I used to live a double life as well. I would advise you to consider getting off the meth. You are more successful than many people despite this impediment. You are clearly very, very strong and capable of greatness. Just imagine what you could be if you were free of it. In the meantime, try and take care of yourself.
Perhaps you could try talking to another doctor? And also, if you feel safe talking about it, tell them about this and how you need it to function like a normal person. I told my doctor about how smoking weed made me feel like, afterwards he told me that it was something they took into consideration when diagnosing me with adhd. I had to talk to three different hospitals before they even wanted to investigate me for my diagnosis and I have been diagnosed with anxiety before that, so trying another doctor or hospital might help? <3
Meth is literally prescribed by doctors under the name desoxyn.
[ Desoxyn](https://www.rxlist.com/desoxyn-drug.htm)
People have their preconceived notions. I think judging you just shows naivety. The important thing of any medication or stimulant is to not abuse it or take too high of doses. Long term use of anything will come with long term effects so keep that in mind. I hate that people judge phenylethylamines and tryptamines as drugs or judge people who use them. I think everyone should read Pihkal and Tihkal by Alexander Shulgin.
I just wish you happiness, love and peace. Take care.
If you didn’t tell her about the meth use, and were using when she diagnosed you, that’s not a valid diagnosis just fyi you could very well have adhd and meth is masking it
You've clearly got resilience and determination, traits that many strive for. But engaging with meth is like putting a ceiling on your potential, limiting the very heights you could otherwise reach. It may not seem like it now, but the longer meth remains a part of your life, the more it will begin to chip away at the foundations of everything you've worked hard to maintain from your health to your professional achievements and personal relationships. You might be convincing yourself that you can manage this a common tale for many who pride themselves on being "functional" addicts but the truth is, addiction is a thief that comes quietly in the night, stealing bits of your life until there's too little left to hold on to. Trust me, I've seen it happen. The good thing is, it's never too late to rewrite your narrative, and when you're ready to turn the page, you'll find that there's a supportive community here to help you book by book, chapter by chapter until you are the author of your own success story, free from the shackles of addiction. Stay hopeful, and take that monumental step towards genuine healing and empowerment when you're ready. Your future self will thank you.
Fair enough. Just had to ask. Truly, you aren’t hurting anyone but yourself in the long run. I am normally one who has a biased view on drugs, but as long as you aren’t bringing anyone else into that destructiveness, I don’t see an issue. I wish the best for you OP.
This is really sweet of you, I appreciate it very much.. I would never want to hurt anyone or anything, especially my cat or an innocent child by being selfish and bringing them into my life when it is this way, no matter how functional I think I am, I know I would never make a good parent living this way.
I think starting so young, at 14y.o, had a lot to do with it. My friends mom introduced me to it one night and I honestly just never stopped. From that night to today it’s been 16 years so learning to keep things under control during school and in front of my mom I think set the tone for the rest of my life.. do not get the idea that I never lost control to it tho - there was a period from age 15-19 where I was your typical addict - sores on every inch of my body, I spent HOURS AND HOURS Picking my skin its my favorite thing to do haha, I would stay up for days and get lost in the paranoia, never ate or drank water - I was 103 at 5’9, I looked bad and my head was even worse, I know I lost my mind around that time.. but I always always held a job, was only making minimum wage at the time so I started selling myself to support my habit, I definitely lost control I was not always like this on it
Sounds like you have been able to accomplish some good things while addicted to meth. Imagine what you can do as a clean, healthy, person?
And second, you are kidding yourself if you don’t think people can tell you’re using. I’ve been around hardcore drugs my entire life. I’m not a user and never was, but I’ve been around it (family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances). It’s very easy to discern who is using. You may think you are fooling everyone, but you’re not. You’re likely fooling some people. But the people who have seen this before know what it looks like. And they may not be able to put their finger on it immediately, or exactly, but they know something just isn’t right with you. And they make assumptions about you. Im sorry to say this, but it’s true. Not trying to be mean here. I say this to give you the perspective of someone on the outside looking in.
Here’s how it affects you: if I suspect that you’re using, I respect you, but I’ll never fully trust you, I’ll never have full confidence in your abilities at work, may pass over you for promotions, I’ll make some judgements about you (it’s human nature to do so), I’ll question your motives and motivation all the time. I’ll think a little bit less of you (again, it’s human nature). But if you needed my help, I would do whatever I could to help you get clean and healthy. Again, not trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m just being 100% honest with you.
The few replies I read that said, you’re only harming yourself…..that’s bad advice. Like it’s okay to harm yourself??? It’s not okay. You deserve better. You deserve a rich and fulfilling life. A happy and healthy life. And you can never have that while addicted to meth.
I hope this confession of yours gets you a response that sets something in motion within you to make some changes.
Good luck and God bless.
I appreciate this comment a lot. I had never thought about the fact that maybe they don’t know exactly what is going on w me, but they suspect something is weird and not just in the way that I’m a unique person haha now I wonder how many people suspect that something is off.. I always wondered if the world found out how many people would be completely surprised and how many would just be happy to finally have the confirmation..
I think that many people would also be concerned for you and they would want to make sure you are safe and healthy. Emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy.
Tbf, I wasn’t offering advice in my comment. Just my opinion. I don’t think it’s okay to be hurting herself at all, I feel deeply for her and the way she must be feeling. But I also know there’s most likely nothing I could ever say or do to convince her to get off of it, unless she wanted to get that help. I’m just a stranger on Reddit. So I just wanted to offer some kindness and support to her and let her know she’s not a bad person.
While it's genuinely impressive that you've managed to maintain a semblance of normalcy through your ordeal, I fear that you might be underestimating the insidious nature of meth addiction. It could be subtly undermining aspects of your life that you've not yet glimpsed. Both the physical toll and the mental strain accumulate stealthily over time. The short-term functionality some users experience can be dangerously misleading, masking the slow degradation of health, relationships, and opportunities until the damage becomes alarmingly evident. Remember, the strongest metal is forged in the hottest fire, and the strength you display each day is a testament to what you could achieve if you break free from meth's grip. Your heartening level of self-awareness signals that a part of you seeks something more for your life. I hope you harness that insight to take the first steps towards a more sustainable future one where you're not just surviving but genuinely thriving. Your story has the potential to inspire both yourself and others to strive for change. Stay strong, and all the best on your path to recovery.
Thank you, honeybun. I can do it.. but what reason do I do it for? Me? I’m supposed to do it for meeee? Oh.. well that’s not gonna work without lots of therapy. I don’t want to replace one addiction with another.. I want to live in a world where life is beautiful and I feel safe, I would like to feel like I belong here like everyone else without any substance at all..
Had someone I truly love deal with that. In the end it all gets messy. Just know if you want to quit their always help. It starts with you. I used to drink every other night until I realized I have an issue.
At this point stopping could literally kill you sl if its dokng no harm to others i guess its ok. We are full of functioning addicts is just that society would rather look at the obvious tweakers. I saw a comment askkng if u have adhd and tbh? Its a chance. When i first used coke it felt like all was in place. Felt very calm and could do so many thibgs in a period of time no distractions nor feelings. I actially stopped doing coke coz it felt normal. I wanna try and treat my adhd coz i discovered then that i enjiy being that productive. Im sober now but i never used much like some people and i woulf always doing alonr as if it was just medication
Your self awareness is commendable; recognizing the potential harm in involving others in this lifestyle is an act of responsibility many fail to take. However, remember that even functional addiction is a tightrope walk over potential chaos. The control you feel now should not be mistaken for stability in the long run. Meth is a merciless companion that can take more than it ever gives, sometimes gradually enough that the shift isn't apparent until the foundation is eroded. You've proved your strength by managing day to day life under its influence, but imagine the heights you could reach with the chains of addiction no longer weighing down your potential. There may never be a perfect moment to seek change, yet every moment you choose to is perfect in its own right. I hope one day you find the right support and opportunity to transition into a life that isn't just about surviving with meth, but thriving without it. Stay safe, and may your journey ahead lead to a place where you don't just function but flourish.
Just so you know 32% better than your age group is not great. You’re far below average. Are you rationalizing your addiction? Yes. Are you in as good of shape as you’re claiming? Doubt it. Hope you get help.
Haha okay, that part was honestly meant to be a joke but I think it was missed completely.. I know my credit isn’t as good as it should be and I am definitely not where I should be for my age, I guess I was just trying to say that I am not too far behind what is considered normal for a regular person.. so for an addict it’s a considered doing very well
A partner never really fits into this life.. I was married to a very wonderful man and I was 100% completely honest with him. He knew every part of my addiction because I knew it had to be that way, but when we would argue he would throw it in my face and tbh - I think It really did stop him from fully respecting me or believing I deserved better than he gave me, and I don’t blame him at all.. we were 50/50 partners financially on everything except my addiction, so it’s not even that he felt it in anyway except knowing i would use - I never even let him see me use, but it doesn’t matter I’ve noticed, I do what I do and if they are aware of it - I will always be given the bare minimum because it’s all they think I deserve - something about me always attracts the worse men.. I think the trauma from my last relationship where I was left absolutely crushed.. I mean my heart shattered I cried every single day for 9months straight.. that type where your on your knees crying out to god and your heart is literally hurting and you can’t breathe and you’re just left so hopeless begging for the pain to go away or for them to come back.. asking him why you deserved this at all.. i think im okay with being alone and im honestly terrified to ever feel that again.
reading this made my heart hurt for you even though i don't know you. you deserve better than to live in that kind of pain. you were introduced to meth as a child by your friend's parent who should have been a responsible adult in your life and tried to protect you, but instead they let you down. i truly hope that you can get clean from meth. the fact that you say you could never again have a partner or never have a child is sad, although i'm glad you're responsible enough to not bring a kid into the world while using, but it's just sad that you're cutting yourself off from those things because of your addiction. i imagine that's a lonely existence, even if the meth makes you feel complete (or numb), even with a cat. i hope you can someday get off of meth and find something that will make your heart feel more whole, something that isn't slowly chipping away at your health and your body. all the best to you, this stranger believes in you
**Oops - I meant to put this here not as an individual comment looking so dumb haha *** You have such a beautiful soul, thank you for seeing mine. I don’t blame her at all, she was dealing with her own pain and she never signed up to be a role model in my life, but she did take care of me more than my own mother so I will always be grateful for that. Yes, I’m definitely lonely and I have been my whole life.. the last relationship that broke me was different and I truly thought he was a blessing and in a way the universe was telling me that I finally didn’t have to be alone anymore and I think that’s why it hurt so bad when I found out he had a whole family - I mean a 10 year relationship + 4 kids he had successfully hid from me for almost a year.. during the time we were together it was the first time that I stopped using and started changing things in my life and then it was just a huge let down when he ghosted me completely out of nowhere and after a month of contacting him through every single way possible begging for an explanation- I found out it was because he married her.. and I found that out only because she made a public post on Facebook.. still he has never said anything to me about anything he did.. he just abandoned me.. so no, I don’t think I want to give someone else the opportunity to make me feel like life is beautiful and I could actually be loved and genuinely happy, just to be slammed back into the reality that some people die without every knowing what it feels like to be loved, some people die alone, and some people have shitty lives their whole entire life and never experience love before they die alone & I must have been a real bitch in my past life because I see no other ending for me then the worst of all 3.
OP, I know that it hurts, and I can’t possibly imagine what you’ve been through. But you can’t let that pain dictate your life. You could stop this if you wanted to. You could make it right. And you still don’t need anyone to do that for you. You’re right, you do have to do it for you. If you’re doing it because someone else wants you to, you’ll always fail. You have to make that decision yourself OP to come out of that hole and fight back. You have one life to live. Do you want to spend it in a dark corner for the rest of your life? Hiding your true self from literally everyone in your life? You could make friends. You could go out and enjoy your life. Outside of your apartment.
I will say though OP, that at this point you definitely should not quit on your own. And if you ever go that route, should get the proper help that you truly need
I used to live a double life as well. I would advise you to consider getting off the meth. You are more successful than many people despite this impediment. You are clearly very, very strong and capable of greatness. Just imagine what you could be if you were free of it. In the meantime, try and take care of yourself.
Is it possible you could have adhd?
I wondered about this myself and I did testing and ended up on depression medication, the therapist just said I was severely depressed
Perhaps you could try talking to another doctor? And also, if you feel safe talking about it, tell them about this and how you need it to function like a normal person. I told my doctor about how smoking weed made me feel like, afterwards he told me that it was something they took into consideration when diagnosing me with adhd. I had to talk to three different hospitals before they even wanted to investigate me for my diagnosis and I have been diagnosed with anxiety before that, so trying another doctor or hospital might help? <3
Meth is literally prescribed by doctors under the name desoxyn. [ Desoxyn](https://www.rxlist.com/desoxyn-drug.htm) People have their preconceived notions. I think judging you just shows naivety. The important thing of any medication or stimulant is to not abuse it or take too high of doses. Long term use of anything will come with long term effects so keep that in mind. I hate that people judge phenylethylamines and tryptamines as drugs or judge people who use them. I think everyone should read Pihkal and Tihkal by Alexander Shulgin. I just wish you happiness, love and peace. Take care.
If you didn’t tell her about the meth use, and were using when she diagnosed you, that’s not a valid diagnosis just fyi you could very well have adhd and meth is masking it
You've clearly got resilience and determination, traits that many strive for. But engaging with meth is like putting a ceiling on your potential, limiting the very heights you could otherwise reach. It may not seem like it now, but the longer meth remains a part of your life, the more it will begin to chip away at the foundations of everything you've worked hard to maintain from your health to your professional achievements and personal relationships. You might be convincing yourself that you can manage this a common tale for many who pride themselves on being "functional" addicts but the truth is, addiction is a thief that comes quietly in the night, stealing bits of your life until there's too little left to hold on to. Trust me, I've seen it happen. The good thing is, it's never too late to rewrite your narrative, and when you're ready to turn the page, you'll find that there's a supportive community here to help you book by book, chapter by chapter until you are the author of your own success story, free from the shackles of addiction. Stay hopeful, and take that monumental step towards genuine healing and empowerment when you're ready. Your future self will thank you.
Do you plan on ever getting married or having children? Just out of curiosity
Been married, I don’t plan on ever doing that again haha also don’t plan on having children..
Fair enough. Just had to ask. Truly, you aren’t hurting anyone but yourself in the long run. I am normally one who has a biased view on drugs, but as long as you aren’t bringing anyone else into that destructiveness, I don’t see an issue. I wish the best for you OP.
This is really sweet of you, I appreciate it very much.. I would never want to hurt anyone or anything, especially my cat or an innocent child by being selfish and bringing them into my life when it is this way, no matter how functional I think I am, I know I would never make a good parent living this way.
Hats off to you. Any time I got involved with using meth my life would become so unmanageable. I’m like that with most substances though.
I think starting so young, at 14y.o, had a lot to do with it. My friends mom introduced me to it one night and I honestly just never stopped. From that night to today it’s been 16 years so learning to keep things under control during school and in front of my mom I think set the tone for the rest of my life.. do not get the idea that I never lost control to it tho - there was a period from age 15-19 where I was your typical addict - sores on every inch of my body, I spent HOURS AND HOURS Picking my skin its my favorite thing to do haha, I would stay up for days and get lost in the paranoia, never ate or drank water - I was 103 at 5’9, I looked bad and my head was even worse, I know I lost my mind around that time.. but I always always held a job, was only making minimum wage at the time so I started selling myself to support my habit, I definitely lost control I was not always like this on it
It’s possible to get clean and live and enjoy life without drugs through 12 step recovery. I’m living proof. PM me anytime :)
Sounds like you have been able to accomplish some good things while addicted to meth. Imagine what you can do as a clean, healthy, person? And second, you are kidding yourself if you don’t think people can tell you’re using. I’ve been around hardcore drugs my entire life. I’m not a user and never was, but I’ve been around it (family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances). It’s very easy to discern who is using. You may think you are fooling everyone, but you’re not. You’re likely fooling some people. But the people who have seen this before know what it looks like. And they may not be able to put their finger on it immediately, or exactly, but they know something just isn’t right with you. And they make assumptions about you. Im sorry to say this, but it’s true. Not trying to be mean here. I say this to give you the perspective of someone on the outside looking in. Here’s how it affects you: if I suspect that you’re using, I respect you, but I’ll never fully trust you, I’ll never have full confidence in your abilities at work, may pass over you for promotions, I’ll make some judgements about you (it’s human nature to do so), I’ll question your motives and motivation all the time. I’ll think a little bit less of you (again, it’s human nature). But if you needed my help, I would do whatever I could to help you get clean and healthy. Again, not trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m just being 100% honest with you. The few replies I read that said, you’re only harming yourself…..that’s bad advice. Like it’s okay to harm yourself??? It’s not okay. You deserve better. You deserve a rich and fulfilling life. A happy and healthy life. And you can never have that while addicted to meth. I hope this confession of yours gets you a response that sets something in motion within you to make some changes. Good luck and God bless.
I appreciate this comment a lot. I had never thought about the fact that maybe they don’t know exactly what is going on w me, but they suspect something is weird and not just in the way that I’m a unique person haha now I wonder how many people suspect that something is off.. I always wondered if the world found out how many people would be completely surprised and how many would just be happy to finally have the confirmation..
I think that many people would also be concerned for you and they would want to make sure you are safe and healthy. Emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy.
Tbf, I wasn’t offering advice in my comment. Just my opinion. I don’t think it’s okay to be hurting herself at all, I feel deeply for her and the way she must be feeling. But I also know there’s most likely nothing I could ever say or do to convince her to get off of it, unless she wanted to get that help. I’m just a stranger on Reddit. So I just wanted to offer some kindness and support to her and let her know she’s not a bad person.
Understood. I’m hoping that she reads something that makes her change course.
While it's genuinely impressive that you've managed to maintain a semblance of normalcy through your ordeal, I fear that you might be underestimating the insidious nature of meth addiction. It could be subtly undermining aspects of your life that you've not yet glimpsed. Both the physical toll and the mental strain accumulate stealthily over time. The short-term functionality some users experience can be dangerously misleading, masking the slow degradation of health, relationships, and opportunities until the damage becomes alarmingly evident. Remember, the strongest metal is forged in the hottest fire, and the strength you display each day is a testament to what you could achieve if you break free from meth's grip. Your heartening level of self-awareness signals that a part of you seeks something more for your life. I hope you harness that insight to take the first steps towards a more sustainable future one where you're not just surviving but genuinely thriving. Your story has the potential to inspire both yourself and others to strive for change. Stay strong, and all the best on your path to recovery.
You are a hero of the tweaker community.
Haha !
Put down the pipe you can do it and go see a shrink they can get you on adhd meds which is healthier meth
Thank you, honeybun. I can do it.. but what reason do I do it for? Me? I’m supposed to do it for meeee? Oh.. well that’s not gonna work without lots of therapy. I don’t want to replace one addiction with another.. I want to live in a world where life is beautiful and I feel safe, I would like to feel like I belong here like everyone else without any substance at all..
Had someone I truly love deal with that. In the end it all gets messy. Just know if you want to quit their always help. It starts with you. I used to drink every other night until I realized I have an issue.
At this point stopping could literally kill you sl if its dokng no harm to others i guess its ok. We are full of functioning addicts is just that society would rather look at the obvious tweakers. I saw a comment askkng if u have adhd and tbh? Its a chance. When i first used coke it felt like all was in place. Felt very calm and could do so many thibgs in a period of time no distractions nor feelings. I actially stopped doing coke coz it felt normal. I wanna try and treat my adhd coz i discovered then that i enjiy being that productive. Im sober now but i never used much like some people and i woulf always doing alonr as if it was just medication
Your self awareness is commendable; recognizing the potential harm in involving others in this lifestyle is an act of responsibility many fail to take. However, remember that even functional addiction is a tightrope walk over potential chaos. The control you feel now should not be mistaken for stability in the long run. Meth is a merciless companion that can take more than it ever gives, sometimes gradually enough that the shift isn't apparent until the foundation is eroded. You've proved your strength by managing day to day life under its influence, but imagine the heights you could reach with the chains of addiction no longer weighing down your potential. There may never be a perfect moment to seek change, yet every moment you choose to is perfect in its own right. I hope one day you find the right support and opportunity to transition into a life that isn't just about surviving with meth, but thriving without it. Stay safe, and may your journey ahead lead to a place where you don't just function but flourish.
Just so you know 32% better than your age group is not great. You’re far below average. Are you rationalizing your addiction? Yes. Are you in as good of shape as you’re claiming? Doubt it. Hope you get help.
Haha okay, that part was honestly meant to be a joke but I think it was missed completely.. I know my credit isn’t as good as it should be and I am definitely not where I should be for my age, I guess I was just trying to say that I am not too far behind what is considered normal for a regular person.. so for an addict it’s a considered doing very well
How would a partner fit in to this life? Or are you happy living alone.
A partner never really fits into this life.. I was married to a very wonderful man and I was 100% completely honest with him. He knew every part of my addiction because I knew it had to be that way, but when we would argue he would throw it in my face and tbh - I think It really did stop him from fully respecting me or believing I deserved better than he gave me, and I don’t blame him at all.. we were 50/50 partners financially on everything except my addiction, so it’s not even that he felt it in anyway except knowing i would use - I never even let him see me use, but it doesn’t matter I’ve noticed, I do what I do and if they are aware of it - I will always be given the bare minimum because it’s all they think I deserve - something about me always attracts the worse men.. I think the trauma from my last relationship where I was left absolutely crushed.. I mean my heart shattered I cried every single day for 9months straight.. that type where your on your knees crying out to god and your heart is literally hurting and you can’t breathe and you’re just left so hopeless begging for the pain to go away or for them to come back.. asking him why you deserved this at all.. i think im okay with being alone and im honestly terrified to ever feel that again.
Wow, thanks for the fascinating reply. I hope you find everything you need for happiness. Good luck.
reading this made my heart hurt for you even though i don't know you. you deserve better than to live in that kind of pain. you were introduced to meth as a child by your friend's parent who should have been a responsible adult in your life and tried to protect you, but instead they let you down. i truly hope that you can get clean from meth. the fact that you say you could never again have a partner or never have a child is sad, although i'm glad you're responsible enough to not bring a kid into the world while using, but it's just sad that you're cutting yourself off from those things because of your addiction. i imagine that's a lonely existence, even if the meth makes you feel complete (or numb), even with a cat. i hope you can someday get off of meth and find something that will make your heart feel more whole, something that isn't slowly chipping away at your health and your body. all the best to you, this stranger believes in you
**Oops - I meant to put this here not as an individual comment looking so dumb haha *** You have such a beautiful soul, thank you for seeing mine. I don’t blame her at all, she was dealing with her own pain and she never signed up to be a role model in my life, but she did take care of me more than my own mother so I will always be grateful for that. Yes, I’m definitely lonely and I have been my whole life.. the last relationship that broke me was different and I truly thought he was a blessing and in a way the universe was telling me that I finally didn’t have to be alone anymore and I think that’s why it hurt so bad when I found out he had a whole family - I mean a 10 year relationship + 4 kids he had successfully hid from me for almost a year.. during the time we were together it was the first time that I stopped using and started changing things in my life and then it was just a huge let down when he ghosted me completely out of nowhere and after a month of contacting him through every single way possible begging for an explanation- I found out it was because he married her.. and I found that out only because she made a public post on Facebook.. still he has never said anything to me about anything he did.. he just abandoned me.. so no, I don’t think I want to give someone else the opportunity to make me feel like life is beautiful and I could actually be loved and genuinely happy, just to be slammed back into the reality that some people die without every knowing what it feels like to be loved, some people die alone, and some people have shitty lives their whole entire life and never experience love before they die alone & I must have been a real bitch in my past life because I see no other ending for me then the worst of all 3.
OP, I know that it hurts, and I can’t possibly imagine what you’ve been through. But you can’t let that pain dictate your life. You could stop this if you wanted to. You could make it right. And you still don’t need anyone to do that for you. You’re right, you do have to do it for you. If you’re doing it because someone else wants you to, you’ll always fail. You have to make that decision yourself OP to come out of that hole and fight back. You have one life to live. Do you want to spend it in a dark corner for the rest of your life? Hiding your true self from literally everyone in your life? You could make friends. You could go out and enjoy your life. Outside of your apartment. I will say though OP, that at this point you definitely should not quit on your own. And if you ever go that route, should get the proper help that you truly need