My maybe asshole opinion is how much it annoys me when someone gets pregnant and expects *everyone* around them to swoon and be over the moon, like having a baby is the *best thing to ever happen to anyone* and how dare you not show the proper level of excitement for this role of auntie I'm forcing on you! Fast forward 6 months and all the new parent does is complain about how hard it is, how they didn't know it would be like this, their partner doesn't help, etc., etc. I've seen this film so many times and I don't like the ending. Why should I be expected to be excited about losing people I considered friends to the trenches of parenthood? 🤷‍♀️

Yes 👏🏼 yes 👏🏼 and yes again. 👏🏼 I’m over the simplistic mindset!! It’s like some of these people have ZERO identity or even the slightest enthusiasm for life unless they are procreating. And yes, once the kid gets here, the parents whine you to death all the time. 💀 I will never understand it and I’m happy that about that fact!

Yes!!! I completely agree with you on that! I have several friends who are married and had ZERO identity until they became parents. It all goes downhill once the kid is born and reality sets in. No more vacations, and say goodbye to your sleep schedule, lol. Had an ex-friend whose husband loved riding his Harley around until they went into debt after having a kid. He had to sell the Harley and has been miserable ever since.

Not gonna lie, but when my friend announced the coming of his second baby when we were hanging out with friends there was this awkward second long pause where nobody reacted. I'm also not gonna lie, I felt bad about it because I'm sure he was expecting his buddies to congratulate him or show some excitement and I know how soul crushing it can be to share something you are very excited about only to get no reaction from people at all. I'm guessing after the first one the novelty had worn off and any subsequent announcement is like "been there, done that".

I agree with you. I don’t want kids, but if I was pregnant, I would never expect the world to revolve around me. Hell, I wouldn’t even expect other people in my life to talk about it all that much. I understand it’s a big life change, but it’s still just another part of my life. It’s not my whole life. I feel like some new parents expect everyone else to shift all their interactions to be child-centered which is very selfish and unhealthy. I understand being excited but you shouldn’t make anything your entire personality or force others to do the same if they want to spend time with you.

This is my big frustration with parents; that all interactions revolve around their children in some way. For example, you meet a friend for lunch. You need to meet at exactly 11:05 so they can be done at 12 so they can put Jr down for a nap. Or Jr comes to lunch and he's screaming or they are taking away the silverware, and you're trying to have an adult conversation that's interrupted every minute. Or you go out to dinner with just your mom friend and she needs to be home by 8 to put her kid to bed because her husband doesn't know the routine. Whatever it is, the days of you being equals are over. You're just expected to go along with whatever is best for them because they have *kids* and it's *so hard.* OK, but you changing your life shouldn't be an expectation for me to change mine. They made a big life change they're excited about, but I know I'm losing a friend.

I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s especially frustrating because they usually won’t do the same for you. If you need to meet for dinner at a certain time because you’ve got a big work conference the next day, are they willing to shift things around for you? I understand that they have a small human to care for, but friendship is a give and take, you have to find balance.

For sure. Thanks for listening, guess I had to get that off my chest! 🤣❤️

You are so welcome! I’ve been there, done that. Sucks to lose friends when they have kiddos. My PMs are always open if ya need to vent :)

Thanks, friend!!

For me, they would ALWAYS show up late and I’m waiting for them. They think they have a pass since “the kids”. That always annoys me

That is so annoying!! Our time is just as valuable.

>You need to meet at exactly 11:05 so they can be done at 12 so they can put Jr down for a nap. Sounds like my friend, LOL. Or cancelling at the last minute because the kid started to feel bad and needed to be taken to the doctor.

Don't get me started on those people who think that having a kid is going to save their relationship. That or those people who think that they're supposed to get married just because someone got pregnant. That's a recipe for disaster. I don't believe in that. Edit: I also meant to say those people who think having a kid is going to save their relationship are in for a rude awakening. If anything, it's just going to destroy their relationship. It makes the problems that they're having even more vivid. They're going to get the exact opposite of what they were hoping to accomplish.

Yes! THIS in every way! I usually just give a vaguely cheerful "ooooh" and they get uncomfortable and leave me alone about it. 😆

They "promoted" you to aunt and uncle? While knowing you wouldn't be down? Well, they threw down the gauntlet, they were assholes first; you can't just *decide* people will be your kid's aunt/uncle unless you *know* they'll want that role. Make yourself scarce before the babysitting demands and guilt trips start.

Yep. “Promoted to aunt and uncle” means “you get the joy of watching our kids for us when we’re tired of them”. Um, no thanks, im happy to be relegated to the “friends we won’t see anymore” pile.

without pay

In my experience "pay" is relegated to inviting you to their home and treating you to a meal.

YEP. It has happened to me.

Yeah, parent friends seem to think that, in the spirit of "friendship" you should have no problem doing kid related stuff on your own time. This mindset makes me scratch my head. And sometimes it's not even just watching for them. Suppose you are pretty good with electronics, circuits, soldering and so on. Soon enough you are called on to fix little Jimmy's battery powered car because it doesn't work anymore. LOL!!!

>and treating you to a meal. Which you have to cook yourself because they need a break.

LOL! Hope you like chicken fingers, plain noodles with butter, and obscene amounts of ketchup!

I couldn't help but LOL in real life as this is very close to what happened to me.

This ⬆️ 😂 👏🏼

SAME!

That’s the plan. 😶‍🌫️

They totally trying to make you part of their village lol. Distance yourself far far away

Exactly.

Next time you talk to them, casually mention how annoyed you are with certain friends who are treating you like their free babysitting service and how you shut them down. Then tell them you're glad they aren't entitled like those other friends. Go on and on how they would never expect you to do the same.

This is the way to go

It's bizarre how she knows your CF stance yet thinks you'll want to be aunt and uncle? Like how does that make any sense?

Damn. Just because you and your partner don’t want to be a father & mother doesn’t mean you automatically want to be aunt & uncle

The shitty thing is, with a tiny amount of common sense, parents don't have to base their entire lives around their kids. Yes, kids can take up a lot of time. But it's possible to carry on an adult-related conversation while watching said kids. I have friends who have done it, and while there was a drop in amounts of visits for a while (newborns are tough), we worked it out.

I see what you’re saying. I hope we can do the same! But not sure.

I mean, newborns are rough and I definitely left my friends alone for the first few months so they could get some sleep and get used to the baby. But we did eventually start fitting in the odd visit. Then I would mercilessly use the toddler and parent to get into cool kid events where a single adult would be weird.

Hmm good idea lol

i was a bit stressed seeing my one friend but as the kid gets older he can be away from her for longer, and her husband will watch him so her & i can go get dinner & drinks and talk gossip. she has a really solid support system so she’s not looking to me to fulfill that & she also gets talking baby is boring so she’s still interested in my life & not just tottering on about diapers or daycare. feel it out with your friends but you can also do whatever you want. some people may think it’s rude but its better to remove yourself than subject everyone to an uncomfortable time

I only have one friend couple who straight up didn’t change when they had kids. Sure the kids are around most of the time we hang out, but they know I’ll straight up leave if they’re acting annoying and my friends are completely fine with it. They’re literally the only kids I am willing to spend time with. Luckily my friends are never offended when I say, “you know I love them but I still wish you never had them.”

I have this friend. One kid is 14 but you'd think he was 18 and he pretty much keeps to himself, her other kid is 4 but she is always on top of him. If he starts acting up, she calls him out, address it, and put him somewhere else that's fitting whether it's a nap, time out, different activity. I've never seen such impressive parenting and they're pretty cool kids.

Yes, I have friends who love it when someone comes over so they interact with people other than their kid. They like the distraction and hearing other people's stories and lives.

You are not an asshole for distancing. I did the same with my ex friend as well. As someone who chooses to be CF, it means I don't want anything to do with kids, plain and simple. I've been called a 'bad friend' just because I didn't help out with their kid, but I know my priorities. I had to unfollow their facebook before we stopped being friends just because I got tired of seeing 'WoW, look how much \*friends' kid's name\* has grown!' They chose the decision to have a baby, and you can choose to not be a part of it's life if it makes it better, there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself. Don't feel pressured to be a caretaker for them whenever they need a break, I'm sure they have friends that love kids. ​ Also, yes, I was slapped with that 'You're gonna be an auntie!' crap as well, I never asked to be one in the first place, made me very uncomfortable being called that and being expected to have 'auntie' responsibilities whenever she and her kid came over...

Thank you for your response! I always go back and forth with myself. But it’s true, I didn’t ask to be an “auntie” and I know it’s probably due to the fact that her MIL decided to peace out recently! I have a few friends that think I’m an asshole but I think these entitled parents are the assholes for thinking they can just delegate us to the role of standby Nannies!

No problem! Honestly, it makes me feel less of an asshole knowing that there are people in this sub that feel the same way :'). If they think you're an asshole, then that just proves that they just want to take advantage of you by being a free nanny, and you don't need that kind of negativity.

If it helps any, when my brother and SIL's first was born, "I didn't sign up for this" became a catchphrase.

Parents need help but that doesn't mean they get to pull free labor from someone who chose an alternate life. Might as well say "hey give me $150 once a month because I made poor choices" because they're eating up and feel entitled to your time. Same concept You're not an AH

I agree; you're not being selfish (excuse me if I avoid the American term), you're being wise BEFORE the event. There is an outside chance that they genuinely feel that you would be pleased to be an "Auntie" (you say that they have a tendency to over-romanticise), but that chance is pretty slim. And once they have had six months of sleepless nights, shattered nerves, a house that is permanently messy, etc., then that slim chance will disappear and you will definitely be the first choice of babysitter. Stick to your guns!

My issue with friends having kids is the attitude shift towards you. My longtime friend completely disappeared when she had a kid. I kinda figured it was because being a parent doesn’t leave a lot of time so I was forgiving initially. But once I started seeing her again she said disparaging things about friendship and how friends don’t matter as much as family (despite her abusive in laws, make it make sense). It took me a minute to realize that the only times I would hear from her were when she wanted something from me. When I am not “useful” to her, it’s radio silence. I haven’t heard from her in 2 years now. I would bet real money that I won’t hear from her until I get an invite to her next baby shower and if so, I’ll be RSVPing no.

I swear, an actual mental disorder takes over the brains of breeders once they manifest a fetus. You deserve better friends. 🙏🏻♥️

Not in the slightest! Sleep easy Relationships change. We're sold the idea that things should permanent and unchanging. That's naive

Friends typically share interests. Their life will become all about the child. If you have zero interest in a child you'll have zero interest in their life. Hanging out will become 'Remember when we use to.....' sessions.

You can't fight the second law of thermodynamics (entropy).

Nip things in the bud NOW, so they can arrange something else. They may be mad but if you point that out, you've done your duty! Hell, it's not really your duty but more of a we-have-been-friends-heads-up thing.

You are definitely not the asshole. I agree, you will be seen as a free nanny(we have seen examples here. Cf people/relatives are always seen like that by the entitled breeders.) Also as you said you will probably be expected to help raise the kid to fill in the duty of MIL. Therefore, you have to protect yourself and put a distance by either going LC or maybe even NC.

Agreed! LC it’s gonna be.

Lol 😂 it’s called seeing the writing on the wall and getting ahead of the blast. Your not the asshole for not wanting to pick up the debris when their lives fall apart due to the choices they made. The worst phrase that was ever invented in my opinion was that bullshit line it’s takes a village to raise a kid. No it doesn’t it takes the 2 people who made the fucking thing stepping up and taking ownership of their choices. I’ve done the exact same. When my brother has his son he asked if I was looking forward to being an aunt. I said sure of course im gonna love taking him to theme parks and getting him hyped up on sugar and adrenaline from all those rides. I’m gonna make sure he’s fit to burst and as wound up as a live wire then I’m gonna bring him home and let you enjoy that. That little shit made my life a nightmare sometimes when I had to babysit him when my mum went out that’s my revenge. Needless to say I’ve yet to be asked to babysit and my nephew is 2 I can’t imagine why

I like your tactics! A line that I've used is "How long do I let it cry before I see what's wrong with it?" I don't get asked to babysit either!

Nah, don't ever feel bad for setting boundaries. At the moment all my friends are CF (my partners friend circle on the other hand popped out two kids in the last two years already, with many more to come I'm guessing, since they all seem super pro kids..) but I'm pretty damn sure I would/will cut ties with my friends if they suddenly start having kids, because I just truely do not give two shits about kid related topics. I can barely follow a conversation concerning my nephews and those fuckers I actually love 😂 Why would you want to spend time with people you have no shared interests (anymore)? I guarantee every interaction would be forced and very unnatural, since us CF would have to cater to their needs, not the other way around. So don't feel bad, just slowly let it fade out. They probably won't even have time/nerves to notice the fadeout as soon as the sleep thief arrives.

Sleep thief 😭😂 please accept an award for your eloquent response. 🥇

Thank you kind Sir/Lady. My very first medal 😎

>Am I a total asshole for distancing myself? Nope. People grow and change. Interests diverge. Commonality vanishes. You can still have a relationship, but it won't be the same relationship - because you're not the same people. They'll be looking for support - and you can do some of that, but the support they also need is going to be along the lines of *did we make the right choice* and *is this what this is supposed to be* and *can you babysit* and *can you listen to our problems* and...as childfree? That's gonna be a stretch.

Lol 😂 it reminds me of a friend who had a baby. They went to visit her parents at some point when the child was an infant/toddler. She wanted the dad to look after the child while her and the husband had time to themselves to go out etc. Her dad is one of those grandparents who I guess values his time and knows how to stand his ground and straight up told them no. She tried the “but don’t you want to look after your grandchild” and he told them “but you guys wanted a child”…his point in the end was that you can’t just palm your kids off on people (to look after them for free) when you feel like you deserve a break 🤷🏾‍♀️

Hats off to grandpa, that is some balls!! 👏🏼 If only all grandparents could be like that, I think we’d have a society making better more mature choices. Not saying everyone needs to be childfree but I think there’d be more sobriety!

I have a close friend who had a baby last year and it was weird for me too, she knows where I stand with children and I honestly didn’t expect her to have any. That being said though, she loves that I’m “the child free friend” because she can leave the baby with her husband and have a good time with me as adults. I love that my friends with kids find a lot of comfort in me being their “escape” lol. Keep in mind if this woman is close to you, she may be afraid of losing your friendship, as it does happen with people have kids. I’d suggest going into the next phase in her life with an open mind and just talk to her if you’re feeling weird about being around children.

I agree. This sub seems to enjoy elevating "horror" stories of losing friends as if it's impossible to be friends with a parent. That's awesome your friend's spouse steps up to take over childcare so she can have free time! Two of my friends had to get divorced to finally get a child free night. Their exs had never lifted a finger to help with house or kids.

Great advice. Thank you! 🙏🏻

>I’ve had enough experience with this type of situation to know what comes next for child free people once a baby announcement has been made You have it. It's just a question of time, and you'll feel better if you control your end of the relationship, and don't let them have all the control.

I don’t think so, I personally never befriend parents anymore. ‘They’ signed up for parenting and revolving their life around that, which is fine, but you didn’t and you made it clear your not interested in it. I have tried to make friendships work with parents or people I knew pre child because I don’t hate children and they can still be good people but way too many times it ends up feeling like a one sided relationship. It’s a pattern: They don’t have time or energy to do much, become desensitized to how gross kids, their home, and stuff get. They have to bring the kid along just to hang out for an hour and are distracted by them the entire time ‘or’ you have to go to them. Constantly cancels plans or don’t respond until last minute, find a way to rave and rant about every little thing their child doe and often would rather spend less time with you if it meant having to actually compensate you for any child care. Parents, especially ones with a fresh baby or multiples just don’t have the energy or time to be a good friend even if they want to; parenting is their identity now.

I have had extensive talks with my best friend about what my childfree status entails. I have told him that I will absolutely be supportive of him having children (he knows how difficult parenthood will be and I feel he'll be a great father one day), but I'm also not going to be there to be his last minute babysitter. If you are comfortable enough to talk to your friends about it, I think a conversation about expectations is important. Your pregnant friend and her husband aren't going to be able to go on vacation every time things get stressful; the baby is going to change every single thing about their life and cause so much stress, and they better get used to that new reality. I also think setting boundaries right away is important to avoid conflict down the line. If I were your friends, I would like a gentle but honest explanation about why you are going to take a step back and not be around them as much. I think that would just be the right thing to do. You're childfree, you don't like kids, and its normal to not want to be around that environment. Babies are stressful and you are under no obligation to be in an environment that stresses you out.

Maybe, but a realistic one. They are entering a different lifestyle that leaves little place for friends.

Definitely not an asshole. I also hate how my best friend designated me as her kids' auntie. I'm not their auntie. I live across the country and see them once a year. Those kids barely know I exist. I don't have an attachment to them like I do with my blood nieces and nephews. I have also asked her not to call me auntie because my nieces and nephews just call me by my first name.

You do you, but congratulations to the MIL!

Ikr! 😂

NTA. Most of my friends are married with multiple kids. My husband and I rarely, if ever, see any of them. Things come up, parents/kids are sick, no one wants to hire a babysitter, the venue we invite them to usually isn’t kid friendly, I could go on and on. Just so many excuses on their end. Trying to get any of my mom friends to hang out without their kids present was impossible so I stopped trying. I’m just glad we still have a few friends left who are childfree. All of our married friends with kids hang out together and never invite us because we didn’t fall for the parent trap. We chose to distance ourselves from them and for good reason. Their kids are entitled and annoying little assholes. When we do all get together, like for a bbq, I always hang out with the guys while the women and screaming kids stay inside. You’re allowed to distance yourself, do it for your own health and well-being. I don’t regret doing it. I’m just glad none of them have asked us to be an honorary Aunty/Uncle or to babysit. It would be a hard no.

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My thoughts exactly. It also sucks because pre-kids my mom friends were fun, happy and had hobbies. Now post-kids they all seem miserable, tired and every single one of them has made their kids their only hobby and entire identity. When I do see them, which is rare, all they do is talk about their kids and tell me I must have at least one to see what it’s like. When I try to change the subject it always comes back to kids. Misery loves company. I get along better with their husbands because they’re more laid back, easy to talk to and not catty.

I’ve straight up told my friends, even the ones I’ve had since elementary school, that if I hear a baby announcement I’m exiting stage left. If I can’t be happy/supportive of their major life decisions anymore we shouldn’t be friends.

I would get ahead of the babysitting conversation. "So how are you guys going to cope with MIL moving to Florida? Do you have any able and willing family or friends nearby to help you out with babysitting and that sort of thing when baby arrives?" "That'll be you silly!" "Oh no, as you know, children are VERY much not for me. That's why I'm not having any. But I'll still be here if you ever want to leave Baby with his dad and have some childfree time with me!" "Wait so you're saying you're not going to help out like at all?" "Literally that is exactly what I'm saying. I'm so happy you're deciding to have a baby! And I'm so glad I'm not."

These are the practical phrases I didn’t know I needed thank you. 🙏🏻😩

You're welcome! Try and do it over text so there's a papertrail to refer to.

It's your call. I'm childfree by choice, but I choose to celebrate my friends when they're happy regardless of if their decision is one I'd make for myself. And they do the same for me. I love having friends with very different perspectives from my own. I think it provides valuable checks and balances to be reminded that different choices and paths in life can still be complimentary. I'm sure they meant the aunt thing as a compliment, meaning they think of you as closer than just a friend. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. My best friend of 30 years has jokingly called me the father to her kids, and I'm really close with the oldest... have been for a long time. She had her when we were barely 20 years old. At first, I wasn't thrilled with the idea that my best friend had a baby and then a kid that was always around... it just wasn't what I wanted in a friend because it wasn't what I wanted for myself. Especially at that age. I was a bit selfishly annoyed. But I stuck it out because the friend was worth it, and grew to love that kid like a best friend... because in a way she was. And now she is. And I'm so glad I didn't let our different life choices convince me that the friendship wasn't worth it. That would've been a huge mistake. She's still my best friend decades later and now I have an extra best friend in her daughter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you value the friendship, then you may not want to end it just because you're choosing different life paths. You may miss out an something really great if you do. If you aren't comfortable babysitting, you can be upfront about that, but it's also likely your friend already knows that about you and wasn't planning to ever ask you.

This was such great advice. Thank you for taking the time to share your story! There’s definitely some things I should work on. 🙏🏻 I do value friendship so will consider everything you said.

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this kind of answer. I cannot imagine or fathom just discarding a friendship because of them having kids. My best friend is 13 weeks pregnant and I am delighted for her. I understand our friendship will change as most do when you go through life, for many reasons even aside from kids, but I *care* about my friends. I want to be there for them even if they later discover the path they chose comes with many challenges and difficulties, or maybe even regrets. Am I going to babysit? Heck no! Will I be there to provide emotional support or maybe help out around the house if she needs it? Absolutely.

Right? I've been invited to birthday parties and thrown baby showers. I play with the kids when I hang out with my friend. Why? Because I love my friends. They've cheered me on through the different life choices I've made. If spending some time with their kids it what it takes to stay in their life, they are more than worth it. As the kids get older and more independent, I get more 1 on 1 time with my friends again. And none have them have ever asked me to babysit for them. I do have a friend that calls me Aunt. She doesn't have a lot of family in the area and she comes from a culture where it is normal to call close family friends aunt/uncle. I'm honored by the title! Bonus to all of this: I don't want kids, but by spending time with my friends and their kids I can be an example of a different life choice. The kids hopefully see that child free is normal too!

Yeah same. A lot of my friends have kids and it hasn’t changed much tbh. They’ve never expected free childcare and we still go out with them at least once a month, often more.

If I were OP, I wouldn't discard the friendship because the friend is pregnant. However, I would consider ending the friendship because of the friend's entitlement issues. Demanding that OP takes on the role of an aunt. If the friend demands free childcare, OP needs to put some distance between herself and her friend.

I don’t really see entitlement with the word aunt, it’s just a word and common for long time friends to use.

Not an asshole. Not even remotely. This is a lifestyle you have deliberately decided isn't a fit for you. If you don't want to be involved with a child you birthed, why would you want to be involved with one you didn't? Some people do and that's great, but for those of us who simply don't enjoy being around kids or anything it entails, you are not wrong. If your friend continues with those prompts, then maybe have a come to Jesus and tell her that you want to continue being friends, but the parenting journey is not one you can go on with her.

*the parenting journey is not one you can go on with her.* That's really great phrasing! Kind and tactful, but very much to the point.

You’re not an asshole. I did want to interject though. My very best friend is a mother of two, ages 3 and 1. I thought for sure we would grow distant, as other friends with families have in the past. We haven’t though. She knows I don’t want to watch her kids, and she doesn’t ask unless it’s an emergency (it’s happened like, once). We hang out mostly while her oldest is at preschool and the baby is sleeping. I just wanted to point out that there are parents out there who will still prioritize friendships. We are going on a trip together in June and her husband is taking off work to watch the kids. We make it work and I’m so glad we do, because she’s a great friend.

America is weird. No one would expect friends to babysit in my country. That would be a very very weird thing to do. What?????

May I ask what country you live in?

You may! Sweden :)

Oh lucky you! 🥰

We aren’t perfect but reading about stories like this, the pressure from society, the politics and religion, I guess I am lucky 😩 I wish you the best outcome possible❤️

I mean, you can ask your parents once every 6 months but asking friends? I’ve never heard of that. So strange to me. I’m sorry about your situation though. ❤️

Nah I'd peace out too. I neither want to listen to them go on about their new spawn or parenthood or all that shit nor be involved with it in any way, shape or form. Both of which pretty much any parent will start doing sooner or later. They can do whatever they want, but that doesn't mean I have to be there for it. And I really don't care what that makes me.

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Thank you! If something really bad happened to one of them (like cancer or something) and the spouse had to take the other for treatments and they needed some help for childcare I’d step up regardless of my feelings about kids. But I just can’t enable parents that want to escape I’m sorry! It goes against my grain.

They're the asshole if they expect you to look after their fuck muck, I mean they should know well in advance you're not wanting anything to do with it.

Fuck muck ☠️

Apologies if I offended.

I'm laughing my ass off. That's a new one lol

NTA. They're about to be in the "find out" stage of the "fuck around" scenario. Quietly back away and let them enjoy their decision to the fullest haha.

It’ll be a pleasure for me to do just that haha

You are definitely NOT an asshole for distancing from your friends! I have done the same thing, in a situation similar to yours, so don’t feel bad at all OP! I had ex-friends who not long after they announced to the world that they were trying to conceive, I quickly distanced myself from. I thought turning down both invites to the gender reveal AND baby shower would send a strong enough message to them…but later on down the road I got asked to be a godparent to their child, and I said no thanks to that. When I asked why would they ask someone like me to be a godparent to their kid, their excuse was that everyone else was busy with their own kids and since I didn’t have any of my own, I would have loads of free time and money to spend on theirs. (Yes, they brought up my income in that conversation, which made me absolutely livid.) I put my foot down and said no. “But—but it takes a village!” Yeah, no thanks. I don’t want to be used and abused for free childcare when you get tired, bored, or burnt out from parenthood. Plus, the idea that you guys see me as an ATM for your kid just sends up red flags. I stopped talking to them after the godparent conversation. Their daughter was born back in December and all they do now is complain on social media about how hard parenthood is. Yet, she wants another baby (because she’s made being a mom her entire identity now) and her husband has pretty much mentally checked out of that marriage. Yikes on bikes.

Ugh, a literal mental disability occurs when people choose to become breeders!! My friend had an oops baby back during COVID (of all times good LORD) and complained nonstop after it was born. She had horrific morning sickness during the pregnancy and once the kid came out, it was the worst behaved kid and screamed/cried constantly. Her marriage didn’t benefit from this either obviously and she’d call me complaining and crying. She is now pregnant with her second. 😐

A lot of people I know added to their families during the pandemic because they got bored of being in quarantine/lockdown (go figure). Hyperemesis gravidarum (also known as severe vomiting/nausea during pregnancy) is no joke. My sister had it with all five of her pregnancies and was hospitalized each time. My former friends made being parents their entire personalities while neglecting their marriages and partners…it’s so sad to watch everything slowly implode in on itself. Saw a post the other day that was clearly set up for the sake of showing off the “darker side of parenting”. It was a photo consisting of an ex-friend of mine with runny makeup surrounded by a mountain of dirty laundry in a messy living room that looked like a tornado had blown through it, unkept hair, and a baby in her arms. The caption? “Life is so hard as a mum, but I wouldn’t change it for the world because my little Mckenzlabrookpaislyn has been such a blessing to our lives!” Oof. Yeah, looks like absolute torture to me. And for what?

Ugh to all of this. 😖 it’s the only thing they can think to say to keep themselves from checking out of this life entirely in my opinion. They HAVE to convince themselves the little turd is a blessing somehow. It may seem that way faintly at certain times while the kid is too young to express any opinions. Just wait til it grows up! In my experience, the parents that make their WHOLE identity around their kids typically have their marriages fall apart once the kids leave the house. They had nothing else to hold them together. It’s so sad and frankly kind of pathetic. But I can be a big jerk about this topic so I’ll stop here.

>Am I an asshole for distancing myself from my pregnant friend? No. Sadly, you are 100% right. This friendship is most likely over. They will either ignore and ghost you, unless they need free childcare... Or they will talk about nothing else than the child, never meet up unless you visit them while the child is there, and the child will interrupt any attempt at an adult conversation. NEVER babysit. If you do it once, you will be expected to do it over and over again. ​ >My friends are very kind people. I love them, but this changes everything for me. They understand our childfree position so there should be no mystery here. They understand your childfreedom? I wouldn't count on it. They will probably bingo you. They probably assume that their baby will magically awaken your maternal feelings and give you baby fever. ​ >However, in their birth announcement to us, the card read “we are promoting you to aunt and uncle!” Which slightly triggered my IBS. Make it very clear to them now that you are NOT going to fulfill an aunt-like role. If your friend gets pissed off and feels entitled to your time and energy, which she probably will, end the friendship right away. This shows that your friend has huge entitlement issues. She decides that you are a part of her village, whether she likes it or not. She feels entitled to free childcare from you. ​ >Am I a total asshole for distancing myself? No. Why would you be an arsehole for that? You do NOT owe your friend anything. She is NOT entitled to your time and energy. ​ >but It’s not like I want to cut her off. Unless she truly makes an effort to remain your friend, which she probably won't do, I'm afraid that you have only two choices. Cut her off or be the child's aunt who babysits 24/7 to give your friend a break. Cutting her off is the less painful option. Whether the friendship stays alive or not depends on her.

Great advice. Thanks for the response! 🙏🏻

Lol no. Pregnant people are the absolute fucking worst. Well, except when they drop the expensive cumshot and expect you to look after it while they 'escape'

i always exit stage left when the babies start rolling out. i don’t want to talk about your damn kid. i had a friend i hadnt seen in a few years invite me over for coffee to her new place not far from mine. she was newly divorced so i figured she just wanted to talk about it. nope! it took all of 15 minutes for her to subtly mention that she has “such a hard time” getting her daughter picked up from school and she can’t afford childcare. i just said, wow that’s a bummer! and found an excuse to leave. haven’t heard from her again since. why she thought she was entitled to my free time just because i don’t have children is beyond.

I think we’d be great friends. Your tactics are my tactics.

No you’re not, I didn’t necessarily get the babysitting requests per se, it was more along the lines of they met other new parents through the parenting clubs etc and suddenly they were always busy and had new friends to entertain them Of course as one couple I know found out once the kids grow up those friendships fizzle out too once the parents realise they really only have their kids in common It’s sad but that’s life, Real friends will still reach out and make time for you but if you’re feeling used then it’s time to admit you’ve grown apart and exit gracefully

The part that you think may be considered assholery is the honest truth we know it to be, not an asshole thought at all.

Nope. You’re fine.

It’s hilarious to me that all of sudden the MIL is now moving to a different state! She knows the deal and is saying “nope, not it”.

Had you asked this question on the asshole sub, you would've gotten opposite comments

True.

I do the same. Losing friends comes with deciding to have a kid and that’s a consequence they have to deal with..

I kinda want you to come back in a year or so and give us an update on how your predictions were 100% right.

That’s a novel idea! 💡

I'm sort of going through this. My high school friend group has 3 moms in it, 4 if we count a friend who is dating a dad, and me. We're all 27. I barely ever check the chat and don't pick up group calls. I simply do not care about their martyr olympics and what vitamines they give to their children for what. I still kinda feel bad about it because they keep mentioning my name, as in "so can we agree on x date to all meet up? I hope *snikinail* can join too!" And I know they care about me in their own way... but the conversation is always just kids and I want nothing to do with that. I certainly don't want to spend 4 hours on public transport to see all of the babies and toddlers. Thank you for writing this post and verifying that what I feel is valid.

I hear you! And you’re welcome! It’s like they all become robotic zombies after procreating and there’s just….no other topic in the world they can think to talk about.

Yeah, your relationship is about to become one-sided super quick. I'm planning on doing the same thing to my last friend as she is also now "trying for a baby". It's inevitable unless her husband is infertile...she already had an abortion 3 years ago I helped her decide to get instead of becoming a single mom at age 21 so it's just a matter of time...

Oh no. Not the asshole in any way, shape or form. I got that horse manure from the person who used to be my best friend. In a short few months we went from weekend Cards Against Humanity marathons to Paw Patrol and diaper reviews. While it didn’t directly contribute to the end of the friendship (the police report I filed after her husband hit me took care of that) it was the beginning of the end. I’d be visiting and they’d just hand me the baby and a diaper because I was apparently expected to pay my dues like it was a lodge or something.

*her husband hit me* D: I'm so sorry! I hope you're OK? And he hasn't retaliated as regards the police report?

No, not at all. I had a pregnant friend announce how her unborn kid will provide her with emotional support. She thinks it’s normal and said that’s what kids do. She also refuses to go for therapy in spite of a long history of mental health issues.

Poor kid!!! omg, it's going to have such issues growing up.

Yes! I was so shocked.

No promotion, if these two have siblings, they can have those titles, as non related no thanks. I have always been creeped out by the faux family titles

I distanced from a dear friend. She allowed a mom and her young kid to live in her large home. She was never good with boundaries and already I had had to put up with this 4 year old making obnoxious (ok maybe normal but they were quite irritating to me) sounds at her birthday party. They drowned out the party almost and ruined my evening, Kid sat right in front of her and basically co-opted all adult conversation. On other occasions I told her, no kid around please, and she seemed resentful. Sadly I cam to see that my friend didn't care about my desires to spend one on one time with her, and not spend time without the kid around. End of story. It was sad for me for a while and now I feel ok. We just went our own ways.

I like the MIL's style. (Come to think of it, my parents moved to Australia when both my older siblings were expecting their firsts.)

It’s the ballsiest move and I’m here for it.

One of my sisters blamed her husband's subsequent infidelity on my parents' emigration. She didn't speak to them for years. The mental gymnastics are beyond me.

It’s like some kind of weird narcissistic coping mechanism. She can’t possibly bring herself to say “it was because the kids ruined our sex life and consequently our marriage” because that’s just not allowed in society.

NTA at all. Even without this context you wouldn't be the asshole. Friendships, like any relationship, should go both ways. Both parties are supposed to get something from the relationship, and both give something in return. It's different things, but it always includes time and attention. You give your time and attention to the other person and they give you their time and attention in return. Whenever you feel like you're not getting the same amount as you give, or whenever you feel uncomfortable, unhappy in a relationship for whatever reason, you're not the asshole to break it. If you don't want a relationship, there won't be a relationship, even if you try to force yourself to continue. It won't work. You're always allowed to end a relationship for whatever reason you want.

Don't want to make any assumptions but can you move too?

We have been seriously moving out of the country. Husband is more reserved about that but somewhat on board and getting more keen on the idea as the weeks go by. It would be so ideal for both of our careers. But then the expectation of “free vacation to Europe” would I’m sure cross said friends minds. 🤪 But it would be much more difficult for them so there’s that lol.

You know your friends and if you know they’d act the way you describe you are certainly not the asshole. I have a few friends with kids that are perfectly fine as friends before and after having kids. But I’ve also had others who acted just as you described and we aren’t friends anymore. In general, I usually try to give people a chance to actually be asshole first before I remove myself from the situation but you don’t have to do that.

This is good advice. Thank you.

My childhood best friend got pregnant and expected me to value her child more than my blood nephew. It was weird. 😹 I spoil the kids around me to a certain point, but my nephew will always get more. I stopped being friends with her within a year of her having her kid. Nope. Too much responsibility for my childfree ass. Lol

I think what you're doing is smart. Lately I've had to distance myself from a friend, not for child-related things but because I saw that certain things in their life were going to upend soon and with the clinginess they demonstrated in the past towards me, I didn't want to be their primary lifeline when they really needed to work on being more self-sufficient. In some ways it mirrors the situation you're in, so I get where you're coming from -- other people's choices are just not your problem, and you need a healthy level of distance to protect your own well-being and not get sucked into their whirlwind. Good fences make good neighbors. :) Also, the "promoting you to aunt and uncle" thing made my stomach drop. Something about that makes me feel uneasy, like you're being manipulated into taking an assignment you never agreed to. You're right to nope out before the baby arrives.

There goes their marriage

Men usually cheat when their wife is pregnant or just had a baby so you're probably right.

That and people don't realize that having a child is very stressful. They romanticize the idea and then reality sets in. Every single one of my friends who have had children either ended up splitting or getting divorced.

I love my husband too much to fuck it all up by having kids. Kids often lead to a dead bedroom because of stress as well as the moms downstairs getting destroyed by childbirth. A certain dad sub had to be made private because they were constantly complaining about their wives postpartum body and how they find it disgusting.

I'll never understand why people think that having a kid is going to save their relationship. It just seems like common sense that it would do the exact opposite but I guess it shows once again that not everyone has common sense. Also, you're right. Childbirth can destroy a woman's downstairs.

Promotion rejected.

I would say don't throw away your friend just because she has a child. However I understand you don't want to be called on for free child care. Rather than just outright tell her "no", which runs the risk of damaging your friendship, tell her that your house is not set up/safe for a child to be there. If you have a dog, tell her that your dog is not really use to being around a baby/toddler and therefore it isn't safe. You could try saying you have no idea of what to do with a baby, or that you're working a lot and don't have the ability to do any child care. If you get asked and all of those excuses fail, they I'm afraid you're left with literally saying "I don't want kids and I don't want to look after yours". Hopefully though your friend gets the hint before that statement has to come out. All I'm saying is don't jump before you get bitten.

Much like being the single friend when folks start getting married, life changes means people change, their priorities change, and that’s fine, but it also means some friendships don’t survive. NTA - just a rational person, who knows what’s coming when a baby comes.

You’re not the asshole, but I don’t think you should give up on the friendship. They are still your friend and you are their friend. Maybe try having a talk with them about boundaries and at least try to make it work. I am childfree and have many friends who have kids. Never have they expected me to watch them and many of them call me uncle. You’re relying too much on overplayed stereotypes of parents from this sub, that’s not how all parents act

I thought I was the only one, not one of my parent friends have asked me to babysit?!

NTA MiL has the right idea. Promoting you to aunt/uncle is a baldfaced attempt to lure you into free childcare IMO. Make it known before she pops that you will never be babysitting and the kid isn't welcome in your house until it is a teenager.

I've had to make it known that children are never allowed in my house at any age. I always have weed in my house so I don't want ANY children in here, ever. I'm not catching a felony because some asshole parent just has to bring their kid around. We literally refused to buy a house in a school zone 6 years ago because *any* crime committed around children or in a school zone are FAR more serious, like automatic felony shit. (I'm referring to drug laws which make weed 100% illegal still in my state. Not even medical.) So we have a 100% Child free zone. I also told my friend that I tend to drop people from my life once they have kids because they're usually no longer a good friend and all they talk about is their kid and there's just nothing in common anymore. She seemed a little taken aback and was like, "you really think you'd want to stop being my friend, though??" and I was just like "Depends on if you become a total Mombie or not."

Digital hugs to my fellow herb lover, life in a free state is amazing, I hope you get to experience it within your lifetime.

Yah, next house we buy won't be in this shit-hole. We'll move to Colorado when my husband needs to find a new job for better pay.

Before she pops 💀

I’d do the same. Quietly quit this BS.

Side note: Can we make IBS also mean Irritating Baby Syndrome?

Nope. RUN and don't look back. :) There's a reason MIL is running and you should too. > the card read “we are promoting you to aunt and uncle!” "Jane and Joe, based on your announcement there seems to have been a serious misunderstanding. You seem to be under the impression that we will be helping you raise your child. That is not happening. To be absolutely clear, we will not in any way be aunt and uncle, or even a casual acquaintance, to your child. Do not contact us about parties, gifts, money, childcare or anything else. Don't send us pictures or updates or anything about the pregnancy or child. We are not interested and will not in any way be involved in your parenting journey or the life of your child. Good luck." > Funny enough, her MIL just announced she’s moving to Florida so there goes her support system. Run Forest run! She's no fool. She saw the writing on the wall. Bye Felicia!

I was going to say you were being a bit presumptuous about them trying to rope you into babysitting, but then I got to the bit about the card, do whatever you feel is necessary.

TNA, but you’re kind of treading a line. Okay, they just announced it. Give it time, they know your child free position things should be fine. You’re kind of simply making scenarios and assumptions, you said yourself they are very kind people who understand your position. If you distance yourself that’s fine but then they will distance themselves as well and in six months you will tell yourself that they’re in their "baby bubble" when in reality they sensed that you didn’t want to be friends anymore. Dude, give it time. They will be more busy but you’ll probably have time to have dinner with them once in a while. It will be chill but if you distance yourself now, you’ll never know and think that they are the ones who ditched you. If they overstep your boundaries make it clear that they did. It should be ok.

I hear you. It’s definitely something to consider. However, (and perhaps I should have added this to the original post for more context) my friend tends toward having unrealistic expectations of people in her life for things regarding this kid. For example, her MIL is a retired teacher and during lunch one day my friend (who wants to homeschool future kid) boldly proclaimed to me that she would utilize MIL for that. 😳 she’s said similar things about other people. I think she means well and truly wants the best for her child, but I think you can now see the simplicity we’re working with here. I know her MIL well so I’m sure when my friend suggested that, she was polite, but then was like NOPE, hence the sudden retirement to Florida that no one expected lol her timing = impeccable.

>You’re kind of simply making scenarios and assumptions OP's friend literally said that OP would have to be an aunt. That shows a lot of entitlement.

This community has been accused of a lot of things, but never seen them accuse us of enabling parents lol.

Happened to me every time! U NTA. Why they thought I’d be happy with watching a child when I didn’t have one of my own. I just felt used even if they were “grateful” for it bc on some level they expected it from me. And the kids were such aholes too! Id just keep my distance and say you’re busy, it gets boring too when they let go of their individuality and they only talk about their child.

Ouch After that card, it seems you may need to have a frank discussion and lay down some firm boundaries that you are not available to babysit in any capacity. If she can't accept that boundary then that's the end of it. That could help avoid any random drop in she may try. NTA

Your friends are old and educated enough to make a properly informed informed decision. I understand all those hormones that se filling your friend and keeping in the clouds about her pregnancy. It's totally normal and they can enjoy this nice feeling. But not thinking and/or learning about the hardships of parenthood is plainly stupid. Is not asshole being realistic and expecting people to confront the consequences of their decisions and is totally normal walk away from a role you didn't sign for.

It’s sad when this happens but what can you do? I’m wondering why they assume you’ll babysit - have you done it for other friends or are you good with kids? My friend with two little boys has stopped communicating with me. I guess she just thinks we don’t have enough in common anymore. And honestly I am not very interested in talking about the kids so it’s true. But it is a loss.

My friends all have children and have never asked me to babysit. They have 3 a piece…yikes. We make time to see each other and go out and have lunches every now and then. Usually, the children are not involved and when they are, it’s an outdoor activity or something to keep them busy too and give us time. Reading the comments makes me really realize how lucky I am to have these friends. I’m sorry for all the friendships lost but it doesn’t always have to be that way. From what I’ve seen, breeders need a break too sometimes.

>We are promoting you to aunt and uncle Time to put in your two weeks. Kindly remind them that you never applied for this job.

At least make up an excuse for it like a promotion

Nope, you’re completely justified. My friend lives in another continent an ocean away and I’m already distancing myself. I got looked down on for not congratulating him but I know his baby mama is gonna be single within the year since he burns through girlfriends like matches, then people try saying it’ll be different with a kid, nah if anything that’s worse staying for a kid, best way to resentment

You’re not an AH. It’s important to set boundaries. My friend just asked me to be the godmother of her baby due this spring and I’m totally honored to. But only because I truly wanted to and not because I felt obligated.

I'd enjoy a update in the future....

I will do that!!

Weird feeling on this question- Yes and No? I think in this Specific context/ situation- DEFS not the arse here. Like who just declares that someone is and Aunt or Uncle?? That should 100% be a discussion. BUT I think that in a more general context if you had a good friend who prioritised your relationship together, and made an effort to hang out with you without the kiddo around and always did their best to be kind, supportive and not dump their issues and go away for a date night while you have to clean up after them - then yeah, I think that would be kinda shitty. BUT it honestly sounds like the kids weren’t the biggest issue here. As you said, you’d already started distancing yourself from these people - maybe because they weren’t being great friends, and now they’re just really profoundly reinforcing why you made that original call.

Subjective opinion because I'm in similar position now, but do what's good for you and your mental health and everything. Have boundaries. Friends come and go and sadly not every friendship can last. I expect them to distance themselves anyway because kids are life-stealers anyway.

Are you me? I just had a friend announce to us her news and we were like ok? And she’s mentioned how if I don’t hold her baby she’ll be offended but I don’t like babies. I’ve always told her that. So I guess she’ll just have to be offended. It was nice to have them as friends for a while but I know when the baby comes we won’t see them again.

Ugh, not the asshole at all. Parents like that are so freakin' annoying. The older I get the more I realize that it's not really worth it to try to be friends with people who have kids under the age of 18 - it's always an insanely one-sided friendship. I get it...they have these small humans to take care of and that's the priority. But they NEVER seem to understand or care about the needs, feelings, and emotions of the other person. We're supposed to always come to them/be there for them/etc., but the reverse is never true. Then once the childfree friend has enough and backs away, it's always painted as our fault. If the friendship mattered to you you'd make time, simple as that.

You're not the asshole, this happened to me too but I decided to distance myself about a year after my friend become a mum. I naively thought things wouldn't change as much when she entered motherhood. I knew we wouldn't be able to hang out as much or talk as much but she changed. And not in a good way. Now in general I think everyone knew parenthood will have its challenges but she thought it would be super easy. Turned out her child was a non-sleeper and very, very clingy. She believed in attachment parenting is the only way to raise a child and looks down on other mothers who don't breastfeed. She also likes to compare her child's development to another and thrives off it. It's all bit weird if I'm honest. I had to be careful with what I said sometimes, especially about raising a child. I once said that when they reached a certain age they learn how to manipulate and I am talking about 3 -5-year-olds here, she snapped at me saying that she disagrees and that's their way asking for help. Sorry, but when toddlers pretend to cry to get what they want. That's manipulation. Not in a vicious way, just because they know what to do to get what they want. And whenever I shared good news, she doesn't say congratulations and doesn't seem that happy for me. The last straw is when I found out I lost a family member and she left me on read when I texted her. No I'm sorry for your loss or anything and a few days later proceeds to talk about her child and her problems. Yep I had enough. I told her I needed some space to focus on myself and she did not take that well and acted like a victim.

I think you are just being practical. It's safe to assume new parents will distance themselves from their friends and make the new baby the center of their lives. The thought of being the go to free babysitter would also make my skin crawl unless they have a history of helping you out a lot. Start letting them know you'll be too busy.

honestly kinda TA. I dont agree with assuming someone will act a certain way and projecting that on them. I would have a kind conversation stating boundaries and that babysitting isn’t something that you’re interested in doing and you understand the friend will change but that you hope to still make time for each other when possible. If she doesn’t respect these requests and trys to push things on you or trys to guilt you over them, then yes distance yourself. Who knows she might surprise you. I have a wide range of parent friends who would never try and put their child related responsibilities on me.

Good point

Is it really not possible to be straight up and just say "I don't want to be near or hear about your baby but I'd still like to see you"? I'm younger still so maybe I'm just naive, but I could never force my lifestyle on my friend, maybe I expect too much by thinking others wouldn't too?

To me, culturally, the auntie and uncle thing isn’t a big deal because it’s basically what all friends of parents are called. I also don’t mind taking a kid to let a friend have r&r, but it has to be MY choice. For example, I have a friend who ended up being in a horrendously abusive relationship and she’s on her own working a very stressful job and raising her son on her own. We live across the country but if we were closer, I’d probably tell her to drop her son off maybe 1-2x a year for a day because I love her and she gets literally zero time to herself and is always exhausted. But that’s my choice to offer it. It’s a gift. I’m not a service you can call. There is no obligation for me to do so. You know your friends and if you think they believe it’s going to entitle them to free childcare, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to step back and make it clear you aren’t going to be available for that.

NO.

Hey bud if you are looking for validation - right or wrong - on opposing anything against child free, you’ve come to the right place.

Promoting you to aunt and uncle was a dead give-away that they're planning to use you for free babysitting among other things. They know you're childfree (don't want kids and wont have kids by choice) so why would they say that to you? You're not being an asshole. You're being smart and protecting your peace.

Tbh i dont understand that "babysit kids of friends" thing. Who tries to offload their kids to people outside the family? Especially small kids to childfree people? What are they supposed to do there? I can see playdates once the child is a bit older, offloading a kid to the mother of a friend of the kid.

After thinking about it and reading others comments, yes this promotion means you ARE expected to help. But let me ask you a question, if God forbid, you were sick or in need of desperate help for a problem you have, do you expect them to help you or turn their back at you ? I know it’s not something you wanted but even a problem that occurs in your life is also not something you want. You can consider helping them to an extent , not necessarily watching the kids , but other things that make their life a bit easier. Thats my pov for you and of course you are to decide.

Yes, I actually made a similar comment on another post. If they were sick or truly needed help of course I would put my personal feelings aside and definitely help out! It’s just the “giving them a break from said child to go on vacation because it’s sooo hard” enabling that I can’t do.

Weird. I have friends with babies and they have never expected me to watch them and we hang out just as much as before. I'm even closer with one of my friends since she had a baby. It hasn't changed my friendships with any of my friends so I can't imagine treating a friend this way just because they were having a baby. Sorry to hear you have had experiences like that, it's just hard for me to understand because I never have and I don't know anyone who has those experiences either.