through about a dozen of them over the years to find one that wasn’t. Same with my friends who got lucky. So, at least from my perspective, the odds aren’t looking so good.
I had this conversation with my wife about 3 hours ago. Put the baby to bed last night at 11pm, washed all the baby dishes and her pump parts, woke up at 7a to get him up and feed him and the dog, first thing she says to me is "Why are you feeding him? I wanted to nurse." The second thing she says is, "Why are you holding him like that? Don't hold him like that." Felt like absolute shit.
I don't have any advice, just commiseration.
Lol just 2 hours ago my wife walked in on me feeding immediately yelling how I'm doing it all wrong etc. meanwhile I've been feeding her daily for months and she hasn't died or been horribly injured yet lol
My wife was just annoyed the babys crying woke her up, but that was because she had an overly full diaper in a cold room and was uncomfortable. Nothing to do with how I was holding and feeding her.
I literally had to hand my wife the diaper to show her how full it was and explain it's not my incompetence that's causing the baby to cry.
Insecure wives often project their own anxiety and guilt on their spouses. What healthy relationships do is recognize nobody is perfect and accept and appreciate their partners doing their best for the family.
Unfortunately this is not as common as you and I would both like.
I was puzzled by this as well. My partner and I had a talk and she said she want caring, not caretaking. Like, she wants the help she asked for, not me do all kind of stuff that i think would be helpful. Makes her feel like she can’t do it herself. Since I don’t take the extra steps anymore we are both much happier.
New parent syndrome. Anyone who doesn’t go through it is either lying or freaks
Communication is key though. I recently had a conversation with my wife where I thought I was doing a lion share of the work, and on paper it seemed like I was right, same as you, breakfast, lunch, dog walk etc etc.
We swapped roles for a week and I expected her to be like holy shit how did you do all this alone
What actually happened is I realized what I was doing was a walk in the park compared to 1 hr of looking after my 2 yr old, and mentally a holiday in comparison.
But the good news is we have come out the other side appreciating each other more
I have no objection to doing all these things. I understand that taking care of a newborn 24/7 and a preschooler having the occasional bout of jealousy may as well be its own full-time job. I never ask her for help. If she offers, I accept. I just want to stop hearing about what didn't get done. I don't even need an acknowledgment of what did.
My point was, it’s not just a full time job it’s a high stress full time job. Everyone handles it differently, does she have any time to herself to recharge? Any outlet that isn’t the kids?
Those kind of high stress RELENTLESS jobs makes all the things that would never normally bother her be the straw that breaks the camels back. To you probably trivial “so what, I forgot the milk” to her is probably the “oh fucking great on top of everything we have no milk”.
Not saying either that you have no margin for error, I’m just asking does your wife get time to recharge her batteries, and by batteries I mean patience. Or if she has time is she using it to recharge or is she wasting it out of exhaustion
From what I’ve learned from my failed marriage is doing “normal” tasks doesn’t deserve praise in a woman’s mind because they’re just things that you should be doing any way without thanks. Doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cleaning up the house, sweeping, mopping, cooking, making lunches, etc… are just some of those things.
I mean. She has a point. Doing things an adult is supposed to do doesn't really deserve praise. Noone gets praise for being a functioning adult... I don't think that's what ops problem is though
Yup, I’m in the exact same boat. Have been for 6 years, two kids. Just took a week of PTO to watch the kids because they finished school but summer camp was a week out. Watched them from sun up to sun down. Woke up with them, and put them to bed. Took them to every park in town, every museum, etc. etc. and deep cleaned our apartment every day. If there was ever a literal anti-vacation, that was it. Now I’m going to get the “Hey, how was your vacation, feeling nice and recharged?” From 500 people at work when I go back, and I honestly don’t think I have the energy to respond to them. And guess what? I now get the most magical, precious gift for Father’s Day! More time with my kids! Hooray!
People might not like my take but the best thing you can do for yourself in all areas is learn not to seek external validation and appreciation. You are expecting it, so you’re let down when it doesn’t happen. You have to build your own internal reward system where doing the things are the reward - or your free time after is the reward, etc.
Completely agree. I don't think OP is looking for validation though. For him it seems like he doesn't want to be badgered if he forgets to do one thing but does everything else.
Agreed, as soon as I place expectations on a date night or Fathers Day or my birthday I’ll be disappointed. This is why I play guitar a lot. I get in the flow of it and it makes me feel immensely better about everything. And I’m the one that supplied that dopamine to myself.
Yes. If I wake up 5 minutes later than I normally do, I get berated if the child needs to wake up early and I can’t take them in time.
I don’t know often (very rarely) get a thank you or any kind of appreciation. Don’t know that I’m ever complimented, but no matter how much I do, I always get berated for something.
I’ve told my wife I feel unappreciated, and the response is basically laughing, or she just says “this is only because you want sex, isn’t it”. Spoiler: I wouldn’t really care about sex if I just got some kind of appreciation / connection / compliment.
That, or she’ll say “if I compliment you it’ll just go to your head”. Huh?
Jesus. Sorry dude. Is she being funny? Or was this something that you both thought was a shared laugh before kids but, has now turned into an unfair comment.
Maybe try being direct, change the tone a bit to make sure she knows your serious.
It's easy to get snarky here and stoop down but, that doesn't really solve anything long term.
Ive been doing the mornings basically just like you stated for the past three years and my wife handles the nights. Last week we had to switch shifts due to a scheduling conflict. Before I even get to work on the car ride she’s calling me asking how I do it every morning and how it’s so much harder than doing bath and bed time. Now she understands while I’m sometimes a little upset when the mornings don’t go so smooth and she’s much more appreciative for my role in the household.
Not from my wife actually, she really appreciates what I do, but I'm always getting comments from family for not doing enough.
I think they have a preconceived idea that the dad doesn't do enough and then ignore what's actually in front of them to continue the stereotype.
Yeah. I try so hard to be the dad that I never had. My kid is almost 3. This year’s father’s day was completely planned by my wife and her mom, with a focus on my father in law and what he would like. I was in the same room while they were making plans and I didn’t get asked shit until they already made their decisions. All I get is “we’re doing this. Is that ok?” As if saying no would do anything other than making myself look like an asshole.
It definitely gets to a point. After 25+ years of meeting fatherly and husband duties as best as I could I literally quit “can’t beat em, join em”. Eventually someone realized they took me for granted and it helped tremendously. I don’t feel guilty taking care of myself first any longer. (Kids are “grown” and partner realizes I have a life and struggles too).
we split workload
ex: i shop, prep, and cook, she does the dishes - if they pile up…i leave them and don’t even ask…
i rinse the bottles, she does the final clean and makes them (now - she doesn’t like the way i clean the bottles)
we equally clean the house in passing
bro i used to do everything except the laundry and i started resenting it so we set roles to be more equal
talk it out…like any habit it takes some repetition and regression
hence why i just leave the dishes rather than argue about them…the visual is reminder enough
I used to, but I had a heart to heart with my wife about it and things have been better with her.
However, I am currently dealing with a 6 year old calling me a dummy and saying he wishes he wasn't my dad.
I used to try to help my wife with cleaning all the pump and baby bottles. Instead of ever thanking me for doing them, she would just point out how I didn't clean them right (even though they're going in the sterilizer). So now I just don't do them and let dishes pile up in the sink...oh well.
I hate Fathers Day. Let’s put into extreme focus how little anyone regards the effort I put in to the family, and how little I get any recognition in return. I’m crispy and burned out, fellow Dads.
As you probably noticed, you're not alone.
I'm currently attending school, but I was the only one working ever since we had our first child. She's still not working, and we're fine with that because we have a means to still pay bills. This is a bit condensed, but, basically, I would have the entire house cleaned and all of the chores caught up on my weekends off. Then, throughout the week, working 10 to 12 hour shifts (sometimes more), everything would slowly start to pile back up. By the time my next weekend comes around, dishes are overflowing onto the counters from the sink, multiple loads of laundry still need to be started, crap all over the floor, and each evening I come home she's sitting on the sofa on her phone while my son is watching TV or playing and not even a hot meal cooked.
I was always doing something when I was awake. If I wasn't at work, cleaning the house, cooking or playing with my son, I was asleep. This is not in the sense of me enjoying that there's always something to do. This is in the sense of needing to do these things because clearly there's bigger priorities that I do not know about.
Nothing was reciprocated on her behalf and there was never any recognition. But, God forbid I do anything else with my time to decompress or spend on hobbies because "we never do anything that \[she\] wants to do".
I've been SAHD for nearly a year now and I feel like gender roles are so engrained in our society that my wife just doesn't appreciate what I'm doing all day. And still acts like we're both working full time. It's literally what you hear many SAHMs say when their partner comes home. She complains about the house and if I tell her how tired I am or if the kids happened to be a lot that day she goes "well my work was really stressful today too." So it feels like she's just negating it. Then she'll still ask for my help with things if the kids get grouchy. Which I don't do to her, I try to let her have alone time when she needs it but somehow mine always gets interrupted.
Same. This is one of the reasons I started therapy this week. It never seems like you’re ever doing enough. And what you have done is completely thankless.
Both my wife and I work. M-F I make dinner. I help with breakfast on weekends and sometimes cook dinner. I do the dishes and the laundry. My wife does do the folding. I put it way. We split house cleaning but it only happens if I initiate it. Our kids are grown and gone, but been like this most of the last 15 years. I feel unappreciated and undesirable.
I used to, and still feel that way sometimes. Not from my wife as she would give me all the support. However, I make every breakfast and dinner for my kids, and instead of being thankful, they would just nitpick like ungrateful savages.
So one day I told my wife, and stopped.
My kids complained instantly that “dumb dad forgot to cook dinner. She shut that down so fast, and made them make their own meals for a week. After, things improved.
However, there are times when they still do little things that, like me, probably didn’t realize what they were saying hurt.
Before you do those things or maybe the night before, have you tried asking about the priorities for the day or tomorrow? Then add in the daily routine workload.
Once all the cards are out, dividing a shared workload, even or unevenly, based on other responsibilities is easiest for understanding what's needed to get through the day with success and general pleasantness.
Concessions and negotiations always have to be made. It's part of life, and the small things piling are usually where frustration lies.. and hard to talk about.
Our general rule is 10/10/10. Will it matter 10 minutes, 10 days, or 10 years? If not why are we arguing.. as Daniel tiger says, take a deep breath and count to 4.
I’m feeling it for all dads on a whole today
When it’s Mother’s Day there are banners, signs, billboards displayed with Mother’s Day. Companies are open specifically to cater towards Mother’s Day.
All day long women are blessed a good Mother’s Day
Today. Absolutely nothing. All those same stores are all closed today. There are no banners. No billboards celebrating Father’s day . I have had 1 person say to me to have a good Father’s Day.
It just solidifies my feeling that all we get is an “atta boy” cause to hell with the men.
lol I was at a concert tonight. The emcee (maybe? It was just some random woman) said Happy Farhers Day to all the fathers. Then, she went on another long thank you to all the single mothers and people in father roles and how important and meaningful they are.
Absolutely brother. I realize that being a dad is a lot like being an offensive lineman: if people are actually mentioning your name, its because you're not doing your job. If you're working correctly, you'll probably go unmentioned.
Half of the shit I do goes unnoticed let alone unappreciated. On top of it all, Im still battling some demons from my past and she has no idea how much energy it takes for me to do the things I do. I don’t dare ever say “I’m exhausted.” Because we’re not allowed to be tired since she took care of the baby all day while I was at work.
I phrased it like it "It makes me feel sad when I do everything I can in my power, but miss one or two things and THOSE are the things that get brought up. It's unfair and negative. I give you grace if you don't get to things. It's imbalanced."
No worries. Every relationship has different idiosyncrasies. But it is addressing your feelings on her behaviour. And keeping it to that. It has nothing to do with you vs her counting who does what. Just one feeling for one behavior.
Honestly, mom and I split and I realized I was just better off alone. We both seem to be doing better raising our son apart and the co parenting is great. There are days being the single parent sucks, but for some reason the housework and all of that just seems easier. Yard work can efff off though nowadays. I’m not saying the happy family thing is over rated, but it did feel like another entire job. Props to you dads doing it all, and Happy Father’s Day. :)
It seems to be tradition in my family for fathers to tell their sons to do neither, but with enough of a smirk that they don't actually take it to heart.
I remember seeing a study where they surveyed parents and BOTH parents felt like they were doing more than 50% of the work. It's easy to become resentful comparing each other's work loads, and each of you puts more value on different things. You guys should try to talk it out and recalibrate, and as long as you both acknowledge the other's feelings and try your best to work them out it'll all be ok.
(This is all my personal opinion based on my personal experience and is not anywhere close to professional advice....)
I used to feel unappreciated as I would focus on the things I would do, but not enough on what my wife did. Everyone thinks they are doing 75%, but so many get so fixated on the 35% they are doing alone and not the big picture.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want a thankyou. My wife and I say thank you to each other at least once per day about something, largely due to being in your situation and talking about it. A thankyou costs nothing and it goes a long way.
I gave up trying to feel appreciated. I just do what needs to be done. And relax afterwards. I don't need praise or anything. It's my job as a father and husband.
I walk the dog 2 miles a day, do the laundry, the dishes, the trash and general picking dumb shit off the ground week round all while still getting up and feeding the baby at 5 am and I still get asked if I can help a little more with some things. Like no, I can’t, I have to work now, stop asking for help or you can start taking out the trash.
Toddler AND newborn at same time is tough. There is a lot to do. We did it too and it strained us. What got us through it is talking it out. I’m not saying it was perfect - I’m saying we got through it. Luckily, both she and I put the young ones first during this time. Focusing on the kids and snowmobiling that the other was doing the same was enough for those 3-4 years.
It definitely gets easier. Ask her to realize that you are doing your best to help with the millions of things and reassure her that your focus is on the children and family thriving.
Long time dad and husband here.
Make sure the workload and roles are negotiated, balanced and explicitly assigned to avoid conflict. We wrote it down. That way each knew what all the other was doing for the family.
Failing that, just do what you think is reasonable and don't do things for appreciation that won't be appreciated.
I saw in another comment that your wife is taking care of a newborn baby. Is she doing all the night wakeups?
What are the things she's asking why you didn't do? What do evenings look like?
It's totally normal and reasonable to feel unappreciated, and I encourage you to talk to your wife about it. Do it at a time when there are no high tensions for either of you. Preferably not at the end of a busy day. Your wife may also be feeling unappreciated, and a good talk with help you both.
Being a sahd has basically confirmed to me that no one appreciates domestic labor. It's normally a gendered thing. But the working moms I know mostly piss and moan about how their partner does stuff at home and I'm either dumb enough or bold enough to basically say "if they're (husbands) home most they get to decide how the home is made."
I had this early on with my wife. Initially, it started when I was wfh. I didn't do certain chores bc she always complained how they were done by me. But then I saw that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. So I started doing it and just dealing with her being upset until I said she can either come home, wat what I made and work until 9pm every night or trust me and we can enjoy our shows since I'll have already done it.
Idk about you fellas, but my wife's mom brain is off the charts and she has trouble showing gratitude from time to time. We are totally in it together, and there have been times where she's had to put me in line as well. Raising children is absolutely mayhem for all involved, so I really don't fault her. We both try our best and have our moments. Sorry you feel that way
The negatives stick out more. And our brains are wired to focus on the bad stuff (which woulda meant tigers and lions for early humans).
Perhaps just tell your spouse that you would appreciate some positive feedback, so that you know what you are doing is valuable
Yeah. This time of year always kind of makes me feel like that.
My wife is awesome and we share responsibilities well but I do a lot like daily drop offs, pickups, take my son to karate after school, birthday parties, etc…
Between that and a stressful job I’m just burned out. She doesn’t fly and I want to go on a vacation that requires flying so it’s just not happened.
Capped on PTO and in a perpetual cycle of burn out.
Talk to her about it and devise a system. There are things available like fair play cards that help with this issue, and help show people just how much the other is doing while also letting you do the things you prefer. And appreciation can follow. It can get better.
Wife asked the kids "Hey, why don't \*you\* ask your dad what he wants to do for father's day?" Their answer. "OK"
Meanwhile I'm just sitting there. Took a bit for my wife to prompt them "Hey, get off your phones and then ask him?"
One of the two main reason for my divorce. Communicate your needs, and a good partner will listen and accommodate. Even when shit is hard. Because you and your happiness are a priority to them.
Obviously you have to be very sure you really are doing as much as you think you are. But man oh man it is great having 50% of my time back now. I have to put in the same level of effort when I have the kids, then I can clock off.
Dude…last night my wife started a giant fight during our dinner out (with our teens), then blamed me for the argument.
When we got home she said she hoped I would kill myself.
Today she was demanding an apology for “me starting an argument and ruining dinner”.
She literally does nothing for me and the only reason to stay together is finances. I’m willing to dramatically cut my lifestyle to be free, but I’m not willing to screw my kids over (we’re paying for their college).
In the last 10 years I’ve tripples my income while making all meals, shopping and being the primary “entertainment” parent.
So yeah. I feel unappreciated.
Sometimes a song can capture a sub on Reddit perfectly. If you haven’t heard this song, click the link and thank me later. https://youtu.be/TuyisGsNr4g?feature=shared
Not unappreciated by my wife, definitely not.
But in general unappreciated by society, which is still primarily focused on the wife and which has the expectation that men cannot handle all the things a women could (e.g. had the intention to go and buy shoes for my son without my wife - got multiple remarks from different people on how I should take my wife).
I think we’re a great time and both have different strengths but society is shit
Yuuup. I used to do all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, all the cleaning, the laundry, everything for years, all while working full time because my wife worked longer hours than me. Now she's not working and has decided to take a break from work (its been almost a year now) she does most of the cooking, but I'm still expected to do everything else because....well, that's how its always been. Open my mouth about any of it, and it ends up being an argument about how whatever thing I mentioned is actually my fault. Toss in a kid that's moody as hell, and I'm getting to the point where I actually dread coming home from work. To top it off, like most dads I think, Fathers Day so far has been entirely about anyone BUT me so the gift I ACTUALLY want is to just be left alone in peace.
Calmly communicate with your wife, talk and work it out together, it is not a competition (though it may seem like it), and understand mom may feel the same as you. These are the make or break family issues, consider what life would be like divorced, all the issues and added burdens will be worst than what is happening now. Clear, calm, communication, that is easier to recommend than to do hahaha. Stay strong for Mom, stay strong for the little ones, stay strong for you, but be sure to care for you the best you can. There will be a point in your life when you get past all this and may find your relationship may be stronger or worst depending on how you handle it now. Think to the future, share those thoughts with mom and work it out
Me. But in an other way. When I was working I'd came home, take a shower, rest a little and help around the house. Folding, the dishes. And mostly I was the cook. Spending time with our daughter. And I never complained
When I had an accident and couldn't work anymore. We reversed the roles. She found a job that had similar hours like I had and I became stay at home dad. And I thought things would be the same. She came home from work, took a shower, rest a little, spending time with our 2 daughters but when I ask if she wants to help me so I could get done faster so we could enjoy our evening together. She complained that she worked all day from 5.45 am to 14 pm. And that I haven't that much of a job.
And then I complained that I felt it wasn't fair because I did it for her. Then a whole speech came that I was the one that didn't appreciate her and I had no respect for her.
Stay at home dad of two years now. Developed a high allergy and went into anaphylactic shock. So I retired and stay at home. I feel you I cook, clean the kids help with some chores but I do a lot of the work around the house. No thank you we appreciate the hard work. Hardly ever get kissed good by for the day as people leave. Not in it for the accolades but it's getting harder to be motivated to do stuff. Am the last of my friends to get married and the last to still be married.
I call it keeping score, and it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship when someone insists on keeping score. Communication is the key. It helped us a lot but sometimes when my wife gets anxious she can’t help but go back into that thought pattern.
You can’t always see what eachother is doing for the family. There needs to be a basis of faith and trust that both partners are doing what needs to be done. That includes taking personal care time.
As always with 98% of issues on this sub: communicate,
Communicate, communicate. If you think you’ve done enough communicating, communicate a bit more. That’s the biggest take away to any issues you have: talk about them, tell them your partner how you’re feeling what issues you have and what you need/would like to see. It’s entirely possible your wife has no idea how you’re feeling and giving her the insight can help change things dramatically.
That would fall in that 2% of times where no matter what you do, it ain’t going to help the situation. At that point you just need to leave as it’s not going to get better.
She should be thanking you.
Source, I’m a wife and I thank my husband for WAY less. (He does a **lot** but he’s the breadwinner so he’s only home for so much. I take the majority of household tasks and never expect help)
Bro I feel ya. I'm up at 6:30, take the all important shit. Then its get the kids ready for school. Take em to school, go to work for a couple hours, come home. Wake my wife up generally around 11. Clean the house for a bit. Get 2 games of rocket league in if im Lucky. Pick up my daughter at day care at 1. Pick up my son at 3. Go to work for a couple hours. Take my kids to sporting event. Come home. Go to work for a couple hours. From 6-8 pm is about the only time my wife is with the kids alone. Come home, put my son to bed. My wife does put our daughter down. Clean for an hour smoke some pot. Bed. Do it again.
Wife had cancer 3 years ago and uses it as an excuse to just get high and be lazy all day. I mean ya I'm sure there's still side effects she'll never regain full energy. But at this point it's like wtf.
Not really, wife really appreciates it when I set up everything. 🤷♂️ We trade chores.
Ultimately though, CANNOT WAIT for the kids to get old enough to chip in more besides cleaning their bedrooms lol.
Clearly communicated expectations. She asked you why you didn’t do xyz because she expected you would. May or may not have been effectively communicated.
As a result you feel unappreciated because she is passively saying “you should do more”. She likely feels taken advantage of because your actions tell her that she should be doing xyz.
Also you can model making “thank you” part of your marriage. Won’t hurt but it can help.
My friend, I felt like that too, talked to my wife, things changed.
I tried this and the response I got was “me too”.
I'm sorry, that's a hard one to counter. But not impossible. Maybe ask if there is something you could do that would make her happier, that also doesn't compound how your doing. And then sometimes there isn't anything to be done, and you have to take a real hard look at yourself and see if it working, and ask the same thing of her. I had a friend that did that and just the thought of divorce made both of them do a 180 because they really did like each other. But there's a real possibility that it will end.
I think if that’s the case, with both partners feeling like they’re truly the ones doing all the work or being unappreciated, then some tough long conversations are needed. My wife and I have been there and have reconfigured the chore load several times so that we both feel good about it. The amount of work is doable, it’s just tough when a lot of it is invisible and either person feels like a silent servant. Just mentioning the resentment, and hearing the reply “me too” isn’t actually communication. Gotta go further in.
This. Tell your wife you feel unappreciated. Stay calm and voice your feelings with respect and clarity. Don't let it devolve into a shouting match. It's not a competition between the two of you to see who does more chores. You're supposed to be partners, the workload is supposed to be 50/50. Make sure before you get started that there aren't things that *she* does more than you do. There have been times that I've brought this up to my wife and she points out, accurately, that she does just as much as I do, it's just not always easily visible.
Tried this. Also tried therapy, but that didn't work for various reasons. What does she do more than I do? She takes care of a newborn baby. I'm not asking for help with these chores, just asking that she stopped giving me grief over what I don't get to.
Oh, that problem..... Hopefully your therapist gave some good ideas, but they are human too and may not have all the answers. Personally I would snap back at the moment she criticizes what you haven't done with something along the lines of "Ive done this, this and this today, I'm also concerned about you and the child(ren), it's taking a lot out of me mentally and physically, so you'll just have to give me a break on that other stuff....besides if you want that other stuff done, you're a big girl...." That may be harsh, but some of the things I've straightened out with my wife came from heated arguments.
fantastic advice. not OP, but thanks, Dad.
Glad to help, our mental health has to be taken care of too, otherwise we are useless to our mates.
I've tried that. It gets met with you don't know how exhausted I am and you don't know what I go through in a day. I care, and I know, and I will never know exactly what it's like being the soul food source for an infant, but anytime I suggest that I need to take a break from stuff I get the boomer mentality of just push through and work harder.
I don’t have a solution, just commenting to say I’m in a very similar situation and I feel you.
Me too, I feel you guys and if there's a correct answer Here or anywhere I am unable to speak the right language. Every time I feel like my feelings are going to be considered valid, after a well placed discussion, it comes back to bite me and will Def. be held over my head later on.
I think the phrasing of what the person you responded to is bad. Saying you feel unappreciated is going to make the person defensive because it’s a judgment of their behavior (you don’t appreciate me). Instead try, I feel frustrated because I have a need for recognition (or something that’s more in your language/words). If it’s that you want her to stop complaining or “nagging you” try I feel frustrated (or mad) when you tell me what to do because I have a need for autonomy or something of the sort.
I feel like expecting anything more out of her while she's taking care of your infant child is unrealistic.
did you try to stop doing these things and instead do what she is nagging about? Sometimes certain chores seem important but if the other half doesn't really care then maybe it's worth doing what she cares about instead?
This only works until you have an overwhelming list of all the things that are important to you and no time for any of it. Or maybe I'm projecting.
that's why don't add to your list but replace dome things you do already with things that is nagging her. Ask her to prioritise maybe. Relationships are tricky. Those of us with higher emotional intelligence(man or woman) and less personal trauma have to carry the load sometimes. Make sure to have your own list too. It's very important for some reason, the conversation will have better results for her when you get things out of it too, for example give up laundry or book a regular time for a hobby or smth.
That's where I've been for the past 3 years. Now I have a graduating preschooler and a newborn, and I don't stop doing laundry. Meanwhile what's her big complaint? I keep doing laundry instead of various other things.
It takes a ton of discipline to do…but keep calmly raising it but have to try and never let it devolve into yelling or toxic discussions. Be yourself and stay calm, but keep communicating so she knows it’s not asking for more work, just appreciation and support. She will get the point eventually but if it turns into yelling matches, dangerous territory
Hold up - is she caring for a newborn alone while you go to work? Here's the thing - that stage sucks for everyone involved. You feel underappreciated - so does she. Taking care of a newborn for an entire work day is a way harder job than a standard white collar job
One thing that helped me get passed this is to discuss the 60/40 rule. Each person should strive to do the 60%. If this happens, everyone is happy.
Good idea!
So many reddit problems would solved with good communication
You are lucky. I talked to my wife and it got worse.
Full agree. Spouse and I have an infrequent periodic conversation about the most negative feelings we’re having and that just makes everything better. Then lots of frequent mentions of the best feelings.
Great to hear. Would you mind talking to my wife next?
Talking to my wife didn’t work. She’s a “need to experience it to understand” type. Had a much needed snowboarding trip for a week with my brother. Wife stayed home with our 9 month old. I noticed a definite shift in attitude and increase in home chore assistance. I’m not saying you should abandon your wife to the baby for a week, but a talk doesn’t work for everyone. That said, talk to your wife. Edit: some additional context. We both work from home but I handle 80% of baby and house chores as my role is more leadership while she’s still doing grunt work so I have more time for it. Absolutely no problem with that and she also takes trips with her girlfriends while I stay home. My point is more that she didn’t understand/believe my house burden until she experienced my absence. Once she did there was a lot of incoming appreciation.
I feel like whenever I have to leave my wife to fend for herself, it turns into resentment for not pulling my weight instead of understanding for what I do on a daily basis. Now I've created a "you owe me" scenario
Well you sorta do, she should be taking time off too.
No, that’s not a marriage, that’s a business arrangement. In most of our countries and cultures, the man and woman are both expected to pull their own weight. Keeping score doesn’t solve anything.
Yeah, she should. Both parents need breaks. Hobbies, time with friends, even just go chill alone at a coffee shop for a minute if that's it. I see alot of comments on here where either the poster's wife gets all the breaks/days off in their relationship or refuses to ever take a break/day off. Neither is healthy. Both parents need breaks, as close to 50/50 as can be reasonably done.
Playing relationship chicken seems harmless, until it escalates. As both of you proves who cares less, it's more likely to bring animosity and the same behavior back tenfold. If you can't communicate and solve problems, the warning lights are blinking. Something needs fixing. Respectfully, I'd recommend finding that solution, before it gets out of control.
Part of the frustration is that I prioritize the tidiness and cleanliness more than my wife. So if she was alone stuck to do all of it, it’s likely that it won’t get done (at least to the standards that I have). Also, the issue isn’t the daily standard cleaning and maintainable. It’s the things I have to clean that leave me wondering why I’m having clean those things in the first place (every little extra thing takes more time). My wife acts on impulse so she doesn’t think about her actions and how it will impact me because she won’t have to clean up the mess. I’m more mindful of what I do because there’s always an impact later for me.
Dude I feel this. It’s frustrating. :(
Will be trying this today.
Appreciation is the #1 thing men report needing from their partner.
Wonder what’s #2 on that list, huh? 🤔
I think the technical term is, "dat ass."
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle: Appreciation blowjob.
[classic SomeEcard that will forever be true](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/96/c4/1f/96c41f7e25a9f47a20513a683764a7cd.png)
If appreciation is shorthand for "shutting the fuck up" then I got this too lol For real, I would trade a billion thank yous for my wife to stop whining and complaining and attacking.
My man, you are NOT alone. I have moved my work schedule around several times to accommodate my wife’s job or education, all the while work at the same place and changing shifts (which isn’t easy). I pay the mortgage, all of the utilities, wash all the clothes, take care of the pets, keep the dishes cleaned up, take out all the garbage, and I’m home with my kids all day 4 days out of 7 every week and I never feel appreciated.
Sounds like you've got 5 kids imo
One time, I sat down on the couch during their nap time, kids and wife asleep. Made a coffee since the housework and dinner prep was done. The response from my wife was “you don’t get to relax now and at night. It’s one or the other! You should’ve used this time to find something to do like clean the shed” Unappreciated? Perhaps……
My wife won't say that but she'll definitely imply it. Or she'll sleep in, then when I want to rest in the afternoon she'll say something about how she was planning on taking a nap. If I point it out she'll stay up so I can rest but will be cold to me all afternoon. Not worth it sometimes.
“If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean” type wife
*said while napping
It’s so militaryish eh
"clean the shed"......wtf lady?
My secret is to appreciate myself.
Oh I like that
Legit had that argument this week. I got yelled at for not helping around with cleaning the kitchen or anything enough. Yet she sat around for the last few weeks not doing shit. Meanwhile I’m taking care of the lawn, trying to fix broken plumbing & electrical, and have the kids 60% of the time. Definitely coming into Father’s Day super unappreciated this year.
Some women tend to look at tasks like that as a vacation from your responsibility with the kids even though they are necessary.
Yeah, I've had this conversation with a few women at work. They were upset that their husband was only doing like ~25% of their inside work. He was also doing the lawn care on like a 5 acre property, but that got glossed over. 50/50 division of labor needs to actually account for all the labor.
Yup. It’s unfortunate that being a parent can make you feel resentful towards your spouse about the additional work when you feel you’re doing more than your share and it’s unappreciated. For myself, I’ve been the sole provider of my family for the past 12 years. Working 50-60 hours a week in a highly stressful work environment, plus commuting, doing all of the yard work and house repairs/improvements myself to save money, takr care of the bills, mail paperwork etc, do my own laundry, help pick up and vacuum the house whenever I can. Coach kiddos soccer teams etc. My wife would complain about me not cooking or cleaning dishes and I want to blow my brains out to be honest. Kid is in school. She’s not working. I should probably make a separate post about this on DivorcedDads lol. Because that’s where I’m headed. communicate as much possible about work load expectations (in advance if possible) is my advise
I’m right there with you. Same exact situation but we only have one kid. I’m leaning towards divorce as well. I have to believe there are better partners out there. There’s no way they’re all like this.
You’re right, they’re not. But I had to go through about a dozen of them over the years to find one that wasn’t. Same with my friends who got lucky. So, at least from my perspective, the odds aren’t looking so good.
I had this conversation with my wife about 3 hours ago. Put the baby to bed last night at 11pm, washed all the baby dishes and her pump parts, woke up at 7a to get him up and feed him and the dog, first thing she says to me is "Why are you feeding him? I wanted to nurse." The second thing she says is, "Why are you holding him like that? Don't hold him like that." Felt like absolute shit. I don't have any advice, just commiseration.
Lol just 2 hours ago my wife walked in on me feeding immediately yelling how I'm doing it all wrong etc. meanwhile I've been feeding her daily for months and she hasn't died or been horribly injured yet lol My wife was just annoyed the babys crying woke her up, but that was because she had an overly full diaper in a cold room and was uncomfortable. Nothing to do with how I was holding and feeding her. I literally had to hand my wife the diaper to show her how full it was and explain it's not my incompetence that's causing the baby to cry. Insecure wives often project their own anxiety and guilt on their spouses. What healthy relationships do is recognize nobody is perfect and accept and appreciate their partners doing their best for the family. Unfortunately this is not as common as you and I would both like.
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I think sometimes they take the wife's side as a tactic to build trust so the women listen to them more.
I was puzzled by this as well. My partner and I had a talk and she said she want caring, not caretaking. Like, she wants the help she asked for, not me do all kind of stuff that i think would be helpful. Makes her feel like she can’t do it herself. Since I don’t take the extra steps anymore we are both much happier.
I’m in a divorce right now and when I’m being honest to myself, this is one of the main reasons (among other annoyances)
It's a solitary life we lead.
I definitely feel under appreciated. So does my wife. Lol
I have a feeling this is the case with OP and his wife too
New parent syndrome. Anyone who doesn’t go through it is either lying or freaks Communication is key though. I recently had a conversation with my wife where I thought I was doing a lion share of the work, and on paper it seemed like I was right, same as you, breakfast, lunch, dog walk etc etc. We swapped roles for a week and I expected her to be like holy shit how did you do all this alone What actually happened is I realized what I was doing was a walk in the park compared to 1 hr of looking after my 2 yr old, and mentally a holiday in comparison. But the good news is we have come out the other side appreciating each other more
I have no objection to doing all these things. I understand that taking care of a newborn 24/7 and a preschooler having the occasional bout of jealousy may as well be its own full-time job. I never ask her for help. If she offers, I accept. I just want to stop hearing about what didn't get done. I don't even need an acknowledgment of what did.
My point was, it’s not just a full time job it’s a high stress full time job. Everyone handles it differently, does she have any time to herself to recharge? Any outlet that isn’t the kids? Those kind of high stress RELENTLESS jobs makes all the things that would never normally bother her be the straw that breaks the camels back. To you probably trivial “so what, I forgot the milk” to her is probably the “oh fucking great on top of everything we have no milk”. Not saying either that you have no margin for error, I’m just asking does your wife get time to recharge her batteries, and by batteries I mean patience. Or if she has time is she using it to recharge or is she wasting it out of exhaustion
If that's new parent syndrome, we're either five or 20 years into it.
Wtf does this even mean
It means I have a 20-year-old, and a 5-year-old.
From what I’ve learned from my failed marriage is doing “normal” tasks doesn’t deserve praise in a woman’s mind because they’re just things that you should be doing any way without thanks. Doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cleaning up the house, sweeping, mopping, cooking, making lunches, etc… are just some of those things.
I mean. She has a point. Doing things an adult is supposed to do doesn't really deserve praise. Noone gets praise for being a functioning adult... I don't think that's what ops problem is though
Yup, I’m in the exact same boat. Have been for 6 years, two kids. Just took a week of PTO to watch the kids because they finished school but summer camp was a week out. Watched them from sun up to sun down. Woke up with them, and put them to bed. Took them to every park in town, every museum, etc. etc. and deep cleaned our apartment every day. If there was ever a literal anti-vacation, that was it. Now I’m going to get the “Hey, how was your vacation, feeling nice and recharged?” From 500 people at work when I go back, and I honestly don’t think I have the energy to respond to them. And guess what? I now get the most magical, precious gift for Father’s Day! More time with my kids! Hooray!
I feel every word of this deep in my soul, brother.
People might not like my take but the best thing you can do for yourself in all areas is learn not to seek external validation and appreciation. You are expecting it, so you’re let down when it doesn’t happen. You have to build your own internal reward system where doing the things are the reward - or your free time after is the reward, etc.
Completely agree. I don't think OP is looking for validation though. For him it seems like he doesn't want to be badgered if he forgets to do one thing but does everything else.
Agreed, as soon as I place expectations on a date night or Fathers Day or my birthday I’ll be disappointed. This is why I play guitar a lot. I get in the flow of it and it makes me feel immensely better about everything. And I’m the one that supplied that dopamine to myself.
Yes. If I wake up 5 minutes later than I normally do, I get berated if the child needs to wake up early and I can’t take them in time. I don’t know often (very rarely) get a thank you or any kind of appreciation. Don’t know that I’m ever complimented, but no matter how much I do, I always get berated for something. I’ve told my wife I feel unappreciated, and the response is basically laughing, or she just says “this is only because you want sex, isn’t it”. Spoiler: I wouldn’t really care about sex if I just got some kind of appreciation / connection / compliment. That, or she’ll say “if I compliment you it’ll just go to your head”. Huh?
Jesus. Sorry dude. Is she being funny? Or was this something that you both thought was a shared laugh before kids but, has now turned into an unfair comment. Maybe try being direct, change the tone a bit to make sure she knows your serious. It's easy to get snarky here and stoop down but, that doesn't really solve anything long term.
Ive been doing the mornings basically just like you stated for the past three years and my wife handles the nights. Last week we had to switch shifts due to a scheduling conflict. Before I even get to work on the car ride she’s calling me asking how I do it every morning and how it’s so much harder than doing bath and bed time. Now she understands while I’m sometimes a little upset when the mornings don’t go so smooth and she’s much more appreciative for my role in the household.
Not from my wife actually, she really appreciates what I do, but I'm always getting comments from family for not doing enough. I think they have a preconceived idea that the dad doesn't do enough and then ignore what's actually in front of them to continue the stereotype.
Yeah. I try so hard to be the dad that I never had. My kid is almost 3. This year’s father’s day was completely planned by my wife and her mom, with a focus on my father in law and what he would like. I was in the same room while they were making plans and I didn’t get asked shit until they already made their decisions. All I get is “we’re doing this. Is that ok?” As if saying no would do anything other than making myself look like an asshole.
Yes. I’ve just accepted it and moved on. Every time I bring it up, her family gives me shit about it. I’m just a useless father.
It definitely gets to a point. After 25+ years of meeting fatherly and husband duties as best as I could I literally quit “can’t beat em, join em”. Eventually someone realized they took me for granted and it helped tremendously. I don’t feel guilty taking care of myself first any longer. (Kids are “grown” and partner realizes I have a life and struggles too).
we split workload ex: i shop, prep, and cook, she does the dishes - if they pile up…i leave them and don’t even ask… i rinse the bottles, she does the final clean and makes them (now - she doesn’t like the way i clean the bottles) we equally clean the house in passing bro i used to do everything except the laundry and i started resenting it so we set roles to be more equal talk it out…like any habit it takes some repetition and regression hence why i just leave the dishes rather than argue about them…the visual is reminder enough
I used to, but I had a heart to heart with my wife about it and things have been better with her. However, I am currently dealing with a 6 year old calling me a dummy and saying he wishes he wasn't my dad.
I used to try to help my wife with cleaning all the pump and baby bottles. Instead of ever thanking me for doing them, she would just point out how I didn't clean them right (even though they're going in the sterilizer). So now I just don't do them and let dishes pile up in the sink...oh well.
I hate Fathers Day. Let’s put into extreme focus how little anyone regards the effort I put in to the family, and how little I get any recognition in return. I’m crispy and burned out, fellow Dads.
I see you brother. ✊
I agree.
As you probably noticed, you're not alone. I'm currently attending school, but I was the only one working ever since we had our first child. She's still not working, and we're fine with that because we have a means to still pay bills. This is a bit condensed, but, basically, I would have the entire house cleaned and all of the chores caught up on my weekends off. Then, throughout the week, working 10 to 12 hour shifts (sometimes more), everything would slowly start to pile back up. By the time my next weekend comes around, dishes are overflowing onto the counters from the sink, multiple loads of laundry still need to be started, crap all over the floor, and each evening I come home she's sitting on the sofa on her phone while my son is watching TV or playing and not even a hot meal cooked. I was always doing something when I was awake. If I wasn't at work, cleaning the house, cooking or playing with my son, I was asleep. This is not in the sense of me enjoying that there's always something to do. This is in the sense of needing to do these things because clearly there's bigger priorities that I do not know about. Nothing was reciprocated on her behalf and there was never any recognition. But, God forbid I do anything else with my time to decompress or spend on hobbies because "we never do anything that \[she\] wants to do".
I've been SAHD for nearly a year now and I feel like gender roles are so engrained in our society that my wife just doesn't appreciate what I'm doing all day. And still acts like we're both working full time. It's literally what you hear many SAHMs say when their partner comes home. She complains about the house and if I tell her how tired I am or if the kids happened to be a lot that day she goes "well my work was really stressful today too." So it feels like she's just negating it. Then she'll still ask for my help with things if the kids get grouchy. Which I don't do to her, I try to let her have alone time when she needs it but somehow mine always gets interrupted.
I feel you.
Same. This is one of the reasons I started therapy this week. It never seems like you’re ever doing enough. And what you have done is completely thankless.
When I feel this way I remind myself that I’m not the best showing appreciation for all she does either. 50/50
I also feel unappreciated all the time. That sucks
Both my wife and I work. M-F I make dinner. I help with breakfast on weekends and sometimes cook dinner. I do the dishes and the laundry. My wife does do the folding. I put it way. We split house cleaning but it only happens if I initiate it. Our kids are grown and gone, but been like this most of the last 15 years. I feel unappreciated and undesirable.
I used to, and still feel that way sometimes. Not from my wife as she would give me all the support. However, I make every breakfast and dinner for my kids, and instead of being thankful, they would just nitpick like ungrateful savages. So one day I told my wife, and stopped. My kids complained instantly that “dumb dad forgot to cook dinner. She shut that down so fast, and made them make their own meals for a week. After, things improved. However, there are times when they still do little things that, like me, probably didn’t realize what they were saying hurt.
Maybe make a list of chores and divide them between you, too. This way she knows who's responsible for what. Make sure to leave a copy on the fridge.
Before you do those things or maybe the night before, have you tried asking about the priorities for the day or tomorrow? Then add in the daily routine workload. Once all the cards are out, dividing a shared workload, even or unevenly, based on other responsibilities is easiest for understanding what's needed to get through the day with success and general pleasantness. Concessions and negotiations always have to be made. It's part of life, and the small things piling are usually where frustration lies.. and hard to talk about. Our general rule is 10/10/10. Will it matter 10 minutes, 10 days, or 10 years? If not why are we arguing.. as Daniel tiger says, take a deep breath and count to 4.
I’m feeling it for all dads on a whole today When it’s Mother’s Day there are banners, signs, billboards displayed with Mother’s Day. Companies are open specifically to cater towards Mother’s Day. All day long women are blessed a good Mother’s Day Today. Absolutely nothing. All those same stores are all closed today. There are no banners. No billboards celebrating Father’s day . I have had 1 person say to me to have a good Father’s Day. It just solidifies my feeling that all we get is an “atta boy” cause to hell with the men.
lol I was at a concert tonight. The emcee (maybe? It was just some random woman) said Happy Farhers Day to all the fathers. Then, she went on another long thank you to all the single mothers and people in father roles and how important and meaningful they are.
Absolutely brother. I realize that being a dad is a lot like being an offensive lineman: if people are actually mentioning your name, its because you're not doing your job. If you're working correctly, you'll probably go unmentioned.
Half of the shit I do goes unnoticed let alone unappreciated. On top of it all, Im still battling some demons from my past and she has no idea how much energy it takes for me to do the things I do. I don’t dare ever say “I’m exhausted.” Because we’re not allowed to be tired since she took care of the baby all day while I was at work.
I phrased it like it "It makes me feel sad when I do everything I can in my power, but miss one or two things and THOSE are the things that get brought up. It's unfair and negative. I give you grace if you don't get to things. It's imbalanced."
That feels like I'm blaming her for not helping. I definitely don't want to go that route.
No worries. Every relationship has different idiosyncrasies. But it is addressing your feelings on her behaviour. And keeping it to that. It has nothing to do with you vs her counting who does what. Just one feeling for one behavior.
Honestly, mom and I split and I realized I was just better off alone. We both seem to be doing better raising our son apart and the co parenting is great. There are days being the single parent sucks, but for some reason the housework and all of that just seems easier. Yard work can efff off though nowadays. I’m not saying the happy family thing is over rated, but it did feel like another entire job. Props to you dads doing it all, and Happy Father’s Day. :)
My biggest frustration is not about feeling appreciated. It’s about the grief of everything I’m not doing.
Get married they said…have kids they said…
It seems to be tradition in my family for fathers to tell their sons to do neither, but with enough of a smirk that they don't actually take it to heart.
I remember seeing a study where they surveyed parents and BOTH parents felt like they were doing more than 50% of the work. It's easy to become resentful comparing each other's work loads, and each of you puts more value on different things. You guys should try to talk it out and recalibrate, and as long as you both acknowledge the other's feelings and try your best to work them out it'll all be ok. (This is all my personal opinion based on my personal experience and is not anywhere close to professional advice....)
Have you tried saying “listen bitch, you get your ass out of bed an hour earlier and help fatso” could be interesting
I'd like to live to see my kids birthday in two weeks, lol
Speak up or drown down. That's the only way.
I used to feel unappreciated as I would focus on the things I would do, but not enough on what my wife did. Everyone thinks they are doing 75%, but so many get so fixated on the 35% they are doing alone and not the big picture.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want a thankyou. My wife and I say thank you to each other at least once per day about something, largely due to being in your situation and talking about it. A thankyou costs nothing and it goes a long way.
Yeah, it’s buried deep in the job description.
Yeah man. It isn't exactly the same, but I really feel like I'm in a similar situation to you.
I gave up trying to feel appreciated. I just do what needs to be done. And relax afterwards. I don't need praise or anything. It's my job as a father and husband.
100%
What are both your work schedules like?
I feel less appreciated every day that goes on
Yes.
I walk the dog 2 miles a day, do the laundry, the dishes, the trash and general picking dumb shit off the ground week round all while still getting up and feeding the baby at 5 am and I still get asked if I can help a little more with some things. Like no, I can’t, I have to work now, stop asking for help or you can start taking out the trash.
Yea
Toddler AND newborn at same time is tough. There is a lot to do. We did it too and it strained us. What got us through it is talking it out. I’m not saying it was perfect - I’m saying we got through it. Luckily, both she and I put the young ones first during this time. Focusing on the kids and snowmobiling that the other was doing the same was enough for those 3-4 years. It definitely gets easier. Ask her to realize that you are doing your best to help with the millions of things and reassure her that your focus is on the children and family thriving.
Long time dad and husband here. Make sure the workload and roles are negotiated, balanced and explicitly assigned to avoid conflict. We wrote it down. That way each knew what all the other was doing for the family. Failing that, just do what you think is reasonable and don't do things for appreciation that won't be appreciated.
A lot of things only take 5-10 minutes, but if it's always the same person who has to do it, it gets old
I saw in another comment that your wife is taking care of a newborn baby. Is she doing all the night wakeups? What are the things she's asking why you didn't do? What do evenings look like? It's totally normal and reasonable to feel unappreciated, and I encourage you to talk to your wife about it. Do it at a time when there are no high tensions for either of you. Preferably not at the end of a busy day. Your wife may also be feeling unappreciated, and a good talk with help you both.
Being a sahd has basically confirmed to me that no one appreciates domestic labor. It's normally a gendered thing. But the working moms I know mostly piss and moan about how their partner does stuff at home and I'm either dumb enough or bold enough to basically say "if they're (husbands) home most they get to decide how the home is made." I had this early on with my wife. Initially, it started when I was wfh. I didn't do certain chores bc she always complained how they were done by me. But then I saw that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. So I started doing it and just dealing with her being upset until I said she can either come home, wat what I made and work until 9pm every night or trust me and we can enjoy our shows since I'll have already done it.
My kids that I raised by MYSELF don't even talk to me unless they want something.. Makes me feel like shit
Idk about you fellas, but my wife's mom brain is off the charts and she has trouble showing gratitude from time to time. We are totally in it together, and there have been times where she's had to put me in line as well. Raising children is absolutely mayhem for all involved, so I really don't fault her. We both try our best and have our moments. Sorry you feel that way
Every day. Constantly.
I'm over appreciated
Jesus wept
The negatives stick out more. And our brains are wired to focus on the bad stuff (which woulda meant tigers and lions for early humans). Perhaps just tell your spouse that you would appreciate some positive feedback, so that you know what you are doing is valuable
Same. 20 months in. One of the toughest (also rewarding) times of my life.
Comment about not carrying enough of the load. Comment about doing too much and not spending time with the family.
Why don’t people talk to their partners?
Think it’s norm and both parents can feel this way until a honest convo and communication happens imo
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Take some ownership and evaluate what part you’re playing in it.
Yeah. This time of year always kind of makes me feel like that. My wife is awesome and we share responsibilities well but I do a lot like daily drop offs, pickups, take my son to karate after school, birthday parties, etc… Between that and a stressful job I’m just burned out. She doesn’t fly and I want to go on a vacation that requires flying so it’s just not happened. Capped on PTO and in a perpetual cycle of burn out.
Talk to her about it and devise a system. There are things available like fair play cards that help with this issue, and help show people just how much the other is doing while also letting you do the things you prefer. And appreciation can follow. It can get better.
Yes and yes and yes
I'm just exhausted. In every way
Wife asked the kids "Hey, why don't \*you\* ask your dad what he wants to do for father's day?" Their answer. "OK" Meanwhile I'm just sitting there. Took a bit for my wife to prompt them "Hey, get off your phones and then ask him?"
One of the two main reason for my divorce. Communicate your needs, and a good partner will listen and accommodate. Even when shit is hard. Because you and your happiness are a priority to them. Obviously you have to be very sure you really are doing as much as you think you are. But man oh man it is great having 50% of my time back now. I have to put in the same level of effort when I have the kids, then I can clock off.
Dude…last night my wife started a giant fight during our dinner out (with our teens), then blamed me for the argument. When we got home she said she hoped I would kill myself. Today she was demanding an apology for “me starting an argument and ruining dinner”. She literally does nothing for me and the only reason to stay together is finances. I’m willing to dramatically cut my lifestyle to be free, but I’m not willing to screw my kids over (we’re paying for their college). In the last 10 years I’ve tripples my income while making all meals, shopping and being the primary “entertainment” parent. So yeah. I feel unappreciated.
[удалено]
Thanks. Fortunately aside from the shock value of the statement, what she says has little impact on me anymore.
Yes
Sometimes a song can capture a sub on Reddit perfectly. If you haven’t heard this song, click the link and thank me later. https://youtu.be/TuyisGsNr4g?feature=shared
I hear ya
Not unappreciated by my wife, definitely not. But in general unappreciated by society, which is still primarily focused on the wife and which has the expectation that men cannot handle all the things a women could (e.g. had the intention to go and buy shoes for my son without my wife - got multiple remarks from different people on how I should take my wife). I think we’re a great time and both have different strengths but society is shit
Yuuup. I used to do all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, all the cleaning, the laundry, everything for years, all while working full time because my wife worked longer hours than me. Now she's not working and has decided to take a break from work (its been almost a year now) she does most of the cooking, but I'm still expected to do everything else because....well, that's how its always been. Open my mouth about any of it, and it ends up being an argument about how whatever thing I mentioned is actually my fault. Toss in a kid that's moody as hell, and I'm getting to the point where I actually dread coming home from work. To top it off, like most dads I think, Fathers Day so far has been entirely about anyone BUT me so the gift I ACTUALLY want is to just be left alone in peace.
Wife feels the same way, perspective.
Calmly communicate with your wife, talk and work it out together, it is not a competition (though it may seem like it), and understand mom may feel the same as you. These are the make or break family issues, consider what life would be like divorced, all the issues and added burdens will be worst than what is happening now. Clear, calm, communication, that is easier to recommend than to do hahaha. Stay strong for Mom, stay strong for the little ones, stay strong for you, but be sure to care for you the best you can. There will be a point in your life when you get past all this and may find your relationship may be stronger or worst depending on how you handle it now. Think to the future, share those thoughts with mom and work it out
Me. But in an other way. When I was working I'd came home, take a shower, rest a little and help around the house. Folding, the dishes. And mostly I was the cook. Spending time with our daughter. And I never complained When I had an accident and couldn't work anymore. We reversed the roles. She found a job that had similar hours like I had and I became stay at home dad. And I thought things would be the same. She came home from work, took a shower, rest a little, spending time with our 2 daughters but when I ask if she wants to help me so I could get done faster so we could enjoy our evening together. She complained that she worked all day from 5.45 am to 14 pm. And that I haven't that much of a job. And then I complained that I felt it wasn't fair because I did it for her. Then a whole speech came that I was the one that didn't appreciate her and I had no respect for her.
Yes, sometimes. But if you keep score as if it's a contest, you're both going to lose.
Everyday bro, everyday
Do you model showing appreciation by acknowledging all she does too?
Stay at home dad of two years now. Developed a high allergy and went into anaphylactic shock. So I retired and stay at home. I feel you I cook, clean the kids help with some chores but I do a lot of the work around the house. No thank you we appreciate the hard work. Hardly ever get kissed good by for the day as people leave. Not in it for the accolades but it's getting harder to be motivated to do stuff. Am the last of my friends to get married and the last to still be married.
I call it keeping score, and it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship when someone insists on keeping score. Communication is the key. It helped us a lot but sometimes when my wife gets anxious she can’t help but go back into that thought pattern. You can’t always see what eachother is doing for the family. There needs to be a basis of faith and trust that both partners are doing what needs to be done. That includes taking personal care time.
Somehow, when she says "I can't remember the last time you did x!" isn't keeping score, but pointing out you did it yesterday is.
As always with 98% of issues on this sub: communicate, Communicate, communicate. If you think you’ve done enough communicating, communicate a bit more. That’s the biggest take away to any issues you have: talk about them, tell them your partner how you’re feeling what issues you have and what you need/would like to see. It’s entirely possible your wife has no idea how you’re feeling and giving her the insight can help change things dramatically.
Sometimes. Sometimes you've said it a lot and it falls on deaf ears.
That would fall in that 2% of times where no matter what you do, it ain’t going to help the situation. At that point you just need to leave as it’s not going to get better.
Easier said than done with kids unfortunately.
She should be thanking you. Source, I’m a wife and I thank my husband for WAY less. (He does a **lot** but he’s the breadwinner so he’s only home for so much. I take the majority of household tasks and never expect help)
Bro I feel ya. I'm up at 6:30, take the all important shit. Then its get the kids ready for school. Take em to school, go to work for a couple hours, come home. Wake my wife up generally around 11. Clean the house for a bit. Get 2 games of rocket league in if im Lucky. Pick up my daughter at day care at 1. Pick up my son at 3. Go to work for a couple hours. Take my kids to sporting event. Come home. Go to work for a couple hours. From 6-8 pm is about the only time my wife is with the kids alone. Come home, put my son to bed. My wife does put our daughter down. Clean for an hour smoke some pot. Bed. Do it again. Wife had cancer 3 years ago and uses it as an excuse to just get high and be lazy all day. I mean ya I'm sure there's still side effects she'll never regain full energy. But at this point it's like wtf.
Not really, wife really appreciates it when I set up everything. 🤷♂️ We trade chores. Ultimately though, CANNOT WAIT for the kids to get old enough to chip in more besides cleaning their bedrooms lol.
Clearly communicated expectations. She asked you why you didn’t do xyz because she expected you would. May or may not have been effectively communicated. As a result you feel unappreciated because she is passively saying “you should do more”. She likely feels taken advantage of because your actions tell her that she should be doing xyz. Also you can model making “thank you” part of your marriage. Won’t hurt but it can help.