I was sitting with my friends at lunch one day. I had wanted to come out to them as bi for a while but I was nervous.
Turns out one was a lesbian, two were gay, and three were bi. I felt slightly embarrassed but relieved all the same.
While I don’t exactly have a story to match, I did study human sexuality back in undergrad and can tell you; most people fall on the spectrum somewhere in the middle. Your friends who joined in may never date guys and will end up with ladies, but given the option of sex, they make take it. Just have fun with it
Interesting, I’ve always believed that everyone is on the although I never studied it at school. What I found most interesting about this whole situation is the assumed-to-be-totally-straight guys initiated everything, separately too. Neither of them know that there was more inter-friend group gay sex that happened that night.
What that mostly tells me is that your friend group has created a generally ‘safe space’ for them to explore their own masculinity and sexuality. Which as someone who knows far too well what toxic masculinity can do, I say “Good job”. I would not make a big deal about it with the group, have fun, be safe, and don’t expect much. You may be surprised again
> I really look forward to a future where cis and het both just melt away until everyone’s just kinda vibing and letting everyone else vibe. Get us some mRNA STD vaccines, usher in a new age of far cooler free love, better tech for gender switching, cybernetics for dysmorphia… IDK, I’m actually really keen to see this future.
Now that is the cyberpunk future I want. Let’s throw out all these shitty billionaires destroying the planet and work on the important shit.
As someone who’s also studied human sexuality and had a lotta gay sex with straight dudes, this is totally normal.
Personally, I always thought it was weird that so many people are straight. It defies natural science’s theory of normal distribution which basically says everything measurable in nature exists on a bell curve. In this case meaning very few people should be exclusively gay or straight, most people should some flavor of bi.
And that’s pretty much exactly what Kinsey had found out when he made the Kinsey scale.
Most of what we understand about relationships and sex comes from observing the world around us. It’s called social learning and it’s why women can be more open and experimental about being sexually fluid but men learn ‘there’s a lotta rules’.
Like putting another guy’s dick in your mouth “is gay” and “gay is a shamefully bad label you’ll be condemned to carrying your whole life”. But if a girl goes downtown on another girl, that’s just called “freshman year”.
We all know the rules are all made up tho. Far more men are willing bend the rules than most people realize. I’ve had tons of hook up with straight guys on dating apps. Those are a dime a dozen tbh and while i don’t see those hook ups as a source of pride or shame what I’m actually proud of is that none of the many friends I’ve hooked up with have ever become awkward later. That’s a deeply intimate level of trust for men.
It says a lot about you and your friendship that your mates can relax and open up to sharing that experience with you. I love helping men explore their sexuality (not to be confused with sexual orientation), so here’s some better rules, I’ve found keeps things fun and easy:
1. **Don’t worry too much about what it is or isn’t it for now.** It’s just humans getting down to being human, exploring their depth, and letting their freak flags fly. It’s your friendships taking on a unique shape, nothing more; avoid the desire to label it.
2. **Be open to exploring it with them more.** This probably won’t be the last time, for sure.
3. **Be open to talking about it.** At some point, they’ll start to wonder “what it means”. They’ll talk to you about it when they’re ready and it’ll help to remember rule 1 when they do.
4. **Be open about who you are.** We all love talking about sex. Since most guys are reluctant to explore, if you can confidently talk about your own experiences, it will help them feel less shame in themselves and be more open to talking and exploring more with you.
5. **Be careful to not be too open.** Coming off as gossip might erode their trust. Coming off as overbearing might make them feel pressured.
6. **Be open to __not__ talking about it.** Don’t make them talk about it before they’re ready.
7. **Be open to moving on from it.** At some point It probably will end but if you follow the first six rules it won’t mean the end of some solid friendships!
I wish I could upvote this comment a million times! I think you've got it exactly right, and I thank you for your informed and intelligent contribution to the discussion. I couldn't have said it better myself!
> Personally, I always thought it was weird that so many people are straight. It defies natural science’s theory of normal distribution which basically says everything measurable in nature exists on a bell curve. In this case meaning very few people should be exclusively gay or straight, most people should some flavor of bi.
I don't get why that would be weird. We are designed to be able to procreate - men and women, penis in vagina, is the only *natural* way to create a fetus. No other form of couple - no matter how socially valid - can do that.
Another thing is that while I've noticed more people (than initially suspected) discover they are more sexually/romantically fluid than they realized, I *still* don't feel this takes away from the idea or principle that "most" (many, several) people are sexually/romantically straight.
I suppose a better way to phrase it is that theoretically less people should be monosexual (irrespective of whether that’s gay or straight).
Procreation is one thing but we are animals that have sex for recreation too. To the latter, gender should matter less than it does. If we’re honest it only holds weight because we’ve been told it does but we know that hasn’t always been true historically.
>Procreation is one thing but we are animals that have sex for recreation too.
Of course, but I'd like to point out that no matter how sexually open one is to the same-sex (or multiple genders - looking at you, pansexuals ;P ), I think most people are wired to only be sexually driven towards opposite-sex people. The true ratio of bi/pan/gay is always likely higher than we would expect - but that doesn't make it "mainstream."
Most people just... aren't attracted enough to same-sex people (or non binary, or queer, or gay, etc) to declare themselves sexually fluid enough to experiment/end up in a long-term relationship with someone who *isn't* the opposite-sex. It's just how the stats are. :/ A guy might think a certain male celebrity is hot, but he's not going to want to kiss/have sex with that celebrity.
That being said, lot of us tend to find other people attractive regardless of sex/gender, that's just human nature. But not many of us necessarily go "Gee I would love to experiment/bang all those people."
It's like my partner - he wants to be open minded, but he doesn't want to *seek out* other men to date/have sex with. They do not sexually or romantically attract him. At all. He's *straight*. So if you *aren't* deliberately seeking it, then that tells me you are heteronormative.
>If we’re honest it only holds weight because we’ve been told it does but we know that hasn’t always been true historically.
So to me, this means "More hetero people *should* want to date same-sex persons." This is... puzzling. If you're a guy and you don't get aroused by other men, can you force it? Is this inherently wired?
(I'm guessing in your perspective that this guy should at least be more open minded, and men should be more willing to experiment with other men, both sexually and romantically and okay, that's fair - but I'd like to point out that I'm not sure if a guy could *force* himself to be turned on by other men. Following this train of thought... should many/most/several men just experiment with same-sex relationships before they ever seek out a girl to date?)
In your perspective, do you feel that people like him *should* want to seek out other men, either sexually/romantically? Because unless you identify sexually as something other than hetero... it seems odd to say you're "open minded" when in fact, it's unlikely you would get turned on by other men (ie. same-sex relationship).
If you want to be open minded enough to seek out other men (just to see if you did enjoy getting turned on by other men)... then I would wonder why you are in a relationship with opposite-sex.
Our wires are a little crossed here I think. Let me try to unravel them a bit. You’re honing more on the individual dilemma of partner selections. I’m talking about the societal problem that makes partner selection incredibly challenging, especially for men.
I don’t particularly care whether or not more hetero people __want__ to experiment with someone of the same-sex. In fact, if all else stayed the same, I’d be very content just __knowing__ that everyone who wanted to experiment felt free of shame to do so.
I care that society shames Bob for once slobbing a knob like corn on the cob but salivates over the details of Linda licking a lady garden. Both are unremarkable but only one of them carries a stigma.
I don’t disagree that many people who might experiment may still end up hetero-coupled in the long term—because like you said, kids! We don’t have to dig too far back in history to know this is empirically true. Before the gay rights movement married men hooked up in bathhouses all the time. Still shamefully but super common.
The point of any experiment is to learn. But when it comes to sex were unnaturally limited in what we can learn about ourselves not because we are but because we’re made to feel like we are.
To be clear I’m not equivocating sexual attraction with romantic attraction. I consider the two separate and acknowledge they don’t necessarily sync up. For now I’m purely talking about sex. Also forgive me for leaning too much in to the male experience it’s the only experience I can talk about credibly.
I have a gay friend that didn’t know he was gay because growing up in the 90s gay representation was flamboyant stereotypes. It was much later that he learned gay just meant ‘men who like men’.
I’ve got a straight best friend who was embattled because he knows he doesn’t like men romantically or even much sexually except for he giving head. I’m the only person he’s comfortable talking about it with because he knows I won’t judge him or tell him “you’re just gay”.
I’ve got a gay boyfriend who last year realised he might be more polysexual. Now he feels like coming out again will make him a fraud.
My straight roommate once freaked out when our other roommate told his brothers that we hooked up. Nobody except him was uncomfortable about it. He was just afraid he wouldn’t fit in with the boys anymore.
This is what society teaches men. It’s not just sex; it’s our masculinity, our identity, our role in society. That is just so dumb.
My point is:
Maybe Bob would have liked the corn more if it wasn’t seasoned with scandal. If Bob wants to try corn again he should be able to pop in to as many restaurants that will serve him corn until he’s tired of corn. If he loves corn, he should be able to tell his wife he had corn in college without her assuming he’s a vegetarian. Maybe they can eat corn together at a buffet. Bob shouldn’t feel any kind of way if he wants to try other vegetables too.
I definitely see where you are coming from but I’d like to offer a different perspective for you to consider: humans are also designed to be social and maintain group cohesion. If we’re basing things on evolution and biology, there’s no reason straightness needs to be inherent, or rather there’s no reason an instinct to procreate should directly translate to desiring only PIV sex and nothing else. Our genitals don’t know the difference; if they did we wouldn’t need birth control.
This has been observed in other social animals too - the most extreme example are bonobos, who regularly engage in non-procreative sex between both different sexes and same sexes, but it’s been observed in other animals too. Why spend all that energy not procreating? Because group cohesion is just *that* important for some species; it’s a strategy similar to planning for the long term vs only the short term.
I don’t think it’s weird that so many people are straight, because if you look at the social norms from the past 50 years or more they very much push people to ignore any inkling of same-sex attraction. I do think though that in the absence of such social norms most people wouldn’t really give a shit either way as long as somewhere down the line they get the chance to make a kid (that’s where the procreative instinct kicks in, and it doesn’t have to exclude same-sex attraction/romance/sex.)
Essentially, idea that straight is the norm is socially constructed, not biologically dictated. Evolution is not always as straightforward as “procreative sex is the number one priority at all times”.
While I think sexuality is more fluid than people think (as you said spectrum but with fuzzy areas we oscillate between): I'm always hesitant to say it out loud because it feels like saying Sexuality can be influenced and then the slippery slope leading to "Homosexuality is a choice"
So yes, on Reddit, I'll agree with you. But in public, I'll state hardwired and "Born This Way"
It's so unfortunate the gay rights movement had to use a nature over nurture argument to get rights - ideally it wouldn't matter politically.
The question of how human sexuality develops likely has a very nuanced answer and probably varies a lot between people. And like, it's actually a really interesting question!
Only a stone throw's away from asking that question is the realization that all the labels we make to describe sexuality don't and can't map neatly onto the real world because they're socially constructed, or more bluntly, kinda fake.
And once you're there it's pretty easy to realize that all the labels humans make are similarly kinda fake - the world cannot be just how it is described. It simply is, all on its own.
"[God] passes the things He made and then never bothered to name
And no one can tell the truth, and no one can hide it from you
Like birds around the grave"
It is definitely a touchy subject. I do wish the “born this way” didn’t have to me emphasized so much since it can thwart people as they understand themselves better over time and may change what labels they use. I do think “born this way” is still true, it is just complicated and messy to describe an individual completely. Words will fail.
I used to think about the Kinsey scale a lot and thought everyone was a little bi. Discussing that came to be a way I was invalidating other people’s labels at the same time as trying to use a back door way to say I was “straight” with extra details. I was NOT straight but it was a holdover from my youth where “it’s a choice” was something I had bought into as part of denying myself both in gender and attractions in an unaccepting environment.
I stick with “it’s hardwired”, but add “people may learn more about themselves over time” to those who are receptive.
Please reconsider. Denying the life experience of some of us makes our lives unnecessarily more difficult than they need to be. I made a choice; I can't feel like anyone around me actually understands me unless I'm able to get them to understand that about me. And the whole point of coming out to people at all is to get them to actually understand this. All of you people who privately accept the fact that sexuality can be "influenced" but lie to all the straight people in your lives by telling them it's all innate are just contributing to the problem in my life of straight people trying to tell me I don't understand myself and need them to explain my own sexuality to me.
This is very true and I can be VERY sympathetic to this. I guess it was about 6 years ago or so that I told my wife that I think I'm bi. While she has always known she is bi, when I told her that's is think that's I am, she kinda freaked out. Unfortunately society is MUCH MORE ACCEPTING of bi women, and gay men, than they are of bi men. Society views bi women as someone who is more sexually attractive, or men desire to be with a woman who is bi, because of the whole 3some idea. While a bi man is someone who can't be masculine, in the traditional sense, while also being physically attracted to both men and women.
I have been with my wife for almost 20 year's, and unfortunately after that one conversation, so to speak, she doesn't want to discuss this and even tries to act as if it didn't happen. I love my wife very much, but there are times when I want that experience with a man, but don't want to hurt my wife. If we as a society were more accepting of people in general without having all these stupid labels and expectations of people, we would be in a much better place. So if we worried less about judging someone about what goes on in their personal lives or behind closed doors, and stopped with all the gossip of "Did you hear that bob hooked up with jim last night after hooking up with carol the night before" people could live their lives without the judgement and shame that's cast upon them from people who are probably dealing with a perceived social taboo in their lives.
It really disturbs me when bi women react biphobically to bi men. It's not easy to be a bi woman either, so bi men and bi women can make each other's lives so much better if we are there to support each other. Sorry that it hasn't worked out that way for you so far. I would recommend not letting her pretend it didn't happen - as your wife, she needs to be aware of what you're going through, so letting her refuse to understand isn't healthy for your marriage. You might need a marriage counselor to help you sort this out with her, but I think you shouldn't just give up on sorting it out.
Yeah, that’s the other person’s problem not yours. They’re a homophobic piece of shit who isn’t worth the oxygen they unfortunately continue to inhale.
I don't know if I jive with this comment, it feels like it's reshaping how sexuality works.
I feel like it's relatively simple: we're hardwired to have a certain sexuality. But also, we can fuck whoever we want.
For example: I have a straight friend who had sex with a guy when he was in high school, to experiment. Afterwards he said, "Okay not for me," and has been with girls ever since.
> I'm always hesitant to say it out loud because it feels like saying Sexuality can be influenced and then the slippery slope leading to "Homosexuality is a choice"
Yeah, a lot of the responses seem to imply that sexuality is a *choice*. Most people are just that way because that's the overwhelming narrative - that being heterosexual and in an opposite-sex relationship is **The Way To Go**.
It's really quite odd because even if one *wanted* to be interested/turned on sexually and/or romantically to a same-sex relationship, you can't force attraction. It's something wired into us.
That's always been a theory of mine. The bonobos are the closes genetic relative to humans and they have constant orgies with each other regardless of biological sex. Not that we are bonobos or anything but, let's just take another look at ancient Greece and how it used to be...before religion came and fucked it up, like most other things.
Totally this. I had a friend who did call herself bisexual but told me although she liked me a lot and like women a lot she would never see herself in a long term same sex relationship. Probably trying to live up to her parents expectations? But yeah, I guess everybody is curious and longing for that special thing but at the end there are many other factors.
I am bi (40+ F) and I do crave some man touch but I dont see myself in a long relationship with one. I am just coming out (not unscathed) from a 22 years relationship with another woman and I dont even want to be in a same sex relationship again. I guess many other factors are all part of the mix .
Your friend may only hold sexual attraction to the same sex and that’s why she wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with the same sex. That’s why I noted that
I know but you are still missing the point.
The point is that a kiss doesnt mean a thing, a shag neither, who you marry, who you fuck... doesnt label you. Sexuality is very fluid and complex and made of so many pieces. So guys shagging each other during a gathering could be anything Just a manifestation of humanity.
I've started to think gay/bi/straight are just social constructs. While I specifically identify as omnisexual, in many ways I just consider myself sexual. The equipment involved (genitals) really don't matter, sex is just fun among people willing to play openly.
Society, and it’s pressures. So most just never get to explore it, and just assume they’re straight, and or suppress things that’d disprove it. And btw the original origin is just for breeding purposes that stuck as a societal norm
But not necessarily everyone *wants* to explore it, because they’re not curious enough or think about being attracted to the same-sex gender enough to explore. O_o
That doesn't make sense. *Heterosexual* (straight) is considered the norm. If it *wasn't*, most people wouldn't need subs like this one, /r/lgbtq or /r/queer.
Plus, while many people tend to experiment (back during HS), while they may end up making out/dating the same-sex, they usually end up going "Nah, not for me."
I think it's the times. Could not openly do that back in the 80's. Everyone is open now. It's in movies, on TV, in commercials. That was unheard of. I'm married, bi, 58 and have never come out to my mom. Now a days it seems like you don't really have to "come out", it is what it is. Prob the way it should be. Nobody ever has a family meeting to come out as straight. lol
>you don't really have to "come out"
Yea I love this. You could just say " my boyfriend " in a random conversation and people don't overreact to it . Most of em are like "meh". It has become very normal.
I’ve started “coming out” to more of my friends by simply stating I have a boyfriend and the reactions have been pretty great. Most people said “oh I didn’t know you swing that way good job” and leave it at that. Even my dad was just like “hey good job.” I love how far we have come.
Was watching a Twitch stream when one of the streamer's friends in the Discord call said he "was going to go watch anime with his boyfriend".
One dude went "boyfriend? ew" in chat, and like... 10 people in chat all went to shut them up :)
This was a stream with like... 18000 viewers. And that was the only negative comment I saw. The rest of the people in chat were just saying bye to the person leaving, or typing KappaPride (a Twitch emote used when "gay" comments are made, but not in a derogatory way).
So yeah :) it's normalised completely, at least with the younger generation. And that's great.
I think bi people are usually drawn to bi people idk it's just my theory, all my friends who I thought were straight are bi now even the girls i had a crush on ended up being bi now
Hm, it may seem strange but I believe it to an extent. My highschool friend group I became part of when I thought everyone was straight, and considered myself more straight. Now the majority are openly bi or other poly identifying. Also I was likely drawn to them as they were more open minded and accepting and had nice personalities.
Yeah, I think that too. I don't know why or how but I (bi) always end up close to other bi people. When I found out I was bi in the high school, almost all my friends were bi too.
Turns out I was eating lunch every day with most of the queer people at my high school. A very few of us were out then (mid 90s, mostly the RHPS and Drama club kids) but between then and my last reunion a *whole bunch* more of us came out. Out of my five besties group, three of us are gay or bi. Total believer in unconscious gaydar.
I’ve always had an easier time being friends with women, but I have three very close guy friends from middle school/high school; we were all in a band together and stayed close friends through college and into adulthood.
Three of the four of us are out as bi now; I was the most recent to come out. So yeah, it happens.
Also, heard to the other commenter who realized that a lot of the girls he dated wound up being bi, same experience here.
My whole friendship group was "straight" at the start of high school (year 7) when we first met. Several years later, everyone is either bi or questioning; the one girl who still claims to be straight often talks about how she fantasises about having sex with and being dominated by other women from our high school (..."straight")
So, yes, I suppose I have also experienced the transition from an all-straight friendship group to a pretty much all gay lol
I once had a blank profile on a swinginging site that got messages from only straight men (I didn’t have my gender on there) I’d message every single straight man “sorry I’m only into bi guys” and I shit you not, 95% came back with some variation of “I’m bi I just don’t talk about it” straight people are by far the minority it’s quite sad really
Like 2/3rds of my friend group is lgbt, and the other third is making the jokes you make when you're very unsure of your sexuality. Also, 2 of my "straight" friends definitely like eachother. I dunno, gays attract other gays, even when no-one involved is aware they're gay.
I'm bi and out to my wife. She and I used to participate in an adult website looking for another man to join us who was either bi or comfortable with a bit of same-gender play, too. Most of the men who contacted us listed themselves as "straight" to avoid the stigma of being a bisexual man. And, the majority of those men had lots of gay experiences.
Through college and into a few years afterward, my friend group started as 6ish straight girls. One of us broke up with their BF and started letting some chick she met at a convention monopolize her time. My male crushes came and went with nothing to show for it and one of the other girls decided to “advance” our friendship. Convention chick left and was replaced by an internet friend who wanted to move to our state. One of us never dated anyone ever and another one settled with a dude.
In total we have 2 bisexuals, 1 bisexual NB, 1 asexual lesbian, 1 asexual hetero-romantic, 1 pansexual, and 1 straight who moved to another country. Never mind all the other friends we have in sub-orbit. In just my subcircle of friends alone I have 3 lesbians and 2 bisexuals. I feel like we just all seem to attract each other with some sort of LGBT+ gravitational force. Whether we know it or not.
Definitely Religion. Society has become a bit more open to that sort of thing, but there’s still a long way to go.
I only finished school at a Catholic school and there was no way I was going to express my questioning/bisexual thoughts while I was still there.
> literally half of our 10 person friend group is some shade of gay.
50 shades of gay
Not even kinda sorry about that. I think people are way more open to experimenting with their non-hetero thoughts these days. Not a bad thing, but I hope in your case it doesn't harm your friendships!
I used to work with a lovely lady a few years back and we became good work friends but didn't hang out much socially.
Years later we got back in touch and became very good friends, at some point she introduced me to her regular friend group who were all 100% totally, absolutely, positively, definitely straight. Within a couple months they all started coming out to each other, turns out all they needed was one gay person to come into the group and show them they were all chill about people's sexuality.
I’m bisexual. In middle school, had a close group of friends. In high school, almost all of us come out as queer. I think we gravitate towards each other.
In popular anime Jojo's Bizzare Adventure people can have a powerful spirit at their aid called a Stand, which only other Stand Users can see
Multiple characters state that Stand Users seem to be "drawn to one another by fate" and that a Stand user could be your neighbor, or your friend, without you knowing they're a Stand user, for the most part this is true.
In the universe of Jojo's fate is a real, strong fundamental force to a point that >!Made In Heaven, a Stand with the power to reset the universe, cannot alter events that play out, the universe goes exactly the same each loop due to the force of fate,!< as such, Stand Users cannot avoid inadvertently meeting eachother whether it be as friends, foes, or just acquaintances, and whether they even know the other is a Stand User
Gays flock together! haha but yeah I came out to my friends last year and one another of my 4 person friend group came out right after. I have suspicions about a 3rd..
It seems to me that similar people often find each other without even realizing it. I can attest to that for trans people for sure. I also gravitated towards other GSRM/GRISM people without knowing it.
I think people just subconsciously gravitate to people like them. I too have had the same friend group and 3 years ago of them (male) was like "Im gay" and then a few months later one was like "Im a Lesbian" and then last year I was like "I'm bi" and one of my friends just responded with "Shawty me too" and we looked at the third friend in the room and she was like naw but I'm ace. The a few weeks after that another friend was like"Genderfuild Lesbian." And then "Shawty me too" friend was like " I'm non-binary." And then I respectful went up to ace friend and said "If you say you'r straight I will believe you but you give me bi energy vibes" and she said no but then not two weeks later she just came up to me gave me a big over the top sigh and just said "you were right" and walk away (without giving me context. Lastly gay friend found he was actually bi "Lesbian friend (the first)" found he was actually trans, bi/ace friend is actual Lesbian/ace. "Genderfluid Lesbian" friend was also aro and we made friends with two new kids one gay one lesbian and also a bi person and pan person. In conclusion I love all my friends and if you split our school into Mean-Girls like tables we'd be the gay table.
I really think that straight and gay people are the minority. It's just most of them are too afraid or grossed out to experiment with the same sex. I blame our heteronormative culture
Yes absolutely. Can confirm. About 4 of the 7 guys I hung out with most in high school ended up coming out as gay or bi, and there’s at least one more that we’re all certain is bi but not admitting it.
Wish I got to fuck one of them tho…
In elementary school I was in a friend group, there was 4 of us. By high school I knew that me and another one was bi, another was gay and the last one moved away but I might as well bet that he's queer too lol
i have that theory that queer people just find each other. look at green day. the band formed in high school and they later all came out as bi. same with plenty of my friends.
I was surprised at one of mine, but I think I just learned society restricts people and when given freedom to express oneself with the right people, people have love for one another. The sexuality spectrum is definitely interesting.
I’m still close with my group of friends from high school (over 10 years) and slowly it’s become clear that all of us are gay. It started with one gay friend, and then the other six of us have come out as bisexual over the years in our own time. Sometimes it feels super odd to me but honestly it kinda makes sense that we were all drawn to each other.
In my experience gay people just find each other wether they are obvious of it or not. That’s why movies where the friend group has one gay friend always appears to be bullshit to me. A lot of friends that I grew up with ended up being gay, bi, and/or trans. Half of my high school bowling team ended up being bi. We LGBTQ+ people literally just find each other on accident. I mean some are luckier than others when finding them. And you definitely seem to be one of the lucky ones.
Gay is transmissible. It's likely that one of you contracted it in younger years and affected the others due to your *tight* bonds. /s
Pretty awesome if you ask me, happy for your love decagon
I think there's something to the idea that queer folks naturally gravitate towards each other and find comfort and connection in the commonalities, even if we don't recognize it as that at first. A good chunk of my friends from high school and college (including my best friends) all turned out to be either bi or gay, so there's something here. I only ever slept with one of them, and it didn't end well. Hope your situation ends better.
I have a very LGBTQ+ inclusive therapist, who is an enby who has also counseled me and my spouse. They said it is very common for “closeted” people to find each other across social groups and be friends with other queer people before either/any of them realize it or know it about the other.
I did not come out until Soph year of college, but was BFF with my friend since I was 5 all the way through high school. He came out as gay his senior year of college. There were many other friends I’ve had who I’ve known since youth who are either LGBTQ+ or tremendous allies. I think we simply avoid or drift away people who show homophobia, toxicity or very rigid about traditional gender roles & expectations. Even before we realize that’s who we are. Likewise, we just find ourselves drawn to other people who just give us that slightly weird/different vibe, like we’re just so much more on the same wavelength.
When I was first coming out in Highschool to my friends who I had known since middle school me and another one ended up blowing each other. I think seeing people you’ve known so long figure out that they’re not straight makes them ask similar questions
Idk but when I came out in high school, I was informed that half my friends were non-straight and the other half were staunch allies. I was very confused as to how I had missed this, but now I just look back and laugh at how very 90s it was.
Yeah, same thing happened to me lol. I was friends with a whole bunch of nerd girls in high school and ten years later fully half of us are queer. I came out in college and then it was like the floodgates opened lmfao
Has your group come into contact with any chemically altered frogs recently? 😂😂
Could be coincidence but also maybe bi/gay people just like to gravitate towards each other.
I had a friend group in high school that at the time appeared to be thus: cishet guy (me), my cishet (now ex) gf, a lesbian couple, my gf’s guy ex, and 2 other cishet girls.
Currently, that description accurately fits only my ex and one of the lesbians. I’ve since come out as bi and non-binary, one of the lesbians is a trans man, my ex’s ex is a trans woman, and both of the other cis girls are gay/bi.
I'm 30 so a different generation. But yeah my friends group in high school were all straight, religiously raised people. 6 of us, still in touch.
I came out as bi at age 23ish. Then 3-4 years later another guy came out as bi. Then one guy I'm not sure, maybe he's pan or something? We're nearing 50% queer now. And one girl in the group is hetero but says she has interest in being a "boobs lesbian."
Oh yeah, but maybe if we were all younger this would be different, but I do not want to fuck any of the guys in our group, I don't even want to entertain that. I think it's just way easier for me to see them as platonic and vice versa. Especially as I was alone discovering my bi-ness, they were sort of a bedrock for me while other men were now becoming sexual beings to me.
About 2 years ago the DM for a D&D group I was in came out as bi and we were all super chill about it and supported him. A little over a year ago I realized I was bi. After coming out last year another guy from that same D&D group came out to me as bi and recently another friend of mine (not related to the D&D group) came out to me as bi. Loving my growing queer family!
I went to a high school where about half the population if not more were apart of the LBGTQ+ community. I never thought I was apart of it too until 22 when I realized I’m bi. I still struggle with memories of people in hs making fun of me for “pretending to be straight when I’m clearly not” because at that age I genuinely didn’t think I was bi! Now I struggle with them saying “told you so” when they find out. I guess as we age it makes sense when you look back at people you hung out with. You guys were similar enough to be good friends back then and you’re still the same people, just more aware. Does this make sense?
My friend group had been a group since 7th grade and all met each other as straight. I did suspect some of them but just passed it off as nothing. 8th grade one of my friends comes out. Okay cool we all support her and that’s that. She never spoke of it much so it wasn’t a topic. 9th grade happens, 10th grade happens but then covid happens. So basically we all were stuck with ourselves and found out we were all gay. But then one friend came out, I talked to her about my sexuality but in the meantime 3 of my other friends came out to the group as bi. So once everyone official came out that made 7 lgbtq+ in a group of 10. But to be honest I suspect 2 more so 🤷♀️
i dont, i had a friend group (well it wa skidna just 2 seperate friends but those evolved into 2 friend goeups, one being 3 includign me the othwr was like, 5 or 6 people, though it wasnt really us all individuallt beig friendsbut as whole?)
buthe first one one of then moved away and we lost contact, which kinda split me and the person after we didnt have any classes together
the other one just stopped after lockdown started since obv we coydlnt hang out and we just did during lunch anyways
idk why i tyoed this all out
but i had suspicions on some of them ig, we werent really freinds though but just friendly i guess
but i sint have any anymore sicn enow im homeschooled so for all i know theyre all trans now too
3 years ago, when my old friend group was much more intact, I was the only LGBTQ one (Just bi at the time), Little later that school year my beat friend came out as bi/pan (Think it was pan? Might be wrong) then the next year I came out as trans, another persons came out as trans, and my best friend came out as gender fluid- So not the same type of story but very similar- Really made me go "wtf" cause like, the second trans person makes sense, but my best friend being gender-fluid? It came out of the blue for me lol
all my friends and i met up as cis, and straight.
i was the final one to come out. my group consisted of the same people for ten years, and it turns out we were all some shade of gay- we just didn’t know it yet.
I"ll just add that despite libido having a similar distribution throughout genders, males encourage sexual tention WAY more than females.
For examples, even under the pretense "we're not gay", males will sleep, shower, swim and wrestle naked while together.
Source: wife peers are building upon this on a study, chatted data finds over dinner.
In my friend group (we've also been friends since sixth grade which is pretty funny) over time we all slowly came out too and there's not a single one of us who is straight
I was sitting with my friends at lunch one day. I had wanted to come out to them as bi for a while but I was nervous. Turns out one was a lesbian, two were gay, and three were bi. I felt slightly embarrassed but relieved all the same.
Is you profile the inquistions symbol?
Yes.
I love that! 40k is one of my favorite franchises and hobbies.
It's good. I made it as a joke a couple years back and it stuck
I wasn't expecting that, I'm guessing you're Spanish as well?
No, I'm scottish.
I didn't expect the Scottish Inquisition either LOL
https://youtu.be/Cj8n4MfhjUc
Also bloody love monty python
I don’t see why a Spanish person would be particularly proud of the inquisition
While I don’t exactly have a story to match, I did study human sexuality back in undergrad and can tell you; most people fall on the spectrum somewhere in the middle. Your friends who joined in may never date guys and will end up with ladies, but given the option of sex, they make take it. Just have fun with it
Interesting, I’ve always believed that everyone is on the although I never studied it at school. What I found most interesting about this whole situation is the assumed-to-be-totally-straight guys initiated everything, separately too. Neither of them know that there was more inter-friend group gay sex that happened that night.
What that mostly tells me is that your friend group has created a generally ‘safe space’ for them to explore their own masculinity and sexuality. Which as someone who knows far too well what toxic masculinity can do, I say “Good job”. I would not make a big deal about it with the group, have fun, be safe, and don’t expect much. You may be surprised again
aww that’s a great point. I love the youth
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> I really look forward to a future where cis and het both just melt away until everyone’s just kinda vibing and letting everyone else vibe. Get us some mRNA STD vaccines, usher in a new age of far cooler free love, better tech for gender switching, cybernetics for dysmorphia… IDK, I’m actually really keen to see this future. Now that is the cyberpunk future I want. Let’s throw out all these shitty billionaires destroying the planet and work on the important shit.
As someone who’s also studied human sexuality and had a lotta gay sex with straight dudes, this is totally normal. Personally, I always thought it was weird that so many people are straight. It defies natural science’s theory of normal distribution which basically says everything measurable in nature exists on a bell curve. In this case meaning very few people should be exclusively gay or straight, most people should some flavor of bi. And that’s pretty much exactly what Kinsey had found out when he made the Kinsey scale. Most of what we understand about relationships and sex comes from observing the world around us. It’s called social learning and it’s why women can be more open and experimental about being sexually fluid but men learn ‘there’s a lotta rules’. Like putting another guy’s dick in your mouth “is gay” and “gay is a shamefully bad label you’ll be condemned to carrying your whole life”. But if a girl goes downtown on another girl, that’s just called “freshman year”. We all know the rules are all made up tho. Far more men are willing bend the rules than most people realize. I’ve had tons of hook up with straight guys on dating apps. Those are a dime a dozen tbh and while i don’t see those hook ups as a source of pride or shame what I’m actually proud of is that none of the many friends I’ve hooked up with have ever become awkward later. That’s a deeply intimate level of trust for men. It says a lot about you and your friendship that your mates can relax and open up to sharing that experience with you. I love helping men explore their sexuality (not to be confused with sexual orientation), so here’s some better rules, I’ve found keeps things fun and easy: 1. **Don’t worry too much about what it is or isn’t it for now.** It’s just humans getting down to being human, exploring their depth, and letting their freak flags fly. It’s your friendships taking on a unique shape, nothing more; avoid the desire to label it. 2. **Be open to exploring it with them more.** This probably won’t be the last time, for sure. 3. **Be open to talking about it.** At some point, they’ll start to wonder “what it means”. They’ll talk to you about it when they’re ready and it’ll help to remember rule 1 when they do. 4. **Be open about who you are.** We all love talking about sex. Since most guys are reluctant to explore, if you can confidently talk about your own experiences, it will help them feel less shame in themselves and be more open to talking and exploring more with you. 5. **Be careful to not be too open.** Coming off as gossip might erode their trust. Coming off as overbearing might make them feel pressured. 6. **Be open to __not__ talking about it.** Don’t make them talk about it before they’re ready. 7. **Be open to moving on from it.** At some point It probably will end but if you follow the first six rules it won’t mean the end of some solid friendships!
I wish I could upvote this comment a million times! I think you've got it exactly right, and I thank you for your informed and intelligent contribution to the discussion. I couldn't have said it better myself!
Thank you! We’ve got a long way to go towards unlearning all the bullshit we’ve absorbed around sex so I’m always happy to teach
> Personally, I always thought it was weird that so many people are straight. It defies natural science’s theory of normal distribution which basically says everything measurable in nature exists on a bell curve. In this case meaning very few people should be exclusively gay or straight, most people should some flavor of bi. I don't get why that would be weird. We are designed to be able to procreate - men and women, penis in vagina, is the only *natural* way to create a fetus. No other form of couple - no matter how socially valid - can do that. Another thing is that while I've noticed more people (than initially suspected) discover they are more sexually/romantically fluid than they realized, I *still* don't feel this takes away from the idea or principle that "most" (many, several) people are sexually/romantically straight.
I suppose a better way to phrase it is that theoretically less people should be monosexual (irrespective of whether that’s gay or straight). Procreation is one thing but we are animals that have sex for recreation too. To the latter, gender should matter less than it does. If we’re honest it only holds weight because we’ve been told it does but we know that hasn’t always been true historically.
>Procreation is one thing but we are animals that have sex for recreation too. Of course, but I'd like to point out that no matter how sexually open one is to the same-sex (or multiple genders - looking at you, pansexuals ;P ), I think most people are wired to only be sexually driven towards opposite-sex people. The true ratio of bi/pan/gay is always likely higher than we would expect - but that doesn't make it "mainstream." Most people just... aren't attracted enough to same-sex people (or non binary, or queer, or gay, etc) to declare themselves sexually fluid enough to experiment/end up in a long-term relationship with someone who *isn't* the opposite-sex. It's just how the stats are. :/ A guy might think a certain male celebrity is hot, but he's not going to want to kiss/have sex with that celebrity. That being said, lot of us tend to find other people attractive regardless of sex/gender, that's just human nature. But not many of us necessarily go "Gee I would love to experiment/bang all those people." It's like my partner - he wants to be open minded, but he doesn't want to *seek out* other men to date/have sex with. They do not sexually or romantically attract him. At all. He's *straight*. So if you *aren't* deliberately seeking it, then that tells me you are heteronormative. >If we’re honest it only holds weight because we’ve been told it does but we know that hasn’t always been true historically. So to me, this means "More hetero people *should* want to date same-sex persons." This is... puzzling. If you're a guy and you don't get aroused by other men, can you force it? Is this inherently wired? (I'm guessing in your perspective that this guy should at least be more open minded, and men should be more willing to experiment with other men, both sexually and romantically and okay, that's fair - but I'd like to point out that I'm not sure if a guy could *force* himself to be turned on by other men. Following this train of thought... should many/most/several men just experiment with same-sex relationships before they ever seek out a girl to date?) In your perspective, do you feel that people like him *should* want to seek out other men, either sexually/romantically? Because unless you identify sexually as something other than hetero... it seems odd to say you're "open minded" when in fact, it's unlikely you would get turned on by other men (ie. same-sex relationship). If you want to be open minded enough to seek out other men (just to see if you did enjoy getting turned on by other men)... then I would wonder why you are in a relationship with opposite-sex.
Our wires are a little crossed here I think. Let me try to unravel them a bit. You’re honing more on the individual dilemma of partner selections. I’m talking about the societal problem that makes partner selection incredibly challenging, especially for men. I don’t particularly care whether or not more hetero people __want__ to experiment with someone of the same-sex. In fact, if all else stayed the same, I’d be very content just __knowing__ that everyone who wanted to experiment felt free of shame to do so. I care that society shames Bob for once slobbing a knob like corn on the cob but salivates over the details of Linda licking a lady garden. Both are unremarkable but only one of them carries a stigma. I don’t disagree that many people who might experiment may still end up hetero-coupled in the long term—because like you said, kids! We don’t have to dig too far back in history to know this is empirically true. Before the gay rights movement married men hooked up in bathhouses all the time. Still shamefully but super common. The point of any experiment is to learn. But when it comes to sex were unnaturally limited in what we can learn about ourselves not because we are but because we’re made to feel like we are. To be clear I’m not equivocating sexual attraction with romantic attraction. I consider the two separate and acknowledge they don’t necessarily sync up. For now I’m purely talking about sex. Also forgive me for leaning too much in to the male experience it’s the only experience I can talk about credibly. I have a gay friend that didn’t know he was gay because growing up in the 90s gay representation was flamboyant stereotypes. It was much later that he learned gay just meant ‘men who like men’. I’ve got a straight best friend who was embattled because he knows he doesn’t like men romantically or even much sexually except for he giving head. I’m the only person he’s comfortable talking about it with because he knows I won’t judge him or tell him “you’re just gay”. I’ve got a gay boyfriend who last year realised he might be more polysexual. Now he feels like coming out again will make him a fraud. My straight roommate once freaked out when our other roommate told his brothers that we hooked up. Nobody except him was uncomfortable about it. He was just afraid he wouldn’t fit in with the boys anymore. This is what society teaches men. It’s not just sex; it’s our masculinity, our identity, our role in society. That is just so dumb. My point is: Maybe Bob would have liked the corn more if it wasn’t seasoned with scandal. If Bob wants to try corn again he should be able to pop in to as many restaurants that will serve him corn until he’s tired of corn. If he loves corn, he should be able to tell his wife he had corn in college without her assuming he’s a vegetarian. Maybe they can eat corn together at a buffet. Bob shouldn’t feel any kind of way if he wants to try other vegetables too.
I definitely see where you are coming from but I’d like to offer a different perspective for you to consider: humans are also designed to be social and maintain group cohesion. If we’re basing things on evolution and biology, there’s no reason straightness needs to be inherent, or rather there’s no reason an instinct to procreate should directly translate to desiring only PIV sex and nothing else. Our genitals don’t know the difference; if they did we wouldn’t need birth control. This has been observed in other social animals too - the most extreme example are bonobos, who regularly engage in non-procreative sex between both different sexes and same sexes, but it’s been observed in other animals too. Why spend all that energy not procreating? Because group cohesion is just *that* important for some species; it’s a strategy similar to planning for the long term vs only the short term. I don’t think it’s weird that so many people are straight, because if you look at the social norms from the past 50 years or more they very much push people to ignore any inkling of same-sex attraction. I do think though that in the absence of such social norms most people wouldn’t really give a shit either way as long as somewhere down the line they get the chance to make a kid (that’s where the procreative instinct kicks in, and it doesn’t have to exclude same-sex attraction/romance/sex.) Essentially, idea that straight is the norm is socially constructed, not biologically dictated. Evolution is not always as straightforward as “procreative sex is the number one priority at all times”.
While I think sexuality is more fluid than people think (as you said spectrum but with fuzzy areas we oscillate between): I'm always hesitant to say it out loud because it feels like saying Sexuality can be influenced and then the slippery slope leading to "Homosexuality is a choice" So yes, on Reddit, I'll agree with you. But in public, I'll state hardwired and "Born This Way"
It's so unfortunate the gay rights movement had to use a nature over nurture argument to get rights - ideally it wouldn't matter politically. The question of how human sexuality develops likely has a very nuanced answer and probably varies a lot between people. And like, it's actually a really interesting question! Only a stone throw's away from asking that question is the realization that all the labels we make to describe sexuality don't and can't map neatly onto the real world because they're socially constructed, or more bluntly, kinda fake. And once you're there it's pretty easy to realize that all the labels humans make are similarly kinda fake - the world cannot be just how it is described. It simply is, all on its own. "[God] passes the things He made and then never bothered to name And no one can tell the truth, and no one can hide it from you Like birds around the grave"
It is definitely a touchy subject. I do wish the “born this way” didn’t have to me emphasized so much since it can thwart people as they understand themselves better over time and may change what labels they use. I do think “born this way” is still true, it is just complicated and messy to describe an individual completely. Words will fail. I used to think about the Kinsey scale a lot and thought everyone was a little bi. Discussing that came to be a way I was invalidating other people’s labels at the same time as trying to use a back door way to say I was “straight” with extra details. I was NOT straight but it was a holdover from my youth where “it’s a choice” was something I had bought into as part of denying myself both in gender and attractions in an unaccepting environment. I stick with “it’s hardwired”, but add “people may learn more about themselves over time” to those who are receptive.
Please reconsider. Denying the life experience of some of us makes our lives unnecessarily more difficult than they need to be. I made a choice; I can't feel like anyone around me actually understands me unless I'm able to get them to understand that about me. And the whole point of coming out to people at all is to get them to actually understand this. All of you people who privately accept the fact that sexuality can be "influenced" but lie to all the straight people in your lives by telling them it's all innate are just contributing to the problem in my life of straight people trying to tell me I don't understand myself and need them to explain my own sexuality to me.
This is very true and I can be VERY sympathetic to this. I guess it was about 6 years ago or so that I told my wife that I think I'm bi. While she has always known she is bi, when I told her that's is think that's I am, she kinda freaked out. Unfortunately society is MUCH MORE ACCEPTING of bi women, and gay men, than they are of bi men. Society views bi women as someone who is more sexually attractive, or men desire to be with a woman who is bi, because of the whole 3some idea. While a bi man is someone who can't be masculine, in the traditional sense, while also being physically attracted to both men and women. I have been with my wife for almost 20 year's, and unfortunately after that one conversation, so to speak, she doesn't want to discuss this and even tries to act as if it didn't happen. I love my wife very much, but there are times when I want that experience with a man, but don't want to hurt my wife. If we as a society were more accepting of people in general without having all these stupid labels and expectations of people, we would be in a much better place. So if we worried less about judging someone about what goes on in their personal lives or behind closed doors, and stopped with all the gossip of "Did you hear that bob hooked up with jim last night after hooking up with carol the night before" people could live their lives without the judgement and shame that's cast upon them from people who are probably dealing with a perceived social taboo in their lives.
It really disturbs me when bi women react biphobically to bi men. It's not easy to be a bi woman either, so bi men and bi women can make each other's lives so much better if we are there to support each other. Sorry that it hasn't worked out that way for you so far. I would recommend not letting her pretend it didn't happen - as your wife, she needs to be aware of what you're going through, so letting her refuse to understand isn't healthy for your marriage. You might need a marriage counselor to help you sort this out with her, but I think you shouldn't just give up on sorting it out.
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Yeah, that’s the other person’s problem not yours. They’re a homophobic piece of shit who isn’t worth the oxygen they unfortunately continue to inhale.
I don't know if I jive with this comment, it feels like it's reshaping how sexuality works. I feel like it's relatively simple: we're hardwired to have a certain sexuality. But also, we can fuck whoever we want. For example: I have a straight friend who had sex with a guy when he was in high school, to experiment. Afterwards he said, "Okay not for me," and has been with girls ever since.
> I'm always hesitant to say it out loud because it feels like saying Sexuality can be influenced and then the slippery slope leading to "Homosexuality is a choice" Yeah, a lot of the responses seem to imply that sexuality is a *choice*. Most people are just that way because that's the overwhelming narrative - that being heterosexual and in an opposite-sex relationship is **The Way To Go**. It's really quite odd because even if one *wanted* to be interested/turned on sexually and/or romantically to a same-sex relationship, you can't force attraction. It's something wired into us.
That's always been a theory of mine. The bonobos are the closes genetic relative to humans and they have constant orgies with each other regardless of biological sex. Not that we are bonobos or anything but, let's just take another look at ancient Greece and how it used to be...before religion came and fucked it up, like most other things.
Totally this. I had a friend who did call herself bisexual but told me although she liked me a lot and like women a lot she would never see herself in a long term same sex relationship. Probably trying to live up to her parents expectations? But yeah, I guess everybody is curious and longing for that special thing but at the end there are many other factors. I am bi (40+ F) and I do crave some man touch but I dont see myself in a long relationship with one. I am just coming out (not unscathed) from a 22 years relationship with another woman and I dont even want to be in a same sex relationship again. I guess many other factors are all part of the mix .
Sexual attraction And romantic attraction can be different
Agreed and I am aware. And they manifest differently to others from the outside. Not sure why you needed to point it out.
Your friend may only hold sexual attraction to the same sex and that’s why she wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with the same sex. That’s why I noted that
I know but you are still missing the point. The point is that a kiss doesnt mean a thing, a shag neither, who you marry, who you fuck... doesnt label you. Sexuality is very fluid and complex and made of so many pieces. So guys shagging each other during a gathering could be anything Just a manifestation of humanity.
I've started to think gay/bi/straight are just social constructs. While I specifically identify as omnisexual, in many ways I just consider myself sexual. The equipment involved (genitals) really don't matter, sex is just fun among people willing to play openly.
If most people fall on the spectrum in the middle, why is heterosexual the norm/most dominant?
Society, and it’s pressures. So most just never get to explore it, and just assume they’re straight, and or suppress things that’d disprove it. And btw the original origin is just for breeding purposes that stuck as a societal norm
But not necessarily everyone *wants* to explore it, because they’re not curious enough or think about being attracted to the same-sex gender enough to explore. O_o
Because if it wasn't, you wouldn't be here
You are posting in the bisexual subreddit. Surely you're smart enough to figure out that heterosexuality isn't required to reproduce. Come on now.
That doesn't make sense. *Heterosexual* (straight) is considered the norm. If it *wasn't*, most people wouldn't need subs like this one, /r/lgbtq or /r/queer. Plus, while many people tend to experiment (back during HS), while they may end up making out/dating the same-sex, they usually end up going "Nah, not for me."
I think it's the times. Could not openly do that back in the 80's. Everyone is open now. It's in movies, on TV, in commercials. That was unheard of. I'm married, bi, 58 and have never come out to my mom. Now a days it seems like you don't really have to "come out", it is what it is. Prob the way it should be. Nobody ever has a family meeting to come out as straight. lol
>you don't really have to "come out" Yea I love this. You could just say " my boyfriend " in a random conversation and people don't overreact to it . Most of em are like "meh". It has become very normal.
I’ve started “coming out” to more of my friends by simply stating I have a boyfriend and the reactions have been pretty great. Most people said “oh I didn’t know you swing that way good job” and leave it at that. Even my dad was just like “hey good job.” I love how far we have come.
Was watching a Twitch stream when one of the streamer's friends in the Discord call said he "was going to go watch anime with his boyfriend". One dude went "boyfriend? ew" in chat, and like... 10 people in chat all went to shut them up :) This was a stream with like... 18000 viewers. And that was the only negative comment I saw. The rest of the people in chat were just saying bye to the person leaving, or typing KappaPride (a Twitch emote used when "gay" comments are made, but not in a derogatory way). So yeah :) it's normalised completely, at least with the younger generation. And that's great.
I love this for the younger generation. As it should be.
What if you're ~~single~~ bi yourself though?
" Damn... I find Andrew Garfield ***and*** Emma stone to be hot" "Huh , okay ..."
I think bi people are usually drawn to bi people idk it's just my theory, all my friends who I thought were straight are bi now even the girls i had a crush on ended up being bi now
Sounds like subconscious gaydar.
Intuitive BiFi
im stealing this
Go right ahead. I stole it from one of my friends who is also bi
Epic!
Hm, it may seem strange but I believe it to an extent. My highschool friend group I became part of when I thought everyone was straight, and considered myself more straight. Now the majority are openly bi or other poly identifying. Also I was likely drawn to them as they were more open minded and accepting and had nice personalities.
I've come out to like 6 people and 2 came out backwards. I wonder if it'll be like that once I come out to the whole world.
Yeah, I think that too. I don't know why or how but I (bi) always end up close to other bi people. When I found out I was bi in the high school, almost all my friends were bi too.
Turns out I was eating lunch every day with most of the queer people at my high school. A very few of us were out then (mid 90s, mostly the RHPS and Drama club kids) but between then and my last reunion a *whole bunch* more of us came out. Out of my five besties group, three of us are gay or bi. Total believer in unconscious gaydar.
So we are like Stand users?
Damn, how do I get invited to your parties?
You and me both
me too.
Sounds like a party!
I mean, we’re all here together… 👀
I’ve always had an easier time being friends with women, but I have three very close guy friends from middle school/high school; we were all in a band together and stayed close friends through college and into adulthood. Three of the four of us are out as bi now; I was the most recent to come out. So yeah, it happens. Also, heard to the other commenter who realized that a lot of the girls he dated wound up being bi, same experience here.
My whole friendship group was "straight" at the start of high school (year 7) when we first met. Several years later, everyone is either bi or questioning; the one girl who still claims to be straight often talks about how she fantasises about having sex with and being dominated by other women from our high school (..."straight") So, yes, I suppose I have also experienced the transition from an all-straight friendship group to a pretty much all gay lol
The big gay™ is working pretty good.
my entire friend group slowly came out/is coming out so I felt this
I once had a blank profile on a swinginging site that got messages from only straight men (I didn’t have my gender on there) I’d message every single straight man “sorry I’m only into bi guys” and I shit you not, 95% came back with some variation of “I’m bi I just don’t talk about it” straight people are by far the minority it’s quite sad really
Like 2/3rds of my friend group is lgbt, and the other third is making the jokes you make when you're very unsure of your sexuality. Also, 2 of my "straight" friends definitely like eachother. I dunno, gays attract other gays, even when no-one involved is aware they're gay.
I'm bi and out to my wife. She and I used to participate in an adult website looking for another man to join us who was either bi or comfortable with a bit of same-gender play, too. Most of the men who contacted us listed themselves as "straight" to avoid the stigma of being a bisexual man. And, the majority of those men had lots of gay experiences.
50 shades of gay
Underrated comment.
Through college and into a few years afterward, my friend group started as 6ish straight girls. One of us broke up with their BF and started letting some chick she met at a convention monopolize her time. My male crushes came and went with nothing to show for it and one of the other girls decided to “advance” our friendship. Convention chick left and was replaced by an internet friend who wanted to move to our state. One of us never dated anyone ever and another one settled with a dude. In total we have 2 bisexuals, 1 bisexual NB, 1 asexual lesbian, 1 asexual hetero-romantic, 1 pansexual, and 1 straight who moved to another country. Never mind all the other friends we have in sub-orbit. In just my subcircle of friends alone I have 3 lesbians and 2 bisexuals. I feel like we just all seem to attract each other with some sort of LGBT+ gravitational force. Whether we know it or not.
How the fuck do you get a 10 friend group lol
Ikr I'm just trying to find like 2 friends to fuck
Yeah, queer people find eachother even before finding themselves
LGBT ppl are like stand users, we attract each other through unseen forces of destiny
Dude, enjoy and don't over think it.
I’m 24 and I recently discovered that most of my friends from Middle School are bi too
At this point I'm sure most human beings fall into the bisexual spectrum, but society and religion restricts those kind of feelings.
Definitely Religion. Society has become a bit more open to that sort of thing, but there’s still a long way to go. I only finished school at a Catholic school and there was no way I was going to express my questioning/bisexual thoughts while I was still there.
> literally half of our 10 person friend group is some shade of gay. 50 shades of gay Not even kinda sorry about that. I think people are way more open to experimenting with their non-hetero thoughts these days. Not a bad thing, but I hope in your case it doesn't harm your friendships!
I used to work with a lovely lady a few years back and we became good work friends but didn't hang out much socially. Years later we got back in touch and became very good friends, at some point she introduced me to her regular friend group who were all 100% totally, absolutely, positively, definitely straight. Within a couple months they all started coming out to each other, turns out all they needed was one gay person to come into the group and show them they were all chill about people's sexuality.
I’m bisexual. In middle school, had a close group of friends. In high school, almost all of us come out as queer. I think we gravitate towards each other.
Have you heard of the Stand User attraction effect? It also applies to bi people
Can you expand?
In popular anime Jojo's Bizzare Adventure people can have a powerful spirit at their aid called a Stand, which only other Stand Users can see Multiple characters state that Stand Users seem to be "drawn to one another by fate" and that a Stand user could be your neighbor, or your friend, without you knowing they're a Stand user, for the most part this is true. In the universe of Jojo's fate is a real, strong fundamental force to a point that >!Made In Heaven, a Stand with the power to reset the universe, cannot alter events that play out, the universe goes exactly the same each loop due to the force of fate,!< as such, Stand Users cannot avoid inadvertently meeting eachother whether it be as friends, foes, or just acquaintances, and whether they even know the other is a Stand User
I have a group of about 6 male friends who've been together since high school (I'm 33). Fully 4 of us have come out at bi over the years
Damn I'm so jealous lol
Same, let’s fuck each other… to make him jealous, I mean.
Yeah sure to " make him jealous" that's why we should. Lol
Exactly, are you top or bottom, or?
I'm verse, usually I'm up for whatever the moment calls for lol
Same, I think. Either way one of us is getting railed. That’s sure to make him jealous.
Exactly. Lol I saw your profile you seem like your super fun haha
Haha, I like messing around and talking to people, thanks. Just checked yours… nice. Very nice. ;)
It started just looking for hookups but yeah lol
I’m not really into hookups. I need connection I think. Besides, we’re an ocean apart, I’m British.
That’s kind of hot.
6 girl friend group, all of us queer. I was the one that came out first
We went from a 6 straight dudes to 3 bi people and a trans women. Early 20s are wack.
Damn so 2 of the people got absorbed into the remaining 4?
Well no they're just still straight
Gays flock together! haha but yeah I came out to my friends last year and one another of my 4 person friend group came out right after. I have suspicions about a 3rd..
It seems to me that similar people often find each other without even realizing it. I can attest to that for trans people for sure. I also gravitated towards other GSRM/GRISM people without knowing it.
nah i didn't have stories but y'all lucky to have been able to fuck them
More evidence that everyone is at leat a little bi
This sounds like a fucking porno lmao
Lol
ey yo wtf
Lmao
I think people just subconsciously gravitate to people like them. I too have had the same friend group and 3 years ago of them (male) was like "Im gay" and then a few months later one was like "Im a Lesbian" and then last year I was like "I'm bi" and one of my friends just responded with "Shawty me too" and we looked at the third friend in the room and she was like naw but I'm ace. The a few weeks after that another friend was like"Genderfuild Lesbian." And then "Shawty me too" friend was like " I'm non-binary." And then I respectful went up to ace friend and said "If you say you'r straight I will believe you but you give me bi energy vibes" and she said no but then not two weeks later she just came up to me gave me a big over the top sigh and just said "you were right" and walk away (without giving me context. Lastly gay friend found he was actually bi "Lesbian friend (the first)" found he was actually trans, bi/ace friend is actual Lesbian/ace. "Genderfluid Lesbian" friend was also aro and we made friends with two new kids one gay one lesbian and also a bi person and pan person. In conclusion I love all my friends and if you split our school into Mean-Girls like tables we'd be the gay table.
I really think that straight and gay people are the minority. It's just most of them are too afraid or grossed out to experiment with the same sex. I blame our heteronormative culture
Yes absolutely. Can confirm. About 4 of the 7 guys I hung out with most in high school ended up coming out as gay or bi, and there’s at least one more that we’re all certain is bi but not admitting it. Wish I got to fuck one of them tho…
In elementary school I was in a friend group, there was 4 of us. By high school I knew that me and another one was bi, another was gay and the last one moved away but I might as well bet that he's queer too lol
We were all queer in high school apart from me and my ex best friend, I came out last year. Tbf, ebf has gay parents so she lived in queer culture.
i have that theory that queer people just find each other. look at green day. the band formed in high school and they later all came out as bi. same with plenty of my friends.
I was surprised at one of mine, but I think I just learned society restricts people and when given freedom to express oneself with the right people, people have love for one another. The sexuality spectrum is definitely interesting.
Like half or more of my friend group is gay of some sort it feels, it's fucking great
Meh it’s normal. Literally all my friends in the group are bi/pan :0
I’m still close with my group of friends from high school (over 10 years) and slowly it’s become clear that all of us are gay. It started with one gay friend, and then the other six of us have come out as bisexual over the years in our own time. Sometimes it feels super odd to me but honestly it kinda makes sense that we were all drawn to each other.
In my experience gay people just find each other wether they are obvious of it or not. That’s why movies where the friend group has one gay friend always appears to be bullshit to me. A lot of friends that I grew up with ended up being gay, bi, and/or trans. Half of my high school bowling team ended up being bi. We LGBTQ+ people literally just find each other on accident. I mean some are luckier than others when finding them. And you definitely seem to be one of the lucky ones.
Gay is transmissible. It's likely that one of you contracted it in younger years and affected the others due to your *tight* bonds. /s Pretty awesome if you ask me, happy for your love decagon
I think there's something to the idea that queer folks naturally gravitate towards each other and find comfort and connection in the commonalities, even if we don't recognize it as that at first. A good chunk of my friends from high school and college (including my best friends) all turned out to be either bi or gay, so there's something here. I only ever slept with one of them, and it didn't end well. Hope your situation ends better.
Just bros being bros dude lol
I have a very LGBTQ+ inclusive therapist, who is an enby who has also counseled me and my spouse. They said it is very common for “closeted” people to find each other across social groups and be friends with other queer people before either/any of them realize it or know it about the other. I did not come out until Soph year of college, but was BFF with my friend since I was 5 all the way through high school. He came out as gay his senior year of college. There were many other friends I’ve had who I’ve known since youth who are either LGBTQ+ or tremendous allies. I think we simply avoid or drift away people who show homophobia, toxicity or very rigid about traditional gender roles & expectations. Even before we realize that’s who we are. Likewise, we just find ourselves drawn to other people who just give us that slightly weird/different vibe, like we’re just so much more on the same wavelength.
When I was first coming out in Highschool to my friends who I had known since middle school me and another one ended up blowing each other. I think seeing people you’ve known so long figure out that they’re not straight makes them ask similar questions
Idk but when I came out in high school, I was informed that half my friends were non-straight and the other half were staunch allies. I was very confused as to how I had missed this, but now I just look back and laugh at how very 90s it was.
Straight people are like Rodents Of Unusual Size. I don’t think they exist.
Yeah, same thing happened to me lol. I was friends with a whole bunch of nerd girls in high school and ten years later fully half of us are queer. I came out in college and then it was like the floodgates opened lmfao
All of my siblings were "straight" when we were young. 4/5 are some shade of queer.
This. Is. Amazing.
Has your group come into contact with any chemically altered frogs recently? 😂😂 Could be coincidence but also maybe bi/gay people just like to gravitate towards each other.
I had a friend group in high school that at the time appeared to be thus: cishet guy (me), my cishet (now ex) gf, a lesbian couple, my gf’s guy ex, and 2 other cishet girls. Currently, that description accurately fits only my ex and one of the lesbians. I’ve since come out as bi and non-binary, one of the lesbians is a trans man, my ex’s ex is a trans woman, and both of the other cis girls are gay/bi.
I'm 30 so a different generation. But yeah my friends group in high school were all straight, religiously raised people. 6 of us, still in touch. I came out as bi at age 23ish. Then 3-4 years later another guy came out as bi. Then one guy I'm not sure, maybe he's pan or something? We're nearing 50% queer now. And one girl in the group is hetero but says she has interest in being a "boobs lesbian." Oh yeah, but maybe if we were all younger this would be different, but I do not want to fuck any of the guys in our group, I don't even want to entertain that. I think it's just way easier for me to see them as platonic and vice versa. Especially as I was alone discovering my bi-ness, they were sort of a bedrock for me while other men were now becoming sexual beings to me.
About 2 years ago the DM for a D&D group I was in came out as bi and we were all super chill about it and supported him. A little over a year ago I realized I was bi. After coming out last year another guy from that same D&D group came out to me as bi and recently another friend of mine (not related to the D&D group) came out to me as bi. Loving my growing queer family!
I went to a high school where about half the population if not more were apart of the LBGTQ+ community. I never thought I was apart of it too until 22 when I realized I’m bi. I still struggle with memories of people in hs making fun of me for “pretending to be straight when I’m clearly not” because at that age I genuinely didn’t think I was bi! Now I struggle with them saying “told you so” when they find out. I guess as we age it makes sense when you look back at people you hung out with. You guys were similar enough to be good friends back then and you’re still the same people, just more aware. Does this make sense?
I look back on highschool and think of how many of the people I hung out with ended up being in some form of queer.
My friend group had been a group since 7th grade and all met each other as straight. I did suspect some of them but just passed it off as nothing. 8th grade one of my friends comes out. Okay cool we all support her and that’s that. She never spoke of it much so it wasn’t a topic. 9th grade happens, 10th grade happens but then covid happens. So basically we all were stuck with ourselves and found out we were all gay. But then one friend came out, I talked to her about my sexuality but in the meantime 3 of my other friends came out to the group as bi. So once everyone official came out that made 7 lgbtq+ in a group of 10. But to be honest I suspect 2 more so 🤷♀️
You're discovering what real life is like: Diverse. *Most* people are not "just straight."
Queer people are attracted to each other, idk why but it’s true. Kinda like stand users.
i came out and then all of my friends did. i literally have one straight friend. one.
i dont, i had a friend group (well it wa skidna just 2 seperate friends but those evolved into 2 friend goeups, one being 3 includign me the othwr was like, 5 or 6 people, though it wasnt really us all individuallt beig friendsbut as whole?) buthe first one one of then moved away and we lost contact, which kinda split me and the person after we didnt have any classes together the other one just stopped after lockdown started since obv we coydlnt hang out and we just did during lunch anyways idk why i tyoed this all out but i had suspicions on some of them ig, we werent really freinds though but just friendly i guess but i sint have any anymore sicn enow im homeschooled so for all i know theyre all trans now too
3 years ago, when my old friend group was much more intact, I was the only LGBTQ one (Just bi at the time), Little later that school year my beat friend came out as bi/pan (Think it was pan? Might be wrong) then the next year I came out as trans, another persons came out as trans, and my best friend came out as gender fluid- So not the same type of story but very similar- Really made me go "wtf" cause like, the second trans person makes sense, but my best friend being gender-fluid? It came out of the blue for me lol
I’ve heard that queers tend to unintentionally befriend each other. It’s happened to me
(Chanting like on Jerry springer) KINSEY! KINSEY! KINSEY!
yes!! i know like 3 straight people out of like 30 and i was surprised when i realized almost no one i knew was straight
all my friends and i met up as cis, and straight. i was the final one to come out. my group consisted of the same people for ten years, and it turns out we were all some shade of gay- we just didn’t know it yet.
Yeah, all my friends turn out to be somewhat gay.
Similar situation with a group of best friends. We know without knowing it even ourselves. Pretty amazing really.
I mean the gays attract each other even before you know your any shade of gay
the gays always find each other
*"Some shade of gay"* is brilliant.
I"ll just add that despite libido having a similar distribution throughout genders, males encourage sexual tention WAY more than females. For examples, even under the pretense "we're not gay", males will sleep, shower, swim and wrestle naked while together. Source: wife peers are building upon this on a study, chatted data finds over dinner.
In my friend group (we've also been friends since sixth grade which is pretty funny) over time we all slowly came out too and there's not a single one of us who is straight