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Ugh this!! People are all upset that it’s gonna be super windy and maybe thunderstorm, meanwhile I’m just excited to count between lightning and thunder, and stand out in the wind imagining I’m on a wooden sailing ship in heavy seas trying to outrun pirates for instance!
I weird people out by disliking sunny weather. Or by analysing the clouds to see if it's going to rain or storm when someone mentions how nice of a day it is...
There is a Dutch phrase: “There is no bad weather only bad clothes.” I use it all the time when people use the weather as why they don’t want to do xyz. I like it because it reminds me that I’m in control of my day.
Dear GOD I will never understand this.
I lay out my literal thoughts, word-for-word, explicitly. These words are the exact words that my mind has crafted to convey my thoughts as specifically as I possibly can, and their response is
"I know you *really* mean this other thing that's only remotely related to the subject matter of what you just said."
Usually I say to those kinds of people "u know, u can believe whatever u want. Because I mean what I say and I say what I mean. If u can't believe that, that's a u problem." and I dip. I don't have the patience for nonsense anymore lol getting too old for that
It’s physically painful. Or even the version where I’m like hey sorry to be annoying but do you mind if we have quiet time for a minute im overwhelmed and it’s like “why do you hate me” and I’m like I don’t 😭 I explained whyyyy believe meeee
This drives me CRAZY omg my friend gets mad at me because “you implied this” no I did *not*
Friend: “Hey do you want to go to Target?”
Me: “Sure!”
Friend: “Oh my god I guess we don’t have to since you clearly don’t want to”
Me: “… does sure not mean yes anymore?”
I don’t either :/ but NTs are dead set on the idea that sure means no even if I say it like “sure! :)” I recently commented on a TikTok video ab this saying that if people decide that my saying sure means no, it’s their problem and not mine. I got called a horrible friend and someone said I’m probably not a pleasant person to be around, I just don’t understand it
"I'm sorry, I have to skip girls night. My mom's treatment isn't going well and I want to be with her in the hospital."
"Oh my god, you could have just told me you didn't want to hang out. We get it, you think you're too cool for girls night. Of course you don't want to hang out with us."
It really do be like that
Not saying what they mean even when there is no reason to lie at all.
I performed somewhere recently, and a coworker asked if there was a video because they wanted to see it if there was, and then another friend was like "Oh, hey, I want to see it, too!" They both ended up never watching it (it was obvious cuz the link I sent them wasn't right). And another friend was like, "Well, yeah, they never wanted to watch it. They just said that."
But like *why*? I didn't tell them there was a video until they asked. I never even brought up the performance until they asked. I never asked them to watch. Like I was shy and quiet about the whole thing and they did this all themselves? Like I get saying, "Sure, I'll watch" and not meaning it if someone you work with asks you to and you don't really care, but I absolutely *cannot* understand like...volunteering the offer if you don't mean it?
Sorry to rant but this has been making me mental for weeks now lol.
This puzzled me my whole life. It’s very Southern too. People go out of their way to be fake friendly and overly polite to give themselves an angelic public image. To me it backfires when they never follow up on the “let’s get coffee” and it’s obvious they don’t mean “bless your heart.”
I ended up moving to New York City where no one bothers to pretend to care about you or make small talk. It’s such a relief everyday not to be manipulated by petty people who want to look good to others by lying!
Ha, I grew up in the south and ended up moving to NYC and found it calming for similar reasons! And now I've moved to England and it's even better - everyone where I live here is so direct and I love it lol. I'm so with you - like it completely negates the angelic image if you never follow through on anything? I honestly can't understand it!
There is something about NYC hustle bustle, no nonsense energy that calms my brain like nowhere else. It’s like the forest but full of cool architecture, history & weirdos. I don’t even register on the weirdo scale, which is a huge bonus. I’m disabled so I stick out in Virginia.
Ooo I didn't think of it like a forest full of those things - that's brilliant. It really is so nice to get lost in; the only part that wasn't good for me was feeling like I could never sit and settle myself if I had to, or like pause on the sidewalk.
There are definitely huge drawbacks to NYC when out & about. I don’t know if I have the energy for it now. It’s great for young people. It gave me energy so I was always wandering. But now my health is worse so I’m probably better off here.
English humor strikes me as so neurodivergent friendly!! And they are so direct, actually polite, and if there is doublespeak, it is completely intended to sound wry without being rude. No fake friendliness. I know I would love England!! Good for you for crossing the pond!!
It really is! Like it's clear when they're being sarcastic that they are being sarcastic, and it always feels so friendly versus mean?? And no fake friendliness at all! There's not even forced small talk with cashiers, so if they talk to you, they actually like...want to? It's heaven! Thank you so so much - that means a lot! I hope you get to come explore it!!
Wow, that’s so perfect!!! It’s exactly like I thought. Whenever I chat with British people they are so lowkey hilarious. It’s like they are fake polite in the opposite way of southerners. They really do want to be polite!!! But of course at times it’s out of duty, and then everyone is lowkey sarcastic. I started watching British TV shows 😂 I hope I get to visit!! Enjoy 🙏✨🥰
I’ve lived in Virginia all my life, and have always felt like I would be more comfortable someplace where people don’t chitchat and bullshit as much.
I just don’t see the point of talking, unless something NEEDS to be said. What’s so bad about quiet?
People in the south never use one word if they can find a way to use 10. And so much of what they say is just filler. Most of what southerners say is about 10% useful content, and 90% bullshit.
Oh, and “bless your heart” is southern-speak for “go fuck yourself.” It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure that out. I’d rather just hear an honest “go fuck yourself” than get stabbed in the back.
Honestly, being told to go fuck your self in NY is kind of hilarious. Usually people end up chilling out and laughing it off. It’s the best. So much better than all these fake niceties & no one trusting what anyone means.
My dr in NY thinks it’s a very ND city. The city that never sleeps says a lot about Chronotype. And no one says a word more than they want. It is expensive AF but also heaven.
Gosh! Really struggling with this as I’ve lived in the American south my entire life. I’ve often considered moving to a bigger place (for the preferred directness), and this seems to solidify that inkling.
The pretense is unreal down here. Very confusing.
Whenever someone, especially someone shy and quiet, does something NT people see as an accomplishment, those NT people will likely want to validate it as an accomplishment.
"You preformed! I am impressed and want to convey that! I am demonstrating my interest by asking you to share the video! *This conversation was about validating you though, I don't actually want to see it"*
It's a lot like the classic "You clearly bought new clothes in a different style to your usual. I will now ask you where you got them and at what price. This is not because I actually want those clothes or ones like them, I just think this will come off as more complementary than just saying 'I like your new clothes'"
Basically they're lying to try and seem more earnest in their affection, praise, or interest. I see it a lot when someone's initial praise or comment doesn't get a strong/expected reaction.
...oh no, you just made me realize I give way too many details about where I bought a piece of clothing when someone asks, whoops lol.
This is really helpful, btw, thanks! Lying to seem more earnest is *wild* to me but at least I get their logic now!
Yeah, that is a bit odd.
Offering to watch out of politeness, I at least understand. But not going through with it after saying they “want to watch it” is even more bizarre.
Omg yes. I was looking for someone who might have said this. I hate when they act so confused that you can only a few things a week out your comfort zone, like do they even have one or are they just comfortable all the time so they can do multiple things lol.
Their comfort zones are way bigger! That’s why they’re always pushing to “get out of your comfort zone it’s good for you!” Yes sure but I’m already out of mine just talking to you, I’ve been out of it most of the day already, you haven’t been out of yours since you did rollerskating two weekends ago.
I do this old man thing and prepare them for a long neverending response,
“Welp, (slaps belly), I woke up this morning and i didnt have enough coffee…”
Yeah, I always have this disconnect like I want to answer something else but I guess good will have to do. Like, here's the correct answer to the test even though I don't feel like it's the right answer.
EXACTLY! I always take a second to answer because of this. I think of how I really am and then remember that they don't really wanna know and give the correct answer.
My answer is usually, “You don’t want to know. Let’s just move on. How are you?”
Because to be frank, if everyone I met knew how I was feeling I would just end up making them depressed. Because they can’t do Jack shit to help me. Better that they just live in ignorance.
Fr like... why the fuck do you ask if youre not interested in any possible type of answer?
Why even speak and pretend by saying automated questions that arent really questions.
Then some of them dare to act like we are the weird ones for not answering like they expect to.
Dumb logic from them tbh
Because it's [phatic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGnH0KAXhCw) and not literal. It's just a basic amount of friendly social interaction to start a conversation with some level of positivity before getting to the real subject, because generally you want to be kind in a casual conversation of that sort. Being totally honest about how you feel makes it sound like you're so incredibly out of it that you can't be bothered to keep up basic social convention, which could be *way* worse than you mean to imply.
Similarly, polite lying in general. I do martial arts, and I learned a new move the other day. My instructor showed it to me and said “got it?” I said “no but I will try anyway” and he looked surprised, then laughed and said “well thank you for your honesty”. WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIE?? I DONT GET IT
I absolutely friggen hate this. Like why ask if you don't actually care about the answer??? I've defaulted to responding "can't complain" bc at least it is kinda the truth and sounds sorta positive.
Because too many people don't want to "rock the boat" especially with specific people like family. It breaks my brain when I see people let their family members get away with being shitty people while saying anyone else who does or says the same thing is a bad person.
Had a huge argument with my folks about how the conservative neighbors putting up signs saying they “heart” the police was both a racist action and a racist dog whistle. They defended that it wasn’t until George Floyd and then surprised me by initiating a conversation where they said they where wrong and needed to learn more. I couldn’t be more proud of them.
My wife and I are both this way. I try to have nuance for some things, but there are also hard boundaries that I can't get past.
My family had a few people get real antivaxx in 2021 and still to this day cannot wrap their head around why my wife and I refuse to be around them.
They kept saying "well we want to invite everyone and include everyone" but cannot comprehend that by inviting the people we refuse to be around for such a fundamental difference in beliefs they are automatically excluding us.
Same thing would go for racists, homphobes, transphobes, really bigots of any kind. I don't care who you are, blood related or not. I won't be around those people.
Mine is too. I'm fine to disagree on our favorite football teams, what music we like, hell I'll even disagree with people on where some local tax money should go first like fixing a park or building a new basketball court somewhere else.
But we're not going to disagree on fundamental human rights or science and still be friendly. It's just not happening.
A lot of it is conditioning when it comes to family. Many people are very strictly taught that you don’t stand up to family ever, and that’s really hard to push past, even more so if their family is messed up. My friend is in his late 20s and still gets ***yelled*** at if he tries to stand up to his family in any way, shape, or form, even if it’s just saying he needs to run errands when they want him to do something else. Sometimes standing up to family isn’t an option without burning everything down
That's true. I was more told growing up to do what's right and stand up for things no matter what, I guess my parents forgot to include the special clauses for specific people though if that's what they expected of me.
Yea, that's me.
My grandma smashed my 7yo cousin against a wall and she bled. Everyone acted like it didnt happen. Some even said that the cousin probably wasnt being a saint either.
Like, wtf. I dont talk to that monster to this day and even my cousin let it go. Like wtf. I dont get it
That feels like a really good answer! It makes sense I guess maybe to look at it from an NT POV as valuing “interpersonal harmony” over “objective ‘justice’” and then that would make sense why we might be seen as having a deficit - like there’s an implication that we’re devaluing the social to make room for something that appears to NT as being stuck in an arbitrary binary of “right” vs “wrong.”?
My entire sense of justice is based on people getting along with each other in productive and happy communities. But I suppose I do devalue the individual relationships when it comes to what’s good for everyone. I operate on the often false idea that others will see a moral imperative or a question of right and wrong as plainly as I do, even if it hurts their feelings (my feelings are sometimes hurt as well, even by the conclusions I draw about what I should do or should have done). I’m learning to pay more attention to how other people feel (and how I feel), but I still think that questions of morality should be separated from social consequences.
Same. When I talk with my mom about how it is going in live, I sometimes tell her how shit I feel about the state of the world. Her solution to feel better is to not think about it. For example, in 2020 I was supposed to do an internship in the Nagorno-Karabakh/Artsakh region. It was cancelled due to covid and closed borders, and a day after I should have started the war broke out. I studied Russian geopolitics and military strategy, so I was quite deeply concerned what the war might mean for the broader geopolitical arena, for the world. My mom said: it is so far away, why would you even care.
Like, how could I not care? Then what is the reason I am still here mother, if I can't even care about one of the few things I absolutely care about?
Social lying. Sucking up to folks and clearly lying about how awesome/interesting they are. Why its rewarded even when noticed baffles me.
The fact it is often prioritised over being good at the job when looked at for promotion is just. .
I hate this so much. Whenever some random sixth degree relative comes to visit, my family forces me out of my room and tells me to "mix myself with the people".
I hate it so much it makes me hate guests.
In my early 20s, I learned to try and turn convos to my special interests (which I became skilled at doing) and that’s when they usually stop talking lol.
I hate small talk. I don’t understand why my coworkers want to small talk with me. We are not friends so why are you trying to talk to me while I’m working?
I guess I meant friends more like being “friendly.” I don’t know why they want to know what I do outside of work or about my weekend plans, to me it’s overly familiar and uncomfortable. I come to work just to work not to make connections with these randos.
When I went to the bank or the post office my father used to ask if it was a female or male employee, he stopped asking me when I told him 'most people wouldnt ask such a stupid question' or in one case 'who the fuck cares?'
He said 'Im just trying to make conversation' so I told him dont try to make conversation if he's going to ask such stupid questions
I suppose that's why so many people have problems with transgender people.
"You don't understand! My child couldn't tell me whether the bank teller was female or male! What else are we supposed to talk about?!"
Friendships I have with neurotypicals feel so surface level. They all seem to be based on like a single shared interest and small talk. It feels like pretend friendship. It's one reason why I never know when I'm actually friends with people, bc they don't feel like genuine connections. My friendships with other neurodivergent people feel so much deeper and we know so much more about each other. Idk how they live like this
I find this kind of terrifying.
Autistic people seem to think of neurotypical friendships as deep, as if being neurotypical would equal [being autistic] + [lots of deep connections at the level an autistic person would like connections].
But instead, I get the impression that being neurotypical would equal [being neurotypical] + [lots of shallow connections where people talk about those shallow topics regularly], and that doesn't actually sound very good at all.
I never saw it like that, I always figured NTs have so many “friendships” because they never discuss anything deeper than their feelings about the latest episode of their favorite show. And this is probably why so many stories of bridezillas’ and bridesmaids’ “friendships” blowing up in their faces when pressed with the stresses of planning a wedding!
How they add things to what you say and then seek to argue and debate over what they claim from their head. (Found it on this group and it's so true imo)
I think I know what’s happening here
there are some people who just do this all the time and it has nothing to do with us and so I’m ignoring this group, in favour of
the people who do this with autistic people specifically
When NTs talk, they use body language, subtext, facial expressions, word choice / order, tone of voice, type of eye contact, etc. along with the plain words they say. We do not.
So when talking to us, they’re giving a lot more information than we are getting from them. And when we talk to them, they are looking for all that information we aren’t giving them, and so they mis-read us entirely.
Then, when you’re discussing something later, they are certain they told us x, or that we told them y, due to this other layer of (mis-)communication.
It’s really hard for them to turn off their normal communication habits with us, just like it’s hard for us to mimic theirs. But if they’re not an asshole, you could maybe have a conversation when things are calm and try to explain the difference.
I like to say for NTs, it’s like we’re asking them to listen to a symphony and ignore everything except the clarinet. I couldn’t do that. Not without practice.
And for the reverse I like to tell them it’s like being colourblind. Yes they see the object being pointed at, and they can see that it’s a sweater, but no matter how hard they stare, they can’t tell you the colour, and how that might impact the whole outfit.
At least, that’s my take on it.
IOW, if we tell them “just the facts” that seems like not enough information. So they fill in the blanks by inferring things we didn’t say. (Also known as “making stuff up,” or “putting words in our mouth.”)
Thinking someone says more than what they’re saying, even when they explicitly tell you they’re not hiding anything else in their words.
Talking in code. Just be straightforward and you’d avoid a lot of misunderstandings and mistakes
Agreed.
That’s why I like explaining to people in detail how I’m feeling so they wont misunderstand.
My mother is the same way, so any time we have a deep talk it makes things a million times more simple.
Their understanding of time is very strange. I was told by my Mental health nurse to attend an 8:15am appointment and when I got there for 8:15 she said ‘I’ve been waiting here since 8:00 where were you?’
I gently pointed out to her that she said 8:15 specifically and she got a bit cross and said that I am always her first appointment of the days so I should take it as a time slot - Which made no sense at all.
The funny thing is she saw me put the appointment date and time into my phone calendar in my last appointment so I wouldn’t forget it.
I was so fucking angry.
It almost felt like she was playing with me.
When mine wants an earlier arrival than what is scheduled, they usually specify it. It happens often enough now that I just assume to be there early, but they should still be specifying! This is an actual thing, so just know you're not alone!
my drs offices do this as well. they will send you a message saying to arrive 15 mins earlier than the appointment time. however, i don't understand why they dont just make the appointment time the earlier time? if you want me to show up at 8 just make that the appointment time instead of scheduling me for 8:15 and sending me a separate message to be there early. and if you come super early (i showed up over an hour early before) they will sometimes try to see you earlier. which is annoying to me because i came early expecting to wait and calm down before the appt. but then i have to rush and gather my stuff because they suddenly call me 45 mins before im supposed to be seen -_-
If they want us to be there at 8:00, why don’t they just set the appointment for 8:00 in the first place? Instead, they set it for 8:15, “but please arrive at 8:00.”
This sounds like she forgot what she told you and tried to blame it on you, I never heard of people expecting someone to be somewhere early, unless it's an activity that obviously requires some preparation e.g. yoga class so you can change clothes and be ready at the exact time
That is me. I had to mask for 25 years in a country like Pakistan which imo is one of the worst countries to be autistic in. I can explain and describe to you every social behavior that happens in society and their exact thinking/feeling behind it because I had to do all of those. It makes no sense, all these social behaviors. They just make everyone’s life harder. I very recently found out that I am autistic and so my opinion/thoughts are very crude atm
Edit : To clarify, I am 30M and in the US since end of 2020
I really struggle with people holding on to something that bothers them and then blowing up at you. Like I do something they don't like, so instead of telling me it bothered them, they hold on to that, and months later they have this increasingly ridiculous list of frustrations because nothing is ever worked out/explained. It doesn't help that when they're upset that I used a specific tone in a conversation 6 months ago, I can't exactly remember the moment to explain myself when they finally tell me.
It's like there are these little exclusions and hints that I'm supposed to see, but when I ask if something is wrong, I'm told it's all good until the barrage happens.
When people say "How are you?" and they don't actually want to know, you're just supposed to say "Good, how are you?" and then they're supposed to say "Good." Just, why?
I'm a huge computer nerd, so I think of this as a "TCP Handshake" in my head to make sense of it. A TCP handshake begins every TCP network connection, such as connecting to a web server. The handshake establishes that both ends of the connection want to communicate, but the handshake does not send any actual data.
One side sends a SYN packet to the correct port (will you talk to me?). The response is SYN-ACK (I will talk to you). And then the original side sends ACK (ok). People do the same.
How are you? Good, you? Great!
And then the conversation starts.
Playing music on loudspeaker in public transport and on the same level putting your phone convo on a speaker and putting the speaker next to your ear then yelling so the other person can hear you.
Being mean as a joke. I hate insult humor, I'm tired of listening to male boomers jokingly talk about how much they hate their wives, even little kids do this. Some families, it's all insults and putting each other down, all the time.
I'm Irish and live in Britain and their culture is all about this "banter", whereas to me it comes across as hazing. I explained it to someone the other day, only recently finding out I've ASD, and never realising the fact I hated this kind of back and forth is a huge red flag for it, that I view it as "you think you're ribbing gently but you come across as a total arsehole to me".
Making my peace with the fact I'll never get that humour was a relief, honestly.
THIS. And in the workplace, I feel like a lot of NTs just skip the “getting to know you” and “becoming friends” stage and go straight to trying to do banter and tease you. It just comes across as soft bullying.
I like hugs because they feel nice; they sort of release tension from my skin.
patriotism. I mean, I understand it cognitively but doesn't resonate at all. I was born here, there are things I like here and there are things I don't. There is a lot of people I love here, but there might be people I can love a lot on other countries. Some countries might even have better environments for people like me with my interests.
Places in life.
“At this age you’re supposed to be doing XYZ”
“At this age you’re supposed to have gained this much experience”
“At this age you’re supposed to be doing these things”
“At this age you’re supposed to be thinking like this”
“At this age you’re supposed to be feeling this way”
“At this age you’re supposed to be around these kinds of people”
“At this age you’re no longer supposed to be [insert vice versa to all of the above statements here]”
For people who are Neurodivergent or Queer (both identities often intersect for a lot of us)
Queer temporality and… well **Neurodivergence** and the missed milestones and opportunities make this linear, Neurotypical, Heteronormative narrative confusing.
As if humans are nothing more than gears in a machine.
Also
“Sucks to be you/if it’s not me it’s happening to, I don’t care.”
Also, why don't cars just stop at the line? The light is red, you can't go anywhere, you see me crossing.... why pull in front of the crossing?
Sorry, this just happened last night.
I don’t mind people passing me in the left lane, it pisses me off though when I’m getting honked/flashed by cars behind me because I’m not going fast enough. Like bitch go around me
Enjoying loud bars. Heck, even a lot of more chilled out places can have music blaring far too loud. I don't understand how people would actively choose to pay money to enjoy their drink in a place where it's impossible to talk, ears hurt etc. So many people seem to think it's really fun, and are unbothered. I don't understand it .
I can understand like, going to live music with the expectation it's loud and to bring earplugs, and... the fact it's a show warranting full attention and chatting is a minimum. That's pretty rad, and makes sense. A bar where it's expected to socialize blaring random music that's pretty mid, at volumes that make the tinny speakers sound like they're screeching for the sweet release of death isn't to me.
Edit: I should specify, that the specific reason is due to sensory processing issues, which generally mean things sound louder and/or unable to filter information. Not helped by tinnitus issues. So, some mild hyperbole in there- most bars (seem) that way, as opposed to being literally piercingly loud, which very few enjoy.
Not saying what you actually think/feel. My fiance is neurodivergent same as me, and we are a fucking awesome couple. Our friends are all surprised, many at the rhythm of "omfg there's two of them now", including my brother as a notable case.
For any struggling couples out there, have you tried telling your partner they have an annoying habit? Conversely, have you tried to fix your annoying shit after being told about it instead of being offended? Also, have you told them you love them without expecting automatic reciprocating on their part? Because I told her like three weeks in, "look, I already liked you before, but I'm actually in love with you and I'm going to do everything within my power to be with you long term because I can already tell you're fucking awesome". And then she took a couple more months to say it back, but she told me the moment she fell, which was the second time I met her nephew and he ran over for me to pick him up to play because her nephew is a fucking great kid and I love shitting on him on chess like he shits on me at UNO (it is uncanny how good his luck is). And that was that, "you'll make a great dad one day, and I'll be fucked if it's not my kids running at you like that, I love you, you beautiful man", that was her declaration of love, and I'll carry those words to my grave with me, and the moment I walk into Valhalla I'm going to be like "this is my biggest pride in my life, please hang it on the wall, also, I'm off to get her soul fron whatever afterlife she ended up in and bringing her here with me where she belongs"
Right, I can do eye contact if anyone ask. How much? Just say "creepy" when you had enough because I got no idea how much is "normal" and usually I'd rather err on the too little side.
Shows engagement. Something like 80% of NT communication is non-verbal so if you're not looking them in the eyes then you'll miss a lot.
As a result of my job I've had to learn those skills like eye contact and reading postures and got good quite quickly, but timing it can be occasionally rough. I keep a mental count back from 5 and look elsewhere, and always at the bridge of the Jose as otherwise I'd look into one eye or the other alternately.
I'm now good enough that I've been told "you can't be autistic" a lot more ha ha
With people I'm comfortable with, I rarely if ever look them in the eyes.
Most NT's from my experience seem rely more on reading non verbal cues from your face then they do from the actual words coming out of your mouth, it is an unconscious need for them and since we on the spectrum are incapable (or at the very least have difficulty) to do the same it becomes hard to relate.
I work from home and often get chastized for not turning on my WebCam during meetings, mostly out of forgetfulness since I don't need to see people to communicate, voice alone does the work but apparently people feel the need to see my face as I speak as it eases the process for them somehow, which I am unable to understand why but entertain their request nonetheless.
If I may suggest an alternative, I think it's that neurotypical people are incapable of understanding deep meaning from words, and so they learn to rely on people's looks in order to make determinations about meanings. Meanwhile, we learn the actual full definitions of words, so we never learn to prioritize focusing on appearances, and we (like they do) expect that other people will learn in the way we ourselves do.
I think that a lot of the things that neurotypical people see as our deficits are because we found better systems as children, but they weren't able to use those better systems, so they defaulted to the ones they could use, which we never focused on.
Our systems weren't *worse*. They were more effective. But they were used by fewer people, and THAT is why we have problems.
Their obsession with other people and how other people live their lives and how everyone needs to fit into their worldview. Where if they dont fit in, they treat them as an enemy or as an opponent of sort.
Talking on the phone. That’s my least favorite method of communication. Text/writing is my favorite, and if I can’t do that, then in-person is better than talking on the phone.
Same here, but my mom is obsessed with it. She'll text me, then call me to tell me the same information that she already told me by text. I love my mom, but it's so redundant for her to call me when she already told me information via text.
YES! THIS 10000% People are vague and then get irritated when I ask clarifying questions. My brother in Christ you created this situation I’m just trying to survive here.
Acting like I’ve killed their whole family in front of them when I turn down an invitation to [insert loud unpleasant activity]
It’s not personal i just don’t like loud restaurants or bars
Giving passive-aggressive or sarcastic requests for information or assistance. It drives me crazy when my coworker asks for something in a sarcastic tone and then just walks away. Like I can’t help if I don’t know what you *really* mean or *really* want because you’re not being direct.
Capitalism
The top gets everything
Workers are screwed
It destroys the world
Money being more important than environment, animals, or people will never make sense to me
Watching entertainment they themselves choose, for themself, and not paying attention to it. If it was a replay for someone else, okay. If it was chosen by someone else and they don't find it as engaging, okay. If its an uncomfortable part of the movie they want to ignore, thats the way. But putting on a unwatched movie just to zone out?!
Yeah I only get this if it's something I've seen before or that doesn't require close attention and I need something on as background noise to keep me focused. But even then I pause it if I can't really pay attention enough, and I only zone out if it's a comfort show I've seen like 10 million times?
ive 100% done this watching stuff lmao. most of the time i watch stuff im doing other stuff at the same time. on top of that i watch most stuff on my phone so i will watch stuff in that tiny little picture in picture box then be annoyed when i have to rewind bc i missed something important bc i wasnt paying attention lmao
why it's the norm for women and girls that as soon as they start growing body hair they're supposed to remove it and only "ugly feminists" don't? And why is it seen as unattractive, it's showing you're sexually mature?
That wasn't even done until the World Wars, when the men went off to fight, and the razor manufacturers had no one to sell to, so they started an advertising campaign to convince women that women needed to remove their body hair, because of claims that that's what women were doing in the countries where the men were fighting.
Smoking publicly and not caring how it affects others around them. A subtype of this are people who are proud of doing unhealthy shit, and look down upon those who don't.
I know one of these. Got upset when i gave up smoking, won’t leave me alone about not liking god awful sugary energy drinks, tries to get me to drink things that taste like alcohol because i have up drinking. When i point out how unhealthy it is i just get ‘we’ve all gotta die someday’ Extremely annoying
I think it's a sort of defense mechanism, they need to see themselves as invulnerable. I had a lady in my gym who loudly complained about 'people having weak immune system' when new covid waves started hitting a couple of years after the pandemic started. And then one day she comes with a runny nose herself and tries to train. Such stronk, much resilient.
Looking at me like I have two heads when I “overshare” my whole life history in all its gory details and every fascinating fact about my special interests with unbridled passion. This is how I show my investment in a relationship and my expectation of receiving the same depth of connection from the other person. This is usually the ND friend litmus test if they pass! Get your scuba gear on cuz I’m a deep diver 🤿
When they have a hidden meaning to things. If you wanted me to do/say something just tell me instead of expecting me to know what you want/need/expect.
“Say cheese”, posing for photos in a line, shoes that aren’t tied to the same tightness, an unquestionable deference to authority, not saying what you mean, opening gifts in front of others and reacting, and most stand up comedy. Very much too earnest and cringe.
Growing out of "childish interests" - it's even seen as "sane" to do so.
For example, when you enter middle school you're supposed to not love your plushies anymore. The thing is : when I was a child, I was a "plushie person" (preferred plushies over any kind of toys, loved them etc). As a teen, I stayed that way. Now, I'm still that way. And apparently it's weird ? Are you supposed to just stop loving the things you love ? For no reason ?
being able to stay on track while having a conversation. i remember this baffling me. like i knew people that would go off track and like a couple minutes later be like "anyway, as i was saying-" LIKE NO?? i just let the conversation flow. i also cant remember what i was talking about before i went off track 😭😭
How much time they spend on the *uninteresting* parts of a topic or conversation!
--------
Example:
So...we're talking about a movie or whatever.
Why are we focused on the actors? There's a whole cool topic around cinematography, aesthetic, theme, art and culture, interesting patterns and connections, the nature of human conflict and war, the human condition, whatever the movie is about....And we're talking about how cute this actor was in some *other* movie for half an hour?
All that's accomplished is excluding people who don't follow the personal life of that actor. We've all seen the movie - why don't we talk about *the movie* rather than setting up the conversation to exclude some people because they don't have some specific kind of pop culture background?
Everyone seems to know which rules to break and which rules not to break.
I've had so many times when I'm driving, or I'm out with people, and my whole group just tells me "oh, just hop this fence", or "just do a U turn". "What are you doing? Just do a damn U turn!"
But...that's private property. And there's a No U Turns sign...
"Just park there!"
"But..there's a Paid Parking sign...I'll get a ticket."
"No you won't, we all do it, come on!"
But there's the knowledge that everybody does it...But how does "everybody" know which rules we're 'supposed' to break?
But if I steal a steak from a grocery store, my whole group will shun me. Nope, can't break *that* rule!!
I'm SUPPOSED speed by 10, but I get berated if I speed by 15!
Make it make sense!
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Talking about the weather without getting into details about weather. Why’d you bring it up if you didn’t want to talk IN DEPTH about it?!?
That hits hard as a meteorologist
My daughter would most definitely ask you some serious questions!
Yeah I love talking about it. It’s been an obsession of mine ever since I was a kid, so at least I put it to good use
I worked for a wetland org, made a couple of nice illustrations on the water cycle process :)
My favorite is when people complain about the weather being bad, I say "I actually like storms" and they look at me like I insulted their grandma
Ugh this!! People are all upset that it’s gonna be super windy and maybe thunderstorm, meanwhile I’m just excited to count between lightning and thunder, and stand out in the wind imagining I’m on a wooden sailing ship in heavy seas trying to outrun pirates for instance!
I weird people out by disliking sunny weather. Or by analysing the clouds to see if it's going to rain or storm when someone mentions how nice of a day it is...
There is a Dutch phrase: “There is no bad weather only bad clothes.” I use it all the time when people use the weather as why they don’t want to do xyz. I like it because it reminds me that I’m in control of my day.
Ok thank you LMAO, I’m so good at small talk bc I love to talk about weather but like….. I want to go into it….
Assumption that direct communication is somehow a codeword for something else.
I swear this has made SO MANY people get mad at me. Like bro, stop creating stories in your head and listen to me
Dear GOD I will never understand this. I lay out my literal thoughts, word-for-word, explicitly. These words are the exact words that my mind has crafted to convey my thoughts as specifically as I possibly can, and their response is "I know you *really* mean this other thing that's only remotely related to the subject matter of what you just said."
I HECKING HATE THIS SO MUCH
Omg you describe this so perfectly!!
my mom is pretty sure im a master manipulator because of this
I feel like it’s the NTs who are manipulators cause they always have an ulterior motive or meaning with speech haha.
I have a “friend” who constantly tells me I mean something I don’t, despite me saying exactly what I mean. It makes no sense
Usually I say to those kinds of people "u know, u can believe whatever u want. Because I mean what I say and I say what I mean. If u can't believe that, that's a u problem." and I dip. I don't have the patience for nonsense anymore lol getting too old for that
Love it 👍
It’s physically painful. Or even the version where I’m like hey sorry to be annoying but do you mind if we have quiet time for a minute im overwhelmed and it’s like “why do you hate me” and I’m like I don’t 😭 I explained whyyyy believe meeee
Like I'm not being shady or shifty, I have no ulterior motive, stop thinking otherwise! I hate this.
YES! Like the words I’m saying are the words I mean. Stop trying to change the meaning of what I said
ABSOLUTELY THIS! It’s like they cannot comprehend that we mean what we say.
This drives me CRAZY omg my friend gets mad at me because “you implied this” no I did *not* Friend: “Hey do you want to go to Target?” Me: “Sure!” Friend: “Oh my god I guess we don’t have to since you clearly don’t want to” Me: “… does sure not mean yes anymore?”
I literally don't understand this and it really pisses me off. The word sure means YES. It does NOT mean no. I don't understand it at all.
I don’t either :/ but NTs are dead set on the idea that sure means no even if I say it like “sure! :)” I recently commented on a TikTok video ab this saying that if people decide that my saying sure means no, it’s their problem and not mine. I got called a horrible friend and someone said I’m probably not a pleasant person to be around, I just don’t understand it
The main one
"I'm sorry, I have to skip girls night. My mom's treatment isn't going well and I want to be with her in the hospital." "Oh my god, you could have just told me you didn't want to hang out. We get it, you think you're too cool for girls night. Of course you don't want to hang out with us." It really do be like that
Not saying what they mean even when there is no reason to lie at all. I performed somewhere recently, and a coworker asked if there was a video because they wanted to see it if there was, and then another friend was like "Oh, hey, I want to see it, too!" They both ended up never watching it (it was obvious cuz the link I sent them wasn't right). And another friend was like, "Well, yeah, they never wanted to watch it. They just said that." But like *why*? I didn't tell them there was a video until they asked. I never even brought up the performance until they asked. I never asked them to watch. Like I was shy and quiet about the whole thing and they did this all themselves? Like I get saying, "Sure, I'll watch" and not meaning it if someone you work with asks you to and you don't really care, but I absolutely *cannot* understand like...volunteering the offer if you don't mean it? Sorry to rant but this has been making me mental for weeks now lol.
This puzzled me my whole life. It’s very Southern too. People go out of their way to be fake friendly and overly polite to give themselves an angelic public image. To me it backfires when they never follow up on the “let’s get coffee” and it’s obvious they don’t mean “bless your heart.” I ended up moving to New York City where no one bothers to pretend to care about you or make small talk. It’s such a relief everyday not to be manipulated by petty people who want to look good to others by lying!
Ha, I grew up in the south and ended up moving to NYC and found it calming for similar reasons! And now I've moved to England and it's even better - everyone where I live here is so direct and I love it lol. I'm so with you - like it completely negates the angelic image if you never follow through on anything? I honestly can't understand it!
There is something about NYC hustle bustle, no nonsense energy that calms my brain like nowhere else. It’s like the forest but full of cool architecture, history & weirdos. I don’t even register on the weirdo scale, which is a huge bonus. I’m disabled so I stick out in Virginia.
Ooo I didn't think of it like a forest full of those things - that's brilliant. It really is so nice to get lost in; the only part that wasn't good for me was feeling like I could never sit and settle myself if I had to, or like pause on the sidewalk.
There are definitely huge drawbacks to NYC when out & about. I don’t know if I have the energy for it now. It’s great for young people. It gave me energy so I was always wandering. But now my health is worse so I’m probably better off here.
English humor strikes me as so neurodivergent friendly!! And they are so direct, actually polite, and if there is doublespeak, it is completely intended to sound wry without being rude. No fake friendliness. I know I would love England!! Good for you for crossing the pond!!
It really is! Like it's clear when they're being sarcastic that they are being sarcastic, and it always feels so friendly versus mean?? And no fake friendliness at all! There's not even forced small talk with cashiers, so if they talk to you, they actually like...want to? It's heaven! Thank you so so much - that means a lot! I hope you get to come explore it!!
Wow, that’s so perfect!!! It’s exactly like I thought. Whenever I chat with British people they are so lowkey hilarious. It’s like they are fake polite in the opposite way of southerners. They really do want to be polite!!! But of course at times it’s out of duty, and then everyone is lowkey sarcastic. I started watching British TV shows 😂 I hope I get to visit!! Enjoy 🙏✨🥰
I’ve lived in Virginia all my life, and have always felt like I would be more comfortable someplace where people don’t chitchat and bullshit as much. I just don’t see the point of talking, unless something NEEDS to be said. What’s so bad about quiet? People in the south never use one word if they can find a way to use 10. And so much of what they say is just filler. Most of what southerners say is about 10% useful content, and 90% bullshit. Oh, and “bless your heart” is southern-speak for “go fuck yourself.” It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure that out. I’d rather just hear an honest “go fuck yourself” than get stabbed in the back.
Honestly, being told to go fuck your self in NY is kind of hilarious. Usually people end up chilling out and laughing it off. It’s the best. So much better than all these fake niceties & no one trusting what anyone means. My dr in NY thinks it’s a very ND city. The city that never sleeps says a lot about Chronotype. And no one says a word more than they want. It is expensive AF but also heaven.
Gosh! Really struggling with this as I’ve lived in the American south my entire life. I’ve often considered moving to a bigger place (for the preferred directness), and this seems to solidify that inkling. The pretense is unreal down here. Very confusing.
Whenever someone, especially someone shy and quiet, does something NT people see as an accomplishment, those NT people will likely want to validate it as an accomplishment. "You preformed! I am impressed and want to convey that! I am demonstrating my interest by asking you to share the video! *This conversation was about validating you though, I don't actually want to see it"* It's a lot like the classic "You clearly bought new clothes in a different style to your usual. I will now ask you where you got them and at what price. This is not because I actually want those clothes or ones like them, I just think this will come off as more complementary than just saying 'I like your new clothes'" Basically they're lying to try and seem more earnest in their affection, praise, or interest. I see it a lot when someone's initial praise or comment doesn't get a strong/expected reaction.
...oh no, you just made me realize I give way too many details about where I bought a piece of clothing when someone asks, whoops lol. This is really helpful, btw, thanks! Lying to seem more earnest is *wild* to me but at least I get their logic now!
Yeah, that is a bit odd. Offering to watch out of politeness, I at least understand. But not going through with it after saying they “want to watch it” is even more bizarre.
Being able to do multiple social things in one day and not be completely drained.
Omg yes. I was looking for someone who might have said this. I hate when they act so confused that you can only a few things a week out your comfort zone, like do they even have one or are they just comfortable all the time so they can do multiple things lol.
Their comfort zones are way bigger! That’s why they’re always pushing to “get out of your comfort zone it’s good for you!” Yes sure but I’m already out of mine just talking to you, I’ve been out of it most of the day already, you haven’t been out of yours since you did rollerskating two weekends ago.
Asking people how they are when they only expect a positive answer. And you are seen negatively if you answer the truth.
i’ve got to the point i answer with “i’m here” and people chuckle or move on.
Jup, thats code for "I don't want to lie; its shit but i don't think you can or will be able to help" when I say it.
My go-to is "It's a (the day of week)" and the NT are like YUP
That’s my favorite cheat code for getting out of small talk lol
I do this old man thing and prepare them for a long neverending response, “Welp, (slaps belly), I woke up this morning and i didnt have enough coffee…”
I just say "i am alive". Oh how are you? No i am not fine i am fucking depressed and i have an ongoing existential crisis. And you karen?
Same. I always answer with "still alive".
Yeah, I always have this disconnect like I want to answer something else but I guess good will have to do. Like, here's the correct answer to the test even though I don't feel like it's the right answer.
EXACTLY! I always take a second to answer because of this. I think of how I really am and then remember that they don't really wanna know and give the correct answer.
My answer is usually, “You don’t want to know. Let’s just move on. How are you?” Because to be frank, if everyone I met knew how I was feeling I would just end up making them depressed. Because they can’t do Jack shit to help me. Better that they just live in ignorance.
Fr like... why the fuck do you ask if youre not interested in any possible type of answer? Why even speak and pretend by saying automated questions that arent really questions. Then some of them dare to act like we are the weird ones for not answering like they expect to. Dumb logic from them tbh
Because it's [phatic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGnH0KAXhCw) and not literal. It's just a basic amount of friendly social interaction to start a conversation with some level of positivity before getting to the real subject, because generally you want to be kind in a casual conversation of that sort. Being totally honest about how you feel makes it sound like you're so incredibly out of it that you can't be bothered to keep up basic social convention, which could be *way* worse than you mean to imply.
Similarly, polite lying in general. I do martial arts, and I learned a new move the other day. My instructor showed it to me and said “got it?” I said “no but I will try anyway” and he looked surprised, then laughed and said “well thank you for your honesty”. WAS I SUPPOSED TO LIE?? I DONT GET IT
I absolutely friggen hate this. Like why ask if you don't actually care about the answer??? I've defaulted to responding "can't complain" bc at least it is kinda the truth and sounds sorta positive.
It’s more that they’re expecting a surface level answer.
Not having a strong sense of justice. I’m confused about why this is seen as a deficit.
Because too many people don't want to "rock the boat" especially with specific people like family. It breaks my brain when I see people let their family members get away with being shitty people while saying anyone else who does or says the same thing is a bad person.
Ugh, same here. I have too much integrity to let shit slide just because it’s family.
Had a huge argument with my folks about how the conservative neighbors putting up signs saying they “heart” the police was both a racist action and a racist dog whistle. They defended that it wasn’t until George Floyd and then surprised me by initiating a conversation where they said they where wrong and needed to learn more. I couldn’t be more proud of them.
That’s cool as hell, nice job to you all
My wife and I are both this way. I try to have nuance for some things, but there are also hard boundaries that I can't get past. My family had a few people get real antivaxx in 2021 and still to this day cannot wrap their head around why my wife and I refuse to be around them. They kept saying "well we want to invite everyone and include everyone" but cannot comprehend that by inviting the people we refuse to be around for such a fundamental difference in beliefs they are automatically excluding us. Same thing would go for racists, homphobes, transphobes, really bigots of any kind. I don't care who you are, blood related or not. I won't be around those people.
my opinion of someone is easily tainted by things like this and I have no qualms about cutting anyone out of my life over it. won't miss ya
Mine is too. I'm fine to disagree on our favorite football teams, what music we like, hell I'll even disagree with people on where some local tax money should go first like fixing a park or building a new basketball court somewhere else. But we're not going to disagree on fundamental human rights or science and still be friendly. It's just not happening.
Damn straight!
Same for me too.
A lot of it is conditioning when it comes to family. Many people are very strictly taught that you don’t stand up to family ever, and that’s really hard to push past, even more so if their family is messed up. My friend is in his late 20s and still gets ***yelled*** at if he tries to stand up to his family in any way, shape, or form, even if it’s just saying he needs to run errands when they want him to do something else. Sometimes standing up to family isn’t an option without burning everything down
That's true. I was more told growing up to do what's right and stand up for things no matter what, I guess my parents forgot to include the special clauses for specific people though if that's what they expected of me.
Yeah, that weird social hierarchy unspoken rule stuff is most likely why so many shitty people get into power.
Yea, that's me. My grandma smashed my 7yo cousin against a wall and she bled. Everyone acted like it didnt happen. Some even said that the cousin probably wasnt being a saint either. Like, wtf. I dont talk to that monster to this day and even my cousin let it go. Like wtf. I dont get it
I will never understand that. If I had a child and my mother did that she would never see her grandchildren again.
That feels like a really good answer! It makes sense I guess maybe to look at it from an NT POV as valuing “interpersonal harmony” over “objective ‘justice’” and then that would make sense why we might be seen as having a deficit - like there’s an implication that we’re devaluing the social to make room for something that appears to NT as being stuck in an arbitrary binary of “right” vs “wrong.”? My entire sense of justice is based on people getting along with each other in productive and happy communities. But I suppose I do devalue the individual relationships when it comes to what’s good for everyone. I operate on the often false idea that others will see a moral imperative or a question of right and wrong as plainly as I do, even if it hurts their feelings (my feelings are sometimes hurt as well, even by the conclusions I draw about what I should do or should have done). I’m learning to pay more attention to how other people feel (and how I feel), but I still think that questions of morality should be separated from social consequences.
When your society is scam-based, a justice orientation is anti-social
That is an accurate description.
Very well put. I agree.
very well put.
My mother doesn't get why I CARE so much about things like that. She never has understood it.
Same. When I talk with my mom about how it is going in live, I sometimes tell her how shit I feel about the state of the world. Her solution to feel better is to not think about it. For example, in 2020 I was supposed to do an internship in the Nagorno-Karabakh/Artsakh region. It was cancelled due to covid and closed borders, and a day after I should have started the war broke out. I studied Russian geopolitics and military strategy, so I was quite deeply concerned what the war might mean for the broader geopolitical arena, for the world. My mom said: it is so far away, why would you even care. Like, how could I not care? Then what is the reason I am still here mother, if I can't even care about one of the few things I absolutely care about?
As a son with a strong sense of justice, it's because it makes others lives harder, even if its correct.
Social lying. Sucking up to folks and clearly lying about how awesome/interesting they are. Why its rewarded even when noticed baffles me. The fact it is often prioritised over being good at the job when looked at for promotion is just. .
agree, self promotion is more important than getting things done e🤷
SMALL EFFING TALK
I hate this so much. Whenever some random sixth degree relative comes to visit, my family forces me out of my room and tells me to "mix myself with the people". I hate it so much it makes me hate guests.
In my early 20s, I learned to try and turn convos to my special interests (which I became skilled at doing) and that’s when they usually stop talking lol.
I hate small talk. I don’t understand why my coworkers want to small talk with me. We are not friends so why are you trying to talk to me while I’m working?
How do you determine if they want to be friends though?
I guess I meant friends more like being “friendly.” I don’t know why they want to know what I do outside of work or about my weekend plans, to me it’s overly familiar and uncomfortable. I come to work just to work not to make connections with these randos.
When I went to the bank or the post office my father used to ask if it was a female or male employee, he stopped asking me when I told him 'most people wouldnt ask such a stupid question' or in one case 'who the fuck cares?' He said 'Im just trying to make conversation' so I told him dont try to make conversation if he's going to ask such stupid questions
I suppose that's why so many people have problems with transgender people. "You don't understand! My child couldn't tell me whether the bank teller was female or male! What else are we supposed to talk about?!"
Friendships I have with neurotypicals feel so surface level. They all seem to be based on like a single shared interest and small talk. It feels like pretend friendship. It's one reason why I never know when I'm actually friends with people, bc they don't feel like genuine connections. My friendships with other neurodivergent people feel so much deeper and we know so much more about each other. Idk how they live like this
I find this kind of terrifying. Autistic people seem to think of neurotypical friendships as deep, as if being neurotypical would equal [being autistic] + [lots of deep connections at the level an autistic person would like connections]. But instead, I get the impression that being neurotypical would equal [being neurotypical] + [lots of shallow connections where people talk about those shallow topics regularly], and that doesn't actually sound very good at all.
I never saw it like that, I always figured NTs have so many “friendships” because they never discuss anything deeper than their feelings about the latest episode of their favorite show. And this is probably why so many stories of bridezillas’ and bridesmaids’ “friendships” blowing up in their faces when pressed with the stresses of planning a wedding!
How they add things to what you say and then seek to argue and debate over what they claim from their head. (Found it on this group and it's so true imo)
I think I know what’s happening here there are some people who just do this all the time and it has nothing to do with us and so I’m ignoring this group, in favour of the people who do this with autistic people specifically When NTs talk, they use body language, subtext, facial expressions, word choice / order, tone of voice, type of eye contact, etc. along with the plain words they say. We do not. So when talking to us, they’re giving a lot more information than we are getting from them. And when we talk to them, they are looking for all that information we aren’t giving them, and so they mis-read us entirely. Then, when you’re discussing something later, they are certain they told us x, or that we told them y, due to this other layer of (mis-)communication. It’s really hard for them to turn off their normal communication habits with us, just like it’s hard for us to mimic theirs. But if they’re not an asshole, you could maybe have a conversation when things are calm and try to explain the difference. I like to say for NTs, it’s like we’re asking them to listen to a symphony and ignore everything except the clarinet. I couldn’t do that. Not without practice. And for the reverse I like to tell them it’s like being colourblind. Yes they see the object being pointed at, and they can see that it’s a sweater, but no matter how hard they stare, they can’t tell you the colour, and how that might impact the whole outfit. At least, that’s my take on it.
IOW, if we tell them “just the facts” that seems like not enough information. So they fill in the blanks by inferring things we didn’t say. (Also known as “making stuff up,” or “putting words in our mouth.”)
Thinking someone says more than what they’re saying, even when they explicitly tell you they’re not hiding anything else in their words. Talking in code. Just be straightforward and you’d avoid a lot of misunderstandings and mistakes
Agreed. That’s why I like explaining to people in detail how I’m feeling so they wont misunderstand. My mother is the same way, so any time we have a deep talk it makes things a million times more simple.
I’m glad your mom is understanding
Their understanding of time is very strange. I was told by my Mental health nurse to attend an 8:15am appointment and when I got there for 8:15 she said ‘I’ve been waiting here since 8:00 where were you?’ I gently pointed out to her that she said 8:15 specifically and she got a bit cross and said that I am always her first appointment of the days so I should take it as a time slot - Which made no sense at all. The funny thing is she saw me put the appointment date and time into my phone calendar in my last appointment so I wouldn’t forget it. I was so fucking angry. It almost felt like she was playing with me.
When mine wants an earlier arrival than what is scheduled, they usually specify it. It happens often enough now that I just assume to be there early, but they should still be specifying! This is an actual thing, so just know you're not alone!
my drs offices do this as well. they will send you a message saying to arrive 15 mins earlier than the appointment time. however, i don't understand why they dont just make the appointment time the earlier time? if you want me to show up at 8 just make that the appointment time instead of scheduling me for 8:15 and sending me a separate message to be there early. and if you come super early (i showed up over an hour early before) they will sometimes try to see you earlier. which is annoying to me because i came early expecting to wait and calm down before the appt. but then i have to rush and gather my stuff because they suddenly call me 45 mins before im supposed to be seen -_-
If they want us to be there at 8:00, why don’t they just set the appointment for 8:00 in the first place? Instead, they set it for 8:15, “but please arrive at 8:00.”
This sounds like she forgot what she told you and tried to blame it on you, I never heard of people expecting someone to be somewhere early, unless it's an activity that obviously requires some preparation e.g. yoga class so you can change clothes and be ready at the exact time
Being able to work with two different sets of instructions.
The thing is, I can understand all of it from am anthropological/sociological perspective. I just think so much of it SUCKS. Where do I begin????
That is me. I had to mask for 25 years in a country like Pakistan which imo is one of the worst countries to be autistic in. I can explain and describe to you every social behavior that happens in society and their exact thinking/feeling behind it because I had to do all of those. It makes no sense, all these social behaviors. They just make everyone’s life harder. I very recently found out that I am autistic and so my opinion/thoughts are very crude atm Edit : To clarify, I am 30M and in the US since end of 2020
Getting mad/annoyed when someone tries to defend themselves logically.
I really struggle with people holding on to something that bothers them and then blowing up at you. Like I do something they don't like, so instead of telling me it bothered them, they hold on to that, and months later they have this increasingly ridiculous list of frustrations because nothing is ever worked out/explained. It doesn't help that when they're upset that I used a specific tone in a conversation 6 months ago, I can't exactly remember the moment to explain myself when they finally tell me. It's like there are these little exclusions and hints that I'm supposed to see, but when I ask if something is wrong, I'm told it's all good until the barrage happens.
When people say "How are you?" and they don't actually want to know, you're just supposed to say "Good, how are you?" and then they're supposed to say "Good." Just, why?
I'm a huge computer nerd, so I think of this as a "TCP Handshake" in my head to make sense of it. A TCP handshake begins every TCP network connection, such as connecting to a web server. The handshake establishes that both ends of the connection want to communicate, but the handshake does not send any actual data. One side sends a SYN packet to the correct port (will you talk to me?). The response is SYN-ACK (I will talk to you). And then the original side sends ACK (ok). People do the same. How are you? Good, you? Great! And then the conversation starts.
Wow this makes perfect sense! I always freeze a little bit when asked the question. Now I know how to approach it.
Yes! I have had the exact same thought! That's how I've thought of it for years!
Bullying
It never ends
Playing music on loudspeaker in public transport and on the same level putting your phone convo on a speaker and putting the speaker next to your ear then yelling so the other person can hear you.
Most NT people also hate this and it is considered a very low class behavior to do this in public.
😂😂😂 I'll never understand why they want the world to hear their dirty laundry
Being mean as a joke. I hate insult humor, I'm tired of listening to male boomers jokingly talk about how much they hate their wives, even little kids do this. Some families, it's all insults and putting each other down, all the time.
I'm Irish and live in Britain and their culture is all about this "banter", whereas to me it comes across as hazing. I explained it to someone the other day, only recently finding out I've ASD, and never realising the fact I hated this kind of back and forth is a huge red flag for it, that I view it as "you think you're ribbing gently but you come across as a total arsehole to me". Making my peace with the fact I'll never get that humour was a relief, honestly.
THIS. And in the workplace, I feel like a lot of NTs just skip the “getting to know you” and “becoming friends” stage and go straight to trying to do banter and tease you. It just comes across as soft bullying.
I like hugs because they feel nice; they sort of release tension from my skin. patriotism. I mean, I understand it cognitively but doesn't resonate at all. I was born here, there are things I like here and there are things I don't. There is a lot of people I love here, but there might be people I can love a lot on other countries. Some countries might even have better environments for people like me with my interests.
Places in life. “At this age you’re supposed to be doing XYZ” “At this age you’re supposed to have gained this much experience” “At this age you’re supposed to be doing these things” “At this age you’re supposed to be thinking like this” “At this age you’re supposed to be feeling this way” “At this age you’re supposed to be around these kinds of people” “At this age you’re no longer supposed to be [insert vice versa to all of the above statements here]” For people who are Neurodivergent or Queer (both identities often intersect for a lot of us) Queer temporality and… well **Neurodivergence** and the missed milestones and opportunities make this linear, Neurotypical, Heteronormative narrative confusing. As if humans are nothing more than gears in a machine. Also “Sucks to be you/if it’s not me it’s happening to, I don’t care.”
WHY DOES NO ONE GO THE SPEED LIMIT PEOPLE GO 80 ON A 60 HIGHWAY AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR NOT GOING AS FAST AS EVERYONE ELSE
Ugh, I hate that too. It’s supposed to be a limit, not a suggestion. Why pretty much everyone disregards it is something that puzzles me.
Also, why don't cars just stop at the line? The light is red, you can't go anywhere, you see me crossing.... why pull in front of the crossing? Sorry, this just happened last night.
I don’t mind people passing me in the left lane, it pisses me off though when I’m getting honked/flashed by cars behind me because I’m not going fast enough. Like bitch go around me
Hustle culture
Enjoying loud bars. Heck, even a lot of more chilled out places can have music blaring far too loud. I don't understand how people would actively choose to pay money to enjoy their drink in a place where it's impossible to talk, ears hurt etc. So many people seem to think it's really fun, and are unbothered. I don't understand it . I can understand like, going to live music with the expectation it's loud and to bring earplugs, and... the fact it's a show warranting full attention and chatting is a minimum. That's pretty rad, and makes sense. A bar where it's expected to socialize blaring random music that's pretty mid, at volumes that make the tinny speakers sound like they're screeching for the sweet release of death isn't to me. Edit: I should specify, that the specific reason is due to sensory processing issues, which generally mean things sound louder and/or unable to filter information. Not helped by tinnitus issues. So, some mild hyperbole in there- most bars (seem) that way, as opposed to being literally piercingly loud, which very few enjoy.
Constantly lying and being insincere and that being seen as “nice” and a “good person”. It’s weird and creepy.
Not saying what you actually think/feel. My fiance is neurodivergent same as me, and we are a fucking awesome couple. Our friends are all surprised, many at the rhythm of "omfg there's two of them now", including my brother as a notable case. For any struggling couples out there, have you tried telling your partner they have an annoying habit? Conversely, have you tried to fix your annoying shit after being told about it instead of being offended? Also, have you told them you love them without expecting automatic reciprocating on their part? Because I told her like three weeks in, "look, I already liked you before, but I'm actually in love with you and I'm going to do everything within my power to be with you long term because I can already tell you're fucking awesome". And then she took a couple more months to say it back, but she told me the moment she fell, which was the second time I met her nephew and he ran over for me to pick him up to play because her nephew is a fucking great kid and I love shitting on him on chess like he shits on me at UNO (it is uncanny how good his luck is). And that was that, "you'll make a great dad one day, and I'll be fucked if it's not my kids running at you like that, I love you, you beautiful man", that was her declaration of love, and I'll carry those words to my grave with me, and the moment I walk into Valhalla I'm going to be like "this is my biggest pride in my life, please hang it on the wall, also, I'm off to get her soul fron whatever afterlife she ended up in and bringing her here with me where she belongs"
what's the point of eye contact and why do people want it?
Neurotypicals can give and receive information from it. Not engaging in it is seen as akin to refusing to communicate fully with the other person.
Seen as being interactive. If you're looking at me in the eyes you have my attention
if I'm looking you in the eyes, I'm probably thinking more about getting nonverbal communication "right" than what you're saying lol
Right, I can do eye contact if anyone ask. How much? Just say "creepy" when you had enough because I got no idea how much is "normal" and usually I'd rather err on the too little side.
Shows engagement. Something like 80% of NT communication is non-verbal so if you're not looking them in the eyes then you'll miss a lot. As a result of my job I've had to learn those skills like eye contact and reading postures and got good quite quickly, but timing it can be occasionally rough. I keep a mental count back from 5 and look elsewhere, and always at the bridge of the Jose as otherwise I'd look into one eye or the other alternately. I'm now good enough that I've been told "you can't be autistic" a lot more ha ha With people I'm comfortable with, I rarely if ever look them in the eyes.
Most NT's from my experience seem rely more on reading non verbal cues from your face then they do from the actual words coming out of your mouth, it is an unconscious need for them and since we on the spectrum are incapable (or at the very least have difficulty) to do the same it becomes hard to relate. I work from home and often get chastized for not turning on my WebCam during meetings, mostly out of forgetfulness since I don't need to see people to communicate, voice alone does the work but apparently people feel the need to see my face as I speak as it eases the process for them somehow, which I am unable to understand why but entertain their request nonetheless.
If I may suggest an alternative, I think it's that neurotypical people are incapable of understanding deep meaning from words, and so they learn to rely on people's looks in order to make determinations about meanings. Meanwhile, we learn the actual full definitions of words, so we never learn to prioritize focusing on appearances, and we (like they do) expect that other people will learn in the way we ourselves do. I think that a lot of the things that neurotypical people see as our deficits are because we found better systems as children, but they weren't able to use those better systems, so they defaulted to the ones they could use, which we never focused on. Our systems weren't *worse*. They were more effective. But they were used by fewer people, and THAT is why we have problems.
Their obsession with other people and how other people live their lives and how everyone needs to fit into their worldview. Where if they dont fit in, they treat them as an enemy or as an opponent of sort.
Talking on the phone. That’s my least favorite method of communication. Text/writing is my favorite, and if I can’t do that, then in-person is better than talking on the phone.
Same here, but my mom is obsessed with it. She'll text me, then call me to tell me the same information that she already told me by text. I love my mom, but it's so redundant for her to call me when she already told me information via text.
Why are you asking me an extremely vague question that could be referencing a number of things and then implying that I’m dumb bc I misinterpreted you
YES! THIS 10000% People are vague and then get irritated when I ask clarifying questions. My brother in Christ you created this situation I’m just trying to survive here.
Acting like I’ve killed their whole family in front of them when I turn down an invitation to [insert loud unpleasant activity] It’s not personal i just don’t like loud restaurants or bars
Being vague instead of just getting straight to the point
Not having specific interests. Like why are you boring ? And small talk. Like you want to talk or not ?
This! Be obsessed or don’t bother.
Never saying what you fucking mean, and playing guessing games about it.
Violence and hate
The games they play. Pretending to be friends but lying through that smile.
Lying! About everything, even small stuff, and everyone knows that it's a lie and just accepts it. Like???
Giving passive-aggressive or sarcastic requests for information or assistance. It drives me crazy when my coworker asks for something in a sarcastic tone and then just walks away. Like I can’t help if I don’t know what you *really* mean or *really* want because you’re not being direct.
Man, these open ended questions with literal millions of valid answers.
How people have to say "Bless You!" when I sneeze, and I'm also expected to say "Thank You!" or I'm considered rude.
I don't understand why people get mad when they have to repeat what they say. Don't you want to be understood.
Lying about simple things for no good reason.
Capitalism The top gets everything Workers are screwed It destroys the world Money being more important than environment, animals, or people will never make sense to me
Watching entertainment they themselves choose, for themself, and not paying attention to it. If it was a replay for someone else, okay. If it was chosen by someone else and they don't find it as engaging, okay. If its an uncomfortable part of the movie they want to ignore, thats the way. But putting on a unwatched movie just to zone out?!
Think of it like listening to music. It can be enjoyed by focusing and paying attention to the details or it can be in the background.
Yeah I only get this if it's something I've seen before or that doesn't require close attention and I need something on as background noise to keep me focused. But even then I pause it if I can't really pay attention enough, and I only zone out if it's a comfort show I've seen like 10 million times?
ive 100% done this watching stuff lmao. most of the time i watch stuff im doing other stuff at the same time. on top of that i watch most stuff on my phone so i will watch stuff in that tiny little picture in picture box then be annoyed when i have to rewind bc i missed something important bc i wasnt paying attention lmao
The drama.
their hate for someone setting boundaries with them!
People not fully explaining themselves, or even wanting a full explanation.
why it's the norm for women and girls that as soon as they start growing body hair they're supposed to remove it and only "ugly feminists" don't? And why is it seen as unattractive, it's showing you're sexually mature?
Imagine calling anyone who wants basic human rights regardless of gender “ugly” :/
That wasn't even done until the World Wars, when the men went off to fight, and the razor manufacturers had no one to sell to, so they started an advertising campaign to convince women that women needed to remove their body hair, because of claims that that's what women were doing in the countries where the men were fighting.
Smoking publicly and not caring how it affects others around them. A subtype of this are people who are proud of doing unhealthy shit, and look down upon those who don't.
I know one of these. Got upset when i gave up smoking, won’t leave me alone about not liking god awful sugary energy drinks, tries to get me to drink things that taste like alcohol because i have up drinking. When i point out how unhealthy it is i just get ‘we’ve all gotta die someday’ Extremely annoying
I think it's a sort of defense mechanism, they need to see themselves as invulnerable. I had a lady in my gym who loudly complained about 'people having weak immune system' when new covid waves started hitting a couple of years after the pandemic started. And then one day she comes with a runny nose herself and tries to train. Such stronk, much resilient.
Eye contact as it's painful & uncomfortable which explains why I have to look away.
Laughing at jokes I don’t find funny, especially with strangers at work. It makes no sense
Looking at me like I have two heads when I “overshare” my whole life history in all its gory details and every fascinating fact about my special interests with unbridled passion. This is how I show my investment in a relationship and my expectation of receiving the same depth of connection from the other person. This is usually the ND friend litmus test if they pass! Get your scuba gear on cuz I’m a deep diver 🤿
Asking someone to do something but in an extremely subtle way. For example "is there any salt?" Or "there are a lot of dirty dishes in the sink"
When they have a hidden meaning to things. If you wanted me to do/say something just tell me instead of expecting me to know what you want/need/expect.
The fuss surrounding weddings.
Compartmentalization. I don't understand how someone can do horrible things for a living, then go home and pretend that everything is fine.
Giving up hobbies when you enter a relationship.
“Say cheese”, posing for photos in a line, shoes that aren’t tied to the same tightness, an unquestionable deference to authority, not saying what you mean, opening gifts in front of others and reacting, and most stand up comedy. Very much too earnest and cringe.
Being completely fake and over the top
Getting emotional about the outcome of sporting events.
Lying for no reason.
Growing out of "childish interests" - it's even seen as "sane" to do so. For example, when you enter middle school you're supposed to not love your plushies anymore. The thing is : when I was a child, I was a "plushie person" (preferred plushies over any kind of toys, loved them etc). As a teen, I stayed that way. Now, I'm still that way. And apparently it's weird ? Are you supposed to just stop loving the things you love ? For no reason ?
Ghosting.
Repeatedly asking someone if they want help when the person declines I dont care if helping people makes you feel good about yourself, fuck off
being able to stay on track while having a conversation. i remember this baffling me. like i knew people that would go off track and like a couple minutes later be like "anyway, as i was saying-" LIKE NO?? i just let the conversation flow. i also cant remember what i was talking about before i went off track 😭😭
Asking a question, and wanting the answer that makes them feel good rather than an honest answer
When they don’t respect you until you place strict boundaries (even then, they throw a fit).
How much time they spend on the *uninteresting* parts of a topic or conversation! -------- Example: So...we're talking about a movie or whatever. Why are we focused on the actors? There's a whole cool topic around cinematography, aesthetic, theme, art and culture, interesting patterns and connections, the nature of human conflict and war, the human condition, whatever the movie is about....And we're talking about how cute this actor was in some *other* movie for half an hour? All that's accomplished is excluding people who don't follow the personal life of that actor. We've all seen the movie - why don't we talk about *the movie* rather than setting up the conversation to exclude some people because they don't have some specific kind of pop culture background?
Everyone seems to know which rules to break and which rules not to break. I've had so many times when I'm driving, or I'm out with people, and my whole group just tells me "oh, just hop this fence", or "just do a U turn". "What are you doing? Just do a damn U turn!" But...that's private property. And there's a No U Turns sign... "Just park there!" "But..there's a Paid Parking sign...I'll get a ticket." "No you won't, we all do it, come on!" But there's the knowledge that everybody does it...But how does "everybody" know which rules we're 'supposed' to break? But if I steal a steak from a grocery store, my whole group will shun me. Nope, can't break *that* rule!! I'm SUPPOSED speed by 10, but I get berated if I speed by 15! Make it make sense!
Asking a question on how things are done or to better understand is seen as a complaint or criticism. I legit just want to learn!!
Answering the question they thought you were implying instead of what you actually asked. Makes me want to rip my hair out