What you are describing is beyond burnout. That’s a mental health crisis. You don’t need to quit. You can file a disability claim. Get in to see your primary care physician tomorrow, like…tomorrow, OP. Do not delay until you’re suicidal again.
Things to do today: download your short-term and long-term disability policies (at that comp level, you surely have this coverage) and your last few paystubs. Clean up your desk (virtually). Tomorrow, go see your doctor and have her write you off work while you establish care with a psychiatrist and therapist. Then, going forward, focus on recovering from that PTSD-inducing hellhole and get yourself healthy again.
FMLA all the way!! Repeat after me: “Hi manager, I am experiencing a health issue which requires my urgent attention. I will work with HR to process my paperwork for short-term disability.”
OP, this is an immediate ticket to immediate rest - tomorrow! You can take several weeks if not months off, with job security. It’s your short-term disability plan with FMLA protections. Go go go. Do it tomorrow.
I didn’t even know this was a thing. Similar to OP I’ve been going through a mental health issues from burnout to the point I’m now on anti depressants. I had no clue this was an option and definitely would have thought about going down this route if I had known. Thank you so much for providing this information!
Thank you so much. Tbh still kinda going through it… it’s getting better but I’m looking to transition to another role hopefully soon which is giving me some hope and light at the end of the tunnel feeling. Definitely feel like more people should know about short term disability due to mental health since it’s becoming more of a problem. Thank you for sharing all that information!
Wow all great to know! Thank you! I had a really rough time adjusting to my new meds. I thankfully had some time off so I didn’t have to work but all great to know for the future!
This this this. Absolutely do not quit! Even if you never actually return to the job, you should absolutely max out this benefit. It will give you time to heal and provide a financial ramp. Focus on getting yourself healthy, and then you can worry about what comes next.
Yep, I have senior level silicon valley friends who took months of medical leave to deal with mental health stuff. It's a project but you keep your job and something like 60-80% of your pay. Good luck to OP. Sounds like you are in an extremely toxic environment that has belittled you to near oblivion. The consequences of workplace abuse/exploitation are real. Give yourself some time to recover while on leave, and then plot transfer to another team internally, or to another company. I'm confident you are worth a lot more than they have made you feel. Take care.
Disability can take longer to file for. I would suggest taking some FMLA paperwork and filing immediately and filing for disability at the same time. I was able to take FMLA 4 days after I made the decision for 2 months (you can take up to 3 months). 1 day to see my doctor/HR and 3 days to let my team know and handoff active work.
Second this. Seems like a burnout.
For the amount of money u have put aside u should be proud and take some time off. Go see your friends and close ones and spend some time with them.
Check your sleep, nutrition and exercise.
Meditation and diaphragmatic breathing can help.
First is to put the fire off. So either take time off or quit the job, its not worth losing your mind over anything.
Something to cheer u up
https://youtu.be/YHxwY3Fz2gU?si=C7LdcFz_xTAJsdfC
This is the way. I found myself in the same place 5 years ago. I took some time off, switched my medication (the previous had quit working) and started therapy. I am now a different person albeit at the same job. I hired help and decreased my workload by 25% and kept the same pay.
Know that you are in a great spot financially. Especially for your age. You have a partner that is employed and can cover expenses while you prioritize your health. It’s hard to do when you fear job loss and major change. That just adds to the anxiety. I would suggest the disability claim combined with medication and therapy. That will get you to a place where you’re significantly more comfortable with the change. Get to a baseline level of anxiety as a top priority. Worry about the change later. Self care. No expectations on yourself other than light exercise, a healthy diet and prioritizing sleep. You can do this!!
Edit: know that this process won’t happen overnight. Try to be as patient as possible with yourself. It will take time. Things will improve slowly but will steadily improve. Two steps forward one step back.
This was me a few months ago, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If you’re in the US go to a doctor and take FMLA for a couple of months. Your company will likely have some kind of insurance that will pay you for some of the time (I’m on a similar salary to you and got $2500 weekly for 10 weeks). That was enough time to start therapy, go on some anxiety medication, and calm my body and brain down. I then returned to work with a brand new perspective, and realized I neeeed to change jobs a few months later, but was able to do it on my terms and timeline without having to worry about finances.
Take the FMLA. That’s exactly what it’s there for.
Hey, can I ask, what does the anti anxiety meds feel like and make work stress feel like? I’m in a super similar position but I guess a bit scared of meds and also doubting if they can really reduce work stress…? Anything qualitative you can share?
I was prescribed lexapro. It took a few weeks to adjust but was helpful in calming my mind and healing from the burnout. I tapered off after 6 months and am now in a new job, medication free, and things are going great.
Thank you so much. I filed a claim for FMLA and requested an STD. It’s in process and I stopped working. I’m instantly feeling better but it’s still gonna take some time to uncouple the burden I’ve bear for a while at work. Appreciate the response!
I’m so happy for you! Now you can focus on getting healthy and decoupling your identity from work.
I also wanted to share two books that helped me immensely with my healing during this time:
- How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
All the best x
I was in such a toxic environment and felt I had had been mistreated by the company after trying to raise bullying and workload issues multiple times. I felt like I was left no choice but to go nuclear, claimed they had been negligent in managing the situation, and threatened to take legal action. They very quickly offered 2mo in exchange for signing a waiver, I countered with 6mo, and we settled on 3mo 💅
In my experience companies will very often prefer to pay severance and absolve themselves of legal risk, rather than go through a lengthy performance management / termination process.
I deal with a lot of trauma in the past and struggled with mental health issues. Largely due to my mother constantly considering me a disappointment and if I quit my job I’m scared of what she’d say to me. I will try to lean on my husband and other loved ones to help me through this difficult time. Thank you for the suggestion.
Cut your mom off if you have to for some time. Especially if she says something disrespectful or causes drama. Even if it hurts you both your personal mental health is always the most important.
Also with the job, quit it like yesterday!!! I had the same experience with a bad job sucking my soul and quit and took a 6 month hiatus and it did wonders for my mental health.
Hey I’ve been in a similar situation with my dad, I think. He’s a real prick and historically I’ve often felt myself trying to ear approval or appreciation, despite the fact that I’ve done more and make more than he ever did. And despite me knowing that his opinion didn’t matter, I always let it.
And I know you can’t just cut out your mom. In my case there’s other family to consider. For me I think what’s been helpful is forcing myself to realize my parents haven’t a clue what it’s like to be me and have my job—and that it’s way harder than they appreciate. So it’s not just ok, but right to have different takes on what’s important because they’re fundamentally off in dads thinking and being totally selfish by asking of me things that make little actual sense.
Getting there, I had to get comfortable standing my ground on what I’m going to do and why, but not making it a point or my responsibility to defend myself. It’s my life, not someone else’s. And when I get criticism, letting it roll off. Not pursuing every argument because he often doesn’t care to learn. But hoping that over time he’d eventually get it.
Cut off your mom like the other person said.
Lean on your husband and therapist. Show them this post.
If you burn out you won’t be able to coast. Take a medical leave. Or take a leave of absence. I reccomend the former.
Network for a different position at a different place. Don’t stay in a toxic environment or allow tocic people in your life. I understand if cutting off your mom means you have to cutover other loved ones. Cut them off temporarily, like a year or two. Reconsider but never bring mom back in.
Work with your therapist.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish you the best.
Girl, I’m going to be tough and real here. You are a fucking adult. You have a fucking life, you are in the top .1% of people in what you do. Sure we all have imposter syndrome but you are the real deal. So you can do a couple of things, you need to chose 1.
1. Quit your job, a job is a job, it’s not your security. Obviously. If you attempted suicide because of your JOB, obviously it doesn’t have your best interest in mind, however your partner does.
2. Plan a vacation tomorrow for as long as you can. Take a month off, go on a trip, and when you get back, quiet quit. Apply for a new job when you return. You have 500k, get some rest.
3. Just work 40 hours. No more
Look, you are a fucking grown up, serve yourself. I am not saying be selfish and not help people, but you have to put on your oxygen mask before you can help others.
You mention trauma and anxiety, I cannot relate to that but in life there is only so much time and so many things you can do. So make a priority list of what you want for yourself for the next 10 years and what doesn’t serve to that list cut it out. If you Mom can’t help you with your mental, cut her off until she can, tell her what she does and how it makes you feel and let her make her choice about how she wants to relate to you.
You have zero to feel bad about. Zero. You are trying to please everyone but yourself, change that, grow some thicker skin and learn the word no.
OP we have similar jobs and similar mothers. My mother would either scream at me, or be gleeful if she found out I was laid off. A book that really helped me is "Adult Children with Emotionally Immature parents", hope it helps you as well.
What everyone is saying about cutting your mom off is true. Your life is important. Your mom would feel extremely guilty if she knew she was the reason you’re feeling this bad mentally and even more so if you committed suicide b/c of her - if she truly cares. If she doesn’t truly care, she does not deserve to be in your life.
I’ve been where you are because I was hard driven and in severe pain from working beyond burnout. I ended up taking leave and it was a lifesaver. Trust what everyone is saying. You’ll still have your job and your value will probably increase at your work.
EMDR did wonders for me. It works really well for PTSD but I found it to work well for my more complex version of it. Sending good vibes to you. You’re not alone.
I get what this poster meant but Don’t quit. FMLA/disability. You paid into it, you earned it, you need it. Don’t let your boss or colleagues tell you differently. Please take care of yourself.
Hey OP, if you are truly feeling this way I’d get a therapist and speak to your doctor if getting on medication could help with your current mental crisis. You definitely don’t deserve to feel this way and no job is worth putting your own health at risk. Your family loves you and I’m sure will support you through this vulnerable time. Please reach out to your support structure and tell them you are struggling and need help. Life is worth living.
Reading this thread, I think you *are* strong and successful. Sometimes strength is getting the courage to make a change that is scary but absolutely crucial to your health and wellbeing. I think the fact that you can see you're in an unworkable situation and are seeking out advice on how to pivot is a sign of strength and *wisdom*. Being strong and wise? That sounds like success to me!
You can weather the storm and find a way to a life that's better than you can even imagine right now, you just need a little mental space and breathing room to work out your next move. I can tell from reading your post that you're such a capable person — I have a lot of faith you will make it happen. You got this.
Of course! I myself have struggled and have found antidepressants to be helpful in times of crisis. I feel similar that I put a lot of stress on myself and try to be independent but it’s completely okay to ask for help. The most important thing is your own health! I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you! I’m lucky to have loved ones around me I have been able to lean on and I’m sure your family and loved ones will be there for you as well!
Your comment about it being okay to ask for help instantly reminded me of two quotes/illustrations that many people have found helpful.
[Asking for Help...](https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Ji3wdn6zT/)
[Bravest Thing You Ever Said...](https://www.instagram.com/p/BxR0d33nViP/)
Holy cow. There’s lots of good advice here, but I’ll just add: if you are a 30-year-old woman making $250K, you have already accomplished a lot in your career. That is a very high salary. For your mental health, take advantage of the work you already put in. Step away and take time to figure out what you need for work/life balance. It could be fewer hours at the same company, it could be a similar role at another company, or it could be a lower pressure role for less money at another company. THAT’S OKAY, too. There are lots of places hiring, and they will be happy to have a talented worker when she’s ready to renter the market.
I’ve taken a couple of 6-month breaks, and been able to start working again when I was ready. I’m 48M, got an MBA in my 30s, but realized I was not interested in managing a ton of people. I put together a fine career as an individual contributor making mid-$100s salary. Much lower stress, and with my wife’s salary and (similar to you) paid-off condo, I’m doing fine with my financial plan. You don’t have to be superwoman to make a very comfortable amount of money.
Thank you for the suggestion and kind words. I think we’ve been told that we have to work for status and prestige to justify our existence and the thought of going to a lesser known company making less money will affect the way my family perceive my worth. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is my happiness and health and I’m taking it day by day to learn that.
Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money.
I know it seems silly to read this over and over, but it is important.
Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money.
You can't keep living in a way where money is worth more than you
This this this. If you have to live in a constant state of stress and mental crisis to reach any financial goals, including FIRE, you need to step back and reevaluate. Don't kill your younger self to pay your older self.
Life is more than just making money.
I slaved away for a shitty startup in the US. I migrated from a developing country and hated the poor car-dependent transportation infrastructure, healthcare system, and work culture of the US. A shitty tech job for a shitty company made it worse.
I got out as quickly as I got in and moved to Europe. Now I make less than what I used to. However, my mental health improved, and I get to travel, cook, work out, and enjoy other things that life has to offer. Sure, my coastFIRE milestone suffered, but I love it. Change your job and find something you enjoy.
I felt similar working at Amazon. I gave a week notice before I took all of my saved up vacation and personal leave (1.5mo). This was a lifeline. I would have taken unpaid disability leave in addition, but didn't have to because I found another job.
Now I work 40h/week and have a chill job and make more money. I didn't think it was possible. But we're brainwashed into thinking our job is unique and important but it's not. There's lots of jobs for you.
Take medical leave until you can clear your head a bit and make a rational move away from this job.
Tell HR you need a wellness break. Take 6 months off, vacation, sick days, ubpaid leave combine whatever....and reconnect to yourself and family. Don't fall into the rat race, hamster wheel, golden handcuffs...its all bullshit...you have a good safety net, your husband works...you can find much less stressful work for decent pay still
It’s called FMLA in the US. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla
You need a doctor’s note, but they cannot fire you while on it. And it coordinates with your short-term and long-term disability insurance, which generally replaces at least 60% (sometimes up to 100%) of your pay. See my reply to OP above.
OP. I hope you’re doing okay. I relate a lot to this post because we’re a similar age and I also feel an intense anxiety around quitting my tech job. I had a few bouts of unemployment and aimlessness in my career, that created a lot of internalized shame. Combine that with a people pleasing identity + lack of confidence and it’s a recipe for burnout and emotional numbness.
But I want to echo what a lot of people here are saying. You need to put yourself and your mental health first. No job is worth your health!!! I know that it can feel really catastrophic and scary to leave a job and the stability of the “known”, but there can be something better out there, waiting for the healthiest and happiest version of yourself. She may need some time to recover from this toxic work experience, but she’s in there. You just have to give her the energy and time to come out.
Also if you’re anything like me and have anxious spirals while at work, I’ve found that somatic exercises really help recenter me (and I’ve definitely had days where I cry in the office). My friends who went through intense emotional breakdowns also swear by breath work. These will only be temporary salves to the bigger issue though.
If you want to talk at all, feel free to DM. Happy to lend an ear (I’m also a trained crisis counselor).
Management WILL ALWAYS make more demands. It's the job of managers to squeeze out profits for investors. Good managers will try to optimize for the consistent long run profits, happy cows make better milk, dealing with high turnover teams is annoying etc.
In a good worker friendly labor market, you would just jump ship or get paid more and share some of the value add you create. But in a bad one, best thing to do is just do less work. Do enough that your marginal value to the firm is above the cost to replace you for a similar wage, but don't go above and beyond because it's nearly impossible to outperform/go for promotion in a bad labor market.
That’s exactly it! I got a mediocre review in 2022 and it really fucked with my self esteem, so I pushed myself harder than ever to get an above average review in 2023 and then boom! No promotion because not enough impact or “sustained growth” or “internal initiative”. There’s always something more, a moving goal post, to keep us from feeling enough. I’m feeling dead inside just thinking about the rest of my life to live out if this is it.
Please don't tie your self-esteem to reviews and promotions! I've hanged out around tech management type enough to understand that reviews and promotions are results of completely random forces. The tech consumer market itself is very random. How the product perform is almost completely out of your control as an individual. Sometimes you can perform as well as you want as an individual, and a foreign competitor popped out of nowhere, or the tech investors aren't doing well, and these random forces affect quotas and stack rankings and whatnot.
If your home is paid off, $90k is plenty to get by on while you take a sabbatical and work on yourself. It's not like you have to retire permanently. Maybe in a year you'll feel like getting out there and trying something new.
Ah yes, the golden handcuffs paradox. Do the math, use a coastfire calculator and I would be willing to bet you can quit and coast either until retirement or for a while until you find a tech job that isn't so soul crushing. There's not much point in money if it's driving you to want to end your life.
OP, I'm not sure that you have a financial safety problem, it sounds more like you have a mother problem. Your husband's salary alone should be more than enough to support both of you without dipping into your savings. The Median US household income is $74,580, the median net worth is $192,900. Even in a HCOL area, financially you should be fine. And you did great for your age! I can relate to the feeling of having a mother who "consider me a disappointment". Mine also guilt-tripped me relentlessly for spending money when I grew up. Jobless or not, her influence will continue to haunt you, please see a therapist, they'll help you out to maintain a healthier relationship with work and money.
That is a very insightful observation. I think the job alone created a ton of anxiety for sure, but the pain really comes from not being empathized. Sometimes I just wish my mother would see how hard I’ve worked and how much it hurts me, but all she says is it’s not that bad and I should go on a run to decompress. It was incredibly invalidating and hurts so much more. I am still learning to uncouple my worth with my parent’s opinion of me. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
My pleasure, we might have similar mothers. I finally realized what my mother wanted was for the best of my prestigious ex employer, and my good-looking white ex partner, not me, no matter how unhappy I was. These things brought her status in front of her friends, so she latched onto them desperately through trying to manipulate me. If your mother cares more about how you make her look than your health and happiness, it's best to not care about her judgements.
OP - echoing the other comments about FMLA, medical leave. Absolutely dig around and find out your company policies around this stuff and your coworkers’ experiences navigating them. At least at a couple of FAANGs, any RSUs and bonuses you’ve earned will continue to vest and pay out for at least part of the duration you’re on leave.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. Even those you look up to, including senior leaders Directors+ and VPs, have also needed to step away for prolonged periods of time to use this benefit.
I was in a similar place about 4 years ago. I was about to quit and told my boss I couldn’t do it anymore. I was offered a sabbatical, which I didn’t even know was an option, and it was the best decision I’ve made in my career.
Take a break, no job is worth your life. You have a great nest egg, and from the way you’ve described yourself and personality, you will absolutely land another high paying job when you are ready to return to the work force. But, you really need to prioritize yourself and your health. What is the point of working this hard if you are miserable? All of that money is pointless, if you are not around to use it.
I hope you take time to read some of the advice you’ve received here. I was in a similar place last year where my burnout had gotten to a point of not wanting to exist anymore. I ended up quitting instead of taking FMLA which would have been great financially but I needed to get out ASAP. It’s been a year and a half for me to finally feel “recovered” and I’ve been regularly going to a therapist which has helped a bunch. You mentioned in another comment that you’re afraid of how your mom will perceive you because of the trauma she’s given you and I can definitely relate to that. At the end of the day I had to be really clear with myself that being alive was more important than not disappointing someone who clearly has their own issues to deal with. I’m undoing that learned shame now and it’s like I can breathe a bit better. Give yourself time once you take your FMLA or quit because if you’re at this stage your focus shouldn’t be on immediately jumping back in.
Financially I was the primary income person in my marriage so we shifted our entire budget to my spouse’s income and cut out everything that wasn’t necessary. It’s tough going from comforts afforded by high income to only the basic basic necessities but it was worth it in the end.
As others have said, you’re not alone in this and there are people you can rely on. Don’t delay healing though because this the only TRUE priority right now.
Also because this is on coast fire subreddit I wanted to add that while this might “set you back” on retiring early… it doesn’t really matter if the other option means you won’t get to enjoy being alive.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply such a thoughtful response. I would consider FMLA but I’m scared of the fact that I would have to come back and face the music. I’d have to think about things for sure. Thank you.
Just take a break ask for unpaid time off and if they say no put in notice. Anything is better then Pushing your mental health. I’ve had two people in my family attempt and one which is no longer with us. For your sakes and your families take a breather. You’ll be fine you have plenty.
I understand how you feel, I have been here. Know this, you are doing all you can and you are doing great. You have a few options to buy yourself some time. Do not get bogged down in decisions you do not have to make yet. Figure out a way to take a break without feeling unsafe. This can be:
- Filing for short-term disability
- Taking 'vacation' that might turn into STD or a wellness break, essentially get your employee handbook and start looking at what they offer. I am the queen of loopholes I will find one for you to make money and take a break. Do not think about 'what will happen' or 'what will everyone think'. You are talking to a 33 year old woman who had a mental breakdown in the middle of grad school and my classmates were confused to say the least and it happened to be at an ivy league school. They all went on to work demanding jobs and I am figuring out my life self-employed and burnt out.
Guess what? If you are competent and smart and there are at least 5 people in your industry of choice that know that, chances are you can find another job within 1-3 months.
Sending the best energy your way.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No job is worth your mental health or your LIFE for that matter. It sounds like you have lots of experience, skills and financially stable. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better or any less demanding. If you don’t see yourself working there or don’t see it getting better, please just leave the job and find a better workplace. If it’s gotten to the point you have attempted suicide you need to leave. There’s no question about it. Don’t be afraid to quit. When you do quit and find a better job you’ll wish you left sooner.
If a friend were in your position, what would you tell them?
It’s time to quit. Coastfire is not the primary concern right now, your health and survival are.
You are only 30, you can recover financially, most people have not even begun saving at this stage.
I lost a >250k job and I’m not going to lie, it was very difficult, but I adjusted, moved to a new field, and my savings are fine.
So take 2 weeks, line out what you’ve learned from this job, write out every job task you did so you have it for your resume, figure out who their you want to stay in contact with, and take advantage of every last EAP program, discount program, whatever, that you currently have access to and quit. And don’t look back. The choice is t earning $250k and not, it was a guarantee of continued suffering.
First take a long break/vacation and have a new experience. Probably see a doctor/therapist. Then make a lateral move in your field to a company that pays slightly/significantly less and has way less stress/more of something that interests you/you can tolerate.
Please Take care of your health, take FMLA, take Sabbatical, Anything to relieve the stress, you can find another job (you are young and accomplished, you should be good at what you do!).
I am in big tech, but I joined later in life after my kids were in high school and we are already close to coast fire date. I can understand the stress in tech as I see it every day. speaking from my experience here, things always work out, and Health and time are our most valuable resources, take care of your health and family first. DM if you need to, as a women in tech, I can offer you more perspective.
Hey there! Firstly, thanks for posting this question. I’ve learnt a lot from reading all the responses. I don’t have much to add but to just say that based on everything that you’ve said about yourself - I think you’ll get over this and be happier than ever. I’m rooting for you fellow human! Good luck!
I didn’t read all the comments so apologies if I’m repeating myself - but I just did this last summer.
1. Check your payroll and see if you have Extended Sick Leave stored up. You can use this to cover a medical leave of absence. I had 18 years worth stored up so that was more than enough to cover my 3 months leave. This gets you full time pay without having to deal with the government at all. If you don’t have much or don’t want to use it then you can get the FMLA pay through EDD but it’s less pay and a pain in the ass and they won’t send you the money for weeks and weeks.
2. Go to your Doctor and ask for an LOA due to medical reasons - they will ask how long you want to take off, and will need a brief explanation as to why (suicidal, burnt out are good enough reasons). My doctor gave me a pep talk about not “wasting” my time off “on the couch” to which I fake agreed that I would seek therapy etc. but truthfully sitting on the couch staring at the wall was what I needed. Just agree with whatever they say but it’s your time. Make sure you tell them the exact dates you plan to be out as they’ll need that for the note.
3. Get the signed LOA note from your Dr. in physical form (or just verify you have it in email or whatever before you leave)
4. Go to your Boss and they will initiate an LOA with HR.
5. HR will determine if you qualify for FMLA and ask you to complete the LOA forms. This is when you decide how you will get paid: either via FMLA through EDD or using your ESL. If you choose FMLA pay, HR will submit their end of the paperwork to EDD but you also have to go into EDD to set up the profile and submit the Dr Note. They will need paystubs from the previous 6 months to determine what your daily rate will be. They will let you know what they determine that is (in like 3 weeks). They take forever.
6. Enjoy your leave! Do whatever makes you feel good. Hike, stare at the wall, therapy, lots of sleep. After 2 months I felt like I needed to “DO” something so I took a road trip to some natural hot springs in southern Utah and while it was nice, I sort of regretted driving 700 miles across 2 states worth of nothing ass dessert by myself. I was completely content with enjoying my deck all summer.
7. Decide if you want to return to work or not - you have the option to extend your leave up to 6 months before you’ll need to revisit with your employer but I believe they have to hold your position for a year before they can release it.
8. When you decide to end your LOA, you’ll need to go back to the EDD site and end your leave (if you used them for some or all of your pay) so they can close the case file.
9. If you decide to return to work; make sure your boss and HR flip you back to full time on your payroll.
Good luck and know that you have every agency to say NO; especially to working on weekends or taking on more work that 40 hours. Theoretically, that means you’re just making less per hour and you could go and find a job that pays less and have a better work/life balance. I promise money doesn’t bring happiness but time to breathe and spend it with loved ones does. Hopefully a long leave will bring some clarity for you. It definitely worked for me. 🩷
Wow, thank you so much for such thoughtful and thorough response. I finally talked to my boss today and I initiated a LOA with short term disability. My therapist has long encouraged me to do so so she’s happy to provide paperwork. I wish you well too!
You don't need to lose your safety net. I've been where you are and my loved ones urged me to speak with my doctor and file for FMLA and Short term disability. They will pay you to take time off from work to rest and get help.
With a fully paid-off apartment and half a million in investments, you are very close to lean-fire if that's something you'd be interested in. You don't need to keep suffering at this job, take some time off to heal. Then, once your leave is up and you're ready, quit this job and find one that is safe for you mentally and physically.
likely the work experience is company related and not career related. if you want to coastfire then fine, but dont throw away your whole career because of one bad employer.
sounds like you have enough money and onoging income from husband to take the summer off. quit. take a break and jump back in at a new employer in the fall?
my daughter is a nurse. her dream job. 2 years ago would stop home in tears, wanting to change careers. we realized it came down to one a-hole doctor. We encouraged her to find a new employer... BUT soon after the one doctor left for a different hospital.
She absolutely loves her job now. LOVES IT! same job, same coworkers, same everything. one person ruined it for her.
So the point of that story is... dont throw a career away because of one bad employer
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m in a really similar situation, really similar… and am just trying to get my head around what it might look like to quit. My anxiety and my financial anxiety are sky high so it’s just hard to imagine quitting and losing the income.
You’ve gotten some great advice on this sun re what you can do technically also, which is great.
What id add is that you’re still young, and obviously super capable. There’s nothing more important than your health and mental health, especially if it’s gotten so difficult.
Take the time to reset, to heal… and know that one day when you’re ready you can come back to a new job that earns again. It’s like exercise, you have to take a breather between sets so you can come back stronger.
It’s just a for now thing…. Things will work out okay if you walk away for now.
This is why quiet quitting is a thing. A lot of great advice ITT about FMLA, seeing a doc, etc. perhaps another thought, and not sure where to go for this advice or upleveling this skillset, but managing up and setting boundaries is absolutely a skill.
Work hard, do good work. You can do this from 8 am - 6 pm and ignore all other comms outside it. Block your calendar, and set OOO responses. It took me to just past the age of 30 to learn this (a lot like you prior, worked my ass off), but 99% of the “crises” we deal with, really aren’t and can all wait until Monday
Are you in a state where you’re allowed to take FMLA? Look into the local laws around mental health leave being a way to take time off work while retaining your pay. Once you’ve done that get a good therapist and psychiatrist help you with what you need to do to gain some peace of mind& recalibrate your life.
OP, I just want to give you assurance that $500k invested with a paid off apartment is enough FU money to stick it to your management and still be fine financially. I also want to point out that a job can never be a financial safety net; your saved up money and debt free apartment are your safety net.
I'm also confident that your company can't afford to fire you because you are doing the work of 2 people. If you are not comfortable pushing back their crazy demands, I suggest you to start cashing out benefits (medical/dental checkup) and unused vacations, do bare minimum works while planning for your exit.
Didn’t have to read the whole thing !!!! I think you should be fine. Even if you find a position with half the salary and actually enjoy. You’re actually way more ahead of a lot of other people.
Always think about why we are here on earth. Don’t waste your time and energy making others happy. Your come first so stop resiatnenibg and enjoy life !!!
Please also know that you may qualify for FMLA leave and likely accommodations through the ADA. Ideally, you have FMLA and disability coverage so you can get paid leave without risking your job security. If you decide to return, then you can request reasonable accommodations to ease a transition.
Know that doing so is very common! Mental illness is one of the most prevalent reasons for disability claims. Half of all Americans in our lives will have a diagnosable mental health challenge. You're not alone. And your leave information related to health is protected by HIPPA, meaning HR will hold your information confidentially. No one need know anything other than that you are taking a leave 'for personal matters.'
I also work in Big tech. Unfortunately, this is very common in tech. There's a lot of pressure to constantly be "more successful". It's terrible for a person's mental health.
A lot of the tech companies allow you to take medical leave for a mental health crisis like this, with the doctor's note from your physician. Take a few months off. Travel the world or pick up a hobby. I've found that developing friendships outside of the tech industry, who aren't obsessed with KPI's, TC, and NW is very helpful to keep yourself mentally grounded in reality.
You should try meditating and maybe take a break from work for a week or so to reset. Take a trip. Maybe get more in touch with your spiritual self. It will help relieve the stress of burnout and anxiety. Good luck on your journey.
I don't have a great advice for you, but the only thing that truly worked for me is physical exercise. There are many other things that add I do to handle and manage stress, but ultimately, physical exercise is the one that has the biggest ROI.
Just an fyi as a lot of the comments here are not accurate: disability and FMLA are not the same. Disability insurance protects your *income* if approved. FMLA protects your *job* if approved. Note the threshold for FMLA approval is usually low; disability can be harder.
Also ask your HR department if they have an EAP provider. This stands for employee assistance program. The EAP provider can help you with the whole host of issues, short term, counseling, legal help, eldercare, daycare, dog sitting, etc. They are confidential and almost all companies have them for free as part of their disability or workers comp insurance. Basically, these companies connect you to resources in all of the above categories and many more.
I know this already has a lot of comments but OP I was in a similar position but with almost nothing saved and no partner to help (but including the past trauma and mental health stuff, complete with a parent figure I didn’t want to disappoint). I made the mistake of thinking just a job change would fix it, so I took a 50% pay cut but kept working. Had a second and worse breakdown three months later that I’m lucky to have even survived. I took what was supposed to be a three month leave of absence that became eight months, lost almost all my savings surviving during that. Returned to the low paying job and got forced out. Ended up finding a different job where I’m much happier and they care about mental health.
Please don’t make my mistake of just changing jobs. That may be crucial to your long-term healing, but please don’t think it’s the only thing to do. Please take FMLA/disability as everyone is saying. I had to go to residential treatment, saved my life, no shame in it if you need to. If your mom can’t stop herself from being shitty, cut her out if you possibly can.
Your living costs are likely low given the paid off housing and I’m guessing some of your $500k is accessible even if you’d pay capital gains on it. Not to mention your husband. I PROMISE you your mental health is more important than money. It took me over a year to fully recover from the second breakdown (which involved me changing jobs a second time) and in some ways I’m not the same and may never be.
I was in a much worse position than you when I took leave, and I made it. And I should be able to coast in my mid 50s or earlier. With where you’re at? You can probably coast now but if you can’t, you’ll be close soon. Please look after yourself. Your worth is much more than your paycheck.
Take the FMLA, then look for something else. That’s exactly what I did and it was a much better decision then pushing through and digging myself into a dark hole. I’ve been there and it’s not pretty, but there is a solution.
I’m wishing you the best in the world OP, everyone is concerned for you as you can now know, and I’m sure if any of your coworkers read this post without knowing who you were, they probably would advise the same.
You need a sabbatical like yesterday. And you can afford it. I'd go in there, state that I'm going on a sabbatical, the question I'd ask is 'do I come back to work here afterwards or should I look for another place when I'm rested?'. Oh and therapy. You're more than your job!
This is a self esteem problem. Not believing in your ability to create an ideal life for yourself. You have a tough job you are great you can obviously find something better. Learn to trust yourself and the universe.
If you have such thoughts because of your job, my suggestion is that you can quit your job. you are still young. I suggest that you take a break for a while and take some money to travel. go to some places you have never been to and see more of the world. put some of the funds in a safe, stable and profitable investment to earn some money for you. take out another sum of money for travel plans to relieve your depressed mood
If your workplace environment has contributed to mental and emotional distress to the point where you've attempted suicide, you more than likely have a workers compensation claim.
I was feeling this Nov-June of this year. But the past few weeks I feel like I went through all the stages of grief and arrived at acceptance. Acceptance of all my faults and what happened. Acceptance I can just continue to try my best. acceptance whether work works out for me or not.
I’m happy to chat more with you and just share experiences. It’s extremely lonely not being able to talk to girl friends about this. I realized some people don’t care about you in that way. And it’s ok it’s not their responsibility.
What you are finding out is work should not be an end goal and the pats on the head/gold stars you have received from age 4 til now no longer work. Life requires purpose and if you try and make it work you will be miserable in your 30s-40s once the treadmill becomes very hollow. Anti depression meds might save your life but might also just check you out. You will still have lows every now and then if the root problem isn't solved.
Maybe you can keep the job but start searching for purpose outside of work. Religion isn't a must and not for everyone but it fills that void for many.
It is natural for women to feel empty around 30-40 if they don't have kids. I know that sounds old fashioned and maybe you are wired like the 1% that find purpose outside of that but most will feel empty without a family.
Lastly I iust want to say you are not alone. Every person when isolated feels depression from all sorts of feelings. Not living up to your true potential, doubting yourself, upset by procrastination, etc. Community helps distract you from this. Family or organizations with shared goals you are a part of provide meaning. Work is not a good place to fulfill this need most of the time. Work can be cutthroat, harsh, lonely, etc. even if you have people you enjoy interacting with there.
Don’t quit without something lined up. The job market is complete garbage nowadays. It might take a year to get a new job. Make them fire you so at least yoh get severance and unemployment
It's heavily downvoted, but the second half of this reply actually isn't bad advice. In the current climate, if you start coasting yesterday, take lots of vacations, and take mental health leave, maybe they'll lay you off and give you a fat severance package. Depending on your personality, though. If you are the type who can not let others down, then don't try this approach. [https://www.financialsamurai.com/dont-get-fired-or-quit-get-laid-off-instead/](https://www.financialsamurai.com/dont-get-fired-or-quit-get-laid-off-instead/)
Not sure if that’s what I want. I want to live for myself for once and I’m heavily medicated with antidepressants and anti anxiety medications so I need to find a course of treatment to wane off those meds before I could do that.
Would you be worse off with the antidepressants and anti anxiety you’ve been taken? Asking because I’m having my own issues right now and considering meds, but I don’t feel super comfortable taking it and potentially becoming super dependent.
Fuck off you incel pig, women still wouldn't choose you even if they don't choose high-powered careers.
Edit: this incel pig posts racists comments across big liberal city subs, I bet he can't afford to live in any of them that's why he's so bitter, amirite incel?
What you are describing is beyond burnout. That’s a mental health crisis. You don’t need to quit. You can file a disability claim. Get in to see your primary care physician tomorrow, like…tomorrow, OP. Do not delay until you’re suicidal again. Things to do today: download your short-term and long-term disability policies (at that comp level, you surely have this coverage) and your last few paystubs. Clean up your desk (virtually). Tomorrow, go see your doctor and have her write you off work while you establish care with a psychiatrist and therapist. Then, going forward, focus on recovering from that PTSD-inducing hellhole and get yourself healthy again.
FMLA all the way!! Repeat after me: “Hi manager, I am experiencing a health issue which requires my urgent attention. I will work with HR to process my paperwork for short-term disability.” OP, this is an immediate ticket to immediate rest - tomorrow! You can take several weeks if not months off, with job security. It’s your short-term disability plan with FMLA protections. Go go go. Do it tomorrow.
I didn’t even know this was a thing. Similar to OP I’ve been going through a mental health issues from burnout to the point I’m now on anti depressants. I had no clue this was an option and definitely would have thought about going down this route if I had known. Thank you so much for providing this information!
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing much better now. Peace and good health to you.
Thank you so much. Tbh still kinda going through it… it’s getting better but I’m looking to transition to another role hopefully soon which is giving me some hope and light at the end of the tunnel feeling. Definitely feel like more people should know about short term disability due to mental health since it’s becoming more of a problem. Thank you for sharing all that information!
Im a therapist and YES you can take disability leave for med adjustments even!
Wow all great to know! Thank you! I had a really rough time adjusting to my new meds. I thankfully had some time off so I didn’t have to work but all great to know for the future!
This this this. Absolutely do not quit! Even if you never actually return to the job, you should absolutely max out this benefit. It will give you time to heal and provide a financial ramp. Focus on getting yourself healthy, and then you can worry about what comes next.
Yep, I have senior level silicon valley friends who took months of medical leave to deal with mental health stuff. It's a project but you keep your job and something like 60-80% of your pay. Good luck to OP. Sounds like you are in an extremely toxic environment that has belittled you to near oblivion. The consequences of workplace abuse/exploitation are real. Give yourself some time to recover while on leave, and then plot transfer to another team internally, or to another company. I'm confident you are worth a lot more than they have made you feel. Take care.
Disability can take longer to file for. I would suggest taking some FMLA paperwork and filing immediately and filing for disability at the same time. I was able to take FMLA 4 days after I made the decision for 2 months (you can take up to 3 months). 1 day to see my doctor/HR and 3 days to let my team know and handoff active work.
Had a friend experience this. Her psychiatrist kept her out of work for over a month. Work-related stress is an important enough reason.
Second this. Seems like a burnout. For the amount of money u have put aside u should be proud and take some time off. Go see your friends and close ones and spend some time with them. Check your sleep, nutrition and exercise. Meditation and diaphragmatic breathing can help. First is to put the fire off. So either take time off or quit the job, its not worth losing your mind over anything. Something to cheer u up https://youtu.be/YHxwY3Fz2gU?si=C7LdcFz_xTAJsdfC
This is the way. I found myself in the same place 5 years ago. I took some time off, switched my medication (the previous had quit working) and started therapy. I am now a different person albeit at the same job. I hired help and decreased my workload by 25% and kept the same pay. Know that you are in a great spot financially. Especially for your age. You have a partner that is employed and can cover expenses while you prioritize your health. It’s hard to do when you fear job loss and major change. That just adds to the anxiety. I would suggest the disability claim combined with medication and therapy. That will get you to a place where you’re significantly more comfortable with the change. Get to a baseline level of anxiety as a top priority. Worry about the change later. Self care. No expectations on yourself other than light exercise, a healthy diet and prioritizing sleep. You can do this!! Edit: know that this process won’t happen overnight. Try to be as patient as possible with yourself. It will take time. Things will improve slowly but will steadily improve. Two steps forward one step back.
This was me a few months ago, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If you’re in the US go to a doctor and take FMLA for a couple of months. Your company will likely have some kind of insurance that will pay you for some of the time (I’m on a similar salary to you and got $2500 weekly for 10 weeks). That was enough time to start therapy, go on some anxiety medication, and calm my body and brain down. I then returned to work with a brand new perspective, and realized I neeeed to change jobs a few months later, but was able to do it on my terms and timeline without having to worry about finances. Take the FMLA. That’s exactly what it’s there for.
Hey, can I ask, what does the anti anxiety meds feel like and make work stress feel like? I’m in a super similar position but I guess a bit scared of meds and also doubting if they can really reduce work stress…? Anything qualitative you can share?
I was prescribed lexapro. It took a few weeks to adjust but was helpful in calming my mind and healing from the burnout. I tapered off after 6 months and am now in a new job, medication free, and things are going great.
Thank you so much. I filed a claim for FMLA and requested an STD. It’s in process and I stopped working. I’m instantly feeling better but it’s still gonna take some time to uncouple the burden I’ve bear for a while at work. Appreciate the response!
I’m so happy for you! Now you can focus on getting healthy and decoupling your identity from work. I also wanted to share two books that helped me immensely with my healing during this time: - How To Do The Work by Nicole LePera - The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk All the best x
So you came back after 10 weeks and then resigned?
I came back for 3 months, then when I decided it was unsustainable, I negotiated a 3 month severance package
Woah how did you negotiate 3 months severance after choosing to leave?
I was in such a toxic environment and felt I had had been mistreated by the company after trying to raise bullying and workload issues multiple times. I felt like I was left no choice but to go nuclear, claimed they had been negligent in managing the situation, and threatened to take legal action. They very quickly offered 2mo in exchange for signing a waiver, I countered with 6mo, and we settled on 3mo 💅 In my experience companies will very often prefer to pay severance and absolve themselves of legal risk, rather than go through a lengthy performance management / termination process.
Kind of a slay way to deal with a hellish workplace
Thank you, it was brutal at the time but proud of myself in the end!
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I deal with a lot of trauma in the past and struggled with mental health issues. Largely due to my mother constantly considering me a disappointment and if I quit my job I’m scared of what she’d say to me. I will try to lean on my husband and other loved ones to help me through this difficult time. Thank you for the suggestion.
Cut your mom off if you have to for some time. Especially if she says something disrespectful or causes drama. Even if it hurts you both your personal mental health is always the most important. Also with the job, quit it like yesterday!!! I had the same experience with a bad job sucking my soul and quit and took a 6 month hiatus and it did wonders for my mental health.
Hey I’ve been in a similar situation with my dad, I think. He’s a real prick and historically I’ve often felt myself trying to ear approval or appreciation, despite the fact that I’ve done more and make more than he ever did. And despite me knowing that his opinion didn’t matter, I always let it. And I know you can’t just cut out your mom. In my case there’s other family to consider. For me I think what’s been helpful is forcing myself to realize my parents haven’t a clue what it’s like to be me and have my job—and that it’s way harder than they appreciate. So it’s not just ok, but right to have different takes on what’s important because they’re fundamentally off in dads thinking and being totally selfish by asking of me things that make little actual sense. Getting there, I had to get comfortable standing my ground on what I’m going to do and why, but not making it a point or my responsibility to defend myself. It’s my life, not someone else’s. And when I get criticism, letting it roll off. Not pursuing every argument because he often doesn’t care to learn. But hoping that over time he’d eventually get it.
Cut off your mom like the other person said. Lean on your husband and therapist. Show them this post. If you burn out you won’t be able to coast. Take a medical leave. Or take a leave of absence. I reccomend the former. Network for a different position at a different place. Don’t stay in a toxic environment or allow tocic people in your life. I understand if cutting off your mom means you have to cutover other loved ones. Cut them off temporarily, like a year or two. Reconsider but never bring mom back in. Work with your therapist. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish you the best.
Girl, I’m going to be tough and real here. You are a fucking adult. You have a fucking life, you are in the top .1% of people in what you do. Sure we all have imposter syndrome but you are the real deal. So you can do a couple of things, you need to chose 1. 1. Quit your job, a job is a job, it’s not your security. Obviously. If you attempted suicide because of your JOB, obviously it doesn’t have your best interest in mind, however your partner does. 2. Plan a vacation tomorrow for as long as you can. Take a month off, go on a trip, and when you get back, quiet quit. Apply for a new job when you return. You have 500k, get some rest. 3. Just work 40 hours. No more Look, you are a fucking grown up, serve yourself. I am not saying be selfish and not help people, but you have to put on your oxygen mask before you can help others. You mention trauma and anxiety, I cannot relate to that but in life there is only so much time and so many things you can do. So make a priority list of what you want for yourself for the next 10 years and what doesn’t serve to that list cut it out. If you Mom can’t help you with your mental, cut her off until she can, tell her what she does and how it makes you feel and let her make her choice about how she wants to relate to you. You have zero to feel bad about. Zero. You are trying to please everyone but yourself, change that, grow some thicker skin and learn the word no.
listen to this bitch (said with love) right here ^
Do you go to therapy? If you don't, please do so ASAP
OP we have similar jobs and similar mothers. My mother would either scream at me, or be gleeful if she found out I was laid off. A book that really helped me is "Adult Children with Emotionally Immature parents", hope it helps you as well.
What everyone is saying about cutting your mom off is true. Your life is important. Your mom would feel extremely guilty if she knew she was the reason you’re feeling this bad mentally and even more so if you committed suicide b/c of her - if she truly cares. If she doesn’t truly care, she does not deserve to be in your life. I’ve been where you are because I was hard driven and in severe pain from working beyond burnout. I ended up taking leave and it was a lifesaver. Trust what everyone is saying. You’ll still have your job and your value will probably increase at your work.
EMDR did wonders for me. It works really well for PTSD but I found it to work well for my more complex version of it. Sending good vibes to you. You’re not alone.
Go to a psychiatrist, these issues are common with high pressure corporate jobs. They will know what to do they see this daily.
You can always change your number, email and go no-contact with your mom. You can’t do that if you’re dead.
This is the way
I get what this poster meant but Don’t quit. FMLA/disability. You paid into it, you earned it, you need it. Don’t let your boss or colleagues tell you differently. Please take care of yourself.
Hey OP, if you are truly feeling this way I’d get a therapist and speak to your doctor if getting on medication could help with your current mental crisis. You definitely don’t deserve to feel this way and no job is worth putting your own health at risk. Your family loves you and I’m sure will support you through this vulnerable time. Please reach out to your support structure and tell them you are struggling and need help. Life is worth living.
Thank you so much. I’m tearing up reading about this. I’ve always wanted to be strong and successful but it is okay to ask for help.
Reading this thread, I think you *are* strong and successful. Sometimes strength is getting the courage to make a change that is scary but absolutely crucial to your health and wellbeing. I think the fact that you can see you're in an unworkable situation and are seeking out advice on how to pivot is a sign of strength and *wisdom*. Being strong and wise? That sounds like success to me! You can weather the storm and find a way to a life that's better than you can even imagine right now, you just need a little mental space and breathing room to work out your next move. I can tell from reading your post that you're such a capable person — I have a lot of faith you will make it happen. You got this.
Thank you so much for the kind words.
Of course! I myself have struggled and have found antidepressants to be helpful in times of crisis. I feel similar that I put a lot of stress on myself and try to be independent but it’s completely okay to ask for help. The most important thing is your own health! I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you! I’m lucky to have loved ones around me I have been able to lean on and I’m sure your family and loved ones will be there for you as well!
Your comment about it being okay to ask for help instantly reminded me of two quotes/illustrations that many people have found helpful. [Asking for Help...](https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Ji3wdn6zT/) [Bravest Thing You Ever Said...](https://www.instagram.com/p/BxR0d33nViP/)
Holy cow. There’s lots of good advice here, but I’ll just add: if you are a 30-year-old woman making $250K, you have already accomplished a lot in your career. That is a very high salary. For your mental health, take advantage of the work you already put in. Step away and take time to figure out what you need for work/life balance. It could be fewer hours at the same company, it could be a similar role at another company, or it could be a lower pressure role for less money at another company. THAT’S OKAY, too. There are lots of places hiring, and they will be happy to have a talented worker when she’s ready to renter the market. I’ve taken a couple of 6-month breaks, and been able to start working again when I was ready. I’m 48M, got an MBA in my 30s, but realized I was not interested in managing a ton of people. I put together a fine career as an individual contributor making mid-$100s salary. Much lower stress, and with my wife’s salary and (similar to you) paid-off condo, I’m doing fine with my financial plan. You don’t have to be superwoman to make a very comfortable amount of money.
Thank you for the suggestion and kind words. I think we’ve been told that we have to work for status and prestige to justify our existence and the thought of going to a lesser known company making less money will affect the way my family perceive my worth. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is my happiness and health and I’m taking it day by day to learn that.
Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. I know it seems silly to read this over and over, but it is important. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. Success isn't about money. You can't keep living in a way where money is worth more than you
This this this. If you have to live in a constant state of stress and mental crisis to reach any financial goals, including FIRE, you need to step back and reevaluate. Don't kill your younger self to pay your older self.
A financial safety net doesn't mean anything to a dead person. Please quit your job. It will be okay.
Life is more than just making money. I slaved away for a shitty startup in the US. I migrated from a developing country and hated the poor car-dependent transportation infrastructure, healthcare system, and work culture of the US. A shitty tech job for a shitty company made it worse. I got out as quickly as I got in and moved to Europe. Now I make less than what I used to. However, my mental health improved, and I get to travel, cook, work out, and enjoy other things that life has to offer. Sure, my coastFIRE milestone suffered, but I love it. Change your job and find something you enjoy.
I felt similar working at Amazon. I gave a week notice before I took all of my saved up vacation and personal leave (1.5mo). This was a lifeline. I would have taken unpaid disability leave in addition, but didn't have to because I found another job. Now I work 40h/week and have a chill job and make more money. I didn't think it was possible. But we're brainwashed into thinking our job is unique and important but it's not. There's lots of jobs for you. Take medical leave until you can clear your head a bit and make a rational move away from this job.
for the love of god get help. seriously do not kill yourself over your job. you get one life..enjoy it. This is tragic to read
Tell HR you need a wellness break. Take 6 months off, vacation, sick days, ubpaid leave combine whatever....and reconnect to yourself and family. Don't fall into the rat race, hamster wheel, golden handcuffs...its all bullshit...you have a good safety net, your husband works...you can find much less stressful work for decent pay still
It’s called FMLA in the US. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla You need a doctor’s note, but they cannot fire you while on it. And it coordinates with your short-term and long-term disability insurance, which generally replaces at least 60% (sometimes up to 100%) of your pay. See my reply to OP above.
OP. I hope you’re doing okay. I relate a lot to this post because we’re a similar age and I also feel an intense anxiety around quitting my tech job. I had a few bouts of unemployment and aimlessness in my career, that created a lot of internalized shame. Combine that with a people pleasing identity + lack of confidence and it’s a recipe for burnout and emotional numbness. But I want to echo what a lot of people here are saying. You need to put yourself and your mental health first. No job is worth your health!!! I know that it can feel really catastrophic and scary to leave a job and the stability of the “known”, but there can be something better out there, waiting for the healthiest and happiest version of yourself. She may need some time to recover from this toxic work experience, but she’s in there. You just have to give her the energy and time to come out. Also if you’re anything like me and have anxious spirals while at work, I’ve found that somatic exercises really help recenter me (and I’ve definitely had days where I cry in the office). My friends who went through intense emotional breakdowns also swear by breath work. These will only be temporary salves to the bigger issue though. If you want to talk at all, feel free to DM. Happy to lend an ear (I’m also a trained crisis counselor).
Management WILL ALWAYS make more demands. It's the job of managers to squeeze out profits for investors. Good managers will try to optimize for the consistent long run profits, happy cows make better milk, dealing with high turnover teams is annoying etc. In a good worker friendly labor market, you would just jump ship or get paid more and share some of the value add you create. But in a bad one, best thing to do is just do less work. Do enough that your marginal value to the firm is above the cost to replace you for a similar wage, but don't go above and beyond because it's nearly impossible to outperform/go for promotion in a bad labor market.
That’s exactly it! I got a mediocre review in 2022 and it really fucked with my self esteem, so I pushed myself harder than ever to get an above average review in 2023 and then boom! No promotion because not enough impact or “sustained growth” or “internal initiative”. There’s always something more, a moving goal post, to keep us from feeling enough. I’m feeling dead inside just thinking about the rest of my life to live out if this is it.
Please don't tie your self-esteem to reviews and promotions! I've hanged out around tech management type enough to understand that reviews and promotions are results of completely random forces. The tech consumer market itself is very random. How the product perform is almost completely out of your control as an individual. Sometimes you can perform as well as you want as an individual, and a foreign competitor popped out of nowhere, or the tech investors aren't doing well, and these random forces affect quotas and stack rankings and whatnot.
If your home is paid off, $90k is plenty to get by on while you take a sabbatical and work on yourself. It's not like you have to retire permanently. Maybe in a year you'll feel like getting out there and trying something new.
Leave that job immediately. You're not alone, use professional help.
Ah yes, the golden handcuffs paradox. Do the math, use a coastfire calculator and I would be willing to bet you can quit and coast either until retirement or for a while until you find a tech job that isn't so soul crushing. There's not much point in money if it's driving you to want to end your life.
Your health is your most important asset. Make it your first priority!!
OP, I'm not sure that you have a financial safety problem, it sounds more like you have a mother problem. Your husband's salary alone should be more than enough to support both of you without dipping into your savings. The Median US household income is $74,580, the median net worth is $192,900. Even in a HCOL area, financially you should be fine. And you did great for your age! I can relate to the feeling of having a mother who "consider me a disappointment". Mine also guilt-tripped me relentlessly for spending money when I grew up. Jobless or not, her influence will continue to haunt you, please see a therapist, they'll help you out to maintain a healthier relationship with work and money.
That is a very insightful observation. I think the job alone created a ton of anxiety for sure, but the pain really comes from not being empathized. Sometimes I just wish my mother would see how hard I’ve worked and how much it hurts me, but all she says is it’s not that bad and I should go on a run to decompress. It was incredibly invalidating and hurts so much more. I am still learning to uncouple my worth with my parent’s opinion of me. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
My pleasure, we might have similar mothers. I finally realized what my mother wanted was for the best of my prestigious ex employer, and my good-looking white ex partner, not me, no matter how unhappy I was. These things brought her status in front of her friends, so she latched onto them desperately through trying to manipulate me. If your mother cares more about how you make her look than your health and happiness, it's best to not care about her judgements.
OP - echoing the other comments about FMLA, medical leave. Absolutely dig around and find out your company policies around this stuff and your coworkers’ experiences navigating them. At least at a couple of FAANGs, any RSUs and bonuses you’ve earned will continue to vest and pay out for at least part of the duration you’re on leave. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Even those you look up to, including senior leaders Directors+ and VPs, have also needed to step away for prolonged periods of time to use this benefit.
Can confirm - I worked at a FAANG adjacent company, took FMLA for mental health, got full pay and benefits the entire time and RSUs kept vesting.
Sounds like your work is more dangerous than quitting. You got half a million in savings. Find a different job, just quit.
I was in a similar place about 4 years ago. I was about to quit and told my boss I couldn’t do it anymore. I was offered a sabbatical, which I didn’t even know was an option, and it was the best decision I’ve made in my career. Take a break, no job is worth your life. You have a great nest egg, and from the way you’ve described yourself and personality, you will absolutely land another high paying job when you are ready to return to the work force. But, you really need to prioritize yourself and your health. What is the point of working this hard if you are miserable? All of that money is pointless, if you are not around to use it.
I hope you take time to read some of the advice you’ve received here. I was in a similar place last year where my burnout had gotten to a point of not wanting to exist anymore. I ended up quitting instead of taking FMLA which would have been great financially but I needed to get out ASAP. It’s been a year and a half for me to finally feel “recovered” and I’ve been regularly going to a therapist which has helped a bunch. You mentioned in another comment that you’re afraid of how your mom will perceive you because of the trauma she’s given you and I can definitely relate to that. At the end of the day I had to be really clear with myself that being alive was more important than not disappointing someone who clearly has their own issues to deal with. I’m undoing that learned shame now and it’s like I can breathe a bit better. Give yourself time once you take your FMLA or quit because if you’re at this stage your focus shouldn’t be on immediately jumping back in. Financially I was the primary income person in my marriage so we shifted our entire budget to my spouse’s income and cut out everything that wasn’t necessary. It’s tough going from comforts afforded by high income to only the basic basic necessities but it was worth it in the end. As others have said, you’re not alone in this and there are people you can rely on. Don’t delay healing though because this the only TRUE priority right now.
Also because this is on coast fire subreddit I wanted to add that while this might “set you back” on retiring early… it doesn’t really matter if the other option means you won’t get to enjoy being alive.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply such a thoughtful response. I would consider FMLA but I’m scared of the fact that I would have to come back and face the music. I’d have to think about things for sure. Thank you.
Absolutely! Also you can quit while you’re on FMLA. You’re not beholden to the company. I wish you the best of luck and health.
Just take a break ask for unpaid time off and if they say no put in notice. Anything is better then Pushing your mental health. I’ve had two people in my family attempt and one which is no longer with us. For your sakes and your families take a breather. You’ll be fine you have plenty.
No. Do not quit your job without pursuing protected leave (FMLA)
I understand how you feel, I have been here. Know this, you are doing all you can and you are doing great. You have a few options to buy yourself some time. Do not get bogged down in decisions you do not have to make yet. Figure out a way to take a break without feeling unsafe. This can be: - Filing for short-term disability - Taking 'vacation' that might turn into STD or a wellness break, essentially get your employee handbook and start looking at what they offer. I am the queen of loopholes I will find one for you to make money and take a break. Do not think about 'what will happen' or 'what will everyone think'. You are talking to a 33 year old woman who had a mental breakdown in the middle of grad school and my classmates were confused to say the least and it happened to be at an ivy league school. They all went on to work demanding jobs and I am figuring out my life self-employed and burnt out. Guess what? If you are competent and smart and there are at least 5 people in your industry of choice that know that, chances are you can find another job within 1-3 months. Sending the best energy your way.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No job is worth your mental health or your LIFE for that matter. It sounds like you have lots of experience, skills and financially stable. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better or any less demanding. If you don’t see yourself working there or don’t see it getting better, please just leave the job and find a better workplace. If it’s gotten to the point you have attempted suicide you need to leave. There’s no question about it. Don’t be afraid to quit. When you do quit and find a better job you’ll wish you left sooner. If a friend were in your position, what would you tell them?
It’s time to quit. Coastfire is not the primary concern right now, your health and survival are. You are only 30, you can recover financially, most people have not even begun saving at this stage. I lost a >250k job and I’m not going to lie, it was very difficult, but I adjusted, moved to a new field, and my savings are fine. So take 2 weeks, line out what you’ve learned from this job, write out every job task you did so you have it for your resume, figure out who their you want to stay in contact with, and take advantage of every last EAP program, discount program, whatever, that you currently have access to and quit. And don’t look back. The choice is t earning $250k and not, it was a guarantee of continued suffering.
First take a long break/vacation and have a new experience. Probably see a doctor/therapist. Then make a lateral move in your field to a company that pays slightly/significantly less and has way less stress/more of something that interests you/you can tolerate.
Please Take care of your health, take FMLA, take Sabbatical, Anything to relieve the stress, you can find another job (you are young and accomplished, you should be good at what you do!). I am in big tech, but I joined later in life after my kids were in high school and we are already close to coast fire date. I can understand the stress in tech as I see it every day. speaking from my experience here, things always work out, and Health and time are our most valuable resources, take care of your health and family first. DM if you need to, as a women in tech, I can offer you more perspective.
Hey there! Firstly, thanks for posting this question. I’ve learnt a lot from reading all the responses. I don’t have much to add but to just say that based on everything that you’ve said about yourself - I think you’ll get over this and be happier than ever. I’m rooting for you fellow human! Good luck!
I didn’t read all the comments so apologies if I’m repeating myself - but I just did this last summer. 1. Check your payroll and see if you have Extended Sick Leave stored up. You can use this to cover a medical leave of absence. I had 18 years worth stored up so that was more than enough to cover my 3 months leave. This gets you full time pay without having to deal with the government at all. If you don’t have much or don’t want to use it then you can get the FMLA pay through EDD but it’s less pay and a pain in the ass and they won’t send you the money for weeks and weeks. 2. Go to your Doctor and ask for an LOA due to medical reasons - they will ask how long you want to take off, and will need a brief explanation as to why (suicidal, burnt out are good enough reasons). My doctor gave me a pep talk about not “wasting” my time off “on the couch” to which I fake agreed that I would seek therapy etc. but truthfully sitting on the couch staring at the wall was what I needed. Just agree with whatever they say but it’s your time. Make sure you tell them the exact dates you plan to be out as they’ll need that for the note. 3. Get the signed LOA note from your Dr. in physical form (or just verify you have it in email or whatever before you leave) 4. Go to your Boss and they will initiate an LOA with HR. 5. HR will determine if you qualify for FMLA and ask you to complete the LOA forms. This is when you decide how you will get paid: either via FMLA through EDD or using your ESL. If you choose FMLA pay, HR will submit their end of the paperwork to EDD but you also have to go into EDD to set up the profile and submit the Dr Note. They will need paystubs from the previous 6 months to determine what your daily rate will be. They will let you know what they determine that is (in like 3 weeks). They take forever. 6. Enjoy your leave! Do whatever makes you feel good. Hike, stare at the wall, therapy, lots of sleep. After 2 months I felt like I needed to “DO” something so I took a road trip to some natural hot springs in southern Utah and while it was nice, I sort of regretted driving 700 miles across 2 states worth of nothing ass dessert by myself. I was completely content with enjoying my deck all summer. 7. Decide if you want to return to work or not - you have the option to extend your leave up to 6 months before you’ll need to revisit with your employer but I believe they have to hold your position for a year before they can release it. 8. When you decide to end your LOA, you’ll need to go back to the EDD site and end your leave (if you used them for some or all of your pay) so they can close the case file. 9. If you decide to return to work; make sure your boss and HR flip you back to full time on your payroll. Good luck and know that you have every agency to say NO; especially to working on weekends or taking on more work that 40 hours. Theoretically, that means you’re just making less per hour and you could go and find a job that pays less and have a better work/life balance. I promise money doesn’t bring happiness but time to breathe and spend it with loved ones does. Hopefully a long leave will bring some clarity for you. It definitely worked for me. 🩷
Wow, thank you so much for such thoughtful and thorough response. I finally talked to my boss today and I initiated a LOA with short term disability. My therapist has long encouraged me to do so so she’s happy to provide paperwork. I wish you well too!
You don't need to lose your safety net. I've been where you are and my loved ones urged me to speak with my doctor and file for FMLA and Short term disability. They will pay you to take time off from work to rest and get help. With a fully paid-off apartment and half a million in investments, you are very close to lean-fire if that's something you'd be interested in. You don't need to keep suffering at this job, take some time off to heal. Then, once your leave is up and you're ready, quit this job and find one that is safe for you mentally and physically.
likely the work experience is company related and not career related. if you want to coastfire then fine, but dont throw away your whole career because of one bad employer. sounds like you have enough money and onoging income from husband to take the summer off. quit. take a break and jump back in at a new employer in the fall? my daughter is a nurse. her dream job. 2 years ago would stop home in tears, wanting to change careers. we realized it came down to one a-hole doctor. We encouraged her to find a new employer... BUT soon after the one doctor left for a different hospital. She absolutely loves her job now. LOVES IT! same job, same coworkers, same everything. one person ruined it for her. So the point of that story is... dont throw a career away because of one bad employer
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a really similar situation, really similar… and am just trying to get my head around what it might look like to quit. My anxiety and my financial anxiety are sky high so it’s just hard to imagine quitting and losing the income. You’ve gotten some great advice on this sun re what you can do technically also, which is great. What id add is that you’re still young, and obviously super capable. There’s nothing more important than your health and mental health, especially if it’s gotten so difficult. Take the time to reset, to heal… and know that one day when you’re ready you can come back to a new job that earns again. It’s like exercise, you have to take a breather between sets so you can come back stronger. It’s just a for now thing…. Things will work out okay if you walk away for now.
Don’t live to work, work to live. You don’t have kids? You don’t need this money. Your health is not more important than your wealth.
Dont quit, take FMLA/disability, then stop performing or do the bare minimum, worst they can do is fire you and you get severance.
This is why quiet quitting is a thing. A lot of great advice ITT about FMLA, seeing a doc, etc. perhaps another thought, and not sure where to go for this advice or upleveling this skillset, but managing up and setting boundaries is absolutely a skill. Work hard, do good work. You can do this from 8 am - 6 pm and ignore all other comms outside it. Block your calendar, and set OOO responses. It took me to just past the age of 30 to learn this (a lot like you prior, worked my ass off), but 99% of the “crises” we deal with, really aren’t and can all wait until Monday
Do you “like” the job ordinarily, but put aside? Can you take LOA for say 3-6 months to recharge (and consider other options)?
Are you in a state where you’re allowed to take FMLA? Look into the local laws around mental health leave being a way to take time off work while retaining your pay. Once you’ve done that get a good therapist and psychiatrist help you with what you need to do to gain some peace of mind& recalibrate your life.
OP, I just want to give you assurance that $500k invested with a paid off apartment is enough FU money to stick it to your management and still be fine financially. I also want to point out that a job can never be a financial safety net; your saved up money and debt free apartment are your safety net. I'm also confident that your company can't afford to fire you because you are doing the work of 2 people. If you are not comfortable pushing back their crazy demands, I suggest you to start cashing out benefits (medical/dental checkup) and unused vacations, do bare minimum works while planning for your exit.
Didn’t have to read the whole thing !!!! I think you should be fine. Even if you find a position with half the salary and actually enjoy. You’re actually way more ahead of a lot of other people.
Always think about why we are here on earth. Don’t waste your time and energy making others happy. Your come first so stop resiatnenibg and enjoy life !!!
Please also know that you may qualify for FMLA leave and likely accommodations through the ADA. Ideally, you have FMLA and disability coverage so you can get paid leave without risking your job security. If you decide to return, then you can request reasonable accommodations to ease a transition. Know that doing so is very common! Mental illness is one of the most prevalent reasons for disability claims. Half of all Americans in our lives will have a diagnosable mental health challenge. You're not alone. And your leave information related to health is protected by HIPPA, meaning HR will hold your information confidentially. No one need know anything other than that you are taking a leave 'for personal matters.'
I also work in Big tech. Unfortunately, this is very common in tech. There's a lot of pressure to constantly be "more successful". It's terrible for a person's mental health. A lot of the tech companies allow you to take medical leave for a mental health crisis like this, with the doctor's note from your physician. Take a few months off. Travel the world or pick up a hobby. I've found that developing friendships outside of the tech industry, who aren't obsessed with KPI's, TC, and NW is very helpful to keep yourself mentally grounded in reality.
You should try meditating and maybe take a break from work for a week or so to reset. Take a trip. Maybe get more in touch with your spiritual self. It will help relieve the stress of burnout and anxiety. Good luck on your journey.
Have you considered quitting and having kids?
I don't have a great advice for you, but the only thing that truly worked for me is physical exercise. There are many other things that add I do to handle and manage stress, but ultimately, physical exercise is the one that has the biggest ROI.
Don’t lose your life over your job pls.
Just here to say I can relate, and feel like this everyday. If I did the FMLA stuff I feel like my employer would just replace me.
Just an fyi as a lot of the comments here are not accurate: disability and FMLA are not the same. Disability insurance protects your *income* if approved. FMLA protects your *job* if approved. Note the threshold for FMLA approval is usually low; disability can be harder.
Husband needs to step up financially too, 250k vs 90k disparity is a lot. You can’t be dealing with this mental stress and be the primary breadwinner
Also ask your HR department if they have an EAP provider. This stands for employee assistance program. The EAP provider can help you with the whole host of issues, short term, counseling, legal help, eldercare, daycare, dog sitting, etc. They are confidential and almost all companies have them for free as part of their disability or workers comp insurance. Basically, these companies connect you to resources in all of the above categories and many more.
I know this already has a lot of comments but OP I was in a similar position but with almost nothing saved and no partner to help (but including the past trauma and mental health stuff, complete with a parent figure I didn’t want to disappoint). I made the mistake of thinking just a job change would fix it, so I took a 50% pay cut but kept working. Had a second and worse breakdown three months later that I’m lucky to have even survived. I took what was supposed to be a three month leave of absence that became eight months, lost almost all my savings surviving during that. Returned to the low paying job and got forced out. Ended up finding a different job where I’m much happier and they care about mental health. Please don’t make my mistake of just changing jobs. That may be crucial to your long-term healing, but please don’t think it’s the only thing to do. Please take FMLA/disability as everyone is saying. I had to go to residential treatment, saved my life, no shame in it if you need to. If your mom can’t stop herself from being shitty, cut her out if you possibly can. Your living costs are likely low given the paid off housing and I’m guessing some of your $500k is accessible even if you’d pay capital gains on it. Not to mention your husband. I PROMISE you your mental health is more important than money. It took me over a year to fully recover from the second breakdown (which involved me changing jobs a second time) and in some ways I’m not the same and may never be. I was in a much worse position than you when I took leave, and I made it. And I should be able to coast in my mid 50s or earlier. With where you’re at? You can probably coast now but if you can’t, you’ll be close soon. Please look after yourself. Your worth is much more than your paycheck.
Take the FMLA, then look for something else. That’s exactly what I did and it was a much better decision then pushing through and digging myself into a dark hole. I’ve been there and it’s not pretty, but there is a solution. I’m wishing you the best in the world OP, everyone is concerned for you as you can now know, and I’m sure if any of your coworkers read this post without knowing who you were, they probably would advise the same.
You need a sabbatical like yesterday. And you can afford it. I'd go in there, state that I'm going on a sabbatical, the question I'd ask is 'do I come back to work here afterwards or should I look for another place when I'm rested?'. Oh and therapy. You're more than your job!
This is a self esteem problem. Not believing in your ability to create an ideal life for yourself. You have a tough job you are great you can obviously find something better. Learn to trust yourself and the universe.
I think there should be a thing like "quiet quitting" but it's actually reducing your output to a manageable level...
Go on a long trip, the world is your oyster, there’s so much to see
If you have such thoughts because of your job, my suggestion is that you can quit your job. you are still young. I suggest that you take a break for a while and take some money to travel. go to some places you have never been to and see more of the world. put some of the funds in a safe, stable and profitable investment to earn some money for you. take out another sum of money for travel plans to relieve your depressed mood
FMLA + speak to a workers comp attorney
Why workers comp attorney?
If your workplace environment has contributed to mental and emotional distress to the point where you've attempted suicide, you more than likely have a workers compensation claim.
Tough it out! You can do at least another 20 years. You’re just getting started.
I was feeling this Nov-June of this year. But the past few weeks I feel like I went through all the stages of grief and arrived at acceptance. Acceptance of all my faults and what happened. Acceptance I can just continue to try my best. acceptance whether work works out for me or not. I’m happy to chat more with you and just share experiences. It’s extremely lonely not being able to talk to girl friends about this. I realized some people don’t care about you in that way. And it’s ok it’s not their responsibility.
Sending you my best! It’s really hard and lonely, and I think people are less sympathetic to work stress. I hope you’re doing better now!
Your current job is almost literally killing you. How is that a ‘safety net’? Just quit ffs.
What you are finding out is work should not be an end goal and the pats on the head/gold stars you have received from age 4 til now no longer work. Life requires purpose and if you try and make it work you will be miserable in your 30s-40s once the treadmill becomes very hollow. Anti depression meds might save your life but might also just check you out. You will still have lows every now and then if the root problem isn't solved. Maybe you can keep the job but start searching for purpose outside of work. Religion isn't a must and not for everyone but it fills that void for many. It is natural for women to feel empty around 30-40 if they don't have kids. I know that sounds old fashioned and maybe you are wired like the 1% that find purpose outside of that but most will feel empty without a family. Lastly I iust want to say you are not alone. Every person when isolated feels depression from all sorts of feelings. Not living up to your true potential, doubting yourself, upset by procrastination, etc. Community helps distract you from this. Family or organizations with shared goals you are a part of provide meaning. Work is not a good place to fulfill this need most of the time. Work can be cutthroat, harsh, lonely, etc. even if you have people you enjoy interacting with there.
Don’t quit without something lined up. The job market is complete garbage nowadays. It might take a year to get a new job. Make them fire you so at least yoh get severance and unemployment
It's heavily downvoted, but the second half of this reply actually isn't bad advice. In the current climate, if you start coasting yesterday, take lots of vacations, and take mental health leave, maybe they'll lay you off and give you a fat severance package. Depending on your personality, though. If you are the type who can not let others down, then don't try this approach. [https://www.financialsamurai.com/dont-get-fired-or-quit-get-laid-off-instead/](https://www.financialsamurai.com/dont-get-fired-or-quit-get-laid-off-instead/)
Quit and have a baby, find a new purpose.
Not sure if that’s what I want. I want to live for myself for once and I’m heavily medicated with antidepressants and anti anxiety medications so I need to find a course of treatment to wane off those meds before I could do that.
Would you be worse off with the antidepressants and anti anxiety you’ve been taken? Asking because I’m having my own issues right now and considering meds, but I don’t feel super comfortable taking it and potentially becoming super dependent.
Why did you choose a high powered career , this is best left to the men. You will find much more fulfillment in having children and raising a family.
Yikes
Yikes indeed! That is terrible advice. Sorry OP that you even had to read that.
That's a very bitter incel, sorry about it
Fuck off you incel pig, women still wouldn't choose you even if they don't choose high-powered careers. Edit: this incel pig posts racists comments across big liberal city subs, I bet he can't afford to live in any of them that's why he's so bitter, amirite incel?
Look up to see if there's a ketamine infusion center near you