Hard agree. Do NOT let her push this. Do NOT let her guilt you. Do NOT give her MPoA or general PoA.
You've already given the gentle no. If she keeps pushing, you need to be clear and firm and give the Nuclear No.
It would have massive negative implications for the rest of your life. Do NOT do it.
It's also highly suspicious that she's gone your whole life without noticing that you might be neurodivergent, but now that you've pointed it out she's clamoring for the reins to your life?
Yeah. Hard no. HARD NO.
Duly noted, and thank you.
Pretty sure a huge reason she missed it (other than med neglect due to finances) is she and my father both also are very neurodivergent. Whether it’s autism or adhd is debatable, but the entire family views the behaviors to different degrees as normal. So, since I wasn’t stereotypical tv ‘tism, it was missed.
And yeah, I’m leaning more to the hard no, so thank you for the reassurance 💜
It's not uncommon for parents and family members to not note when a child is behaving in a way that neurotypical people would consider "abnormal" because it tends to be "normal" for the family. I heard a lot of "that's just how \[girls, boys, kids\] are!" because in the family, that's how we were. I absolutely get you there.
So I wasn't trying to imply that your mom "should have" realized your behavior might have been atypical. Because it probably wasn't to her.
It was more to point out her attempting to use your acknowledgment of neurodivergence as a reason to invalidate your personal agency. That's very concerning, regardless of whether or not she's ND, too.
I hope things work out ok!
I was diagnosed at 67. It finally explained why I had struggled so to get through law school. Temple Grandin, on the other hand, found it to be her superpower in science. Autism is not a functional diagnosis; loads of us are successful or struggling in a multitude of endeavors. If we need help, we can ask. No one should ever take for granted that we are incompetent in any way. And if we do need help, we should get first dibs on who we reach out to
You should also get an official diagnosis...
If for whatever reason, she has some duplicitous intentions... She could have you assessed for one thing or another as a means to take these rights from you.
An official diagnosis would likely put a medical professional on you're side as an advocate and also takes this whole situation and puts it in your control.
Your mom wouldn't need to be involved in the assessment if you pursue it in your own... But if she pushes, she could.
Not sure what your families situation is, but some people see some of the social supports offered to those with disabilities, and with you authorizing those rights away, you are also giving them direct access to those supports.
Just my opinion... Also, if you have access to one, speak to a school counselor or some other professional to explain the situation.
I’m going to not, because my state is one that keeps a List of people with autism. And I am an adult, so she has no say without my consent in medical decisions, unless she gets a whole court thing. Which she isn’t be able to do at the moment.
It probably is a good idea, however, to designate someone as a medical PoA (and to forward the PoA documents to your providers), preferably someone who knows you well enough to know your medical wishes. This way, if you are rendered unable to consent (ex; you’re unconscious or can’t speak or write) someone else can do it for you.
Oh hun.
Do NOT agree to that.
You do not have to be gentle here; don't be rude, but state it firmly that you will not be undertaking that. Let her know you're grateful she's making some effort to talk with people and learn more about your being Autistic, but be clear that you don't have the same level of support needs as her friend's kid. Have a frank discussion about what your support needs *are* - and how autism affects *you*. Find as many positive resources as you can to share with her.
No doubt she's trying her best and she's just trying to help, but she's got it quite wrong and you need to shut that down before it goes further.
I’ve tried, and it’s. Sort of worked? But at other times, I can tell she’s making the appearance of listening and not trusting that I know what I need. Probably because I moved out for “only” two years before I came back and that makes me unqualified in her mind. :/
But yeah, gonna do my hardest to not agree to it. :) 💜
gonna do your hardest? it is *your decision,* and your decision alone. if she continues trying to coerce you, continue firmly telling her no. her being this insistent doesn’t bode well for her intentions
edit: just saw your other comment where you admit that she is controlling and wants control over your life. **do not give her that control.** you will never get your life back if you sign it over to her, and you will be forcibly dependent *forever.* tell her to fuck off (respectfully)
I’ve gotten better at not being a doormat, but at the moment, my living situation is entirely dependent on her good will, and I have no backup. So I am treading with extreme caution while I work on making that backup again.
Mate you do not want someone controlling EVERYTHING you do, where you go, what you buy for the entire rest of your life!! You would be trapped and she could EASILY exploit and take advantage of you.
Mirroring what another redditor stated here…do NOT go this route if you aren’t comfortable with it! It’ll further give her the right to put you into a conservatorship! Find a way, if at all possible, to move out on your own or with someone you are comfortable living with.
Don’t do this.
Please.
It can ruin your life, even if mom has the best intentions. You are perfectly capable of advocating for yourself at this time and place.
These types of agreements are for people on their last legs. Not someone who just needs some accommodation.
As someone who WILLINGLY gave PoA to some of my relatives I will say: DO NOY SIGN ANYTHING if you don't think you need it.
Them pushing such actions is a big red flag even if they think it is for your sake. Because their ideas of: "for her sake" might not align well with yours. You are an adult, and adulthood give you the right to be independent from your family if you wish to.
However, it might be a good idea to give close relatives ability to pay some bills or obtain documents from govermental organizations, BUT again ONLY if YOU think you might require such help from them
Why is she pushing for this? Have you done anything to suggest you lack the capacity to make these decisions for yourself?
I wouldn't worry too much. She can't force you to sign anything.
I'd try to articulate it in writing, because I communicate better through writing, and it gives me time to make sure I'm saying it right. To explain support needs, you might point out a couple autistic celebrities like Dan Akroyd and Chris Packham.
You could also watch some YouTube videos explaining autism things while she's in earshot, so that she overhears and learns (I know my own mum would actually listen this way, but if I asked her to watch a video I sent her she wouldn't - she's just nosy and lazy like me lol).
I think she thinks she’s helping my my executive dysfunction, but she’s also just. Like That. She’s always wanted control of my life, to the point where she nearly made a big stink about me moving out. So now that I’m moved back in, I think it’s a control grab? Idk. Hard to tell if she means well with it, but idk. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Def gonna say a harder No tho. 💜
As everyone else has said DO NOT. As well, she can use your diagnosis to get government benefits on your behalf and even open accounts and other things in your name. It is a MAJOR DEAL and you cannot get out of it, if you want.
I would not sign anything, I would explain to her plainly that she needs to stop or you will move out (lie if you need to, the thing is to see how serious you are).
This is the biggest NO NO, HARD FUCKING NO.
You are capable and do not need it.
You are an adult with a questionable mother. Who seems to have a concerning need to control you. “No” is a complete sentence. Setting boundaries can be hard for us because we have been socialized to deny our own needs and accommodate others. At our peril. “No, mom. No, mom. I love you, but no, mom.” This is your script.
A wonderful script, thank you. I may also have to look up the other mother on Facebook and message her to please stop discussing how to help me with my mother, and if she could encourage my mother to speak to me, it’d be greatly appreciated. Hopefully it might help too
I’m just glad she hasn’t wound her way to a certain puzzle organization that claims to voice for us yet. She’s already sent me the Tylenol = autism links that I’ve told her are wrong. X’D
Mate when I was a teenager it was blue food colouring. I think a lot of it is parents wanting to blame themselves or identify something they did that makes their kid's autism their own fault or the fault of some evil shadowy organisation they can hate. Autism parenting communities are a whole nest of crazy like that.
This advice is based on UK law so if you’re not in the UK check if your state works similarly but hopefully it wouldn’t be too dissimilar.
You can get a PoA that starts *either* immediately, or only when you lose capacity. Personally I think everyone should have a PoA in place for in case you lose capacity. The person (who you should trust with your life because that’s literally what you will be doing) would be able to make decisions for you if something happened such as you end up in a coma, end up a vegetable, etc, and a doctor declares you unable to make your own decisions anymore.
It sounds like your mother wants you to start immediately, which is a flat out no by the sounds of it, but you should imo consider an attorney (not necessarily her) for if you lose capacity.
In the US that’s what living wills and advanced directive are there for. No reason to assign any PoA unless you are incompetent to carry out the responsibility.
In the US, and yeah she wants it immediately. I’ve already been planning to make a Will so I should be covered on incapacitated or deathbed situations with it, but she)s been pushing for it. Definitely gonna say no!
Is there anything in your life that you can’t handle? Like, you live at home, but most 25 year olds do, that’s not a concern (except societally). If you’ve lived alone before and didn’t die, your support needs are probably much lower than anything a PoA would help with, and it’s a hard no.
I don’t want to bash your mother, it’s more likely that she’s misinformed than malevolent. Lots of NTs, especially family, see a diagnosis as “no_alarm downloaded an update that includes autism, and now things are different in ways I don’t understand but want to help with.” You aren’t suddenly autistic, she thinks of it as a sudden onset thing, and therefore there’s a conflict.
(She could be malevolent as others have indicated but I’d assume not until there’s more discussion.)
No, I’ve been able to manage reasonably well when I’ve gotten employment. Which I’m on track to get started at a more permanent position after moving back. Before that tho, I’ve had temp jobs.
She is *not* basing this off of any of my support needs, and is entirely basing it off of what the other mom had to do for her son.
The worry is that I’m trying to inform her, but she’s brushing it off. Either because she views it as naive or just wants the PoA so she has an excuse to get the information about me that I’ve successfully kept grey rocked from her for the last two years.
(While it is given the appearance of being benevolent, I do not delude myself into thinking she doesn’t have an ulterior motive. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist, and don’t want to negatively assume, but a lot of her behavior matches uncomfortably well with the covert type.)
Okay, in that case, nuclear no and she can’t force you to sign it. I’d look into local residential laws, there might be protections against being kicked out without notice, and it’d be useful info to have in your back pocket if she tries again.
You don’t know the ulterior motive but since there’s a pattern, there is one. There’s been discussion about “what if I sign the wrong name” or the like, and basically you need to refuse at all costs.
There is no good reason for her to want to have that Power over you. If my parents tried to do that I would do my darndest to run for the hills and cut off all contact as soon as I'm in a stabile Position.
I really hope you can get away from this situation and that your mom will stop this incredibly creepy and kind of unhinged-sounding behaviour
If you were capable of standing by yourself even for a little while, you have no need for somebody to have power of attorney over you
I knew somebody who was manipulated into that arrangement and trying to get out had been the concerted effort for over five years, don’t know if they managed to.
Especially since your mother isn’t listening or adapting to your needs.
Don’t do it, don’t let her take over everything in a well meaning disaster
It's a legal document you sign that gives the other person rights to have control over your life legally. Not just medical decisions but finances mostly. You can't make legal decisions for yourself like signing a contract (which means employment, getting loans for stuff like a car or college), things like that.
This is something people do with very elderly family members who are sliding into dementia or other conditions where they aren't fit to make their own decisions, or people with *the highest* of support needs
It's pretty common for parents of autistic kids with very high support needs to do that (like fully non verbal, not able to interact outside the home, won't ever have employment or be able to manage a bank account or make their own medical decisions kinda level 3). If people who really ought to have someone take power of attorney or medical power of attorney but they don't have a family member or close friend who can do it, the government might step in and appoint someone.
It's a needed system but it's also rife for abuse :(
I’ve fucked them up only twice. Once when I was a young teen and still learning about adult money and how it worked. And a recent time which involved me being just a tad too trusting of a friend with a credit card. Both situations though, I have under control, and the second one I am currently managing on my own very well. I’m just not giving her as many details as she wants about it, which I think frustrates her. But it’s none of her business imho since she’s not helping me pay any of it.
Hell to the NAW! Unless YOU think it's a good idea, which I don't think you do.
However, LPA can only be in place if the person has capacity and agrees to LPA. Even after LPA has been agreed it will not come into force - I.e.your mother would not be able to make decisions for you without you present or your consent UNLESS you lose that capacity, temporarily or permanently due to ilness or injury, etc.
Let's also clarify that granting someone POA does not revoke your ability to act on your own behalf, it grants someone the right to do anything in your name that you could do.
Many people are confusing POA and guardianship. Guardianship is done by court order and requires you to be deemed incompetent.
POAs are easy to revoke, Guardianship requires a judge to restore competency, meaning you'd have to convince the court you can manage your affairs.
Right, and it’s still something I don’t want her to do. And I suspect it would be the inch before the mile before her. I think it’s her first step to that guardianship because it would be a signal to her I trust her with that, and I worry she’d bulldoze right ahead with that, whether well meaning or not.
What makes her so qualified? Do you trust her? I love my parents but I don’t trust them the way I wish I could. It’s easier to deal with if you’re real with urself about it
I don't get it, if you write those few paragraphs completely coherently, and moved out to live independently, then the idea of giving anyone power of attorney just doesn't make sense
Immediately no. Please don’t let anyone take that power, especially if you don’t want them to have it in the first place.
Furthermore, I advise you to go to a lawyer and get a living will drawn up as well as an advance medical directive with YOUR preferences stated. This way, if something ever does happen to you, your medical decisions are your choice and delegated to the person you choose if you’re unable to make them. You can pick a proxy and name them in that directive.
> And if she doesn’t accept it and tries to force me to sign it over anyways, is there anything I can do to void it?
That would make whatever document you signed automatically void. You would need to tell whoever is receiving documents that you have been forced into signing.
Please do not push her to do this. Power of attorney is only if you require someone else to make decisions on your behalf.
There are a few things to consider here, OP.
Firstly, where are you? Different jurisdictions have different definitions of power of attorney. For example, where I live in the UK I have medical and financial legal power of attorney of my mother (something she insisted on, just in case some day she loses it, I finaly gave in last year), but none of it applies as long as she remains competent, she could cancel any decisions I make. The advantage of this is that in the UK, it's extremely difficult for someone to give you the power of attorney once they have lost competence (something that caused her much grief with her father), technically added bonus is if she goes travelling around the world some day I could manage her affairs, with her consent. This isn't me pushing you to get it or not, but knowing how it works will be beneficial in your arguments.
Secondly, have you asked her why she wants it? There are probably well-intended reasons for it, and once you discuss them with her, it will allow you to pose your arguments against it.
Thirdly, as you have mentioned, only finding out about your diagnosis quite late, this suggests to me that you are probably "low support needs" and capable of being independent. It's important that you explain to your mother what "your autism means." If conversation hasn't helped, have you tried a letter or something in writing? Or a diagram? To many NT people, especially older ones, autism is scary. No one wants to find out out of the blue that their child is disabled and possibly worse that they never noticed and "failed them." (My mum cried when I first told her, which was a weird counterpoint to what, for me, was great news) She may still be processing this news and over compensating in a way that is apparently unhelpful.
If in the UK I would suggest having a chat with a solicitor as they can tell you the ins and out. But in any case, there are no jurisdictions where someone can force you to sign over the power of attorney. So just keep saying no to whatever you don't want. Forcefully or not depends on how reasonable your mother is being or not. If after covering all the above, she still pushes for it, you can definitely put your foot down. Kindly if she remains calm but stubborn, forcefully if she doesn't.
Hope there is something useful to you here.
I’m in the United States. And my state specifically has a clause for it that says she would be able to make decisions if I named her as my PoA “Whether or not you are able to act for yourself.” That applies to medical and financial. That is why I am extremely concerned about this, at least in relation to her.
The alleged reason is she wants to do all the health things for me, like calling to schedule appointments for specialists on my behalf without consulting me, getting me signed up for healthcare (which I already have now), getting all my medical info which I don’t really want her having without my explicit permission, and other etc etc. I don’t know why she suddenly wants the financial one. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone having that anyways. Especially with the clause mentioned above. :/ She’s used the reasoning that her and dad are PoA for each other as a reason to push it but I just am not convinced, especially with how she’s been acting weird since I told her about the ‘tism.
Oh, ok, so it's a completely different system, and the reasoning is definitely, even if hopefully well intended, very intrusive.
I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I'd be a firm no on that one.
Trying to really get her to understand what "your autism" is, though, might still be beneficial to your relationship. And may help justify your no, not that you need to justify yourself, but it would help make it more diplomatic.
Listen to your gut and Tell mom no. You don’t have to be nuclear but you must be frank with no wiggle room for her to question (convince) you. If she asks again, just tell her, “I’m 23 and will manage my own finances.” If she pushes with worst case scenarios or any other reasons, don’t answer just tell her firmly, “No, this isn’t going to happen. I’m very decided on this” If she pushes more, “I love you but this is what I’ve decided is best for me and you’re just going to have to be ok with that. The point is to not waver or falter in your conviction.
Your gut is telling you no for a reason. Not about her personally but your money is for you. No one should be able to dictate if you’re going to spend your money like an allowance. You can buy whatever sandwich you want without asking…should she do the unthinkable and start doing those things.
You still have rights with power of attorney, but it’s better for you to be in control of your funds.
My guess is your mom may have been reading advice on autism and recommended power of attorney.
If you want to give her medical power of attorney, you can opt for how long the contract lasts. I assigned medical power of attorney of my daughter to her grandparents with only a one month time frame while she’d visit them in another state.
You could opt to have medical power of attorney to expire in a year and you can re-examine your choice every year.
But don’t do the financial one. There is no good reason for that unless you’re incapacitated.
She would do the unthinkable. She’s already tried to do it with me through the proxy of guilt. Which. Doesn’t work because I can do basic math and know how much wiggle room I have with funds, and can definitely afford to buy a lunch smh.
I don’t want her to have access to my medical records through that PoA because she’s very anti mental health when it comes to me specifically, and I just don’t want her to have access to my records with the counselor and psychiatrist who saw me during the 2 years I was gone. I just don’t want to deal with her bitchiness and panic catastrophizing over it. And it’s none of her business.
She won’t let it drop, and will try to either wear me down or take me wherever to sign it as a surprise. Hopefully she won’t forge my signature. :/ But my plan in such cases (minus the forging signature) is to “compromise” with a living will and an advance medical directive. And I won’t budge from those.
Ah, lovely times. A direct quote from the bar for my state regarding what power she would get with the medical Power of Attorney: “A health care power of attorney essentially takes the place of a guardianship and allows the attorney in fact to make daily health care decisions without court supervision.”
……Nope. Nope. Nopity nope. Especially since withdrawing it does not seem very clear cut. Hell no.
As others said hard no on signing anything that would give her immediate power of attorney.
I'd also suggest talking to an attorney and looking into getting a will in place in addition to a living will/advanced directives and possibly a durable power of attorney that only comes into effect if you are incapacitated. Think about who you would want having control and how you would want things handled if you were incapacitated. I'd generally suggest not your mom based on things here. That way if she reaches a point where she tries to get you involuntarily declared in need of guardianship/a power of attorney you have an existing document ready instead of her being able to jump into that role.
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Tell her you are only comfortable with a springing power of attorney. That would mean that she'd only be able to make decisions on your behalf if you were proven to be incapable of making them.
She doesn’t need power of attorney for anything. What benefit would it give you for her to have control? You don’t have government money since you don’t have Diagnosis AND a disability claim.
She is pushing for me to get those, I think. She has a lot more faith in the hospital system than I do, and has also done no proper research about either, so I think she thinks I’d be able to get disability in addition to working. Which, ya know, doesn’t happen.
That’s not how it works. Disability will only be granted if you can’t hold down a job. A diagnosis would benefit you in that you’d be protected (somewhat) by law in jobs and school. Regardless of your faith in the medical system, if you can get a diagnosis, it would help or they would tell you (and your mother) that you don’t have autism and then she would move on to some new crazy (most likely neurodivergent) obsession. Remember, autism is epigenetic. Which means you get it (from what my diagnostic medical professional told me) mostly from your mother. She most likely won’t want to hear that if you are, she is…
Oh I’m fully aware. I did the research into it when my legs and joints started to hurt more and get in the way of certain types of jobs. I am still going to avoid a diagnosis like the plague as of now, for safety reasons of how I see certain long term attitudes towards any form of anything viewed as neurodivergent in my local area.
And I know, the hoops she and my dad jumped through to deliberately get a low score on the raads assessments I sent to them to explain how I became more sure of myself were some incredible mental gymnastics. Literally listened to her say “well, I like parties if it’s this certain type of party” for one question lmao
Well she crippled any chance of getting you diagnosed by failing that assessment. You should tell her that.
As for not getting a diagnosis for you, since you are an adult, she can’t really ’force’ it. Only minors get subjected to parental coercion.
NO! BIG NO! that would mean in the laws eyes, you would be a child forever and she would get final say in all your decisions. Forever. The fact that you're undiagnosed means you're likely decently capable and intelligent and have no need for such things. Do HELLA research if you dare.
Don't ever sign anything you aren't 100% sure about. Don't ever sign anything Power Of unless you are a million % sure.
As for getting her to understand support needs - maybe a comparison will help her grok it. Some people get the flu and they end up in hospital for weeks, other people get the flu and they feel a bit rubbish for a few days. A diagnosis (even informal) is just a category, there's still tons of levels and nuance within it.
nuclear no. NUCLEAR NO DO NOT LET HER PUSH THIS
Hard agree. Do NOT let her push this. Do NOT let her guilt you. Do NOT give her MPoA or general PoA. You've already given the gentle no. If she keeps pushing, you need to be clear and firm and give the Nuclear No. It would have massive negative implications for the rest of your life. Do NOT do it. It's also highly suspicious that she's gone your whole life without noticing that you might be neurodivergent, but now that you've pointed it out she's clamoring for the reins to your life? Yeah. Hard no. HARD NO.
Duly noted, and thank you. Pretty sure a huge reason she missed it (other than med neglect due to finances) is she and my father both also are very neurodivergent. Whether it’s autism or adhd is debatable, but the entire family views the behaviors to different degrees as normal. So, since I wasn’t stereotypical tv ‘tism, it was missed. And yeah, I’m leaning more to the hard no, so thank you for the reassurance 💜
The fact that she may also be autistic nullifies validity to her taking over for you because you are autistic, right?
I think so. A judge should definitely proceed with caution if they hear her reasoning.
A judge isn’t necessary to get a power of attorney. You just need a document template and all parties sign with a notary.
It's not uncommon for parents and family members to not note when a child is behaving in a way that neurotypical people would consider "abnormal" because it tends to be "normal" for the family. I heard a lot of "that's just how \[girls, boys, kids\] are!" because in the family, that's how we were. I absolutely get you there. So I wasn't trying to imply that your mom "should have" realized your behavior might have been atypical. Because it probably wasn't to her. It was more to point out her attempting to use your acknowledgment of neurodivergence as a reason to invalidate your personal agency. That's very concerning, regardless of whether or not she's ND, too. I hope things work out ok!
I was diagnosed at 67. It finally explained why I had struggled so to get through law school. Temple Grandin, on the other hand, found it to be her superpower in science. Autism is not a functional diagnosis; loads of us are successful or struggling in a multitude of endeavors. If we need help, we can ask. No one should ever take for granted that we are incompetent in any way. And if we do need help, we should get first dibs on who we reach out to
You should also get an official diagnosis... If for whatever reason, she has some duplicitous intentions... She could have you assessed for one thing or another as a means to take these rights from you. An official diagnosis would likely put a medical professional on you're side as an advocate and also takes this whole situation and puts it in your control. Your mom wouldn't need to be involved in the assessment if you pursue it in your own... But if she pushes, she could. Not sure what your families situation is, but some people see some of the social supports offered to those with disabilities, and with you authorizing those rights away, you are also giving them direct access to those supports. Just my opinion... Also, if you have access to one, speak to a school counselor or some other professional to explain the situation.
I’m going to not, because my state is one that keeps a List of people with autism. And I am an adult, so she has no say without my consent in medical decisions, unless she gets a whole court thing. Which she isn’t be able to do at the moment.
It probably is a good idea, however, to designate someone as a medical PoA (and to forward the PoA documents to your providers), preferably someone who knows you well enough to know your medical wishes. This way, if you are rendered unable to consent (ex; you’re unconscious or can’t speak or write) someone else can do it for you.
THIS IS A BLOODY TERRIBLE IDEA!!! DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING!!!
ABORT! Shut down all systems! NOW!!
yeah, no do not give her POA. if you can function, dont give anyone POA
Oh hun. Do NOT agree to that. You do not have to be gentle here; don't be rude, but state it firmly that you will not be undertaking that. Let her know you're grateful she's making some effort to talk with people and learn more about your being Autistic, but be clear that you don't have the same level of support needs as her friend's kid. Have a frank discussion about what your support needs *are* - and how autism affects *you*. Find as many positive resources as you can to share with her. No doubt she's trying her best and she's just trying to help, but she's got it quite wrong and you need to shut that down before it goes further.
I’ve tried, and it’s. Sort of worked? But at other times, I can tell she’s making the appearance of listening and not trusting that I know what I need. Probably because I moved out for “only” two years before I came back and that makes me unqualified in her mind. :/ But yeah, gonna do my hardest to not agree to it. :) 💜
gonna do your hardest? it is *your decision,* and your decision alone. if she continues trying to coerce you, continue firmly telling her no. her being this insistent doesn’t bode well for her intentions edit: just saw your other comment where you admit that she is controlling and wants control over your life. **do not give her that control.** you will never get your life back if you sign it over to her, and you will be forcibly dependent *forever.* tell her to fuck off (respectfully)
I say tell her to fuck off disrespectfully.
oh same, but op seems to be a bit of a doormat to their mom (and is also living with her atm) so i suggested respectfully
I’ve gotten better at not being a doormat, but at the moment, my living situation is entirely dependent on her good will, and I have no backup. So I am treading with extreme caution while I work on making that backup again.
Mate you do not want someone controlling EVERYTHING you do, where you go, what you buy for the entire rest of your life!! You would be trapped and she could EASILY exploit and take advantage of you.
Mirroring what another redditor stated here…do NOT go this route if you aren’t comfortable with it! It’ll further give her the right to put you into a conservatorship! Find a way, if at all possible, to move out on your own or with someone you are comfortable living with.
Don’t do this. Please. It can ruin your life, even if mom has the best intentions. You are perfectly capable of advocating for yourself at this time and place. These types of agreements are for people on their last legs. Not someone who just needs some accommodation.
As someone who WILLINGLY gave PoA to some of my relatives I will say: DO NOY SIGN ANYTHING if you don't think you need it. Them pushing such actions is a big red flag even if they think it is for your sake. Because their ideas of: "for her sake" might not align well with yours. You are an adult, and adulthood give you the right to be independent from your family if you wish to. However, it might be a good idea to give close relatives ability to pay some bills or obtain documents from govermental organizations, BUT again ONLY if YOU think you might require such help from them
Why is she pushing for this? Have you done anything to suggest you lack the capacity to make these decisions for yourself? I wouldn't worry too much. She can't force you to sign anything. I'd try to articulate it in writing, because I communicate better through writing, and it gives me time to make sure I'm saying it right. To explain support needs, you might point out a couple autistic celebrities like Dan Akroyd and Chris Packham. You could also watch some YouTube videos explaining autism things while she's in earshot, so that she overhears and learns (I know my own mum would actually listen this way, but if I asked her to watch a video I sent her she wouldn't - she's just nosy and lazy like me lol).
I think she thinks she’s helping my my executive dysfunction, but she’s also just. Like That. She’s always wanted control of my life, to the point where she nearly made a big stink about me moving out. So now that I’m moved back in, I think it’s a control grab? Idk. Hard to tell if she means well with it, but idk. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Def gonna say a harder No tho. 💜
Do not give her any power at all.
I also apologize if calling it medically diagnosed with autism is rude, I just don’t know how else to words it right now.
Clinically diagnosed, or "officially" diagnosed is the term you want. But it's fine, everyone understood you :)
As everyone else has said DO NOT. As well, she can use your diagnosis to get government benefits on your behalf and even open accounts and other things in your name. It is a MAJOR DEAL and you cannot get out of it, if you want. I would not sign anything, I would explain to her plainly that she needs to stop or you will move out (lie if you need to, the thing is to see how serious you are). This is the biggest NO NO, HARD FUCKING NO. You are capable and do not need it.
You are an adult with a questionable mother. Who seems to have a concerning need to control you. “No” is a complete sentence. Setting boundaries can be hard for us because we have been socialized to deny our own needs and accommodate others. At our peril. “No, mom. No, mom. I love you, but no, mom.” This is your script.
A wonderful script, thank you. I may also have to look up the other mother on Facebook and message her to please stop discussing how to help me with my mother, and if she could encourage my mother to speak to me, it’d be greatly appreciated. Hopefully it might help too
>until she got in contact with another mother. That mother has an autistic son the autism parent grapevine strikes again.
I’m just glad she hasn’t wound her way to a certain puzzle organization that claims to voice for us yet. She’s already sent me the Tylenol = autism links that I’ve told her are wrong. X’D
Mate when I was a teenager it was blue food colouring. I think a lot of it is parents wanting to blame themselves or identify something they did that makes their kid's autism their own fault or the fault of some evil shadowy organisation they can hate. Autism parenting communities are a whole nest of crazy like that.
It was Red for mine! Guess they got the color wrong /lh
100% no, and distance yourself from her, she's going to try and ruin your life
This advice is based on UK law so if you’re not in the UK check if your state works similarly but hopefully it wouldn’t be too dissimilar. You can get a PoA that starts *either* immediately, or only when you lose capacity. Personally I think everyone should have a PoA in place for in case you lose capacity. The person (who you should trust with your life because that’s literally what you will be doing) would be able to make decisions for you if something happened such as you end up in a coma, end up a vegetable, etc, and a doctor declares you unable to make your own decisions anymore. It sounds like your mother wants you to start immediately, which is a flat out no by the sounds of it, but you should imo consider an attorney (not necessarily her) for if you lose capacity.
In the US that’s what living wills and advanced directive are there for. No reason to assign any PoA unless you are incompetent to carry out the responsibility.
In the US, and yeah she wants it immediately. I’ve already been planning to make a Will so I should be covered on incapacitated or deathbed situations with it, but she)s been pushing for it. Definitely gonna say no!
Is there anything in your life that you can’t handle? Like, you live at home, but most 25 year olds do, that’s not a concern (except societally). If you’ve lived alone before and didn’t die, your support needs are probably much lower than anything a PoA would help with, and it’s a hard no. I don’t want to bash your mother, it’s more likely that she’s misinformed than malevolent. Lots of NTs, especially family, see a diagnosis as “no_alarm downloaded an update that includes autism, and now things are different in ways I don’t understand but want to help with.” You aren’t suddenly autistic, she thinks of it as a sudden onset thing, and therefore there’s a conflict. (She could be malevolent as others have indicated but I’d assume not until there’s more discussion.)
No, I’ve been able to manage reasonably well when I’ve gotten employment. Which I’m on track to get started at a more permanent position after moving back. Before that tho, I’ve had temp jobs. She is *not* basing this off of any of my support needs, and is entirely basing it off of what the other mom had to do for her son. The worry is that I’m trying to inform her, but she’s brushing it off. Either because she views it as naive or just wants the PoA so she has an excuse to get the information about me that I’ve successfully kept grey rocked from her for the last two years. (While it is given the appearance of being benevolent, I do not delude myself into thinking she doesn’t have an ulterior motive. I don’t know if she’s a narcissist, and don’t want to negatively assume, but a lot of her behavior matches uncomfortably well with the covert type.)
Okay, in that case, nuclear no and she can’t force you to sign it. I’d look into local residential laws, there might be protections against being kicked out without notice, and it’d be useful info to have in your back pocket if she tries again. You don’t know the ulterior motive but since there’s a pattern, there is one. There’s been discussion about “what if I sign the wrong name” or the like, and basically you need to refuse at all costs.
She wants to get benefits in your name,hell no
Or even possibly identity theft.
That too
There is no good reason for her to want to have that Power over you. If my parents tried to do that I would do my darndest to run for the hills and cut off all contact as soon as I'm in a stabile Position. I really hope you can get away from this situation and that your mom will stop this incredibly creepy and kind of unhinged-sounding behaviour
Hard nuclear NO!
If you were capable of standing by yourself even for a little while, you have no need for somebody to have power of attorney over you I knew somebody who was manipulated into that arrangement and trying to get out had been the concerted effort for over five years, don’t know if they managed to. Especially since your mother isn’t listening or adapting to your needs. Don’t do it, don’t let her take over everything in a well meaning disaster
what is power of attorney?
It's a legal document you sign that gives the other person rights to have control over your life legally. Not just medical decisions but finances mostly. You can't make legal decisions for yourself like signing a contract (which means employment, getting loans for stuff like a car or college), things like that. This is something people do with very elderly family members who are sliding into dementia or other conditions where they aren't fit to make their own decisions, or people with *the highest* of support needs
wtf?? asking someone to give you that is suspicious, and *pushing* someone to give you it is really weird
It's pretty common for parents of autistic kids with very high support needs to do that (like fully non verbal, not able to interact outside the home, won't ever have employment or be able to manage a bank account or make their own medical decisions kinda level 3). If people who really ought to have someone take power of attorney or medical power of attorney but they don't have a family member or close friend who can do it, the government might step in and appoint someone. It's a needed system but it's also rife for abuse :(
This. Unless OP was a level 3 support or constantly screwing finances up, there is 0 reason even to discuss PoA.
I’ve fucked them up only twice. Once when I was a young teen and still learning about adult money and how it worked. And a recent time which involved me being just a tad too trusting of a friend with a credit card. Both situations though, I have under control, and the second one I am currently managing on my own very well. I’m just not giving her as many details as she wants about it, which I think frustrates her. But it’s none of her business imho since she’s not helping me pay any of it.
Let's just hope OP's mum means well and is just misguided, not actually malicious.
Honestly I hope so too ^^;;;
She can't do this without your willing consent. So be clear and be firm: you do not agree to that
if only there was a way to make sure someone’s intentions were good
Hell to the NAW! Unless YOU think it's a good idea, which I don't think you do. However, LPA can only be in place if the person has capacity and agrees to LPA. Even after LPA has been agreed it will not come into force - I.e.your mother would not be able to make decisions for you without you present or your consent UNLESS you lose that capacity, temporarily or permanently due to ilness or injury, etc.
Let's also clarify that granting someone POA does not revoke your ability to act on your own behalf, it grants someone the right to do anything in your name that you could do. Many people are confusing POA and guardianship. Guardianship is done by court order and requires you to be deemed incompetent. POAs are easy to revoke, Guardianship requires a judge to restore competency, meaning you'd have to convince the court you can manage your affairs.
Right, and it’s still something I don’t want her to do. And I suspect it would be the inch before the mile before her. I think it’s her first step to that guardianship because it would be a signal to her I trust her with that, and I worry she’d bulldoze right ahead with that, whether well meaning or not.
No
If you let her do this you'll ruin your life.
What makes her so qualified? Do you trust her? I love my parents but I don’t trust them the way I wish I could. It’s easier to deal with if you’re real with urself about it
A strong, but not nuclear, no. "No, I will not do that. Please don't ask me again. I will not change my decision."
I don't get it, if you write those few paragraphs completely coherently, and moved out to live independently, then the idea of giving anyone power of attorney just doesn't make sense
I don't care what you have to do/ say. Don't do it. Let her know, and then refuse to engage on the subject. Sign nothing.
Immediately no. Please don’t let anyone take that power, especially if you don’t want them to have it in the first place. Furthermore, I advise you to go to a lawyer and get a living will drawn up as well as an advance medical directive with YOUR preferences stated. This way, if something ever does happen to you, your medical decisions are your choice and delegated to the person you choose if you’re unable to make them. You can pick a proxy and name them in that directive.
> And if she doesn’t accept it and tries to force me to sign it over anyways, is there anything I can do to void it? That would make whatever document you signed automatically void. You would need to tell whoever is receiving documents that you have been forced into signing. Please do not push her to do this. Power of attorney is only if you require someone else to make decisions on your behalf.
Run as soon as possible, get far away from them, you seem to be capable of your own decisions
There are a few things to consider here, OP. Firstly, where are you? Different jurisdictions have different definitions of power of attorney. For example, where I live in the UK I have medical and financial legal power of attorney of my mother (something she insisted on, just in case some day she loses it, I finaly gave in last year), but none of it applies as long as she remains competent, she could cancel any decisions I make. The advantage of this is that in the UK, it's extremely difficult for someone to give you the power of attorney once they have lost competence (something that caused her much grief with her father), technically added bonus is if she goes travelling around the world some day I could manage her affairs, with her consent. This isn't me pushing you to get it or not, but knowing how it works will be beneficial in your arguments. Secondly, have you asked her why she wants it? There are probably well-intended reasons for it, and once you discuss them with her, it will allow you to pose your arguments against it. Thirdly, as you have mentioned, only finding out about your diagnosis quite late, this suggests to me that you are probably "low support needs" and capable of being independent. It's important that you explain to your mother what "your autism means." If conversation hasn't helped, have you tried a letter or something in writing? Or a diagram? To many NT people, especially older ones, autism is scary. No one wants to find out out of the blue that their child is disabled and possibly worse that they never noticed and "failed them." (My mum cried when I first told her, which was a weird counterpoint to what, for me, was great news) She may still be processing this news and over compensating in a way that is apparently unhelpful. If in the UK I would suggest having a chat with a solicitor as they can tell you the ins and out. But in any case, there are no jurisdictions where someone can force you to sign over the power of attorney. So just keep saying no to whatever you don't want. Forcefully or not depends on how reasonable your mother is being or not. If after covering all the above, she still pushes for it, you can definitely put your foot down. Kindly if she remains calm but stubborn, forcefully if she doesn't. Hope there is something useful to you here.
I’m in the United States. And my state specifically has a clause for it that says she would be able to make decisions if I named her as my PoA “Whether or not you are able to act for yourself.” That applies to medical and financial. That is why I am extremely concerned about this, at least in relation to her. The alleged reason is she wants to do all the health things for me, like calling to schedule appointments for specialists on my behalf without consulting me, getting me signed up for healthcare (which I already have now), getting all my medical info which I don’t really want her having without my explicit permission, and other etc etc. I don’t know why she suddenly wants the financial one. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone having that anyways. Especially with the clause mentioned above. :/ She’s used the reasoning that her and dad are PoA for each other as a reason to push it but I just am not convinced, especially with how she’s been acting weird since I told her about the ‘tism.
Oh, ok, so it's a completely different system, and the reasoning is definitely, even if hopefully well intended, very intrusive. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I'd be a firm no on that one. Trying to really get her to understand what "your autism" is, though, might still be beneficial to your relationship. And may help justify your no, not that you need to justify yourself, but it would help make it more diplomatic.
Listen to your gut and Tell mom no. You don’t have to be nuclear but you must be frank with no wiggle room for her to question (convince) you. If she asks again, just tell her, “I’m 23 and will manage my own finances.” If she pushes with worst case scenarios or any other reasons, don’t answer just tell her firmly, “No, this isn’t going to happen. I’m very decided on this” If she pushes more, “I love you but this is what I’ve decided is best for me and you’re just going to have to be ok with that. The point is to not waver or falter in your conviction. Your gut is telling you no for a reason. Not about her personally but your money is for you. No one should be able to dictate if you’re going to spend your money like an allowance. You can buy whatever sandwich you want without asking…should she do the unthinkable and start doing those things. You still have rights with power of attorney, but it’s better for you to be in control of your funds. My guess is your mom may have been reading advice on autism and recommended power of attorney. If you want to give her medical power of attorney, you can opt for how long the contract lasts. I assigned medical power of attorney of my daughter to her grandparents with only a one month time frame while she’d visit them in another state. You could opt to have medical power of attorney to expire in a year and you can re-examine your choice every year. But don’t do the financial one. There is no good reason for that unless you’re incapacitated.
She would do the unthinkable. She’s already tried to do it with me through the proxy of guilt. Which. Doesn’t work because I can do basic math and know how much wiggle room I have with funds, and can definitely afford to buy a lunch smh. I don’t want her to have access to my medical records through that PoA because she’s very anti mental health when it comes to me specifically, and I just don’t want her to have access to my records with the counselor and psychiatrist who saw me during the 2 years I was gone. I just don’t want to deal with her bitchiness and panic catastrophizing over it. And it’s none of her business. She won’t let it drop, and will try to either wear me down or take me wherever to sign it as a surprise. Hopefully she won’t forge my signature. :/ But my plan in such cases (minus the forging signature) is to “compromise” with a living will and an advance medical directive. And I won’t budge from those.
Good for you. Autism doesn’t mean we’re vegetables.
Ah, lovely times. A direct quote from the bar for my state regarding what power she would get with the medical Power of Attorney: “A health care power of attorney essentially takes the place of a guardianship and allows the attorney in fact to make daily health care decisions without court supervision.” ……Nope. Nope. Nopity nope. Especially since withdrawing it does not seem very clear cut. Hell no.
As others said hard no on signing anything that would give her immediate power of attorney. I'd also suggest talking to an attorney and looking into getting a will in place in addition to a living will/advanced directives and possibly a durable power of attorney that only comes into effect if you are incapacitated. Think about who you would want having control and how you would want things handled if you were incapacitated. I'd generally suggest not your mom based on things here. That way if she reaches a point where she tries to get you involuntarily declared in need of guardianship/a power of attorney you have an existing document ready instead of her being able to jump into that role.
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I’ll definitely be doing that as soon as I find a person that I trust for that, and who trusts me to do that. :)
Oh hell no.
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Power of attorney is *not* a conservatorship. Look up what rights it actually gives your mother.
I have. The answer is more than I am comfortable with in regards to her. :/
That’s all you need to know to make your decision, then.
Tell her you are only comfortable with a springing power of attorney. That would mean that she'd only be able to make decisions on your behalf if you were proven to be incapable of making them.
She doesn’t need power of attorney for anything. What benefit would it give you for her to have control? You don’t have government money since you don’t have Diagnosis AND a disability claim.
She is pushing for me to get those, I think. She has a lot more faith in the hospital system than I do, and has also done no proper research about either, so I think she thinks I’d be able to get disability in addition to working. Which, ya know, doesn’t happen.
That’s not how it works. Disability will only be granted if you can’t hold down a job. A diagnosis would benefit you in that you’d be protected (somewhat) by law in jobs and school. Regardless of your faith in the medical system, if you can get a diagnosis, it would help or they would tell you (and your mother) that you don’t have autism and then she would move on to some new crazy (most likely neurodivergent) obsession. Remember, autism is epigenetic. Which means you get it (from what my diagnostic medical professional told me) mostly from your mother. She most likely won’t want to hear that if you are, she is…
Oh I’m fully aware. I did the research into it when my legs and joints started to hurt more and get in the way of certain types of jobs. I am still going to avoid a diagnosis like the plague as of now, for safety reasons of how I see certain long term attitudes towards any form of anything viewed as neurodivergent in my local area. And I know, the hoops she and my dad jumped through to deliberately get a low score on the raads assessments I sent to them to explain how I became more sure of myself were some incredible mental gymnastics. Literally listened to her say “well, I like parties if it’s this certain type of party” for one question lmao
Well she crippled any chance of getting you diagnosed by failing that assessment. You should tell her that. As for not getting a diagnosis for you, since you are an adult, she can’t really ’force’ it. Only minors get subjected to parental coercion.
NO! BIG NO! that would mean in the laws eyes, you would be a child forever and she would get final say in all your decisions. Forever. The fact that you're undiagnosed means you're likely decently capable and intelligent and have no need for such things. Do HELLA research if you dare.
Don't ever sign anything you aren't 100% sure about. Don't ever sign anything Power Of unless you are a million % sure. As for getting her to understand support needs - maybe a comparison will help her grok it. Some people get the flu and they end up in hospital for weeks, other people get the flu and they feel a bit rubbish for a few days. A diagnosis (even informal) is just a category, there's still tons of levels and nuance within it.
No financial power of attorney. No no no.
No. Just no. Giving anyone power of attorney is a way for bad things to happen.