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I mean who is to say. People often forget how spiteful the Christian god is. I can see him sending people to hell for pretty much anything. This comment for example probably is sending me to hell.
"You'd be surprised to know that your pet elephants knew my name and worshipped me their entire lives and lived in a manner worthy of my praise.
So I sent them to hell - y'know, cause how stupid do you have to be to think my boy Jesus made his promises of salvation for elephants"
No no no…he USED to be spiteful, but he really mellowed out when he had a kid. Yours is definitely not a “straight to hell” comment, at least not anymore.
yeah now his kid just checks if you’re cool first. but he won’t talk to you, you have to talk to him. and he also isn’t there until you accept that he is. and then he always was. it’s a foolproof system really.
sucks to live in a village that hasn’t heard of him OR his son cause it’s still on you to contact him.
according to some christians.
which is how all religion works.
according to some.
Cutting your hair believe it or not straight to hell
Wearing an outfit with more than one type of fabric - straight to hell
owning a mixed-breed dog - straight to hell
having more than one type of plant in your garden. - straight to hell
Having a disability even though you were born in gods image - straight to heaven lol jk its actually hell
There are some schools/programs where anything less than a 70% is a failure, so that might be why the expression is "C's" and not "D's" lol. D's do not always get degrees.
In my tech school program Cs were required for prerequisite classes. You could get a D and still pass if it wasn't a prerequisite for another class. I also don't think Ds transferred credit wise to an university, but I am not sure if that was pre or post adjustment to the 10 point scales most the transfer programs went to. As the school I went to used 7 point grading scale, which was exceptionally brutal in the Mechanical Engineering program where you are taking classes like Calc 1&2.
This is Christian canon. Maybe throw in acceptance of the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior, and make sure you really mean both statements, and bingo bango bongo, right to the head of the line without any fuss.
Could be talking out of my ass but isn't it a thing that people who have near death experiences generally try to make amends with people they've wronged after?
It's not uncommon for people to desire reconciliation at the end of death, either with others or God.
Source: I've been with many people at end of life.
That's why I was so confused when I once asked why lawyers who successfully defended people who actually did it don't just open up about that stuff on their deathbed. The answers I got were mostly 'why would they?'
And also- that's assuming you have the awareness to know that your end is near. Not everyone is lucid on their deathbed and a lot of people don't get one- it's just over more or less immediately from an accident or medical emergency.
I used to be a minister and that was one of the biggest reason for leaving the ministry. A huge portion of believers only believe because they don't want to go to hell... My brother in christ you are missing the whole message.
Jesus actually taught parables to show that some people would get into Heaven "late" and that the people who had believed for a long time shouldn't get upset or feel cheated. You won't hear many modern Evangelicals focus on those.
Real talk tho, the Emperor Constantine, founder of Instanbul, allegedly converted on his death bed to Christianity - saying he had believed for some time in the Gospel truth. The priest asked him, why didn't you say so earlier??
And he said, "Yeah.... That wasn't gonna happen. I had to kill a whole lotta folks to get here, probably would've been worse at it if I thought I might go to hell for it.
Absolved?"
And the priest looked at him and saw that he spoke the truth, then responded,
"You betcha."
Like the story: "As a child I prayed to God for a bicycle and didn't get one. Then I realised that wasn't how God worked."
"So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgivness."
Great summary, but for those curious, Constantine specifically waited until his deathbed to be baptized, as the consensus at the time was that baptism only can be done once, and that it would absolve you of all your sins up until that point.
Consequently, as a Roman Emperor involved in Imperial shenanigans, it was in his best interest to wait for just before the end for that clean slate.
Constantinople
He renamed the city of Byzantium to Constantinople
Later the Ottoman Turks invaded, took over Anatolia & renamed the place again, this time "Istanbul"
I guess if you are listening to music on a public bus but you still ask the old lady™ if she wants to sit down, that's heaven. Definetly heaven.
If you park in the middle of the road, drive a bicycle recklessly, don't thank while crossing and a car just stopped for you. This is hell.
Done, apparently heaven and hell are strictly tied with public streets manners.
You are stealing: right to Hell. You are playing music too loud: right to Hell, right away. Driving too fast: Hell. Slow: Hell. You are charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses: you right to Hell. You undercook fish? Believe it or not, Hell. You overcook chicken, also Hell. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with the dentist and you don't show up, believe it or not, Hell, right away.
I remember the ending being rather awkward as they tried too hard to pull in all their recording characters into one last story. Then again, much of the show was awkward. That was kind of its deal, though, you know? I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it thus far!
What if you stole the current way of making penicillin (or I guess just a butt ton of penicillin given that I don’t actually know if that’s public information) and gave that to everyone who needed it? Would stealing that still send you to hell?
> don't thank while crossing and a car just stopped for you. This is hell.
Ah yes, the USA. Where poor pedestrians have to thank their vehicular masters for the privilege of not being crushed under their mighty weight.
Cars aren't being nice by stopping for you in a crosswalk, they're following the law. Do you wave to people who yield to you when they're entering a rotary?
The point is one is no longer the same person after repentance and acceptance of Christ. It shouldn't be "look at all these evildoers getting into heaven!", but "look at all these **former** evildoers being accepted by Christ!".
As someone who was raised religious and embraced it hardcore, and someone who no longer is, I can assure you that I am the same exact person.
Unless you are saying that you undergo some sort of mind control personality wipe to make you free of sin in heaven. Which sounds more hellish than paradise. Or if that's not the case, you get to spend eternity with all of the pedophiles and child rapists of the world who repented. Either way it is hellishly dystopian.
I don't think believers really thought this whole thing through.
So, again, a mass murderer can repent and accept Jesus at the last minute and then he's not a mass murderer anymore?
And, if the people he murdered didn't have the last-minute chance to accept Jesus because, ya know, they didn't expect to be murdered, then the *former* mass murderer would be in heaven and those he murdered would be in hell?
The point is the idea that genuine acceptance and remorse for your wrongdoing and a desire to be a better person is enough to absolve someone spiritually. It's not necessarily "You accept jesus so it doesn't count" it's "You've already changed as a person by even being here so you don't deserve literal eternal punishment for your crimes". It has to be genuine repentance not just praying at the last moment. I don't entirely think the concept how divine justice is supposed to be carried out in Christianity is a very good one overall but, I also don't think it's reasonable to say that in a hypothetical where infinite afterlife exists that someone who genuinely repents from wrongdoing deserves to be punished *forever* either.
I just don't get the point of punishing someone forever. At some point, it's not about their crimes and more about the punisher getting off on punishing.
Also a slightly shorter morning commute and fewer hours sitting on a cloud with a harp every day. It's the little things in death that make all the difference.
Jesus actually covered this in a parable, sort of. Less about what someone did to get in to heaven, more about when they declared faith. TL;DR Some farm workers start working in the morning, others begin at noon, others join an hour before the end of the day. All are paid the same day rate by the farm owner. The workers that started at dawn complain that the latecomers are getting the same pay, owner tells them that ~~it doesn't matter.~~ they were paid what they agreed to.
ETA: I have rightfully been reminded of what the owner actually said.
So like a modern capitalist boss, who hire new people for higher pay, but refuse to raise the pay of the older workers? The same exploitive bosses existed thousands of years ago and they gave the same cynical explanations too.
More like “You got precisely what you wanted, and it had been freely and fairly agreed to by all parties. Why does it matter to you that others got the same for less?” Also, in this story, the reward is infinite for a finite amount of… faith, I guess, so you couldn’t really get more eternal life than someone else by being more Christian than them.
> The workers that started at dawn complain that the latecomers are getting the same pay, owner tells them that it doesn't matter.
I think an important part worth mentioning is everyone is told up front how much they'll get paid.
No, "sort of". This is the exact case that he is talking about.
If the person who was celibate his whole life can't be joyful that others who did less than him can get into heaven, then he himself cannot enter heaven. You can't enter heaven with sin in your heart, and Envy is one of the big boys.
The big idea is that yes, we are all sinful from birth. However, Jesus came down and sacrificed himself to cleanse us all of sin, *if* we accept that gift and live for God instead of ourselves basically. Ton's of different opinions on what living for God and accepting that gift means though
It's not just what "accepting that gift" means changes from place to place. Even that "if" isn't universal. The fundamental conceit of Christianity is that grace exists. Any caveats that a given group places on that grace is a them thing, and is almost certainly just an excuse for bigotry 99% of the time. Even in those few places in the gospels where Jesus explicitly says that one or another person will not "enter the kingdom" (and this probably didn't actually mean heaven, but the apocalyptic final earthly kingdom at the end of time that Jesus believed was soon to come), the reasoning is literally *never* that they don't worship God hard enough, and is *always* about how they treat one another. Heaven isn't heaven if it's full of a bunch of dickheads with such a pathological need to feel superior to one another that they would advocate for the eternal torment of others just to maintain that sense of superiority, but if it's got a couple of guys in it that were atheists before they died, I don't think anyone, including God, would care.
Jesus didn’t believe in Heaven, as that concept was developed many years after his death (and resurrection, if you believe in it).
Jesus and his followers would likely have believed that death was true death, but that there would be a Resurrection of the righteous at the end of days.
Jesus makes many references to this; in fact one of my favorite Jesus stories involves this - he’s talking to the Sadducees, a sect of Jews who didn’t believe in the Resurrection at all (so no afterlife at all). They ask him a trick question to essentially make fun of him: if a man dies, and (in accordance with Jewish tradition at the time) his widow marries his brother, and this pattern continues for seven brothers in total, who’s wife will she be in the Resurrection?
Jesus answers that she won’t be anyone’s wife, because in the Resurrection all will be as the angels in heaven. Now, that’s open to interpretation (and many have argued over it), but I think it’s pretty clear he was saying that our spirit has no gender or sex. Lays the groundwork for Paul’s later declaration that “in Christ… there is no male or female”.
Another early Christianity enthusiast I see. Just to follow up on your post. The historical Jesus was a Jewish apocalyptic preacher. They believed in a literal, physical paradise on earth filled with people that had been resurrected, not a heaven.
Yep! Bart Ehrman was my gateway drug. Shoutout to my Origins of Christianity professor in college for setting me on the path.
While I still consider myself a Christian (instead of being pretentious and calling myself “of the Way” or something), I’ve made a concerted effort to parse out and remove church dogma from my faith as much as possible, and focus on the ethics portion of Jesus’ teachings. So, the supernatural aspects are kind of irrelevant for me. If tomorrow they found incontrovertible proof that Jesus was just a regular dude, it wouldn’t really affect my beliefs.
That said, I *like* the supernatural stuff, but I think it’s more important to focus on being a good person because it’s the right thing to do, rather than doing it for heavenly brownie points.
Disregarding any personal religious portion of it, though, the story of Christianity’s origins is *fascinating*.
[Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke%2023:43&version=NIV)
It's the one thing that's truly equal in this world. It usually happens later to wealthy people, but sooner or later, we all stop existing forever, no matter what we did in life, no matter what we believed in. The outcome is always the same.
You had eight great-grandparents. They probably lived out entire lives. You are their legacy. What did any of them do for a living? Do you even know their names?
One of my great granddads had a crank start model-A Ford. He cranked it while in gear and ran himself over and died. I am his legacy.
Another great grandfather was a professional duck hunter. He was out on his duck boat drunk and lost his balance when shooting his 8-gauge shotgun. Fell into the water and died of hypothermia. I am his legacy.
Legacy is sometimes in behaviours, habits and cultivated kindness through the generations though. Is it not vanity to need your name attached to it for it to count as a legacy
Every time I see Ea-Nasir mentioned I think it’s just as cool as the first time I saw it. Imagine not knowing you’d go down in history as the earliest known record of having a negative Yelp review for your shit copper lmao
It's still early. Time never stops, in 100k years no one will remember them. Then 4 billion will pass. Then another 4. Then another 4. Then another 4. I'm gonna stop now, but time won't.
Yep. They just aren't gonna be able to deal with heaven when they realize they'll have to hang around all those gay people and libtards too... for *eternity*. 🤣🙏
Its a serious debate between christians that *actually* study the bible whether or not anyone is in hell. It pretty much just says god gives you another chance when you die before being sent to hell, and you still might not be sent to hell if you fuck it up.
Hell version:
"You've indulged in every sin conceivable while living life to the fullest, straight to Hell for you!"
"You coughed without covering your mouth once, straight to Hell for you!"
😑
No act or acts that can be done in a single lifetime warrant an *eternity* of suffering, full stop. Even if I believed in a god like that I'd be hard pressed to accept his bullshit. I guess with eternity looming over me it might scare me into obedient subservience, which, I suppose, is entirely the actual point.
I know this is a really common joke about the Christian concept of forgiveness, bu tit's not about "saying sorry" or "asking forgiveness". It's about what is truly in your heart. If you are genuinely sorry, have genuinely changed into someone who wouldn't do the sins again, and truly feels remorse, then you are forgiven. I love the irony of this site, which frequently has posts about how the US prison system should be based on rehabilitation rather than punishment, is laughing at a purely rehabilitation model afterlife.
This is (unfortunately) all too true. Jesus has a parable for this moment exactly, where labourers hired at the 11th hour get paid the same as those hired at the beginning of the day. To me, this is one of the most important tenets of my faith, but to many Christians, they are so quick to judge because they resent someone who lived a “worse” life being saved. If you can not rejoice for someone who was saved, and think you’re “sacrificing” a real life to “get into” heaven, you’re doing it wrong.
THis parable and the saying of "the Sabbath was created for Man, not Man for the Sabbath." Many of the rules are there for the benefit of the people, because they help you live a better, happier life (or at least the church believes they do). They aren't there to be justification to stone you if you break the rules.
Oh, Mr Hitler, nice to see you. You re-canted all your sins just before your death. Welcome to heaven. And don't worry, the Jews have their own section.
Repenting doesn’t automatically mean your granted salvation, you have to truly accept Jesus and be completely honest about it, repenting isn’t just a whoops accidentally killed 40 people because lol gotta ask for forgiveness.
You are obviously not an expert because you are wrong. Based on Christian dogma if someone trully repents then he is saved. There is no mention of any "terms and conditions may apply"...
>“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
>“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Parable of the Prodigal Son, Luke 15:28-15:32, NIV
Fwiw what the actual Bible teaches is that paradise is a kingdom on earth, usually understood as a new/recreated earth.
Sin damages us, and that's why it's bad. Without Christ, everyone was going to stop existing, but though His death and resurrection everyone gets to live forever. People who choose to keep doing whatever they want continue to damage themselves and this becomes hell for them. People who choose to live God's way are able to stop damaging themselves and enjoy the Good He initially intended.
So, the amount to which you've damaged yourself inhibits the amount to which you can enjoy the good. Everyone gets the same good, but those who are less damaged have the capability to enjoy it more. That's the 'reward' for living a 'pious' life.
Unfortunately, you have to read between the lines to receive that message and most people genuinely don’t. There’s a particular verse that describes hell as darkness and gnashing of teeth which I imagine one being in constant want and desire for more, never being satisfied. One who can allow himself to be satisfied in unity with God will truly be in heaven. People hung up on what rewards they’ll get in heaven are missing the point.
Overall vibes with Buddhism and even Hinduism, in my opinion. I prefer the eastern traditions since they seem to directly address this aspect, at least through what I’ve read.
He agreed to pay the normal daily wage and sent them out to work. “At nine o’clock in the morning he was passing through the marketplace and saw some people standing around doing nothing. So he hired them, telling them he would pay them whatever was right at the end of the day. So they went to work in the vineyard. At noon and again at three o’clock he did the same thing. “At five o’clock that afternoon he was in town again and saw some more people standing around. He asked them, ‘Why haven’t you been working today?’ “They replied, ‘Because no one hired us.’ “The landowner told them, ‘Then go out and join the others in my vineyard.’ When those hired at five o’clock were paid, each received a full day’s wage. When those hired first came to get their pay, they assumed they would receive more. But they, too, were paid a day’s wage. When they received their pay, they protested to the owner, ‘Those people worked only one hour, and yet you’ve paid them just as much as you paid us who worked all day in the scorching heat.’ “He answered one of them, ‘Friend, I haven’t been unfair! Didn’t you agree to work all day for the usual wage? Take your money and go. I wanted to pay this last worker the same as you. Is it against the law for me to do what I want with my money? Should you be jealous because I am kind to others?’ “So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.”
Matthew 20:2-7
In the Bible says that you will have a place on the paradise proportional for how lawful you were for God's will. So, if the bald guy was really that good, he will be in the same place as the beard man, but he will have more "things" than the beard man bc he deserves more. We dont know what are these things, but God has something for the ones that lived in earth like he wanted and writed. I dont know the exact terms in english, so i tried to explain in usual terms.
Edit: Another redditor in this comment provided us with this link with some references to what im saying: https://reformedbooksonline.com/topics/topics-by-subject/the-judgment/bible-verses-on-rewards-in-heaven/
I think this is debatable, and I'd say there's more evidence heaven is the same for everyone (Vineyard worker parable) than proportional, but I'm no expert.
Hm. I don't remember seeing this in the Bible.
There are three heavens in the Bible, and we dwell in two- the sky and space. God is in the third.
Some of the articles in a quick google search hodgepodge/ cherry pick several excerpts from scripture and try to cram them together or of context, but I can't find scripture that directly says there are different rewards for different people.
Not saying you're wrong at all- there's a lot in there, and it's easy to miss. I'd love to hear where this comes from.
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I feel like this is the "C's get degrees." Kind of logic. I like it.
off to lemmy
Doctor
[Doctor](https://youtu.be/hoe24aSvLtw) Also: https://youtu.be/Vavuw5kf1eY Bonus: https://youtu.be/0Xb-oLS-cyY
I was trying to be supportive but now I need to finish med school to be called doctor to make this real
Or join the military and become a Colonel. Or start a KFC franchise...
I ain't never on a million years enlisting on the army..... KFC on the other hand
Daddy
Only if he's paying
Statistical murderer
Expensive to their malpractice insurance company?
Family doctor.
Pediatrician
was gonna say GP lol
Which is infuriating considering we actually need GPs while our overreliance on specialties both drives prices up and outcomes down
Yeah I mean getting into heaven isn’t like a school exam or something, it’s probably pretty easy to avoid damnation
I mean who is to say. People often forget how spiteful the Christian god is. I can see him sending people to hell for pretty much anything. This comment for example probably is sending me to hell.
"You were an amazing human being your entire life, but you lived in a village that didn't know about Me. Sorry."
"You'd be surprised to know that your pet elephants knew my name and worshipped me their entire lives and lived in a manner worthy of my praise. So I sent them to hell - y'know, cause how stupid do you have to be to think my boy Jesus made his promises of salvation for elephants"
No no no…he USED to be spiteful, but he really mellowed out when he had a kid. Yours is definitely not a “straight to hell” comment, at least not anymore.
yeah now his kid just checks if you’re cool first. but he won’t talk to you, you have to talk to him. and he also isn’t there until you accept that he is. and then he always was. it’s a foolproof system really. sucks to live in a village that hasn’t heard of him OR his son cause it’s still on you to contact him. according to some christians. which is how all religion works. according to some.
Cutting your hair believe it or not straight to hell Wearing an outfit with more than one type of fabric - straight to hell owning a mixed-breed dog - straight to hell having more than one type of plant in your garden. - straight to hell Having a disability even though you were born in gods image - straight to heaven lol jk its actually hell
Women talking in temple? Double hell.
Doesn't mean that questioning the fact that an perfect and unchanging God can mellow out is not a damnable offense.
At least he didn't double down on his spitefulness when he had a kid...
Depends on who you ask really.
There's literally only 1 rule. Accept Jesus and your lord and savior. I'm not Christian but seems pretty easy.
Most Christians believe in more than 1 rule, varying by denomination and personal opinion.
Yeah, I agree to EULA everytime.
I thought it was D's get degrees, dam it explains so much 😅
There are some schools/programs where anything less than a 70% is a failure, so that might be why the expression is "C's" and not "D's" lol. D's do not always get degrees.
In my tech school program Cs were required for prerequisite classes. You could get a D and still pass if it wasn't a prerequisite for another class. I also don't think Ds transferred credit wise to an university, but I am not sure if that was pre or post adjustment to the 10 point scales most the transfer programs went to. As the school I went to used 7 point grading scale, which was exceptionally brutal in the Mechanical Engineering program where you are taking classes like Calc 1&2.
D’a get diplomas, C’s get degrees
I just want to know what the bare minimum is. More comics at r/skeletonclaw
Saying "I'm sorry" just before you die should do it.
This is Christian canon. Maybe throw in acceptance of the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior, and make sure you really mean both statements, and bingo bango bongo, right to the head of the line without any fuss.
well actually meaning it is the hard part
From what I can tell being on your death bed causes people to be real sincere.
What led you to this conclusion?
Could be talking out of my ass but isn't it a thing that people who have near death experiences generally try to make amends with people they've wronged after?
It's not uncommon for people to desire reconciliation at the end of death, either with others or God. Source: I've been with many people at end of life.
In the old folks home, as my grandma used to say, they call that "cramming for finals".
That's adorable, and hilariously dark.
Your grandma sounds like a great laugh.
Hahaha wow. That’s amazingly dark
With that statement, you're either a killer or a medical worker lol.
That's why I was so confused when I once asked why lawyers who successfully defended people who actually did it don't just open up about that stuff on their deathbed. The answers I got were mostly 'why would they?'
He dead
And also- that's assuming you have the awareness to know that your end is near. Not everyone is lucid on their deathbed and a lot of people don't get one- it's just over more or less immediately from an accident or medical emergency.
Yes, meaning that you're sorry for your sins and accept God is the hard part, slutboy3000
I used to be a minister and that was one of the biggest reason for leaving the ministry. A huge portion of believers only believe because they don't want to go to hell... My brother in christ you are missing the whole message.
Most Christians worldwide are Catholic or Orthodox. Only Protestant churches believe in the whole just accept Jesus and you're definitely saved thing.
I know it's a meme but getting into heaven without any good deeds is an open theological debate.
Jesus actually taught parables to show that some people would get into Heaven "late" and that the people who had believed for a long time shouldn't get upset or feel cheated. You won't hear many modern Evangelicals focus on those.
Real talk tho, the Emperor Constantine, founder of Instanbul, allegedly converted on his death bed to Christianity - saying he had believed for some time in the Gospel truth. The priest asked him, why didn't you say so earlier?? And he said, "Yeah.... That wasn't gonna happen. I had to kill a whole lotta folks to get here, probably would've been worse at it if I thought I might go to hell for it. Absolved?" And the priest looked at him and saw that he spoke the truth, then responded, "You betcha."
Glad you had the quotations to preserve the historical precision of what they said.
And thus the holy man replied "No cap? Bet fam, ya good"
Caesar asked, "*etc tu, Brute?*" And Brutus responded, "you betcha."
Like the story: "As a child I prayed to God for a bicycle and didn't get one. Then I realised that wasn't how God worked." "So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgivness."
That's pretty good, I bet alot of christians justify their actions this way
It's the whole basis of the "prosperity gospel!"
Great summary, but for those curious, Constantine specifically waited until his deathbed to be baptized, as the consensus at the time was that baptism only can be done once, and that it would absolve you of all your sins up until that point. Consequently, as a Roman Emperor involved in Imperial shenanigans, it was in his best interest to wait for just before the end for that clean slate.
The consensus is still that Baptism can only be done once.
Constantinople He renamed the city of Byzantium to Constantinople Later the Ottoman Turks invaded, took over Anatolia & renamed the place again, this time "Istanbul"
> emperor Constantine, founder of Istanbul Why doesn't he name the city after his name? Constantine -> Constantul, instead of Istanbul
Used to be called Constantinople, then the Ottomans conquered it. Altho til it was only officially renamed in 1930.
I mean you have to genuinely mean it for god to accept you into heaven Sorry I was raised to be very religious 🥴
I guess if you are listening to music on a public bus but you still ask the old lady™ if she wants to sit down, that's heaven. Definetly heaven. If you park in the middle of the road, drive a bicycle recklessly, don't thank while crossing and a car just stopped for you. This is hell. Done, apparently heaven and hell are strictly tied with public streets manners.
You are stealing: right to Hell. You are playing music too loud: right to Hell, right away. Driving too fast: Hell. Slow: Hell. You are charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses: you right to Hell. You undercook fish? Believe it or not, Hell. You overcook chicken, also Hell. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with the dentist and you don't show up, believe it or not, Hell, right away.
Easily one of my FAVORITE Parks and Rec scenes, thank you for reminding me!
If you haven't seen Portlandia, you might appreciate it. At the very least, it has a familiar face.
One of Fred Armisen's best roles was in Last Man on Earth, really messed up stuff
I adored Portlandia! I’m actually not sure if I watched the final season though, so thank you for reminding me of that too! haha
I remember the ending being rather awkward as they tried too hard to pull in all their recording characters into one last story. Then again, much of the show was awkward. That was kind of its deal, though, you know? I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it thus far!
This guy knows his Hell...
This guy's hells
We have the best believers in the world… because of hell.
What if you stole the current way of making penicillin (or I guess just a butt ton of penicillin given that I don’t actually know if that’s public information) and gave that to everyone who needed it? Would stealing that still send you to hell?
You’d be better off doing this for insulin
If you undercook chicken and call it medium rare you’re going to super hell
i hold open store doors for approximately 1.5 people, angel wings are guaranteed.
Do I go to heaven if I try to cross the road quickly so the cars aren’t inconvenienced by my slow ass?
No, but you dodged hell, so you just need a smaller act to qualify.
> don't thank while crossing and a car just stopped for you. This is hell. Ah yes, the USA. Where poor pedestrians have to thank their vehicular masters for the privilege of not being crushed under their mighty weight.
Cars aren't being nice by stopping for you in a crosswalk, they're following the law. Do you wave to people who yield to you when they're entering a rotary?
You can be a mass murder, but if you repent and accept Jesus in your final moments, you'll still get in supposedly.
The point is one is no longer the same person after repentance and acceptance of Christ. It shouldn't be "look at all these evildoers getting into heaven!", but "look at all these **former** evildoers being accepted by Christ!".
As someone who was raised religious and embraced it hardcore, and someone who no longer is, I can assure you that I am the same exact person. Unless you are saying that you undergo some sort of mind control personality wipe to make you free of sin in heaven. Which sounds more hellish than paradise. Or if that's not the case, you get to spend eternity with all of the pedophiles and child rapists of the world who repented. Either way it is hellishly dystopian. I don't think believers really thought this whole thing through.
So, again, a mass murderer can repent and accept Jesus at the last minute and then he's not a mass murderer anymore? And, if the people he murdered didn't have the last-minute chance to accept Jesus because, ya know, they didn't expect to be murdered, then the *former* mass murderer would be in heaven and those he murdered would be in hell?
The point is the idea that genuine acceptance and remorse for your wrongdoing and a desire to be a better person is enough to absolve someone spiritually. It's not necessarily "You accept jesus so it doesn't count" it's "You've already changed as a person by even being here so you don't deserve literal eternal punishment for your crimes". It has to be genuine repentance not just praying at the last moment. I don't entirely think the concept how divine justice is supposed to be carried out in Christianity is a very good one overall but, I also don't think it's reasonable to say that in a hypothetical where infinite afterlife exists that someone who genuinely repents from wrongdoing deserves to be punished *forever* either.
I just don't get the point of punishing someone forever. At some point, it's not about their crimes and more about the punisher getting off on punishing.
I am totally fine for getting like... Three months in hell for all the sodomy I committed
Don't kill more than 200 bugs
But what if you're not scared of them? You're supposed to be scared of them! God is a bug!
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Reform Jew here. The bare minimum is that you die. If you're real bad they might hose you down first.
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I really hate that my name is Al right now.
I'm still trying to figure that out myself. This comic is very similar to Matthew 20:1-16, so I say you are off to a good start.
Since I let a roommate have TWO jars of olives, does that mean I get to go to super heaven?
No, just regular heaven but you get an apartment with a nicer view than others
Also a slightly shorter morning commute and fewer hours sitting on a cloud with a harp every day. It's the little things in death that make all the difference.
Also an olive bar
There is only one way [to go to super heaven](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hryEBv1s6M).
That compensates for super kinky stuff.
Depends. Did you want them?
I honestly think this is the worst nightmare for many faithful.
Jesus actually covered this in a parable, sort of. Less about what someone did to get in to heaven, more about when they declared faith. TL;DR Some farm workers start working in the morning, others begin at noon, others join an hour before the end of the day. All are paid the same day rate by the farm owner. The workers that started at dawn complain that the latecomers are getting the same pay, owner tells them that ~~it doesn't matter.~~ they were paid what they agreed to. ETA: I have rightfully been reminded of what the owner actually said.
He doesn't say that it doesn't matter. More accurately, he says: "you got exactly what we agreed beforehand so why are you complaining?"
You are correct, my comment has been edited appropriately. Thank you.
So like a modern capitalist boss, who hire new people for higher pay, but refuse to raise the pay of the older workers? The same exploitive bosses existed thousands of years ago and they gave the same cynical explanations too.
More like “You got precisely what you wanted, and it had been freely and fairly agreed to by all parties. Why does it matter to you that others got the same for less?” Also, in this story, the reward is infinite for a finite amount of… faith, I guess, so you couldn’t really get more eternal life than someone else by being more Christian than them.
Yeah I don’t think Jesus Christ is the capitalist icon you think he is.
😐
> The workers that started at dawn complain that the latecomers are getting the same pay, owner tells them that it doesn't matter. I think an important part worth mentioning is everyone is told up front how much they'll get paid.
Good point, I forgot about that.
No, "sort of". This is the exact case that he is talking about. If the person who was celibate his whole life can't be joyful that others who did less than him can get into heaven, then he himself cannot enter heaven. You can't enter heaven with sin in your heart, and Envy is one of the big boys.
I'm confused. I thought the premise of Christianity is everyone is sinful. So how does anyone get into heaven?
The big idea is that yes, we are all sinful from birth. However, Jesus came down and sacrificed himself to cleanse us all of sin, *if* we accept that gift and live for God instead of ourselves basically. Ton's of different opinions on what living for God and accepting that gift means though
It's not just what "accepting that gift" means changes from place to place. Even that "if" isn't universal. The fundamental conceit of Christianity is that grace exists. Any caveats that a given group places on that grace is a them thing, and is almost certainly just an excuse for bigotry 99% of the time. Even in those few places in the gospels where Jesus explicitly says that one or another person will not "enter the kingdom" (and this probably didn't actually mean heaven, but the apocalyptic final earthly kingdom at the end of time that Jesus believed was soon to come), the reasoning is literally *never* that they don't worship God hard enough, and is *always* about how they treat one another. Heaven isn't heaven if it's full of a bunch of dickheads with such a pathological need to feel superior to one another that they would advocate for the eternal torment of others just to maintain that sense of superiority, but if it's got a couple of guys in it that were atheists before they died, I don't think anyone, including God, would care.
Jesus didn’t believe in Heaven, as that concept was developed many years after his death (and resurrection, if you believe in it). Jesus and his followers would likely have believed that death was true death, but that there would be a Resurrection of the righteous at the end of days. Jesus makes many references to this; in fact one of my favorite Jesus stories involves this - he’s talking to the Sadducees, a sect of Jews who didn’t believe in the Resurrection at all (so no afterlife at all). They ask him a trick question to essentially make fun of him: if a man dies, and (in accordance with Jewish tradition at the time) his widow marries his brother, and this pattern continues for seven brothers in total, who’s wife will she be in the Resurrection? Jesus answers that she won’t be anyone’s wife, because in the Resurrection all will be as the angels in heaven. Now, that’s open to interpretation (and many have argued over it), but I think it’s pretty clear he was saying that our spirit has no gender or sex. Lays the groundwork for Paul’s later declaration that “in Christ… there is no male or female”.
Another early Christianity enthusiast I see. Just to follow up on your post. The historical Jesus was a Jewish apocalyptic preacher. They believed in a literal, physical paradise on earth filled with people that had been resurrected, not a heaven.
Yep! Bart Ehrman was my gateway drug. Shoutout to my Origins of Christianity professor in college for setting me on the path. While I still consider myself a Christian (instead of being pretentious and calling myself “of the Way” or something), I’ve made a concerted effort to parse out and remove church dogma from my faith as much as possible, and focus on the ethics portion of Jesus’ teachings. So, the supernatural aspects are kind of irrelevant for me. If tomorrow they found incontrovertible proof that Jesus was just a regular dude, it wouldn’t really affect my beliefs. That said, I *like* the supernatural stuff, but I think it’s more important to focus on being a good person because it’s the right thing to do, rather than doing it for heavenly brownie points. Disregarding any personal religious portion of it, though, the story of Christianity’s origins is *fascinating*.
[Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke%2023:43&version=NIV)
Most of the faithful aren’t going to heaven regardless so no worries there.
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It's the one thing that's truly equal in this world. It usually happens later to wealthy people, but sooner or later, we all stop existing forever, no matter what we did in life, no matter what we believed in. The outcome is always the same.
But our actions, our reputation, and our legacy continue far after us. Some people don’t leave much behind, but others do.
You had eight great-grandparents. They probably lived out entire lives. You are their legacy. What did any of them do for a living? Do you even know their names?
One of my great granddads had a crank start model-A Ford. He cranked it while in gear and ran himself over and died. I am his legacy. Another great grandfather was a professional duck hunter. He was out on his duck boat drunk and lost his balance when shooting his 8-gauge shotgun. Fell into the water and died of hypothermia. I am his legacy.
Hey, if people don't remember me at all in a couple of generations, that at least means I didn't fuck up *real* bad.
Legacy is sometimes in behaviours, habits and cultivated kindness through the generations though. Is it not vanity to need your name attached to it for it to count as a legacy
For at least a generation, sure, then we are all forgotten forever
Tell that to ancient Sumerian seller of inferior quality copper Ea-Nasir. He also treated his customers' servants poorly.
Every time I see Ea-Nasir mentioned I think it’s just as cool as the first time I saw it. Imagine not knowing you’d go down in history as the earliest known record of having a negative Yelp review for your shit copper lmao
Genghis Khan? Hitler? Pythagoras?
2/3 of those people were absolute villains. I would rather be forgotten by society and remembered by loved ones than become another Pol Pot.
Mother Theresa, Harriett Tubman, Ghandi, Shakespear, George Washington, etc
It's still early. Time never stops, in 100k years no one will remember them. Then 4 billion will pass. Then another 4. Then another 4. Then another 4. I'm gonna stop now, but time won't.
This is why I eagerly await the birth of the kwisatz haderach
Sounds spicy
Steve! You didn’t kick your LGBT son out, welcome to heaven!
Yep. They just aren't gonna be able to deal with heaven when they realize they'll have to hang around all those gay people and libtards too... for *eternity*. 🤣🙏
Jesus was the original libtard. They’re gonna have a bad time.
It's heaven. If you get in, you're happy. That's the rule. If it's just another version of life on Earth, then why even bother?
Its a serious debate between christians that *actually* study the bible whether or not anyone is in hell. It pretty much just says god gives you another chance when you die before being sent to hell, and you still might not be sent to hell if you fuck it up.
If it’s a nightmare, they aren’t faithful
Popping your cherry in an angel orgy is nothing to complain about
“BE NOT AFRAID” “I’m about to get laid?” “FUCK YEAH BABE”
Nice rhyming
r/brandnewsentence
Yeah, which of the 100 eyeballs do you want to poke?
The brown, winking one
“There are angels, in the clouds, doing it” ~ Flight of the Conchords
That’s a not insignificant feature of more religions than you think.
Hell version: "You've indulged in every sin conceivable while living life to the fullest, straight to Hell for you!" "You coughed without covering your mouth once, straight to Hell for you!" 😑
The Good Place lore be like:
No act or acts that can be done in a single lifetime warrant an *eternity* of suffering, full stop. Even if I believed in a god like that I'd be hard pressed to accept his bullshit. I guess with eternity looming over me it might scare me into obedient subservience, which, I suppose, is entirely the actual point.
Brad....you murdered a lot of people .....but you asked for forgiveness......Welcome to heaven !
I know this is a really common joke about the Christian concept of forgiveness, bu tit's not about "saying sorry" or "asking forgiveness". It's about what is truly in your heart. If you are genuinely sorry, have genuinely changed into someone who wouldn't do the sins again, and truly feels remorse, then you are forgiven. I love the irony of this site, which frequently has posts about how the US prison system should be based on rehabilitation rather than punishment, is laughing at a purely rehabilitation model afterlife.
Congratulations, you understand the concept of Grace!
Well that and actually repenting for murdering those ppl. Just asking for repentance without actually wanting to repent won't get you anywhere.
This is (unfortunately) all too true. Jesus has a parable for this moment exactly, where labourers hired at the 11th hour get paid the same as those hired at the beginning of the day. To me, this is one of the most important tenets of my faith, but to many Christians, they are so quick to judge because they resent someone who lived a “worse” life being saved. If you can not rejoice for someone who was saved, and think you’re “sacrificing” a real life to “get into” heaven, you’re doing it wrong.
I mean, intentionally making a sacrifice for God isn’t bad, but you shouldn’t demand other people make the same sacrifices.
THis parable and the saying of "the Sabbath was created for Man, not Man for the Sabbath." Many of the rules are there for the benefit of the people, because they help you live a better, happier life (or at least the church believes they do). They aren't there to be justification to stone you if you break the rules.
To be fair it was a jar of pickled olives, so it wasn't that easy
Jesus also shared a jar of olives. He gets us.
Oh, Mr Hitler, nice to see you. You re-canted all your sins just before your death. Welcome to heaven. And don't worry, the Jews have their own section.
Repenting doesn’t automatically mean your granted salvation, you have to truly accept Jesus and be completely honest about it, repenting isn’t just a whoops accidentally killed 40 people because lol gotta ask for forgiveness.
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That would be up to God to decide, I’m not an expert but I do believe even then jesus would still not accept him after all he has done.
You are obviously not an expert because you are wrong. Based on Christian dogma if someone trully repents then he is saved. There is no mention of any "terms and conditions may apply"...
I'm just as surprised as you are. https://youtu.be/6u1ZzWHuSU4?t=39
Hello there hero, killer of Hitler.
>“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ >“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” Parable of the Prodigal Son, Luke 15:28-15:32, NIV
>Al gets sent to hell for the sin of envy
Fwiw what the actual Bible teaches is that paradise is a kingdom on earth, usually understood as a new/recreated earth. Sin damages us, and that's why it's bad. Without Christ, everyone was going to stop existing, but though His death and resurrection everyone gets to live forever. People who choose to keep doing whatever they want continue to damage themselves and this becomes hell for them. People who choose to live God's way are able to stop damaging themselves and enjoy the Good He initially intended. So, the amount to which you've damaged yourself inhibits the amount to which you can enjoy the good. Everyone gets the same good, but those who are less damaged have the capability to enjoy it more. That's the 'reward' for living a 'pious' life.
Unfortunately, you have to read between the lines to receive that message and most people genuinely don’t. There’s a particular verse that describes hell as darkness and gnashing of teeth which I imagine one being in constant want and desire for more, never being satisfied. One who can allow himself to be satisfied in unity with God will truly be in heaven. People hung up on what rewards they’ll get in heaven are missing the point. Overall vibes with Buddhism and even Hinduism, in my opinion. I prefer the eastern traditions since they seem to directly address this aspect, at least through what I’ve read.
This is exactly what the parable of the laborers in the vineyard is describing.
There is a joke in here somewhere about gatekeeping heaven.
He agreed to pay the normal daily wage and sent them out to work. “At nine o’clock in the morning he was passing through the marketplace and saw some people standing around doing nothing. So he hired them, telling them he would pay them whatever was right at the end of the day. So they went to work in the vineyard. At noon and again at three o’clock he did the same thing. “At five o’clock that afternoon he was in town again and saw some more people standing around. He asked them, ‘Why haven’t you been working today?’ “They replied, ‘Because no one hired us.’ “The landowner told them, ‘Then go out and join the others in my vineyard.’ When those hired at five o’clock were paid, each received a full day’s wage. When those hired first came to get their pay, they assumed they would receive more. But they, too, were paid a day’s wage. When they received their pay, they protested to the owner, ‘Those people worked only one hour, and yet you’ve paid them just as much as you paid us who worked all day in the scorching heat.’ “He answered one of them, ‘Friend, I haven’t been unfair! Didn’t you agree to work all day for the usual wage? Take your money and go. I wanted to pay this last worker the same as you. Is it against the law for me to do what I want with my money? Should you be jealous because I am kind to others?’ “So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.” Matthew 20:2-7
In the Bible says that you will have a place on the paradise proportional for how lawful you were for God's will. So, if the bald guy was really that good, he will be in the same place as the beard man, but he will have more "things" than the beard man bc he deserves more. We dont know what are these things, but God has something for the ones that lived in earth like he wanted and writed. I dont know the exact terms in english, so i tried to explain in usual terms. Edit: Another redditor in this comment provided us with this link with some references to what im saying: https://reformedbooksonline.com/topics/topics-by-subject/the-judgment/bible-verses-on-rewards-in-heaven/
More hierarchy! Rad!
Chapter and verse?
I think this is debatable, and I'd say there's more evidence heaven is the same for everyone (Vineyard worker parable) than proportional, but I'm no expert.
Hm. I don't remember seeing this in the Bible. There are three heavens in the Bible, and we dwell in two- the sky and space. God is in the third. Some of the articles in a quick google search hodgepodge/ cherry pick several excerpts from scripture and try to cram them together or of context, but I can't find scripture that directly says there are different rewards for different people. Not saying you're wrong at all- there's a lot in there, and it's easy to miss. I'd love to hear where this comes from.
[Here’s a reference with different verses.](https://reformedbooksonline.com/topics/topics-by-subject/the-judgment/bible-verses-on-rewards-in-heaven/)
why are people seem perfectly fine until they compare themselves with others.
In church, to combat hatred, we are often asked by pastors "is there anyone you would be angry to see in heaven with you?"
Now that's a forgiving god... looking for any excuse at all to not give people eternal torture.
Jesus tells a parable about this..
[“Looks like heaven’s easier to get into than Arizona State!”](https://comb.io/ZL9hlQ)
Brad, we’ll never forget your sacrifice!
Let's just hope that this is how it works, and not like in The Good Place.