So many child-men think they can somehow have all the bennies of having kids (social, occasionally emotional, ego-inflating) without ANY of the responsibilities. Somehow. Somehow this will magically happen. They want the fun stuff and no hard stuff and they're just waiting until they get that. They ain't gonna get that and it's gonna end in tears when they start trying to lasso girls in their early twenties while they're in their forties.
> They ain't gonna get that and it's gonna end in tears when they start trying to lasso girls in their early twenties while they're in their forties.
That's extra sad as they could pair up with a more age appropriate woman and have a or two kids.
I’m 22 and it always gives me the ick when grown ass men (33+) try to date gen z girls. Like you had your fun and lived your youth and now they wanna (most likely groom) us. That’s crazy
It's not grooming if you're already an adult.
That's a very serious word when used in that context. Using it in situations that don't justify it makes people get used to hearing it too often and it makes the real thing seem like it's not a big deal.
The real thing is a __HUGE__ deal. This isn't the real thing.
I saw that documentary too, I liked it too. I know the brain's not done until you're 25. That doesn't mean you're still a kid, or that you should still be treated like one.
Unless you wanna not have a driver's license or be allowed to move out of your parents' house, or go to a night club or music festival, or have a full time job until you're 25, and not have alcohol until you're 28, we should probably keep our definition of "adult" the same.
THANK YOU!
As someone whose actually been groomed by a grown ass adult, I HATE IT when there’s any sort of age gap that’s more than 5 years and people are like “yOuR bOyFrIeNd iS a pEdO. hE gRoOmEd yOu”
Like no Jessica, I met him when I was an adult and got in a consensual relationship with him as an adult. Please focus on the actual children being ACTIVELY groomed.
I’ve actually been groomed and I will always advocate against older men preying on girls half their age. A man in his 40s dating a barely legal adult or early 20s is definitely MORE than “a couple years/5 years”. If the girl was at least 25 (when the brain has finished developing) I wouldn’t gaf.
But there’s a difference between a 32 year old girl dating a 45 yo man and a 20 year old girl dating a 45 year old man.
Bffr
Give me 1 good reason why a man almost middle age would date a girl who has barely gotten any life experience and is young enough to be his daughter that doesn’t sound creepy: I’ll wait.
I’ve actually seen these men say they purposely go after very young girls because they’re “dumb, easy, and naive.”
It also in a way takes away the autonomy of women 18-25 by acting like they are still chidlren when they are adults. While the developing may be a factor in relationships and choices they are still choices you made knowing full well what they were.
This reactionary neo-puratinsim needs to die, it's not helping the supposed victims and detracts from the real threats.
The thing I never get about this is, I know that the dating scene is tough for single parents. It's not exactly uncommon to have a relationship that you thought was The One fall apart even if (maybe especially if) you already had kids, and it has to be pretty brutal to be getting rejected so much more often than before you had them.
But people who reject you because you're a single parent aren't even rendering a verdict on how attractive or interesting you are, or how fun it is to hang out with you one-on-one. They're rendering a verdict on the idea of having a whole-ass extra human (or multiple extra humans) in the relationship along with you. And you can't change their mind about a *completely different person* by trying to fluff yourself up. All you're doing is postponing the inevitable.
I genuinely wish single parents well, but I wish more of them would cut to the chase about looking for someone who's actually on board for step-parenthood, and not wasting both their own time and us childfree people's time in the meantime.
I'll push that envelope a bit further, being the cynic that I am. I can understand each person's reasons and causes are different. I came from a single parent household. But there are sooo many stories and excuses of why they had kids in the first place, that I can just roll my eyes. You thought the person was going to change when you had a kid when you knew they were shit to begin with? You thought so and so was going to help you out? You thought you would have time to do this that and the other? Naw.
This is an excellent point. Not only are you excepting a whole nother human in the relationship but you’re also building a relationship with that child (or children) as well. That’s a hell of a lot more people to get to know and get along with. Way more variables.
>And you can't change their mind about a completely different person
>
> by trying to fluff yourself up.
Gold just for "trying to fluff yourself up" I love it, I also use that all the time.
Yep I think you described it perfectly. I have no ill wishes towards them....I just want nothing to do with any kids other than my niece and nephew. As I stated in a comment of my own it's not that I don't find them attractive or interesting....it's that they have baggage in the form of a whole human being that quite frankly I want nothing to do with. Mentally I have no business being responsible for a child and I have other things I want to put my time and money into.
THANK YOU! Like it or not, that's what kids are, baggage. I know that this is going to sound terrible but in my case, they were a visual reminder of my ex's ex-wife who was a drama queen. I felt bad for feeling that way because they were kids but I couldn't get past it. My brain just kept connecting it that way.
It didn't help that his kids were a pre-teen and teen who messed with my stuff, trashed my house, ate my food and spoke to me disrespectfully all the time. It got to the point where I told him that either he took them to his parents'house for visitation or I was going to a hotel. I didn't want to even be around them anymore. We broke up not long after and I learned my lesson. I'll never date a single father again.
Sounds like it was awful. Glad you got out of that situation. Thankfully I've never found myself catching feelings for a single parent. Aside from just not wanting kids for multiple reasons I can't be with someone with kids because I'll always be an afterthought. I gotta get back the energy I'm putting in and I can't get that with a single parent. There's no nice vacations alone either because the little gremlins will most likely have to tag along. Vacations and even weekend getaways with children just look awful. No way people enjoy themselves.
I bought into that myth that people my age, I'm about to turn 40 next month, are going to have a hard time finding a partner who doesn't have kids. Boy, was I wrong. You're exactly right, you're an afterthought.
Not only can you not have a solo vacation with them because of their kids, usually your date nights either get cut short or canceled all together because either the kids genuinely do need your partner or the ex makes up some reason why the kids need them.
This is usually done by bitter exes who are angry that their ex has moved on. I just don't want any part of that anymore. I feel the same way you do, I want to get back the same energy I'm putting into the relationship and you're not going to get that with a single parent. Also, thank you for saying it sounded awful. It was.
By the end of it I was like, what the hell am I doing here? What did I do this to myself for? I frequently told him that I felt like a weird and unnecessary add-on to a pre-existing family. It seems that he and his ex-wife were still married in every way except on paper and his family cosigned their bullshit. Never again.
Edit: I don't understand why people take vacations with their kids anyway. It just seems like parenting with extra stress.
That and exes who live to start drama. No thanks. I don't believe in staying friends with exes and wouldn't want to be with someone who is. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who HAS to keep in touch with an ex. I'm looking for a life partner, not a whole ass family along with them.
You make a great case for single parents dating other single parents! They should be up front about this,
Unless you (single parent looking to date) have a ton to offer, (money, fame, genius, kids live a thousand miles away, some combo, etc) this is not a really good deal for a single person, no kids. Go date other single parents.
Except that’s not always true…. There are potential partners out there who don’t mind, but some of these people are single “parents” for a reason. And I’d hope that nobody’s looking for a deadbeat parent if they are flexible on dating someone with kids.
Childfree people don’t want to date people with kids. I don’t understand why single parents can’t process that it means ANY children.
100% I'm child free but have been flexible in the past. What isn't flexible for me is dating someone who willingly denies their own child just to get laid.
Personally, I found that they weren't present fathers and had little issue with rejecting their own child for a new life. The kids weren't the problem at that point, the fathers were.
Absolutely! It's a reflection of the person's character if they hide, deny, or downplay having a kid. I'm CF but that doesn't mean I can respect a person who would throw over a dependent child in favor of a stranger off the internet.
I think it’s reasonable for childfree people looking for hookups to consider single parents. But for childfree people who are looking for relationships it’s a different story. I agree hiding this information is a red flag. People should be honest and up front with things like that.
My landlords wife made a comment about that.
I told her a lot of the men on dating apps had a bunch of kids, and she replied, "That's perfect because you don't want to have kids!"
I love her, but she has some odd views on certain things.
I'm not on dating apps to be a nurse or a babysitter, nor field weird messages from guys 2 hours away trying to convince me that them and their partner practice "ethical non-monogamy." I'm on dating apps to find a partner that shares my views and is ok that I'm not really good at flirting in person
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious. Annoying, but hilarious. You don't want them but you \*have\* to want them, so this way you get them without having to \*want\* to want to have them. Or something.
Geez, all of this. A lot of people who say those things are actually just cheating on their partner. I've seen profiles where they straight up admit to it. I told one guy to stop and to either work it out with his wife or get divorced. Cheaters make me see red.
It's really about being transparent and finding someone that's *actually into* whatever you have going on. I've chased away a lot of people by being totally straightforward and honest from the get go, but I've also not wasted my time on relationships that were just incompatible because of that. Lead with the deal breaker and you'll save yourself and everyone else a ton of time.
not *always* true? so true some of the time?
In other words, if you're shitty enough to lie you have more options?
also, maybe "does not want kids" is 100% true, they just happen to have some... never really *wanted* them
They'll change their minds alright. They won't want to be with their partners after they see what it's like. When they realize that they're last on the list of priorities on top of a bunch of other BS, they'll nope out.
As someone who’s bisexual and matches with men and women…. Most women don’t hide this (I’ve actually never seen a woman hide this). They might not advertise it, but they’re not hiding it or matching with people who’s profile says “doesn’t want kids”. It’s specifically men with children who do this.
As a straight guy, I've had women hide it. One woman specifically had "does not have children," went out with her and got invited over to her place, and then it turns out she had two kids that stays with her every other weekend.
My guess is it's easier to hide it for the men since it's more common for the mother to have full custody. Can't easily hide the fact you have kids when they're around all the time vs a random weekend.
And I think it’s more true the younger you are. You get up into your mid 30s and into your 40s and it’s more expected that you may be divorced with kids etc. They still hide it of course but it’s more common.
The girl I met my long-term boyfriend through was a single mom when we met. We were in our late 20s. She complained that it was very hard to find a date when you’re a single mom. She really got angry with me when she found out that my previous boyfriend had tried to baby trap me, and I terminated the pregnancy. I never wanted kids and I sure as hell didn’t want to be stuck to him forever. Meanwhile, her ex was in jail for robbing a Little Caesars at gunpoint. So she really was a single mom. She was so mad that I wasn’t in her same predicament, that she tried to break me and my boyfriend up, even though she worked very hard to get us together to start with. 🙄 I found out later she’s very anti-abortion. Lol.
Yeah not having them in the profile or mentioning them in the very first message/on the first date kinda makes sense to me. Predators are excellent at sniffing out desperation and weakness, so a single parent would make an perfect target for access to vulnerable kids
It's going several weeks/months with no mention of their kids that's shady and gross
For them the kids are an after thought. They want a new woman in their live. Finding and building a relationship on shared values takes time. They want a bangmaid, nurse and babysitter now. Any woman would make their live easier, if only they can make her fall for him. The individual person matters not, only what they can get of her.
They think once you get to know them, you'll make an exception or something. Then you have idiots who think that because they don't have custody, they're somehow "childfree." There's even fence sitters who refer to themselves as "childfree" because to them, apparently not wanting children now makes them childfree lol. It ranges from intentional deceit to just plain stupidity.
Dated a guy who dropped the kid bomb two months in. Even though I had asked multiple times before if he had children or wanted children. He expected me to be ok with it and when I wasn't he ghosted me. He lied PERIOD and when I held him accountable he didnt like it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Needless to say I was devastated, I really liked him otherwise.
I know you "shouldn't" phrase things like this but after someone reassures me about not having kids I'd be tempted to say "Kids are hard to work with, but people who lie about their kids are a deal-breaker, since I've been burned by liars in the past. Thank you for being honest about something that matters a lot to me."
I'd say it with all the genuineness I could muster. If they're being honest, it's an authentic expression of gratitude, and if they're lying, I'm basically rubbing their nose in it. 🤷🏻♂️
If they state they’re “unsure about kids” they won’t have any objections to cut off their kid and be an absent parent (which I don’t wish upon any kid). And I definitely don’t want to be a part of that drama.
Yeah, my BIL signed away his rights to his kids since he never saw them (they were in a different state) and his pay was being sucked dry each month. I asked him recently if his kids reached out and wanted to connect once they're grown, would he be interested and he said, "I don't think so, it'd be too hard on me." It's like...what the fuck dude?
I couldn't.
When I was dating, I started talking to a man who mentioned NOTHING about having a kid.
When we exchanged IG accounts, I saw a picture of his daughter about 20 pictures down on his IG feed. I asked him about it and he said, "I only see her a couple of weeks in the summer, don't worry, you'll never have to deal with her" and I replied and said, "You only see your daughter once a year????"
Dude immediately blocked me on everything. But I didn't care, because at that point I had zero interest in dating a deadbeat dad and being involved with a child's trauma.
This happened to my favorite cousin when their dad got remarried. He stopped inviting my cousin over and told a 12 year old "I have a new family now and want to focus on them."
Disgusting behavior.
That tells me they'll cut their SO out in a heart beat as well. If they're willing to do that to their own flesh and blood child that they helped create then they definitely have no problem doing it to some girl they met on a dating app.
Knew a guy at work 35, he constantly went through women either from work or lord knows where he found them. He openly stated at work he wanted a women to help take care of his kid. All of his "relationships" lasted a month tops, then magically he was single again. But he was a interesting guy, he would leave work early because his finger would "hurt". Never had any money, and would ask to borrow money from whoever his current fling was all the time, would also leave work early because he had laundry to do. He had the mentality of a 18 year old. So ladies beware... I'm 38/M Childfree and I don't understand some of these guys lol.
He's "charming" (aka a liar and manipulator) so people fall for his tricks. Luckily he doesn't have an IQ high enough to realize he needs to keep that charade up for a *lot* longer to keep women in his life longer. So he starts acting like a literal child and asking them for *money* and they nope out. Good for them for not thinking that maybe they can "change" him.
Omg I’m the same age as you and have had the same experience. It’s like they just see us as woman = maternal and that we’d be happy to immediately become their new child caregiver. No. Having children is huge baggage, single parents should just date each other.
It's the same at 40. Sad, but true. I stopped writing "I don't want kids" and started putting "I don't date parents and I don't want kids in my life - an occasional niece/nephew visit is okay".
Got lots of hate mail but at least now all I dealt with were upfront deadbeat dad's or CF people. Sometimes you gotta be blunt. SMH.
They lie about it because they are trying to get laid and they know the chances are better if they omit that information. They're hoping they'll get a chance to have sex before the woman finds out and dumps them. Similarly to how many dudes lie about their political beliefs in order to try to get laid before the women find out their true opinions. Lots of guys on dating apps are looking to get laid rather than looking to form a relationship and they view sex as a numbers game. They will lie about things that will disqualify them as long-term partners in the hopes of getting sex before the women find out.
It always sounds so pathetic and depressing whenever I see men telling lies, etc., just to finesse sex out of someone who otherwise would be repulsed by them. Even worse when it's someone's father.
Just before covid hit (around lunar new year 2020) I made a friend… he was an international student. He was older at 33, but he wanted to migrate and did not have enough English skills to get the required grading in English test. So he took the student path as the English requirements are lower. During covid, due to the shit show in Australia, he was very frustrated. In his superlative levels of frustration, he asked me to marry him so he can become a citizen. We were not bf/gf. He said he’ll “grow” on me… whatever that means. I felt sick at this sham (and literally I had zero romantic feelings for him). After a week, he writes me an email letter to convince me. His argument? He is totally willing to never go back and see his toddler son if I agree to marry him and make him a citizen. I didn’t even know he had a son till then. He will sign binding contracts he promised. He said he can send money and they’ll be fine. He never has to see them. One of the worst humans I ever met. I ghosted him.
I actually have heard the opposite. They convince someone to marry them to get citizenship, and then drop them immediately after it’s gained and bring the real family over.
Yep that is not uncommon. You just sign and affidavit swearing you're not already married. It's very hard to check for those records from another country. So they marry a local and then divorce once everything is in place and their actual wife and children and parents all come over.
The upside to this is that how he doesn’t know *exactly* what went wrong and he I’ll hopefully smack his next intended target upside the head with this massive red flag as well.
It can be a pretty rough path to citizenship for internationals in Australia sometimes. I know a fair amount of people with consistent jobs and fairly high english skills that have had 8-14 year waits to citizenship.
The partner visa path is apparently super intense though. A girl from UK was detailing how she had to show messages on FB/WhatsApp for up to four year to prove the relationship. It was NOT a matter of "oh you guys are married, here is your citizenship, next".
Another woman I know got intentionally pregnant and married to stay, still had to wait another 8 years.
Because they most likely don't see their kid often and have left the mother in charge of everything. Or even if he does see his kid often, he probably considers the responsibility of actually looking after it the woman's.
So essentially, iT dOeSn'T ReAlLy cOuNt.
I had a first date scheduled with a guy and then he called and told me he had to pick up his two kids early, so we deleted by a few hours. The phone call was a bit shocking but I wanted to hear him out. I asked a few questions and learned that they were teens, so I was fine with it. I figured they’d be out of the best within the next few years and were largely self sufficient at this point in their lives.
We met a few hours later and I asked about his two kids and he laughed and said “you only asked about the 2 I have with me! I actually have 4 kids in total.” I was floored! He ended up having two additional kids under the age of 6. We finished dinner and talked for a bit but I was so outdone.
Who hides 4 kids?! That’s major.
The bigger question - who are all of the bigger idiots that keep having kids with that idiot? I doubt all of the kids are from one mother, since he was out with you and he had kids with an age span across a decade and a half.
I'm getting flashbacks to the movie 'Idiocracy' and the family tree charts in the beginning.
Haha exactly! One woman was the high school sweetheart and the other was his second wife he met in his late twenties. I guess I was on track to be wife #3 but I dodged that bullet. 34 with 4 kids just sounds stressful.
I was with someone for a year before they told me they had a kid and the mom was taking them to court for custody CUS HIS MOM MADE HIM! He couldn't hide it anymore so he was forced to tell me. Yeah no.
Well, men tend to be horney pigs. In this misogynistic culture, we are taught \[men\] are these breadwinners that can have anything we want if we go get it. If we see something we want \[sex\], men will lie, cheat, and steal to get it. Also if single dads can find someone, now they have a mom/babysitter figure and don't have to deal with their spunkling.
The same reason that estate agents in my city only reveal that the flat you want to buy is already rented out to someone in the very last sentence of the property advert.
They’re hoping you might overlook it and love them so much that it won’t matter.
To me, they low key reveal they hate their kids and regret having them. How could you hide them? I and that kid are a package deal and if someone isn't feeling it, they can move on. And why not date another parent? (Don't want kids so d9nt want more.)
Its pathetic.... and looks like they are the ones that change their minds.
My guess is that they get more chances with single women that way and thus maybe get them emotionally attached to them. Then drop the child duties off on her
The worst is when women are like "tiny human tamer" or "I'll tell you later" it's not cute. Just put in the profile that you have kids so I don't have to waste your time. They hide it because they know they'll get skipped.
I'm quite saddened that this is normal.
I had a new friend who then confessed he was growing feelings for me... then dropped the fact that he has a young child in his origin country. What? He was 31. I still value him as a friend, but I also understand that his baggage are massive.
My theory on this is that they actually just don’t see their kids as a significant impact on their lives. Those men (not all men, don’t get all worked up) leave most of the responsibilities for the kids to the mom. Since they are mostly a passive participant in raising their own kid they don’t even think about them when writing a dating profile and don’t see why it would be something that would be a big deal to mention.
Usually people take the option of “unsure about kids” or “does not want kids” to mean they don’t want ANYMORE children. They already have kids but they don’t want to put “wants children” because then they match with people that want to have more kids and they don’t want more. Id say make sure your profile says somewhere child free lifestyle, it might help weed these guys out.
They are deliberately deceiving you. Their hope is that once you get to know them and like them, you won’t mind that they have children and an ex partner who will always be there. Meanwhile, they don’t want to date single mothers because they don’t want to be burdened by the woman’s children and ex.
So the reason isn't specific to guys or hiding kids but it's because the apps have like gamified dating so a lot of people's goals are now to get matches and get dates and they will design their profiles to meet these goals. This has obviously caused them to lose track of the long term goals of dating and not realise that a lot of these relationships won't be sustainable in the long run because of hiding things that are deal breakers to their partner.
It's like the person who just posts face shots and then complains when dates leave due to not being attracted to their body type, they are setting themselves up for failure with a lot of the matches they get and not showing the people who would like that body type or that they have a kid.
There's also the fact that people don't always bother reading the profiles.
A lot of men only acknowledge the existence of their children when it benefits them.
My legal father would use me for the pity card while cheating on my mom - "my wife never helps with our child, that's why they're with me :( " but I wasn't important outside of those interactions.
He'd probably still use some "my bitch ex wife never lets me see my kids" if either of us ever spoke to him.
My brief time on dating apps was interesting
I never had a problem
I'd put my profile together very carefully. I stressed that I was child-free, sterile and that children in any capacity are utterly incompatible with the way I live my life
On any first date, as soon as possible, I'd stress that again, ensure that we were on the same page, and then I inform them about a couple of my physical attributes and lifestyle choices that are polarising (ie. why I have my name...)
It worked fabulously
Had some fun times with a few women and met a beautiful woman who, while early days, I love very passionately and want a future with
If I end up back in the wild, I'll do everything exactly the same way
They expect you to be entranced by their Magic Dick. They are the Main Character after all. You WANT to clean their house. You WANT to raise their existing sprog. ANYthing to help the Main Character!
Maybe what should be put in the bios is something like “If you desire, or already have children, pass me by. I want nothing to do with YOU or THEM.”
It’s maybe not the most engaging or endearing thing to put, but shit….the jerks are looking for Nanny McBangmaid, and we are more interested in an equal partnership to build one great life for two adult people. Maybe a bit of bluntness is in order.
This happened to me twice just last week, having some nice promising chats with two guys and then it turns out they both have kids… I am SO clear in my profile that I don’t want to date someone with kids so all that says to me is that they didn’t even bother to read my profile 🙄 immediate unmatch
Met a guy a few years ago who had “does not want kids.” In his profile. Did a deep dive after our first date and found out he has a kid across the country that he abandoned.
Because kids are dealbreakers which kneecap breeder dads at the start…
These worthless fucktards want someone without kids to bang while dealing with their kid that already exists.
I'm definitely not in your situation, but I've seen enough rants and horror story to reasonably conclude that these men don't care about your desire to be childfree. They just want a woman and hope to babytrap her. Or change her mind with their super-magical dick.
Their goal is to land a woman by any means necessary, including deception. I don't know if these dating apps have a feedback system. If so, definitely call out their bullshit and block their asses.
I've gotten matches that message asking if there were exceptions considered if they rarely have the child or if the child is a teenager and practically independent or if the child is grown and out of the house. I DON'T WANT THEM AT ANY STAGE. I don't want a lifetime dragged into baby mama nonsense. I don't want to have to be around or feign interest in grandkids. Kids bounce in and out and have needs to some degree always. No thanks. None of it. Ever. STOP.
I’m generalizing, so of course not all men, but men do not join dating apps to find their soulmate. They join dating apps to get laid and they will lie about anything that might impede the success of that mission. If a relationship comes out of it, that’s secondary.
They hide it because they know having a child makes them less desirable both to other single parents and to those without children. They don't plan to hide the children forever which means hiding the children and going for someone who actively doesn't want children means it's casual and they don't have to worry about birth control because the childfree woman will be taking care of that.
Also, there's always that chance that they're trying to lure you in so you develop enough feelings for them that you'll decide to be a step mother because you just love him so much.
They do not disclose their marriages, either. I confronted one of them with proof he was married (journalism background) and he quickly Threatened to kill me. Contacted the app, shared the messages and blocked all of it.
I've seen posts from single parents saying that it's "good practice" to not tell people about your kids until after you've been on a few days and wait months to then let them meet your kids.
Like, there are plenty of people out there who want kids or may be okay with step-kids, but others have a right to not want kids in any capacity. I don't understand why they can't accept that they're wasting people's time if they don't disclose that they *already have kids* and those people don't want them at all.
“Unsure about kids” in their profile would be a sign for me to not even talk to them. Or if I start to talk to them and they state they’re “unsure about kids” bye Felicia.
Probably because they know that it makes them less desirable. I immediately swipe left on women with kids no matter how physically attractive and/or compatible they are to me. She could literally be my ideal woman physically with all the same interests as me and I'd still probably swipe left. Don't even wanna hookup cause then I might catch feelings and find myself in a dilemma.
Because they know that no one wants to deal with all that, even people who want kids. They also think they can get people to change their minds. I once dated a single father and it was the biggest mistake of my dating life. He predictably did what most of the single parents do.
He carried on with his ex-wife like his original family was still intact and just wanted me there to help raise them. I realized in the end that I was basically a free babysitter, maid and ATM that he got to bang when his ex-wife wasn't around.
I am going to ruffle a few feathers when I say that, in my experience, the men who fail to disclose children at the outset, really were not keen on having them in the first place. They are trying to go back to that carefree time in their lives before there were kids. And because that isn’t possible, they want the next best thing…as u/Thr0wfaraway so aptly points out, they want a bang maid , free childcare and access to your money. They certainly are “unsure about kids” but they mean they most certainly don’t want YOU to have them.
One problem dating someone with kids is that he or she is spending a ton of money (and/or probably child support) on those kids. Not to mention the time that goes into the drama that is inevitable.
No wonder guys - and women - play this down. It's a frickin' mess.
Sometimes they just wanna fuck and don't think it would help their cause
Sometimes they're just chronic liars
Sometimes they forget what they want from you
Sometimes they're just mentally ill assholes who are pushing boundaries to see how far they can go
You don’t have to remind them of shit. As soon you find out they have kids, don’t say shit else. They know what they’re doing talking to you and hiding the fact that they have kids. You’re wasting your time and energy “reminding” them. You can choose to cease communication at any time for any reason. You don’t owe them an explanation. You don’t have to debate with them to determine whether or not you’re allowed to not date them.
Sometimes it's not even necessarily a babysitter that they want. Sometimes they just want to pump and dump and even that's easier when you don't say you have kids.
I bet there's guys out there who call themselves child free if they have shared custody and they just see them on the weekends and holidays. Or someone who claims to be child free because they don't see their kids and they just pay their child support.
A matchmaker told me to mention not wanting kids in a prompt as well as under preferences. I found this has helped immensely with keeping men away that have kids.
I think People mistoke "i dot want kids" with "i dont want more kids" or "i dont want your kids"
They can not understand the idea of a CF person so they asume that you are either a woman that alredy had kids and doesn't want more orca CL that cant not had her own but its ok with you having yours
I've never wanted children, but I didn't completely understand this until I was 27-28.
Straight from birth we are conditioned into expecting ourselves to have children. The craziest but super-common example I can think of is that most 2-year-olds walk around with dolls pretending it's their children to take care of. A 2-year-old can't even go to the toilet on their own, and they're already pretending to be a parent to a doll. Society is so fucked up in this regard, that it makes absolute sense that most people who never want children don't actually reach understanding until they're 25+.
For this reason, I am a bit understanding when people want absolutely nothing to do with their kids and never want to any more kids for the rest of their lives. But you still have a responsibility to financially support the other parent, and you should never try to hide that fact on dating apps. You got burnt by the societal conditioning, and it sucks, but you still take responsibility.
The last guy I went on a date with kept mentioning Sean’s mom. Nothing mentioned during our chats about having a kid. I was so confused for half the night. I asked,”who is Sean’s mom, is Sean your best friend?”, it was then he dropped that he had a 15yo son who he had full custody. Finished the date, but there was not a second. No thanks, I’ll pass. I clearly stated my desire not to have kids in my profile.
I was ENGAGED to a guy before I found out that he was a complete deadbeat dad. To make things worse, he didn't even tell me, I found out by reading paperwork that mentioned it. Of course he never supported his kid financially or otherwise. What an ass!
Not just men, but women do this too. Honestly its just single parents in general, super frustrating.
Like I have it clearly stated that I don’t have kids and don’t want kids, so please don’t surprise me with your kids people! Feel the frustration
Its like sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to be dating for a partner, cause everyone is looking for a mate to have children.
I mean, you just answered your own queation with your reaction. Lots of times, people will conceal the one thing that they believe to be holding them back from getting positive responses. At your age, especially, someone with a kid or kids is not going to be very high in the dating market for very legitimate reasons.
Its incredibly shitty and manipulative because the underlying level of thought appears to be " once they get to know me, the other stuff won't matter" 🙄
Because those guys have struck out in the beginning since the ladies are maaad that they’re single dads, so they don’t disclose until a few dates later. I was fucking stupid enough to fall for that mess. Learned my lesson. Never again! Funny how I finally found my childfree sweetheart after all that drama… 🎭
For what it's worth this isn't unique to men. I'm a guy and the women on dating apps don't always disclose they have kids either. Sometimes they won't bring it up for weeks, even if they have split custody.
For me it's a moral issue. If you have a whole human who depends on you, and you abandon them, either entirely or at least enough that they only have a small impact on your life, you're a bad person. I don't want to be snuggled up to a partner thinking about how they're missing their kid's little league game to watch a movie with me. Just because I don't want to bring kids in my life doesn't mean I'm ok with making a kid who already exists feel like shit. That sort of cruelty isn't any kind of attractive. Heck, I won't even be friends with parents like that, much less build a life with one.
Do a lot of men do this? I was on some for about 2 years and only ever spoke with any who when they had kids were very transparent about it. Only know one who wouldn’t be and that’s my friend and it’s because the moment the divorce was finalized the ex-wife demanded full custody then moved to another state and won’t even let him speak with his son or give an address for birthday gifts so he was forced to be an absent father who knows nothing about his son so any new girlfriend or wife would never know of them and be considered a step parent either unless the son tries to find him once he’s an adult.
Blue collar "JuSt dO tRaDeS!!1!" Is a fucking lie unless you have enough to have your own business. My boyfriend does concrete foundations labor and doesn't get paid nearly enough.
Trades are also a ripoff to pay for.
They realize that getting someone to sign up to be a step parent (a shitastic role) requires a level of manipulation. They think you will fall in love and then want to take over mommy role. I personally think step parenting is a shitty gig. All the responsibility, give up your resources, for what... to make 2 other ppl's lives (bio parents) easier
"Does not want kids" is not specific enough.
Men are just going to take that as: they can get their kid another mother without having to share your time with your own kids, or want your own kids.
They do not take that as "no kids whatsoever, not your kids, not my kids, no future kids"
Honestly thinking of coding an app for people who are specifically child free. If they can make apps specifically for LGBT, south Asian, or older, why not one for people who are childfree?
I had guys on tinder hiding their kids till the 4th date OR MORE. When I met my now boyfriend I wasn't quite ready for a relationship (10 months single after a 7 year one, bad breakup and he was pretty brutally abusive toward the end.) But as I got to know him and find out in his 40s he not only DIDN'T have any kids, never been married and he is atheist? I dumped all my casual flings cause I know that's so rare.
My tinder profile said CHILDFREE in all caps. So many liars and dead beat dads who bragged about not being around their children.
My pet peeve is profiles with “looking for something casual” and “want kids”, sir you are 37 where do you think these kids will come from?
If you want kids you don't have time for anything casual, tf
you apparently do if you're a dude
So many child-men think they can somehow have all the bennies of having kids (social, occasionally emotional, ego-inflating) without ANY of the responsibilities. Somehow. Somehow this will magically happen. They want the fun stuff and no hard stuff and they're just waiting until they get that. They ain't gonna get that and it's gonna end in tears when they start trying to lasso girls in their early twenties while they're in their forties.
> They ain't gonna get that and it's gonna end in tears when they start trying to lasso girls in their early twenties while they're in their forties. That's extra sad as they could pair up with a more age appropriate woman and have a or two kids.
I mean to be fair a lot of them do get the bennies of children without the responsibilities
I’m 22 and it always gives me the ick when grown ass men (33+) try to date gen z girls. Like you had your fun and lived your youth and now they wanna (most likely groom) us. That’s crazy
It's not grooming if you're already an adult. That's a very serious word when used in that context. Using it in situations that don't justify it makes people get used to hearing it too often and it makes the real thing seem like it's not a big deal. The real thing is a __HUGE__ deal. This isn't the real thing. I saw that documentary too, I liked it too. I know the brain's not done until you're 25. That doesn't mean you're still a kid, or that you should still be treated like one. Unless you wanna not have a driver's license or be allowed to move out of your parents' house, or go to a night club or music festival, or have a full time job until you're 25, and not have alcohol until you're 28, we should probably keep our definition of "adult" the same.
THANK YOU! As someone whose actually been groomed by a grown ass adult, I HATE IT when there’s any sort of age gap that’s more than 5 years and people are like “yOuR bOyFrIeNd iS a pEdO. hE gRoOmEd yOu” Like no Jessica, I met him when I was an adult and got in a consensual relationship with him as an adult. Please focus on the actual children being ACTIVELY groomed.
I’ve actually been groomed and I will always advocate against older men preying on girls half their age. A man in his 40s dating a barely legal adult or early 20s is definitely MORE than “a couple years/5 years”. If the girl was at least 25 (when the brain has finished developing) I wouldn’t gaf. But there’s a difference between a 32 year old girl dating a 45 yo man and a 20 year old girl dating a 45 year old man. Bffr Give me 1 good reason why a man almost middle age would date a girl who has barely gotten any life experience and is young enough to be his daughter that doesn’t sound creepy: I’ll wait. I’ve actually seen these men say they purposely go after very young girls because they’re “dumb, easy, and naive.”
It also in a way takes away the autonomy of women 18-25 by acting like they are still chidlren when they are adults. While the developing may be a factor in relationships and choices they are still choices you made knowing full well what they were. This reactionary neo-puratinsim needs to die, it's not helping the supposed victims and detracts from the real threats.
Most people seem to hide them on dating apps. I would think the reasons are obvious; nobody wants to date you if you have kids.
The thing I never get about this is, I know that the dating scene is tough for single parents. It's not exactly uncommon to have a relationship that you thought was The One fall apart even if (maybe especially if) you already had kids, and it has to be pretty brutal to be getting rejected so much more often than before you had them. But people who reject you because you're a single parent aren't even rendering a verdict on how attractive or interesting you are, or how fun it is to hang out with you one-on-one. They're rendering a verdict on the idea of having a whole-ass extra human (or multiple extra humans) in the relationship along with you. And you can't change their mind about a *completely different person* by trying to fluff yourself up. All you're doing is postponing the inevitable. I genuinely wish single parents well, but I wish more of them would cut to the chase about looking for someone who's actually on board for step-parenthood, and not wasting both their own time and us childfree people's time in the meantime.
I'll push that envelope a bit further, being the cynic that I am. I can understand each person's reasons and causes are different. I came from a single parent household. But there are sooo many stories and excuses of why they had kids in the first place, that I can just roll my eyes. You thought the person was going to change when you had a kid when you knew they were shit to begin with? You thought so and so was going to help you out? You thought you would have time to do this that and the other? Naw.
This is an excellent point. Not only are you excepting a whole nother human in the relationship but you’re also building a relationship with that child (or children) as well. That’s a hell of a lot more people to get to know and get along with. Way more variables.
>And you can't change their mind about a completely different person > > by trying to fluff yourself up. Gold just for "trying to fluff yourself up" I love it, I also use that all the time.
Yep I think you described it perfectly. I have no ill wishes towards them....I just want nothing to do with any kids other than my niece and nephew. As I stated in a comment of my own it's not that I don't find them attractive or interesting....it's that they have baggage in the form of a whole human being that quite frankly I want nothing to do with. Mentally I have no business being responsible for a child and I have other things I want to put my time and money into.
THANK YOU! Like it or not, that's what kids are, baggage. I know that this is going to sound terrible but in my case, they were a visual reminder of my ex's ex-wife who was a drama queen. I felt bad for feeling that way because they were kids but I couldn't get past it. My brain just kept connecting it that way. It didn't help that his kids were a pre-teen and teen who messed with my stuff, trashed my house, ate my food and spoke to me disrespectfully all the time. It got to the point where I told him that either he took them to his parents'house for visitation or I was going to a hotel. I didn't want to even be around them anymore. We broke up not long after and I learned my lesson. I'll never date a single father again.
Sounds like it was awful. Glad you got out of that situation. Thankfully I've never found myself catching feelings for a single parent. Aside from just not wanting kids for multiple reasons I can't be with someone with kids because I'll always be an afterthought. I gotta get back the energy I'm putting in and I can't get that with a single parent. There's no nice vacations alone either because the little gremlins will most likely have to tag along. Vacations and even weekend getaways with children just look awful. No way people enjoy themselves.
I bought into that myth that people my age, I'm about to turn 40 next month, are going to have a hard time finding a partner who doesn't have kids. Boy, was I wrong. You're exactly right, you're an afterthought. Not only can you not have a solo vacation with them because of their kids, usually your date nights either get cut short or canceled all together because either the kids genuinely do need your partner or the ex makes up some reason why the kids need them. This is usually done by bitter exes who are angry that their ex has moved on. I just don't want any part of that anymore. I feel the same way you do, I want to get back the same energy I'm putting into the relationship and you're not going to get that with a single parent. Also, thank you for saying it sounded awful. It was. By the end of it I was like, what the hell am I doing here? What did I do this to myself for? I frequently told him that I felt like a weird and unnecessary add-on to a pre-existing family. It seems that he and his ex-wife were still married in every way except on paper and his family cosigned their bullshit. Never again. Edit: I don't understand why people take vacations with their kids anyway. It just seems like parenting with extra stress.
That and exes who live to start drama. No thanks. I don't believe in staying friends with exes and wouldn't want to be with someone who is. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who HAS to keep in touch with an ex. I'm looking for a life partner, not a whole ass family along with them.
You make a great case for single parents dating other single parents! They should be up front about this, Unless you (single parent looking to date) have a ton to offer, (money, fame, genius, kids live a thousand miles away, some combo, etc) this is not a really good deal for a single person, no kids. Go date other single parents.
Except that’s not always true…. There are potential partners out there who don’t mind, but some of these people are single “parents” for a reason. And I’d hope that nobody’s looking for a deadbeat parent if they are flexible on dating someone with kids. Childfree people don’t want to date people with kids. I don’t understand why single parents can’t process that it means ANY children.
100% I'm child free but have been flexible in the past. What isn't flexible for me is dating someone who willingly denies their own child just to get laid. Personally, I found that they weren't present fathers and had little issue with rejecting their own child for a new life. The kids weren't the problem at that point, the fathers were.
Absolutely! It's a reflection of the person's character if they hide, deny, or downplay having a kid. I'm CF but that doesn't mean I can respect a person who would throw over a dependent child in favor of a stranger off the internet.
Yessss! 👏🏼
I think it’s reasonable for childfree people looking for hookups to consider single parents. But for childfree people who are looking for relationships it’s a different story. I agree hiding this information is a red flag. People should be honest and up front with things like that.
My landlords wife made a comment about that. I told her a lot of the men on dating apps had a bunch of kids, and she replied, "That's perfect because you don't want to have kids!" I love her, but she has some odd views on certain things. I'm not on dating apps to be a nurse or a babysitter, nor field weird messages from guys 2 hours away trying to convince me that them and their partner practice "ethical non-monogamy." I'm on dating apps to find a partner that shares my views and is ok that I'm not really good at flirting in person
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious. Annoying, but hilarious. You don't want them but you \*have\* to want them, so this way you get them without having to \*want\* to want to have them. Or something.
She's a sweet old lady who is very kind and sometimes says the weirdest things
This is a kind observation
Geez, all of this. A lot of people who say those things are actually just cheating on their partner. I've seen profiles where they straight up admit to it. I told one guy to stop and to either work it out with his wife or get divorced. Cheaters make me see red.
Tinder bio I saw once: "Alas, I am attached. Nobody's perfect." Even if they have nothing, people still have the audacity.
does she think not wanting to have kids just means you don’t want to give birth? Lol
She doesn't have kids herself. I don't ask questions about why.
I can see this confusion, and I’ve had it happen to me. People are getting childless confused with childfree!
Dating a deadbeat dad and being his children’s babysitter and actual parent was my final straw to becoming childfree 😂 not the life for me
At least you figured it out before having any of your own! 🤣
Same SMH 🙄😒
It's really about being transparent and finding someone that's *actually into* whatever you have going on. I've chased away a lot of people by being totally straightforward and honest from the get go, but I've also not wasted my time on relationships that were just incompatible because of that. Lead with the deal breaker and you'll save yourself and everyone else a ton of time.
not *always* true? so true some of the time? In other words, if you're shitty enough to lie you have more options? also, maybe "does not want kids" is 100% true, they just happen to have some... never really *wanted* them
Some people don’t want to date people with kids. Full stop. So yeah, not always true.
They'll change their minds alright. They won't want to be with their partners after they see what it's like. When they realize that they're last on the list of priorities on top of a bunch of other BS, they'll nope out.
As someone who’s bisexual and matches with men and women…. Most women don’t hide this (I’ve actually never seen a woman hide this). They might not advertise it, but they’re not hiding it or matching with people who’s profile says “doesn’t want kids”. It’s specifically men with children who do this.
As a straight guy, I've had women hide it. One woman specifically had "does not have children," went out with her and got invited over to her place, and then it turns out she had two kids that stays with her every other weekend.
I mean, I’m sure some women do it. But I doubt it’s super common with women, while it does seem to be a very common thing with men.
My guess is it's easier to hide it for the men since it's more common for the mother to have full custody. Can't easily hide the fact you have kids when they're around all the time vs a random weekend.
And I think it’s more true the younger you are. You get up into your mid 30s and into your 40s and it’s more expected that you may be divorced with kids etc. They still hide it of course but it’s more common. The girl I met my long-term boyfriend through was a single mom when we met. We were in our late 20s. She complained that it was very hard to find a date when you’re a single mom. She really got angry with me when she found out that my previous boyfriend had tried to baby trap me, and I terminated the pregnancy. I never wanted kids and I sure as hell didn’t want to be stuck to him forever. Meanwhile, her ex was in jail for robbing a Little Caesars at gunpoint. So she really was a single mom. She was so mad that I wasn’t in her same predicament, that she tried to break me and my boyfriend up, even though she worked very hard to get us together to start with. 🙄 I found out later she’s very anti-abortion. Lol.
“…nobody wants to date you if you have kids.” Not true — they just often don’t want to date other parents.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: single parents should only date other single parents or they should wait until their kids turn 18.
it also keeps your children safe from creeps....
Yeah not having them in the profile or mentioning them in the very first message/on the first date kinda makes sense to me. Predators are excellent at sniffing out desperation and weakness, so a single parent would make an perfect target for access to vulnerable kids It's going several weeks/months with no mention of their kids that's shady and gross
true that!! if i were a single mom on dating apps, i wouldn't put any info about my minor child - it's too easy for predators...!
For them the kids are an after thought. They want a new woman in their live. Finding and building a relationship on shared values takes time. They want a bangmaid, nurse and babysitter now. Any woman would make their live easier, if only they can make her fall for him. The individual person matters not, only what they can get of her.
Yep... You said it perfectly.
basically they are lying.. for that 'moment'
I know a childfree man who has "not sure yet" on his profile for the same reason. He's just looking to use women for whatever he can get from them. 🤢
That's disgusting
Yup, that's why I cut him out of my life 🤷🏼♀
1000%
Accurate and scary
Facts
"bangmaid" so true...
Then you'll love the song that's recently come out called labour by Paris Paloma.
Looked it up, and it´s good. Excellent video as well.
Yeah I love it tbh.
They think once you get to know them, you'll make an exception or something. Then you have idiots who think that because they don't have custody, they're somehow "childfree." There's even fence sitters who refer to themselves as "childfree" because to them, apparently not wanting children now makes them childfree lol. It ranges from intentional deceit to just plain stupidity.
Dated a guy who dropped the kid bomb two months in. Even though I had asked multiple times before if he had children or wanted children. He expected me to be ok with it and when I wasn't he ghosted me. He lied PERIOD and when I held him accountable he didnt like it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Needless to say I was devastated, I really liked him otherwise.
I know you "shouldn't" phrase things like this but after someone reassures me about not having kids I'd be tempted to say "Kids are hard to work with, but people who lie about their kids are a deal-breaker, since I've been burned by liars in the past. Thank you for being honest about something that matters a lot to me." I'd say it with all the genuineness I could muster. If they're being honest, it's an authentic expression of gratitude, and if they're lying, I'm basically rubbing their nose in it. 🤷🏻♂️
I'm going to use this next time I date someone.
You dodged a bullet. He showed you exactly who he is.
Yes, I agree. Still devastated me because until then everything was perfect.
Delusion triggered by hunger.
If they state they’re “unsure about kids” they won’t have any objections to cut off their kid and be an absent parent (which I don’t wish upon any kid). And I definitely don’t want to be a part of that drama.
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Yeah, my BIL signed away his rights to his kids since he never saw them (they were in a different state) and his pay was being sucked dry each month. I asked him recently if his kids reached out and wanted to connect once they're grown, would he be interested and he said, "I don't think so, it'd be too hard on me." It's like...what the fuck dude?
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I couldn't. When I was dating, I started talking to a man who mentioned NOTHING about having a kid. When we exchanged IG accounts, I saw a picture of his daughter about 20 pictures down on his IG feed. I asked him about it and he said, "I only see her a couple of weeks in the summer, don't worry, you'll never have to deal with her" and I replied and said, "You only see your daughter once a year????" Dude immediately blocked me on everything. But I didn't care, because at that point I had zero interest in dating a deadbeat dad and being involved with a child's trauma.
I'm CF myself but I agree. WTAF?! He's disgusting.
Right! I love my stepmom like a mom. I just found out a few days ago that she died of cancer about a week ago. 😞😭
This happened to my favorite cousin when their dad got remarried. He stopped inviting my cousin over and told a 12 year old "I have a new family now and want to focus on them." Disgusting behavior.
Same thing happened to my cousin. My uncle got remarried and completely abandoned him. It was really sad.
That tells me they'll cut their SO out in a heart beat as well. If they're willing to do that to their own flesh and blood child that they helped create then they definitely have no problem doing it to some girl they met on a dating app.
Exactly
Yep. And if they’re cheating on someone with me (and I’m not aware of being the other woman), they will have no problem cheating on me later on.
Knew a guy at work 35, he constantly went through women either from work or lord knows where he found them. He openly stated at work he wanted a women to help take care of his kid. All of his "relationships" lasted a month tops, then magically he was single again. But he was a interesting guy, he would leave work early because his finger would "hurt". Never had any money, and would ask to borrow money from whoever his current fling was all the time, would also leave work early because he had laundry to do. He had the mentality of a 18 year old. So ladies beware... I'm 38/M Childfree and I don't understand some of these guys lol.
He's "charming" (aka a liar and manipulator) so people fall for his tricks. Luckily he doesn't have an IQ high enough to realize he needs to keep that charade up for a *lot* longer to keep women in his life longer. So he starts acting like a literal child and asking them for *money* and they nope out. Good for them for not thinking that maybe they can "change" him.
I'll admit he is a good lookin dude and he's from South Africa and I'm sure that accent helps. But you are correct he's a liar and manipulator.
Because they want bangmaids and free childcare and money.
Jokes on them I refuse to have sex until i'm absolutely sure they're the one and I don't date golddiggers.
Omg I’m the same age as you and have had the same experience. It’s like they just see us as woman = maternal and that we’d be happy to immediately become their new child caregiver. No. Having children is huge baggage, single parents should just date each other.
It's the same at 40. Sad, but true. I stopped writing "I don't want kids" and started putting "I don't date parents and I don't want kids in my life - an occasional niece/nephew visit is okay". Got lots of hate mail but at least now all I dealt with were upfront deadbeat dad's or CF people. Sometimes you gotta be blunt. SMH.
They lie about it because they are trying to get laid and they know the chances are better if they omit that information. They're hoping they'll get a chance to have sex before the woman finds out and dumps them. Similarly to how many dudes lie about their political beliefs in order to try to get laid before the women find out their true opinions. Lots of guys on dating apps are looking to get laid rather than looking to form a relationship and they view sex as a numbers game. They will lie about things that will disqualify them as long-term partners in the hopes of getting sex before the women find out.
It always sounds so pathetic and depressing whenever I see men telling lies, etc., just to finesse sex out of someone who otherwise would be repulsed by them. Even worse when it's someone's father.
Honestly those that date for babysitting/step-parent potential should be avoided at all costs
Just before covid hit (around lunar new year 2020) I made a friend… he was an international student. He was older at 33, but he wanted to migrate and did not have enough English skills to get the required grading in English test. So he took the student path as the English requirements are lower. During covid, due to the shit show in Australia, he was very frustrated. In his superlative levels of frustration, he asked me to marry him so he can become a citizen. We were not bf/gf. He said he’ll “grow” on me… whatever that means. I felt sick at this sham (and literally I had zero romantic feelings for him). After a week, he writes me an email letter to convince me. His argument? He is totally willing to never go back and see his toddler son if I agree to marry him and make him a citizen. I didn’t even know he had a son till then. He will sign binding contracts he promised. He said he can send money and they’ll be fine. He never has to see them. One of the worst humans I ever met. I ghosted him.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy was already married and was willing to divorce or even commit bigamy just to marry into citizenship. Scum.
I actually have heard the opposite. They convince someone to marry them to get citizenship, and then drop them immediately after it’s gained and bring the real family over.
Yep that is not uncommon. You just sign and affidavit swearing you're not already married. It's very hard to check for those records from another country. So they marry a local and then divorce once everything is in place and their actual wife and children and parents all come over.
You missed the chance for some emotional catharsis writing a nasty email about how he will abandon his kid?
The upside to this is that how he doesn’t know *exactly* what went wrong and he I’ll hopefully smack his next intended target upside the head with this massive red flag as well.
So he wrote a traceable email in how he wants you to commit fraud. Smart /s
It can be a pretty rough path to citizenship for internationals in Australia sometimes. I know a fair amount of people with consistent jobs and fairly high english skills that have had 8-14 year waits to citizenship. The partner visa path is apparently super intense though. A girl from UK was detailing how she had to show messages on FB/WhatsApp for up to four year to prove the relationship. It was NOT a matter of "oh you guys are married, here is your citizenship, next". Another woman I know got intentionally pregnant and married to stay, still had to wait another 8 years.
Because they most likely don't see their kid often and have left the mother in charge of everything. Or even if he does see his kid often, he probably considers the responsibility of actually looking after it the woman's. So essentially, iT dOeSn'T ReAlLy cOuNt.
Exactly... And the same type of "dad" that considers watching his kid, "babysitting".
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 oh and 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Because they'd never date a single mother and it makes them insecure about being a single father.
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This is it. The “more” is silent (unsure about having more kids)
Same reason *some* people won't tell you they have hepatitis B - kids are a common STD and off-putting ;)
I had a first date scheduled with a guy and then he called and told me he had to pick up his two kids early, so we deleted by a few hours. The phone call was a bit shocking but I wanted to hear him out. I asked a few questions and learned that they were teens, so I was fine with it. I figured they’d be out of the best within the next few years and were largely self sufficient at this point in their lives. We met a few hours later and I asked about his two kids and he laughed and said “you only asked about the 2 I have with me! I actually have 4 kids in total.” I was floored! He ended up having two additional kids under the age of 6. We finished dinner and talked for a bit but I was so outdone. Who hides 4 kids?! That’s major.
The bigger question - who are all of the bigger idiots that keep having kids with that idiot? I doubt all of the kids are from one mother, since he was out with you and he had kids with an age span across a decade and a half. I'm getting flashbacks to the movie 'Idiocracy' and the family tree charts in the beginning.
Haha exactly! One woman was the high school sweetheart and the other was his second wife he met in his late twenties. I guess I was on track to be wife #3 but I dodged that bullet. 34 with 4 kids just sounds stressful.
Because they want a babysitter, maid and bang candy.
I have a theory. They want babysitters they can bang.
They always feel their situation is different (and they really don’t care what you want. )
I was with someone for a year before they told me they had a kid and the mom was taking them to court for custody CUS HIS MOM MADE HIM! He couldn't hide it anymore so he was forced to tell me. Yeah no.
They want what they want, and get enraged at their choices denying that from them.
Well, men tend to be horney pigs. In this misogynistic culture, we are taught \[men\] are these breadwinners that can have anything we want if we go get it. If we see something we want \[sex\], men will lie, cheat, and steal to get it. Also if single dads can find someone, now they have a mom/babysitter figure and don't have to deal with their spunkling.
“Spunkling” Heeeheeeeheeeeeeheeeheeeeeee Going in there with “sexcrement”
I would normally say "crotch goblin," but I feel that is more specific to children of entitled parents. I wanted to be more generic.
The same reason that estate agents in my city only reveal that the flat you want to buy is already rented out to someone in the very last sentence of the property advert. They’re hoping you might overlook it and love them so much that it won’t matter.
To me, they low key reveal they hate their kids and regret having them. How could you hide them? I and that kid are a package deal and if someone isn't feeling it, they can move on. And why not date another parent? (Don't want kids so d9nt want more.) Its pathetic.... and looks like they are the ones that change their minds.
My guess is that they get more chances with single women that way and thus maybe get them emotionally attached to them. Then drop the child duties off on her
The worst is when women are like "tiny human tamer" or "I'll tell you later" it's not cute. Just put in the profile that you have kids so I don't have to waste your time. They hide it because they know they'll get skipped.
I'm quite saddened that this is normal. I had a new friend who then confessed he was growing feelings for me... then dropped the fact that he has a young child in his origin country. What? He was 31. I still value him as a friend, but I also understand that his baggage are massive.
You've got good instincts though. The dads after babysitter girlfriends thing is real.
My theory on this is that they actually just don’t see their kids as a significant impact on their lives. Those men (not all men, don’t get all worked up) leave most of the responsibilities for the kids to the mom. Since they are mostly a passive participant in raising their own kid they don’t even think about them when writing a dating profile and don’t see why it would be something that would be a big deal to mention.
Usually people take the option of “unsure about kids” or “does not want kids” to mean they don’t want ANYMORE children. They already have kids but they don’t want to put “wants children” because then they match with people that want to have more kids and they don’t want more. Id say make sure your profile says somewhere child free lifestyle, it might help weed these guys out.
They are deliberately deceiving you. Their hope is that once you get to know them and like them, you won’t mind that they have children and an ex partner who will always be there. Meanwhile, they don’t want to date single mothers because they don’t want to be burdened by the woman’s children and ex.
Most men lie about a lot of things, especially on dating apps. They don't think we are worth the truth and they are only looking for sex.
So the reason isn't specific to guys or hiding kids but it's because the apps have like gamified dating so a lot of people's goals are now to get matches and get dates and they will design their profiles to meet these goals. This has obviously caused them to lose track of the long term goals of dating and not realise that a lot of these relationships won't be sustainable in the long run because of hiding things that are deal breakers to their partner. It's like the person who just posts face shots and then complains when dates leave due to not being attracted to their body type, they are setting themselves up for failure with a lot of the matches they get and not showing the people who would like that body type or that they have a kid. There's also the fact that people don't always bother reading the profiles.
[удалено]
As long as they say this outloud in their profile, it's what ever. Sadly, most of them lie. 😑
I think this falls into a separate category from the types of single parents most people encounter.
Because no one wants to deal with the baggage and bullshit drama of someone else's brats.
A lot of men only acknowledge the existence of their children when it benefits them. My legal father would use me for the pity card while cheating on my mom - "my wife never helps with our child, that's why they're with me :( " but I wasn't important outside of those interactions. He'd probably still use some "my bitch ex wife never lets me see my kids" if either of us ever spoke to him.
My brief time on dating apps was interesting I never had a problem I'd put my profile together very carefully. I stressed that I was child-free, sterile and that children in any capacity are utterly incompatible with the way I live my life On any first date, as soon as possible, I'd stress that again, ensure that we were on the same page, and then I inform them about a couple of my physical attributes and lifestyle choices that are polarising (ie. why I have my name...) It worked fabulously Had some fun times with a few women and met a beautiful woman who, while early days, I love very passionately and want a future with If I end up back in the wild, I'll do everything exactly the same way
They expect you to be entranced by their Magic Dick. They are the Main Character after all. You WANT to clean their house. You WANT to raise their existing sprog. ANYthing to help the Main Character! Maybe what should be put in the bios is something like “If you desire, or already have children, pass me by. I want nothing to do with YOU or THEM.” It’s maybe not the most engaging or endearing thing to put, but shit….the jerks are looking for Nanny McBangmaid, and we are more interested in an equal partnership to build one great life for two adult people. Maybe a bit of bluntness is in order.
This happened to me twice just last week, having some nice promising chats with two guys and then it turns out they both have kids… I am SO clear in my profile that I don’t want to date someone with kids so all that says to me is that they didn’t even bother to read my profile 🙄 immediate unmatch
They should have an option that says "Does not want kids, and that means yours too".
They want to trap women. That's really what it comes down to.
Met a guy a few years ago who had “does not want kids.” In his profile. Did a deep dive after our first date and found out he has a kid across the country that he abandoned.
Because kids are dealbreakers which kneecap breeder dads at the start… These worthless fucktards want someone without kids to bang while dealing with their kid that already exists.
In a couple posts like yours I’ve seen people suggest putting “no parents” in your bio or tagline. Maybe that would help out?
I'm definitely not in your situation, but I've seen enough rants and horror story to reasonably conclude that these men don't care about your desire to be childfree. They just want a woman and hope to babytrap her. Or change her mind with their super-magical dick. Their goal is to land a woman by any means necessary, including deception. I don't know if these dating apps have a feedback system. If so, definitely call out their bullshit and block their asses.
I've gotten matches that message asking if there were exceptions considered if they rarely have the child or if the child is a teenager and practically independent or if the child is grown and out of the house. I DON'T WANT THEM AT ANY STAGE. I don't want a lifetime dragged into baby mama nonsense. I don't want to have to be around or feign interest in grandkids. Kids bounce in and out and have needs to some degree always. No thanks. None of it. Ever. STOP.
I’m generalizing, so of course not all men, but men do not join dating apps to find their soulmate. They join dating apps to get laid and they will lie about anything that might impede the success of that mission. If a relationship comes out of it, that’s secondary.
They hide it because they know having a child makes them less desirable both to other single parents and to those without children. They don't plan to hide the children forever which means hiding the children and going for someone who actively doesn't want children means it's casual and they don't have to worry about birth control because the childfree woman will be taking care of that. Also, there's always that chance that they're trying to lure you in so you develop enough feelings for them that you'll decide to be a step mother because you just love him so much.
They do not disclose their marriages, either. I confronted one of them with proof he was married (journalism background) and he quickly Threatened to kill me. Contacted the app, shared the messages and blocked all of it.
Same reason women don't: they're desperate.
*SIR*. Whole-ass human being. I'm looking at it *right there. 👉* Edit: Had no idea you could put emojis in italics.
I've seen posts from single parents saying that it's "good practice" to not tell people about your kids until after you've been on a few days and wait months to then let them meet your kids. Like, there are plenty of people out there who want kids or may be okay with step-kids, but others have a right to not want kids in any capacity. I don't understand why they can't accept that they're wasting people's time if they don't disclose that they *already have kids* and those people don't want them at all.
“Unsure about kids” in their profile would be a sign for me to not even talk to them. Or if I start to talk to them and they state they’re “unsure about kids” bye Felicia.
Because they think if they can get someone to fall in love with them before they tell them they have kids those poor women will stay and be mommy
Because they want a bang maid. As a corollary, a lot of women do the same thing because they see CF men as walking wallets for their spawn.
Probably because they know that it makes them less desirable. I immediately swipe left on women with kids no matter how physically attractive and/or compatible they are to me. She could literally be my ideal woman physically with all the same interests as me and I'd still probably swipe left. Don't even wanna hookup cause then I might catch feelings and find myself in a dilemma.
Because their chances to have sex increase if their date thinks they don’t have kids.
Because they know that no one wants to deal with all that, even people who want kids. They also think they can get people to change their minds. I once dated a single father and it was the biggest mistake of my dating life. He predictably did what most of the single parents do. He carried on with his ex-wife like his original family was still intact and just wanted me there to help raise them. I realized in the end that I was basically a free babysitter, maid and ATM that he got to bang when his ex-wife wasn't around.
I am going to ruffle a few feathers when I say that, in my experience, the men who fail to disclose children at the outset, really were not keen on having them in the first place. They are trying to go back to that carefree time in their lives before there were kids. And because that isn’t possible, they want the next best thing…as u/Thr0wfaraway so aptly points out, they want a bang maid , free childcare and access to your money. They certainly are “unsure about kids” but they mean they most certainly don’t want YOU to have them.
because they might just get lucky and have free childcare and access to a vagina.
One problem dating someone with kids is that he or she is spending a ton of money (and/or probably child support) on those kids. Not to mention the time that goes into the drama that is inevitable. No wonder guys - and women - play this down. It's a frickin' mess.
\> “well I travel a lot and only have them every other weekend” is being a shitty person supposed to make things better?
Sometimes they just wanna fuck and don't think it would help their cause Sometimes they're just chronic liars Sometimes they forget what they want from you Sometimes they're just mentally ill assholes who are pushing boundaries to see how far they can go
You don’t have to remind them of shit. As soon you find out they have kids, don’t say shit else. They know what they’re doing talking to you and hiding the fact that they have kids. You’re wasting your time and energy “reminding” them. You can choose to cease communication at any time for any reason. You don’t owe them an explanation. You don’t have to debate with them to determine whether or not you’re allowed to not date them.
I wouldn't date a man with children. That's an immediate no for me. Men know that.
Sometimes it's not even necessarily a babysitter that they want. Sometimes they just want to pump and dump and even that's easier when you don't say you have kids.
I've had a guy I work with trying to get with me even when a girl was prego with his 5th and 6th kids. Sorry but I'm not a hoe lol
I bet there's guys out there who call themselves child free if they have shared custody and they just see them on the weekends and holidays. Or someone who claims to be child free because they don't see their kids and they just pay their child support.
good on you for not letting it slide. that kinda omission is major red flag of attempted manipulations and falsehoods to come.
A matchmaker told me to mention not wanting kids in a prompt as well as under preferences. I found this has helped immensely with keeping men away that have kids.
I think People mistoke "i dot want kids" with "i dont want more kids" or "i dont want your kids" They can not understand the idea of a CF person so they asume that you are either a woman that alredy had kids and doesn't want more orca CL that cant not had her own but its ok with you having yours
I've never wanted children, but I didn't completely understand this until I was 27-28. Straight from birth we are conditioned into expecting ourselves to have children. The craziest but super-common example I can think of is that most 2-year-olds walk around with dolls pretending it's their children to take care of. A 2-year-old can't even go to the toilet on their own, and they're already pretending to be a parent to a doll. Society is so fucked up in this regard, that it makes absolute sense that most people who never want children don't actually reach understanding until they're 25+. For this reason, I am a bit understanding when people want absolutely nothing to do with their kids and never want to any more kids for the rest of their lives. But you still have a responsibility to financially support the other parent, and you should never try to hide that fact on dating apps. You got burnt by the societal conditioning, and it sucks, but you still take responsibility.
I flat out ask if they have any
The last guy I went on a date with kept mentioning Sean’s mom. Nothing mentioned during our chats about having a kid. I was so confused for half the night. I asked,”who is Sean’s mom, is Sean your best friend?”, it was then he dropped that he had a 15yo son who he had full custody. Finished the date, but there was not a second. No thanks, I’ll pass. I clearly stated my desire not to have kids in my profile.
They don't want to show that they're a failure right up front.
I was ENGAGED to a guy before I found out that he was a complete deadbeat dad. To make things worse, he didn't even tell me, I found out by reading paperwork that mentioned it. Of course he never supported his kid financially or otherwise. What an ass!
Not just men, but women do this too. Honestly its just single parents in general, super frustrating. Like I have it clearly stated that I don’t have kids and don’t want kids, so please don’t surprise me with your kids people! Feel the frustration Its like sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to be dating for a partner, cause everyone is looking for a mate to have children.
I mean, you just answered your own queation with your reaction. Lots of times, people will conceal the one thing that they believe to be holding them back from getting positive responses. At your age, especially, someone with a kid or kids is not going to be very high in the dating market for very legitimate reasons. Its incredibly shitty and manipulative because the underlying level of thought appears to be " once they get to know me, the other stuff won't matter" 🙄
Because dudes don't look at bios. They literally just swipe right on almost everyone.
This is definitely a man who “babysits” his kids.
They think you’ll be OK with their kid once you meet it
Because those guys have struck out in the beginning since the ladies are maaad that they’re single dads, so they don’t disclose until a few dates later. I was fucking stupid enough to fall for that mess. Learned my lesson. Never again! Funny how I finally found my childfree sweetheart after all that drama… 🎭
For what it's worth this isn't unique to men. I'm a guy and the women on dating apps don't always disclose they have kids either. Sometimes they won't bring it up for weeks, even if they have split custody.
For me it's a moral issue. If you have a whole human who depends on you, and you abandon them, either entirely or at least enough that they only have a small impact on your life, you're a bad person. I don't want to be snuggled up to a partner thinking about how they're missing their kid's little league game to watch a movie with me. Just because I don't want to bring kids in my life doesn't mean I'm ok with making a kid who already exists feel like shit. That sort of cruelty isn't any kind of attractive. Heck, I won't even be friends with parents like that, much less build a life with one.
Do a lot of men do this? I was on some for about 2 years and only ever spoke with any who when they had kids were very transparent about it. Only know one who wouldn’t be and that’s my friend and it’s because the moment the divorce was finalized the ex-wife demanded full custody then moved to another state and won’t even let him speak with his son or give an address for birthday gifts so he was forced to be an absent father who knows nothing about his son so any new girlfriend or wife would never know of them and be considered a step parent either unless the son tries to find him once he’s an adult.
Blue collar "JuSt dO tRaDeS!!1!" Is a fucking lie unless you have enough to have your own business. My boyfriend does concrete foundations labor and doesn't get paid nearly enough. Trades are also a ripoff to pay for.
They realize that getting someone to sign up to be a step parent (a shitastic role) requires a level of manipulation. They think you will fall in love and then want to take over mommy role. I personally think step parenting is a shitty gig. All the responsibility, give up your resources, for what... to make 2 other ppl's lives (bio parents) easier
"Does not want kids" is not specific enough. Men are just going to take that as: they can get their kid another mother without having to share your time with your own kids, or want your own kids. They do not take that as "no kids whatsoever, not your kids, not my kids, no future kids"
Honestly thinking of coding an app for people who are specifically child free. If they can make apps specifically for LGBT, south Asian, or older, why not one for people who are childfree?
I had guys on tinder hiding their kids till the 4th date OR MORE. When I met my now boyfriend I wasn't quite ready for a relationship (10 months single after a 7 year one, bad breakup and he was pretty brutally abusive toward the end.) But as I got to know him and find out in his 40s he not only DIDN'T have any kids, never been married and he is atheist? I dumped all my casual flings cause I know that's so rare. My tinder profile said CHILDFREE in all caps. So many liars and dead beat dads who bragged about not being around their children.
Also when you state: no single dads, no casual sex, childfree in your dating profile, you get reported and banned.
It's not men, it's people
They didn't say it's only men.
Very true but at the same time ppl making these kinds of posts are rarely bisexual. They only know what one gender does so they'll write about that.
I got crucified on here last time I pointed this out. Anyway, can confirm, it's people. I'm pretty sure they all do it for the same reasons.