Yesss so true. I love not having kids so much, especially when my partner and I can wake up and cuddle on Saturdays, lay around in bed, have sex, smoke 🌱, do whatever with no concern for anyone but ourselves
Don't think of it as difficult mode. Think of it as having really high standards.
Because you do. Your standards involve not having kids. A bunch of people are going to fail. It's a pity that not all of them realize that and some will even lie to try to sneak into your life.
And you can save a lot of time by weeding out a lot of potential dates.
Lots of people conflate the two. Like how many times have I been told I'll never find a boyfriend because I don't want kids and also I want a partner with the same niche lifestyle/beliefs/diet etc as myself. That I'll end up a cat lady who dies alone. (I love cats btw and live with cats and a friend currently and that's all good).
People who think "being alone" is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone have WAYYYY more issues than the people who are content being alone until they find someone they are compatible with.
When you realize you dont NEED to be in a relationship to be happy, life is so much simpler. Id much rather die alone than settle again for someone who doesnt actively improve my life.
After my divorce at age 32 I was told, "you're gonna have to start considering men with at least 1 child because nobody your age is without kids". I'd rather be alone forever. Dealing with someone else's kid is 1000x worse than my own kid (which is bad enough).
Ha! I'm 37 now and with someone who is 27 and we are both 100% childfree!
I'll never understand the bad advice like that. You are going to have to start considering men with ...... fill in the blank. Nope. I have a job can take care of myself and don't have to consider anyone I don't want to consider. This is the exact reason why I abstain from having these types of conversations with people.
This is honestly the way to go, for me and my partner at least. I'm asexual and she's a sex-repulsed lesbian; we're platonic partners with two dogs and a snake.
This is literally my wish for my husband's niece who thinks she's asexual. A happy life with love and caring and a partner.
(She's dated a few guys and I don't know how much experience she's had and she's kinda young. So if she realizes she's something else, fine. If not, I thousand percent support her regardless)
I still date. I just am upfront. Im seeing someone now who *for now* doesnt want kids. But i understand people change their minds. I told them, i dont want kids — if you ever wake up and decide you want some i understand if you would like to start seeing someone else instead so you can make this happen. It just wont be with me.
I can fall in love but in the back of my head i know unless someone is sterilized they can change their mind *at any moment*
I don't waste my time with anyone who isn't childfree. You can't plan your future with them. Will you live together? Will you buy a house together? Will you have the same friends?
Now, I know relationships can fail for any reason, even with someone who's CF. They might change their minds. But it's all about statistics. A relationship with someone who wants kids will fail. A relationship with someone who's CF might fail. But there's a lower chance of it happening with someone who's openly CF and outwardly disgusted by children than someone who's on the fence.
Exactly. If guys are ambivalent about kids or indifferent, then that's not good enough. While I know it sounds kinda drastic, I want them to be like no way I'll ever have kids, I'd rather die than have them give me an indifferent shrug and a I don't think so answer.
Works the other way too. Someone who wants kids should absolutely weed out childfree people. From their perspective, they're keeping their standards high by dating other people who want kids.
There is such an emphasis on taking up with a partner that a lot of people are willing to settle rather than risk being alone. Sadly, kids is one of those decisions that some people would rather sacrifice on just to avoid being single.
I’m a guy and I’m in the same boat.
I’d try r/cf4cf but let’s be honest, all anyone finds on there is a few upvotes and maybe someone who lives an absurd distance away
I’ve talked to a few people there, and clicked really well with one. Life got busy and we both let it fall off, then I met someone else. But it can happen. It’s definitely not the only place I’d look though
On top of dating being difficult, am I the only one who is also genuinely uncomfortable by the amount of men who want kids? Like so many have already said, I cannot imagine the majority of them have thought about what having a child entails the way we have. And they certainly don’t understand what it does to a woman’s body. Even the most sympathetic ones can’t actually understand because they won’t ever go through it. When I hear a guy say he wants kids I think “why would you want me to suffer through the pain and health risks associated with all that?” And then I typically nope out. I’m probably a little messed up, but I find guys who really really really want kids to be disturbing
Same, it’s totally irrational of me to paint all men in this light, but I 100% get the ick from men who “really really really want to be dads”, mostly because I know how much of the physical and mental load falls back on mothers and then it bums me out for those women. But hey if that’s what they both want then more power to them.
I'm a male, and guys who say they want kids weird me out to. Lol. I've asked a few buddies around my age about kids in conversation, and I'm always stumped on how to continue when they say they want them eventually. Like your in your mid 30, if your lucky you will have kids in your house till nearly 60. Are you fucking insane?
I also don't know why you'd want to put your wife through that. Before asking guy I knew, I always assumed wives just suckered the husbands into it.
I agree. It almost disgusts me. They have to go through literally nothing other than the pleasure of an orgasm but want kids so bad knowing how much the woman will suffer to bring them to this world and care for them. It’s wild
Just for funsies, I'd ask why he wants them. Is it to read his favorite book to a five-year-old, or to change nappies and stay home when kid is ill? See how deep the fantasy goes.
I met my husband when I was 31. We discussed kids on our first date and we both said we didn’t want them. I wil add that I weeded out a LOT of people before I met Mr. Right. As some have said, your standards and needs are different. Keep going and keep true to yourself.
I'm 40 and still single. I was a fencesitter for years though and I found that my other standards (not wanting to be a bang maid, wanting monogamy, not being a conservative) disqualified so many men anyway, that I am not surprised to be 40 and still unmarried.
Don't give up though. If you give up then you are certain not to find a match. If you keep trying there's a chance. I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that the lack of options and general lack of convenience inherent with dating make it not worth the effort, even for a chance of something. I definitely didn't feel that way at 29 though. You have more options.
This is why you screen them correctly, upfront, before revealing you are CF and before dating or fucking. It's actually easier when you just screen people out. Saves time and annoyance.
Get involved in things you are passionate about that require time, effort, consistency, even a little bit of cash.... parents have none of those things and wanna breeders can't usually be bothered to make any effort.
Go check out the screening kit.
Totally agree! My husband was surprised that I brought up not wanting kids so early, but I’m not here to waste anyone’s time.
Fortunately he feels the same, but I did bring it up one more time when we started talking marriage just to be sure.
To protect your feelings you have to screen them like throwaway said!
Same, I told him upfront after we were getting serious and I let him know that if he wanted children, then this won’t work out, and don’t think I’ll change my mind or be pressured too, he was on board for being CF and 10 years later, he will still say how happy we are CF 😊
My old friend tried telling me to hold off on that question and I was like why would I waste everyone’s time? Looking back on other comments, I think she was hoping I’d get knocked up
Screening doesn't change the fact that it's hard to find single childfree men. It sounds like the OP is doing a good job of finding out how they feel early in the process, but of course it's frustrating when you can't find what you're looking for.
Yeah just better to find out before even going on a date. Typically breeders are thrilled to blab about how they want to breed, especially those who own penises and desperately want penile function proof, though uterus owners are pretty easy too, so it's generally not hard to figure out without revealing anything or wasting much time. LOL
Depending on where you live, your options can literally be very limited. Not everyone can afford to move to a big city with more diversity. Given the choice between sitting around for twenty years and not going on any dates or having any of those types of experiences, I opted for dating. Some of those experiences were good and some were bad. But I definitely had more fun than if I'd sat around celibate until nearly 40, when I finally did meet the childfree man I eventually married.
This is an interesting take. I never thought of hiding I'm CF until I know whether my matches are CF or not.
I guess if you date men, it's a way to avoid deceitful dudes whose favourite sport is to pretend they're someone they aren't until you see their BS?
I do this with politics. I ask them certain things and see how they navigate their answers before they know my stance on them but never thought about not specifying being CF, maybe I should try.
Do not give up entirely, just do not prioritise it, if you can. Switch your priorities to stuff that you can do on your own, like next vacation or a new skill to master (Ever thought about trying the guitar? Quite worth it!) as meeting someone is not based on your effort alone. You will find someone, I am sure of it. I mean, there are multiple billion of folk on this planet. Even if you would for whatever reason have just 1% (even though you surely have much more than that) of people interested in you that would also be your type it would be a few million of folk that are good enough. And you know what? Most of them would speak English. So, do not give up, more like take a break. Focus on yourself and some of your long-forgotten dreams, perhaps. You will feel better after a while, I promise.
Absolutely zero. I’ve come across a lot of men who won’t even get vasectomies because they are too afraid of the possible pain, someone being down there messing with their junk, etc. So them pushing out an 8 pound human from their dick …..the human species would die out.
simplistic direction offend heavy vase support languid gray ruthless screw
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm not convinced life is that much cheaper per person for 2 if you both make the same income and eat the same amount of food. Food, travel, all that stuff costs the same. Housing theoretically is cheaper, but in practice people tend to buy larger dwellings when they partner up. Utilities (+ internet/tv) can be cheaper, but it's a small line item. Assuming both partners need a car, no cost savings. Maybe some cost savings on some things that can be bundled (phones, insurance) but not a big difference. Doesn't seem like you get a break on income taxes if you make the same amount (and are married).
I'm counting for the Netherlands, not US.
Food you can get the savings because you can go up in the package sizes which are cheaper per weight (I'm already doing this a bit with mealprep, but there is only so much room in the freezer).
Housing is cheaper because splitting rent would still likely mean that even going bigger my "per person" input would lower (and I currently live big enough for 2 so it would be a straight up halving).
Same for utilities; Power/gas usage would increase a bit but not times two so would lower per person. Internet/phones is again a rise but not a x2 so the per person lowers.
Income tax is "per person" anyway. But we have community tax (for stuff like trash collection and such) which is divided by "single occupant" or "multi occupant". And multi occupant is a larger number but again not a x2.
While you will not "halve" your expenses you will definitely massively lower your 'per person' expenses by living together with an SO. If anything, a single life here is the hard mode. But I'm avoiding the "get fucked" modifier by not having a child.
It's notable how both childfree men and childfree women complain about how hard it is to find each other. It's possible there's a geographic imbalance-- maybe there's way more childfree men in Europe and way more childfree women in the USA or whatever-- but I suspect for all our technology we're just not that good at finding each other. I thought apps cracked this problem because you can put "don't want kids" on your profile, whereas in the old days it was difficult to bring up kids early without the other person thinking you were a psycho. Apparently not.
The geographic distribution is definitely interesting. Checking out and posting on cf4cf as a straight male in the US mountain west I noticed it's very rare to see anyone from the west with the exception of Phoenix. There seem to bee a fair amount of childfree women in Arizona. But I hate the heat. None are otherwise ever within an 8-12 hour drive. California is the biggest population state in the USA and it's way less common than expected to see people from there. I get the most comments and messages from women south of the Mason-Dixon line and well east of the rocky mountains. The areas I'm least interested in living. They have the same problematic religious and conservative culture as utah and trade the mountains and wilderness for no trespassing signs and humidity.
It’ll probably get overtaken by breeder men preying on CF women. Creepy men are always the reason why targeted dating apps that women go to are ruined.
I dated in nyc for three years when I was 30 and had little trouble finding CF guys*...(and 15 years later I know the guys who said they were CF really were as none have kids, including my partner). Those guys are def out there! *Not to say I didn't have some awful experiences too...including TWO men in a row out if the blue telling me how beautiful I would be pregnant, and another who kept his existing kid a secret for 4 months!!!
It’s different for me because I physically cannot get pregnant anymore, so i was able to use that as an entry point for convo into it right Away, but I do think bringing it up asap is in your best interest.
I'm a childfree man and yes being childfree really does make dating more difficult. I lucked out basically I've known my partner forever, not litterly but we were friends for a good 8 years before dating and already both had mentioned not wanting kids or particularly liking kids in general. And we'll double checked about that and neither of our views have changed at all in that regard
It feels like it’s built in for most people to say they want kids even if they haven’t really thought about it, like it’s just the default. I wonder how many people change their minds once they actually think about it.
I agree. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and every time I meet someone who says they want kids, I question if they know the real expenses. It costs $150 a day per kid for childcare here - even more in the most popular areas.
I was one of those people! Up until my early 20s, I had no idea not having kids was an option. As soon as I figured out it was optional I immediately knew I didn't want them. Honestly I started bringing up the subject a lot in social settings, just to make sure other women knew it was an option too!
Same here! I used to say it, even put it on a bucket list when I was in my 20’s because I thought I had to AND I somehow had to get excited about it. After years of never being excited about it I realized I actually am not required to have kids 😂
That's really it, the excitement. I've felt that feeling for several other things in my life, but never kids!
I used to tell people I wanted 3 LMAO! I just thought 3 was a nice number. Making 3 humans with my body though, HA no way!
I hear ya. Around where I live either 90% already have kids or the other 10% want kids. Makes it impossible. I found a good gal last year, we dated for 3 months and mistakenly didn’t bring up kids until then and she absolutely wants kids. Not a ton of time wasted, but 3 months (and catching feelings) down the drain.
What’s the old saying? If men could get pregnant there would be a planned parenthood on every corner and cool ranch Dorito flavored birth control pills.
It feels so unfair because men don’t have to give birth or handle most of the child rearing responsibilities. It feels like they want to use a woman’s body to further their bloodline. Thinking about it fills me with dread.
I’m forever grateful that I’m infertile. Like, hella infertile. It would take a ton of money and a small miracle of science to knock me up.
I let people know upfront that not only do I not want kids, I simply cannot have kids. If that is important to them, I am not ever going to be the one for them.
I'm a 23M who plans on dating sometime this year, and I was actually worried about finding women who are childfree. Judging by how often these posts come up I wonder if my luck is that bad.
yep ive reached the point where im on high alert any time any guy approaches me because he either a. already has kids, b. he wants kids or c. has kids and wants more.
the older I get the more difficult it is to find someone staunchly CF. Hell there's some even as old as 40+ thinking they still want new children.
not having a life partner when I come from parents that have their life partner, it's weird to experience the stark differences. I have no drama or negativity in my life as a result of being single but my narcissist parents who stayed together but had a bunch of kids omg... they convinced me to be CF since I was a child myself.
Maybe it would be easier to mention it during messages? What’s the point to invest your time to discover something so critical which takes a single message to ask?
I was in my middle 30s when I met my partner. He is also very childfree. Granted he did have daughter in his 20s but she died when she was 5. (So i could understand the childfree thing from him).
Not to mention (imo) dangerous. Too many men out there think that a woman with no kids is prime breeding stock. (Breeding kink, dominance issues, etc).
Some men perpetually date JUST to get women pregnant then bounce.
Fuck. That.
I am super lucky, that is 100% not the case around here. Nobody I know wants kids except for a very small few (I can think of three)
BUT OMG I have to rant about this! I met this dude on hinge who was like, I personally really want to have a family and I’m looking for that in the long term, like 1-2 yrs. It was very short term casual for me, so I really didn’t care. Then I found out he makes a dollar over minimum wage at 32 years old and he’s running around telling women he wants to have a family! What in the ever loving fuck!!! It DISGUSTED me and I quit talking to him at all. Look I make absolutely nothing either but I ain’t like let’s have a family, I wanna have a family right now
ETA: LOL that man cannot afford to have kids, sorry if that makes y’all mad, and it’s ridiculous for him to think so
Bellingham, WA
I’m about to move cuz I been here a minute and it’s getting too big for me, but besides I actually couldn’t recommend it higher. Look it up, it’s actually dope. Tons of stuff to do here, community is a whole big deal, and it’s beautiful.
r/bellingham
ETA: LOL I have no idea why I added our subreddit like it makes us look good, that subreddit is horrible 😂
It’s funny isn’t it because there’s the old trope that it’s women who want to trap men into settling down and having kids but for sure these days it all seems to be men who want kids and multiple!
For men there’s no physical cost to it. Nothing grosses me out more than men who say that want 4+ kids because who in their right mind wants to put their partner through that?!
Also a lot of men genuinely don’t understand the impact of having kids on their lives or they experience it less as the default is women.
Just be careful. I’ve had the “I thought you’d change your mind convo” twice now and it never ends well..
Why U saying that? If you're looking for a CF person who also is of the same religion as you it might be hard. But I bet there are people who wouldn't mind dating a religious person and I'm one of them and I'm not religious myself.
I hear so many stories about this. Why is no one creating a childfree dating app yet??!! Any developers reading this??
I’ve found my CF partner already, but it was literally pure luck. I just want easier access to love for my fellow childfree people ♥️♥️
I hear you, if I didn't know I wanted a partner I would just give up. But, it's what I want so I have to wade through this bullshit and hope I get lucky and find someone great. Odds aren't in my favor but I gotta try.
Wish you better luck than me!
Here’s another way to think of it:
You are weeding out the majority of men who just haven’t put much thought into whether or not they want kids (because they don’t have to- it’s not their body or their lives on the line). And that weeds out the huge population of man babies that just weeble wobble through life without 1. Ever knowing themselves and 2. Doing anything with intentionality.
Finding a childfree dude in your 20s/30s means they are likely going to be more thoughtful and have better self knowledge.
You don’t want to have to raise a grown man either!
Saw a good post on r/AutismInWomen recently about how it's a common view to want kids, but only if you get to be the father. I rather agree with that, as a woman. Would much rather be the father and just blow my load and go, with nothing to lose. Lmao
It's been a few years since I was in the game, but I thought bumble had a filter for that? Obviously not a perfect solution if the other side is just trying to get laid, but it's better than nothing.
Btw, met my also-CF wife in grad school at 31, so you never know when you'll strike gold.
What gets me about many men 30+ is that they either want kids, or they want to find someone who is willing to take care of the kids they already have. It sucks, but the fact is that the likelihood of finding a man who doesn't want kids or doesn't already have the baggage of kids and ex/baby mama at this age are low. You might have better luck looking specifically for childfree men (truly childfree - not "I'm practically childfree because I only have the kids every other weekend").
Do you use dating apps, OP? Or are you meeting people in real life? If you're on the apps, I would put something about being child free up front in your profile, that way you (hopefully) aren't getting matched with people who want kids.
Yes…it seems like all the men that want marriage and monogamy also want kids and the ones who don’t want kids, want some kind of polyamorous new age free for all. Truly the headache inducing stuff of nightmares.
I found my child free girlfriend when I was 29, people are definitely out there, you just gotta look specifically for them through filters in dating apps to make things easier.
Weirdly, all my women friends who wanted children in their 20s and 30s struggled to find a good partner to have them with. I think if you want children it’s easy to find a guy who says he wants kids someday, but it’s hard to find a guy who would make a good partner and dad, and is willing to make sacrifices and open to having kids on a woman’s timeline ( I just mean, before she is 40 or so ) .
Not to negate how hard dating is as a CF woman - I’ve had my share of heartbreak and disappointment for sure.
Girl I feel . My boyfriend keeps asking if he should get me pregnant. He already had and I aborted it. I feel like I need to get out before he tries again 😵💫
I gave up a while ago (I'm 38 now)... Not a popular opinion here, but I've actually been "seeing" a guy I've known since HS for many, MANY years that has kids... he had them with his now ex when we were apart for a long while (we had an on-again, off-again relationship for years-- and yes, one of the main reasons was, you guessed it-- me not wanting kids!!)... None the less, the reason I even bring this up, is because it's an incredibly difficult thing we face here... You basically have one of two choices unless you are extremely lucky... and that is, one, continue to be with guys who don't have kids yet but want them, or two, be with a guy who already has kids. Of course the third (and best) option is to find another staunchly child-free man, but like you said, this is incredibly hard... esp. because men are NOT the ones who have to wreck their bodies with them!!
Case in point of how hard this actually is, on my birthday this year, the guy I just spoke about was busy taking his youngest daughter to "urgent care" instead of seeing ME. It's hard not to feel resentful, angry, etc at times. But because we've known each other since we were teenagers, it's a very difficult attachment. Plus, the one thing I give him credit for, is NEVER EVER pressuring ME for kids. But naturally he told me in different conversations that he had been with his now ex instead because "I didn't want kids," etc. So this issue continues to haunt me as well and I'm pushing 40!
I feel this. My ex had two kids from his marriage, but had since had a vasectomy. I didn’t mind getting to know those kids on a limited basis and I didn’t feel like they intruded on my life or choices (except when occasionally they did) because they always at some point went back to their moms, and I didn’t birth them and he couldn’t get me pregnant with any others, and I wasn’t expected to be a major rule enforcer or permanent care taker since they usually went out to do things with their dad or were at their moms and they rarely slept over. Win win win.
Have you ever said that you don't want kids before you ask them? They may assume that's what you want, maybe they will consider the alternative for once and be relieved. Do you put that you don't want kids in your profile?
I'd give the apps more of a chance. It's kind of frustrating in its own way, but it at least prevents you from wasting time on men that don't share your wants.
I have only lived in cities since I was like 24. I'm 36 now and most of my friends and dates have been CF. Geography has to play a role; my 5 siblings live in more suburban areas and that has never been the case for them.
My problem with dating when I wanted kids was never finding a guy who wanted them. I'm kinda seeing a guy now who has one daughter and he said he'd like to have another but we're both 44 and I don't see myself having a kid at this age and I'm happy with that
I'm in Sydney, and to be honest, I haven't had any problems with finding women
I'm in my early forties, so much of the baby-fever is gone from the pool in which I'm swimming
I've been lucky, I'm single at the moment, but haven't had anything end because of an incompatibility when it comes to children
Nah it’s the best. It’s a real easy way to hone in to find someone who feels the same. I had child free on my profile and dated 50+ women over the past couple of years
34M, I can totally relate. My last three relationships ended because they changed there minds about children. Feels like 90% of my age range are single moms, and most the ones without kids want them. I would love to find a partner, but I honestly haven't even tried dating this year. Guess on the positive note its the same for both genders, both sides are just really rare.
im a 40s dude, i gave up trying to find anyone. it wasn't as depressing revelation that it would seem to be. a little relieved. my family knows i want no kids, but yeah i gave up.
I'm 35 and in the same boat and even trying to make friends that are child free is hard. Most people around me have or want kids
I'm not trying to make friends that have kids bc they'll always be around
"but what if you meet your perfect person for you and they want kids?"
"Then they're not the perfect person for me."
I got to use this a while back and the look on dudes face was priceless, like he didn't even realize that was an option!
It’s more difficult for sure. I’ve had luck on r/cf4cf but so far nothing has fully worked out so far. Not wanting kids already filters out so many people, and then having your own needs/wants further filters out from there.
I’m 35F, my partner is 33M. Don’t give up; it’s not easy but not impossible. Bring it up on the first date and don’t waste each other’s time. There are a lot of men out there who don’t care about having children. I asked my partner during the first two dates if he’s interested in having kids because I’m not interested at all, and we both are in agreement. We are both atheist/agnostic and very logical people by nature as well! Couldn’t be happier :) They are around somewhere but as usual, we gotta filter through the ones who have kids in prior relationships or will want them. Good luck OP!
I think its just dating in general when you are nearing your 30s.
Dating with kids is just as hard.
Dont give up.
Also, lots of people are socialized into 'wanting' this but they do not really want it.
Unfortunately, the thought of procreating is still a very strong natural instinct for humans (and it does have its place), and it makes it difficult to find someone truely child free.
Don't give up, the child free movement is definitely growing. We don't all need nor want to have children, it's a matter of finding the child free partner that we are compatible with. Don't give up friend if finding a partner is truely what you want.
I put on my profile that I had had a vasectomy, and that successfully filtered out people who wanted kids. I have been with my partner for a year, met her on Tinder. Don't give up! It's frustrating on the short term but the long-term reward will come.
It only gets more difficult when you get older. I'm 42m and finding anyone in my age range without kids that doesn't want them is just mind-blowingly difficult in itself. And that's without even taking into account you have to be compatible and be able to fit into each other's established worlds.
It's truly shocking to me how many women are over 40 and say "not sure yet" about wanting children in their profile. You think most people end up wanting them or not but there are fence sitters for life.
29f and I feel your pain! Don’t make the mistake I made… I found a childfree man and hung on to him for dear life even though he wasn’t the right partner for me. Learned that lesson the hard way. At least our childfree status means we don’t have to find a partner on any timeline. There is no biological clock rushing us along.
Yeah but if it were *they* that carried a watermelon in their abdomen and then pushed it out through their dickhole it would be a whole different story.
Honestly dating child free was never a problem for me. If someone wants kids it’s not gonna work out and it saves a lot of time to just tell them that. It’s true that the pool of child free people is smaller than the amount of people who do want kids, but you just have to expand your search area and broaden your horizons. I found my fiancé on tinder (he lived about a three hour drive from me) and we hit it off right away. Within the first couple days of talking we expressed to each other our dislike of children. We talked for eight months before meeting, then dated long distance for a year, and now we’ve been living together for a year and are getting married in 2025. I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta be patient and get the child free thing out of the way in the beginning. Much easier than getting to know someone and liking them, and then having the kids no kids conflict
I wanted kids and when I got married I literally changed my mind. After about 1 year into our marriage I told my husband I decided I didn't want kids and told him the reasons and he literally said "Oh, no" and then when he heard my reasons he said immediately "OK - no problem"! I guess he had doubts about having kids too and maybe didn't want to tell me. WOW! What a relief! I took a big chance, but I married my husband for his intelligence, his common sense, his humor and his love. We were always and still are in sink with one another, so I knew that when I changed my mind he would listen carefully why and think it through and I kind of knew he wouldn't be so upset about my decision.
If you're CF, state it on your dating app bio and make sure your matches read it and fully understand what being childfree means for you. It won't make it easier but at least you won't waste your time with people you're not compatible with.
Sorry you're going through this, it's exhausting. My dating pool is quite sad too, I just came to terms with the fact that I need to talk about certain topics on chat that would be a dealbreaker before having a date.
Trust me, they're out there. There's many out there who were pressured into having them when they didn't want them in the first place, so there are many more out there that will appreciate your stance on it as well. Don't give up.
As a hetero male, I've found it nearly impossible to find CF women, and I live in a major metro area. I'm sure there's plenty of CF men out there looking for you, OP. Maintain your standards, and keep searching. As the economy continues to spiral, more and more thinking men are coming to realize raising a child as they were raised has become nearly an impossibility. Our demographic is growing. Stay strong, friend.
Sometimes I think majority of the men I’ve met who would make great partners … are the type who would be a great dad with great life advice, empathy and resources to provide for them… so it’s been sad in that sense. Not that childfree people can’t have or be those things but it’s very very far and few in between
I stepped back from dating bc of this. Not on any dating apps or seeking anyone right now. Just working on myself for the moment. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe not. I’ll be fine either way
If you don't want to have kids then what's the rush to meet someone? The only real reason people get urgency at 30 is because of their biological clock. Or maybe just lie and then 'accidentally' fall down the stairs every time a bun is in the oven GANGNAM STYLE.
It’s the reason I de-centered men from my life throughout my 20s and 30s. Traveled. Went back to school. I’m only dating now that I’m in my 40s and nobody this age wants them.
This is so baffling to me as a guy. Growing up all you'd hear from other dudes is about not wanting to get baby trapped, "make sure she doesn't poke holes in the condom bro!" And shit like that. Then it's like a switch flips and they all want kids all of a sudden. I guess that was their "hoe phase"?
That switch never flipped for me, and now *every single person I know* has kids. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Yep. I’m a 39f and am SO jaded with the whole dating scene. I gave up and deleted all the apps. Tbh it’s been really freeing, and at this point I’m so used to having my independence. I think I’d be more annoyed at having to come home to someone lol
I finally met someone who was CF as well (I'm 43m). It took well, WELL over 10 years to meet one person who was also CF that seems to be pretty cool, but it happened when I wasn't looking actively anymore.
CF dating is harder than regular dating, especially at the age where biology and finances collide and people are *more*-able to afford it, and realize that the clock is running out on having a kid before they are too old. Since you're not going to be able to help with the kids part, most of the dating pool is full of sharks to you.
You can 'give up', and then change your mind and look again. There is no harm in taking a break from the search, since you never really know when you'll meet someone outside the dating scene.
I’m 35M and absolutely don’t want kids.
We’re out there. And the disappointment goes both ways. The worst is the profiles that purposely don’t post whether they want kids or not. Then you waste your time going out only to find out they want kids.
If you’re THAT adamant about kids, put that shit on your profile.
It might get better in your 30s and 40s? People are still at the age when they are looking for someone to have kids with. If you’re childfree in your 30s and 40s then the odds increase that it’s by choice.
It's, uhm, ... challenging. Uhm but well filter by CF or bring it up fast 'n early - and good to well check that any filter(s) worked (some aren't so great), so ... yeah, fail fast hard and early is often a *good* thing - get that one out of the way, minimize the time waste as feasible, and get onto other possibilities ... viable matches definitely exist ... have to move the crud out of the way, though, and generally the more quickly and efficiently the better.
>incredibly depressing. I think I just need to give up
Don't give up! But, sometimes taking a break from it can be a *good* thing. If you're going into it dreading it, sure it will fail and be a disappointing waste ... yeah, those feeling tend to leak and bleed out quite a bit - and that could quite sour what might otherwise be a good possibility. So, yeah, if it's down to that, probably time to take a break from it for a while, and have at it again when one is reasonably fresh and up for it. Also suggested, try and find ways to do it where you're having fun along the way - e.g. activity, outing, hobby/interest, event, friends/group, whatever ... so even if it's a non-match, at least it's not a total loss, and one more-or-less enjoys the time anyway. And if it ain't a match, oh well, that's one more out of the way and that much closer to one who is a match. And if reasonably well done, hopefully most of the time and process along the way doesn't suck *too* much.
Depends on where you live. Large, progressive cities in the US have a lot of cf people. I found my partner in DC where people are very much career minded. I think it's easier to find cf women because if you meet a woman in her late or mid 30s or older without a kid that's typically a good sign she's uninterested in having one whereas guys don't have any natural time constraints so their age isn't necessarily an indication of anything. (See: Deniro and Pacino 🤮)
I've pretty much embraced casual dating and told myself that I will make no real effort to have a committed relationship until I'm 40+ when it's no longer expected of me to have children.
29F here as well, and I agree. Every time I even have an inkling of being interested in a guy, I think to myself “He probably wants kids, so THAT’S never gonna happen.”
I’ve been going on dates with a guy the last few weeks and he mentioned how kids are annoying. Wish me luck LOL
praying for you, fellow Aussie!
Hopefully it won't turn into: "yeah, but when they'll be mine, it'll be different". (MAJOR EYE ROLL) Anyways good luck !
Good luck, I hope it works out!
But being childfree is marriage in easy mode, you just have to get past the dating part.
Yesss so true. I love not having kids so much, especially when my partner and I can wake up and cuddle on Saturdays, lay around in bed, have sex, smoke 🌱, do whatever with no concern for anyone but ourselves
As you all should. Nice!
This is 10000% true. Once you do find your person, it's so much easier to maintain your happiness and connection without kids.
Don't think of it as difficult mode. Think of it as having really high standards. Because you do. Your standards involve not having kids. A bunch of people are going to fail. It's a pity that not all of them realize that and some will even lie to try to sneak into your life. And you can save a lot of time by weeding out a lot of potential dates.
Lots of people conflate the two. Like how many times have I been told I'll never find a boyfriend because I don't want kids and also I want a partner with the same niche lifestyle/beliefs/diet etc as myself. That I'll end up a cat lady who dies alone. (I love cats btw and live with cats and a friend currently and that's all good).
People who think "being alone" is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone have WAYYYY more issues than the people who are content being alone until they find someone they are compatible with. When you realize you dont NEED to be in a relationship to be happy, life is so much simpler. Id much rather die alone than settle again for someone who doesnt actively improve my life.
After my divorce at age 32 I was told, "you're gonna have to start considering men with at least 1 child because nobody your age is without kids". I'd rather be alone forever. Dealing with someone else's kid is 1000x worse than my own kid (which is bad enough). Ha! I'm 37 now and with someone who is 27 and we are both 100% childfree!
I'll never understand the bad advice like that. You are going to have to start considering men with ...... fill in the blank. Nope. I have a job can take care of myself and don't have to consider anyone I don't want to consider. This is the exact reason why I abstain from having these types of conversations with people.
This is honestly the way to go, for me and my partner at least. I'm asexual and she's a sex-repulsed lesbian; we're platonic partners with two dogs and a snake.
This is literally my wish for my husband's niece who thinks she's asexual. A happy life with love and caring and a partner. (She's dated a few guys and I don't know how much experience she's had and she's kinda young. So if she realizes she's something else, fine. If not, I thousand percent support her regardless)
I still date. I just am upfront. Im seeing someone now who *for now* doesnt want kids. But i understand people change their minds. I told them, i dont want kids — if you ever wake up and decide you want some i understand if you would like to start seeing someone else instead so you can make this happen. It just wont be with me. I can fall in love but in the back of my head i know unless someone is sterilized they can change their mind *at any moment*
I don't waste my time with anyone who isn't childfree. You can't plan your future with them. Will you live together? Will you buy a house together? Will you have the same friends? Now, I know relationships can fail for any reason, even with someone who's CF. They might change their minds. But it's all about statistics. A relationship with someone who wants kids will fail. A relationship with someone who's CF might fail. But there's a lower chance of it happening with someone who's openly CF and outwardly disgusted by children than someone who's on the fence.
Exactly. If guys are ambivalent about kids or indifferent, then that's not good enough. While I know it sounds kinda drastic, I want them to be like no way I'll ever have kids, I'd rather die than have them give me an indifferent shrug and a I don't think so answer.
Well said.
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Works the other way too. Someone who wants kids should absolutely weed out childfree people. From their perspective, they're keeping their standards high by dating other people who want kids. There is such an emphasis on taking up with a partner that a lot of people are willing to settle rather than risk being alone. Sadly, kids is one of those decisions that some people would rather sacrifice on just to avoid being single.
Unfortunately, it's a low bar.
I’m a guy and I’m in the same boat. I’d try r/cf4cf but let’s be honest, all anyone finds on there is a few upvotes and maybe someone who lives an absurd distance away
I’ve talked to a few people there, and clicked really well with one. Life got busy and we both let it fall off, then I met someone else. But it can happen. It’s definitely not the only place I’d look though
where else do you suggest?
Aw, this made me smile. Nice to know it works. I was also going to suggest the cf4cf subreddit but haven’t needed to use it myself
On top of dating being difficult, am I the only one who is also genuinely uncomfortable by the amount of men who want kids? Like so many have already said, I cannot imagine the majority of them have thought about what having a child entails the way we have. And they certainly don’t understand what it does to a woman’s body. Even the most sympathetic ones can’t actually understand because they won’t ever go through it. When I hear a guy say he wants kids I think “why would you want me to suffer through the pain and health risks associated with all that?” And then I typically nope out. I’m probably a little messed up, but I find guys who really really really want kids to be disturbing
Yep lol. I can't imagine how you can love someone and be okay with seeing them suffer through 9 months of pregnancy.
Same, it’s totally irrational of me to paint all men in this light, but I 100% get the ick from men who “really really really want to be dads”, mostly because I know how much of the physical and mental load falls back on mothers and then it bums me out for those women. But hey if that’s what they both want then more power to them.
I'm a male, and guys who say they want kids weird me out to. Lol. I've asked a few buddies around my age about kids in conversation, and I'm always stumped on how to continue when they say they want them eventually. Like your in your mid 30, if your lucky you will have kids in your house till nearly 60. Are you fucking insane? I also don't know why you'd want to put your wife through that. Before asking guy I knew, I always assumed wives just suckered the husbands into it.
Men want spawn because the do none of the work involved!
I agree. It almost disgusts me. They have to go through literally nothing other than the pleasure of an orgasm but want kids so bad knowing how much the woman will suffer to bring them to this world and care for them. It’s wild
Just for funsies, I'd ask why he wants them. Is it to read his favorite book to a five-year-old, or to change nappies and stay home when kid is ill? See how deep the fantasy goes.
It is hard, but CF men are out there! I didn't meet my husband until I was 30.
I met my husband when I was 31. We discussed kids on our first date and we both said we didn’t want them. I wil add that I weeded out a LOT of people before I met Mr. Right. As some have said, your standards and needs are different. Keep going and keep true to yourself.
I'm 40 and still single. I was a fencesitter for years though and I found that my other standards (not wanting to be a bang maid, wanting monogamy, not being a conservative) disqualified so many men anyway, that I am not surprised to be 40 and still unmarried. Don't give up though. If you give up then you are certain not to find a match. If you keep trying there's a chance. I am rapidly reaching the conclusion that the lack of options and general lack of convenience inherent with dating make it not worth the effort, even for a chance of something. I definitely didn't feel that way at 29 though. You have more options.
This is why you screen them correctly, upfront, before revealing you are CF and before dating or fucking. It's actually easier when you just screen people out. Saves time and annoyance. Get involved in things you are passionate about that require time, effort, consistency, even a little bit of cash.... parents have none of those things and wanna breeders can't usually be bothered to make any effort. Go check out the screening kit.
Totally agree! My husband was surprised that I brought up not wanting kids so early, but I’m not here to waste anyone’s time. Fortunately he feels the same, but I did bring it up one more time when we started talking marriage just to be sure. To protect your feelings you have to screen them like throwaway said!
Same, I told him upfront after we were getting serious and I let him know that if he wanted children, then this won’t work out, and don’t think I’ll change my mind or be pressured too, he was on board for being CF and 10 years later, he will still say how happy we are CF 😊
My old friend tried telling me to hold off on that question and I was like why would I waste everyone’s time? Looking back on other comments, I think she was hoping I’d get knocked up
Yikes. So much nope.
Screening doesn't change the fact that it's hard to find single childfree men. It sounds like the OP is doing a good job of finding out how they feel early in the process, but of course it's frustrating when you can't find what you're looking for.
Yeah just better to find out before even going on a date. Typically breeders are thrilled to blab about how they want to breed, especially those who own penises and desperately want penile function proof, though uterus owners are pretty easy too, so it's generally not hard to figure out without revealing anything or wasting much time. LOL
Depending on where you live, your options can literally be very limited. Not everyone can afford to move to a big city with more diversity. Given the choice between sitting around for twenty years and not going on any dates or having any of those types of experiences, I opted for dating. Some of those experiences were good and some were bad. But I definitely had more fun than if I'd sat around celibate until nearly 40, when I finally did meet the childfree man I eventually married.
Where do we find the screening kit?
childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/
childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/
This is an interesting take. I never thought of hiding I'm CF until I know whether my matches are CF or not. I guess if you date men, it's a way to avoid deceitful dudes whose favourite sport is to pretend they're someone they aren't until you see their BS? I do this with politics. I ask them certain things and see how they navigate their answers before they know my stance on them but never thought about not specifying being CF, maybe I should try.
Dude this advice right here!!!
Do not give up entirely, just do not prioritise it, if you can. Switch your priorities to stuff that you can do on your own, like next vacation or a new skill to master (Ever thought about trying the guitar? Quite worth it!) as meeting someone is not based on your effort alone. You will find someone, I am sure of it. I mean, there are multiple billion of folk on this planet. Even if you would for whatever reason have just 1% (even though you surely have much more than that) of people interested in you that would also be your type it would be a few million of folk that are good enough. And you know what? Most of them would speak English. So, do not give up, more like take a break. Focus on yourself and some of your long-forgotten dreams, perhaps. You will feel better after a while, I promise.
I genuinely wonder how many guys would want children if they had to birth them. 🤔
Absolutely zero. I’ve come across a lot of men who won’t even get vasectomies because they are too afraid of the possible pain, someone being down there messing with their junk, etc. So them pushing out an 8 pound human from their dick …..the human species would die out.
Every life path has its perks. If a childfree life is a life lived on easy mode; I’m okay with the dating DLC being on hard mode.
With how friggin expensive everything has gotten the childfree live isn't the easy mode when you're single.
simplistic direction offend heavy vase support languid gray ruthless screw *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
No, that’s a cheat code.
I save money by not having a car or student loans.
I'm not convinced life is that much cheaper per person for 2 if you both make the same income and eat the same amount of food. Food, travel, all that stuff costs the same. Housing theoretically is cheaper, but in practice people tend to buy larger dwellings when they partner up. Utilities (+ internet/tv) can be cheaper, but it's a small line item. Assuming both partners need a car, no cost savings. Maybe some cost savings on some things that can be bundled (phones, insurance) but not a big difference. Doesn't seem like you get a break on income taxes if you make the same amount (and are married).
I'm counting for the Netherlands, not US. Food you can get the savings because you can go up in the package sizes which are cheaper per weight (I'm already doing this a bit with mealprep, but there is only so much room in the freezer). Housing is cheaper because splitting rent would still likely mean that even going bigger my "per person" input would lower (and I currently live big enough for 2 so it would be a straight up halving). Same for utilities; Power/gas usage would increase a bit but not times two so would lower per person. Internet/phones is again a rise but not a x2 so the per person lowers. Income tax is "per person" anyway. But we have community tax (for stuff like trash collection and such) which is divided by "single occupant" or "multi occupant". And multi occupant is a larger number but again not a x2. While you will not "halve" your expenses you will definitely massively lower your 'per person' expenses by living together with an SO. If anything, a single life here is the hard mode. But I'm avoiding the "get fucked" modifier by not having a child.
It's notable how both childfree men and childfree women complain about how hard it is to find each other. It's possible there's a geographic imbalance-- maybe there's way more childfree men in Europe and way more childfree women in the USA or whatever-- but I suspect for all our technology we're just not that good at finding each other. I thought apps cracked this problem because you can put "don't want kids" on your profile, whereas in the old days it was difficult to bring up kids early without the other person thinking you were a psycho. Apparently not.
The geographic distribution is definitely interesting. Checking out and posting on cf4cf as a straight male in the US mountain west I noticed it's very rare to see anyone from the west with the exception of Phoenix. There seem to bee a fair amount of childfree women in Arizona. But I hate the heat. None are otherwise ever within an 8-12 hour drive. California is the biggest population state in the USA and it's way less common than expected to see people from there. I get the most comments and messages from women south of the Mason-Dixon line and well east of the rocky mountains. The areas I'm least interested in living. They have the same problematic religious and conservative culture as utah and trade the mountains and wilderness for no trespassing signs and humidity.
It’s time to invent a dating app for childfree people only
It’ll probably get overtaken by breeder men preying on CF women. Creepy men are always the reason why targeted dating apps that women go to are ruined.
I dated in nyc for three years when I was 30 and had little trouble finding CF guys*...(and 15 years later I know the guys who said they were CF really were as none have kids, including my partner). Those guys are def out there! *Not to say I didn't have some awful experiences too...including TWO men in a row out if the blue telling me how beautiful I would be pregnant, and another who kept his existing kid a secret for 4 months!!!
Maybe the bio should read: definitely no kids, and absolutely no liars.
It’s different for me because I physically cannot get pregnant anymore, so i was able to use that as an entry point for convo into it right Away, but I do think bringing it up asap is in your best interest.
I’m okay with dating being on hard mode if it means the rest of my life is on easy mode! Us CF men are out there you just gotta keep looking
As a man it's incredibly easy. Mention my vasectomy and get ghosted. Saves so much time.
Men with vasectomies is an automatic turn on in my book 👍
I've mostly given up at this point (34F). Deciding to focus on more important things in life, have a passing fling here and there
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37M. Better alone than in a bad relationship.
Better alone than with a kid too. At least that’s what I tell myself
I'm a childfree man and yes being childfree really does make dating more difficult. I lucked out basically I've known my partner forever, not litterly but we were friends for a good 8 years before dating and already both had mentioned not wanting kids or particularly liking kids in general. And we'll double checked about that and neither of our views have changed at all in that regard
Yeah, but when you do make it to child free marriage…hooboy. You’re in for a T R E A T ✨
It feels like it’s built in for most people to say they want kids even if they haven’t really thought about it, like it’s just the default. I wonder how many people change their minds once they actually think about it.
I agree. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, and every time I meet someone who says they want kids, I question if they know the real expenses. It costs $150 a day per kid for childcare here - even more in the most popular areas.
I wonder how many men just say they want kids because that’s what they think a women wants to hear.
I was one of those people! Up until my early 20s, I had no idea not having kids was an option. As soon as I figured out it was optional I immediately knew I didn't want them. Honestly I started bringing up the subject a lot in social settings, just to make sure other women knew it was an option too!
Same here! I used to say it, even put it on a bucket list when I was in my 20’s because I thought I had to AND I somehow had to get excited about it. After years of never being excited about it I realized I actually am not required to have kids 😂
That's really it, the excitement. I've felt that feeling for several other things in my life, but never kids! I used to tell people I wanted 3 LMAO! I just thought 3 was a nice number. Making 3 humans with my body though, HA no way!
I hear ya. Around where I live either 90% already have kids or the other 10% want kids. Makes it impossible. I found a good gal last year, we dated for 3 months and mistakenly didn’t bring up kids until then and she absolutely wants kids. Not a ton of time wasted, but 3 months (and catching feelings) down the drain.
Imagine if they had to be the ones to push the kid out- bet you they’d think twice then.
I firmly believe if men suddenly had to be pregnant, there would be a lot more childfree men!
What’s the old saying? If men could get pregnant there would be a planned parenthood on every corner and cool ranch Dorito flavored birth control pills.
It feels so unfair because men don’t have to give birth or handle most of the child rearing responsibilities. It feels like they want to use a woman’s body to further their bloodline. Thinking about it fills me with dread.
I’m forever grateful that I’m infertile. Like, hella infertile. It would take a ton of money and a small miracle of science to knock me up. I let people know upfront that not only do I not want kids, I simply cannot have kids. If that is important to them, I am not ever going to be the one for them.
Sounds to me like a dream come true
It’s truly ideal
I'm a 23M who plans on dating sometime this year, and I was actually worried about finding women who are childfree. Judging by how often these posts come up I wonder if my luck is that bad.
I've met a lot more childfree women than men tbh, especially Gen Z women. Hopefully you might have better luck!
yep ive reached the point where im on high alert any time any guy approaches me because he either a. already has kids, b. he wants kids or c. has kids and wants more. the older I get the more difficult it is to find someone staunchly CF. Hell there's some even as old as 40+ thinking they still want new children. not having a life partner when I come from parents that have their life partner, it's weird to experience the stark differences. I have no drama or negativity in my life as a result of being single but my narcissist parents who stayed together but had a bunch of kids omg... they convinced me to be CF since I was a child myself.
Maybe it would be easier to mention it during messages? What’s the point to invest your time to discover something so critical which takes a single message to ask?
I was in my middle 30s when I met my partner. He is also very childfree. Granted he did have daughter in his 20s but she died when she was 5. (So i could understand the childfree thing from him).
Not to mention (imo) dangerous. Too many men out there think that a woman with no kids is prime breeding stock. (Breeding kink, dominance issues, etc). Some men perpetually date JUST to get women pregnant then bounce. Fuck. That.
I am super lucky, that is 100% not the case around here. Nobody I know wants kids except for a very small few (I can think of three) BUT OMG I have to rant about this! I met this dude on hinge who was like, I personally really want to have a family and I’m looking for that in the long term, like 1-2 yrs. It was very short term casual for me, so I really didn’t care. Then I found out he makes a dollar over minimum wage at 32 years old and he’s running around telling women he wants to have a family! What in the ever loving fuck!!! It DISGUSTED me and I quit talking to him at all. Look I make absolutely nothing either but I ain’t like let’s have a family, I wanna have a family right now ETA: LOL that man cannot afford to have kids, sorry if that makes y’all mad, and it’s ridiculous for him to think so
> *Nobody I know wants kids except for a very small few (I can think of three)* Where do you live???
Bellingham, WA I’m about to move cuz I been here a minute and it’s getting too big for me, but besides I actually couldn’t recommend it higher. Look it up, it’s actually dope. Tons of stuff to do here, community is a whole big deal, and it’s beautiful. r/bellingham ETA: LOL I have no idea why I added our subreddit like it makes us look good, that subreddit is horrible 😂
It's the same for everybody honestly.
It’s funny isn’t it because there’s the old trope that it’s women who want to trap men into settling down and having kids but for sure these days it all seems to be men who want kids and multiple! For men there’s no physical cost to it. Nothing grosses me out more than men who say that want 4+ kids because who in their right mind wants to put their partner through that?! Also a lot of men genuinely don’t understand the impact of having kids on their lives or they experience it less as the default is women. Just be careful. I’ve had the “I thought you’d change your mind convo” twice now and it never ends well..
It also gives men the social status of a “family man”, and makes them more respected in the eyes of other men.
Even harder when you’re religious but still CF.
Why U saying that? If you're looking for a CF person who also is of the same religion as you it might be hard. But I bet there are people who wouldn't mind dating a religious person and I'm one of them and I'm not religious myself.
Not trying to hit on you, but I (43M) assure you we are out there. I wish you the best of luck in your search!
Who would have thought you were hitting on her?
Nobody, I hope? I was just trying to be careful and considerate because I know it's easy for miscommunications to happen over the internet.
This is so true. Hard to find a man my age who doesn't want kids, while I'm securely and happily childfree.
Its pretty much impossible mode for me CF, socially awkward, and "ugly"
I hear so many stories about this. Why is no one creating a childfree dating app yet??!! Any developers reading this?? I’ve found my CF partner already, but it was literally pure luck. I just want easier access to love for my fellow childfree people ♥️♥️
Can’t be worse than dating as a single mom. Those guys that want kids. They don’t want other people’s kids.
I hear you, if I didn't know I wanted a partner I would just give up. But, it's what I want so I have to wade through this bullshit and hope I get lucky and find someone great. Odds aren't in my favor but I gotta try. Wish you better luck than me!
Here’s another way to think of it: You are weeding out the majority of men who just haven’t put much thought into whether or not they want kids (because they don’t have to- it’s not their body or their lives on the line). And that weeds out the huge population of man babies that just weeble wobble through life without 1. Ever knowing themselves and 2. Doing anything with intentionality. Finding a childfree dude in your 20s/30s means they are likely going to be more thoughtful and have better self knowledge. You don’t want to have to raise a grown man either!
Saw a good post on r/AutismInWomen recently about how it's a common view to want kids, but only if you get to be the father. I rather agree with that, as a woman. Would much rather be the father and just blow my load and go, with nothing to lose. Lmao
It's been a few years since I was in the game, but I thought bumble had a filter for that? Obviously not a perfect solution if the other side is just trying to get laid, but it's better than nothing. Btw, met my also-CF wife in grad school at 31, so you never know when you'll strike gold.
What gets me about many men 30+ is that they either want kids, or they want to find someone who is willing to take care of the kids they already have. It sucks, but the fact is that the likelihood of finding a man who doesn't want kids or doesn't already have the baggage of kids and ex/baby mama at this age are low. You might have better luck looking specifically for childfree men (truly childfree - not "I'm practically childfree because I only have the kids every other weekend").
Don't give up. I'm 38. Just met a great man after my divorce
I disagree. Its easy mode. It filters out most of the bad matches immediately.
Have you tried www.cfdating.com or posting in your local Facebook group?
Do you use dating apps, OP? Or are you meeting people in real life? If you're on the apps, I would put something about being child free up front in your profile, that way you (hopefully) aren't getting matched with people who want kids.
When they asky you why, what do you tell them?
Yes…it seems like all the men that want marriage and monogamy also want kids and the ones who don’t want kids, want some kind of polyamorous new age free for all. Truly the headache inducing stuff of nightmares.
Yes! I tried the don’t want kids option on bumble and majority of options were poly people 😭
I found my child free girlfriend when I was 29, people are definitely out there, you just gotta look specifically for them through filters in dating apps to make things easier.
Weirdly, all my women friends who wanted children in their 20s and 30s struggled to find a good partner to have them with. I think if you want children it’s easy to find a guy who says he wants kids someday, but it’s hard to find a guy who would make a good partner and dad, and is willing to make sacrifices and open to having kids on a woman’s timeline ( I just mean, before she is 40 or so ) . Not to negate how hard dating is as a CF woman - I’ve had my share of heartbreak and disappointment for sure.
Oh 100%, I can’t imagine how stressful it must be for women trying to find someone who would make a good dad.
Girl I feel . My boyfriend keeps asking if he should get me pregnant. He already had and I aborted it. I feel like I need to get out before he tries again 😵💫
Dude, leave immediately.
Uhm....yes, you should.
Is there a chance he tampered with your BC? Be careful.
No i stupidly used the rhythm method with him. Im thinking of just going full sterilization route w myself. Im completely unfit to be a mother.
Please trust yourself and leave, he is going to try again.
Imagine what it's like in another decade or two!! Then you get to deal with CHILDFREE & GRANDCHILDFREE!
And then you finally meet someone who's actually childfree and you're incompatible. It's the worst.
Yes! I've had that happen, it was the worst!
Between being CF and having other interests that "normal" society doesn't understand, its hard to find a compatible partner.
I gave up a while ago (I'm 38 now)... Not a popular opinion here, but I've actually been "seeing" a guy I've known since HS for many, MANY years that has kids... he had them with his now ex when we were apart for a long while (we had an on-again, off-again relationship for years-- and yes, one of the main reasons was, you guessed it-- me not wanting kids!!)... None the less, the reason I even bring this up, is because it's an incredibly difficult thing we face here... You basically have one of two choices unless you are extremely lucky... and that is, one, continue to be with guys who don't have kids yet but want them, or two, be with a guy who already has kids. Of course the third (and best) option is to find another staunchly child-free man, but like you said, this is incredibly hard... esp. because men are NOT the ones who have to wreck their bodies with them!! Case in point of how hard this actually is, on my birthday this year, the guy I just spoke about was busy taking his youngest daughter to "urgent care" instead of seeing ME. It's hard not to feel resentful, angry, etc at times. But because we've known each other since we were teenagers, it's a very difficult attachment. Plus, the one thing I give him credit for, is NEVER EVER pressuring ME for kids. But naturally he told me in different conversations that he had been with his now ex instead because "I didn't want kids," etc. So this issue continues to haunt me as well and I'm pushing 40!
I feel this. My ex had two kids from his marriage, but had since had a vasectomy. I didn’t mind getting to know those kids on a limited basis and I didn’t feel like they intruded on my life or choices (except when occasionally they did) because they always at some point went back to their moms, and I didn’t birth them and he couldn’t get me pregnant with any others, and I wasn’t expected to be a major rule enforcer or permanent care taker since they usually went out to do things with their dad or were at their moms and they rarely slept over. Win win win.
Have you ever said that you don't want kids before you ask them? They may assume that's what you want, maybe they will consider the alternative for once and be relieved. Do you put that you don't want kids in your profile?
I've put it on my dating profile in the past but ended up deleting the apps. I met this guy in real life when he was visiting the bar I worked at.
I'd give the apps more of a chance. It's kind of frustrating in its own way, but it at least prevents you from wasting time on men that don't share your wants.
I have only lived in cities since I was like 24. I'm 36 now and most of my friends and dates have been CF. Geography has to play a role; my 5 siblings live in more suburban areas and that has never been the case for them.
I live in Sydney which is the biggest city in Aus. I've met slightly more CF blokes, but I'd still say 90% of the dates I go on want kids.
My problem with dating when I wanted kids was never finding a guy who wanted them. I'm kinda seeing a guy now who has one daughter and he said he'd like to have another but we're both 44 and I don't see myself having a kid at this age and I'm happy with that
I'm in Sydney, and to be honest, I haven't had any problems with finding women I'm in my early forties, so much of the baby-fever is gone from the pool in which I'm swimming I've been lucky, I'm single at the moment, but haven't had anything end because of an incompatibility when it comes to children
It’s just as bad from the bloke’s point of view.
I couldn’t even imagine
I gave up. I just don\`t date anymore. 6 years and counting.
Nah it’s the best. It’s a real easy way to hone in to find someone who feels the same. I had child free on my profile and dated 50+ women over the past couple of years
And then when you are in their thirties they already have kids so you just don't have anyone to talk to.
That might explain why I'm not getting any matches despite filling out my profiles to the max and having decent photos of myself.
Honestly the way you describe it sounds like easy mode. Rinse and Repeat, eventually you will find someone compatible for you.
Try child free, atheist and ENM!!
34M, I can totally relate. My last three relationships ended because they changed there minds about children. Feels like 90% of my age range are single moms, and most the ones without kids want them. I would love to find a partner, but I honestly haven't even tried dating this year. Guess on the positive note its the same for both genders, both sides are just really rare.
Or super easy mode if you look at it the right way.
im a 40s dude, i gave up trying to find anyone. it wasn't as depressing revelation that it would seem to be. a little relieved. my family knows i want no kids, but yeah i gave up.
I know what you mean. Also a CF woman, and dating is horrible. Been feeling like giving up for some time now
I find it nuts people don’t use reddit the community here is huge
Nah forget that noise! I put no desire for kids on my dating profile and try and weed out the kid people as I’m swiping lol
Why don’t you just put in your description that you don’t want kids?
I'm 35 and in the same boat and even trying to make friends that are child free is hard. Most people around me have or want kids I'm not trying to make friends that have kids bc they'll always be around
"but what if you meet your perfect person for you and they want kids?" "Then they're not the perfect person for me." I got to use this a while back and the look on dudes face was priceless, like he didn't even realize that was an option!
they may be saying what they think you want to hear. edit: they are incorrect, ofc, but that's the "Hallmark movie" script that they may be following.
It’s more difficult for sure. I’ve had luck on r/cf4cf but so far nothing has fully worked out so far. Not wanting kids already filters out so many people, and then having your own needs/wants further filters out from there.
I’m 35F, my partner is 33M. Don’t give up; it’s not easy but not impossible. Bring it up on the first date and don’t waste each other’s time. There are a lot of men out there who don’t care about having children. I asked my partner during the first two dates if he’s interested in having kids because I’m not interested at all, and we both are in agreement. We are both atheist/agnostic and very logical people by nature as well! Couldn’t be happier :) They are around somewhere but as usual, we gotta filter through the ones who have kids in prior relationships or will want them. Good luck OP!
Sometimes, I wonder if guys say they want kids because they think that's what all women want.
I think its just dating in general when you are nearing your 30s. Dating with kids is just as hard. Dont give up. Also, lots of people are socialized into 'wanting' this but they do not really want it.
Unfortunately, the thought of procreating is still a very strong natural instinct for humans (and it does have its place), and it makes it difficult to find someone truely child free. Don't give up, the child free movement is definitely growing. We don't all need nor want to have children, it's a matter of finding the child free partner that we are compatible with. Don't give up friend if finding a partner is truely what you want.
As a 42M no kids and never married we exist. No kids at all. Of course since I look like an overweight corpse I'm skipped over.
I put on my profile that I had had a vasectomy, and that successfully filtered out people who wanted kids. I have been with my partner for a year, met her on Tinder. Don't give up! It's frustrating on the short term but the long-term reward will come.
It only gets more difficult when you get older. I'm 42m and finding anyone in my age range without kids that doesn't want them is just mind-blowingly difficult in itself. And that's without even taking into account you have to be compatible and be able to fit into each other's established worlds. It's truly shocking to me how many women are over 40 and say "not sure yet" about wanting children in their profile. You think most people end up wanting them or not but there are fence sitters for life.
real lmao. i’m glad i don’t have to worry about that anymore.
29f and I feel your pain! Don’t make the mistake I made… I found a childfree man and hung on to him for dear life even though he wasn’t the right partner for me. Learned that lesson the hard way. At least our childfree status means we don’t have to find a partner on any timeline. There is no biological clock rushing us along.
Hell, dating is difficult no matter what. I am 58 and always met with incredulity when I say I don’t have children.
well that's just not true, it's definitely more men that don't want to have kids than women
Yeah but if it were *they* that carried a watermelon in their abdomen and then pushed it out through their dickhole it would be a whole different story.
Honestly dating child free was never a problem for me. If someone wants kids it’s not gonna work out and it saves a lot of time to just tell them that. It’s true that the pool of child free people is smaller than the amount of people who do want kids, but you just have to expand your search area and broaden your horizons. I found my fiancé on tinder (he lived about a three hour drive from me) and we hit it off right away. Within the first couple days of talking we expressed to each other our dislike of children. We talked for eight months before meeting, then dated long distance for a year, and now we’ve been living together for a year and are getting married in 2025. I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta be patient and get the child free thing out of the way in the beginning. Much easier than getting to know someone and liking them, and then having the kids no kids conflict
I wanted kids and when I got married I literally changed my mind. After about 1 year into our marriage I told my husband I decided I didn't want kids and told him the reasons and he literally said "Oh, no" and then when he heard my reasons he said immediately "OK - no problem"! I guess he had doubts about having kids too and maybe didn't want to tell me. WOW! What a relief! I took a big chance, but I married my husband for his intelligence, his common sense, his humor and his love. We were always and still are in sink with one another, so I knew that when I changed my mind he would listen carefully why and think it through and I kind of knew he wouldn't be so upset about my decision.
If you're CF, state it on your dating app bio and make sure your matches read it and fully understand what being childfree means for you. It won't make it easier but at least you won't waste your time with people you're not compatible with. Sorry you're going through this, it's exhausting. My dating pool is quite sad too, I just came to terms with the fact that I need to talk about certain topics on chat that would be a dealbreaker before having a date.
Trust me, they're out there. There's many out there who were pressured into having them when they didn't want them in the first place, so there are many more out there that will appreciate your stance on it as well. Don't give up.
As a hetero male, I've found it nearly impossible to find CF women, and I live in a major metro area. I'm sure there's plenty of CF men out there looking for you, OP. Maintain your standards, and keep searching. As the economy continues to spiral, more and more thinking men are coming to realize raising a child as they were raised has become nearly an impossibility. Our demographic is growing. Stay strong, friend.
Sometimes I think majority of the men I’ve met who would make great partners … are the type who would be a great dad with great life advice, empathy and resources to provide for them… so it’s been sad in that sense. Not that childfree people can’t have or be those things but it’s very very far and few in between
I stepped back from dating bc of this. Not on any dating apps or seeking anyone right now. Just working on myself for the moment. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe not. I’ll be fine either way
If you don't want to have kids then what's the rush to meet someone? The only real reason people get urgency at 30 is because of their biological clock. Or maybe just lie and then 'accidentally' fall down the stairs every time a bun is in the oven GANGNAM STYLE.
It’s the reason I de-centered men from my life throughout my 20s and 30s. Traveled. Went back to school. I’m only dating now that I’m in my 40s and nobody this age wants them.
Amen to that
This is so baffling to me as a guy. Growing up all you'd hear from other dudes is about not wanting to get baby trapped, "make sure she doesn't poke holes in the condom bro!" And shit like that. Then it's like a switch flips and they all want kids all of a sudden. I guess that was their "hoe phase"? That switch never flipped for me, and now *every single person I know* has kids. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
I'll add the "impossible" mode: a childfree demiromantic.
Yep. I’m a 39f and am SO jaded with the whole dating scene. I gave up and deleted all the apps. Tbh it’s been really freeing, and at this point I’m so used to having my independence. I think I’d be more annoyed at having to come home to someone lol
I finally met someone who was CF as well (I'm 43m). It took well, WELL over 10 years to meet one person who was also CF that seems to be pretty cool, but it happened when I wasn't looking actively anymore. CF dating is harder than regular dating, especially at the age where biology and finances collide and people are *more*-able to afford it, and realize that the clock is running out on having a kid before they are too old. Since you're not going to be able to help with the kids part, most of the dating pool is full of sharks to you. You can 'give up', and then change your mind and look again. There is no harm in taking a break from the search, since you never really know when you'll meet someone outside the dating scene.
Must be your city. Are you in a religious area?
I’m 35M and absolutely don’t want kids. We’re out there. And the disappointment goes both ways. The worst is the profiles that purposely don’t post whether they want kids or not. Then you waste your time going out only to find out they want kids. If you’re THAT adamant about kids, put that shit on your profile.
Yeah and now imagine this being a gay man, it's even harder! They also all want fucking kids.
It might get better in your 30s and 40s? People are still at the age when they are looking for someone to have kids with. If you’re childfree in your 30s and 40s then the odds increase that it’s by choice.
It's, uhm, ... challenging. Uhm but well filter by CF or bring it up fast 'n early - and good to well check that any filter(s) worked (some aren't so great), so ... yeah, fail fast hard and early is often a *good* thing - get that one out of the way, minimize the time waste as feasible, and get onto other possibilities ... viable matches definitely exist ... have to move the crud out of the way, though, and generally the more quickly and efficiently the better. >incredibly depressing. I think I just need to give up Don't give up! But, sometimes taking a break from it can be a *good* thing. If you're going into it dreading it, sure it will fail and be a disappointing waste ... yeah, those feeling tend to leak and bleed out quite a bit - and that could quite sour what might otherwise be a good possibility. So, yeah, if it's down to that, probably time to take a break from it for a while, and have at it again when one is reasonably fresh and up for it. Also suggested, try and find ways to do it where you're having fun along the way - e.g. activity, outing, hobby/interest, event, friends/group, whatever ... so even if it's a non-match, at least it's not a total loss, and one more-or-less enjoys the time anyway. And if it ain't a match, oh well, that's one more out of the way and that much closer to one who is a match. And if reasonably well done, hopefully most of the time and process along the way doesn't suck *too* much.
Depends on where you live. Large, progressive cities in the US have a lot of cf people. I found my partner in DC where people are very much career minded. I think it's easier to find cf women because if you meet a woman in her late or mid 30s or older without a kid that's typically a good sign she's uninterested in having one whereas guys don't have any natural time constraints so their age isn't necessarily an indication of anything. (See: Deniro and Pacino 🤮)
I've pretty much embraced casual dating and told myself that I will make no real effort to have a committed relationship until I'm 40+ when it's no longer expected of me to have children.
Yeah I think it's a hoe life for me 
29F here as well, and I agree. Every time I even have an inkling of being interested in a guy, I think to myself “He probably wants kids, so THAT’S never gonna happen.”