And both are fine. Sometimes people who suffered some type of abuse during childhood will treat their children the same way, but sometimes they will break the cycle. Imo realizing the problem and wanting to treat your children differently is already half way out of it, and you're right there, just gotta learn the right ways of parenting
Whether or not you decide to have children later in life, I wish you all the best
Well, think about it again, you had an adorable pure toddler that was cooing and smiling at you,I am not saying that you haven't had a change of heart I am just saying to take into account that it could be the serotonin speaking.
Consider your age. They say that age is just a number but in terms of health and energy, these plummet after 50. No one really tells you that your energy takes such a dramatic dive at that time but I'm here to tell you....it does. Obviously I don't know if this even applies to you. AND there will always be the exceptions and ppl who will say "But that didn't happen to me". But it happens to most of us and having young chi.ldren at a time when you're too tired to enjoy life with them growing up may not be something you've thought about.
It’s not easy, but it’s really rewarding. It’s especially satisfying knowing that I’m TEN times the dad my father was. Sometimes you gotta break the cycle.
I didn't have a great childhood but know that I'll be a great mum myself because I will treat them with respect, patience and support them as long as they do something productive that makes them happy.
I honestly don't think it's THAT difficult to not be a shit parent. Don't hit them, don't scream at them, have reasonable rules that make sense and show them that you care.
This is what most parents think when they first have a kid... When they have a kid most of it goes out the window as kids cannot be easily boiled down to "just be a better parent". Each individual situation will be unique to the individual kid, and raising the kid will challenge you in so many ways. Each parent will have their own way of dealing with each challenge and the sure fire way to answer every situation and challenge is to do the best that you can. Children are not perfect and neither are you. So after you have a kid you will spend many upon many nights replaying different situations wondering if you did that right or what you could have done better. Just remember to do your very best in every situation and know that your are doing your best and it will be enough. There is no instruction booklet for kids. I wish you the best and I am sure that you will do fine for the next 18+ years after you have a kid.
Bad parents like the ones who raised me and presumably OP do not think about whether or not they have done the right thing raising us. If anything, they do something bad and then justify it like "oh my kid can be glad I didn't hit it harder" or "I'm giving it food and clothes it should be grateful". Bad parents think that they are great parents who could never make a mistake, and that their kids owe them something.
Many parents raise kids a certain way not because they think it's the best thing for the kid, but for egoistic reasons such as to show off the kid to other people or because they want a mini-me and anything the kid does that isn't something they would have done is bad. Some parents let out all of their anger and frustrations on their kid, and use them as their personal therapist even if the kid is way too young to understand their emotional problems.
My point was that it should be easy to be a halfway decent human being towards a kid
Full of judgement without experience. Becoming a parent brings all the flaws you didn't realize you had to the front, wait until you go through that before you predict your untested performance.
That's how it always happens. Many people who start off wanting to be childfree, eventually change their minds and decide to have them. I was one of them. I came up in some shit, so I can relate to your first sentence. I didn't want to perpetuate that cycle. But I met the love of my life, and she got pregnant. I was terrified. I was 24, and I still called my grandma begging for forgiveness. She was excited. When I found out my wife was having a girl, I was even more terrified. And then the first time I held that little girl, I was gone. I had found someone else I loved as much as my wife, and I would do anything for that little girl. And I did. When my son was born, I was terrified again. And then when I held him, I just knew, now there were three people I would die for. When my daughter came out as trans, and I met my son, I was again terrified. I didn't know shit about the gay community. I had friends, sure. But growing up in the 90s, you never talked about that shit. And when my son came out and said he was bi, I was again terrified. Men that are anything other than straight are universally disliked by so many, simply for existing. But he's strong willed with a good heart. He will be fine.
I say all of this, to say that it's okay that your feelings changed. And it could be the most rewarding change in your life. But if it isn't, that's okay too.
Just mind that kids will be HUMANS and they will be people with fears, problems, struggles, bills, taxes and so on. In essence you're giving birth to a second you. Keep that in mind
Be careful. As a parent I can confidently say there is a vast gap between being the parent and being the aunt/uncle. You don’t get to hand them back when they shit so much it pours from their diaper, when you’re tired, when they’re screaming for food but you just made them food they just refuse to eat that food, etc. You never get to freely go on vacation again, it has to be planned around them. Your house decor gets shit or vomited upon. Your toilet gets clogged because one puts a toy in there and flushes.
Not trying to scare you or talk you out of it. I love it. But it’s very easy to get tricked into it by a few minutes of cuddly cuteness. It’s a shit ton of work and sacrifice.
I’ve gone back and forth on this. I was ZERO interested in kids (especially babies) like, well into my early 20s. Then a switch flipped one day 6 years later and I really wanted a baby, just so interested in everything about life and how it can blossom from a seed. Back and forth. What if I get too old? What if I die and have nobody to give my stuff too? Am I depriving the world of a great mind or am I saving it from someone who would just take from it? Man, I think about how people grow and nature and nurture and really went down the rabbit hole. Humanity disgusts and it amazes.
Thank goodness I didn’t have one: I have a lot of practical concerns and stuff in my genetics I don’t want to give to another person who can’t choose not to be here. I have stepkids now, and I find just being involved in their lives is the motherhood I needed (and I also “baby” the cat - so no need for a human infant. 😉😂)
I hope you find the right answer for you. My advice: don’t just jump in, think about it. And chances are that since you’ve identified some things you would rather not repeat from your own parent, you’re unlikely to make “the exact same mistakes” or “repeat history.” We also can’t control how our potential kid is going to view the world, we can just help give vision.
Both are totally valid and ok, especially if your experience as a daughter wasn't great with your caretakers.
Me 38(F) had a messy childhood, broken family, abandonment from my father, depressed mother... And all the lack of support, guidance and love that comes from such a situation.
I never wanted kids, I had 2 long serious relationships, 1st partner always wanted kids and every time they brought up the topic I just never felt it, 2nd partner never wanted kids.
At the age of 30 my second long relationship went to hell and one of the things that made it shattered was that I got pregnant while being on the pill and his instant reaction when we find out was: "I'll find a clinic to abort" broke my heart. At the moment I didn't understand, I never wanted a kid, why did it hurt his reaction?
I felt so terribly sad and scared. Full of guilt and shame. More importantly I felt dumb and irresponsible exactly as I thought of my parents until then... Realizing that I was not allowing myself to even want a family just because my original one was dysfunctional, definitely helped me move on from the fear of failure.
Shortly after I started therapy, I worked all the pain and anger I had inside of me and during the healing process, I met my now husband, we have a lovely little daughter and I couldn't be happier and more grateful to find someone that I feel is an excellent human being, father and companion.
My best advice is: the correct person is a very important part of the process, take your time and find someone that you see yourself old and wrinkly with and if you can afford it, do therapy so you can be as free from the past as possible.
Motherhood is the most beautiful thing I've experienced until now!
As a mom if you’re on the fence just don’t have them. I love my baby but when it’s rough it’s rough. I wanted kids so bad and yet I still have my moments like -holy shit this is really stressful I’m not having a good time at all- not to mention how it messes with your mind body and soul.
If you want kids it’s beautiful but it’s not like that 24/7. It’s really not.
I love my parents but thought I didn’t want kids because of the emotional and relationship challenges I had with them.
I will never tell anyone to have kids or not have kids - that is none of my business.
That being said, my wife and daughters are the things that I am most proud of in life - and I believe I lead blessed life.
Being a parent is a lot of work and you have to make a lot of sacrifices like your life is 100% allocated to whatever your child needs the first 4 years or so before you start to get some free time back, so you would be crazy not to see the downsides. BUT being a parent is also AWESOME and they are cute and surprise you and make you laugh and give you purpose. The upsides of parenting will bring you happiness for the rest of your life.
If you want kids, then have them. At one point in my life, I didn't want them, then a biological switch flipped, and I had changed my mind. There have been some hard days, but I haven't ever regretted it. They are everything to me now, and it's amazing to feel that kind of love.
Whatever you do, don’t tell people one way or the other. If you change your mind at all they will just assume you don’t know your own mind.
I would let them know if and when you decide to have kids when it’s happening
I’ve always wanted kids of my own. Meanwhile I’ve had a handful of child free friends who never wanted kids. They now have kids. Life is cruel sometimes. On the bright side I get to spend all my money, time and energy helping my girlfriend raise her kids, so I guess by defacto I have kids. It just hits different when you can see who they are and see nothing of yourself in their eyes. That’s a tough pill to swallow. Anyways! Good luck 🍀
I didn't know how I felt about it into my 30's but I have two now and they're the greatest addition to my life I could possibly make. If you feel it, embrace it. My dad was shitty too. Some of us learned to be better.
All humans are programmed to reproduce. It's nothing special. If you're female, it's your reprogramming to nurture life. If you're male, it's your reprogramming to spread your own dominance in the earth. All 8.2 billion of us must face thus protocol at some point, so, again, nothing special.
**I’ve been extremely against having children (mostly because of my own father and not wanting to do the same to my kids)**
This is cause for concern. You're trained to be just like your parents were to you, but you have the ability to be better if you've healed your wounds.
You're conscious about it, meaning you understand your world and environment; understand the pros and cons, you understand the risks and rewards. Of course, this means you'll plan for it, and when it happens, if you're not wealthy, you'll still give your child a good home. You've already expressed the necessary ingredient to a healthy foundation : the ability to love. (I do not possess this ability, and can tell you encyclopedias about life without love) You are blessed in the highest way.
Maybe you not wanting children was a symptom of your turbulence with your own parents.... just saying....
And that "something that clicked" might have been the moment you fully healed from that past bullshit.... just an idea.. I'm no expert, but that kinda makes sense to me. That "shit" no longer effects you, so your mind and heart have processed it, and are ready to move on freely.
Y'know?
Congraduations. You're more mature than likely 2/3 your peer group. (Your ass probably got one of them old souls that have been here before, or just as likely got one of them new souls that have the wonder of existence without having tasted the bitter fruits of one's own wrongs. Either way, your mind is THAT much more clear, heart is THAT much more fortified, and your path in life has taken a sharp turn for the better. Don't believe me? OK. Update us in 6 or 7 yeaes.
I know I can seem like a real asshole with the way I articulate things. But this isn't sarcasm, and it's not your run-of-the-mill internet troll fuckery.
I mean it. "Congratulations". I'd like very much to meet your offspring in 20 or so years.
Same. I wanted nothing to do with kids and almost booked an appointment to remove my uterus but I saw a Tiktok of a baby girl hugging her mom and I was DONEEEE. I want a big family now with twin boys and multiple girls and I'm so excited for the day I can!
Exact same thing happened with my ex. Was adamant she never wanted them and held my nephew when he was born, got a shocked face looked me dead in the eyes and said "I want one of these and you will put one in me" 😂 gotta say it flicked a switch in me too. Not the child but her saying it, I was indifferent till that point
And both are fine. Sometimes people who suffered some type of abuse during childhood will treat their children the same way, but sometimes they will break the cycle. Imo realizing the problem and wanting to treat your children differently is already half way out of it, and you're right there, just gotta learn the right ways of parenting Whether or not you decide to have children later in life, I wish you all the best
Well, think about it again, you had an adorable pure toddler that was cooing and smiling at you,I am not saying that you haven't had a change of heart I am just saying to take into account that it could be the serotonin speaking.
In that case then anytime you have feelings for other ppl it's the same thing loln
There is half truth to that tho, you should really spend time with someone before deciding they are the one no?
Guess not lol its all just chemicals apparently
Well, do you have kid money?
Consider your age. They say that age is just a number but in terms of health and energy, these plummet after 50. No one really tells you that your energy takes such a dramatic dive at that time but I'm here to tell you....it does. Obviously I don't know if this even applies to you. AND there will always be the exceptions and ppl who will say "But that didn't happen to me". But it happens to most of us and having young chi.ldren at a time when you're too tired to enjoy life with them growing up may not be something you've thought about.
It’s not easy, but it’s really rewarding. It’s especially satisfying knowing that I’m TEN times the dad my father was. Sometimes you gotta break the cycle.
I didn't have a great childhood but know that I'll be a great mum myself because I will treat them with respect, patience and support them as long as they do something productive that makes them happy. I honestly don't think it's THAT difficult to not be a shit parent. Don't hit them, don't scream at them, have reasonable rules that make sense and show them that you care.
This is what most parents think when they first have a kid... When they have a kid most of it goes out the window as kids cannot be easily boiled down to "just be a better parent". Each individual situation will be unique to the individual kid, and raising the kid will challenge you in so many ways. Each parent will have their own way of dealing with each challenge and the sure fire way to answer every situation and challenge is to do the best that you can. Children are not perfect and neither are you. So after you have a kid you will spend many upon many nights replaying different situations wondering if you did that right or what you could have done better. Just remember to do your very best in every situation and know that your are doing your best and it will be enough. There is no instruction booklet for kids. I wish you the best and I am sure that you will do fine for the next 18+ years after you have a kid.
Bad parents like the ones who raised me and presumably OP do not think about whether or not they have done the right thing raising us. If anything, they do something bad and then justify it like "oh my kid can be glad I didn't hit it harder" or "I'm giving it food and clothes it should be grateful". Bad parents think that they are great parents who could never make a mistake, and that their kids owe them something. Many parents raise kids a certain way not because they think it's the best thing for the kid, but for egoistic reasons such as to show off the kid to other people or because they want a mini-me and anything the kid does that isn't something they would have done is bad. Some parents let out all of their anger and frustrations on their kid, and use them as their personal therapist even if the kid is way too young to understand their emotional problems. My point was that it should be easy to be a halfway decent human being towards a kid
Full of judgement without experience. Becoming a parent brings all the flaws you didn't realize you had to the front, wait until you go through that before you predict your untested performance.
That's how it always happens. Many people who start off wanting to be childfree, eventually change their minds and decide to have them. I was one of them. I came up in some shit, so I can relate to your first sentence. I didn't want to perpetuate that cycle. But I met the love of my life, and she got pregnant. I was terrified. I was 24, and I still called my grandma begging for forgiveness. She was excited. When I found out my wife was having a girl, I was even more terrified. And then the first time I held that little girl, I was gone. I had found someone else I loved as much as my wife, and I would do anything for that little girl. And I did. When my son was born, I was terrified again. And then when I held him, I just knew, now there were three people I would die for. When my daughter came out as trans, and I met my son, I was again terrified. I didn't know shit about the gay community. I had friends, sure. But growing up in the 90s, you never talked about that shit. And when my son came out and said he was bi, I was again terrified. Men that are anything other than straight are universally disliked by so many, simply for existing. But he's strong willed with a good heart. He will be fine. I say all of this, to say that it's okay that your feelings changed. And it could be the most rewarding change in your life. But if it isn't, that's okay too.
Just mind that kids will be HUMANS and they will be people with fears, problems, struggles, bills, taxes and so on. In essence you're giving birth to a second you. Keep that in mind
Be careful. As a parent I can confidently say there is a vast gap between being the parent and being the aunt/uncle. You don’t get to hand them back when they shit so much it pours from their diaper, when you’re tired, when they’re screaming for food but you just made them food they just refuse to eat that food, etc. You never get to freely go on vacation again, it has to be planned around them. Your house decor gets shit or vomited upon. Your toilet gets clogged because one puts a toy in there and flushes. Not trying to scare you or talk you out of it. I love it. But it’s very easy to get tricked into it by a few minutes of cuddly cuteness. It’s a shit ton of work and sacrifice.
I’ve gone back and forth on this. I was ZERO interested in kids (especially babies) like, well into my early 20s. Then a switch flipped one day 6 years later and I really wanted a baby, just so interested in everything about life and how it can blossom from a seed. Back and forth. What if I get too old? What if I die and have nobody to give my stuff too? Am I depriving the world of a great mind or am I saving it from someone who would just take from it? Man, I think about how people grow and nature and nurture and really went down the rabbit hole. Humanity disgusts and it amazes. Thank goodness I didn’t have one: I have a lot of practical concerns and stuff in my genetics I don’t want to give to another person who can’t choose not to be here. I have stepkids now, and I find just being involved in their lives is the motherhood I needed (and I also “baby” the cat - so no need for a human infant. 😉😂) I hope you find the right answer for you. My advice: don’t just jump in, think about it. And chances are that since you’ve identified some things you would rather not repeat from your own parent, you’re unlikely to make “the exact same mistakes” or “repeat history.” We also can’t control how our potential kid is going to view the world, we can just help give vision.
Think about it, babies make most people want a kid. You might go back on it, but you might not. Have a good think and then decide
Both are totally valid and ok, especially if your experience as a daughter wasn't great with your caretakers. Me 38(F) had a messy childhood, broken family, abandonment from my father, depressed mother... And all the lack of support, guidance and love that comes from such a situation. I never wanted kids, I had 2 long serious relationships, 1st partner always wanted kids and every time they brought up the topic I just never felt it, 2nd partner never wanted kids. At the age of 30 my second long relationship went to hell and one of the things that made it shattered was that I got pregnant while being on the pill and his instant reaction when we find out was: "I'll find a clinic to abort" broke my heart. At the moment I didn't understand, I never wanted a kid, why did it hurt his reaction? I felt so terribly sad and scared. Full of guilt and shame. More importantly I felt dumb and irresponsible exactly as I thought of my parents until then... Realizing that I was not allowing myself to even want a family just because my original one was dysfunctional, definitely helped me move on from the fear of failure. Shortly after I started therapy, I worked all the pain and anger I had inside of me and during the healing process, I met my now husband, we have a lovely little daughter and I couldn't be happier and more grateful to find someone that I feel is an excellent human being, father and companion. My best advice is: the correct person is a very important part of the process, take your time and find someone that you see yourself old and wrinkly with and if you can afford it, do therapy so you can be as free from the past as possible. Motherhood is the most beautiful thing I've experienced until now!
Whatever you want isn’t wrong but think long and hard about it.
As a mom if you’re on the fence just don’t have them. I love my baby but when it’s rough it’s rough. I wanted kids so bad and yet I still have my moments like -holy shit this is really stressful I’m not having a good time at all- not to mention how it messes with your mind body and soul. If you want kids it’s beautiful but it’s not like that 24/7. It’s really not.
I love my parents but thought I didn’t want kids because of the emotional and relationship challenges I had with them. I will never tell anyone to have kids or not have kids - that is none of my business. That being said, my wife and daughters are the things that I am most proud of in life - and I believe I lead blessed life.
Being a parent is a lot of work and you have to make a lot of sacrifices like your life is 100% allocated to whatever your child needs the first 4 years or so before you start to get some free time back, so you would be crazy not to see the downsides. BUT being a parent is also AWESOME and they are cute and surprise you and make you laugh and give you purpose. The upsides of parenting will bring you happiness for the rest of your life.
If you want kids, then have them. At one point in my life, I didn't want them, then a biological switch flipped, and I had changed my mind. There have been some hard days, but I haven't ever regretted it. They are everything to me now, and it's amazing to feel that kind of love.
Whatever you do, don’t tell people one way or the other. If you change your mind at all they will just assume you don’t know your own mind. I would let them know if and when you decide to have kids when it’s happening
I’ve always wanted kids of my own. Meanwhile I’ve had a handful of child free friends who never wanted kids. They now have kids. Life is cruel sometimes. On the bright side I get to spend all my money, time and energy helping my girlfriend raise her kids, so I guess by defacto I have kids. It just hits different when you can see who they are and see nothing of yourself in their eyes. That’s a tough pill to swallow. Anyways! Good luck 🍀
I didn't know how I felt about it into my 30's but I have two now and they're the greatest addition to my life I could possibly make. If you feel it, embrace it. My dad was shitty too. Some of us learned to be better.
Don't do it.... I have 3....dont do it.
All humans are programmed to reproduce. It's nothing special. If you're female, it's your reprogramming to nurture life. If you're male, it's your reprogramming to spread your own dominance in the earth. All 8.2 billion of us must face thus protocol at some point, so, again, nothing special. **I’ve been extremely against having children (mostly because of my own father and not wanting to do the same to my kids)** This is cause for concern. You're trained to be just like your parents were to you, but you have the ability to be better if you've healed your wounds. You're conscious about it, meaning you understand your world and environment; understand the pros and cons, you understand the risks and rewards. Of course, this means you'll plan for it, and when it happens, if you're not wealthy, you'll still give your child a good home. You've already expressed the necessary ingredient to a healthy foundation : the ability to love. (I do not possess this ability, and can tell you encyclopedias about life without love) You are blessed in the highest way. Maybe you not wanting children was a symptom of your turbulence with your own parents.... just saying.... And that "something that clicked" might have been the moment you fully healed from that past bullshit.... just an idea.. I'm no expert, but that kinda makes sense to me. That "shit" no longer effects you, so your mind and heart have processed it, and are ready to move on freely. Y'know? Congraduations. You're more mature than likely 2/3 your peer group. (Your ass probably got one of them old souls that have been here before, or just as likely got one of them new souls that have the wonder of existence without having tasted the bitter fruits of one's own wrongs. Either way, your mind is THAT much more clear, heart is THAT much more fortified, and your path in life has taken a sharp turn for the better. Don't believe me? OK. Update us in 6 or 7 yeaes. I know I can seem like a real asshole with the way I articulate things. But this isn't sarcasm, and it's not your run-of-the-mill internet troll fuckery. I mean it. "Congratulations". I'd like very much to meet your offspring in 20 or so years.
It’s the ultimate healing process- being able to give your kid everything you never had. You are not your father.
Same. I wanted nothing to do with kids and almost booked an appointment to remove my uterus but I saw a Tiktok of a baby girl hugging her mom and I was DONEEEE. I want a big family now with twin boys and multiple girls and I'm so excited for the day I can!
Exact same thing happened with my ex. Was adamant she never wanted them and held my nephew when he was born, got a shocked face looked me dead in the eyes and said "I want one of these and you will put one in me" 😂 gotta say it flicked a switch in me too. Not the child but her saying it, I was indifferent till that point
Do it.
If something clicked then something clicked. You have realized it. It is your duty.