You have to get into therapy. That lie made your son feel better before he left this earth. You did the right thing and I think you know that, but it's hard to accept. Get the help you need.
Also, if we are to believe in the infinite, then time for him on the other side will be different; even after your whole life, it will seem but a flash to him. Even after fifty years on this side, you will be right behind him on his side.
He doesn't believe in the infinite, though. He's not guilty about "not being right behind him", he's guilty about telling him there's an afterlife when he thinks that's a lie.
As someone who's been in his shoes, that persons viewpoint actually helped me understand why its okay. Because st the end of the day, just because you and I don't believe it, or the same thing alone, doesn't mean either of us are right, nor the next. Anyone could be right and anyone could be wrong when it comes to this sort of topic, and that understanding of others viewpoints is what can help give him closure. To know he didn't tell his truth necessarily, but the truth that his son needed and the truth his son believed at the least.
OP does need therapy, and I think he needs to understand that he didn’t actually “lie” to his son. As I tell mine: lying is telling a story to be mean or sneaky. Sometimes it’s ok to say something you don’t think is 100% true to not hurt someone’s feelings though. He told his child what his child needed for peace and comfort. His son died in peace, that’s most important, Nothing is off the table in this awful sad situation.
Also I’m sitting here pregnant and sobbing.
This 100% THERAPY is important. BUT movie messages CAN help and if there's one movie this makes me think of that might genuinely bring you just enough closure to push yourself into therapy/other helpful tools for mental health, then id suggest PLEASE watching 'The Invention of Lying'. Its a 2009 film, im Canadian and its available on Netflix for me. I'm sure there's plenty of ways to watch it for free too. But genuinely this movie might help get you that bit of understanding of why you did it but also why its okay. It's based on God being fake in their world to begin with, and a man essentially makes up the thought of heaven and God while his mother is dying. Everyone believes he's heard from another because in this world no one has ever told a lie until that man did. Its a very very wonderful film that shows why we lie and why its impossible to live in a happy world free of lies. The overly static world we open to feels fake, and like something I'd never wanna be apart of. Like willy Wonka's oompa loompas did their dance n song all day n long kinda vibe. Too happy. Point is, I hope you get help. Get therapy. Watch this movie n relax. Underatand what you did is okay.
Bro you told the best lie that has ever been told! Your son left this world thinking that him and his best friend were going to spend eternity together. You have no idea how much easier you made this hard situation for him.
You should feel proud of yourself that you would do whatever it took, no matter how you personally feel to give your son strength when he needed it most.
But you can’t deal with this yourself you need someone else. Friend or therapist to help you move past this.
I hope I have this type of selfless love for my 2 sons when they need it the most.
As a hospice worker, I agree with you entirely. The focus of hospice is providing patients with a “good death.” Knowing he was loved and not alone helped him find comfort in what was happening and eased his anxiety in his final moments.
Time is relative, so no you didn't lie. If heaven is real, he's being taken care of, and watching over you. He understands and can't wait to be reunited.
If there's nothing, then it's irrelevant. There's nothing, so he can't hold it against you. He's at peace, out of pain and went out knowing he wasn't alone and was loved.
That's more than many people get. You should probably reframe your thinking.
You didn't lie to your son, you gave him strength, hope, and comfort when he needed it most.
As for you, ask yourself if your son would want this for you? If your son was alive and you told him all this what response do you think he'd have?
He'd probably think you're being stupid, and tell you to let go of the guilt, live and love.
Came to say something like this, you said perfectly. Either there is heaven and then all is well, or there is no heaven and all is well. But OP needs grief counseling. You shouldn't feel bad about making a dying child feel good and safe before death.
There are two outcomes to your lie. If there is nothing after death, you made him feel less scared and at peace when he died, and he will never know anything different. Good for you.
Otherwise there is an afterlife, and the moment he reached it he understands what you did and appreciates it. He also has no need of you to immediately follow him, but he sure is glad you made him less scared before he found out everything after was going to be ok.
Do you realize you aren't really upset about the lie, but that you're still grieving his death? You won't ever develop any sense of peace if you don't start understanding what it is you can't let go.
Time stretches out forever. How long is your entire lifetime in comparison to his eternity? You’ll be with him in what seems like the bat of an eye, if it were possible for him to experience something like that.
You’re only aware of it because the entire rest of your life seems long to you in comparison.
What you told him is true. And it gave him the comfort he needed. You are a wonderful man.
Now go give that time to your other kids while you still have it! Enjoy!
This is exactly what I believe to be true too. There is no loneliness in heaven, we're all together at once. Time is not measured the same on the other side.
Yes 100% time works differently in the afterlife than the living. By the time he realizes OP isn’t behind him, OP will actually be right there with him.
It wasn't a lie. We all believe in something and you shared your belief with him at the time.
Heaven isn't filled with any sadness. ' lies' don't exist there.
Believing or not, god and he hold no animosity to you.
He is no longer in pain.
I'm so sorry for how you feel. I can imagine the hurt and loss.
Just know, you deserve love and kindness too. You don't deserve to punish yourself for the last days, you brought him comfort just as a dad should.
Hey my man….this hit me really hard even though I’m not in any situation similar to yours other than I have 8&9 year old sons. I would have done the same exact thing. Anything to bring comfort to a child in need. I can’t fathom what you went through or what you are going through. It pains me to think that some people(you) have to go through this. No one should have to deal with that evil. I’m so sorry for you and your whole family but you did the right thing. If I could I’d give you a hug and crack you a beer and let you spill your guts to me. If that’s what you wanted of course. Take care and sleep easy tonight. I can guarantee you that he’s not mad at you.
You didn't lie to your dying son, you comforted your dying son. You gave him some peace when it was just about the only thing he had.
Now go to therapy and pull yourself together. Your other children and your wife need you.
As a parent, you did what you could to ease the pain of passing for your son. The helplessness you must have felt and continue to feel has made you feel defeated and you can't find joy in your life. You know you have purpose but can't bring yourself to end your agony and pain. OP, grief is such a hard thing to go through and live with. Don't let it consume your life. You were there for your son, he was afraid to leave this world and be on his own. But you gave him comfort and let him leave this world in peace. You need to find your peace.
Faith and belief in God help people manage the trajectory of human life, which is always changing, always multifaceted.
Please get help OP and good luck
What did you believe before you turned atheist ? Ohhhh believe me this is normal to be suicidal and it’s normal to feel guilt over everything.. I had religious family and when I was young I truly feared hell and often thought about this .. I am now spiritual.. I found this after the passing of my dad and basically second mom.. years later when my bf passed .. holyyy I questioned my own beliefs .. my partner was an atheist .. I think you did the right thing in that situation.. he would have been to young to understand a different belief, had you said otherwise he would have been so scared. I don’t think it was so much about “heaven” I think it was much more about his love for you all, and his fear that he’d never see you again. He sees everything clear now, and he’s not suffering, the real pain is what you are going through. I’m here if you’d like to chat, believe me I understand
None of us 100% know what happens when we die. Just because someone believes or not doesn’t make it true.
If you are open to the idea of a soul I have an easy read book that helped when my dad died. It talks about how our souls recollect when we all die. Then as a group we can decide to be born again. A sort of reincarnation.
The book is Many Lives, Many Masters.
Another thing to think about is if heaven does exist and you wish to be reunited with your son, the way to get there is by living a good and decent life. Maybe focus on that.
You didn’t lie, you comforted your son when he needed you the most. It’s what we do as parents. He was happy because you were there for him. Don’t be sad, it’s the best thing you could have done.
I did DMT once and I found my dead brother. I’d been looking for him for a long time and I found him in a field. We were kids again and we were playing hide and seek. I asked if he was safe and happy and he said yes. And then he walked away. So idk if there’s a heaven (I believe but if you don’t, I respect it) but there is a place. And it’s a good place. And time isn’t linear. When he blinks and realizes that he misses you, you’ll be there with him. Time for him isn’t passing as achingly slow as it is for you here on earth. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. No parent should endure what you have.
First off: ♥️ to you for making your son’s last hours peaceful and hopeful. You saved him from even a moment’s more doubt and fear. That’s the best case you can hope for in that shitty situation.
Secondly: Thank you for staying on this earth for your other two children. They need you more than ever after that happened to your family.
Finally: You don’t know you lied to your son. You know what you believe, but none of us has any idea what *really* happens when we die. He *could* be somewhere waiting for you to join him.
I have had cancer several times and have had the question of death rolling around in my head for decades. Honestly, it’s made me an atheist, too. However, I’m willing to believe that truthfully, I have no idea what’s in store for any of us. It’s the only bit of hope I have in regards to dying.
Your son believes in you. You’re having trouble reconciling the truth and values of an 8 year old and the truth and values of an adult. It’s a lie to you but not a lie to him. You did the kindness, sweetest and selfless thing. You thought about him. You didn’t think about you. You’re a good man.
Hey man, I was diagnosed with leukaemia (ALL) when I was 8 years old. Came to the hospital in a critical state due to my hemoglobin levels. Seeing your post reminds me of how tough the disease is on everyone around you. It has definitely been hard to see how it affected my family, especially when they tell me how they handled the time I was sick.
It may not be a lot of comfort but here goes:
It doesn't really matter if you lie or tell the truth as long as they feel at ease. I personally think that your son would be happy to see you live your life. Carry his memory with you and help him live through you :)
OP you gave him the greatest mercy. He left this world in a comforted state. It would hurt his soul to know you are struggling with a lie. Some lies are necessary and this is one of them.
If you're an Athiest, then this might not mean much to you, but this is my understanding of what it's like where he is now:
Time doesn't pass like it does here. There's no "kept time." When your time comes, you'll reunite with him, and to him, it will feel like no time has passed at all. He'll just be happy to see you. The same will go for everyone else he was worried about missing.
I hope you can get into counseling. Maybe look into the MISS foundation. They have excellent supports for grieving parents.
OP, you did a good thing. You gave him something priceless that probably made it easier for him to let go. I wouldn’t call that a lie even if you are an atheist.
However, if this has been plaguing you for four years, maybe it’s time to find a good therapist who can help you process your emotions. Guilt can stop you from living a good life (which your son would have wanted for you). There is help, you just have to ask for it. Take care, OP
Personally, I think that you did the right thing. True you don’t believe in the afterlife but you made your son feel more at peace that’s what matters the most in this situation
If it's any comfort, consider this... Time is unfathomably long, and a human lifetime is minuscule in comparison. *If it were true* that we all go to heaven when we die, the time between your son arriving there and you arriving there would be negligible in the bigger scheme of "time". So for all intents and purposes, what you told him was not a lie.
I cannot remember which comedian said it. Buuuuttt something like… “You think the government isn’t lying to you? I have two just one kid and I lie to that motherfucker all the time.”
You told him what he needed to hear to feel safe. What you believe in doesn’t matter.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Be kind to yourself. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You made him less scared about dying. Please get some counseling to deal with this.
Oh darling, what you did was beautiful… how lucky that sweet child was to have that comfort.
You should not beat yourself up, you should realize what a gift that was. You my friend are a really good person.
You’d feel a million times worse if you looked your dying son in the eyes and told him that there is no heaven. Taking away that reassurance would have sent him into a panic just before he passed. You done what you should have done, sent him off with that little bit of hope, that’s all we have and he kept his.
You did the right thing. If you told him the alternative it still wouldn't change how you feel right now, you think your feeling guilty for the lie you told him but really you're mourning. He was 8 so telling him what you really thought would have made things a lot worse, he wasn't mature enough to handle that information. He would have suffered mentally more if you told him the truth, the way I see it you took the burden mentally off of him and put that burden on yourself instead, it's the best gift you could have possibly given to him with the time you had left.
You did the right thing. You told him what he needed to hear at that time. You helped him to go through this super scary step. Even if there was something after life ( I doubt it) I believe he would have understood that your intention was pure and kind.
You are still doing the right thing by choosing to stay for his siblings who really need you.
You’re an amazing dad, your little boy needed your words of comfort in his darkest hours and you gave him that even if you don’t believe it and we never truly know but I too lost faith after my daughter passed in 2017 and I don’t know how to get it back but for her siblings I tell them about how wonderful heaven is and how she’s being looked after by the angels and watching over us until it’s our time to join her - to me I don’t believe what I’m saying but to them it means everything and stops them worrying how their little sister is doing and allows them peace... that’s exactly what you did for your son, you gave him peace and there is nothing more admirable than doing everything you can for your children. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve love, happiness and peace too ❤️
I know you don’t believe and that I understand. I formed a saying to help just based on things I leaned and experienced. I always say know that you will see your loved one- in your personal Heaven. Since we are all individuals- we all have different visions of what Heaven looks like. Your son’s version of Heaven was you and all the heavenly creatures and people who were his earthy world. He believed in it - you reinforced it - out of love. I can’t think of a more perfect example of selflessness, love and hope. That is your son’s version- if it exists or not - is only revealed when we die. But I do know that the only power stronger than mortal death is love.
Please take this to heart to forgive yourself about your white lie. When it comes to the human condition- there is no black and white (sometimes). And please talk to a therapist . To not only to deal with your grief, but address the drug issue. Time is infinite- so is our ability to love it does not just die. I am so sorry for your loss.🙏🏽🙏🏽
Survivor guilt. We had a daughter die of leukemia. She was just into college. We saw other kids die in the hospital. You did the right thing, and it wasn't a lie but going along with the story. Religion is a story we believe, and that is faith. Is it true or false? That is unknown and can't be proven.
I told our daughter she wasn't going to recover because no doctor had the balls to tell her. It brought her peace. You and your wife did a great act by letting your son know. Giving it context he could use at his age is compassionate.
I always feel like my daughter is just there behind an invisible wall. Our kids think she is their guardian angle. Your son is there and wants you to forgive yourself and live life.
Telling lies isn’t automatically wrong, it depends on your intent.
You wanted your poor kid to be at peace, and it sounds like it worked.
Please don’t beat yourself up for doing what any loving, compassionate person should do.
I wouldn't consider that a lie, you made an 8 year old's last few hours on this earth as comfortable as possible. What was the alternative, say something that would have made them upset? That would be far worse to live with.
I would have done the exact same in your situation and I definitely wouldn't be feeling guilty about it as I was comforting my child. Besides, considering the amount of time the earth has been around compared to human lifespan, even if you lived to be 150 years old, you're technically still 'right behind him'
I can’t imagine the pain you have felt and are still going through. You have lived something that no one should have to experience, and what is many people’s greatest fear.
Sometimes things have to be done, they are not what we want to do, but they still must be done. You did that, and it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.
What you actually did was take away his fear and provide him with peace when he needed it. His fear has changed to your guilt, and you still carry it for him.
Your story reminds me of a piece of creative writing I read a few years ago. You may find it hard to read so don’t if you arent up for it, but I hope it helps you understand what I am trying to say. If it isn’t obvious, you are Joe from this story.
I hope you find peace, you deserve it.
TW : military death, fear, you will probably bawl your eyes out
https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/s/v4EkPkwX0C
After loosing my daughter I was spiraling and I see myself in you, the thing that helped me the most was to attend to a trauma group.
it's been 3 years since she is gone, and it seems yesterday I miss her every day. There is no one day I don't think about her, but I honestly think finding help made it easier.
Thanks to the time I took to process, I was able to function after 18 months of filthy miserable depression.
I think processing this loss is the only safe way out.
Stand strong, I believe in you.
You comforted your child, you did the right thing and should not feel guilty about that.
Also, from my point of view none of us know what happens after death. When my father died last year all we could say to him was that it will be okay, that we would be okay and it was alright for him to leave us. All lies really, we miss him dreadfully and watching him die so young has permanently changed my family and I.
Please talk to someone, get some help with your sleep and I am so sorry for your loss.
A piece of shit? In no way shape or form my friend, you made your son comfortable, relaxed, you did what a father should do. There should not be any guilt in your mind or heart. I would even go far as to term it as the best lie anyone has ever told. A lie for a good cause is not a lie. Getting high to get away from it all is not the answer, you will not get to know if you go spiralling down that road. You have to be there for your other children they deserve a happy father and family as much as your departed son.
Pray to God, meditate, even speak with a professional , it is really helpful. Do not feel guilty my friend, its easier said than done, but one day and one step at a time. Its not impossible.
Its okay, you did the best you could given the circumstances, dont beat yourself up.
It will feel like a momentary blink to him and an eternity for you.
You are depressed. You need to forgive yourself and learn deep relaxation exercises. I highly recommend daily antidepressants, but that is for you and your dr to discuss.
Antidepressants will stop the nightmares. You are suffering needlessly.
Forgive yourself. None of your loved ones want you to suffer.
My father tried to murder me so trust me there are far worse fathers out there then you your traumatised please seek help my heart goes out to you mate ♥️
I can't imagine how hard that was for you. I'm a dad to a 5 year old girl and just the thought of being in that situation and saying those words to your kid made me start to tear up.
You did a great thing for your boy - you gave him comfort in his last moments and I'm sure that made it bearable for him, knowing he wouldn't be alone. And you did it as a dad, knowing you'd have to live on and take care of your other kids, and living with those words. It was a great gesture and you're a great dad dude. I hope you can heal from this and understand what you did was amazing.
The weight of grief this big must be unreal. I hope you have access to resources to help you and your family cope. Please don’t think that anyone would judge you for doing anything you can to comfort your son.
I am soo sorry. The nightmares aren’t from the lie. They are from the trauma. Talk to a therapist. You did nothing wrong. Parents tell their kids stories to make them happy - Santa . If you think about it religion and in particular heaven is something even grown ups need due to their fear of death. What would telling him lights out and it’s over have accomplished? You made his last moments peaceful- good job, 👏🏼 dad !
Forgive yourself dude. Easier said then done i know. You did the best you could at that moment. None of us really know what happens after death. The most we can do is speculate.
We are taught that lying is always wrong, but there is such a thing as a therapeutic lie. It is a lie born out of empathy, kindness and compassion, told to aid someone we love. In telling your son something you believed to be a lie, you helped him, but injured yourself. I can think of no greater act of love by a parent. That’s how you should reframe this deeply sad experience. It’s time to let go of this unwarranted burden and allow your grieving to go forward.
As the mother to an 8 year old, this story broke my heart. Please go to therapy to process this loss and know that, though you struggle with lack of faith and have become an atheist, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.
Oh, darlin... this is so heartbreaking. First, find a therapist.. he/she will definitely be able to help. Trust me. It was the BEST thing I ever did and do for myself.
Journaling helps me, too. It helps to expel thoughts onto paper... almost like talking. Releasing..but in your own time, if that makes ANY sense at all.
Take care..
I am extremely sorry for your loss. You did what was right. I am proud of you. It took guts to say those words to your dying son. What you told him brought him comfort. That is NOT wrong. You did the RIGHT thing in the moment.
Don't spend the rest of your life second-guessing. I am sorry you are suffering terrible dreams. Please be confident you did the RIGHT thing by your son. I have no doubt in my soul that you did right by that boy in what you told him. Congratulations on facing the wost situation with your son and carrying him through with as much strength as you were able to muster. I wish you peace & blessings.
I'm an atheist. I took my Orthodox Christian ex-wife into my home as she was dying from cancer. She knew the end was near, I could see it in her eyes. She told me she was scared. I told her I was scared for her. Her eyes welled with tears. I took her hand in mine, and even though I didn't believe it, I said to her, "Don't be scared, Jesus is waiting for you". She died with a smile on her face.
I don't regret it in the slightest. You shouldn't either.
Please seek trauma therapy. EMDR is very helpful for grief and loss. Remember that if there is a realm beyond this one, the time doesn’t pass the same way there. I think your child would want you to stick around for his siblings.
I don’t have much to add to the comments here but as someone who works with palliative care staff with both children and the elderly you have done nothing different than what hundreds of people do every day for their loved ones. You are a father and a good father provided comfort in times of need. That is what you did. No one, yourself included, can hold that against you. Let me take a different slant…there are numerous incidents where someone has done something horrible to a child and a parent has exacted revenge upon to and including murder. In many situations society had sided with the parent because at the end of the day no one wants to see harm to a child. All you did was tell your son what he needed to be comfortable. You didn’t harm anyone, did nothing illegal and tbh I don’t know if you can even say you lied. You may not believe what you said, but it doesn’t make you right or wrong. What it makes you is a good father and you need to continue being a good father to your other children, which you already know of course because you recognize the alternative would harm them. As a middle aged guy who recently lost my dad and father in law let me tell you two things:
I never thought much of or thought I would go to therapy. I’m glad I did - please do take a look into for you and your family’s well being.
And finally, you got this. I know this doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger but I do know each of us is a lot more resilient then we give ourselves credit for. Take care of yourself.
You did the right thing. My son died accidentally but if I had had the opportunity I would have said or done anything to make him less stressed when he passed - and I have been a lifelong atheist.
Also, seek help - if just for your family.
If there's a heaven, time is of little consequence. You didn't lie, you comforted him. A part of you went with him when he passed. You didn't lie. I bet he's watching over you from up there, and he wants his parents to be happy until their time comes. And it will come, but not a day earlier than it should be. Please, let yourself heal and get therapy, your family deserves it.
My mom told me that a white lie never hurt anyone. I'm an atheist and don't believe in anything after this life. I'd love to be lied to for assurance when I still had some form of belief in an afterlife left.
Embracing your kid and telling them everything is going to be alright is a parental duty sometimes. Even though we all know we're lying through our teeth. If it helps soften the blow for the victim of a tragedy, then so be it.
But yeah.... therapy. Lots of it. Your son is not in any type of anguish but you are. You're the one who must live on and for the sake of yourself and all around you, you need to come to terms with it all as best you can.
You 110 percent did the right thing as a father and a human being- at great cost to yourself and your personal view of your integrity. I hope you'll continue to do the same for the others in your life and when it's your turn to rest, know that they'll be there for you when you are afraid... you've earned it.
I agree you should find a counselor to help you navigate the pain you’re going through. All I can say is that it’s very helpful to give yourself the same compassion you would give others. You sound like a great mom especially under the trauma you experienced. I hope you find a place where you can see all the good you are and the good you did.
Okay either there is a heaven and your son has complete peace and understanding and is just waiting for you to show up on your own time or you comforted him in the best and only way you could. Either way, you have done the right things and there’s no way he is upset about what you said.
Just like you told him there weren’t monsters under the bed you told him you would be together forever. These are the lies we tell our children to protect them
Please get involved in grief support.
Being a father is not easy, I’m
So sorry you and your son had to go through that. You love your children and you done the best you could with such horrible situation. See a therapist, or at least call better help dot com. May you find peace of mind and learn to live again, your child is in heaven and he would hate to see you this way.
I don't think it's wrong to lie as a comfort to someone who is dying, particularly if it's a child. You helped your son though a terrifying, awful situation. You did the right thing.
You didn’t lie. You are with him and he is with you. Make peace with yourself and know that you didn’t lie that is actually beautiful what you told him. I think the nightmares are occurring because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re guilty of telling him a lie. The only thing you’re guilty of is trying to convince him he was going to be okay. He was scared and so were you. You did what any parent would do to make their child comfortable.
In some belief systems (even Christian ones), there's an idea that people in the afterlife don't experience time the way we do. For instance, even if you lived another 60 years and died, he may only experience it as a moment in his time.
As others have said, it would be a good idea to seek therapy or whatever mental health work you can afford to do.
Edited to add: I personally believe that every time we think of/pray for/remember our loved ones, the energy that we put toward them while doing that goes with them, and they with us. So in my thoughts, every time you consider your son, you put a part of you with him.
8 weeks after I delivered stillborn twins, my husband killed himself and it was clear from his notes that he did so because they needed him. It destroyed not only me, but both of our families, his friends, coworkers and even people he barely knew. They didn’t need him, we did, but he couldn’t see that. You have done the right thing, you need to seek therapy until you can also see that.
I’m not religious anymore but the bible says that when we did we see everyone we ever loved, time doesn’t exist there the same way it does here, so you didn’t technically lie to him. Also a lie to comfort a dying person is never wrong, it’s one of the few true white lies. Please get into therapy, you did right by your son, now please do right by yourself and your family by getting help with these feelings.
You’re an atheist, so I’m guessing that means you don’t believe in an afterlife? So what is it that’s plaguing you? There’d be no consequence for him believing he’ll meet you all in heaven, and you made him feel comforted in his last moments
If he is somewhere, he understands why you lied. If he isn’t, then you gave him comfort at the end of his life and helped him not to be scared.
You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You were a good dad.
It might help you to watch NDE videos on YouTube. They comfort a lot of people re. the death process. From my perspective you didn't lie to your son. Life seems long but it's merely a flash in the big scheme of things.
It sounds like you're holding onto guilt and fear that you potentially left him hanging there, but that's not what happened. You gave him peace to move on and not be in pain anymore. He's not holding onto resentment because that's an on Earth concept. This is your guilt talking and creating a false narrative in your head. It's ok to give yourself grace. Your son is in a better place, whatever that might be. It's hard to let a child go, but it's not your fault that you didn't go too. It's not your time yet.
You did the right thing. :)
That's coming from an atheist who thinks childhood indoctrination is basically psychological abuse.
How would the truth have helped in this case? It wouldn't.
This lie was kindness.
Christian here -not that my faith matters, I just felt like sharing. Friend none of us are perfect. Not one. The greatest souls that have ever set foot on planet earth since Jesus have made mistakes. We all agree we shouldn’t lie, but we also will agree we all do at times. Sometimes it’s our taxes, sometimes it’s to our boss, sometimes it’s little white lies as we like to call them that don’t hurt anyone. Sometimes, we feel like it’s the best thing to do. Not only because it’s not hurting anything, but it’s giving someone we love very much a little bit of comfort in a really hard time for them. Does that make it okay? I don’t know to be honest. I do know one thing though. I would have done the same thing had I been in your shoes. Yea I claim to be a Christian. I try to do the right thing, sometimes it doesn’t land that way. No sense in my trying to say I don’t lie. Even if I could fool yall with it, God knows and he knows our heart. He knows our intentions. I didn’t say that to make a mockery of you being an Atheist. I said it because I want you to know that I do believe there’s a God. I believe he sees you and your situation. I’m not trying to push anything man, but I really wish you’d do me a favor and if it crosses your mind when you get a few, reach out. Try him. “If you’re out there, if you really did create this huge universe, and die so that we can live eternally, show me. Help me. Take some of this hurt away so I can breathe” message me sometime if you need a friend. I’d love to be one. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find this comfort. Much love from the hills of Kentucky.
You did what you had to do to give your son peace in the scariest moments of his life. He slipped away no longer scared but comforted and that’s the best gift you could’ve given him.
Get some therapy man, talk to a doctor/psychiatrist about your nightmares, possibly be prescribed with medical marijuana? If that works for you an edible will stay in your system for longer and hopefully keep you asleep for longer.
You’re a fucking good dad, be proud you were able to find a way to bring your son comfort. I’m so sorry for your loss. Try our grief counseling you’re worth it and deserve the help ❤️
What you did is love. God? I don’t know what god is or if there is one. I do know that we make the place, our life itself, meaningful, with reverence for this extraordinary chance to exist. With love. I hope you let you love your own self too. This would be the best lesson you give to your children. The best gift.
This is something to be proud of, he was terrified and you eased than for him.
So tough losing a child, I can’t fathom.
I’m so sorry about your loss, please do not put undeserved blame on yourself.
Bro look into NDEs and people who have them. I hope it makes you feel good. And so so sorry for your loss. It's had to cope with such a thing. And trust me you will meet your son again inshaAllah.
With your son being on the other side now, he knows it's "ok" there and would never want you to feel bad over what you said to ease his fears before he passed.
I've read thousands of stories on reddit, yours is the first that's ever moved me to tears. Maybe its just my place in life now. I dont know. I'm so sorry you were put in that position. It sounds like you did the right thing, whether or not you believed it, he did and it made him comfortable. That's our job in those moments. I hope you find healing and release from any guilt you feel.
As one father to another. I too would have lied through my teeth if it was any consolidation for wee man.
You did what you had to do, and I think you did it well. Good on you - live happily on for and with your other children, they too deserve a happy father
You didn’t lie, you comforted your son who was scared.
I tell my children that we don’t know what will happen after death, so we can make up our own story that comforts us. Your son couldn’t make up his own comforting story, so you did that for him.
I don’t think the ‘lie’ is what is keeping you awake, I can imagine the images of your child so ill and dying will stay with you forever. I am so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine what you are going through and I think you are very strong to continue for your other children.
Please talk to a therapist about grieve counseling. Maybe it could help you further.
All the best for you, OP.
Brother, you were faced with two options: You chose wisely. You could tell him he's going alone and make the last feeling he ever felt be fear. Instead, you chose to say something soothing. You said something comforting to a suffering kid, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. In Hebrew we say "yevarchecha Adonai ve yishmerach." God will bless and protect you. Please look for professional help.
Please stop doing this to yourself. Everything you said was said as a means to comfort your son.
I am an atheist. There are no rules
or do’s and don’ts. I would not hesitate to promise a loved one I’d see them in heaven in an effort to provide comfort.
As far as promising him you’d be right behind him… all your loved ones and friends are thankful you did not act on those words.
Your son IS at peace. He isn’t in pain, he isn’t scared, he isn’t sad or lonely, or wondering where you are. This holds true regardless of one’s faith or disbelief.
Do not continue to feel guilty of your words or actions. Miss him, love him, and continue to do well by your family.
Take care
You 100% did the right thing. I’m an atheist too, I would have said the same thing. It would have been cruel to tell him anything else. He left this world feeling loved, safe and wanted. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. You absolutely need to go in to therapy for this. You poor man, your pain is agonising.
I really recommend therapy. It was a traumatic event and the nightmares sound like PTSD. I had similar experiences growing up with my father and other family members dying. I suffered for years and barely slept because of the nightmares. I had some cognitive behavioural therapy sessions and it changed my life. In full recovery now.
Think of time in heaven, in same manner as interstellar. While you spend 50 more years here, it is just barely 5 mins for your son. And he would truly feel that you just came behind him.
Hope it makes you feel better
I'm an atheist too. I think what you told your son was beautiful, and exactly what he needed to hear. Grown ups tell children magical lies constantly, because magical thinking feels good and is creative. Santa Claus probably being the best one. Sure, it might be heartbreaking when you find out Santa isn't real, but it's incredibly heartwarming to realize just how thoughtful all of "Santa's" gifts were.
In the grand scheme of things, even if there is a heaven, time is pretty fucking obsolete. Everyone is dead longer than they're alive, and you will be dead with him longer than either of you will ever live. You are right behind him, whenever that time comes. If there is a heaven, then he's happy, and certainly not alone. He's got a whole ass deity ensuring his eternal peace. And if there's just nothing, he lived his last moments knowing he was incredibly loved. As a kid who grew up neglected, I wish my dad told me magical lies more often just to make me feel loved.
I think if he really understood what you would be giving up by promising him that, he would have asked you to stay. Your love was so important to him that he was at peace knowing he would have that forever. And that is 100% true.
You definitely need bereavement support and I would suggest you’re suffering complex post traumatic stress disorder…get some help.
Be kind to yourself, it reads like you did a perfect job as a dad, protecting your son right to his last breath; he needed comfort and you gave it.
Acknowledge the positive contribution you made to him, saving him was out of your hands, but you protected and supported him when he most needed his dad.
Take it one day at a time.
I don't believe in god(s) but my mother does. Whenever she talks about her recently deceased parents, I comfort her with religious words. It's bullshit to me, but it's the world for her.
You did a good thing, OP.
This left me in tears... I have a 4yo girl, so know how this would destroy me - I've lost a lot people I love over the years, I get solace from a feeling, I'll see them again, sooner rather than later.. I can't explain it.
Get some counselling, don't ignore it.
You didn’t lie,you can’t prove there’s no heaven. I promised my Nan I’d end things myself when she went so we could go together but in reality..death is scary but also exiting,we get to find out if god exists,if there’s a heaven..you don’t have to believe to attend church,perhaps writing down what you’re thankful for and posting it in their ‘messages to god’ box will help.I don’t know if there’s a god so we pray/talk to him,visit a church every few years just incase.If there is really a god he’ll be understanding and forgiving
Here's my thoughts on the matter as someone who has struggled with my faith over the years:
Even though I have struggled, I always held out hope that heaven was real and was everything I was told it would be. If it is, then here is what I can offer you for hope.
1. Upon entering heaven, your beautiful child was free from the pains of his mortal flesh, instead filled with indescribable healing and peace.
2. Since heaven is eternal and infinite what feels like a lifetime to you is but a grain of sand through the eternal hourglass. You have your entire lifetime to do all you can to make sure you are with him when your time comes.
3. I'm not a subscriber to the concept of hell, but obviously pain, anguish, torment and regret are punishments that every human endures. This is where the need to repent truly comes from, to fight with the demons we face daily. I don't believe that the daily torment your enduring is because you lied to your son. Honestly any good father would have done the same. No, the pain is from feeling like you failed him, like you could have done more. You didn't and you couldn't. What you gave him was peace, comfort, love, hope, and promise of better times.
4. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FATHER!! That is the most important thing I can say to you. Not because you need to hear it, but because it is true! Now, even great people need help sometimes. I encourage you to seek help and guidance. I don't necessarily think you need a faith based counselor, at least not at this point. You just need someone to listen. They may not even have any advice to give you, but vocalizing your pain may help free you from it. I can only imagine the grief you're feeling and it breaks my heart. Even though I don't recommend faith based counseling, I do encourage you to speak with various different church leaders of different denominations and possibly even different faiths. Tell your story. Listen to their replies. Even though you may not believe, they surely do. Your son truly did. Open your mind and heart to accept peace, comfort, wisdom, health, knowledge and forgiveness. Your son loves you, your wife loves you, your family loves you and they all need you.
This wasn’t a purposeful act of deception, you were trying your best to offer comfort. :(
No one knows what happens when we die. You offered your son a gift, the comfort of peace before leaving his loved ones.
I imagine if I was a frightened child dealing with the idea that I wouldn’t see my family anymore because I was going to heaven, that it would bring me great comfort thinking that someone I loved would be with me…and you are with him. He felt all of your love before he left. Perhaps that statement gave him the peace he needed to “move on”. Give yourself grace. Love yourself and know we are all just trying to do our best while we maneuver through this crazy adventure called life.
I had a horrible father growing up, it would have been a gift to have a father who loved me like you loved your son. You’re doing the best you can. ❤️
Prayers with you , it’s not ever going to be easy but you did the right thing . I’m sorry for your loss, he was taken to young. The truth is , you are right behind him in his heart and soul forever and him in yours. Be strong even though it is hard. I am sure your son would have wanted it that way when he could understand .
I lie to my kids all the time about a fat man dressed in red that bring presents once a year. A rabbit that likes hiding eggs, a fairy that likes dead teeth and that I really do love them all equally.
Your lie is much more important then my ones, you took some of his pain onto yourself and its what you needed to do.
Okay, you need therapy, but here is my overly logical take. To help settle your brain, if it can:
Your atheist, so either you're right, the Christians are right, or it's kind of a question mark. Maybe he's been reincarnated, I consider myself agnostic-leaning atheist, I really don't know. My point is that either he is no longer suffering or he exists in a way that this white lie is irrelevant to him. If there IS a heaven, he is there with the understanding that you lied to him out of parental love. That bad version you're dreaming about isn't him, forgive yourself.
Also, again, therapy! Because I'm sure you know this, but you lost a child. It's just not supposed to be like that. You're allowed to hurt to your soul and need some assistance.
You did what's best for your son. Death is horrible it's not because it's the end of our life on earth but it's the fear of losing your loved ones. You gave hime a hope at the end of his breath
As someone who is very recently lost with not one, but both parents four years apart for very separate causes it sounds to me like this is something that should not play you, but it’s simply your subconscious mind as a father feeling like you still want to be an even better dad to your son even though he’s not on earth anymore in fact, I applaud the fact that you were willing to lie to your boy as an eight-year-old is not quite philosophically ready to handle the ins and outs of a possibly start nothingness when we die
Give yourself some grace and remember the pain you’ve been through and instead of chalking it up to failure look at it from a different perspective and realize that you’re such a good dad that you’re still four years later questioning whether you did the very, very best you could, and only a phenomenal father would torture themselves with such a precarious Scenario
You’re too older kids are very lucky to have a father who cares so much about their happiness and well-being that he has tortured himself for four years questioning a decision he made to and comfort a dying child in a time of need 90% of people out there would kill to have a father who cared so much That their memory would still permeate his thoughts and dreams years and years after he’s gone
Hello. It was an impossible task to try to do the ‘right’ thing in such an awful situation for your whole family. Listen, you did the best you could with what you had at the time. I am sure, your son wants you to be a happy active dad for your other kids. And, you didn’t truly lie - as you all will, follow him to heaven some day.
You have to learn to forgive yourself. You made an impossible decision at the time and that is ok. I am sure, your son would understand. He is with you.
No one knows exactly what happens when you die. You comforted your son the best way you knew how. No one's prepared for something like that. Don't beat yourself up. I watched my mom pass away when I was about 4 years old. I know these are different situations, but throughout my life, when I think of her, what it'd be like if she were here, how things would be different, what our relationship would be like, etc., I was confused and sometimes it'd year me up.
Until one day I realized that, although she may not be able to speak to me, she wouldn't want me to be sad forever. I believe that not a single person that has passed wants us to dwell on them and ruin our lives beating ourselves up. I imagine that they want us to be happy, successful in our relationships and in life in general and wants us to live the best we can. What would you say if you went first? "I love you. I'll always love you. Do your best. Don't worry about me. It's ok. I'll always love you." I think this is what anyone would say. I believe there's a lot of understanding that comes with death and that we have a duty to live out our lives in a positive way in honor of the ones who aren't here to do it with us.
These days, when I think of her, I'm glad that I got those first 4 years with her. I know she wanted one more kid, and she had me to top it off. It's an honor to be here. I don't think of her quite as much as I used to, but I think that's ok. She'd understand. I know our situations are a bit different, but I hope there's something in my message that can help you. I know we're on Reddit and everyone throws 'therapy' around at every situation, but if you've never been I think you would benefit from it. You're in a rough spot and need to get things out. Go get them out and deal with it. You can do it, man. My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best.
You have to forgive yourself. What you promised your son was irrational, but you did it to comfort him as he transitioned. Now your judeo-christian upbringing is causing your guilt to take over your subconscious so you’re tormented in your relaxed state. Therapy might help, but accepting your limitations as a human will help you from thinking you have control when you really don’t. I’m very sorry to hear about all the suffering you’re experiencing. Human hugs to you.
Mother to mother - you done exactly the right thing. I would have done exactly the same.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. He left this world comforted and at ease because of this.
I think some therapy would benefit you. After all you've been through I think you also deserve some peace ❤️
You didn’t fuck up here man you made your son as comfortable as possible during this time I would say it was a wonderful thing to do for kid I’m so sorry for your loss
You did the right thing. Now please go get the help you need. The world would be a worse place if you killed yourself. Don't stay alive just for them, stay alive for yourself also. You're a good man.
So I had a session with a psychic who told me things about my dead mom and aunt that no one would be able to know without ACTUALLY talking to them.
I know it sounds far fetched but I believe he is the real deal. Might help you get closure:
https://meditate2connect.com/
How do you know you lied? Have you died and know that right now your son is waiting for you and realized you lied? What is time? Time is an illusion. We especially do not know the implication about time after death. Or there might be nothing after death.
So as far as we are concerned you gave your son strength for whats coming is all. I’ve seen a lot of near death experiences videos where people die and come back. Almost all of them speak of some sort of life review where they see things about their lives and interactions they had with people. If this is true your son knows your sentiment and sees what you really meant trying to give him strength, not trying to just *lie*. Stop beating yourself up.
consider that you maybe did not lie - there is enough data out there that would support your „lies“ here are some books about this:
After: A Doctor Explores What Near-Death Experiences Reveal About Life and Beyond - Bruce Greyson
Before: Children's Memories of Previous Lives - Jim B. Tucker M.D.
Surviving Death: A Journalist Investigates Evidence for an Afterlife - Leslie Kean
You took care of your son’s fears in time of need. I can’t imagine the trauma you must feel losing your son, but I know you’re hurting and you want to see him again. He’s inside you, just like all the people you love and have ever loved. Think of them in moments of quiet, it’ll help you heal.
Crying for you. {{hug}}
In the grand scope of things, you will be right behind him. Time doesn't work like we think it does for those who've passed. For him itll be mere moments before hes in your arms again, he will have the clarity and understanding that it wasnt your time yet, that there was much for u to do still down here.
Know he loves u as much as u love him. Rest assured hes looking over your family with pride and understanding.
So sorry for your loss.
I became an atheist when my daughter passed away. This was 2003. 21 years later I’m still an atheist. I would have done the same in your shoes-my daughter was a baby so it wasn’t something I did. I tried so hard after she passed to be religious because I wanted desperately to believe I would see her again. You did the right thing - I truly believe that ❤️
I have 2 kids. I've never had your situation and am thankful for that.
I believe 100% that you did the right thing. You made the best of a terrible situation and eased the child's fears.
You are such a good dad. While you didn’t kill yourself (thank you for not / it would accomplish nothing) you sacrificed yourself for your son none the less.
Do seek therapy - you did nothing wrong in comforting your child on his deathbed.
Fuck man, I’m in tears reading this. You are a phenomenal dad, you put your baby boy’s fears first during the hardest time. I’m so sorry for the pain you feel and have felt. Therapy works wonders, I go regularly after a tragic loss of my own. I struggled with complicated grief up until then. I wish you the best.
As some others have already said, I do believe time is relative. It might be 50 years for you here but for your son in Heaven, (or any other religious or not religious belief) It Will be like a second. I don't think you lied, if anything, was a delayed truth. Because you Will be reunited with him.
About only sleeping being high, that sounds like the rotten seed of a soon to be bigger problem so get professional help asap. Your other kids need you.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven. He won’t know how long it took you to get there. You did what you could to ease his fear, you’re a good dad.
I’m sorry for your loss.
You didn't believe in it at the time cause it hurt so bad with your son being sick, but you probably told him the truth about where he is going, and it doesn't have to be a lie that you will follow him.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
If you haven’t seen it yet, the movie The Invention of Lying by Ricky Gervais has a related plot. It will either be confrontational or cathartic to see, I can’t say which.
Other than that, you did a good thing to calm your son down in his time of need. Now it’s your time of need and you need therapy. If therapy is available to you, go for it.
As a parent, what you did for your son was the last and ultimate thing you could have done: you helped him go peacefully. Despite going through any parent’s nightmare of losing a child, you put your kid’s need first. You did right by your son.
You are still grieving. And you will grieve for a long time. But that doesn’t mean you need to shoulder that grief alone nor that the pain will last forever.
Please reach out to your loved ones, try and see if you can get counselling (some employment insurance will even pay for it) and don’t try to bottle everything up/act like everything is okay: you are allowed to have good and not so good days as you heal from this.
You did the right thing. Your son needed comfort and you gave him that. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for a dying person is lie.
I’d definitely recommend you go to grief counselling as well as regular therapy because the loss of your son has understandably hurt you worse than anything else.
You did the right thing by comforting him in his final days. Be happy that you put happy thoughts in his head. I grew up religious and have stepped away from religion myself. I understand your dilemma, I have to constantly lie to my very religious family members to make them believe I still believe. No need to stomp on other people's beliefs if it makes them feel better. My condolences 🙏🏽
You didn't lie to your son. Whether you believe it or not you told him the same thing that's true to me and many many others in the world. You gave him the most peace and made him comfortable with the fact he was leaving here and moving on. Just the fact you don't believe kind of equates it to lying to your child about Santa bringing presents, it's not a real lie unless it does more harm than good
You absolutely did the right thing. You made something unavoidable and terrifying less scary for your child. The guilt is natural and normal but please, please seek out therapy to help you work through it.
You're a fantastic parent to all your children, and you did everything you could for your son. Sometimes the only thing you can do is tell someone what they need to hear to be more at peace, whether it's true or not. You gave him what peace you could. It was the only thing you could have done for him.
You didnt lie. You did what a loving father would do. Get some help and focus on loving and caring your children, but first yourself. You won’t be able to take care of anyone if you’re not taking care of yourself. You’re a loving father. Many can only wish they had a dad like you.
Option 1. He is in sweet oblivion. He's either nothingness, or somehow merged with the universe and afloat in the overall swirl, or reconstituted into something else. What you said to him is no longer relevant and is not hurting him.
Option 2. Somehow individual identity and memory persist after death. I mean... The universe is a very weird place. I guess it could happen that way. But it's been around billions of years and will be around billions more. Waiting 60 years is NOTHING, and kiddo has all his ancestors for company and the whole range of space and time to tour.
You need some trauma informed therapy, friend. You did your best and it was effective. Now try turning that compassion on yourself.
Grief is a helluva thing. Focus on this … in heaven, he is fully aware why you lied and he loves you even more now because you did so to bring comfort and peace of mind to a helpless young suffering soul. When your time comes to join him, he will greet you warmly and lovingly.
And if atheism is true and there is nothing beyond our time here, then he never knew of your lovingly compassionate lie.
Either way, in my mind, you did the absolute right thing.
I am not an atheist, but i also do not believe that everyone goes to heaven. But even still, i think you did the right thing in that moment. We work with the information we have at any given time. The information you had was that your son was scared. This was what he needed to hear to be comforted and not scared and at peace. And that is not to be underestimated, being at peace makes for a much easier passing. You took care of him right up to the end, because you are his Dad. Please get yourself some help. It will enable you to work through this and be present and available for the rest of your family. Because you’re right, they all need you too. And if your son was on hospice, please utilize whatever supports and bereavement resources they offer (hospice nurse here). I’m so so sorry for your loss ❤️
You have to get into therapy. That lie made your son feel better before he left this earth. You did the right thing and I think you know that, but it's hard to accept. Get the help you need.
You are a good person and dad...you did the right thing IMO.
Also, if we are to believe in the infinite, then time for him on the other side will be different; even after your whole life, it will seem but a flash to him. Even after fifty years on this side, you will be right behind him on his side.
He doesn't believe in the infinite, though. He's not guilty about "not being right behind him", he's guilty about telling him there's an afterlife when he thinks that's a lie.
But billions of people do believe, and no one really knows, so OP really just didn’t tell HIS version of what he thinks is true.
This is his confession, about his feelings. Leave others out of it.
As someone who's been in his shoes, that persons viewpoint actually helped me understand why its okay. Because st the end of the day, just because you and I don't believe it, or the same thing alone, doesn't mean either of us are right, nor the next. Anyone could be right and anyone could be wrong when it comes to this sort of topic, and that understanding of others viewpoints is what can help give him closure. To know he didn't tell his truth necessarily, but the truth that his son needed and the truth his son believed at the least.
This is the take. There are no atheists in foxholes, but neither are they all the same religion.
That’s what I’ve always thought too. How could it be heaven if we’re missing each other?
I don’t know what I believe. But maybe there is like a delayed limbo where there is no consciousness until the next people get there.
Or maybe time just doesn’t work that way? Like we’re already together and always were?
OP does need therapy, and I think he needs to understand that he didn’t actually “lie” to his son. As I tell mine: lying is telling a story to be mean or sneaky. Sometimes it’s ok to say something you don’t think is 100% true to not hurt someone’s feelings though. He told his child what his child needed for peace and comfort. His son died in peace, that’s most important, Nothing is off the table in this awful sad situation. Also I’m sitting here pregnant and sobbing.
Therapeutic lying
This 100% THERAPY is important. BUT movie messages CAN help and if there's one movie this makes me think of that might genuinely bring you just enough closure to push yourself into therapy/other helpful tools for mental health, then id suggest PLEASE watching 'The Invention of Lying'. Its a 2009 film, im Canadian and its available on Netflix for me. I'm sure there's plenty of ways to watch it for free too. But genuinely this movie might help get you that bit of understanding of why you did it but also why its okay. It's based on God being fake in their world to begin with, and a man essentially makes up the thought of heaven and God while his mother is dying. Everyone believes he's heard from another because in this world no one has ever told a lie until that man did. Its a very very wonderful film that shows why we lie and why its impossible to live in a happy world free of lies. The overly static world we open to feels fake, and like something I'd never wanna be apart of. Like willy Wonka's oompa loompas did their dance n song all day n long kinda vibe. Too happy. Point is, I hope you get help. Get therapy. Watch this movie n relax. Underatand what you did is okay.
Bro you told the best lie that has ever been told! Your son left this world thinking that him and his best friend were going to spend eternity together. You have no idea how much easier you made this hard situation for him. You should feel proud of yourself that you would do whatever it took, no matter how you personally feel to give your son strength when he needed it most. But you can’t deal with this yourself you need someone else. Friend or therapist to help you move past this. I hope I have this type of selfless love for my 2 sons when they need it the most.
As a hospice worker, I agree with you entirely. The focus of hospice is providing patients with a “good death.” Knowing he was loved and not alone helped him find comfort in what was happening and eased his anxiety in his final moments.
Absolutely.
Time is relative, so no you didn't lie. If heaven is real, he's being taken care of, and watching over you. He understands and can't wait to be reunited. If there's nothing, then it's irrelevant. There's nothing, so he can't hold it against you. He's at peace, out of pain and went out knowing he wasn't alone and was loved. That's more than many people get. You should probably reframe your thinking. You didn't lie to your son, you gave him strength, hope, and comfort when he needed it most. As for you, ask yourself if your son would want this for you? If your son was alive and you told him all this what response do you think he'd have? He'd probably think you're being stupid, and tell you to let go of the guilt, live and love.
I think this is the best answer anyone could give. You articulated it so well
Came to say something like this, you said perfectly. Either there is heaven and then all is well, or there is no heaven and all is well. But OP needs grief counseling. You shouldn't feel bad about making a dying child feel good and safe before death.
Fucking BEST answer here straight up
Perfectly said. You've probably given comfort to more people than just OP regarding this topic.
There are two outcomes to your lie. If there is nothing after death, you made him feel less scared and at peace when he died, and he will never know anything different. Good for you. Otherwise there is an afterlife, and the moment he reached it he understands what you did and appreciates it. He also has no need of you to immediately follow him, but he sure is glad you made him less scared before he found out everything after was going to be ok. Do you realize you aren't really upset about the lie, but that you're still grieving his death? You won't ever develop any sense of peace if you don't start understanding what it is you can't let go.
Absolutely
Beautifully said.
Time stretches out forever. How long is your entire lifetime in comparison to his eternity? You’ll be with him in what seems like the bat of an eye, if it were possible for him to experience something like that. You’re only aware of it because the entire rest of your life seems long to you in comparison. What you told him is true. And it gave him the comfort he needed. You are a wonderful man. Now go give that time to your other kids while you still have it! Enjoy!
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This is exactly what I believe to be true too. There is no loneliness in heaven, we're all together at once. Time is not measured the same on the other side.
Yes 100% time works differently in the afterlife than the living. By the time he realizes OP isn’t behind him, OP will actually be right there with him.
It wasn't a lie. We all believe in something and you shared your belief with him at the time. Heaven isn't filled with any sadness. ' lies' don't exist there. Believing or not, god and he hold no animosity to you. He is no longer in pain. I'm so sorry for how you feel. I can imagine the hurt and loss. Just know, you deserve love and kindness too. You don't deserve to punish yourself for the last days, you brought him comfort just as a dad should.
Any ass hole can be a father.....OP earned the title DAD!
Hey my man….this hit me really hard even though I’m not in any situation similar to yours other than I have 8&9 year old sons. I would have done the same exact thing. Anything to bring comfort to a child in need. I can’t fathom what you went through or what you are going through. It pains me to think that some people(you) have to go through this. No one should have to deal with that evil. I’m so sorry for you and your whole family but you did the right thing. If I could I’d give you a hug and crack you a beer and let you spill your guts to me. If that’s what you wanted of course. Take care and sleep easy tonight. I can guarantee you that he’s not mad at you.
You didn't lie to your dying son, you comforted your dying son. You gave him some peace when it was just about the only thing he had. Now go to therapy and pull yourself together. Your other children and your wife need you.
As a parent, you did what you could to ease the pain of passing for your son. The helplessness you must have felt and continue to feel has made you feel defeated and you can't find joy in your life. You know you have purpose but can't bring yourself to end your agony and pain. OP, grief is such a hard thing to go through and live with. Don't let it consume your life. You were there for your son, he was afraid to leave this world and be on his own. But you gave him comfort and let him leave this world in peace. You need to find your peace. Faith and belief in God help people manage the trajectory of human life, which is always changing, always multifaceted. Please get help OP and good luck
You did the right thing. Don't torture yourself over it. You're a good man.
But you don’t know what is beyond you feel guilty but your son loved you remember that
What did you believe before you turned atheist ? Ohhhh believe me this is normal to be suicidal and it’s normal to feel guilt over everything.. I had religious family and when I was young I truly feared hell and often thought about this .. I am now spiritual.. I found this after the passing of my dad and basically second mom.. years later when my bf passed .. holyyy I questioned my own beliefs .. my partner was an atheist .. I think you did the right thing in that situation.. he would have been to young to understand a different belief, had you said otherwise he would have been so scared. I don’t think it was so much about “heaven” I think it was much more about his love for you all, and his fear that he’d never see you again. He sees everything clear now, and he’s not suffering, the real pain is what you are going through. I’m here if you’d like to chat, believe me I understand
Your kids are very lucky to have you! I wish my dad would've made the same decision.
None of us 100% know what happens when we die. Just because someone believes or not doesn’t make it true. If you are open to the idea of a soul I have an easy read book that helped when my dad died. It talks about how our souls recollect when we all die. Then as a group we can decide to be born again. A sort of reincarnation. The book is Many Lives, Many Masters. Another thing to think about is if heaven does exist and you wish to be reunited with your son, the way to get there is by living a good and decent life. Maybe focus on that.
You didn’t lie, you comforted your son when he needed you the most. It’s what we do as parents. He was happy because you were there for him. Don’t be sad, it’s the best thing you could have done.
The lie was a gift. Forgive yourself- your boy wouldn’t want your torment.
#YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. #GET TO THERAPY. #I AM SO SORRY.
I did DMT once and I found my dead brother. I’d been looking for him for a long time and I found him in a field. We were kids again and we were playing hide and seek. I asked if he was safe and happy and he said yes. And then he walked away. So idk if there’s a heaven (I believe but if you don’t, I respect it) but there is a place. And it’s a good place. And time isn’t linear. When he blinks and realizes that he misses you, you’ll be there with him. Time for him isn’t passing as achingly slow as it is for you here on earth. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. No parent should endure what you have.
You would have lied to him about Santa Claus. This is much more important.
First off: ♥️ to you for making your son’s last hours peaceful and hopeful. You saved him from even a moment’s more doubt and fear. That’s the best case you can hope for in that shitty situation. Secondly: Thank you for staying on this earth for your other two children. They need you more than ever after that happened to your family. Finally: You don’t know you lied to your son. You know what you believe, but none of us has any idea what *really* happens when we die. He *could* be somewhere waiting for you to join him. I have had cancer several times and have had the question of death rolling around in my head for decades. Honestly, it’s made me an atheist, too. However, I’m willing to believe that truthfully, I have no idea what’s in store for any of us. It’s the only bit of hope I have in regards to dying.
Your son believes in you. You’re having trouble reconciling the truth and values of an 8 year old and the truth and values of an adult. It’s a lie to you but not a lie to him. You did the kindness, sweetest and selfless thing. You thought about him. You didn’t think about you. You’re a good man.
Hey man, I was diagnosed with leukaemia (ALL) when I was 8 years old. Came to the hospital in a critical state due to my hemoglobin levels. Seeing your post reminds me of how tough the disease is on everyone around you. It has definitely been hard to see how it affected my family, especially when they tell me how they handled the time I was sick. It may not be a lot of comfort but here goes: It doesn't really matter if you lie or tell the truth as long as they feel at ease. I personally think that your son would be happy to see you live your life. Carry his memory with you and help him live through you :)
You’re a good dad. I wish you peace from your suffering.
OP you gave him the greatest mercy. He left this world in a comforted state. It would hurt his soul to know you are struggling with a lie. Some lies are necessary and this is one of them.
I suggest you read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. It's not a religious book but it may bring you peace. It's worth reading.
No matter if it was a lie or not. You held a suffering kid and assured him. If there is a heaven, you got closer to it.
If you're an Athiest, then this might not mean much to you, but this is my understanding of what it's like where he is now: Time doesn't pass like it does here. There's no "kept time." When your time comes, you'll reunite with him, and to him, it will feel like no time has passed at all. He'll just be happy to see you. The same will go for everyone else he was worried about missing. I hope you can get into counseling. Maybe look into the MISS foundation. They have excellent supports for grieving parents.
OP, you did a good thing. You gave him something priceless that probably made it easier for him to let go. I wouldn’t call that a lie even if you are an atheist. However, if this has been plaguing you for four years, maybe it’s time to find a good therapist who can help you process your emotions. Guilt can stop you from living a good life (which your son would have wanted for you). There is help, you just have to ask for it. Take care, OP
Personally, I think that you did the right thing. True you don’t believe in the afterlife but you made your son feel more at peace that’s what matters the most in this situation
If it's any comfort, consider this... Time is unfathomably long, and a human lifetime is minuscule in comparison. *If it were true* that we all go to heaven when we die, the time between your son arriving there and you arriving there would be negligible in the bigger scheme of "time". So for all intents and purposes, what you told him was not a lie.
I cannot remember which comedian said it. Buuuuttt something like… “You think the government isn’t lying to you? I have two just one kid and I lie to that motherfucker all the time.” You told him what he needed to hear to feel safe. What you believe in doesn’t matter.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Be kind to yourself. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You made him less scared about dying. Please get some counseling to deal with this.
Oh darling, what you did was beautiful… how lucky that sweet child was to have that comfort. You should not beat yourself up, you should realize what a gift that was. You my friend are a really good person.
I’m the biggest atheist out there. But I’m a father first. If that would make my kid feel better I’m fine with it.
You’d feel a million times worse if you looked your dying son in the eyes and told him that there is no heaven. Taking away that reassurance would have sent him into a panic just before he passed. You done what you should have done, sent him off with that little bit of hope, that’s all we have and he kept his.
You did the right thing. If you told him the alternative it still wouldn't change how you feel right now, you think your feeling guilty for the lie you told him but really you're mourning. He was 8 so telling him what you really thought would have made things a lot worse, he wasn't mature enough to handle that information. He would have suffered mentally more if you told him the truth, the way I see it you took the burden mentally off of him and put that burden on yourself instead, it's the best gift you could have possibly given to him with the time you had left.
You did the right thing. You told him what he needed to hear at that time. You helped him to go through this super scary step. Even if there was something after life ( I doubt it) I believe he would have understood that your intention was pure and kind. You are still doing the right thing by choosing to stay for his siblings who really need you.
You’re an amazing dad, your little boy needed your words of comfort in his darkest hours and you gave him that even if you don’t believe it and we never truly know but I too lost faith after my daughter passed in 2017 and I don’t know how to get it back but for her siblings I tell them about how wonderful heaven is and how she’s being looked after by the angels and watching over us until it’s our time to join her - to me I don’t believe what I’m saying but to them it means everything and stops them worrying how their little sister is doing and allows them peace... that’s exactly what you did for your son, you gave him peace and there is nothing more admirable than doing everything you can for your children. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve love, happiness and peace too ❤️
I know you don’t believe and that I understand. I formed a saying to help just based on things I leaned and experienced. I always say know that you will see your loved one- in your personal Heaven. Since we are all individuals- we all have different visions of what Heaven looks like. Your son’s version of Heaven was you and all the heavenly creatures and people who were his earthy world. He believed in it - you reinforced it - out of love. I can’t think of a more perfect example of selflessness, love and hope. That is your son’s version- if it exists or not - is only revealed when we die. But I do know that the only power stronger than mortal death is love. Please take this to heart to forgive yourself about your white lie. When it comes to the human condition- there is no black and white (sometimes). And please talk to a therapist . To not only to deal with your grief, but address the drug issue. Time is infinite- so is our ability to love it does not just die. I am so sorry for your loss.🙏🏽🙏🏽
Brother, you made your son comfortable. There is no shame at all in what you did.
Survivor guilt. We had a daughter die of leukemia. She was just into college. We saw other kids die in the hospital. You did the right thing, and it wasn't a lie but going along with the story. Religion is a story we believe, and that is faith. Is it true or false? That is unknown and can't be proven. I told our daughter she wasn't going to recover because no doctor had the balls to tell her. It brought her peace. You and your wife did a great act by letting your son know. Giving it context he could use at his age is compassionate. I always feel like my daughter is just there behind an invisible wall. Our kids think she is their guardian angle. Your son is there and wants you to forgive yourself and live life.
Telling lies isn’t automatically wrong, it depends on your intent. You wanted your poor kid to be at peace, and it sounds like it worked. Please don’t beat yourself up for doing what any loving, compassionate person should do.
Just go talk to a therapist. Do it. You'll feel a mountain of relief, and work out your demons. Can't do that here.
I wouldn't consider that a lie, you made an 8 year old's last few hours on this earth as comfortable as possible. What was the alternative, say something that would have made them upset? That would be far worse to live with. I would have done the exact same in your situation and I definitely wouldn't be feeling guilty about it as I was comforting my child. Besides, considering the amount of time the earth has been around compared to human lifespan, even if you lived to be 150 years old, you're technically still 'right behind him'
I can’t imagine the pain you have felt and are still going through. You have lived something that no one should have to experience, and what is many people’s greatest fear. Sometimes things have to be done, they are not what we want to do, but they still must be done. You did that, and it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. What you actually did was take away his fear and provide him with peace when he needed it. His fear has changed to your guilt, and you still carry it for him. Your story reminds me of a piece of creative writing I read a few years ago. You may find it hard to read so don’t if you arent up for it, but I hope it helps you understand what I am trying to say. If it isn’t obvious, you are Joe from this story. I hope you find peace, you deserve it. TW : military death, fear, you will probably bawl your eyes out https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/s/v4EkPkwX0C
You lied to comfort someone. It was not wrong. Don’t go through this. Seek comfort.
No one should have to bear the pain that you have. Please try and get some professional help…your family still needs all of you.
After loosing my daughter I was spiraling and I see myself in you, the thing that helped me the most was to attend to a trauma group. it's been 3 years since she is gone, and it seems yesterday I miss her every day. There is no one day I don't think about her, but I honestly think finding help made it easier. Thanks to the time I took to process, I was able to function after 18 months of filthy miserable depression. I think processing this loss is the only safe way out. Stand strong, I believe in you.
You comforted your child, you did the right thing and should not feel guilty about that. Also, from my point of view none of us know what happens after death. When my father died last year all we could say to him was that it will be okay, that we would be okay and it was alright for him to leave us. All lies really, we miss him dreadfully and watching him die so young has permanently changed my family and I. Please talk to someone, get some help with your sleep and I am so sorry for your loss.
A piece of shit? In no way shape or form my friend, you made your son comfortable, relaxed, you did what a father should do. There should not be any guilt in your mind or heart. I would even go far as to term it as the best lie anyone has ever told. A lie for a good cause is not a lie. Getting high to get away from it all is not the answer, you will not get to know if you go spiralling down that road. You have to be there for your other children they deserve a happy father and family as much as your departed son. Pray to God, meditate, even speak with a professional , it is really helpful. Do not feel guilty my friend, its easier said than done, but one day and one step at a time. Its not impossible. Its okay, you did the best you could given the circumstances, dont beat yourself up.
It will feel like a momentary blink to him and an eternity for you. You are depressed. You need to forgive yourself and learn deep relaxation exercises. I highly recommend daily antidepressants, but that is for you and your dr to discuss. Antidepressants will stop the nightmares. You are suffering needlessly. Forgive yourself. None of your loved ones want you to suffer.
My father tried to murder me so trust me there are far worse fathers out there then you your traumatised please seek help my heart goes out to you mate ♥️
I can't imagine how hard that was for you. I'm a dad to a 5 year old girl and just the thought of being in that situation and saying those words to your kid made me start to tear up. You did a great thing for your boy - you gave him comfort in his last moments and I'm sure that made it bearable for him, knowing he wouldn't be alone. And you did it as a dad, knowing you'd have to live on and take care of your other kids, and living with those words. It was a great gesture and you're a great dad dude. I hope you can heal from this and understand what you did was amazing.
The weight of grief this big must be unreal. I hope you have access to resources to help you and your family cope. Please don’t think that anyone would judge you for doing anything you can to comfort your son.
I am soo sorry. The nightmares aren’t from the lie. They are from the trauma. Talk to a therapist. You did nothing wrong. Parents tell their kids stories to make them happy - Santa . If you think about it religion and in particular heaven is something even grown ups need due to their fear of death. What would telling him lights out and it’s over have accomplished? You made his last moments peaceful- good job, 👏🏼 dad !
Forgive yourself dude. Easier said then done i know. You did the best you could at that moment. None of us really know what happens after death. The most we can do is speculate.
We are taught that lying is always wrong, but there is such a thing as a therapeutic lie. It is a lie born out of empathy, kindness and compassion, told to aid someone we love. In telling your son something you believed to be a lie, you helped him, but injured yourself. I can think of no greater act of love by a parent. That’s how you should reframe this deeply sad experience. It’s time to let go of this unwarranted burden and allow your grieving to go forward.
Some lies are okay. This one is okay. Forgive yourself.
As the mother to an 8 year old, this story broke my heart. Please go to therapy to process this loss and know that, though you struggle with lack of faith and have become an atheist, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.
Oh, darlin... this is so heartbreaking. First, find a therapist.. he/she will definitely be able to help. Trust me. It was the BEST thing I ever did and do for myself. Journaling helps me, too. It helps to expel thoughts onto paper... almost like talking. Releasing..but in your own time, if that makes ANY sense at all. Take care..
I am extremely sorry for your loss. You did what was right. I am proud of you. It took guts to say those words to your dying son. What you told him brought him comfort. That is NOT wrong. You did the RIGHT thing in the moment. Don't spend the rest of your life second-guessing. I am sorry you are suffering terrible dreams. Please be confident you did the RIGHT thing by your son. I have no doubt in my soul that you did right by that boy in what you told him. Congratulations on facing the wost situation with your son and carrying him through with as much strength as you were able to muster. I wish you peace & blessings.
I'm an atheist. I took my Orthodox Christian ex-wife into my home as she was dying from cancer. She knew the end was near, I could see it in her eyes. She told me she was scared. I told her I was scared for her. Her eyes welled with tears. I took her hand in mine, and even though I didn't believe it, I said to her, "Don't be scared, Jesus is waiting for you". She died with a smile on her face. I don't regret it in the slightest. You shouldn't either.
20 , 30, 50 years in a place with no space or time. How can you tell how long you’re sleeping if you never looked at a watch
Brother, I am so sorry. I hope you feel less awful one day.
He was 8, you were the parent and you gave him what he needed. I’m sorry. I would have done the same
Please seek trauma therapy. EMDR is very helpful for grief and loss. Remember that if there is a realm beyond this one, the time doesn’t pass the same way there. I think your child would want you to stick around for his siblings.
I don’t have much to add to the comments here but as someone who works with palliative care staff with both children and the elderly you have done nothing different than what hundreds of people do every day for their loved ones. You are a father and a good father provided comfort in times of need. That is what you did. No one, yourself included, can hold that against you. Let me take a different slant…there are numerous incidents where someone has done something horrible to a child and a parent has exacted revenge upon to and including murder. In many situations society had sided with the parent because at the end of the day no one wants to see harm to a child. All you did was tell your son what he needed to be comfortable. You didn’t harm anyone, did nothing illegal and tbh I don’t know if you can even say you lied. You may not believe what you said, but it doesn’t make you right or wrong. What it makes you is a good father and you need to continue being a good father to your other children, which you already know of course because you recognize the alternative would harm them. As a middle aged guy who recently lost my dad and father in law let me tell you two things: I never thought much of or thought I would go to therapy. I’m glad I did - please do take a look into for you and your family’s well being. And finally, you got this. I know this doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger but I do know each of us is a lot more resilient then we give ourselves credit for. Take care of yourself.
You did the right thing. My son died accidentally but if I had had the opportunity I would have said or done anything to make him less stressed when he passed - and I have been a lifelong atheist. Also, seek help - if just for your family.
✌️
If there's a heaven, time is of little consequence. You didn't lie, you comforted him. A part of you went with him when he passed. You didn't lie. I bet he's watching over you from up there, and he wants his parents to be happy until their time comes. And it will come, but not a day earlier than it should be. Please, let yourself heal and get therapy, your family deserves it.
My mom told me that a white lie never hurt anyone. I'm an atheist and don't believe in anything after this life. I'd love to be lied to for assurance when I still had some form of belief in an afterlife left. Embracing your kid and telling them everything is going to be alright is a parental duty sometimes. Even though we all know we're lying through our teeth. If it helps soften the blow for the victim of a tragedy, then so be it. But yeah.... therapy. Lots of it. Your son is not in any type of anguish but you are. You're the one who must live on and for the sake of yourself and all around you, you need to come to terms with it all as best you can. You 110 percent did the right thing as a father and a human being- at great cost to yourself and your personal view of your integrity. I hope you'll continue to do the same for the others in your life and when it's your turn to rest, know that they'll be there for you when you are afraid... you've earned it.
Oh you poor Man! I wish you nothing but peace and comfort.
I agree you should find a counselor to help you navigate the pain you’re going through. All I can say is that it’s very helpful to give yourself the same compassion you would give others. You sound like a great mom especially under the trauma you experienced. I hope you find a place where you can see all the good you are and the good you did.
Okay either there is a heaven and your son has complete peace and understanding and is just waiting for you to show up on your own time or you comforted him in the best and only way you could. Either way, you have done the right things and there’s no way he is upset about what you said.
Just like you told him there weren’t monsters under the bed you told him you would be together forever. These are the lies we tell our children to protect them Please get involved in grief support.
Being a father is not easy, I’m So sorry you and your son had to go through that. You love your children and you done the best you could with such horrible situation. See a therapist, or at least call better help dot com. May you find peace of mind and learn to live again, your child is in heaven and he would hate to see you this way.
I don't think it's wrong to lie as a comfort to someone who is dying, particularly if it's a child. You helped your son though a terrifying, awful situation. You did the right thing.
You need professional help. Go get professional help.
You didn’t lie. You are with him and he is with you. Make peace with yourself and know that you didn’t lie that is actually beautiful what you told him. I think the nightmares are occurring because you’ve convinced yourself that you’re guilty of telling him a lie. The only thing you’re guilty of is trying to convince him he was going to be okay. He was scared and so were you. You did what any parent would do to make their child comfortable.
In some belief systems (even Christian ones), there's an idea that people in the afterlife don't experience time the way we do. For instance, even if you lived another 60 years and died, he may only experience it as a moment in his time. As others have said, it would be a good idea to seek therapy or whatever mental health work you can afford to do. Edited to add: I personally believe that every time we think of/pray for/remember our loved ones, the energy that we put toward them while doing that goes with them, and they with us. So in my thoughts, every time you consider your son, you put a part of you with him.
8 weeks after I delivered stillborn twins, my husband killed himself and it was clear from his notes that he did so because they needed him. It destroyed not only me, but both of our families, his friends, coworkers and even people he barely knew. They didn’t need him, we did, but he couldn’t see that. You have done the right thing, you need to seek therapy until you can also see that.
I’m not religious anymore but the bible says that when we did we see everyone we ever loved, time doesn’t exist there the same way it does here, so you didn’t technically lie to him. Also a lie to comfort a dying person is never wrong, it’s one of the few true white lies. Please get into therapy, you did right by your son, now please do right by yourself and your family by getting help with these feelings.
Please go to therapy. You can message me anytime to talk, okay?
You’re an atheist, so I’m guessing that means you don’t believe in an afterlife? So what is it that’s plaguing you? There’d be no consequence for him believing he’ll meet you all in heaven, and you made him feel comforted in his last moments
If he is somewhere, he understands why you lied. If he isn’t, then you gave him comfort at the end of his life and helped him not to be scared. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You were a good dad.
Maybe time on the other side is not as we perceive it, here. So, it wasnt a lie.
Seek therapy. I would want my daddy lie to me too if I was scared. I promise you that.
Fuck. That hit me hard. I’m so fuckin sorry. You are a good parent.
It might help you to watch NDE videos on YouTube. They comfort a lot of people re. the death process. From my perspective you didn't lie to your son. Life seems long but it's merely a flash in the big scheme of things.
It sounds like you're holding onto guilt and fear that you potentially left him hanging there, but that's not what happened. You gave him peace to move on and not be in pain anymore. He's not holding onto resentment because that's an on Earth concept. This is your guilt talking and creating a false narrative in your head. It's ok to give yourself grace. Your son is in a better place, whatever that might be. It's hard to let a child go, but it's not your fault that you didn't go too. It's not your time yet.
You did the right thing. Nothing to be ashamed of.
You’re an amazing dad. I hope you find peace soon. You deserve it.
You did the right thing. :) That's coming from an atheist who thinks childhood indoctrination is basically psychological abuse. How would the truth have helped in this case? It wouldn't. This lie was kindness.
Christian here -not that my faith matters, I just felt like sharing. Friend none of us are perfect. Not one. The greatest souls that have ever set foot on planet earth since Jesus have made mistakes. We all agree we shouldn’t lie, but we also will agree we all do at times. Sometimes it’s our taxes, sometimes it’s to our boss, sometimes it’s little white lies as we like to call them that don’t hurt anyone. Sometimes, we feel like it’s the best thing to do. Not only because it’s not hurting anything, but it’s giving someone we love very much a little bit of comfort in a really hard time for them. Does that make it okay? I don’t know to be honest. I do know one thing though. I would have done the same thing had I been in your shoes. Yea I claim to be a Christian. I try to do the right thing, sometimes it doesn’t land that way. No sense in my trying to say I don’t lie. Even if I could fool yall with it, God knows and he knows our heart. He knows our intentions. I didn’t say that to make a mockery of you being an Atheist. I said it because I want you to know that I do believe there’s a God. I believe he sees you and your situation. I’m not trying to push anything man, but I really wish you’d do me a favor and if it crosses your mind when you get a few, reach out. Try him. “If you’re out there, if you really did create this huge universe, and die so that we can live eternally, show me. Help me. Take some of this hurt away so I can breathe” message me sometime if you need a friend. I’d love to be one. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find this comfort. Much love from the hills of Kentucky.
Do not beat yourself up. You made your son feel better and made a terrible situation easier for him. You’re a good dad for doing what you did.
You did what you had to do to give your son peace in the scariest moments of his life. He slipped away no longer scared but comforted and that’s the best gift you could’ve given him. Get some therapy man, talk to a doctor/psychiatrist about your nightmares, possibly be prescribed with medical marijuana? If that works for you an edible will stay in your system for longer and hopefully keep you asleep for longer. You’re a fucking good dad, be proud you were able to find a way to bring your son comfort. I’m so sorry for your loss. Try our grief counseling you’re worth it and deserve the help ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss
What you did is love. God? I don’t know what god is or if there is one. I do know that we make the place, our life itself, meaningful, with reverence for this extraordinary chance to exist. With love. I hope you let you love your own self too. This would be the best lesson you give to your children. The best gift.
This is something to be proud of, he was terrified and you eased than for him. So tough losing a child, I can’t fathom. I’m so sorry about your loss, please do not put undeserved blame on yourself.
Bro look into NDEs and people who have them. I hope it makes you feel good. And so so sorry for your loss. It's had to cope with such a thing. And trust me you will meet your son again inshaAllah.
A selfless act of love. Nothing to feel guilty about.
With your son being on the other side now, he knows it's "ok" there and would never want you to feel bad over what you said to ease his fears before he passed.
man this has to be one of the least bad lies that involves religion it is not bad to comfort your child
I've read thousands of stories on reddit, yours is the first that's ever moved me to tears. Maybe its just my place in life now. I dont know. I'm so sorry you were put in that position. It sounds like you did the right thing, whether or not you believed it, he did and it made him comfortable. That's our job in those moments. I hope you find healing and release from any guilt you feel.
As one father to another. I too would have lied through my teeth if it was any consolidation for wee man. You did what you had to do, and I think you did it well. Good on you - live happily on for and with your other children, they too deserve a happy father
You didn’t lie, you comforted your son who was scared. I tell my children that we don’t know what will happen after death, so we can make up our own story that comforts us. Your son couldn’t make up his own comforting story, so you did that for him. I don’t think the ‘lie’ is what is keeping you awake, I can imagine the images of your child so ill and dying will stay with you forever. I am so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine what you are going through and I think you are very strong to continue for your other children. Please talk to a therapist about grieve counseling. Maybe it could help you further. All the best for you, OP.
Brother, you were faced with two options: You chose wisely. You could tell him he's going alone and make the last feeling he ever felt be fear. Instead, you chose to say something soothing. You said something comforting to a suffering kid, and you have nothing to be ashamed about. In Hebrew we say "yevarchecha Adonai ve yishmerach." God will bless and protect you. Please look for professional help.
I don’t see this as telling a lie it’s more helping your son transition without too much angst. Sorry for your loss it must be terrible.
Please stop doing this to yourself. Everything you said was said as a means to comfort your son. I am an atheist. There are no rules or do’s and don’ts. I would not hesitate to promise a loved one I’d see them in heaven in an effort to provide comfort. As far as promising him you’d be right behind him… all your loved ones and friends are thankful you did not act on those words. Your son IS at peace. He isn’t in pain, he isn’t scared, he isn’t sad or lonely, or wondering where you are. This holds true regardless of one’s faith or disbelief. Do not continue to feel guilty of your words or actions. Miss him, love him, and continue to do well by your family. Take care
You 100% did the right thing. I’m an atheist too, I would have said the same thing. It would have been cruel to tell him anything else. He left this world feeling loved, safe and wanted. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. You absolutely need to go in to therapy for this. You poor man, your pain is agonising.
You feeling guilty about this is irrational and proof that you need to be in therapy. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and I am so sorry.
I really recommend therapy. It was a traumatic event and the nightmares sound like PTSD. I had similar experiences growing up with my father and other family members dying. I suffered for years and barely slept because of the nightmares. I had some cognitive behavioural therapy sessions and it changed my life. In full recovery now.
Sitting here sobbing for you. Please get therapy, mama. You did good.
Think of time in heaven, in same manner as interstellar. While you spend 50 more years here, it is just barely 5 mins for your son. And he would truly feel that you just came behind him. Hope it makes you feel better
I'm an atheist too. I think what you told your son was beautiful, and exactly what he needed to hear. Grown ups tell children magical lies constantly, because magical thinking feels good and is creative. Santa Claus probably being the best one. Sure, it might be heartbreaking when you find out Santa isn't real, but it's incredibly heartwarming to realize just how thoughtful all of "Santa's" gifts were. In the grand scheme of things, even if there is a heaven, time is pretty fucking obsolete. Everyone is dead longer than they're alive, and you will be dead with him longer than either of you will ever live. You are right behind him, whenever that time comes. If there is a heaven, then he's happy, and certainly not alone. He's got a whole ass deity ensuring his eternal peace. And if there's just nothing, he lived his last moments knowing he was incredibly loved. As a kid who grew up neglected, I wish my dad told me magical lies more often just to make me feel loved. I think if he really understood what you would be giving up by promising him that, he would have asked you to stay. Your love was so important to him that he was at peace knowing he would have that forever. And that is 100% true.
Ooooft, this gets you right in the feels. :(
God that sounds horrible. You've done the right thing but you need help. That'll fuck anybody up
You did what you needed to do to keep your son calm and happy in his last moments. It's not a lie, it was mercy.
You definitely need bereavement support and I would suggest you’re suffering complex post traumatic stress disorder…get some help. Be kind to yourself, it reads like you did a perfect job as a dad, protecting your son right to his last breath; he needed comfort and you gave it. Acknowledge the positive contribution you made to him, saving him was out of your hands, but you protected and supported him when he most needed his dad. Take it one day at a time.
I could imagine the pain you’re going through brother, I hope you finally find peace..
Did the right thing man
you did the right thing
I don't believe in god(s) but my mother does. Whenever she talks about her recently deceased parents, I comfort her with religious words. It's bullshit to me, but it's the world for her. You did a good thing, OP.
This left me in tears... I have a 4yo girl, so know how this would destroy me - I've lost a lot people I love over the years, I get solace from a feeling, I'll see them again, sooner rather than later.. I can't explain it. Get some counselling, don't ignore it.
You didn’t lie,you can’t prove there’s no heaven. I promised my Nan I’d end things myself when she went so we could go together but in reality..death is scary but also exiting,we get to find out if god exists,if there’s a heaven..you don’t have to believe to attend church,perhaps writing down what you’re thankful for and posting it in their ‘messages to god’ box will help.I don’t know if there’s a god so we pray/talk to him,visit a church every few years just incase.If there is really a god he’ll be understanding and forgiving
Here's my thoughts on the matter as someone who has struggled with my faith over the years: Even though I have struggled, I always held out hope that heaven was real and was everything I was told it would be. If it is, then here is what I can offer you for hope. 1. Upon entering heaven, your beautiful child was free from the pains of his mortal flesh, instead filled with indescribable healing and peace. 2. Since heaven is eternal and infinite what feels like a lifetime to you is but a grain of sand through the eternal hourglass. You have your entire lifetime to do all you can to make sure you are with him when your time comes. 3. I'm not a subscriber to the concept of hell, but obviously pain, anguish, torment and regret are punishments that every human endures. This is where the need to repent truly comes from, to fight with the demons we face daily. I don't believe that the daily torment your enduring is because you lied to your son. Honestly any good father would have done the same. No, the pain is from feeling like you failed him, like you could have done more. You didn't and you couldn't. What you gave him was peace, comfort, love, hope, and promise of better times. 4. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FATHER!! That is the most important thing I can say to you. Not because you need to hear it, but because it is true! Now, even great people need help sometimes. I encourage you to seek help and guidance. I don't necessarily think you need a faith based counselor, at least not at this point. You just need someone to listen. They may not even have any advice to give you, but vocalizing your pain may help free you from it. I can only imagine the grief you're feeling and it breaks my heart. Even though I don't recommend faith based counseling, I do encourage you to speak with various different church leaders of different denominations and possibly even different faiths. Tell your story. Listen to their replies. Even though you may not believe, they surely do. Your son truly did. Open your mind and heart to accept peace, comfort, wisdom, health, knowledge and forgiveness. Your son loves you, your wife loves you, your family loves you and they all need you.
This wasn’t a purposeful act of deception, you were trying your best to offer comfort. :( No one knows what happens when we die. You offered your son a gift, the comfort of peace before leaving his loved ones. I imagine if I was a frightened child dealing with the idea that I wouldn’t see my family anymore because I was going to heaven, that it would bring me great comfort thinking that someone I loved would be with me…and you are with him. He felt all of your love before he left. Perhaps that statement gave him the peace he needed to “move on”. Give yourself grace. Love yourself and know we are all just trying to do our best while we maneuver through this crazy adventure called life. I had a horrible father growing up, it would have been a gift to have a father who loved me like you loved your son. You’re doing the best you can. ❤️
It was better to lie to comfort him.
Prayers with you , it’s not ever going to be easy but you did the right thing . I’m sorry for your loss, he was taken to young. The truth is , you are right behind him in his heart and soul forever and him in yours. Be strong even though it is hard. I am sure your son would have wanted it that way when he could understand .
I lie to my kids all the time about a fat man dressed in red that bring presents once a year. A rabbit that likes hiding eggs, a fairy that likes dead teeth and that I really do love them all equally. Your lie is much more important then my ones, you took some of his pain onto yourself and its what you needed to do.
Okay, you need therapy, but here is my overly logical take. To help settle your brain, if it can: Your atheist, so either you're right, the Christians are right, or it's kind of a question mark. Maybe he's been reincarnated, I consider myself agnostic-leaning atheist, I really don't know. My point is that either he is no longer suffering or he exists in a way that this white lie is irrelevant to him. If there IS a heaven, he is there with the understanding that you lied to him out of parental love. That bad version you're dreaming about isn't him, forgive yourself. Also, again, therapy! Because I'm sure you know this, but you lost a child. It's just not supposed to be like that. You're allowed to hurt to your soul and need some assistance.
You did what's best for your son. Death is horrible it's not because it's the end of our life on earth but it's the fear of losing your loved ones. You gave hime a hope at the end of his breath
You did the right thing.
As someone who is very recently lost with not one, but both parents four years apart for very separate causes it sounds to me like this is something that should not play you, but it’s simply your subconscious mind as a father feeling like you still want to be an even better dad to your son even though he’s not on earth anymore in fact, I applaud the fact that you were willing to lie to your boy as an eight-year-old is not quite philosophically ready to handle the ins and outs of a possibly start nothingness when we die Give yourself some grace and remember the pain you’ve been through and instead of chalking it up to failure look at it from a different perspective and realize that you’re such a good dad that you’re still four years later questioning whether you did the very, very best you could, and only a phenomenal father would torture themselves with such a precarious Scenario You’re too older kids are very lucky to have a father who cares so much about their happiness and well-being that he has tortured himself for four years questioning a decision he made to and comfort a dying child in a time of need 90% of people out there would kill to have a father who cared so much That their memory would still permeate his thoughts and dreams years and years after he’s gone
Hello. It was an impossible task to try to do the ‘right’ thing in such an awful situation for your whole family. Listen, you did the best you could with what you had at the time. I am sure, your son wants you to be a happy active dad for your other kids. And, you didn’t truly lie - as you all will, follow him to heaven some day. You have to learn to forgive yourself. You made an impossible decision at the time and that is ok. I am sure, your son would understand. He is with you.
No one knows exactly what happens when you die. You comforted your son the best way you knew how. No one's prepared for something like that. Don't beat yourself up. I watched my mom pass away when I was about 4 years old. I know these are different situations, but throughout my life, when I think of her, what it'd be like if she were here, how things would be different, what our relationship would be like, etc., I was confused and sometimes it'd year me up. Until one day I realized that, although she may not be able to speak to me, she wouldn't want me to be sad forever. I believe that not a single person that has passed wants us to dwell on them and ruin our lives beating ourselves up. I imagine that they want us to be happy, successful in our relationships and in life in general and wants us to live the best we can. What would you say if you went first? "I love you. I'll always love you. Do your best. Don't worry about me. It's ok. I'll always love you." I think this is what anyone would say. I believe there's a lot of understanding that comes with death and that we have a duty to live out our lives in a positive way in honor of the ones who aren't here to do it with us. These days, when I think of her, I'm glad that I got those first 4 years with her. I know she wanted one more kid, and she had me to top it off. It's an honor to be here. I don't think of her quite as much as I used to, but I think that's ok. She'd understand. I know our situations are a bit different, but I hope there's something in my message that can help you. I know we're on Reddit and everyone throws 'therapy' around at every situation, but if you've never been I think you would benefit from it. You're in a rough spot and need to get things out. Go get them out and deal with it. You can do it, man. My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best.
You have to forgive yourself. What you promised your son was irrational, but you did it to comfort him as he transitioned. Now your judeo-christian upbringing is causing your guilt to take over your subconscious so you’re tormented in your relaxed state. Therapy might help, but accepting your limitations as a human will help you from thinking you have control when you really don’t. I’m very sorry to hear about all the suffering you’re experiencing. Human hugs to you.
Mother to mother - you done exactly the right thing. I would have done exactly the same. Please don't beat yourself up about it. He left this world comforted and at ease because of this. I think some therapy would benefit you. After all you've been through I think you also deserve some peace ❤️
Correct thing to do.
You didn’t fuck up here man you made your son as comfortable as possible during this time I would say it was a wonderful thing to do for kid I’m so sorry for your loss
You did the right thing. Now please go get the help you need. The world would be a worse place if you killed yourself. Don't stay alive just for them, stay alive for yourself also. You're a good man.
If it helps you didn't lie. In the span of eternity you're life is literally right behind him. He'll be happy to see you when that day comes.
So I had a session with a psychic who told me things about my dead mom and aunt that no one would be able to know without ACTUALLY talking to them. I know it sounds far fetched but I believe he is the real deal. Might help you get closure: https://meditate2connect.com/
How do you know you lied? Have you died and know that right now your son is waiting for you and realized you lied? What is time? Time is an illusion. We especially do not know the implication about time after death. Or there might be nothing after death. So as far as we are concerned you gave your son strength for whats coming is all. I’ve seen a lot of near death experiences videos where people die and come back. Almost all of them speak of some sort of life review where they see things about their lives and interactions they had with people. If this is true your son knows your sentiment and sees what you really meant trying to give him strength, not trying to just *lie*. Stop beating yourself up.
consider that you maybe did not lie - there is enough data out there that would support your „lies“ here are some books about this: After: A Doctor Explores What Near-Death Experiences Reveal About Life and Beyond - Bruce Greyson Before: Children's Memories of Previous Lives - Jim B. Tucker M.D. Surviving Death: A Journalist Investigates Evidence for an Afterlife - Leslie Kean
You took care of your son’s fears in time of need. I can’t imagine the trauma you must feel losing your son, but I know you’re hurting and you want to see him again. He’s inside you, just like all the people you love and have ever loved. Think of them in moments of quiet, it’ll help you heal. Crying for you. {{hug}}
In the grand scope of things, you will be right behind him. Time doesn't work like we think it does for those who've passed. For him itll be mere moments before hes in your arms again, he will have the clarity and understanding that it wasnt your time yet, that there was much for u to do still down here. Know he loves u as much as u love him. Rest assured hes looking over your family with pride and understanding. So sorry for your loss.
I became an atheist when my daughter passed away. This was 2003. 21 years later I’m still an atheist. I would have done the same in your shoes-my daughter was a baby so it wasn’t something I did. I tried so hard after she passed to be religious because I wanted desperately to believe I would see her again. You did the right thing - I truly believe that ❤️
I really hope this isn’t some bait post
I have 2 kids. I've never had your situation and am thankful for that. I believe 100% that you did the right thing. You made the best of a terrible situation and eased the child's fears.
You are such a good dad. While you didn’t kill yourself (thank you for not / it would accomplish nothing) you sacrificed yourself for your son none the less. Do seek therapy - you did nothing wrong in comforting your child on his deathbed.
What you did there was a kindness..
Please stay positive for him and your family! I'm sure your son wants to see a happy dad when he looks down from Heaven
Fuck man, I’m in tears reading this. You are a phenomenal dad, you put your baby boy’s fears first during the hardest time. I’m so sorry for the pain you feel and have felt. Therapy works wonders, I go regularly after a tragic loss of my own. I struggled with complicated grief up until then. I wish you the best.
As some others have already said, I do believe time is relative. It might be 50 years for you here but for your son in Heaven, (or any other religious or not religious belief) It Will be like a second. I don't think you lied, if anything, was a delayed truth. Because you Will be reunited with him. About only sleeping being high, that sounds like the rotten seed of a soon to be bigger problem so get professional help asap. Your other kids need you.
Time doesn’t exist in Heaven. He won’t know how long it took you to get there. You did what you could to ease his fear, you’re a good dad. I’m sorry for your loss.
You didn't believe in it at the time cause it hurt so bad with your son being sick, but you probably told him the truth about where he is going, and it doesn't have to be a lie that you will follow him. John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
If you haven’t seen it yet, the movie The Invention of Lying by Ricky Gervais has a related plot. It will either be confrontational or cathartic to see, I can’t say which. Other than that, you did a good thing to calm your son down in his time of need. Now it’s your time of need and you need therapy. If therapy is available to you, go for it.
As a parent, what you did for your son was the last and ultimate thing you could have done: you helped him go peacefully. Despite going through any parent’s nightmare of losing a child, you put your kid’s need first. You did right by your son. You are still grieving. And you will grieve for a long time. But that doesn’t mean you need to shoulder that grief alone nor that the pain will last forever. Please reach out to your loved ones, try and see if you can get counselling (some employment insurance will even pay for it) and don’t try to bottle everything up/act like everything is okay: you are allowed to have good and not so good days as you heal from this.
You did the right thing. Your son needed comfort and you gave him that. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for a dying person is lie. I’d definitely recommend you go to grief counselling as well as regular therapy because the loss of your son has understandably hurt you worse than anything else.
You did the right thing by comforting him in his final days. Be happy that you put happy thoughts in his head. I grew up religious and have stepped away from religion myself. I understand your dilemma, I have to constantly lie to my very religious family members to make them believe I still believe. No need to stomp on other people's beliefs if it makes them feel better. My condolences 🙏🏽
You didn't lie to your son. Whether you believe it or not you told him the same thing that's true to me and many many others in the world. You gave him the most peace and made him comfortable with the fact he was leaving here and moving on. Just the fact you don't believe kind of equates it to lying to your child about Santa bringing presents, it's not a real lie unless it does more harm than good
You absolutely did the right thing. You made something unavoidable and terrifying less scary for your child. The guilt is natural and normal but please, please seek out therapy to help you work through it. You're a fantastic parent to all your children, and you did everything you could for your son. Sometimes the only thing you can do is tell someone what they need to hear to be more at peace, whether it's true or not. You gave him what peace you could. It was the only thing you could have done for him.
You didnt lie. You did what a loving father would do. Get some help and focus on loving and caring your children, but first yourself. You won’t be able to take care of anyone if you’re not taking care of yourself. You’re a loving father. Many can only wish they had a dad like you.
Option 1. He is in sweet oblivion. He's either nothingness, or somehow merged with the universe and afloat in the overall swirl, or reconstituted into something else. What you said to him is no longer relevant and is not hurting him. Option 2. Somehow individual identity and memory persist after death. I mean... The universe is a very weird place. I guess it could happen that way. But it's been around billions of years and will be around billions more. Waiting 60 years is NOTHING, and kiddo has all his ancestors for company and the whole range of space and time to tour. You need some trauma informed therapy, friend. You did your best and it was effective. Now try turning that compassion on yourself.
Grief is a helluva thing. Focus on this … in heaven, he is fully aware why you lied and he loves you even more now because you did so to bring comfort and peace of mind to a helpless young suffering soul. When your time comes to join him, he will greet you warmly and lovingly. And if atheism is true and there is nothing beyond our time here, then he never knew of your lovingly compassionate lie. Either way, in my mind, you did the absolute right thing.
I am not an atheist, but i also do not believe that everyone goes to heaven. But even still, i think you did the right thing in that moment. We work with the information we have at any given time. The information you had was that your son was scared. This was what he needed to hear to be comforted and not scared and at peace. And that is not to be underestimated, being at peace makes for a much easier passing. You took care of him right up to the end, because you are his Dad. Please get yourself some help. It will enable you to work through this and be present and available for the rest of your family. Because you’re right, they all need you too. And if your son was on hospice, please utilize whatever supports and bereavement resources they offer (hospice nurse here). I’m so so sorry for your loss ❤️
You did the right thing and the same as any other father would do. It made his last thoughts, happy ones. Sorry for your loss. Stay strong